#everyone’s funny. you don’t see shitheads everywhere you look. it’s great

[sprout-sprite]

bro…..it actually kind of feels like coming home

[everysongineverykey]

glass onion is just one of those movies that would be so good if it was good. you know what i mean. like, i have to give it credit: the acting’s amazing, the soundtrack’s awesome, the comedy is brilliant throughout, the whole movie’s beautifully shot, and benoit blanc has so much more personality, but cmon. look me in the eye and tell me the story is as good as knives out’s. 

like. there’s a secret pair of identical twins. cmon lol. at that point rian johnson was just having fun. honestly, i wouldn’t have minded as much if it wasn’t written to be a twist- i would’ve preferred if we’d known about helen from the very beginning. i don’t think introducing her in a hurried flashback that takes up like ten minutes of the final act was a great decision- the entire movie up to that point had been building up andi’s character, so to scrap her in the last, like, 45 minutes and try to build up a completely different character in way less time just makes them both end up feeling kind of flat as characters. glass onion’s character writing struggles almost everywhere- the only character that really felt real to me was benoit (again, i have to give them credit. benoit was done WONDERFULLY in this movie). it’s funny, because glass onion’s main cast has around the same number of people as knives out, and yet the characters in the latter all felt so much more natural and down-to-earth and lived-in.

glass onion’s problem is that it tried to go WAY bigger than knives out, really grand and over-the-top and spectacular, and while i adored watching benoit yell at a techbro billionaire ceo and helen burning his stupid mansion to the ground, the social commentary in knives out was just better done. it was less in-your-face. if glass onion could only have been more subtle in its message, i think i would’ve liked it a lot better. contrast the final shot of knives out, with marta looking down at the rich assholes who used to own the balcony she’s standing on, just sipping her coffee, with the final moments of glass onion: a billionaire’s stupid extravagant dangerous vanity project burns to the ground while the working class woman who did the deed stares off into the distance, contemplative. i agree completely with the general spirit, but... eh, it’s just too much.

i think much of glass onion’s trouble with character writing stems from this very fact- it tried to do something insane, extravagant, unimaginable to the average person, and so it collected several typical “rich person” archetypes to build its main cast around. you’ve got the elon musk parody billionaire, the politician who talks tough but is really terrified of losing her following, the vapid, vainglorious fashion icon, the mra dickhead youtuber, etc. these are archetypes we know exist- we see them on tv, we laugh at them on the news and critique them from afar, but the average person does not know anyone like this personally. compare this with the cast of knives out, made up entirely of fairly ordinary conservative, patriotic americans who aren’t willing to give their money to anyone they deem beneath them. these are normal people. everyone has at least one aunt like jamie lee curtis’ character, at least one leftist cousin like katherine langford’s character. they can look at linda and meg and jacob and walt and say, “that’s like my republican grandmother, my trashy alt-right cousin, my trumpy uncle,” etc. 

not only does this give knives out a sense of down-to-earth-ness and (for lack of a better term) intimacy that glass onion lacks with its rich shitheads, it does a lot of the writers’ jobs for them- since many already know people like this, it makes it easier for the viewers to fill in the blanks. this isn’t me calling the writers lazy by any means, by the way- i love knives out, in case you couldn’t tell. i’m saying that these characters automatically feel more real because they are real. they’re ordinary people. the characters in glass onion feel like cardboard cutouts. most of the main cast just seems like they’re there to throw the audience off from realizing that miles did it. they do what they’re supposed to do- rattle off their respective motives for murdering miles and later andi- and in between, they get drunk and bicker with each other, and they say nothing of much substance. they don’t really feel real.

like i said at the beginning, i keep coming back to the helen reveal. was there any real reason for that to be a surprise reveal in the last 45 minutes instead of just telling us that from the start? all it really accomplishes is taking up like ten minutes of the final act in a long expository flashback (in which we also get like three other MINI flashbacks) and adding in an entire new character that doesn’t get nearly enough time to become fully realized or fleshed out. the only thing i really liked about it was the way the sudden context gave new meaning to blanc’s “there’s only one person who can tell us who killed cassandra brand,” because realizing after that flashback that it really was all about her all along really threw me for a loop, but that’s really all it gives us. it’s just misdirection for the sake of misdirection.

i dunno. i loved glass onion, let me make that clear. i thought everything else about it more than made up for the subpar story, and i’ve seen it twice now and i WILL watch it again when it hits streaming, and i desperately hope they make more blanc movies, but... yeah. the only thing that could make that movie better is if it was good.

[tojiot]

ooh have about the main three with the fake dating trope :D

fake dating the main three

gn!reader, cursing here and there, typos and grammatical errors to be edited, past tense - present tense swerving to be fixed.

note: i was on vacation for 2 days without internet and i have bakugo's done in my notes but my phone died before i can even save it :D this will be kinda long because i went ahead of myself and detailed it exactly how i want. this is not betaed. please do tell me if there's a non they/them pronouns in here. hope you'll enjoy this!

requests are: open!

ㅡ bakugo

i spent the whole day thinking about how he'll agree to fake date. let's just say he's the one in need.

his mom has been bothering him for a long time now. she wants to see katsuki bring home a partner for them to meet.

it's a pain in the ears and he's very TIRED so he decided to just fake date somebody.

the only person he can tolerate in class a aside from kirishima is you. he doesn't care about the other extras.

he'll search for you in the heights' lounge area and ask to talk.

"hey, can we talk?" he grumbles, "uhh, sure? do you want to talk here or somewhere private?" "somewhere private."

when you guys are in a more private area, he'd glare at you for a minute, it'll make you wonder if you did something wrong, before finally speaking.

"date me for a fucking day."

you'll snort at what he said and laugh thinking it was a joke but the annoyed and impatient look on his face says otherwise.

"wait.. are you for real?" "what do you think, shithead?"

bakugo trusts you so much that you have this significant role to play in his life.

you agreed, of course. it's the bakugo katsuki asking for your help. a once in a lifetime chance. (you just like him, stop making things up)

he brings you to the bakugo household the day after and his house is BIG big.

mitsuki, his mom, welcomes you with a big smile and a hug. he then glares at his son, "WHY ARE YOU ONLY BRINGING THIS PRETTY LITTLE CREATURE NOW, YOU BRAT?" "SHUT UP, OLD HAG! BE NICE OR I AIN'T BRINGING THEM HERE NO MORE."

masaru, who's just sitting there at the couch like nothing's happening, gives you a wave.

the dinner was good. his mom's a great cook, his father's a chatterbox. what surprised you the most was how quiet katsuki is. you're not sure why. maybe he's like this at home? quiet, calm, just serene.

"it's not everyday i see a person who can tame my brat of a son. i can see why he likes you, (y/n)." his mom beams at you, "you're pretty, a kind little one too. take care of my son, will ya?"

not knowing what to say, you smiled at her and said what's currently inside your mind, "if he'll let me, i'll take care of him for the rest of my life." you looked down, "but knowing katsuki, he doesn't need anyone to take care of him. he's strong and independent and he knows it. it'll hurt his pride if someone helps him without him asking them to." you smiled to yourself, "i just hope he knows that when he needs me, i'll always be here for him."

mitsuki smiled at you in awe. you have the mother's approval, congrats!

katsuki just stared at you with furrowed eyebrows, masaru pats his back, "good job, son. i'm happy for you."

he then murmured a protest before drinking his water.

time passed by and it's eventually your time to say goodbye to the bakugos.

mitsuki hugs you for the last time and ask you to come have dinner with them again, masaru pats your head and thanks you for being there for his son.

both of you were in a car provided by the school for safety protocols when he spoke, "did you mean it?"

you looked at him, confused, "mean what?" "what you said earlier to my mom, shithead. did you mean it?" "well, yeah. i mean it when i say i'll always be here for you."

he wore this unreadable and unclear expression on his face. he looks mad? confused? no one knows.

"why?" he asked, "why what?" "WHY DO YOU KEEP MAKING ME REPEAT MYSELF. WHY DID YOU SAY IT?" "YOU'RE A FRIEND OF MINE, THAT'S IT."

he chuckled bitterly, "a friend. that's fucking funny. i literally though you also like me for a second."

huh.. what does he mean? also? you laughed nervously, "hey, did i hear you right? thought i heard 'also' there."

"you're fucking dense, aren't you? do you want me to scream it straight at your face? i fucking like you."

you froze. yes, but embarrassment caught up and you covered your reddened face, "WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY CONFESSING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SAY?"

"I AIN'T EXPECTING YOU TO SAY ANYTHING, SHITHEAD!" "I LIKE YOU TOO!" "SHUT THE FUCK UP I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY OF A CONFESSION." "IT'S NOT A PITY OF A CONFESSION BUT FINE! I DON'T LIKE YOU." "OKAY THEN. I'M BRINGING SOMEONE ELSE NEXT DINNER AND TELL THE OLD HAG WE BROKE UP." "NOOOOOOO!!"

ㅡ todoroki

i was contemplating whether to have him help fake date or have him need help. it's fitting if he's the one in need so i decided just that.

he might seem dense and clueless most of the time but he's the epitome of evilness.

he talks about you all the time that's why fuyumi has taken a liking to you and asked shoto to invite you to dinner with them.

shoto sees this as a chance. he'll take advantage of the situation because he knows you won't say no.

he goes to where you are sitting, "i apologize but my sister, fuyumi, she thinks we're dating. she wants to invite you to dinner at our house later." he said that with a straight face but this mf is smirking on the inside.

"uhhh, okay? sure? but uhm, why would she think we're dating?" "she thinks everyone close to me is dating me. she's like that.. yes. fuyumi likes you the most, i think. that's.. uh, that's why she's inviting you to dinner." (I HC HIM AS A BAD LIAR)

sounds suspicious and weird, but okay? you have a lot of question in mind.

"i would go. but how should i act? why didn't you tell her we aren't dating though?" "i don't want to disappoint my sister. you can act like you're dating me, if it's fine with you. just for a day."

"sure, sure! just tell me where and what time. i'll be there." "no, you can come with me. we'll go there together."

he brings you to the todoroki household after class. their house is soooo pretty. it's a traditional japanese house.

fuyumi was the first one to greet you, with her sparkling eyes and bright smile, she held both your hands gently and said, "i'm so glad you came! i've been wanting to ask shoto to have you come eat with us. thank you for coming!"

natsuo jogged from the back and gave you a cool wave, "hey, (y/n). how was it dealing with shoto?"

you faked sighed, "awful. how did you deal with him for the last 16 years?" "we never did." "oh.... OH NO I'M SORRY!" "HAHAHA. it's fine, i'm just kidding. no biggie."

enji won't be home for the day. he's busy doing number 1 hero works.

the dinner was fun. it was the funniest dinner you have ever had.

shoto's quietness is the exact opposite of natsuo's talkativeness. that man is talkative and funny as fuck. throwing jokes everywhere. it was entertaining.

all shoto did was take care of you. he serves you all the food you point at, gets you water, he even went too close for comfort and wiped a stain just above your lips. it made you blush, yes. you don't know why but it left you lightheaded. (you're in love with him, that's why)

fuyumi.. our beautiful and beloved fuyumi.

she exposed his brother's ass.

"aww. you guys are so cute together. ah! (y/n), do you remember that time when.. uhm, kaminari was it? i forgot his name but do you remember that time where he told you, midoriya, and the girls to wear a maid costume for the festival because your class is having a maid cafe booth? shoto told me you were so pretty that time! he hated how the boys in your class looked at you like you were some sweet treat, isn't that right, shoto?"

"and do you remember when you fought bakugo at the sports festival? where it was a close fight and you gave him a hard time? shoto said you won if the decision was up to him and that you were so cool!"

and she went on and on.

shoto was red as a tomato (or even redder) beside you. he was clutching his pants as if he was asking the floor to just eat him up.

you decided to ask him about this later to not uncover the fake dating plan.

dinner ended after a little talking, fuyumi gave you leftovers to take home which you will not reject because her cooking is divine, and asked you to come again after giving you a big and warm hug.

natsuo gave you a high five and thanked you for coming. he also thanked you for laughing at his jokes. he feels like he's very funny now.

both said goodbye to shoto.

the journey back to the heights was quiet but not awkward. it seems like shoto knew you have a lot in mind.

you spoke when he's about to open the main door. "what was that?" he looked at you with a confused expression, "the one at dinner."

"ah, if it isn't obvious yet after my sister opened her mouth, i like you. i have been for a long time now." he said that with a deadpan expression, "it annoyed me at first, it annoyed me that you're in my mind whenever i try to sleep, you're in my mind everytime i wake up. it annoyed me that i want nothing more than to hold you near me, hold your hands, warm you up with my fire everytime you feel cold, hug you, kiss you." he sighed frustratedly, "i just want to do everything with you... i'm sorry. i'm not good with words."

WELL YOU DID NOT EXPECT HIM TO BE THIS STRAIGHTFORWARD.

but again, this is todoroki shoto.

"..what? shoto... i didn't know you felt that way. why didn't you tell me?" you asked him concernedly, you lifted your hand to hold his face but stopped halfway thinking maybe he doesn't want to be touched.

but then he held your hand and guided it to hold his face, "i didn't actually plan to confess but when people started talking about how good of a hero you'd become in the future and when everyone started saying they all want to date you, that's when i decided it's now or never." he looked at your eyes, "i don't want to lose this chance. that's why i started telling fuyumi stories about you and asking her what to do."

"is that why your sister thought we were dating?" "yes. she knows about how i feel for you. she told me to confess and i told her i did and that it went well. i lied to her. i don't know why."

you coughed, "so, she doesn't really think everyone close to you is dating you?" "yes." "you lied to me?" "yes, i apologize."

"you could have told me you like me too!?" "it's not that easy to confess. plus, i really wanted to know how everything will go. it went well, i'm satisfied. you like me too, right?" "i do, shoto. i like you so much." he smiled at you, that rare fucking smile he knows is pretty, "that's enough for me."

"BUT YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF EVERYTHING?" "yes. yes, i did." "WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU!!?" "date me, (y/n)" "OKAY!"

ㅡ midoriya

a lot of guys from the other class have been bothering you. they kept on asking for your number and stuff. one even sent you flowers and a box of chocolates.

you appreciate it if you're being honest. what you don't appreciate is them sticking to you the whole lunch.

you told mina what's happening and she told you that the best shot of getting off those admirers of yours is to date somebody.

you don't wanna to that though. aside from focusing on studies, you have feelings for this certain someone with green messy hair and freckles. you don't want to date someone just to use them and lie to them.

"you know, what if you just get your shit together and confess to midoriya?" "MINA, BE QUIET! SOMEONE MIGHT HEAR YOU!" "confess to midoriya!" she whispired.

"or just ask him to date you until your followers stop following you around?" kaminari interjects, "what, you mean like, fake date him?" "yeah. something like that." "you're really useful sometimes, aren't you?" "shut up, mina."

you've thought about it all night. would izuku think i'm using him? would he reject the idea? would he be mad about it?

after contemplating, you finally went out of your room and walked straight at his door. he opened it with a smile after 3 knocks.

"hey, (y/n)! how can i help you?"

you looked at him nervously. what you were about to ask is a big part to act. "i will get straight to the point. some people from the other classes have been bothering me for a while now. they keep on following me and asking for my number even though i rejected them all the time. i want to ask you if you could date me? IT'S FAKE! OF COURSE. will you please fake date me until they get off me? i, uh, i'm not taking advantage of your kindness. i promise. right?" you said with a shaking voice.

he laughed at your rambling, "no need to be nervous, (y/n)! i would love to do the honors and fake date you! it's like an undercover hero mission. it's so cool! when do we start?"

you smiled at his enthusiasms. izuku is really the kindest person here on earth. you told him what to do, who those people are, etc. your fake dating starts tomorrow.

izuku was waiting outside your door when you opened it, he has his usual beaming smile when you saw him, "hi, (y/n)! ready to start our mission?" he's surely so into this whole thing.

you both walked down the lounge area holding each other's hand. everyone was gaping at the sight except todoroki who remained munching on his sandwich and bakugo who, well, "fucking finally you idiots." he said.

izuku let go of your hand and held both his hands up while shaking his head in a panicky manner, "no, no! we're just fake dating. i'm helping (y/n) get rid of their admirers! they said it was bothering them!"

"okay. but (y/n), why deku?" the motherfucker was smirking at you. todoroki, bless him, caught the panic in your eyes and called bakugo off. "that's enough, bakugo. leave them alone." "tsk! fucking icyhot a fucking killjoy."

most of your admirers stopped following you after they saw you holding hands with izuku. he's been doing a lot for you. he tried to tie your hair at training and brought you water. nothing much happened inside the classroom because everyone knows it's just a show. lots of outsiders believe you're dating izuku. some still bothers you from time to time especially at lunch.

you were sitting with bakugo, todoroki, kirishima, and of course, izuku, when a group of 3 went to your table (they're brave. no one would come bother bakugo's table because everyone's terrified of him.)

"hey, (y/n). can you give me your number now? i just wanted to get to know you better." "(y/n) give me your number! i'll send you lots of chocolates. i promise!" "they're liars but i'm not. i'd take you to your favorite movie this sunday of you'll give me your number?"

you pursed your lips in an annoyed manner, your friends are here and they're embarrassing you. you were about to speak when izuku beats you to it, "please stop bothering (y/n). it's obvious that my partner doesn't want to give you their number."

the group stared at each other with bewildered expressions on their faces, one looked at izuki and asked, "partner? you mean, combat partner or boyfriend? (y/n)'s dating someone?"

izuku wore a prideful expression on his face, "yes, i am their boyfriend and they're dating someone. that's why with all due respect, please leave them alone."

the 3 backed out and apologized. not everyone has the same personality as mineta. the person who seemed like their leader walked forward and bowed, "we're so sorry. we should've stopped when they rejected us the first time. they're just so intriguing that's why we wanted to know more about them. we're really sorry." with that, they left.

you faced izuku and thanked him. it was nice to finally walk and look around without seeing unfamiliar faces follow you. "thank you so much, izuku! you saved me. really."

he smilled at you, "it's nothing! i'd do anything for (y/n)." izuku froze at what he said and started chuckling anxiously, "i.. i didn't mean it like that! hahaha! but if you need anything, i, uhm, i'd always be glad to help." you stared at him and said, "me too, izuku. i'd always be glad to help you! you can come to me everytime you need something." he blushed at what you said.

"FUCKING IDIOTS JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY! I'M TIRED OF HEARING BOTH YOUR SHIT! CONFESS TO EACH OTHER GODDAMNIT!" "oi bakugo. that's not how to do it." "SHUT UP SHITTY HAIR!" "bakugo, you're too noisy." "YOU HALF AND HALF BASTARD I'M TIRED OF YOU TOO!"

izuku coughed tensely, "(y/n), can i talk to you outside? i just need to tell you something." you nodded, "of course!" you both stood up and left the table of wild animals.

when the two of you got outside, izuku's hands were obviously shaking so without a thought, you held it. "are you okay?" "I AM... i am." "why are you acting like this? did something happen?" you asked worriedly.

"no, everything's fine. i just.. i don't know how it started but i just woke up one day thinking how i'd love you to be mine. i want to walk you to school, i want to tell everyone i'm your boyfriend, i want to kiss you good night. haha, is it to much to ask, (y/n)? i like you a lot." he told you that nervously, the boy was shaking and sweating.

"i can't believe it... izuku, i like you too. oh god, are you serious?" "i am, haha! i didn't know you feel the same. i'm really happy!" "i didn't know you feel the same too! half of our classmates knew that i like you. katsuki's just too noisy. he literally told everyone when you did extra training." "(y/n).. kacchan also knows about my feelings for you! he told todoroki and kirishima. is that why he's so persistent in getting us together?" "i don't know. that's just how he is."

you both were awkward as fuck but izuku asked if you'd like to date for real and you said yes.

when you came back to the table, it was bakugo who spoke first, "are you idiots finally together?" you replied to him with a middle finger which aggravated the blondie, "YOU FUCKER!"

[creative-type]

Guess who wrote about Chopper keeping Zoro alive after Thriller Bark...again

Title: The Good Fight Rating: G Word Count: 2230 AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23204785

Sixteen hours of surgery. Ten pints of blood. Countless stitches and the devil’s own luck. That’s what it took to keep Zoro alive after the battle of Thriller Bark.

Chopper laid his head down against Zoro’s bed, listening with a clinician's ear to the beep of the heart monitor, the steady drip of the IV, the rasp of each shallow breath. If he strained hard enough he thought he could hear the rapid, thready beat of Zoro’s heart, but he knew it was his imagination. He’d stabilized his patient, somehow. Brought his heart back into rhythm and sewed his eviscerated organs back into place. Zoro’s veins and arteries, the connective tubing that pumped his lifeblood from head to toe, were now attached to their proper ports instead of leaking immense volumes of fluid everywhere except where it was supposed to go.

If Chopper had the energy he would have cried. Instead he took a shuddering breath through a face full of linens and tried to keep his hooves from shaking.

Zoro claimed god didn’t exist, but Chopper had fought Death itself too many times not to believe in some higher power. He hadn’t lost... yet. But there had been too many close calls lately for him to believe things would get better anytime soon. Chopper was afraid to even think it, but this latest battle had been a near thing, with Zoro’s life in the balance.

Too near.

He didn’t mean to doze off sitting like that, leaning over his patient like some kind of watchdog, but he must have because when there was a soft rap of knuckles against his infirmary door Chopper jerked violently awake. The sudden motion was enough to tip his chair over backward, and it was all Chopper could do to avoid cracking his head against the ground. The last thing anyone needed now was to give himself a concussion.    

“Hey, Chopper, are you okay?”

Usopp popped his head in the doorway, then rushed in when he saw Chopper laying in a dazed heap on the floor. He helped him to his feet and righted the chair, then brushed off the front of Chopper’s shirt like an older brother who wanted to help but didn’t really know how. Once assured that Chopper wasn’t harmed turned his attention to Zoro.

“Is he…?”

Usopp left the question unfinished. There was still an ashen, unhealthy pallor to Zoro’s normally bronzed skin, the barest hint of blue at his lips visible beneath the oxygen mask. But his respirations were steady and his blood pressure stable, and that was more than Chopper could have said sixteen hours ago.

“Everything has gone as good as I could have hoped for. Better, even,” Chopper said.

“That’s great!” Usopp exclaimed. He wrapped Chopper in a tight hug and danced around in a wild circle. Even after being set back on the ground, it took Chopper longer than it should have for the room to stop spinning.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Usopp asked earnestly. “Everyone’s just starting to wake up, I think Sanji’s putting together a party. You should come out and eat something.”

Chopper shook his head. “I can’t. I need to know right away If he starts bleeding again, and with all the transfusions I need to be careful not to put him into fluid overload. Plus with all those open wounds there’s a huge risk for infection, and...and…”

He meant to say more. He needed to say more, for Usopp to understand that while Zoro was better, he was by no means well . But the harder he tried the more his tongue tied into knots. Chopper knew he wasn’t making any sense, which frustrated him even more , the emotion of it all building up within him with no valve for release.

Chopper let himself plop onto the floor before he exploded, sniffing piteously as his vision went unexpectedly fuzzy. Usopp blinked, body going lax as his usual bravado rushed out of him like Luffy after a gum-gum balloon.

“Hey, it’ll be okay.” Usopp knelt down and patted Chopper awkwardly on the back. “You did good. Maybe you need to take a nap or something.”

He faltered, his eyes going wide as saucers. “Wait, you’ve been up all this time? We were awake all night chasing zombies, and then that weird bear guy came and blew everything all to hell, and we found Zoro, and ohmygod you’ve been awake since before yesterday .”

“Zoro needed me,” Chopper said simply. “He still needs me.”

As if agreeing, Zoro groaned in his sleep, making a feeble attempt to scratch at the drain that kept his right lung from collapsing on itself under the weight of the blood and fluid in his pleural cavity. Chopper hurried over to sedate him, mentally running through the dosing calculations and praying that he wouldn’t drop his already-precarious blood pressure off of a cliff.

When Zoro was once again resting comfortably Chopper returned to his chair to document, jumping a little when he saw Usopp staring dumbfounded out of the corner of his eye. He’d forgotten anyone else was in the room.

“Y’know, I bet one of Lola’s crew is a doctor,” Usopp said. “Maybe I could go ask--”

“Zoro is my responsibility!” Chopper said shrilly. “I can’t trust Zoro with some random doctor I’ve never met! If something happens I need to be here, because if I’m not I...I don’t know what I’d do.”

“I mean, I guess,” Usopp said, defeated. “But  Zoro wouldn’t want you to run yourself ragged, either. What if you’re too tired and make a mistake?”

“I wouldn’t do that,” Chopper said stubbornly, even as statistics of the effects of sleep deprivation rolled through his mind unbidden.

“I won’t lose him,” Chopper said, more quietly. Except the won’t came out sounding a whole lot more like can’t , and he couldn’t stop the tears from falling. It made the fur on his face feel funny, and Chopper concentrated on that instead of the pitying expression on Usopp’s face.

He didn’t understand. He couldn’t, not without being a doctor. Chopper’s fight started when Zoro’s stopped, and it was up to him to make sure that his efforts, whatever they were, hadn’t been in vain.

A normal person would have died taking half of the punishment Zoro had. Even a fourth would have been crippeling. Yet Zoro stood tall, so much blood slicking his skin that it was a wonder he had any left inside. Usopp couldn’t know the look Zoro had given him right before falling unconscious, the faint smile of relief as he realized it was finally okay to let go, because his doctor was there to keep fighting the battle he had no right winning.

“Chopper?” Usopp asked, startling him back to his senses. There was something in his expression, hesitant and a little frightened, that made Chopper think it hadn’t been the first time he called his name.

“Hmn?”

“You did your part. Now let us do ours.”

The thing about Usopp was that he wasn’t afraid to play dirty, and when it was clear that Chopper had no intentions of listening to him, he went and found Robin.

Not that she looked much better than Chopper felt. Having her shadow forcibly stolen from her had taken its toll, and of all the Straw Hats she was the one he trusted to assist with surgery when he was unable to manage on his own. She had stayed until Chopper was reasonably sure Zoro would pull through, but only after making Chopper promise to call if he needed assistance once more.

But Chopper hadn’t needed assistance, at least not as much as Robin needed rest, so he had plowed on, breaking through his second, third, forth wall of fatigue through caffeine tablets and sheer force of will.

“Your hands are shaking,” Robin observed. She had a bottle of water with her that she handed to Chopper, fixing him with a look until he sheepishly took a drink. Chopper could see Usopp’s shadow in the doorway of the infirmary, whispering fiercely to Sanji and Nami.

Robin noticed his gaze and shut the door before kneeling down to his level. “I know it can be...difficult, at times, to ask for help. But we all have limits, and you have long-past yours.”

She pressed a hard candy into his hooves. “Sanji will be in shortly with a proper meal, but this should hold you over till then.”

“But if something happens--”

“I will wake you,” Robin said. “Nami is getting your bedding now, so you can rest here with Zoro. You don’t have to leave him if you don’t want to.”

All the air left Chopper in a rush. “Oh.” He unwrapped the candy and let it melt on his tongue, even that small amount of sugar boosting his dangerously low levels. When was the last time he had eaten?

“Why didn’t I think of that?”

“You are exhausted,” Robin said matter-of-factly. Then, with a note of reproach in her tone, “You cannot treat anyone if you do not take care of yourself.”

Before Chopper could argue there was a knock at the door. Sanji swept in, and foregoing his usual praise set a tray down at Chopper’s feet. There was a steaming bowl of cinnamon and sugar rice, milk, more water, and a cookie. Out of deference to Chopper’s patient, the cigarette that hung from his lips was unlit.

“Those shithole zombies took our food supply, and I haven’t had much luck raiding theirs,” Sanji said apologetically. “Looks like most went to feeding that great shithead Oars.”

Chopper nodded. Luffy’s appetite was bad enough on its own, but in the body of a giant it was nearly insatiable. “Thank you.”

The smell alone made Chopper’s mouth water, and he ate with mechanical efficiency, scarcely tasting the food before shoving the next spoonful into his mouth. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was, and the rice settled like a lead block in the pit of his stomach. His limbs felt heavy as he drank the rest of the water and his eyes burned with lack of sleep.

While he ate Nami came in with a pillow and blanket, but Chopper ignored it in favor of curling up in Robin’s lap. “Lemme know if his heart rate goes up and his blood pressure down, or if he wakes up, or if...if…”

“Hush, now,” Robin said, placing a calming hand against his back. Somewhere in the distance he thought he heard someone start to sing, but he couldn’t place the voice.

It sounded nice, Chopper thought, and he hoped he’d get to hear it again when he woke up.

Chopper woke up entangled in a pile of limbs and blankets. He blinked against the light of the infirmary, realizing somewhat befuddledly that his hat was not sitting on his head. His eyes were sleep-crusted and his throat was dry and he kinda had to go to the bathroom, but Chopper did not move. For some reason, he didn’t want to.

The smell of blood hit first and hardest. Somehow Chopper squirmed enough to get himself turned around and looking directly up at the bed were Zoro currently lay.

And if he was looking up that meant he had to be laying down . It took another long moment for his brain to reboot itself back to waking, and only then did Chopper realize he was on the floor and surrounded by Straw Hats. His head still lay in Robin’s lap while she herself was sitting up against the wall of the infirmary, and it was Nami’s arm that was currently wrapped around his torso. Sanji lay curled up on top of the blanket haphazardly thrown across Chopper’s legs, effectively pinning him to the ground.

Usopp and Luffy (when had he come in?) were on the other side of Robin, sprawled and taking every last bit of space, while Franky sat in Chopper’s tiny chair with his head rested against his massive forearms.

They were all here. They were all alive. Chopper took a deep breath, feeling it catch in the back of his throat.

Music came in through the doorway, a smooth caress to Chopper’s soul.

Maybe Luffy was right, and they’d gone too long without a musician. Hopefully he would find one soon, Chopper would like to study the therapeutic effects of music on the crew…

He drifted back into a deep and dreamless slumber.

The Straw Hats threw a party, as they always did after their biggest and hardest battles. Chopper still didn’t trust Zoro to leave him alone, and Luffy wouldn’t allow Chopper to miss out on the fun, so they arrived at the festivities together. Patient and doctor. Big and little brother. Crewmates.

Friends.

Chopper won this round, but deep down he was still afraid. Afraid that each success would encourage Zoro to greater recklessness, afraid that someday he’d go a step too far and Chopper wouldn’t be able to bring him back. Afraid that he wouldn’t make it in time.

But that was the thing about the Straw Hat Pirates, they trusted one another. Just like Chopper believed there was no one Zoro could not defeat, Zoro believed there was no injury he could not fix. That’s what it meant to be the greatest doctor in the world.

Chopper could only hope that he was right.

From across the room Brook began to play a round of Bink’s Sake. Beside him, Chopper’s small hoof nestled into his hand, Zoro smiled in his sleep.  

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

Rasputin And His Queen (Steve Harrington x fem!reader)

Description: Everyone loves Halloween. And when you say everyone, you mean everyone - the kids LOVE trick or treating, teenagers love Halloween parties and the adults love both decorating the house and to have a nice, calm night. And since one particular day, Steve Harrington fell in love with that day as well.

A/N: Inspired by Boney M’s song Rasputin bcs why not?

A/N 2: Celebration of Halloween and The King Man’s Rasputin except I am late to both parties. And I ooop.

AU where Nancy and Steve broke up before the summer break and not on the Halloween party of 84’. Just pretend that it was a normal summer party. His friendship with Dustin is still on thin ice, season 2 hasn't started officially in this one-shot.

Warnings: Billy acting like a fucking shithead he is.

The commies, the Russians, red swines - no matter how you decided to name them, they were hated in the USA. But from time to time, you still met a Russian in your country or those who ran away from Ukraine - and most of the time, they were cool.

And since you were small, your mom took care of an old Russian lady named Anna - even if your dad wasn't very fond of your mom friending with someone who was born in Russia, your mom decided that Anna needs her help. She was old, fragile and barely took care of her. You spent every Wednesday and Sunday with that lady, you were at her place and when you were lucky and Anna was able to speak with you, she was telling you about Russian history. Her English wasn't exactly the best, but over time, you learned how to understand Anna.

No, she was not telling you stories of Lenin or Stalin, not about the commies, no. She was talking about the history of the old, great Russia, she spoke about the last czar family of the Romanovs. When you were older, she even told you about the big rumors going about the family’s relationship to a strange man named Rasputin. She was old enough at the time to remember the time when the dynasty was ruined and practically burned down, how they hunted every one of them.

Her mother was very fond of the czar imperial family, so Anna could even show you some photos of the family. It was a fairytale you didn't have in the USA - a big royal family with beautiful women, something like princesses, big balls, a beautiful dress, and the most expansive jewelry. You loved to listen about the tsars even if you had to keep your mouth shut.

And when Anna had died in the March of 84’ at the age of 87, you wanted to show her some respect without the others telling you that you might be a commie - so you decided to do it on the Halloween night. You started the preparations very early - you had a big crown on you had made from old jewelry and some shining stones, you used old shirts she gave you in her will. They were old and from Russia, there was a corset decorated with flowers and shirts that showed way more than they hid.

But when you were done with your costume, it looked pretty lit - the upper part was an imitation of Alexandra Foedorovna's dress from one photo, but you decided to have pants decorated with jewelry and high boots instead of a dress.

You kept the costume as a secret - only your mom and your best friend knew about it. Your mom found it nice - your best friend was a bit worried about it. But is suited you like hell when you had the perfect hairstyle and the right make-up.

You had your gang at school - it was you, your best friend Clara, and two boys - Steve and Lenny. Steve joined you after his break up with Nancy Wheeler, who was a really nice and beautiful girl, and ever since, you hung out really often.

It was basically the last Halloween you were able to be together - after that, Clara was going to NYC, Lenny was moving out to Alaska and you were going on a college in a near town. So that Halloween had to be perfect.

You knew Steve Harrington since you were a small child - that was the curse of growing up in a small town named Hawkins, Indiana. Estimated population? 30.000 people - maybe more, maybe less. There was a shit-ton of weird things going on in the last two years. But yeah, you knew almost everybody from your neighborhood. And since Steve was living in the house next to you, you had some pretty cringy photos and memories together.

But you only saw him as the neighborhood who sometimes greeted you as you grew up, but it became blatantly obvious when he joined your group of friends. Clara could tell right away that he has those puppy eyes for you only and that finds you funny and cute as hell. But you just laughed at that - you were sure that when he gets the first option to leave your group for better, more popular friends, he will just do that without thinking.

But as the time passed by, Clara and Lenny caught Steve stare numerous times, he was laughing at things you've said that weren't even a bit funny and he always ASKED you to help him with studies and homework. Every time you told your gang that you have to watch over your younger, dumb sister, he volunteered to take you both out - to watch a movie, to just hang out at the playground or to grab some food. And you usually accepted his offers - but you never saw the real reason behind that.

When he saw you walking down the hall with a smile on your face, telling Clara something that happened, he liked the way you looked and presented yourself. For the first week, he was telling himself that it is only the shock from breaking up with Nance - that he is only searching for a pretty face to like. But then he started his long-forgotten childhood friendship with you again - he took only small steps at a time. It officially had started when you met up at Burger King to have a study night. 

Since then, he was not only a member of your gang; but he felt something. Some nudge in his head telling him that there is something about the girl with two ponytails and shiny swimsuit he had on a photograph in his childhood album.

Steve could just tell you how he felt, serve it on a silver plate or just kiss you already; but you two were seriously too dumb for that.

The final nail in the coffin was when Steve waited for Clara outside the chemistry class just to ask her this:

"Do you know what is Y/N wearing for this Halloween?" - He leaned next to her cabin with his shoulder, chewing on a piece of gum. Steve, the Great Hair™ Harrington was trying to look as cool as he could, not giving too much away. But Clara could tell that he's nervous while he asked that question.

"I do. Why?" - She took out the book she had to read for English and which she decided she will continue with during the lunch break.

"I just want to surprise her by doing... A pair costume? I was just saying that she might find it funny?" - Steve shrugged his shoulders and took his sunglasses off. Idiot. He didn't really know how to wear them, did he? - "So... Will you tell me or you'll leave me hanging? I really don't want to go ask her mum this afternoon."

Clara chuckled and walked the hall down with Steve. Jesus, that boy was willing to sacrifice his dignity just to find out what you're Halloween costume is. And that you'll find it funny? Sure you will. And maybe it will fucking finally release the tension which is at the table in the cafeteria while Steve sits on the other side of the table and watches you like a statue from the antique Rome. There was this electricity which he was sending your way, but you were totally numb to pick up on.

"Under one circumstance, dear Harrington." - Clara rose her eyebrows and walked the hall alongside the big basketball jock. Steve sighed and looked at her. 

“I am not going to drive you to school every single morning, Clara. Not happening.” - Steve shook his head with a frown. Clara left out a burst of genuine laughter. 

“You will ask her out finally. That's the deal - if you don't, you will be explaining Mrs. Y/L/N why you need to know what is her daughter wearing for Halloween so desperately.” - She turned to the lab, he copied Clara’s moves and almost took down a girl who wasn't watching her way. Steve looked shocked - that was the first time Clara could see him like that.

“Take her out? We’re out like.. All the time.” - He said without a clue. Clara rolled her eyes, caught his upper arm and stopped him pretty aggressively. 

“Now listen to me, Harrington, because I am not gonna repeat myself. I am sick of how in love you look when she sits her ass on the opposite side of the table, how you run with her everywhere she goes like a lovesick puppy and how desperately you want to bang her or kiss her, I don't really care, Harrington. All I know is that she is my best friend and that you genuinely want to make her happy because if you didn't and just lost your interest in her, then this whole fucking thing wouldn't be going on for almost four months. Are we clear?” - Clara burst at him so quickly that steve froze down and looked at her in shock. 

She was right in every single point. It was only a rumor that Steve the Idiot™ Harrington is still a ladies man or that he is doing it for the fame - all he wanted was just a few good friends and a loving girlfriend. 

“I don't want to... Only bang her.” - Steve stuttered out in shock. Clara opened up her mouth and then shut it tight again. Was she too hard on Steve? He was as red as an Italian tomato and he was looking everywhere except her eyes.

“That is not the point, you idiot!” - She dragged him to the side of the corridor. - “The point is that I want you to date already, dipshit!”

“Hey, do not be so harsh, I understood what you mean. You just looked like you want to murder me and I just didn't know what the hell should I say dingus.” - Steve answered aggressively as well, which made Clara shut up for a second as well. Ok. So Steve was able to defend him, which made her smile. 

“Will you ask her out if I tell you?” - Clara offered him her hand and Steve looked at it with a frown. - “That is the deal. Take it or leave it, asshole.”

And like that, he just made a deal with the devil called Clara by the locals who happened to be your bestie as well. 

“Alexandra Feodorovna. The last big czarina of Russia. You have two options.” - Clara started talking when they slowly moved towards the classroom again. - “Either you can go as her husband, Nicholas Romanov or the mystical ladies man Rasputin.” 

“Rasputin? Like that Europian song? Russia’s biggest love machine?” - Steve joked a bit but turned his smile down when he saw her risen eyebrows. - “How did they look like? Where should I look it up?” - He asked desperately. But Clara didn't answer as she walked into the classroom. 

There you were again, dressed in your prettiest sweater and the prettiest jeans ever, your hair resembling Joyce Byers’s in a way, but it looked... Hot on you. You smiled at them and started to ramble about yesterday’s chemistry test - which Steve completely fucked up. 

That evening Steve the Dingus™ Harrington did something he thought he would never do - he visited the library for the first time ever. The librarian lady looked him up and down like she couldn't actually believe her eyes.

“Can I do something for you?” - She, Mrs. Remsay, looked almost amazed by Steve Harrington visiting the library. 

“Yes. Definitely, you can. Where can I find the history of the Romanovs? They're supposed to be a... Russian royal family of cars?” - Steve smiled at her nervously. Great. Now, she will think that he is a commie. Or that he is planning to be one. - “It is... For a Halloween costume, Mrs. Remsay. I swear to God that I am not with the Russians.”

“First of all, no offense, but you don't have the capacity of being a Russian spy. The Romanovs were a czar dynasty, not cars. Second of all, those books are in historic literature and third of all, five books at a time.” - She gave him a library card with a smile. Steve took it from her small palm without anything to say - she just ultimately called him dumb. But yeah, he probably hadn't got the capacity of being a Russian spy - even his essays sucked.

He sat there the whole afternoon, going through three to five books about them. Only one had a picture of that mysterious man Rasputin he knew about only from a disco song - and god, wasn't that man weird?

But what needed to be done, that needed to be done. Steve did his best - he got himself a fake beard, got an old coat which looked like it is going to fall apart any minute and rosemary with some pants and boots. When he looked at himself, he needed to say that it isn't that bad after all - but he wasn't as weird as that man. 

You decided to meet up at your place - Clara was dressed up as Cleopatra who was mummified and was brought back to life, so she had loads of toilet paper and gazes around her along with some crazy make-up and a crown in her hair. Lenny was going as his superhero idol, Batman. And he did look funny. 

But you definitely took the longest to prepare - Anna always told you that czarina Alexandra was a breathtaking young woman who was beautiful and you wanted to do her justice. Only braiding your big czarina crown and the veil going with that, falling on your back, took you more than half an hour. Then the make-up, small details... You took three hours to get done, but you were perfect. Your little bratty sister almost yelled that she wants you to take it all off so she could be the queen, but your mother didn't let her. 

When you slowly walked the stairs in your house down, you were breathtaking, at least to Steve. He gulped when he saw your neck drowned under all the jewelry and shiny diamonds, your crowned head and the boots with a slight wedge, so you weren't exactly walking high heels, but it made your legs optically longer and your ass more standing out. 

You chuckled when you saw Steve. Was he who you thought he was? 

But before you could ask, there was the Polaroid taking time™ your mother loved and you hated completely. Your mom made all of you make several pictures - you and your sister dressed like a ladybug, you and the Cleo, you and Bat-Man and finally, you and Steve. And didn't you two look like a photo of Alexandra and her devoted healer?

Steve really tried his best to copy that man’s posture and expression as he held the rosemary in front of his chest, his eyes wide open, only so you would have the best picture you could. You posed on a chair with a blank stare into the oblivion - you two really did the best you could.

It was a beautiful photo which you knew that you'll have on your wall with memories. You left the house around six with your mom screaming "be back by ten and not a minute late, young lady" at your back. You walked to Steve’s car so he could drive all four of you to Tammy's house.

She had a crush on Steve since ever and pinned after him since he and Nancy broke up. You hoped the best - Tammy wasn't exactly the nicest, but she wasn't a both either. You two never really got along, but you hoped for the best for Steve.

"So... Uh... Nice costume? - You chuckled while Steve drove the car like a maniac and you needed to hold the crown on the top of your head. - "Who you are?" - You asked again and Clara shifted forward on her seat to listen closely to your conversation.

Steve way really enjoying himself, he was excited about that evening a lot since you were there with him, but at the same time, Billy Hargrove's appearance at the party was making him a bit uneasy. He didn't like that guy - to be honest, he was almost shitting himself around Billy. That boy was a fucking maniac. Steve had a feeling that something is going to fuck up at that party.

"Can't you tell? I am the man from that song. That love machine, that's all me." - He chuckled unsurely and tried to do have a calm expression at the moment. You will see through his lies in a moment and he KNEW THAT.

"So you heard Bonney M's song playing and just told yourself that you'll be Rasputin? That's what you want me to think?" - You laughed. - "Such a coincidence while I'm dressing up as the queen he was rumored to be the lover of, Harrington. Who told you?"

"The wind, I guess?" - Steve looked from the window because you gave him those shiny eyes and a big, bright smile.

"I think it's nice of you. To do a pair costume, I mean, nobody ever done that with me." - You smoothed his shoulder lightly and then looked away. Clara just nudged his chin with her fingers, motioning that NOW'S the chance, but he shook his head and showed her his middle finger up so she would shut. Ok. She and Lenny have a plan on how to get you together anyways, so Steve being a dumb shy bitch wasn't a problem really.

The truth was that there was something magical about Halloween nights. Everyone got dressed up and pretty, they were the costumes they wore and not the people in them. Halloween nights were the best in your life since you were a kid. Your dad always took you trick or treating along with Steve and Deborah, a girl down your street who now was a total bitch. You always wore the same costumes - Steve was a great basketball player, you were a Daisy and Deb was a witch.

The best days of your life - you were just a bunch of friends who ADORED each other. Now, you were just thrown back to those days with Steve walking by your side as Rasputin while you were the queen, your hand always close to each other. But you were too dumb to hold them.

"Can I get you something, your majesty?" - He bowed a bit, making you chuckle a bit.

"A cup of cola would do the trick, my dear." - You patted his shoulder. Steve turned away before you could see that he has that dumb smile on. If there weren't so many people, he would perform the dumb victory dance he did only when he was alone. Steve the biggest ladies man Hawkins ever saw™ Harrington actually did a happy dance around a lot.

A lot of girls actually crossed by and told you that your costume is on point. Yeah. You didn't like when someone was telling you that he's the best... But your costume was DEFINITELY the best out there. The most thought through and the nicest in visage. Plus Steve had done what he had done.

But then you heard someone arguing in the back as you waited next to a living room turned into a dance floor for Steve and your Cola. You looked at Clara with a frown before stepping there.

"And you and your costume? You're just pathetic. Little. Child. Harrington!" - You heard a known voice. It was Billy Hargrove's voice - he was the current tyrant of the Hawkins high school, with his racist, irrational mind.

"Who asked you about your opinion, Hargrove? Keep it to yourself and go home. You're fucking drunk." - And at that moment, you saw as Billy pushed Steve down on a small table, prepared to give him a punch. Everyone froze down for a moment, looking at the two of them before the first gasps of "Billy!" could be heard.

"Stop!" - Nancy Wheeler suddenly jumped between them and tried to tear them apart, but another girl and Johnathan Byers, her current boyfriend, local weirdo and the best photographer you've seen had to help her. - "What the fuck is your problem?!" - Nancy yelled at him, stepping in front of Steve to protect him as she didn't let Hargrove from her stare.

There was something about Nancy Wheeler and you needed to admit that whether she was your best friend's ex who totally broke his heart of the girl you sometimes smiled at in the corridor. There was something about her.

"Steve fucking Harrington is my fucking problem!" - Billy yelled back at her. The situation was getting boiling hot. - "And if you don't get out of the way, your pretty face gets hit as well!"

"If you don't stop treating her, I'll punch your perfect teeth out!" - Jonathan screamed at him which made everyone shut up again. You could barely hear Byers speaking. He was never yelling or raising his voice. - "If you don't back off, Hargrove, I swear that I'll kick you like a little bitch and I that I'll fucking enjoy... Every... Single... Second." - Steve pointed at him and took the same defending position in front of Nance, just a foot away from Billy's face.

You watched Steve with amazement. He was so brave at that moment. He appeared to be so strong and big... To be the protector. And he was protecting the person he hated the most at the moment, even if it wasn't her fault.

"I think you should leave, Billy." - Tammy stepped out of the corner from where she watched the whole situation with fear in her eyes. - "Come around later, man."

And with that, Billy screamed like if he went completely mad at the moment. He was like a little child walking away at a fast pace, shutting the door so quickly that the window next to it shook. Before Nancy had even a chance to speak with Steve, you walked up to him, catching his face in your palms like you were about to kiss him.

But you didn't, you only checked for bruises or blood. You checked that he's alright. And Steve was, he really was, only his back hurt like a bitch since Billy pushed him on a wooden table.

"Steve Harrington." - You sighed dramatically. - "I know that you are a dingus and a friend who always makes me laugh... But this was fucking brave." - You nodded. He turned his face away with a cocky smile and a smile yes on his lips. As your hands slide on the coat which was practically falling apart, you caught his shoulders.

And he felt it. The first bolt of electricity that came from you. Steve could know it because of your eyes - they jumped from his eyes to his lips and you were leaning in like you asked him for permission. But Nancy came next to you and she made you jump away from Steve.

He watched you walk away, your cheeks were reddening as you nervously smiled, shook your head and then you just disappearing in the crowd. His heart sank. Was this the only bolt he was going to get from you? And did Nancy just fuck it up too?

"Thank you, Steve." - She smiled at him in a typical Wheeler manner and smoothed his elbow. - "Thank you for doing this to me. It was nice, I really appreciate it. And about Y/N..." - She looked behind her shoulder and nudged his. - "You guys are incredibly cute together. Go get her and make sure you're doing it properly. Show how great you are." - She leaned in to kiss his cheek and rose her thumbs up before leaning into Jonathan's hug.

Steve looked at Nancy and she only smiled wider, nodding to tell him that he should go. That was when Clara's while came as she leaned to the big stereo.

"Cover me! Lenny! Cover me!" - She yelled, balancing on her right foot, putting the cassette inside. She almost sold her soul to the real devil before she got it, but she managed to get it out of one boy that was pinning after her like hell. So Lenny stood in front of her leaned ass and tried to cover her with his cloak.

When Clara was done, a burst of victory laughter could be heard out of her posh lips. She stood up and pressed play while she leaned her shoulder into the cabinet beside her and Lenny. - "Now, just fucking watch."

You looked around the room when an uptown disco started to play. It was something from the last decade - and all you could was just to laugh when you realized that it's Bonney M's Rasputin. You covered up your mouth. Steve sneaked up beside you so stealthy you almost gave him a slap.

"It looks like someone..." - With that, he looked at Clara with a dead stare. - "Is playing my song. So... Do you wanna?" - Steve smiled at you and he walked to the dancefloor backward. For a moment, you watched him with your eyes partially closed and with a strange smile, but then you walked up to him. Even if the disco rhythm was unbelievably rhythmic and fast and made a lot of people immediately dance, your steps remained slow as you put your hand on Steve's chest, walking around him in a circle, not leaving a single centimeter out of your touch. Jesus, he was burning at that moment.

Then, instead of jumping around, your left palm rose his right and you left it up as you started to walk in circles. He saw that. In a romantic movie, his mom was watching on the TV - some noble princess lady or who danced like that century ago. But when you smiled at him from below the crown in that low light with your reddened cheek, he didn't find it cheesy. It was just... Hot. Hot and sensual.

Then you changed your hand and walked in the other direction.

"I am the czarina, remember?" - You giggled. - "And you're apparently my lover as the lyrics say."

Steve giggled as well, looking around. Clara and Lenny were intensely watching both of you with a big smile, just as a few other people around. They weren't laughing at you, they found you cute as hell. You changed the direction again.

"I sure as hell am, my lady." - Steve answered with a dumb smile, but before he could continue, you took his hand with a laugh and started to spin around, moving your body in the rhythm.

You were everything Nancy couldn't be to Steve. Just a young girl enjoying life, laughing, being happy. And that fool was just in love with you. He danced as well, completing your improvised choreography. Everyone yelled the refrain as loudly as they could, slowly progressing to the last verse of the song. You took his palms into yours and started to slowly leaned in, still singing and getting so close that you caught his shoulders into your palm.

"Ra-Ra-Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine, and so they shot him 'til he was dead ." - Everyone yelled and just before the Jamaican singer could say "Ah, those Russians", your lips were on his and your eyes were closed as you hung on his shoulders, making him catch your waist, so he could lean in as well. You, girl, you were the most desperate and the best kisser he has ever kissed until that night.

When you leaned away with your eyes shining and a big, beautiful smile on your lips, he knew that it's his time to get over with his part of the deal before Clara cuts his balls off.

"Well, when we finally made it all clear." - He stood up and looked around. Nobody was staring at you and Clara was changing the cassette again. - "Do you want to hang out? Like a date hang out? Just... I mean, you, me, movie and dinner or something like that?" - He stuttered out as he put you down on the ground. You made a shocked face and caught his face to your hand again, playing with the fake beard.

"Wouldn't you want to know, lover boy?" - You giggled and pressed another quick kiss to the corner of his mouth.

"After all of this? I want you to take me out as soon as you can."

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT 3X10 - The New Neverland

Ooh! A new episode of Once Upon a Time! I can’t wait to see what Emma, Regina, Snow, and their other com-PAN-ions are up to today!

...You laughed. You can admit it.

...Review’s under the cut. You know what to do!

Press Release

The residents of Storybrooke are overjoyed upon the return of Henry and our heroes from Neverland. But unbeknownst to them, a plan is secretly being put into place by a well-hidden Pan that will shake up the very lives of the townspeople. Meanwhile, in the Fairy Tale Land that was, Snow White and Prince Charming’s honeymoon turns out to be anything but romantic when they go in search of a mythical being that could stop Regina cold in her tracks.

Main Thoughts - Characters/Stories/Themes and Their Effectiveness

Past

Okay, so to start off, this flashback is admittedly a little pointless. Other than the theme of moments -- something so loose, it could’ve just been discussed in the present and the episode would’ve been fine as just a present events compilation -- there’s nothing that this story does to enhance the main one.

That having been said, I think it’s great! While something meatier could’ve gone here, I can’t honestly object that much when a story is just good. And the conflict between Snow and David is really solid. It’s one of those times where it doesn’t feel fully weighted in one direction. Like, we’re supposed to be on David’s side by the end of it, but Snow’s POV is completely understandable, especially after everything she’s been through (Not to mention, her confidence boost from “Lost Girl”). I like the idea of Snow being so caught up in he worries over Regina that she almost destroys her chance at happiness.

THAT having been said, I found the scene where Snow and Charming discuss turning Regina to stone to be so annoying. Charming references the flashback in “The Cricket Game,” a flashback that I LOATHE because of how much of a waste of time it is and how much of an idiot it makes Snow. And it gets worse. David says that they shouldn’t turn Regina to stone because Snow stayed her execution during that flashback when the resolution of that flashback was that Snow regretted that decision. Like, without this scene, the flashback would’ve not only been completely serviceable, but actually better for its absence!

Present

The opening of the present is just so amazingly shot. There’s this unequivocally happy tone from our mains and side characters that’s so satisfying, that for a moment, even knowing what was going on with Henry, I actually got swept up in it. It’s purely fantastic framing because you know this is exactly what they were going for.

And it kind of carries through throughout the rest of the episode. It feels like an epilogue at times, discussing resolution-y subjects like who (if anyone) will Emma end up with, establishing more of a co-parent-y relationship between Emma and Regina, curing David of his ails, having Rumple consider his future, and allowing for the minor characters to achieve their happy endings. Honestly, only when we cut to Henry do we get remember that the story is continuing, and I like it. It’s a subtle build of tension and will show just how much Pan’s curse will fuck everyone over in the next episode.

I also really liked the Emma and Regina conflict in this episode. It feels like the natural continuation of everything they’ve had to work through over the past two and a half seasons and was smartly placed just after the baby Henry flashbacks.

All Encompassing

This whole episode is the most lowkey David centric ever. Like, he’s in a supporting role, but it’s like the main supporting role. He gives out advice, he interacts with so many characters, and it’s just great! David’s character never needed to be a major major character and I feel like this episode captured the best of him.

“Moments” is the key theme of the episode. It’s interesting that the idea of moments plays more of a part in the flashback to our next episode, but I do like how the concept is introduced and implemented here. While the concept didn’t warrant an entire flashback, the idea of life having good and bad moments that just need to be felt and enjoyed when they can was a good basis for a Snow and Charming story with a good follow-through in the present with Emma. There’s a good contrast between those who can celebrate moments and someone who might not have that luxuary.

Insights - Stream of Consciousness

-The town celebration is really a thing of beauty (And kind of tragedy given that Henry’s not Henry...those Grumpy and Granny hugs are either sad as hell for that reason or funny as fuck because Pan is hugging all of these strangers and is probably realizing that his life just became a fantastical episode of Full House).

-You can tell how Jared loved every fucking second of being Pan! XD The dude lives for evil Henry!

-”That’s the last time I don’t listen to you.” ...When you can see the future, there’s irony fucking EVERYWHERE!

-You know, I just realized that Neal and Belle never had a proper introduction. For one thing, why is Belle not saying “Oh my fuck! You’re alive!” (That’s totally how she’d say it too XD ). For another, I’d have loved to see a proper introduction between the two of them. I need more Neal :( .

-Also would’ve liked the moment where Rumple ditches the cane to get a bit more umph to it. Like, that cane has been as much a part of him as the red cap is to Mario and it’s such a symbol of his cowardice that it would’ve been better to see it go.

-*Looks at a dude in a red beanie* The fuck you do to Smee, you little bitch?

-Okay, that Darling hug was fucking beautiful!

-Also, Snow giving Regina that level of cred was just beautiful! I found it to be a really good follow up to both what she saw in “Save Henry” and Regina’s harsh, but effective actions in “Nasty Habits.”

-Thoughts on how the reception went after Regina invaded the wedding? I’d like to think Snow and Charming played it cool and confident for the guests, but, like we’re seeing, were reeling on the inside.

-”Steal her magic.” Well, in one realm, you actually DO that! The results were...mixed, to say the least. BUT we got Alice, the best person ever out of the deal so it was ultimately worth it.

-So I have to wonder: If Regina hadn’t made these threats, would Snow have still wanted to go to the Summer Palace? Like, it seems to connect really well to her parents, so i could totally see Snow doing that.

-Damn. Grumpy is just the ultimate support. He’s on better terms with Charming, but is still 1000% loyal to Snow.

-Plenty of cell space?! Storybrooke needs an equivalent to juvie! Like, Felix is a villain for sure, but he’s a kid! Jail -- which in Storybrooke is basically full-on solitary confinement -- seems a little excessive.

-”As long as I’m alive, that boy will never see the light of day.” ...Yeah. About that…

-”Her name is Tinker Bell.” I actually fucking clapped. Yes, Queen! Slay and filet that shady shimmering shithead for what she did to Tink!

-”You don’t believe in yourself anymore.” FUCK YOU, BLUE. Look, I’ve said in past reviews that Blue’s not as much shady as she is the world’s strictest and assholey beauraucrat, but being that kind of person WILL merit a level of scorn. Look at that almost half smile on her face. Keegan plays that well. “How can I believe in you if you can’t even do that?” FUCK YOU!

-”I need a drink.” You and me both! Shame I can’t get a drink at 8am!

-I love that emphasis David puts on the word “threat” in the woods. He’s nagging it up!

-You know, Pan kind of got the ball rolling on Emma and Regina’s active non-animosity filled co-parenting.Give the dude a little credit.

-How is Pan so unimpressed by Henry’s room? Like, that’s a nice room! With all sorts of tech and comics and stuff! Be a little more impressed, you little shit!

-”I’ll protect you. No matter what.” And the award for the most adorable non-Regal Believer Regal Believer moment goes to… *cries*

-Prince Charming, everyone, number one causes of deforestation in the Enchanted Forest. XD

-”Are you sure you want to condemn Regina to a fate like that?” Dude, she killed Snow’s dad (Who to be fair, was pretty much shit, but you guys didn’t know it at the time), indirectly killed your mom, tried to kill you, poisoned Snow, AND ruined your wedding! I love Regina and I’m so happy she got redeemed, but at the time of this episode, being turned to stone was rather warranted.

-”Killing her wasn’t the answer.” And then she decided at the end of that episode that it was!

-”Last time, she threatened us.” No she didn’t. She regretted not causing MORE death!

-SHEEP BROS!

-Snow, David. Did you really schedule your lunch to coincide with Emma and Neal’s date? That was...bad planning. Like, you don’t even do that with Killian!

-”Does he eat with his mouth open?” Either Charming has misophonia or that was a Kristoph reference!

-Killian...I’m honestly not sure what to make with that Tink scene. On one hand, I see it as Killian trying in vain to get over Emma, but being unable to, showing that he really does love her. BUT it also comes off as a “you still have a ways to go” moment because Killian’s flirting can be a little...really off putting. I don’t know exactly what to make of that because the framing is a little wonky there.

-”Perhaps.” That having been said, the misunderstanding at Granny’s with Emma, Tink, and Killian had me laughing out loud. That one’s better at insinuating “you fucking dork.”

-YES, SHADOW! GIVE THAT BLUE BITCH A SCARE! KILLING HER MIGHT BE A TOUCH EXCESSIVE, BUT IT’S STILL PRETTY FUN TO WATCH!

-Also, this park is just beautiful. I really wish we spent more time in later seasons at these parks. Like, they’re such pretty places to have scenes instead of the pretty generic looking woods that we got in the later seasons.

-Evil Jared Gilmore cracks me the fuck up!

-Not gonna lie, a dungeon crawl like this would make for the best honeymoon ever!

-”Promise you won’t touch anything?” “Promise.” LIAR!

-”Rumple.” I love how Belle just nagged him. It’s a very Belle-like way of encouraging him to do good without making a whole speech of things.

-Okay, so even the “Entering Storybrooke” sign makes me whimper like a little bitch, too!

-Ooh! I love that Golden Swan moment! Rumple and Emma’s dynamic isn’t shown a lot, but when it is, it’s really something special. While not enough to earn it the “Favorite Dynamic” of the episode, it is incredibly cool to see Emma and Rumple come to that moment of begrudging respect and trust at the town line.

-Holy crap! The rest of the cast pulled off “Penry’s” escape from Pandora’s Box so well. Everyone immediately grows tense and grabs their loved ones. They’re actually scared shitless, a testament to how terrifying pan is.

-Damn, in hindsight, this is dark as hell. Emma has a gun to Henry’s head, and even though he’s in another body, this is a kid!

-Awww! I love Henry hugging Snow and David! We don’t always get a ton of moments of them together, so this was really special!

-I actually needed a solid minute to recover from the way that “Han” just smoothly magicked Regina. Like, that was so freakin’ fluid! “I know. That’s why this was so easy.” Pan, you bastard!

-These hugs with Henry in Pan’s body crack me up for some reason.

-I’m not sure if Storybrooke being the New Neverland is an upgrade or a downgrade. On one hand, you get all of the modern tech and indoor plumbing. On the other hand, no pixie dust and the suburbs are boring.

Arcs - How Are These Storylines Progressing?

The Mission to Save Henry - I love how in so many ways, this feels like an epilogue and then is like FUCK NO. So much comes together and it feels like everything’s winding down, but the action continues in such a fun whirlwind of a way! This whole arc has been a roller coaster and a fun one at that!

Rumple’s Redemption - “On the house.” How much you want to bet Rumple was DYING inside as he said that? “I’m sure if I ever needed a favor, you’d be more than receptive.” Rumple, my boy. You’ve come quite far, but you still have so far to go! But seriously, you do see more of how Rumple’s come into his own redemption. First, his focus is squarely on making Belle happy. Second, he does actually show that he has trust in Emma by allowing her to see what’s up with Pan.

Regina’s Redemption - We get two really great steps in showing how far Regina’s come. First, she stands up for Tinkerbell against Blue. While Regina’s had no problem standing up to Blue in the past, it’s always been for her own sake. This time, she’s standing up for Tink’s sake! The second instance is her grief that Pan fooled her. I say this because it’s so clear how at this point, she genuinely wants Henry to be with her because it’s his choice and how saddened she was by the fact that when her dream came true, it was only a lie. I love Regal Believer and seeing how much Regina’s broken that chain of abuse is something so special.

Favorite Dynamic

Emma and David. There were a lot of great dynamics on display in this episode, but I love how we got our first real David and Emma moment. Daddy Charming is one of the lesser explicitly shown dynamics on the show, but interactions like these show just how powerful it is. There’s an adorably bit of father/daughter banter between them when talking about their love life, David gives Emma solid honest-to-goodness advice that actually does come back later on in the episode, and he’s so comforting. He knows Emma’s dealt with so much and he just wants her to be happy. The scene they share provides a nice calm before the storm and shows that while Emma and David didn’t have that friendship that Emma and Snow had, they do have that strong bond.

Writer

This is Andrew Chambliss’ first solo episode! And honestly, not a bad job! Andrew did a great job balancing screen time between the eight mains and roughly eight minor characters in half an episode’s worth of time, and that’s honestly impressive! The stories themselves are relatively simpler, with the present storyline using resolution as a cleverly deceptive way of making it seem more sprawling than it is.

Rating

10/10. This is an honestly great episode. While not perfect, it provides for a lot of nice moments between characters, an underlying tenseness that is well delivered on when it’s ready for shit to get real, and a more unified Storybrooke.

Flip My Ship - The Home of All Things “Shippy Goodness”

Ariel/Eric - These two are so fucking lovey dovey and their reunion is just the cutest sweetest thing ever!

Rumbelle - Like, from the second -- the SECOND -- these two see each other when Rumple gets off the ship, that’s all the other sees. They’re laser-glued to the other. And the hug is just so perf! Also, THE UP PARALLELS STARTED HERE WITH THE FUCKING TIE! I KNOW IT’S NOT THE SAME KIND OF TIE, BUT FUCK! THAT’S AMAZING! XD Also also, the scene at the shop as a whole is just so romantic. There’s a beautiful theme to it and Robert Fucking Carlyle owns my soul. Every line is just so pretty, and I say that both as a testament to the writing and Robert himself. And Emiliee is no slouch either! She’s so in love and there’s an utter sincerity to it.

Captain Swan - Killian’s decision to back off was just the sweetest. It genuinely shows how he cares for Henry and Emma and doesn’t want to pressure either of them. It doesn’t mean he won’t pursue her if she goes after him, but he wants to let the chips fall, even if they aren’t in his favor. That’s just...honestly, I love it. Killian, your looks aren’t the only devilishly handsome part of you. <3 Also, I like how Emma remarks that Killian is still an option. When David’s trying to convince her to go out with Neal, she points out that he’s trying to keep her away from Killian.

Swan Fire - Snow is just the biggest Swan Fire shipper and it’s pretty cute! Also, Neal’s way of asking Emma out was equally adorable! It takes a degree of pressure off of her and is asked in such a cute way! It’s got a nice youthfulness to it! Also, let’s talk about how sad Neal is when it looks like Emma won’t show. Also also, Emma later implies that her date with Neal would be “enjoying herself.”

Snowing - David loves the fuck out of Snow and that makes me feel all of the things! He wants to enjoy his marriage to her and wants her to be able to relax and enjoy it with him! BUT he also knows her so freakin’ well. He KNOWS when she sneaks off and is just there waiting for her (In one of the show’s most underrated funny moments). And he’s totally willing to give up his honeymoon to follow her into danger! Prince Charming, everyone! And to some extent, Snow KNEW he was gonna do that because she brought the sword. Also, the couple banter in this episode is just so en pointe! I especially love David’s speech to Snow about how he knew what he was getting into when they fell in love. And the kisses and inevitable sex at the end is just the best! And in the present, that BIG DAMN KISS once he’s cured! It’s so beautiful!

-----

Thank you all for reading and to the fab folks at @watchingfairytales!

Next time, we’re coming home! <3

Season 3 Total (96/220)

Writer’s Scores: Adam and Eddy (19/60) Kalinda Vazquez (17/40) Andrew Chambliss (27/50) Jane Espenson (10/30) David Goodman (20/40) Robert Hull (20/40) Christine Boylan (20/20)* Daniel Thomsen (20/30)

* Indicates that their work for the season is complete

Operation Rewatch Archives

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I Own A Bike Instead Of A Car: 5 Reasons Everyone Hates Me

I’m one of those dipshits who never got around to getting a driver’s license. As someone who hates being the designated driver, I am truly blessed by this. However, it also means that I have to rely on public transport for most of my getting-around needs. In recent times, I’ve gotten sick of pee-smelling subway cars and delightfully cramped buses, so I’ve attempted to cheat code my way out of all of that jazz by riding a bicycle to most everywhere. And man, that has revealed a whole new, previously hidden world to me.

A whole new, hidden, terrifying world.

5

You’ll Always Reek Of Ass

Just so we’re clear, I’m not one of those spandex missiles you see Lance Armstrong-ing their way through the city at breakneck speeds. In fact, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not an exercise kind of person at all. My workout is of the “bare minimum you need to do to keep resembling a human being” variety, and is exclusively motivated by an innate need to be able to execute a perfect dropkick at anyone or anything I feel has slighted me. At best, I’m the Super Mario of bicyclists: medium speed, medium stats, a little too chubby to pass for an athlete, and I would secretly like to swap my bike for a go-kart.

Still, bicycling is a physical activity, even for someone like me, who uses it exclusively for transportation purposes and prefers to ride at un-exhausting speeds. No matter how slowly you ride, though, you’ll strain yourself way beyond most other forms of transportation. Which means sweat. Which means swamp ass. Which obviously shouldn’t be a problem. Obviously you take a shower and/or change your clothes after you ride to, say, work. Obviously. You wouldn’t have it any other way.

For me, that mentality lasted for about a week.

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I’m sure that there are people who ride a bicycle everywhere and each time dutifully spend 15 minutes showering and changing clothes at their destination, but I’ve never actually met one of these folks, and I sure as shit am not one myself. It’s not that you don’t want to keep clean; it’s just that when you spend the day zipping around on a self-powered vehicle, you’d need three changes of clothing even without the whole showering thing. No one has time for that shit, so it’s easier to just do your best to clean yourself up a bit and resign yourself to the faint waft of eau d’taint following you wherever you go. So anything under five miles tends to be “Eh, whatever,” while longer rides might warrant a quick change of underwear and a baby wipe treatment to the armpits (which technically makes my hygiene habits the same as Brad Pitt’s … ladies).

Still, this is not necessarily a life-ruining thing. Hell, people might not even notice your secret grossness. But it’s not like you can ask a friend for an opinion, because …

4

Cycling Can Turn You Into A Social Pariah

One of the things I was most surprised about is that social interaction and cycling don’t go too well together, regardless of how well you maintain your stench.

In tons and tons of social situations, you’ll find yourself having to explain precisely WHY you use a bike right off the bat, and it can become a big thing. Sure, your boss probably values that you try to keep in shape, but when it comes to pretty much anything else, you’re screwed. Dating? Good luck, you now rely on the other person to haul you both around, which in turn can easily make them think of you as someone who’s not financially responsible enough to own a car. Heading for a night out with your friends? They’ll take their car, or an Uber, or public transport. You’ll be the fucker who turns up on a bike and has to change clothes — or worse, won’t change them, so that everyone can have a round of beers and another round of “What’s that smell? Is that cheese? Did Pauli bring cheese?”

Then you have to deal with the fact that you have a bicycle with you … all night. So now your friends have to deal with you. “No, guys, I know we agreed to meet with the rest of the group a few blocks from here, but I just found the perfect spot to park my bike, and can’t leave it behind, and don’t feel like unpacking it from the 12,587 chains and locks I need to make sure it doesn’t get stolen.” It’ll get old after a while, and even if you don’t mean to make a huge deal about it, it tends to become one, because from the group’s point of view, you’re now the shithead who insisted on bringing a totally unnecessary and hindering large object with you. As a social faux pas, it’s like heading out for a beer with your best friend and bringing Alex Jones as a surprise avec.

So you become Bicycle Guy within your circle of friends. “We’re heading out for a drink, should I call Bicycle Guy?” “Nah, fuck him. He’ll just haul that damn bike with him all night, whining about how he can’t leave it out of his sight.” Your range of operations is also waaaay shorter than it would be for someone with a car — after a certain geographical distance, you’re going to be thinking long and hard on whether or not the strain to get there is worth it. And then there’s the fact that the carrying load of a bicycle is you and a backpack. Buy a new piece of furniture, and you’re shit out of luck unless you can bug some friend with a car to help you. Basically, you’re extra baggage to all of your acquaintances — from your point of view, everyone is that one friend with a pickup truck who people are always asking for a favor. From their point of view, you’re that fucker who keeps asking.

3

Maintenance Is Bullshit In Ways You Wouldn’t Believe

Because you don’t have to bother with gas or parking, cycling can seem like a pretty simple mode of transportation: Just hop on and pedal until you’re where you need to be. I know that’s what I thought when I first started. However, the grim reality is that you’ll be spending way more time on hands-on maintenance than with a car. 50 percent of bike ownership is shouting “What the hell is wrong with you?” at it.

For a relatively uncomplicated mechanical device, there are so, so, so many ways a bicycle can break down — which it absolutely will at the slightest provocation, unless you keep tabs on it. You have to constantly check that the nuts and bolts are tightened. Brake pads and lines need replacing. The tires will pop if you give them a sharp look, and magically keep leaking tiny amounts of air so that you have to check ’em all the time. The more often you take off the wheel and chain in order to replace tires, the more wear and tear you get on the stuff that holds it all together, so it becomes super easy to strip the bolts or make it to where they simply won’t stay tightened. Almost all bikes eventually get loose handlebars. The chain needs to be kept oiled and clean. Everything that can rust will rust super easily, so rain will wreck your shit. And that’s just the beginning. Here’s a handy list of 101 fucking things you’ll need to keep in mind unless you want to turn your bicycle into an expensive faceplant machine.

Sure, you could just take the bike to the shop every time something breaks, but lets face it, you won’t. That shit will set you back hundreds and hundreds of dollars over time just to keep the thing in working condition. You have to know how to fix all that shit, and how to recognize the various irregularities in the riding experience and minuscule noises that indicate potential problems. It’s a pain in the ass to the point where it’s easy to just end up ignoring the issues and ride on the solid principle of “Man, I really hope nothing breaks today. Better look into that strange noise tomorrow.”

This is obviously not the best move, as I once found out when one of the pedals (which had been acting a little funny for a week or two) snapped straight off mid-kick. In related news, completely and unexpectedly losing your balance while riding is a strange feeling that apparently leads into a kickass somersaults and a keen newfound interest in bicycle maintenance. In even more related news, turns out helmets are not just for decoration.

Not that maintaining your bike helps jack shit if you don’t know what you’re doing. I once accidentally tightened a nut holding the back wheel too much, so it chose to snap when I was riding down a particularly steep alley. This caused the wheel to partially jump off its fork, which also fucked up the brakes, seeing as they rely on the wheels to be where they’re supposed to. With no way to brake and the wheel stuck jumping up and down in the fork in a way that effectively turned the bike into a rodeo horse, I did the only thing I could do: I let out a passable impression of the Wilhelm Scream and rammed my feet against the asphalt, trying to ignore the fact that this also meant that my dick was slamming with equal force against the top tube. That was the longest five seconds of my life. I managed to stop roughly 15 feet before a wall. I still have the pair of Converses with the soles burned through somewhere in my attic.

2

Cyclists Are Despised By Everyone Else On The Road

The neighborhood I live in has a Facebook group, because of course it fucking does. I joined because area news and various local grievances are generally great for entertainment purposes, but I immediately found out that roughly 70 percent of all conversations in the group revolve around two subjects: the acceptable and unacceptable places where a dog can poop (nowhere and everywhere, respectively), and the way bicyclists are unrepentant assholes who endanger everyone’s lives.

This is not an isolated thing. Bikes versus cars is a famously bloody flame war, both online and in real life, and once you bring pedestrians in the mix, the shit soup is good and stirred. If you’re invested in the subject, you know the arguments: “Bicyclists are law-breaking dicks who zoom dangerously around in traffic.” “Cities are designed for cars.” “Cyclists are weenies who are trying to save the environment, or hipsters, or annoying fitness nuts.” And that shit bleeds way into real life. There are drivers who more or less deliberately hit cyclists and lose their complete and utter shit when dealing with them. There are cyclists who fatally run into pedestrians and call it “unavoidable.” I was kind of hoping I could find stories about pedestrians who eat cars or something to make this a rock-paper-scissors analogy, but it turns out pedestrians are just generally fucked.

Of course, this entire situation is because of a very specific group of people: assholes. Every mode of transport has its share, and for cyclists, it’s the jerkfaces who zip around in the traffic with nothing but an “I could squeeze through here” mindset, and often at way too high speeds. No one notices the people who ride their bikes carefully and follow the rules. It’s the assholes and their various accidents and close calls who hog the publicity, which leads to many drivers perceiving cyclists as hostile yet fragile meat missiles capable of nothing but erratic, borderline-illegal turns and twists. For pedestrians, it’s the same, but you’re a silent, fast meat missile riding on 30 pounds of cold murder steel.

But hey, let the rest of the world hate you. At least you still have your fellow bicyclists, who totally understand your thing and like you. You can always hang out with them, right? R-right?

1

Bicyclists Hate Each Other, Too

Ha! Plot twist!

Individual groups of cyclists may be tight, but even casual bike-riding will reveal that cyclists as a whole are an insanely fragmented demographic, and most of the splinter groups are wary of each other. When you buy a motorcycle, it’s like joining a club, and you happily wave your hand at passing bikers. When you buy a bike, you get passive-aggressive “11 types of cyclists we all know” lists from Cycling Weekly which make no secret about the fact that all 11 types are kind of dipshits. That article is exclusively about the spandex-clad hardcore riders, by the way — the very people who read fucking Cycling Weekly in the first place.

It’s the same all across the board. The cycling community is pretty tribal, and as befits an individual sport, most cyclists tend to be fiercely independent in their particular biking style and preferences. So even when everyone technically follows the law, the stink eyes cyclists give to everyone who differs from their preferred parameters can be something to behold. And how many stink eyes is that? Well, let’s look at some of the different types:

– The spandex-clad dudes with expensive sports bikes and a midlife crisis who hate everyone slower than them, which is everyone

– The laissez-faire people riding slow, one-gear bikes super erratically, swerving wherever the fuck they like and never letting on where they’ll turn next

– The men who can’t accept that some women have better bikes and/or pedal faster, and deliberately block their paths or attempt to overtake them regardless of what happens around them

– Drunks

– People who for some reason genuinely think laws don’t apply to them

Consciously or not, each and every one of them thinks that their brand of cycling is the right one. And whenever someone does something that differs from their narrow specifications of What’s Right, dirty looks that would make Ivan Drago take a step backwards fly through the air.

Of course, it doesn’t exactly help that every once in a while, every one of us earns those looks. It’s so fucking easy to make mistakes when you’re cycling. Know those times when you’re driving on a highway and there’s just miles and miles of open road in front of you? That chill cruise mode normally associated with driving can totally hit you when you’re cycling, too — and when it does, you’re not in a heavy, protective metal box. The monotone repetitiveness of pedaling and the sense of silently gliding over the ground can zone you out really quickly, right up until you notice that you’ve veered a little too close to the center of the road, or nearly collided with someone else, or stopped for a red light and somehow ended up at a 45-degree angle blocking pedestrians, bikes, and cars alike like a complete dipshit. It’s not something I’d call extremely common — it’s not like every cyclist out there is driving like a clown 24/7. But you see someone’s zoned-out bumblefuckery almost daily out there, and I’m not even going to pretend that I haven’t done my share of that shit as well. Hey, I just understood why drivers sometimes hate us.

In all fairness, that’s just my personal experience of bicyclists, and I’m a notoriously grumpy fucker. It’s entirely possible that to someone else, the cycling experience is way more of a “unicorns farting rainbows” thing than the Mad Max world I’ve described. Despite my tendency to give cycling a hard time, at the end of the day, I do enjoy it a lot. I enjoy it enough to write thousands of passionate words about it.

Besides, it sure as hell beats riding on a bus that someone has used as a toilet.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

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I Own A Bike Instead Of A Car: 5 Reasons Everyone Hates Me

I’m one of those dipshits who never got around to getting a driver’s license. As someone who hates being the designated driver, I am truly blessed by this. However, it also means that I have to rely on public transport for most of my getting-around needs. In recent times, I’ve gotten sick of pee-smelling subway cars and delightfully cramped buses, so I’ve attempted to cheat code my way out of all of that jazz by riding a bicycle to most everywhere. And man, that has revealed a whole new, previously hidden world to me.

A whole new, hidden, terrifying world.

5

You’ll Always Reek Of Ass

Just so we’re clear, I’m not one of those spandex missiles you see Lance Armstrong-ing their way through the city at breakneck speeds. In fact, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not an exercise kind of person at all. My workout is of the “bare minimum you need to do to keep resembling a human being” variety, and is exclusively motivated by an innate need to be able to execute a perfect dropkick at anyone or anything I feel has slighted me. At best, I’m the Super Mario of bicyclists: medium speed, medium stats, a little too chubby to pass for an athlete, and I would secretly like to swap my bike for a go-kart.

Still, bicycling is a physical activity, even for someone like me, who uses it exclusively for transportation purposes and prefers to ride at un-exhausting speeds. No matter how slowly you ride, though, you’ll strain yourself way beyond most other forms of transportation. Which means sweat. Which means swamp ass. Which obviously shouldn’t be a problem. Obviously you take a shower and/or change your clothes after you ride to, say, work. Obviously. You wouldn’t have it any other way.

For me, that mentality lasted for about a week.

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I’m sure that there are people who ride a bicycle everywhere and each time dutifully spend 15 minutes showering and changing clothes at their destination, but I’ve never actually met one of these folks, and I sure as shit am not one myself. It’s not that you don’t want to keep clean; it’s just that when you spend the day zipping around on a self-powered vehicle, you’d need three changes of clothing even without the whole showering thing. No one has time for that shit, so it’s easier to just do your best to clean yourself up a bit and resign yourself to the faint waft of eau d’taint following you wherever you go. So anything under five miles tends to be “Eh, whatever,” while longer rides might warrant a quick change of underwear and a baby wipe treatment to the armpits (which technically makes my hygiene habits the same as Brad Pitt’s … ladies).

Still, this is not necessarily a life-ruining thing. Hell, people might not even notice your secret grossness. But it’s not like you can ask a friend for an opinion, because …

4

Cycling Can Turn You Into A Social Pariah

One of the things I was most surprised about is that social interaction and cycling don’t go too well together, regardless of how well you maintain your stench.

In tons and tons of social situations, you’ll find yourself having to explain precisely WHY you use a bike right off the bat, and it can become a big thing. Sure, your boss probably values that you try to keep in shape, but when it comes to pretty much anything else, you’re screwed. Dating? Good luck, you now rely on the other person to haul you both around, which in turn can easily make them think of you as someone who’s not financially responsible enough to own a car. Heading for a night out with your friends? They’ll take their car, or an Uber, or public transport. You’ll be the fucker who turns up on a bike and has to change clothes — or worse, won’t change them, so that everyone can have a round of beers and another round of “What’s that smell? Is that cheese? Did Pauli bring cheese?”

Then you have to deal with the fact that you have a bicycle with you … all night. So now your friends have to deal with you. “No, guys, I know we agreed to meet with the rest of the group a few blocks from here, but I just found the perfect spot to park my bike, and can’t leave it behind, and don’t feel like unpacking it from the 12,587 chains and locks I need to make sure it doesn’t get stolen.” It’ll get old after a while, and even if you don’t mean to make a huge deal about it, it tends to become one, because from the group’s point of view, you’re now the shithead who insisted on bringing a totally unnecessary and hindering large object with you. As a social faux pas, it’s like heading out for a beer with your best friend and bringing Alex Jones as a surprise avec.

So you become Bicycle Guy within your circle of friends. “We’re heading out for a drink, should I call Bicycle Guy?” “Nah, fuck him. He’ll just haul that damn bike with him all night, whining about how he can’t leave it out of his sight.” Your range of operations is also waaaay shorter than it would be for someone with a car — after a certain geographical distance, you’re going to be thinking long and hard on whether or not the strain to get there is worth it. And then there’s the fact that the carrying load of a bicycle is you and a backpack. Buy a new piece of furniture, and you’re shit out of luck unless you can bug some friend with a car to help you. Basically, you’re extra baggage to all of your acquaintances — from your point of view, everyone is that one friend with a pickup truck who people are always asking for a favor. From their point of view, you’re that fucker who keeps asking.

3

Maintenance Is Bullshit In Ways You Wouldn’t Believe

Because you don’t have to bother with gas or parking, cycling can seem like a pretty simple mode of transportation: Just hop on and pedal until you’re where you need to be. I know that’s what I thought when I first started. However, the grim reality is that you’ll be spending way more time on hands-on maintenance than with a car. 50 percent of bike ownership is shouting “What the hell is wrong with you?” at it.

For a relatively uncomplicated mechanical device, there are so, so, so many ways a bicycle can break down — which it absolutely will at the slightest provocation, unless you keep tabs on it. You have to constantly check that the nuts and bolts are tightened. Brake pads and lines need replacing. The tires will pop if you give them a sharp look, and magically keep leaking tiny amounts of air so that you have to check ’em all the time. The more often you take off the wheel and chain in order to replace tires, the more wear and tear you get on the stuff that holds it all together, so it becomes super easy to strip the bolts or make it to where they simply won’t stay tightened. Almost all bikes eventually get loose handlebars. The chain needs to be kept oiled and clean. Everything that can rust will rust super easily, so rain will wreck your shit. And that’s just the beginning. Here’s a handy list of 101 fucking things you’ll need to keep in mind unless you want to turn your bicycle into an expensive faceplant machine.

Sure, you could just take the bike to the shop every time something breaks, but lets face it, you won’t. That shit will set you back hundreds and hundreds of dollars over time just to keep the thing in working condition. You have to know how to fix all that shit, and how to recognize the various irregularities in the riding experience and minuscule noises that indicate potential problems. It’s a pain in the ass to the point where it’s easy to just end up ignoring the issues and ride on the solid principle of “Man, I really hope nothing breaks today. Better look into that strange noise tomorrow.”

This is obviously not the best move, as I once found out when one of the pedals (which had been acting a little funny for a week or two) snapped straight off mid-kick. In related news, completely and unexpectedly losing your balance while riding is a strange feeling that apparently leads into a kickass somersaults and a keen newfound interest in bicycle maintenance. In even more related news, turns out helmets are not just for decoration.

Not that maintaining your bike helps jack shit if you don’t know what you’re doing. I once accidentally tightened a nut holding the back wheel too much, so it chose to snap when I was riding down a particularly steep alley. This caused the wheel to partially jump off its fork, which also fucked up the brakes, seeing as they rely on the wheels to be where they’re supposed to. With no way to brake and the wheel stuck jumping up and down in the fork in a way that effectively turned the bike into a rodeo horse, I did the only thing I could do: I let out a passable impression of the Wilhelm Scream and rammed my feet against the asphalt, trying to ignore the fact that this also meant that my dick was slamming with equal force against the top tube. That was the longest five seconds of my life. I managed to stop roughly 15 feet before a wall. I still have the pair of Converses with the soles burned through somewhere in my attic.

2

Cyclists Are Despised By Everyone Else On The Road

The neighborhood I live in has a Facebook group, because of course it fucking does. I joined because area news and various local grievances are generally great for entertainment purposes, but I immediately found out that roughly 70 percent of all conversations in the group revolve around two subjects: the acceptable and unacceptable places where a dog can poop (nowhere and everywhere, respectively), and the way bicyclists are unrepentant assholes who endanger everyone’s lives.

This is not an isolated thing. Bikes versus cars is a famously bloody flame war, both online and in real life, and once you bring pedestrians in the mix, the shit soup is good and stirred. If you’re invested in the subject, you know the arguments: “Bicyclists are law-breaking dicks who zoom dangerously around in traffic.” “Cities are designed for cars.” “Cyclists are weenies who are trying to save the environment, or hipsters, or annoying fitness nuts.” And that shit bleeds way into real life. There are drivers who more or less deliberately hit cyclists and lose their complete and utter shit when dealing with them. There are cyclists who fatally run into pedestrians and call it “unavoidable.” I was kind of hoping I could find stories about pedestrians who eat cars or something to make this a rock-paper-scissors analogy, but it turns out pedestrians are just generally fucked.

Of course, this entire situation is because of a very specific group of people: assholes. Every mode of transport has its share, and for cyclists, it’s the jerkfaces who zip around in the traffic with nothing but an “I could squeeze through here” mindset, and often at way too high speeds. No one notices the people who ride their bikes carefully and follow the rules. It’s the assholes and their various accidents and close calls who hog the publicity, which leads to many drivers perceiving cyclists as hostile yet fragile meat missiles capable of nothing but erratic, borderline-illegal turns and twists. For pedestrians, it’s the same, but you’re a silent, fast meat missile riding on 30 pounds of cold murder steel.

But hey, let the rest of the world hate you. At least you still have your fellow bicyclists, who totally understand your thing and like you. You can always hang out with them, right? R-right?

1

Bicyclists Hate Each Other, Too

Ha! Plot twist!

Individual groups of cyclists may be tight, but even casual bike-riding will reveal that cyclists as a whole are an insanely fragmented demographic, and most of the splinter groups are wary of each other. When you buy a motorcycle, it’s like joining a club, and you happily wave your hand at passing bikers. When you buy a bike, you get passive-aggressive “11 types of cyclists we all know” lists from Cycling Weekly which make no secret about the fact that all 11 types are kind of dipshits. That article is exclusively about the spandex-clad hardcore riders, by the way — the very people who read fucking Cycling Weekly in the first place.

It’s the same all across the board. The cycling community is pretty tribal, and as befits an individual sport, most cyclists tend to be fiercely independent in their particular biking style and preferences. So even when everyone technically follows the law, the stink eyes cyclists give to everyone who differs from their preferred parameters can be something to behold. And how many stink eyes is that? Well, let’s look at some of the different types:

– The spandex-clad dudes with expensive sports bikes and a midlife crisis who hate everyone slower than them, which is everyone

– The laissez-faire people riding slow, one-gear bikes super erratically, swerving wherever the fuck they like and never letting on where they’ll turn next

– The men who can’t accept that some women have better bikes and/or pedal faster, and deliberately block their paths or attempt to overtake them regardless of what happens around them

– Drunks

– People who for some reason genuinely think laws don’t apply to them

Consciously or not, each and every one of them thinks that their brand of cycling is the right one. And whenever someone does something that differs from their narrow specifications of What’s Right, dirty looks that would make Ivan Drago take a step backwards fly through the air.

Of course, it doesn’t exactly help that every once in a while, every one of us earns those looks. It’s so fucking easy to make mistakes when you’re cycling. Know those times when you’re driving on a highway and there’s just miles and miles of open road in front of you? That chill cruise mode normally associated with driving can totally hit you when you’re cycling, too — and when it does, you’re not in a heavy, protective metal box. The monotone repetitiveness of pedaling and the sense of silently gliding over the ground can zone you out really quickly, right up until you notice that you’ve veered a little too close to the center of the road, or nearly collided with someone else, or stopped for a red light and somehow ended up at a 45-degree angle blocking pedestrians, bikes, and cars alike like a complete dipshit. It’s not something I’d call extremely common — it’s not like every cyclist out there is driving like a clown 24/7. But you see someone’s zoned-out bumblefuckery almost daily out there, and I’m not even going to pretend that I haven’t done my share of that shit as well. Hey, I just understood why drivers sometimes hate us.

In all fairness, that’s just my personal experience of bicyclists, and I’m a notoriously grumpy fucker. It’s entirely possible that to someone else, the cycling experience is way more of a “unicorns farting rainbows” thing than the Mad Max world I’ve described. Despite my tendency to give cycling a hard time, at the end of the day, I do enjoy it a lot. I enjoy it enough to write thousands of passionate words about it.

Besides, it sure as hell beats riding on a bus that someone has used as a toilet.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

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