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sanguinesprout · 8 years ago

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Just write... don’t think too much... ugh... impossible... It hurts... (Bittersweet feelings of the past, some self- encouragement and general happenings)

It’s really difficult, especially difficult lately. I’m not sure whether these physical symptoms that have been plaguing me for some time have resurfaced on their own, or whether they’ve been exacerbated by the tremendous amount of stress I’ve been subjecting myself to, but it’s knocked me back quite a lot. Both physically and mentally, I’m so exhausted and so pained, it hurts so much. I feel like I can’t do anything again, there’s no joy or desire to do anything, my motivation is almost all shrivelled up, concentration span is -1000 and I’m still ever so frustrated with myself. I need to take a deep breath and stop beating myself up about things again.

I started writing this post a couple of days ago and was thinking about it a few days even before that so I have completely forgotten what I wanted to write. Happens pretty much every time and I’m such an idiot but w/e, oh welp and never mind. Spontaneous is the way to go!

The past few days, or weeks I’ve been really in a sort of nostalgic-ish sentimental kind of mood. Mulling over the past isn’t something I want to keep doing because well it sucks demotivates and side tracks me usually, but in this case it was kinda unavoidable and sometimes reflecting is good too. I’ve been tidying a lot of the stuff in my room lately, trying to declutter and sort through some stuff that has gone untouched for years. Things like toys from childhood, books from school, even some old photos and things like that. Seeing them all again feels so bittersweet. So much has changed, the things I used to love and find big and amazing look so small and old now, it fills my mind with memories and also sadness. I’ve never been allowed pets so the stuffed animals I had were very dear to me and made me feel safe, seeing them again made me feel horrible for boxing them away for so long. The feeling of being replaced or thrown away is such a horrible thing, I feel really guilty about it, but it’s also something I feel like may have happened to me idk...

I am always worried about growing older and having not accomplished anything, being a burden... It’s one of the reasons I am scared to reconnect with past friends or put myself in view of relatives on places like Facebook. I imagine all those people are happy and successful unlike myself. I mean I’m only assuming this and I’ll never know how they’re doing really, but they were definitely much more functional than I, that’s for sure. I even dreamed about them a few times lately, made me remember some good things and bad things, it left me feeling pretty wistful and upset. I do miss them a lot and I wish I tried harder to stay connected but being there on FB was just such a bad experience for me and everything else at the time was already too much to handle, I had to run, I had to disappear... :< There’s so many more specific things, reasons, events which I could mention but I’m not ready to write about it, or I am too scared to or may have remembered wrongly. It pains me so much to think back about bad times, but it’s probably all my overthinking that was the real cause of the problem idk... ;;

I also went back and looked at every account I’ve had on the internet that I could remember. Some linked to more that I had forgotten even, but in general they all weren’t used for more than a year or two. Most of these were from like 7-8 years ago when I was most active and well... I’m sure I’ve written something like this before but I still write pretty similar now, though much less sort of goofy and hyper lol. I saw I wrote some things that I probably would never even think of writing now or feel would be much too personal in a way to disclose so freely. I would favourite and comment a lot more and just generally try reach out and message people much more easily. I was still anxious about things I posted and I mentioned my worries frequently, I remember still trying hard to fit in and only partly succeeding, and I openly wrote 'my life sucks’ in some of my profiles lol. I want to regain some of that confidence or carefree-ness I had before or to find some new ones. (Sounds like I’m talking about buying shoes or something, but I am too lazy to think up a fancy coherent sentence rn lol.)

There’s a lot of friends I talked to then and well disappeared from, but some of them also disappeared. Things happen and there’s a lot more important stuff that requires focus on for everyone. Maybe like these times I’ll be able to forget my most recent escapes and losses of friendship as time goes on. Though the last time was different... there was conflict while in previous ones I just faded out. The conflict really affected me a lot, much more that I could even comprehend, I feel it may have even sparked a lot of my current illness. I looked back on some things from before the conflict happened and it’s such a shame how something so happy and sweet can become so sour so easily. I miss the happier times I experienced and I wonder how all the people I’ve ever talked to online are doing. I hope they are well and I’m thankful that they were my friend, no matter how long or short that may have been, it still meant so much to me.

There is still one friend I occasionally message and a few still within reach now. I feel bad for staying away from them, but my priorities lie in improving my health. I keep feeling like I’m being selfish, but looking after yourself and your health is of the utmost importance. I was a little happy when the friend (and past friends) said they wanted to talk to me recently or times before when they’ve said before that they enjoyed messaging me, it made me feel... well, not worthless, which is very nice and touching and I hope my own words may have warmed their hearts just as much too :’>

Something I was also able to take away from my little nostalgia dig is that I was a good person and still am. Not to be bigging myself up or anything, but I just want to remind myself of this for all the times when I decide to hate on myself and bring myself down. I know I have a good heart (figuratively at least lol) and that I am someone worthy of friendship, even if at times I feel I don’t deserve it. I liked to help people and also admire people’s work with great enthusiasm, while being appreciative of their comments and it showed. I should cherish myself more and give myself credit for what I have been able to do instead of beating myself down with doubt and self-loathing.

When I looked the art I had posted before all those years ago, I felt pretty impressed by myself and kind of proud, which is very motivating. There were plenty of flaws, a lot that I worried about and even mentioned repeatedly, but there were people that genuinely liked my creations and the actual content, even if experimental was very good even in my own eyes ^^ Even if it sucked, I still continued and wanted to learn to get better. Now I am always afraid of trying things, always unaccepting of the flaws and instead striving for the unattainable but failing and ending up paralysed instead. Sometimes effort is not equal to a good result and sometimes it is, sometimes unintentional things can be great and intentional things can suck, sometimes... no, at all times I just need to go for it and praise myself even for just the act of trying, no matter the outcome. ‘Perfectly imperfect’ or ‘free and me’, maybe those are the styles I can strive for instead C:

Anyways, now I’ve had a look at the past, it’s time to get back to the present where everything matters most. I’ve been going shopping, to the park and stuff like that quite a bit again recently, it’s been nice even though I wasn’t feeling that good and the weather’s been pretty erratic as usual. I haven’t played Just Dance for probably over a month now lol, I actually got the newest one and haven’t even tried it, my focus has just been elsewhere or maybe just nowhere. Despite this, I think I am still feeling alright physically, besides the possibly stress/anxiety induced pains. I have lost a little weight, probably from my cleaner-ish diet, and it feels less tiring when I do go out and I feel a tiny bit more confident which is good, I hope lol >< My skin has been even awful-er lately and that knocked back my confidence though :c I kind of took the time to pamper myself yesterday, it was nice after such a long time and I’m glad I put the effort onto doing so even though it was hard :3

I started watching this Korean drama (’Heart to heart’) a while ago, which I had high hopes for, as it was centred around a girl with social phobia(or that’s what the summary said, but she actually has agoraphobia which is well, different) and a psychiatrist but I lost interest in it fairly quickly. It’s just a typical Korean romance drama dressed up a tiny bit differently, with the lead male (the psychologist) having the stereotypical rich, arrogant, selfish personality which is completely illogical and unrealistic for his occupation and some other hand wavy cliche things. Me and my sister were watching it while my parents were there. Before watching it I was thinking it could maybe give a slight insight into how I feel, but it was much too... too... idk it feels like the topics aren’t treated seriously or are exaggerated for maybe comedic effect. I feel I expected too much. Also the second lead guy is an actor I kinda like and his personality is the total opposite of the lead (kind hearted, heroic etc.), but knowing the lead girl will probably end up with the mean lead guy is just so annoying.

My dad was asking why the character is so weird and my mum just doesn’t watch it at all, she has something against Korean dramas in general and since the topic of therapy has been around with me lately, it probably put her off more... My sis even said to her that I specifically wanted her to watch it, which really freaked me out. Something I took away from it is that I don’t want to reach the point which the main character was in, I know that sounds really mean and that what she has is different but it scares me to think about it, the extent in which someone would go to avoid interaction and if that someone could end up being me (though I know very well how unlikely that’d be). She lives alone, can’t speak up to anyone, literally runs away from interaction and she does things like grow vegetables in her house so she wouldn’t have to go to the store etc. (That was one of the things my dad was commenting on amusedly and enquiring about). But she also knew how to cook and drive a scooter and she could go out with confidence when in disguise etc. which is so much more independent than I, though she doesn’t really have a choice if she wants to survive.

Uh I shouldn’t be comparing myself to a character lol... or anyone else for that matter... The drama is interesting in a way, but the typical rich snobby characters and cliches irk me. I actually don’t have the energy to watch anything at the moment in general most of the time anyways... it sucks... ><

Something I’ve been thinking about for a long time.... I just feel like maybe knowing what’s wrong, or pushing myself in the direction of what I feel is wrong with me may turn out to be a self fulfilling prophecy and I really wouldn’t want that at all. I need to wise up more and wait for official help, it’s really difficult to not want to self diagnose myself with avpd, though I kind of already have been doing so. I am still waiting for contact about an appointment, and well there’s been nothing so far, seems like it’ll probably be a while before I begin getting anywhere there. It’s disheartening but I can keep being patient and trying on my own still like I have been doing at least.

There’s lots of things I’ve been wanting to do and thinking about them is overwhelming, especially because of how I feel there isn’t enough time because I go about things so slowly. But I know I also waste a lot of time just worrying about it, wallowing is sadness or getting lost in other thoughts. There is enough time, I’m just not using it as much as I could, but it’s really hard with that mental block always being there. I’m thinking of that Confucius quote again, about being slow and it not mattering, it’s pretty nice and reassuring. I haven’t done totally nothing these days, I did quite a few things and maybe none of them are near finished, but if I just push a bit more maybe I’ll do just that. No more pushing myself down and instead let there be more action! I can do it! I can keep going! :D

Wow this post got long lol, but I did write it over quite a few days and w/e I can write whatever and however long I want, stop worrying silly me! This your blog to do with as you like after all! I may not be feeling good right now, but it won’t stop me from doing things. I wanna make awesome stuff and kick ass and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do hoohah! Alrighty, motivation up! Let’s go~~!! C:

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