#every possible match i could make would be a new to me pairing soooooooo. yikes

[mylittleredgirl]

in thirty seconds before the bell signup for smut4smut while @anretc lovingly screamed in my whatsapp notifications i did carefully make sure i was matchable and yet somehow did not request a single solitary star trek.

i did read every additional tag possible last night and got the list of all the nominated pairings in all the series but then my day went sideways anndnddndnd here we are. trekless.

[chicgeekgirl89]

Partied Out

Prompt: Too many holiday parties.

@densi-mber

I enjoyed writing this story IMMENSELY. I cannot stop laughing. These two are too much!

“How the hell did we get roped into going to three parties in one day?” Deeks asked as he attempted to open the car door while juggling three bottles of wine in carefully selected gift bags.

“Well, you said yes to your mom’s party without telling me,” Kensi said, shoving an armload of clothes into the backseat.

“Oh come on! You said yes to Tiffani P.’s party without telling me!”

“Not true. I told you about that party a month ago. You forgot.”

“Because you didn’t tell me to write it down! I thought it was like a hypothetical possibility. Not a set in stone plan.”

“Well it was. And then Nell and Eric scheduled their party and we can’t skip that one so here we are.” Kensi poked her earrings into place as she slid into the driver’s seat. “Did you get the gifts for the white elephant?”

“They’re in the trunk. Are you sure we have to wear these?” Deeks looked down at his sweater, which sported the word “Naughty” in capital letters and an assortment of ugly pompoms.

Kensi pulled at the neck of her own sweater, which had the matching “Nice” and pompoms. “Yeah. It said on the invitation.”

“My only consolation is that whatever Eric’s wearing it will be worse than this.”

“Oh, absolutely,” Kensi said fervently as she pulled out of the driveway.

Nell and Eric’s Ugly Sweater Party began at 4:00pm. They would stay for an hour and a half before heading to Roberta’s Christmas dinner and escape just in time to hang out with the Cupcake Girls at Tiffani P.’s “White Christmas Extravaganza.”

They arrived at Nell’s loft at exactly 4:03pm. “We’re three minutes behind schedule,” Deeks said as they hustled to the front door.

“I know, I know!” Kensi said. “That’s the wrong wine!”

“Damn it!” Deeks hurled the red gift bag back into the car as Kensi hissed, “The green bag! Get the green one!”

The front door opened and they both blinked. Eric was wearing a red and green striped blazer with flashing lights that seemed to be playing music. He’d completed the look with a top hot sporting a large poinsettia and a pair of shorts that had reindeer all over them.

“Wow,” was all Kensi could manage.

“You’re here! Welcome!” Eric said brightly, looping strands of blinking Christmas lights over their heads.

“Are these so we can be seen from space?” Deeks asked weakly.

“Hi!” Nell bounded to the door and grabbed Kensi’s hand. “Get in here you two!”

She was in a dress that resembled an elf’s uniform and wore pointy elf shoes on her feet that jingled as she walked. “Your sweaters are great!” she said as she dragged Kensi to the kitchen.

“Oh, yeah, thanks.”

“Are you sure this was the right choice?” Eric said, examining his jacket. “I really think the one with the Christmas trees is good too.”

“It is good, but this one is better,” Nell said. “Here, have some eggnog.”

She poured generous glasses for Deeks and Kensi who each took a timid sip. Kensi choked and Deeks’ eyes widened as the doorbell rang and the Wonder Twins took off to answer it. “Holy eggnog Batman,” Deeks said.

“How many bottles of rum did they put in here?” Kensi asked.

“Um, three.”

“What?”

Deeks slid the recycling bin out from underneath the counter. “Three.”

“We can’t drink this!”

“Okay um…how about this. You drink at this party and I’ll drive us to my mom’s. And then I can drink there and you can drive to Tiffani’s and then…we’ll figure it out from there.”

“I’m not going to your mom’s house completely plastered!”

But Deeks was already dumping his glass into Kensi’s and Nell and Eric were returning with more guests in tow. “How’s that eggnog?” Eric asked.

“So good,” Deeks said holding up his empty glass.

“Drink up Kensi,” Nell said as she began pouring glasses for their new guests.

Kensi just glared at her boyfriend and sipped slowly.

When most of the guests had arrived, the games began. First was the ugly sweater competition for which Deeks and Kensi won the “Best Couple” award. Then there was a contest in which you had to wrap your partner in wrapping paper and finally a relay race where they built snowmen out of marshmallows. Nell refilled their glasses steadily throughout and Kensi found herself a bit worse for the wear by the time they started to say their goodbyes.

It took her four tries to put on the shoe that had come off during the relay and then she nearly headed into the pantry instead of out the front door. “Whoa.” Deeks gripped her arm and steered her to the hallway. “This way princess.”

“You can’t go yet!” Eric said. “We still have the gingerbread house competition.”

“Sorry buddy, my mom is expecting us,” Deeks said as he grabbed Kensi’s arm to keep her from tipping into the Christmas tree.

“Well you have to take them to go then! You can make them at home.” Nell was insistent so they waited while she packed up a vast amount of frosting, sprinkles, and gumdrops for their decorating pleasure.

By the time Deeks got Kensi in the car they were running twenty minutes behind. “I’m going to change in the backseat,” Kensi announced, launching herself headfirst into the back of the car.

“Yikes! Geez Kensi!” Deeks swerved as her foot narrowly missed his skull.

He reached out a hand to steady her. “Hey!” She swatted it away from her rear end, which was sticking up in the air. “None of that while you’re driving!”

“I’m not getting frisky babe, just trying to avoid a ticket or near death experience,” he said in exasperation as her sweater came flying into the front seat.

“Where’s my black boots?” She was talking far too loud.

“In the bag with my belt and pants.”

Those were whipped at his head next. “Babe, I don’t need those yet!”

There was a crunching sound. “Damn it!”

“What?” Deeks checked the rearview mirror but couldn’t see anything.

“I think I just sat on the gingerbread houses.”

“Oh my god, you are super plastered aren’t you?”

She popped up and kissed him sloppily on the neck. “Yep. Your fault buddy.”

She managed to get herself dressed and back into the front seat by the time they pulled into his mom’s driveway. “Okay,” Deeks tried to give them both a pep talk as he pulled off his own sweater and buttoned the shirt they’d bought for the occasion. “We can do this. We’re late, but we can do it.”

“Oh I’ll do it.” Kensi grabbed the front of his shirt and mashed her lips to his.

He grunted in surprise. “Kensi!”

There was a knock on the car window and they turned to see both Roberta and Guy smiling down at them.

“Holy mother of Satan!” Deeks put a hand over his heart and slowly rolled down the window. “Hi Mama. We’ll be in in just a minute.”

“Well would you hurry up? You’re half an hour late. Everyone is starving.”

“Just start the hor d’ouevres Mama.”

“We were waiting for you.”

“Well now we’re here so just go ahead and we’ll be right in.”

She rolled her eyes at him and turned to go. Guy eyed them closely. “You two all right in there?”

“Yeah, super fine Guy.” Deeks ground the words out between his teeth.

“I know your mom is looking for grandkids but maybe not in our driveway, all right?”

“Thank you Guy!” Deeks rolled up the window and looked at his girlfriend who had remained blessedly silent during the exchange. “Still hammered?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Perfect.”

This party was mostly friends of Roberta and Guy, who were from exceptionally different crowds. Deeks grabbed a plate of appetizers from the counter along with a very big glass of wine and made his way to where he’d left Kensi on the couch.

“How much do you think that guy can bench press?” he said, looking across the room at a man who appeared to be a body builder and was wearing the world’s smallest tank top.

“Soooooooo much,” Kensi said with a giggle.

“Where did you get that?!” Deeks snatched a half empty glass from her hand.

“Somebody gave it to me.” She frowned at him. “I like wine.”

“Yeah but we agreed it was my turn to drink. No more for you!”

She pouted for only a second before taking four of the bruschetta off the plate he’d brought over. “These are so good.”

“I’m going to go find you some coffee.”

“With Bailey’s!”

He turned back and pointed a finger at her. “No.”

By the time he made his way back to her dinner was starting and Guy had escorted her to the table, handing her yet another glass of wine, which Deeks promptly took from her fingers.

“Hey!”

“No. More.”

“Martin, you’re sitting right here next to Guy.” Roberta bustled over, waving him into the empty chair.

He turned to his girlfriend. “See? I need the wine. Me.”

And boy did he. Sitting between his mother and her boyfriend was like every nightmare he’d ever had worsened by one thousand percent. If their lovesick looks at one another and their pet names weren’t the most sickening thing he’d ever experienced he didn’t know what was.

“This is a fabulous party my sweet,” Guy said as they were finishing dessert.

“Thank you monkey,” she said.

“That’s my knee!” Deeks cried, jerking away from Guy so violently that the whole table shook.

“Whoops.” Guy grinned. “Sorry Martin.”

Deeks downed the rest of his glass as the alarm on his phone went off. He looked at Kensi. “That’s our cue.”

“Super.” She got unsteadily to her feet. “Roberta. Guy. Thanks.”

With that she turned and went out the front door. “Uh, yeah, thanks Mama. We’ll see you soon. Guy…” Deeks tried to come up with something to say and when he failed he simply shrugged and followed his fiancé.

“Babe. Not our car,” he said when he reached the driveway.

She looked up and frowned, removing her hand from the grey minivan she’d just been attempting to enter. “Oh. Deeks, I have to tell you something.”

“Okay.”

“I think I’m still drunk.”

“No kidding.”

He was feeling a little buzzed himself meaning driving themselves to Tiffani’s party was out of the question. “I’ll get us a Lyft. You go get the white elephant gifts and our clothes out of the car.”

The theme of the Tiffani’s party was “White Christmas” which meant everyone was supposed to come wearing white, bring a white elephant gift, and that presumably everything at the party was going to be white too.

Which would have been fine except, “Oh shit.”

“What?” Deeks asked in the back of the Lyft car.

She held up her formerly white dress, which now had smears of green and red frosting down the front of it. “You put the gingerbread houses in the same bag as my dress.”

“Well it’s not….” Deeks winced as she turned it around to reveal even more smudges. “Okay, yeah, it’s bad.”

“What are we going to do? Tiffani is going to freak out.”

“Okay, um…” Deeks thought for a moment before pulling off his button down.

“Oh, okay,” Kensi slid over so she was in his lap, her fingers finding their way under the white t-shirt he’d had on underneath his dress shirt.

“No, god you are so handsy when you’re drunk! You put my shirt on over your dress and I’ll just wear my undershirt and that’s as good as it’s going to get.”

“We’re here,” the Lyft driver said loudly, clearly displeased at whatever the two crazy people in his backseat were doing.

“We are so not getting a five star review,” Deeks said as the car pulled away from the curb.

“Babe, where are the gifts?”

“Shit!” Deeks spun around and watched as the car turned the corner. “Yeah, we’re not going to see those again.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it,” Kensi said.

“KAY KAY!!!!!!”

The shrieks of the Cupcake Girls were deafening and Deeks was nearly knocked to the floor as they rushed the final member of their party, pulling her in for hugs and air kisses.

Tiffani had spared no expense. The ballroom was decked out in twinkling lights and sheer white swags that hung from floor to ceiling. Christmas trees bespangled with white ornaments decorated every table. And everyone was dressed in white. Beautifully dressed.

Deeks strode over to the bar and ordered the strongest drink on their menu of specialty cocktails, all of which were also white. He nodded to the two men next to him. “Gentlemen.”

Their raised eyebrows reminded him that he was not even close to dressed appropriately for the event. “Rick,” he said to the bartender. “Keep ‘em coming.”

Half an hour later he stumbled his way over to Kensi for the white elephant exchange. “You smell like booze,” she said, wrinkling her nose.

“So do you,” he told her.

“Okay!” Tiffani clapped her hands to get everyone’s attention. “You know the rules! Only one steal per person. And you may not trade once the game is over!”

People began to unwrap gifts one at a time. Several bottles of wine were opened along with boxes of chocolate, ornaments, and a lurid pair of neon green socks with snowmen on them. Deeks received a gift card for a local coffee shop and Kensi unwrapped a pair of cashmere mittens. “Okay, who’s next?” Tiffani called out.

 A friend of her husband’s picked up one of the two final gifts, both of which appeared to be wrapped in Kleenex. The wrappings fell away to reveal, “A…container of tic-tacs. Partially used,” Tiffani announced in confusion.

“I thought you said you had this?” Deeks hissed to his girlfriend.

“I said I had it. I didn’t say it would be good!” she hissed back.

“And the final gift is mine I guess.” Tiffani gingerly picked up the final package. “A Best Couple award. How…fun? Who wants to trade?”

The Lyft dropped them off at home around 1:30am and they both stumbled in the door half intoxicated, half asleep. “We are going to be so hung over in the morning,” Deeks said with a moan as he fell fully clothed onto their bed.

“Never again.” Kensi collapsed onto his chest. “Never, ever, ever again.”

“I’m sorry about your dress.”

“I’m sorry about Guy rubbing your knee.”

“How about as a Christmas present you never mention that again?”

“Done.”