#everything 5 pounds
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Hey girlies update time… I’ve been sent to a clinic for my weight and it’s been really stressful and my life is kinda falling apart lol there’s defiantly good aspects to it but ughhh I’m like :( bc my diets had to change so much and I feel so unproductive now and I’m really scared about gaining weight but they’d said I’d like die or whatever if I didn’t which um. I genuinely feel so disgusting heavy and sick and disgusting and DISGUSTIGN eww and my disordered eating brain is coming back in full force after silently controlling me for like nearly years at this point and it’s all so much. the hardest thing about this is that I don’t want to gain weight at all and particularly I don’t really even care to live anymore. I’m scared everyday I’ll fall deeper and deeper back into disordered eating I’ll get lonelier and lonelier I’ll get fatter and fatter I’ll lose everything I’ve ever built for myself… ugh this is a mess but ong.
#it’s hard because I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging like HEYYYY I GOT HOSPITALOZED FOR BEING A SKINNY QUEEN YASS but omg I can’t#this is so sickening I feel so fat and disgusting there were two days where I could feel like I could eat the calorie count they gave me but#now I feel like a FAT FUCKING BEKUGA WHALE I feel like I gained 40 pounds in a day I feel so hulking and disgusting I’m eating so much ew#the self harming intentions came back because I lost my only form of control over my autonomy. I feel like there’s no other way for people#to hear me other than harming myself and depriving myself#I feel like such a waste#it’s like tomorrow I want to go back restrict restrict restrict restrict eat 5 calories exercise for an hour#but I just can’t.#I don’t have anyone to talk to because no one understands.#I feel so lost#the one thing I enjoyed about the diet change is the snack kinda… it gives me motivation to keep going.#everything is so stressful though and I don’t know how to encapsulate everything AT ALL ugh#I’m so tired and I just want to fall over and die already but… idk#I want to restrict really badly. I want to purge and fast again. I want to become anorexic. I was at to scream out and cry and say that I’m#hurting and I’m weak and I can’t take it anymore#ugh#omg I haven’t made a huge tumblr rant in months omg I haven’t USED tumblr really in months omg#my ED loves tumblr like girl hey
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My mutuals have such cool jobs and degree programs and I simply fry chicken and slice bologna 👍
#esp since the boars head recall everyones buying kahns because its 5 bucks a pound and the only bologna we got and its rly good#bologna wise i mean but its good. we have a garlic one too#its hell when we rarely run out but i dont blame them its the only deli meat they can get thats five bucks a pound lmfao#anyways one lady who worked mornings quit ig we knew it was coming. another lady is close to being talked too cause she calls off so much#but its cause she has an injured back and now she has covid but genuinely shes out so much. so I was by myself half my shift but twas fine#my coworker stayed very late god bless 👍#i fried two things today and still smell like fried chicken like why. it permiates everything.#i dont wash my hair daily ofc so my hair and my pillow smell like it too#anyways ate some mochi icecream 👍 such a waste of good mochi and ice cream but i cannot deny the novelty of#holding balls of icecream in my hands. the chocolate ones have bits of chocolate in it too thosw are good
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I think I’m the most depressed and stressed out I have ever been in my entire life and one time my house burnt down in a forest fire
#this shit sucks#I want to be angry and mean to everyone and everything and I’m like#Babe get a grip we have to do better than this#I preferred having to restart my life over with no warning over this several months bullshit#I have lost 5 pounds though so I guess that’s something
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When it's a fire drill but your office is located at the 11th floor & you have to go down the stairs
#aM DYINGGG#ITS GADDAMN 11TH FLOOR#AM 238 POUNDS & IVE BEEN LIVING ON THE GROUND FLOOR FOR 5 YEARS NOW & MA KNEES KENNOT#obviously am the last one to arrive & even need to hold the fire marshal arm just to walk cause everything was shaking!!#office shenanigans#random ramblings#myself
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I dont need these things but i wanna get those like finger pulse oxygen readers and the like blood pressure wrist cuffs. I dont need them i go to dr appts all the time and ive never had issues but like all of a sudden i feel like i really need them and i need to know these stats daily
#we technically have a blood pressure cuff my mom wanted one and then we kept it around before we knew i had sezuires cause we#were worried cause id just have episodes and nearly black out so my dad had me check it a lot#but its the arm one and i dont know how to use it#also ive been like worried a lot lately abt getting seziures which idk why cause theyve been very controlled for like year n half 2yrs now#so theres no reason i should be concerned but i am and i think taking my vitals everyday would make me feel much better#cause like nevermind the fact i havent had a deep breath in like 5 years and im constantly lifting like many many pounds of stuff#all at once all day long and like getting a workout essentially my slightly elevated heart rate means im just gonna like#drop to the floor n black out or like explode or something like theres no reason i need to be taking my pulse like 10 times a day#but it makes me feel better and i will give into that#much like spraying my house with lysol constantly or having to do my door lock routine like 3 times a night it makes me feel better#and i will totally give into that#like thats relatively normal i feel like#i wore a watch for like 2 months straight cause in my mind that was the only thing preventing nuclear war and like i dont wear watches#like that but alas i had to cause im built different (incorrectly) and it was my job to prevent nuclear war#wow im so normal about everything
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the eternal question: is scheduling w friends as an adult That Hard or am I just bad at it
#4 different people have left me on read today; 1 cancelled our plans 4 hours before we were due to meet#I've been sitting home alone for 2 days going insane. looking forward to One (1) coffee date & that fell through#idk why I'm taking it so hard this time I'm usually fine!! but I find myself wishing I didn't have the day off I wish I did have work :(#like it's tiring yeah but it beats sitting here not knowing what to do w myself#& I'm working all weekend & only leaving the house to see the doctor. oh joy#I've been productive ironing writing fixing the car. that's not the problem#I had 4 social plans this month. that's it#that's like seeing each friend once a month!! I can't keep this up!!#is this the norm for adulthood? :(#& on one level I don't want to bother people or be clingy#but on another level I'm baffled that they don't get lonely too#the news has not shut up abt the Loneliness Epidemic since 2021#but if it's true why do so many people take so long to reply when I reach out? if they reply at all#I'm not going anywhere w this. idk#just one of those days#everything so fuck everybody suck :(#boomers got it right w the whole showing up unannounced at people's houses for a social call with a pound cake#now I have to go through 5 layers of bureaucratic bullshit to see a friend#assuming they don't cancel the day of ofc (((((:#I just wanna be like hello knock knock I am here. tell me abt yr life today & listen to mine & eat this cake#& the worst is when people are like 'I'm cancelling bc I'm tired xx'#OK A) u knew we had these plans for two weeks#but B) I'm tired too! I still love u ur still my friend! let us be tired together!#'I won't be social today I'm tired' my love we could watch movies in silence we could knit we could ball yr socks. idc#'I have to do the big shop today sorry' so do I!!! let us do the groceries together!!!#every time I've pushed someone to come out when they felt depressed or to let me accompany them when they were doing chores#they were like u know what I'm so glad u did this. thank u. this is way better than how I had planned this night to go#& I'm like any time!! I love u!!#& then it just happens all over again next time oh sorry I'm cancelling I'm busy I'm tired#like did u forget what a nice time we had last time? what changed? :(
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I keep staying up way too late and now I’m thinking about Seril my little curse of strahd gunslinger and how I need to talk about her more on here because I want to talk about her so bad
#dnd#curse of strahd#she's my baby and my darling and she's trying her best but she's very tired and everyone is stressing her out all the time#she's 4'11 and 90 pounds and very anemic#she has a negative strength score#women want her#she's from barovia but she got out for some years and was a pirate for awhile and then she was a solo adventurer#and she's seen so much weird shit#she grew up getting chomped by vampires but she's doing pretty okay mentally as long as she compartmentalizes everything#a combination of weapons feats and subclass have made her a mechanical nightmare for the dm and she can hypothetically attack 5 times#in an opening round of combat#she's shorter than everyone but the gnome but she scared two of her much taller party members until they got to know her better#she's been assigned mom at 25#her best friend is a tiny he/they gay kobold who taught her how to make guns on a pirate ship#she is the only party member who has not gotten at least one ominous secret zone chat with the dm because everyone else keeps fucking around#and thus finding out#she cannot read#she knits and crochets and enjoys cross stitching and flowers#she looks like an edgelord and seems intimidating because she's often very flat affect but she is in fact very sweet#and full of love#and wants to talk to people and get to know them and make friends#she's a nightmare to any npc who doesn't want to have a nice little chat#her introduction to van richten was shooting him twice because he was trying to steak the friend she had JUST gotten cool with hours before#she's a lesbian and she has canonically fucked more than anybody else in the party#she is kissing ireena#she had to make her guns special because she's so small#she has big tall energy but she's shorter than the 14 year old the party adopted#she just got some magic and she has no idea how or why#she is so full of love all 4 foot 11 inches of her anemic gay little frame is full of love#she eats raw potatoes like apples
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🐻📣 turned 2 1/2 lbs of onion into beautiful caramelized jam earlier today who wants me
#also made uhhhh 5 pounds (?!) of ginger lime gochugaru shrimp fried rice#we're getting snow again this week & i expect my ability to do Anything to get totally scrambled again so i made Lots of Easy Cozy Food#tomorrow i am making Soupe Jo. & maybe savory scones. YUM.#dial p for post#had to make this much onion jam bcuz the past two times i kept putting it on everything & getting sad when it ran out 🥲#cooking tag
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argh. i sorely miss writing as much as i used to, but the flow of it feels all wrong since i started having to do it exclusively on mobile and it sucks. maybe it's just time-and-distance-from-old-works goggles, but it feels like there's a noticeable difference for the worse since my hands went fuck and i hate how clumsy my writing looks to me now.
granted, maybe part of that is because i haven't written nearly as much in a long time and i just need to get back on the horse and shake off some rust, but man. doesn't feel good. i miss keyboards so much. :(
#whosebaby talks#medical issues cw#personal stuff#this post brought to you by 'i want to put out prompt calls again for various fandoms'#'but i feel horribly self-conscious about everything i've written in the last year plus'#'including things i was really proud of at the time'#i could write things and let them cook and come back to them weeks or months later to rewrite; and i think with some stuff i will#but prompts are something i want to be able to get out Quickly; and i both have zero patience to hold back when i'm excited to do a fill#and am :smith: because i used to be able to pound out prompts in like 5-10 minutes and still feel like they hold up a decade later#all of which is to say prompts are very much welcome; in particular for inscr/yption; lori/en legacies; rus/ty lake; and sd/mi#they warm my heart and i appreciate them; it just might take me a while to post them for self-consciousness/editing reasons
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hiiii. so. I'm no longer going to rio
#for starters I have a POUNDING headache from today's concert#because the heat was just unbearable#so I'm pretty sure just standing inside another stadium would be enough to knock me out#but I would be willing to at least try#but my flights simply aren't working out#the only flight I requested with a good amount of seats available is way too early and I'd have to leave the house at 5 am.#it's literally 2:30 am right now. just no#but I could ALSO get past that#if I had a guarantee that I'd get home in time for class#but the only flight back I requested has only 6 SEATS LEFT#and I can't request any other flights because it's a holiday#and my automatic pass app isn't working#so in conclusion. I'd have the risk of getting stranded there. and lose my fucking job#so... it's not happening#and honestly after everything that happened that stadium is so tainted to me#that I'll gladly go to my são paulo concert with shitty tickets instead#so yeah. hit me up if you know anyone from rio who needs tickets.#rambles*
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also some snaps from my europe trip over the past few weeks 💌 !!!
#we went to the english countryside + london + paris + amsterdam & a day trip bruges and it was So Fun <3#highlight of my trip was def the english countryside where we stayed w/ my aunt and the canal cruise in amsterdam lol#london was lovely but i hated paris everything was so. idk Off yk i js could not enjoy myself completely there#it was pretty though#also!!! my best friend went to the same places around the same time only some ouf our dates were switched so we were able to meet up a coup#times and had so much fun i miss her#AND I BOUGHT 6 BOOKS!!!!!#left with 2 came back with 8. oops#almost broke my back but it was worth it#like where else are u gonna get the entire pjo series of 5 pounds. certainly not here#ANYWAY i got back this morning anf i am sooooo happy 2 be home. travelling is fun but i love my bed more#🐚
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straightened up my room yippeee
#by which i mean took out the garbage bc it was full made my bed and organized my bag. which is all cleaning up my room ever is#but reporganizing my bag is the biggest once bc i scatter it to the seven winds of the sky. so i just have to grab everything and put it#back. bag tour: 1. sketchbook 2. notebook 3. book of crossword puzzles i always forget i have 4. my big fuckass wallet 5. my keychain with#80000 things on it 6. (i think it was 6) thing of pens 7. mosquito block (i should also have sunscreen but its missing). i think thats all#thats in rhere currently but usually my OH wiops 8 or whatever Glasses case. inside the glasses case is 2 chapsticks my nail clippers my#lens wip a hankerchief And a little drawstring bag with a spare core for my portable charger and my headphones jack for if they die#i forgot to mention in my wallet is my portable charger + a cord for it. and also a little open up fan and a thing if trivia cards. and then#like all the cards i have and approximately 3 pounds in change its a heavy wallet#ummm yeah. so usually i also have my bluetooth earbuds in but theyre charging. and then i usually have my umbrella#and when im Going out i put in my deodorant and my hairbrush just in case#and up until just now i had a big ring of hairties but i donated that to lamp since my hairs too short to rly need them anymore. and i#always keep 3 on my hairbrush anyways just in case i need them for whatever reason#i think thats everything. its pretty compact#OH and i have a waterbottle i havent been taking it out very much tho. mostly bc i havent been Going out very much#i need to wash it tho its in the bin to be washed. 👍👍
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if you guys see me typing a lot differently and reblogging aesthetic stuff sorry lmao
#im fighting for front rn cuz someone else wants to but if they do theyre gonna use all of the bodys energy and then prolly pass out#normally i would let her but the body is running on very little energy rn#and i dont think theres a chance in hell that i can get her to relax#she likes to overwork herself in everything she does#we will end up passed out in a park wearing too many neon layers and at least 5 pounds of jewelry listening to ptv and playing pokemon go#so if you happen to see some posts with a lot of emoticons and bright colors thats why lmao
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I WATCHED THIS THIS SUMMER AND IT WAS GORGEOUS!!!
Where is the whole recorded play? I need it now!!! Someone find it for me, please!
#celia shows up in my dreams#it was 5 pounds#best 5 pounds i have ever spend#yes they interact with the audience#it's everything#they gave us apples and lavender#it was also so queer#as an english student who is constantly bringing out the queerness in shakespeare I was so happy#I miss the Globe so bad#homesickness can be felt for reconstructions of elizabethan theatres
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oxenfree fucking sucks
#HOW DID THIS GAME GET SO MUCH HYPE#its so bad#i played the entire thing#first off the characters range from bland to infuriating#the walking. my god the walking. is agonisingly slow#to the point that you cant even succeed at one section of the game because shes too fucking show#the radio controls are infuriating#the ghosts are only interesting at the beginning and then theyre just tropey as hell#the sound is awful and the music overpowering#the DIALOGUE. 'uwu its more natural' uh no#no interrupting your friends with a non sequitur is not natural conversation#god#i rly wasted like 5 hours of my life to that shitty game#bc ppl compared it to nitw#nitw im so sorry a bitch would say that about u#i literally got the 'good ending' and am still stuck in the damn time loop#so basically everything i did was pointless?#'oh you have to play it again to get the good ending-'#literally nothing in the universe could make me play Walk Agonisingly Slowly With Gods Most Irritating Teenager ever ever again#there are people who LIKE ren. out there in the world#awful. just awful.#wasted like 3 entire pounds on thos garbage.
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The 141 getting you to stay in bed
It gets a little spicy towards the end so 18+ please
Soap
Waking up to the feeling of a numb arm is extremely unpleasant, but you suppose it comes with the territory when trying to cuddle 200+ pounds of rugged Scotsman
You manage to free your trapped limb and roll to the other side of the bed, but that space behind you remains empty for only about three seconds before Johnny's pressing himself flat to your back
Now with his arms around your waist, he holds you tight to him, mumbling unintelligibly against the back of your head
He drifts back to sleep quickly enough, his grip on you starting to loosen, only for it to tighten again when he feels you try to wriggle out of his hold
The incoherent grumbles from his throat grow increasingly displeased the more you try to shift away from him, until finally he huffs a grumpy, “Quit it,” into your scalp, hooking his leg over yours
If you still don't listen, he'll have no choice but to take drastic measures to keep you still. Fed up with your squirming, he simply rolls on top of you, pinning you to the mattress below him
You can try beating on his back, telling him that you can't breathe, but he just shrugs and says, “Use my breath.”
Don't even bother trying to explain how oxygen doesn't work like that, because he doesn't care. “Tough,” he mumbles into the crook of your neck. “‘Cause I'm no' movin’.” And by extension, neither are you
Gaz
Kyle is also a stage 5 clinger, but he's less boa constrictor and more baby koala
So when your alarm goes off at 8am precisely, it's no surprise that the man behind you grumbles in protest
“It's Saturday,” he bemoans. “Why you getting up so bloody early?” When you tell him you like to keep your routine even on the weekends, he just groans and mutters, “Five more minutes.”
You can try to squirm and wrestle out of his hold, but he'll just tighten his arm around your midsection, keeping his front firmly glued to your back
But you need to get up! You have to pee for goodness’ sake!
“Use the empty bottle on your nightstand,” he mumbles into your hair, peeking an eye open as you crane to look back at him. The look you give him at such a horrid suggestion has him sighing. “Alright, fine,” he relents and releases you. “But be quick. Bed gets cold without you.”
Once you've answered the call of nature, don't be surprised to find Kyle waiting for you directly outside the bathroom. He's wrapped up in your comforter like an oversized burrito, only his face and feet visible as they peek out from under the plush cover
With a sleepy pout, he holds his hand out for you, tugging you back to bed with him. Oh, he’ll make sure you get those five more minutes alright. Even if he has to drag you kicking and screaming
Ghost
First of all, don't even kid yourself into thinking you'll stand a chance of waking up before him or sneaking out of bed without him knowing. This man is the epitome of a light sleeper, whenever he does sleep, that is
So when you do finally wake up, it comes as no surprise to see Simon already up too. But just because you're both awake now doesn't mean you have to immediately be productive; quite the opposite, in fact
With how busy and stressed he is all the time, Simon loves nothing more than to just lie in bed with you and do nothing for hours
If you try to get up, he's stopping you with a gentle hand on your wrist, his voice quiet but firm as he commands, “Stay.”
You'll lay back down for a bit to appease him, but it won't be long before you feel guilty since you have so many things you should be doing instead
But actually, no, you don't have anything to worry about. He's already taken care of everything before you woke up, he humbly informs you
The cat's been fed, the bin’s been taken out to the curb, he's even gotten your breakfast typed up on his phone – just give him the word and he'll place the order
So now when he opens his arms for you, having you bury your face in his chest, you've got nothing to worry about except savoring this moment with him
Price
John is also a very light sleeper, so it only takes .02 seconds of you trying to stand from the bed for his bear-like snores to cease and his eyes to flit wide open
He'll grab you by the shirt hem, mumbling, “Where’re y’ goin’?” But it doesn't really matter what your answer is because his response is always the same: “No y’r not.” And pulls you back down. “Y’r stayin’ right here.”
He'll lie on his stomach, face smushed in the pillow, a big, warm hand tucked under your shirt resting against your belly
With nothing better to do, you scroll through your phone, catching up on your socials, the news, etc., but it's not long before you hear him grumble, “Put that away, will ya? ‘S too early to be meltin’ your brain with that thing.”
Well, what does he expect you to do? Lie there and stare at the ceiling for an hour? “Expect you to be good,” he tells you. “Don't make me get the handcuffs out again.”
Now that you have to laugh at. If he thinks it's too early to be on your phone, it's definitely too early for that
He smirks, opening his eye just a sliver, and the hand on your stomach begins to rub soft circles. “Is that so?” he taunts, his touch sneakily edging downwards. And when he slips beneath the band of your shorts, well…
Let's just say you're not leaving that bed anytime soon
#simon riley x reader#simon ghost riley x reader#ghost x reader#john mactavish x reader#john soap mactavish x reader#soap x reader#kyle garrick x reader#kyle gaz garrick x reader#gaz x reader#john price x reader#captain john price x reader#captain price x reader#simon riley#john mactavish#kyle garrick#john price#tf 141 x reader#task force 141 x reader#task force 141#cod x reader#call of duty x reader#cod mw2#call of duty#modern warfare 2
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