#everyone manifest we get a going live snap tomorrow if he goes live for the NRG game

[sapchat-archive]

APR 2, 2023

no sapchats :(

[etherealwaifgoddess]

Somewhere Only We Know

Main Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Since joining the Avengers you can’t seem to get any alone time with Bucky. You take matters into your own hands and find a creative solution to get the handsome super soldier back in your arms.

Warnings/ Content: Referenced sex. It’s all off screen and nothing is blatantly stated. 

Dialogue prompt: “Pleeeeaaase, can we just step away for a little bit? I promise I’ll make it worth your while.” 

Word Count: 1.5k

Author’s Note: Hello lovelies! This is my little entry for Lani’s 3rd Mysterious Writing Challenge for the oh-so-talented @propertyofpoeandbucky. She’s amazing ya’ll. If you haven’t read anything by her yet I *highly* recommend you go take a look at her stuff. I hope you enjoy this Lani!! Thank you for hosting such a fun challenge :) 

Somewhere Only We Know

(title from the song by Keane)

It wasn’t often you had time alone with Bucky. If it was up to the universe, you’d have none at all. Since joining the Avengers you found yourself constantly surrounded by various members of the eclectic group. Whether you were on missions or just lounging around the tower on your day off, there was always someone, most times multiple someones, around. It was like living in a college dorm all over again, and that was not an experience you were happy to repeat. Especially while you were trying to flirt with a certain centenarian ex-assassin. 

You’d had one blissful week together when Bucky came to recruit you. He’d found you in a crappy motel outside Philadelphia, hiding out after your powers had manifested on live TV in an almost horrific incident at a NFL game. A bomb had gone off during half time and you managed to get a protective force field around it in time for the bomb to implode inside the bubble without harming anyone. Of course, a girl with purple energy flowing around her who was able to save thousands of lives garnered a lot of attention from both the good guys and the bad ones. You had been on the run for two weeks when Bucky finally caught up with you. 

You were his first recruitment mission and he was determined to bring you in to join the team. You weren’t certain about being an Avenger but you were sure about getting him in bed. The super soldier’s thighs gave you a brand new appreciation of the word thicc. You’d spent the next six days enjoying each other’s company until Steve showed up, thinking he could help Bucky convince you to come back with them. You had never seen someone blush so hard their ears turned red. Steve was blessedly oblivious and you returned with them the next day.

After you returned to the tower with the guys your life had been a blur of training and practice. Bucky and you both agreed to keep what had happened to yourselves, not wanting it to potentially impact your ability to join the Avengers. You sparred with Nat, learned marksmanship from Clint, practiced controlling your powers with Wanda, jogged with Steve and Sam, and picked up a little basic first aid from Bruce. You knew it was important to be learning all that you could, to get yourself ready for the inevitable first mission, but you still missed Bucky. You’d barely get ten minutes alone with him at a time, never quite enough to make good use of it. 

It was a month into your training when you’d hit your limit. Bucky was too shy to slip off to your room at night, he was still sharing an apartment with Steve and his absence would be obvious. You started looking for out of the way places you might be able to slip off to unnoticed together. There were a few regular times that your day intersected with Bucky’s so you strategized when you would be able to make your move. You just hoped Bucky was still interested. Though the way he’d had to excuse himself last week when your shirt rode up while sparring with Nat seemed to indicate he was. 

You were cleaning up the kitchen after lunch, packing away the last of the leftovers, when Bucky walked into the room. He was still sweaty from his workout and the sight of his grey joggers riding low on his hips made your mouth go dry. It was now or never. “Hey Buck.” you greeted him with a welcoming smile. 

“Hey, Y/N. Are there any sandwiches left?” he asked while refilling his water bottle from the tap on the fridge.

“There are, or I could go show you the new wing of the bionics lab they’re building.” 

“What? I thought they’d stopped construction on that until Spring?”

“They did. But you see, it’s all the way up on the twenty second floor and no one ever goes up there.”

“Then why would we… oh.” Bucky’s eyes widened as he realized what you were implying. 

“Oh.” you echoed, nodding your head. “So what are you more hungry for, Barnes? The sandwich, or me?” 

Bucky blinked a moment at your blatant proposition before his brain got on board and you raced to the elevators. 

It became a habit, meeting up in the abandoned construction of what would eventually be an extension of Stark’s bionics lab. It was always frantic, heated, and absolutely amazing. You were dreading Spring’s arrival when you’d lose your hideaway. Hopefully by then your relationship would be able to be public. 

After an agonizingly long mission away, Bucky returned to the tower, tac gear covered in grime and still reeking of smoke. The second you locked eyes on him, you desperately wanted to get him alone. You wanted to help ease the tension in his shoulders and sadness in his eyes, take his mind off of whatever he had endured for a little while. 

Everyone was gathered in the common room while Tony gave a mission report to the rest of the team. It wasn’t ideal but you were undeterred. 

“Hey.” you whispered quietly to Bucky, knowing his super soldier hearing would pick up your words.

“Hiya, doll.” he answered, making sure his voice was just loud enough for you, and you alone, to hear.

“Wanna go up to our spot? They’ll never miss us.” 

“We should hang around ‘til Stark is done.” he whispered with a frown.

“Pleeeeaaase, can we just step away for a little bit? I promise I’ll make it worth your while.” you begged, “We’ll be quick, they won’t even notice we’re gone.” 

Bucky sighed and you could tell he was relenting. 

You were exiting the elevators, ready to slip back into the common room unnoticed barely twenty minutes later. Tony’s debrief meetings were usually an hour, so you should have still had plenty of time. Bucky went first, phantom silent as he slid back to his place along the back wall of the room. You waited a heart beat before making your way back to your spot next to him. It should have been perfect, you had practiced your stealth moves with Nat and were getting pretty damn good. Unfortunately your best laid plans were all taken down by a chip. 

Clint had helped himself to a bag of potato chips from the snack bowl and he crunched into one loudly right as you appeared in the doorway. Everyone’s eyes snapped over to the source of the sound and saw your attempted sneaking in the background. It might not have been too suspicious if it weren’t for the smudge of soot on your neck and your deer in the headlights expression. The fact that you’d buttoned two of your blouse buttons wrong in your hurry was just icing on the cake. Bucky’s eyes widened in silent panic as he realized you were busted and he stayed frozen in place as you laughed nervously, eyes scanning the shocked expressions of your team mates. 

Finally, Tony cleared his throat. “Wow. Robo Cop and our own little Glow Worm.” he shook his head in amused disbelief, “Good job, Glow Worm. Robo Cop, don’t make me give you the shovel talk, capiche? Now, let’s get back to work.” 

Everyone else was too stunned to comment so you just slunk back to your spot next to Bucky. “So much for discrete.” you whispered with an apologetic smile. 

“It was inevitable.” he shrugged.

“At least we won’t have to sneak upstairs to fool around now.” 

“I don’t know, doll. I kinda like having somewhere only we know.” 

“Love birds!” Tony shouted, startling you both. “Do you want to pay attention to the class, or do you want to go back upstairs and keep defiling my almost-lab?” 

The two of you cringed in unison. 

“So much for that.” you chuckle quietly, nudging Bucky in the ribs. “Sorry Tony!” you shout back.

“Wait? What!? Were you really? I was just taking a stab in the dark there. Oh god, my new lab! FRIDAY, get a hazmat crew up to the twenty second floor, stat! And you two. Ohhh you, two. Please, I beg of you. Go make use of one of the many beds we have here at Avengers Tower, preferably your own.” 

Bucky blushed fiercely, his ears adorably on fire.

“I don’t want to see either one of you until noon tomorrow at the earliest. Go on now, shoo.” Tony waved his hands at you dismissively. 

“The boss said so.” you shrugged at Bucky with a flirty smile. 

Bucky grinned wolfishly at you, “Orders are orders.” he said before scooping you up in his arms. 

You let out a little squeak as Bucky carried you off and you could hear Tony resuming his debriefing in the distance. It wasn’t the most ideal way for the team to find out, but somehow you couldn’t seem to mind at all. 

[eng-hypnosismic]

[TL] Drama Track 「Know Your Enemy Side F.P VS M」

[Gate unlocks]

Gentaro: Pardon the intrusion...ugh. Ramuda, you’ve made even more of a mess. Can you really work in a place like this?

Dice: Uwa--! Colorful as usual...it hurts my eyes!

Ramuda: Hey! Coming into my office just to start complaining is a no-no! Nope, nope! ☆

Gentaro: I guess that makes sense. It would be unreasonable of me to come to your office just to complain about it.

Dice: Ahaha, you ain’t wrong!

Ramuda: All that aside, you two must be getting along well to show up here together!

Gentaro: I suppose.

Female Gentaro: In our past lives, Dice and I were a princess and a knight fated to be star-crossed lovers. Now that we’ve reunited in this life, isn’t it obvious that we don’t want to be apart from each other?

Ramuda: Is that so?! Dice was a knight! Suuuper cool! ❤️

[Dice hits Gentaro]

Gentaro: Ow!

Dice: Cut the crap. We just ran into each other on the way here.

Ramuda: Whaaaa…? So Gentaro wasn’t really a princess?

Gentaro: Ahaha...

Female Gentaro: It was a lie!

Dice: I’d never have a weirdo like him as my lover in a past life, anyway.

Gentaro: Indeed. I wouldn’t want that, either. ...well, that’s a lie, though.

Dice: If you’re lying about “not wanting that,” then…[jumps back] Uwah! Stay back!!!

Gentaro: Ahaha, that was also a lie, though.

Dice: I’m done. There ain’t no talking with this one without tiring myself out, running in circles.

Ramuda: Ahahaha! You guys are so funny! ☆ Hey, hey, what should we play today?

Gentaro: Ramuda, tell us the reason we came here today.

Ramuda: Eh? You guys came to my office to play, right?

Gentaro: He truly has the audacity to say that, huh...

Dice: “You guys came to my office to play, right?” As if! We’re here to go to Chuuoku.

Ramuda: Oh, right! Totes my bad, I’m sowwy~! ☆　

Dice: [scratches head] Aaahhh, this guy’s totally playin’ us for fools!!!

Ramuda: Ehh? That’s so mean! Why would I toy with my two favorite people of all time?

Gentaro: Dice, arguing with Ramuda is a waste of breath. So please calm down. 

Dice: *grumbles*

Gentaro: *sighs* So, tomorrow’s territory battle pits us against Shinjuku Division’s Matenrou, doesn’t it? Their leader Jinguji Jakurai is an old acquaintance of yours, isn’t he, Ramuda?

Ramuda: Ahaha… I guess so.

Gentaro: What kind of person is he?

Ramuda: He’s a good person.

Gentaro: Anything else?

Ramuda: He’s a good person.

Gentaro: Anything else?

Ramuda: He’s a good person.

Gentaro: Ramuda, is it possible that... you hate Jinguji Jakurai?

Ramuda: Don’t say that, Gentaro! Hate’s a strong word, do you really think I could hate anyone?

Gentaro: Yes, of course. I’m aware that Ramuda is a person whose true nature is more difficult to unearth than my own. After close and careful observation, I just can’t help but think so.

Ramuda: Hahaha…Can’t help but think so, you say? What do you mean?

Gentaro: In your life, there are no flaws. Usually people have very “human” moments, but you’ve nothing of the sort. It just feels like a lie, all of it. Consider it a liar’s intuition. There is something up with “Ramuda”.

[something snaps inside Ramuda]

“Ramuda”: Gentaro…get your nose out of my business. I(1) don’t want to talk about it.

[Gentaro gasps]

“Ramuda”: Listen well. I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. Don’t you ever make that mistake again. I won’t tell you twice.

Dice: H-Hey… What’s wrong, Ramuda?

Ramuda: Aha! Hey, hey, was I scary just now? Was I? An Onee-san I’m close to told me that she liked this type of character, so I practiced!

Dice: Aw, so that’s all it is! I freaked out for a sec, what with how suddenly your personality changed. Ramuda, ever thought of becoming an actor?

Ramuda: Yay! I got praised by Dice! I did it!

Gentaro: Well...that’s fine. To each their own story. As long as I can complete my mission, these things don’t matter. That said, this felt like the first time I’ve ever interacted with a “human” Ramuda.

[cuckoo clock rings]

Dice: Hm? Oh, it’s already this late? Hurry up, let’s go.

Ramuda: Oh, oh! It really is time. We gotta go! Let’s go, Gentaro.

Gentaro: Ah, yes. Let us go.

Ramuda: Now, onwards! To Chuuoku...let’s go!!!

—————

[knocks on door]

Hifumi: Hey, Doppo, I’m coming in. Uwa! Your room’s a dump again…!

[Hifumi starts cleaning up]

Hifumi: Even though I just cleaned it, it always ends up like this…

Doppo: Hmmmgg...

Hifumi: Come on! Hurry up and wake up, Doppo! We’ll be late meeting Sensei!

Doppo (sleeptalking): Ah, Manager, sorry, sorry. It’s…it’s my fault. It’s all my fault that our department's sales have been plummeting this month, and my fault that the department head had a meltdown, and my fault that you’re balding...I’m sorry...I’m sorry...sorry...

Hifumi: Yikes, he’s even apologizing in his dreams! Just how much of being a corporate slave is imprinted in him... Come on, it’s quitting time for the office in your dreams!

[Hifumi starts slapping Doppo awake]

Hifumi: Come on…come on…come home…!

Doppo: ...It hurts.

Hifumi: Ah, you’re up, Doppo.

Doppo: Hifumi, can you think about my feelings like a normal roommate when you wake me up?

Hifumi: It’s your fault for not waking up! You even kept apologizing in your sleep. You’re way too much of a corporate slave, you know?

Doppo: Eh…? L-leave me alone…ah, that’s right… I was even working within my dream…they better pay me overtime.

Hifumi: Get up, I made breakfast, so hurry up and eat so we can head over to the meeting place.

Doppo: Today’s breakfast is *sniff sniff* …Grilled salmon, huh?

—————

[Car races by]

Doppo: Sensei, I’m sorry for making you drive on top of providing a car.

Jakurai: Don’t worry about it, I don’t dislike driving.

Hifumi: For reals, sorry for always hitching a ride!

Doppo: Hm? Wait a second, “always?”

Hifumi: Yeah? What about it?

Doppo: Why are you “always” riding in Sensei’s car?!

Jakurai: Ah, when Hifumi and I go fishing, I always drive, Doppo-kun.

Hifumi: Yup, yup! Sensei and I are fishing buds!

Doppo: I-I never heard about it…

Jakurai: Huh, is that so? But I’ve always told Hifumi to invite you, too...

Hifumi: No way you “never heard about it!” I invite you every time, but you always say, “I’m going to sleep, talk to me tomorrow.” And then I couldn’t ever tell you ‘cause your body clock is in reverse!

Doppo: Hh...you might have said something like that on my days off...

Hifumi: See?

Doppo: This time it’s actually my fault for not listening to you but… I still feel kinda left out or something…

Hifumi: Haha! Why would I ever leave you out?!

Jakurai: That’s right. The next time our off days align, let’s all go fishing together.

Doppo: Hifumi, Sensei, thank you very much! Even if I have to use my hypnosis mic on the balding manager, I’ll get a day off!

Hifumi: Oh! It’s rare to see Doppo so fired up! [happy noises]

[Hifumi starts hugging Doppo]

Doppo: Stop it, Hifumi. Don’t cling to me…!

Jakurai: Even if it’s to get a day off, do not use your hypnosis mic, alright, Doppo-kun?  

—————

Ramuda: Aha, such a cool and tall wall! Every time I see Chuuoku’s outer wall, I’m totally wowed!

Gentaro: Ramuda, please circle around me more. It sets my heart all aflutter to see you have fun.

Dice: Hey, Gentaro! Don’t say necessary things! He’ll just get more annoying!

Ramuda: Ehehe! Then I’ll start running off more! Woooossshhhh!

[Ramuda starts running around]

Ramuda: How’s that, how’s that!

Gentaro: Well, that was a lie though.

Ramuda: Huh?! That was a lie?!

Gentaro: Yes. Quite frankly, you’re being a nuisance, so stop running around.

Ramuda: Ehehe! I won’t be fooled anymore~! That’s a lie, too, right?

Gentaro: No. This is not a lie.

Ramuda: Sure it’s not~! ❤️

Gentaro: Ramuda, you may not know this, but Dice loves to have people run around him, even more than food. Therefore, go run around Dice.

Dice: Hey, dude, stop messing around!

Ramuda: Really?? Then I’ll run a whole lot around Dice! Wheeeeeee!

[Ramuda starts running around Dice]

Dice: AHHHHHHHH! SHUT UP! Chill the hell out!  

[Ramuda runs around Dice]

Dice: AHHH!

Ramuda: Ahaha! Can’t catch me~!

Dice: Get your ass over here!

[Dice chases after Ramuda]

Gentaro: Ramuda’s acting as he usually does. No, it’s different. He hasn’t shown us his “true self” since then. Let’s test it.

Gentaro: Oh right, Dice.

[Dice stops running]

Dice: Huh? What do you want?

Gentaro: I left something in the car. Go fetch it for me.

Dice: Huh? Why I gotta do that? Do it yourself!

Gentaro: Is that so? I suppose that’s that, then. I was thinking we could all have a gambling session tonight, so I brought along a deck of cards, but I guess we can’t…

Dice: Yes, sir! I will go get them right now, so hand me the keys.

[Dice runs off to the car]

Gentaro: Now, Ramuda.

[Ramuda comes to a halt]

Ramuda: What is it, Gentaro?

Gentaro: There’s something I want to ask you.

Ramuda: Sure! Ask away! But are you gonna ask me about that boring thing from earlier? If so just know I hate that stuff~

Gentaro: Then it’s fine. I’ve no intention of waking the beast.

[Ramuda hugs Gentaro]

Ramuda: Eheh~! I loooove Gentaro~! ❤️

Gentaro: Yes, yes. The same goes for me.

[Dice returns]

Dice: Gentaro! There wasn’t a deck of cards!

Gentaro: Of course not, I was lying.

Dice: You bastard!

Ramuda: Oh! It’s Ichiro! Hey~! Ichiro~!

[Ramuda runs off to Ichiro]

Gentaro: Amemura Ramuda...quite the intriguing case, isn’t he?

—————

[Everyone gets out of the car]

Hifumi: Ah, we’re heeeeere! As always, Chuuoku’s wall is super tall.

Doppo: Yeah, I guess. This impenetrable wall and top-notch security were both provided for by taxes, collected from the money I’ve been killing myself just to earn...thinking about that makes me cry blood.

Jakurai: This wall is the manifestation of our world’s distortions.

Hifumi: Speaking of, Sensei, you know that one guy from Shibuya Division’s Fling Posse, don’t you?  Amemura… Shiguma, yeah? You used to be teammates, right?

Doppo: Hifumi, it’s not “Shiguma” it’s “Ramuda.”

Hifumi: Right, right, Ramuda! The person with a weird name, So what kind of “type” is he?

Jakurai: Amemura-kun, huh? Let’s see…

[Doppo flicks Hifumi]

Hifumi: What was that for, Doppo?

Doppo: You idiot! Everyone knows that Sensei and Amemura Ramuda don’t get along. What are you going to do if you upset him…?!

Jakurai: Haha, thank you, Doppo-kun. But it’s alright, you needn’t trouble yourself over it.

Doppo: Sensei…!

Hifumi: See! Sensei says it’s fine!

Jakurai: Let’s see… Honestly, I don’t have a particularly positive opinion of him.

Hifumi: What did he do for someone like Sensei to hate him?

Jakurai: While it’s true that I find odd people interesting and likeable...humanity...well, perhaps one could say that he has lost his humanity. Something of that sort.

Doppo: So Amemura Ramuda is the reason your previous team disbanded?

Jakurai: That is a part of it, but it’s not the whole reason.

Hifumi: How ‘bout the whole “lost his humanity” part?

Jakurai: That’s… No, let’s leave it at that. Unfortunately, this is unfavourable towards him, so it is against my principle to talk about the details publicly. I’ll have to decline answering your question.

Hifumi: Eeehh? It’s fine, isn’t it? Tell us--

[Doppo slaps his hand over Hifumi’s mouth]

Doppo: Hifumi! He said that he doesn’t want to answer! Don’t try to force him!

Hifumi: *grimaces*

[Doppo lets go]

Hifumi: Okaaaay...

—————

Samatoki: Well, if it ain’t Sensei...what a coincidence, enterin’ the same time.

Jakurai: Hm? Ah, Samatoki-kun, it has been a while. You haven’t changed at all.

Samatoki: Yeah. You two, introduce yourselves.

Juto: Glad to meet you. I am Mad Trigger Crew’s Iruma Juto. I have heard talk about Jinguji-sensei for quite some time. It’s an honor to meet you.

Riou: It is nice to meet you at last. I am Busujima Mason Riou. Treat me well.

Jakurai: How polite of you. I am Matenrou’s Jinguji Jakurai. Though we will be fighting in the future, the pleasure is mine.

Samatoki: Are the ones behind you your team members?

Jakurai: That’s correct. Please introduce yourselves.

Hifumi: Hey heeey! I am Matenrou’s MC Gigolo, Izanami Hifumi! Nice ta meet’cha!

Samatoki: Hah? Why ya runnin’ your mouth?!

Hifumi: Haha, whoopsie! I made the yakuza angry! Doppo-chin help me~!

[Hifumi hides behind Doppo]

Doppo: H-Hey! H-Hifumi…!  

Samatoki: Who’s the white collar?

Doppo: Hh! Y-Yakuza…!

Hifumi: Come on, Doppo! It’s rude to not properly introduce yourself!

[Hifumi pushes Doppo forward]

Doppo: Uh...

[Doppo pulls out his business card]

Doppo: This...is me...

[Samatoki grabs and crumbles the card]

Samatoki: A business card? Pain in the ass.

[Throws it on the ground]

Samatoki: You got a mouth, at least use it!!!

[Grabs Doppo by the collar]

Doppo: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I’m Kannonzaka Doppo, your average salary man…!

Juto: Hm? I feel like I’ve met him somewhere.

Samatoki: Say that to begin with, dumbass!

[Releases Doppo]

Doppo: ...I have a fate of being yelled at no matter where I go… Tomorrow, I’ll probably say something unnecessary and it’s going to be my fault we lose… And tomorrow it’ll be my fault that it rains. I’ll appear a wet mess without an umbrella in front of women… Hah… It’s all my… My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my…

Riou: What’s wrong with you all of a sudden? If you don’t feel well, drink this homemade special drink made with lavender (2).

[pours Doppo a drink]

Riou: Here.

Doppo: Huh? Thank you for your kindness…

Samatoki: Hey, Juto. Didn’t we try to drink that before and get knocked out cold in seconds?

[Juto starts shivering]

Samatoki: Huh? Hey, Juto, what’s up?

[Samatoki tries shaking Juto]

Juto: ...Ah! S-Stop it…! I don’t want to remember it…! Don’t make me remember that cursed taste…

Samatoki: O-Okay… Well I don’t gotta tell him.

Doppo: Now, I’ll gladly drink it.

[Doppo gulps down the drink]

Doppo: Ooh! I think I feel somewhat better...! It’s a bit bitter, but it’s a good feeling. Um, please tell me how to make this next time!

Riou: That’s good. Of course, I’ll tell you. Next time, you should come to Yokohama Division.

Samatoki: You shittin’ me? He drank it, no problem.

Juto: That’s unreal…

Hifumi: Heehh? Doppo, let me drink some too!

Doppo: Geez, Hifumi. Busujima-san, is that okay?

Riou: I don’t mind.

Doppo: Thank you very much. Come on, you thank him too.

Hifumi: Thankiiiieee!

[Riou pours another cup]

Riou: Go ahead.

Hifumi: Down the hatch~!

[Hifumi throws it all up and collapses]

Doppo: Huh? H-Hey! Hifumi, what’s wrong?

[Doppo tries slapping Hifumi awake]

Doppo: This isn’t the time to fool around!

Hifumi: HHHHuUUUhHGGG!!

Samatoki: Well, that’s a normal response.

Juto: Yeah.

Samatoki: Huh? What’s up with you, Juto?

Juto: No, it’s nothing. In any case, Samatoki, you have the District permits with you, right?

Samatoki: Duh. I’m the one in charge of ‘em...

[Samatoki pats his pockets]

Samatoki: Huh? Agh! Dammit!

Juto: Huh? Could it be, you left it at the office?

Samatoki: No! They’re there, you know, on the dashboard of the car!

Juto: Well that’s great. Then let’s go get them. Riou, you too.

Riou: Roger.

[Juto & Riou begin walking back to the car]

Samatoki: See ya, Sensei.

Jakurai: Yes, see you tomorrow, Samatoki-kun. Now, Doppo-kun, Hifumi-kun, shall we go on ahead?

Doppo: Yes.

Hifumi: Kaaaay...

[Everyone walks off]

—————

Hifumi: Oh, the big gate over there is the entrance, huh?

Doppo: Huh? Are the people over there from other teams?

Jakurai: It seems so. It’s Ichiro and his team and… Amemura is there too.

Hifumi: Oh! The Amemura Ramuda that Sensei hates!

Doppo: I know Sensei said not to worry about it, but have some tact! Right, Sensei? …Sensei?

Hifumi: Sensei went ahead already.

Doppo: Sensei…

Jakurai: It has been a while, Ichiro-kun. And the same to you, Amemura-kun.

Ichiro: Hello, Jakurai-san.

Ramuda: Eeh, that geezer Jakurai’s here, too...ahaha! Long time no see, Jakurai!

Jakurai: I can hear you, Amemura-kun. As always, you show no courtesy towards your elders.

Ramuda: Ehhh? I don’t know what you’re talking about~! ✩ So the shitty old man’s ears work just fine.

Jakurai: Haa, how long are you going to continue with your childish act.  

Ramuda: Bleeeh! That’s none of your business! Hmph! Bleeeh! Why don’t you say something, huh?

Gentaro: Oh? So that’s Matenrou’s leader, Jinguji Jakurai. He’s not as temperate as I’ve heard.

Dice: Huh? What do you mean?

Gentaro: They say Jinguji Jakurai is so saintly he wouldn’t hurt a fly. But for him to suddenly lunge at Ramuda...

Dice: Oh…

Gentaro: Or on the other hand, Ramuda could have done something that angered even someone so divine.

Dice: Prob’ly. That’s something Ramuda would do, not that it’s any of my business.

Gentaro: Are you not curious about what happened, Dice?

Dice: Of course not. I came here for a gamble, not a history lesson.

Gentaro: Heh, that’s just like you to say something like that. However, knowing your enemy is essential for victory.

Dice: Then I’ll leave the complicated stuff to you. I’ll just have fun betting my life against the enemies in front of me.

Gentaro: My goodness. Well, obviously I couldn’t rely on someone as reckless as you. Let’s just play to our strengths and focus on our individual duties.

Dice: I kinda feel like you’re trash talking me, but since you’re taking care of that annoying stuff, I’ll let it slide and leave you to it.

Gentaro: That’s fine. Hm? The ones entering over there...

[lights cigarette]

Samatoki: The damn hypocrite, Yamada Ichiro-kun. I’ve missed you.

Juto: Well, well, it seems that everyone is here.

Riou: Hm. So these are the former Dirty Dawg members, Yamada Ichiro and Amemura Ramuda. I see. They do have a certain aura about them. I wonder just how good they are. I’m looking forward to it.

Doppo: H-Huh? It seems that the policeman from Mad Trigger Crew is walking towards me...

Hifumi: What’s wrong, Doppo? Someone you know? Just kidding, to meet someone you know in a place like this…

Juto: Hey, it’s been some time hasn’t it? You changed quite a bit, so I didn’t recognize you earlier.

Doppo: Huh? “Been some time”...?

Juto: I don’t blame you for forgetting. My appearance has changed quite a bit as well. I’m Iruma, we used to talk for quite a bit during questionings.

Doppo: Huh… Ah! The corrupt cop!

Juto: That’s a bit of an odd way be remembered as… But I’m glad that you recognize me.

Hifumi: Hey! It really was someone you knew!

Juto: You seem to have quite the unique friend there.

Doppo: S-Sorry…

Juto: Aha. It seems that you still have a habit of apologizing, Kannonzaka-san.

Doppo: A-Ah, sorry--

Juto: There is nothing for you to apologize for. Then, we shall part here.

Doppo: Ah, yes. I hope to see you again…

[Juto walks off]

Hifumi: Doppo, how’d you get to know him so well?

Doppo: It’s not like I know him well or anything...there were just a few complications back then...

—————

Ramuda: Wah! Sa-ma-toki! ♡ It’s been a while~!

[hugs Samatoki]

Samatoki: Aahh, pain in the ass! Don’t fucking touch me!

[tries to throw Ramuda off]

Ramuda: Hehe! It’s been so long, it’s fine, right?

[Samatoki continues to struggle]

Samatoki: Asshole, if you don’t cut the crap, I’ll kill you for real.

Ramuda: Samatoki scawy~! ♡

[Jakurai removes Ramuda]

Jakurai: It is rude to suddenly walk away when someone is speaking to you. Moreover, a proper adult would not do what others do not like.

Ramuda: Then, I’m fine being a kid -3-.

Jakurai: Haa, I am astonished beyond words.

Ramuda: In that case, keep your trap shut for eternity.

Jakurai: Amemura-kun, as I have said before, I can hear you.

Ramuda: Ahahaha! So annoying~!

Ichiro: Ramuda, enough already.

Ramuda: Wha?! Ichiro is picking on me too?! Boo hoo…!

Samatoki: Sensei, I’m sorry for the trouble.

Jakurai: No need; I had simply not finished my conversation with Amemura-kun.

Doppo: T-The Dirty Dawg members are all here!

Hifumi: Hyaaa! If I snap a pic and upload it to SNS, it’ll go viral!

Gentaro: The legendary group fallen from glory reunites out of pure coincidence...if this were a novel, it’d be an awesome scene, though I’d rather not encounter it in real life.

Dice: Don’t care, though. I just wanna hurry up and gamble.

Jakurai: Amemura-kun, to continue with the conversation from earlier--

Ramuda: I’m not being a real bother to you, so just leave me alone.

Jakurai: If you really think that, then I really question your sensitivity.

Ramuda: What are you talking about? I don’t understand.

Jakurai: Personally, I am deeply intrigued by the behaviors of the twisted, hence, I can’t hate them. People like that tend to be rather magnetic, pulling all those near them towards misfortune, but that’s just life. I don’t harbor any hatred or disapproval towards it.

Ramuda: Jeez! Your speech is so difficult and boring!

[Ramuda jumps and grabs Jakurai’s collar]

“Ramuda”: That’s enough, Jinguji Jakurai. If another word comes out of your mouth, you’ll regret it.

Jakurai: What?

Ramuda: Like I said~ Boring talks are a no-no!

Jakurai: *deep chuckle* Amemura-kun.

Ramuda: Whaa?

Jakurai: My sincerest apologies, but I truly don’t believe I can ever come to like you.

Ramuda: Ahaha~! I don’t mind because I de-de-de-de-de-de-deeeeespise you~!

Jakurai: *deep chuckle*

Ramuda: Hehe~

The faster, the better, since I’ve had enough of your face. No need to wait ‘til tomorrow.

[hypnosis mic on]

Jakurai: There is no helping it. This is self defense.

Ramuda rap:

None of your business, geezer

Cast away ghosts with this flow, the best!

Like a monster that keeps respawning, but

This rap is gonna end you, gramps!

[hypnosis mic attack wave]

Jakurai: Ghhaa...! Fufu… It’s been a while since I’ve felt this… He’s especially good with such dazzling style...this dizziness is unbearable.

Ramuda: Huuuuh? You’re down already? Jakurai, so lame~

Ramuda rap (cont):

Ha! Weak, weak, painful, painful

You look good in the grave, like a zombie

To respect you even though I hate you is impossible

Jakurai betrayed my expectations too much!

[hypnosis mic attack wave]

Jakurai: The same old amazing flow, I must say.

[hypnosis mic on]

Jakurai: This time, it is my turn.

Jakurai rap:

Indeed your rhyme, its style is superb however

I won’t show mercy to patients like you

Beneath the scalpel of words, can you win? No!

So let me give you some advice, if it’s your medical report, it’s pediatrics

[hypnosis mic self-recovery wave]

Ramuda: Woah! What a recovery!

Jakurai: I’ll be continuing.

Jakurai rap (cont):

There is no hope for you, a troubled soul’s child’s play

Respect raises a person to be strong

That is why I am strong (strong); respect fuels my strength

You will come to understand it in death, farewell (farewell)

[hypnosis mic defense wave]

Ramuda: Ghh--! Your raps are so dark as always. Your raps aren’t for attacking but are aimed at yourself. And then you elevated your mentality and upped your defense.  

Jakurai: Battle tactics differ based on the individual; only a third rate rapper would complain.

Ramuda: Tch! I’m gonna keep coming at you though!

Ramuda rap (cont):

Annoyed, irritated, on edge, out of patience

Who do you think you are? A god? I hate you!

Being a pain as you so please

Getting on my nerves everytime

Such an arrogant zombie!

[hypnosis mic attack wave cancelled]

???: You will cease now, you sickening men.

[several women run in]

Jakurai: That’s…

Ramuda: Tch!

Hifumi: H-Hhh! There’s… so… many…Hh--!

Gentaro: What a sight…

Dice: What a fancy way to greet us.

Doppo: S-Sensei… Could those scary women possibly be…

Jakurai: She is the advisor to the Prime Minister and Superintendent General of the Metropolitan Police Department, Administrative Supervision Director-General, Kadenokouji Ichijiku. She is the number two of the current government.

Doppo: S-So it really is…!

Kadenokouji Ichijiku: Next, Jinguji Jakurai.

Hifumi : Hh! S-She’s coming this way…!

[Ichijiku walks towards Jakurai]

Jakurai: Yes, what is it?

Ichijiku: I’m the one who should be asking that, you fool! Have you a defense for this siutation?

Jakurai: No, none.

Ichijiku: Hmph! So you too are no more than a man.

Doppo: A-Ah… Pardon me…!

Ichijiku: What is it?

Doppo: Um… Sensei had no choice since Amemura Ramuda activated his hypnosis mic-

Jakurai: Doppo-kun, I’m fine.

Doppo: But--!

Jakurai: It’s okay. Anyways, Hifumi seems to be terrified so go to him instead.

Hifumi: *crying sounds* Doppo… Don’t leave me...

Doppo: …I understand.

[Doppo runs back to Hifumi]

Jakurai: I apologize for the trouble.

Ichijiku: He has a good heart, but you know what happens when people tries to make excuses before me...

[Ichijiku walks towards Fling Posse]

Ichijiku: Alright, next. Amemura Ramuda.

Ramuda: Yes, yes~! What is it, what is it?

Ichijiku: Shut up! Your voice is grating to hear!

Ramuda: Waaaah! Onee-san got angry at me!

Ichijiku: It irritates me to talk to someone like you. Listen well, I’m only saying this once so pay attention.

Ramuda: Naah~! I don’t like difficult talks so I won’t listen! Bye bye!

[Ramuda runs aways]

Ichijiku: It’s not worth talking to an idiot. Alright, we’re departing.

[all the women leave]

Jakurai: Hifumi-kun, are you alright?

Hifumi: L-Lots of… women…

Doppo: Just take a look! They’re already gone.

[Hifumi looks in all directions]

Hifumi: That was suuuper scary!

Doppo: Amemura Ramuda is an odd one, as predicted.

Jakurai: Yes. He is an oddball, but he has first class skill.

Doppo: *grimace*

Doppo: With what we’ve seen of the other team members, they all look very skilled.

Jakurai: It may not be reassuring coming from me, however, I believe with you two, we can win.

Hifumi & Doppo: Sensei…!

Jakurai: Now then, shall we enter Chuuoku?

Hifumi & Doppo: Yes!

—————

Gentaro: It was my first time seeing someone as respectable as Kadenokouji Ichijiku.

Ramuda: That Onee-san doesn’t really have a reason in going out, so we were totes lucky to see her!

Dice: That important-seeming woman has such an exaggerated title.

Gentaro: Dice, she doesn’t just seem important, she is that important.

Dice: Oh, for real?

Gentaro: Dice, could it be that...you don’t know of her?

Dice: Not a clue. Not like her name will do me any good in gambling, anyway.

Ramuda: Ahaha, that’s so like you Dice!

Gentaro: Haa...all else aside, Ramuda, you dared to use your Hypnosis Mic under such a woman’s jurisdiction...this kind of situation—

[phone rings]

Ramuda: Sorry~ I need to take this, ‘kay?

Dice: Just pick it up here, who cares?

Ramuda: It’s a call from Onee-san so I don’t really want you to hear about it~ Unless you want to hear our flirting~? ☆

Dice: Never mind, take it outside.

Ramuda: See? Then, I’ll go out for a bit~!

[Ramuda runs off to take to call]

[exits the building]

Gentaro: Hmm…

[phone continues to ring]

[picks up call]

Ramuda: I thought you’d call, Onee-san!

Ramuda: Yup, of course no one is listening.

Ramuda: Yeah.

Ramuda: Like I said, sorry ‘bout that!

Ramuda: Yeah. I know, I know.

Ramuda: Yeah, uhuh.

Ramuda: Uhh yeah...

“Ramuda”: Yeah, that won’t be a problem. Without any delay. If there is anything suspicious about the other divisions, I’ll report it immediately. Yes, if you can.

Ramuda: Mhmm!

Ramuda: Okay~!

Ramuda: Aha~!

Ramuda: Of course, Ichijiku onee-san! ❤️

TL notes

1. “Ramuda” uses “ore” to refer to himself instead of Ramuda’s usual “boku”. Both mean “I” or “me” but “ore” is relatively less polite and more masculine.

2. Lavender has many health benefits including treating anxiety, stress, insomnia, and relaxation. But who knows what else Riou threw in there.

[emilyplaysotome]

Chapter 18 - What Goes Around Comes Around

Catch up on all Chapters here: http://emilyplaysotome.tumblr.com/post/173554646607/down-the-voltage-rabbit-hole-the-sequel-master

Meg didn’t let me discuss what she said. It was like her to do this - she had a way of forcing me to sit with thoughts and feelings in order to help me get past my initial knee jerk reaction.

She told me that after my dinner tomorrow we could regroup and really talk about what she’d said. She felt that a day’s time would allow me to reflect enough in order to accurately unpack my feelings. I wasn’t sure I’d have time to think things over properly, but I knew better than to try and argue with her right now. 

I could tell she was in a mood herself, and I had to imagine that between her breakup and her unexpected visit to the otome realm she was a bit of a mess herself these days.

Meg still did her best to be a good hostess, and tried to boost my spirits by pouring me a glass of wine and telling me about her own adventures. I felt sick to my stomach but did my best to listen and potentially experience the world that had allowed me to find love for the first time in a more objective way.

Just as it had been for me in the otome world, time progressed faster in that world than in our own. Whereas my week away from the real world had been the equivalent of a month or so in otome-ville, Meg had lived a little over three weeks in bizarro Tokyo before returning to the real world. Thankfully the king had apparently showed some semblance of a conscience upon her arrival and as a result he had provided her with food and shelter at the residence of the Gods putting everyone under strict orders to see that her needs were cared for (at least, everyone save for Zyglavis and Leon).

Naturally Meg had argued something fierce with the king about returning her immediately, but he wouldn’t budge and she quickly deemed the other Gods as useless for not stepping in and setting things right.

With the head Ministers away, Punishments was being run by Scorpio and Wishes by Karno. The Gods were aware of what had happened and meeting Meg for them became an event as they were eager to hear about the life of their comrades who were living in our world. Her annoyance grew in those first moments between their unwillingness to push back against their dictator king (as she called him) and the interrogation that followed (which stemmed from their natural curiosity).

Her disdain for them continued to grow as the night went on and as a result she found herself holed up in Leon’s uninhabited bedroom for the first few days in her new world, somewhat in denial of her bizarre circumstances. Though I had explained to her what had happened to me, it was still hard for her to fully wrap her head around being in a video game where handsome men existed purely to provide romantic escapism.

She knew that she was effectively powerless in so many ways, and I understood more than anyone how being around Gods with the ability to manifest anything with a snap of a finger could add to feeling small and incapable of changing one’s circumstances.

“For three days straight I cried,” Meg said. “I cried because I was angry. I cried because I was heartbroken. And I cried because with nowhere left to run and no distractions to be had…everything caught up with me.”

She told me during that time the Gods brought her what seemed like Chipotle, and I smiled at Scorpio having remembered that from my time in his world. Altair had also come by with lattes in the mornings, another small detail that warmed my heart and proved to me that despite her statement the people who lived in that world were more than just programmed robots. I felt as if my time there influenced them, and as a result her time as well.

When she finally emerged from Leon’s bedroom days later, Meg knew that she looked like a hot mess. She was still in the clothes she’d arrived in and her face was puffy and her eyes were swollen from crying so much. Partheno had been the first God she encountered that morning in the living room and upon seeing her he gave her a makeover, and provided her with a whole new wardrobe.

There was some distance in the way she spoke about him, seeing as how she never played any of the games that she experienced firsthand as reality. She was annoyed by how flirtatious and imposing they all were - treating her like a plaything because she was female, almost as if merely having a vagina was such an anomaly and meant that they couldn’t treat her as they would anyone else.

“It’s not just the Gods either,” she said. “All the men in that world look at you with starry eyes or with an agenda of some sort. Literally none of them just treat you like a normal human being - there’s always some romantic subtext or potential tension simmering under the surface. I think that’s why I looked for women and what I assumed were NPCs because it was exhausting to exist in this way…”

“I get that,” I said, still not fully sold on how she saw a world that had such a positive impact on my life, “But still...you didn’t enjoy the fantasy at all?”

Meg shrugged, “I mean, I certainly wasn’t a nun if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Wait...what?”

“What?”

“I meant more, there was no one who felt real to you? Who touched something inside you that’d been dormant for a long time? Because that’s what that world did for me…what those men did for me…”

“I don’t know Omi,” Meg said with a sigh. “Maybe it was just the freshness of everything that happened with Noah but I couldn’t get out of my head long enough to have feelings if that’s what you’re asking. They were hot. When I drank for whatever reason they became more appealing. But if you’re asking if I could ever fall in love with them? No, if only for what I said to you. As awful as this heartbreak is, I still want someone who chooses me because they choose me. I never want to wonder if they were to one day magically have free will if they’d have chosen me…if I stood a chance.”

“But...you didn’t have a date? Or remember what it was like to dream about romance with someone who could actually fulfill your wishes?”

“Maybe our wishes are just different. I wish to find a partner who is imperfect in real, human ways that I can grow with. Not a realistic simulation of humanity that feels good but keeps me safe. I’m not a...”

Meg stopped herself, realizing how whatever she might say could offend me and pass judgment that she didn’t mean to pass. Instead she sighed and offered me a forced, but sympathetic smile.

“I did have sex with a bunch of them if that makes you feel better.”

“What?!”

“Men are building sex robots. I figured this was a similar equivalent.”

“Who?? And didn’t that make them just...obsessed with you?”

“Probably but that’s just how they’re programmed,” Meg said with a shrug. “I didn’t care if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Wait a second.”

I pulled out my phone and opened the Love365 app. It had been awhile since I opened it and I watched as the typical opening animation was promptly followed by an error message that simply read, “Our games are currently undergoing maintenance. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

“Meg...”

“Do not tell me you’re going to slut shame me for enjoying myself in a rebound paradise full of hot guys, who all wanna bang me and doing so doesn’t run the risk of contracting STDs.”

“No, I would never…but how many do hook up with? The games are all offline.”

To that Meg giggled, “Huh, I guess there were real world consequences after all.”

“Meg!” I scolded her but I could feel the tension between us dissipate in that moment. Soon we were both laughing uncontrollably before she rattled off a rather long list of men she’d bedded.

Of the Gods she’d chosen Partheno, Tauxolouve, and Dui. Her life in the otome world has taken her to Addison & Rhodes seeing as how she too was familiar with advertising. There she’d had Dr. Maki, Toshiaki, Taku, and surprisingly enough Toma as well. She’d hooked up with Nomura after a night drinking at Station and Kaga who she met on line waiting for dessert even though she said she questioned if his hotness balanced out dealing with his arrogance. She’d also somehow managed to sleep with Rikiya Mononobe, Kota Igarashi, and Genji Higashiyama.

Out of principle she hadn’t touched a bidder. She told me that she met Baba pretty early on once she’d ventured out of the Gods mansion and went exploring. After sleeping with a few of the Gods that first week, she realized that they all began competing for her affections by conjuring a generous allowance which allowed her to enjoy the city, in addition to gifts (such as jewelry, clothes, perfume, and makeup).

Her first week she found through gaggle that the Tres Spades had not only a fun casino but a great bar and decided to spend her fifth night out on the town as she tired of the Gods bickering over her affections. In the casino Baba had attempted to pick her up, and I chuckled knowing that while he and I were like oil and water, him and Meg were something much worse, seeing as how there was nothing Meg hated more than a smooth talker.

In college I once watched her destroy a young man who approached her having read a few pick up techniques, and as he skulked away from her, tail between his legs she’d even gone so far as to yell after him, “NEXT TIME JUST SAY HI AND TREAT WOMEN LIKE PEOPLE!”

To Baba though, she was a challenge and he texted his friends to come meet the beautiful woman whose spirit reminded him of Ami’s. Somehow they kept popping up wherever she went, and as annoyed as she’d been by them she enjoyed toying with their emotions a bit. 

She felt it was merely giving them a taste of their own medicine, although I could tell that out of all the men in this world somehow she’d grown fondest of them despite never wanting to admit it.

“I think that’s everyone, but who can really remember,” Meg said with a sigh as she flopped back and laid on her couch, “I think I’m ready for a real rebound with a real human and a fuckton of therapy now so I can actually start moving on.”

In a way it was interesting how Meg was able to regard these men as nohting more than fantasy.

There was no guilt of casually sleeping with and leaving these men who she believed were essentially created for women’s pleasure (albeit through storytelling, not sex for the average otome fan). Her likening them to sex robots spoke to why she could never understand why I’d choose or want to choose Zyglavis. She didn’t understand that I’d seen him grow from something beyond his character’s starting point and while he still might be a fantasy, he was more real than she was willing to give him credit for.

We’d only talked about her flings and first week in the otome world when I realized that it was almost 11 PM, and with another workout scheduled before work I knew I needed to cut our catch up short.

“I’ll come by after the dinner…but I’m going to be honest,” I said as she walked me to the door. “I get where you’re coming from but I don’t know if I see it the way you do.”

“I know,” she said as she hugged me. “And that makes me appreciate what you did for me even more. Get home safe ok?”

“Talk to you tomorrow.”

She closed the door behind me, and I found my way outside and to the subway. As I walked, I thought about what she said.

Before I’d woken up in Ebisu with Doctor Irie, my dating life felt like a real struggle. If I’m being honest, it was all very scary and overwhelming for me and I felt slightly bitter that it seemed as if my friends had all fallen into these perfect relationships. Meg’s breakup had opened my eyes to the fact that what looks perfect on the outside often is anything but, however at the time it felt like I was the odd woman out.

The longer I went without having a boyfriend, the more I wondered if I was just not the kind of woman that men like. Those thoughts ate away at me. I wondered what it was that I needed to change in order to find someone who would love me, all the while feigning confidence at work and rising in the ranks.

Professionally, I knew how to fake it until I made it but personally I had no idea.

In a city like New York I was able to compete and win when it came to my job but when it came to my personal life and the core of who I was, I found myself faltering. There’s a sea of prettier, younger, smarter women that I admire while simultaneously using their existence to validate why no one would ever pick me in the end.

So yes…I suppose in a way Meg was right when she said that I opted for something and someone who felt safe.

Safe was something that I hadn’t felt in many years while dating and it felt good to have the upper hand for once. With the king’s game I was using the confidence boost that being in the otome realm had provided me, and it was only now that I questioned the root of that confidence.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the dress I’d worn to show off for Hijikata earlier that morning. I thought about the kiss from Eisuke and the moments I shared with Jin in his office.

It was all because of me.

It was because of the person I’d become, and even if it took a vacation from reality to get there I knew in my heart that I was better for it.

I sighed aloud to no one in particular and descended the stairs to the subway. I swiped my card, walked through the turnstile, and saw that my train home was 3 minutes away.

I plugged my headphones into my phone, untangling them from having been jammed in my bag and plugged my ears with my iPhone earbuds. I was looking through my library, deciding what kind of song I wanted to lose myself in when I heard in the distance a man ask, “Have you seen this woman?”

“What about you? Have you seen her? No? Ok, thanks anyway.”

I glanced up but the man shuffling from person to person on the platform was wearing a baseball cap and I figured he was probably just another New York City late night nutjob. My mind was too filled with the otome world and the people I’d met there, as well as Meg’s words about the dangers of getting lost in a fantasy to care about a random crazy person.

I selected “We don’t talk anymore” and dropped my phone back into my bag, letting out yet another melancholy sigh as I thought about the fact that I didn’t feel like waking up early to play this game anymore. I wanted it all to just work out. I wanted things to be easy and safe and I wanted, no I felt as if I deserved, to catch a break after all this time and everything that had happened.

“Excuse me, miss have you seen this woman?”

I jumped, startled as the man thrust a phone in my face that had a picture…of Meg on it.

Surprised I looked up and saw that under the cap hid distinctly light brown pinkish locks and when I looked up I saw the face of a lovesick Partheno.

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Thanks for reading :)

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[awed-frog]

The Lying Detective/Scheria

We focus on Sherlock, of course we do, because he’s the hero and because he’s interesting and unpredictable and always this close to falling apart in some way that, we know, will be catastrophic for everyone. So we look at him hallucinating a childhood long past and we marvel at him being all soft with this woman he doesn’t remember and we listen to him shouting Shakespearean verses with a gun in his hand and we look, most of all, at how the world literally revolves around him, turning and spinning on its axis until Sherlock decides he’s human, after all, and finally goes to sleep like the curly-haired, tantrum-prone toddler he is.

But the story, we know, is really about John, because this is normally his story: he’s the narrator, and he’s the one who helps us to make sense of this world of mirrors and weird crimes we’ve stepped into. And we know precisely how much we owe him, because without him, nothing makes any sense (look at TAB) - which is why the tragedy of Mary’s death is tragic not only for the very real, tangible loss John experienced, but for this other thing he lost: his wish to tell stories (his wish, in the end, to be himself).

I called this meta Scheria because John is not the first character to face this particular challenge. When Odysseus comes to Nausicaa’s island, Scheria, he’s been through ten years of war and ten years of weirdness, cannibalism and mindfucking. Nausicaa finds him alone and naked, because that’s who our character is, at that point: not a warrior, not a king, not a pirate; not the commander of a ship, and not even someone who has a wife and a father and a son and friends in distant lands. No, after so many years of blood and loss, Odysseus has finally become the fabric of his own lies: he is No One. If he’d been shipwrecked on Ithaca instead of Scheria, he certainly wouldn’t have had the strength to reclaim his throne, or the confidence to attempt it. But, luckily for him, Scheria is not an island of monsters. Nausicaa may be a ‘burner of ships’, as her name implies, but the world she welcomes Odysseus into will put him back together, because in Scheria, thousands of years before Freud sat down and decided talking out loud was a kind of therapy, Odysseus is invited to tell his story, and it is because he tells his story that this nameless castaway becomes himself again. As he talks - and he talks a lot, by the way: his tale is a long as a professional poet’s, and full of monsters and beauty and sex - Odysseus seems to become the person he was when he first left for Troy. A strong, dangerously smart king who’s not afraid to fight for what’s his and loves his wife more than anything.

(I’ll stop here because it seems decent, but I literally wrote papers about this stuff and I could talk all day about The Odyssey, so if you’re interested send me an ask.)

Now, John is going through a similar thing at the beginning of TLD: he’s shipwrecked and alone, completely separated from the people who used to give meaning to his life and define his place in the world. His wife is dead, he can’t be a father to Rosie, he has no friends he can be open with (nobody, after all, seems to even know he’s seeing a therapist) and, most of all, he’s completely cut Sherlock out of his life. 

But if this is the episode John is completely broken, it’s also the episode he fights to get back to his own Ithaca.

Personally, I saw the beginning of his journey back home in his endearing mix-up of the words ‘acceptable’ and ‘understandable’ in the very first minutes of the episode. We often forget about it, but this very factual and no-nonsense army doctor is, first and foremost, a writer. He doesn’t chronicle Sherlock’s cases: he writes fiction about it, so much so we know sometimes Sherlock grumbles about the changes and deviations form reality. And when you write fiction, well - you can’t write what you don’t understand, so everything becomes understandable - from death to grief to acts of extreme cruelty. When you write, you step inside the head of your characters, which is why, perhaps, John simply gets Sherlock in a way no one else really does: not only because he loves Sherlock, but because he actively becomes Sherlock as he fleshes out character!Sherlock on the pages of his blog. But when John’s caught in the worst tragedy of his life, suddenly he doesn’t want to be a writer any longer (he can’t). We know he neglects his blog, rejects, perhaps, both his relationship with Sherlock and this aspect of himself - his writer self, the man who could justify and explain away everything that ever happens - put it into prose and be done with it.

(I know that’s certainly how I feel when I grieve for someone I’ve lost.)

So, to me, his outburst to his therapist really spoke volumes about his mental and emotional health.

“Why does everything have to be understandable? Why can't some things be unacceptable and we just say that?”

Because, John, that’s not how fiction works. 

In fiction, everything must be understandable - to the writer, if not the readers. And the fact John doesn’t seem to get it - that he doesn’t get the difference between two very different words of the English language, despite being highly educated and a writer - really shows how profound his dissociation is right now - an issue that is made apparent by having Mary at his side, of course, but also manifests itself in more subtle ways. John was not simply a husband, and Sherlock’s best friend. Writing is an important part of who he is, and it is also, I think, something Sherlock is trying to give back to him by begging John to accompany him on his Smith case.

(“I would be lost without my blogger.”)

And Sherlock, as usual, was right, because it’s precisely when his role as a writer is openly challenged that John starts to fight back. Of course, John starts his path back to himself when he has to admit he still cares about Sherlock - when he leaves Sherlock out of the boot of the car and into the sacred place of a therapy session - but until they arrive at the hospital and Nurse Cornish questions his role at Sherlock’s side (“Are you involved much? I love his blog, don’t you?”), John was listless at best - a sort of Okay, so Sherlock’s dying too - great news, because what can I do about it I am a mess everything I touch dies and someone make it STOP - but after that, he starts to realize his old self was worthwile, and he starts to actively reclaim it. Look at him in that room full of children: before Smith took over and made it creepy, that scene was about John rediscovering himself. Faced with people who neither really know who he is, or even care about him and his role at Sherlock’s side, John suddenly fights back by doing what he does best: turning Sherlock’s fast-as-lightning thought process and disconnected sentences into stories people can enjoy. Stories that make Sherlock get more cases, sure, but, mostly, stories that help people smile and cry and yell out loud; stories that make sense of the disorderly and chaotic and brutal world we all live in.

Sherlock catches that, of course, and understands how important it is: his only real smile this episode blossomed right there - when I’m no good to anyone, leave me the hell alone John Watson stands up a bit straighter and looks a killer in the eye and tells him, “No one’s untouchable”. This is John caring again - this is John forgetting, if only for a split second, about the current black mess his life has turned into and being himself instead; accepting that the person he is still has value, despite his wife’s death.

(God, I wish I could gif - look at this beauty - at Smith completely lost in his own narcissistic trip - at how angry John is, how he just blurts out the words without even thinking - at how Sherlock snaps out of whatever thought he was chasing and looks up at him and smiles - someone kill me right now.)

So, well, I’m not worried. Whatever happens next, John will be okay.

[As ever - thank you for reading. The second part of this meta, the Johnlock part, will be up tomorrow.]