#every other craft category got cosplay supplies. i got a big led keyboard for a computer i dont have because it was from a sponsor. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hakugreenfinch · 1 year ago

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sorry im being silly tonight. im just thinking about how. i was placed 3rd at a cosplay competition at japanexpo paris this year. and its one of my biggest achievements as a cosplayer and i cant really brag about it. like i told my parents. i guess. my friends congratulated me. thats nice. like. really nice. but idk its like. when people go to cons abroad and get placements, even when they dont, mondo posts about it and they get two pages in the next mondo issue. and i guess you have to let them know for them to report it but. it just feels like something thats cool if youre a big cosplay name and trashy if youre not and with 13 years like literally half my lifetime and a long history of competing i know im still not someone anyone would name their favourite cosplayer. im just some guy whos too broke and depressed to be able to make a big name and so my shitty little third place at the biggest anime con in europe feels like no big deal.

#hakuna matata #i won a prize at mondocon this april and the only reason im proud of that is a cosplayer i really love judged me #i was really happy i could show myself off to her and that she liked me this much bc shes the reason i started doing skits #otherwise it was... humiliating.#a pat on the head.#every other craft category got cosplay supplies. i got a big led keyboard for a computer i dont have because it was from a sponsor.#im conflicted too bc if i were to tell mondo about it they would post about it like 'representing hungary'#i didnt represent shit. i represented myself and an anime i love. i entered because my mondo prize felt like a sick joke #and i wanted to know if im worth anything as a craftsman besides being a funny clown #its like i do cool shit but barely anyone sees it.#something something tree falling in a forest #its also hurting because just this year i was told by someone that i cant cosplay seriously without expensive tools #this was someone with less experience than me too #like... what do i have to do? i compete abroad #i get prizes abroad i win mondo prizes ive been doing it for more than a decade i learned entirely new skills trying to cut costs #what do i have to do to be like. more than a clown in funny costumes.#(running a facebook page is not an option. i deleted the old one in a depressive episode and im not making another one)#argh idk. i published a fanbook this year. about to open preorders for my first collaborative charity fanzine.#it feels like the only people i can brag about these to are the people who already know about everything i do and support me #which!!! really!!! im super glad to have friends like this!!!#its just. sigh i wish i could tell more people about the things i do and get a reaction other than 'ok but who are you'#or 'idk what this means but congrats'#like. more than a pat on the head.#idk. idk im sad again and i feel like nothing matters and i dont want to bore my friends with this.#they deserve better than me making them feel like their love and support doesnt mean as much as they want to.

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