#every single one of those posts screams of ‘i am pretentious and better than you’ okay why?

[lexalovesbooks]

People be like “if I call it ‘media consumption’ it will sound cold and clinical and Bad so that I can shame people for doing it” like damn sorry I enjoy reading. and listening to music and watching tv shows and movies and looking at art and watching YouTube videos you’re right absolutely none of these are hobbies and I should feel bad for doing them

[justletmedomyou]

short ones

some rec that no one asked for

Buried Like Treasure by QuickedWeen

Words: 8k

Prince Harry Styles is very private. He chooses to keep himself out of the public eye but feels lonely and isolated while surrounded by people in his hectic royal life. When he finishes his dissertation, he decides to take a solo holiday to one of the royal family's properties in the Swiss Alps.

Semi-retired thief Louis Tomlinson has been pulled in for one last job: steal a painting from an uninhabited mansion. Neither one of them expects a natural disaster.

Works like a charm by falsegoodnight

Words: 18k

Ever since Louis joined the team in fifth year, a few facts have become set in stone.

One: Louis is the best chaser in Hogwarts.

Two: Harry is the best beater in Hogwarts.

Three: They do not get along.

So it’s really unfair of Liam to think that forcing them to spend time together as Louis recovers from his injury will make them the best of friends. The last thing Louis would do is get along with that git.

The devil’s in the details by raspberryoats

Words: 25k

He squeals when Harry smacks his bum as he bends over to pick up his bag, swinging it over his shoulder. Harry smiles smugly at him, bottom lip caught between his teeth. “When are you going to start calling me professor?” He asks.

“When you actually are one,” Louis says with his hand on the doorknob. He cocks his head to the side in curiosity. “Isn’t that how words work? You did study English, right?”

Louis’ quick to slip out the door before Harry can smack him again, his laugh echoing through the hallways as he makes his way to his next class with flushed cheeks and a bright smile.

or the one where harry’s on his way to becoming a professor and louis is the smart, bratty student

At your fingertips by falsegoodnight

Words: 27k

He finds himself wrapped up in sheets in bed on Thursday night, staring at the familiar name on a new story that was posted the night before.

His fingers twitch, ready to hit play and surrender to his impulses, saving the regret and turmoil for later.

And still he hesitates, internally praying that he’ll somehow gain the strength to exit out within the next few moments before he inevitably loses his patience and hits the button.

Three…

Two…

One.

Play.

-

Or, Louis really should have seen it coming.

Sweet like honey by falsegoodnight

Words: 33k

Weeks of flat shopping with their limited budget with Louis as a librarian aid and Harry as a barista and arguments about whether a balcony or extended bathroom suite were more important (Harry wanted to be able to feel the crisp night’s air and watch the sun set and Louis just wanted to take long bubble baths) led to them stumbling across the perfect fit. A small flat only ten minutes from campus with a cramped but lovely balcony and an included bath.

It’s affordable too… well, sort of. But they always manage. Louis picks up more shifts as an aid, adapting a habit of bringing his Psych textbooks and homework with him to finish in between duties, and later his script so he can quietly practice lines with little distraction.

Harry also increases his number of shifts at the cafe and valiantly endures the nasty customers who for some reason flock to their establishment like moths to a flame.

For a while, it’s enough.

-

Or, Harry and Louis need money and they find an unconventional solution in the form of PornHub. It’s not supposed to be a big deal.

Haven by xxPayne

Words: 35k

“I take it you’re not a new student?” “What?” Harry mumbles, caught up in the way his eyes are quite literally sparkling in the light. “Oh—No. Not a student.” “Are you a sub?” Louis asks. Harry clenches his hands into fists, holding them behind his back as he stumbles a bit. “I don’t, uh—I mean. I’ve never really gotten a chance to be a true sub, you know? My ex-partners were always scared they’d hurt me. But, like—If I trusted someone a lot, and if we used a, a safeword. And talked about, you know, boundaries, then—Yes, yeah, I-I’m a sub.” Louis’ eyes are so wide, his cheeks puffing out in the effort to not burst into laughter. “Oh shit, oh my god,” Harry whispers. “You meant—Oh god.

Reduce Me To A Pleading Cry (Break The Skin and Tantalize) by taggiecb

Words: 37k

Or Harry is a broody submissive boss, Louis is a natural dom who works in the mail room at Styles & Styles, Niall is a matchmaking oracle, and a slender, dark haired man stands mute at the coffee stand encouraging others to spill their secrets.

The Pirate and The Piper by jacaranda_bloom

Words: 38k

Banished from Neverland by Captain Hook and the evil Siren Minerva, Louis is forced to live in the Other World. He makes a life for himself, resigned to the fact he’s never going to see his beloved home and Lost Boys again. Five years later he’s kidnapped and returned to Neverland, only to discover a far worse fate awaits him. But with an unlikely ally by his side, can he overcome those who seek his demise and restore freedom to his homeland?

Or the one where Harry is Hook, Louis is Pan, and nothing is what it seems.

Before we knew by falsegoodnight

Words: 39k

“C’mon Lou,” says Zayn after a moment, He sounds even more exasperated than before. Louis sort of has a knack for exasperating people, especially people like Zayn who aren’t usually bothered by his brattiness. “Can’t you give this guy a chance? Harry Styles? Aren’t you curious about him at all?”

Despite his best efforts, Louis still flinches at the name. He really shouldn’t be so affected after all these years. He’s seen the name printed down the curve of his waist in obnoxiously and uncommonly large loopy letters every single day since his sixteenth birthday eight years ago. He’s very familiar with the name Harry Styles.

It sounds pretentious and Louis hates it.

He hates everything about his supposed soulmate.

He hates his large handwriting that stands out like a claim on his skin whenever he’s walking around shirtless. He hates his pretentious name. And now he hates his supposed curls and green eyes and dimples.

-

Or Louis has been skeptical of soulmates for years so it seems like fate when he finally bumps into the owner of the obnoxiously large signature printed onto his skin since age sixteen: Harry Styles, a human rights attorney who is firmly against soulmates.

Bruise you like a peach by falsegoodnight​

Words: 40k

There’s two reasons Harry despises Econ.

The first is that it’s boring as fuck. The second reason is a bit more personal, a bit more focused in a way. As in it’s focused on one specific thing, or in his case, person.

His name is Louis Tomlinson.

Things have gotten closer to the sun by starsea

Words: 49k

it’s strange, making the choice to face his past—it almost feels like he’s heading for the sun straight on, like he’s screaming come on and burn me, i deserve it.

-

when a solar flare is announced to end the world in twelve days, harry reunites with the people that he used to know better than the back of his own hand.

Just a flicker in the dark by falsegoodnight

Words: 57k

Harry Styles is his case partner. High and mighty, annoyingly smug Harry Styles who’s known him for years and has fucking seen him naked for fuck’s sake.

He glances at Venus who’s blinking up at him with curious eyes, no doubt sensing the agitation sparking in his magic.

“This is not happening,” Louis says loudly. “This is not fucking happening. I am going to kill Liam, oh my god.” He doesn’t even know if Liam is responsible for this but it feels like something he’d do to drive Louis absolutely insane - exes don’t just show up to your assigned haunted house out of nowhere. “Fucking fuck!”

He nearly jumps when Harry knocks again, his muffled voice carrying through the wood. “I can hear you, you know,” he drawls, sounding frustratingly amused.

Louis exhales, resisting the urge to scream.

-

Or, Louis is a struggling witch desperate to prove himself after yet another magic disaster and finds a calling in the haunted house of client Niall Horan. Things get more complicated when he’s assigned a case partner: acclaimed medium and ex-boyfriend, Harry Styles.

Like cabbages and kings by you_explode

Words: 60k

When Louis was a kid, he had a series of very vivid dreams about a place called Wonderland. There were rabbits wearing waistcoats and talking cats and ridiculous tea parties, and amidst all the absurdity, there was a boy. A boy with dimples, big green eyes and the sweetest soul Louis has ever known. Louis has always kept a place in his heart for that boy and for his funny dreamworld, and when he’s twenty-five and his life falls apart, it turns out Wonderland might not be so imaginary after all.

[commonalex]

Sensors

So uhhh… “commonalex_”, “Common Alex”, “cOmMoN aLeX”..?  It’s basically the same, pick your fave, no biggie. It’s just that commonalex really blurs the line between an alias and a username, ever since people’s legal name seem more and more out of date for their purpose. A name assigned to you like that without any option back then can’t reflect the scumbag you ended up today, and people are slowly realising this. Like, how many can identify you just by your grandparents’ name generator and how many know you as that richie_tameimpala93 fuck that posts these shit ass stories everyone skips? How many know Bruce instead of Batman? How many know this kid instead of, uhhh, y’know, his actual name (yeah it’s in the title, I know, shut up)? How did you come up with a poetry collection- you know- living and breathing in <place current year here>? Like, what the fuck?  You have a point there (laughs). I know well how cringey, dumb or miserable poetry slams can be, how pretentiousness creeps behind these weird haikus your aunt posts on fb and how exhausting all these rumblings without any trace of cohesion but a bunch of enters smashed here and there (cracking up). This is why I tried to not have a single line without a purpose. All that’s left is what I want to communicate as transparent and less chatterboxy possible to prove that whatever I made has a point and a place (hilariously shitting ourselves from manic laughter, a priest preaches above us at the moment and we get dirt thrown at us due to death by funny as hell humor and such). Mmm, sounding a bit guilty. Like you were ashamed somehow to do something like this. Why’s that oh dear conventionalalexander_?  It was the most natural thing to put out as a finished work. Prose and short stories have their charm, ok, but I always have to convey what I want to say behind a cAtChY enough premise that seems worthy for someone to read it; even just for the aesthetics. With poetry I cut the middleman on one hand and on the other I get closer to the art format I prefer the most, music albums. I used this approach like I was writing my “album”, either by following some beat inside my head or planning out the structure of what I intended to capture with all this. So my collection consists of 12 “tracks”; enough to trigger an effect (or some sort of a situation) without getting tiresome. I know the attention spans I have to deal with. I don’t want to give people chores. I want to chat with someone as long as it takes to take a better peek inside my head. That’s very woke, my man, congrats. Sensors really seem like just the right kind of thing to be put inside the literature textbooks of the future along with Rupi Kaur, Savannah Brown and this particular man over here.  I’m not delusional, Sensors ain’t getting anywhere. Not that I didn’t want it, in some sense. I planned to print 40 copies of it and push them for free to whoever would like to pity me, but the world decided to turn into a huge distributed big brother-esque shit filled people spamming 24/7 that we all are going to die. It didn’t take me much time to understand during these circumstances that my plan wouldn’t quite fit to Sensors either way. It’s a product of the internet and self-inflicted isolation, it can’t afford to lose its home court advantage. All this crushes every hidden dream of mine about seeing my bs printed, collecting dust on somebody’s bookshelf, just to boast about how much of a totally real writer I am to poor innocent people that have the misfortune to listen to me talking. Ok look this might seem to make some sense but no one gives a flying fuck go get a actual job you moron like for fuck sake nobody asked for this why are you still talking about it go fuck yourself asshole.  I'm trying so hard to not be seen as some cynical douche playing the know-it-all schtick. I really do. However, I do understand how much can a bunch of poems worth at this very moment (spoiler alert: fewer than absolute nothing). Debord wrote that forms of expression such as poetry are doomed, something I both understand and get behind. Nevertheless I ain't planning on no such thing as a "resurrection"; nostalgia is the coward's approach towards the fear of today's uncertainty. I write about now, as a person that lives in sync and deals with the shit of the present. Anything else would be a clumsy grave-digging attempt that screams "boohoo I was born in the wrong generation", even with the best of intentions. And why would anyone care about this, man?  Dunno.  This extremely sterile type of expression just for the sake of the expression you typically find inside boring ass museum exhibitions, bittersweet classic literature or fake deep songs always bugged me and always motivated me to find alternatives that would bypass those miserable bullshit, just so I could draw some loose gray parallels with what I was living at the moment.  But alternatives got more and more scarce, and the internal burning started making its way to my throat and hand. I couldn't feel through other hosts anymore and this "oh ok then I guess I'm gonna make it myself instead" attitude didn't quite work out. I began to censor myself based on the assumption that by this way I wouldn't get lost in pretentiousness and laziness of the "others". I was literally explaining everything I wrote while I was writing it with a stupid perfectionist complex in the back of my head, just so my works would pass the test of time by not making me cringe just as much as reading sad fanfics of a person who really needs friends (and yet to this day I can't read anything I wrote without feeling like I got kicked in the balls).      I've lost the way to talk about exactly what’s eating me from the inside because I'm afraid I might look too obvious and banal. I've lost the words needed to express myself and honestly I can't feel a thing around me anymore. But I'm in the process of fixing that, for real. I now realise how in vain all my efforts to connect back to the world were, until Sensors came to help me. To remember once again my sense of humanity and hug the shit out of it. To show the damage I caused upon myself by being disconnected all this time. To get a better look at what boasts my reaction, my blues, my sex drive and my creativity deep inside.      This is a start of something already ending.  These are the data I got this far from my new Sensors. 

Online aesthetic reading over at commonsensors.github.io

Download the pdf chapbook here

[beenpole]

I don’t like making parallels to myself with my muses but Marcie generally taking no shit from anyone, especially men, absolutely comes from me. Daily life is pretty tough when you are shy and have anxiety, standing up to people doing you and others wrong is hard, a mountain to climb over. The courage to demand to be treated with respect and dignity as a person and as a colleague, a family member, a friend, a romantic partner is difficult. Every situation is like starting over, doesn’t matter how confident I feel now, the next time I might falter. 

Marcie goes through those same moments, needing to reach deep inside herself and say that this is something worth standing up to and worth fighting for. Respect should be given until it’s lost, there is no reason to treat anyone lesser until they show that they don’t deserve basic respect. There is no reason to treat people like trash, yet plenty do it daily. So if anyone thinks I am have made Marcie overly anxious and cautious, it’s based on my own experiences, and what I think plenty of others experience all the time.  Personal story: The other day at work someone above me in rank criticized what time I left (well past what I was scheduled) and joked that I was rushing home to read a book. Its such a small-minded yet personalized insult that I think it is actually effecting me. She could have called me lazy, or a bitch, instead she chose to comment on what she thinks my lifestyle and personality are.  Yes I do have books I have to read, but she doesn’t or shouldn’t know that. I have work to do, and now I am thinking to myself, why is she calling me a nerd of all things? Is it the words I use? Did I mention something about myself in a pretentious way? Sometimes I try so hard to be a nobody wallflower and be as un-excellent as possible that it baffles me when someone singles me out. I hate being the center of attention, even if it’s positive.  Marcie goes through things like this, but differently. Now THIS is going to sound pretentious, because Marcie is generally considered conventionally attractive, but having anxiety AND sticking out like a sore thumb is a bad combo. She doesn’t have much courage, she doesn’t like attention, it makes her sick to her stomach. I am not setting out for anyone to feel bad for a cis white woman that few would call ugly, this is an internal struggle that no one but herself can solve. No one else can make her feel better about herself, in her head. She has very little complaints about herself physically, other than being tall because it’s something that she was made fun of. Tall guys get special treatment too, but for women it is different.  Marcie’s childhood was emotionally negligent and she will spend the rest of her life trying to feel just ok. Sometime I worry when I write about her mental health struggles that someone will tell me I’m wrong no matter how hard I try to be accurate yet not stereotypical, since I haven’t faced the same issues, I can only relate it to my own (specifically with her OCPD/OCD and my ED) because as I said, I don’t like putting myself so much into my muses. Maybe I base a little backstory thing on my own life (I broke all ten of my toes when I was 13, and used that as inspiration for Marcie breaking her leg from falling out of a tree when she was 16, things like that.) 

I think its fucking bonkers how women are treated and invalidated daily, how men talk to us, no matter where we come from or what we do or how hard we try or how smart we are, they treat us all the same and mentally divide us into how useful we are to them. Every time a man talks to me like I’m a toddler I want to scream and cry and fight them, but I can’t do those things, so I try my fucking hardest to run fucking circles around them ethically, philosophically, politically, any way I can. Every single day I am treated lesser than because I muster up the courage to speak up, and Marcie is a part of that. She allows me to express how I feel sometimes. Sometimes when I am sad and feeling down, I can log on here, or write a drabble I will never post and sort out my feelings, and think about how I can do better next time. At this point I am not writing for anyone else, I am writing for me. 

[nightcoremoon]

Callout post: me

lying, manipulative, hold grudges, constantly paranoid, would absolutely 100% check out a teenager if nobody was looking because "it's a harmless crime", liar, cycle through idealization and devaluation, 'sick of fat people trying to be the next civil rights issue and making it that much harder to get civil rights for people who are ACTUALLY oppressed like gee idk poc and muslims and the mentally ill and queer people', frequently fantasizes about committing violent acts against people I rationalize they deserve it including family members, untruthful, attention whore, pedantic AND pretentious, tells lies, doesn't believe in one sister's claim of sexual assault (went to smoke weed with the alleged perpetrator), UNAPOLOGETICALLY AGAINST ASEXUAL EXCLUSIONISM (LITERALLY FUCK YOU DUMBASS FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS WHO SHRIEK THAT QUEER IS A SLUR, SHUT YOUR GODDAM FUCKING WHORE MOUTHS YOU DUMBASSES AND GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE OR READ A BOOK), would absolutely punch a child over an insignificant internet argument, secretly sought out sexual pleasure from two friendly seemingly platonic encounters with two girls I just met within twenty four hours, overreacts to the slightest provocations and has bitches at or vagueposted at several people who did not deserve it, has used mental illness and physical handicap to evade trouble from being late for work because video games and laziness and excessive sleep, has spent maybe a thousand dollars on fast food in 2018 alone, evades bills for medical care from an actually great clinic, lying sack of garbage, gave up on calling out family's bigotry and is now an accessory to prejudice, despises terfs predominantly for their refusal to fuck me because of being trans and yet meanwhile would not engage in sexual relationship with another trans woman or cis man unless reeeeeeeeally drunk, can and will blame being sexually assaulted as a child which probably didn't even happen because I don't think I remember it, unabashed furry, probably as addicted to video games and masturbation AND LIES as I almost was to alcohol, pretended to have almost been an alcoholic just to "win" facebook arguments about addiction, doesn't give a fuck my dad almost died from heroin JUST because he's a *little* homophobic and racist and classist and xenophobic because of a christian upbringing, would literally fucking murder him if he EVER PUTS HIS HANDS ON ME AGAIN, only slightly depressed because of laziness and a lack of drive and ungrateful to my family because hey they didn't kick me out for being trans so HEY THATS SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH FOR SOME OTHER PEOPLE SO WHY CANT I BE HAPPY WITH THAT, legitimately salty about ~the friendzone~ and just makes fun of incels because everybody else does, takes the moral high ground for not being a misogynist even though I don't deserve a pat on the back a lap dance and a blowjob for not hating women, overly sensitive about stupid things, thinking about faking having a trigger warning for more discourse credit, HUUUGE ASSHOLE to men I deem unattractive for no other reason than every single ugly fat guy I've ever met has been an asshole, rationalizes it after the fact because they eventually say something shitty because all men are terrible, probably a little bit of a cisnormative misandrist because trans men tend to be much better people, finds trans men attractive (specifically and significantly more so than cis men) so must clearly be fetishizing them, relatively okay with people referring to me as deadnamed and the wrong pronouns so probably just lying about being trans to everyone including myself, not 100% okay with the hijab for 'no reason other than all organized religion is evil and opposed to its mandate and the shame it forces on many women in many situations the exact same way I'm opposed to no sex before marriage and wives being subservient to their husbands and treating women as property in the torah and quran alike because ITS ALL BRAINWASHING' so is clearly not unlearning islamophobia and doesn't want to let that go, hypocrite because I believe in the basics of judeochristianity

and loathe atheism and atheists entirely because their smugness and smarm literally sets my blood pressure through the roof of what is safe and normal and yet claim to hate all organized religion, mansplains yet gets so pissed off when other people mansplain to me, judgmental of other cultures because they don't have the exact same values that I have, james gunn apologist, talks and talks and talks about anarchosocialism all damn day but would beat the shit out of a coworker for leaving me to do things because they're lazy because "any job worth doing is worth doing well" and other capitalismisms, literally couldn't give less of a fuck that his mother is dying because people die but it's no reason to make my life slightly harder and making me work hard when I work because BOO HOO MY LEGS HURT FROM THE LITERALLY MOST MILD CASE OF MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY I COULD'VE BEEN BORN WITH, hasn't actually performed real suicide attempt ever but still claims to have done so to attain sympathy that may result in physical affection, countless other shitty terrible things that yeah I recognize are bad but CANT SEEM TO CARE BECAUSE I HAVE DEPRESSION... WHICH IS THE WEAKEST FUCKING EXCUSE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD

I am not a good person, okay?

I just pretend to be sometimes.

I'm sick of doing it, I'm sick of trying to do well and earn people's approval by doing and saying the right things only to just be ignored which is a step up from receiving many anons that hey, never actually told me to kill myself, but did take my words out of context to paint me as a racist. I am not the kind of racist who would vote for trump and march with the kkk. that is one of very few good things I can say about myself. but I'm an arrogant, violent, and angry opinionated perverted manipulative judgmental lying asshole. I'm not a good person. I have let myself fall so much and I deserve to be alone. my only connections to people were built on personal gain and I swear to myself that I do love them but those feelings fall away in direct correlation to how much they interact with me. I could love you to the point of obsession and stalking and one month later be completely and totally disinterested. I'm a bigot who pretends to not be bigoted and just parrots what other people say not because I believe it but because it's the right thing to say, and I only say what the right thing is to say because whenever I say a good thing something good will happen to me and if I say a bad thing something bad happens to me. it's all just self preservation, nothing else at all. but now I'm at the end of a road of just trying to do good and I'm alone. out of the only two friends that I can really say that I have left, one is far away and trapped in a guilt spiral that I caused by being too clingy, and the other has been behaving in a way my mind has decoded as defensive around me which makes sense as I have been very... the best way to describe it would be the way a dudebro incel interacts with any person who possesses a vagina/breasts but sneakier. in both relationships I've pushed my own wants and desires in extremis... I can't for the life of me recall the last time I have ever offered something in return other than my own company or paying for a meal at a restaurant or I guess transportation. and instead of sex I just want them to express even the slightest bit of intimate platonic physical affection towards me but that's still a lot to offer someone who has clearly expressed the existence of a sexual and maybe something near the realms of romantic in one of the cases physical attraction because for this aspec it's practically the same fucking thing.

and I've manipulated them to attain this goal. at this point my shit brain has considered just fucking going to town on my wrists with a razor blade to draw sympathy so that I'll get a hug or something beyond just a simply hello/goodbye, and finding a way to induce tears to concoct a sob story to reach the same end result, and one time very briefly via threat and intimidation so you can clearly see that I've gone far too into irredeemable territory. I've been playing and replaying cry of fear because it's just too similar to my own issues and the first ending where he just kills everyone he loves and then himself... I see me in that ending. and it scares me so much more than the sprinting screaming twitching one hit kill chainsaw guy ever will. I don't want that to be me, I want to change something, but I just can't get the help that I need. I had hoped to go for a domino effect, where if I could be cuddled for like five minutes or something, I'd have the energy to be more hygienic, which would make me feel capable enough to take on two jobs, which would get me the cash flow I need to pay my bills and take care of my hormones, which would put me in the headspace necessary to effectively use psychological help, which would let me get over my illnesses and actually become a more successful person instead of the pathetic husk I am here in non-fantasy land.

but that won't happen.

I'm just sitting here in the dark angsting about how nobody will touch me in a way that would produce oxytocin, and it's making me so sick, so physically sick, that it's affecting my brain too. I'm in pain, nauseous, vengeful, spiteful, paranoid, judgmental, and lonely. I'm stuck and I can't even kill myself because my mind wants me to stay alive and suffer through all of this because "oh it gets better" people have been saying that for well over half of my life. I was six or seven years old when I asked my mother to kill me, and that same level of desperation and bitterness has only gotten worse as time goes by. when does it get better? I'll tell you when it gets better, after I'm in prison or comatose or forty five years old with a cane and bad eyes and high blood pressure and lung cancer from all the secondhand smoke I've breathed in my life. when my life is over, that's when it gets better. I DONT WANT THAT. I WANT A NORMAL FUCKING LIFE RIGHT NOW. I WANT NORMAL FRIENDSHIPS AND A NORMAL HOME AND A NORMAL EDUCATION AND A NORMAL CAREER AND A NORMAL FAMILY. or at least I want someone to hold me and make me feel like I'm not so horrible and broken that I can't be touched.

but that's too much to ask for.

[viv-heart]

A wild ride

Title: A wild ride Author: viv-heart Pairings: Draco Malfoy/ Hermione Granger Rating: T Warnings: none Wordcount: 4k+ Status: complete Summary:  It's hard to forgive yourself - even if everyone who matters already has. But redemption is never easy. Dramione, EWE, Post-War, Draco in the muggle world Links: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12548540 https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12705799/1/A-wild-ride

Or: under the cut:

The cold, autumn sun is shining through the dirty window of the old bus. Draco doesn’t mind. He stares through it absentmindedly, not really looking at the people hurrying around it, as they put in their luggage and get on. Frankly, he doesn’t care.

He is hungover and tired and just wants to go home – wherever that is. It’s certainly not the Manor, even though it is the final destination of this tiresome journey.

Sure, he could have apparated or used the floo but he has discovered sometime in the past three years that he actually likes muggle transportation.

He knows that he might be the single person on the whole planet who does, as everyone else he’s met so far is just bitching about it, but he doesn’t care. For him, it is fascinating and weirdly calming.

When he travels, he stands still and moves through great lengths at the same time – both literally and metaphorically. He thinks best when he rides the bus or goes by train.

Sometimes he can’t believe it himself, that he is spending hours in such close proximity to muggles and is feeling relaxed - but he does and he is proud of himself that he has come so far. He has learned from his mistakes, or that’s what he likes to believe.

He knows very well that the Wizarding society doesn’t always think that and yet they buy his products like crazy, while trashtalking him behind his back. Deep down it stings and he cares more than he would ever admit.

When somebody sits down next to him, Draco doesn’t turn around to look at them. Why should he? He is completely content to just stare out of his window for the next five or six hours – depending traffic – the bus needs to get from whatever French city they are in to England.

“Excuse me, do you have a phone charger with you? Mine is in my suitcase,” the woman – he guesses by the voice – next to him asks and he has to suppress a groan.

He really hopes she has forgotten her phone charger in her trunk and isn’t just the chatty type or, god forbid, hitting on him. That had happened exactly once and it had been so bad he had seriously considered apparating right from the bus, trouble with the Ministry from it be damned.

“What kind of phone do you have? Not every model  has the same-,” he turns around and his words die in his throat.

Next to him is sitting a very tired looking Hermione Granger, who is now looking at him with comically wide eyes.

No wonder – he is wearing his favourite black beanie, as it is freezing outside, effectively making himself unrecognizable from the back.

“Fancy meeting you here,” he drawls as soon as his ability to speak returns, trying to hide just how off-guard she has caught him. In all the years – nine at this point, since he has taken up this weird hobby shortly after the war – he hadn’t run into a single other wizard he knew and he knew a lot of them.

“I didn’t recognize you,” Granger says with a small voice, so unlike what he is used from hearing at Ministry functions and during official business, it renders him speechless.

He clears his throat and his eyes fall on the phone in her hand. Draco had expected to see a Nokia or a Samsung but instead, it is an older model produced by his very own company. He doesn’t know how to feel about it and decides to ignore it for the moment. There is no use in wondering if she is one of those people who enjoy the technology he had introduced to the Wizarding world while badmouthing him at the same time.

“Ah right, the charger,” he says instead and Granger looks at him blankly for a second.

“Oh yes,” she says when she realizes what he is talking about, “the charger.”

He hands it to her wordlessly and she thanks him and suddenly there is this heavy silence between them and Draco wants to change his seat but the bus is full so he only takes a deep breath to calm himself down.

He had developed severe panic attacks during the war and haven’t managed to get them completely under control since, even though it has gotten way better with the help of his psychologist. Unfortunately, he can’t explain the war to the tiny lady as she wouldn’t understand and he really doesn’t want to spend another night in the psych ward – one has been more than enough, thank you very much – so he has to suffer through it.

A paper bag or any bag, really, would help with the hyperventilation but he isn’t going to give Hermione Miss Perfect Granger the pleasure to witness just how much his former idiocy has cost him and take pity on him, or some other crap like that.

She had pulled that with some of his friends, accidentally bringing Pansy and Potter out of all people together in the wake of it. It is a match made in hell but Pansy is as happy as she has ever been and he would be damned if he tried to destroy that. She deserves the best, in his opinion, after everything she has been through, some of it partially his fault, and if the best is Saint Potter, he can deal with that.

“Are you alright?” Granger whispers and Draco’s head snaps into her direction.

“What?” he asks, hoping that his face doesn’t betray anything as he feels the panic rise up again.

“You are clutching the armrest,” Granger says and Draco looks at his hands.

His fingers are digging into the armrest just as Granger said and he hasn’t even realized it. Considering his veins are shining almost neon blue through his skin he has gotten even paler than usual, even though she has thankfully not pointed it out.

“Is it because this is a muggle bus full of muggles?” Granger asks again when he doesn’t say anything.

“I sell muggle technology, I learn from muggles which I employ,” he says and his fingers are digging into the armrest from anger this time. He has half a mind to hope he doesn’t break the thing as it is made from nothing but cheap plastic, if his guess is correct.

“It is me then.” It isn’t a question and while she says it in her most neutral tone, the tone she uses to talk about catastrophes,  any sort of injustice and generally about things that upset her greatly and Draco knows that.

He hates that he knows that. He wishes he didn’t, because if he didn’t he wouldn’t want to scream but he never gets what he wants. Even worse, he knows exactly why he knows and for a brief moment he hates Potter again, even though he makes Pansy so damn happy.

“You are jumping to conclusions,” Draco says, going with his most neutral tone, but her expression tells him that she knows that this tone is reserved for catastrophes too.

Draco pulls his beanie from his head and runs a hand through his hair. He hates it when it is flat against his head.

“You caught me off guard. That’s all,” he says, staring at the seat in front of him. Somebody had tried to cave in something with his key but had failed miserably. It doesn’t work that well with this kind of plastic. Or they were caught by the driver. Either way, Draco doesn’t care.

“Still jumpy?” Granger asks and somehow it isn’t the voice anymore. Somehow it sounds as if she actually cares.

“Can we skip to the part where you make fun of me because of it?” Draco snaps, feeling very uncomfortable out of the sudden. Well, he has been uncomfortable since he realized who sat down next to him but it had gotten progressively worse. “I really don’t care to have a little heart to heart with you right now.”

Granger frowns. “Excuse me?” Her voice is sharp around the edges, but quiet as to not draw attention and accidentally out the whole Wizarding world. “Make fun of you? What are you even talking about? Why should I make fun of you about that?”

Draco looks away and shrugs. He wishes he had just ignored her when she had asked for the charger.

“Do people make fun of you because you have PTSD?” she continues and Draco groans.

This is even worse than the woman who had wanted to get into his pants and there is still way too much time till they get to their final destination and even if he leaves now, this is Hermione Granger and he knows for a fact that she will track him down and force him to talk. That’s how she became friends with Theo after Zacharias Smith dumped him.

“Why are you so surprised about it?” Draco asks. “The war is over for an eternity now. I had more than enough time to grow up and get my shit together. It’s my fault I haven’t.”

The words leave a bitter taste in his mouth.

“Are you kidding me?” Granger shrieks and Draco turns around to show her just how displeased he is with the volume of her voice by glaring at her, but she looks positively outraged, her wild hair enhancing the effect even more.

“No,” he says.

“I can’t believe it!”

She lowers her voice, thankfully and the few heads that had turned to look at them turn away again, but Draco is painfully reminded of the speeches on behalf of the house elf project with the terrible name when she starts to lecture him about people who haven’t fought not understanding and PTSD is normal for veterans.

“If it is so normal, why am I the only one who has it?” Draco cuts in somewhere in the middle of her unnecessary attempt to explain to him what a psychologist is, as if he didn’t have one for the past five years. She has always been pretentious.

“You aren’t the only one,” she says simply and Draco crosses his arms.

“Who else?”

“Harry obviously – that’s why he quit the auror job and went back to Hogwarts to teach. Made him bonkers the same way Moody was. Constant vigilance and all that.”

Draco shudders at the mention of that name despite knowing that the person responsible for the ferret incident had been an imposter.

“Of course Moody himself, Ron, George, Ginny and Percy… All the Weasleys to some degree actually, Pansy, Theo and even your parents,” she is counting on her fingers, “Your father suffers it since the First War if I am not wrong. Sirius, Lupin and Snape...” She lets her hands fall into her lap. “Just let’s say a lot of people.” She sounds defeated.

“You seem to think about it a lot,” Draco mutters. “Why?” He doesn’t really expect an answer, and when he sees the look on her face he doesn’t need one. He understands.

“What’s your issue?” he asks and Granger hugs herself, but speaks to his surprise.

“A lot. Nightmares for example. And being touched when I don’t expect it. Especially from behind.”

Draco nods. He can even pinpoint the exact moments when she has gotten those issues and his stomach turns at the thought. It is awful.

“I feel like I can’t breathe,” he says without thinking and Granger reaches out to where his hand is clutching the armrest again.

Her hand hovers over his and pulls it back when he glares at her.

“I am sorry nobody bothered to talk to you about it.” She is feeling guilty.

Draco knows that she has been talking with both Theo and Pansy about different things a lot, obviously about this too, and they have probably told her that they never talk about this kind of stuff. That simply isn’t how their friendship works and Draco prefers it that way.

“It’s fine. I have a psychologist.” Draco doesn’t know why he is trying to make her feel better but he is and it sucks.

“You do?” She is smiling despite the initial surprise.

He shrugs again and they fall silent.

“Look, I think we should start anew,” she says after a while, startling Draco who had returned to his favourite pastime of staring out of the window in the meanwhile.

“What are you talking about?” He knows he won’t like the answer even before she opens her mouth.

“I think we have done each other a lot of injustice in the past, letting ourselves get blinded by our misguided beliefs.”

Draco snorts. She gives him an outraged look.

“What? It’s true! You’ve been a terrible blood purist and I’ve treated you like a Death Eater!”

“I was a Death Eater. Still am if you ask some,” he says, pulling up the sleeve of his black jumper to remind her of the harsh reality. His interest in muggle things can’t erase his past mistakes. He knows it and she should too, but then again, she has always been a little bit too idealistic.

“I am not going to have the ‘you were a child discussion’ with you now,” she says.

Draco grunts in acknowledgement. He isn’t happy that the Dark Mark burned into his flesh hasn’t been enough to shut her up. He doesn’t have much else and she probably knows it.

“But think about it. Pansy and Harry are married and are trying for a child. We should get along for their sake, if for nothing else and getting rid of past prejudices would help that immensely.”

Draco scoffs. “We are not trying to kill each other, that’s enough. They can’t expect more.”

Granger purses her lips in displeasure.

“I don’t think you have realized what I said. They are trying for a baby. We will probably become the god-parents! We have to get along.”

Draco glares at her. “And what exactly do you want from me?” he snaps. He isn’t sure how they have gotten from phone chargers and PTSD to Pansy and Potter trying for a brat, but he doesn’t like it. He hates it. “Do you want to become best friends and make friendship bracelets together and crap like that? Or even better, date? Yeah, that’s it. If you want to get to grow closer why not get on a damn date together? Wouldn’t that be just damn perfect? I bet everyone would love it!”

Granger stares at him with wide eyes, her mouth hanging slightly open and only then does Draco realize what he has just said.

He clenches his jaw and looks out of the window defiantly, ignoring the feeling of Granger’s eyes on him as good as he can.

Minutes or hours - he can’t tell – pass in silence as she studies him and he does his best to not acknowledge it.

“I will never understand you,” Granger says, destroying his hopes that she would come to the conclusion that this isn’t worth it. It was a very naive hope, he knows, as it would be way out of character for her.

“I don’t expect or want you to,” Draco replies, still not looking at her.

“You need to talk to somebody!”

Draco rolls his eyes, not sure if she can see it in the reflection of the glass. He hopes she does. “I talk to enough people. For example, we talk right now.”

She leans closer and he can see that she pursed her lips as she prepares to give him a piece of her mind. He is glad he is wearing his jumper or her hair would tickle him.

“You know exactly what I mean! You don’t open up to anybody! Everyone is worried! Even Harry thinks that!”

Draco turns around and their noses are mere inches from each other. “Why should I care what Potter thinks? Or anybody else? I am fine and even if I wasn’t, why do you, of all people care? Least I remember, we were nothing but acquaintances who have to play nice for the sake of Potter and Pansy!”

“Pansy asked me to,” she says calmly and Draco wants to scream yet once again.

The whole conversation stopped being remotely funny a long time ago, even before it began, really, and reached peak high right now.

“If Pansy is worried about me she can talk to me herself, even though I really don’t know why she is worried in the first place,” he spits out. “Why the fuck are you actually here? Tell me you haven’t planned this!”

He knows that she had looked genuinely surprised when she saw him, but he isn’t sure just how good of an actor she is. He assumes she can’t be that bad as she had convinced Weasley she liked sleeping with him back when they were together. He knows that thanks to Weasley bragging about it quite a lot. He also knows he hadn’t be that good since the one ladies’ night Pansy had convinced him to attend after he had been celibate for so long that he had ascended to another realm and had surpassed social constructs like gender. Pansy’s words, not his. It had been fun but he had gathered some information he would really like to forget.

Granger snorts. “You are giving yourself too much credit. As if I would spend several hours in an uncomfortable bus just for you.”

Her tone is biting and Draco relaxes immediately. He always prefers confrontations to anything involving feelings and this is something he and Granger are really good at.

“Why are you here then?” he asks, curious for once.

“I wanted to go on holiday in peace,” she shrugs, “The worst part about being a war heroine and working as the Ministry’s spokesman is that I am a public figure and can’t do anything without fearing it will end up in the Prophet, Witch Weekly or even the internet. Thanks for introducing that to wizards by the way.” The last sentence is dripping with sarcasm.

Draco has expected that she would like the introduction of modern technologies to the wizarding community and the comment catches him off-guard. But then again, he understands. Being a public person isn’t always easy and he really can’t blame her for being sick of it.

“Why are you here?” she asks and Draco runs a hand over his face.

“I like to travel like this,” he says truthfully, but she doesn’t really look like she believes him. He doesn’t care.

They fall silent again and Draco really, really hopes it is for good, but he knows better than to really believe it. And he isn’t disappointed.

“You really need to talk to someone,” she says half an hour later.

“About what exactly?” he drawls. “I already have a therapist.”

“A therapist you can’t talk to about the war.”

“There is no one who would understand how the war was for me,” he says without thinking, tired and annoyed as he is, and regrets it immediately. He didn’t mean to say that.

Granger stares at him for a long while and her shoulders slump. “So this is what it is about.”

Draco grits his teeth and waits for her to continue.

“I can’t say anything to make you forgive yourself, can I?” she asks weakly, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.

“You can’t.”

She nods.

Draco isn’t sure she really understands what this is about but judging by the fact that she doesn’t press the issue any further and starts to chatter about nothing and everything. He is grateful for that even if he doesn’t say it.

He hates to talk about it because he knows there’s no one who could help him – after all there isn’t a power that could bring back the dead. He isn’t even talking about Dumbledore, no, Potter has told him all about the curse on the old man long ago. He means all the others – the professors and muggles, his classmates and innocent children, who died in his house or the school because of what he did or didn’t do. It’s a guilt that won’t go away, no matter what he does. He had tried to learn how to live with it, made amends but it is never enough and he doubts it will ever be.

“Is there something you feel guilty about?” he asks and Granger stops talking about Merlin knows what and stares at him.

She wets her lips, dragging the lower lip between her teeth before she speaks. “Of course. Everybody has those. I feel guilty for a lot of things.”

“For example?” Draco asks impatiently, crossing his arms over his chest. He doesn’t know why he asked, but he really wants to know the answer now.

“Not offering you help back in sixth year,” she says and looks him straight into the eyes, catching him by surprise with the boldness of the statement.

He gulps. He certainly hasn’t expected that to be something she felt guilty about. “You hated me,” he says. “And not without reason.”

“You want another?” Granger crosses her arms. “I feel guilty about the way I treated Lavender Brown. For the death of quite a few people, for being too slow, too bad, too weak. And guess what? I am not the only one.”

Draco is shaking at that point but she isn’t fazed by it, as she continues to fire the shots at him, forcing him to face everything head on.

“We were children and yet we were forced to be more responsible than the adults. I learned everything I could and yet it wasn’t enough. We weren’t enough because we were bloody children soldiers in a war older than our parents. And now we have to live with everything while those who are responsible, Dumbledore and Grindelwald and even Riddle are long dead. I feel guilty because I am supposed to be the best of our generation and I still can’t do anything about it!”

Tears are streaming down her face and Draco is rendered speechless. He doesn’t understand why she is telling him all this and why here. Something tells him that she wouldn’t have in any other setting and she hasn’t talked to anybody else about it. Then again, why should she? Potter had already given everything that was his to give and even more, so he wouldn’t understand. Things were strained between her and Weasley even since he had abandoned them in that woods – something Draco shouldn’t know but Pansy had needed to let out when she first found out and had ranted to him.

And the rest? The rest has never been in the centre of it all the way he had been, even though he was on the opposite end of it.

“I feel personally responsible for every death at the Manor and Hogwarts,” he says and she blinks.

She nods and he reaches out to wipe the tears away. Her skin is warm against his fingers.

Draco has seen himself and Potter as two sides of the same coin in the years after the war, but the more time passed, the more he had thought that was wrong. In this very moment, he knows he had really been wrong.

His counterpart isn’t Potter, it’s Hermione Granger. Too gifted, too smart and ambitious and feeling responsible too much – but everything else clashes. Be it flying, cats, fashion, books – they always have opposite opinions, but even then, they understand each other in a weird way and it’s a realization Draco wants to take back, lock away somewhere in the back of his head and never consider again. But he won’t be able to, because she knows it too and Granger isn’t one to let go of such things.

“What now?” he asks and pulls his hand back, suddenly feeling really uncomfortable.

“I don’t know,” she says.

Draco wants to say something but nothing comes out so he opens his mouth and closes it again a few times, probably looking like a fish. He doesn’t care.

“Dinner tomorrow?” he asks finally and they are both stunned and he questions his sanity. He said a lot of things he didn’t mean to say during the ride and it makes him doubt himself. It’s uncommon for him to lose control in such a way. Maybe she is right and he simply needed to talk about this and this is his subconsciousness forcing him to as it is long overdue. He doesn’t know.

He hopes that he has fallen asleep and this is just a very weird dream but at the same time he hopes he hasn’t.

“I don’t think dinner is a good idea,” Granger says and Draco’s heart sinks. He definitely wishes now that this is a dream.

“Why not?” he asks, crossing his arms and hoping she doesn’t see how disappointed he is. She has forced him to open up and now that he is willing to, she doesn’t want to spend time with him?

Granger runs a hand through her wild locks. “It would be awkward  - too awkward. How about something else? More casual?” she offers, looking at him uncertainly.

“What do you have in mind?” Draco tilts his head, trying to play it cool. He is giddy inside and he really doesn’t want her to notice. He feels like a teenager asking out his crush for the first time which is absolutely ridiculous as he doesn’t have a crush on Granger. Merlin, he couldn’t even really stand her a few hours earlier.

“How about drinks and a movie?” she asks after a brief pause. “Preferably somewhere private. I hate running from paparazzi.”

“Sure,” Draco says and can’t suppress the smile that spreads over his face.

They spend the remainder of the ride talking about nothing and everything, getting worked up about the question of importance of organized preschool education so much that the driver threatens to kick them out if they don’t shut up..

When they finally arrive in London, she pulls him into an awkward hug and while he wants to run away, he forces himself to return it.

When she pulls away, he musters all the courage he has and kisses her cheek. She slaps him and immediately starts to apologize.

“You’ve warned me about not touching you without your consent,” he shrugs, rubbing his cheek. They have a lot of issues they need to work out, but Draco is positive that they can with the help of the other.

Please reblog and/or comment if you liked this. Exposure means the world to writers.

[ileolai]

I’m a bit nervous about posting this, because it’s a big nerdy splurge about Doctor Who, and why it is so very important to me, and there is quite personal stuff in it that I have never posted publicly, but. It’s a little over a day out from the finale, and I can’t not talk about something that totally consumed me for seven years.

When I say personal stuff, I mean stuff like suicidal ideation and mental illness, so there’s a content warning.

I wish Steven Moffat, and everyone else who has poured their lovely hearts into making this show, could know what it has done for me.

I've found it somewhat difficult to pinpoint what my favourite episode of Moffat era Who should be. It puzzled me for quite a while. Not because there are no tremendously stellar episodes that stand above all the rest -- there are quite a few of those to pick over. In terms of actual writing skill, narrative cohesion, magnificent direction and all that pretentious stuff, it would have to be Heaven Sent. I could watch that episode over and over again until the heat death of the Universe. 

But I think my actual favourite episode, the one nearest and dearest to my little anarchist care bear heart, has to be The Beast Below. The one with the whale that was technically more up in space than it was below. I realize fandom consensus does not consider it the pinnacle of Moffat’s storytelling, but I don’t care. The ideas in that episode, and it is so full of lovely ideas, are what made me sit up and start paying attention to the potential this show had. 

Specifically, what got me was what it said about child abuse and neglect as an essential cog in the machine of fascism, or something. Which I had never, in my whole entire life, seen so earnestly articulated on TV before-- in a children’s television show-- with a goddamn whale. I can pinpoint that as the exact moment this show snatched me and hurled me, screaming, into fandom.

[Later, A Christmas Carol would draw big red underlines and exclamation points all around these ideas... that's my other favourite episode. But The Beast Below did it first and hooked me.] 

There’s more to it besides that, though. This is the deeply personal emotional context stuff.

So, here is something you may or may not know about the nerd creature that is me. I was quite homeless at the time The Beast Below aired. And I had nothing -- literally nothing, you see. I was in a totally unfamiliar city in a fairly unfamiliar country, post-psychotic break, post-marriage-engagement breakdown, and I was more alone than I'd ever been -- and I'd been your standard lonely friendless geek my whole life, being Autistic, and what have you. I had just escaped an incredibly abusive, toxic group of people upon realization they were not so much a group of friends, but a cult. Yes, an actual cult! I was in one of those. I was also very, very ill with an immune disorder. And the only member of my family who ever accepted me, the only one actually still talking to me after I gave my narcissistic rage monster mother the finger, had just died of cancer.  This had all occurred across the space of, oh... one year? Almost entirely within 2009, leading into 2010. I was a wreck. And if you piled all this nonsense on a fictional character all at once, I'd probably say you were being gratuitous and change the channel. I was too miserable to even know how miserable I was-- just sort of wandering around in a dissociated haze, surviving entirely by the instincts of my autonomic nervous system. A good friend of mine described it to me later as ''you were sort of frozen'', and she was right. So. I downloaded the space whale episode over a wi-fi connection, illegally, on an ancient computer, in a library [haha how appropriate is that?] because I quite liked all the other Doctor Whos I had seen before, and this new writer fella had done Press Gang, a fond highlight of my otherwise wretched childhood. 

I watched Amy Pond and the Doctor cavorting around dystopian space Britain, having casual conversations about the nature of fascism, in a show marketed to 10 year olds. My sad little eyes pressed right up to the computer screen, irradiating my retinas, and I whispered: ''I've waited 20 years for My Show, and someone finally wrote it. It even has a mad ginger immigrant in it, and she's me. The Universe made this just for me.''

It also had a whale, and the whale was in space. 

And that is how I was propelled into my seven year character arc, my precious nerds. Because this show, from series 5 onwards, has done more for me than anything else on the planet. And I don't care how ridiculous it sounds to attribute my self-actualization to a goofy TV show about loveable alien miscreants saving space whales, because it's true. It took a while, but I learned what I actually value and what actually properly matters to me through this show. Or rather, I re-learned it, because I'd become so lost chasing approval and moulding myself to other people's perceptions to withstand their abuse, I didn't know what I was anymore. 

This show, and this goddamn fandom, helped me pull all the chopped up little bits of me back together more than any therapy or self-help nonsense I had tried. I went back to university and got serious about doing actual work, in part, because ''we're all just stories in the end... make it a good one.'' kept looping in my brain. It made me determined that my life could never be summed up with a single sentence like: ''He was sad and boring, and he wasted away in his apartment -- achieving nothing, leaving no trace''. 

[I still don’t get out much, to be honest. But I’m trying. At the very least, my epic marathon through 500 wildly divergent university degrees says something, yes? Maybe I can set the official record for ‘’the world’s most reluctant to graduate student’’.] 

Anyway. This show, this fandom... gave me so much. It gave me my voice as a creator of things, as a writer, and an analyzer, and it gave me people like me, real and fictional, people I didn’t even know existed anywhere. 

And you know…. this is heavy stuff again-- but it honestly gave me the motivation to get through to another weekend sometimes, when I was apathetic enough and in enough physical pain to contemplate not doing that. It really did. I didn't want to miss an episode of Doctor bloody Who, arthritis and schizophrenia and poverty be damned, and that kept me here. There were points, where one of the few things that restrained me from taking a decisive dose of Oxycontin, was River Song's storyline. I'm serious. And as shameful as that probably is, it's still better than being dead, and not getting to watch Doctor Who anymore. 

Cuz Doctor Who had a whale in it, right? A great big pink whale filled with benevolent intentions, and it was in space, and everybody hugged at the end, on top of the whale, after overthrowing the government! Moffat Who came out of the gate telling ten year olds ‘’OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT’’! I needed that with all my aching nerd heart. The Universe made it for me.

And then they put queer characters in it, and mentally ill characters, and abuse survivors, like me, and it valued them, and it valued children. And then there was River Song, and hugs, and self acceptance, and found families, and sparkles all around, and Bill Potts. And a big Jungian tapestry of meta and mythology. Just for me. There was nothing else on TV like it.

So now here we are, the eve of the final episode of series 10, which I have slobbered and fawned over almost as much as series 5, the one that grabbed me. And... I’m kind of terrified, to be honest. Because all the connections I made here, are so tied up in this show, and talking about this show, and picking apart this specific era of the show... I’m afraid I won't have anything to talk about anymore? and I'll drift apart from my friends, and…. never have something quite like this lovely little hive of internet debauchery and meta and space whales ever again. 

That actually scares me so much. Some of you have been here nearly a whole seven years, longer than almost anyone else in my life, apart from my husband, and I am grateful the vast and mysterious machinations of the Universe dumped us all together in the seething hell-pit of fandom. Those of you who have not yet run screaming into the night from my 957 daily posts about Doctor Who... you don't know how much you have helped me, and brighten my day, just by existing.

Yes, even Proton, who is old, and frequently incorrect, and a cyborg. And Elisi, who speaks utter nonsense that confuses my head. Really. I know my primary method of interacting with people is emphatically, and tactlessly, listing every single way they are wrong about things, but I do occassionally have actual emotions like ‘’appreciation’’. 

Do not worry, though. This audaciously out-of-character display of sincerity will now be deleted from your memory. 

Gone? Good. 

So it's been seven wonderful transformative years for me, and the Doctor Who they made just for lil gay anarchist crazy pants care-bear me is ending forever soon. I mean... there will always be Doctor Who, and it will always be Doctor Who, of course. It will be there at the heat death of the Universe, while I’m still salivating over the utter perfection of Heaven Sent. And a sentient gas cloud in a jar will be running it, or something-- because the show has gained its own level of quasi-sentience, furiously transcended all sensible laws of television, and refuses to die.

But the Moffat era came into my life right when I needed it, and it changed me, and I can’t imagine any other era can be that personal to me. It won’t be my Doctor Who anymore. 

Steven Moffat doesn’t know I exist, and yet, has tormented my televisual experiences since I could barely even comprehend television. I have him to thank for two glorious book-ends to my childhood and adolescence: Press Gang, and Doctor Who. Thank you so much, Moffat, you scheming Scottish bastard. Thank you for everything. 

I don’t think I would be the sort of person I am now without this damn show, it’s fandom, and its unapologetic, space whale flavoured idealism. I honestly just wouldn’t be.

[beautiful-rebellious-sunflower]

EPISODE FIVE TWILIGHT’S LAST GLEAMING HERE WE GOOOO

buckle in kids this is gonna be a long one

goddd why did I stop right before this episode last time I am not nearly drunk enough to handle this yet

I love how fucking proud the show obviously is of that two headed deer to have it in the goddamn opening every time

ew Clarke and Finn is still a thing (also what’s with the candles? why are there always so many candles readily available post apocalypse??)

oh my gosh Abby curled up and coughing in her prison cell...also the line which I TOTALLY NEVER NOTICED BEFORE when Jaha says that the entire prison block has been on half oxygen since midnight like WOAH BRUTAL

honestly this whole scene between Abby and Jaha is SO FUCKING INTENSE god season one was amazing, seriously if you haven’t seen this episode for a while just go watch that one scene it’s INCREDIBLE

please can we have a callback to Raven’s ‘don’t let me blow up’ in season four with the new space pod pls and thanku

oh season one Shirtless Threesome Bellamy™

Doctor Abby with the little girl MY HEARTTTTTTTTT

lmao I always kind of forget that Bellamy just straight up tried to murder Jaha off-screen before season one even starts like can u imagine how much trouble they would have saved if he had succeeded

godddd their whole initial plans for the Culling is so...it’s so genuinely fucking chilling, the way they’re going to do it and make it look like an accident...

‘You have a strength not weakened by sentiment’ SHUT THE FUCK UP THELONIUS YOU HAVE LITERALLY NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT

Raven seeing the ground for the first time <3<3<3

oh what’s that coming crashing through the undergrowth it’s FINN COLLINS HERE TO RUIN EVERYTHING AS USUAL

ohmygosh tiny angry hurricane Abby storming into Jaha’s room and cutting through his pretentious bullshit is everything I want from life <3

the way she practically spits the words ‘Chancellor Kane’ godddd I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry

season one Abby is such a goddamn superhero I really miss her being such a main character?? like she was pretty much equal in screentime to Clarke for most of this season and it was amazing tbh

also: how many times do you think Abby Griffin watched Jake’s message to their people as she sat alone in their room after his death? because honestly just thinking about it is hurting me

Bellamy’s face when he hears Jaha isn’t dead though, like...congrats on your acting Bob Morley it’s kind of amazing??

can you imagine being a citizen on the Ark though, and seeing Councillor Griffin sending out a desperate message warning you of the very truth that got her husband executed, even as the guards break down the door to take her away? She must be such a fucking HERO to them and honestly I kind of wish more was made of it later on

“This will cause a riot.” “Good. Maybe we need one.” ABBY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I LITERALLY CANNOT TAKE IT

oh shit here come the feels

it’s basically just me crying from now on

as a side note: god, Marcus Kane is such a better man than he thinks he is and it honestly tears me up inside

noooooo

oh shit it’s the moment that made me ship kabby with the power of a thousand fiery suns

His little smile. Her genuine heartfelt gratitude. MY SOUL EXPLODING

the way he looks at her for just a beat too long after she’s already looked away just leave me here to die

in other news, I’ve been screaming ‘NOOOOO’ a lot at the screen and my cat looks pretty concerned

jesus this never quite clicked with me before but that moment when Abby and Jackson go into the room afterwards...it’s doctors, they’re with a little group of doctors who are all going in to check that everyone in there is actually dead oh god they’ve got to go through every single one of those bodies and...god...

this is so brutal

oh hey randomly creepy season one Lincoln being really melodramatic and confusing for no reason

Abby drinking from that flask is still really really hot to me

...that’s a weird note to leave this on

season one is so good this episode is so good and I need a lot more wine

[imsarabum]

Responses to {Part 18} I Won’t Stop You // Jeon Jungkook, Vampire!AU Asks~

Please ‘Keep Reading’ to find my response to your ask ^^ As always, I have copied and pasted all asks into this post in regards to last night’s chapter to avoid clogging up people’s dashboards and to avoid spoilers for those who may still wish to read the chapter. Thank you ^^ 

@im-that-chesire-jax said: “…i-it’s Dracula!”  OH MY GOD IM CRYING RIGHT NOW??? WHY AM I CRYING YOU CANT LEAVE IT AS A CLIFFHANGER LIKE THAT (I mean you can, you just did) BUT I AM AMAZED BY YOUR WRITING I WILL BE ITCHING FOR NEXT WEEK TOU COME.

Thank you babe! I’m happy you liked it and that you’re looking forward to next week c:

@takura-rin said: Ahhh, the new chapter was so awesome ;; I’ll almost forgot that the update was today.. I’m so exited whats happening next ;;

I’m glad you remembered that the update was today! hehe, thank you so much for reading it :)

@mysr3 said: Saraaa OMG WHAT HAVE U DONE! My heart just stopped at the ending(screams) can’t wait for next chapter. Well done love❤️ ahhh plz will there be drama in next chapter. Even Yoongi’s character is evil but he is my bias, hope his character is somehow okay. I love the part when JK introduced Y/N to his family, interesting encounter n well explained details. U portrayed him such cute little boy who needs his mum to help with revealing his secrets. I screamed when he announced Y/N his partner n GF ><

A cute little boy haha yes! I guess even Vampires can be nervous when introducing their gf to their parents. But even more so for Jungkook because his gf is a human and he is a royal Vampire heh~ Thank you so much for reading the chapter my love!

@animeimmortal said: “lovely. Oh thats lovely. Awwww that’s nice. ^^ . Great looking party. what. What. WhAT. FUCK. WHAT. SHIT. WAT. FAK. WHHAAAAAAAT. oh shit.” I Won’t Stop You part 18 - a summary (cont.) also: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMN BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHH

What a perfect summary! hahaha~ I really hope you enjoyed it and thank you so much for reading it!

Anonymous said: OH MY GOD IT WAS SO GOOD!!! I may or may not have laughed when she said “it’s Dracula,” but I can’t wait until the next part! There’s something about your writing that draws the reader in, and I feel as if I’m really in the story. You describe things in such a way that it’s like it’s happening to me, and I’m feeling the same things that they’re feeling in the story. You’re so talented and I hope that, if you enjoy it, you never stop writing because you’re so amazing at it.

Ahhhh thank you so so much! It’s so good to hear that you can really feel all the emotion as if you are truly there. You’re so sweet and kind and yes, I really do enjoy writing so I won’t be stopping! haha thank you for reading and messaging me too :)

Anonymous said: Oh dear I’m not gonna survive the next chapter am I? Please have mercy and don’t kill me entirely, you’ve already done half the job in this chapter

Hmmm I wonder c: hehe thank you so much for reading and despite being half dead, I hope you enjoyed the chapter!

Anonymous said: WHY DO YOU DO THE THINGS YOU DO!? DO YOU KNOW HOW AMAZING YOUR STORY IS!? DO YOU KNOW KNOW HOW MUCH STRESS AND PTSD IT GIVES!? THIS IS AMAZING AND THE CLIFFHANGER AND EVERYTHING JUST URGHHHHHHHH

I apologise for any stress and PTSD caused! D: You’re welcome for the cliffhanger :P It seems I’ve caused a little distress with it - whoops :) hehe thank you so much for reading the chapter!

Anonymous said: Omg just read the new chapter and I don’t know how u do it. I literally felt like I was feeling her every emotion, like seriously you should have seen me, I was shaking in my chair from the anxiety! I love your work and will continue to follow you and read everything you write!! LOVE YOU XXX

Awww poor babe but I’m glad I could make you feel the emotions she was feeling in the chapter! Thank you so much my love and I greatly appreciate that ^^ I love you too!!

@omelys-space said: OH MY LORD THINGS WILL GET REAL NOW !!! Holy Shit I am so excited 😍 And Jungkook is such a babe man I wish I could date someone like him such a gentleman  Protect your girl!  So cute and Taehyung and Jimin just yes 😍 Thank you for this update it is amazing and a huge thank you for updating every week ❤❤❤❤

I know right when will I ever had a protective Vampire boyfriend to keep me safe from evil Vamps like Yoongi :c hehe~ Thank you so much my love and I’m so happy that you enjoyed it!

@semisweetsuga said: AAAAAAAAAAA THAT WAS. SUCH A GOOD CHAPTER I’M DECEASED AHHHHHHHH

HELLO KOTO THANK YOU BABU I’M HAPPY THAT YOU WERE THOROUGHLY SHOOK

Anonymous said: OK I’VE JUST FINISHED IT AND OMG CAN YOU NOT WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LEAVE IT ON SUCH A CLIFFHANGER although on a calmer note I’m so so so happy we’re now getting to the actual climax of the story 🎉🎉 - silent anon (cont.) Aside from being more-hyped-than-necessary for next week already, I also can’t wait to see how the rest of Jungkook’s family are going to react to OC calling Yoongi ‘Dracula’ - silent anon (not so silent anymore) (cont.) Also Happy Valentines !!! And I want to second what jiminiespinkie was saying about you being better that many published writers - she is 100% correct, you’re such a good writer you could honestly just get a writing career right now. I hope you were just being modest when you said you’ve got a long way to go before publication, and that you’re well aware of and are completely confident in how good of a writer you are - silent anon (So sorry for the spam, I keep forgetting to add things 😷)

You think this is the climax of the story?….that’s…interesting. c: Thank you so much for reading and I hope you’ll enjoy next weeks as much as this weeks! And yes, Happy Valentines Day to you too (even tho it’s not Valentines Day any more now but I still got a lot of love to give lol) And in regards to the publishing idea, I HAVE looked into different options, but tbh it makes me so anxious haha. Like, it feels really pretentious of me to actually charge money for people to read what I write. Like real talk, I would feel really weird asking people like even for £1 for a book lol but who knows what will happen in the future. Maybe you’ll see a published author called Sara Eren in 10 years time or something haha. Thank you so much for your lovely and encouraging words, they really made me happy and I smiled so much ^^ You’re so wonderful!

@jauntyjin said: I CABT FUCKING WAIT U TIL NEXT TUESDAY TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS

YAY I HOPE YOU’LL ENJOY NEXT WEEK’S UPDATE TOO! :D Thank you so much :D

Anonymous said: Happy Valentines Day Sara! ❤️ Your writing is something I live for, and I’m so blessed you’re blessing us with a new chapter of “I Won’t Stop You” on this day ✨✨

Happy Valentines Day lovely anon! You’re so welcome and thank you so much for reading it in return ❤️

@moonlighthollow said: Ok first of all I’m SO impressed on how well described &matching(if that’s even a word to describe someone idek😂) your characters are,i mean i can totally imagine taehyung being like this even tho he isn’t gay(･ิω･ิ)but his behavior, the way he talks &the way you describe his expressions are SO on point idk if that makes any sense😂besides of that i love this story so much i think it’s my fav. Story of all so far cause it’s so well written &researched😍& OMG I’M DYING YOONGIS PART IS NEXT OMFG

I’m really happy to know that you think everything is well described ^^ Don’t worry, it makes perfect sense! I understand completely what you’re saying hehe ^^ Thank you so much my darling and I hope you’ll like next week’s update too! :D

Anonymous said: Oke-No. I’m not okay. You know, I’d want to hit u, but that’s not nice and u are SUCH AN AMAZING WRITER. So I’ll just go into cardiac arrest until next monday. Bye.  R.I.P

Pls don’t hit me I’m very small and unaggressive and I’d probably cry my eyes out lolol Thank you so much! I’m really glad you liked(?) the chapter haha! Thank you again my love ^^

@wonderful39530 said: If I could have a pic that could express how I’m feeling about chapter 18 on I Wont Stop You lets just say it’ll be all over the place!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!

Awwwww thank you so much babe! Thank you for enjoying it and reading it, that means so much to me ^^ Stay awesome my dear!

@hayley797-blog said: You killed me.You killed my non existent heart.I wish you could update sooner I can’t wait a whole week…but I guess I just have to wait.Omg I loveee your stories

I apologise for killing you *tries to bring you back to life) haha :c I wish I could update more often too but it takes time to write each chapter unfortunately! Thank you so much babe, I’m so happy that you’re enjoying it!

@fashionkilla124 said: THATS IT IM SELLING MY SOUL TO KFC FOR 5 DOLLARS I CANT NOOO YOONGI WHY

NO DON’T SELL YOUR SOUL TO KFC. SELL IT TO ME INSTEAD. ;D

Anonymous said: Ah I love your writing! Do you know how many chapters might be in IWSY so I know the date I will die? Fighting!

Thank you so much darling!! And no, I’m sorry but I have no idea how many chapters there will be!

@audreymv said: IM NOT READY OMG WHO JUST WALKED IN???? Omg i am on edge and like beautiful. Your writing makes me want to cry and i might just like how. You are so amazing Sara. How dare I not read this for 1 week like. This is my favorite series and you are one of my favorite writers, too. Why are you so amazing. Just i am so overwhelmed. Like please let something not go wron

YOU DON’T KNOW WHO JUST WALKED IN??? xD Ahhh don’t worry about not reading for one week, it’s okay! You can always come back to here because it’s not going anywhere! Thank you so much my love, you’re so sweet and lovely to me and I really appreciate it more than I can describe ^^ Thanks for reading and I hope you’ll enjoy next weeks’ chapter too! :D

Anonymous said: And yet again you slayed me with your amazing writing skills, seriously, you never fail to make me happy every single thursday -cat anon

Hello Cat anon! Yay, I’m so happy it slayed you hehe~ ^^ I’m so happy I can make you happy every single week and I hope I can continue to do that for you as the story continues as well! Thank you so much my dear :D

Anonymous said: I’M MAD AT YOU BUT I REALLY LOVE YOU AT THE SAME TIME BUT LIKE SERIOUSLY YOU CANT JUST END THE CHAPTER LIKE THAT BC AAAHHHHHSMJISMID. IDMMXKSM C M J. SKAK,SMIC. IWSY IS GREAT KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK

PLEASE DON’T BE MAD AT ME ;; It seems I’ve caused a few people some distress with my cliffhangers once again, but…it’s fun :P I’m innocent I swear! heheh thank you so much for reading the chapter my dear it means a lot to me!^^

Anonymous said: hOLY FREAKING SHIT. THAT ENDING WITH THE GUYS (Yoongi, Jhope, Rapmon and Jin right?) LEFT ME DYING I WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT OMGOMGOMG I HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER WEEK??!?!?!? I WONT SURVIVE I HAVE TO KNOWWWWWWWW

DING DING DING WE HAVE A WINNER! lolol c: You’ll have to survive another week to find out my love, but thank you so much for reading and I hope you’ll enjoy it again next week! :D

Anonymous said: OMG THAT CHAPTER I’M CRYING IT WAS SO GOOD also I’m a Lil confused so like what must one do to become a full vampire?? Like what was it that made jimin so relieved?

Thank you so much my love! And in regards to Jimin, I guess you’ll just have to wait for the story to explain as the chapters continue! Sorry, no spoilers ;D

Anonymous said: FUCK👏 ME👏 UP 👏WITH 👏THIS👏 NEW 👏CHAPTER 👏 Like I swear whenever Jungkook gets all playful I DIE! And that Yoongi reveal at the end literally is so great to the plotline. I swear you are one of the best writers out here and thanks for taking your time with such a masterpiece 😊

Yessssssss I’m so happy to know that! And ikr right? Playful and flirty VampKook got me feeling so hmhmmgkflmgspg lolol c: Thank you so much for your wonderful words, they mean the world and more to me, you have no idea ^^

Anonymous said: Your fanfic is amazing, I really love your writing, pls write some smutty blood sucking thnk u <3

I may or may not have a Jackson Wang oneshot Vampire!AU planned in the future~~ blood sucking smut included heh~ But you didn’t hear that from me! c: Thank you so much my love ^^

Anonymous said: SARA NOOOOOOOO. WHY YOU DO THIS?? I’ve been literally dying for jungkook to tell y/n what he really is omg I wanna know what’s gonna happen to them. AND NOW YOONGI SHOWS UP?? AND SHE RECOGNIZES HIM OMG. CRAP IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN. PLUS I WANNA KNOW WHAT Y/N IS OMGOMGOMG STAAAHHPP. How are you such a good writer omg.  - 7:45 anon

Hello again 7:45 anon! I’m so happy to know that I caused you a great deal of panic with this chapter :D hehe~ Thank you so much for reading and I hope next week’s update can evoke the same feelings, too :3 I hope you’re having a great week!

Anonymous said: SARA!!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU STOP THERE OH MY GOD!!!! I FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS GONNA BEAT OUT OF MY CHEST PLEASE TELL ME WHATS GONNA HAPPEN!!! IT WAS ALL GOING SO WELL AND THEN BAM THE D R A M A ABOUT TO UNFOLD

It’s always most calm before the storm c: Hehe I hope you enjoyed reading the chapter and thank you so much for reading it! ^^

Anonymous said: Tuesday is so far away 😩. How could you end it there oml. This is not a cliffhanger if I’m being thrown over the edge already. Great job great job. Tuesday can’t get here fast enough

Awww I’m so sorry my lil babes :c *pulls you off the cliff* it’s okay~ hehe Thank you so much and I hope that you’ll enjoy the next chapter!

@sehkii said: ooomg i love i won’t stop you sm and the way you right just??? blows my mind??? likE HOW??? i love how you’ve kept us on edge with everything going on and i think i figured what the mc is? at least what she can do? i mean you basically put it out there in the newest chapter but i’m pretty sure the mc speeds up the vampire transition time? aND THE REASON YOONGI WANTS HER IS TO CREATE AN ARMY OF VAMPIRES TO GET BACK AT THE JEONS??? THis is my theory but honestly i’m ready for anything fuck me up

Yes - it certainly appears that it is one of the powers that her ‘condition’ is made up of. But, I wonder if there is a deeper reason or meaning to it? Hm? c: Your deduction is clever and on the right path, so thank you for being so observant and picking up on that aspect, it makes me smile so much as the writer to see that :D Thank you also for reading it and messaging me afterwords with your theory, I enjoyed it quite a lot ;D hehe^^

Anonymous said: IM JUNGSHOOK. CHAPTER 18 GOT ME ALL THE WAY F***ED UP (excuse my language) LIKE EVERYONE IS LIKE 'Aye party lit af’ then it’s like *doors swing open* 'omfg ashdvnglf he’s arrived* and I’m just sad and lonely and upset but still extremely happy and in love with you. But like why you do dis. We have to wait a whole week to see what happens next. I love you 💜 ~LilKookie Anon

Hello LilKookie anon! LOL AYE PARTY LIT AF hahaha I laughed too much at that - why did I imagine Namjoon screaming that when I read it? xD Please don’t be sad and lonely, I’m always here for you ^^ and I love you too! Thank you so much for reading it and enjoying it my love, it means a lot to me! ^^

Anonymous said: Hey, I just wanted to let you know that your fics are still part of my self care routine. It’s Tuesday nights now :) Love your writing!!! - self-care anon

Hello self-care anon! Long time no talk my dear, how are you keeping? Have you been taking care of yourself? I hope so! And YAY I’m so glad I can still be a part of your self-care routine ^^ Thank you so much my love!

Anonymous said: I. AM. SCREAMING. OH MY GOSH. When she started chatting with the family I thought “oh man, what if Suga comes.” AND THEN AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. NO NO NO. Lolol Serrena super confused though. “what’s wrong wth the human???” Wow. You can’t just end it there!!!!! Wow. I am, wow. WOWOWOWOWOWOOWOW. Help. #IWSY

Lol yes! Because Serrena has no idea that the reader even knows who Yoongi is! The only people who know of her past thus far is Jungkook, Taehyung and Jimin bc of the Montgomery’s essentially fucking up and not realising that there was a young girl being left without parents too…:c Thank you so much for reading the chapter my love and I’m so happy you enjoyed it!

Anonymous said: OH SHIT ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE. THEY WERE GONNA TELL HER WHAT THEY WERE BUT FUCK YOONGI WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUNGKOOK WILL KILL YOU ALL THE JEONS REALLY. JUNGKOOK MUST BE SO CONFLICTED LIKE KILL YOONGI OR STAN WITH YN TO PROTECT HER. AND YN OH SHIT SHE IS GONNA PISS HER PANTS, FOR A GOOD REASONS. SARA I’M FUCKED UP SHIT OMG NO THIS CLIFFHANGER WRECKED ME I’VE SAID I NEED TUESDAY TO COME BUT NO NOW I REALLY REALLY NEED TUESDAY TO COME OMG POOR YN. JUNGKOOK FIX IT TTUTT OMG I’M SCREAMING SARA AHH

I APOLOGISE FOR WRECKING YOU WITH THE CLIFFHANGER BUT LETS BE HONEST YOU SHOULD EXPECT THAT FROM ME BY NOW ;D lolol Thank you for reading and again I apologise for any distress I caused with the cliffhanger muhahaha c:

@coppertopging said: AHFBEKDIVHNEKSIFNGNEKWFHRJR!!!! YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF CLIFFHANGERS!!! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!??! *proceeds to ugly sob* i don’t like you right now…

*bows* yes, that I am ;D PLEASE LOVE ME I PROMISE I’M NOT THE EVIL CLIFFHANGER QUEEN I CLAIM TO BE :c lolol But…I hope you enjoyed it? xD Thank you for reading my love ^^

Anonymous said: HOW DARE YOU YOONGI OMG

*shakes fist* DAMN THAT RASCAL

Anonymous said: SARA I LOVE  YOUU THANK U SO MUCH FOR TGIS SERIE OMG THIS SO GOOD I NEED A DRINK

I LOVE YOU TOO AND YOU’RE WELCOME THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING - also, I take no responsibility for driving anyone to alcoholism due to my stories :x

@fragmentedxmemory said: OMG I Won’t Stop You is an AMAZING story!!! Holy cow so much emotion in the last chapter!!! I’m in love with this story and I’m in love with your writing talent. Keep up the great work and can’t wait for part 19. 😍😍😍👌🏽👌🏽

Hello lovely! Thank you so much for your wonderful words, and I’m so happy that you’re enjoying the story so far ^^ Thank you for reading and I hope you’ll enjoy the next one too!

Anonymous said: Jungkook: talks about how precious the reader is to him  Me: *is a crying mess*

Fun fact; my mum reads these chapters before I post them and she was a crying mess at that part. She thought it was so endearing of him to say and it made her very emotional aww c: Thank you for reading my dear!

@jynxy24 said: NEWEST CHAPTER MADE ME- URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I couldn’t wait for school to be over. Hahaha, I’ll have to study for an exam now, thanks so much for this amazong chapter, Sara! ^^

Ahhh Jynxy thank you so much for reading babe! I hope you can study well but don’t overwork yourself either! I hope you do well in your exam my love :D

Anonymous said: I LOVE THIS CHAPTER SO MUCH I’M SCREAMING - wedding anon

HELLO MY LOVE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING I’M SO HAPPY YOU LOVED IT :D

Anonymous said: (IWSY is amazing my every message is by default talking about that haha) ANW thanks to you Sara I actually looked into got7 and Guess who just found a new bias 🌚 Choi youngjae 💙  -eggyook anon

Hello eggyook anon! Thank you so very much for reading the chapter and enjoying it ^^ You’re so awesome! AND OH MY GOD REALLY THAT’S AMAZING YES YOUNGJAE IS SUCH A PERFECT RAY OF SUNSHINE HE WILL FILL YOUR DAYS WITH ENDLESS LAUGHTER AND RADIANT LIGHT you made an excellent choice c: I’m so happy you could look into them because of me, that makes me so so happy c:

Anonymous said: IM SCREECHING YO THAT CLIFF HANGER THO HOW DARE U. THIS SHIT REALLY BUTTERS MY EGG ROLL U KNOW. IM SO HYPE FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER OML. I WANNA CRI FML. Also ilysm and I hope you’re happy and healthy ok bye 💕

“That shit really butters my egg roll” I’M FUCKING DYING NO STOP I LITERALLY PEED NO I HSDBGSKJDNGSN oh ym god i can’t breathe that fucked me up I’m using that in my own life now thank you so much for this eloquent expression LOL thank you so much for reading the chapter and I love you too! I hope you’re having an amazing week and I hope you are also happy and healthy my dear ^^

@cynicalspacehoe said: Oh. My. God. Chapter 18 had me extremely shook to say the least. Amazing job as always!

Thank you so much my dear I’m so happy you liked it! ^^

Anonymous said: Omg I.. The newest chapter of IWSY was amazing! It made me feel all kinds of things. I was so happy and nervous and terrified (and aroused) when the protagonist was feeling those things. UGH. YOURE AMAZING.

Yay I’m so glad you could feel all those wonderful things :3 YOU’RE EVEN MORE AMAZING thank you so much for reading it my love ^^

@ineffabl-y said: EVERYTHING CONNECTS AND MAKE SO MUCH MORE SENSE I’M SCREAMING AHHHHHHHHH🤸🏿‍♀️🤸🏿‍♀️🤸🏿‍♀️🤸🏿‍♀️

Yes yes yes everything will connect and things will all start to be revealed c: Thank you for reading honey! :3

[slumbrslumbrs]

Slumber’s 2017 Writing Round-Up

source: https://trey.dreamwidth.org/584.html 1. Total year-long word count: 56623 (+ 23700 in WIPs, so about 80k \o/)

2. Word count by fandom: Just give it all to BNHA lbr, though I did one Harry Potter fic too

3. Fics completed: 12, plus a bunch of drabbles

4. Works-in-progress: 3, 2 of which I've been avoiding for a month >.>

5. This year I wrote and posted: A LOT-- most of them here

6. Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted? Way, way more. I wasn't planning on writing this year at all-- I'd reached a point in my fandom life where I was pretty set on engaging in canon content primarily, and maybe reading a couple fics here and there. I'd written one thing last year, but hadn't really written since 2013. Then BNHA happened. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

7. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? Uh. I got into a new fandom in the summer, and it's been my main one since, so I definitely did not predict any of that... OH. I wrote a soulmate AU. That was... not super expected, because I really kind of don’t like them in general, but uh... considering I wrote it to subvert the things I didn’t like about it, not at all that unsurprising. 

8. What's your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest? 

It's a toss up.

"show me how to" was one of the easiest things I've ever written, the story as born from the discussion on the kink meme came so fast to me I was compelled to start writing it during my lunch break, lol. And it was written in a day, which means I have no memories of it truly tormenting me. >.> I just had so much fun writing it-- it was silly and a little out there, but I have good memories of it. :3

I also really liked "and my heart went boom", because this was maybe the least pretentious, most self-indulgent thing I'd ever given in to writing. Plus I'd had the idea for a mechanic AU for years, from a different fandom no less, so I was glad I finally got it out of me. (I just like writing disaster queers and their awkward crushes. :3)

9. Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them? Haha, yes, I owned up to the #problematic smut I wrote for the kink meme and posted them to my AO3 account. I debated using a throwaway account for it but at the end of the day, I wanted to be honest about the topics I'd been interested in exploring, even if only for a few words. (I AM A PEOPLE PLEASER IT WAS DIFFICULT TO DO OKAY I'M TRYING TO GIVE FEWER FUCKS.)

10. Your best story of this year: I'm not sure what decides this… I kind of feel like even though I've been pretty happy with most of the stuff I've written, there's always something I wanted to do better/improve every time I reread them? I guess forced to pick, I'd go with "like you're running out of time, like you need it to survive" -- feels a little weird to say the first thing I'd written this year is the best (shouldn't I be improving? >.>) but I think this was also the biggest, most compelling story I'd had to write? Like, most of the things I wanted to say about Kiribaku are in this fic, and it's the most closely aligned to canon (minus that hospital scene >.>) which IDK, feels like it counts for something.

11. Your most popular story of this year: I guess going by kudos/hit count it's "the world you keep erasing", but I feel like I've heard the most good things for "domestic life was never quite my style" (it has more comment threads and bookmarks)?

12. Story of yours most under-appreciated by the universe, in your opinion: Uhhhh I'm a rare pair writer, so I feel like those are underappreciated. XD But I guess of my rare pair fics I wish more people tried "diametrically opposed" (which is Rappa/Fatgum FRAPPA) and "wonders great and small" (which is Tetsudenki).

13. Most fun story to write: Oh. >.> "show me how to" for sure. I also really enjoyed writing "wonders great and small", mostly because the ending was super clear to me from the beginning and I was so motivated to get there.

14. Story with the single sexiest moment: Hahaha nothing no story I don't write sexy. >.>

15. Most "Holy crap, that's wrong, even for you" story: OH yeah I put up a bunch, they're in "hate the sin", which is a collection of 1-sentence fills for the kink meme that specifically had some, uh, questionable pairs. Sorry. >.>

16. Story that shifted your own perceptions of the characters: "show me how to" -- I hadn't really shipped Erasermic prior to this, and I actually wasn't planning to write this as Erasermic when it started. But Mic was a disaster and the casual pining slipped in, and oops now I love them.

17. Hardest story to write: "the world you keep erasing" -- I think every part of this story was a struggle to put down.

18. Biggest disappointment: I don't really know that there is one. This year I've written primarily for myself, and honestly more the reverse, I've been incredibly surprised and taken aback by the response I've gotten? Even with rare pairs, which I pretty much expect to get very little attention, get some really great feedback.

19. Biggest surprise: "and my heart went boom" -- this is like. Pure self-indulgence, I didn't expect this to get the feedback it did bc it was just. Thirsting. And not smutty. And not particularly emotional or ~deep~.  

20. Most unintentionally telling story: I don't know if it was unintentional, but I pulled a lot of my own experiences (with failures/setbacks) for "like you're running out of time, like you need it to survive".

ALSO in general nearly every fic I wrote was a love letter to Kirishima, so uhhhhh it’s very telling in that way. >.>

21. Favorite opening line(s):

Katsuki doesn't remember a world without color. (from "the world you keep erasing")

The last thing Shouto expects to be doing on a Tuesday morning is to get caught in a screaming match with a guy from Support. (from "fan this spark into a flame")

22. Favorite closing line(s): I'm less happy with my closing lines, uhhhh, so maybe The knighting business is beginning to look up. (from "wonders great and small")

23. Favorite 5 line(s) from anywhere:

And Katsuki thinks: Kirishima would have taken anyone's hand. - like you're running out of time, like you need it to survive

What Kirishima does is this: a week after saving his soulmate from a flying car, he asks her out for coffee. - the world you keep erasing

When he's deep in thought, it strips the shine and varnish away to reveal the sturdy, honest core lying beneath. - soldier boys, tripping over themselves

It strikes Yamada then, the irony of it all, Yamada receiving the best orgasm of his life from the combined efforts of a virgin and an asexual. - show me how to

That's not the right butt. - and my heart went boom (<.<)

24. Top 5 scenes from anywhere you would choose to have illustrated:

Not quite a scene, but mechanic!Kirishima and Bakugou's very obvious thirst, please. XD (and my heart went boom)

Bakugou and the Class A girls making chocolate. (domestic life was never quite my style)

Kaminari, Tetsutetsu, and a campfire kiss. (wonders great and small)

Any of the scenes where Frappa are eating, to be honest. (diametrically opposed)

Midoriya with a flamethrower against the ice monsters. (fan this spark into a flame)

25. Fic-writing goals for next year: I would like to finish the multi-chapter WIP I've been working on since November (I'm, uh, gonna have to re-write majority of it, oops). That's really the big one. The rest is just to continue having fun, remembering to write for myself, and being okay with taking writing breaks.