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Time and time again, 

I find myself lost in reverie, 

Where I can love him 

Without guilt, without fear, 

Free from complexities. 

And he, in turn, loves me 

Just as I am meant to be.

- @babalobobo

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GOING OFFLINE

I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but here it is anyway.

For the past few days, I’ve been completely detached from social media (FB Meta, specifically) since I was sick, and my anxiety got triggered, among many other things.

Today, I logged onto my account to get some files and I got the chance to scroll through some posts… then I felt a pang and I can feel my mind going haywire again.

That’s when I realized that I deactivated (and went into isolation) to keep my sanity.

Those who are very close to me know that I’m experiencing some personal issues, especially with my mental health. (Side note: I am not diagnosed and not seeing a professional, yet.) I’m dealing with my 'demons', resurfaced traumas, and other stuff; reconciling with my emotions and letting myself feel instead of overanalyzing and blaming myself in the end. The strong façade cannot cope anymore.

Maybe because I’m so used to life’s hustle and bustle that it felt like I needed to always be in a rush; to put myself even in the tiniest, peculiar space I know I cannot fit; to not rest, or feel, or be human at all.

Being online became unhealthy for me either. My mind got filled with negatives—it made me compare myself to others and feel bad for not being included even when there’s a big ‘you cannot sit with us’ sign hiding in plain sight.

Going offline made me realize that I needed to step back to protect my peace and safeguard my mental health. I needed to focus on myself and my own journey without feeling left behind or being filled with what ifs.

I know social media is just one aspect to consider, and there are more to the story that meets the eye, but I believe I’m going through this to be able to rest and heal from the things that hurt me and caused me pain and to be able to feel alive again with the help of God’s grace and mercy—ONE STEP AT A TIME.

No, I’m not going to remove myself completely from the digital scene but yes, you will see less of me. If there’s really a need, there are tons of ways you can contact me.

Again, I don’t need to explain myself to anyone but if you happen to read this, please try to understand.

In all these, I still praise the Lord for the gift of life.

PS. BIG SHOUTOUT TO MY CONSTANTS!!! I'm always grateful to the Lord for having you guys in my life. Thank you for being there for me and for going through the storms with me. I love you guys!

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- James Baldwin

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I never even thought I'd be left traumatized by what happened Even when, in the first place, I was the one who clearly laid down my intention and stood my ground Eventually I realized you never really tried to break my walls, or reach out from the ocean of my core It was me who willingly swam to the shore; who lowered my carefully built walls All the while, I was losing more than what I could imagine And I didn't realized I ended up hurting myself and losing me all over again because of you You whom I thought wouldn't make such action. You whom I thought would last.

| JD

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A little sign on a starry night!

Chibird store | Positive pin club | Instagram

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“Being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t scared. Being brave means you are scared, really scared, badly scared, and you do the right thing anyway.”

— Neil Gaiman

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It’s really tough, but sometimes you still gotta move forward, even when you’re sad. 

My drawing tablet completely broke a few days before my calendar deadline, coming in after a week of stress with my payments processor, so it hasn’t been the best time for me. But I gotta keep going- working on my calendar the best I can on my iPad, paying extra fees, and setting up the holiday sale. I just have to make it through!

Chibird store | Positive pin club | Webtoon

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It's the time of the year when the world tends to be too much to bear and people around you seems to focus on themselves instead of letting you know that they understand--to demand rather than give pause and utmost understanding.

I'm disappointed at myself. I'm pressured. I'm hurt... I'm tired of feeling all of these at once kasi nakaka-drain.

Sana lang maintindihan niyo rin ako. Kung hindi man, 'wag niyo na sanang iparamdam sa akin yung mga pagkukulang ko kasi ginagawa ko naman lahat sa abot ng makakaya ko... pero hindi ko na rin kaya. Pagod na ko.

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This was what breaking down looked like.

Outside, She was still the 'oh-so-happy' young lady everyone knew. That young girl always brimming with hope, eyes glittering to every opportunity she's excited to seize.

She smiles a lot, talks a lot; functions like a normal being.

To them, she was... okay. She looked okay.

But the inside was a different story.

She wasn't herself. Her demons have gotten the best of her.

Most of the time, she'd stare out the window and take in the beauty of nature while she contemplate about life.

She'd always thought about the present and the uncertain future, reflecting about who she was, she is, and is about to become.

At times, she just lie on the bed and try to silence the darkness with tears. Eventually, she'd grown tired of crying herself to sleep.

A million times, she'd convinced herself to "just keep swimming." Yet the tides were too high, she was drowning.

She'd thought of meeting death itself. And it scared her so much that it hurt.

Life is unfair, it's true. And 2021 really took a toll on everything.

But this is not enough to kill the life out of her.

She's strong; she might fall all the time but she'll rise over and over again.

There is hope. There is healing.

It'll come to pass. —JD

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