#everytime it happens though i just pretend it didnt cause its not like anything bad she does to me matters. it never matters to her the day

[director-yomi-hellsmile]

If I actually think about it for a bit all of our fuckass health problems (the physical ones) seem to have had their start around when the pandemic went on in 2020 which made me get sick with some mystery illness(es?) for a ridiculous amount of time until it fucked up our body just completely. Side-eyeing our mom who saw us take masks a bit too seriously back then and sat us down to tell us off and argue via facts and logic why we're so stupid for believing in covid until we started crying and had to agree to stop wearing masks properly while going out with her anymore. We should have bit her then actually

[damn-stark]

Dark hope ch.4

A/N- its a long one!! Hope you guys like this chapter!! Of course Reader and Kylos relationship has to start off slow!! :)

Warning- Language, violence

Pairing- Kylo Ren x Reader

Tagged- @angelmarie823

(Let me know if you want to be tagged)

~

You can see the fire dancing where it’s lit just inches away from you. You put your chicken close to the fire so it can roast. You put your hand under your chin and wait. Han and Chewie are close by also doing the same. You enjoyed times like these. Where it’s just the three of you. Calmed down not running away or shooting or getting shot at. You usually tell stories about stuff you’ve done in the past or stuff that happened earlier. Han is the one that mostly tells the stories though. Well because he has way more to say than you.

“He isn’t who he’s pretending to be you know.” Han said to Chewie and you. You lifted your head up and payed attention. You didn’t have to ask who he was talking about you already knew. His son. Ben solo or mostly commonly known as Kylo Ren. He barely talked about him and if he did it was something about his childhood or something we had heard him do recently in the first order. “He’s not a bad guy....he’s just being influenced by the wrong guy.” He said with a heavy exhale. I think he was trying to convince himself that more than he tried to convince you.

“I know... he’ll come back to you Han. Your son will return. He’ll do it eventually. Cause if he’s anything like you then I know he will turn back.” You say to him with a small and comforting smile. And every time he talked about his son he never said anything bad about him and he never wanted you to think he was a bad man he was just with the wrong people. And you trusted Han everytime he would say that. You don’t know why but you did. you did and you let yourself believe that.

“I know.”

~

As you ran out of the castle you were immediatly thrown across the field. Your ears began to ring and hurt. Your head now has a pounding headache. You pushed yourself up but every muscle and bone in your body hurt. You looked over and saw that Maz’s Castle was destroyed now thanks to the first order. You picked yourself up to your feet and wiped off the dust you had all over your clothing. You checked your sides to make your sure you still had your saber and your blasters.

You look around the field and saw that it was over run by storm troopers. You couldn’t spot Han, Chewie or Rey anywhere. You let out a deep breath as you saw from the corner of your eye some storm troopers point at you and then put their guns up. You got your saber from your side and then turned it on. You spun to face them and even if you couldn’t see their face you knew it was a shocked one because of your double bladed saber. They bagan to shoot at you not really aiming directly at you. You raised your saber and blocked every blast that was coming your way with your saber.

A slight wave exciment passed through you as you did that. You hadn’t done anything like that before ever. Mainly because you didn’t have a saber to do anything like that though. As you were blocking the blasts from hitting you or some innconcent that was trying to escape. You didnt see a stormtrooper behind you and shoot a blast your way. But it was weird because it’s like you felt it coming your way so your turned around and without thinking you had your arm out and stopped the blast in midair. A smirk appeared on your face as you saw the stormtrooper grip onto his blaster tighter shaking in fear were he stood.

-

He stopped dead in his tracks. He felt you use the force. He looked back towards the direction he had came from. He didn’t know who you were but all he knew is that he needed to get you. He knew that bringing someone that could use the force would impress Snoke and he wanted to impress his master. He wanted to go back and get you himself but he had other more important matters to get too. He heard a storm trooper coming his way he was in hurry by the sound of his footsteps. Probably to report to him something he already knew.

“There’s someone. A girl. She can you use the force.” The stormtrooper said to Kylo Ren. Kylo kept quiet for a moment thinking of what to do.

“Don’t kill her. Get her on the ship. The supreme leader Snoke will want to see her.”

-

You jumped up a little as you sent the blast back to the stormtrooper blasting him straight in the center of his body sending him flying back. You were now more excited on your abilities. You were slowly discovering what you could do. You looked around expecting Han or Chewie to be next to you but their was no one next to you to share your exciment. Your smile faded into a straight line and your shoulders fell and you moved on to the threat that was still here.

You moved along shooting any threat that was far away trying to shoot at anyone that got in their way. Three stormtroopers then came your way blasters up and ready to shoot you. You got your saber and then brought it close to you in threatening matter. They had you surrounded and telling by the way they were standing it looked like they were afraid to get close. Without moving you looked at the three of them waiting but since it looked like they weren’t doing anything you went to to grab your blaster that was on your hip. They were too focused on your saber so when you took out your blaster you shot one and then swung your hand back slicing one in half with your saber.

The last one that remained made his weapon bigger. Now having some sort of electricity running through it and looked more like some sort of sword. You raised your saber up in a fighting position and had a glare on your face. You moved forward and swung at him but he blocked the swing. You tried to move your saber down to stab him with the other side but he pushed forward making you go back but still having your saber against his weapon. You pushed forward too but he was strong so you barely moved him an inch. A growl escaped your lips as you tried to move him. Now getting frustrated. You then got the idea. You moved your hand and then pushed him back using the force. He flew black dropping his weapon. You ran towards him, jumped up and when you landed on the ground you pierced your saber through his chest.

You were breathing heavily as you turned off your saber to get it out of the troopers chest. You took a few steps back and you heard footsteps approaching so you quickly turned on your saber and turned your body swiftly about to stab what you presumed was a trooper but to your suprise it was Finn. It looked like he had a lightsaber to but his was blue. And it was good thing he had one because if he didn’t you probably would’ve stabbed him. But good for him he blocked your swing. Both of your lightsabers light limunating your features. You couldn’t hide the small smile that appeared on your face as he stood in front of you also breathing heavily and sweat beads going down his forehead.

“Finn?!” You questioned as you put your saber down and turned it off. A smile appeared on his face and his shoulders dropped noticing that it was just you. “You came back?”

“Yeah yeah I did, couldn’t leave not with the first order here.” He explained as he put his saber down. You wanted to question how he had it but you had no time not now anyway.

“Well I’m glad you did.” You said looking down as you felt a blush creep onto your cheeks.

“Uh real-really?” He said fumbling with his words.

“Really.” You looked back up to him and he also had a hint of pink on his cheeks. It seemed that you both had gotten lost in the moment forgetting that their was shooting going on behind you because next thing you knew their was rocks and dirt flying everywhere thanks to something exploding. Finn and you looked over and saw a lot troopers that were heading your way now on the ground. You two then looked at the direction it came from seeing Han carrying Chewies crossbow.

“Focus!!” He yelled. Finn and you looked at one another and laughed before going back to the fight. You didn’t make it far because their was a lot of troopers heading your way with their weapons up high. You backed up slowly hitting Finns back.

“Get the girl Kylo wants her.” One of them instructed the other. You got your saber and turned it on you flipped it in your hand so they could feel threatened but one of them shot your arm making you drop it. You immediatly held onto your offended area feeling a lot of pain.

“Y/N! Hey are you okay?” Finn asked worried as he saw the troopers coming towards you.

“Yeah yeah im fine just got shot I can take them down.” You said gritting your teeth together to try and take in the pain you felt. You extended your hand out to try and push them all away using the force but one of them hit the side of your head making you fall on your knees.

“Hey leave her alone!” Finn yelled before his own saber was taken away from him. In the distance you saw that they had gotten Han and Chewie. The world seemed to be spinning now and you now felt that headache again. With both of your hands you held onto your pounding head. As best you could you tried to stand up but you were fumbling. You finally stood up and then extended your hand out and you did send some troopers flying backwards but then your hand was pulled back and then cuffed. You turned your head to the side and realized that it was the same trooper that had hit you.

You glared up at him. And you tried to shove him but it only made your arm hurt worse. That didn’t stop you though. You shoved a him again and again not letting him get to your other hand. He was getting annoyed because he hit you again with the back of his blaster.

“You little shit.” You whispered to him. You turned around violently and kicked him making him fumble back. Another trooper came rushing your way and was going to hit you so you could go back down but you glared over at him. You felt angry at yourself for letting yourself get captured and at them for hitting you. Them hitting you brought back memories of when you were a slave and how they treated you like trash. After you had escaped you swore to yourself that you wouldn’t let yourself get treated like that ever again.

“Hit me again I dare you.” You spat at the trooper who had his weapon raised. He was about bring his weapon down to hit you but he suddenly stopped. You glared up at him feeling the force run through you. He dropped his weapon and his hands went up to grab his throat because of the lack of oxygen. You were using the force to choke him. You felt angry even more than you had already because you caused his suit to squeeze in. You lifted him midair. You saw the other troopers had looked up at their buddy and then at you. They raised their weapons but just like you had done to the other trooper you also raised them up and had them gasping for oxygen. You tilted your head to the side and raised an eyebrow as you saw them struggling until they weren’t no more. But you didn’t stop there because their weapons they had with them exploded into pieces and their suits and helmets went in like squeezing a can.

“Hey! Hey!” You heard someone yell at you in the distance but you were too concentrated on what you were doing that you didn’t pay attention to them. “Kiddo! Y/N!” At the sound of your name you turned your head and the bodies dropped. You realized that it was Han Who was calling out to you. You swallowed thickly as you realized what you had done. You rubbed your left arm and looked down not wanting to see the reactions of the events on Finns or Hans face. You got your saber and got rid of your cuff that was on your hand. without looking up any of the three of them helped them out of their chains too. You began to walk away to go fight some more but you stopped as you heard a low humming sound in the distance.

You covered your eyes and squinted them because of the sun that was hitting your face. As you looked up towards the sky and saw X-Wing Starfighters coming your way. It’s the resistance. A small smile appeared on your face as you saw them fly by above your head and shoot some troopers down here on the ground. You heard Finn cheering behind you as he also saw the resistance.

You moved on fighting any trooper that tried to capture you which mostly all of them were. But you fought every single one of them. And thanks to the resistance their was less then before. And you also noticed they were leaving. You saw Han standing and watching something so you stood by him and noticed what or rather who he saw. Ben Solo. And he had Rey. You felt confused that Han wasn’t doing anything to help Rey but you also knew that he probably didn’t want to hurt his son. You looked at Han and then at Ben who was going into his ship. You couldn’t let him go away with Rey so you threw your hand out and used the force to stop him from moving.

He noticed what you were doing and looked over at you quickly spotting you. You saw Finn standing beside you and he saw what you were doing and quickly ran towards Rey. You were trying as hard as you could to stop Kylos movements but he started fighting back. You focused and used all your strength to fight back too. Even if his face was covered by his mask you knew his was face was one of struggle as he fought you with the force. Stormtroopers were shooting at you but with your other hand you sent them flying back. Kylo saw that Finn was running his way so he sent Finn flying back and making him not be able to move.

Your face was twisted into one of struggle and anger as you fought him. He was a lot stronger than you which made your struggle worse. But you still stopping him from moving was a success on your part.

“Ahhhhh!!!” You screamed out in frustration as you tried your best you could but he was to strong for you so he flung you back making you black out for a couple seconds.

“Y/N” is all you heard Han say as he quickly came to your aid.

“REY!!” You heard Finn say as the ship flew away with Rey in it. You failed. You were too weak to help Rey. It was your fault.

“You okay kid?” Han said as he helped you up. You only nodded your head as you the ship get smaller and smaller until it was completely gone.

“Take her back to the ship kid.” Han said to Finn.

“Did you see that Rey—“ Finn tried saying to Han but he was ignored as Han went off somewhere. Finn then looked over at you confused at Hans actions but you only shrugged your shoulders. He looked worried and how couldn’t he be. He had just lost his friend and you couldn’t stop it.

“We’ll get her back I promise.”

-

You sat far apart from everyone trying to bandage your wounds all by yourself as best you could. You were on your way to the resistance base after the fight in Takodana. After you had failed to save Rey from the first order. After you had failed because you were too weak.

It was getting frustrating that you couldn’t bandage your wound on your arm so with a loud groan you threw the banadage across the table and let your head fall on to your other arm that was resting on the table. You felt angry tears fall on your cheeks.

“Need help?” You heard Finn ask. Even if you didn’t see who it was you knew it was Finn. You wiped your tears quickly so he wouldn’t see them and then lifted your head up and nodded.

“You a medic now?” You teased him. He smiled and got the bandage from the table. He came by you and helped you with your arm.

“Maybe I am.... you are a far better patient then your hairy friend over there.” He said pointing towards Chewie. You couldn’t help but laugh at his comment. You didn’t know but that made him feel better made him feel happy. Hearing you laugh especially at a joke he had said.

“We going back to your base?” You asked him keeping a close eye on his reaction. He cleared his throat as he finished with your arm. He seemed to be struggling with himself. He was obviously nervous.

“About that.... I-I I’m not part of the resistance I I lied I’m from the first order. I was a stormtrooper before but I escaped.” He said as he sat down across from you. He watched closely as he waited for your response. Any response really. He was scared of what you might think of him now. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was because he felt differently for you. Not like how he felt for Rey no he knew that. He felt different towards you and it wasn’t a bad feeling either.

You had frown on your face which look like it made Finn worried. But you quickly turned that frown into a half smile.

“I knew it!! I knew you were lying.” You said somewhat happy that you were right of your predication. “I was right.” You crossed your arms and leaned back in your chair. He seemed confused at first but he let out a nervous chuckle.

“You you knew?” He asked.

“Yeah I knew well had an idea of it.” You said to him.

“You aren’t mad?”

“No why should I be you’re doing what’s right now and that’s what matters.” You said with a smile. You saw him relax more at your reaction but he then saw that your smile turned into a frown once again. Your whole face dropped and it made him confused and worried.

“I’m I’m sorry..... I failed..... I couldn’t save Rey from the first order. I knew she was your friend and I’m sorry I couldn’t do more to help..... it was my fault she’s gone.” You said as you looked down at your hands not wanting to look at Finn and trying to hide your watery eyes.

“Hey Hey no no it isn’t your fault. You tried your best you really did.” He said as he put his hand on top of yours. You were suprised by his action but you didn’t pull away.

“No but it is. I was too weak to stop him and too weak to save her.” You said in a low voice and with a sniffle.

“Look at me. Y/N look at me.” Finn ordered. You were hesitant for him to see your face but you did as he said.

“Don’t blame yourself okay? You tried and to me you were pretty badass out there.” He said you making you laugh a little at his comment. “It isn’t your fault you understand?”

You nodded only half agreeing with him. But his words made you feel better.

“We’ll get her back.”

.

.

.

.

.

.

[yllucsanad]

14 and 15 from the x files asks 😊

14. Favorite episode(s)? Why?

ok you didnt ask for nearly this much but ive always wanted to make this list anyways so here ya go!!

1x01 Pilot: I mean,,,, does this even need an explanation? 

1x03 Squeeze: amazing MOTW, “do you think i’m spooky?”, “it seems you were acting very territorial” “of course i was” this is episode thREE PEOPLE, the gray/green alien conversation lmaoooo

1x24 The Erlenmeyer Flask: rip deep throat, iconic “trust no one”, the alien plot seriously begins the thicken here

2x01 Little Green Men: they have a secret meeting how cute, Mulder recording everything for Scully um hello someone is in love

2x08 One Breath: Mulder TEARING apart the hospital and screaming at people for Scully, coma hand holding and crying in his apartment, the return of her necklace, “mulder? i had the strengths of your beliefs” 

2x13 Irresistible: like obviously donnie pfaster makes me uncomf but the way mulder tips up scully’s chin and makes her look at him and then she breaks down and FINALLY lets mulder see her as something besides hard as a rock

2x17 End Game: Scully taking charge and saving Mulder’s life, Mulder trading “Samantha” for Scully

3x04 Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose: this episode is very funny and i appreciate that in this dark x files universe, QUEEQUEG, “how do i die?” “you don’t”, “autoerotic asphyxiation” 

3x13 Syzygy: “sure fine whatever”, jealous scully, cigarette smoking scully, “shut up mulder”

3x17 Pusher: this ep is simply amazing in every way and we all know it

3x22 Quagmire: mulder hating the dog for no reason, RIP queequeg, the conversation on the rock

4x03 Home: this episode is gory and cool, the conversation on the bench, scully making noises to try to get the sheep to move lmao, mulder playing with the baseball and the tv and being sad that elvis died, and im a sucker for kevlar 

4x13 Never Again: Iconic is all i need to say

4x14 Memento Mori: yeah the cancer arc sucks and all but the msr is soo good in this like i can never get over it, the flowers

4x20 Small Potatoes: a great light hearted episode in which scully and “mulder” almost KISS

4x22 Elegy: this episode makes my list because it is so raw and emotional, because mulder gives scully no personal space ever, the bowling scene. scully’s session with the therapist

5x01/02 Redux & Redux II: “keep going fbi woman”, mulder never ceasing to cry about scully, “one sorry son of a bitch speaking”, all the kisses, the hand holding, mulder coming back “from the dead” because he had to see scully, the smile when he tells skinner her cancer is in remission

5x04 Detour: “kill me now”, the wine and cheese (poor scully she really tried), “i dont wanna wrestle”, “maybe if i rains sleeping bags you’ll get lucky”

5x05 The Post-Modern Prometheus: a happy motw ep is always great, b&w, the humor in this one is just golden, the dancing scene of course

5x10 Chinga: mulder without scully lmaooo, “marry me”, the pencils lmao

5x12 Bad Blood: do i even need to explain my love for this one?

5x19 Folie a Deux: a lot of people dont like this ep for some reason but i do, mulders split lip is Hawt, “one in five billion”, “folie a deux. a madness shared by two”

5x20 The End: fuck diana BUT uh, pic of mulder and scully hanging in the office, gibson impressing the fuck outta everyone, gibson exposing mulder about diana and scully, mulder fuckin up spender, the way scully holds mulder after the office fire

6x03 Triangle: the filming is so beautifully done, i love a good irl AU, the KISS i could write ESSAYS about this kiss, “i love you”

6x06 How the Ghosts Stole Christmas: mulder literally steals scully’s keys so she cant leave, they LITERALLY kill each other and then go exchange gifts after they said they wouldnt get each other anything i mean CMON

6x08 The Rain King: everyone assuming mulder and scully are a couple, “i do not gaze at scully”, scully’s speech to sheils

6x14 Monday: i just really really like this episode for some odd reason i cant put my finger on

6x15 Arcadia: again, another episode that i don’t feel the need to explain why i love it lol

6x18 Milagro: scully being fascinated by this guy, mulder being possessive jealous and worrisome, the hug when scully doesnt die, scully grabbing mulders arm, “in my book I’ve written that agent scully falls in love. but that’s obviously impossible. agent scully is already in love.”

6x19 The Unnatural: the ice cream thing, the ripping of the document, i do enjoy the story, fuckin mulder and his baseball obsession, the Scene (you know the one) hips before hands OO baby

6x21 Field Trip: a very cool episode, mulder telling scully that he ends up being right like 98.9% of the time and shes like o fuck, she thinks mulder is dead :’(, they literally trip together, the hand hold at the end

7x06 The Goldberg Variation: lots of good ol flirting, i enjoy the case, the sink lmaoooo, “i like baseball too”

7x14 Theef: “i’ll always keep you guessing”, mulder saving scully by pulling the pins out of the eyes, 

7x16 Chimera: “do you have a significant other?” “not in the widely understand definition of that term”, “mulder when you find me dead, my desiccated corpse propped up, staring lifelessly through the telescope at drunken frat boys peeing and vomiting in the gutter, just know that my last thoughts were of you, and how i’d like to kill you” “i’m sorry who is this”, and also mulder just being really great at his job seriously turns me on

7x17 all things: must i explain?

7x19 Hollywood A.D.: a Classic, scully showing tea leoni how to run i heels, mulder packs it to the left, skinman, bubble baths, the laughing and the hand holding at the end i am DECEASED

7x21 Je Souhaite: i def like the case in this one, scully’s entrance to the office in the beginning (hmm someones suspiciously happy), scully and her invisible body lol, mulders wish was fantastic, the whole last scene as well as “well i’m fairly happy. that’s something” atths ya know

7x22 Requiem: ok like even though its depressing as fuck in end i love this ep, scully visibly turned on by the fact that mulder assaulted someone, “let’s go waste some money”, “we could start sharing rooms”, mulder holding scully when she faints in the woods, mulder watching scully with the baby, the whole bed scene, the HUG cause mulder couldnt live without her if something happened, PERGNANt

and as far as season 8 goes….. every episode besides the ones with mulder are meh and lets pretend 9 didnt happen except i guess The Truth was good considering the circumstances

and i aint gon get into the revival ho boy

15. Favorite MSR moments?

most of them are listed above but other than those:

in firewalker when mulder holds scully’s face

when scully puts herself in contempt of court for mulder and then the HUG

BBQ SAUCE

in die hand when mulder rolls himself over scully when shots are firing

all the comfort and care in end game

they way scully cares for mulder when his father and mother die

haha mulders reaction when scully identifies the plane at the bottom of the water

the lace thing, the china pattern thing

scullys concern for mulder in paper hearts and the hug

mulders memoization of scully’s senior thesis

mulder showing off athletically for scully, scully enjoying it

in pine bluff variant when scully recognizes mulder by his bandaged fingers

in dreamland when scully says she would kiss mulder if he wasnt so ugly and the exchange of the sunflower seeds, also mulder knows her breakfast

jealous scully in alpha

the touchstone conversation

the millennium kiss

everytime mulder calls scully dana (beyond the sea, lazarus, the field where i died, trust no 1)

in tooms the first and only time scully calls mulder fox (i know he doesnt really like it but i still wish they did it again because it carries a big weight)

the decontamination shower

when scully cares for mulder when he is in shock

when scully shoots mulder and tends to his wound later

and we musnt forget fight the future and i want to believe

[9pcentrash-blog]

Soft Kiss | CollegeAU Chen Linong

Notes: So I used to write these scenarios things for other groups when I was like freaking 12 or 13 when I had the writing skill of a bad middle schooler and the relationship experience of nothing but really cliche romance animes. But now I’m 18 so let’s see how this goes lol. Also my first scenario writing in like 4 years pls go easy on me. Would very much appreciate feedback cause I’m not sure this is good or not asdfghjkl. 

Words: 2.7k (haha I need to chill)

okay so i get nongnong is the soft shy boy but I think we can give him a lot more credit to think he'll take some initiative.

not saying boy would be full ‘in charge’ but I think he can really be confident in his feelings once he's confident in himself

SO i wrote this because there are too many ‘soft boy nongnong doesn’t know how to relationship’ or ‘too shy to tell you how he feels uwu’

welp im here to show a little more forward but still sweet nongnong

so buckle up cause i got real into this

okay, nongnong would probably fall in love with you from a far or being he's met you in group settings but never really had a one on one conversation with you

but he sees how cute your mannerism is when it comes to how you laugh with your friends or how you light up when you talk about something you're really passionate towards.

he notices these cute things about you just by watching 

he's w h i p p e d

'h o w can someone be so cute???' he's probably thinking

you and him have mutual friends like zhangjing and yanjun

yanjun being nongnong's roommate and you having to study english with him that’s how you guys meet

yanjun introduces you guys

at first, yeah nongnong thinks you’re cute and all but doesn't have that big of an impression on you

but his interest peeks when you spend the day 'studying' with yanjun

and by ‘studying’ I mean you guys only studied for the first hour before ordering food and started playing video games

nongnong hears yelling from outside his bedroom and he walks in to you guys playing mario cart and eating pizza

"wow yanjun" he says with a hint of pain in his voice

you both stop to look at him

"you guys dare to play my mario cart and not invite me???"

so obviously nongnong joins in on the fun

and while you guys play he starts to see how you are, beside from your brief introductions 

he realizes just how cute you are when you’re having fun

to your adorable reactions as you jump in your seat when you get hit with a shell or how antsy you get when yanjun dares to pass you into 1st place

in the end you constantly beat yanjun for first while he gets second and nongnong is just content with his stable 5th or 6th place because seeing your little victory dance and teasing of yanjun as you win everytime is enough for nongnong to feel like he's won

cause w o w he never knew he could come across someone as adorable as you

okay but that's just the surface of you guys path's crossing

you and zhangjing are best friends

but zhangjing and nongnong always get food before their history class so they can cram/get hw done last minute

zhangjing eats your food whenever he comes over your place

that damn freeloader

but you'll never actually stop him, rather you see opportunities for future food purchases from him.

so you're hungry as heck one day after class and you have no money

that's when you see your best friend rushing into one of the food places on campus

"hey zhangjing!!! buddy do you have any money on you :) "

"what why??"

"remember MY leftover pizza you ate in my fridge last weekend? :))))"

you pull out the receipts and he cant find an excuse so he reluctantly buys you food

you guys meet up with nongnong after and you recognize him

I mean how could you not

he wasn't that talkative but he was a sweetheart from what you remember

*cough* and not to mention was pretty cute *cough*

"oh hi y/n!"

nongnong lights up when he sees you

"you guys know each other??? dont you just stay inside all day, how do you know peo-”

you step on zhangjing foot hard enough so he can feel it but not hard enough for him to scream

and cue the explanation story of how you guys met to zhangjing

suprise zhangjing is good friends with yanjun too and grew up together

suprise suprise its a small world and you guys decide why not all of you hangout cause mutual friends?

the four of you then started to hangout

often had study sessions or more mario cart races as 4 people and you and nongnong got closer

nongnong, getting to know you fell in love with you even more and just really loved being around with you even tho you guys never spent time alone.

time was always spent together with either yanjun or zhangjing and he doesnt think he has any courage to even be in the same room with you alone

yanjun and zhangjing have figured out nongnong's painful obvious crush and try to help him out

zhangjing as your best friend definitely approves of nongnong cause at least he's a good kid unlike the flirt yanjun is

but anyway yanjan and zhangjing have enough of pinning nongnong and tell him he should just confess or you and his relationship will never change

he knows but he's scared

he's never dated let alone have his first kiss

he thinks its sad cause he's in college but relationships were never something he really sought out till he meet you

he never had his heart quicken so fast for someone, feel his stomach in constant knots or felt lost for words like this until he meet you

you caused all these bubbly feelings in him and he couldn't stand it, he had to tell you

nongnong decides to ask you to come over and hangout that weekend

yanjun gets kicked out but its okay cause him and zhangjing decide to hangout and spam nongnong cause they want all the updates

“yo 10 bucks he kisses her” zhangjing says while they wait for nongnong to text back

“pfft he won't do it”

“wow, doubting our nongnong”

“yeah I'm not even sure he'll go through with telling her”

“oh, if you're so sure how about raising the stakes and buy me whatever meal i want if im right”

”you’re on”

little does yanjun know, zhangjing is your best friend and he knows you

so you actually have a thing for nongnong too you’re just better at hiding it

like nongnong, you fell from the little interactions and observations

you thought it was endearing to see him always try and lighten up the mood when someone was down

or how he'd remember little things like yanjun and zhanjings favorite foods or drinks so he could get some for them when they seem to be down, eventually even doing this for you too

he gave you thoughtful advice and help when you needed it from someone besides your best friend

overall he was someone you wanted to depend on and fell for each and every time you saw him

when he asked you to hang out alone you're shocked

‘h o l y  c r a p  I've never hung out with him alone what do I do???’

you're a nervous mess but you don't want to pass up this opportunity

so you say yes

that weekend you get to his dorm and at first its very awkward

but nongnong tries super hard to lighten the mood by telling you funny stories about yanjun or doing silly things

you guys break out in laughter after listening to nongnong's story about how yanjun got a girls number only to give him a Chinese take out number and when he asked again about the ‘wrong number’ she gave him a different take out place

“I can't believe he asked again after she gave him a fake number the first time!” you laugh

“you gotta admit though it's clever she had another take out number on hand for the 2nd time”

you two are a mess of giggles and have closed the space there was previously between you 2 on the couch when you first got there

you didn't know when the two of you got so close but you and nongnong had your legs and arms brushed up against each other

every so often you would lean into nongnong's shoulders while you were in your laughing fits

and nongnong took notice to the distant and could literally feel his heart popping out of his chest

you obviously noticed the distance as well cause oh boy his smile from this close and his laugh humming in your ears made it feel like you were gonna die from how much it filled you up with this warm feeling

up close you notice little things like the cute mole right below his nose or the sweet but minty scent that probably comes from his shampoo or cologne

you both kinda come to a calm and eventually stop laughing

your eyes meet and that's when the heat rises into your cheeks and the butterflies in your stomach run loose cause his gaze into your eyes is so gentle looking

“hey y/n”

you die a little inside cause you've never heard him ever call out your name so softly like that

its timid and delivered sweetly like it was something fragile on the tip of his tongue but had a hint of fearfulness to it.

“y-yes” catching you off guard

he catches his breath

“I like you”

you kinda look at his serious expression and you're a little too shocked to say anything

nongnong sees the shock in your face and starts to panic

“oh god um- I didnt mean to scare you or anything but i just couldn't wait any longer to tell you cause you looked so cute so i just had to tell you- but it was so abrupt what was I thinking, you don't have to answer or a matter of fact you can just pretend this didnt happen if you wan-”

“I like you too!”

his panic halts and you see the visible red as his face heats up

“you do????”

“yes, I've actually liked you for awhile now”

cue nongnong's redness to increase tenfold and he breaks into that signature smile

“so does that mean if i asked you to be my girlfriend you'll say yes???”

you giggle out a ”mhm”

 and he's so happy he pulls you into a hug and you both break out into giggles

f i n a l l y  he could hold the big cutie that you were and call you his

nongnong holds you for quite some time while telling you how cute you are and goes on to list what makes you adorable

“the way your voice perks up with you get nervous or the way your giggle sounds so cuteeee” he goes on and you're heavily embarrassed

“nongnongggg please noooo” you're blushing so hard from the compliments you might actually die

he then lets you go and stops with the listing before he brings a hand to your cheek.

he runs circles with his thumb against your cheek and smiled ever so brightly

“im sorry its just- I've fallen so hard for someone as precious as you.”

man you're seriously gonna die from the sweetness of this boy

you then proceed to spend the rest of the night talking about when you started to like each other and finding that personalness you guys missed out on cause you never got the chance to hangout alone until today

later when you get ready to leave for the night nongnong stops you outside his door

“wait y/n before you go, can I hold you for a bit?”

u m  y e s

but in reality you just nod yes shyly before he pulls you into a hug where his big frame just sallows you up

hes so warm and sweet smelling when your face kinda presses into his chest

it’s the sheer definition of comfort and warmth and you never want to leave

once he lets go you wince a little cause the pleasant feeling of his embrace disappears

but before he entirely pulls away he plants a little kiss on your forehead

“goodnight y/n”

you say the same and you walk off literally stumbling and disoriented cause he's so precious your heart cannot comprehend it, you’re soft from this precious boy

nongnong probably texts yanjun and zhangjing in a group chat later that night

’guys i did it! I told her and now we're dating!!!’

zhangjing: ‘okay cool but did you kiss her???’

linong: ‘on her forehead i did’

zhanjing: ‘IT COUNTS, I CALLED IT’

yanjun: ‘FUCK'

yanjun’s wallet is then screwed

anyway after all this your relationship takes off

it starts out a little awkward but you guys start to adjust in time

Nongnong is constantly shy as heck when it comes to pda and holding your hand and thats all he can handle in front of other people

he can barely do that tho when yanjun and zhangjing constantly tease

but even though he's not blatant with his affection in public he’s still someone who tries to give subtle touches

to quick back rubs if you're walking side by side to when your arm rest on tables while you study he’ll lightly squeezes them while you work

he's tends to have trouble knowing what right words to say if you're upset or mad but is a great listener

he doesn't tend to get upset as easily as you would but when he does its a pretty big deal to you

he tries his best to not let any of his ill emotion get to him or let it out on you

and he tells you how he feels but often is really reluctant to talk unless you give him lots of convincing

he even likes to put on a smile for you like he's okay but you can tell he's not

he lets it build up so when he spills to you his feelings he tends to cry and holds on to you like his life depends on it

It’s hard for him to always keep a happy face so he really values these times

your touch and warmth calms him down when he breaks down like that

his affection maybe hard to convey in public but he lives for your embrace when it's just you 2

at first he always asked if it was okay to hug you or hold your hand

he wants to make sure you're comfortable

but you guys get to the point where he doesn't have to ask but naturally he just intertwines your fingers with his or cuddles up to you when you'd be sitting on the couch or his bed alone together

now kissing is a different story

at first he could only give you kisses on the forehead or your temple

progressively he started getting bolder sneaking pecks on the cheek or even lips (he apologized probably the first time he randomly kissed you on the lips but you gave him a quick kiss back and he died)

he constantly gives soft pecks because long kisses aren't something you have done yet

until one day

you're sitting on his couch watching a show when he nudges you a bit

you look at him and he moves in to plant small kisses on your forehead, to your nose your cheek and then softly your lips

doing this makes you giggle and he loves it to bits

Nongnong is gentle with kisses

kissing you so delicately like you'll break under his touch

he plants a soft kiss on your lips doing it again and again and again before the soft but fleeting kisses stop and he just doesn't pull away while kissing

he keeps his position and presses his lips onto yours just as delicately but it's far more passionate then the quick kisses from before

you're a little shocked cause you wouldn't expect him to kiss you like this but nevertheless it didn't stop you from kissing back

he presses into your lips slowly and tenderly while bringing his hands up to cup your face

the kiss is long but never rough just soft and sweet

you pull away and he's dazed before he can really comprehend what he did

“oh.” slips your mouth

“oh?”

“that was uh…”

“was it bad?”

“no it was good, um really good”

he lights up

long soft kisses are now your new killer 

especially when you’re caught off guard he tends to do them the most

He usually doesn’t try to get you flustered but he wants to do it once in a while

so he loves how flustered they get you because of the kisses and definitely plans on doing them more

so ultimately this boy is definitely gonna be the death of you

[thathumanwiththecatears]

I feel like venting so this will be way too much information about my life that i am sharing on the internet because why have a private diary when you can publicly scream your problems into the void

So basically, both of my parents kinda suck. They arent the worst, but they also just kinda suck :) So before i was born my parents had my sister. And between me and my sister my mom had a miscarriage. I dont know details of that, but i know it happened. I also know that my parents were not going to have me because of not just that but also they were already not getting along very well. But then they changed their mind for some god forsaken reason (i was not an accident i was planned) and now i exist.

My parents were at the point of hating each other before i was born. They divorced when i turned 18 literally, when i turned 18 my dad started slowly taking his stuff and moving out over a few months until he was fully gone and filed for divorce. I will talk about that later. But the point of saying that now, is that ny parents hated each other for 18 years, and for some fucking idiotic reason decided it was a good idea to stay together.

I have lived in three places. My first house was this apartment where it was a 2 family house, but like first floor second floor rather than next to each other. My family lived on the first floor, my cousins family lived on the second floor. My second place was the second floor of my grandparents house and now in my current apartment been here for like 8 years.

I am usually one to say i dont remember my childhood. Thats because i have repressed it. I have few memories and they are usually bad. My parents never “hit” me so to speak. Not in the /actual abuse/ way, but i was spanked and slapped by my mom. She likes to laugh about it to people still now. Thinks its funny that she could say ”do i need to take you to the ladies room?” To me and i would stop crying. One of the biggest phrases that sticks with me is “stop crying or i will give you a reason to cry” it still hurts even now just thinking about it. The number of times i could be crying over something that to me would be a lot and have that screamed at me with hand raised is just terrible.

A specific memory that i have is on i belive either my 5th or 6th birthday, i was wearing a velvet burgundy and black dress with buttons up the middle and matching burgundy headband. I dont rememver why, but i know that something upset me and i was crying, and i was yelled at to stop crying, and i remember sitting in my room before my party trying to stop crying and make myself look okay. I had a lot of birthdays like that. Kinda why i really dont like my birthday, but it also breaks my heart whenever my birthday is ruined, cause im always a little hopeful it wont be.

Some other memories i have involve being yelled at to clean. I had a lot of pressure on me and i was never good enough. Always did something wrong. I would cry at night and wish that i could just be perfect. I didnt wish things would stop happening, i wished i could become perfect and stop messing up and do everything that was asked of me. I had to do a lot. My sister didnt, my sister was the favorite. I have always known she was the favorite. Was always treated better, always had her side taken, always was the good child, the pretty child. I delt with a lot of anger and fighting with my sister, we really didnt get along. And i think part of the reason she was the favorite was because she would always intentionally make me mad so that i would end up fighting her. I punched and kicked her, she did the same to me but i was worse. I once had her locked into a corner and was hitting her until we got in trouble. I cried in the corner for a few hours after being the only one punished.

When i was little i had already been depressed and suicidal. When i was six i wanted to be left alone to die in my room. I locked myself in and cried with music playing. My mom screamed at me that i would be taken away. Being taken away was threatened a lot. And i remember her screaming asking me if that was what i wanted. And everytime in my head i screamed yes. But i said no on the outside.

I remember hearing screaming always. My parents were always fighting, over money mostly. My mom telling my dad how worthless he was and how he didnt provide for my family. And my dad wasn’t innocent. He could have done more, but he still didnt deserve the abusive words. He was told he was worthless for years. No one deserves that. They wouldnt just be screaming at each other though. They would be screaming at me and my sister too. I flinch whenever my door is opened still because of how my mom used to slam my door open and yell at me. I flinch a lot.

In middle school i mostly lived at my grandparents. With my parents also there though. My nana and papa lived downstairs and we lived upstairs, there was only one kitchen and bathroom though both downstairs so it wasnt like an apartment. This sucked too. My nana liked my sister better. Actually she was the favorite of all the cousins. We would all talk about it, well except her. My dad would also get into fights with my grandparents. They were my moms parents and because they sided with my mom for obvious reasons, he wouldnt get along with them always.

I remember specifically sleeping on the black leather couch while home sick, up in our living room on the second floor. Watching disney jr. i stayed home sick a lot. Not because i was sick but because i was too depressed to go to school and really good at pretending to be sick.

When in 8th grade my health teacher noticed that i was depressed. He was the first person to notice. And he had me show my parents a pamphlet about it. My mom took me to a therapist. But you see, im selectively mute. I didnt know yet though, so it just came across as not wanting to talk. My mom would go with me. She would always be there, she would talk for me. She and the therapist would talk about me as i sat there unable to speak screaming about how wrong they were in my head. Eventually it was just me in the room. But i still couldnt talk freely. My mom would be told everything. All of my issues stemmed from her. I tried to bring it up once. My mom cried, made it all about her, cried about how she was a terrible mother, i was forced to tell her she wasnt and push down all of my problems and just be forced to live with that just being how it is. I cant talk about it because i dont matter. My feelings didnt matter and they never will. My goal was to just make my mom happy and not worry about myself. I just had to be perfect.

My grandparents sold the house from underneath us and we were forced to find another place. My current place. I liked it when we got here it was nice. There was a time while living here where my mom didnt have a job. That sucked a lot. She was always home. Always yelling at me. I couldnt get away. I almost never leave my room now because i have become so accustomed to just being in it. I have a vivid memory here. My bed was on a different wall of my room. I dont remember what we were fighting about. But i think what happened might have actually gotten to my mom for once. She was screaming at me and i went into my room and she followed me. I ended up on my bed as far as i could get from her crunched up into a ball saying “please dont hit me” over abd over while crying. I dont remember what happened immediately after but i do remember she left and i cried a lot.

I also remember when my sister found a paper towel with blood on it in my room. She told my mom. The worst possible thing she could have done because it lead to screaming and making things worse. I was threatened to be sent away. A big theme in this whole thing, getting sent away. I have a big fear of that still. Fear of doctors and hospitals and therapists and mental hospitals. I was threatened with them so much so that makes sense.

Once me and my sister got in a fight with my mom together. My mom later decided it would be a good idea to call us both out and tell us about how ungrateful and terrible we were and that she clould just kick us out and that she didnt owe us anything. I had a panic attack. The first time i had ever had one in front of her. I couldnt breath. I sobbed. I went to my room and fell to the floor behind the door hysterically crying and panicking. She screamed at me to stop and threatened to call 911. That for obvious reasons made it worse and made me have to force myself to get words out begging her not to and to just leave me alone so that i could calm down. Which she hated because to her she just heard “go away” as if i was just being a bratt. I eventually managed to get myself calmed down enough to semi explain what happened and got away to my room alone.

As i said earlier my dad left when i turned 18. It broke my heart when i realized that it was literally because of the fact that i had turned 18. You see in my dads eyes, he couldnt leave sooner because he didnt want to walk out on me and my sister. I think if they had just divorced sooner things would have gone better. I wouldnt have had to deal with hearing screaming all night every night for my entire life if they had. But i can understand why he didn’t want to leave. He still could have left when i turned 18 in a better way though at least. He basically snuck out. Spent less and less time at home until he wasnt coming home until all his stuff was gone. I cried about it but i was glad he got away from my mom. But him getting away from my mom made life worse for me. She no longer had him to scream at, and she didnt scream at my sister as much, it was all concentrated to me. Everything was a reason to scream at me. It has died down now. Other than a few days ago when she threatened to take away my phone and laptop and basically all connections to the outside world. If she did i would have left. She refuses to actually let me get freedom. She is trying to hold on. I cant drive, i dont have a job, i dont have any money. She doesnt want me to leave. If i leave she doesnt have anyone to control anymore.

This obviously isnt my entire life and everything, but its just the stuff i thought of now. Its almost 8:30am and i havent slept, so i should probably do that now. But yeah. Thats my vent fo the day.

[queerafterthought]

Everything is a lie. Everything. I don’t know what to belive anymore and I don’t trust anyone anymore. No matter what I do he’ll find a way to make it worse. He always goes for the gut where it’ll hurt. He knows I’ll think about it non stop it’ll eat away at me. He can say the worst things to me make me feel like I’m nothing but everyone sees me as an immature child and I’m always wrong. Just cause he said so. If i cant sit down with someone and have an “adult conversion” 10 mins after they just told me I was insane cause I had to go to a mental hospital for bpd and tell me I’m evil. Told me id never be anything never have any power threatened to put me on the street call the police on me. He said i have no friends. They were never mine they’re his. And he has the power to make them not like me. And now after i thought that things would be different this time it seems like its going to be the same. He controls the situation and i have no power and it wont take long until everyone thinks im in the wrong. And im not saying that i didnt do my fair share of bad things that culminated into where im at now but for the people i considered to be my closest friends here say that my actions are childish and immature when all I asked for is space and to stop being harassed and forced into conversation with someone who broke my heart and makes me feel worthless and tried to put me out on the street makes me feel like shit. Like I don’t matter. My feelings dont matter and they never will. And now I’m doubting everything positive that was said to me recently cause now I feel like they were all lies. But like he said they’re not my friends they never were. And I can’t help to think that if they never saw me again it wouldn’t change their lives at all. This isn’t what I wanted. I tried to fix it. I tried to forget all the things he said in the past tell my brain to forget that he didn’t mean it. But I couldn’t and over time I grew to resent him for how he made me feel. Get mad at me because I couldn’t get over that fact that he called me a horrible girlfriend and that if he saw me getting jumped he wouldn’t help me cause I didn’t believe that our friends jumped him because they clearly didnt. Im pretty sure if he had actually gotten jumped he wouldnt have went over to their house 4 days later and gotten drunk with them. And i mean like i said im not so dense to see that I did do some wrong things too. But I never actually tried to hurt his feelings and make him feel bad. I have to work on some anger issues I’m aware. Even though I feel like no one believes me I have been looking for another psychiatrist and therapist just want a specific one. And I feel like I should be comfortable with who I’m talking to and shouldn’t have to compromise on that. I know it’ll take some time to find what I’m looking for but it doesn’t mean I’m not looking. I want to get re medicated cause the meds I have now make me feel like shit. Like sometimes I feel like ima pass out other times I’m a zombie and anything in between. He brings up how they “used to work” and I remember the days he was talking about. I thought they worked too. But they didn’t stop the thoughts or the urges of what I wanted to do to myself they just made me numb I got so disconnected from everything and everyone that anyone who reached out to me I clung to them to stay sane. I know because of this I made some mistakes did some things I know I shouldn’t have done but I wasn’t trying to hurt him or be bad I just wanted to maintain one of the only friendships I had left back at home. But it doesn’t matter cause the friendship got lost all of them did. I don’t have friends back at home anymore not really. I have people that I disconnected from because my dissociative habits got the better of me and I spent most of my time back at home trying to remember what day it was and where the time went and what I was doing (which was nothing) trying so hard to cling to reality but end up cooped up in my room for weeks at a time only leaving it to go to work or the bathroom or eat. I’m not excusing my behavior but I could tell the meds were losing their placebo affect and we’re not meshing with my body. They told me this might happen but I was already bound to come back to memphis at this point and I thought that if I took what I needed when I was too deep in my emotions it would help a little but I was wrong if anything I think it made it worse cause they weren’t reacting well with my body and taking them irregularly can’t be any better. But I was still trying. Really hard. Trying to keep everything together keep my emotions in check because it got to the point where I didn’t feel comfortable expressing myself or my emotions to him. If i wasn’t happy it made him mad. But it’s hard when everything in your brain is pushing you to feel your emotions so strong and even when I tried my hardest I would still be really mad and upset over the words he said to me and I couldn’t forget them. Those words cut so deep that it changed how I felt and so my actions became synonymous. I started to act colder because I was hurt and I felt like he didn’t deserve for me to be sweet or nice because he never understood how much he hurt me everytime. I can’t get over hearing those things be said to me by someone I loved and get over it in 10 mins when he’s ready talk and forget it ever happened and change nothing. I deserve to be able to talk about things when I’m ready and I shouldn’t be forced to or made to feel like a child because it’s not on his terms. Just because he said sorry. I remember when he told me that when I said I’m sorry it didn’t mean shit. And the part that fucks me up the most is that no one told me this in person. They talked about it behind my back but to my face they tell me I’m strong and I’m doing the right thing for me and I shouldn’t have to talk to him if I don’t want to and I deserve my space. Why am I immature? Is it because I took everthing in the house that was mine and put it in the back room so i could look after my things because i was afraid they’d be thrown out? That i sleep on the floor for the moment cause i dont want him to use the fact that i slept in his bed aginst me? Because he told me that they were his property and I can’t sleep in it. That I don’t feel comfortable enough to inhabit another room besides in the very back because he’s made points to tell me that this is “his house ” and give me ultimatums threating to kick me out because I wasn’t here to put my name on the lease so he has the power to (something he told me id never have) even though I pay to live here too but I’ve never truly felt like i was apart of this house no matter how much I tried to decorate and make it feel like our home but it never was mine the whole time I felt like I was paying him to live here not the landlord. Is it because when he told me to pack up my dollar tree shit and get out i took him seriously? Is it because i burned pictures of us and gifts because it was too hard to look at and be reminded of how far my relationship had fallen? By no means does this scenario alone make me want to kill myself but it adds the notion that I believe I am a burden that no one truly wishes to deal with which does make me want to end this sad life i live. He publicly tries to push my buttons make me seen crazy to people. Some people believe him. Through everything the thing that hurts my feelings the most is that everyone still talks to him. If someone treated my friends like this i wouldnt talk to them invite them places when i know they are mentally manipulating and abusing my friend. His feelings and inclusion means more than me and my feelings. He can harrass me in the streets at bars convince people to not talk to me but when he is screaming in my face to the point where he needs to be physically pulled away because I didn’t want to talk to him it’s still my fault. The cops said so too. Tried to get a restraining order and I can’t. Cause even the cops take his side. And my friends were there witnessed it and just pretend like nothing happened or do nothing. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who treated my friends like that so cruelly. I don’t talk to people that my friends have issues with. The most superficial and petty reasons why they would be hurt if i even said hi. And i know they would never say it but i would hurt their feelings. So why cant i be hurt by the fact that no one stopped talking to him. When they see how he treats me. I do what i do for them out of respect and support but they can’t do the same when I’m clearly being harassed. she died i always said it should have been me. Everyone liked her better. She was better than me. Im just a knockoff. If she were still alive my niece and nephew would still be together and my nephew wouldnt be getting abused regularly with us not being able to do anything about it cause the court decided that his asshole sperm donor has more paternal rights than his family who raised him but this pimple on the asscrack of socieity who was never in his life can swoop in and literally snatch him out of school and move him away and we only get to see him 1 weekend out of the month. That 3 days out of the whole fucking month that he doesnt get beat. He has anxiety attacks. Hes 6. When he realizes he has to go back to his “dad” he starts hyperventilating and we have to try to calm him down so he can breathe. I can already tell hes gonna grow up with issues and it breaks my heart that he might grow up to be anything like me in that regard. Meanwhile my niece has had her only immediate family cruelly taken from her by snakes in people skin. Her father was never in her life either. I fear that soon mine won’t be either. My dad won’t tell me everything even though I tell him to tell me I know he holds some stuff back. I think the cancer is spreading and all I think about is how long left I have with him. My grandmother is in the stages of dementia. Soon she won’t remember me I’ll lose the last grandparent I have but not from death. When I was still in the relationship he would tell me I bring home burdens that weigh him down. But he says sorry so I shouldn’t believe the nasty things he says even though he’s said them more than once on different occasions. I just feel so lied to It wouldn’t matter. It doesnt matter. I don’t matter. Honestly I don’t think i ever did But I have to do this I have to stay strong for her. She left me 2 children to take care of. A part of her and I’ll be damned if I fuck it up. I can fuck up my life but not theirs

[swearronchanel]

As per request, 2.05

You guys have been so freaking sweet and kind  to me with your feedback since I started making these ridiculous posts, it’s insane but I love it!❣️ I literally started these as a joke because my one friend who watches call the midwife didn’t pick up the phone (and bc I was under the influence whoops hahaha it happens) but now I have so much fun posting every week! I’m sure I won’t stop these any time soon (what will I do when this series is over until Christmas? Yikes lets not talk about it yet)  Anyways @marialujan22 requested I rewatch and post for 2x5 & shit it’s been a while since I’ve watched series 2 but I couldn’t say no! Besides Im in a good mood because I have 10 days till spring break & only like 8 weeks left in the semester so here we go ..

idk if I’m mentally prepared for this

THE BIKE SONG I LOVE IT

“Somewhere far away, scientist we’re working on a magic pill, rumored to make pregnancy a case of choice..” Hell yea birth control, deff a magic pill in my opinion

Crazy that it took 3 series for the pill to become a thing & then there was still lame ass government guidelines

Jenny Lee! lol I often forget about her sorry not sorry, I liked her but she left. ya no importa

I love how “mature jenny” still narrates even though her character is never even mentioned anymore #letmenarrate lol jk I like Vanessa Redgrave’s voice

“Meanwhile other scientists were trying to send humans to the moon” fuck yea Hidden Figures

If CtM went up until 1969 that’d be lit, like the episode on mad men when they watched the moon landing! Just replace them with nuns and nurses and babies & replace the liquor for tea 😂

Shit I’ve said typed so much already

SISTER MJ💕 I wanna smack myself she’s brushing her teeth & I thought of that stupid toothbrush song from last week’s episode kill me

Nora’s pregnant again uh oh

Cynthia! SISTER E! Jane! It’s been so long

My bby Trixie 💕😍 I miss her pin curls! But now she’s serving those 60s looks so I’m here for it all

“Take that off this minute before you go to hell” LMAO TRIX YOU CANT TELL KIDS THAT

lol who am I kidding I would’ve said the same

I love sister Monica Joan, id quote everything she ever says but that’s too much work

Vicar’s wife? But who was the vicar?

LMAO WAIT DOESNT SISTER MJ FAKE A HEART ATTACK??

YES SHE DID IM DEAD I LOVE HER, WELL IT WAS LIKE ANGINA BUT IDC STILL FUNNY CAUSE SHE DIDNT WANNA GO

PRECIOUS SISTER BERNADETTE 😭💕

I STILL CANT BELIEVE MY BBY SHELAGH WAS A NUN, ITS SO STRANGE TO GO BACK AND SEE HER IN THE HABIT, LIKE YOURE PREGNANT NOW, WITH DR TURNERS BABYYY!!

anyone else really wanted to know how she was going to tell Sister Julienne “um i was already done with being a nun and now im love sick, I can’t stop thinking about Dr Turner so  I gotta ditch this habit”

damn I feel so bad like she did not want another baby & had no choice but to deal with it

No Jenny, tea is not gonna help right now

And heres the lady that scammed her

How much is 2 guinnis ? Idk how to spell that u already know I’m an ignorant American

Did she really tell a married woman keep her legs closed? It Doesn’t even matter if she was married or not like who are u anyway?? I would’ve bitch slapped her too, good for u Nora

Sister MJ saying her horoscope was right, we are the same😭

Wtf is spotted dick? Also I laughed because I’m immature Lmaoo

Sister J eating the pudding, she knows how to get to sister MJ 😂 I love them

Trixie teasing Jane about the Reverend lol aw

“I can’t knit I had a heart attack this morning” ME TRYING TO GET OUT OF THINGS

8 kids in one bedroom though yikes

Cute and classic bedroom moments 😭💕

“Naughty version of eggnog” like coquito? Lol nah, coquito is the bomb

IM CRYING SISTER BERNADETTE LOOKING IN THE DOORWAY

THIS BREAKS MY HEART EVERYTIME

THEY FUCKING CLOSED THE DOOR ON HER, MY BBY. I WANT TO HUG HER 💔💔💔 she deserves the world

Who is this irrelevant ass vicars wife? “Cherrio”

I’m so sorry Nora

Ew wtf a rat just bit the baby?

“Just tell me what you want sister” SHE WANTS YOU DOCTOR

THE WAY THEYRE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER OMG IM SHOOK

WHAT THE HELL TIM WHY DID YOU RUIN THE MOMENT ?!

sister MJ wants to roll bandages, make it happen! lol I love that Cynthia and Jane unwrap them all for her 😭

Aww i love babies !! but that one with a funny nose uhh

SISTER BERNADETTE BLOWING THE WHISTLE AND CHEERING 💕 MY HEART SHE IS SO ADORABLE

Aw I wish Trixie could have another scene going through old pictures and maybe share old stories with the new nurses💔 unlikely but you know I can hope. SHE DID HAVE THAT PHOTO OF HER AND CYNTHIA ON HER MIRROR LAST SUNDAY💕

“I’m a woman on a mission” beatrix, light in my life

Curly locks lol, when I was younger I  was called Shirley temple and when I dyed my hair I was called Goldie locks.. mind u that lasted into high school 😂 I’m staying blonde for good though, I don’t think I can pull off anything else

DONT GO OUT WITH HIM TRIXIE, HE’S TRASH

Laura Main’s angelic voice ✨👼🏼

who am I kidding she’s an angel

you know what would be fun and a dream? to go out with the ctm cast and get drunk and take trashy snapchat videos singing

Gin & a hot bath??

Trixie looked him up lol, good move

BUT HE’S STILL TRASH and an asshole

Pickle knife ?

again, this irrelevant vicar’s wife? vete ya

Everyone thinks Sister MJ is senile but she knows what’s up with Sister Bernadette..

“..but is all blank sadness and continued tears”  MY HEART💔 sister Bernadette/Shelagh has spent the majority of this show crying/being sad/distressed ugh!! Laura Main plays is beautifully but I CRY!? Let her be uninterruptedly happy please 😭💕

she (and helen) ruined me tbh, I used to have dignity

Is Jenny really naive or is she just pretending not to understand??

SEE SISTER BERNADETTE IS ON SCREEN AGAIN & IS UPSET

“I almost wish I was physically ill..” okay bRb CRYIN. THIS IS WHY I CANT WATCH THESE OLDER EPISODES I CRY TOO MUCH, I DONT LIKE TO SEE HER UNHAPPY

Remember when I started the show and didn’t know it was gonna ruin my life? Or before I grew attached? Yea me neither lmaoo those were the days when I thought downton killed me. I Didn’t know what was coming 😂 still love downton though rip #downtonmoviepls

Knitting needles?? aye dios mio

HA GREMLIN TIM AND JACK

Again how much is a gunniea and how do I spell it? I could google it but I’m busy here

She was willing to sell her wedding ring and risk her life for an unprofessional abortion. DO YOU SEE THE ISSUE? This isn’t just the a period drama either. Shit is real

“Are babies more valued because they can survive or do they survive beside they are more valued?” good question sis

lol Jane was so sweet and just bounced with no word

AT LEAST I KNOW WHERE SHE WENT THOUGH, THANKS FOR THAT NZ CUT SCENE

Trixie being a babe and getting ready to do her nails 😍💕 I wish I could do mine well but I’m trash and so I pay to get them done

The cross cutting in this scene is crazy but so well done (& yes look at me using real terms lol, I took a Music in film class last semester and had to know editing techniques 😂, I did fairly well too)

I really don’t know how she survived this

My bby trixie looking gorgeous as per usual. I love her so much, Helen u kill me

NO COÑFIO TRIXIE, HE’S NO GOOD

Haha why did I not remember the Gone With The Wind reference? Cynthia was so cute, I miss her carefree and happy

FRECO MOVE YOUR DAMN HAND, YOU ARE TRASH.

HE’S FICTIONAL BUT ID STILL FIGHT HIM

my poor bby😭💔 it is not your fault , he’s trash!! But this moment between the nurses warmed my cold heart

“Matrons in charge, virgins of iron” 😭😭

Aw Earth Angel playing, ✨🎼 I highkey pop to 50s/60s pandora stations

Jenny yes it’s illegal but do you think that matters rn??

TIM AS MAID MARION LMAO

Sister Bernadette looking at Dr Turner ah omg 😭they’ve come so far.

It’s not your fault Jenny but you should’ve told someone

Sister B & Tim won 👏🏼

LMAO ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT POST “WOAH CALM DOWN IM JUST TRYNA DATE YOUR DAD”

and she’s down, and the glasses flew

“You’ve hurt your hand” “well I’m sure there’s no need to amputate” ah sister b/shelagh lowkey has some of the funniest lines she just slips them in and people miss them !!

Here it comes ..

THE MOMENT..

“Would you like me to have a look at that?” UHM YEA

No but seriously I can barely remember what I thought when I first watched this but I knew something was gonna happen because a nurse can handle her own damn cut & well you know, she was in love with him

HE KISSED HER HAND. A fucking doctor kissed a nuns hand people, how scandalous & this was THE MOMENT I KNEW I WAS CORRUPT AND WAS GOING TO HELL, I AM SATAN I WANTED THE DOCTOR TO KISS A FREAKING NUN ON THE MOUTH LIKE WTF WHO RAISED ME? MY MOTHER WANTED IT TOO SO IDK BUT THIS KILLED ME, LIKE R.I.P HERE LIES GABBY, I WAS IN THE GROUND DECEASED. I’m actual trash. Someone dispose of me in the proper bin #recyle

for real, this is when I really knew that I was never going to love any other show like this and I allowed it to ruin me

BUT HONESTLY WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING? THATS A BOLD MOVE

BOLD IN GENERAL BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW IF SHE LIKES YOU BUT BOLD x1000 BC SHE IS A NUN, YOU KNOW MARRIED TO GOD, VOW OF CHASITY AND ALL THAt??

What if she would’ve freaked tf out or told sister Julienne? I don’t even know. I’ll just be grateful for how things turned out

“At this moment I only know I’m not turning my back on you because of you but I’m doing it because of him” AHHHH, DONT WORRY BBY GOD LOVES U AND UNDERSTANDS YOU LOVE HIM AND THE DOCTOR, LOSE THAT HABIT AND GO PROPERLY KISS PATRICK 😭

Sister MJ judging the baby contest is the purest thing & I need it to cleanse my disgusting soul that wants a dr to get with a nun #notsorrythough

“In Nonnatus we were good at tending other’s wounds and there were times I felt we were all each other’s children..” brb I’m crying I love that they’re like a family 😭💕💔

I’m so happy they didn’t kill Nora and she actually was happy in the end. I really wasn’t sure for a moment (obviously when I first watched lol)

“ Free reliable contraception came too late to help her, but in time the scientists triumphed. Her daughters and granddaughters lives remained transfigured, long after man left fleeting footprints on the moon.” Vanessa always knowing what to say in the end.

Lets see how the pill is going to be reintroduced this series, I’m interested  in how it’s going to play out.

I’ve said that so many times though so I’ll be done

The End.

[strawberryspeachy]

So far on the boys ive talked to in japan - aside that teacher

1) around september i decided to look at whose on tinder. One boy i matched with talked to me and didn’t stop responding upon finding out i was not japanese. He helped me with a couple japanese phrases - telling me what sounded most natural. Asked me if i lived alone. Said he wanted to meet me.... asked if i was free that week. I said yes. I gave him a couple days that i was off. He never responded again - that was about 5-6~ days into talking

2) october i went to a club... after a disappointing night i talked to the cute ... not bar person but like he was on the floor. I thought he’d walk away but he got all happy and kept moving close to me to talk. It being too loud combined with my poor japanese and his no english meant we used google translate to talk mostly. Added each other on instagram and he said he’d like to hang out sometime. I asked about a few days and he pulled out his calendar and both were days he worked- he had two jobs. He said we’ll figure out a time later. We had some conversations on instagram. Then after a couple weeks his stories always showed him with friends. I asked him a couple times when he was free and he said he was working all the time. After another weekish of that i said it seemed that he had time to see his friends but not me. And he basically just said yep

3) december i got back on tinder. But for real. Not just a qick swipe through. Talked to the next guy with a bunch of other dudes. Was just talking. Trying to improve my english. Hoping someone would ask me to go eat with them since that is what id written on my profile. This boy asked me to hang out. We’d talked more and more over the two weeks and he said he really wanted to see me. But he couldnt cause he was working too much. Then he told me when he has a break. I had the flu at the same time and told him id tell him when i was better and he got sweeter and sweeter toward me. Then we talked on the phone and it was awkward and difficult cause my japanese not being great is even worse when i cant gesture. But it went well. Then. Suddenly. Over text the tinder boy - lets have sex! - bs came up. I said i didnt want to the first time we meet and i wanna just talk. He asked a couple more times about it and then agreed. The day before we talked on the phone again - he suddenly said he had to take another call and hung up and then didnt say anything else the rest of the night. I freaked out a bit that night thinking hed stopped talking to me. But the next morning he messaged me like nothing happened. Didnt even want to acknowledge my freak out aside from telling me not to think so much.

We met up. He took me to a shrine. We got fortunes and ties them to a tree... then he took me to his apartment... fast... he said he wanted to watch movies together.... bought... chocolate. I mean great but i wanted real food i was hungry. Then. He kept trying to have sex with me. So many times just pushed and pushed. Would not take no for an answer. Finally when... he was trying to take off more of my clothes and i wouldnt let him and said no again. He asked if i had my period. And only stopped after i said i did. Kept trying to pursuade me to give him a blowjob.

Before that... he asked me to be his girlfriend. Said he was moving soon and asked me to move in with him. Told me hed be workig two jobs for the rest of january so we couldnt meet again till February...

Anyhow after i kept saying no to a blow job and other stuff happened i asked him if we could go get food. He said he didnt have money and cooked bad ramen on the stove and french fries... he drank a bunch of alcoholic. We watched some music videos and he went to sleep.

When he kinda seemed to wake up i tried to make a point of me leaving. He just acted kinda annoyed that he had to even still deal with me being there at that point and ignored me while trying to sleep... he ghosted me right in front of me

He replied to my text the next day with some nonsense and about a week later he told me about his apartment plans. He sent one last text about it before... never responding again

I let it be for the next four weeks... till the days he was supposededly done working two jobs and couls see me again. Hed made story postings during this time

But yea. Never replied to me again

4) some boy who wanted to get better at english cause hes moving to the us. We talked on the phone a couple times near christmas. He complained about not having a gf and said he wanted to hang out. But the times i asked he was “busy”. We hung out once... played darts. He said he didnt want to drink cause he drank the night before and he ate before meeting me so left early.... said next time. There was never a next time.

5) some guy i talked to a bit. He asked to meet up. I agreed. Took a whole for us to find each other cause he kept...... hanging up the phone on me.... he didnt look like his pic and he dressed weird. He basically hailed me over when he found me and then walked fast so that i basically had to chase him around. He was one of those dudes that walks with his hands out like people are supposed to move for him. After about 20 minutes of that he told me to wait while he pretended to get a call and then told me his dog is sick and he needed to leave to take her to the hospital. He said well meet again. Never saw him again not that i wanted too.

6) talked to another boy for a couple weeks. Just about fun stuff it was good conversation. We talked about music and movies and murder mystery parties. About our days and just generally the kind of good conversation you have with friends. Around the third week we talked about meeting... but. Then. Tinderboy - i wanna have sex! Came into the convo... i told him i had my period and asked if we could go out to drink instead. He said lets drink before we do next week. Whatever. Next week comes around. Same good conversation everyday. The day of comes and he responded to me in the morning reconfirming the time and place and stuff. Once the time to meet rolled around. No response. I called him a couple times more so to bitch him out. He blocked me.

7) some other dude. We talked a bit. He asked me to go out to eat. Post poned 3 times that night cause he was working later than he was supposed to. I was so hungry. No he didn’t wanna go out to eat. Bought me some convience store food and barely let me finish eating before hooking up... he said thanks to my happy birthday message. But otherwise we havent talked again. Even though hes a ten minute walk away.

8) then of course theres the absolutely adorable boy who took me out on the date of my dreams.... until he silently walked me the train station. Said bye. And now has slowly ghosted me all week. He just unmatched me on tinder after i asked about it so. Guess he’s gone. Which has me feeling fucking terrible.

9) talked to a guy a couple days ago. He asked if i wanted to hook up. I basically agreed. I WANTED HUMAN CONTACT ON VALENTINES DAY. He told me beforehand he was only free for a couple hours. Asked if i wanted him to pick me up the night before buttttt i got my hair treated and shouldnt sweat so i said it was too late and i needed to sleep. He met me. Late. At the station and walked me back yo his apartment after i was done work. One of my students saw me with him... embarrassing. We talked a lot. Hes the oldest guy ive ever... anything. Though still just 29. It would have been a good conversation if... i didnt know he asked me to come have sex and then never made a move. An hour and a half in he suddenly went

Oh its the time! Sorry go. I should have agreed to his request for yesteday instead of insisting on friday.

Ive been freaking out about 8 and i messaged him asking if he lost interest in me. He never responded to my message asking if he wanted to hookup yesterday. He didnt respond for 20 minutes and then i said either say yes or no so im not waiting. And he almost immediately responded with no. So. Idk.

10) talked to some dude from hong kong yesteday. He messaged me first saying he doesnt like japan and just came for the food. Ive been crying all day and basically hust bitched about japan to him. Apparently he doesnt actually dislike japan... he just doesnt like the bidets.... and i told him my home life sucks so im here but here sucks too so wtf. Ya know. Things that are totally attractive go someone you started talking to a half an hour ago. He said he wanted to talk about food. Im good at food talk ok. Then asked if i wantrd to meet up and look for cake with him. Sure. Shinjuku. The same placd i met 5 and 3. Thought id break the- everytime i come to this city im depressed. Cause before them the last time i went to shinjuku in the summer. I couldnt find the clothes shops i was looking for. There were couples all around me. And it was the first day in japan i felt so utterly and truely miserable and alone and like nothing in my life was better. I was still hoping at that point that the teacher i worked with would go with me and show me around and i left thinking next time i go itll be better cause i wont be alone.

Well shinjuku appears to be bad luck for me. I got stressed trying to find this boy and sounded like it over the phone. But he still met up with me. I brought him some snacks from the baskery near me on my way. We talked. He speaks english. But he just asked about my job... how do you get it. Is it hard. Whats its pay.

I walked past a cake shop on my way to meet him and i showed him the cakes he said he really wanted. He said he didnt bring much cash so he didnt want it.... k i thought that was the point of this trip but whatever. He asked me if i was hungry three times. I said i ate before coming because normally when i meet people we dont eat and i go hunry. I left out the YOU SAID YOU WANTED CAKE!!! Part. He said he was hungry but didnt want me to not eat while he did. So i told him to find a place with desert and ill eat desert while he eats a meal. Were walking. This is about 25 minutes in and he starts to complain his legs hurt and that hes tired. Another 10 minutes pass and he complains more about how he feels like hes floating and his shoes dont fit. I see mcdonals and say i know this is lame but ive kinda been craving a big mac. Its fine if not cause ya know your visiting japan but would you want mcdonals. He jokes about it and then goes yea i could go for a bigmac. We get in the store and he tells me to go. And i tell him to go ahead first. Then he says no he feels sick and doesnt want to eat.... tells me to eat... the exact situation he didnt want earlier

Hm. Gee. I wonder whats coming. I say i only wanted to eat cause he said he was hungry. We leave and then he says maybe its tmi but - proceeds to tell me about being constipated. I didnt try to listen. Btw he was 6’4 and kinda difficult to hear if i didnt try. I wrap that up with. Yea i think that was a tmi story but good for you. Cause the gist of it was that he could shit now.

Then. You know its coming. He says hes gonna go home. I stop acting happy. I told myself the next time this happened id confront them.

We met up at 7 and it was now like 7:50. My train is 10 bucks round trip.

But. I couldn’t think of anything to say.

All i could say after a while of kinda just going silent was - whyd you ask me to meet if you were so tired.

And he aaid cauae walking around japan alone isnt fun. Yeah mean i know. I said that to you over text earlier.

I asked him if i dont look like my pic. He says i look exactly like my pic.

I say a few times before ive met up with guys and we never talk again. And he goes - well youre meeting strangers and sometimes it just doesnt click

He unmatchd me the moment he got on his train. I imagine were still friends on snapchat cause he probably deleted it since he redownloaded it to talk to me

So yea. Same experiences as back home because im me and i will always be cursed and miserable. I dont wanna sleep cause im waiting to see when that boy in 8 will block me on line... cause i sent alot of messages. It doesnt help me to know when.... but.... ya... idk. Someone shoot me please

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so i really think i am done now. 

like im weirdly overwhelmingly speechless but yet have so many thoughts and feelings but none of them of extreme anxiety.

he tells me he went to drop in group therapy today and that hes going to go to rehab after he takes care of me for a month and maybe he’ll be better for spring.

i’m like .........................................

oh. o.ka..y. i just spent weeks - literally weeks - being dragged along by him with phone calls and questions and requests and he saw me invest my energy and time and that i was becoming like excited for this prospect. yesterday i was being told i would make him homecooked meals and take care of his dog. like i was fed everything and boom “maybe, i don’t know, we’ll see”.

and i didnt know how to react because on one hand im like okay cool good job trying something new i hope this gives u something ur looking for and helps the situation. on the other im like wow you literally have zero care about me and even if youre sick and thats the excuse behind this back and forth - you dont care about me. is it the sickness that makes you not care or you yourself? and am i sticking around to find out on the hopes that rehab makes this better? like your complete constant inability to give any respect to another person. its not like im thinking he has to go through with the original plans or else but its like not one time did he mention hey thanks for working on this i appreciate that youre doing this with me and you put time into it and i really want to be on my top game and i know this kind of puts a bump in the road but im hoping that itll be worthwhile at the end of it because we’re on the right track but i am not.

it was just im doing this and this. cool. 

u know he cant consider other ppl right he has to only consider himself and how to make himself better while completely neglecting the massive damage he is currently doing around him but its okay because hes going to rehab and if i believe in this opportunity i wont be bothered by a bump in the road. 

yes i absolutely think my life story should be tramping across canada i guess by myself now to be with a guy fresh out of rehab. so fuck me right. and im just like.. sooooooooooo.... many emotions. im angry and bitter and sad and heartbroken and i dont know what to be. i dont know whats the “right” path for ME to take. because fuck anyone else fuck it all - whats the right path for me. do i want to be angry? do i want to cry? 

except i already knew how this went because i did it before the summer about this fucking trip so its like u must think im literally retarded. if i complained at all in anyway i was an asshole for not supporting his want to go to rehab. i didnt want him to get better. and there was no way to explain that he was just completely neglecting the damage he caused and was causing at this very moment regardless of his positive decision because nothing about making the ecision to go to rehab is that positive. its only positive because youre “getting better” otherwise youre going because you suck right now. thats not a positive decision. it is AFTER fucking rehab. but im not even on this level with him you know. im not saying any of this. i just know that if i say even one single thing about it, im an asshole even though its presented to me by an asshole. 

so i told him that i wanted to go and be sad and i talked to him later. he asked me why i was sad and really pressed on the issue and i told him it dint matter and i would prefer to just go but again he pressed and i felt anxious like either i flat out accepted what happened right now and just live my life in whatever new way i was required to in his shadow or tell him that i felt uncomfortable and sad and that he was just going to come for a month and go away again and that didnt make me feel good. 

and thus - well he was doing this positive thing and he wanted to feel better and not feel like he wanted to die everyday and you know i had this opportunity where i was too and i had problems i wasnt working on and it doesnt make him feel goo to have to deal with the stress of me being upset about his decision. 

and i was just so frustrated. like after two fucking years you still do not get it at all. like omg i could quit smoking everything tomorrow and still feel like absolute garbage and want to di ei could have a great job an still feel like garbage and want to ie because my BIGGEST MOST OVERWHELMING FEELING I HAVE NEVER NOT SHAKEN IN MY DAILY FUCKING BEING is loneliness. and its not like im forcing him to mae me not lonely. but when you offer this stupid dream world where im not going to be lonely, when you put on a mask to parade around and “care for me” after surgery but disappear promptly after its like do you not understand its literally more painful for me in my life to live with loneliness than anything this cyst does to me. anything. i could live with it for a year and it would be less worse than the all consuming depression of loneliness. and by feeling so lonely ive struggled with finding a purpose. and like i have friend(s). i have one very good friend ive had for two years that i really really connect with and really really respect and weve fought but its totally okay and when i feel really alone i honestly think of her maybe first and foremost because i genuinely feel loved by this person. i really really think they would do the most for me and in return i try to do the very most for them. and weve supported major life crisis with each other. we’ve really emapthized and like wanted nothing but the best for each other and like cried with each other and this person is truly an example of why it might be worth giving people more chances.

but i experience such an isolating loneliness and my personal battle because life has decided i will and have experienced this  is that i need to embrace being alone because of all the people who have hurt me. i am not prepared in any form to vouch for someone being okay. ive made so many excuses for shitty people and shitty behavior that deeply reflects and scarred my soul so fucking bad. im soooo tired of making excuses for shitty people. im really tired. 

i try to bring up that he had fed me all this crap and he bounced between saying “i knew it wasnt true” that he was “pretending to be normal” and that he was still buying the land and he didnt understand why this was such a problem for me because “nothing changed” and finally that he was “sorry” and kept asking me what i wanted or what i wanted him to say and its so disgusting to put the victim in a position where they have to teach you what it is you did wrong when its so fucking obvious that you lied.

and so i thought about it briefly after hanging up and once again - dont get surgery. i was so uncomfortable now. i was like downtrodden and disrespected and nothing of what he said gave me confidence in fucking anything so i had a choice of pretending like it was all totally okay and watching him leave at the end or being upset about it and getting the bare minimum care from someone who kept filling my head with ideas that were never going to actually happen. so now im like vulnerable and have to experience this person no matter what and like i dont even want to talk to him now. im so shocked. lke the full weight of what he just did has not even set in fully but i know that its so fucking heavy it just changed my soul and like the minions are working overtime to figure out how to put this shit back together because i cannot even believe the level of how he trie to sell me on this shit and have zero fucking compassion towards the idea that  he once again had to take a new path alone and “couldnt consider me anymore” but “nothing had changed”. dont be upset.

hes going to rehab. 

and like im sorry i dont really believe in the recovery of this person other than the symbolic “i went to rehab” because he smokes weed. he refuses - flat out fucking refuses to see what actual fucing hurt he caused people and hes the only person who can work on these things and in no fucking way what so ever do i believe weed has any part of what hes doing. i really dont. if i can be proven wrong in the end ill take it back in respect but fuck him anyways because if a heroin addict shot me in the leg he still shot me in the fucking leg. forgive but im not forgetting. 

like the shit he has made me do and go through is abysmal and hes never ever going to admit to anyone that he did these things to me so at no point is anyone going to turn to him and say uhm u did fucking what. so wheres my bonus in all of this when / if it all comes back in the spring and hes ready to go because omg guys he went to rehab and now hes enlightened and sober and better than all of us and still the giant piece of shit to me hes always been. and now more so because i still smoke weed and god u know im a real drug addict. 

i told him i was uncomfortable with getting surgery knowing i would essentially be stuck with him for this time and right now i was just really uncomfortable and upset. he said that was fine but he was offering to “fulfill his obligation” of caring for me and he still loved me and if i only wanted him to come make meals and change my banages an leave then he would.

and its like man no. at this moment right now. right fucking now i am full realization that this is super abusive even if youre sick. even if youre sick. because i know this. i did this. and i did this very similarly u know like this woman loved me. she loved me and she cared for me but lke there was alot of things i id wrong like i was lazy and ungrateful and spoiled and a bitch but she cared for me and especially - ESPECIALLY if i was “sick” she really “cared for me” and that cleared her record. everytime i was sick - well u know she did this and this for u. but like she was killing me EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAY and all of this - al of this my whole life with this crazy woman was because she was sick. she was sick and this happened. and he was sick and this happened but like no matter the sickness this fucing HAPPENED. you damaged another persons soul like omg do u think u can get away with punching one of ur kids and going to mental ward one time and never ever have it brought up again no u damaged that kid and ur whole fucking family forever cuz ur sick. 

so ur saying before you go to rehab you will come back and care for the person that you have to “have no concern over” thereafter and that person can have literally no fucking emotion like youre a fucking home care nurse they never met before. like omg. are you for real. am i dead? why am i crazy because i think this is uncomfortable, stressful and awkward for the legitimately physically ill person. 

he says i can decide what i want, its my body but hes still offering to care for me and he doesnt want to play games because he was fine to take care of me and get surgery before he brought this up and i had already done this before and its like man why are you gaslighting me making me thinking my feelings about this are a manipulation tactic against you when its a legitimate fucking concern for my own well being and why is it insinuatingly so offensive that i switch to concern primarily for myelf when someone says theyre also doing the same thing. thats what makes you the most sick. and no one will ever reall see this. and its like when i realized i would never get anything back from my sick father and 10 years of caring for him and its just like damn. no one - no one will ever fully know what you did and thats how you actually won in all of this. even if i go out there and i say well he did this and this you already diminished my reputation of being like a logical level headed person in relationships and now i look fucing insane especially the embarassment of sticking around. 

like i cant even explain all the ways it oesnt feel right to get this surgery. ive had nightmares of dieing and its a nothing surgery. like maybe the anasthetics kill me or something. i have a surprise heart attack from my years of smoking. and if that doesnt happen then im here with him and like i dont even want ot look up what the surgery is because im 50% still in hope that like ill jump right up and be cool and like have no problem taking care of myself and i overestimated how much care iw ould need and its all good. best case scenario. then 50% im like okay if the cyst is as bad as it was and theyre cutting out a whole chunk of flesh and stitching it my likely best case scenario is moderate swelling and pain, moderate body movement and anxiety over a fucking wound thats so deep and like ive never had such a deep wound before and in this area i cant even bend with a cyst and its stitched what if i bent and it ripped like fair enough i could ask many of these questions of my personal anxieties with a doctor. and maybe what really happens is a bit of both and i struggle with feeding and bathing myself and my biggest concern is the set of stairs to the apartment and living in disgusting filthy room. 

so now im dealing with maybe a home care nurse level of care. im made some food. my bandage is changed and im left to fend for everything else even though there could be some limited mobility and stairs and just like.. not really being able to do anything strenuous and i imagine not alot of sitting and like this all sucks and now im watching the person i looked forward to the most feed me the bare minmum and leave. or he stays and is of more help and i fall into the same bullshit again. maybe he feeds me over and over these romantic bullshit lines like once i get out of rehab wel do this and this and blah blah blah because hes still fucking sick and theres no controlling what he will actually do so what he demonstrated is that hes unstable an i have no been freshly duped by him and i dont feel mentally strong enough to take the rollercoaster with him in any way shape or form. 

as he was repeating some shit about needing to respect him getting care for himself, my phone died and i took a deep breath and put it dow and was kind of thankful that the fates of technology decided this for me because i was really really super done. i know hes serious about going and i know hes serious about having no concern for me because hes already done all of these things so everythhing that happens is tainted to yeah hes right - “i knew all along” that he was a lieing piece of shit and i was wasting my time. 

and it bothers me that like on paper im like real shit luck in life, been through so much, have very little in posessions, no family and this person was like oh hey we’ll go do this and this and frolic through the land and its like do you even comprehend the weight of what you just did to this person. and to turn around and say make a way for yourself like im piggybacking off of you? omg. 

theres like a top 5 worst people ive ever personally known. my mother almost always tops the list for pure longevity. i have an ex friend who turned so vicious it like fucked us both up in the long run and im bitter about it. my most recent friend would maybe me number 5, maybe in running with my alcoholic friend because besides being nice theyre terrible people. but in this list, possibly #2 has to be him. he is worse than my ex because my ex’s “sickness” was being dumb as fuck and hes like.. hes just dumb. hes not terrible hes just really dumb and like not a good person to be around and even though i got him arrested im not ure he would be top 5. he was just so dumb that im not like traumatize by him im just like man thats on me. thats rly rly on me. but this guy --- im not so fucking retared im just running back to a piece of shit to be shit on with zero fucking bonus to my life. this person has to actively participate in making me want to come back by actions and words. im not stuck with him at all. no money ties. i dont live with him. why woud i go back unless he was gving me something i wanted? 

but he was never going to give me anything i truly wanted. and its my fault for sticking around. he told me all of this so i shouldve known even though “we’re going to have a sugar shack, we’re going to have a dog” - and just this mention of the word “we” was soooooooooooo fucking nice to me you have no idea. this really like.. stuck in my head and made me feel a tiny comfort like wow theres a we. i’m not just an i. i’m finally a we.

does he care? no he doesnt fucking care. hes sick. hes going to rehab. 

the bestthing he could do is leave me alone. thats truly the very best option. my trust is broken. like nothing he says to me from this point on is believable or true or leads to anything substantial. i should put no weight at all on anything he says which makes any conversation with him totally useless. because even if our convo is political i dont believe thats what he believes anymore. maybe tomorrow he believes something else. 

and if you love me. if you actually fucking love me you dont “love me to death”. thats not it. true love of me is an actual understanding of who i am and what ive been through, to really deeply respect where ive come from just lke i have to respect everyones living family my story should be equally respected and taken seriously and not toyed with. thats showing me a true love and if you cannot do this you need to step away and honestly man. its not like a step away for awhile and we’ll see like people are like wow ur so black and white but why am i fucking with a future you when both present and past blew it? there is no evidence to even back up future you and by the time future you outweighs all of this karmically, who the fuck cares that we ever knew each other its like some kid i sat beside in a classroom. like cool bro ur still alive wow nice. i never want to deal with him or anyting about him again. he made me carry so much of his weight he refuses to see it and i didnt need any of this in my life and i didnt ask for him to do any of this in my life. but i shouldve walked away sooooo long ago. i can reprimand myself fo this. but i also know im on my process and this is part of it. this is three years out. im not even homeless or fucked up im just like super sad about all of it. 

he had this speech about how i had to get the surgery before because we had to be ready for spring. so he had intertwined this surgery with this proposed future and i had to do it to be prepared and show him im serious and now im like bro if i get one in 3 months who cares ill just go to the hospital again. this is an option. they never said i would die if i idnt get it. its just a like.. quality of life surgery. and my quality of life is shit anyways this surgery and these cysts mean nothing to me and having to go through all of this man.. at one point he had literally said “if you dont get surgery because of me then thats how itll have to be” 

so you stepped on other people, you hurt other people and if they dont do a thing to better themselves because they have to deal with you “then so be it”? im going to ~rehab~.

i havent turned my phone back on for a few hours i guess and i really dont want to. he wont have done anything differnt, ill have gotten no messages but i dont know. i just.. i want to forget all of this. him, the surgery. just continue to hobbit for the month or something and “figure something out”.