#every time season 2 rolls around and shiv decides to come in

[ivystitches]

the amount of disrespect shiv takes from her brothers on a daily basis, i would’ve committed at least one murder by now

[sob-dylan]

ranking of bcs season 5 episodes based on how sexy i found them

10. Namaste dir. & writ. Gordon Smith

good ep, not sexy. jimmy commits his first hate crime against the dandy howard hamlin. hostile work environment at los pollos. the return of the uncomfortably stereotypical thugs that beat up mike. very let down because gordon smith has written some of bcs’s sexiest episodes in past seasons, including gloves off, chicanery, & something beautiful. the car chase intercut with lyle cleaning the fryer was pretty sexy tho. 2/10

9. Dedicado a Max dir. Jim McKay, writ. Heather Marion

this ep ranks so low because of what it could have been. was expecting it to be the sexiest episode, but was given very little of what was promised. the fountain was sexy, scheming kim was sexy, any invocation of revenge is sexy. that’s about it. 2.5/10

8. Wexler v. Goodman dir. Michael Morris, writ. Thomas Schnauz

first we’ve seen of nacho in a long time, but as usual it’s not nearly enough. he is reunited with mike, giving him the opportunity to play a bargaining chip for the first time in two seasons, which is sexy of him, but also reminded me of the how little he’s done since he became fring’s dog. nacho being underutilized is not sexy. (i could go on a whole rant about the poker chip we’ve seen nacho fiddling with a few times during different collection scenes, but i don’t think i quite understand it enough). kim suffers the worst day of her professional career because jimmy decided he knew what she wanted instead of listening to her. not sexy. lalo getting arrested was, of course, very sexy. 4/10

7. Magic Man directed by Bronwen Hughes, written by Peter Gould

sexy episode, but it all rests on the shoulders of lalo, nacho, & gus (+ a very timid domingo-- i’m into that). the mcwexler stuff just made me sad. lalo’s lounging in el michoacáno with his blue loafers kicked up? much appreciated. lalo and nacho constantly calling each other “man”? nice! the sit down between lalo and gus was very sexy, but the sexiest part of this episode for me was the trap house, especially the beginning sequence. loved the scene starting from inside the car with some great tunes, the camera following the meth down the drainpipe, lalo’s erratic driving and his refusal to acknowledge arlo, the power that nacho has demonstrated by arlo shutting up when he gets out of the car, the slightly shaky camera work in this moment, nacho leaping up those stairs and then pounding on the door before gently telling mouse it’s okay. all incredibly sexy! 6/10

6. JMM dir. Melissa Bernstein, writ. Alison Tatlock

pretty fucking sexy for production legend melissa bernstein’s directorial debut.  not only is it the first bit of substantial lalo content in a while, it’s the debut of jorge de guzman! the shot of him from the shoulders down with the focus on his tattoo? sneaking a phone in so he can tell nacho to burn down los pollos? the arson itself? very, very sexy. vague allusions to what went down in santiago? frustrating, but sexy. kim and jimmy consummating the most ill-advised marriage ever authorized by the state of new mexico? sexy, (especially kim’s hair). lydia rodarte-quayle! “shanked and shivved and whatnot.” that was a very sexy suggestion, lydia, keep ‘em coming! 7/10

5. Bagman dir. Vince Gilligan, writ. Gordon Smith

vince gilligan’s triumphant and very sexy return. the shoot out! the time lapse of the clouds while jimmy and mike walk along at a normal speed! “my wife” & “mrs. goodman!” and of course, the sexiest thing of all, the meeting between kim and lalo. gordon smith redeemed himself with this one. despite the piss-drinking, a very sexy episode indeed. 7.8/10

4. The Guy For This dir. Michael Morris, writ. Ann Cherkis 

a very, very sexy ep! a swarm of ants set to yodeling isn’t in itself sexy, but i respect the symbolism and the bold creative choice. but then! the garage scene! imo this was the sexiest scene of the season. everything from the blocking to the lighting, not to mention the Acting. i’ve rewatched that scene many, many times. other sexy things about this episode: kim yelling at acker, kim opening up, nacho’s lounging-at-home-watching-soccer outfit, amber & jo, the one genuine smile nacho has all season (at the beginning of a devastating conversation with his father), lalo making jimmy and nacho watch him drive his car, “you’ll make time!”, nacho’s signature car-leaning, & “once you’re in, you’re in.” 8/10

3. 50% Off dir. Norberto Barba, writ. Alison Tatlock

look: i can admit that this hole ranking system is heavily dependent on how much nacho & lalo there was in an episode. this episode started with a home invasion at casa de varga so that gus could intimidate nacho in his underwear and ended with nacho rolling up on jimmy and then making him drop his mint chip in the street. and in between? the poker game. the birth of ocho loco/krazy-8. THE PARKOUR. “ignacio varga, eres un chingon.” the small expression of pride on nacho’s face when lalo says “it’s your call.” nacho finally accepting food from lalo, only to find it’s a trap! lalo using his own brand of the lie detector to make nacho offer to kill his oldest friend. dear god! this ep marked the explosion of the eduardo “lalo” salamanca/ignacio “nacho” varga tag on ao3. it’s an inspiring kind of sexiness. mike’s story was compelling, but a boner-killer. 8.9/10

2.  Bad Choice Road dir. & writ. Thomas Schnauz

ah! the something stupid callback! jimmy falling to his knees when he finally gets a signal! kim crying! jimmy’s trauma! the godfather reference with the oranges! (and no, i didn’t pull that out of my ass. peter gould mentioned it on the podcast) the care-taking, despite kim having every right to be furious with jimmy! the tender and heartbroken look on lalo’s face when he leaves the nursing home! lalo impatiently ordering his new chauffeur nacho around! the way lalo stands when nacho drops him off at the well! how happy nacho is to finally be rid of lalo for just 3 seconds before lalo gets back in the car! the lalo leap! the final scene! rhea claiming her emmy! but ultimately what’s so sexy about this ep is how well it encapsulated the ethos of the show. i’m still salty about the dinner party (???) with lalo, nacho, and nacho’s girlfriends getting cut, tho. 9/10

1. Something Unforgivable dir. Peter Gould, writ. Peter Gould & Ariel Levine

i don’t consider it the best episode of the season (that would be bagman), nor is it my favorite (that would be 50% off), but imo it is the sexiest episode of bcs yet. slippin’ kimmy! the finger guns! the kansas city royals shirt! kim laughing in howard’s face! the post-coital mcwexler scheming! and of course every single scene in mexico! nacho’s forced smiles! lalo’s unmitigated excitement at returning home! “nachito!” lalo’s despicable but still somehow sexy attitude toward that poor kid ciro! the scene where he’s fixing the car! lalo’s praise of nacho! lalo being the life of the party! everyone adoring him expect for juan bolsa! lalo’s party shirt! nacho’s tough but respectful chain-over-a-fully-buttoned-shirt-cause-it’s-time-to-meet-the-don look! nacho spelling out exactly what he wants! lalo closely watching nacho and don eladio! the intimate, late-night fireside conversation! the beautiful emotional asymmetry of that scene! a man who is finally ready to allow himself to trust someone choosing the wrong person! (in other words: lalo lowkey trying to get laid while nacho’s actively trying to facilitate his assassination!) nacho being the resourceful little bitch we all love! lalo immediately blaming poor ciro! (seriously, what is the story there??) the frying pan! the fucking tunnel! lalo kneeling over that dying hitman, peeling off the mask that’s melted to his face, and gently telling him “esta bien” ! lalo limping out of his estate with murder in his eyes, ready to hunt down the only man not carrying the Salamanca name he’s ever trusted! if this ep had included nacho regaining a shred of agency over his situation, it could have a perfect score. 9.9/10

[chromecutie]

Not A Ghost - part 18

A/N - Multi-part fic. Colossus x OC where OC has come home after being wrongfully imprisoned in the Icebox. Warnings for whole fic - references and flashbacks to harsh prison environment, including various types of abuse. Takes place shortly after events in Deadpool 2. Whole thing will end up on my AO3 eventually.

Taglist: @emma-frxst  @ra-ra-rasputiin  @holamor ​  @empressme-bitch  @marvel-is-perfection  @hazilyimagine ​ @marvelhead17 @rovvboat @angstybadboytrash ​ @whitewitchdown ​ @master-sass-blast ​ @mori-fandom @mooleche @dandyqueen . Wanna be added or removed? Holla at me.

-------------------------------------

Piotr had made a massive platter of tacos for lunch. Piotr, Ellie, Yukio, and Rhonda sat around the table and had just started eating when Wade and Cable showed up.

Wade gasped in dramatic mock-offense, “What the fuck, Colossus? You made tacos and didn’t bother to invite me?” He pulled his phone from a pocket and after some taps and swipes, showed the table an Instagram post--Yukio’s smiling face in a low corner, holding a taco, while Ellie and Piotr were behind her, assembling more tacos. “I gotta hear about this shit from Yukio’s adorable Instagram! -- Hi, Yukio!” he waved cheerfully at her.

“Hi, Wade!” she beamed and waved back. “Happy to see you!” When she gestured toward the tacos, Wade snatched one up and started crunching away.

Piotr hesitated and almost turned them away, but he checked Rhonda’s face. She held her head tall, shoulders down in a posture that didn’t look nervous. Her eyes had the slightest squint in a reserved smile, but she didn’t look afraid like she had when she first met Cable.

Turning his attention back to his boisterous friend, Piotr said firmly, “A plate, Wade. Hello, Cable.”

Cable, quiet as ever, got plates for himself and Wade to join the table for lunch. He gave everyone his typical curt nod, but gave Rhonda an actual verbal greeting with his nod, “Rhonda.”

“Hey,” she returned politely between bites. It might be surprising for a Russian to be good at cooking Tex-Mex, but Piotr certainly made some fabulous tacos. The seasoning was flavorful and spicy, without being overbearingly hot.

“Oh, heyyy!” One of Wade’s cheeks bulged as he eyed Rhonda. “Look at you! Less Shawshank, more spank bank. I like it.”

Piotr’s eyes bulged and he nearly choked on his food. Rhonda almost spat the drink she’d just sipped. She checked her clothes, scoffing. “What about sweaty hair and old hoodie says spank bank?” 

Wade shrugged, “Ask the Venom fans, I honestly don’t know.”

As she thumbed away the little spot of sour cream on her lip, Rhonda shot Ellie a look, hoping for an explanation for what the hell he was talking about. Ellie rolled her eyes and shook her head.

This visit was going much better than the last one. Cable usually matched Ellie for hard scowls and pretending nothing has ever been fun ever, but even both of them had some laughs. The group generally caught up and shared news.

“So wait,” Wade interrupted Piotr in the middle of some updates about the school. “Who did your wife try to stab last week?”

Yukio and Ellie hesitated, Piotr tried to shut down that line of questioning, but before he could, Rhonda thumped one hand on the table. “Okay, look,” she said, defensive and irritated, “Kurt did his bamf-out-of-nowhere thing, like he always has, because he thought it would be funny to startle me, like he always has.” She huffed. “It’s just that my...startle reflex is no longer jumping or shrieking--it got re-trained so I now go straight to stabbing a motherfucker. But I did not actually hit him.”

In truth, the fact that Rhonda had almost stabbed a close friend had scared her as much as Piotr. The look on Kurt’s face when he’d bamfed away to avoid the shiv, however, was priceless. Who’s startled now, bitch?

Rhonda grumbled into her taco, “It was nice to see him get scared for once, though.”

Wade’s face was lit up with pure joy as he slapped at Cable’s shoulder, “Oh my god. We gotta take her to a haunted house in the fall!”

A worst case scenario flashed in Piotr’s brain that involved several people missing their kidneys and his wife shaking in a corner. “Absolutely not,” he said. 

“We’ll see!” Wade insisted.

Cable did his best to rein him in and shift the subject. “Rehab, though?” he asked, “The music helping you?”

Rhonda brightened. “Yeah! Well, sort of. It helps me focus.”

Yukio beamed, “Have you listened to Hozier yet?”

Ellie and Rhonda exchanged sly smiles before Rhonda answered, “Next on my list.”

Piotr beamed proudly, gesturing to his wife, “She had wonderful breakthrough yesterday! Lit a bulb so bright, it shattered.” He said more quietly, “Though, perhaps don’t hold it so close to your face next time, sladkaya.”

Steri-strips still criss-crossed her face over the nicks as she gave a halfhearted eye roll. She only kept the strips on so Piotr didn’t force something more drastic like a cone of shame.

Scooping up little taco remnants onto her fork, Rhonda admitted, “It’s not like when your abilities are new and you’re just trying to do better than running on raw emotion.” She tapped one of the steri-strips, “This caught me by surprise while I was venting about something, but otherwise...I know exactly how I used to control it, I just...it’s like I can’t reach it.” 

That just-out-of-reach feeling itself was frustrating, but what made it even worse was not knowing how to make her friends understand. Why would they, if they’d never experienced something like this themselves? She gestured, struggling for words, “Like if you...took a ton of piano lessons as a kid, didn’t keep up with it, and tried years later to play piano.”

Yukio nodded sipping her water, “You might remember a few of the easy songs, but nothing fancy?”

Rhonda nodded and shrugged, “Yeah. Yeah, I guess that’s close enough.”

“So what I’m hearing,” Piotr teased with a gentle smile, “Is that perhaps we don’t have to worry about you frying all the wiring in the house?” At his wife’s sigh and snicker, Piotr clarified for the rest, “When we were young, this one would blow the circuits in half the house every time she got nervous.”

Glancing around the kitchen, Rhonda added, “I did get pretty good at fixing the wiring.”

Lunch was wrapping up and Ellie, Yukio, and Cable moved dishes to the kitchen. Wade playfully poked Rhonda’s arm, shoulder, and face. “Well, come on, show us what you got!”

Rhonda glanced at her husband, then back to Wade, swatting his hand away, "I dunno, um...there’s really not much to see yet." She shifted in her seat, folding her arms and pulling her hoodie tighter.

"Last time we saw you,” Wade gestured wildly, “you could do the human sparkler thing." He waited, and when she was still narrowing her eyes at him, he added, “PLEASE, what the fuck, COME ON, I just wanna do the Uncle Fester thing!”

“Who?” Ellie asked in disgust. 

Rhonda leveled a disbelieving sneer on Wade. “You want me to light a bulb in your mouth?”

Cable’s face fell. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” he murmured to himself.

Pointing at the steri-strips on her face, Rhonda said, “You realize that’s dangerous, right?”

Wade just laughed. And laughed and laughed.

Rhonda turned to her husband and shrugged. “It wouldn’t be the stupidest thing I’ve done.”

--

Piotr wasn’t happy about it, but they all went into the backyard to see if Rhonda could actually light a bulb held in Wade’s mouth.

Yukio was earnestly excited. With some electrical abilities herself, she liked finding new party tricks, even if this one seemed risky for her taste. Ellie started recording a video, not because she doubted Rhonda’s control, but anything involving Wade had potential to go hilariously wrong. 

Cable and Piotr wore matching exasperated frowns, both crossing their arms as they watched their respective partners. Leaning his head just a bit toward the Russian, Cable asked, “Any advice for how to rein him in when he’s a jackass like this?”

With a halfhearted shrug, Piotr said, “With her, sometimes I just have to wait until she falls asleep.”

“And?”

Piotr blinked and shook his head, “And then she is asleep. Wade is like that too, in my experience.”

Rhonda carefully considered between two light bulbs which she would use for Wade. The lower watt one was more likely to shatter if she accidentally hit it with too much power, but the higher watt bulb might be tougher to sustain a light.

“I want the big one!” Wade pointed, eyes and smile wide with glee.

Hoping it was the right choice, Rhonda handed the smaller bulb to Yukio. Wade looked directly into the camera on Ellie’s phone and made his best Christopher Lloyd impression, “My name is Fester! It means...to rot!” He was practically bouncing with excitement as he beckoned Rhonda, “Okay, okay, put it in me!”

“Wow,” she said simply as she set the fitting in his mouth. She backed away a few feet to get clear of Ellie’s shot, and focused. 

Rhonda could feel the electricity that was in the air and pulsed through everyone’s bodies. It pulsed and flowed through her, stronger than through other people. Carefully targeting the bulb in Wade’s mouth and nothing else, she sent a pulse. At first it flickered. For about ten seconds, flicker was all it did.

“All right, Wade,” Cable grumbled, “You had your fun--”

Wade indignantly waved him off. Rhonda was about to give up when she decided to push just a little harder. To her surprise, and everyone else’s, the light suddenly grew stable and bright.

Yukio clapped, Piotr beamed with pride, but Wade made an alarmed sound and dropped the bulb into his hands. Rhonda immediately dropped the pulse and reached for him to see if he was okay.

“My mouth started buzzing!” Wade yelled. “Fuck! That was--that was like doing a BUNCH of cocaine, and then eating pop rocks! Or sucking off a Tazer.”

Rhonda took back the bulb and chided, “We said it was a dumb idea.”

Wade’s voice came out smooth and sultry, “I didn’t say I wasn’t into it.”

Unsure what to say to that, Rhonda turned to head into the house. Behind her, she could hear Ellie’s quip, “Yeah, I’ll get some good memes out of this one.” Piotr caught up to Rhonda, with Yukio and Ellie behind him and Cable and Wade bringing up the rear. 

--

A trio of teenage boys were getting snacks in the kitchen when Rhonda and the rest came back in from the yard. A particularly chunky boy narrowed his eyes at Rhonda before pleasantly smiling in recognition. “Hey! Guestbook! I didn’t know you live here!”

Rhonda’s blood went cold and she froze. Piotr stopped short to avoid bumping into her. She recognized this kid as the one who had tried to pick fights and assert dominance over the same thugs she avoided at all costs.

“Russell!” Wade yelled excitedly from behind Ellie.

Russell, for his part, wasn’t particularly good at reading people, but he knew he’d said something wrong when the strange woman’s smile turned to a murderous glare. She crossed the room, not too fast, but certainly full of intent. She stopped slightly outside of arm’s reach.

“Sladkaya?” Piotr asked behind her.

She ignored her husband and looked Russell directly in the eye. In a low growl too quiet for anyone else to hear, she said, “My name. Is Rhonda Rasputin. And you do not call me by any other name.” Her dark eyes were hard like onyx as Russell swallowed, trying to look less afraid than he was.

Before he could answer, or apologize, Rhonda spun and headed for the hall, calling over her shoulder, “Yukio, I heard you wanted to play with some hair dye? Let’s go.” 

Elated, Yukio practically skipped after her, tugging Ellie behind her.

Piotr watched his wife stalk off, deciding he would have to see Wade and Cable out as soon as he could before he could ask her what that was all about.