#everyone's moved on to other interests and I'm still here obsessing over media about/taking place in dreams!!!!

[cowardlychimera]

also gonna ramble a little about my crossover au I've been obsessing over for ages, since I'm working on some art for it right now...

I'm Doing It Scared though so under the cut it goes !

okay so. it's a crossover of omori, yume nikki, yume 2kki, and .flow! yay!! fucked up dreamers!!!

I'm really happy with it though because of the worldbuilding I've had to piece together using stuff from all the games, and I'd say how dream worlds work in this au is pretty neat...

anyway, since omori is the only game with a clear story, for the other 3 I just picked some themes from the games and theories I like that I thought would work well together, and I think I did a decent enough job to make Madotsuki's, Urotsuki's, and Sabitsuki's stories in this au pretty interesting!

okay now for a simple summary: it takes place after the good ending, a bit after Sunny's moved and settled in a little in his new house. Sunny could say he's doing better, but that leaves out the fact he's still struggling to reach out and open up. until one night he ends up on a balcony instead of white space.

after learning he's not the only dreamer out there, Sunny makes it his mission to find and help as many as he can! helping others like him counts as helping himself, right? (spoiler: wrong <3)

one last thing, I do eventually want to throw in more yume nikki fangames because I think it'd be even more fun. whole family of mentally ill dreamers yay <3

[inuyashaluver]

I love jealous fanfic, so right now, I'm obsessed with Felicitas Rauch right, and you and her go out on a date and the waiter is flitting with you and ask you questions and all that stuff and at the end of the night woth felicitas get quite angry, that waiter ask you out and you can do that every with the ending but I think it would be quite funny. Thank you, and I love your work ❤️

the waiter - felicitas rauch

felicitas rauch x reader

description: in which your girlfriend takes you out to dinner on your anniversary and the waiter seems to take an interest in you

warnings: swearing, suggestive, german in bold italics!

a/n: hiya!! thanks so much for the love and request, hope you enjoy ❤️❤️

⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆

you and your girlfriend, felicitas are very much enamoured with each other. everyone knew it, as did you and your girlfriend.

you two had been together for over 5 years, living together in germany absolutely smitten for each other.

—

you’re a sports journalist, having made the big move to germany from australia about 6 years ago. you had been learning german for a large portion of your life, you were relatively fluent but it still made you extremely nervous to interview people in their native tongues.

it was after a loss for wolfsburg that you and felicitas laid eyes on each other for the first time. she always dreaded interviews after defeat, she rolled her eyes when she got pulled for media.

but when she saw your pretty face on the pitch nervously shifting your weight between your feet, she perked up. she was excited, but you were a little tense, especially when you saw the gorgeous player smiling charmingly at you while she got mic’d up.

“hello” felicitas smirks, holding her hand to you for a handshake. you smile brightly at her, taking her hand and shaking it firmly. “hi, big fan” you say shyly, the girl in front of you raises her eyebrows amusingly, “well it’s very nice to meet such a pretty fan” she winks, your knees almost gave out.

“you guys ready?” your cameraman asks, cutting your interaction short. you give a curt nod, smiling at the girl who gives you a reassuring smile, almost implying you’d continue the conversation after your duties.

“hello everyone! (y/n) (y/l/n) here with the amazing felicitas rauch” you smile at the girl and she smiles back, waving to the camera before focusing wholeheartedly on you. she was entranced.

“despite the unfortunate loss today, you played amazing, a definite favourite in my opinion.” you talk directly to her, holding eye contact with the girl was hard but the way she’s smiling so softly at you made you feel a newfound confidence you haven’t had before.

“well that’s good to hear” felicitas laughs, moving her body slightly closer to you, you smile sheepishly and continue . “how are you feeling about the team’s performance overall?”

she nods at your words, “i think we played really well, even though we lost. but it’s nothing we won’t bounce back from, i think today we all made mistakes and that’s okay. the other team played better today and we’ll come back better” she shrugs, smiling at you while you listen intently to her words,

“we are definitely looking forward to the next match, thank you for speaking to us today” you smile at her, she places her hand on your arm quickly before letting it hang back to her side.

“it’s been an absolute pleasure” she smiles back at you, waiting for the camera to be turned off.

“thank you again, felicitas,” you attempt to shake her hand again but she experimentally pulls you into a quick hug. “no worries, and please, call me feli, i hope i see you around” she grins as she pulls away, you can feel yourself a little warm.

“yeah, me too, feli” you breathe out, she smiles and waves at you, walking off to the change rooms but not without looking back at you and checking you out.

—

and she did in fact see more of you, you were at every game and it made both of you giddy. every time she saw you, she’d pull you into a tight embrace, each one longer with every interaction.

she made an effort to hang around after each of your interviews to chat, sometimes lasting over an hour of just getting to know each other.

and after a little while, she knew you liked her, your pink cheeks telling her everything. and so, she asked you on a date and laughed when you instantly agreed. the rest is history, now living together in germany absolutely in love.

—

it was your 6th year anniversary, you and felicitas were heading out on a special dinner date to celebrate. it took her everything in her power to let you actually leave the house, you looked absolutely beautiful. when you walked out into the living room to an awaiting felicitas, she swore her heart stop at seeing you.

“my god” she mumbles, she hides her face in her hands and leans back on the couch, you smirk a little and move to sit sideways on her laps. “you okay, baby?” you tease, placing an arm behind her neck, she takes her hands off her face and wraps an arm around your waist,

“mein liebling (my darling)” she breathes out, kissing your cheek repeatedly as she pulled you closer. “you’re absolutely beautiful” she says in awe, taking in your appearance, her heart fluttering at the thought of you being hers.

“you look beautiful too, geliebte (loved one)” you smile brightly at her, brushing a piece of hair off her face, both of you had pink cheeks, truly endearing how after 6 years you’re still so shy around each other.

“should we skip dinner?” she smiles suggestively, giving your thigh a gentle squeeze, you chuckle and give her a gentle kiss on her lips, hearing immediate protests from your girlfriend when you pull away.

“no, let’s go” you say cheekily, pulling her up from her seat and receiving a half assed glare from the girl you loved so much. “beauty only gets you so much” she sings out, teasingly pulling you close to her, lips grazing gently. she smirks at seeing you tense up, she knew how much she made you nervous and she loved it.

—

you both made it to the restaurant, lovesick smiles evident on both of your faces as you sat down. you both engage in conversation, hands interlaced over the table as you talked.

“this place is very romantic, feli baby,” you grin, resting your head on your free hand while you look at her, “only the best for mein ein und alles (my one and only)” she scoffs proudly, giving your hand a gentle squeeze as you chat about the ambience.

though, the moment is ruined when your waiter for the night makes his way over.

“hello, ladies, i’ll be your server for the night, can i get you anything to start with” the waiter smiles, only looking at you with a hungry gaze. felicitas immediately raises her eyebrows at watching you completely unaware, you were focused on her, your hands still intertwined on the table.

“maybe just some wine for now?” felicitas suggests and you nod at her with a smile, looking up at the waiter to see him already looking at you. “i’ll get that for you right now” he winks at you and you look slightly shocked, was he flirting with you right now?

the waiter walks off to get your wine and felicitas begins to giggle. you look at her in surprise, “looks like someone’s got a little crush” felicitas teases, you instantly roll your eyes and sit back in your seat, your hands separating causing the girl in front of you pouting slightly.

you were about to say something until the waiter comes back, “here you go, beautiful” he smiled charmingly and it made you feel sick, you smile kindly at him, thanking him and dismissing him but he doesn’t move.

“let me pour it for you, pretty girls shouldn’t pour their own wine” he smirks, pouring your glass first before quickly doing felicita’s, you not rejecting the offer had your girlfriend feeling a twinge of jealousy but you were genuinely in shock, not knowing what to do in this situation.

the waiter leaves for a moment and you nervously sip on your wine, felicitas narrows her eyes at you challengingly. “he’s friendly” she grits out, her jaw clenched as she takes in your appearance. “yeah” you cough out, quickly averting the conversation as both of you talk normally. until the waiter comes back and takes your order.

“excellent choice, you’re a woman of good taste” he winks when you recite your order, you freeze up and look at felicitas in shock.

“yes she is” she coos at you, she was furious, she tells the man her order and reaches for your hand again, you happily and very quickly take it. apparently this meant nothing to him because he flirted with you the whole rest of your time at the restaurant.

felicitas surprisingly let it continue, teasing you everytime he would leave. she’s not worried about it at all, but she is jealous. she knew you loved her more than anyone so she didn’t think that much of it, until you were about to leave and he slipped you a note with his name and number on it before walking away but lingering nearby to see your reaction.

“you’re fucking joking” she laughs in disbelief, promptly taking the paper and ripping it before throwing it on the table. the man’s eyes widen as felicitas pulls you up from your seat and pulls you close by your hips. she presses you into her, kissing you passionately, making you lightheaded when she slipped her tongue into your mouth.

she smiles against your lips when you whine into her mouth, wrapping your arms around her neck to pull her closer. after a few seconds she parts from you, giving you a playful slap on your behind before grabbing your hand and dragging you out of the restaurant, making an effort to walk in front of the waiter and winking at him, kissing your temple as she walks you out. “my pretty girl” she says proudly, no ounce of insecurity evident in your voice at seeing your desperation for her.

you give her a shy smile when she pulls you to the car, opening the door for you and rushing off to the driver’s side. as soon as she’s seated, she pulls you into another fierce kiss, pouring out all her pent up frustration into it. she pulls away with a teasing tug on your bottom lip between her teeth, placing a hand on your thigh as she drives you both home.

“it’s very cute that he thought he had a chance with my girl” she chuckles, giving your thigh a squeeze.

“i only want you, feli” you breathe out nervously, she looks at you briefly with a smirk, “oh, i know, baby” she teases, ready to get you home as quickly as possible so you know exactly who you belong to.

⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆

liked by lena_oberdorf and 44,232 others

feli_rauch: meine bessere hälfte (my better half), 6 years and counting xx

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yourname: my baby!

↳ feli_rauch: you’re the cutest

↳ yourname: yeah, the waiter thought that too

↳ feli_rauch: you are on very thin ice right now

↳ yourname: i love you?

↳ feli_rauch: mhm

[missmentelle]

Hi MM/Bee! I'm a recent college graduate. I always worked hard in school and I matured a lot at college, but I'm realizing how low my self-esteem is. I'm obsessing over the things I haven't done/accomplished, scholarships I never applied for, my body image, my high school days, "not being as successful as my high school class", an old crush who I never talked to (who is already super successful), and some days I feel like I messed up my life beyond repair. How do I work on self-love? Thank you!

For starters, I think it’s important for you to know that you aren’t the only person feeling this way. I get similar questions all the time, often from people who aren’t even out of their 20s yet. It isn’t even remotely true that you need to achieve wild success by age 25 or you’ve wasted your life, but I can understand why so many people feel that way. 

Our culture is dangerously obsessed with productivity, youth and achievement, to the point that it is actively making all of our lives miserable. It’s not hard to understand where people get this idea that they’re failing in life if they aren’t a 20-something well-travelled millionaire - that is the message our culture throws in our faces all the time - and it’s so unbelievably untrue. We compile “top 30 under 30″ lists, celebrate incredibly young performers and entertainers, and hold up extremely high-achieving lifestyles as something that every one of us needs to be striving for, but we don’t - there is no timeline for “success”, there is no one true definition of success, and people will take wildly different paths in life to arrive at the same set of goals. What you think of as your failure is not actually your failure - it’s a cultural failure that so many of us fall victim to. 

I think it’s also important to remember that you haven’t messed up your life beyond repair: you’ve barely started your life yet. Your college years are supposed to be a time of growing and maturing, and that maturation doesn’t end the moment you cross the stage - you’re going to continue to learn and change and grow throughout your lifespan. And growth means you are always going to mess some stuff up - that’s how we grow. All of us have to make mistakes in this life, and all of us have to prioritize rest sometimes; there are always going to be tests we don’t do so great on, social situations we flub, scholarships we don’t apply for, crushes we don’t confess to, deadlines we miss, relationships we let fall apart and goals we don’t achieve. Nobody speedruns life with 100% completion. And that’s okay. Those missteps and mistakes are what teach us to do better next time, or they give us the time to rest and gather energy for the next goal we want to work toward. 

Of course, learning to accept yourself and let go of cultural conditioning is easier said than done. For many of us, it’s a lifelong journey, if not the overarching theme of our lives. I wish there was a simple way to achieve it. I do, however, have some tips that can help you get there:

Unplug from productivity and self-improvement culture. Going online and seeing “Shakespeare wrote King Lear in quarantine, here’s how to maximize your quarantine time” and “here’s how I became a millionaire by age 22″ is not actually that motivating - in all likelihood, it’ll just make you feel bad about yourself. The internet is an absolute firehose of content about how you can do more, achieve more, squeeze more out of your day, and it’s completely overwhelming; honestly, most of us feel better when we stop pointing that firehose straight at our own face. It’s easier to believe that you are enough when you stop consuming content that tells you that you aren’t. Self-improvement culture looks positive on the surface, but we aren’t actually making ourselves better people by obsessing over our work and productivity - we’re just making ourselves miserable. 

Ask yourself “who benefits from making me feel bad about myself?” It’s not a coincidence that we’ve built a culture obsessed with youth and productivity - that culture is making a lot of people very, very rich. Whenever you can be convinced that you aren’t thin enough, not pretty enough, not good enough, you can be convinced to run out and buy things that might fix the problem. That’s how we ended up with a $10 billion dollar self-improvement industry and a $532 billion dollar beauty industry. Content people are harder to sell to. Of course, knowing that people are profiting off your insecurities doesn’t magically make the insecurities go away - but it’s important to start thinking critically and asking yourself “where do my insecurities come from? Is there really something wrong with me, or is someone profiting from making people like me feel this way?”

Do things that make you happy, just for the sake of doing them. Paint a picture. Plant a garden. Learn to play the mandolin. Read cheesy romance novels. Find some things that you enjoy doing just for you - things that you don’t need to maximize, monetize or optimize. You don’t even need to be good at them. If you enjoy doing it, have at it. So many of us are encouraged to suck the joy out of our hobbies by turning them into a “side hustle” or another regimented form of self-improvement. Find some activities that just make your life better and do them, just for the sake of doing them. 

Examine the role of social media in your life. Most of us don’t post a complete, unedited view of our lives on social media - we just post the highlights and keep the tough stuff - the rejections, the times we got ghosted, the bad hair days - to ourselves. And even if you know that cognitively, it still sucks to log onto social media when you’re having a “blah” week and find yourself bombarded with other people’s engagement announcements, med school acceptances, wedding pictures and photos of the new homes people just bought. Social media forces you to compare your “average” to everyone else’s “best”, all the time. And the numbers don’t help - social media lets you do an exact comparison of how many followers and likes you have compared to someone else, and seeing someone get more positive feedback than you can sting. Working on self-love means taking a hard look at the impact social media is having on your self-esteem. How much of your time do you spend on social media? How do you feel after you use social media? Are you following accounts that make you feel better about yourself, or worse? Do you ever feel bad about the number of likes or followers you have? Do you feel like your time on social media is wasted? Do you follow accounts that make you feel better about yourself, or worse? Stepping away from social media for your mental health is an important move for some people - you can still be happy for your friends and loved ones while acknowledging that it’s not good for you to have their achievements broadcast to you 24/7. 

Surround yourself with good, supportive people. If you find that your circle of friends tends to diminish each other’s achievements, be overly critical of each other or go out of their way to one-up each other, that’s probably not a circle of friends that’s going to be good for you in the long run. Find people who are genuinely happy for you, and make you feel supported and loved for who you are. If that means you need to branch out of your current social circles, that’s okay - you can find great friends in surprising places, and it’s worth the initial awkwardness of getting to know a new person. 

Challenge your definition of “success”. Success does not have to look like a high-paying job and a giant house and expensive cars and 2.5 honour roll children. It certainly can look that way, if you feel that those are meaningful goals for you, but it doesn’t have to look that way. A doctor is not necessarily “more successful” than a poet, and a lawyer is not necessarily “more successful” than a stay-at-home parent. The only person who gets to define what a “successful” life looks like is you. It takes time to unlearn the social conditioning that “money and prestige = success”, but it can be done. Success looks different for all of us. 

Set goals that are personally meaningful to you. It’s important for all of us to think critically about what we want, and it’s even more important to think critically about why we want it. Do we want that degree program or that accomplishment or that job because it aligns with our interests? To impress others? To prove someone wrong? Or because we feel like we’re supposed to want it? Try to focus your energy on the goals that you want, that are personally meaningful to you. If that’s law school, great. If that’s selling homemade jam at the farmer’s market, that is equally great. 

Remember that success does not have a deadline. I know this is very hard to believe in your early twenties, but your dreams do not shrivel up and blow away the day you turn 30. Life doesn’t end when your 20s are over. You haven’t missed your shot, and you don’t have to figure everything out right now. Growth and achievement are lifelong journeys - people find their dream jobs, accomplish their goals, finish degrees and meet the love of their life in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond. The best book I read this year was “Where the Crawdads Sing” a novel that spent 32 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list. It also happened to be the author’s first novel, and it came out when she was sixty-nine years old. Your dreams do not have an expiration date. 

Capture the joy and positivity in your life. I think one of the most important ways to feel better about your life is to spend more time focusing on all the good things in your life, rather than focusing on all the ways you could be better. Rather than fixating on whether you could have applied for more scholarships or turned that B+ into an A-, spend more time reflecting on the happy memories you have of your time in college. Again, this isn’t something that will happen overnight - it’s a learned skill that you need to consciously work on. Interrupt yourself when you are starting to fixate on things you could have done better, and make yourself list out three things you enjoyed about college. Connect with old college friends you haven’t heard from in a while. Try to take more notice of good things in your life as they happen to you - take more pictures, keep a journal, make collages, start a scrapbook, keep a box of momentos. You don’t need to have a perfect life to be happy; it’s okay to work on being happy with the life you have. 

Best of luck to you! MM

[smileysuh]

I don’t know if it’s intentional but in yujae’s fic wasn’t it clear that mc liked yuta more than jaehyun love your writing btw

first off, thank you! i'm glad you like my writing and that you seemed to have enjoyed the latest frat installment :)

honestly- if that's your read of the fic then that's your read aksjakjask

Below the cut is an explanation/analysis of character growth through the fic, not meant to be anything other than an explanation so you know my thought process here because even though i wrote this, as i said, we're allowed to have different opinions and vibes from fanfic aksjsakj :)

I went into the fic trying to highlight the differences between y/n's connection with either person and how they could all change as people, their tastes, needs, desires, etc...

at the start of the fic:

y/n and Jae are obsessed with each other physically and emotionally, but their communication has always been lacking.

in contrast, Yuta and y/n are emotionally intertwined as best friends, and know each other so intimately, their communication is so on point-

at the end of the fic:

Y/N and Jae are just as obsessed with each other as ever, but now they're communicating better and it's really elevated their existing relationship to a place of security because everyone's needs are being met.

Yuta and Y/N are still best friends who love each other and talk about everything, but now they've moved from friendship to lovers, and are excited to see where it takes them.

Honestly, I had planned on Y/N fully breaking up with Jae but he simply wouldn't allow it ASJASKSAJKASJ because i promised a Yuta fic, i tried to focus a bit more on y/n & Yuta's changing dynamic, and tried to give them a lot of alone time to grow together, but Jae has a vice grip on me ya'll aksjkajsak i was worried my Jae bias was showing a little TOO much, so I tried to make up for it with Yuta in some scenes so that's maybe why you saw Yuta as being more favoured. sajakjsak

I think, this fic was a bit of a wonky/mind fuck one because it really relates to a core issue I've had as someone polyamorous, which is that this society is so based on monogamy, but it's so hard for one person to provide all your needs- especially if they're distant due to their job or maybe they're just not super touchy people.

Also, the fic carries Home the idea that loving 2 people at once is entirely possible, it's just important not to compare the KINDS of love- like, why put more value in a sexual relationship over a friendship that you've had for YEARS longer, but at the same time, can you put your friend over your significant other who's been busting your back out for 3 years????

The catalyst of this fic is the realization that while Y/N loves Jae, he's not enough for her, and they could keep trying and he could keep being not enough- or she could just leave. there wasn't an option to just 'bring someone in to fulfill y/n's needs while Jae is away' because neither Jae nor Y/N have done poly before (as is the norm in our monogamous society at the moment), so Yuta, as always, bridged their issue, just as he acted kind of as a bridge to get them dating in the first place :)

aksjakjsakjaskas but yes thank you for your message! again i'm glad you liked the fic! hope this doesn't come off as me fighting you or anything ASJKAAJSKSA i think it's so interesting how people can look at a piece of media, whether it be a film or fanfiction, and come out of it with different experiences :) have a good day!

[leo-culture-technology]

I don't really have anything specific in mind, I'm actually kinda lost as to what to look for jkjsksjk I know I identify with some traits, like sensory issues and difficulty communicating (I do have a diagnosis of social phobia, though I've been thinking maybe autism would better explain other aspects of my life beyond social interaction). I've been reading some articles regarding late discovering of autism and mostly looking for experiences, so I can compare to my own. I feel like I should be looking for something else but I don't really know what? lmao I don't think that was really helpful, anything you can share would be good to me

This is a really long post so I'm going to put it under a read more to not clog up other people's feeds but I think the main areas to cover are:

- verbal communication issues

was your vocabulary/reading ever under/over developed as a child? Having a really advanced vocabulary is just as much a sign of autism as having delayed development in this area. Also, having a very hard to pin down accent, or taking on others' accents Really easily is common amongst autistic people. Do you ever have trouble speaking? I experience selective mutism and when I'm overwhelmed/stressed/upset I often find it hard to speak out loud and have to communicate through messages/notes, though when I'm not mute I'm very eloquent and have always had a vocabulary that was advanced, other kids found it hard to talk to me when I was younger bc they couldn't understand me, but equally comprehension/vocabulary can be delayed/compromised and you might find it hard to understand others because you struggle with that sort of thing yourself. Do you have issues with your tone of voice ever? I find that I can't read my own tone of voice or my volume, some things will come out really bitchy-sounding or angry-sounding and I won't be able to tell, or I might be shouting and not know it because it all sounds the same in my head really.

- sensory issues

do you have issues with certain types of sound? volume? quantity? volume doesn't bother me, but too many different sources of noise will send me into a meltdown so fast. Do you struggle with certain smells, bright lights, tastes, textures of food or of clothing, certain sensations, for example I get really stressed out by having wet skin/hair, and I can't stand the sound/feeling of something rubbing over carpet. I also find some tastes to be overwhelming. Under-sensitivity or processing issues can also be a symptom. Do you ever struggle to process reading/listening to something? I have absolutely awful retention for auditory information, I can't hold more than around 4-5 words in my mind at any one time, and I can't follow auditory instructions at all if there's more than one step, it needs to be written down. I also often struggle to read things because I don't process the words and they just look like meaningless letters on a page to me. I also really struggle to process my own thoughts and order them, I'm able to talk out loud but there are times where I can't write my thoughts without speaking them first because ordering my thoughts while they're still inside my head is very difficult. I also have an under-sensitive sense of smell and taste at times. I can't even smell when meat has gone bad and everyone else I know says it really stinks, and like I can't tell the difference between chicken gravy and onion gravy, for example, because they taste almost identical to me. And senses aren't just the basic five, either. Do you have a particularly high OR low pain threshold? interoception is the perception of bodily functions. Do you have trouble identifying/noticing when you're hungry/thirsty or when you need to go to the toilet e.g. you didn't need to go pee a minute ago but now you're Suddenly absolutely bursting to go because you didn't notice it earlier at all. Proprioception is your perception of your movements, balance and of where your limbs are in relation to your surroundings. Do you bump into things or fall over seemingly nothing a lot? Have you ever been told/noticed you move "strangely"? Do you ever walk sort of on your tiptoes or toes-first rather than heels-first?

- social issues

do you have trouble reading body language? facial expressions? figurative language? tone of voice? not every autistic person will experience all of the above, I know people who can't read body language but can read tone of voice, or can't read figurative language but can read facial expressions, etc. etc. Personally I struggle with tone of voice a lot, I can't tell when people are being serious or not, or whether they're upset or not, tone of voice doesn't really tell me anything about how they're feeling of what they mean. Figurative language varies, I understand metaphors and I often understand sarcasm, although I won't get it if it's too deadpan, and I sometimes miss hyperbole and think people are being serious. I also can't tell whether people are teasing me or genuinely being mean the vast majority of the time. I tend to rely on speech patterns and word choice a lot to understand people, personally. I pick up on what sorts of words they use in what moods and use that largely to inform my interpretations of their current mood based on the words they're choosing. Do you ever struggle understanding what is/isn't socially appropriate? I overshare a lot bc I don't rlly understand what is "too much information" and what isn't, and I also don't understand really how to treat people differently based on their "social role", like I treat someone like a friend regardless of whether they're a stranger, a classmate, a friend, a family member, a colleague, a boss, a teacher, etc.

- need for routine/dislike of sudden/significant change

this isn't always as clear as like needing an entire day to be a routine, it can be little things. I'll give some examples: I have to brush my teeth in a specific way - I count the number of passes of the brush over each section of my teeth, I have to eat a sandwich in a specific order of bites, many food places I will order the same thing every/nearly every time and I will eat that order in the same way, I wash my body/hair in a certain way/order in the shower every time, sometimes I get weirdly obsessed with symmetry and I have to walk in a certain way and if I step "wrong" I have to hop around on one leg until I feel "balanced" again, I have to do my daily tasks on genshin impact in a certain order, etc. etc. I could probably think of more if I tried. I will often get distressed/overwhelmed/upset if any of these "routines" are disrupted somehow. My original method of eating a sandwich applied to when they're cut across into rectangles, so I used to hate eating triangle sandwiches because I couldn't eat them "correctly" until I figured out a similar way to eat triangle sandwiches, and now I Have to eat them in that way because it's "correct" and I'll feel uncomfortable otherwise. Note that this isn't like OCD because it's not anxiety-based, it's based on the fact that it feels like the "correct" way to do it, and that any other way is simply "wrong" and you don't like doing it "wrong". The need for routine and dislike of change might also manifest in needing to plan things ahead days in advance, you also might be like me and be very capable of impulsively doing things like going out if You decide to do it, but if someone Else suggests it, then you need the preparation time. - stimming/special interests

stimming can be honestly anything. I tap my foot, I sing, I have a whole folder names "stim games" on my phone, I type, I eat, I chew gum, I flap my arms, I scratch fabrics, I smell blankets/clothing. Stimming just means self-stimulation and is absolutely any repeated action that you find soothing/cathartic in any way. Under here I'm also going to mention samefoods: foods that you feel comfortable eating even when you don't feel comfortable eating anything else. Like if too much flavour/smell/texture feels overwhelming, most autistic people will have food/s that aren't at all stressful to eat and they can default to at those times. Mine is a specific brand of chicken nuggets, I'll often fall back on those when eating anything else feels overwhelming but I need to eat Something, and I can usually handle those when I can't handle other things.

as for special interests, they are anything that you're kind of obsessed with. You can have multiple, they can change over your life, but your interest tends to go much deeper than that of a neurotypical person's and you feel a need to know everything about it and struggle to hold conversations about other topics because it kind of just takes over your brain. when I was younger some of my special interests were final fantasy, anime, hello kitty, languages/linguistics has always been a special interest of mine, kpop is definitely one, astrology is also for sure one. I fall in and out of being obsessed enough with genshin to call it a special interest. I had a friend in highschool whose special interest was the periodic table, for a while they were obsessed with the 8 times table, and then it became dinosaurs. My little brother is autistic and his special interest has always been video games, he's really interested in retro games, he loves Minecraft and Mario too, when he was younger it was ben 10 for a while, there was also a period where all he wanted to do as a kid was rewatch the cars movies. Media likes to portray special interests as being academic but they can truly be absolutely anything. A desire to know absolutely everything about trains or flowers or kpop is just as much a special interest as neurology or maths or physics or smth like that.

Another thing I've just thought of to be noted, is hygiene:

some autistic people might appear to have borderline OCD tendencies where they can't handle dirt/mess and need everything to be tidy/clean all the time. This is definitely one of the stereotypes. But struggling with hygiene is just as much a symptom of autism. If you struggle to remember to shower/wash hands/brush teeth/do laundry/etc. that could well be an autism symptom. I found out I'm sensitive to mint and especially to toothpaste, it makes my mouth feel like it's burning and like I'll actually cry if it touches my tongue bc it hurts that much lmao. I discovered a toothpaste that's unflavoured and doesn't foam up and now I can brush my teeth without pain but for a long time I struggled with consistently brushing teeth bc of that. I also struggle with showering bc of being stressed out by wet hair/skin. Sometimes it's also a memory thing, and I forget to do these things. I also absolutely suck at keeping my room clean, idk why I just Really Can't lmaoooooo

I'm certain there are things I haven't covered, these are mostly pulling from my own experiences of autism from myself and those around me. All of this might apply to you, it might not, but I hope it makes sense and has given you a good starting point of things to examine within yourself and questions to ask yourself <3 I wish you well bub and please always feel free to ask more questions and/or talk to me more about your experiences <3

[annaverabooks]

Welcome to the chronicles of Anna Vera's publishing journey—a blog that will offer the level of unabashed candor that will likely create some high-quality blackmail one day.

So, stay tuned. And screenshot these posts. It's just a matter of time before I say something I regret.

Let's kick this blog off by answering everyone's most overwhelming, burning question: "Why the hell are you on Tumblr? It's 2021."

Well, let's just say it's the least of all evils. Instagram is becoming a TikTok poser—and while TikTok is entertaining to a degree, it's a hard-and-fast route to sensory overload (at least for me).

Facebook is the social media equivalent of being in a codependent-narcissistic relationship, in which you're perpetually gaslit, abused, manipulated, and exploited. So, needless to say, I kicked it to the curb years ago and only dare venture back to interact with my Patreon writing critique group: The Writerverse Elite.

And Twitter? Well, we all know Twitter is hell itself.

Ten years ago, I had a blog on LiveJournal and I found it to be quite a nice experience (even when nobody was reading my shit—which, let's face it, was the case more often than not).

Thus, I'm here. Just a girl, standing before a . . . another social media conglomerate . . . Is Tumblr technically a conglomerate? Alas, I don't have the attention span required for that Google investigation. Whatever.

Let's get a move on: My name's Anna. I've been writing almost daily for twenty years and still have yet to make something of myself professionally. It'll happen someday, though, goddamn it.

A long time ago, I got into Pitch Wars with my Upper-YA Sci-Fi novel, WHEN STARS BURN OUT.

This was back when THE HUNGER GAMES, DIVERGENT, and THE MAZE RUNNER were huge, and thus the publishing industry was over-saturated with dystopian fiction.

Long story short: My post-apocalyptic book, while an interesting-ish read, had no place on shelves. My Pitch Wars mentor at the time was a successful hybrid author and encouraged me to self-publish. I've always been a neurotic control freak, so the idea of unchecked creative liberty really turned me on.

So, I gave indie publishing a shot. And I've loved every single thing about it.

That being said, I could really use a traditional advance to expedite my dreams of writing full-time (I'm currently the owner and head editor for my company, Writerverse Editing Services, and while I'm obsessed with working for myself, my dream has always been to be an author—not an editor). Anyway, I've got a Grimdark Fantasy that's almost ready to roll, and I hope it'll achieve the commercial success my ego shamelessly craves.

Until then, I'll be sitting here watering the plants I've hoarded and arguably have no space for. Which leads me to a few non-writing related "fun" facts about myself: I'm a plant-based minimalist currently living full-time in an RV, which I love.

My partner and I plan to go boondocking for most of 2022 and are in the process of installing solar panels and whatnot to our RV, which we hope will support our addiction to using electricity whilst swapping civilization for the woods.

We've got an eighty-five pound dog, Nala. She's the closest I'll ever get to having children, because I am not a very responsible person and also very dearly hate human offspring.

So, there you have it. Anna Vera in a nutshell. I know you're dying to rush off and purchase my written work—so I'll end this scintillating blog right here and now.

Here's a link to my first book, WHEN STARS BURN OUT. Its sequel is finally underway. And if you'd like, I've got a short story that takes place in the WSBO world that's free to all newsletter subscribers, titled A WAR OF WORLDS.

Check out my website for a very large picture of my face and a few other things. Also, it's nice to meet you! If you, uh, decide to stick around, that'd be cool. You know, if you want to.

[conservativemalarkey]

Okay, now I'm curious about what you saw of the Tea Party. (Not a new follower, if that matters?)

Hey, it’s fine! I’m mostly just trying to get some Content (TM) here, so... any questions are welcome. Caveat here: I was a teenager for the brunt of this, and I was a young teenager at the beginning of this. (I was only a sophomore in high school when it really kicked off and I started following it.) In my head, some things are mixed up- I did a little bit of fact-checking to make sure I got the dates right, and it turns out I didn’t at all. Also, I was never involved on the ground level, because I was a young teenager in a rural area and didn’t have the opportunity to do things like ‘go to protests’; most of my involvement was liking things on facebook. 

WARNING: Long post is long, and I don’t want to put this under a cut in case I have to change my URL. If you don’t want to read this, you can press the ‘J’ key to skip down (or just... swipe, I guess. Sorry, mobile users.) 

...So. Around the time President Obama got elected, a lot of conservative types were angry in the same way we are about Trump, and for nearly the same reasons (though, of course, they were wrong). They thought, thanks to right-wing media/propaganda, that Obama was an illegitimate president who was hiding all kinds of things from the American people and that he should never have gotten into office at all and that he was going to send the country to hell. And that was the people who weren’t flagrantly racist. 

 This was right after the 2008 financial crisis and no one was happy with how the government was handling the situation on either side of the political fence. Everyone wanted to see the banks punished for screwing people over, and under both Bush and Obama, that ... wasn’t what happened. The government in general let the banks off easy and gave them what they asked for so that the economy didn’t crash even harder. People were pissed off. 

A number of grassroots protests happened. Most of them were not very successful, but the one that caught people’s attention was an anti-tax, anti-bank-bailout, anti-government-meddling-in-the-economy libertarian deal. It was technically ‘bipartisan’ - in that libertarians on both sides of the liberal/conservative divide were involved. I don’t remember too much about this one in specific- I was honestly more interested in the ‘juicy’ culture war stuff- but everyone on both sides of the fence talked about it for months. 

The movement that sprung up around it was called the Tea Party-- after the Boston Tea Party, but TEA also stood for ‘Taxed Enough Already’. People started using Revolutionary-War imagery, hanging tea bags off their hats, that kind of thing. I think this is also when libertarians started using the Don’t Tread On Me flag, though that could have been just ‘I was a wee babby and this was the first time I was seeing it’. 

 ...And at the time? I was really hopeful. It was really obvious that things were wrong, and anyone that had eyes to see could see it, even if we blamed different things for it. I thought this would be a thing that would get liberal and conservative people to come together to fight the Real Evil of taxes and bad government regulation. I thought that maybe it really would be bipartisan and people would do the ‘right’ thing and make a change in the world.

...of course, that isn’t what happened at all. 

What happened was, conservative news media picked up on it and started touting it as an example of how much people hated Obama. People who hated Obama for other, much more dubious reasons glommed onto the Tea Party as a way of expressing their displeasure. Conservatives who hated Bush for ‘compassionate conservativism’ also glommed onto the Tea Party-  they wanted the government to get out of the business of even pretending to help people. Then conservative media started going ‘see? see how p o p u l a r  this Totally Bipartisan movement is? clearly everyone hates Obama as much as we do.’ 

A lot of Very Serious Moderate-Conservative people started freaking out about the Tea Party and trying to discredit them- as far as I remember, some of this may have been true. There were all kinds of rumours that the Koch brothers were funding them or that they were taking money from kooky right-wing candidates everyone hated or- in general, that there was some evil mastermind behind all this, that people weren’t rising up on their own because they were pissed off, that’s not a thing that HAPPENS, right? But happen it did. 

So what happened was... a libertarian, vaguely-populist movement quickly spiralled out of control. Egged on by conservative media-- and by the general disdain they got from more ‘liberal’ media outlets-- it turned into a ‘I’m More Conservative Than Thou’ heckfest.  

If the American right has learnt anything from the American left, it’s purity politics. This is when you started seeing the term RINO sprout up. RINO stands for ‘Republican In Name Only’ - in plain English, an actual conservative rather than a right-wing radical. The Tea Party popularized the term ‘RINO’ as meaning ‘anyone who doesn’t support the Tea Party or doesn’t support the increasingly radical direction it’s going’.

The Tea Party, at its various levels, started funding state and local elections- going against moderate Republican incumbents, and putting more right-wing candidates in their place. At the time, I thought this was great too- it was Putting Strong Good People who Believed All The Right Things In Places Where They Could Change The World. 

...the thing was? The Tea Party is directly responsible for how crazy the Republican party is right now. And I’m horrified at even the little bit I did to cheer it on, but no one thought things would wind up like this. At least, not in 2008. 

There’s a slang term in politics- ‘red meat’ - that means ‘the stuff your political base, your True Believers, rabidly care about that no one else really gives a damn about’. For instance, most people would not care about a proposal to tear down a statue of Columbus in the middle of town and replace it with.. IDK, a Little Free Library. For liberals/leftists, that might be a piece of red meat- replacing a statue of a genocidal maniac with a library? How wonderful! On the flip side, for conservatives, this might be a piece of red meat- how DARE you replace a statue of a NATIONAL HERO with some Weird Liberal Thing that will COST TAX MONEY!!!1!! But no one else really gives a damn, or has mixed opinions. 

The Tea Party was all about giving conservatives red meat. And very little else, to be frank, because it was a populist movement. The conservative base had never really chosen candidates on how effective they’d be, they were always more focused on what their candidates believed than what they actually Did- but the Tea Party made them go nuts. They didn’t have to care about the candidates their party chose (based partly on how effective they’d be)? They could pick whoever they wanted? Well, that guy believes aliens built the pyramids, but he also says he’ll outlaw abortion and gay marriage, so why the hell not? 

Tea Party candidates got crazier and crazier until you wound up with people like Sarah Palin seriously being considered for high office- candidates who would never wind up on the national stage before. Moderate Republicans were terrified. People thought the Tea Party was gonna become its own third party and be a real threat to the Republicans-- moderate ‘pubs either quietly became Democrats or started making the same kind of promises the Tea Party candidates were making.

I’m not sure if the Tea Party is still extant- I stopped hearing much about them in 2011, but that’s also the year that I stopped obsessively reading conservative news media, so they could still be around. As far as I know, the movement as a movement has basically quieted down. Maybe it was that people realized they looked silly wearing tricorne hats with tea bags hanging off them; maybe it’s that they were sick of getting called ‘teabaggers’; maybe it’s that the conservative media/mainstream media just stopped reporting on them once they stopped being new and shiny. Maybe they just switched to wearing MAGA hats.

...but the thing is, whether or not they won enough battles to stick around? They won the war.

Trump is the ultimate Tea Party candidate. He is all red meat and no vegetables or vitamins. He promises people the universe and then gives them a load of hot air for their trouble- and he puts on a great show. He gives them all the right words; all the best words. He hates taxes and government regulation-- he must, because he’s a successful businessman, right?  

Ugh. That got depressing quick. Let’s just get to...

THE TAKEAWAY, for anyone who’s read this far.   

The Tea Party is 99% of what radicalized the mainstream Republican party. I don’t think the alt-right would even be relevant if the Tea Party hadn’t paved the way for them. The Republicans started moving farther right by degrees long before the Tea Party, but the Tea Party accelerated the crazy- conservative pundits today say things that would be unthinkable even during the Bush administration.   

Voting can and does have measurable effects; it’s just that voting for President and Congress once every four years does not. You have to be willing to vote for local and state candidates, to primary candidates you hate, to be picky about who you support, but also to vote for candidates within one of the major parties. 

The Democratic Party does not give their base enough red meat. The Republican Party gives their base way too much red meat. This is why both parties are FUBAR- not giving your base enough red meat results in a shirty, disloyal, angry base that will betray you; giving your base too much red meat makes them stupid, petulant children. 

As a voter- watch out for red meat. Try to think critically about what politicians are telling you and whether they’re playing on things that you care about to get your support. If a politician is promising you lots of things that you care about that most people have no reason to care about, are they trying to manipulate you? Odds are good the answer is ‘yes’. 

[mrknucklesmcchucklehead-blog]

I was 35 when I discovered I'm on the autism spectrum. Here's how it changed my life. by Zack Smith on January 29, 2016

"Do you hate crowds, especially at supermarkets and restaurants?" I avoided eye contact, which I knew I wasn't supposed to do. "Yes." If Dr. P. noticed, she was too busy looking at the questionnaire to let on. "Do you tend to repeat heard words, parts of words, or TV commercials?" I immediately flashed back to middle school, randomly repeating such phrases from TV as, "I don't think so, Tim," from Home Improvement. I was tempted to respond that way this time. Instead, I just replied with another, "Yes." "Do you have trouble sustaining conversations?" "Yes." "Is your voice often louder than the situation requires?" "Yes." "Do you find yourself resistant to change?" "Yes." "Do you have restricted interests, like watching the same video over and over?" "Yes." "Did you start reading and/or memorizing books at an early age?" Eye contact suddenly became much, much easier. "Wait — isn't that a good thing?" "It is. But did you do that?" I went back to boring a hole in the carpet with my eyes. "Yes." "Have you ever picked up and smelled random objects, like toys when you were younger?" "That's a sign?" "Sometimes. Did you do that?" "...yes." I wanted to puke. After a few more questions, she did some totaling. "Well," she finally said, "it's likely you have ADHD and social anxiety disorder, and you're on the autism spectrum." I slumped back into the overstuffed chair. "Great," I said. "Triple threat." I was 35 years old. There are, according to the Autism Society of America, 3.5 million Americans with autism spectrum disorder, approximately one in every 68 births. Based on reports compiled by the Society, the prevalence of autism has increased 119.4 percent just from 2010 to 2014. Courtesy of Lydia Brown and the Autism Self-Advocacy Network We’ve called autism a disease for decades. We were wrong. The research linking autism to vaccines is even more bogus than you think The errors — and revelations — in two major new books about autism It's not that more autistic people were suddenly being born. It's that doctors knew what to look for. A Danish study published in January 2015 suggests that diagnoses of autism are more frequent because of a broadening of diagnostic criteria over the years, meaning there could be generations of people with autism spectrum disorder who were never diagnosed. I knew, on some level, that I was autistic by the time I was in fifth grade. It wasn't because of Oscar winner and box office sensation Rain Man, which I was too young for; it was, of all things, a Baby-Sitters Club book called Kristy and the Secret of Susan, where one of the babysitters tends to an autistic girl. I don't recall all the details, but I do remember reading the book and asking my mom if I was like this, if it was why I needed "curriculum assistance" classes or why I'd been pulled from preschool and sent to "Project Enlightenment," an ultra-structured children's program downtown. Mom assured me I was not like that. Susan never spoke, and that wasn't me, was it? I moved on. I was already neurotic about reading "girls' books." By the time I reached college in the late 1990s, a new term had become a buzzword: Asperger's syndrome. I wondered if that was what I had. It explained so much — the obsessive memorizing of TV show trivia, the absolute discomfort at bars, clubs, and parties, the way I'd tune out most classes or social situations. Again, I was assured by my parents and friends who knew people with autism — that wasn't me. I had empathy! And I was doing well in school, I just needed to relax a little. In retrospect, they seemed more worried about how worked up I was over this than the possibility of an actual diagnosis. There's a stigma attached to autism that leads many families to avoid a diagnosis. But in attempting to diagnose yourself, it can feel like the things that make you unique are aspects of some sort of affliction, one that is permanent and incurable. A few years later, a good friend of mine was diagnosed with Asperger's. Then he told me he thought I exhibited some symptoms as well. I freaked. I had finally started to feel "normal." I had a job, I was finally comfortable with things like driving and calling up strangers for interviews — I was just a "late bloomer!" I broke down and told him I still cared about him, that I didn't see him differently, but that I didn't have what he had! I was finally growing up, I said. I didn't have some incurable disorder that separated me from everyone else. But I worried. Friends didn't quite know what to say when I brought up the possibility, often in tears and just short of hysterics. "You're just you," they'd say. Mom and Dad were practical: "Well, what if you are? What good does it do you to put a label on yourself?" They weren't being mean. They reminded me, over and over, that I was "doing well." They'd already seen me fall into periods of depression and nonproductivity when I was out of school and out of work, and didn't want me to return to that place. I'd pulled myself out of those spirals before they became too serious. But if a doctor told me I'd never be "normal," that my strangeness was something pathological, would that be the excuse I needed to turn into a complete lump? I was just one of those people who did "better" when I was busy, when I had structure. I just needed motivation. That was all. Eight more years passed. Asperger's became a fear, a phantom, and most of all an excuse. The idea that I might have this "condition" lurked in my mind. It was why I messed up, the nuclear option. If someone got upset with me because I didn't understand something or missed some hints they were trying to give me, I had, "Uh, I might have Asperger's" ready. It broke up at least one relationship. It prevented several more from happening. I was in a strange place. By that time, I'd made good connections — even friendships — with a wide variety of creative people. But other parts of my life felt paralyzed. My creative work was stalling. Setting and keeping any kind of schedule for myself resulted in overstuffed calendars and quick burnout. There were all the times I'd walk away from an encounter with someone new with the overwhelming feeling I'd done something wrong and had no idea what it was. If someone did get mad at me, I'd obsess over it, frozen in a moment of shame and self-hatred long after the other person had let it go. If I could succeed without the pills, that was proof that I'd "won"I considered therapy. But good cognitive therapists were expensive, and it seemed wasteful to potentially drain what little money I'd saved trying to quell what I told myself were such minor neuroses. Surely I could just power through my own problems. In the past, times like these usually ended when I had enough work — school, employment, personal projects — to keep my mind busy, unable to obsess over small things and let myself get "nibbled to death by ducks," as one editor put it. Ultimately, I persuaded my doctor to prescribe me some generic Zoloft. My parents were terrified I was going to have the miscellaneous "suicidal thoughts" the prescription warned about. I didn't, but it was a mixed bag. On the one hand, I felt a bit calmer and had more luck with work and dating. On the other hand, I still faced problems with depression, falling asleep in the middle of the day, keeping an irregular schedule. I'd been dieting for the past year and change, but now I had trouble taking and keeping weight off. Worst of all was that I couldn't feel excited on almost any level — I'd sit through TV shows and movies like a stone. I rarely felt attracted to girls. When I kissed one, it was like kissing my own hand. There was no sensation, just motions. Zoloft, it seemed, could get me a second date but didn't make me a lot of fun on the third. I started skipping pills or going off my prescription for a while entirely, saving a month's refill so I could use it if I knew I had a stressful period coming up. Inside my brain, the relief at not having to face "judgment" was twisted up with self-hatred and fear, along with a perverse sense of defiance. If I could succeed without the pills, that was proof that I'd "won." When I went off the stuff, it felt like second puberty — I'd go from clean-shaven to Wolfman Jack in a week. I felt excited again. I also felt like I was on a toboggan, headed down a snowy hill, accelerating faster and faster toward a brick wall. And I couldn't get off, because I liked the feel of the rush. Cleaning out my email folder, or seeing old social media posts on Timehop, it's amazing how many times I made the same complaint over and over: I needed to get something finished, or I needed a new project. I needed to get out of the house more, to spend more time around people, to stop being so hard on myself. Something needed to change in my life, or I needed to change in some way. I said so over and over, but I didn't know how. 10 things I want to teach my autistic son before he goes to college In January 2015, I started what I knew was going to be a stressful period. I was teaching a volunteer course for retirees once a week, taking a graduate course twice a week, and taking shifts at a used toy shop other days of the week, on top of my freelance writing and creative work. It was a lot, but I knew I could handle it. It took exactly two weeks for it all to collapse. Exactly one year ago today, I showed up for a shift at the used toy shop and was promptly fired. I'd been there two years, I was told, and still had no sense of what to do when they didn't explicitly tell me. I had all these other gigs writing and teaching, they said, and this clearly wasn't a priority. Worst of all, customers had complained: They preferred not to come in when I was behind the counter, ready to chat their heads off. Fridays, when I worked, used to guarantee the company a few hundred dollars of retail at least, and now there were records of multiple Fridays with no sales at all. I was costing my boss money because people didn't want to be around me. I'd failed at what was a fairly easy job because I was me. Because I wasn't fit to be around other people. My parents were due to arrive for a visit in two hours. I went home and felt all the symptoms that had hit me in the past take over: crying jags, nausea, coughing fits. I knew I wasn't sick; these symptoms were all in my head. But I didn't know how to turn them off. When my mom and dad arrived, they were understanding. But I told them I couldn't go on like this. I needed to get therapy and get on medication again, this time prescribed by a mental health professional. Research was done. Dr. P. was recommended as a specialist in the area, good at diagnosing spectrum disorders and helping people organize their lives. A few weeks later, I was answering questions about whether I picked up and smelled toys as a child. Decades after I'd begun diagnosing myself, it was official. But somehow I didn't feel "labeled." That sense that I was "wrong," that I was somehow deficient, wasn't there anymore. Instead, I finally understood the areas where I had problems, and why I had those problems. Now I could work on them. The psychiatrist Dr. P. sent me to said that we could try Strattera, the ADD medication I'd attempted in college, in conjunction with Prozac. Tony Soprano and "Here comes the Pro-Zack" jokes flashed through my head. The insurance company rejected Strattera, but they told the psychiatrist I could do Adderall and see if it worked. "If you have a bad reaction, we can apply for Strattera again!" the psychiatrist said, cheerful. It was a lovely thing to know I was taking a medication with the expectation that I would have a bad reaction to it, but it turned out I didn't. I could listen without feeling an absolute, overwhelming need to blurt something outThe first month was rough. I'd wake up throughout the night, an odd change from wanting to sleep all day. Instead of eating whenever I got stressed or anxious, I wasn't hungry, something I wouldn't realize until early afternoon, when the dizzy spells kicked in. For the first time in who knows how long, I found myself doing things like getting up at the same time every day and eating breakfast. Weird. Other things stuck around. The nervous coughing fits I developed with my firing continued, but a friend noted that they seemed to vanish when something held my attention. When they happened again, I'd find something to focus on, like a song or a TV show or something to read. Eventually they vanished, and when I would cough nervously about something I found I could overcome it right away. Little things became easier, too. Arguments with other people didn't stay in my head months after the issue had been resolved, reminders that I could push other people away. I started dating more, and if it didn't work out, I was able to move on with some new understanding. Errands were done. Garbage got taken out. Annoying forms were filled out, instead of lingering on my desk for months. If I had a weekend with some downtime, I felt an actual compulsion to leave the house or call a friend, instead of simply sitting around. Within a few months, I realized that while I still didn't feel the excitement I could with no medication, I could still enjoy things. I could follow the plots of movies and TV more easily, and when other people spoke, I could listen without feeling an absolute, overwhelming need to blurt something out. I asked Dr. P. what this feeling was. She said I was "content." I kind of liked that. The strangest part of all this has been that being honest about my autism has left other people unfazed. It'd come up, probably because I found some excuse in the conversation to mention it ("Oh, I know what you mean about hating small talk. I'm a little on the spectrum, so..."), and there'd barely be a reaction. I'd watch people's faces. No surprise. No discomfort. And the conversation would go on. Admitting that there were things I didn't understand somehow created a new common ground. No one fully understands everyone else, or the world around them. Many people try to do what I did and "power through" this with false confidence and assertiveness. Sometimes it works. But to know you have a weakness, to acknowledge it, and to treat it as a "what the hell" thing —that's almost more powerful. For most of my life, I'd been afraid discovering I was on the spectrum meant I was cut off from being able to maintain friendships, professional contacts, a romantic connection. It was the wall I was always afraid I was headed toward. But the real wall was my fear, of facing not what I was but who I was. And my parents had been right — I was doing well before. I just needed to find a way to let myself enjoy my successes and build upon them, instead of feeling like defeat was inevitable. In the end, 2015 was perhaps the best year of my life. It wasn't the major stuff — the new job I got teaching, getting accepted full time into the graduate program — it was just that I was able to feel a sense of momentum, of moving forward. Part of me wishes I'd had this happen a decade before. But the experiences I had without therapy and medication helped prepare me for the setbacks I faced, and granted me the maturity to face them. My story isn't typical. The autism spectrum is a broad and constantly redefined place, a frontier of the mind that's still mostly wilderness. The revised definitions of it in the DSM-5just a few years ago are still controversial — it's both easier to diagnose aspects of the spectrum in people and more difficult to determine if a formal diagnosis is necessary, if it's even a "problem." In my experiences I had the benefit of privilege, and of personal choice. No one forced me to get diagnosed or to take medication. I simply reached a point in my life where I felt like I could become a better version of myself if I confronted the areas of my life that seemed to hold me back. I can't say that my life is perfect. I have a great deal I need to accomplish in terms of better dieting, regular exercise, and being more productive in my writing. Some anxieties still hijack my brain, and dating and relationships remain, as they do for most single people, confusing. But I feel like I've learned. And I'm still learning. Learning is all about realizing possibilities in the world around you, and right now those possibilities seem extraordinary. In August 2015, Dr. P explained, slowly and with caution, that she was moving out of state to join a new practice and to be closer to family, so I'd need to change therapists, and that she'd help with the transition. She was relieved when my main reaction was to tell her I understood and congratulate her on the new opportunity. She called me a "success story." "A few months ago, you might have felt ... destroyed by upheaval," she said. "Things change," I replied, and I meant it.

[emma-what-son]

(Echee post) Emma Watson has stalkers and a bodyguard

Posted on March 23 2014

From dailymail.co.uk March 2014, "Harry Potter star Emma Watson has hired a former NYPD officer as  a bodyguard to protect her from obsessed stalkers. The actress – thought to be worth £23  million – is believed to be paying the female officer £90,000 a year after a number of incidents of threatening behaviour towards her. The latest came as Emma, 23, right, was working on her new movie Noah, when an over-zealous ‘fan’ duped studio security staff and got on to the set. Emma, was left screaming, believing she was in danger, and filming had to stop. The British actress, who played Hermione Granger in the Potter films, is now constantly shadowed by blonde former New York Police Department officer Denise Morrone. A source said: ‘The  one person Emma is never without is Denise. 'Emma has had problems with stalkers in the past and, because of her wealth, there is always the threat of kidnap. 'She pays for her bodyguard out of her own pocket and Denise accompanies her everywhere, even when Emma is out for dinner. Denise is always there, making sure she is safe.’ Another source said: ‘Denise is on high alert for one particular stalker who tracked Emma down on the set of her latest film. ‘She is very discreet and very good at her job. She is always there looking after Emma, but you wouldn’t know. ‘She makes sure Emma has plenty of space and freedom. If they are at dinner, Denise is part of the gathering, but is always on duty.’ The new arrangement marks a departure for Emma, who has seemed determined to try to live a low-key, normal private life unencumbered by a security detail. Post-Potter she went to Brown University in Rhode Island, New England, and Worcester College, Oxford, to study for a degree. When she has appeared in public she has had no visible entourage. A spokesman for Miss Watson, who has homes in  London and New York, declined to comment." ^That's what the dailymail says but here below is what Emma said at the time.

From fansshare.com October 2012, "There was a lot of fuss made recently about the fact that a man who has been stalking Emma Watson managed to get onto her set before being chased off into the woods. It was claimed that Emma was terrified by the incident and feared for her safety.  However, it appears that the claims were not true, as Emma has spoken out about the “incident” stating that nothing of the sort happened. Emma felt that she needed to let everybody know what’s what and hoped to clear up any confusion about the stalker situation. Watson took to her official Twitter account to say, “Ok. Few things to clear up. I was not terrified by a stalker in the woods. And he was not fought off by martial arts experts.#whowrotethisstory”. I don't get this DM article because Emma has had this bodyguard for ten years. I think this might be a great big dose of media sensationalism or maybe a planted story so everyone will go, "Aww poor Emma" because she has said some really dumb things lately. I've seen photos of Denise (the older blonde lady we always see her with) with Emma as far back as 2005 Here they are outside the Regis and Kelly show (USA) in 2005 and to the right currently in 2014

^She still looks 15 doesn't she? I've seen one or two candids of Denise with Emma at Brown. I've read an article from a Brown website (thank anonymous for tipping me off) where they were talking about her bodyguards on campus that followed her around. Here's Emma, some guy and Denise at Brown in the fall of 2010 (I can't find the others)

Here she is talking about stalkers in her GQ interview from last year From gq-magazine.co.uk May 2013, "Did you have stalkers? 'Yes. I do have people who show up from time to time in different parts of the world. I've never really known how to respond; I've never really known if I should be afraid or not. This is how I put it into perspective: thousands of women all over the world have to deal with feeling afraid when they walk home from the Tube, on their way to work, when they go out for a drink. Feeling not safe isn't something that is singular to me or my experience as a woman, and I don't think any of these people mean me any harm. They just tend to be people caught up, who don't really realise what they are doing, and I think it is very important that I don't allow it to isolate me further, to be another reason why I shouldn't go out and meet people or walk down the street. Weird guys sometimes take it too far, and that is it. I just keep a friend with me. I don't have a full-time security guard or anything like that. Even at university I went everywhere completely alone, which looking back was probably a pretty ambitious thing that I tried to do there, but somehow I got away with it. There were times when I did feel stressed and anxious and could probably have done with a bit more support. At the same time I would rather make my own mistakes and learn what I need. I think it is so easy when you get famous to just disengage from having a life and that can make some things really dangerous.'" Remember she told rookie magazine she used to lie about walking to places but had a car waiting for her? She was trying to make it seem she has this normal life. I reckon this could be another little white lie about not having a full-time guard because we've seen Denise with her for years. She's the woman that pushes people away and pulls her from signing autographs and even refuses people. How about other instances like Glastonbury where that big muscular man tailed her everywhere. At airports when Denise is not there she has men which looks to be bodyguards to me. When she went to the Box Night Club she had a bodyguard. They're rare shots because most candids are just of Emma and Denise or Emma and a friend or boyfriend. You really think Emma travels alone? For example

Last photo from 2011: Check this out and seethe altercation You rarely catch her bodyguards photographed other than Denise who looks more than just a bodyguard. I think she's more like a bodyguard/assistant. I bet they are always around but you wouldn't know it. I'd go as far as saying they probably follow her from a distance to make it seem like she's really by herself. Here's something she said in 2009 and it was really stupid From wonderwall.msn.com July 2009 (interview with Dan, Rupert and Emma. she started brown in Sept 09) In this film, Ron has sort of a stalker girlfriend. Has it ever gotten strange where you're dating people who are more interested in dating Harry, Ron or Hermione rather than yourselves? Emma Watson: "I'm dating my stalker, actually." It's dumb to even give a stalker the time or day in a magazine discussing them. It will probably embolden them by fueling whatever twisted fantasies they have in their head. If it were me I would not even mention it. In 2010 she said this From digitalspy.com November 2010, "Emma Watson has revealed that she and her Harry Potter co-stars Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint used to hide from their security guards. The actress admitted that she "hates" having bodyguards and prefers to deal with the attention she receives on her own. Watson explained: "I hate having bodyguards and when we were younger, Dan, Rupert and I used to try to hide from the people trying to keep an eye on us." The 20-year-old went on to say that she now feels comfortable traveling on public transport by herself. She added: "Now it's like, 'Really, I'm fine'. I take the train and the bus and, if I don't dress up too much, I'm usually fine. Occasionally people stop me but I'd rather deal with that than not go out at all. That'd be really tragic." In her most recent interview for Elle she said this From snitchseeker.com March 2014, “So while Radcliffe reportedly rarely leaves his house without a bodyguard, Watson memorably began her college career by moving into the freshman dorm-the very definition of exposed. She lopped off her hair, appeared in a student production of Chekhov. There were moment, she says, when she thought, “I don’t know if I can do this. Or if this is sensible anymore.” But she held firm, turning down high-profile work that would interfere with her studies. “I just don’t want a life where I can’t have a life, “she says. “And so I’ve been just unbelievably stubborn about it.” ^Peculiar and then this article comes out about her hired bodyguard. Could it have been Radcliffe's people saying, "Hey, wait a minute" and then ratted Emma out? That last quote, the newer one, is of course a total contradiction from what she said about Brown before. I don't know it's that's the truth or this is some rouse to plant the idea she was heckled out of college life. I don't know but one thing is for sure I don't believe most of what comes out of this girls mouth. I'm like those towns people that had it with the games of the little boy that cried wolf. As for the stalking it's the only thing I'll give her sympathy for. I think it would suck. If it's an over zealous stan or a weirdo I don't think it's cool. If you like or even dislike her there are still lines you should never cross and that includes invading her space. She's just one fake ass actress that lives in her own head that plays make believe and makes millions off it. Then of course she complains about it and manipulates the media and her fan base to cover up "the real Emma Watson". She's a prettily weaved illusion designed to trick you. There is no such thing as the perfect person and just because she is pretty it does not make her perfect girlfriend material. Stans and weirdos please understand this.