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Ending 2024 with gratitude

Picking up from my reflection on 2023, this year was a year of rediscovery.

Since what happened last year opened the already healed and the unresolved traumas I didn’t even know I had, I had to rediscover myself.

It’s funny because when I think I’ve already made progress, there will be something or someone to trigger me and I will crumble again… Back to square one.

“Sometimes, it seems easier to deny my pain than to do the hard work to deal with it and heal what’s really there.” C.S. Lewis said this, and it's a hard pill for me to swallow because I know what needs to be done, but I can’t do it... at least not yet.

Lysa Terkeurst said in her book, “When your heart has been shattered and reshaped into something that doesn’t quite feel normal inside your own chest yet, forgiveness feels a bit unrealistic.” I couldn't agree more. There’s a lot of push-and-pull involved—a lot of self-blame, denying, convincing and proving myself, of just forgetting and letting things be, of forgiving myself and the others. There’s a lot of spiraling down, giving up and staying at the pit, and then climbing up again.

But you see, that’s the beauty of healing. It doesn’t come in an instant; it is a process that only the Lord knows how really. And for it to be guaranteed, it needs our full commitment in order to progress and reconnect with ourselves, to piece together fragments of our identity in a way that feels truer and more whole. And it is something that we cannot do on our own. It is only through the grace of God that it is possible.

I can say, by God’s amazing grace, I’m able to have progress from that of last year. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments (like, a lot of it). I still get triggered because I care—so much that it hurts. But I’m taking the necessary steps to protect myself and my peace, for my health and well-being. It may take longer for me to completely heal but I know God is with me. In all the highs and despite the lows, God is faithful. His love never fails.

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” – Lamentations 3:21-23

Over and above that, I want to cap this year full of gratitude to the Lord for the things I didn’t even realize I will be able to experience.

First, I am grateful to have celebrated with the love of my life our first anniversary as a couple. It may not be much, but it’s something I cherish the most and something that I continue to praise and thank God for. And I look forward to all the memories we will continue to make together in the years to come.

Second, I am grateful to have traveled to Germany even just for work. Never had I imagined I would be able to go to Europe in my life. I remember crying on the 9-hour flight to Doha because I was so scared, and I was overwhelmed by the foreign territory I was about to meet in a few hours. At the same time, I was crying because I could not believe it was happening. I felt surreal. But my God was there to carry me day by day. And He got us covered. We were also blessed during our trip because despite our hectic schedule, we could visit nearby sites, and He brought us people who accompanied us during those little side trips. I’m hopeful for more opportunities like this in the future (minus the work and hectic 😅).

Finally, I am grateful to have turned five years as a public servant and for the opportunity to represent my organization and my country for a month-long JICA training program. This made me appreciate even more being a Filipino, the Philippines, and its progress as a nation in spite of it all (if you know what I mean).

This experience also ticked off many points on my bucket list: it was the first time I went abroad all by myself, the first time I was away from home for a long time, the first time living alone, first time studying abroad or living abroad for a long period.

More importantly, I’m grateful for all the little things—the food on the table, the finances, the strength day-by-day, the good health, the genuine relationships created and maintained—all the blessings God poured into my life so that I may be able to share these blessings with others. God is good! His steadfast love endures forever!" (Psalm 107:1)

And because of that, I’m looking forward to welcoming the new year with renewed hope knowing that God will be with me through it all. #

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A reflection on the year that was…

Honestly, I still don’t know what to put in here but I will just make a concise summary of that year. Surely, it was pivotal in many ways. Especially since it was a year of making a decision that I stood by.

Yes, you read it correctly. It felt like for the first time in my life, I decided for myself. A decision that I will stand by with no matter what.

I think this is something new for me, coming from a very strict household. At the same time, being 'stereotyped' all my life made me realize that maybe what these people were saying already became who I am. I got fed up… and I thought all this time, maybe I don’t even know who I really am.

After years of waiting for nothing, of being treated like a “catch basin”, like I’m too much for everyone and not worthy to be loved and cared for, I said yes to the man who made me safe, who made sure I know I’m enough and I’m not alone. And by far, it’s one of the best decisions I made. ♥

But while I was traversing in the bliss it gave me, the demons lurking in the shadows found a way to attack.

2023 was also a year of facing resurfaced and unknown traumas.

Hearing repeatedly from people how I have so many problems that need 'fixing' which resulted to me not allowed to sit at the table because I’m a ‘shame’ or ‘unpalatable’ were unacceptable. I was ditched out just because I wasn’t the woman they’ve perceived me to be—I failed to meet their idea of me, so they just threw me out. It’s so unfair.

It opened wounds that were already healed for a long time. What’s worse is that not only were these unleashed but also traumas I didn’t even know I had. It was like a pandora box that was unexpectedly opened and released all the demons it hid over the years. And there I was, bleeding and reeling from pain, isolated, not able to trust anyone as I raised my demolished walls back higher than ever.

To top everything, the on and off trip to the hospital due to PCOS, the tests, daily medications, vaccines, and other health-related concerns made it worse.

While I managed to put my brave face, it hurt so much.

It hurt so much that I had to retrace my steps and figure out what happened, which snapped, where and why I was triggered. I became fragmented and confused...

In spite of it all, THERE’S GOD and I wouldn’t have done it without Him. He was the light shining on me from the pit. His grace helped me go through every single day. He placed people in my life to check on me, to love me, to remind me of who I am and journey with me.

PS. If you experienced the same as I am, please don’t self-diagnose. If you have the courage (and finances), go get a psych consultation. ALSO, surround yourself with your support/core group. Trust me, they give the best 'free' therapy sessions.

I would say there have been significant progress since last year and I praise and thank God for that. Had I made my reflection last year, it would be nothing but bitterness.

And I think I will need more years to even move past it completely. But now I say I can move forward from everything that happened. No more looking back.

Here’s to (finally) saying goodbye to you, 2023.

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Time and time again, 

I find myself lost in reverie, 

Where I can love him 

Without guilt, without fear, 

Free from complexities. 

And he, in turn, loves me 

Just as I am meant to be.

- @babalobobo

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GOING OFFLINE

I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but here it is anyway.

For the past few days, I’ve been completely detached from social media (FB Meta, specifically) since I was sick, and my anxiety got triggered, among many other things.

Today, I logged onto my account to get some files and I got the chance to scroll through some posts… then I felt a pang and I can feel my mind going haywire again.

That’s when I realized that I deactivated (and went into isolation) to keep my sanity.

Those who are very close to me know that I’m experiencing some personal issues, especially with my mental health. (Side note: I am not diagnosed and not seeing a professional, yet.) I’m dealing with my 'demons', resurfaced traumas, and other stuff; reconciling with my emotions and letting myself feel instead of overanalyzing and blaming myself in the end. The strong façade cannot cope anymore.

Maybe because I’m so used to life’s hustle and bustle that it felt like I needed to always be in a rush; to put myself even in the tiniest, peculiar space I know I cannot fit; to not rest, or feel, or be human at all.

Being online became unhealthy for me either. My mind got filled with negatives—it made me compare myself to others and feel bad for not being included even when there’s a big ‘you cannot sit with us’ sign hiding in plain sight.

Going offline made me realize that I needed to step back to protect my peace and safeguard my mental health. I needed to focus on myself and my own journey without feeling left behind or being filled with what ifs.

I know social media is just one aspect to consider, and there are more to the story that meets the eye, but I believe I’m going through this to be able to rest and heal from the things that hurt me and caused me pain and to be able to feel alive again with the help of God’s grace and mercy—ONE STEP AT A TIME.

No, I’m not going to remove myself completely from the digital scene but yes, you will see less of me. If there’s really a need, there are tons of ways you can contact me.

Again, I don’t need to explain myself to anyone but if you happen to read this, please try to understand.

In all these, I still praise the Lord for the gift of life.

PS. BIG SHOUTOUT TO MY CONSTANTS!!! I'm always grateful to the Lord for having you guys in my life. Thank you for being there for me and for going through the storms with me. I love you guys!

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- James Baldwin

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I never even thought I'd be left traumatized by what happened Even when, in the first place, I was the one who clearly laid down my intention and stood my ground Eventually I realized you never really tried to break my walls, or reach out from the ocean of my core It was me who willingly swam to the shore; who lowered my carefully built walls All the while, I was losing more than what I could imagine And I didn't realized I ended up hurting myself and losing me all over again because of you You whom I thought wouldn't make such action. You whom I thought would last.

| JD

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A little sign on a starry night!

Chibird store | Positive pin club | Instagram

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“Being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t scared. Being brave means you are scared, really scared, badly scared, and you do the right thing anyway.”

— Neil Gaiman

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It’s really tough, but sometimes you still gotta move forward, even when you’re sad. 

My drawing tablet completely broke a few days before my calendar deadline, coming in after a week of stress with my payments processor, so it hasn’t been the best time for me. But I gotta keep going- working on my calendar the best I can on my iPad, paying extra fees, and setting up the holiday sale. I just have to make it through!

Chibird store | Positive pin club | Webtoon

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