#everything my grandma does pisses me the fuck off I’m so serious

[digitaldollsworld]

Heartbreaking: Minor Inconvenience Makes Guy So So Angry

[redxblueihateloveyou]

i'm curious, what are your top 10 favorite rinharu moments in high speed and high speed 2?? i love the books. i don't understand why people say is impossible to ship rinharu if you read them...

Lmao who are those “people”? As in multiple? And are they from Mars? I do not get this. You cannot be serious. You probably meant “impossible not to ship”?

I don’t know about top ten, I love all of their interractions tbh, they just remind me of my fav type of romance in general. I know what are my top 5 I think, but after that I love everything, so it’s hard to rate.

1. My absolutely favorite moment will forever be the one, where Rin describes the way he sees Haru in the water, I’m seriously forever in awe, because, I’ve read a lot of books, and like... even period dramas got nothing on Rin Matsuoka, when he describes the love of his life. I mean, seriously, find yourself a person who sees you the way Rin sees Haru lol

Rin felt like he was touched by the light, that surrounded him with warmth. He turned around to see Haruka, who was glowing. Shining. Haruka was shining with every strong and confident stroke that he made. The outstanding energy, emitted from him, surrounded Haruka with the dazzling light and Rin froze, unable to look away. Rin’s heart was beating so hard in his chest, that he forgot how to breathe. Haruka stole his heart. And the further away he got from him, the more distance grew between them, the more uneasy Rin felt, like he was losing the control over his emotions. He was possesed by Haruka’s shining. His strokes looked as if he was hugging the water, his leg movements were so effortless and so elegant, as if water herself was moving him to the finish line. But in all these deceptively smooth and unhurried motions were so much strength and power and such incredible speed, that all his opponents didn’t stand a chance. His swimming was that transcendent reality. He was like a bird dancing in the sky with its wings spread wide.”

Dude... I’m like... still speechless. I mean, and not just this, but everytime Rin talks about Haru, even when he jokes about his stupid habbits, you still feel that he finds him so beautiful, inside and outside, that it just makes my heart melt. 

2. When Aki tells Rin that if you put him and Haru together, you get a perfection. 

“That guy has no sense of humor. He should learn by watching me, don't you think?" Rin joked lightly.

Aki laughed a bit at his words. "It's true. Add the two of you together and divide by two, and it would be perfect."

But I mainly love that moment, because like... Aki starts telling him, that Haru is not what he's pretending to be (like for some idiots in the fandom who call him selfish, that was the explanation for them xD) and how everyone always want something from him, and he never asks for anything in return and doesn’t have anyone to lean on (yup that’s what I said all along, too, with Makoto’s dumb behavior in difficult situations, he’s on his own there lmao). And she waits for Rin to deny it or like be surprised, but it turned out that that’s exactly how Rin sees him and that he cracked him from the very beginning. BTW, here’s your addition to the ask about Rin loving Haru for who he is and seeing him for who he is. I’m just in love with that moment, because I’m happy that he just... not only he knows him, but bc he’s not one of those many idiots who just don’t get it.

"Nanase-kun seems like he can do anything all by himself, doesn't he? He's good at studying and sports and even art. He really can do anything, right? That's why everyone relies on him, but it would really be something for Nanase-kun to rely on anyone, wouldn't it?"

Rin certainly thought this was true. He had only just transferred, but the image that Rin had of Haruka was exactly that. But even if Haruka didn't have the will to go out and get involved with other people on his own, it wasn't like he was completely isolated. On the contrary, he was considered the most reliable person in their class, and when people relied on him, he always did his best to meet their expectations. This was the strange balance that people around Haruka had to maintain.

3. The one when Haru calls Rin by his name for the first time. And I honestly for some reason didn’t even realize that this moment was in the anime until my 3rd rewatch (lol), but, man, little Rin’s reaction is the most adorable ever. I cry.

4. When Gou meets Haru for the first time and immediately goes “ah so you’re Haruka Nanase, the one, who my brother talks about 24/7...‘Nanase is so cool, Nananse is so fast!’” and Rin just goes red lmfaaaaaooooo.

5. When Haru says that he feels the fever running through his body each time he just sees Rin, but he doesn’t understand what it means... ahem.... OH WELL

6. When Rin tells them he’s leaving and Haru gets absolutely furious and calls him a selfish jerk, but then he feels his legs giving out and he thinks that he needs to be in the water, but then he realizes, that for the first time in his life it won’t save him and he’s so lost and fucking crushed. "you can’t just mess up my whole life and leave me like that” and “this can’t be true, I can’t be this weak.” aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa fucking hellish angst... that mix of emotions was seriously hideous, at first he was so confused and in denial, he couldn’t even think, he literally went “who is leaving?” and then it just all blew up. Poor baby.

7. Just all the little moments, when Rin notices everything Haru does and falls in love a bit more each time. Like when Haru slowed down, when he saw that Nagisa is having troubles of keeping up with him.

Nagisa was earnestly trying to keep up with Haruka. If he kept up that pace, he wouldn't be able to run next to Haruka for the whole trip. That was how it had been yesterday. Nagisa's breath was coming short, and when Haruka saw him slow down a pace, he lightly turned his eyes downward. I guess that's as far as he goes.

A sigh mixed with Haruka's long breaths. Then, by just a tiny increment, Haruka let his pace slacken.

"Oh?" Rin said quietly. Haruka could almost hear him saying "You're so nice, Nanase," and he tsked inwardly. Nagisa caught up to him, smiling as if it hurt a bit. It looked like he'd lost the energy to keep talking.

Just cute, and they watched each other all the time, it’d be a bitch to count each one, but god, all of them were cute.

8. All the moments of Haru pulling Rin’s pigtails... hilarious, especially the RinRin one, but the funniest and my favorite was when Nagisa turned to Haru to ask him for a permision to call Rin Rin-Rin, like... all the rights to Rin belong to Haru and vice versa lmao I agree. “I’ll allow it” lolz shut it, Haru.

9. This moment: “Something happened inside of him that made Haruka incredibly angry, he was so pissed, that he didn’t even want to swim anymore. To think that someone like Rin could make him feel such powerful swirl of emotions and make him such a mess... he felt disgusted with himself.” Yeah, Haru, love is dat bitch when you’re 13 lol

10. The one where Haru whispers “sorry for making you feel that way” to Rin? The one where Rin’s grandma doesn’t want to go to see the relay, but then she suddenly does, when she finds out that her grandson’s future husband is in it? The “he at that moment realized that the only thing Rin was concerned about was Haruka” one? I don’t fucking know, you pick haha ANY MOMENT, ALL THE MOMENTS XD

______

BUT in all seriousness, I do not get how you can love Makoharu after the novels. Like do people just ignore these moments:

“Haru waved Makoto off like an annoying fly”, “feeling annoyed by his obnoxious care, Haruka went right past him”, “feeling like Makoto’s smile could turn into tears any second now, Haru turned away and went to the showers” (fuck this shit I’m out lmao), “complitely ignoring him, Haru kept walking”.

??????? is this... does anyone find this amazing??????!!!!!!!!!!!

Or when Haru was literally fucking losing it, cause Makoto just repeated everything after him and how he just lost all the respect in that moment.

“I feel like I should also get into running.” Makoto said it as it was a joke, but Haru knew for sure that it wasn’t. More than that, he knew, that Makoto was going to ask him that ever since the moment he found out that Haru was running this morning. Haruka fel annoyed, because he couldn’t find the excuse to refuse him.

Or this moment:

“Makoto was late and Haruka didn’t have any reasons to wait for him. Makoto can catch up with him on the way, they’ll meet at the swimming club either way. For both of them it’ll be better, if Haru went by himself, than stood there and waited Makoto, slowly losing his temper.”

“Haruka felt uncomfortable, cause Makoto looked at him, as if was a weak”

Or this:

"Did you know I was going to come out here?" Even though he knew it was impossible, Makoto couldn't stop himself from asking.

"Nope."

"Then, why…" are you standing in a place like this?

"Watching the sunset."

and I can go on and on and on

and the fishies... oh my fucking god, the fishies

***

I’m just saying, all these moments are not even funny. My point in all this, that like no matter how much Haru loves Makoto as a friend... or got used to him is what I personally think, I don’t think he’s ever gonna idk how to say this... respect him as a human being? admire him? And this whole situation... I just can’t appreciate such kind of relationships even in a friends way. 

1stly because Makoto’s behavior in general makes me have war flashbacks to some of my real life experiences (and yeah, I confess, it affected me and that’s why I don’t like his character a lot; because I don’t think many people know what it’s like to deal with these kind of people in general). 2ndly, cause Makoto fans keep trashing Haru and many call him selfish bc of the way he treats him, but what they don’t understand is that if it wasn’t for Haru being this harsh, Makoto would literally became even doormat-y than he is now (yes, it’s possible lmao). 

P.S. my favorite in the novels tbh is all the Haru “I’m surrounded by idiots” moments, like when they started to dig the frozen soil with little scrapes and he was looking at them like they’re morons and then just silently walked away and came back with a giant shovel... “if you keep doing this with your tiny scoopers, we’re gonna be here all night” and they then they just watched him as he did everything himself LMFAO I just love him so freaking much. I also think his relationship with Nagisa are incredible and so underrated, since it’s a huge and incredible part of the books. I just keep saying, Haru’d be an amazing dad, so I can’t wait for him and Rin to adopt xD

P.P.S. And what about the Free! novelization????!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAA

[pls-let-me-out]

Invisible String

Epilogue 

12th of February

From Will to: the Royal Asshole

landed. where r u? i’m lost

From the Royal Asshole

At the entrance. Where else would I be?

From Will to: the Royal Asshole

where I landed so you could help me find the way out

tbh it’s like u don’t care that I get lost easily

From the Royal Asshole

Turn around, idiot.

 Niccolò has grown even more beautiful during the time they’ve spent apart. Will’s breath is caught in his throat for a moment that feels like forever, and they just stand there, looking at one another, a secret challenge between them, to see who will break first and look away.

Niccolò is growing out his hair, which he told Will about, because he ‘wants to see how long they can get’. (“They are hair, doofus. They can reach your waist, if you let them. Honestly, are you just trying to piss me off?”)

The air is cold, and they both wear several layers of clothing. Niccolò is in New York for ‘very important business’, which means that Will has come all the way here from Austin to spend some time together. Seeing each other only on FaceTime is hard, but Will has to admit that it’s still good. It’s not nearly enough, but it’s something.

Will doesn’t know whether he has moved or Niccolò has, but next thing he knows they are crowding each other’s space, and then hugging so hard it should hurt. The soul-mark on Will’s shoulder throbs, but not in pain. Niccolò still has a faint smell of pomegranate, and Will knows, as he takes a deep breath, that he’s going to deny doing so for the rest of his life.

They finally separate, and Nico takes both his and Will’s luggage. Niccolò is staying in some fancy hotel, while Will is going to be with his siblings, in his old room. When he told them he’d be visiting, Austin just sighed. ‘Where am I going to put my wardrobe? It’s literally all on your bed, Will.’ Will ignored him.

“How is everything going?” Niccolò asks, as they exit the airport, and cold air comes hard and unforgiving.

Will shivers. “It’s going, I guess. My grandma is happy to have me there with her for a bit, and I think we needed it.” He tucks his scarf over his nose, sniffling in the cold. A car stops in front of them, too fancy to not attract any attention.

Will gives Niccolò a side-glance. “How fancy, Your Highness.”

Niccolò blushes, but it might be the cold. “Fuck off, will you?”

Will bites back a grin. “Maybe I will. Maybe I Fitz-will.”

Niccolò shakes his head, but a fond and tender smile breaks out on his face, and they climb inside the car. Warm air is far more welcome than that outside. Niccolò rubs his hands together, with a little pout on his face that makes him look even more beautiful.

“How is your grandmother doing?” he asks.

He often does, he’s nice like that. He always sounds interested in Will’s life, even when Will himself realizes how boring it should be, to someone who lives between throne rooms and ancient gardens. Will tells him of his grandmother’s friend, Alice, but he doesn’t say that she’s trying to set him up with his daughter. People don’t recognize him as Prince Niccolò’s soulmate, and the people of his grandmother’s neighborhood know him as Naomi and Apollo’s son.

Will asks him how things are going in Elysium. Niccolò talks about his father, who stubbed his toe in a wall the other day, and has shouted so hard that the guards rang the bell, thinking they were under attack at three in the morning. As he tells the story, Niccolò leans forward to laugh, and hits his forehead against the driver’s seat.

It’s easy to forget the way they said goodbye the day after Christmas. They have been texting almost non-stop ever since, and sometimes they called each other, even if hanging up hurts.

“So, this event of yours,” Will says. He clears his throat. “What time does it end?”

“Late.” Niccolò huffs, crossing his arms on the chest. It seems like they’ll be going to be stuck in traffic for quite some time, but he’s looking out of the window as though he’ll never be here again. “I don’t even want to go there.”

“Prince business and all that,” Will encounters. “You don’t have much choice, do you?”

“Not really, no.” He clears his throat, and it’s terrible how awkward things get when they both remember he’s prince at the same time. “Unless I renounce the crown, I guess.”

Oh. Yes, that. Will snorts, amusement clear in his face as he flashes Niccolò another side-eyed glance. “As if.”

“Yah, I could live like one of you peasants,” Nico grumbles, sinking a bit in his seat.

Will snickers. “You peasants? Say that in Texas, and you’ll get shot.”

“I really hope that’s not a threat, principino,” Niccolò says, his voice low, little more than a whisper, as smooth as a caress.

Will blushes a deep red, ignoring the shiver that runs down his back, he looks out the window. Yeah, the view is very interesting. He tries to keep his eyes there for the rest of the ride, but he doesn’t have half the necessary strenght, not when Niccolò is sitting right next to him.

When he turns, Nico is already looking at him.

 Kayla opens the door with a loud shriek, making Austin startle a bit. He pushes her aside, to step up and hug Will. He takes Will’s face in his hands, turning it left and right.

“What the hell? How do you have a tan?”

“I’ve been in Texas, you know, this past month or so,” Will says, words muffled by the way Austin is squishing his cheeks.

Austin hums. Kayla shrieks again, jumping back, and only then does Will realize that he hasn’t introduced Niccolò yet. He takes a step to the side, allowing everyone’s attention to shift.

“So, this is my–”

A dark aura falls upon the presents. A glittery, sparky Drew Tanaka steps in Will’s visual, wearing only a large flannel shirt he recognizes as his own, open to reveal a white, coffee stained t-shirt. Oh, yes, Kayla’s style has rubbed off on her.

“And who might that be?” She asks, managing to look intimidating. She throws her hair behind her shoulder, looking at Niccolò like he’s some kind of disease.

“As I was saying,” Will responds, grabbing Niccolò’s wrist to drag him forward, steadying him when he stumbles. “This is Niccolò, Prince of many things, and you might call him His Royal Highness on the days he’s particularly generous. On the other days, I suggest you don’t call him at all, because he can be a real bitch.”

Nico rolls his eyes, offering his siblings his hand. “Sorry about him, I’m sure you know better than me to never listen to him. It’s very nice to meet you, and just Nico is fine.”

“It’s nice to meet you too,” Kayla says, blushing to the tip of her ears as they shake hands.

“Well, are you going to offer us food or what?” Will says, interrupting Nico and Drew’s sudden staring contest. Their hands drop back to their hips. He drops his luggage in Niccolò’s hands. “Come, you can drop it by my bed.”

“I didn’t clean it!” Austin shouts after him. Will responds with a groan, louder when he realizes just how unclean Austin has left it.

“Who’s Drew to you?” Niccolò whispers when they are alone in the room.

Will blinks. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing,” Niccolò quickly retreats. “Was just wondering. So, is the saxophone Austin’s?”

Said saxophone is at the corner of the room, on a pile of books, shiny even if it has been used for many years. Will remembers Niccolò’s question a few moments later.

“Oh, yeah. It’s a gift from our father.” He grimaces. “I always thought I’d buy him another one when I became a doctor. I don’t like the thought of it being our father’s gift.”

“His birthday is on a week though, right?”

“Yeah. Next Wednesday, I’m going back to Texas on Thursday.”

“Oh, someone’s getting wasted then.”

Will throws him a sock, but Niccolò dodges it with a grin.

“I used to dodge bullets, you loser,” he says. “Before even having breakfast.”

Will narrows his eyes. That’s kind of a game of Nico’s, saying crazy shit about the army, and most of the time Will can’t guess whether he’s joking or serious. Even now. It sounds incredible, but he’s got that serious expression on his face.

“That’s true,” Will says.

Niccolò laughs, a sound Will misses even before it’s over. “Yeah, every day they woke up the Prince of their nation at dawn, so that they could shoot him.”

Will bites his tongue. “I knew that wasn’t true.”

“You still got it wrong. How much are we at? Fifteen for you, seventy-three for me?”

Will pulls him down on his bed, falling on Austin’s papers and schoolbooks. He hopes they aren’t too important.

“Get the stick out of your ass,” Will says, whacking him with the first textbook he finds. Niccolò has the audacity of laughing.

Someone clears their throat, and Will turns, only realizing he’s straddling Niccolò’s lap when he notices how red Kayla’s cheeks are.

“We have some coffee.” She shifts her weight from one foot to the other, looking everywhere but at Will. “I also took out the good cookies.”

“Oh, dear, this is a great occasion then,” Will says, getting off Niccolò. He stumbles, but doesn’t fall. “By the way, do we still have that stain of mold under the window?”

Kayla nods. “It actually has a child now.”

Will pouts. “It’s a manifestation. It’s because it missed me.”

“Are you comparing yourself to a stain of mold?” Niccolò asks, elongating his step to avoid a shoe abandoned in the middle of the floor. “That’s very unflattering but also very realistic of you.”

Kayla bursts out laughing, as Will grabs another pillows from the sofa and keeps on hitting Niccolò. Once again, he only laughs harder, and soon enough Will is, too.

“How’s being a prince like?” Drew asks Nico, as soon as they sit on the sofa.

“I thought you’d know with the way you put yourself on a throne,” Austin responds. She sends him a saccharine smile.

From what Will’s heard, she and Kayla haven’t changed all that much since they’ve gotten together. They just look at each other like the other has hung up the moon in the sky herself, and sometimes they hold hands.

“It’s not very exciting,” Niccolò says with a shrug. “I guess it’s like being famous, I just wear a crown sometimes.”

“And the cool, black military dress,” Will adds. He doesn’t add that Niccolò is extremely hot in that, and the thought alone makes him blush.

“It’s called a uniform, Fitzwilliam,” Niccolò says, tilting his head to the side. “You ever heard the word?”

Will blows him a kiss. Niccolò diverts his eyes, and Will counts it as a win.

“I guess you have lots of beautiful women around,” Drew adds, bringing the cup to her mouth. She grimaces at the taste. “Who wouldn’t want to be with a prince, after all?”

“Are you trying to seduce him?” Austin blurts out with a frown.

Drew pinches him in the leg, hard. “I’m making conversation, dear.”

“Don’t make conversation about his bedroom’s activity,” Austin hisses.

“Don’t be so fucking rude,” she responds.

“Alright!” Kayla exclaims, a blush deep on her cheeks, her grip on the cup a little desperate. “Why don’t you tell us more about your interests? Your hobbies?”

“By the way, talking about interests,” Drew jumps in again, this time looking at Will like a predator seeing its prey. “Remember Sherman?”

“No!” He exclaims. “Sherman who? Sherman… I don’t know any Sherman. Mh, no. You got the wrong Will, sweetheart.” He takes a long sip of coffee, only to sputter half of it back in the cup. “Who the hell didn’t put sugar in my coffee?”

“Me, because I’m not your fucking barista, you fucking rude animal,” Drew responds.

Austin sighs, leaning back in the armchair. He rubs his temples. “What even is this conversation.”

“I wouldn’t have given your number to Sherman if I’d known you’d be so rude about everything,” Drew continues, holding the cup as if it were a glass of wine.

Will spits his sip of coffee right on the table. He coughs, and Austin hits his back. Niccolò sends him a confused glance, but the rest of his face is completely blank. Will is pretty used by now to picking up his moods, by the sound of his voice and the crease of his brow. Niccolò still hides pretty much most of his emotions, but there’s an instant when he can’t, and the crease of his eyebrows betrays him. Now he’s skipped it, somehow. A pang of pain shoots through Will’s heart.

She turns to Niccolò. “He’s a friend of Will’s family’s son. Didn’t your grandma really like him, Will?”

“She didn’t,” Austin answers for him.

“Oh, I think you’re wrong,” Drew says, waving her hand in dismissal.

Kayla puts her hand on Drew’s on the cup holder. “Let’s have a word alone, mh?”

When they return from Kayla’s bedroom, Drew doesn’t add a thing about Sherman. She and Niccolò politely ignore each other, until he has to leave for the gala, or whatever he is attending.

 Niccolò leaves around seven pm. Will hugs him on the doorstep, and if his breath hitches a little, no one has the heart to point it out. Afterwards, Will stays on the cramped sofa with his siblings and Drew, somehow everyone is on someone else’s lap. They watch Golden Girls, and Drew makes an Instagram Story. She’s careful not to take Will’s face in, he’s been trying not to appear too much on her social media. When he does, people remember that he’s Prince Niccolò’s soulmate, and somehow it ends up on gossip sites. He isn’t ready to be under the spotlights again.

Eventually, Austin and Kayla drift off to sleep, and Drew speaks softly to him.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have butted in.”

“No, you shouldn’t have.” He plays with Austin’s hair as he talks, avoiding Drew’s eyes, and everything he might see in them. “I never really told you what happened on our last day together, did I?”

“You haven’t told anyone, no.”

Will finally looks up, and Drew is already looking at him. “I don’t even know how to say it. We talked about… well, everything. He told me he couldn’t be with me, it wouldn’t be fair to either of us, we’d have to sneak around, hiding behind everyone’s back. He’d have to get married to a nice girl someday, anyway.”

“But he loved you.”

Tears burn in the back of Will’s eyes. “He said he knew he was already falling for me.”

“God. That’s awful.”

“Yeah.” He takes a deep breath, deep enough for his lungs to hurt. “We spent the night together.”

“You… like, sexually?”

He doesn’t respond. “And it was nice, the next day. Before we left the house. I thought that if I knew what it would be like to be with him, then eventually I’d be fine. I’d be satisfied with the night and half-day we’d had together.”

“But you aren’t.”

“I just want to go back there, to that day. Like, I wake up in the morning and I want to see him, what he’d be like with my grandma, if he’d be nice with her friends when they come over. You know the neighbor’s daughter? She has a son, now. He’s, like, four. He was learning to use his bike, and he fell, and then I saw his father going there, picking him up and everything. And I realized that I only once saw Niccolò with a kid, and it was in the middle of a packed road, but he was so nice with her, I mean he was talking in Italian, but she kept on giggling and everything.”

“You want kids with him?”

“I just realized that it has never been a possibility for us, and it hurt so fucking much I couldn’t breathe. I just–it’s so unfair. I wish he weren’t a prince and so famous, but then I realize that he is, and that’ a part of him.”

Drew looks down at her lap, playing with the hem of her shirt. “You always despised the thought of soulmates.”

“I know.”

“I was just saying. I was, I mean. I didn’t think you’d ever change your mind.”

“It was before getting to know him. He makes me all–he makes me feel like the world isn’t such a shitty place. And it shouldn’t even be possible, because he’s pessimistic and he pretty much says the world sucks. But he also wants to make it a better place.”

“Now I feel awful for how I treated him.”

Will laughs. “Yeah, the Sherman-thing was pretty shitty. By the way, I really don’t want his number.”

“I guessed.” She grimaces. “I haven’t actually given him yours.”

Will chuckles again.

 15th of July

Will rubs his eyes tiredly, still in his pajama, and almost jumps out of his skin when something attacks him.

“Happy birthday, Willie!” Jonathan screams.

Will smiles, taking Jonathan off the ground and throwing him in the air. A smile blooms on his face, so strong he almost forgets the pain in the back of his heart. Kayla, Austin, Valentina and Grace are standing next to his grandmother, with matching smiles on their faces. Will opens his arms, adjusting Jonathan on his hip, and they all come crushing against him.

“Drew, Mitchell and Piper are coming in the afternoon,” Valentina says. She’s fifteen, and she’s actually thinking of becoming a pediatrician. She lives in San Francisco with her mother, and spends a couple of weeks each summer with their family in Argentina. “Lacy couldn’t make it.”

“Thanks for being here,” Will says. “Y’all are looking good.”

Kayla giggles. “I almost forgot how Texan you get when you’re here.”

Will groans. “Gimme a break.”

Jonathan laughs, throwing his fists in the air. “Gimme!”

Will kisses the top of his head. He hears a shutter going off, and when he glances up he sees his grandmother with a camera in his hands. She has a huge grin on her face, and the flowery dress she wears only on special occasions.

“We’re opening the gifts when everyone comes here!” She says. “And now y’all go off to prepare the table, Willie and I got a talk to get through.”

Austin groans, which earns him a smack on the head by grandmother. She puts her hands on her hips, until only she and Will remain in the room. She stands on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek, and hooks her arm in his.

“Come see the geese. They’ve returned in the pool this morning,” she says.

Will grimaces. “Disgusting.”

“Shut up, boy.”

Outside the temperature is far too hot, the sun shines far too bright, but they walk to the garden in the back. There are no geese in the pool. Will turns to his grandmother, but she shushes him, and sits on the wooden bench, under the shadow of the apple tree. He sits beside her.

“Has something happened?” he asks.

His grandmother eyes the too long curls on his forehead. Will can feel them sticking to his damp skin. He brushes them away, but a second later they fall back.

“Your father sent you a gift,” she says. She takes a letter from her pocket, and passes it to him. “Do you want to read it alone?”

“Later. I’ll read it later.”

“Alright.”

 Every year Will’s family flies to Austin for his birthday, and they stay at his grandmother’s house for the summer. They spend the morning together, then in the afternoon Drew’s family reaches them. It’s the first year since his brothers’ death that Piper comes.

Will is in the pool with her when he feels it, a tugging from his shoulder, his soul mark pulsing. He lets his empty glass fall from his grip, his fingers going limp.

Niccolò is standing next to his grandmother, shaking Jonathan’s hand with a shy smile as Valentina watches the scene unfold with her jaw gone slack.

“Fancy seeing you here, you gremlin!” Piper exclaims, shaking Will from his trance.

His grandmother has a hand on Niccolò’s shoulder, and he’s still holding Jonathan’s, but Will can see the way he turns softer around every edge when his eyes meet Will’s, comfort falling onto him.

Will doesn’t even realize he’s climbed out of the pool, until he is in Niccolò’s arms, and his clothes are getting wet.

“Ooops,” Will says when they let go, and Niccolò’s clothes stick to his body.

“Go, Will!” Drew shouts from where she’s sunbathing in the sun. “You still got your sneaky techniques to get the boys naked!”

Niccolò blushes a deep red, but Will just flips Drew off. His grandmother smacks him on the head, but it’s worth it.

“Is this how we welcome guests, children?” she asks.

Jonathan, the traitor, shakes his head, tugging her dress. “I shook his hand! You saw?”

Grandmother pats him on the head, a smile stretches on her wrinkled face. “Finally someone educated in this household.” She turns back to Niccolò. “Take everything you need. If you can’t find something, just ask Will. He’s missed you, you know?” She caresses Niccolò’s cheek, which has him blushing a deep shade of red, and leaves to go back inside.

“I really did miss you,” Will whispers softly. He intertwines his fingers to Niccolò’s, and tugs him towards the others. “You ever met Piper’s siblings?”

Niccolò shakes his head, but Will is blinded by the light in his eyes, and almost misses it.

 They spend the night together, but this time they only stargaze, laying on the old deckchairs near the pool. Niccolò teaches him about constellations, and Will has lived in LA, his best friend is Drew, so he already knows. He doesn’t say, and just listens. If the smile on Niccolò’s face is anything to go by, he already knows.

 19th of August

Nico spends the weekend in Livigno with Hazel. Every corner of the house is Will, and his smile, and his laughs.

“Do you miss him?” She asks, as they watch the TV in the living room.

Nico doesn’t find it in himself to answer. He looks back down, at the speech he is holding in three days in front of an audience filled with important people he doesn’t even know the names of. Taylor Swift’s Christmas Tree Farm blasts from TV, and Hazel along under her breath. Nico should have built a blanket fort with Will.

 23rd of September

In New York, Will tells Nico that he wants to teach in kindergarten, and every time he talks about it his eyes shine, in a way they never did when he talked about medicine.

They sit on a bench in New York, and Nico asks Will a question he’s had on the tip of his tongue for some months now.

“Will you get your mark covered up?”

Will blinks, as though the question is a sudden thunder, and maybe it is. Nico continues eating his hotdog. It’s too spicy for him, his tongue burns, and so do his eyes. His heart is thundering in his chest, and he isn’t sure why. (That’s a lie. He knows.)

“I never thought about it. Not since I’ve known you.”

Nico’s shoulders relax. He sends Will a side smile, but there’s still a lump in his throat.

 6th of November

Nico talks to his therapist. She asks him how he feels about Will, why they haven’t been talking much lately. It’s easy to trust her with the truth after all these years. When he was younger, he’s learnt that telling her half-assed truths doesn’t help him. He doesn’t go every single week to her studio anymore, but sometimes he needs help processing how he feels.

“Guilty,” he says, after thinking about it for a while. “He’s stuck with me, and he hasn’t done anything to deserve it. He deserves a soulmate that can be with him.”

His therapist, Juniper, tilts her head to the side. “If you had the possibility, would you like to be with him romantically?”

She’s one of the first people he’s told about his sexuality. Actually, she had been with him for quite some time when Cupid ‘exposed’ him for the first time. It was a moment of deep bonding for them, she told him it explained many things about his behavior. It also sucked and gave him trauma on too many levels to count, but Nico is trying to see the positive side.

“I don’t have the possibility. Day-dreaming about it won’t help me.” Nico’s tone is cold, far too cold in the regards of such a question. Heat comes to his cheeks. He scratches his neck, even that feels warm. “Sorry, I–I think I would like it.”

“Maybe it would help you feel less guilty if you talked about it with him. I shouldn’t say my personal opinion, but he sounds like a very sweet guy. Someone you can have a real dialogue with.”

 9th of November

Will crushes Niccolò in a hug as soon as he sees him. Then, before he can reciprocate, he throws him back and flicks him on the forehead.

“Is this the way to behave?” He turns on his heels, hands on his hips, and walks right back in the apartment. He talks again only after the door is shut behind Niccolò. “You fucking ghosted me!” He sits on the sofa, it creaks dangerously, but it holds on. “You can just tell me when I’m too much, or, I don’t know, if I…when I annoy you.”

Niccolò’s hand is on Will’s shoulder, and then he’s the one being crushed in a hug. He holds onto Niccolò’s shirt, inhaling his perfume. He ignores the tears in his eyes. Will finds himself caged on the couch by Niccolò’s knees on either side of him. Eventually, they find themselves with their foreheads against one another’s. They haven’t been so close since Christmas.

“I don’t know how much longer I can keep on doing this,” Niccolò says, his words daggers in Will’s heart.

“I know. I know, it hurts me too.” Will sniffled. Niccolò’s hair are dark and soft, and he presses a kiss on his head. Niccolò is tall, but now he feels so small in his arms. “It hurt more when I didn’t have you anymore.”

“I know. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

 23rd of December

The door opens, and Will is there, in the middle of his grandmother’s house, with his siblings scattered around him. Lidia, Will’s grandmother, hugs Nico, thanking him for coming, and saying words he can’t pay attention to, because his gaze is on Will, who’s looking back at him, and his heart skips a million beats.

Nico has brought Jason, Leo and Piper with him. Drew is already here, with Kayla’s head on her lap, and Jonathan talking her ear off about the gift he’s asked. Jason deposits their gifts under the tree (Nico has asked Austin what to bring to each of them, he didn’t want to be unprepared).

 24th of December

Will finds Niccolò in the garden. The moon has been high in the sky for the past few hours, but the air is still warm. Will sits with him in the grass, linking their fingers.

“Can you believe it’s already a year?”

Niccolò smiles. “Next year we could fly to Livigno, if you wanted to. Bring everyone there. Do your siblings have passports?”

A smile grows on Will’s face, and he doesn’t even try to stop it. “Would you really do that?”

“If they are okay with having me for Christmas again.” He clears his throat, as he always does before starting a rant coming from his self-deprecation. “I’d leave you the house if you wanted to, without me. It’s not a problem, of course, we could–”

Will puts a hand on his mouth, stopping him. “But next year you should bring Hazel, too.”

Nico takes the hand off, holding on to his wrist even afterwards, although he’s also trying to maintain a frown on his face. “Would you like that?”

“We’ve been calling each other since Halloween.”

“Halloween?”

“Yeah. We saw each other, she was in New York with Annabeth and the others.” Will shakes Niccolò’s fingers off his wrist, to intertwine their fingers. “Didn’t she tell you?”

“Yeah, yeah, she did.” There’s a deep blush on Niccolò’s face, and he shouldn’t like it so much. “You also sent me a selfie with her.”

“She gets along a lot with Austin. A bit less with Drew, for some reason.”

“Some reason?”

Will lets his head fall on Niccolò’s shoulder, something he wouldn’t do normally, but it’s almost Christmas. He can have this on Christmas. “Drew can be a bit hard around the edges. As sharp as her eyeliner.”

“She hates me. Hated, whatever. Now she just looks at me strangely. Suspiciously.”

“We used to date. For a couple of years, but then–it was back when we lived in LA with my parents, we were neighbors. I really did think we’d last forever.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. After my brothers died, I moved here with my grandparents. I was shitty to Drew, I dealt really badly with grief. I talked with my parents only once since. You can ask me how my brothers died, if you want to.”

Niccolò hesitates, just a second, then his hand squeezes Will’s, and he talks. “How did they die?”

“Overdose, the both of them. Lee first. He was at a party with my father, but dad left him alone, and he overdid it. Michael a couple of months later. He and Lee were really close, and he–he did die of overdose, but he did it on purpose.”

“And your mom?”

“I’m her only child. We just don’t have a relationship. I don’t even hate her. I don’t know her enough for that.”

Will tries to smile. Nico wraps his arms around him, and Will hides his head in the crook of his neck.

 27th of June

They talk over the phone every day, and Will calls Nico every night before going to sleep.

“I miss you,” Will says, and his voice is husky, a bit raspy, but his tone is soft.

I miss you, too. These days, I miss you so much I forget I do, and think the longing in my chest has always been there. “I know. Drew told me you’ve been turning that friend of yours down.”

Nico can imagine the frown on Will’s face. “Drew should mind her own business.”

“Why do you turn him down?”

“I’m not interested in him.”

Hearing these words shouldn’t make Nico so happy. They’re trying to move on, the both of them. If Nico doesn’t, nothing changes. He will still marry some girl, maybe be friends with her, have a child together, and die as king. If Will doesn’t, he will be lonely for the rest of his life.

“It might help, though. I–I assume the reason you’re turning him down. Don’t wait for me, Will.”

Will sniffles, and Nico closes his eyes. He closes them so hard his head starts hurting. He almost doesn’t breathe, so Will can’t hear how broken it is. He is.

“You shouldn’t be stuck with me,” Nico says. His words are spoken quietly, so much it’s a wonder how Will hears him. “I’m sorry.”

Will’s sniffles become louder. “I’m not stuck with you. How can you say that, when you make me feel free?”

Nico shuts his eyes tighter. He opens them again. There’s a photo of him with Bianca on the wall in front of them, one of the few he keeps around. He and Bianca are sitting at their table in their house in Venice, with pencils scattered around, as they draw with passion. Nico can’t remember what he was drawing, in the photo he is covering his paper with his whole body, as he leans forward to watch Bianca’s drawing.

 29th of June

Niccolò is at the front door of Will’s apartment.

“I wanted to check in on you,” is all he offers as an explanation.

 17th of December

“Oh, we broke up,” is all Will offers as an explanation, when he and his family land in Milan, a car waiting for them to bring them to Livigno, and his boyfriend of a couple of months isn’t with them.

Niccolò nods with a tight smile, but worry is clear in his eyes. Does he feel like Will is some kind of burden? Is that what it is about? Will turns away, taking his grandmother’s luggage.

Reyna and Hazel are waiting for them at the house. Will has never met Reyna before, she has never been able to come with Niccolò when he visits. She warms up to him quicker than he thought she would, saying Niccolò has talked plenty about him, and it makes Will’s heart flutter in a way it shouldn’t. His soul-mark pulses every second they are in the same room, yet not touching or at least close. Will uses it as an excuse to hang off of Niccolò’s arm for the rest of the night.

“And there, Lidia,” Niccolò says as he and Will show him the house. “Is where Will punched my cousin Percy in the face, thinking he was a burglar.”

Will blushes. His grandmother’s laugh echoes through the house, and Niccolò looks smug and proud. For a moment or two, Will can’t breathe. He belongs here, and Niccolò belongs with him, too. His eyes sting, and he looks away.

 30th of June

Will visits Nico in Rome, in Italy. They travel by bike, and they are on a bridge over the Tevere, whose name Will can’t pronounce, but it’s close to San Pietro. It’s filled with people, and Will is looking at a little girl braiding her friend’s hair, one has red hair, the other is a brunette. When he looks forward again, Nico is some meters away, with the sun kissing his face so well, and his hair getting longer, almost enough to be kept in a ponytail. He smiles, and laughs at something a man says in Italian. He laughs, and over every other noise, it reaches Will.

He curses loudly, falling to the ground, but falling even harder for Niccolò, and now he knows.

He’s in love. Also, he has scraped his knees and a strange bruise with the shape of an almond appears on his cheek the next day.

He’s in love, and he’s been for a very long time, maybe even years.

 25th of December

“I keep thinking of our first Christmas together,” Niccolò says.

Hazel’s laugh reaches them from the living room. They are even more this year. Hazel, Reyna, Frank, Piper and her siblings, Jason, Leo, Percy and his family, Annabeth and Will’s family. Earlier, they even had a video-call with Apollo. He’s trying. They’re all trying.

Will still hasn’t decided what to reply, when Niccolò shakes his head and takes a step back.

“I can’t do this anymore,” he says. “I can’t stand it.”

Will’s eyes widen. His hands shake, the glass of water he had been filling falls in the sink, cracking. The house is filled with loud people, there are a million other sounds, but it’s as loud as a bomb in the kitchen. “What–what do you mean?”

He heard his father saying that to his mother, a long time ago, and the next day he moved out. They separated, asked for the divorce, and now they don’t talk anymore. Will can’t let that happen. He can’t.

He surges forward, and kisses Niccolò square on the mouth. They haven’t done anything like that in a very long time, since that first Christmas together three years ago, when they were barely more than children. Even now, they aren’t all that grown.

Nico relaxes against him. He kisses back. Through the years, Will has always thought that yes, maybe Nico could be interested in him that way, but that they would never be able to do something like this again. That if Will kissed him, Nico would tell him they couldn’t, and step back.

Nico doesn’t step back. They have to break apart somehow, sometime later, but they don’t look away. Nico’s eyes are so, so dark. Will is so, so in love.

“That I can’t do anymore,” he says. His voice is warm, all kinds of soft, and he leaves a trail of pecks on Will’s cheeks, probably one for every freckle. “This I want to do forever.”

 27th of December

It’s all over the news when Nico travels back with Will to America. It’s all over the news, that he’s decided to step away from the crown, and Hazel is now Crown Princess. They have talked about it, and it was her who convinced Nico that she was okay with it, it was something she wanted to do. She also said that she noticed Nico wasn’t happy, hadn’t been for a long time, and that his eyes always wondered to faraway places, even when they were together.

“If being with him makes you happy, and being here and having the crown on your head doesn’t, then I want you to do it.”

During the flight, Nico’s hand stays on Will’s, his thumb stroking with such tender movements over Will’s knuckles, it hurts a bit. They go back to Will’s apartment. Nico is going to look for one of his own, not too far, even though he still has his grandfather’s money if not the Crown’s, so he could buy a whole condo in Manhattan. He wants to be close to Will, close enough to never have to miss him again.

When they are in their pajamas, Austin and Kayla in their rooms, Nico presses a kiss to Will’s forehead, their sides flush together, their feet on the coffee table. There’s a show on the TV, and Nico should thank the director. If not for the plot, since he hasn’t followed it half-enough to know what it talks about, for the way the lights from the TV kisses Will’s face.

“I missed you, too,” Nico says softly. “All those years. I never said it, but I did, too.”

Will lets his head fall on Nico’s shoulder, and takes Nico’s hand to hold it on his lap. He looks up at Nico, through a thick layer of eyelashes, and he smiles. A little smile, because it may take a while for them to be completely okay, but they have all the time in the world now.

“I know,” is all he says.

[nctzendreamz]

Crazy, Rich, and They Hate Me :: Finale

Jaehyun finally takes you home, but he forgets to mention that his family is the richest in South Korea.

Part One  Part Two  Part Three  Part Four  Part Five  

Part Six  Part Seven  Part Eight  Part Nine

Jaehyun x Reader ft. NCT

Genre: Angst/ Fluff

You and Jasmine had ran to eachother for a lot of things. Boy problems, girl problems, health problems, money problems; any problem. But as you stood infront of her door, the audio of the doorbell making your ears ring even worse. You didn’t want to be here.

This had to have hit too close to home, right? I mean, during your whole friendship it was a running joke that the two of you were the complete opposite, when in reality you were more alike than either of you had wanted.

You knew if you just pulled up, sad attempt to confess what just happened, you wouldn’t be able to open your mouth. You were guaranteed to make up some lie about how his mom officially forbade you to be in a relationship with Jaehyun, so you told her the whole story as you walked to this destination.

Before an hour ago, you felt so pretty. Usually you hated red, but that way Jaehyun’s eyes just couldn’t leave your body made you feel a confidence you hadn’t felt in too long looking so dressed up. You hated him now. You knew it wasn’t his fault. But you did. You never wanted to see him again.

A now familiar sight to you, the door slid open, but the Jasmine you had known all your life wasn’t behind the door. There was nothing but pure sympathy in her eyes, and she opened the door at a slow place. She clearly didn’t know exactly how to react, not that she was supposed to.

“I’m so sorry.” Her voice trembled.

Tears were the only source of communication you could give her.

“I’ve been gone a month, Jangmi. A month!” Minjun screamed, clearly fuming as he paced back and forth around their eerily empty mansion.

Jaehyun hadn’t had such a moment since he was a child. No one in sight except the three of them. No workers running around, ready to do whatever they asked. Not even the smell of dinner from his grandma could be scented. And his dad being here? This couldn’t be real.

“What is that supposed to mean?” His mother argued, staying seated on her velvet loveseat. Her and her son both silently agreed that they couldn’t be near eachother right now. She was on one side of the seat, while Jaehyun had completely rose when she arrived to the scene, unable to look her in the eye.

“I told you that Jaehyun was serious about that girl, didn’t I?”

“Was I supposed to take you seriously? Hm?” She protested loudly, her voice raising in volume with each word. “Why are you yelling at me when you should be yelling at your son!”

“My son?” He scoffed. “You mean our son.”

“You know what I meant.”

“Our son found a woman that he loves. What’s the problem?”

“Did you not just hear what I told you?” She accused. “Her life will completely ruin our reputation. Every single thing the world thinks our son is, will crumble as if it was never there. Why can’t you see that!”

Jaehyun was trying his best to keep up with the heated discussion that echoed through his childhood home. But the only thing at the forefront of his mind was you. A nervous habit he had formed after falling in love with you; his body rocked back and forth, and his fingers couldn’t remove themselves from the grip of his teeth as he thought about all the terrible things that could’ve happened to you in the last hour.

He had never hated himself until today. Why did he bring you here? He should’ve just kept you a secret. He should’ve flew for the festivities, and came back to you tomorrow morning, where your life would still be intact. Your self-esteem would be at its normal level, where all he had to worry about were things that he could fix with his kisses and sweet nothings.

His bloody hands had been wrapped all alone, although in any other situation, his mother would’ve taken care of it. They probably would’ve joked around about his bruises, or something similar. That was the mother he knew. This vile, angry beast that he watched approach his father with sharp fingers wasn’t who he loved.

He didn’t want to be here anymore. Even in the bask of his fathers glory who was clearly fighting for him, couldn’t make him want to be here. His life was over, and not because of your news. It was because he knew; he fucking knew clearer than ever now that he had lost you for good. And it was his fault. All those times he tried to be the good guy, not trying to start any conflict. For the sake of you, and him, and your serenity, but it was doing nothing.

He let this happen, and now he had to pay the price.

He stood up abruptly, the both of his parents stopping their arguing to stare at him. He looked broken. He didn’t need a mirror to see that. He felt it. He felt too many things right now. If he didn’t go into his room right now, he didn’t know what was going to happen.

“Where do you think you’re going!” His mother spat. How bold of her. If anything, she should be begging for his forgiveness, but she couldn’t even stuff her pride.

“Jangmi, let him deal with everything that just happened. Let him breathe.”

“No. He needs to hear what we’re going through simply because of him. You came home expecting good news, but now we’re broken.”

Jaehyun continued to take gentle steps forward, remembering your own techniques for calming down. He never thought things like this worked, and he was correct in this theory.

“Your mother is—

“Mom! I am angry at you! More than angry!” He yelled suddenly, shaking the house. The minute he had to use his diaphragm, the burning of his nose took it as a signal to let the liquid drip from his eyes. “Do you not realize what the fuck you just did to me? Are you really that blind? You ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I let you.” He trailed, looking at his higher power in embarrassment. “I let you.” He giggled through his tears now, looking nothing less of a psychopath. “You, the cousins, Yuna, grandma, everyone here. I let you guys trick me into believing you could be saved. I watched you destroy everything she had going for her when she came here, and I let you.”

“Son...” his father attempted to approach him, but Jaehyun snapped his shoulder away, making him flinch at once.

He wanted to say so many more things. Things that he didn’t mean, just so his mother could feel the hurt that was making his body pulse. But he decided to keep walking, knowing he wouldn’t be stopped this time.

Days had passed, and your phone had been off for the same amount of time. You wanted no parts in seeing any pictures of you and him. You didn’t want to see all of his apologies. You wanted to go home.

“Y/N, you need to eat.” Jasmine would say everyday. Even Heechul, who always had a snarky comment was being extra sweet to you, making you little pastries that were said to soothe you.

You’d always eat just enough to protect yourself from any true damage you could do to your body. You would always feel as if you had to throw up, but it would never actually happen. You knew it was all in your head.

The silk sheets that rested on your body were so uncomfortable right now; more proof that this life wasn’t for you. They were making you so hot.

“Y/N.” Jasmine’s soothing voice whispered into the large space of her many spare bedrooms, one you had happened to choose. You expected her at this time, with a tray of your favorite snacks. But when she appeared infront of you, she was empty handed. “We need to talk.”

You couldn’t deprive her of that. Neither of you had spoken about what you learned, and you truly believed it was because neither of you knew how to approach it. You weren’t ashamed of being adopted, and you hoped she knew that. Your lack of eating, and showering, and good hygiene in general wasnt because your true parents. It was because you knew you and Jaehyun were officially done. And you knew you were probably going to ruin his life, as his mother was just too spiteful. She would probably get the information out just because he was surely fighting your love; even through all of this drama.

Just to make him look bad, she’d do it.

“Do you have any questions?” She questioned awkwardly, fiddling with the rings she never took off. A gift from her new family, she explained.

“No.” Was all you could say, unable to look her in the eye.

“I hope you’re not ashamed. Or see yourself as less than because of what you know. You still have great parent—

“Jas.” You whispered in a purely sincere tone as your eyes filled to the brim with tears, “do you think I looked at you differently because you’re adopted?”

“I just—I know it’s not ideal. And I didn’t come from good parents and I just—“ Her voice cracked, and for the first time in your life, you were watching her cry. Her fighting spirit had her refusing to be in your arms, but you didn’t listen to her silent wishes. You snatched her up just as she had when you were on her doorstep about to have a mental breakdown.

“I have never looked down on you. To be exact, I’ve always looked up to you. I know you had your demons, and things that upset you, but you were always positive. I always wondered how you could be like that. How you could be so damn strong even though you had every right to be pissed off at the world.” You kissed her forehead, hating the way you were mimicking Jaehyun’s every move right now. “I love you, Jas. And so does your family. I hate that you met them later than you wanted, but what do I always say?”

“That everything happens for a reason.” She choked out.

“Exactly.” You took a deep swallow, knowing that was slogan but wanting it to be un-true in your case. You didn’t want this to be what fate wanted. You wanted there to be mistake in that foreign world. A mishap. But as you continued to dwell on your thoughts, you didn’t have positive feelings on it. No optimism.

You woke up the next morning with Jasmine in your bed, her tears still stained on the pillow beside you. Today was your last day before you had to take your flight, but you couldn’t just leave.

You turned your phone on, knowing it had a chance of practically blowing up from all the texts you knew you recieved. They were all from him. Every single one.

Twelve missed calls. A no exaggeration—twenty separate text messages from him. They started off so concerned, begging you to answer the phone. He was explaining that he just needed to hear you voice to make sure it was actually you responding to him.

As you continued to read, he told you that his father was here, and that he finally told his mom off. He confessed that even so, he felt no better, because he was weak. He didn’t say everything he wanted to say, and he wanted to go back in time to say everything over, better.

He then went on to tell you how much he loved you. He seemed to be arguing with himself, as he kept mentioning that he wasn’t enough. That it was he who didn’t deserve you, and he hated how terrible he was with words. He was trying to fit all of his love for you in a text message, and believed he was failing.

Even as the days skipped, he updated you about his day. He said he wouldn’t eat until he wanted to, which was never. His apologies were never ending, and your heart was close to its end.

He told you he was crying, and couldn’t stop. He told you that he cried so much that he had thrown up, but that he needed it. That it made him feel better for all you had gone through for absolutely no reason.

You couldn’t read any longer, feeling sick to your stomach as you knew he was telling the truth. A man didn’t do all of this for a woman he didn’t love. At least, not a man like Jung Jaehyun.

But love didn’t matter anymore.

You texted her, setting a time and place. She argued, saying that it would be best if you just came to the house.

Unlike every other time you were at the Jung residence, you weren’t dressed up today. Even with the preaching you planned to do in just a few moments, you couldn’t help but to feel so insecure. So less than.

“Y/N.” Was all she said when she let you in. “As you can see, he’s not here. I wasn’t lying.”

“I didn’t think you were.” You whispered, looking at your toes.

She didn’t look good. Now more than ever could you see the resemblance between the two of them. His dimple always shined at you when he was happy, but the exact same one was now moped out, cause being because she had her lips sucked in. It was the kind of expression one wore when they didn’t know what to say.

“So, what did you have to say to me?”

“You know I love Jaehyun, right?”

She was quick to answer. “Yes.” You knew she wasn’t going to miss a beat just yet.

“Do you think Jaehyun loves me?”

“Yes.”

“Then why did you fight it so hard? Why wasn’t love enough for you?” Your tone was surprising gentle considering the words you were speaking. You preyed around her home, eyeing all of the artwork you never got to admire because you were always being bullied when you came here. Their family portrait actually read them to be great people.

“Because love isn’t enough. Do you know how many people in the world love eachother? If we married just for love, the world we be in a deeper hell.”

“So you don’t love Mr. Jung?”

“I got lucky.” Her voice waivered. You couldn’t see her facial expression. You didn’t want to look at her just yet.

“Lucky how?”

“Me and Minjun were soulmates who happened to come across eachother. We had love and the resources.”

“So you’re saying that if you didn’t have the resources, you shouldn’t have been able to marry the man you love?”

Her trailing of your moves stopped, as she could finally understand your game. She obviously didn’t like it. “Say what you want to say or get out of my house.”

You turned around from the splash art you were observing deeply, staring straight into her cold eyes. If you didn’t know any better, you’d assume she had no soul. But you knew that wasn’t the case. She just didn’t like you.

“This will be the last time you see me.” You confessed, and you saw the way joy sparkled in her eyes. It hurt, even though you should’ve seen it coming. “And I know even right now you’re planning my departure, and trying to figure out who should really be Jaehyun’s bride. Who actually deserves him. Your choice. But never forget, that it was me, a poor girl from Los Angeles that is the reason that you will get your son back.”

She seemed shocked at your strong words. She clearly thought this was a bold claim from the way her eyebrows connected immediately, scoffing in offense.

“You can say what you want about me. And you can say what you want about our relationship, but your son is in love with me. And I know that eats you up inside, but read my lips when I say that we were in love. And we made eachother happy. I will always love him.” Your voice cracked, but you quickly sniffed to pull it together. “So ten years from now when you have little grandchildren running around, making everyone in the house laugh, but Jaehyun’s sitting in the corner and you just can’t seem to understand why he looks so unhappy, know it’s because he’s thinking about me, and about how this could’ve been us if only; you didn’t make me leave.”

“You watch—

“I’m giving you what you want. So I hope your happiness continues to override his own. And I hope that whoever he does marry doesn’t have to go through half the hell I did.”

And with that, you left. Even with her yelling after you. Even when you wanted to badly to turn around, and run upstairs, because you knew he was listening. You knew he heard every word, and would probably go to cry again. But you had to. They got what they wanted. And now you had to sleep. You had a flight in the morning.

You forgot how hot the California sun could be. Especially on a day like this, where you were already in such a horrible mood, nothing felt right. At the same time though, it felt so good to be home. Even though you had only been here for a measly three days, it was so refreshing to not get weird stares and judge mental looks from people who didn’t even know you.

The streets were busy as always, people walking across the road to get to other shopping centers, but your focus was on the familiar diner that now brought you horrible memories.

God, you remember how excited you were when he told you about Johnny’s wedding. It had never even crossed your mind that it would be the last time you saw him, and the last time you would ever call him your boyfriend.

“Y/N! How was the trip!” The owner yelled in an enthusiastic tone, clearly missing your buisness.

“Good.” You responded simply, sitting down at your usual booth.

“Just good? And in that tone? Who died?”

“My relationship.” You chuckled sadly, feeling it all rush back to you at once. All the memories of you two wouldn’t go away.

“Don’t tell me...”

“Yeah.”

You hated that you sounded like this right now. This was exactly how you behaved before you met Jaehyun, and he made you bloom into this so-called beautiful human being. You always shut down.

You couldn’t see what the older man was doing. Out of your peripheral, you could see him whispering to the cook in the back through the tiny window they used to communicate.

Jaehyun hadn’t texted or called since your conversation with his mother. Maybe he hated you too. Everytime your phone would ring, or vibrate, you would rush to it praying it was him. You were so broken. All it would take is one more text, and he could have you back.

Gusto—the owner of your favorite eating place, sat across from you now. He had your favorite milkshake in one hand, and an abundance of fries in the other.

“Thought you might’ve wanted this.”

“Thank you.” You laughed, trying your best to be happy. Or at least look it.

“Listen to me doll,” his hand reached for your chin, lifting it up from its grip on the food. “I don’t know exactly what happened, but I do know that you are a very strong girl. You know, your dad was just like this. When him and your mom would get into it, he’d come in here.”

“Did he really?” You sniffled, being reminded about the problems you had to deal with now. You were still trying to figure out a way to approach your mom about it.

“Yeah. And he would get this exact milkshake too.”

As it had been for the last few minutes, the bell connected to the door rung; indicating someone had swung it open. Probably some teenagers who had just came from the rink.

You put the straw to your lips, knowing that the taste of Oreo mixed in with chocolate would soothe your scrambled mind even if it was for a few. It didn’t feel the same now that Jaehyun wasn’t sharing it with you, but it was still so delicious. You hadn’t even realized that Gusto had risen from his position in front of you.

Your breathing unconsciously got deeper and deeper, trying to take in all the familiar smells of LA. One deep breath, and your heart stopped. You choked on the cookie that was so close to going down your throat.

It was him. He was here.

“Jaehyun—I—

“I know you have a million things you want to say to me.” He whispered. His hair was its usual messy nature, and he was no longer in a polo, or suit as he had been during your whole trip. His grey sweats made your heart beat for a few seconds at a fast pace, but his eyes finished the job.

They weren’t swollen. If you didn’t know any better, you would even say he was happy right now. His eyes were filled with sincerity as his scent hugged you all around.

“Usually people say that when they met their soulmate, they had no idea that they’d love them as much as they did.” He began, taking your hand into his own. “But when I met you, I swear I knew. I called Johnny and told him I had met my wife. He laughed, but I knew it was true. I knew you were the one, Y/N.”

Neither of you could notice, but the crowd began to form, clearly seeing something coming that you couldn’t.

“And still, right now, I look at you and know you’re the one. No matter what anyone says. No matter who tries to stop me from getting what I want, it’ll never happen.” He sighed, reaching for his back pocket and slowly skimping down to one knee.

“Jae...” you trailed off, emotions trying to come out from your eyelids.

“Let me finish.” His voice was wavering, a clear indication that he was incredibly nervous. “I love you, baby. Every damn thing about you, I love. I love how much you love to stay at home, doing absolutely nothing. I love how strong you are, even when you don’t have to be. When every damn thing in the world is trying to get in your way, you kick it down, and I admire you. I can’t even properly get my words out because their aren’t enough words to describe you. Hell, I even love the excessive amount of ketchup you put on your fries. All of that makes you, and I want it for the rest of my life.” His hand was shaking now, but he still managed to open the box, revealing the ring that was seemingly forbidden in his family. His grandmas ring was standing right infront of you.

“Oh my goodness.” Was all you could breathe out, clutching your chest for support.

“Please, make me the happiest man in the world, Y/N. Let me show the whole world who I love. Marry me. I can’t live without you and I know you love me just as much. Please.”

The hell you went through was trying to replay through your mind like your favorite song, but you had to block it. It didn’t deserve to win in such a moment, and all your focus was on your boyfriend. The man who you would die for.

“Yes. How could I say no?” You choked out, letting him place the ring in your finger as you bounced around like a child, immediately jumping into his arms as he held you tighter than he had ever held you in your whole relationship. His face nuzzled into the crevice of your neck, and even in this crowd of people, you couldn’t save it. You had to kiss him.

“I love you, Y/N.” He whispered as you two embraced once more. “And I meant it when I said I always will. No matter what.”

“No matter what.” You cooed with a head tilt, pressing a teary kiss to his plump lips once again.

This was fate. This was how your story was going to end. It may have hurt like hell to get here, but you were going to marry the love of your life, and you didn’t care what anyone thought about it. Neither did he.

A/N: Wowwwww it’s crazy how long this series has been going on. I am so appreciative of the love y’all gave this, and I am truly sad to see it go. I know you guys probably hated this as the final part, but I plan to do an epilogue soon and also a surprise conversation between two people that I think you guys would enjoy. Thank you so much and I can’t wait for you guys to see the things I have planned next.

[happys-crazy-queen22]

Title: Messed Up Family

Gif credit @pantherclawz

Happy Reading Dollies.

Taglist: @ilovetaquitosmmmm. @jesseswartzwelder. @nocturnalherb16. @twistnet. @baylishh @myangelreyes. @leaalfred

"Leticia Cruz, what the hell are you doing here and who's that"?  You asked pointing to the rig she just jumped out of. 

"Oh, I'll be right back". She said but you quickly grabbed her shoulder. "Hell no". You growled. "Get in the house now". "Go". 

"Hey, tell that little bitch to come back she owns me". The trucker yelled through the window. 

You climbed up on the trucks door starring at the guy. "That little bitch is a minor so if you don't want me to call the cops I suggest getting the fuck out of here and if I catch you sniffing around young girls again I will cut your dick off and probe you with a hot metal poker then I'm going to send you to the Mayans, they'll love you". "Got it"? 

He frantically nodded, putting his truck in gear. You stepped off and wave, throwing up your middle finger as his side mirror came in view. 

"Young Cruz what are you doing here, your moms gonna be mad". You said taking a soda out of the refrigerator, handing it to her. 

"She's not my mom, she's my grandma". "Can you believe that shit"? She scoffed. 

"Wow, that's big". You rolled your eyes.

"Johnny's my dad, I can't deal with that".  Leti sighed taking a seat beside you. 

"Would it be so bad to have him as a dad"?

"He lied, I thought he was my brother".

"To protect you okay, he lied to protect you so you need to chill little girl".

"How are you so calm"?

She eyed you but you didn't say anything.

"You knew, didn't you"?

"Are you my mom"? She bit her lip waiting.

"Yes and no".

"What"?

"I knew and I went along with it because Johnny wanted that". "I knew your mom you are better off without her". "So you need to calm down okay". 

"Shit". 

"Does he know you're here"? 

"No and you better not call him, I just need some time". 

"Okay". You said looking at the clock on the wall, then you pulled out your phone. 

"What are you doing"? Leti asked grabbing at the phone, you moved your arm out of her reach. 

"You wanted time, I gave you some now you need to call him". 

"No". She huffed, crossing her arms. 

"Fine". You said pressing numbers on the phone calling Johnny. 

"Yeah"? He answered. 

"Don't yeah me boy, your daughters here and she's pissed". 

"Thank god, I saw here get into a big rig and go off". "I thought the worst". 

"Oh, I interrupted the worst of it, so you need to get here and do something". 

"I'm on my way, keep her there". 

"Yeah". You told him, hanging up. 

"What he say"?

"For you to hangout and he'll be here later on".  "So you want lunch"?

"Sure, I could eat". She shrugged her shoulders and walked into the house with you behind her. You fixed you two some sandwiches and lemonade. Just sat there talking and eating until you heard bikes pull into your drive way.

"Stay here, I'll talk to him". You patted her back and walked to the front door.

"You lost"? You say serious than let out a chuckle as Coco tilted his head looking confused.

"We need to talk. You three there's food on the table help yourselves". You say to the three bikers named Riz, Gilly and Tranq.

"She okay"? Coco asked pulling out a cigarette and lighting it up.

"Yeah, she just feels betrayed and lied to. That's all".

"I get that. I was just trying to protect her".

"She knows that but momma Cruz is the problem". You look at Coco with worry.

"What she do"?

"She's hurting Leti. I saw the bruises. She's bad mouthing you to her. Saying you're the one that drove her mother away and then deserted them. You got yourself locked up because you didn't want a kid".

"That's not true. I wanted Leti to go to a good home, where someone could take better care of her than I could. She could have a better life than what she has now if it wasnt for my mother. She wanted to keep Leti all to herself so she can have a second chance at raising a good kid. Look how that turned out. Leti's fucked up just like I am".

"Well she's sixteen, you can try to change some damage your mother did to her. You need to get her out of that house".

"Where's she going to go? She cant live with me".

"Right, I forgot. You're so fucking paranoid that you can't have someone stay with you because in the middle of the night you might blow their fucking head off".

"That happened one time and it was because of the war".

"You were higher than a kite. You smoked so much pcp that night that you thought I was there to still your mac n cheese and threatened me with a m4. So yeah blame it on the war". Looking at Coco you couldnt keep a straight face, you both laughed.

"I'm sorry about that. I just can't have that happen with Leti".

"Then don't do drugs".

"Are you sure you know me? Cause I really don't think you do".

"Alright, she can stay with me. I need help with the farm anyways. Put her to good use and maybe get rid of that mamma Cruz attitude and find Leti in there".

"Thanks. I'll help out when I can. I'll buy food and shit for her so it won't be to much on you".

"Thanks. See you're not a dead beat dad". You say wrapping your arm around Coco and walking back into the house. Leti and the guys were laughing and talking when you walked in.

"So"? Leti asked.

"You don't have to go back but you can't keep running away. So you're going to stay with Y/N for awhile". Coco told her.

"Why, cant I stay with you"?

"That's a long story, which will be told to you when we have a long day to ourselves, it will be raining outside and we will have a nice cup of hot Coco to drink". You say, Coco shook his head. Leti nodded.

"But cant we keep hot and Coco out of the same sentence. It's weird". Leti asked. Everyone laughed at the tribe daughter.

"Okay".

"Thanks for letting me stay here and taking me in. I wont be a bother".

"You're welcome. You'll have chores and you keep up with school, even if you want to homeschool. We can do that but you have to follow the rules".

"Rules"?

"Oh honey. There will be a shit ton of rules. Like rule one- never get in a truck, car, van or SUV with a man you don't know. That is a cause for kidnapping and sex trafficking. Second- if you run off again, I'll tie you to a tree out back in the woods and let the wolves get you".

"Okay. It wont happen again. I promise". Leti nodded her head quickly.

"Good. There will be more rules, once I have thought of them. I can and probably will change them at any time that I seem fit. You will also have a curfew and you aren't allowed to go anywhere unless Coco, one of the guys or I am present with you".

"Fine. Seems fair".

"Good. Coco you have anything to add"?

"No boys, drugs, alcohol, sex, tattoos, piercings or inappropriate clothing. No looking at boys no touching or writing calling or texting".

"Do you want me to send her to be a nun? That would seem easier".

"I just want her safe and not become a teen mom. I don't want her making the same mistakes I did. But she was the only good thing that came out of that. Just don't go having a kid right now. I'm to young to be a grandpapa".

"I'm pretty sure you're safe on that one Coco". Leti snickered.

"Good. Glad we got that settled".

"Great. So do you want to help her get her stuff"?

"Yeah, the boys and I will get it so you don't have to worry about mom".

"Thanks Coco".

"No problem kid". Coco turned to you. "Thanks for everything".

"It's no problem. That's what family's for".

"We are one fucked up family". He said as he went out the door. You watched as they pulled out of the driveway. Leti and you went to make up her room before the guys came back. It wasnt ideal for Leti to stay but she was just happy to have a safe and peaceful place to lay her head at night. You and Coco were glad she was okay and safe.

[floosies]

Series: La Muneca del Barrio

A/N: I’m not sure how many chapters this series is going to have but I hope it’s not overkill.

Warnings: Blood, violence, smut, strong language, and drug use

Rocio Cruz lives in a Brooklyn block best known for its vibrant and ignored community. What she always ignored though was the underground scene in the borough, the evils that lay in it and its people. That all comes to an end when she’s introduced to those things she ignored.

Chapter 4: Ahi Esta El Detalle

Masterlist

As she did her clients nails she mind wandered back to Steve. Her client was one of the elder woman who she’d considered like another grandma, she could even see the brightness in Rocio’s eyes, “estas enamorada, se mira desde aqui.” This got her back to reality, she couldn’t be in love she’d just met this guy. All she knew about him was what she’d heard from the people around her. She shook her head, “no, no creo que eso sea posible, Dona Carmen.” The older lady scoffed, “el corazon no tiene ojos y no cree en tiempo. Nina, si tu quieres amar, nomas tienes que hacerlo.” 

That played in her mind all day, it was like a song. The day carried and all she could do was keep that in the back of her mind. It was late afternoon while she was helping her mama finish patching up a skirt for one of the ladies on the same floor as them. As she finished up they started talking, “Dona Carmen says you look enamorada, did you meet a guy at the party?” Rocio rolled her eyes knowing that all the older ladies there nomas andavan buscando chisme. In response though she asked her mama a question, “how long was it before you knew papa was the one?” With a final stitch, Maritza held up the skirt for inspection, “tu papa was a very hard man to love at first. Pero, I knew I loved him on the third date, cree me. Lo dijo because that was the night he really opened up to me about what he wanted from life. Siempre fue honesto. We saw it in each other.” There was a moment of silence between the women, Rocio could see the tears filling her mama’s eyes and felt like she should have never asked. Maritza smiled though, “bueno pues, that was then mija. Si tu encuentras alguien que te quiere and who’s honest. You better keep him,” she said with a small laugh.

There was a compromise, if Rocio wanted to be gone all day on Monday she’d have to first take her siblings to school, and secondly pay one of the bigger bills. She agreed, which caught Maritza off guard but she didn’t question it either. She texted him this and right before she went to bed she got a text about a call, “why are you calling me from a blocked number?” Not the best answer to a call, “hey, how are you. That’s how you start a call muneca.” He responded with a laugh. “Alright, alright, how are you?” she teased. In playful response, “mejor ahora que escucho tu voz,” she could practically see him smirking in her mind. Shaking her head, she replied, “so why’d you have to call?” He responded with a fake hurt tone, “wow, now I’m not even allowed to here your voice?” This caused for the two to laugh.

It wasn’t until he had to go, that he finally told her why he called, “bring a swim suit if you don’t have one we’ll go buy one.” She lived in Brooklyn and unless she was gonna dive into the fuckin East River, there was no point for her to own a swimsuit, so she had to go shopping. It was settled, he’d be there for her at 9 am and she’d be back that night, somewhere around the same time she was picked up.

In the morning her siblings were waiting for her, “where do you think she’s gonna go all day?” The girl, Angel asked her brother Marcos. He shrugged, “probably va ir a cojer.” He said with a laugh, it didn’t last long though as Rocio had heard him and through her shoe at him. 

The twins were born the year after Rafael went into jail. Angel was like Maritza in that the two sounded alike and had the same temper. Marcos wasn’t like his mama, sister, or even papa. He was destructive just because and an asshole to most people except his mama. There wasn’t ever a time when he wasn’t getting called into the principals office. Rocio thought about it sometimes, she wondered if he would even want to meet his pops. 

They walked a couple blocks to where the middle school was. She never walked them fully in, they wanted to look cool or whatever, “ay! don’t forget mama is going to be waiting for you later.” Walking back was always the busy part she hated. Right before she got to her building, she heard someone call her name, “Rocio!” She turned around to see a guy she’d never seen before. He smiled at her, she didn’t smile back, “tu quien eres?” Pulling her to the side away from the busy sidewalk he spoke, “i’m Federico Espada, I knew your dad,” she rolled her eyes at this, suddenly people who knew her dad were everywhere. He continued, “mira, I just wanted to introduce myself. Some people say they saw you with Rubio. Listen, ese hombre no es tan bueno like you think he is. I just wanna let you know to be careful, I only watch over our block.” With that he finished, handing her a piece of paper, that she wasn’t sure she should have taken but she did anyways. 

Her mama was gone when she got home, this meant she probably went with one of the ladies from the apartment building to go get clothes or talk about planning for the quinceanera of Dona Carmen’s granddaughter. Rubio had already  messaged her where to meet the car. She decided to get there a bit earlier, so there wouldn’t be any waiting. At exactly 9 am a beautiful black range rover pulled up. 

The door opened and inside was Rubio with a smile on his face and a gift bag on his side. The car drove off as she sat down she asked him, “did you already buy the swimsuit?” He laughed, “no this is a different present. Open it.” He said handing her the bag, she looked at him and again he nodded for her to open it. Inside was a jewelry box. “Oh shit,” she whispered as she opened the box, inside was a gold necklace the word munenca written out. She giggled, he’s a dork, “24 karats, had it made just for you. Here lemme put on ya,” She handed him the box, turning slightly. She was glad now she’d put her hair up. The gold felt cool against her skin, his hands were warm and touched her neck slightly.

He loved the way the gold looked against her honey complexion. She was gorgeous and he needed to make sure she was his. She had this cute smile on her face as she turned around to look at him, “how does it look?” Her voice was happy, it made him happy. “It looks good, now listen we’re going straight to my little home in Pelham. You’re gonna love it. Es muy diferente a Brooklyn.” She nodded. A silence fell over and then she spoke, “I thought we had were gonna look for swimsuits?” She asked. He wrapped his arm around her waist, “don’t worry about that.” Truth be told he’d asked her for her measurements anyways so it would have been easier to “shop” but the swim wear was already at the home. 

As they neared Pelham, he made a comment, “so what did Federico tell you?” Her skin got goosebumps, she didn’t know why it scared her that he knew but it did, “how’d you find out about that?” He had a very serious look on his face, “well, munenca I have people watching over you and your family. So they report your whereabouts to me.” He answered simply, she was upset now. “So when were you planning on telling me that there are people watching me?” An annoyance in her voice. He wasn’t really in the mood for an argument, “can you just tell me what he said to you?” She mumbled a couple choice words under her breath before answering, “he said he knew my dad, y que tu no eres tan buen hombre. To not trust you, and that he’d be watching over me.” She said this in a very matter of fact kinda tone.

Now he was truly pissed, “pull over.” He told his driver, doing as he was told he pulled to the side of the road, “step out, I need to talk to her alone.” That was all that was said. Rocio had never been the type to get scared, mainly because she really never feared much in her life but this moment was different. Her heart raced, with a quickness he grabbed her face with one hand and forced her to look at him. “Whatever you mumbled under your breath, I’ll let that shit slide, but you thinking that Federico can do more to protect you in the place your in is where you’re fucking wrong. You wanna know who put your dad in jail? He did, he snitched Rafael out to the cops. He fucked everyone over. The only reason he wants you on his is so he could use you later. Don’t fucking come at me with a bratty attitude. Recuerda con quien andas, munenca.” Just like that he pulled his hand away. She looked scared and on the verge of crying. He knew it was wrong but sometimes he found fear was the only way he could deal with people. 

She was scared, mad, and beyond done with this now. In a shaken tone she spoke, “I want to go home. Take me back to Brooklyn. Now. I don’t care about any of this. Mi papa fue quien fue but that’s not my fuckin fault. If you and whoever the Federico is have beef with each other, you two deal with it yourselves but take your fuckin necklace and your protection back. Leticia was stupid for inviting me to that party but I was more for fuckin talking to you.” She said taking the necklace off and throwing it at him then walking out of the car. 

She had every right to make that scene, but when it meant a girl walking down the highway Steve knew he couldn’t have that, grabbing the necklace and with a sigh he followed her out, “get the car running will ya?” With that the driver got back in the car, “Rocio! Don’t do this right now! Look get back in the car, please.” That was something he rarely said but he had no other choice right now. 

Everything in her was saying no, don’t get back in that car, but she didn’t even know where she was. His pleading was still in the background, so she did what she didn’t want to. The car ride was quiet and they were still on their way to Pelham. What she knew about that weird town is that you had to have money to even breathe there. It felt like forever but they got there, his home was beyond amazing, a beautiful old looking thing. He offered her his hand as they got out but she walked past him, following the driver. 

What he’d originally wanted was for her to be happy and what he’d done was piss her off. The worst thing about it for him? He was actually hurt that she was upset, he hadn’t felt that way in a long time. She was right, it wasn’t her fault she had to be born into that kinda life. Hell he felt the same when he found out he was gonna be an apprentice to a fuckin mob boss.

As soon as they got to the front door, she stopped, “I’m only waiting for you because I don’t know where anything else is.” It made him laugh, which in turn made her more angry. The driver who was also one of his men went on duty to watch the house. When they got inside he took her hand, she gave him a look but let him. He showed her around, and the outside to where he had a beautiful view with a lake at the edge of the garden. They stood there admiring it before he spoke, “munenca perdon, it’s just this is the first time in a long time I’ve felt this way about someone. It doesn’t make what I did back there right, but I just need you to understand, he’s not a good man. I’m not either but i’m fair and I was loyal to your dad. We all were, like brothers, we had each other’s backs.” He explained. 

It was in his apology where he explained everything to her. Why her dad went to jail, why he knew him. The story of how Federico became an traitor and got basically exiled around New York. To say she was beyond shocked was an understatement, she sat down in the grass after he finished. He knew it wasn’t the right time to explain all that to her but if he didn’t do it now, he feared he would’ve lost her. 

It took an hour or so before she decided to go upstairs and look at what swimwear he’d gotten her. He was thankful she agreed though. She was again surprised when she saw the brands sprawled out on a bed, these were so expensive they could pay off bills for years. She ended up choosing a purple Versace swimsuit. He showed her the bathroom and waited for her to come out, it was worth the wait, she’d let her down and the way it looked on her, he couldn’t believe she wasn’t a model. 

She could see the glazed over look in his eyes, “te gusta?” She knew he did, it was more rhetorical really when she asked him. He got up and got the necklace out of his pocket, “it would look better if you had this on.” She rolled her eyes, he sighed, “please. Its for you, I don’t want you to be mad. I brought you here to show you there’s more than Brooklyn.” 

There was something genuine to him. She wasn’t sure why but she was trusting him. He put the necklace on her again, and they headed outside. The water was cold but the day was warm enough that it was nice, she couldn’t swim so she just stood in the water as he swam around. He finally got back to her though, “you should know we are trying to get him out of jail.” She was sat on one of the lounge chairs now, “y como se va hacer eso?” She handed him a towel, “ahi esta el detalle munenca. We’re trying to see who we gotta bribe, who only works with fear, things like that. So far we got a trial date for him. Maritza knows about it.” He said coolly. 

There was hope in her heart, she didn’t know what came over her other than some happiness. With a smile she got up from the chair and went to hug him, his eyes caught her as she did and then there was a kiss. It wasn’t her first but it wasn’t like the others. His lips traveled from her mouth to the nape of her neck, it was there where her breath caught as he’d found a spot that was sensitive enough that she couldn’t do much but whimper. Without thinking about it twice he lead her inside, one of his men was in the hallway. “If i’m needed knock on the door first.” 

[sick-raven]

Ghosts of the Past - Chapter 6

Chapter 1 + warnings

AO3

Previous chapter

Chapter 6

Banshee had enough of everyone’s shit. It was a week since the wild night. She’s seen Jonathan two times since. They talked about what happened thoroughly. They were adults and as adults they faced the new relationship. First time they met in his office for an appointment. So, they talked hard on the table. The other day he visited her in the shop. So, they also talked through and through in the backroom.

Always so weird. He didn’t want her to touch him and he never took any piece of clothing off. He had issues.

And then there were these motherfuckers. It was clear the hunt wasn’t over, but now they came hard as if the bounty doubled. She fended of three just this week.

“Tell me who sent you,” she demanded dangling a man of the roof. She held him by his shirt over the edge. One wrong move and they will both fly down and pancake on the pavement.

He whimpered but didn’t say anything.

“Talk, or you are flying off here!”

“I don’t know! They never told us who they are!”

“Bye then.”

“No, please!!”

“Banshee, stop.”

And now this jerk tried to ruin her day too! Why did she ever thought she liked Gotham? This was a hellhole that painted a target on her back and sent the Bat to stop her from scratching it off.

“This is self-defence,” she said and looked at Batman. “You can’t blame me for that.”

“Let him go.”

“Not until I know who made bounty on me!”

“I don’t know, please, it’s online!” cried the man. His face was red and wet. Only thing missing was him calling for his mommy.

“Where?”

“The Gotham bounty.”

“Are you serious? You have a page for that?” Banshee turned to Batman.

“Not that I know of,” he said.

“Now you do,” she snapped. “One has to be a hacker in this fucking town.” She tucked the man in and let him go. He stumbled on his legs and ran as fast as he could. Two shadow figures let him pass through them and disappeared in puff of smoke.

Oh, yeah, the shadow figures were prominent now. She felt them breathing on her neck. That also pissed her off.

“Leave me alone. I didn’t kill anyone,” she hushed the Bat.

“I know. I wanted to talk to you about your contact with Jonathan Crane.”

“You are a voyeur now, great.”

“He’s a dangerous man, Miranda. You shouldn’t get close to him.”

“So am I. Next?”

“I’ve seen this before. I don’t want you to fall in the trap of wanting to change him.”

“Oh, for fucks sake!” she shouted throwing her arms in the air. Metropolis sounded great. Calm city, no targets, no Batshrinks to assume what she thinks or does. No crazy guys and no… who is she kidding, the shadows will follow. “I am not stupid, B. He is not fixable. Just like me. Or you. None of us gets better, that’s why we do what we do!”

He went silent and changed the subject. “About the ritual…”

“It went nowhere.”

“I think it cleared many things.”

“Magic doesn’t exist. I am just schizo or something.”

“Magic is real, Miranda. In this world it shouldn’t surprise you.”

“Are you finished? I have forums to find.”

“I’m trying to help.”

“Everyone tries to help, and nobody asks if I want it. I don’t. Get off my back.”

She stomped away like a small angry child. She wanted to blame her mood on a moon, or the period, or the fact she didn’t sleep two nights. She couldn’t. She was angry at her incompetence to find the fucker trying to kill her.

And maybe also Jonathan.

Fuck it all.

She just wanted to sleep.

***

That’s how Jonathan found her. Bend over her laptop, hell in her eyes, typing furiously a step away from punching the keyboard.

“Is this how you scare off customers?” he asked.

She nearly killed him with her stare. “Get out. Now.”

“That’s no way to greet guests.”

“I sweat to god, Jonathan, leave now. I have no control,” she snapped at him.

“Yes, I noticed. I will leave the talk for later.”

She turned her attention back to the laptop, hitting enter so hard it was a miracle it didn’t jump out.

“What are you searching?”

“Will you just shut up?”

Jonathan was not phased. He came here with semi-good intentions. Now she ruined it. She was confrontational before, but this was another level. He didn’t know what stressed her that much, but he hated this. Raw anger was disgusting and made his skin crawl. He despised the lack of self-control. Grandma used to be angry a lot, but never for the reason she claimed. And it was Jonathan who got hit by the fury.

That’s why he didn’t bother listening to Miranda. Her fury hurt, but not as deep as grandma’s.

He walked around the counter and looked over her shoulder. She stiffened. Jonathan would take a punch if necessary.

“What do you need bounty for?”

“None of your business.”

“This is not how you look for it,” he commented. “Let me.”

She watched his fingers run on the keyboard. He knew the site very well. He got paid many times through this and he also found many henchmen there. People in Gotham were willing to take money for anything.

“What are you looking for?”

She stared at him enraged.

“I am trying to help, Miranda.”

She scoffed and folded her arms on her chest.

“I wanna know who’s trying to kill me.”

So that’s what’s been eating her out. For a minute he thought he had something to do with this. Shame, he didn’t left much impact on her. “Let me see.”

He ran through the website. “You cannot find names here, just information. But I know a guy who knows a gal… you know how it is. Hm, the bounty on you is solid. I would be interested if I didn’t know better.”

“Do you ever get tired of listening to yourself?”

“Sometimes. I will get the name for you.”

“I can do it myself.”

“I don’t doubt that.” He closed the laptop and turned to her. “You need sleep.”

“I am…”

“Doctor’s order.”

“That bad, huh?”

Yeah, she really looked exhausted. Black circles under her eyes and tremble in one hand. She broke herself to avoid breaking herself. He wondered whether the bounty was only thing that bothered her, but he didn’t ask. She will spill the beans eventually, she had talent for going straight to the point.

“Yes,” he answered.

“I cannot sleep, they…”

“Nobody will hurt you, I’ll take care of it.”

“Unless you do it.”

He sighed. He was a fiend. Fucked up in the head. But he wasn’t this. Using visible weakness was tempting but breaking them strong had more appeal. He wanted to help. He liked her fighting spirit, not this.

“You don’t need to trust me. But you do need sleep.”

Miranda shook uncomfortably and surrendered. “Fine. I will go home and have a rest. Your out of character care convinced me.”

“Let me take you there.”

She looked at him resignation in her eyes. “You mean it?”

“Yes.”

That’s how he ended up sitting on her couch, reading her disturbing collection of slushy romance and watching her over as she collapsed on her bed with silent ding.

***

This was embarrassing. Miranda got up early in the morning feeling much better just to find Jonathan sleeping in her living room. Good way to get them both killed, but also very awkward because she didn’t really believe he will stay there.

He looked almost innocent.

Why is everything in her life an almost?

Silently she moved to the kitchen to prepare quick breakfast for both. She tried to be as silent as possible but when she entered living room Jonathan was already up. Miranda didn’t know what to say so she just put the plate down.

“Do you feel better?” he asked after a minute has passed without a word.

“Yes,” she warmed her hands on a cup of tea. “Thank you, Jonathan. I snapped.”

“Do you do that often?”

“Yeah, I do. Some small shit goes wrong, I get angry and I start to make mistakes. That’s why I move places so often.”

He nodded. “Have you taken the pills I gave you?”

“No.” He left that without comment, but Miranda felt need to defend her decision. Did it really matter what he thinks? “I don’t trust you.”

“I don’t trust you either,” he agreed, “and we shouldn’t.”

This mutual agreement calmed her a little. They understood each other. “I owe you one.”

“You shouldn’t say that, or I will take you seriously.”

“You are right. I will owe you one if you get me the name.”

Jonathan smiled amused. “Miss Bradbury, we just talked about trust.”

“Business works differently.”

“You do not have sex with your business partners.”

“Says who?” she laughed, and he raised his eyebrows. “I’m just kidding. Maybe.”

“Anyways,” he continued with coldness in his voice – just a bit, she would almost miss it. “I will see what I can do. You take care of yourself, Miranda. And take your meds.”

“Sure, doc.”

***

Terry Borrows entered their shitty apartment with even shittier mood. Another day, another failed job hunt.

“I’m sorry, your crime record speaks against you.”

“Here you write you can’t stand loud noises. This work position is not for you.”

“Sorry, mate, not enough experience.”

“Are you Mexican?”

“We don’t hire killers.”

Terry collapsed in the armchair and sighed in frustration. You witness one fucking murder and you are fucked! You have to lower yourself to work for crime lords. Terry didn’t want to. They wanted some normal work without heavy machinery.

But no, the police still suspected them, so now they were unemployed, in debt and with eviction note on the table.

“Fuck this,” Terry said to the room. “Fuck it all!”

“You won’t suffer for long,” said a voice.

Terry jumped on their feet and turned around. Nobody was there. What? They searched the room with their eyes. Empty.

“Who said that?!”

Feeling of being watched crawled on their back. The room was lit and nobody else was there. Terry shook scared. They had to be hearing things. Nothing happened. Everything is fine.

They finally calmed down a bit although the tight chest, bound by nervousness, stayed. They’ll make coffee, and all will be fine.

Ding.

Terry froze.

Knife appeared on their neck and Terry screamed. Hand held their mouth.

“You do not fuck with death ghost, haven’t you heard, Terry?” whispered Banshee behind them. Terry whimpered ready for a pain and the end. “When you hear her come, you die.”

Tears ran on their face.

“I am a curious ghost, you know? I will let you talk. But you scream once and you die, Terry, understand?”

They nodded carefully not to cut their neck. Tight grip disappeared and a shove sent them on the ground. Terry turned. Over them stood a woman with scarf. The same one they’ve seen weeks back.

“Please, I…”

“Terry Borrows,” she said their name as if she was tasting it. “Who are you? You are not the League, or you’d find me right away. I don’t know you. Why do you want me dead?”

Terry felt their body tremble to the bone, but they felt like they are not there. The body wasn’t theirs. They focused only on her. She found them. She will kill them. Like she did to that guy before. No mercy. Their damn shitty life will be over.

“Speak!” she commanded.

Terry yelped and then unsure of what to say, tears started to pour from their eyes. The woman stood there, waiting, her stare ready to give them heart attack. Terry opened mouth several times, but shock wouldn’t let them speak so they looked like a fish out of water gasping for air.

Banshee put the knife to other hand and took out a gun.

“Please!” Terry finally managed. “I… I…” They couldn’t say it. She will kill them. “You…”

“Yes?”

“You ruined my life. Everyone… Everyone think I killed that guy! I got fired! The bill are crazy!”

“So you have money to pay for bounty and not for life, hm?”

Terry fell silent. How could they explain they got drunk and in revenge fit put out the bounty? And when they sobered up, they decided to leave it there and decided to run away or die trying without paying it?

“Sob story,” commented Banshee. “Your life turned bad, so you want to blame someone. I don’t do those. You fucked with wrong person.”

Terry closed their eyes.

“Oh no, not so easy. You take down the bounty first.”

“I can’t…”

“Excuse me?”

“I can’t do it from here. I can’t…”

Banshee frowned. Then she hid her gun and knife.

“You might have bought a day. Pull down the bounty. Don’t try to run. I will find you. I will…” just for a second she turned her gaze to corner and shook her head. “I will hunt you down. You better do what I say, and I might feel generous.”

Terry nodded fast.

“I will find you later.”

Terry sobbed a bit and their vision blurred. When they cleared the tears from their eyes, Banshee was gone.

***

Visiting Jonathan now was a lottery. Before she didn’t know what to expect but the options were limited. Now they grew and Miranda never knew what to prepare for. But what he started today, she wouldn’t foretold at all.

“We need to talk.”

She nearly choked on her drink. Talk? Now? Really? She took him for the type that will do things and when they stop being to his liking, he will just stop. No need to talk there.

“About what?” she cleared her throat.

“There are more things. Let me start with the simplest one. Did you find them?”

“Terry? Yes,” she nodded. “I have yet to kill them, but the bounty is off. For now.”

“I took you for hit first, ask question later kind of woman.”

“It depends. I needed to cancel the bounty. Terry doesn’t really bother me. Plus, I am sucker for helping poor. Kill, earn money, donate to charity sort of thing. Terry is in bad place. I might reconsider. I will see.”

“Interesting.”

“You are starting to scare me now with these comments.”

“Nervous, are you?”

“I didn’t expect any serious talks. What’s next?”

Jonathan smiled a little. “What are we doing?”

“You tell me. I don’t mind continuing with this. But I feel there is more in the air. I just don’t know what.”

“Can you even feel attachment, Miranda? Affection?”

“I don’t know. Can you?”

“I try not to.”

The words were said. They left her a lot to think about. Could she like him? Could she replace the common feeling she lacked with something? Loyalty maybe? Damn him and his stupid mind games. She liked him more when he fucked her in the backroom. No questions, no talks.

“Let’s not push anything, Jonathan. It’s not worth it.”

“I agree.”

Relief. Yes, it’s better not to overthink. Just let it flow, it will sort itself out eventually.

“Last thing.” He didn’t even stop to think. “You should take the pills.”

Miranda never opened the bottle. Reason stopped her. Possible consequences too. Jonathan could have lied. He wouldn’t poison her, just mess her up. Miranda, you wanted that, remember? But right now, that was low on her list. Shadows occupied the first five positions and she worried drugs would only worsen them.

“I don’t know what they will do,” she avoided saying the truth.

“I told you. They can awake your emotions.” He poured another drink just to put his hands to work. “Don’t you want that?”

Again, that weird idea she had – he also avoided something. Didn’t they just agree to let it flow? Damn him. “Maybe. But are you telling the truth? Remember the trust?”

“I do. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have a suggestion.”

“Your suggestions always end up either in a fight or sex.”

“I would like to avoid both tonight.”

“Now I am curious,” she laughed.

“I’ll take it first.”

She fell silent. That was… unexpected. She never heard of psychiatrist just suggesting that. Then again, she never fucked her shrinks. This was also the first time she has became a pet project. Somehow she felt she needs to accept just to make him happy. And to bring herself to trust him. Enforce the bound.

She would rather go for that fuck now.

Aaaagh, think, Miranda! Is this a game again? What will be the consequences? Can you even afford consequences when the ghosts are following?

“Are you okay taking your own medicine?” she asked.

“I test it on myself sometimes when I am sure there are no side effects. If I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t have suggested it. I want you to trust the meds. Not just my word.”

“Okay. I think I would like that.”

“I just have to warn you. I talk way too much when drugged,” he joked.

“All you say will be used against you hundred percent. Just so you know the risk.”

“It’s worth it.”

“Enough of this sentiment,” she grinned with arms folded. It made her think, she hated that. She felt she could get attached, if the ghosts just left her alone. “I still have them, if you want to do it now.”

“Are you just carrying them around?”

“Have you never heard of woman’s purse?”

“And its never-ending space?”

“Yes!”

Jonathan laughed a little. “Yes, I am willing.”

Miranda was still unsure, but she fetched the medication. Questions ran through her head. Manipulation was one of them. Be wary of the good doctor. The good doctor is a freak. Shadows hoovered at the back of the room and silently agreed.

She needs them gone!

Jonathan accepted the bottle and just took one pill. So simple. Hard evidence that he didn’t give her anything bad. He handed her the bottle back.

“Did you test this one before?” Miranda asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you keep composure?”

“Partially. It doesn’t change your thinking, it just mixes your emotions. Often positively but not always.”

“Okay.”

They didn’t talk for a while. Miranda was waiting for anything to happen. Jonathan just rested in his chair. At one point he frowned and clenched his fists, but that was it.

“You make it look easy,” said Miranda.

“It’s just uncomfortable since you are watching.”

“I noticed. You don’t like people, do you?”

“Are you using the talking against me, Miranda?”

“Yes,” she grinned. “Spill the beans, Jonathan.”

He scoffed. “No, I don’t like people. They always turn on you, always hate you. There is no good. All is just façade helping them to get something from you.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“I never met anyone who wouldn’t use me. Did you?”

“I am a tool.”

“See,” he said victoriously.

“Is that…” she waved her hand a bit. Jonathan gave her weird stare, but the ghost disappeared. “Why you don’t like being touched?”

Jonathan rested his head on his hand. “No, you misunderstood. I like getting touched just like any other man.”

“So, what’s the deal?”

He really tried to hold himself together but little tick here and there and foot tapping gave away his rising emotions. Annoyance? Excitement? She couldn’t tell.

“My grandma was a fanatic. Religious zealot. She…” he reached for a glass and drank away the sore throat. “When she didn’t like something, she decided to shun the devil away.”

Jonathan fell silent, nervous ticks more often. He avoided eye contact. That was a first. He always held it over her like a weapon and now he was looking anywhere but at her.

“She’d close me in the old church. And the crows there would attack me. She trained them like dogs. Pecked meat of the body.”

Now it was her who shivered.

“So,” she said, “lanky and scarred.”

He raised his eyes with spark of anger.

“That’s what you don’t like. Being seen,” she concluded. “I just thought you were kinky. You are not really into unconscious ladies.”

“No.”

“You could just turn off the light.”

“The feel is still there. You can recognize the scars by touching them.”

Miranda scratched her head awkwardly. “You go to great lengths just to hide that. Just… it’s all fucked up, sorry.”

He shrugged but looked out of windows. Miranda felt like shit. She opened the can of worms and now they were crawling everywhere, and she tried to pick them one by one. Say something, girl. Can’t you see this is your only chance to pry?

“Are you okay, Jonathan?”

“No,” he answered.

“I will leave you alone.”

She was ready to leave. “No, please, stay,” he stopped her and reached his hand to her. She hesitated for a second. They cannot be saved. They cannot be changed. Nothing in this world will fix whatever they became and why they became it didn’t matter.

She just sat next to him, held his hand and let him suffer in silence

Next chapter

[melblogsgfreethruptsd]

*tw

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*suicidal thoughts

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Shit hit the fan, so fast my head spun.

I was watching the evening news, I have some vested interest in the severity of Covid19, on a level where I like to find solace in knowledge.

Most info I get from Twitter or Reddit though, bc mainstream is obviously more hype and bias.

But DH paused it just to start a coversation about how it’s not even that serious (he’s a big “it’s the flu” believer, things are going to crap for nothing subscriber). Even though he KNOWS I am irritated by the blasé opinioned people.

The “convo” devolves into debate, which devolves into all kinds of things I’m just getting too tired to explain. It’s been an hour. Then the topic steers into what’s next for our military life. See DH got stop lossed. All military plans are locked down now. So the school he was supposed to fly out to TOMORROW got cancelled. Our whole life schedule got put on hold bc were are going to PCS move this year. It involves selling our house, and moving me and kids to Michigan, before ultimately moving to our new duty station at another state which ISNT EVEN 100% KNOWN YET. Stressful, even without a pandemic going on.

Turns out, I think DH spun the whole debate into a rant about being upset about the interruption of what he had to do for his career. But he started dragging me and our relationship. Good Lord I hate when he does this. We are no longer talking about the topic at hand. Now it’s about how crappy our relationship is and I don’t support him... God what have I been doing the last 15 years, having kids with him, fk me /s. His entire career, I just follow his lead, Army life, all the twists and turns, a deployment, all the months he’d be gone, not complaining, while surviving my own personal mental and health crisis. Everything I did for my autistic son, and all the years DH praised me for putting in the therapy, meetings, and paperwork. Funny now it just pisses out the window in one Fkn day.

It’s so bad, I’m just crying, tired, and upset. It’s been 2 hours now. No one has had dinner, I have a 13 month old to take care of still, who has a routine. I told DH, no don’t take the conversation into how awful our relationship is bc that’s not even where we started talking. But it ended up there anyway. My mind is blown. What even is my life, my purpose? Wtf just happened? I’m still hungry but I don’t want to be around him in the kitchen so I go upstairs and put laundry away (I don’t rage clean, I guess I distress clean). DH passes through and says “you can sleep on the other bed tonight.” WTF. So then I’m in the closet and putting away a long chain belt. And I think what if I just hang myself? The emotional intensity is so great, but that sliver of rational mind is still there. I remember I just ordered clothes online, and I think “they can bury me in the dress I just bought”. Just leave a note, sorry I had to go. But I can’t bc of my kids, I’m distraught even thinking a nasty thought, my baby girl would grow up without a mom. Stupid Fkn Covid19, I kind of wish someone would cough in my mouth and just give it to me, so I can either survive or die. My husband doesn’t want to be around me, and reminds me of the times he’s threatened divorce years ago. Now we’re supposed to be in it together during all this social isolating and it feels like a cruel joke bc now apparently we (he) can’t stand it. Just utter fuckery.

Some sanity and calm returns to me. I have to go back downstairs and eat something. I try to ask why I have to sleep in the other room. He says he doesn’t want to be near me, bc I won’t talk to him. (Which is infuriating bc “talking” just turned into me not appreciating him enough and it’s my fault for having reservations about his grand idea of moving to Alaska). It felt so gaslighting, he just says I said things, and jumps into gross conclusions that I didn’t even say, I wished I’d recorded this whole mess, it’s all so confusing now. Then he unleashes things he’s been keeping from me about how stressed he’s been, and cries in his truck at night, and it’s like blaming me for not knowing how bad he’s been. Like he goes to his counseling and his meds are for psychosis and suicidal issues, like wtf?! How can you blame me for things you hid, that I’d have no idea to even ask about?!? That’s like me saying, how dare you never ask about my trauma that I never told you!

Yes, I’ve been bad at expressing love. Yes, we’ve emotionally grown apart over the years . Yes, things have needed work for a long time. Yes, I have my part in it.

I wouldn’t be against couple counseling. Fuck I longed for someone tonight. Make sense of this madness, mediate, be a witness, my mind is breaking, stop the devolved bs, keep the topic on track, honor the boundary when I say stop.

I wanted to run away. Escape. Get money from grandma and just fly to Michigan and live with her. Or end it and die. Flip a switch so it shuts off. Lose consciousness . It feels like a train wreck coming. Impending doom. And this was before the virus and media hype warping minds. But kids, I can’t leave them. I can’t. No wonder those suffering domestic violence get trapped. Wtf is next? It’s been ONE Fkn day, why couldn’t DH just let the stop loss marinate for a bit? Sleep on it? Not get boozed up and flip tf out. God, help.

[mvlonc]

hello hey what’s good hunnies, i’m rollin up late but uh !!  my name’s maia, 25 y/o living it up it up in the ast part of the world and uh listen i don’t have discord bc i’m a literal grandma when it comes to keeping up with all the new means of being social lmao so if you would like to chat and/or plot?? just shoot me an im on here — i’m usually always mobile & i obviously love to talk a lot !  and i’m a heaux for dramatic / angst-fuelled plots .. just a little fyi … i’m excited !! so anyway !!!  onto the Idiot of the Hour you’re actually here to read about; my darling malone. i have a pinterest board for him  HERE  , a playlist for him  HERE  , his stats page set up  HERE  , and a connections page  HERE  which as you can see is bare as all hell so let’s plot <3

have you seen  MALONE SINCLAIR  since the storm? some say they look like  DACRE MONTGOMERY  but they’re  22   & go by  THE LOTHARIO .   HE  lived in halloway for  EIGHT YEARS  & they are originally from  MANHATTAN, NY . before the town vanished they were studying  BIOLOGY  and lived at  UNI BLVD . most people knew the  CIS MALE  as  BODACIOUS  but i’ve heard they can also be  EVASIVE . for some reason, they feel  UNEASY  about the town’s disappearance.

okay so homeboy here has had it pretty easy his entire life. his dad works relentlessly as chief of neurosurgery in lower manhattan and his step-mom had worked as a prestigious legal practitioner; one of the most sought out lawyers in the state, and later, a socialite. like the infamous philosopher dr justin roberts once said: “six figures, i was only four”, malone was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. while most would assume he’s a straight up trust fund punk, though, he inherited his father’s impeccable work ethic to a fault.

as an only child and therefore sole heir to the sinclair estate, his parents have been on mal’s ass his entire life to give his absolute best in everything he does. health, school, sports, friendships, relationships, the whole shebang. his marks were always near the top of his class, he excelled at his two favourite sports; hockey during the winter, baseball during the summer. but it wasn’t until he hit his mid adolescent years, started developing an interest in girls ( whom he once thought were riddled with cooties ), that his focus faltered a wee bit and good lil o’malley boy started being a teenager.

embracing his lavish lifestyle and all the popularity / opportunities it handed him on a silver platter basically, mal was ho-ing himself around, partying it up with the elite crowd, earning himself a pretty risque rep among his peers. it wasn’t until he met his first actual serious girlfriend that he did his best to tone it tf down. and it worked, for awhile. but !! of course he fucked it all up and even though what’s done is done, he has big regrets. BIG regrets. mainly bc girl went absolutely wild and took a baseball bat to the ferrari his parents had waiting for him for his 16th birthday yikes.

sO after this wild series of events, his step-mom urged the family to move back to his dad’s hometown in halloway, new hampsire. it was within reasonable travel distance for senior sinclair to fly back and forth for work, and the town seemed a lot more quaint and quiet compared to manhattan, somewhere malone could focus better on his studies. no matter how defiantly he protested, delivering as many good points to stay in new york as he possibly could to his parents, their minds were made up and so malone spent his high school years in halloway. of course, he still stirred up his fair share of drama just as he did in manhattan, and continued to party with the best of them.

after graduating high school with exemplary marks, instead of taking the opportunity to potentially thrive in the big leagues of the sports world, malone opted to stick to his roots, following in his dad’s footsteps. he got accepted into halloway university as a pre-med student, studying all the biological sciences, and would be entering his senior year come september... until shit hit the fan and all hell broke loose rip. at first, the idea of living without any sort of authority figure attempting to keep him in line was thrilling to the young man. he took full advantage of this with the rest of his fellow university students, partying it up to celebrate the end of the world. but as the days went on, malone felt ... uneasy about the false liberated situation they were in. 

what had happened to everyone’s parents? his parents? why hadn’t anyone tried to contact them, or come back for them (wherever the adults went)? were they all really left to fend for themselves - had they actually been abandoned? he’s actually pretty pissed at the thought, and also saddened but that’s not something openly he shares with the others. for now, he’s cooperatively working with the group to ensure their survival until somebody - anybody - comes back to take them to wherever it is he assumes the adults are doing the same.

wanted connections ; 1) ok so uh he obviously needs his boy(s), 1 or 2 who he’s pretty dang close with. they travelled together, were each others’ wingmen at one time or another, always have each others’ backs through thick & thin. it’d be cool if their parents had been friends and so the boys kinda grew up together like brothers. 2) also on that note, maybe a fella he’s experimenting with?? bc he’s a bicurious soul, potentially bisexual, so that would be a loAD of angst huh. 3) he need him some fwb / hook up type deals, whether they be a regular occurrence or a one time thing. 4) ex gfs!! i don’t see him having like… a SHIT load of exes bc he tries to stay away from relationships but probably anywhere between 1-3?? whether they be on good terms, bad terms, lingering feelings, etc. i’m cool with whatever. 5) maybe somebody he tutored?? bc while he gives off mad Big Dick energy and tends to think with that head lmao, mal is actually very intelligent. 6) how about some enemies tho. like… idk man i’m SURE there are ppl he rubs the wrong way bc he’s kind of narcissistic lmao. or maybe they think he’s fake. or maybe there’s some sports rivalry or classic case of polar opposites or he broke ur bff’s heart?? the possibilities are endless.

[ellerevelle]

okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)

but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order: 

Trump is our stupid President

That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home. 

And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy. 

But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh. 

Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead. 

I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her. 

Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me. 

because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it. 

So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face. 

I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked! 

Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many, 

The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon. 

So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise. 

I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to. 

You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else. 

All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE! 

I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love. 

Back to the list:

I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer. 

Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane. 

So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat. 

I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories. 

I only like my own brand of cigarettes. 

My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid. 

I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc. 

And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)

I miss Adam. 

What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post. 

So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something. 

I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy. 

No, I have become recently lazy. 

I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.

 #depression! 

so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...

when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart. 

I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE. 

But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but. 

I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened. 

And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life. 

I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out. 

How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner. 

I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run. 

I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh. 

Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin. 

I need a job. 

[blackrosesfanfic]

Chapter 174

Sevyn

"I'm going to New York to party with white boys." Chris says in my face.

I grab his cheeks pinching them. "You are a white boy."

He sticks his tongue out. "I fuck like one."

"There's only one place for your tongue and it's nowhere near my face."

"Here?" He says putting his hands on my nipple.

I let his face go. "I don't know. See."

"No." he says standing up. "I'm going to New York to party with white boys. Right now."

"What about your show in the morning in Houston?"

He shrugs. "I'll leave my white boy party in time."

"I'm going to Miami to roast in the sun."

"Miami? What's in Miami? Not no fucking Spider."

I narrow my eyes at him. "What's this relationship that you created in your head between me and Spider? Who I only worked with one time."

"I might go to Miami." he says.

"No. I am going to Miami in the morning when you are headed to your show."

He seems like he gets pissed. "Don't fucking do shit like that. When I leave. So you want to make sure I don't fucking go?"

"Christopher Maurice." I say turn over on my side. "I don't have time for your ranting."

"Whatever."

I roll my eyes. He so insecure. "It's a family trip, Christopher."

"That I'm not invited to."

"You really aren't but since it's just me and Tim you are more than welcome."

Chris folds his arms. "Your dad birthday thing?"

"Yeap. But do come. After your show. Fly right on out to Miami."

"I'm good." he says lying on the bed.

"Why are we in this ugly room?"

"Gave my bed to Mama Rose. You got a problem with that?"

I look at his face. "I have a fucking problem with your fucking mood swings. I mean damn, weren't you upset?"

"I need someone to tell me what to do about this baby."

"Joyce told you she had it under control. Why do you still need something?"

He blows. "I'm tired of Joyce always handling shit. I'm grown. I can handle shit myself."

I laugh. "Since when? You just said..."

"Aaahhh." he says covering my mouth. "You fake, Amber."

"I'm real, my nigga. From forehead to toe."

He laughs. "Yeah cause this shit ain't real."

"Get out of my hair and go hang with your white boys. I will be fine at the Happy Home til then morning."

"I'm staying here." He says undressing.

I turn over on my side and start snoring. He puts his warm body on me. We call their house the Happy Home because when we are here there are never problems. It's always a place to relax and wine down the craziest of everything outside the house. The door is always open. It a vacation spot around beautiful people. Plus Cammie and Trey are perfect and inspirational. Black Love.

"Lane was running around the house earlier naked."

"When?" I laugh.

"You were gone. This morning."

I laugh. "He is a mess. He told me that I need to go to my house. Not his house but my own house. His reason was because I turned the TV while he was gone out of our room."

"He calls me a bitch every time he gets in trouble."

"Cammie will pinch his ass whenever he curse no matter who he talking to. She said it's gone too far."

Chris starts kissing my breasts. "I kinda hope the kid is mine but I wish it was different."

"I saw her."

"What?" he says sitting up.

I smirk. "You pissed me off so I didn't tell you. She was with her grandma. Looking just like you. You knew there was a possibility a big one that she was yours. She is yours if you need to hear it."

"When the hell were you mad at me?"

"Bruh, we didn't talk for days. Do you not remember this?"

He sighs. "Doing the tour."

"Okay, thank you."

"You welcome." he sits up smiling. "She looks like me?"

I roll my eyes. "Exactly why I didn't say nothing before."

"Joyce said everything will be known by tomorrow. She won't tell me what it means."

"You should be mad I kept it from you."

He shrugs. "Not at the Happy Home. It's all love here."

I laugh. "You fake."

"I've been trying to make a fucking baby with any and everybody but her. Crazy bitch don't desire the baby."

"Oh yeah let's talk about your exes and all the unprotected sex you had with them. Eww."

"Oh shut up. You nasty."

I put my feet on his chest. "I'm a lady."

He lifts my legs higher. "Ladies don't fuck people like me."

"Actually, good girl, bad boy. Ladies do fuck boys like you. It's a common problem."

"It's the dick." he says putting my ankles on his shoulder.

I laugh. "Yeah, that would be why you can't keep them. That's not enough at the end of the day. Dick is out there."

"Who the hell I was with that was a good girl? Trying to come for me. Shut your fucking crusty lips and focus on opening these lips." he says rubbing his head on my pussy.

"Completely silent, Master?"

He ignores me. I start to laugh but he enters me pushing deep. I smile at him. I play too much so I'm going to try my best not to make a sound. Good dick might make that hard. I shallow the stop the moan. Shit. Chris looks from watching himself perform. He looked confused but he doesn't stop. He pushes all the way inside of me pressing his body against my legs. Oh shit. I take a deep breath. He opens my legs enough for his body to come through. I hold back my smile once he is in my face.

"I know what you like." he says.

"Okay, Chris." I make it short.

He starts to say something but doesn't say shit. He starts grinding into me. I close my eyes. I smile at him then open my eyes. He sits up. I ain't fighting it anymore. He pushes against my legs then starts thrusting faster. I let whatever come out of my mouth that wanted to. I try to move his hands. He was about to fuck it all up with a cramp in my leg. He lifts my hips bringing them to him more. Fuck.

  MiMi

JJ picks up the diaper putting it behind his baby. "Where the diaper?"

I gasp. "Oh no. What did I do with it?"

"Mookie, listen to this." Dee says taking the diaper from JJ.

"Aye!" JJ says.

"Go eat your food."

JJ runs out of the room really fast. Well damn is he that hungry? Dee slides Minnie over to him then grab the wet wipes. I wasn't going to change words about him changing that green bean diaper. I gave her food for the first time. Baby food. JJ has fed her something before.

"You mighty happy. Changing diapers and shit."

"What the hell?" Dee says. "Why is it green?"

"I told you I gave her peas."

He makes a face close to her face. "If I ever have problems with you I'm reminding you of this moment."

"Look at how she is looking at you."

"Take my serious." he says touching her nose with his. She laughs at him. "I found the perfect place for the wedding."

"You wanted me to listen to that?"

He reaches in his pocket taking out his cellphone. "No, I want you to listen to this voicemail. I accept you getting mad but remember that it's not real. You don't even have to remember that. I'll tell you again."

"I don't like it. Don't let me hear it."

"Then you gonna say I was hiding shit." he says playing the message.

It's a girl's voice. "Hey, Bae. Just calling to see how you doing. I sure did miss having you in my arms. Now that you are gone again I seem lost without you. Yes, I understand you finally settling down. I just want to know if you think about us. What we would have had if she hadn't gotten pregnant. Do you still think about me? Anyway, I'm babbling. Hit me up if you want to do us just one last time before you become that family man she pushing you so hard to be. Love always, your Little Tot."

"I didn't even want to hear that shit."

"Who said I wanted to hear it?"

I roll my eyes. "Wont you give her whatever the fuck it is she wants."

He stands Minnie up then smiles at her. "Give her our kids and your identity?"

"What? You can't give away... Shut up."

"Moo, she wants to be you. She wants what we have. I told you how bad she wanted my baby."

I roll my eyes. "That's the fucking thing. Oh my gosh. Why we even talking about the bitch you cheated on me with?"

"We weren't officially back together."

"Oh please."

He lies Minnie down in front of me then stands up straight. "Alright moving on. I haven't talked to this girl since. Damn, Mook, I thought you would ask how she got my new number. You not even mad like I thought."

"I'm moving forward to be a better us. Keep up with the Jones. People tell me how much my relationship is but I don't agree cause we had problems. I'm moving forward. Are you?"

"A job where the cops can't come lock me up at any moment and food on my table. I'm moving forward."

"Minnie?" I say rubbing her stomach. "Are you moving forward?"

Dee chuckles. "I'm even moving forward from my idea that I'm less than a man for not having millions like my friends. I need new friends."

I laugh. "Hang with your old broke friends."

"In Charleston? Mookie how you expect me to do that? Plus they talking shit about me being a monkey on the fence. Halfway between the white man's world and the hood."

"Damn, they not giving you any in between? It's sellout or selling foodstamps?"

He laughs. "They don't know that every where I am is because of you. Fuck a white man. I'm living to make you happy."

"Awh, ain't you sweet."

JJ comes in the room. "When we going to Lane house?"

I smile. "We aren't going today."

"Not ever?"

"Not today. Where did you get that from?" I ask staring at him.

Dee looks at him. "Go play with your toys. Do you not have fun toys?"

"I don't have Lane."

"Lane is not a toy. Did you eat your food?"

He nods his head. "All my hot dog."

"Go play."

"He gets little statments from nowhere. That boy has too many toys."

I few seconds later you could hear him making a lot of noise. Same thing he does with Lane he does here alone. Bad ass thinks that he has to play with only Lane. Surprised he didnt ask to go see Joyce. He loves that line when he is in trouble.

"Minnie." Dee says picking her up. "It's kinda boring here."

"It's home. Make it not boring. What is wrong with y'all?"

He puts Minnie down. "I do have a new Xbox. Let me see if Trey wants to get online."

"You could have stayed at his house for that." I roll my eyes.

"Not to play online."

"If you bored, get your daughter. I'm mad she doesn't sleep all day anymore. I want to sleep all day still."

He takes her. "At this age they are perfect video game buddies. They don't want to do nothing but stare at the TV. I got you Minnie."

"I got to use the bathroom, Mommy." JJ yells holding himself.

"Go pee!"

"It stuck." JJ whines.

I pull myself off the bed quickly against my will. JJ starts crying as I take his pants loose. I pick him up and take him to the bathroom. I don't think kids are truly accident free until 7 or 8. JJ definitely has lots of issues. I stand him up in the tub then sit his potty in the tub. He attempts to pee in the potty but it goes over the tub. He was still upset about the whole thing. I undress him then wash him off. He leaves crying to Dee.

"Boy, hush. Go get some clothes."

"Pajamas?"

"Yeah, go."

I clean the tub then go into the room. Dee is on the phone laughing really hard. Why does he feel the need to video chat with Trey? Trey is hard down telling him a story. Dee laughs extra loud. He fake. I lay down on the bed watching him. He tells Trey about the ex girlfriend.

"Oh you ain't even famous." Trdy laughs. "Imagine shit coming from different angles. Exes, one night stands, the bitch that gave you a pen, the girl that touched your hand without permission, hell the fan you never met... One ex. Great."

"Well, damn. It is just one."

Trey laughs. "But the bitch can do damage. I'm writing my own advise novel. Eliminate them all. One bitch can take away years from a life you love. One bitch can get in your head when you slipping. One wrong move. Bam. Some other nigga playing house with your happy family you worked hard to make."

"You reading this?" Dee laughs.

"I tell myself that every time I walk away from my family into temptation. One bitch out there waiting. Shit thousands. You got one. I'm surprised a few of my exes are still silent. So how this girl got your number? Nope hold up. Put your headphones on. Beckham you in my fucking lounge again?" the phone hangs up.

Dee laughs out loud again. "We need another player. Huh? Oh nah. I sure didn't. No lie. Aye, my number not hard to get. Especially when these iPhones fucking sends shit to old contacts that it wants to get out the fucking cloud. That has happened."

"Oh my goodness!" I yell kicking the bed. "Shut up. Play your game and stop chatting. Why you even start the game in here?"

"I wanted to be close to you."

"Devin don't make me throw something at the back of your head."

"Don't hit my daughter."

I turn over on my side. "Shut up and we won't have problems."

"Yeah, I'm on restriction. It's limited to game talk." he says then laugh. "I'm sorry, Bae. I'm done."

"I put my clothes on." JJ says walking into the room.

Dee laughs. "Homie, you going some place special? You look sharp. Hold on."

"I go to Lane house?"

"Little homie, go play. Good job putting your clothes on."

Dee takes a picture. JJ had on a fitted top and black dress pants. He really did put them on well. I chuckle then close my eyes. I know this nap is not going to happen. No sooner than the thought leaves my mind. JJ starts crying.

"Don't climb on her fucking head!"

"I want to play." JJ cries.

Dee stands him up on the floor. "Don't play with me boy."

"No fair."

"Go play your game."

"Not the baby game."

Dee ignores him. I sigh and turn over to watch them. JJ is going to continue until he gets popped. Dee continues to laugh extra loud. He should have stayed on the phone so I could hear his conversation. Trey may have done it on purpose.

[romantic-reveries]

God, not to be complain-y and cranky, but we have company right now, and she was having like, her first experiences with panic symptoms, but kept being like, “what if it’s something serious?? omg I don’t know” like go to fucking urgent care oh my GOD??? When I’m panicking like that, the only reason is because I’m like, I don’t know if this is anxiety or if I need medical attention, but I don’t have insurance or income so deciding to go is a Big Deal. She has both of those things—and she works for the state, so they’re good. Like. Just go. And she’s like “what if they hold me?” They’d only hold you if something was wrong???? Would you rather be here suffering and wondering if it’s fine or not?? It makes no sense to sit here and worry if you’re not gonna do something. I do that because I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and have had health anxiety for my whole life. If I went to the hospital every time I had “symptoms” I’d never leave.

And she keeps being like, “it’s probably because I’ve missed doses of my celery juice. Or I’m dehydrated. Or I haven’t been sleeping well.” NOT EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR HEALTH IS A PERSONAL FAILING OR EVEN RELATED TO ANYTHING YOU’RE DOING OR NOT DOING.

Anyway, she goes to urgent care FINALLY, but it’s too late and they’re about to close so they tell her to go to the ER, where they keep her overnight because her hemoglobin is really low.

The next night, I can’t sleep well, because my grandma and I have to share a room and she’s so exhausted from not sleeping when she stayed overnight with her friend in the hospital that she’s snoring SO loud, and I’m sick and can’t stop coughing and don’t want to keep her awake.

Her friend, meanwhile, went to bed at fucking 7 pm, and then got up at 7 am, and came downstairs where I’m sleeping on the couch and like, apologises, but keeps talking to me. Finally after my grandma comes back down, I doze off for a couple more hours.

Today, her friend is like, since you’re cooking dinner, why don’t I buy lunch? And I don’t even really like eating out, honestly. I’m picky about what I like. And we can’t “go out” anyway, because of my dogs separation anxiety, which for me, is most of the fun of eating out. I can cook better at home. But whatever, fine. She’s like, maybe we can take your dog to the park after, since we were gonna go the day before yesterday until she had her crisis.

It’s fucking 88 degrees outside. We never come midday. And I haven’t been able to shave my legs because she’s been sleeping in my room where my bathroom is with all of my stuff, which means pants, which means hot. Anyway, we order lunch, but my grandma has the bright idea to do curb side pickup, even though they LITERALLY have a drive-thru, and despite it saying it’ll take 45 minutes or so before it’s ready. We end up having to go through the drive thru anyway because they don’t bring it out.

And then they want to eat lunch at these tables under a covered pavilion—yeah, let me eat lunch while I try to rein in my not incredibly well behaved puppy who is going to bark and whine at people and also because she wants to be in the park area. So I ate a few bites, then left, because what the fuck.

I have GOT to start being better and saying “no, I don’t want to do that” because I squash down what I want for the sake of other people and then I’m pissed and resentful and cranky, and I fucking hate being that person but GODDAMN does no one have common sense or think about other people and the logical sequence of events that will likely take place????

[terrible-tentacle-theatre]

The Bestiary Revamped: Wyville’s Crownjelly

Disclaimer: While this article is founded in scientific fact, it contains hyberbole and conscious exaggerations for the sake of comedy. Do not take my ramblings at face value. You can find the sources at the end of the article and tools for scientific fact-checking under the “Learn more” link on my blog.

The old article can be read here.

At long last, today we finally return under the waves, and while we’re at it, why not go full fucking overboard? Here at the Terrible Tentacle Theatre, we pride ourselves on not having any idea what “moderation” means. If we return to the sea, there is only one place to go: down. Way, way down.

Say hello to the bathypelagic zone, the expanse of watery void stretching from 1000 to 4000 meters. Our passengers might want to look out their windows and observe the breathtaking scenery below:

Oh no, you’ve got it all wrong. That’s not your internet being shit again. That’s genuinely how it looks, in real life, when you descend to a depth of 3000 or so meters. Nature documentaries like to put more bioluminescent flecks of organic matter in it than a love-starved grandma does lights on the Christmas tree when her grandkids are visiting. However, in reality, making a 24/7 lightshow out of yourself is a preeeeetty bad idea, since it attracts the immediate attention of pretty much everything with huge fucking teeth in the vicinity. Hint: you’ll get eaten, pretty fast. In fact, this is the actual reason why anglerfishes do their little thing with the glowing lures, because anything and everything bigger than said lures will be attracted to it, allowing the anglerfish to basically pull a “gotcha” and eat them in turn.

My point being, if you see something shiny in the deep sea, do not go to investigate. Whatever is shining that light wants you to go there.

And that is also the prime tactic of today’s specimen, which takes the incredible freedom that comes with living in a realm of eternal darkness and emptiness and uses it to fulfill it’s lifelong dream of being a goddamn Pokemon master. Come with me on today’s adventure and you’ll soon see what I mean by that.

I often joke around about how some particularly strange species we review here look like aliens. However, if aliens did decide to visit Earth, Wyville’s crownjelly (Atolla wyvillei), also known as the atolla jellyfish or coronate medusa, wouldn’t be one of the aliens. It would be the fucking spaceship.

I mean, look at this damn thing. I can’t tell where it begins or ends, but I sure can tell where the fucking cockpit is. That is not how a jellyfish should operate; they should be controlled by a decentralized nervous system, not little green men from Planet Piss Off out to steal our hotdogs and happy thoughts because their planet doesn’t have any.

Of course, the scare factor of a glowing organic UFO mothership straight out of Roswelltunguska, Arizona swimming around in our oceans is somewhat mitigated by the fact that it’s tiny as shit. Standing at a diameter of about 15 centimeters (~6 inches), it’s either not a serious harm to humankind at large or the mothership of the smallest aliens ever. I’m inclined to believe the latter.

*squeaky helium voice* BOW DOWN TO ME PUNY EARTHLINGS

AND STOP LAUGHING DAMMIT

Of course, there is a very good reason for the crownjelly being as small as it is. In the deep sea, you can’t throw a brick without hitting absolute darkness and empty water. You take two steps to the left and BAM- you’ve just ran headfirst into fucking nothing at all. The bathypelagic zone where this thing hangs out on the regular is a really food-scarce place is what I’m getting at. And big bodies being as expensive to upkeep as they are, most deep-sea creatures are actually much smaller than nature documentaries would have you believe.

Another aspect of the deep ocean besides being empty also being darker than a Morlock’s asshole inside a cave. Therefore, any light sticks out like a sore thumb, drawing attention like Kim Kardashian did with that one photoshoot of hers. (Doesn’t matter which one, actually. All of them drew attention.) Wyville’s crownjelly exploits this to show us that these particular aliens aren’t interested in meeting our leader, only in playing Pokemon Go.

The whole entire process of capturing a shiny begins with the jellyfish carelessly frolicking across the deep sea, like all of them youngster with their fancy phones and smartwatches. For some inscrutable reason, this movement is accompanied by a steady red pulsing on the underside of its bell. For what reason, I cannot determine seeing as most creatures at that depth are completely fucking blind to the color red. The one species that can actually see red is one that you really don’t want to attract the attention of. In fact, messing with this guy is such a bad idea that its existence was literally what prompted me to start writing this blog in the first place and it served as the subject of my first Bestiary article.

Wyville’s crownjelly swimming, also known as Local Suicidal Idiot Takes a Walk. I mean seriously, you can’t even say that it doesn’t live in the same place as the loosejaw because both species are cosmopolitan. The only saving throw for the crownjelly is that it lives an average 2000 meters deeper than the loosejaw, otherwise this blaring red light would be the evolutionary equivalent of putting a big flashing “KICK ME” sign around your neck.

The first method of capturing sea creatures to train them and become the very best (like no one ever was) is the series of tendrils hanging from its bell, which the jellyfish uses to filter out and capture small prey animals that have the supreme bad luck to be in its vicinity. The alien abduction parallels are uncanny.

However, a second and much more impressive weapon in its arsenal is the long, trailing tentacle that is clearly visible on the above gif. This is coated in enough adhesive to make a hagfish gag, and the crownjelly uses it to its full extent to sate its rumbling belly. Streaming in the water like the latest shit-tier waifu harem show on Crunchyroll, it becomes an effective hunting tool for the benefit of the jellyfish. Anything snared by this appendage will be subjected to similar treatment that one might expect the villains in a Conan the Barbarian movie to do, being dragged after Wyville’s ruthless motherfucking crownjelly, sometimes for minutes, before it does an acrobatic little pirouette and swallows its helpless, snagged prey. Lovely feeding tactic.

Pictured: Wyville’s crownjelly on the hunt. Sadly it can’t really go “YEEHAW” under the water. Even if it had a voicebox all it would be good for would be gurgling.

However, that is not the most unusual feature about this cruel little cnidarian. There is yet one more trick that this deep-sea flying saucer holds, a trick which catapults it from “moderately interesting predator” right into “Kanto Elite Four” position. And that thing is its lights.

See, vicious as it is towards smaller animals, the crownjelly is actually a dirty, dishonorable coward, being equally afraid of bigger predators. Apparently this tiny creature composed of somewhere around 97% water counts as a delicious treat for some reason, seeing as even large active predators such as deepwater sharks munch on it regularly. (Then again, it is also possible that they’re simply too hungry to care about their record as gourmets with refined taste. This is the desolation that is the abyssal zone, afterall.)

Running from a sufficiently large and starved predator in the middle of a flat-empty expanse of water is, of course, hopeless, especially if you’re small as shit and your method of locomotion is the jellyfish equivalent of flapping your arms really fast to try to fly. Clearly, a different tactic must be employed here since this one is a one-way ticket to the town of Stomach, United States of Shark. And employ a different tactic it does.

Oh, boy, does it ever.

I have previously mentioned that the crownjelly is bioluminescent, and employs this attribute for some nefarous purpose. Of course, this is not the red pulsing I already mentioned, this is a whole ‘nother can of worms entirely. This is one of the most ingenious methods of defense I’ve ever seen.

If some foolish predator gives the atolla chase and inevitably catches it, the jellyfish activates its second, blue set of lights. Once again the UFO analogues become eeriely appropriate as the slightest touch sends the saucer-shaped animal into a frantic siren-like light show.

Recommended listening

This strange eruption of light is no mere panic response. It is a powerful and weird weapon of self-defense, carefully evolved to be as tacky and eye-catching as possible. It’s like a ganguro girl, only bioluminescent.

Of course, you might ask “why would the jellyfish want to be eye-catching? Isn’t being devoured by one predator a big enough problem for it already?” Well obviously it is, but this lightshow is actually its own circuitous path to freedom.

To understand this, picture the following. You are some big mean motherfucker making a living in the deep sea by eating as much as you can find. One day while taking your regular stroll through the absolute crushing darkness, you catch sight of a distinct, circular light in the distance; very flashy and very tasty-looking. You approach to investigate, and find a small jellyfish being caught by a larger and meatier animal.

What do you do?

Eat the jellyfish like a fucking idiot.

Eat the meatier, tastier predator.

If you answered “eat the predator”, congratulations! You’re at least as smart as a fish. And that is, in fact, exactly what Wyville’s crownjelly is counting on. While you’re busy making a meal of its predator, the jellyfish quietly and sneakily fucks off into the abyss before you could think about having it as dessert. And so, Wyville’s crownjelly will live to swim another day, thanks to the power of summoning a big tough animal and pitting it against another ani- OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE IT’S A POKEMON TRAINER.

Do you see why I thought that? If you sail out to sea with Pokemon Go open on your phone, and all gyms on the world oceans are captured by Team Instinct, you know who to blame.

Wyville’s motherfucking crownjelly.

Sources

Encyclopedia of Life

WoRMS - World Register of Marine Species

Ocean Biogeography Information System (OBIS)

Global Biotic Interactions

Widder, E. A. Eye in the Sea, NOAA Operation Deep Scope 2005.

Hunt, J.C. & D.J. Lindsay, 1998. Observations on the behavior of Atolla (Scyphozoa: Coronatae) and Nanomia (Hydrozoa: Physonectae): use of the hypertrophied tentacle in prey capture. Plankton Biology and Ecology, 45, 239-242.

Herring, P.J. & E.A. Widder, 2004. Bioluminescence of deep-sea coronate medusae (Cnidaria: Scyphozoa). Marine Biology, 146: 39-51

[themagicnut-blog]

Chapter 10: Butterfly Kisses pt. 2

While Dad and my step-mom and sister were down in June 2016, someone had noticed a spot on dad’s back that he promised to have tested for skin cancer once he got back up north.

He was always stubborn about going to the Dr. But all of the men on that side of the family were. Plus men are babies in general when it comes to that kind of stuff.

The tests had come back positive. Stage 2 melanoma. No big deal, right? They would just remove it, and the affected lymph nodes. Quick out patient procedure. Nothing to worry about.

The procedure had been scheduled for the end of October 2016, after he had flown back up from the week he spent down here with my son and I after he was born. Of course he was nervous. Heart issues and high blood pressure run in the family, and just being in a hospital setting was enough to send his blood pressure through the roof.

I remember him telling me that they almost didn’t do the procedure because of his blood pressure. It was too high. But instead of sending him home, they doped him up with meds and what not to help bring it down, and by 4:55 p.m. he was calling me still loopy from meds, and on his way home. But they had removed everything and all was good. Now all we were waiting on was the final tests to come back and confirm it had all been removed. I was in the middle of unloading groceries when he called and really only half paid attention to what he was saying before I rushed off the phone.

Shortly after that I received a picture message of his green pee LOL He was still feeling pretty good from the meds I guess. We texted back and forth awhile before I left his last message on read.

Like I said, the communication had made a drastic change for the better once my son came along.

Around midnight I had woken up to feed Cason, and while I was scrolling through my phone a Facebook message popped up from him asking what I was doing awake. We went back and forth for a good 30 minutes cracking jokes at each other, having a serious talk about the procedure, how his pain levels were now that meds were wearing off, and as I was starting to doze off I told him I was heading back to bed and he should too

Me, 10/29/2016 12:40 A.M.: I’m gonna try to get some sleep you should too lol Love you, night night

Dad, 10/29/2016 12:40 A.M.: Soon I hope, love you

Dad, 10/29/2016 3:05 A.M.: Y u up

The worst part about that last message is that I had woken up around 3 a.m. I even briefly considered messaging him to see how he was doing before falling back asleep. And I didn’t because he hadn’t been active in almost two hours. I assumed he was sleeping. Just 5 more minutes and I could’ve talked to him again.

October 29, 2016 5:30 A.M.

*Phone vibrating out of control on the night stand*

Why is my step mom calling me? Might as well get up and feed the baby…

“Sissy…*hyperventilating step-mom* SISSY wake up! Daddy. They’re taking Daddy.”

I couldn’t understand most of what she was saying through the heavy sobs. What I got out of it was that they were rushing my dad to the hospital. They thought he was having an allergic reaction to something he had been on from the procedure just 12 hours ago. Something about his tongue and neck being swollen. I told her she needed to calm down for my 12 year old sisters sake...all she said was that we can't lose daddy...And that she would have to call me back, and to pray. Pray hard.

I had gotten up and gone to the living room with the little one to nurse him in the rocking chair. We had been having quite a hard time with the breastfeeding, but I was still trying.

What seemed like an eternity had passed, when in reality about 15 minutes had gone by, before my phone rang again.

I honestly can’t even explain what I was feeling during that phone call. I don't remember a whole lot of the conversation beyond the initial sobs and my stepmom barley managing to spit out that he was gone. They weren't able to save him. My sister was bawling in the back ground. First thing I do remember is handing our son to George before I lost it completely. And then I called my mom. Shortly after we hung up she got to the house, and more family started calling to check on me as the news spread. By 8 a.m. we were all headed to grandma's where the rest of the family had gathered. I didn't see much of my son that day. The family took turns snuggling my dad's first grandbaby as a form of comfort while I sat outside with the rest of the cousins who were also avoiding all the stories and Facebook posts. Beer:30 started around 9 a.m. that day. Right along with my cigarette smoking habit that I had given up once I found out I was pregnant.

I know, shame on me.

They ruled it a heart attack. To this day I still feel like he would be here if they hadn't sent him home so soon. If they would've just kept him 24 hours to make sure his blood pressure was back to normal and everything was alright... But you can't sit around thinking of the what if's. It's not healthy. It doesn't change anything.

Life happens. You move on.

That's what I tell myself anyway...and anyone who still asks how I'm handling my father passing.

He had plans to fly back down with my sister and stepmom on Halloween. My stepmom and sister decided to keep the flight and arrived super late on Halloween night. My stepgrandma and stepbrother came to the house to surprise them once they got here. After the long hugs and them finally meeting their grandson and nephew for the first time, I got the little one to bed and we converged on the back porch to drink a few beers and talk. Again, most of that night is fuzzy. I was feeling pretty numb at that point. George was already making my father's death about him and freaking out over how quiet I was being. Apparently my response of "he's dead. He really wasn't around much to begin with. It's life," when he would try to get to me to talk about it just pissed him off. But George knew about the relationship (or lack thereof) that I had with my father...

Don't pry.

Just leave it be.

Even when I told him I just needed some time to process things and I would talk when I was ready he'd blow up on me and it would turn into an argument. But anyway, back to the back porch after my stepmom got into town... So, were all sitting back there. Me, stepmomma, brother, and stepgrandma. My sister had stayed inside with the baby and to nap. Stepmomma started going into more detail about what happened that morning, and everyone was crying but me. At one point they had all gotten up to group up my stepmom who was full fledged bawling, and I continued to sit in my chair, lost in thought, until she got up and dropped to her knees in front of me. She apologized. She apologized for taking daddy away from me. For not being able to save him. Promised that she did everything she could, and then continued apologizing. And what did I do? I consoled her. I played mom. I told her that she couldn't blame herself. And not once did I cry. I was too angry to cry. Angry with God. Angry with the doctors. Angry with myself for all the years of resentment that I could no longer take back. Angry with myself for being so jealous of my sister for her getting all of this time with my dad, when in reality he got to be there for things like my high school graduation that she'll never get to have now. Angry that my son wasn't gonna get to know my dad, his grandpa. Angry that he was gone when things were finally getting good. After more crying (on everyone else's part) and a few more beers, everyone went to bed. More family piled in the next day and everyone started making plans and arrangements for dad's service. I didn't have much part in the plans besides making sure that it wasn't a fancy event, and letting everyone know we'd be having a fire at my place and drinking afterwards...an actual celebration. The way dad would've wanted it. And again, George managed to make it about him. I still don't remember exactly what happened...basically he pitched a fit over something stupid because he had drank to much and decided to disappear for two hours with his phone turned off. Typical move for George. By the time he got back "we were over" and "he would watch our son for the service and then he was gone." Normal banter after we fight. You know how it goes. Strike 1. And of course this was all right after he had been telling me everyday since my dad had passed that he would never leave my side and always be there for me and to take care of me.

Ha, what a joke.

He made sure to catch a good buzz the night of the service too. And instead of staying sober to help me out with our son so that maybe I could be spending some time with my family, he was outside slamming beers and talking with a "family friend" that's quite the tramp and was getting awfully friendly. He didn't even noticed when I walked up and was standing right next to him until she made it a point of acknowledging me.

Strike 2.

We decided to have one last get together at grandma's the Sunday before everyone had to go back home. And suprise, I was left to tend to the baby, while George got drunk and spent time with my family. Oh, and the overly friendly family friend that just so happened to be everywhere he was when I would get 5 minutes away from my son.

My sister can be quite annoying, and she tends to show affection through physical pain...especially towards our brothers, and my boyfriends over the years. So, she was picking on George. George decided to respond with a little bit too much force (but that's what he does, especially when he's been drinking) and ended up welting the back of my sisters leg with a corn hole bean bag...and made her cry. My stepmom got in his face about it, as any mother would. And George jumped on the defensive side quick...which turned into him leaving, followed by a bunch of "fuck you" "fuck your family" "just because her dad died doesn't mean she has to be a little bitch" and then telling me that we were over and I could bring his stuff to him and that he wanted his half of the money out of the account. At this point he sounds like the adults in Charlie Brown any time we fight. Wah wah wah wah But this was the 3rd strike. Because now you've officially shown your ass in front of my family. And what did I do about it? Excused his behavior. As always. Jumped to his defense. And as usual, by the time I got home things were fine. My stepmom and sister left the next day and they didn't even acknowledge George before leaving. Not that he left the bedroom for them to do so.

[taehcns-blog]

henlo everyone !!!!!!!!!! my name is clove, i’m eighteen, use he/him pronouns, & i’m your resident boy group enthusiast™ hittin’ the tags to bring you my precious angel hwan taehan ! he’s genuinely a mf puppy and all he wants to do is sip on lattes, wear cute clothes, & stare at boys bc he’s waaay too awkward & innocent to approach one whoops !! either way, you can read more about him below so have fun & if you wanna plot lmk !!!!!

( tw. ) ─── depression. death. homophobia. underage sex. typing errors.

001. ooookay gang, this is gonna be v messy and i apologize in advance, but i wanna get this up so i can start writing with all of you sweetie pies, kapeesh ??? anyway ─── taehan was born in the jinhae-gu district of changwon city, south korea. his parents owned and operated a restaurant in the area for 8 years prior to his birth, and even after he was born, the two of them kept their business up and running for much longer !!!! he spent lots of time becoming acquainted with customers, their children, and being almost the face™ of the restaurant, and he adored all of the attention he got ! he wasn’t a shy kid, and often made friends v easily so he was well-liked, and his parents felt almost too lucky to have a son as handsome, sweet, and friendly as he was !!!!

002. however, as he got a lil older, his family was beginning to realize that he was different. unlike most of his friends growing up, he was clearly a lot more feminine than them, and he loved things that not many little boys did at his age. instead of working on the family car with his father, he much preferred to bake things with his mother. he liked playing with dolls, his favorite color was pink, and whenever the neighborhood boys and him would play, he’d always taken on the role of the princess, or the mother, or the ‘girlfriend’ whenever they’d get involved with all of that. both mom and dad kinda shrugged all that off as a phase and didn’t necessarily wish to change their child in anyway ─── after all, he was their pride and joy, so to them, he was still v perfect ... however, it wasn’t like that for lots of others.

003. all of the people that once adored him would now try to ruin all the fun he had, and his parents were p much pissed about it tbh. whenever he’d be running about the restaurants with his dolls, some customers would take them away from him and say that dolls were for girls, or that pink was a girl color, etc. and it began to leave a sour taste in all of their mouths. taehan was beginning to question literally EVERYTHING bc like, he had never once been told that he acted weird or like a girl before ... and it kinda fucked with him ??? like what did that even mean ya feel ??? it was then when he began to ask his parents tons of questions about how he acted or how he was naturally, and they had a hard time explaining to him that some people were just mean and didn’t understand him and that helped him feel better about all of it, but apart of him after that always felt weird. 

004. in school, he thought he’d thought that he’d make tons and TONS of friends bc everyone seemed to like him around the restaurant and his neighborhood. he got along well with girls, but lots of the boys were mean to him; calling him names, treating him bad, and overall, making him feel even more like an outcast than he already did. whenever he’d go home and tell his parents about what was going on school, they would do their best to talk to his teachers, and the principal, but none of them really did anything to help the situation. however, after years and years of him enduring all this bullying, his family decided it’d be best to just relocate elsewhere. their restaurant wasn’t doing too well in the area anymore, and they wanted bigger, better things, so they packed up all their things and moved to seoul, which is where his mother was from initially, and he was excited to be near his grandma, who he always had a wonderful relationship with !!!!!!

005. however, on the drive over there, his family was involved in a car accident that, unfortunately, ended up killing his father. sick with grief, his mother, and himself, didn’t think that life would ever be the same. their move to seoul was now in a different light ─── instead of setting their sights on bigger, brighter things, the two of them moved in with his grandmother and built themselves a new life from scratch. his mother worked the dry cleaning and seamstress business that his grandmother had owned for p much all of her life, and it was a rough time all around tbh. although still a resilient child, he longed to see his dad once again, but he knew that that would never, ever happen... and it made him v sad. his mom never really bounced back from all of it, and even after years had passed, she’s still grieving in her own way. however, life went on, and things got better, but with age came a ton more complications in taehan’s life ... and he often longed for the time things were simpler when he was with his mom and dad at the restaurant in jinhae-gu.

006. in middle school, he was often a wallflower and an outcast, and many of his peers didn’t necessarily feel the need to hangout with him, and it sent him into a bit of a downward spiral. once puberty hit, he began to understand why so many people thought of him to act like a girl in lots of ways. he’d look at boys and stare at them longer ; often liking their appearances and figuring out that girls didn’t make him feel that way whatsoever. he’d often talk to his mom about it, and she said it was normal, and that nothing was weird. she had a good friend when she was younger who liked other men, and she was understanding of all of that. even though at home he felt safe, he became worried that others would bully him if they ever found out the things that were on his mind, so he never confided the truth about himself to anyone ever. he didn’t want his life to be ruined, or to be embarrassed. however, in high school, things seemed to look up for him... but not for long lol rip.

007. he met a boy that he like high-key had a crush on ... and out of the blue, the two of them began to form some sort of friendship. none of it was too serious or whatever. they were kids, and they were just having fun and stuff. however, the more time they spent with one another, the more that taehan was FALLING for him real hard and like ..... all he could think about was the other boy, and he wanted to be around him all the time, and he’d get v jealous whenever he’d choose other friends over him, etc. and it all get low-key messy. so, he asked his mother’s advice and she told him that it may be best to tell his friend how he felt, so the next day, he did just that... but it didn’t end well at all. see, at first his friend said he felt the same way, and one thing led to another and they began to kiss and mess around... however, his friend had his webcam on while they were in his room and recorded everything ... and it got around the school and his friend was exposed as a total snake bc all of this was a dare from his other friends. i hope that made sense lol. needless to say, taehan was totally MORTIFIED and refused to go to school after that ... and his mother felt v bad

008. after that, he spiraled into a horrible depression ... and his mom sent him to a therapist that she’d been seeing for the last few years, and he was prescribed an anti-depressant. the first month on the meds were absolute hell, and his therapist was there to guide him all through it ... but once that trial period was over, they helped level him out a lot ... and he knew there were lots of things he still needed to get over from his past and his present, but he liked that he didn’t feel like ending it all whenever he got into his depressive episodes. to this day, he still takes his meds and sees a therapist, and he’s glad for that. he switched schools after that and felt a lot better, making more friends, and graduating with lovely grades to bring him to his loving and supportive family !!!!! now, he’s going to college and studying business, much like his father, and hopes to reopen the restaurant that his family had at one point in time ... as well as maybe venture into the world of fashion. 

009. he’s still living at home with his mom and his grandmother, and they love him to bits, but whenever he saves some money, he does wanna try living with a roommate or by himself to see what all of that’s about !!!!!! he’s just a simple boy going through life and figuring his shit out, y’know ???

( connections. ) ─── lots of friends tbh. they can be whoever. he trusts women more, obvs, but he’ll be happy with any male friends, too. they’ll help kinda bridge the gap of men he has in his life. potential romantic interest. pls you’ll give me all the fluffy feels that i need to BREATHE ok. this can start however and we can build it up from scratch, or have them be friends that slowly fade into a couple idek. i just neeeeed it. the dude that fucked him over in hs. this could be ANGST city but i kinda want it if anyone’s down lol. a female friend he may have used for a beard at one point / bff. c’mon... think of the CUTENESS. they can be v protective of one another and affectionate with each other, and they’re basically soulmates, but they’re in no way attracted to each other so they’re just bffs. anything else tbh hmu with any ideas !!!!!!!

[21-11-98]

잘하고 있어, 화이팅 ♡

I didn’t want to be dramatic but shit it feels real. I’m twenty? Damn... I grew up to be horrible and I doubt 13-year-old me would feel proud or happy to see the me now. Things were reaaally hard and it felt like I was going through things I should’ve if I were 30 or older but age really doesn’t play a part in this and difficult times can come to you at anytime, any day to anyone, really. Every time I ask myself “why does this happen to me,” I tell myself either “worse things happen to other people” and try to understand and go through it or “What the fuck? My life is the worst” and be selfish as fuck, forgetting about everyone else’s feelings, and putting mine first. I really have to mind my language but rather than me lacking of vocabulary to express myself, it’s more like I’m having no words that can explain this “phase” that I went through.

I starved, I was exhausted, I didn’t have time for friends and had to put them aside, I was scared, I was lonely, I was frustrated, I over-worked, I defied, I lied, I had to do things against my will, I had to control myself, I couldn’t do anything about the situation, I witnessed, I felt people looking down on me, I felt people pitying me, I felt like I had to be blamed for certain things, I wanted freedom, I was stuck, I embarrassed myself, I cried in public, didn’t feel like I belonged, I was angry, I said things that hurt people, I was constantly moving, I was jealous, I didn’t know how to say ‘no’, I kept apologising, I owed, I felt like I had no one, I had no space, I kept falling ill, I became someone I told myself not to become.

My family, the police, the loansharks, the authorities, the managers, the family who lived next door under a roof, the guy upstairs, the guy who talks like he owns the world, the shit Wi-Fi, the small space we squeezed in, the friends who has everything, the places I have slept at, the guys and their never-ending smoking cigarettes, the guy who gets high, the guy who I raised my voice at, the guy who ransacks through our stuff, the lecturers, the people who had and didn’t have faith in me, the guy who asked me if I’m okay, the guy who I cried in front of, my immune system, my bank account, the people who cried for our unfortunate events, the people who couldn’t bear to see us going through it, the people who were there when I cried, the people who tried to fight for my good, the couple who’s always fighting, the people who tried to find a resolution, the people who gave me resolutions, the guy who gave my stuff away without permission, the guy who has a place to stay, the one who talks more rather than doing it, the one who is trying to give my brother advise but is not doing it, the person who re-arranges my stuff without permission, the person who can’t agree with how I do stuff, my aunts, my uncles, my bosses, my colleagues, the estate agent, my classmates, my group mates, my schoolmates, the people who accepted that I kept moving due to the good location, the people who don’t know the fact that I stay in a common room with the 5 of us squeezing together, the person who I told to seek therapy, the caretaker who is taking care of my grandmother, the people who had it worse than me, the people who found out that I degraded but kept didn’t say anything bad to me, the people who are going through pain continuously, the people who had to accept the fact of a person’s death, the guys who were interested in me for a second, the guys who wanted to make friends, the guys who suddenly stopped talking.

It really goes back to EOY 2014. After I had a break up, I cut ties with almost everyone and wasn’t even active on social media. This was probably a personal problem, which wasn’t even a serious matter to be upset about, but one thing for sure was that my depression back then was real. I probably didn’t know I had depression but looking back, I think it was – maybe a minor one. It really drained me so much that it even sucked my self-esteem and confidence that I had so much in secondary school. You can say that I was really outgoing in secondary school. Thus, I was the opposite when I entered poly. In poly, the critique and presentations were never-ending and of course you need confidence for it and I don’t remember having and while doing it. I skipped so much lessons that my lecturer told me off about my attendance.

It was then that I couldn’t even go home when I want to and needed updates if it was safe to come home. There’d be a group of guys screaming and banging at our door. It was terrible and really terrifying. It was traumatic and I still get anxious sometimes when I go out. It was worst if I was inside the house. So if I was outside, I would hangout at this neighbourhood bakery/cafe, slightly further from my house and wait until my mom tells me that it’s safe for me to come back home. And yes, that was when I had a place to call home. I couldn’t imagine how terrifying it was for my grandmother, who used to stay with us at the house. I was actually thankful that she has poor hearing. Despite her poor hearing, she could actually hear the knockings and asked about it. So we had to lie about it. Construction works, door-to-door sales. I don’t think she was that gullible to believe us. Back then, she was aware of everything, unlike now. We had to bear with the banging and yelling for weeks. We couldn’t even switch on the TV with the volume on. There wasn’t Wi-Fi and the channels were just local TV. Our bills for cable and Wi-Fi got cut off, the electricity and water went off a few times too and I had to call both of them to have more time and get a date to pay off our debts, even though we didn’t pay it back at the promised date. And things just kept happening to us. The banging and yelling was due to my dad’s company failing to win over a project and yes he was the owner of it. The company already bought the materials for the project, thinking they got it and it was thousands over dollars. He probably spent some of the money on us too. However, another Chinese company took over the project and the loans that he took turned into debts. He had to resort to loansharks to pay for the debts. I’d be lying if I didn’t blame my dad for the situation now. He was partially responsible for it but he was really working hard for the family back then. I was living comfortably back then and I didn’t realise it till unfortunate hits me. He had to declare himself bankrupt and my mom rented out the house to pay for the debts.

My brother got himself into some trouble too. I am thankful that he has repented now but the things he does back then was so extreme for me to witness. I mean, I didn’t witness anything besides the police coming over to our house. The police came to our house for two cases on the same week! How can a 16-year-old girl not be traumatised? Throughout the night, the police stayed, from about 12AM to morning at about 6AM? Not so sure. I was just joking around with my sister getting midnight snacks and suddenly there were people knocking and greeting at the door. My sister and me immediately went inside the room, cuddled up, pretending to be asleep. I remembered leaving the door open so I saw my grandmother walking out, making her way to the washroom. I was so afraid she would open the door but then again, I was thankful for her poor hearing. She probably heard the knockings but pretend to not be aware of what’s happening. That night, my brother kissed us to sleep and told us to take care. I remember him crying and hugging my parents for so long. I didn’t have a good relationship with him because of the stupid stuff he do now but thankfully we’re good now~ He stayed inside until the police went off. My parents brought him to my aunt’s place and he seeks shelter there for days. He is really thankful for my aunt and her family. She has a big heart and without reluctance took him in for shelter. He still talks about this every now and then and can’t forget about the deed she did for him. We continued staying there even without Wi-Fi for weeks. My aunts and uncles actually came over to our place despite the situation and even witnessed the banging and yelling of the loansharks. I was so embarrassed and of course everyone pitied me but that was what I hate. I hate being looked down on and people sympathising me but I had to be sympathised for.

My aunt suggested me to pack and stay over at her place. At first I was thinking will there actually be space for all of us to fit in? There were 6 of us; they have 2 plus my aunt’s family. That’d make it 11 of us staying in a three-room flat. But we managed to stay there for almost 2 years. The five of us, stayed in a less than 30m² room. During the 2 years: Initially it was my grandma and Isleeping with my aunt and my cousin. My parents, my brother and my sister slept in the small room. And then my brother moved out to my other cousin’s place. And then my sister moved out there too. And then I moved in to the small room with my parents. And then my sister came back after we bought a double-decker bed. My sister and I slept on top and my parents slept below. Before that, we were all squeezing below with a mattress and if you’re unlucky you could sleep on the cold hard floor.

I always had projects and submissions so I was always awake till late. I am more of a night person anyways. I had to have a big space to do models so I did my work outside. I need a good connection to watch shows on my laptop so I had to do it outside. I was always being told off by the woman next door to keep my volume down when it wasn’t even loud and it pisses me off. I couldn’t do anything because i had nothing! I had no money to move out or a place to do my work. I remembered suddenly seeing my toothbrush in the bin… out of all toothbrushes. Why did she even have grudges against me? Also my aunt told me off for always sleeping late and told me the cause of my runny nose is sleeping late. But I understand that because it was for my well-being, but I was sensitive then, and so I moved in with my parents at the back always remembered to download the shows in school before i came back home so I could watch them at the back, in our room with the poor signal. I had to bear with that for 2 freaking years! I am so thankful to my aunt for letting us stay over but the people next door were really testing my patience.

My grandma’s legs were getting weaker and weaker so she needs assistance and guidance whenever she needs the washroom. Of course I had to stay awake, alert and had to wake up every time she needs the washroom. Even at the holiest times like 3AM or 4AM and she always wake up really early. I was there for her even before the 2 years, even at our old house, but I’ll always be in debt to her because she practically raised me! I love her so much and I’m always thankful and sorry… I couldn’t do anything for her to have a house… I’m still so young and penniless and that made me frustrated and sad. It was almost like she got kicked out of the house with us… I will never stop being sorry to her.

I remembered in 2016 while we were staying at our aunt’s house two weeks before my trip to Korea (which I worked my ass off for), she was hospitalised after she fell and it was partially my fault. I can’t stop blaming myself whenever she fell but really… I hid the fact that I wanted to kill myself. Until now, it felt like I was to be blamed for her being confused and unaware. My mom was frantically calling out my name but I didn’t go out immediately. She tried to get a grip of my grandma but she tripped. My mom was holding on to hot coffee to serve her and of course, she couldn’t help my grandma to prevent her from tripping. A day after, her arms felt hot and swollen. Maybe the fall had made the gout “activated” and we brought her to the hospital. She was hospitalised for days. I was on the look out at night to accompany her till the sun down every night, except one hehe. One of the days, the doctors reported that her calcium was too high. They gave her medications to bring the calcium down but it made her so cranky and weird… I was so scared. It was early in the morning at about 8AM, when my cousin who was a nurse at the hospital, just ended her shift and bought me breakfast. Luckily, she was there with me. My grandma kept saying she wanted to go home and to just kill her rather than staying there. My cousin was there to assure me that it was just a side effect of the drugs but of course I was still in shock. I really wanted to cry, and to add on to that I didn’t have enough sleep and had work later that night at the movies. I really hope it wouldn’t happen again. How did the words come out from my sweet grandmother’s tongue? A few days later, her condition got better, though she was partially unaware, and got to be discharged. My flight was on the same day of her discharge.

I worked so hard for my trip to Korea at the cinema. One of the reasons I had the money to fly off there was. A year ago, when I was working in a cafe, I worked hard just so that I have enough money to go to Korea. So I had enough money covered for the flight and accommodation. I worked at the movies so I can earn money to go for shopping. I worked so much but the rate of my pay was $6.50/hour exclusive of CPF. I went for work after school; sometimes I get to only go home after 3AM. Even after my trip to Korea, I stayed because my colleagues were nice to me and i had a really amazing manager. Which soon left because a new manager came in and he couldn’t get along with her. Not so sure why I still stayed after he left but I stayed. I was so broke, I should’ve left earlier and find a job with a better pay. I was wronged one day and the managers decided to suspend me for a week. To this day, I still felt wronged and not sure why I was punished with a suspension, it wasn’t intentional or a crime. Their decision to suspend me led me to quitting the job. I was actually fired because I didn’t go for work a week after suspension but beats me. I was working there for over a year and they didn’t take my side or believed me. I did not regret my decision then.

While I was working at the cinema, I actually had another part-time job with my sister. She was the admin of it and she introduced me to it. I really liked it and the pay was good. It was a pizza making workshop for kids, sometimes for students and older people, but most of the time for kids. It was really easy, I can either host, assist or/and bake and clean up before and after. I just need to prepare for the next workshop and clean, mop, sweep. That’s all. I only worked there for half a year and then I got fired for the pettiest reason ever. My boss and my sister couldn’t get along and he fired me? Since my sister introduced the job to my cousin, my boss fired her as well. She was just about to start working and was already cut. It was so unfair and petty.

While I was working at the workshop, I was also working at a kindergarten every Thursday and most of the days at a karaoke. I applied for the job at the karaoke right after I was cut off from the cinema. Unexpectedly, I got the job and am still working there right now. It has been a year and 4 months now to be exact. The kindergarten job was easy. All you had to do was to teach them science with scenes and stories and materials prepared beforehand with the cute kids! but it was difficult for me to commute as it was in the north and I am not familiar with the area. I was only able to work there for a few months because they had a class, which I was unable to attend to, and I didn’t hear from them afterwards. So I actually had a point of time when I was doing 3 part-time jobs at a time. Actually, I had two. I did Deliveroo while working at the karaoke and teaching science at the kindergarten. Currently, I am working at the karaoke and assisting with the workshops that my cousin holds every weekend. My job shows how broke I am even when I am a full-time student.

In December, after I came back from Japan, our estate agent who helped us rented our house told my mom that there was a 3-room flat that is being rented out for a few months for cheap. It was really cosy and I was really happy to be able to stay there. It was a few months of happiness in the east. My brother continued staying at my cousin’s place as it was easier for him to commute to work but he still comes over the east to hang out. During the period of time, my good for nothing uncle apparently got a divorce and has no place to stay. So he stayed with my brother at my cousin’s place. We had the place until end of April and our short happiness ended. We had to move to a place and we moved in with my brother at our married cousin’s place, in a small room estimated about 36m². My uncle had no choice but to sleep outside, as we were moving in into the room. According to my brother, he was hardworking with the housekeeping chores when it was only them staying there but ever since he had to sleep outside, he’s a mess. There was once when he took my sister’s phone and my sister knew right away because there was no one else in the house at that point of time. There are also times when he would stare blankly and stayed in that same position for a very long time. Of course I was and still am scared and unsafe to know that someone like that is staying in the same house as me. There were also times when I was preparing food during Ramadan and he was taking pictures of me from afar? I was so bummed out but I still had to continue preparing it. My sister assured me that it was probably to send his girlfriend (ew) but it’s still not right? It’s so weird and uncomfortable. Help me…

The guys staying here are extremely heavy smokers and smokes a lot everyday in the living room. It’s so strong that even when I slightly open the room door, I could smell cigarettes. Bless my lungs and my respiratory system… Again, if I had money or if I were older with a proper career, I would’ve already moved out. It’s too much smoke for me to handle. My breathing is at risk! My health is involved. Five guys smoking in a space, probably cancerous.

Staying here made it difficult for me to be organised and find for stuff. It was the same with staying with my aunt the last two years before staying in the east. It was due to the limited space that we had to use the second floor of the double decker bed to store our clothes… and the rest of my family members had to sleep on the floor.

It is slightly better now but I’ll never and I should not forget what I had gone through the past years. There has to be a day I’ll be successful and tell my success story too, right? If there was, I hope to bump into this memo.