#everything had to be horrible for everyone

[leashybebes]

queer feelings - 8

one | two | three | four | five | six | seven

Apparently Alannah was serious about being friends. Buck's more relieved than he can say when she messages him a week after their date and says, operation: more queer friends is a go. wanna hang out with some freaks and weirdos? do you like board games? also you said you bake, right? bring cookies they'll love you forever.

Before he can reply, she follows up with kidding, they'll love you anyway.

Maybe it's that wording, or maybe it's the standard Evan Buckley eagerness to please, but he goes a little overboard. Shows up at Alannah's place with six batches of cookies (one gluten free, one vegan, one vegan and gluten free, one oatmeal raisin, one chocolate chip, one white chocolate stuffed raspberry), and a box of cupcakes. He's nervous in a way he hasn't been for years when he juggles his boxes to ring the bell.

The door is opened by a tall woman with a perfectly round afro wearing a green jumpsuit. She looks him up and down, takes in the baked goods, and says with a smile, "You must be Buck."

"Uh, yeah. Hi."

"I'm Asha, the roommate. Come on in, everyone's out back."

Everyone turns out to be seven people, crammed into a small backyard, standing around or perched on mismatched indoor and outdoor furniture. Seven pairs of eyes turn to look at him, and Buck feels exactly like a kid in a new classroom on the first day of school.

"Buck!" Alannah says, jumping up from where she's sharing a lounger with a tall older woman with a punky haircut and a nose ring. "You made it! And you brought…a whole bakery."

The tease feels gentle and Buck grins and lets Alannah start pulling boxes out of his arms, making appreciative noises as she does so. 

"The cupcakes oughta go in the fridge," he says. "Buttercream."

"Jesus, you can come again," a guy with long dark hair and big brown eyes says, popping up out of nowhere next to Alannah. "Hey, I'm Shawn."

"Hey, good to meet you. Evan Buckley, but everyone calls me Buck."

"Ooh, love that, it's so butch."

"He is extremely butch, Shawn," Alannah says fondly. "Buck's a firefighter."

Shawn's eyebrows go up. "Oh, damn. That's hot. What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen someone totally accidentally get stuck up their butt?"

"Shawn," Alannah says, gentle warning in her tone.

"Professional curiosity," Shawn protests, then turns his attention back to Buck. "I'm an ER nurse."

"Oh, cool. Well, I once pulled a tapeworm out of a guy?"

"Shut up, that's awful. Tell me everything," Shawn demands. "Actually, wait," he amends, grabbing a cupcake. "Come tell Liss, too, she loves this kinda shit."

Buck finds himself being pulled into the small crowd of people, exchanging smiles and greetings. It's great to meet you, he says, again and again, and he means it every time.

He tells the tapeworm story to Shawn and Liss, exchanges contact details with Paolo and Asha who want the recipe for the stuffed cookies, gets dragged into debates and conversations and good-natured bickering. The night passes in a haze of games he's never heard of (Camel Up is a lot of fun, he is horrible at Chameleon, and he kicks absolutely everyone's ass at Downforce), great pot-luck style food, and because Shawn and Carmella are teetotalers, some really good mocktails once Buck cuts himself off after a couple of beers. 

He winds up designated driver for a few people, and it turns out Paolo lives just a couple of streets away from Eddie's - from Buck's place. They agree to go on a hike the next time they're both free and when Buck gets home he collapses into bed with a grin on his face. He can't remember the last time he had such a busy, fun night with so many new people.

His phone buzzes in his hip pocket, and he pulls it out to see he's been added to a group chat called gals, gays and affiliated parties. He wonders if he should send a message but before he can, a flurry of them come through: hey, Buck! Hi, Buck! Welcome! Hey, great to meet you! Hey, new guy!

Buck clutches his phone tighter and smiles, smiles, smiles.

[deramin2]

I've talked before about how Critical Role is highly political because they as people live in the world, think about it deeply, and respond to it in their work all the time, even if it's sideways in subtext.

And so I think it's vital to understand that there is a fundamental divide between the context the characters in the Mighty Nein vs. Bell's Hells, and Campaign 2 vs. Campaign 3 were created in: the COVID-19 pandemic.

The Pandemic started mid way through Campaign 2, but the broad themes, tone, and narrative approach were already set. They'd defined the kind of threats they wanted to face.

Campaign 3 was created after we'd been living in the Pandemic for years and when it was clear our leaders and society at large had decided to "solve" it by completely ignoring it and denying it's still happening. Public health response in general started to be turned against and then dismantled. All the hope for change in the face of the horrors of 2020 turned to ash. There was no amount of harm the entrenched systems of power could do that would get people to turn against it.

In fact, it got worse. The last few months of Campaign 3 were played out in the shadow of the United States electing a known fascist promising to implement openly oppressive policies to rob everyone but cishet white abled Christian men of their rights and lives. Their city of LA literally burned down in the middle of the finale because these horrible people have prevented even basic climate change responses.

While Hasbro/Wizards of the Coast increased its iron grip on the TTRPG industry and also showed they'd hurt any independent creator for money. As the Pandemic and trade wars made the whole industry more unstable. All the joy and success WotC’s games have brought to Critical Role come with the strings that WotC gets to decide everyone else's fate. Especially if they're seen as a threat to that hegemony. If anything, it's the love and comfort that actually feed that terrible power. While Critical Role established their own TTRPG publishing wing and is increasingly going toe to toe with WotC.

So like, no shit they'd want to explore a whirlwind fight against the gods that came to their world from WotC. And the complexities that good vs. evil is not a useful framework for this fight. Sure you try to stop people you know will be even worse, but that doesn't mean that the existing system is good and that those who have the power to control everything should retain that control.

Politely persuading the Powers That Be to step back and be mortal like everyone else instead of all-powerful overlords is a conflict resolution power fantasy. Not every battle needs to be with swords. Violence can only ever destroy. Words are far more effective at actually rebuilding something worth living in. Even when you can't possibly know what that something is.

Change is necessary, and if it doesn't come soon we're headed for another Calamity. The past checks on that power have not worked, and it's clear that structurally they can't. We have got to do something else. That's terrifying, and maybe it'll fail, but it's unlikely to be worse than the current times we're living through.

[sylver-drawer]

This is why I LOVE his evil/sl*t arc in season 2. His default without his soul or spirit is someone who is selfless and kind, someone who will risk himself for the sake of others without a second thought but one of the key themes of PTT as it goes on is that not everything is as it seems, and the ‘characters’ Drosselmeyer created are so much more human and beautifully flawed than he intended. My favorite part of Mytho over the course of the story is him regaining his humanity, and not just his emotions—but his ugliness as a human as well.

Prince Siegfried was someone who was never selfish, someone who would sacrifice himself again and again for others without a thought and as he regains his emotions you can see his original doubts and worries that he had smothered to be the perfect Prince peak through—how he resented his own weakness, his unhealthy determination to be a hero for others even at the detriment and beration of himself that it’s honestly really sad and cruel when you dive into it. When he’s fighting against the Raven Blood, he’s constantly saying things like “leave, foul Raven” when all he’d really done was display a desire to be loved selfishly. On one side of the coin he was a selfless prince who loved all, but deep inside there were parts of him that wanted to be loved back by all as well, and that isn’t a cruel or ugly feeling because it’s natural as a human to want love to be reciprocated!—but to Prince Siegfried who believed he couldn’t desire anything in his heroic pursuit, the simple thought of acting for the sake of receiving was probably so horrible and imperfect that he hid it away until the Raven Blood drew it all out and forced him to confront these desires. Why else would Raven Mytho only target those who admired him from afar, but never Ahiru? Because Ahiru has always honestly shown her love and care for him. For everything he gave, those he loved would not dare step forward to truly love him, but when his negativity is emphasized by the Raven’s blood, he can’t find it in him to hurt the people who have shown personal love and care back—being Fakir and Ahiru. I fully believe the Raven Mytho arc helped him come into his true humanity at the end—that he was a Prince, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t human, and that he could be selfish and the true route to a happy ending was never to sacrifice himself, but to push through as he is for the sake of others and his own well being and self respect. Loving all would be perfect, but loving without respecting and accepting your true self and your flaws won’t benefit anyone. The whole story his rebellions kept building up, his refusal to follow orders or what he was ‘meant’ to be or do and it finally crescendos at the end when he allows himself to be selfish and choose to love one person more than everyone else. It’s his true, real act of selfishness, but one he actively choose that defies every perfection Drosselmeyer wrote him to be, and in the end what shows how far he’s come in becoming a true human rather than a fairytale.

Rewatching Princess Tutu and yk how a lot of people think of Mytho as a character with no personality? I'm thinking that might not true at all even before he gets his heart shards back. He's lacking a lot of things but one thing he doesn't is kindness, something I think is his biggest and most important trait. Spraining his ankle to catch a girl who trips, diving out a window to catch a baby bird, even something simple like closing his book to give whoever is addressing him his full attention (Ig this one is more manners tho huh?)? He actually has to be instructed to stop being a hero bc the minute he is out of Rue & Fakir's sight he wanders into helping others. I REALLY like that we get to see him stripped down to his bare essentials because of his missing heart and almost wish we'd gotten one more episode of him completely shardless bc it doesn't last long (I wouldn't change it fr but just a thought)

With how indifferent and passive Mytho usually is, you'd think he'd watch a blaze go up and drift right by it but no! He'd rush in the minute he suspects someone or something is inside and it's part of the reason Fakir is so strict about where he is bc Mytho is a professional self sacrificial lamb (lack of better phrasing). Another thing I noticed abt him before he gets a shard is that he had a habit of rebelling in little ways, he is really obedient when the order is something to be done immediately, "Dance with me" for example but the minute he gets a longterm instruction like "dont wander off" he just...doesnt listen. Fakir is constantly running after him bc he'll just decide to be at an empty school at the crack of dawn or in the fucking woods. After Tutu starts collecting the shards for him he becomes more complex in thoughts and actions but those things never really change and it's so intriguing to me.

Fascinating boy I love him🥰

[the-life-of-a-herm]

Warning for discussion of infant mutilation, and single use of the h slur(though in name), and talk of genitals, thought I'd share my story as a tfem intersex person.

I was born with what I guess could be classified as a pseudopenis. It was small, it didn't work, and it was more than wonky looking. But it was there, and it didn't seem to cause me any problems. CAH is fun(sarcastic).

I could have been camab, I guess. I even have prostate tissue. But my parents wanted a baby girl. So it was taken from me, and while i was raised as a girl at first, it became clear that despite my period, everything else about my puberty was wrong. They switched teams then, and treated me like a boy, because everyone else did.

I'm still seen as a man "wanting" to be a woman, even by my parents, who wanted that baby girl. I will never be cis in the eyes of the cis. I will never be trans in the eyes of the trans. Too much of one to be the other. I will always be "other".

When intersex people made our own terms to describe our experience(that being AGAB/CAGAB), they were taken from us. Historical, cultural labels meaning intersex have been changed to include or mean transgender. Labels like tfemmasc and its variants were taken from us. There's people who identify as a label based on hermaphroditus's rapist, because we told them they couldn't transition to intersex. So when we're told to "make up our own terms", what do you want us to do? We tried.

Beautifully put together story.. If all these people stopped caring about their little tokien intersex people who agree with them on discourse and started listening to more intersex people (as a whole, not bias sampling) then I truly think they'd see it better. But oh well. Willfully ignorant people just want to spread harm.. its horrible.

uhm but lets not add this on a sad note! I do believe genuinely in social change. If I didn't this would be a krapopolis blog! The people who do this extreme intersexist stuff are a minority, I know it's hard to see but they are. The rest are able to be educated and are not willfully ignorant to our issues because they want to uphold the sex binary.

This is why I reply to intersexist things when I see them. Even if the person had 1000 active followers, I don't care. Because regardless, I don't want for a second for people to think they're safe in a little bubble where they can support our oppression. And there's a chance of somebody reading it, looking at one side who just goes "nuh uh" and the other who has more reasoning behind it, and becoming more educated than they'd be if they just saw the side of somebody telling them what to believe. If any of that makes sense. Calling things out is a crucial part of social change, and I have faith in my heart one day it will pay off.

Much love, anon!

[l0s3rd0wnt0wn]

"NO FUN TO FEEL LIKE A FOOL"

(It has been plotting on this for a while. I hope you like it. I was listening to Kali Uchis while writing this, and I feel like it fits so well with what I'm going to write. I hope this works with your request.)

You're not a violent person; you don't think you are. You're not an angry person either; you don't think you are. You're not angry, you're not violent, you're not mean, you're not cruel, you're not any of that. But when push comes to shove, you can be a little bit scary and a little bit crazy and a little bit right and angry and cruel. So now you're sitting in a bar, drinking your sorrows away with a bottle of wine--the most expensive one you can think of. You still have his credit card, which means you can blow his money on almost anything, for till this card is maxed out. Even if you already did destroy his car and the garden and almost everything in the manor, you still haven't done enough--not nearly enough. He was going to feel your pain, whether he wanted to or not.

Let's rewind and think about what happened tonight. You and Bruce had an ongoing relationship, the longest relationship he's probably ever had. You two were meant to be, said all the newspaper headlines. You thought it was true. He was so sweet, charming, and handsome. He was all of that, and out of all the women in the world he could have chosen, he chose you. He made you feel special; he loved you the most out of all the women he's been with and cut them all off just to be with you. You traveled around the world, eating food from places you'd never even heard of, spending time with his lovely sons, Little Dicky and Jay. They were like your boys; they could do no wrong, no matter what Alfred says. Dick calls you Mrs. Wayne, even though you and Bruce aren't married, and Jay likes to call you "Ma." He said it by accident at one point, but you just rolled with it. Yeah, why not? You are this boy's mom, taking him out to movies, helping with schoolwork, fixing his ties, and sometimes helping with his shoes. Once, the boys gave you a Mother's Day card, and you were about to cry with pure joy.

It wasn't long before Bruce told you about his deadly secret of being Batman. He never told anyone--anyone except for you. He trusted you, and that's all you wanted and all you needed though you did cuss him out for putting your boys in danger. He assured you that this is what they wanted; they wanted to be Robin. And who were you to put them down? If they can handle it, they can handle it. Except Jason couldn't. Hearing about his death made you crumble. Your baby, your boy, that sweet ball of joy, was gone. And when Bruce brought him back to Gotham, he was still in that stupid Robin suit. He didn't die as Jason Todd; he died as Robin. You were practically bawling at his funeral. You spent most of your time in his bedroom, cuddling up with his blanket--the one you tried to knit for him. It was horrible; twine poked out from the uneven stitches. You ran out of red yarn, so you started using blue, and it didn't really mix. He loved it nevertheless. You got better at your craft and tried to replace it for him, but he said no. He was a stubborn boy--your boy, your son.

But you had to pull yourself together. Appearances matter. Be the best you can possibly be. Be strong for Dick, be strong for Alfred, be strong for Bruce--everyone who's watching on national TV. Try not to burst out into tears because your little boy was gone. Then Tim came along, and you wouldn't have it. You couldn't have it--no way another boy was going to die in that suit. But it took a lot of persuading--so much that you allowed it. You weren't Tim's mom, and he told you that many times before. He wouldn't let you help him; he wouldn't let you do anything for him. Actually, it was like he was trying to prove how tough he was when he wasn't. You'd seen that too many times before with so many other boys, especially your Jason. But you let it slide just this once.

But now you weren't going to let this one slide. You came to the Batcave just to see it decimated and Tim bloody body on the floor, his Red Robin costume almost destroyed. The culprit of this mutiny was a little boy who looked an awful lot like Bruce. The only difference was his tan skin and bright green eyes that looked almost unnatural, and his hooked nose. And at that very moment, as you hold a bloody Tim in your arms, you realize something: Bruce Wayne was cheating on you. You thought this could never happen to you. You moved around the room, lost and confused. He announced himself as the blood son of Batman. What the hell? There's no way, but there was a way. Around Jason's death. While you were mourning, your lover went off and sought solace in another woman's arms.

And when two adults love each other very, very much, they make Damian Wayne. You're pacing the floors; your mind is in disarray. Do you cry? Should you scream? Do you beat the hell out of that little boy, for throwing Tim off the ground twelve feet in the air? You're going crazy, and it hurts. There's a deep pain in your chest, and it hurts so much, and this boy looks like he's 10 years old. This means he kept this a secret for 10 years--10 years of your relationship, 10 years of your life. He kept that a secret. You're breathing hard; your chest is aching. Hot tears prick your eyes. You just might cry. No, you're crying as we speak. You feel like such an idiot, such a fool, such a dummy to not have noticed. You ask Alfred; he knew nothing either, so it wasn't just you who was being lied to.

Oh, that sadness and rage. And with rage, you know exactly what to do. Grabbing a baseball bat from Jason's bedroom, you go outside, smashing a billion-dollar car into bits, destroying the Batmobile, vandalizing it with makeup, and destroying almost every single picture that holds the memories of you and Bruce. You drive back to your house, gather his shirts, boots, shoes, and everything, putting it into a big pile. You ask Alfred for gasoline, then set it ablaze. When the rage finally calms down, all that's left is tears.

So now you're here at a bar, drinking wine and crying your eyes out. "Excuse me, ma'am." You lift up your head to see a tall man with soft blue eyes and a soft tan. He had the sweet smile of a country farm boy and held out a handkerchief. His hair was a mess, like he woke up late and didn't have time to fix it. He pushed up his glasses so he could see you better. Just like that, you remember you weren't just a regular woman crying in a bar; you were a model, an actress. You wipe your eyes, fix your dress, and take the handkerchief from his hand, wiping away the messy mascara. "Thank you," you said with a breathy laugh. "Anytime," he said with that sickeningly sweet smile. You were lost for words.

Ok SO it would be really skibidi if you were to write a neglected reader Drabble but instead of reader being a daughter what about reader being Bruce’s wife. And during there marriage they were really unhappy because Bruce obvi has no time for them and the batkids are all traumatized and don’t wanna let anybody in there hearts so there bullies. And of course reader is a nice as person and tries and fails but finally they leave. And eventually find a new life with the Kents. Now if you’re not into this or if I’m doing this wrong feel FREE to correct me I won’t be mad. And also have a spectacular rest of your day or night.

[sageshouldknowbetter]

DYLAN G NATION HERE’S HOW WE CAN STILL WIN

So… people have already pointed out that Lumon Industries’ LinkedIn posted this after last episode. In what I assume is a new Milchick reform (like how he gave everyone the opportunity to resign in S2E1), innies have more direct contact with their outies when they file a resignation request. They can cite specific grievances, some of which are definitely sketchy and reveal a bit more about Lumon than I think they should gamble. (“Why the devil does my innie working in what I was told was HR feel enough ‘shame,’ ‘despair,’ and ‘fear’ to kill himself? What are they doing down there?!”)

But that’s not the important part. The important part is that at the bottom, we see the outie has the right to confirm or deny the resignation request. That’s right: if Milchick is following protocol, then when outie Dylan wakes up in the elevator, it’ll be HIS responsibility to decide whether Dylan G is done just yet.

Unless Milchick is really, really fed up with everything and just tells Dylan that he’s fired and should go home (which I suppose is a possibility), Dylan will have the opportunity to deny his innie’s resignation request — and he has every reason to do so! He’s not just going to go, “Well, there goes my competition!” and happily skip out the door!

If he asks Gretchen what’s up or even thinks about it for five minutes, he’ll realize his innie trying to kill himself probably means his wife rejected him. And even if it didn’t, his innie wouldn’t request to end his own existence if he had reasonable belief he would see Gretchen again or had a deep romantic relationship with her! And even if he didn’t think of THAT, he’s a grown man with a family to feed! He needs this job, because he can’t get hired anywhere else!

I’m not sure why Apple would post this if it was completely irrelevant. So I predict — and I am fully prepared for this to age like raw eggs in milk — that Dylan, if given the choice, will deny his innie’s resignation request and just go in the elevator again. (That would be awesome for fans, but horrible for Dylan G — imagine being so heartbroken in an already torturous existence that you try to end it, and not even being given the bodily autonomy to do that. Helly can.)

The only reason I see for this not happening is that Cold Harbor’s imminent completion somehow means MDR won’t be necessary anymore — so Milchick was going to fire Dylan anyway and just doesn’t see the point of giving him the request in the first place. But even if the request denial doesn’t happen, I think Severance is way too good to end Dylan G’s character arc like this.

He’ll be back again… somehow. The sun (crappy fluorescent light) will shine on him yet again.

[philosophywizzard]

Oh nothing, just thinking about Snape when he first entered Hogwarts, all bright and full of light, possibly the shortest boy in his year because of not being fed well and lacking the probiotics he needed to be big and strong. Messy hair, tired eyes, slightly hollow cheeks, Narcissa almost fainted when she saw him up close for the first time, a crooked, bent smile, almost too reluctant to be considered at ease, and extremely sickly skin.

This little boy, only eleven, tutored seventh years on the hardest potionology homework. This little boy, only eleven, wondering why numbers look odd to him, and why counting or visualizing is even harder. The little boy, only eleven years old, probably tasted pudding for the first time ever, wearing soft and comfortable clothing Lucius gave to him, and shoes that actually fit his feet.

This little awful boy with a mouth so filthy and filled with harsh cusses that scared his new friends away. This little boy, only eleven, trying to understand why everyone believed he was gonna turn out bad in the future. This little boy, only eleven, slowly realized that Lily was getting other friends. Better friends.

This little boy, only eleven, wondered why those two boys didn't want a thing to do with him, no matter how friendly he tried to be. This little boy, only eleven, probably stood in front of a mirror and poked at himself, sniffling, whimpering, trying to hold down his nose so it wouldn't look so big, open his eyes wider so they wouldn't squint so much.

This boy, now fifteen, and everyone has been proven right. This boy, now fifteen, because of something that was his fault, is alone. This boy, now fifteen, knows how it feels to be heartbroken deeply, but it took hurting someone he said he cared about for him to understand.

This boy, now with a dark mark, scratches absently at his skin as others flaunt their mark to their friends and boast about becoming Voldemort's right hand. This boy sees a Black with short hair seated in a corner, scowling at his mark with subtle uncertainty. This boy understands that look. But doesn't try to change a thing.

That awful boy from Spinner's End really must have deserved everything life chucked at him. Death, despair. For the choices he made, and the choices made for him. For the life that was planned before he even knew how to walk.

This man didn't die a hero, and he didn't die wanting his name to be burned into history. He was selfish. He was horrible, mean, and hurtful. He was flawed so much that it repulsed the people around him.

Why did he have to end up like that? A fear of a child? A snapper, a loser, a hopelessly grimy man? Others went through the same but didn't end up like that. Others had good outcomes, but for some reason, that awful boy grew into an awful coward.

The little boy. That boy. That man.

He was meant to be like that from the very beginning.

[ghstfoam]

It Keeps Us Dancing by The Family Crest as Eliotté and Faustus. is this anything

slowly turns to you

youre the worst /pos. I think you'll enjoy this

//wynncraft spoilers

My Eli,

I hope this letter reaches you soon. I’ve just arrived in Thanos a few days ago—my first break since leaving Efilim. As usual, they’re wearing me down out here. Actually, I’ve been assigned to handle a dragon of all things—can you believe it? I was only tasked with moving her egg, but still, being so close to a creature like that was quite the experience.

You’d like the people here. They’re full of energy and definitely loud, kind of like Tasim and Aledar. I miss them. I miss you.

The city itself is nice, though the heat makes me feel like I’m a piece of metal in the blacksmith’s forge, constantly being tossed from one task to the next. But the food—it makes it all worth it. I’ll have to bring you here sometime, just for the food. As lovely as this place is, I don’t think I could stand another night here.

[The end of the paragraph is hurried, as if Faust was called away in the middle of writing]

I’m lost. The cliffs around me keep shifting, and I haven’t figured out their pattern well enough to find my way out. For now, I’ll just keep heading east, following the sunrise. There has to be something that way. I’ll make it back to you.

I made it to Bantisu, though I’m currently stuck in bed. The monks here insist I rest, which, honestly, isn’t the worst thing—it’s giving me a chance to write to you. I had to carry a tourist, I think, up the steps before I arrived. I tuned them out pretty quickly—typical complainer, you know? After that, I was brought to their hospital, and I can’t say I mind being in a proper bed again. It’s comfortable here, and the breeze is cool and refreshing. You’d love it. It feels free.

I’m so sorry. I owe you an apology for all the things I’ve never been able to say. There’s so much I’ve kept hidden from you, afraid of how you’d react, afraid of how you’d see me. I can’t keep it from you any longer, I need to come clean about everything.

Tasim left because of what he saw that day in Elkurn. He saw something, and he didn’t want me to tell Aledar about it, so I lied. I lied to everyone, including you. I couldn't tell anyone, he asked me not to, I’m so so sorry. My spells, haven’t been right, not because I couldn’t master them, but because of the corruption. It got to me, the corruption has been altering them and it’s killing me from the inside. I can feel it every day, and it terrifies me. The people disappearing, used as experiments for the golems, I could have stopped Dr. Urelix. I chose not to. I didn’t tell anyone, and I let it continue. It’s for the best, it has to be. There’s this elf named Lari. I can’t shake the feeling that everything that’s happened, everything that’s gone wrong with Gavel, is because of her. If she’d stopped holding onto her pacifistic ideals just long enough to act, we wouldn’t be stuck in this mess right now and I’m just trying to clean up the chaos she hasn't been able to fix. Orphion made me pick. Do I kill the mayor or Dr. Urelix? I killed him. The mayor. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone. But it's for the better of the people. Orphion supports me. I had these horrible visions of what could happen to you if the decay reached you. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you, so I had to send you away. I know it was wrong, and it tore us apart, but I couldn’t risk you getting caught in this. I couldn’t let anything happen to you.

I'm exhausted from these visions. I keep seeing fragments of the past, and I can't tell if it'sOrphion or something else. Each one is worse than the last—families torn apart, lives destroyed. People I couldn't save. The mayor, Dulluhan, you, all in their place. I can't stand it anymore. The warden, the prison, three months of endless torture before I finally escaped. Maybe I should've stayed. The warden's right—maybe I deserve all of this. You should hate me for what I've done. I should've died in that mine. But I'll find my way back to you, even if all I see in your eyes is hatred. I have to see you again.

[The letter ends abruptly, the bottom of it torn and smudged with ink.]

[amalthea-13]

Addressing Reblogs/Comments

Recently this post of mines went semi-viral??? I don't know how to describe it, but I had some reblogs and comments I wanted to address or add onto. I will be tagging each individual.

Addition #1: Cheating is perceived as worse than Domestic Violence (By:@@autismjester)

I hope I am pulling from the correct comment. At the moment I am a tad off so I am trying to be sure I credit everyone in this post. When it comes to the conversation of "cheating" I am a prickly ass motherfucker.

I have watched people in my life be cheated on and therefore I do take it very seriously. However, my big issue with Stolas Antis is their demonization of Stolas for "cheating" when even the show acknowledges that Stolas did not in fact cheat.

Stolas: Andrealphus, cheating implies there was a betrayal. This woman never gave two shits about me or our very much arranged marriage. As far as I'm concerned, this divorce is far overdue.

However, people are more worried about the fact Stolas cheated, rather than the fact he is very much being physically abused.

"Amalthea you can't prove it! There is no proof!"

That's laughable and all it takes is one GIF from The Circus to prove my point.

In this scene, Stella backhands Stolas and it is implied it was meant to make impact. Stolas manages to catch the hit because he is so used to being abused.

We also have to keep in mind Stolas is incredibly isolated from most people due to Stella's bad mouthing and on top of that she consistently demeans him to keep him from seeking anyone better than her.

Stolas is physically abused, but no one cares because to them "cheating is worse" when in my opinion as a kid I rather my parent cheat than abuse my other parent. Cheating leaves damage, sure, but I can learn to trust again and grow, but abuse leaves lasting scars that may never heal.

Addition#2: Stolas didn't have to leave, Stella wouldn't leave. (By:@kitty-meow-meow-83)

Kitty here raised a great point about this entire debacle and- Stolas couldn't really leave. Hear me out, the castle, everything belongs to him and Stella just utterly refused to leave.

While we're talking purely physical things, but everything Stolas owned and cared about was in that home. Why the FUCK should he have to give that up to his fucking abuser? Like genuinely I don't see why people want him to "leave" when it clearly is his damn house. He shouldn't have to leave, but Stella made it extra hard to get rid of her.

Addition #3: Stella likes to Torture Stolas (By: @autismjester)

Stella: I like tormenting you. I want to keep reminding you of what you did.

Jester here raised my favorite point and it's that Stella enjoys reminding Stolas of how "horrible he is". She enjoys and takes pleasure in his pain. She enjoys watching him struggle and cry and hurt.

There is a reason she calls him "terrible in bed" or "fucking embarrassment" or "scrawny twig ass" or "pathetic fucking man". All things she said about him to her friends while Stolas was only a few feet away.

The entire point is making Stolas feel inadequate to make herself feel good. Stella's favorite activity is tormenting Stolas with how awful he is purely because she find amusement in his suffering.

This is something that is casually glossed over so often, but is so important to understanding Stolas and Stella's dynamic.

Addition #4: Stolas couldn't leave. He couldn't fight back. (By: @caldella)

Caldella piggybacked off my point about the fact Stolas does not have any resources nor anyone to really turn to if he really did leave.

Stolas has nothing and no support system. Not even Blitz functions as a solid support system atp.

However, Caldella's words really struck a chord with me when they pointed this out;

"Like the whole Mastermind episode had a lot of metaphors for not only how LGBT+ parents are considered lesser in court cases etc. but also how determinedly abusive people build up a narrative against the victim and prevent them getting help."

A whole narrative and idea was built up against Blitz to get to Stolas and sadly Stolas had to play into the narrative to clear Blitz's name. Stolas utilized his privilege to protect him and anyone that discredits that will get a damn foot up their FUCKING ass.

Stolas had no way of defending himself. There was nothing left to do but play the part that the cornered him into. Sadly, there was nothing that could save him. He had no time to think or fight back.

Conclusion

I do not have very much to add. I just thought these people deserved a proper response. I know @cute-little-fly made a great response to me "The Stella Dilemma" post, but I really didn't know how to puzzle piece it into here, but please know I did read it and found it rather compelling! It just didn't fit into the list of things I wanted to discuss, plus talking to much about Stella is nauseating for me.

I do hope all included in this post like the responses/me building off them. I try my best to get back to you guys, but I do not know if i can repeat this in the future due to how hard it was this time around. If you want me to elaborate on anything please use the ask box.

Thank you all for your support.

Toodles! Amalthea Out!

Tag List:

@larryisnotagirl

Want to be in my tag list? Send in an ask!

i understand that stolas was in an awful situation but when people criticise the cheating aspect in helluvaboss its not because they want men to stay with their abusers its because they think stolas should have left. stolas sleeps with blitz in his anniversary dinner and when blitz jumps out a window and his cheating is discovered he immediately asks for a divorce. the issue isnt "men need to be loyal regardless of how awful their partner is" the issue is the original situation in s1 was complex but it seems to get brushed under the rug because stella sucks.

stolas was in an awful situation. he truly felt trapped with no where to go and it didn't even seem like he even had anyone to confide in but the way the reveal happens makes it seem like "cheating is wrong but stella is a bitch so its ok" bc stella sucks but she doesnt put out a hit on stolas until after he very publicly humiliates her.

Reading shit like this makes me physically ill. My stomach literally churned at this shit.

The cheating doesn't FUCKING matter when you're being BEAT BY YOUR FUCKING WIFE.

THE MORAL PURITY RHETORIC YOU ARE SPOUTING WILL GET A VICTIM OF ABUSE KILLED, IF NOT WORSE.

Cheating is OBVIOUSLY fucking wrong. Do you REALLY need an adult show to fucking tell you to not cheat on your spouse? Do you really need your fucking hand held that bad? Are you all, as a fucking audience, that fucking dense?! Are you genuinely UNABLE to engage with a piece of media beyond the surface level and have complex moral conversations!?

The thing you all seem to miss is Stolas did not love himself enough to leave. That's the problem.

That man did not love himself enough to leave, but he loved Octavia enough to stay.

Stolas is willing to be made a fucking laughing stock, to be publicly humiliated to keep Stella's wrath at bay and ya'll are more concerned with the fact Blitz fell out a FUCKING WINDOW!?

I- This cannot be the hill you are willing to die on. This cannot be the bullshit ya'll spout.

Stolas was in an impossible situation. He has no friends. He has no family. HE HAS NO ONE. Stella SOCIALLY OSTRACIZED THE MAN and you're saying he shoulda just left?

Blitz gave him the PUSH to leave. Stolas would have killed himself before he left what are ya'll talking about!?

Sure, Stella may not fucking call a hit on Stolas till AFTER the cheating, but she still PUBLICLY makes fun of how he is in BED while the man IS A FEW FEET AWAY. Again DO YA'LL WATCH THE DAMN SHOW!? Do ya'll engage CRITICALLY or STUPIDLY!?

I usually don't have to fucking insult peoples intelligence to prove a fucking point, but you gotta be as sharp as a fuckin marble to boil the entire situation down to "cheating is wrong but stella is a bitch so its ok".

Stolas didn't fucking cheat. Sure, by legal and vow standards he did, but cheating implies a BETRAYAL. Stella never loved that man. She actively makes fun of him, it is implied she hits him, and on top of that she calls him a "twig" and a "fucking embarrassment" and yet ya'll're stuck on the fucking cheating still?

As a kid who watched ACTUAL fucking cheating happen in my own FUCKING home, what Stolas did was not fucking cheating. That woman never loved him. She treated him like SHIT and ya'll are so hell bent on the fucking cheating because what? Stolas chose himself?

"oh but poor Via" As a former fucking Via, the girl will FUCKING live. Stolas had to get the FUCK away from that bitch.

Because yknow what, Stella isn't just a "bitch" she's an ABUSER. A FUCKING ABUSER.

WHAT PART OF ABUSE DO YOU PEOPLE NOT GET!?

IN THIS FUCKING SCENE, STOLAS IS SO FUCKING USED TO BEING BACK HANDED BY THE BITCH, HE CAUGHT HER HAND WHEN SHE WENT TO FUCKING HIT HIM, FUCKING REWATCH THE CIRCUS.

DOES A VICTIM NEED TO DIE BEFORE THEIR DESPERATE SITUATION IS RECOGNIZED AS A DANGEROUS SITUATION!?

...

But that's what you all want. You want him to be your tragic lil victim. You want him to be some tragic, sad tale... and because he isn't... he is not a "victim".

He is anything but a person to you all...

Any victim of abuse like Stolas is apparently not sympathetic enough for you all to actually care about victims.

Gods I'm gonna be sick.

[tadc-harlequin-au]

"- A Dark, toxic showtime AU, where Caine stalks an escaped Pomni and makes her irl existence a living hell in every way possible, so she'll have no choice but to go back and be entirely dependent on him"

OH! I HAD A SIMILAR CONCEPT!

But, this is in Harlequin Au

Like, Pomni somehow manages to escape her "new programming" imposed by Dark!Caine and then escapes from that cursed mansion and gets lost in the Circuit City, D!Caine literally loses his mind over this and starts hunting Pomni all over the city with Bubble.

I had given up on this, because some concepts would stray too far from the "rules" of the Harlequin universe, there were some inconsistencies here and there, so I just left it aside hahaha, but here are some ideas:

The main cast is not in Madness, they live their lives "normally", but Pomni meets them in the same order as Canon

Ragatha was obviously the first, sheltering and hiding Pomni after she found the panicked Harlequin running away from the "shadows". Pomni would explain her situation to Ragatha after a few days, and the Mannequin promised that she would protect Pomni (let my girl dream)

After a HORRIBLE confrontation with D!Caine and barely escaping, Ragatha decides to seek help, it wasn't easy, but she managed to get a small misfit team

In fact, some only agreed to participate because it was better than being loose in the city and having the risk of seeing a certain Puppet Master, very powerful and completely insane, who was destroying everything and everyone in his path

But, slowly they started to sympathize with Pomni and with each other too

JasterDoll would be kind of canon, but strictly Platonic, neither of them is willing to get involved in anything in their current situation

Kinger and Queenie practically adopted Pomni and when Ragatha isn't taking care of Pomni they take care of her, hawk parents, Pomni's mental state improved a lot with them

D!Caine did Bubble-like marionettes to scour the city, they are called Watchers (yeah I didn't have much creativity here lol)

I had more concepts, but I've already talk too much

EXCUSE MEEEEEEEEEE?!??!?! OMG...... OMG.... If you don't wanna work on it that's fine but this is kinda interesting...... 👁️👁️

This man is insane he needs to be jailed (prisons cannot hold him actually, the gang should.... you know.................)

[zxlofttt]

long rant

Genuinely what is wrong with me I know i have mental issues and I’m a person so it’s “okay,” But in my case it’s fucking ridiculous and embarrassing. I shouldn’t want to stay in bed all day and just rot. I shouldn’t just want to sleep my problems away. I feel like I’m trying but at the same point I don’t know what trying really is. I can’t do this anymore, the way I act genuinely sickens me. I hate myself, I hate my body, my attitude, my addiction, my style, my head, everything. I wish I don’t hurt everyone I touch. I wish I was gone. I’m probably dead already, I’m not alive I’m just existing. I feel like a zombie, I feel trapped in my own flesh unable to breathe, to get the air that I need. I have this hole in my chest that won’t go away. I feel as if I can only feel okay by cutting. And that by itself is a horrible thing. It’s like a fucking cycle, I feel bad, I relapse, I feel worse, i relapse, and it keeps going on. What the fuck is wrong with me, I know that temporary solutions don’t do anything in the long run but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what I’m even supposed to exist for. Is my only purpose to suffer? It fucking feels like I’m just a toy to be played with until I wear out. I get thrown away when no one wants me. My meds don’t work, it feels like the doctors are using me as a fucking lab rat. Like I’m some sort of toy. It’s a game of trial and error I guess. It’s fucking up my brain and I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do anymore. I’m in slow motion, I’m too depressed to do anything. I feel dead. Nothing is fun anymore; I don’t have any motivation, I can’t focus in class (resulting to bad grades) I just wish I wasn’t this way, I wish i wasn’t born in this fucking body. I wish I could switch my brain out to be a normal person. I don’t know why I attempted at eight. What was going on was better than this. I should’ve been grateful for what I had, I should’ve treasured it because now it’s fucking gone. I lost my “childhood” at a young age due to my fucking mental health. I hate myself. I fucking DEPISE my soul itself. I beg for God to help me, ask him to take the pain away; I’d do anything. God hates me and it fucking shows. He trapped me in this body, this mindset, this fucking hole that I can’t get out of. I can just hope to claw my way up to the surface, no matter how much I bleed and get scarred, I just have to make it up there. I have to be free again i hwve to make it up there just one more time I need to be happy please I’m fucking begging you I will give my life to be normal again please

[luigixfanxayjay]

Very important update + What's next

Hello people. I'm aware that I should not be posting due to my last post, but I want to clarify what had led to that post and what I'll be doing next. I'm sincerely sorry to whoever I have worried. This is moreso a vent post, so please be weary of that before you continue on. To all of my followers and fans, please read through this post if you can even if you've unfollowed me. To anyone even, please take the time to read this.

Tags for those who may want to see and respond (I do not intend to rush! Whenever you're ready!): @peaches2217 @megamagimugi @dayseedrawz2 @mariocartoon85 @sylveon-056

TW: Mention and topic of society. General mental health topics such as depression, anxiety, phobia, trauma, gender dysphoria, burnout, self-hate and others. Self-neglect.

TL;DR... I am in dire need of comfort with my mental struggles. Interact in any way besides DM to comfort me and tell me I am loved. Reblogs of this are heavily appreciated. I will not post a whole bunch for now as I am taking it easy. Reblogs will come back with the tag #aj reblogs

The Vent

Thing is, I'm really not okay whatsoever. As of the past year and a half, I've been going through especially severe mental health struggles. This past two weeks, it had peaked horribly to the point I have consistently been unable to function properly. I haven't been brushing my teeth and I haven't been showering as often due to mental exhaustion and possible depression. My self-hate has risen to an unbareable point to which I can't do anything without mentally beating myself up. Even reaching out right now feels as if I'm manipulating, and that is not my intention. I've developed a crippling phobia of society due to being exposed to various drama going around, and that has led me to begin to recluse and that was what led me to closing everything with my account. Traumas relating to bullying and separation hasn't been bidding me well, I have had various flashbacks and reminders that hurt like hell each time. Anxiety and oversympathy have gotten to me, making me unproportionately worry and feel bad about everyone I know and care about. I am drained. Nobody my teen age should ever have to go through what I am dealing with upfront. My complete loss of optimism has just nearly led me to become unconsoleable, but I have came up with an idea with the last glimmer of hope I can muster.

This has been the worst mental state I have been in for years, and I am in dire need of comfort and simply just the reminder that everything will be okay. Please do whatever you can. I am only comfortable with giving comfort in the comments section, please do not direct message me to get the message out. If you want the comfort to be private, send me an ask and I promise you that I will see it and acknowledge it. If you're willing, please reblog to spread my message so that as many willing people can give me as much consolation possible, even if you're just a stranger coming across this. Encouragement will help my brain eventually understand the message and will help me kickstart my optimism and motivation to keep improving my mental state. To those who help, thank you. Anything as small as a click of the heart button shows that you care about me. Then again, thank you. Now, onto what I will do with this account next.

What Will I Do Next?

I am still indecisive on whether or not to post, but for now I garuntee that:

- I may not post as much. I am pushing my very hardest to move past my fears of bullying; I won't be going back to super frequent posting immediately because I want to be efficient. I am taking my journey a step at a time, and I will not listen to anyone telling me to hurry it up. With my school grade finals coming up shortly, I will also be busy with that.

- I apologize, but I will not unprivate any of my previous works. They are outdated and many of such I now dislike. Please do not ask for them to come back.

- Reblogging of things I enjoy will begin again. I may provide more feedback and insight than I used to to prevent people from believing I am stealing art. And, to organize and conveniently delete reblogs I no longer want public, I will put reblogs through a designated hashtag: #aj reblogs

As a token of my appreciation for helping, being patient, and/or reading through my incredibly long message, here's this artwork I have made the day of posting this. Thank you so much for understanding my message, and I wish you a wonderful day/night. In every way do I care about you. AJ, signing off for now. ❤

[magpod-confessions]

I don’t even know what it is about Martin, but I absolutely hate his guts. Like there’s nothing he’s explicitly done to warrant my hatred, but his vibes are just rancid.

He plays dumb and makes other people sympathize with him. He’s all like “I’m sorry 🥺👉👈 I’m trying my best, I just want to make you proud” you’re a grown man, stop acting so incompetent, don’t play the victim for normal criticism from your manager. (And yes, I’m talking about Jon. There is no way Jon decided to use Martin as his punching bag and yelled at him all the time, was he likely harsher than necessary? Probably, he was probably kinda rude and passive aggressive, but he definitely didn’t yell at Martin. You can tell how surprised Martin was when Jon yelled at him about Trevor Herbert, that was likely the first time Jon ever raised his voice at him.)

And here’s the thing, I feel like I should like him, I grew up having to be a caretaker for my mother, so I feel like I should be able to relate or understand him, but I just… don’t. In theory I can understand that Martin is manipulative because he had to be to his mother, I can understand that, but in practice, I cannot sympathize with him at all, and just kinda hate him.

Also he just feels very ableist to me, he gives off the impression of someone who always knows what’s best, would tell someone with depression to try not being sad, would tell a disabled person that they’re just not try hard enough, will always play the victim, especially if the other person is “mentally unstable” or something. (He’d be one of those caregivers that constantly demeans his patient, but everyone would call him so “strong” and “supportive” for dealing with them)

I always hate the interpretation of Martin that he’d be so great and caring and understanding to Jon, as if he wouldn’t 100% just tell Jon he’s not trying hard enough. I mean that’s half of season 5, just Martin telling Jon he’s not trying enough, not trying to help enough, not trying to be happy enough, not trying to be human enough. I’m pretty sure there’s not a single time that Martin tries to understand Jon and where he’s coming from. He’ll try to force Jon to say what he’s feeling, but he never actually cares to understand.

If Martin wasn’t doing his weird Lonely arc thing in season 4 he would have been right there beside Melanie and Basira telling Jon that “actually, all you have to do to overcome addiction is to stop being addicted. It’s not that hard.”

Anyways, sorry for such a long rant, also to be clear, it’s not as if I just sit around and gnash my teeth thinking about how much I hate him, I just wanted to get this off my chest. If you enjoy Martin as a character more power to you, I just can’t stand the guy.

If you want🗣️

YEA I DEF GET THIS Oh my god ok I. I like him. He fascinates me. He is a fucking cunt whos very bad at understanding how other ppl feel and thinks he knows best and this is SHOWN in s5. I like him a lot but goddamn he has FLAWS. SO MANY GOOD GOD. The fandom ignores it and it pisses me off so much bc theyre all so quick to make georgie jons horrible ex who didnt understand him for some reason WHEN NOTHING IN CANON SHOWS THAT BUT EVERYTHING SHOWS THAT MARTIN EASILY COULD FILL THAT ROLE. Sry anyways this is a frequent annoyance lol - rosette

[local-neighbuorhood-goblin]

okay, so I'll preface by saying that im not good with words, but @/deadandwalking 's comment made me really wanna ramble about jonah SO

SPOILERS FOR ALL OF TMA

basically, everyone i think (hope) gets that jon wasn't all that much to blame for the eye-pocalypse, having been stringed along the whole way through.

in mag 200, we hear that the web decided on the eye as its fool, its way out. and while it's not clear when, i doubt it was anywhere near the present, cuz while the web surely must be one of the newer fears, but that hardly means anything by our standarts, people have been paranoid and scheming for a while (one exaple out of many: the french revolution's fallout)

so I'd say it's safe to say the scheming of the web has already been present when jonah magnus came around. originally, just a guy interested in weird stuff who learned about the fears from smirke. and obviously, he was curious, which eventually led him to the eye. however, from smirke's letter (mag138), I'd say it seems he was hesitant, at least, to embrace it for a while. and we do learn he is afraid of death, another reason why he might be driven to the eye, outside of the curiosity.

now. even as og jonah, he still did horrible things. he did hlrrible things as elias. he perfected the watcher's crown and saw it through. it's not my goal to say he didn't or that he's innocent.

HOWEVER. i can't help but wonder. how much of that was out of free will? arguably, free will is a pretty abstract term, so lemme return to jon as a comparison. did he read Mister Spider because he wanted to or out of the web's coercion? hard to say, but even if he chose freely, it would be like deciding on what to have for breakfast and then being told the eggs you chose just doomed the world. and you could say that about many of his choices.

SO. how much did jonah really have a choice? because the eye was most probably part of the web's plan by the time he joined it. he barely knew anything about what it really is he's dealing with. he thought he's on top of his game. but was he really? or was he just another pawn, afraid of death, craving to know more, and thus stringed along to serve the greater plan? i doubt any of that truly matters, but i just like to wander how much he really had a choice, how many of his choices were simply due to him being just another doomed researcher. not to mention he's spent over 200 years on this. alone. without a single person to turn to in times of need, without anyone that could talk him down. completely isolated. the perfect target.

somewhat related, i like to think about what it was like for him at the panopticon. he does tell jon he's just had the most wonderful dream. but did he really? would he even admit if he didn't? hardly. it would mean he was wrong, that all of this was a mistake of unprecedented proportions. it's more a hc than anything, but i like to think he didn't. that it was there he realized just how wrong he was. that it was a little personal hell, where he simply had to observe the consequences of all that he dedicated himself to achieve for over 200 years. and think. about all he sacrificed, everyone and everything he lost, and how it was all for THIS. and that it's why he doesn't really resist when jon comes to kill him (i really don't count what he says as resistance, sns lul). because for as much as he fears death, this existence is much MUCH worse than any fear like that could be.

if you read this far, ily, and id love to hear your thoughts, cuz damn do i love him (onligatory brutal pipe murder mention at the end lul)

[tojad-lisi]

There's something wrong with you.

(Or alternatively: Evu's terrible, horrible day of december 15th)

This wasn’t the first time evi4 died from a simple push-punch. You’ve heard that they do that quite often.

This wasn’t the first time evi4 died right in front of you either. Blue killed them the other day by accident when you were just hanging around spawn.

Accident.

Yeah, that’s probably the best word to describe a lot of evi’s deaths. This one was an accident too. You just tried to push them away from Mari, before anything bad happened, when suddenly the void creature in front of you turned into a small explosion of different items that were clogging their inventory.

You froze as the weird tingling from your left paw crawled up your arm, straight to your chest and quickly spread to the rest of your body. You’ve kind of got used to consuming hearts, but this was different - like an ice-cold lightning followed by a pleasant warm wave.

This was the first time you’ve killed someone in this world.

This was the first time you’ve understood why anyone would enjoy killing.

In every other world you’ve been to, the most you could get out of a fight was just pure satisfaction from a win and maybe some material goods your opponent had. It wasn't really your thing though, you always preferred doing anything else but fighting.

This was completely different. There was something about that experience that woke up a feeling hidden deep down in you. A craving for more. More blood. More kills. More hearts. More of whatever made you feel this kind of pleasure.

But-

That was wrong.. That's not who you were. You weren’t ever supposed to be here in the first place, so how- why-

You gasped desperately for air when someone brushed against you while picking up items laying all around the ground.

You shook your head and looked around nervously - not sure how long you've been standing there and just realising you were holding your breath this whole time.

Thankfully it must've been just a couple seconds, everyone seemed to be in close enough proximity to where they've been standing before, besides the ones collecting evi’s belonging.

Everyone was acting as if nothing happened, gameshow participants were just coming back from the short discussion break, and everything was about to continue according to plan.

You tried to pretend everything was fine too. It’s normal for evi to die accidentally.

It’s normal to kill on this server.

It’s normal for everyone else here so you shouldn't be overthinking this too much either.

Everything was normal. Everything was fine.

Deep breaths. You were fine.

You tried to focus on the questions again, but you wouldn't guess the answers even if you tried. The constant ringing and buzzing and echoing of thoughts in your head wasn't making it any easier.

The best you could do now was pushing it all behind a mental door and wait until you’re alone again.

Or maybe you should just leave early.

You started weighing the pros and cons, thinking of a good excuse that wouldn't cause anyone to question you too much, when new notification showed up in chat.

BlueTheSquirrel joined the world.

A distant light in pitch-black night.

You tried to hide your smile when looking down at the communicator, but even just a chance of seeing Blue made your heart a little lighter. Now you had a reason to stay longer. This mesa was quite far, but with nether roof travel it shouldn't take them long to get here, maybe a couple minutes. Just in time for final questions.

Three. Five. Seven. Ten. Ten minutes.

You kept looking at the clock in the corner of the screen, slowly losing hope they were even planning to come here. You wouldn't blame them, it was already late.

While Void was sharing the final scores, you glanced towards the nearby portal one more time. You had to squint eyes to recognise a crouching figure on the hill, but it was just Ace - what was she even looking for there?

You sighed quietly and opened your communicator. You hesitated for a second - maybe they were busy and you shouldn't bother them now - but sending a simple “hi” ultimately wouldn't hurt. Worst case scenario they’re just gonna ignore it.

The second you pressed enter, your ears were hit with high-pitched whistle of arrows and ten new death notifications covered your whole screen.

You felt a warm drizzle from the side, followed by strong metallic smell.

In the corner of your eye you saw piles of items in the midst of quickly coming down red mist, but you didn’t even think twice before you jumped off the tribunes. You had to get away from here, from everyone, as far away as possible.

You ran.

You ran, even when you couldn't feel your legs anymore.

You ran, even when you couldn't catch a breath anymore.

You ran until you hit an ocean shore.

You might've stopped there, but your heart was still racing, as if it could physically jump out through your throat and continue the run.

You sat down- fell down, as your legs finally gave up, and pulled your knees up to your chin.

Why.

Why did They do that.

No, that wasn't really important right now, and you could probably easily guess the answer.

Same reason as for most of the murders here. Except no one has done it on such a big scale before, but it was bound to happen.

There was other question at the back of your mind, but you didn't like it.

You looked down at your paws, still shaking - one was stained with bits of evi4’s weird void remnants, the other with everyone's blood.

How did it feel like?

You grimaced at this thought and buried your head deeper behind your legs. It was impossible to deny that you liked how you felt after The Thing, but it still felt wrong.

You didn't feel guilty or unjustified. You were even gonna give evi basically everything back except for the heart. You didn't feel bad at all, but still…

You fell on your back and looked up at the night sky. You could clearly see all stars from here.

There was something wrong with this world.

There was something wrong with you.

But it was already too late to leave. You had to figure out how to adapt and deal with all of this.

[purgatorygrl]

God I was watching this part of the story and my heart broke when I saw how incredibly sad Arthur looked. I mean, it's totally logical. The bank robbery had gone horribly wrong, his greatest father figure had died, Lenny who was probably like a brother to him and he loved had also died, John who was a brother to him was captured along with Charles and Abigail whom he also loved, plus the rest of the band that he didn't know what had happened to them either.

He was on a boat in the middle of nowhere and he didn't know if he was going to get out of there alive and if he would be able to see any of them again.