#everything DOES point to vegas letting pete go

[i-sveikata]

Hello author, I hope all is well!!!

It's really hot 🥵 here in Italy and what do I do? I reread the spiciest parts of your chapters to help me sleep 🤣 ahahah!!!

I have no questions, I know that when the time comes you will publish but I am writing to you only to thank you as always for the splendid work you do, your writing is absolutely fantastic and above all I have to reveal a secret … you know that I think I am a bit like Pete (of his slightly masochistic side)?😈

I must say that, in addition to the desperation of waiting, I am actually so happy to read that you are fixing, elaborating and adding scenes ���🫣 I like the agony of waiting because it lengthens the chapters of a streak that I am not yet ready to say goodbye to …😣 maybe it's been three years now and, I also rightly think, the fandom has "calmed down" a lot, but I'm happy that there are writers like you who remain!!!

🤩I was curious, and I don't think I read it, at least not in the last posts, is there a sentence/scene that particularly touched you from an emotional point of view? That upset you and after writing it you thought "perfect"?

Here, in the end I made a papyrus, sorry … I just wanted to say thank you like the other times!🙂‍↕️

p.s. I know the game isn't out yet, can you give us a juicy sentence from the next chapter?

hello there!! i saw your ask a few days ago just haven't been able to sit down in front of my laptop to give you a chap sneak peek.

im going good and im sorry it's so hot in italy atm!! me over here freezing my butt off in australia cause its winter but im glad the spicier parts helped you sleep lol ;)

oh thank you so much for saying so!!! oh that's cool. yes for my draft it starts out very basic like a goes to b, person said this and other person said that so when i come back to it theres always so much more like descriptions, inner thoughts and research to be added in to flesh out what starts out originally as very basic action sequences. ha the agony of waiting yes i totally understand that! honestly fandom is soo much of a self experience within community, so like if it's not something that's calmed down for you then it doesnt really matter whether everyone else might have moved on to the next big thing. we totally curate our own fandoms and people keep them alive in lots of different ways!

ohhh what an interesting question hmm i think the ones that feel the most raw to me are whenever pete's careful control of himself and his emotions breaks and he would start actually articulating how the safe house made him feel to vegas. he's been so carefully keeping a lid on everything that when it all comes out of him in emotionally fraught moments it feels even more painful and devastating because not only is vegas getting a peek behind the curtain, but we as the audience can see just how pushed to the brink pete is ever since he escaped and vegas decided to still pursue him anyway. i feel like any of those sort of confrontation scenes feel the most intense emotionally speaking. but i really like the intensity of pete choosing to fulfill his own desires, choosing to allow vegas to touch him, choosing to let down his careful control in small ways and seeing vegas be so careful and tender with him then. tbh i don't generally have like a 'perfect' eureka moment when writing. i usually just write and then my most basic question after that is, does this work? do i believe it? and if that answer is yes i move past the scene. if no i keep working on it until it's exactly what i want. whenever i write i'm always writing for me, thinking of what i would like to read so that's kind of the basis of my process a lot of the time. (not to say that reader's comments aren't inspiring, or might make me think of areas that i hadn't focused on yet or things like that). haha no need to apologise for a papyrus we love to see it. also here's an excerpt from the latest chap hope you like ;)

:

“Pete, Pete, Pete,” he says stumbling through the words like he dropped a couple of letters along the way and his mouth forgot to pick them back up again. The slur of it too distinct to be mistaken for anything else. “My viciously pragmatic, Pete.”

Pete seizes his wrists and gets a face full of the scent of liquor that Vegas exhales on the next breath. But he locks eyes with the guards over Vegas’ shoulder and tries to hold onto what dignity he can with Vegas already dipping a warm hand underneath his shirt, caressing in a scattered way whilst no doubt ineptly searching for the entry into Pete’s pants.

“I’ll take it from here.”

Oat nods, looking unabashedly grateful and clearly relieved when Pete is nudged back by Vegas’ body, propelling him further away from the others. He sees Oat toss a section of fabric over the armchair in the entrance room, likely Vegas’ blazer, before he ducks back out of the room and the door finally releases itself from the human doorstop that was the full line of Oat’s steady torso, sealing itself shut with a resounding thud of finality.

Pete’s hardly given a moment to comprehend that they’re alone again before Vegas is on him, more thoroughly and less controlled than before as his hands draw an incomprehensible path across Pete’s body.

There’s no logic to it, no discernible goal but Pete finds himself short of breath anyway when he finally succeeds in forcing Vegas’ unexpectedly clumsy hands off, drawing their bodies apart like the sharp slap of a rebuttal.

Somehow Vegas is completely unbuttoned now, though Pete knows his own hands weren't wandering down and he’s surprised by how efficient Vegas can still be when properly motivated.

There’s a hardly a second of silence before Vegas, undeterred, is crowding in again and Pete feels a hard yank of startled pleasure in his gut at the thought that this might be a fight in the making after all.

Vegas smiles, amiable and elastic and deep into the good humours of intoxication. “Beautiful angry thing,” he mutters, crooning as if Pete can be swayed by any of his drunken nonsense.

[crescentlyautumn]

Vegas?? 👀

How’d I know I’d get the man who burrowed deep into my brain and made a home for himself? 🤣

Alright, you asked for it. The break down:

How I feel about this character:

Do you have all day? Because-

Ok, but seriously, my love for this man stretches beyond anything I can rightly describe. I think I’m absolutely normal about him, and then bam! Instant punch to the throat because my brain thought too much about him too hard. He’s so complicated, messy, and destructive (mostly to himself), and yet he also is the personification of a stray cat caught in the rain that you approach to try and help, and end up with a nasty scratch, but once the hissing and spitting dies down, that cat is attached to you like glue and thinks you’re its world.

And if that’s not something I have a terrible soft spot for. Like does he do stuff that irl that would make me run for the hills? Oh absolutely. But I’m also so pulled in by all his layers and hidden bits, not to mention I see a little bit of myself in him when he finally lets his guard down and allows himself to love and feel openly. This man makes me so emotional and I could go on for hours, so I’m gonna stop myself here.

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Ok, I’m gonna be real with you here and drop Pete as my end all be all with him. Boring? Sure. But that’s all my brain will truly let me accept.

BUT that being said, I have seen him shipped with Tay and didn’t get squicked out to the max, soooo…👀

But yes, I am that person who latched onto the canon ship and not much else. For shame😔

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

… Well fuck. Ok, I wanna say two people, but I will go with who I think more so is it, and say Porsche. I have read too many fics that point out how well those two got along before shit hit, and how much they can lean on and understand each other, and it’s burrowed deep into the wrinkles in my brain, so yes. Platonic OTP for Vegas is Porsche.

My unpopular opinion about this character:

Do I dare?…

Fuck it.

Vegas is demiromantic. I have actually gotten people pretty mad at me for this one, but just looking at the whole safe house thing and Vegas as a character, makes me unable to unsee it. (If you want me to break this down more, feel free to ask because I have many thoughts.)

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon:

WE GOT MORE FUCKING TIME WITH HIM!!!

I wish we could’ve gotten a better glimpse of him in the show before everything and after. Not just little tastes and lots of speculation. Just more firm ground to stand on (at least series-wise) and more information on who Vegas is, and not just the masks we were shown. We got little crumbs, and I hunger for more!!!

Thank you for the ask, friend! Love ya!🫂♥️

[sweetvixen1996]

Mafia Boys & Gifts As Manipulation

Okay so I need somewhere else to exorcise my Kinnporsche brain rot, and I guess that’s you fine people. So I submit my thesis of this post: 

In episode 7, we see Vegas, Kinn, & Kim all give a gift as a way to manipulate the recipient. 

One of the writers (who are trash people) are very smart to do is to echo certain beats with characters through their action to hammer a point home. A good example is Kinn kissing a drunk Porsche at the end of E3 and then sleeping with a drugged Porsche at the end of E4 -both acts of physical... attraction performed while Porsche is unable to fully consent but the latter having far more serious consequences. 

The manipulative gift giving in E7 really hammers home that Vegas, Kinn, & Kim really are FAR MORE ALIKE than any of them would like to think. But its all about lenses. 

So lets look at it:

Vegas:

Let's start with the most obvious example, shall we? 

Vegas spends this entire episode pseudo-courting Porsche. Both to mess with Kinn, and to get a competent man in the Minor Family’s control (likely under his father’s orders), Vegas is going to use what he knows of Porsche to win him over. Including this gorgeous bike. Vegas explicitly frames Porsche getting the bike as a reward for a job goes well. That, by its very nature, makes it not truly a gift. Instead its payment, a carrot dangled above Porsche's head. Also, on top of Vegas just knowing that Porsche likes motorcycles, I think this serves as a reminder of their little motorcycle ride date back from E5 when Vegas was around to (seemingly) provide comfort when Kinn was not. Basically, Vegas is saying, “Look what I can give you, look at how much fun we can have together, and look at how well I know you but you just got to do this one thing for me and you can have all of it.”

For the record, I do think Vegas genuinely likes Porsche, and is probably physically attracted to him. Everything he does in this episode and beyond is absolutely a power play, with Porsche just being another piece on the chess board in the game of domination Vegas is constantly trying to play with Kinn, but, unlike his thin veiled contempt for Tawan, Vegas seems to truly enjoy spending time around Porsche. I always think back to that hug they shared and how Vegas just sort of melted into it. It’s hard to fake that sort of react. 

Maybe in a different life, they could have been actual friends.

In hindsight, I do wonder how much about the bodyguards all being happy and Vegas caring about them is a show and how much of it is real. Vegas definitely wants to frame life at the Minor Family as a better alternative to serving the Major Family, but we also know that Vegas is not incapable of caring about the people around him. In fact, he’s something he desperately wants to be good at. 

On a side note, we also get the case of Vegas giving the pork skewer to Pete. It's a small thing, and probably also manipulation, but with how important food becomes in their relationship, I think it's worth noting.

Kinn:

I almost hesitate to call this manipulation, because this moment is really just so sweet. So instead I'll discuss how Vegas uses the bike as a reward while Kinn uses his favorite gun as an excuse. For these two knuckleheads, E7 is a transitional period. E6 had them admitting for their attraction and affection for each other, and the Side Story had them cementing that what they had in the woods isn't going away, but E7 here is them trying to figure out what this new dynamic means and how it can exist back in the “real world.”

Kinn is not ready to say “I love you” verbally to Porsche yet. He cannot fully put his trust in Porsche just yet. After everything with Taiwan, and just well his entire life, all the jealousy and insecurity and possessiveness is coming out in full force. Not to mention, Kinn is stuck at home recovering from his injuries, likely making him feel useless. Plus, he has to at least have a suspicion that Vegas was the one who drugged and took Porsche back in E4 -on top of actively plotting to take Porsche away now.

Yet Kinn also knows he needs to be careful. Even if he can't say those things, he knows he at least needs to give something up or risk Porsche pulling away. Specifically, pulling towards Vegas. So he gives Porsche’ his gun, the one Kinn always keeps on him. It's Kinn’s way of saying, “even if I can't be with you in person, this gun is my way of being with you in spirit.”

Then he tells Porsche that Porsche has to come back so he can return Kinn’s gun. Now this is a fun little gray area, because Kinn IS able to say Porsche needs to come back to him -not why, mind you, he’s not their yet. But Kinn is trying his best. Unlike Vegas, who views Porsche as part of a game, Ken sees Porsche as the prize at the end of the game. The only thing that matters. The thing Kinn wants to get above all, no matter what he has to sacrifice.

I love this whole interaction because it just runs the gauntlet of emotions. It's sweet, it's sappy, it's funny, it's flirty, and it's a little tense. Overall, it's a good example of both Kinn’s own emotional limitations, and Kinn trying his damnedest to show how he feels since he's not great at putting things into words. And if that involves a little manipulation, well there are probably worse things in the world.

Also I think it is really funny that this entire scene and the situation with the gun is very reminiscent of the concept of the Lady’s Favor. That being where noble women would give Knights a personal token, usually a handkerchief or a ribbon, when they went off to do something dangerous as both a token of their affections and to make the Knight promise to come back. The promise, of course being so that the Knight would stay safe, and so the Knight would have an excuse to visit their Lady again.

Kim:

The Kimchay relationship is interesting because it somehow manages to be both the most wholesome while also being the most duplicitous. One of the things that makes all three of the major couples in this series interesting (or controversial, depending on who you ask) is that there is a very clear uneven power dynamic. Kinn is Porsche’s boss and a mafia leader, and Vegas literally has Pete chained up in his house -you can't get much more even than that. And yet, both of them are in a situation in which the power dynamic difference is obvious. That's not the case with Kimchay. While it's true that there is the obvious unbalance of the Idol/Fan dynamic, and the age gap being jussssst wide enough that Kim and Chay are at different points in their developmental adult life, the real power dynamic difference comes from the fact that this entire relationship is built flat on a lie. It is a lie that Kim himself eventually comes to love and wish was true, but not one that could have ever been sustained.

There are a lot of really great metas out there about how Kim is actually the most dangerous of his brothers, and is far more willing to coldly manipulate and act for his goal, and you see a lot of that these early interactions with Chay. 

At this point, I think it's safe to say that while Kim may think Chay is cute and sweet, and is charmed by him despite himself, Chay is still just a means to the end within his investigation. He's also completely aware a Chay’s infatuation with him and is using that to get through the door of Chay’s life and house -quite literally.

If the motorcycle was a reward from Vegas, and the gun was an excuse from Kinn, I'd say that Kim is using the guitar as almost a form of payment. A way of further buying Chay's trust and good nature. He may have even specifically brought it as a way to override Chay questioning why Kim knew where he lived. 

And yet it's also important to point out that this episode is a turning point in their relationship, just like it is for KinnPorsche. Before this, Chay was a tool, if a very charming one. Kim doesn't even really have the patience with him to wait for Chay to finish talking and expressing his doubt about accepting the guitar before asking to use the bathroom. Not to mention further taking advantage of Chay’s feelings for him in order to get Chay out of the house so Kim could investigate the Mysterious Locked Room.

But then Kim finds the Idol Wall, and everything changes. I am 100% convinced that is the moment where Kim not only knows that Chay has nothing to do with any potential mafia dirty business, but also when Kim starts feeling some guilt over his manipulation of Chay. Both of which should make him immediately back off, and we see in the next episode that that is sort of what he does, but his initial response is instead to engage further -even outright flirting with the implicit promise of further contact with the two,  even though it actually doesn't have any merit at this point. 

Basically, this is when Chay starts to become REAL to Kim.

[faggotryandtransjesterism]

VegasPete Fic Rec List (Part 2)

Favorites marked with a (*)

A Close Shave by @fleet-off | 4k | M *

The bathroom walls feel claustrophobically tight, and Vegas’s stomach is a ball of leaden frustration poised to turn molten. He wants to shatter the mirror with his fist, to yell at Pete to stand up straight, to curse his uselessness--just another one of Vegas’s failures. The razor sits on the edge of the sink. This was a bad idea.

Vegas gives Pete a shave.

another one of my all-time favorites! the tension! the pete saengtham messy bitch agenda! i've been spending a lot of time lately screaming in fleet's comment boxes, and you should too!

somewhere between the heart and the vein by @veliseraptor | 20k | T

In the aftermath of the failed coup, Pete has: an unconscious and possibly dying Vegas Theerapanyakul, a whole lot of feelings to work through, and no job.

He goes from there.

another recovery fic, another lise fic, you literally cannot go wrong.

begging to bleed by @veliseraptor | 10k | E *

Vegas is trying to be good. Pete's getting a little fed up with it.

His staged intervention produces positive results.

yet another lise fic! PWP of the highest order. PWT, if you will. porn with themes. big fan of pete knowing what he wants <3

Finders Keepers by @veliseraptor | 3k | T

Vegas was supposed to kill Pete. Vegas has not killed Pete, and it turns out that is working out pretty well for him.

Up until Kan discovers the safehouse's extra inhabitant.

pure angst. don't look at me. i left this thing with shell shock and new sources of anger

Brand Recognition by @iffervescent | 6k | E *

Vegas wants his top billing back. Pete likes being on the bottom.

porn star AU PWP. feminization. electrotoy. need i say more?

won't give up these ghosts by @fleet-off | 7k | E *

Vegas lays him on a patch of firm ground. From his cocoon, Pete hears the rhythmic thud of a shovel sinking into loose earth. Vegas is digging him a grave.

In which Pete finds playing dead relaxing, and Vegas decidedly does not.

this may genuinely be my favorite vegaspete fic of all time. it's literally perfect and there is nothing else like it on earth. read it. read it right now. let it awaken something in you.

swinging from the willow tree by incendir | 2k | T

Every single ingredient is here. Vegas rolls up his sleeves and gets to work.

[Or, the first step in starting over]

vegas cooking fics are my weakness

Bite the Hand by @ghost--houses | 1k | E

The second Vegas uncuffs Pete from the headboard, Pete grabs for Vegas' left hand and pulls it into his mouth. He says nothing, he doesn't look at Vegas, just puts his teeth to Vegas' skin and keeps them there, gnawing.

subdrop fics are. also my weakness

Fidelity by @veliseraptor | 2k | T

Vegas visits his father's grave.

father-son angst my beloved. again, kinda character-study oneshot

Five Year Itch by puckbaes | 78k | NR

Pete has everything he could’ve dreamed of, a husband that loves him and a family to call his own. It’s perfect, until the day it isn’t. What do you do when you find out the love of your life is one of the most prominent mob bosses in Bangkok? Turns out, clean breaks are notoriously difficult when you have a son together.

A getting back together fic featuring mafia!Vegas, shared custody of Venice, and Pete’s inability to stay away from danger.

i usually don't stray from canon universe with vegaspete to be honest, or at least not too far from it. this one's fluffy it's angsty she's got it all. i really thought normie!Pete was gonna be a deal breaker for me, but i actually really enjoyed this and i think it's really well done.

And that's a wrap! My collection's always growing, so part 3 at some point probably lol. Once again, if anyone knows more of these authors on tumblr, please tag them! Enjoy and scream in my asks about them (and don't forget to leave kudos and comments for the lovely authors!)

[turtlesocksv2]

Kinnporsche 12 Rewatch Thoughts

God, Chay not going through with the university interview is fucking heartbreaking. But if I was Porsche I would kick his ass, my god given right as Older Sibling. Porsche spent years busting his ass off working at the bar to give Chay the opportunity at a better life, is encouraging him to go to music school which is one of the worst fields re: actually making any money, and JOINED THE GODDAMN MAFIA so that Chay could keep his house and go to school and this ungrateful little shit! just throws it away! because he's ~sad about a boy~! NOT IN MY FUCKING HOUSE. Chay would be suplexed through a table if I was his older sibling. (yes yes i know it's more complicated than that and Chay is going through a lot! but my older sibling rage does not care for logic or reason, here)

I know Porsche and Pete are Besties but Porsche and Arm have such a solid friendship. Arm is his Bro. Arm is Team Porsche. They have secret codes about stalking Kinn for jealousy reasons. Arm asks Zero questions. Code Red?! Here is your access to all our surveillance tech, Porsche! but also, Porsche really needs to learn not to listen in to conversations when he's not ready to hear them.

Just Normal Kidnapping Things - reading horoscope books with your kidnappers pet hedgehog and making fun of/psychoanalyzing your kidnapper by telling him that he is sensitive and needs love. Hmmm, also I think Vegas knows here that something is wrong with Khun Spikes. Not how serious it is, but that something is Off.

Kinn admits that Korn was the one really pushing for him to get Porsche to work for them by any means necessary and Porsche asks THE burning question: Why Him? Kinn offers to help Porsche get the answers, but Porsche realizes that Kinn can't help him, not really. Because asking the questions Porsche really wants answered is going to involve going against Kinn's dad. And Kinn is the wrong Theerapanyakul for that. (ask Tankhun, porsche! Tankhun could probably get you the answers! The tragedy that no one realizes how smart Tankhun is.)

Every time Korn opens his mouth in this scene:

just straight up lying! all the time! When Porsche storms out and Kinn gives his dad the "really? you just fucked up the best thing to ever happen to me i can't believe you." look, that is not enough!

Ok so I absolutely believe the meta that Khun Spikes died while Pete was asleep and Vegas was just waiting for him to wake up so that he could stage Pete's 'escape'. He made sure Pete knew there were no guards, he left the key, the shirt. it was on purpose. the clues are all there. He had one pet die in that fucking safehouse and didn't want another. But Pete can't bring himself to leave when he sees how sad Vegas is. After they bury Khun Spikes, Vegas walks away from Pete, he doesn't even look back. He's letting Pete go!!! But Pete chooses to stay!

RIP Khun Spikes. King. Legend. Your legacy lives on.

You know, i didn't notice the first time through, but the cinematography and art direction in the VegasPete Fuck Nasty bondage chain sex is like...really unsettling. with the music and the quick cuts and everything. these are not two healthy individuals making smart choices and I love that for them. glad it works out for them in the end.

aaaaaand we immediately go to Bread Product Placement. fucking love Farmhouse Breads for greenlighting the absolutely batshit insane product placement. them and Deutsche Bank.

Kinn is such a schmoopy, gooey bastard when he's in love. "i could live anywhere as long as it's with you" Korn is now terrified that Kinn is gonna pull a Nampheung and run off with a Kittisawat Boy.

here we go, the really fucking weird Tay-Porsche conversation where Tay says that Time doesn't really love him and it's not like it is with KinnPorsche. what an absolutely batshit weird thread that's just vaguely in the background. i have to know what was cut for time/pacing. also, I think Tay might have had feelings for Kinn at some point and even if he's not currently, like, in love with Kinn there's still a light "Kinn would treat me better than Time does :(" energy. and he's right! Kinn would treat him better than Time does! Dump Time's fickle ass! When Porsche tells Tay that he and Kinn are both out of the business now, Tay gets this look on his face like:

And of course Korn can sense that Kinn is happy and has to crash the party and ruin it. (I do like how in tune Tay and Time were here, they've been Kinn's friends long enough to realize it's about to go down and they should leave.)

I do have to wonder what that dude did to piss Korn off that he gave Porsche his picture and address and said "this is the man that killed your parents. have fun :)" He had to know there was the possibility that Porsche would go through with it. just like there was a possibility that he wouldn't. so did korn care if this guy dies? does he die a few weeks later in a mysterious accident anyway? HMMMM. Anyway, Porsche choosing not to kill the guy is such an important moment. We're on a Porsche Corruption Arc but he's not that far gone.

Chan just looms in the background and i am dying to know what he knows. what he thinks. he's been korn's right hand man and closest bodyguard for so long. he must know so much.

Kim realizing just how much he fucked up with Chay is hilarious. And Chay trying to have his post-breakup rebellion is even funnier. sir, you are a kitten you do not drink or do drugs or have dyed hair.

Uncle Thee is a dick for extorting Porsche, but you know what, Stopped Clocks and all that. He's right to tell Porsche not to trust Korn. I do wonder if he knows exactly what happened back then or if he's just bullshitting.

[neros-very-first-fiddle]

history of panic! at the disco except I’m only a moderate fan, so it’s not 100% accurate and I had to fill in some gaps with my imagination, so you definitely shouldn’t quote me on any of this

it is currently 1 am and this is the only thing in my head, so let’s go.

have I listened to every p!atd song? yes. do I know the history? absolutely not.

so, Las Vegas, right? there’s a bunch of high school guys who are in a band and everything is going great, but uh oh, they need some back up vocals. local loser teen Brendon Urie comes to the rescue with his mediocre singing skills (he can’t sing) (at least not yet) so the band reluctantly takes him on. they play a few shows, so pretty good for a high school band, then they release an album. did they get signed to a record label first? uhhhh, I’m gonna say yes. its Vegas, they might as well have been.

so they write their first album, “a fever you can’t sweat out”, and it does well! “I write sins not tragedies” does absolutely fantastic in particular. it’s emo, it’s young, and their target audience approves.

riding off that high, they do what any other self respecting cool, hip, emo band would do and they write a psychedelic folk album. because duh. and using my knowledge that the first track states “we’re so sorry we’ve been gone”, the album took a minute to make and produce. Two years to be exact. And that’s exact exact. A whole 24 months. Released it on fever’s anniversary and everything. Also; at this point, one of the band members dropped out. probably a drummer. their name? uhh, idk, probably frank, david, or pete,,

so they write another album. it’s called “vices and virtues” and it uses a bit more tech and it’s a good sound and it goes a bit more back into their rock and roll roots. they continue with their thing of going super heavy into eccentric album themes and where all these cool steampunk outfits in the mvs and on the album cover. then ryan ross leaves. and this makes lots of people sad because he’s ryan ross. but the album’s good, so there’s some consolation. also some of the other members leave with him. the bass player dipped and their drummer flaked again. he didn’t want to go on without ryan ross’s ryan ross-ness and honestly who can blame him? also fun fact! the bass player left for completely non-ryan ross related reasons. his parrot brother passed away and it really took a toll on the family. and no I’m actually not joking because another fun fact! parrots live really long and a lot of the times in families they’re raised along with the children and they become so bonded to the family that oftentimes they’re considered an actual part of it. I found that out from a podcast when one of the hosts said her ex had a parrot for a brother which made me break down laughing, but that’s honestly really neat. anyways.

after that they, you guessed it, write another album. this one’s called “too weird to live, too rare to die”. the album cover is very cool™️ and so is the music. and they have a new bass player! his name is dallon james weekes and he is actually The coolest person ever. lots of fans are upset with the new album because it’s missing ryan ross, but dallon makes up for it. Then he leaves immediately after they finish touring for the album. boohoo.

it’s the summer of 2016. death of a bachelor has just been released. I’m at an outlet mall with my family and am standing under a giant tree trying to catch some shade from the texas heat that burns on my black hair and my brother pokes me in the arm. he’s got apple music opened up to the album Death of a Bachelor by Panic! At the Disco. he asks me if I’ve ever heard of them. I say no. he offers me an earbud and I happily take it . he presses play on a certain track; LA devotee. I’m instantly transported to another world. the sound is like nothing I’ve ever heard before. it’s not like the Spanish music my grandma always plays or christian music or 80s songs my mom sings in the car or the show tunes I sing with my friends or the classic rock my dad always blasts. it’s different. and it sounds so distinctively like me.

suddenly I’m emo. a few weeks later, I’m at a sleepover and we’re singing death of a bachelor and I mess up one (1) lyric and one of the other kids calls me a fake fan. at that exact moment in time I make the decision to religiously listen to and memorize every single lyric off the death of a bachelor album. and I did. so take that, julia. (we’re still friends)(she absolutely does not listen to panic anymore)

oh hey, would you look at that. pray for the wicked just came out. for the first time ever, I count down the days, then the minutes to an album release. it’s really fun.

and uhhh, that’s it. it’s just one guy at this point.

[thisisevenharderthannamingablog]

Liveblogging notes for ep 13.

Everyone in this show is fantastic. I hope they all get all the work they want forever.

Vegas and Pete having morning-after conversation about Pete's life approach. Living in the present seems like an excellent way to navigate a setting like this one, especially if you aren't a power broker in it.

WHY are you two back at the main house?! And WHO cares what Korn wants? Porsche looks nervous AF about this whole encounter. Time to let go of the past. Porsche is thinking about the picture his uncle gave him and makes a couple of cautious sallies toward Korn.

Vegas clearly likes cooking. Look at that chiffonade, damn. All of these kids could have been normal people, but NO here's Gun to ruin everything again.

Back to the main house and mirrors. Kinn all Babe you seem stressed let's have sex. Porsche about to tell him about the photo? but Korn interrupts by summoning Kinn.

Korn is unhappy about something. Uh-oh. Is this going to complement the scene we just had with Gun? Maybe Kinn and Porsche should take a vacation together. (Again, what is your angle with that suggestion? A play for time...?) Kinn looks very relaxed but literally cannot talk to his father without drinking. It's a lot more subtle than Gun beating the shit out of Vegas all the time, but it is so consistent.

Oh no you two, you promised. :( Don't be like this.

Vegas is... reaching his breaking point? Pete is a) still chained up and b) trying to come to terms with what he did last night? Telling Vegas to approach Korn and end this situation. It's your choice. Here we are again! His immediate choice is to take all of his anger out on Pete.

Yeah no I think Pete has a few regrets right now actually.

Interesting how all the couples in this show have a forward-rewind dynamic. Nothing is resolved simply.

Khun of all people has realized that Pete is actually missing. Kinn and Porsche have a mutual oh shit he might be right moment.

Pete meanwhile has reached his breaking point and wants to die - not as a victory condition when being tortured this time, but in despair. God knows he's coped fantastically well with the past week, should get Employee of the Year at least.

Vegas... apologizes. Does not want to lose Pete now, doesn't want him to leave. "Can we start all over again" well that's quite the parallel. We would need another three seasons for Vegas to learn how to process having a normal emotion. He has not gotten the "if you love something set it free" lesson.

I'm sorry, Pete says, and punches his lights out. Crying. Bloody. Anguished.

Back at the main house Khun is holding a funeral for him. Showing up at your own funeral is always fun. Stop hugging the man who is bleeding everybody.

Porsche wants to know what happened to him; Pete lies his sunny ass off. Porsche not buying it, ready to hand out some revenge. Pete still won't tell the truth but wants Porsche to take care of him (reminder which side of the board he's on now).

Kim tries to contact Chay. Chay blocks his number. So all three couples are in states of disarray. (Although to be fair and slightly ironic, the only thing Kinn is covering up right now is wanting to take Porsche on a honeymoon trip, literally the most innocuous thing he has ever done.) Kim is having unaccustomed feelings? Goes through his Chay pictures and memories while Chay's love song plays and Kim looks like he wants to cry.

Song still playing over Vegas, getting the news that Pete turned up back at the main house; Pete and Vegas both looking at food alone. Vegas crying. Pete having a breakdown, cradling his scars all alone??? Help I can't take this.

Porsche and a mysterious phone call. (Must have been Vegas.)

On the one hand Pete is so obviously not okay. On the other, if he's going to keep lying about what happened, what's everybody else supposed to do. An outing to Yok's, ostensibly for karaoke to cheer Pete up. Are you wearing one of Vegas' shirts buddy what is that print supposed to be.

Porsche heads out to the alley. Vegas is getting punched a lot lately, but I'd say he earned these two. Now, what is up with that picture of Porsche's family? Interesting rationale, Vegas being the only one in the family who can't be bought off by the mains.

Vegas doesn't know anything about the photo, but he can help Porsche find Uncle Thee, who clearly does, and the money he wants to talk. He's also seen that same photo in Gun's office. There is a generational information wall here, not a main/minor family one.

Ooh, in exchange for giving Porsche info, Vegas wants to talk to Pete. Porsche has come a long way, not even sightly intimidated by Vegas now. (Vegas has also stopped hitting on him.)

Lighting a guy's cigarette appears to be be Vegas' go-to move, and honestly Pete pulling a gun is probably the most sensible reaction possible, the fucking nerve of him. (Two out of three couples in this show have beaten each other bloody and done the "go on, shoot me then" thing. I love it.) Pete why is your face.

A visit to the cemetery so Kinn can meet his in-laws. Porsche appears charmed, still so shy with his words though. Recap of those early disaster days to where we are now: Kinn finally able to trust someone again, happy to be wherever he is if Porsche is there with him. This is so framed as a wedding.

So we need a wedding night: the pool scene. Some very strategic camera work going on here. Symmetrical framing to emphasize the mutual I love you. I can't believe it took 13 episodes to get to this moment. They are so huggy after sex they're adorable.

Now Porsche is the one getting up to secret stuff. Getting texts from Vegas. Sneaking out with Chay. At least he left a note for Kinn? Khun freaking out because they're gone (and because Kinn won't say anything about it), running into Kim, who is Concerned and about to go look for them when Korn summons him. Such a face that kid makes.

Vegas has tracked Thee down to a monastery. Porsche's parents were not killed in a car accident, they were shot. And so is Thee, before he can give the answer to who killed them. Porsche is having a flashback? An argument about his mother. His dad dead in the kitchen while Porsche hides. Kinn and Pete arrive, Vegas and Porsche leave. Korn getting the news and ordering that Porsche be retrieved safely.

Music runs in the whole family, huh.

Porsche has not run off; he is ready to shoot Korn for having killed his parents. Bomb drop! Porsche's mom was Korn's sister.

[ae-azile]

@chanbig I have to say, I can't wait to read what you are writing! Here is mine:

W

With that, Ma downs her water and sits back down. Everyone else grabs their champagne flutes and sips on them in a daze that Ma has clearly shown Korn she is no longer in.

Fuck.

O

Or maybe it's to record this memory during happier times, before everything goes to shit.

R

Regardless, she pushes those nerves back and keeps her pleasant smile.

“Hia? What happened to your wife?”

Korn clenches his jaw, “She died. Cardiac arrest.”

Namphueng looks down sadly. If this is the case, she is sad for Dao. If Korn weren't so despicable, she may even feel sad for him too. There had been one point in time that she loved him. She struggled viewing him as a brother. If anything, she viewed Gun as a brother more. They were closer in age and naturally spent more time together. But she respected Korn for at least part of her life.

And then he killed Pat, abducted her, made her think he killed her sons, and kept her in a room longer than she had even known him, at least at that point. She is sure he did the same to Milan.

What did he do to Dao?

“She would have been pretty young, huh?” Namphueng says, “When I asked Kim last night, he said she died when he was around eight. Dying from cardiac arrest in her late thirties…she never had any heart issues. She was diligent about going to the doctor-"

"That's enough."

D

“Dara needs ties to the deaf community. I want our daughter to have that. Fern is Deaf, and Namphueng had a Deaf father and a mother who was an interpreter born into a Deaf family. It makes me happy that she will be connected to Deaf culture and have support. I’ve read about Deaf children whose parents don't even bother to learn sign and they have to write back and forth to talk to each other, even after having years and years to learn! That won't be the case with Dara. We need to make sure of that!”

“We will,” Arm promises, “We have Namphueng and Fern, and Kim, Vegas, and Macau are all fluent. I would say we are proficient, and so are Kinn, Porsche, Chay, Pete, and Pol. My sisters and the twins are all catching on quickly. Even Koda and Phoenix know signed commands. Whatever her primary mode of communication ends up being, she will have people who will clearly understand her and can easily communicate with her.” 

“And she will have Paris too!" Tankhun says, feeling hopeful that his daughter will never be expected to go against her cousin, "I know she will be fluent. Fern, Vegas, Pete, and Macau will make sure that happens. They will be best friends.”

S

“She will be safe with us. We obviously aren't going to leave her alone,” Chay says, “She lives with me and Kim. Arm and Khun are across the hall. Yok just sent me a text telling me that I am temporarily fired so I can be here until my mother is definitely safe. We aren't going to let anything happen to her.”

“We definitely won't,” Kinn starts, but then starts pinching the bridge of his nose, “It's…It's not ideal-”

“No shit,” Kim says, obviously less optimistic, “It's only a matter of time that Pa does something about it. Even if she pretends she doesn't remember everything he did to her, he is going to try to become proactive and make it so she will never remember.”

The excerpts are all from the upcoming chapter of Progression.

Thank you for the tag, @chanbig! It was fun to fill out! I shall tag @fawndlyvenus and @livsoulsecrets

PROMPT WORD: MUSIC

rules: you will be given a word. share one sentence / excerpt from your wip(s) that start with each letter of that word

tagged by @mightymightygnomepriest thank u lovely 💗

word: FEATS

these are all from the sunburned!big chanbig fic 💗

F

Fuck. Another tally in the column of Vacation: Disaster. They've been on the island for less than four hours. How are they going to survive a week? How is Big going to survive a week?

E

Even if the hotel clerk has somehow picked up on Big's feelings for Chan, and Chan's… lack of those same feelings, it doesn't mean Chan will be interested in him.

The guy isn't that good looking. He isn't a threat.

Probably.

A

A hand on Big's chest stops him.

"I wasn't telling you to leave, Big. I was asking if you could move on your own, or if you wanted me to apply the lotion." Chan tilts his head to catch Big's eye. His voice is quiet, a thread of amusement still clear under the low tone. When Big doesn't reply, he continues, "So, if you want me to help you apply it, I can. Just take off your shirt, and lie back down."

The suggestion sends a wave of heat through Big and short-circuits his already-overwhelmed brain.

T

The apology dies on his tongue.

And then Chan slides his hands up around his ribcage, gently, slowly, and Big draws in a shaky inhale, feels Chan's fingers tighten their grip for a moment, callouses rough on his sensitive skin.

S

"Sorry," Chan murmurs, though there's a smile pressing at the corner of his mouth that speaks to not being quite so sorry as he says. "I forgot."

-

Prompt: WORDS

tagging: @mortimerlatrice @kinnbig @saifahname @answermywearyquery @ae-azile @jeffsatyr and anyone else who would like to do it!

[stormyoceans]

Personally I think we have gotten a lot of foreshadowing on how Vegas/Pete might go. The meaning behind the yellow roses in the special episode, "Love that doesn't expect anything in return" and Vegas also states his opinion on love twice in the series. He says "No matter how bad I am, if it's for the person I love, I will never hurt his feelings." and "A guy like me, if I'm interested in someone, there's nothing I wouldn't know." So I would put money on Vegas willingly letting Pete go.

OH THAT'S A VERY GOOD POINT!!!!

and it's interesting because i always thought all those things he said to porsche were just some perfectly constructed lines (and lies) to help sell this 'pining nice guy' image he wanted porsche to believe in, but now i do believe vegas is gonna abide by those words once he falls in love with pete

just because they weren't true before, it doesn't mean they won't be true in the future, so it makes a lot of sense to see them as foreshadowing!!!

tbh the closer we get to saturday the more im CONVINCED vegas is gonna free pete from the handcuffs and tell him to leave, but i also think that pete is gonna hesitate, and both of these things will change EVERYTHING. so yeah, i do agree that the most likely outcome is that vegas is gonna let pete go, but at the same time i want that to be followed by pete deciding to stay to have one last night with vegas before leaving the next morning (though im definitely biased about this sfjksgdjsgd)

[yujeong]

I remember stumbling upon a couple of comments about Vegas' "You're the most important person in my life" line, saying that it's a bad thing to say because Macau exists and I have thoughts about it.

Pete is the most important person in Vegas' life. He's the man who saved him twice - both from his enemies and from himself - , he's the man who opened his eyes about his father's abuse, he's the man who showed empathy and love to him despite being tortured within an inch of his life by him. Sure, Macau loves him too and without him, Vegas wouldn't have the capability of love at all (shout-out to Lusn's brilliant line in smog lights, it's still stuck in my head) but let's also keep in mind that he's his brother and younger brother at that. He can only offer so much to him, there are limits to what he can do.

People had said the same thing when Vegas was going to commit suicide too.

"What does he mean he has nothing? He has Macau. Why isn't he thinking about him? He's going to leave him alone, that's so cruel"

Well...I have never had suicidal thoughts in my life but I can assume that when a person gets to that point, they're 1. not thinking rationally and 2. not thinking of themselves as valuable. I'm sure if Vegas thought of Macau while pointing the gun to his chin, he'd think he'd be doing Macau a favour by dying.

Back to the original point, the same is true for Pete. Vegas is Pete's most important person in his life too. Vegas unlocked a part of Pete he kept hidden and was in deep denial about, letting him be a person with wants and needs and a voice, instead of background decor in his own life. But fans don't really think about that because Pete never said it and Pete's grandma was only mentioned throughout the show, only having two phone call cameos in which we didn't even hear what she said. What applies to Macau though, applies to her too.

I understand why it sounded off to some people. I think it's the innate belief most people have about family and it being the most important thing in someone's life, everything else coming in second place, including friendships and romantic/sexual partners. I need them to understand though that in the case of VP, it isn't just a sexual/romantic relationship. They're basically soulmates; they were two broken pieces that fit together. They bonded under such hard circumstances and came on top despite everything being against them. One would not be able to live without the other.

And in my honest opinion, I think Macau knows this. There's a reason he's smiling like the cute little gremlin that he is, while watching them kissing, having heard everything Vegas said. He knows Pete is the most important person in Vegas' life and he's extremely happy about it. Someone else finally sees Vegas like he sees him. Someone finally loves him with all his heart, so much so that they left their whole previous life behind for him. Vegas finally has a family that he loves and loves him back, Macau included. And I think that's beautiful.

[puniyo]

Vegas and the Hedgehog dilemma

*Spoilers for episode 10*

Since episode 10 has been out, I’ve read a lot about Stockholm syndrome and Lima syndrome, normally used to justify relationships forged between abductors and their captives. While emotional psychology is not my forte (my area of expertise being language), what really caught my attention was the little hedgehog that I’m assuming Vegas has as a pet. Of all the attention given to details in his study room, the Virgin Mary with a skull, the gag ball, the lamp with green shade, the caged animal lit a bulb on my head.

Has anyone heard about the Hedgehog dilemma?

In short, hedgehogs are nocturnal animals with spines around their bodies. Unlike porcupines, their spines are way smaller and less noticeable but hard and painful in the same way. If not more. Similar to a cactus, you are aware of the large spines but sometimes the smaller ones go undetected, and then it is when you get prickled.

The hedgehog dilemma is really about intimacy. Like any other animal, hedgehogs long for physical warmth during winter and the way to obtain it is to get close to other hedgehogs. However, because they are not able to retract or shed their spines (and risk being eaten by predators), they end up stinging and hurting each other. In order to avoid pain, they need to keep a physical distance. Now let’s transpose this metaphor to human intimacy. People long for intimacy and warmth from other human beings. It is part of our psyche and crucial for our emotional stability. And intimacy can be at many levels – physical, emotional, sexual. However, because of one’s emotional baggage (or any other baggage – external, social, you name it), humans cannot get close to each other without hurting each other as well.

Now let’s transpose this dilemma onto Vegas.

Vegas.

Vegas Theerapanyakul.

Vegas, as I assume and from the hints we receive in the drama so far, has grown up in a very unhealthy environment. His father is everything but benevolent. His father does not accept his relationships, much less his sexuality. His father, and all the surrounding circumstances has made him use manipulation for survival. Vegas is, on a superficial level, cold, scheming, a psychopath I dare to say. He uses people to achieve his ends, he relishes in torture, and once they lose their purpose, he shoots them. There is no guilt or hesitation when he pulls the trigger (compare to how many times Kinn has pulled the trigger so far in the series).

Vegas is seemingly the perfect villain, but has anyone stop to think that he is hurt, so hurt beyond repair at this point of the series? Vegas is a hedgehog – he has deadly spines around him that he leaves a trail of devastation whichever he goes. But more than anything, Vegas longs for the warmth that he wants but never got. The scene with Tawan in front of the mirror, even when naked (which is one of the major steps one can take in terms of intimacy – to be naked with someone else and not be judged) feels rather fake and the complete opposite of intimacy. There are huge walls around Vegas there. It is almost as if Vegas had detached from his true-self and only a hollow version of him is left there to entertain Tawan and his delusion.     

So Vegas the hedgehog must have tried to become close to someone but the same way he has hurt others, others have hurt him. And rejected him – his father, the main family, Kinn (who I think he looks up to more than despise).

But we have another hedgehog in the series – Pete.

Pete’s spines are also out there – his smiley persona, his outgoing and carefree self. Pete strikes me as someone who is nice to everyone, but not really close to anyone. While Vegas has seen countless people succumb to his torture, Pete is the one to remain standing and refusing to entertain him.

No, no, no. Let’s rephrase that. Pete is the one to be able to see beyond the spines and accept Vegas.

No, no, no. Let’s rephrase it again.

Pete is the one to be able to bear the pain of Vegas’ spines and despite so, he is willing to remain by Vegas side. And Vegas, Vegas is not prepared to receive the full blow of Pete’s spines when these are out there pointing at him and stabbing him, inch by inch, skin and bones.

Because when it does, Vegas will understand what true intimacy is. And when he does, he will become so addicted to it that he will not know how to react.

And that, is what I am really waiting for.

(going back to my Kinn and Vegas protection corner)         

[lutawolf]

When "I'm Hungry and I love you" Mean the Same Thing <D/s>

When Vegas and Pete meet again after the club, Pete is pissed. Vegas is once again blindly following daddy, and he is fucking with the people Pete cares about. They stand at an impasse with guns pointed at each other but then Vegas lowers his. Pete is slowly lowering his but then others comes along and he shots Vegas to save him. That isn't going to be the end of it though because Pete is pissed. Vegas has come to his home and made war on the ones he loves.

Vegas "I'm sorry for everything" Pete does not care because he isn't still mad about that. Pete forgave Vegas at the bar; at that time, he just couldn't live with him. He couldn't live with Vegas and be a nobody. A pet with no name. No, Pete is mad about Vegas coming and fucking shooting at his boss and friends. He is rightously made and he is letting Vegas have it.

He is honestly shocked when Vegas says "If I die today, could it be you who kills me" he doesn't ask Pete to make it quick. He'll take whatever Pete gives him. He just wants to die by his hands. Pete "what the fuck are you talking about?" because he had every intention of knocking him out, not killing him. Vegas doesn't care because if he is going to die, he is good with it being like this. " I love you Pete" then proceeds to give him a really sexy bloody kiss. Pete is so stunned that Vegas is able to gently push him away and chase after Kinn.

Pete slowly rises and chases after Vegas. He isn't running to protect his family now. No, Vegas said the words love and Pete is chasing him. When he reaches him, he is immediately concerned for Vegas. He isn't looking at Korn who has risen from the dead. He isn't paying attention to boss and friends, it's on Vegas with softness and when Vegas points the gun at Korn, He's thinking he is about to have to shoot another shoulder. When the other guards show up, he moves into a more prominent position blocking shots, but he does have his gun on Vegas' shoulder.

Vegas leaves, not waiting on Pete but Pete does not hesitate to follow. He is just taking enough time to resign. All Pete Needed Was to Know Vegas Loved Him!! He will follow Vegas to hell now that he knows that. You guys really think that kind of love happened in a week? Half of which was torture. I'm about to prove it.

Pete resigns and says these very telling words "But I cannot betray my own feelings anymore" mother fucker been in love for a while. He just didn't plan on Vegas returning them. Now that he knows he does, he is ready to descend into hell with him. Why would he say betray his own feelings anymore when it's only been a couple days? And honestly, he was angry enough at the bar that we know he felt justified in walking. No, these words are something you say when you've had feelings over time. Then if that still doesn't convince you, what about Korn. Korn is not surprised. He says, "go take care of him." He honestly has no way of knowing about Vegas and Pete, but he would know about Pete's feelings as Arm did. Which is clear in Episode 7. So, Korn knows and gives his best.

Pete catches up to Vegas and he is trying to kill himself. It appears as if Vegas has a death wish but these guys live in a world in which death is a very real possibility. There is death wish and fatalism. I mean fatalistic suicide is real thing but holds differently than normal suicide. Think of a Samera who would cut of their own heads when they lost. That is fatalistic suicide, it is a cultural thing. Which mafia culture is a thing. Vegas has lost everything from his father, his standing, his way of earning his own keep, and he thinks Pete.

Anyway, Pete catches up with Vegas and tells him to stop. Vegas immediately does. Then notice how he is trying to explain it to Pete. He is trying to tell him he has nothing. Then Pete says, "I'm here, Vegas, I'm here" He is trying to explain to Vegas that he chooses him but "why did you follow me Pete, I've got nothing left" Vegas still doesn't understand. Pete rushes to grab him and Vegas asks him to let go but Pete won't. We then have a parallel of them going down like they did at the bar. At the time Vegas was saying that he could provide Pete with care and comfort, now it's a reversal.

"Why did you follow me, Pete?" He shakes Pete off as he stands and once again reminds him that he has nothing left. Pete has helped him before and left so he isn't catching on that Pete is coming with him. "Would you stop saying you have nothing left, I'm right here. And don't turn your back on me like this. Because I'm hungry"

Now this is important. You can see Vegas literally pause, turn a little towards Pete and soften. Food is their love language. Vegas knows that Pete attributes food with care because of his grandmother. That's why Vegas prior to their relationship often offered and provided Pete with food. Bread, pork, asking if he was hungry, then making food, and onward. Food is their love language, just as it is within one of my D/s relationships.

Gif credit to @liyazaki

"Are you very hungry? Can someone else take you to eat?" Am I really who you want? Who you choose? Wouldn't someone else care for you better? "You dare push me away? You dare push me away Vegas?" "Then why the hell tell me you want to be with me?"

"I'm your pet aren't I and I am hungry now. And you walked out. So, I had to come find my owner" As I've said a million times. Pete is more than happy to be submissive to Vegas. He showed Vegas submission even before captivity. Then when their relationship developed, he easily entrusted Vegas with it again. However, before he drew the line at being a pet. Because he didn't want to be dehumanized to Vegas, he wants Vegas to see him and value him. Once he knew that Vegas loves him, it becomes a game changer. Now he is calling himself a pet. Doing whatever is necessary because he loves Vegas that much. Knowing that Vegas returns those feelings, only strengthens that more. However, I also need you to take a moment and realize we are once again paralleling episode 13. Making something ugly, that of something consensual and beautiful. Pete is completely giving himself to Vegas.

[usertoxicyaoi]

ok but pete and vegas back at the safehouse.....do they go back to that room? do they have sex in that room or is the memory too tangled up with the negative feelings and abuse of that time? do they return to that bed to have sex as a fully committed , open and consensual couple? to cleanse the space as it were? or do they lock it away?

hiiiii anon!!!!!

👀👀👀👀 wouldn't you like to know 👀👀👀👀.

no but, jokes aside, they, FOR SURE, in the end go back and make love in that room. and they BOTH cry during it bc its never been as emotionally intense ever as it has been now. no this is .... different from all their other times. different from anything they've ever had with anyone. nothing compares to how emotional this is. bc yeah its not like they havent had sex ever since they came back to the safehouse. but one time, vegas excused his way out of it just when things were about to get going. another time, vegas treated pete like he was made of out glass and it just didn't feel like them.

and sometimes, pete plucks up the courage to find that room and go inside it and see that .... everything is still there, the way it was. the chains suspended and hanging down from the ceiling, the handcuffs attached to the end of it, the cage for vegas' dead hedgehog, the bed, the outline of the stain of the noodles vegas had dropped just before he threatened to kill him when pete had escaped. its all still there.

its not easy. the first time pete goes into that room, its just the him stood in the way doorway scanning the room, until he sees the handcuffs, and his grip on the door handle tightens to the point where his knuckles go white and he slams the door shut and sinks to the ground trying to remember how to breathe again. he hadnt even realised he was holding his breath all this time.

a few days later he tries again. and again. and again. until he's able to step foot into the room. and then he's able to walk around the room. and then he's able to trace his fingers over the items present there. and then he remembers how vegas choked him and dragged him to stand, to pin him against the wall as he drew his knife out to his jugular, saying he'd kill him, and how helpless and defeated and degraded pete felt that in the end, he was ready to kill himself. and he cries. he breaks. he sobs. he whimpers. he just lets himself go. and then he tries. he tries to sit on the bed at first. and that's enough pushing the limits for one day. the next time he goes into the room, he tries to lie down on the bed. and he remembers how vegas forced him to eat. but that memory dissipates into all fhe times vegas cooked food for him and bought it to him, as he waited on the bed for him. and he remembers lying there telling vegas he grew up with an abusive dad, just like him. and he remembers seeing vegas cry as he mourned his dead hedgehog and how amused vegas was by his intrigue of his blood type. and how vegas didnt like beinf called sensitive or needing love, but look at him now. and there's a soft smile on pete's face. and he remembers vegas looming over him to feed him medicine through his mouth, how vegas looked and felt when he was inside him when they had sex the first time, how he kissed him, how he lay next to him and told him he didn't feel like a freak anymore, but that pete was a fool. and pete can't help but touch himself as he lies there. he touches his mouth, his lips, his jaw, his chin, his neck. his hands move down his chest, down his body and ... god. he shouldn't. he shouldn't be feeling this. his heart shouldn't be betraying him like so, pounding away in his chest until he can hear his own heartbeat, until he can hear how ragged his breathing has become. until he can hear vegas saying "let it out", and he's moaning his name as he jerks himself off.

he shouldn't. he shouldn't be doing this. but he only does it because he knows vegas is scared. and that's stopping him from fully giving himself over to pete when they get intimate. and what else can pete do?

and they've talked about this. at first, they didn't. because it was too raw. too ... new. too ... sensitive. but then it startes to tudn into a pattern. and then a common recurrence and pete's patience began to waver and get thin. until one day, whilst they were kissing on the sofa, pete took hold of vegas' hand and bought it upto his neck in an attempt to get vegas to choke him, because pete needs it, he wants it so badly. and vegas jerked away. and pete tried to reach out and bring them closer again but vegas stood up and walked away. and pete couldn't hold back anymore. so he followed vegas, around the house, asking him what that was, begging him to explain himself, telling vegas again and again that he knows he won't hurt him, so what's stopping him? and then when vegas still doesn't answer, pete's bitterness, perhaps even his insecurities, come out. he ends up spitting out and yelling if its him, if vegas is bored of him now, if the thrill of being with him has gone, does he not excite him anymore? because, damn it, pete just wants a response. something, anything, from vegas. and that makes vegas halt. and the way his hands are clenched into fists, his back as straight as a rod, the tension wound up in his body, the way his shoulder rise then fall as he breathes deeply, has pete himself on edge. he doesnt know if vegas will hurt himself or the furniture around them. and then he hears it. vegas sniffing. that then turn into him sobbing. it always ends like this. pete doesnt even realise when he starts crying himself, and in the end, their limbs end up wrapped around one another as they sit on the floor and cling onto one another, with vegas constantly apologising to pete, telling him that its not pete, its him, and pete constantly telling vegas that he wants all of him, that he needs all of him.

vegas doesnt dare go into that room. because the final memory he has of it is of pete almost killing himself right in front of his eyes, and then leaving him. but one day, he hears a sound coming from that room. and it sounds .... just like pete. and he trembles as he walks up the room, because part of him thinks he may have misheard, part of him thinks he hasn't and that means pete is in that room, which leads to the rest of him feeling completely uneasy about what pete could be doing in there. the last time pete was in there, he was trying to kill himself, afterall.

and its not until he places his ear right upto the door, that he realises that pete is saying his name. no. not saying it. moaning it. vegas knows exactly what pete sounds like, when he's on the cusp, about to orgasm. and vegas shouldn't. this feels ... too private to be intruding in on. until he realises that he is pete's boyfriend. that its come to this: he can't even pleasure pete enough anymore, so pete has to go to seek and chase out that pleasure by himself.

so vegas opens the door. and what he had suspected was right: pete's lying there, naked, on that same bed, touching himself, one hand wrapped around his neck as the other is jerking himself off. and when pete's gaze finally meets vegas', he doesnt shy away. he doesnt curl in on himself. he doesnt apologise or justify himself or his actions. he has tears in his eyes, his voice is hoarse, and he begs for vegas as he tells him he needs him.

and it feels like this was the one thing vegas didn't even realise he perhaps needed to see, for all the pieces to finally fall into place, for the wall he built up between him and pete to finally crack and break, and vegas strips himself naked and moves towards the bed until he's finally, finally, on top of pete. and pete offers his hands, just like he did back then, and vegas kisses them, just like he did back then. but this time, pete doesnt offer him the rope. so vegas grabs his wrists and holds pete's hands above pete's head and pins them down to the bed with his own hands, the grip bruising, just how pete wants it.

and he kisses him. ferociously at first, but it sweetens out into something so languid and slow and deep, a pilgrimage of each other's mouths, until vegas has to pull away to breathe. and pete is beaming. basking. his tears glisten and vegas doesnt even realise when he started crying, until pete tells him that he's missed him. vegas knows what pete means exactly by that. and all vegas can do is apologise, again. and the look in pete's eyes shifts to something much darker, hungrier then, even as he continues to cry, as he looks down at vegas' mouth. he tells vegas he doesnt want his apology. and vegas moves one hand away from holding pete's, and down to gripping his jaw, his thumb running over pete's bottom lip, as he asks him what he wants. and pete keeps his reply simple as he wraps his legs around vegas' hips and draws him in, completely down on top of him: he wants vegas to take him. to not hold back anymore. to let it out and to let go.

[thatgirl4815]

Pete is deprived. This episode proves that Pete is thirsty to the hundredth degree. Thirsty to the point of being unhinged. Thirsty enough that I can offer it as solid evidence of his deep-rooted emotional turmoil. 

I’ve had time to sit with my thoughts, but I still can’t decide if Pete surprised me this episode or if I knew it all along. 

It’s not just that Pete literally turns Vegas around and plants the kiss of the century on him (though that’s monumental on its own)--it’s that he literally pushes the rope into Vegas’s hands. I don’t know about you, but the way he holds them up doesn’t seem like a mere suggestion--it’s someone who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to go after it. (Did he forget that Vegas is literally his captor? The man who brutally tortured him on multiple occasions?? THE ENEMY???)

The second insane aspect of this is that Pete enjoys being at Vegas’s mercy, even after everything he’s done. Now, I can understand someone enjoying this type of thing--like what you like--but not from the man who, as I said, brutally tortured him. Where’s the trauma? Where are the torture flashbacks as Vegas stands over him?? Where is the jolt of fear as his hands come in contact with the chains??? Hell, Build said he was having a hard time recovering from the torture scene, and he’s only acting it out, not literally living it.

I realize this all sounds like a giant criticism, but I assure you that what I’m trying to say is that Vegas is 100% right in his dialogue this episode: “Don’t try to hold it. I know you’re suffering inside. Let it out.” And Pete took that as a challenge.

I made a post a while back about how Pete certainly does not enjoy the pain Vegas inflicts upon him during the torture scene--there’s nothing remotely romantic about it in that context. But this scene tells a different story. And it just reminds me that Pete has his own issues. He’s broken in his own way. We can infer that his father’s abuse did some damage, but his desperation here suggests that it goes much, much deeper. 

This all reminds me how much VegasPete’s relationship centers around Vegas. And I get it. He’s the villain, so it’s no wonder they’re putting a lot of effort into humanizing him. But I think Pete deserves to be talked about a lot this episode, because I’m just going to say it: I don’t care how many casual interactions you’ve had with Vegas the last few days--having sex with the man who left all those scars on your chest is the boldest move Pete could’ve made.

And to think, this is what we’re left with:

Just look at that smile. Dare I say Vegas himself seems surprised by it? Once again, Pete is flooring Vegas the same way he has floored me. 

Anyways, thanks for coming to my Ted Talk on emotional deprivation. *jumps off a cliff*

[aprilblossomgirl]

Kim & Chay - Emotional Turmoil

The perks of having a layered show, we were presented with the spectrum of events with the complexity of the characters, which we can't easily compartmentalize. Some parts might be appealing to some, while different parts more to others. In episode 11, I found my attention snatched by Kim-Chay's emerging conflict amidst the heavy focus on Vegas-Pete arcs and Kinn-Porsche's post-family-approval honeymoon phase. The episode signified peak emotional turmoil for both Kim and Chay, each for different reasons, with some intersecting points yet to be revealed.

After the "rejection" scene, I first couldn't fully grasp how I actually felt about these two boys. On automatic response, though, my heart breaks for both of them. This excellent meta post by @luckydragon10 about Kim and isolation very well explained my thoughts on Kim and why he behaved and reacted the way he did. After reading the post, I was motivated to dive more into my thoughts about Kim-Chay.

Fair warning: this will mostly based on my perspective and interpretation of their scenes and acting. While I don't intend to draw on the theory of MBTI, I need to say up front that I will use a 'feeler' spectrum hat in trying to see things from both Kim's and Chay's positions. They might not conform to any projection on how these characters should or should not be presented in the show.

=========================

Chay's Breakdown

Let's start with Chay. The boy definitely has too much on his plate to digest. First, being kidnapped when seconds ago he just happily prepared a meal for Kim at home after snuggling all night (was it really, or was it a short nap only?). Second, right after being saved (not knowing it's by Kim himself), he finally learned about his brother's involvement in a mafia world related to his kidnapping. Third, with a sudden move into the Theerapanyakul estate, he needs to also enter the mafia family himself. Fourth, the shock from learning about Kim being the youngest of the Theerapanyakul brothers. Fifth (I'm speculating on this one), the realization of the motives behind Kim's guitar tutoring now seems to be not as genuine as Chay would like. And sixth, that straightforward "Have you ever loved me?" "I'm sorry."

When I first saw Chay standing at the edge of the swimming pool, waiting for Porsche, my heart sunk a little. This was Chay's first appearance in the episode, and I think we all can see the stark difference in Chay's facial expression from the previous episodes. The usual cheerfulness and awkward innocence were wiped off.

I appreciate the dialogue between him and Porsche addressing Porsche's decision to take the bodyguard job first. I noticed a slight tension between them, and while I personally did not take Porsche reassurance really well, Chay definitely did or at least tried hard to. I also love seeing Porsche ask Chay for permission to take care of both him and Kinn and that he can't leave anyone behind. And Chay, being usually straightforward with his feeling and reaction, answered with a hug and an "I miss you, brother" instead of a yes/no. Their hug at the end supposedly offered warmth, but the missing smile from Chay made my heart sink a little deeper. Well, okay, he slightly smiled but didn't quite reach the eyes as one during their hug in episode 1.

Now jump into Kim's place, where Chay confronted him about everything. Okay, I was a mess here. So let's cut things to where Kim left the crying Chay behind: the boy is heartbroken. Chay sure knows what does it means to answer a yes/no question with anything but a yes or no, with letting go a hand instead of giving a hug. But who really knows what's inside Kim's fortress (as many people called it).

That's it. And do I not want to smack Kim with Tankhun's tray? Out of the question. But it can wait. No picture of crying Chay here, I'm not sorry.

Kim's Back Down

Now we look into Kim. The meta post I mentioned at the beginning perfectly outlined the reasons behind Kim's actions toward Chay, to all of which I couldn't agree more. So I just wanted to add my personal take on him.

First, out of all the six main characters of KP, I must say Kim is the hardest to read. With their minimal screen-time, I must say it's easier to read Chay. But maybe this' factoring to how Chay is presented: expressive, honest, and straightforward. Most of the time, Kim was presented with cool/cold, nonchalance mannerism which always ended up in me asking, "what the hell is this guy thinking?" But then we had these two opposite sides of him: the softest and the (not so) grimmest. Both related to Chay: when Chay hugged him and when Chay was kidnapped. This might not be enough to signify Chay's importance to Kim, but I'd take all of that.

Second, now the reason why he 'i'm sorry'-ed Chay, I'm speculating it has something to do with the investigation that he's been conducting. Before the swimming pool scene between Porsche and Chay, we were shown that Kim had a hand in the case of the Kittisawasd parents' accident. So it might trigger him to finally cut things off with Chay, something he should've done earlier. But of course, he couldn't resist Chay. If my assumption is correct, he's already felt guilty for letting himself get involved too far with Chay. Tutoring and approaching him while digging for information about Porsche already felt bad enough. He couldn't imagine what staying in whatever he had with Chay while investigating the possible connection between Chay's parent's death and his own father would do any good.

Third, this is where I wanted to come back to the discussion of Kim and isolation. So far, the show only told about Kim's physical distance from the main family but never told us why he chose be away. Did something bad happen to him before, just like Tankhun's kidnapping? Not that the show had mentioned. Did he catch something off about his father or the rivalry between the main and minor families early on? And if so, how? This, I could see as the possible reason for him to isolate himself from his own family. Maybe to give him more 'space' and freedom to investigate everything? Like Tankhun said, Kim's nosy. He might be away from the family but still care enough about them in his own way. I would like to believe so.

As someone within a rather extreme introversion spectrum, I can say that being too used to (self) isolation, once confronted with anything related to feelings, it is possible to automatically shut yourself away from the people you need to confront the feelings with. You've unconsciously trained yourselves to avoid making deeper connections with people, and as a result, you would develop constant reluctance and fear of being in a close relationship. You would end up rejecting or pushing people away despite longing for the connection, and longing for the person themselves. I could sense the awkwardness and tension behind Kim's cold, nonchalance front that he put on while backing down from Chay implied all of these. Or maybe it's just me. I've prepared to be wrong.

=========================

So, will there be any reconciliation? At this point, I'm not so sure. Chay needs his time to process his acceptance of having his full plate. Confronting Kim again soon might have a reverse effect on this process. As for Kim, I couldn't imagine him not coming back to his family and taking the matters involving his family and the Kittisawasd's incident into his own hands than fully entrusting the case to his brother(s). Dealing with whatever (feelings) he has for Chay right now will only distract him more than support his mission.

Yes, I wanted Kim to apologize to Chay. Yes, I wanted Chay to not too easily forgive Kim. Yes, I wanted the older brothers to give Kim a hard time for hurting Chay, and I wanted them to defend Chay with all their might. But I don't think that's how their dynamics work. There are 'works' to be done in their respective space before any apology and forgiveness could meet. And I will stop here.

=========================

KP consistently provides us with layered and complex characters, including Kim and Chay. Trying to empathize with each of them within their given bubble gave me a sense of understanding of why they behaved or reacted in certain ways. This is not to justify any wrongdoings from real-life perspectives, no matter how lightly it seems. It's more to understand how these imperfect characters within this fictional boundary will be played back into the show's central themes: a story of romance and crime in a mafia setting. And please remember (not to spoil any fun, but it's proven through the episodes): plot twists do happen.

Kim and Chay might be the least favorite pairing at this point, but I can't help letting these pent-up feels out of my chest. Of course, I had no intention to go this long, but now they were all out, I am relieved. For my possible incoherence, please do let me know if there're somethings that I might miss to pick up from the dynamics of this pairing.

[lu-sn]

i wonder if you have given any thought about what Vegas was doing or thinking during that scene when he had a meal for two after Pete escaped? how did he come to, clean himself up, and when did he decide to make a meal for himself and Pete? did he think "Pete will come back, and I should cook for him, make up for the noodles i wasted, he must be really hungry"? at what point did he start to think that Pete isn't coming back like the other time, that this time he fucked up so bad there's never ever coming back from this (what happened later at hum bar notwithstanding). but how he still tethered himself to that hopeless hope, until his guard came with news that shattered that hope to pieces. i just really love that scene.

oh god oh god. thanks for giving me a Very Important Reason to go watch ep13 again. i feel like i'm about to go on a very long ramble pls brace yourself 😂

let's say pete leaves around early lunchtime, gets back to the main compound by late afternoon, and noodle rice breakdown is a very late dinner. i think this is reasonable, and fairly well-supported by the show (though we can't say for sure).

so vegas has about ten hours or so to drop into a depressive spiral. hooray! that's plenty of time.

i think he wakes up, and he's dazed for a bit, because he's probably still in physical shock from having the living daylights punched out of him. and then he sees the open cuffs on the floor, and his heart drops into his stomach. he sits there for a moment, and then he bolts out the door.

and he's not really chasing pete - but he's looking for him. he is hoping so desperately that pete has just left the room, or something - that pete is still on the island somewhere, because this has happened before. pete has chosen to slip his cuffs, and pete has chosen to stay anyways. and if pete is still here, then vegas can fix this, dammit.

and he scours the whole island. he finds himself futilely checking the same places over and over again, even as it becomes starkly clear that pete isn't there. pete is gone.

i like to think that at this point? he's ready to chase. he's ready to risk it all, leave the island and hunt pete down, because vegas is still trying to salvage this. if he could just talk to pete, touch him so softly, vegas can convince him that everything is okay, that they can start over and set all of their pain aside.

but he rushes back into the house, to prepare to leave, and stops short, because he sees the food his dad flipped onto the floor. and he stumbles into the kitchen, and sees all of the food preparation that he knocked over in a blind rage.

and he limps into the bedroom, sees the noodles that he so deliberately poured out onto the floor, and this is when it really truly hits him. pete left for a very simple reason. it is because vegas wronged him. it is because pete deserves better than to stay.

putting the rest under a cut, oh god, why am i like this-

for the next few hours, my guess is that vegas oscillates wildly between having a mental breakdown and suppressing said breakdown to clean up. he seems like the type to attempt to enforce order on his surroundings when his life is falling apart. the whole while, he is also oscillating between hope and despair.

the urge to chase pete is gone, because pete deserved to leave. but the hope that pete might still come back? it's still there, because vegas is the best liar, and the best liars convince themselves that their lie is true. pete deserves to stay away, but pete will come back, because they saw each other. he hurt pete. but he's hurt pete before, and pete has come back. it might take longer this time, and he deserves that, but pete felt something for him, pete offered up his wrists and then grinned at him so contentedly. pete didn't promise he would stay, but pete also touched his cheek so gently before leaving. pete wants to come back, he does, he does, he will.

so vegas looks at himself in the mirror, shirt stained with pete's blood, and he screams. and then he rips off the shirt, stands under the scalding water in the shower and tells himself that he needs to be clean. he needs to clean up all of the food, show pete that he understands what he did wrong, that he is sorry, he's so sorry. he crouches on the floor, puts his head between his knees, breathes rapidly and shallowly. pete isn't coming back. he's alone again. the panic passes, and he gets up and starts cleaning again. if pete comes back, he needs to be ready.

and when he's done cleaning, he's crawling out of his own skin, but he also can't leave to go find pete, pete has to come back to him. that part is important. he doesn't quite get why, but he knows it is.

and he sees all of the remaining ingredients in the fridge after cleaning, and it's almost subconscious. i think that the urge to take care of pete properly, the way he should have, is eating vegas alive from the inside. (top drop, perhaps.) and so that's how he manages to cook a whole meal for two, arrange it so carefully, because if pete does come back - he'll be ready to give pete the whole world.

he sits there, and he waits, and the sun sets, and the food grows cold. and i think he knows, deep down. but by god, he wants it so bad that he can't convince himself it's impossible.

of course, eventually the guard reports back, and then he can't lie to himself anymore. it's over.

vegas sits down on the ground, starts to eat by himself, because there's no point in waiting any more. and then he stops eating, and starts crying, because there's no point in eating without pete there to eat the food vegas made for him.