#every time i'd ask my allo friends what it's like to be sexually attracted to someone they'd be like it's like [xyz]

[litriu]

My experience of discovering i'm demisexual at age 25

edit: for context, I identified as strictly asexual until earlier this year!

[our-aroace-experience]

ok so here's my ace/arospec story

ace:

i learned about being ace

oh i don't know

12 years old maybe

i searched it up after reading about it online

"aroace definition"

it went something like

"being both aromantic and asexual"

i searched up

"aromantic"

"asexual"

at first i thought it was a bit strange

i hadn't learned yet

to distinguish

between romantic attraction and sexual attraction

because i didn't know

people actually wanted sex

people actually saw someone and went

"wow"

"i want to fuck them"

i had a crush on a childhood friend of mine

at the time

(a guy. i am a girl.)

i'd always assumed i was cishet

grew up in a conservative christian household

slightly offtopic but honestly my parents were great

not stereotypical conservative christians

both allies

they had friends who were trans and gay

i'd checked out queer media from the library

and they were fine with it

anyway

back to the story

so since i had a crush on the opposite gender

i assumed ofc

i was cishet

well ofc i wasn't into sex, i was just a kid

but at age 13

almost 14

i was alone

in a hotel room, no parents, on instagram

that's the only time i could get that

late night phone time

when i didn't have parents around

i found @i.put.the.ace.in.disgrace on instagram

scrolled through every fucking post

on their account

and on the #asexual tag

i related to those posts

like

a lot

a suspicious amount for someone supposedly allo

even though i was just a kid

yeah maybe i'd grow into it

maybe i'd feel attraction one day

but not now

and who the hell was going to tell me

what i could or couldn't identify as

so i tried out the ace label

spent hours and hours

wondering if it was right

if i was really ace

if i wasn't too young

but going back to being allo felt wrong

so i decided to keep the label

the first person i came out to

was an online friend

they were so amazing and supportive of it

i love them so much for that

they said i'd been on their gaydar for a while

(a message i still think about

when wondering if i'm really ace)

felt sick the next day

i'd always been an ally

supported my queer friends

arospec aspec trans homosexual i supported them all

but it made me sick

to think about me

myself

being queer

it was sort of rough

but i got through it

later

came out to my friend and her mom

they were cool about it

i knew i'd be safe

they weren't ecstatic or super happy

but they accepted me

"cool"

that's what they said i remember it

i was a hot mess that day too

stuttered over all my words when trying to come out

and they still accepted me

i love them

later

i decided to hint at my identity to my mom

talked about not liking sex

i checked out a few ace books

from the library

my mom took me aside

i don't remember her exact words

it went something like

"it's natural to be curious

but you can't be ace at 14

you're not trying to be

are you?"

ofc

i managed to convince her i was allo

had to be more careful then

arospec:

i'd only had one crush.

one crush who i'd liked as a friend first.

you see where this is going, don't you?

well

i didn't

i'd heard that aces had not very many crushes

so i assumed i was just Really Really Asexual

and i couldn't be aro hahahaha

i'd been in love before!

aros cannot be in love!

oh by golly i was wrong

i started questioning

(only one crush?

my friends are all over their crushes

plural

and i've only had one??

maybe i'm not as allo as i thought)

i debated over gray-aro and demi-aro

picked demi

it described my experience more accurately

came out to aforementioned friend

then aforementioned online friend

they were chill about it

(fucking love them)

then i 3d printed a black ring

and a white ring

ace

and aro

and this is maybe the best part of the whole experience

i had friends who were stereotypical conservative christian

queerphobic

they complimented my aro and ace rings

and so did my mom

and that made me really happy for some reason

shit that was a long ask im sorry

thank you for sharing! i hope your mum comes around to you being aroace one day

also side note: this reads like a poem it’s so well written!

[that-disabled-princess]

Hey uhm... if you don't mind, I have a question for you. I saw in one of your recent posts that you're a fellow non-SAM aromantic. Are you out to anyone irl as aro? If so, how did you explain the whole labeling your "sexuality" (as in, general orientation) without actually labeling your sexuality? Because I kinda wanna come out to my best friend as aromantic and I'm not sure how to do it. I have thought about coming out as aroace (as my experiences are a lot closer to ace than allo) but I'm not really comfortable with the ace label as I simply don't know if it's really accurate. Plus, I'm afraid my friend would miss that I'm aro and just call me ace whenever the topic of orientation comes up (without any bad intentions but still). But I also don't want my friend to assume I'm sexually interested in people.

Do you have any advice, perchance?

(Unrelated to that, I'm happy I found another physically disabled non-SAM aro on here)

Hi! Sorry it took me a minute to answer this, I wanted to give this ask a thoughtful answer.

I am out to irl people as aro. My best friend and my immediate family are the only ones I'm really out out to, though. I don't tend to take the time to explain it unless I actually need to because... you're right. It is so, extremely difficult explaining what being aspec means and all the little nuances of the a-spectrum.

I don't think I ever properly came out to my family either until this year. Just... made some aro jokes and let them assume whatever they wanted. I stopped coming out with every new update a couple years ago. My family is supportive and accepting, and our mom doesn't pressure us into any sort of relationship or anything like that.

Clarification: When I say "family" here, I mean my immediate family only. We're not even gonna touch my extended family.

Now, I did identify as aroace for a bit before realizing I wasn't exactly asexual. But my aromanticism has always been a bigger part of my identity, so as far as I can remember, dropping the asexual label wasn't a huge deal to anyone.

At the beginning of January, though, I did try to explain the concept of being aro without being ace to my family. Since my sibling is aroace, I'm not sure they (my sibling) really got it, but they did accept it. I explained that sexual and romantic attraction are two different things, and that you can feel one without feeling the other. We were running an errand, so it was a bit of a... rushed explanation.

If I'd had more time to explain the differences, though, these would've been some of the examples I used:

First off, one-night stands are a thing. You don't have to be romantically attracted to someone to be sexually attracted to them or to have sex.

You can also have a crush on someone without wanting to bang them.

Therefore, sexual and romantic attraction can be felt separately and are two different things, and alloaces and aroallos and non-SAM aces and aros are valid.

As for your concern about others assuming you're sexually interested in people: for me personally--and I've seen other non-SAM aros talk about this--my aromanticism affects the way I experience sexual attraction. I experience sexual attraction, but not Like Allos Do. My romantic orientation is aro, and my bisexuality is also aro. In a way, it is much closer to the asexual experience, only none of the acespec labels feel right. I don't know what being non-SAM aro is like for you, though, but it sounds like your experiences might be similar, so maybe this explanation can help?

And as for coming out as something you're not... The want to do that really is something, huh?

I'd say it's better to be honest if you're in a safe enough place to do so. (And this is coming from someone who originally came out as a lesbian due to internalized biphobia.) Be honest with your friend and be kind to yourself. Let your friend know that you're still working through some stuff and still figuring things out. If they're a good friend, they'll understand that.

I hope this is helpful and that everything goes/went well, love 💚💚

[aroaceconfessions]

So ahhhh

I'm aspec

I broke up with my allo partner of about 10 months

I hate how relieved I feel

I was lying about my feelings for him cause he couldn't except that what I felt wasn't what he could understand so I just said that I love him romantically and I think I've told him I find him sexually attractive

I don't love him like that, not in a way I actually recognize it as anyway and the whole sexually attracted thing was a lie

My friend, that honestly I adore more than I did him but i actually expressed with him, told me I was acting like a lovesick doll

And I was, I was a little Marionette doll for him and that hurt both of us

This entire experience was something I want to look back on fondly as it was the most free I felt from my cage but it was also one of most loneliest cause I noticed I felt lonely

We agreed we'd stay friends and I don't want to lose him or our mutual friends

I don't want to lose our mutual friend more than I don't want to lose him tho

I was friends with this mutual before we dated and because I was that he saw me as someone he wanted to date

I'm lost on how I'm supposed to live now we broke up cause I was basing my future on him being my partner

I'm terrified of being alone which is probably why I agreed to date him even tho it wasn't very alright with me

I was scared if I told him I didn't want to and was more forceful in saying no I'd be lonely

I can't imagine my life past a few more yrs time

And anything I do want to do with my life I can't until I'm way older and if I was to be with him that would have meant I'd be even longer before I could

He was taking the blame for the break up cause he needs someone perfect

I am no where near what he needs in a partner

We both knew this

I need someone who can keep me stable and he needs the same but we can be that for each other

I've tried and it isn't enough

I wasn't enough in any way

We're incompatible and I knew that the entire time but just didn't want to let go

And he couldn't either

We both have mental health issues

Every one around us was telling us to break up

It was a peaceful one on our own terms

He's my one and only shot at relationships like that

So many people had issues with how I wasn't telling him off for stuff that they thought was wrong like how I was 'letting' him talk to an ex of his or how he missed this other ex

Like yea that 2nd one hurt a bit and sent me spiralling the 1st time it was brought up

But I don't understand how people can go around policing other people's relationships like that

I was asked so many times how I was okay with letting him do shit with other people

Like what does that have to do with me???

He has friends and god I hate that mentality

It was stressing me out so fucking much that I was the only thing that made him happy - he'd say that to me

Like yea I understand why you're like that

But bloody hell why were other people so

Aghhh

Pushy with how they want us to act when you're 'together' with someone

I wouldn't put it past us to get back together

That really wouldn't be the best for either of us tho

[faithfromanewperspective]

today's mood: a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you. demisexual/demiromantic diaries

i've heard the best way to figure out your sexuality and stuff is to just ask yourself what you want in life. and honestly, for me, that's more tied to my neurobiology than anything else and I finally, thank God, think I've got that figured out to a manageable point. and i hear stories of people who've figured out from the youngest age what they want. i'll never be with a man or i'll never be with a woman or i'll never be with anyone. but i thought i was allo for the longest time. and there are people i'm attracted to, yes, i'm attracted to a range of people and a range of genders but more and more as I'm older this attraction never gets a chance to grow and develop into something actually tangible. I remember when it didn't have to grow. when I was so new to the world and unharmed by it that I thought anyone at all could understand me and I'd never feel scared around them. and I remember the attraction when it'd come it'd come fast and I'd be head over heels and get flustered and it would be awkward and it would be fun. now all i feel is fondness and i just long for that soul connection.

because when i was young it would go from zero to however close to a hundred it would get, i guess, and i'd weigh it up, how much do i like them, would it really last long enough to act on it or will i tire of this person? and most the time it's be okay they're cool for the first little while but. it's not enough to keep me intrigued, if i think about it, and i would move on, move schools or get a new crush, no regrets. but then one time it just went to a hundred and kept going and it was like the song everything has changed, it felt like that every single day. and sometimes i'd notice someone else and like them for a bit too, but those secondary crushes would whittle away quite quickly and then they'd eventually stop coming. in the same way at least. i got lured in by cuteness and kindness and a relatability that hit something I didn't even know existed then, I just remember at 12 thinking 'i could marry this person'. that was over a decade ago now. then I learned you can care about someone so much that your chest hurts and you can read all their feelings and feel them as your own. I've done that subsequently with other people too, but it's always been platonic. ever since. and i ran from those feelings like the little escapist I am. I was always good at running. maybe you can get jinxed by the sport you train in and the double meanings of words.

and it's been interesting to watch it play out over the last decade or so, how little 12yo me was onto something. I didn't even know what I wanted to do with my life. didn't know what urban design was or how it could fill the longing to have an impact with my life while be creative and use things like science and communication as well. didn't know how when I did i'd always have this longing in the back of my mind, I could see myself with another urban designer, who went into it for the same reasons I did, saving the world together through streetscapes is the most romantic and sexy thing i can think of. i didn't know that i'd see this embodied right in front of me, we'd grow up forever rooted in the cultish community of our high school days even when both of us always wanted more in life and went wherever we would get it. but at the time I was so far in denial because that never happens does it?? i'd tell myself not to be so dramatic about a high school crush. and i'm not sure if i'll regret it forever or I'll thank my own stupidity for being the thing that prevented building something that would end up blowing up in both of our faces.

and i have liked other people since. it's strange and kind of sad to think about, how i'll have a lovely friend and be like i could see us go through all of these stages slowly, fall in love slowly, get to know each other and care even more and maybe i'll give it a go. if it weren't for the whole urban design thing maybe i would've by now. if i didn't feel like I have this divine purpose that everything else is secondary to; I can do it, I know I can, maybe I will. but when I do I'll always remember how it felt. what i can't describe as anything else but starlight flowing through my veins and enabling me to do things that I generally can't; executive function and packed schedules and not being too anxious to sleep all the time and derailing it, I was still packed with nerves but I felt like I was floating and I could genuinely do anything I put my mind too on top of everything else I was told and it wasn't an irritable, desperate kind of hypomania (that i've since experienced) either; i genuinely felt so light apart from the crushing moments that felt like rejection but even then--there as this amazing creative mind right next to me and it kind of had me just get going, get creating, go for runs to burn off the rest of the energy and I did that yesterday for the first time since because I was remembering, I was hoping for this again. and i have a life i've built with friends around me I have a persona for but every time I travel alone to a new city I think of this.

and i wonder, is it ever fair to invite anyone new into this? at least, until I get some sort of closure, some sort of answer to this energy I've felt for over a decade and the vibes i can read from something as simple as the smallest snippet of behaviour on social media? I can fall in love again, I know I can, I know it'll be deliberate and adult but it does feel nice, I've felt the start of it with someone new but it's slow this time, and is it even worth trying it when I remember all this and I will every time I design a city with love for its people and land that bring a creativity to solve their problems; I'm not kidding when I say it'll impact how productive I can be when I've felt this lasting high before and I've dosed myself up on more dexamphetamine than my body can handle for long. i've met all the criteria for hypomania. and nothing compares to when my brain just goes stupid over some guy who can draw. all of a sudden i can face anything and there isn't a problem I can't solve. and now i don't know what attraction is aside from that. It can come, I know it can, but it's high time I also stop running. take a chance on something I had long told myself religious trauma and forced academic competition had taken away from me. because i'm okay if it doesn't work out, but having just half of this energy, feeling someone else's energy so strongly--it's the curiosity, almost, that kills me more than anything else. the unexpressed love. i tell myself that when I get it out I'll be free to love someone else but I think it's self-regenerating, every time i do something that slightly reminds me. my heart is big enough for more. but maybe it's more effective if I let it channel what it's wanted to do since I was 12?

[youareallowedchips]

sexuality/gender headcanons about the sherlock gang

18+ (not really nsfw) content under the cut ♡

post author is bi & nonbinary! these are just my own personal hcs that i keep in mind when i write fic, it's 100% fine if you don't agree c:

sherlock holmes

homosexual, grey-aromantic transmasculine.

sherlock, despite public perceptions, has an absolutely average sex drive, but had never really felt romantic attraction in his life until he met john, and he can't imagine falling in love with anyone else. he spent a fair bit of time on hookup apps prior to meeting john. sherlock is KINKY.

he's known he felt more aligned with masculinity since he was very small, but never felt the need to go on hormones or have surgery, because he finds society's expectations of trans people restrictive and doesn't want surgical recovery to slow him down. he binds (sometimes unsafely, much to john's annoyance), and it does wonders for his dysphoria.

john watson

allo, bi cis man.

dating sherlock from the great game until the fall, and after mary's death. john's romantic attraction STRONGLY leans towards women and femmes, but sherlock is The One for him. he had a purely physical relationship with sholto when he was still in the army.

john's sex drive is actually super high.

mycroft holmes

allo, gay cis man

a lot of people assume mycroft is aro/ace, because he never seems to get himself involved with anyone. mycroft is married to his work, in the truest sense of the word, and simply doesn't have time for sex or relationships.

mycroft is in a bonded pair with his right hand.

greg lestrade

allo, straight cis man. (token cishet white man!)

dating molly, unofficially just after aSiB, officially asked her out in tSoT, when they were tipsy at john & mary's wedding. greg is super comfortable with his sexuality/masculinity and he's experimented plenty. before john & sherlock got together, he kissed john in the pub once, just to see if he'd like it. he had a fling with a bloke in police academy when he was young, but decided in the end that dudes weren't for him. he appreciates beauty in all genders, and isn't afraid to point out an aesthetically pleasing man. he's also VERY much an ally, most of his friends (and his girlfriend,, uwu) are queer. he fiercly protects his queer friends and coworkers.

greg is an absolute HORNDOG. filthy filthy filthy. he'd be doin' it every day if it was up to him. he's a pleasure/service dom and

molly hooper

demisexual, bi, cis woman.

dating greg. is pretty much split 50/50 in her attraction, maybe with a slight lean towards men. even though she's shy, her sexuality is one of the few things she's open and proud about.

mary morstan

haven't really thought about it much, but if there was a gun to my head, i'd say shes a bi cis woman?

mary doesn't like to label anything about herself, much less her sexuality. she goes with the flow.

(i don't think about her much bc i don't like her, also amanda abbington is an unspeakable terf)

irene adler

allo, lesbian cis woman.

irene didn't come out until her late 20s, struggled with A LOT of comphet, explaining what she thought was an "attraction" to sherlock. they're seriously just bros now, though.

irene actually couldnt really care less one way or another about how often she has sex, but she knows she's good at it and can use it to make money.

sally donovan

allo, bi trans woman

sally is t4t, and dating anderson. she lives stealth, almost nobody knows other than

philip anderson

allo, straight trans man

dating sally. anderson is quite insecure in his trans identity and used to be truscum, explaining the animosity between him and sherlock. he blamed himself a lot after the fall, and took a long hard look at himself and his politics, helped along by a kick up the arse from sally.

[thegreatlibraryfangirl]

1, 3, 5 and 7 for the arospec asks? :)

when did you realize you were arospec?

First half of 2021! Exactly when escapes me. I have a feeling it's on my main blog somewhere, and fuck searching THAT. You can see proof on this blog of the vague time here lol.

Storytime that you didn't ask for: this was after a very weird lockdown relationship with a girl who was apparently extremely into me. We had like, 5 dates or something, and then she ghosted because of mental health difficulties. And, while of course even allo people date people that they don't click with, it just crystallised the realisation that dating has NEVER ever worked for me, and that I always envisioned being friends with someone first. Even my teenage possible-crushes were always on friends. And I'd never fallen in love (then). And yeah idk, I just sat there and went, ok I think this might actually deserve a label. And then I fell in love with my best friend (bad idea) and I was like OH. YEAH. THIS IS NEW. Which helped solidify that I'd never fallen in love before.

3. do you go by strictly aromantic or fall under one of the arospec umbrella labels?

I generally go by demi or arospec! See here for more rambling about that on the other ask.

5. are you partnering or non partnering?

every day there is new terminology oh my goddd. This was hard to google, dammit. I think I'm probably partnering, I just have no hope or belief that it can ever happen for me lol.

7. do you experience any forms of attraction? i.e., romantic, platonic, aesthetic, sensual, sexual, etc.

Romantic to my best friend (fml, no I will not shut up about this tonight apparently). Sexual attraction, absolutely!! (Nobody ask me about the aegosexual component to that or we'll be here ALL NIGHT). All the tertiary ones, yesssss. And also one that I've never been able to make it sound Sane enough to put into a label. Let's try.

Ok, it's like, so, imagine you made a new friend, and they were VERY COOL. So much cooler than you could ever be. And also you were not their best friend/most favourite friend in the group. It's like an obsessive desire to become that person's MOST IMPORTANT PERSON.

ahahaha can you tell i had fucked up friendship situations from the formative ages of 7 - 18, ahahahahahaha. ha.

also I would like to point out that I, to my knowledge, and I've asked people!, have never been visibly weird about this. Thank fuck.

But yeah, that. I don't know to what degree it counts as, some weird type of possessive/admiration/envy/seeking approval platonic attention thing, but it's regularly a feature of my life and in certain friendship groups can motivate all my interactions if I don't ignore myself.

Welp, that's more than anyone ever wanted to know about me. Night, all!

[potatopossums]

there's a regular who shows up to my workplace every few weeks. I've found her aesthetically (and maybe a little bit sexually) attractive for a while now, but she doesn't come in super often, so i don't really know her that well and only had a conversation with her for the first time like 2 weeks ago.

i was interested in getting to know her better, so i thought it might be ok to ask if she would like to bring some friends and meet up w me and my friends at a local art fair.

i don't know if it's the late night anxiety talking or what, but i just don't want anything to do with the situation anymore. i feel overwhelmed and unsure. i tried to talk about the idea with a coworker and she was confused about why i didn't want to go on a one-on-one date with her. because i hardly know her. but that's how you can get to know people! but that's not how i get to know people. i know I'd just feel really uncomfortable on a date like that. that would be so much pressure.

and now i feel like nobody is going to want to get to know me as a friend and also be open to sexuality and sensuality if I'm not also interested in romance and it makes me feel too nervous to even think about the whole thing.

for once i just want to be excited about people. maybe have a chance to get to know them on my terms, at my pace, at my comfort. i don't want to go on a date, i don't want to insinuate a date.

told my therapist i was nervous about coming off as romantic, and i don't think she fully understands this. she said there's no way to know whether this girl would say yes or no. that wasn't really my issue, though. sure, i know i can't control how other people respond or react to me, meaning i can't control if they misunderstand my intentions. but it also kind of glosses over the fact that I'm afraid of even insinuating romantic shit.

the only reason I'd even want to insinuate any of that is because i just want to be noticed and appreciated. i want people to feel like friendship can be just as exciting and important as romance. i don't want my request of friendship to be considered "less than" or "disappointing" or "friend-zoning myself." i do not consider my desires and comfort flawed or "not strong enough," or even rooted in fear. i am so confused and speechless and unable to articulate myself when I try to talk to allos about this. i know people mean well, even my coworkers (i do not blame them for misunderstanding), but it is problematic how absolutely dumbfounding it is to many allos that you wouldn't want to go on a date with someone or be alone with someone you hardly know. such a situation would actually scare me; i would not be entertaining or engaging; i would not have anything to say, and it has nothing to do with me being afraid to talk about myself or ask for what i want. i only want to spend time with people my way, meaning "in a way that's comfortable for me," and i know what that looks like for me. i know what that process is for me. i know how long that takes for me. i can't ask her to hang out with me outside of work because i do not know her and i don't want to hang out with someone i don't know. that makes me so nervous and so uncomfortable, i don't care who they are or what kind of attraction i might have toward them. no thanks.

so yeah idk. when she asks what i do for a living, I'll be sure to impress her by telling her i write about the toxicity and ridiculousness of romance. because that's really what this all feels like.

[thefrogswhospoke]

how I realized I was aro/ace, not bi or pan:

today I got asked what made me realize I was aro/ace and I kinda want to share a list of things that over time made me realize "hey wait, that's not very allo of me" just in case someone needs to hear it (also if this doesn't help I'm sorry but I am here to talk if you need <3):

I could never stand romance in media. People kissing on screen? gross, icky, not for me. And I've been that way ever since I was little, I always looked away from the screen when the princess would finally kiss the prince, or when make-out scenes happened. I'm still squeamish when it comes to outright sex scenes in movies but I can sort of stand the occasional brief peck or cheek smooch.

I didn't fully understand when people would describe sexual attraction. Sure, I understood that people *felt* sexual attraction but I realized I couldn't relate personally to how it felt. Like if someone described the taste of a food to you that you've never eaten, you'd understand what it's *supposed* to taste like but you wouldn't really know.

I couldn't realistically picture myself in a full, romantic/sexual relationship. I imagined having a house on a lake with a husband or maybe even a wife and possibly one or two kids, but when I really thought about it, I realized I just wouldn't be happy. It just wasn't what I wanted and it made me start thinking about everything else.

Every time I would describe my ideal partner, I'd end up describing a bestfriend. This ones is pretty closely tied to the previous one but I digress. I would say all the traits my current bestfriend has and when someone would question "yeah, but what about 'in-bed' and on dates?" and I would blank. Romantic dates? SEX?? I hadn't even thought of it, and when I tried, I couldn't think of anything I'd enjoy.

I wanted everything platonic. Marriage? Platonic. I'm not kissing anybody at my wedding, hell, I'd probably only get married for tax reasons. Dates? Platonic. If I'm dropping $80 on a fancy steak I spending it on me and my bestie while we look damn fine. Cuddling? Platonic. Mostly because me and my friends are touch starved little goblins with mommy issues but still.

Hope this helped anyone, and even if it didn't, thanks for listening :)

[rjalker]

How did you figure out you were aro-ace? (I'm sorry if this is an invasive question.)

Oh no it's fine!

I've known literally since I can remember that I didn't like boys and I didn't like girls. Just completely disinterested in both of them. Other girls would point at a boy and squee, "isn't he soooo cuute???" And I'd just be like,,,, "uhh....sure?" Because I didn't want to be rude, but I also did not see what they were talking about.

Like, I've never gotten a crush on anyone, I've never wanted to kiss or hold hands or date or GODS FORBID do anything else. In general I just don't like other people touching me/touching other people (I don't even like hugging my grandparents) so I just never...wanted to do any of that stuff? Or understood the appeal.

Like, I don't even like sitting too close to people on a couch or something. I have a very big personal space bubble.

So ice never been attracted to people (and to be absolutely 100% honest I don't even understand sexual attraction AT ALL. Like every now and then I'll think I have it figured out but then an allo will say something and in like. Welp. That flew out the window) and I've never wanted to date or hold hands ect

Probably the first time I recognized that I was different from other kids was the first time a boy (In seriousness, not trying to play a prank) asked me If I would be his girlfriend.

I...thibk I wa ten or so? And he was probably the same. He said I was pretty, and that he really like me, and he wanted to know if I would go out with him. And I was just baffled. I told him gently that I had to say no because I didn't see him that way, and he was disappointed, but he accepted my no.

Like, he was a nice kid. He'd never been mean to me or anyone else that is seen. He was probably considered to be cute by people who actually experience attraction. But I barely knew him, we were barely even acquaintances let alone friends, and even though he really liked me, I didn't like him back.

And like I just. Didn't understand why he would be asking me out when he barely knew me based on the sole fact that he thought I was pretty.

I've had several more boys (and one adult creeper fuck, and one girl) ask me out. The girl was my friend at the time and honestly? When she asked me out?

I just felt betrayed. Because up until that point she had also said that she was aro ace and didn't want to date or any th ing like that. And then she asked me out.

And when she asked me out I spent one second considering what it would be like. Holding hands, kissing, and more, and every thing in my being recoiled. I knew that if I said yes it would make me miserable. Like, every bone in my body said that saying yes would be horrible beyond belief.

All I have ever wanted is friends. I don't want a boyfriend or a girlfriend or an enbyfriend, I don't want to get married.

I've known since forever yhat I didn't like anyone the way they seemed to like ea characters other.

I once had to do an essay in English class to describe my perfect spouse and I figured, well I don't like boys or girls so I'll just describe my perfect spouse with a neutral 'they'. The teacher first reprimanded me foe using they as a pronoun and insisted I change it to male, which she said was gender neutral (even back then I stared at her like ???? When she said that) and then when I refused to change it she gave me a C.

So it wasn't so much I figured out that I was aro/ace So much as I learned that words that described me existed.

Im aro/ace simply because I've never been interesting in dating or kissing and the thought of sex just repulses me completely.

This is a long and rambly post but

It's really freaking important that we educate kids about asexualiry and aromantisicm because

I knew I didn't like other people like they did

I knew that

But I thought that that meant there was something wrong with me.

Because in health class, they always talked about hormones. Hormones were what made us go through puberty, caused our bodies to change, and hormones were whay made us (apparently) want to kiss eachother and do other unmentionable things together.

And I never wanted to kiss anyone. I never thought the boys my friends were freaking over were cute. I can tell if someone is pretty, but I just...it just means they're pretty. Like a painting is pretty. It doesn't affect me in anyway.

Hormones, I was told, were what made everyone freak out over boys.

And I didn't freak out over boys. I didn't want to kiss them. And I didn't want to kiss girls either.

So, clesrly, because there was no other thing for me to think that meant there was something wrong with my hormones.

I though it meant that there was something wrong with me.

Because if hormones = attraction and o didn't feel attraction, that meant there was something wrong with mem

And that's how a lot of a-spec people feel before they find out that asexuality is a thing. Aromantisicm is a thing.

There are words for the way they feel.

There are other people who experience the same thing.

You know the one thing I had as a kid that I could identify with? The one thing I ever had that made me go, hey! That's like me!

The myth of Artemis.

Artemis was literally the only thing I ever saw that I could relate to. Every book I read reiterated that she never took a lover and never got married and had no children. She was the Virgin goddess, and not because she was ugly or mean. But because she just...didnt date.

All she did was hang put with her friends and have fun hunting.

Like I said I'm rambling but seriously. If someonebhad just told me as a kid that being aro ace was a thing, I wouldn't have spent years thinking there was something wrong with me.

Exclusionists like to pretend kids don't have any kind of sexuality until they literally start having sex, and they're purposefully ignoring the fact that gay girls get crushes on girls and straight girls get crushes on boys LONG before thoughts of sex ever enter their minds.

My mom told me I was too young to understand how I felt when I tried to explain to her (at what? 17? Maybe? Idk) what asexual meant.

I asked her how old she was when she realized she liked boys. She refused to answer, because she knew she'd be proving herself wrong.

Tldr I've always known I didn't like boys girls or abyt ing inbetween, and figuring out my sexuality was as simple as learning that the words I'd been looking for existed.

Oh and as always, feel free to reblog!

[mcrmadness]

A funny thing I noticed today as I was working on a fanfiction of mine.

This is just my random deep thoughts about aspec and attraction in general cos my aroace ass doesn't have a clue of anything as usual.

So, I always struggle more or less with how to write any kinds of relationships because I am aromantic and asexual, and I guess you could say I also believe in "relationship anarchy", and on top of all that I'm also a loveless aro.

What all that means to me:

I don't experience romantic nor sexual attraction at all.

I don't know if I experience platonic attraction. Maybe? It depends on whom you ask, because some say it's about QPRs and some say it's about whether one feels the need to have friends or not. I do, but I don't know where's the line between platonic attraction and just naturally learning to know people and getting along with some better than with others.

I am sex-repulsed, romance-repulsed and very touch-averse. However, I no longer believe that certain acts are inherently sexual or romantic only. I believe everyone can define what they mean to THEM and THEIR relationships and friendships, but no one can define those for OTHER PEOPLE. But because I am pretty much repulsed by all kinds of physical touch, physical intimacy is not part of any friendships of mine, this doesn't really concern me.

And this takes us to the fanfiction writing part. All three - platonic, romantic and sexual - are pretty much a grey area for me. I don't know how they differ from each other. In a way I can try to imagine that and I think I sometimes might even understand all this better when I write about two people in some kind of a relationship (might be an QRP, I haven't wanted to give it a name tbh), but still I do not know if I'm getting even close to what it is like for allos. All I can do is guess.

Before I thought the difference is exactly in what kinds of actions are allowed in which kind of a relationship, but since I have abandoned the idea that e.g. platonic friends can't hug or kiss without my mind going "they can't be JUST friends!!!", now I'm just left with... nothing. My previous understanding was just the rules of amatonormativity and society's standards, what I just grew up to believe because you possibly could, and still can't, watch or read (or play) almost any kind of media without it eventually shoving these ideas into your face as the only truth.

The attraction part - I still don't understand how allo brains do that, it's still such a "seems fake but okay" moment to me every single time allos show symptoms of attraction towards someone they don't even know. This is why I understand the demi way of attraction so much better! It just makes sense to me that you'd develop other types of feelings only after knowing the person well and for a long(er) time. Even tho I don't think I'd be demi, I'm too romance-repulsed (and sex-repulsed) and touch-averse for that in general, but just the overall idea just makes more sense to me.

Today I was writing something and I was kinda analyzing my own writing at the same time. The characters often take the reins and I just write what they do, but I don't necessarily understand what they do or why they do that. I don't know if it's confusing to someone who might have experience on those things - I mean I don't have. I had typical school time crushes but I think they were mostly aesthetic + just me wanting to do what others did too -> have a crush so I can talk about a crush with a friend so we band bond over crushes. I believe it's an ADHD thing, it's no different from me seeing someone drawing and me starting to draw because it just made me want to draw. Or when people talk about writing. I also want to talk about writing! So when as pre-teen and teen my friends had crushes, I also wanted to have a crush.

Needless to say, my last crush I had when I was 16, and that lasted for 3 years (started when I was 13) and I never even talked to this person. Just felt like running away screaming if they even saw me. After that I had fictional crushes cos they could not show "feelings" back. I think those were either platonic crushes, or my antidepressants just messing up with my head so much it affected even that part of my brain.

Hm, I got distracted. I was trying to say that after analyzing my texts, I realized that I actually have two moods for... some... attraction. I don't know how to call that. But I am writing about two people who are not aro nor ace, so I am not even trying to make them aro nor ace. One of them has slight vibes but not enough that I'd want to touch that part of their identity too much in my stories.

But yeah, I realized that these two characters, when they've just learnt to know each other, they kinda develop some sort of crush-like feelings. I don't really know what that even is. Basically it's platonic but still not (leaning slightly towards romantic/sexual attraction sometimes). And then much much later, it's still there but now it feels different? I still can't explain it, because I literally cannot feel it myself, but I can use empathy for imagining what that feels like but I still don't... comprehend a single thing about it. All I know is that it feels, or has different vibes, between those two scenes despite the setting basically being still the exact same. There just are so many years between those two scenes.

This is where I got the eureka moment today, as I started wondering that is the first one basically the way allos experience attraction, and the second one closer to how demis experience attraction? At least it would make more sense to me, EVEN THO it's about the same two characters so it's a bit funny that they'd have both the allo and demi brain lmao. But like I said, I myself don't have any experience, and even imagining anything myself is really difficult because I _don't experience attraction (aesthetic to some extent, but I'm really low even on that), and I have no clue how can you tell different forms of attraction apart from each other when you haven't even felt majority of them ever.

Okay, I guess this is enough deep thoughts for today.