#everything was so close to being okay
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arthur (prince of camelot) still has to study under a tutor bc yknow uther wants him to be very intelligent before becoming king or something bc its super important idk idc anyways merlin is doing chores in his chambers while arthur is squinting at a book and merlin eventually caves and asks him what he’s reading and arthur gruffly explains that its a collection of stories from greece that make absolutely no sense so merlin asks him to read them outloud to him. arthur of course teases him and calls him an idiot and asks how he could possibly help but does as he’s asked and reads the stories to merlin as he does his chores. merlin (being crushed under the weight of destiny and tormented by the prophecies that kilgharrah spews) understands the stories almost immediately and gets all excited and starts rambling about them with arthur. arthur is glad to have someone who understands so he can give something that reflects a hint of understanding to his tutor who accepts it and moves onto the next unit of education.
the thing is, arthur finds more stories in camelot’s library and brings them up to his room to read them aloud to merlin under the guise of completing his studies but really he just wants to watch as merlin’s eyes gleam when he understands whats happening and listen to him ramble on and on about them bc he’s gay. the stories stick with merlin though and he realizes that they’re cautionary tales, that the heroes who were told too much of their future doomed themself to fulfill them - that them fighting the prophecies led to their completion. merlin takes it to heart and gives a big “fuck you” to kilgharrah before forging his own fate and helping morgana with her magic and handing out an olive branch to mordred and now everyone can live happily and peacefully in an albion teeming with magic.
#merlin and arthur are of course at each others side in the end#merlin is curled up with arthur in their bed and says a silent thank you to his king for saving him#arthur returns the sentiment wholeheartedly#bbc merlin#merlin emrys#arthur pendragon#merthur#fic idea#fanfic#fanfiction#headcanon#hc#head canon#merthur prompt#i have my own hc of fate vs destiny in bbc merlin and i like to incorporate that into everything i write#but then i realize that not everyone thinks that way lmao#i like to think that destiny is unavoidable. merlin and arthur are destined to form albion and lead it together#i think fate is like a fragile version of destiny#i think most people are tied to fate and will follow what they are fated to do unless those who arent tied down by fate change course#like i hc that seers are able to see the potential future of what is to happen should they not interfere#and the goddess leaves it up to them to choose. so like seers arent tied down by fate and can change the course of history#since merlin is literally magic incarnate i also think he isnt tied down by fate and can act to change things#kilgharrah told merlin the prophecy that would result in the dragon getting free and ending the pendragon line#and since merlin never got close w like any druids or magic users. no one told him the inner workings of fate vs destiny#so he listened to the dragons warnings dooming him to fulfill the prophecy that brought about one of the worst possible futures#bc the dragon was salty about his whole species being eradicated by uther and vowed to destroy the pendragon line#omg im ranting okay post over thank you and good night
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It actually aches my heart thinking about how alone Giyuu must feel. Especially when Sanemi and Obanai make it extremely clear that they don’t like him, and refuse to get along with him.
So when you ask him if he wants to have tea with you after training, he’s already quick to brush you off because his heart is guarded like a fortress now. And no matter how much he wants to say “yes” the words don’t rise in his throat as his lips move to speak them.
And maybe it’s because he doesn’t think he’s deserving of your kindness, or your time? You’re always talking to him, despite the fact he often provides far less in return. One word responses to the flurry of questions and stories you share with him— spending your time indulging him when you could be off talking to any of the other pillars.
So he finds himself sitting down opposite you at the small table that’s set up overlooking the garden. Folding his legs beneath him as you pour warm tea into the cup that’s already sitting in position— as though you already knew he would come.
And he indulges himself. Listening to you talk until the sun falls behind the trees and basks the land in hues of tangelo and amythyst. Upset at himself that he’s let you give everything, while he’s given you nothing in return.
But when it’s time to leave and you reach up to bring him into a comforting hug he stands stoic in front of you. Feeling the warmth from your skin radiate through him as though the sun still hangs high in the sky. It’s like you do something to him that he can’t explain as tears begin to clump in his lash line, blanking his vision as he tries desperately to blink them away. And no matter for how long you both stand there, or how long he cries— Giyuu still can’t bring himself to wrap his arms around you to return the hug.
Because he truly believes he’s undeserving of your kindness.
#giyuu angst#soft Giyuu#I just wanna hold him and tell him everything’s okay#and I wanna punch Sanemi for being mean to him#and Obanai because you know Mitsuri won’t punch him so I volunteer#and thinking about him being close with rengoku and losing him too#sigh
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☆ de fontaine
{☆} characters furina {☆} notes cult au, imposter au, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings angst, suicidal thoughts, hurt / no comfort {☆} word count 1.4k
This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair!
She thought, for one moment, she could put the mask down and breathe – for one moment of daydreaming, she thought she could just be Furina. She thought she would finally get to live the live she should've had in the first place, the life she threw away to play God to an audience who saw her as nothing but a circus animal, dancing to their whims. Furina just wanted to be selfish for one brief and fleeting moment..and it was gone before she could even grasp it in her hand. A comet soaring past far out of her reach.
She can barely keep her hands from violently shaking as she looks down at them – broken and bloody and more a corpse then a person – and she feels so numb she can't even feel the rain pelting against her back. None of this is fair, she wants to scream, why is it always me? But her voice is silent beneath the torrent of rain. She wonders if the ocean would take her if she sank into it's depths – just for a moment, she wonders how it would feel to finally be able to sleep at ease.
Furina is tired.
But Furina is nothing if not useful, isn't she?
So she forces her feet to move, dragging against the stone beneath her heels, and drags their bloodied body into the nearest empty building, letting the rain do the work of washing away the smeared blood following her path. The smell makes her feel sick, the feeling of it sticking to her hands and gloves makes her lightheaded, but she persists. Because Furina is useful, because Furina won't let them die out in the rain, because Furina won't stand by and just let them rot on the streets like some..pest.
Furina wants to go home. She wants to sleep and she isn't she if she wants to wake up, this time. But she keeps going anyway.
Because it's all she's ever done, and the habit sticks.
An Archon she may not be, not anymore, but the expectations of five hundred years still linger like eyes on the inside of her skull. They watch her, pry and prod at her thoughts, mocking laughter and judging eyes following her as she forces herself to dance to the song they weave with glee. Furina never stepped off that stage – she's still there, she thinks, watching the crowd stare at her in disdain as the curtain call looms above her like a guillotine. She still hears Neuvillette deliver her damnation and salvation with a trembling voice, still feels her hair stand on end when electro crackled like the crack of the whip, Clorinde's blade aimed at her like a loaded gun.
She's trapped on that stage and she never left, not really.
She hates it. She thinks she hates them, but it's not their fault. They didn't ask for this, didn't ask for everyone to turn against them, didn't ask for her to save them. Neither did she..yet here they are, she thinks.
She tries to tell herself she's in control this time, though. She can stop performing her part in this horrible, bloody play any time she wants. It makes her feel better, just for a little while, if she convinces herself she's still Furina, painfully human.
And Furina has always been good at lying.
It's the believing that's the hard part.
There isn't time for her to wallow in her own self pity, though. They're still bleeding out onto the dusty, creaky floorboards of some random, broken down house and she's just standing there as the blood stains the wood. She can fix it – she's good at fixing things. She's done nothing but fix things – try to, anyway – for five hundred years. She can fix a little wound, how hard could it be? Her hands are clenched so tight they ache as she kneels down, wincing at the creak of the floorboards beneath her heels– she hesitates just long enough to wonder if she's making a mistake before she peels away just enough of the outer layer of their clothes to see the deep, bloody gash across their chest. She tries not to think about it – it's deep, too deep, and she feels dizzy just looking at it, but she's handled worse, right?
Furina can fix it. That's what she's good at.
She doesn't feel so confident when she tries to wrack her brain for..something. Five hundred years, and a little wound stumps her? No, she had to have learned something, right? She's decidedly not trying to buy time because she's panicking, parsing through hundreds of years of memories like flipping through a book. Furina isn't made for this, not really – she's running on nothing but adrenaline and she's really not sure what she's doing, but she's trying. And just like before, it won't be enough, will it?
She'll fall short again – she'll be too late to fix it before she's alone again.
Furina was an Archon..used to be. What use would she have for that sort of knowledge? Which makes her predicament all the more harrowing and bleak. What was she supposed to do?
Furina had heard it first hand, that vitriol in Neuvillette's voice. She isn't sure she's ever heard him that..angry before. She's not sure he would listen to her if she tried, either. And that scares her more then anything. All of Fontaine was up in arms about this..imposter, yet here she was, staring down at them bleeding out in front of her, and she was trying to save them.
Why? Why is she throwing away her only chance at normalcy for a fraud? Why didn't she just turn them in?
They were dying – that should've been a good thing, shouldn't it? So why didn't it feel like it?
"Why you?" Her voice breaks as she speaks in harsh tones, grabbing the front of their shirt in trembling, bloodied hands. "Why now?" She wants to scream, to demand answers they can't give, to claw back the reprieve she was promised after five hundred years of agony..and all she can do is sob into their chest, pleading for an answer that will not come. "Why me?"
Silence is their answer, and it hangs heavy on her trembling shoulders as she cries.
Of course they don't, she thinks bitterly, no one has ever answered her pleas spoken in hushed sobs. Not her other self and certainly not them.
Furina has always been alone. Furina will always be alone.
Because Furina never left that stage, never left that moment when she looked at herself in the mirror and took up a mantle too heavy for her to bear. She always finds her way back eventually. There's no one on the other side anymore – she stands alone on a stage, waiting for an inevitable end she isn't sure will come.
"Please," She pleads through tears and choked sobs, clinging to them like they are all that keeps her from sinking. "Please don't leave me, too." The words burn on her tongue – how pathetic is she that she craves companionship from the bloodied body of the imposter? Perhaps she's truly lost her mind after all these years..perhaps she's finally gone mad. She must have.
But their presence is like the first feeling of gentle warmth upon her skin as the sun crests the horizon, like the gentle lap of tides along her heels, the sway of branches and leaves as the wind blows through them like an instrument all it's own. They are the soothing sound of rain against the window as she watches the dreary skies in fond longing, the first bloom of spring as color blooms upon the landscape like paint had been spilled across the hills and valleys.
They are like the faint spark she carefully nurtures and stokes, so fragile even the smallest wind could blow it out like a candle. She cradles it within her palms, pleads with whoever will listen – prays that someone finally listens, because if not for her, then for them.
She's failed to protect too much already, let too many people with so much trust in her fall between the cracks of her fingers like grains of sand. She won't let them go – she can't.
If nothing else, if she couldn't be saved when she begged for salvation from that five hundred year long agony, even if she never got that chance..
Furina will make sure they do.
#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#genshin cult au#genshin impact cult au#fic tag#furina#so um. looks around. okay look. i know im like THE ts@r1ts@ dealer (censored so it doesnt show in tags. hopefully)#but the moment i saw furi in fontaine the day it released she became my fav even more then the tsaritsa SORRY SHES SO..#this is my love letter 2 furi (making her suffer unimaginable horrors)#open ended kinda in case i decide on making a sequel maybe#furi makes me feel cuteness aggression so bad i start acting like a rabid animal#furina the woman that you are. thats my girlprince meow meow id kill someone for her#playing her part as archon so well but being so horribly irrefutably human in every way..#five hundred years not even knowing what the real plan was. when it would end. knowing if she slipped up it was over.#and in the end almost no one knew what really happened. a select few people know the real weight of her sacrifice.#furina's story was always a tragedy. it was never going to be anything but a tragedy.#and thats one of the most tragic parts of it isnt it? she didnt know how itd end. she didnt know her story was always going to be a tragedy#furina never knew a thing. and still she did it for the people of fontaine and succeeded.#how do you define “yourself” when you havent existed for 500 years?#to be so selflessly human you give up “yourself” to save people who will never know of your sacrifice.#sometimes i think about the confrontation on the stage and have a week long mental breakdown#sacrificing EVERYTHING for fontaine and still. still! the people closest to you turn on you.#heavy on clorinde. she was as close 2 furi as neuvi fight me on this. i bite.#her bodyguard and friend and she ends up staring down her blade wondering if this is it. she failed. she failed them all#because even when faced with the trial. with losing everything. she still thought only about fontaine. oh furina.#do you think she has nightmares. wonders if she was never meant to win this game of g-ds. that her story was always meant to be a tragedy?#do you think she still wonders if she was ever meant to have a chance at a happy ending? a doomed tragedy from beginning to end
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play dentist
#caligosto loboto#dr loboto#but specifically wayyy younger#psychonauts#trainofthought#things that will make sense to me specifically and also close friends. i thinj#kind of rough but i dont care#umm 911? my dentist is being Really Fucking Weird 🫣🫣🫣🫣#skirt because it said so. i happened. i was there. i was the dentist#holy crap i forgot the nose bridhe. of the glssses. oh fudge.. ummm… 2 late 😇#i was looking up refference images. Why are they just. selling dental equipment on amazon..???#like. for personal use.#Thats…. Not Okay…. I think.#praying that i got everything labeled right#blood tw#<-kind of..?? its more implied if anything#every day my vintage effects get more and more aggressive#soon you will barely be able to see my artwork it will just be noise /j#the hardest part about posting art is convincing myself to post it…#whavery… the internet has to deal with my sillyness and i will simply not care
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litany of the martyrs (click for better resolution!)
#at some point i wanted to make an illustration for each character but in retrospect maybe each is multiple song-coded..#drew the sketch for a quincy thing after a chat with a mutual reminded me this song existed dfsghjkl and then spent weeks rendering this#quincy cynthius martin#adamandi#i'm finally done with this! the saints especially were joys to paint and the halo a menace.... this has been the most ambitious one so far.#but it also took quite long because i only worked on it <engages with quincy> when mentally okay to deal with the themes. i'm not religious#but i do identify with the irrational(?ish) guilt + family legacy + academic achievement + disregard for self. also more complex thoughts#about love [but depsite quincent being a large part of quincy's character this piece deals with mostly the Rest of it. so another time..]#anyways! in the original sketch- the saints had heads bent towards quincy so the halo spikes pointed at him. but this worked better! halos#of the saints implying/creating one for quincy was a concept from the start though. in the show they don't touch him directly here but#differences in mediums i think- i don't have time in an image to craft a narrative so everything has to be happening. also artistic liberty#misc inspiration for this includes stained glass windows. i might have maybe misinterpreted the saint costume but i think i logic-ed it out#as the cloth part following a nun's habit w the hood. and then halo above. the material is also more transparent originally but i had. um.#too much fun painting fabric folds.. if you look closely you can see the basis of faces though behind the cloth; but only the vague shapes#because smth obscurity + inhumanness// cassian is the only one i gave a mouth though. that stems from melliot's post about the saints and#st cassian as spokesperson (<- did research teehee!) that's also how i found out which costume = which saint. speaking of which.#left to right: 'st lucy take my hand' // 'st lawrence give me strength' (presses quincy forward; but hand on shoulder connotates guidance)#/'st cassian help me smile' (quincy's mouth is btwn a grimace and a smile; tilts up at side. also no direct touch bc added insidiousness.)#//'st jude [...] i hope your causes burn' (jude's hand is in two places to show movement- nearing the flame and then snatching back; burnt)#other notes: at the midst of the flame the core is shaped like a human heart /the saints and their wax are all melting like the candle for#fun visual effect and also this way they are even less tangible <real>. perks of painting as a medium i guess. // also insp from icarus?#wax and burning imagery; looking at the halo and rays as parallel to sun that burns. too close to the sun; melting; hurting; hurtling //#candles at bottom are a nod to the frankly gorgeous set// also the entire composition kind of stems from the lyric <what use is a candle if#both ends aren't burning>; the two sides between the concepts of catholic guilt and academic perfection that spur quincy#the halo above (saints and guilt; litanyofthemartyrs) and the 'halo' below (academic papers; insp from choreo for perfect at school)#the papers were originally supposed to be more glowy. but i like the idea of it now being a reflection of how quincy's priorities shift#also of note is that <candle> in centre = quincy; w burning candle + aforementioned heart in flame -> most human; idea of love + passion#last thoughts: kneeling + hands close tgt = prayer //wax dripping onto the red As make an effect that looks like blood. because i like#hiding that within the adamandi pieces :OO continuity!! // i've run out of tags but yeah! had fun with this one! every so often i go a#little insane in making art and the final result astounds even me. ngl i'm quite proud of this one. pretty colours <3333
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Hey. The Finders have no idea that Bonzle was captured. Fritz and Spitz are still waiting, playing video games in the Monastery, for Cole to bring their sister out of hiding now that the blood moon is over. Geo is still sitting by the window, watching and waiting for a dragon on the horizon to return his kid safe and sound. Cole took a very unsure Bonzle, assured them all everything would be okay, and they'd be back soon. He promised he'd find a way to protect her.
Don't think about how they'll smile when Cole finally trudges back, happy to know he's okay. Especially don't think about the Finders stopping, looking out over the group, and how Cole can't look them in the eyes when they turn to him and ask; where's Bonzle?
#ninjago#ninjago dragons rising#lego ninjago#dragons rising#bonzle#finders#cole#cole brookstone#geo#fritz#spitz#text post#angst#talk#LISTEN TO ME#COLE LOST 2 WHOLE FAMILY MEMBERS DURING THAT BLOOD MOON#HES GOING TO NOT BE OKAY!!!!!!! HES DOING SO BAD#mans is a FATHER and he PROMISED he'd keep his kid safe. he promised it to the OTHERS#and hes going to have to walk back up those steps and admit to being a LIAR and a FAILURE#hes not obviously sht just went sideways but you KNOW he blames himself#geo very worriedly stayed behind w fritz & spitz FULLY TRUSTING that cole would keep bonzle safe & bring her back#he loves him so much (in a gay way. u know it to be true) so he trusts him IMPLICITLY to keep them safe. hes done it before#can you imagine the HORROR when cole comes back and hes...alone. with no one else but the other ninja (minus 1)#geo realizing what happened before the kids. the way everything just freezes and drops. cole curled so tight in on himself#and cole cant say hes sorry because he cant even look at them. he lost family hes had for over a decade & a kid he claimed his own for year#you saw how he was w child wu. you saw how desperate he was to keep bonzle safe. AND KAI IS GONE TOO???#homeboy is having the literal worst day ever. imagine him trying to tuck fritz & spitz close while on one knee trying to explain it all#and bro jsut feels like hes literally the worst person in the world#something something 'you dont get to stay with the ninja & be happy. i tried to protect you from what hurt me as a kid'#'and instead your right in the thick of it'
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if i ever stop talking abt this movie just know im either dead or have been hacked because oh my god. genuinely the most gorgeous movie ive ever seen.
#rocketman#taron egerton#elton john#this movie is so goddamn beautiful#i wasn't going to watch it again#just because ive seen it so many times before#but after everything ive been through in my life recently#i decided to give it a go#and by god.#ive never really felt unique or special in any way#and ive always felt ashamed of being pretty normal#(besides being considered a “weird” kid since i wasnt popular)#but this movie taught me that it is okay to not be special#you don't need to be over the top#you just need to be yourself#also#struggling with the whole “being loved” thing#this really hit close to home#“real love's hard to come by. so you find a way to cope with out it”#fuck man#i love this movie so fucking much#sorry for ranting#just needed to get it out of my system#🐈⬛ — lillie's thoughts
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Just remembered this part of an ENT novel exists. What the fuck.
#So Much to unpack here#Trip meaning more to Malcolm than anyone else in his life ever has that he wants to give him all of his possessions is crazy#Trip himself being so thrown that he's like: you have a sister?? Why am I getting everything?#The attention paid to their conflucting roles as optimist/pessimist#And on top of it all: Malcolm has agricultural property in Argentina apparently??? Sure okay#Star Trek#Enterprise#ENT#Malcolm Reed#Trip Tucker#Tuckerreed#Yeah I'll tag it that. It's close enough#Surak's Soul#Original Post
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men love to try and tee me up for their next relationship while they’re still dating their current gf and i am never interested. NEVER.
#i don’t even fuck w men like that#mind you i’ve told this man that i am NOT INTERESTED in dating SEVERAL TIMES when he’s asked ab my romantic life#but he’s saying some suspicious ass stuff#like today he was like ‘yeah and it’s hard bc i’m starting have feelings for….this isn’t about anyone in particular….others outside#the relationship. and it’s making me feel guilty’#and i’m like hm. um. okay.#and he’s being weirdly cryptic with me in the way men get when they think they’re being sly ab their feelings for you#😭😭#he’s texting me a bunch lately too like ‘you just really inspire me to be the best version of myself i can be’#and ‘i had a really bad week and i just wanted to thank you for being so kind and funny and awesome’#mind you i didn’t do anything out of ordinary for him#mind you he’s my coworker!!!#i see him every day!!#i’m not stupid idk 😭 you complain ab your gf to me and the shower me in praise like pls stop im uncomfortable 😭😭#i’ve already told him i don’t really want this dynamic with a coworker and he kinda just continues and idk what to do anymore!#like we work closely on everything!#he sits directly beside me in the office!#BLAH#cielo rambles!
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I'm going to rotate them in my mind.. the angst potential for my poor poor Rook . .... .
#dragon age#datv#dragon age veilguard#datv spoilers#veilguard spoilers#Alios Ingellvar#they are going to go through so much post game and post Davrin.. they were gonna build a future together#god#if i do keep dav dead then i feel like Rook is gonna get closer to Bellara after everything#they were already pretty close#but i also want to have Dav alive like what i say and what Rook says that theyre almost hopeful Dav and Assan are okay because no body#so im like NO BODY NO DEATH and maybe things happened post Ghilain'ain fight that they survive#or i keep them dead oh my rook is going to spend so much time with uncle and the griffons at arlathan forest#please it was so criminal to have their last convo being about the future#I thouGHT THEY WERE GONNA MAKE IT it makes sense letting a leader lead the other team . i was going with Mass Effect 2 logic#Dragon Age Davrin#ive gotten so much brain worms#the way i drew yhese sketches yesterday before the final and i was SO HOPEFUL#girl im reloading to see the romance scenes at the end i am putting myself through that all over again just for that my god i will#4 hours of hell for this man
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Bakugou gets a boner whenever he fixes you food because you always seem to close your eyes, hum under your breath, and do a little dance in your seat whenever you bite into it. he fixes you a four course meal but now he’s rushing you to eat it in .8 seconds bc he keeps watching you and now his chub won’t go away :/
#my eyes burn I’m so sleeby#okay but I love him#and pictured him making me an everything heart shaped breakfast for Valentine’s Day#and me being half sleep but still devouring the food#rocking from side to side the whole time w my eyes closed bc that shut is bussin#and he immediately is bricked up#annoying caveman that I adore#okay gn I think I’m coming down with something#AGAIN#—new treat in the streets! 🍫#bakugou treats! 🍬
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2024 Las Vegas GP ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ by Irwen Song
#max verstappen#red bull mechanics#autumn posts#I hope everyone is well if you're reading this!!! 💞💞#work has me so stressed rn ahh 😵💫 sometimes it just gets so overwhelmingly busy#I have to remind myself everything will be okay 🌅❤️✨ and all I can do is my best!! I'll keep on working hard 🔥 then relaxing hard too hehe!#I can't be around as much and its sad when the season is almost over!! my first end of a season as a new fan!!#one chapter closes and another to start 📚#but I'm excited for the winter break too ❄️🩵💙 so much fanfic I cannot wait to catch up on reading!!!!! so hyped!!! 💖💖#and maybe to write...imagine if I had a fanfic blog out there somewhere 😳✨ hehe its not a big secret but I'll maybe link it here soon!!#I'm kinda still cutting my teeth (is that the phrase?) like getting used to putting stuff out there#but I'm just so immensely thankful to everyone there and here on this blog!! like...#the likes and tags and posts and art folks share 🥹💞 one of the best parts of my day is stopping by tumblr and sharing in this with y'all#so thank you for always being so excellent and all the wonderful shared vibes and musings and fun over the blorbos ✨🙂↕️#a delight!!!!!!!!!!!#okay back to work here 🫡❤️ idk love to gab in the tags#excited to be back soon!!! 💖💖💖 sending everyone the most immaculate of vibes for a great time of day wherever u are!! 🏙️🌃🌇❤️✨
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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Protecting my peace and learning to move on. Accepting the things I cannot control and taking it all as lessons. You can’t force people to change, you can’t force people to understand you, you can’t force it to work if the other side isn’t willing to put in the effort because they want to. You can’t force friendships, relationships, people to treat you right. You can’t force anyone or anything. Accepting things as they come and as they go.
If they wanted to, they would.
#also learning to be okay alone and working through some trauma alone#as I’ve noticed it effects everything in my life#I’m to blame for certain things and acknowledging that fact and trying to be better is growth#I’m not the best person by any means but I do wanna be a better one#I’m tired of my trauma that was caused by others to affect me and anyone I come close to#I’ve realized a lot of patterns and that I shouldn’t have to do things to get people to like me#to love me and to want to be around me that’s not healthy or good for me nor is it good for the other people involved#because at the end of the day if someone wants to be around you they would do so#if someone wants to talk to you hit you up be around be a good person to you etc they would do so and if they don’t then they don’t#and accepting that and learning that has been a bit difficult for me life in general has been#I’ve gone through so much in the past few years it’s absolutely exhausting and depending a lot instead of being independent#I have a lot to work on within myself as does everyone#and to the person that (knows I’m directing at him) I’m sorry and I hope we can communicate healthily sometime soon about it all#there’s a lot that needs to be said that wasn’t addressed and I’m sorry for my part#I’m learning and growing and dedicated to positive change I hope one day you see this and understand
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cnstars hiiai impression translations!
first two are in the context of alkaloid, second two are keito lecture
tl notes and original text under cut
the phrase 一窍不通 (yī qiào bù tōng) - knows nothing is used several times across all slides to describe hiiro's inexperience
slide 1: hiiro says he keeps aira's words close to heart 至今 (zhì jīn) - to this day slide 2: 懵懵懂懂 (měng měng dǒng dǒng) - ignorant is also used to describe hiiro's inexperience, 迷茫 (mí máng) - confused/lost and 脆弱 (cì ruò) - fragile are used to describe hiiro's mental state after the incident with his brother slide 3: hiiro uses the phrase 拓宽眼界 (tà kuān yǎn jiè) - broaden horizons, 亲切 (qīn qiè) - kindly slide 4: 欲望 (yù wàng) - desire is used to describe hiiro's passion for learning, aira describes hiiro's practicing after lectures as 热衷 (rè zhōng) - (to be) keen on/eager to do so
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#hiiro amagi#aira shiratori#hiiai#enstars#i dont translate often so i apologize if the wording is confusing!!#and feel free to point out any mistakes#breathes heavily. the keeps close to heart to this day line absolutely destroyed me j was half crying while typing it out#hiiro hasn't mentioned that day specifically at all since it happened so seeing him finally say it is so. ragh#its not mentioned explicitly but i interpreted “those words he said to me” as The Lines from thermometry (mainstory ch 160)#EVEN TO THIS DAY!! TO THIS DAY!!!!!! HE WILL NEVER FORGET!!!!!#also the last line in aira -> hiiro keito lecture version kind of confused me#but i think its just aira being grateful that keito made him join keito lecture bc he is Not Very Good at school#and hiiro remembers everything they learn and can help him out even more#okay i need to do my actual homework now#bye bye#happy hiiai#⭑ tea rambles
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okay but Sirius who has a blind spot the size of Russia for Regulus. Like, guys it's not his fault if he's supporting Voldemort, it's our family's. It's not his fault if he's turning into a Death Eater, it's because of who he's hanging out with. It's not his fault if he's getting sucked into a blood purist cult, it's because he's too soft, too kind, too naive, too stupid to push back against what they've been taught. He's a good person at heart, Sirius swears, and makes excuses.
But also, Regulus having an equally Russia-sized blind spot for Sirius. It's not his fault if he's getting distant, it's because he's alone in Gryffindor without support. It's not his fault if he's questioning everything they know is true, it's because of his so-called friends. It's not his fault if he's becoming a blood traitor, it's because of the mudbloods and the half-breeds and the blood traitors and fucking Potter. Regulus arguing with his parents for the first time because they can't disown Sirius it's just letting them win and we can't let them keep Sirius.
Sirius distancing himself more and more from his family the more hateful Regulus gets (look at what they're doing to his brother!) and Regulus growing into more and more of a blood purist the more Sirius distance himself (they're stealing his brother, they need to get rid of them!).
And neither of them realizes it either.
#hp#rambles of my soul#tbh i do see them as being really close as kids#regulus getting upset when he can't go to hogwarts with sirius#and then getting angry and jealous when sirius comes back and he has (internal gag) friends#like he's he not enough? why would sirius need them when regulus is right there?#regulus never grew out of feeling replaced bc his brother got friends: the family drama#sirius is so annoyed bc he doesn't understand what's regulus' problem is#so he spends more time with his friends bc regulus is not fun to be around anymore :/#so they end up never getting close again bc too much resentment and 0 communication#although a regulus lives au where he has to confront the fact that he lost sirius bc of his own actions would be pretty funny#like uuuugh okay he can come to term that he was wrong about the blood purist thing sure fine no problem#but now he has to (UGH) play nice with his brother's friends to get something of a relationship with him back???#the horror he would have rather died actually#anyways#it's 4am i'm rambling everything's fine#regulus black#sirius black#hc
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