#every day i am astounded by how hard it is to make friends now

[musashi]

thinking about all the times in the last few years i have tried to vent to friends and more or less gotten told "you're fucking crazy and need to be institutionalized" but in wokespeak and how every time it was usually something i viewed as very mundane and solvable with social support like "i feel kinda bad about my art" or "im lonely" or "i'm having a bad day at work"

and being like wow you people would have straightup abused me when i was a young adult if this is what you think "needs professional intervention" looks like. i lowkey fear i will be alone forever lsfdkhgsfgds

[inkskinned]

the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

[couldawouldashoulda50]

From Completely Different Worlds - William Nylander

Previous parts 1 2 3 In continuation of @misshoneyimhome's birthday celebration, here is Part 4 of The Sweden Chapter.

A/N - I found out I am very much a "discovery writer" in that basically, more and more ideas pop into my little head as I go. What I do know is that this is not the end, and there will be a Part 5. I had some interactions with a couple of readers that William needs to feel a little more "uneasy" (jealous) because Loren does indeed have other options. So, I tried to take a more nuanced approach in this part and then we'll see a little more of that in the next part. Poor William. *edit - to the anon that sent in ask re: outfits for Loren, it is covered in the next part.

Like the last part, this is 11k words - but I hope it's an easy read that it doesn't feel like it's long and drawn out.

Notes and Warnings - goes without saying - profanity, smut (basic p in v, oral - m & f receiving). I think that's it.

18+ only please.

The second Loren stepped onto the street outside of William's place, she felt a palpable energy that surrounded her and filled her senses. If she was totally uninhibited, there was no telling what Loren would do to expel that electric feeling. She literally felt like she could defy the laws of gravity and float to wherever William was taking her.

As he was back in Toronto, William made for an excellent tour guide in Stockholm. He was enamored with his city and it wasn't hard to understand why. In many ways, William embodied the best of what the Scandinavian metropolis had to offer. Stockholm was dazzling and vibrant. Calm one minute and lively the next. A rich and deep history mixed with a contemporary urban flair.

Loren was overwhelmed. She had longed to travel for many years but never had the time or the funds to make it happen. After facing near financial ruin once her ex was long gone, Loren started a Pinterest board of mainly sunny beach destinations as inspiration to save money. Places that she felt she would enjoy traveling to alone. Although Loren had many friends, after a number of years, her former travel partners had paired off, gotten married, and started families. She had embraced being alone, so the idea of vacationing alone as well seemed to suit her perfectly.

Now, Stockholm was kicking her little Pinterest board's ass.

If she thought nothing could outdo the scenery, she was sorely mistaken after she took her first bite at breakfast. The food was extraordinary and it appeared as though William had ordered literally the entire menu. Everything was fresh and healthy, with every color in all the food groups accounted for many times over.

The only thing more astounding than the food itself was how much William could pack away. Loren giggled as William leaned back, legs splayed, and rubbed his stomach that was looking less taut and more round than usual.

As they talked about the plan for the remainder of the day, the owner, who obviously knew William fairly well, approached their booth. William and Anton spoke animatedly in Swedish before William turned to Loren to introduce her. Anton asked how she liked the food and if William left anything for her. She teased that she had to arm-wrestle William for a bite here and there - she of course followed up by saying the whole meal was phenomenal. Promising to make her something special if she returned, Anton bowed to Loren and mockingly rubbed his abdomen to tease William before leaving to greet other patrons.

"You going to be okay to stand, or am I gonna have to carry you out?" Loren smirked.

"Ugh—I'm too full… carry me please…"

Loren shook her head and smiled. "You're such a charmer… wait—we need the bill, don't we?"

"No, everything's free in Stockholm," William chuckled. "Don't worry about it."

Loren flashed a warning glance towards him. "What about the tip?"

William leaned in closer to Loren. "Mmmm—say that again… about the tip…"

Loren raised her eyebrow and smiled coyly. "Something something… big tip—something…"

Despite the urge to kiss her, William tended to avoid public displays of affection. In the age of cell phones and trying to protect privacy, he had to. William settled for a quick but intense eye fuck with Loren instead as they strolled out the door.

William's itinerary for Loren's first full day was mostly relaxed. Nothing was on a specific timeframe and was as chill and easygoing as William himself.

Walking off the mammoth breakfast William just indulged in, they took their time, meandering along the sidewalk as William talked about the subtle and not-so-subtle cultural differences between Sweden and North America. He laughed when Loren admitted that she had long held the idea that all of Scandinavia had learned how to live life right versus the other countries to the south.

With an open invitation to come for the afternoon at the family lake house, William and Loren piled into his SUV for the 40-plus minute drive to pick up his beloved dogs and relax in the sun by the water.

As they drove, William wasn't sure if he had ever seen someone so enthralled by everything. He didn't think Loren was sheltered or hadn't seen a thing or two, but her natural curiosity was so endearing to him. Every highway sign she saw, Loren would take a picture of it, try to say the name phonetically, and then William would help her if needed. That's how the whole drive was spent—listening to and correcting Loren's pronunciation while Post Malone and The Weeknd played in the background.

As they pulled into the laneway at the Nylander’s, William almost wished the drive was longer. Loren managed to make the routine drive to the lake so entertaining in the most basic of ways. Where William was already in a fantastic mood, she managed to elevate it even further.

William had barely stepped out of the car when the dogs came barreling up to him, promptly swarming Loren right after. Camilla waved from the porch, greeting Loren with a hug before embracing her son.

As it approached 1:00 PM, the combination of the massive breakfast and the drive to the lake had completely sapped William's energy. Suddenly, he could barely keep his eyes open.

Camilla looked at William and chuckled at his wilting appearance. "Poor boy… did you both want to have a nap?"

"I'm a little too excited about being here still—but William, did you want to go ahead?"

William nodded and yawned, calling for the dogs. Standing behind Loren, he placed his hands on her shoulders, pulled her back a smidge, and gave her a gentle kiss on her cheek.

Camilla's eyes sparkled as she looked at Loren. "Here darling, you and I can sit outside at the back… I'm so happy you can keep me company."

William shuffled away but called back towards his mom. "Where's Dad?"

"We just found there's an issue with the water pressure, so he's down there looking at the water line."

"Oh—shit, that sucks," William commented mid-yawn as he entered his bedroom. "Ok boys, let's go…."

Camilla ushered Loren into the kitchen. "Would you like a glass of wine? I have a bottle of chardonnay that I was just about to open."

"If you're having a glass, I'd love one, thank you."

Camilla and Loren chatted as two glasses were poured half-full. Camilla clinked Loren's glass and said "Skål," and Loren reciprocated with a cheery smile.

The ladies settled into a comfortable spot on the west-facing deck. The day had been warm, but a cool, generous breeze from the north was an indicator that autumn would soon be upon them.

As it had been from the point Camilla and Loren first met, their conversation flowed so easily. It was very much like Loren experienced with William—there was a steady flow of thoughts, ideas, memories, commiserations, and everything else in between.

Camilla first asked about their day and laughed at Loren explaining about the owner of the cafe poking fun at William. Then Loren explained about taking pictures of road signs to learn about certain letter combinations in Swedish and the sounds they make. Camilla was impressed that Loren showed so much interest in learning the language and thought Loren's idea was brilliant.

They talked about family dynamics, Loren's job as a support worker, and her other work as well. Camilla asked about Loren's house, to which she showed Camilla some before and after pictures of her interior painting marathon. William's mother was once again very impressed with the interior, but it was Loren's gardens and planters that really wowed Camilla. Soon the two were wandering around the edges of the deck talking about perennials that would do well in afternoon sun.

Loren looked up and smiled as she saw Michael approach. He embraced Loren and then kissed Camilla on the cheek while a slightly exasperated expression appeared on his face.

"I think it's the foot valve—it's either clogged or damaged or both," Michael said.

Camilla looked at Michael with an air of concern. "So someone… I guess it will need to be you—you'll have to go underwater and try to untie the line to get a better look… oh Michael… that's not good…"

Loren listened to William's parents' exchange—the sum total of it was that neither Camilla nor Michael particularly wanted to wade out in water that had never felt warm all summer and was becoming excessively colder as the days wore on.

Loren had a lot of experience in this department. Having spent many a summer at her family's cottage that was shared across her father's side, Loren and her cousins were expected to help out when repairs of anything were required. It's where she learned every swear word in both English and French, and quietly practiced them to herself from about the age of three. That was among her first memories. Whether it was a snowmobile or boat engine roaring, if her tiny voice could be drowned out by a long loud sound, Loren happily rhymed off shit, fuck, asshole, prick, dick, cunt —and any combination thereof. It was her little secret with herself.

“If you'd like - I would love to help - I have my bathing suit here as well….just to even get a look at the valve itself and see what’s happening with it?”

Camilla ‘tsked appreciatively with Loren’s offer. “Oh Loren - no, we can’t have you doing that… you’re William’s guest - but thank you though. Plus, the water is very, very cold…”

“Our cottage lake never quite warms up either…I’m honestly used to it, and I kind of love doing stuff like this. I promise though - I won’t press, but I would honestly love to help.”

Michael smiled at Loren, visibly impressed. He wasn’t sure if any of his six children would offer to help, no offense to them. Michael looked toward Camilla and then the house. “Well my love, we need water….let’s just see what’s happening first and then we’ll figure out what to do.” He turned to Loren and asked if she was sure she wanted to get in the frigid lake.

“I’ve been actually dying to get in there - I’ll go get changed. Would you have a snorkel mask so maybe I can take a look at it underwater?”

Michael’s expression was a mix of surprise and growing admiration. “Yes, absolutely…just come down to the boat house once you’ve changed and we’ll size it up for you.”

Camilla looked back toward Loren with an air of gratitude. “Loren - you’re sure about this? We have some bottled water to get us through…”

Loren smiled and convinced Camilla that she was more than okay with doing this. Camilla gave her a quick hug and said she would get her a towel and they’d walk down together.

In the tote bag that Loren still brought everywhere with her, she fished out her two piece green bathing suit and tip toed down the hall, past William’s bedroom and straight into the bathroom next door. She didn’t want to risk waking William up by changing in his room.

Once changed, she tip toed back but Banksy caught sight of her and leapt off the bed to join Loren, followed by the family’s black toy poodle. With the pups in tow, Loren slipped out the sliding glass doors and rejoined Camilla on the deck.

As they walked towards the boathouse, Camilla seemed trepidatious about Loren venturing into the water but reminded herself that Loren was a grown woman. If she was able to help, even just a little bit, it would be deeply appreciated.

With the snorkel mask adjusted and sitting perched atop her head, Loren waded into the water. They weren't exaggerating - it was fucking freezing. She gasped as the chill enveloped her hips, waist, and then chest. Michael and Camilla stood by wincing, knowing the temperature under the surface was uncomfortably cold.

Michael called out to Loren. "Pretty chilly, isn't it? Are you doing okay?"

Loren's teeth were gnashed together as she turned towards William's parents. "Ummm… I think I'm either numb or getting used to it… not sure," she chuckled.

"If it gets to be too much, please come out… we can deal with it another way," Camilla called to her.

Michael leaned towards Camilla and said in Swedish, "My sweet, this is the only way—let's hope she only has to go in once."

Loren spit in the mask, rubbed it over the interior of the glass, and then rinsed it off in the water as Camilla, Michael, and the dogs watched in anticipation. She positioned and adjusted the mask so it formed a seal protecting her eyes and nose.

She submerged herself and swam under the surface to take a look at what had happened to the water line to affect the pressure.

Meanwhile, back inside, William woke up to Pablo whining at the sliding doors in the main room. He got out of bed, rubbed his eyes, and padded slowly towards Pablo, who was wagging his tail excitedly at the door.

After he let Pablo out, he saw his golden doodle join the group of onlookers standing on the walkway towards the floating dock. He was thoroughly confused and still groggy after not getting a full two-hour nap, which was oftentimes, his minimum requirement.

The air was more chilled than what he remembered it being when they first arrived, so William grabbed a nearby hoodie and started walking down towards the water.

As he approached the walkway, he remained totally baffled as he watched his parents watching Loren as her head popped up above the surface, and then her diving back under after reporting her findings.

Camilla looked over to see William's perplexed expression. She smiled at him as she stood with her arms crossed watching Loren tread water while still peering under the surface.

"What is she doing? Dad—it's freezing… why is she in there?"

Michael simply said, "She's a big help. She offered to see what's going on with the foot valve since we lost water pressure in the house."

William shook his head. "She offered? God—she's nuts…."

Michael chuckled. "This really is a big help… I sure didn't want to have to do it. She says the rope the water line was tied to came undone and the valve was at the bottom sucking in sand."

William watched as Loren dove underneath the water again, her round ass making a split-second appearance before she propelled herself toward the bottom of the lake.

As she resurfaced, she spotted William and smiled as best she could, given the mask gave her duck lips.

She peeled off the mask, which left a prominent red line where the rubber had adhered to her face. "Don't you dare make fun of me…," Loren teasingly warned William.

"Is it cold in there?" he asked sheepishly, knowing full well that it was.

"I'm tough… I've gotten used to it." That might have been true, but Loren was starting to feel the chill in her bones.

Loren asked Michael if he had a 5-gallon bucket, a drill, and some duct tape. He had all three readily accessible, and he and Camilla hurried off to retrieve the items, leaving William with the dogs watching Loren.

"Can I help with something?" William called to her.

Loren waded over to the walkway near where William was standing. The wind had picked up and had a little more of a northerly bite to it. She tried not to shiver, but her teeth chattered involuntarily with the exposure to the outside air.

William knelt down to greet her with a kiss. When he pressed his lips against hers, he recoiled quickly. "Loren—you're freezing—you gotta get out of there…"

"The air's way cooler than the water, but yeah, it's getting a little chilly," Loren said as her body shuddered. "We're going to need some rocks to put into the bottom of the pail. Something like those ones over there."

William jogged over to the other side of the ramp and grabbed a medium-sized rock, holding it up for Loren to approve. She smiled and nodded, then swam back over to the water line.

Michael had a sense of what Loren had in mind and he wished he had thought of it sooner. He drilled an entry and exit point into the top of the bucket, and he and Loren fished the line through the bucket, holding it in place with duct tape. Then the stones William gathered were added to the bucket, which was then submerged a number of feet offshore. It was simple to make, easy to put in place, and flawlessly effective once the water line spat out the trapped air and sand with the newly elevated pressure.

Once Loren emerged from the lake, Camilla was quick to wrap a thick bath sheet around her as they walked back to the main cottage. Loren was shivering uncontrollably but tried to get everyone to stop fussing over her. Loren kept saying she was fine, she just needed to warm up a little.

Michael suggested that she head to the sauna to really warm herself up after initially thawing her body in a warm shower. To Loren, that sounded heavenly.

William got the outdoor shower going for her. The Nylanders had an amazing wellness setup not far from the water—an outdoor shower, which William proudly reminded Loren was only working because of her, a 10-person hot tub, a cold tub, and then a beautiful cedar Swedish sauna.

Loren had already showered that morning, but the purpose now was not for cleanliness. Her teeth wouldn't stop chattering and her body still shivered uncontrollably. She was cautious and remained modestly in her bathing suit in the shower, until William reappeared with a thick robe for her to put on after the sauna. He added that his parents had gone into town to grab a few things so they'd be alone for a little while. He motioned to her bathing suit and said, "That needs to come off too," before he headed into the quaint wood sauna.

Loren stripped off her bathing suit, wrung out the excess water, and laid it over the edge of the enclosure to dry. Turning off the water, she twisted her long hair, watching it drip from the ends, wrapped a towel around her, and slowly opened the door to the sauna.

William was naked—his back reclined against the upper bench, his head tilted back and eyes closed, and legs parted. Loren's gaze immediately fixed on his flaccid penis. As always, the sight made her mouth water and her throat tighten. She felt an involuntary clench deep within her, knowing how well his cock fills her up when it's awake.

The dry heat was one half of the perfect antidote to help chase the lingering chill she felt from the water. The other half of that antidote was William. Still beautifully tanned, the defined ridges in his shoulders, arms, chest, and quads glistened with sweat under the soft lights.

William raised his head slightly, opened one eye to look at Loren. "You need to be all the way nude… lose the towel," he smirked.

Loren knew she had two choices—either defy William and keep the towel on, or hang it up next to the robe he brought and try to look sexy and not trip or stumble.

She unfastened the towel where she had it tucked in between the valley of her breasts. Right before the towel dropped, she held onto one corner and pinned it against her chest so that she was still a little concealed.

William chuckled at her. "You're not still shy about me seeing you naked, are you?"

Despite William's appreciation for confidence in a woman, there was something about Loren's bashful and humble nature that he found intensely arousing.

Managing to avoid slipping or tripping or doing a faceplant of any kind, Loren quickly draped the towel over the slats of the upper wooden bench just behind William, and sat elegantly with her legs crossed. In response to his question about her still feeling shy, Loren jokingly retorted, "Have we met?"

He turned his head to look up at Loren. "What're you doing all the way up there? You don't want to sit beside me?" He reached back with the arm closest to Loren and began to caress the back of her calf. A dainty gold anklet glimmered on her slender ankle.

"I like the view from here," Loren remarked softly and suggestively.

William continued to stroke the skin along the back of her leg. In the gravelly voice that's like music to her, he purred, "Why look when you can touch…"

Loren chuckled and reclined her head back against the cedar wall, trying to think of a good response. "Because sometimes the most gorgeous things in the world should be left undisturbed."

William's throat tightened with desire from her words.

He stood and ladled more water over the scalding rocks before turning back towards Loren. He knelt in front of her, motioning for her legs to open so he could slide in between them.

The heat from the sauna had only elicited a light layer of sweat over both bodies, but the temperature inside was climbing rapidly as they began kissing. Loren slid forward slightly, her lips and tongue coaxing moans from William's mouth. She wrapped her arms around the base of his neck as William gripped her ass hard, pulling her further towards him, even though there wasn't a millimeter between them. He nipped and kissed under her jawline, and when Loren's hands found their way down to his ass cheeks, she pushed his torso tight against her cunt.

Breathless, William slowed his mouth and his hands and leaned his forehead against Loren's neck.

Her hands and fingers smoothed through his hair as she wondered what was going through his mind. Instead, she reveled in his touch as his open palms roamed over her body.

William spoke in a low tone against her collarbone. "I don't want you to ever think that I—just because I don't say the actual words most of the time… I'm not the greatest with that—that I don't think that you are one of the most incredible people I know, Loren."

Loren kissed William's temple as her other hand smoothed up the nape of his neck through the back of his hair. She began to speak, but William interrupted her.

"Don't turn the compliment on to me," William warned playfully. "We're only talking about you."

He tapped her ass for her to raise her bum off the towel. He released his embrace and stood up, draping the towel over the bench he was kneeling on.

William guided her down onto her back, adjusted her rear slightly, and lowered his mouth down to her pussy. Fuck, she felt lucky—this was the second time William went down on her today—it was the reason their shower that morning took as long as it did.

But this version of William in that moment was not the version she experienced this morning. This morning, he was tender as his tongue stroked her clit, while the scruff around his mouth tickled her pussy in the most arousing way.

The William taking her now was far more needy. Within seconds of his mouth latching onto Loren's pussy, he had her thighs pinned, spreading her as wide as possible. His tongue lapped fervently, finding the most sensitive areas around her clit, making Loren's body twist and jolt as she moaned William's name. She realized, too, that they were alone and in a sauna. She didn't have to suppress cries or stifle moans this time.

Loren looked down to see William jerking himself as he tongue-fucked her. She smoothed back his hair, their gazes fixed on each other, before she cried out, arching her back and splaying her one leg to the side. Her cries and moans only fueled William to further intensify his dizzying oral assault on her pussy.

She glanced at him and then at the taut muscles in his arm as he rapidly pumped his cock. She knew that he wanted to fully serve her the best oral pleasure he could, but it became distracting with how much she wanted his cock in her mouth.

Between cries of how amazing he felt, Loren breathlessly asked if she could suck his cock.

She lay panting on the bench, smoothing William's saliva around her pussy while running her fingers up and down her slit. William moved and stood by her, his erect cock in her direct line of sight. Using the upper bench as leverage, William held himself up as he rested one thigh on the bench at the top of Loren's head. She could hardly wait for William to position himself just right. Within seconds, she licked and fondled his balls before putting them in her mouth. William groaned "Fuck, Loren" as she stroked his cock with one hand, slowly rubbed her clit with the other, and lapped at his balls at the same time.

William's hand slid over top of Loren's, taking control of running his middle finger through her folds. Between his saliva and her arousal, his fingers smoothly glided between her inner pussy walls, making Loren's hips rotate from the sensation. She adjusted her body to lie on her side and proceeded to deep throat William's cock, moaning and slurping as he expelled his tasty pre-cum in the back of her mouth.

William looked down at Loren just as she looked up at him as she slid his shaft from her mouth. Strings of saliva stretched from his tip—he nearly went weak in the knees as she gazed upon him and his cock like a gift from God. She gingerly held his member as her tongue found the highly sensitive frenulum.

He gathered up her hair in his fist and slowly moved his cock back and forth in her mouth as her tongue stroked underneath the tip, expressing more of the pre-cum fluids that she couldn't get enough of.

But William had other plans. Loren loved being railed hard, and he was determined to fulfill all of her desires in that moment.

"Loren—fuck… you're gonna make me cum… let me fuck you from behind… and be loud—you can let it all out…"

As beautiful as can be, she licked and kissed the tip of his cock in a show of worship and flashed the most spellbinding smile at William as she stood up and turned around for him.

His arms wrapped around her waist as her back leaned against his chest. They stood for a moment in that spot, just absorbing each other's touch. Soon, one of William's hands was cupping her breast while the other slid between her thighs.

Loren climbed onto the bench, and with William kneeling behind her, he gently bent her over. Loren lowered her upper body further, and with her ass in the air, she spread her legs and stroked her clit in anticipation of William's entry.

"Loren—fuck me—you have no idea how fucking hot you look right now." Biting her bottom lip, Loren glanced over her shoulder towards William. "So do you…" she said, full of desire, as her long hair, still damp from the shower, cascaded over the side of her body.

William kneaded the top of her ass cheek with one hand and held his cock in his other, gliding his tip through Loren's folds. Soon, he entered her. William's cock had a slight curve upward, and the tip rubbed perfectly against Loren's g-spot as he fucked her. Her hands gripped the wooden slats on the bench as William's thrusts became steadily deeper.

His head fell backward and his eyes closed as images of her in the water working alongside his dad filled his mind. He could not recall ever feeling such intense pride towards a girl he brought home before.

The pride—this sensation he felt in that moment—fueled his thrusts as he gripped Loren's hips, plowing her even harder. William gazed at how incredible she looked from behind as she cried out to him and how good his cock felt. Her voice, the sound of their slick skin slapping, watching her stroke herself as he bucked into her—to William, there was no better feeling than in that moment.

Loren hollered a string of profanities as her legs began to shake as she orgasmed. William slid one hand up to her shoulder and kept the other gripping her hip. Loren pushed back into him, allowing him to go just a smidge deeper when she let out a loud guttural shriek as a final climax, while reaching behind her, grappling for William's ass.

William pressed into Loren's cunt further, letting out his own feral grunts. William felt like he was losing his mind a little as his thrusts went into overdrive. Loren was riding the wave of another orgasm, gripping the underside of the bench, her ass and thighs rippling as he drove into her. Soon, William let out groans from deep in his throat, his own legs quaking as he spilled deep into her.

William stayed in position, smoothing the sheen of her back around with his hands. He watched her breathing slow while she moaned incoherent words into her forearm. He slid out of her slowly, his seed slowly seeping out just after his tip exited.

He always reveled at the sight of Loren after she came. She once explained she can hear him speak, but she's suspended in such a deep state of euphoria, she hardly has the will to make any part of her body move. It's almost like a complete separation of mind and body.

William loved knowing that's what he does to her.

The two had been in the sauna for a little longer than one probably should. Once Loren could move again, she gathered her towel, slipped on her robe, and stepped back out into the fresh afternoon air. William remained close behind her, stopping only for a quick dip in the cold tub. Not wanting to advertise the inevitable shrinkage from the cold water, William giggled as he sheepishly asked if Loren could retrieve his shorts before he stood up.

With hours remaining before their dinner plans later that evening, Loren and William settled in on the couch, wrapped around each other as each dog found a spot—Banksy on top of Loren's hip and Pablo nestled between William's legs. They had Tetris'ed themselves snugly together as the four drifted off for a nap.

Just over an hour later, Michael and Camilla returned—the dogs' alert startled William and Loren awake, the two stretching and giving each other a soft kiss before rising from the couch.

As they helped carry in bags from the car, Michael asked if they could stay for dinner. Michael remained so abundantly grateful for Loren's help that day that he felt it was the least he could do.

William smiled at his dad's hopeful expression but before he could decline, Michael quickly remembered they had plans already.

William added, "Maybe in a few days, okay? We can figure out something with whoever's available—"

"I'd like to do something maybe just for the two of you, does that sound alright?" Michael looked towards Loren this time for a response.

"I would love that—I've heard that you're a pretty amazing chef," Loren said warmly as Michael hugged her. "We can bring some wine as well?"

Camilla's eyes danced as she looked at Loren. "You could even stay the night—give us a chance to have some drinks and get to know you more."

Camilla thanked Loren again for all of her help, hugging her tightly.

As they walked out, Michael asked if they used the sauna. The question was directed more towards Loren but William answered "Yes" instead.

Michael smiled. "And—how was it—did it warm you up—relax you?"

Loren blushed as she remembered "relaxing" after her massive climax.

William coolly replied, "It was hot, Dad… and yeah, it was extra relaxing... I think Loren enjoyed it. I know I did."

Cheeky motherfucker… Loren thought as she glanced at William and then at Michael.

Michael read between the lines with William's comment and just laughed and shook his head.

—

Loren was the first one ready for their dinner plans that evening. She was borderline nervous—meeting a handful of William's closest friends is right up there with meeting his family. Even though the Nylanders were warm and welcoming, Isla's scornful gaze during Loren's introduction was undeniably still etched in her memory.

Loren fidgeted with her red sundress as she looked at her reflection in the long mirror in William's bedroom. She was beginning to second-guess and scrutinize her appearance. Her clothes, her shoes—everything—were mainly mass-produced with low-cost materials. She saw how stylish the Nylanders all were; even without trying, they all could easily grace the cover of Vogue.

It was more likely than not that his friends and their girlfriends were equally as stylish and sophisticated, and with that thought, Loren exhaled sharply and dropped her shoulders in frustration and dismay. Her insecurities once again resurfaced, attempting to convince her that his friends would laugh at her discount clothes and shoes—that her hair was too big, wavy, and messy-looking. That she really had no business being there as William's guest.

Loren decided to take a picture and send it to Chelsea, her friend and style guru, hoping she could either say "yay" to the dress or veto it and tell her to change.

Just as Loren took the picture, William walked in fresh from the shower—a towel barely tucked tight enough to stay put around his hips. Loren's eyes trailed to the contour on either side of his torso—"the v"—that acted like a sign pointing straight to his cock. His dark blonde hair flopped in certain spots and stuck straight out in others. To Loren, he looked freakishly perfect every single solitary second of every day, and in that moment, she was horny for him and frustrated with him at the same time.

A sizeable grin spanned his face as his eyes landed on Loren. Instead of reciprocating with her typical sweet smile, she rolled her eyes and scoffed at William.

"You know, William—it's not fucking fair," Loren half-smiled as she slowly shook her head. "Like—c'mon… you walk in with almost nothing on, your hair is perfectly imperfect—you know what? You're so greedy…"

William started to laugh. "Greedy?"

"Yes… really fucking greedy. Your whole family—you all got greedy in the gene pool and didn't leave nearly enough for the rest of us."

William's iconic laugh reverberated in the room. "Wait—hold on… that's a bunch of bullshit… you need to put your glasses on there, Chiquita…"

William sat on the edge of his bed, his legs automatically splayed as he propped himself up on his elbows. He chuckled again when he saw Loren's eyes fall once again to the bump his cock made under the towel. "I don't get it—where's—what's all of this about?"

On top of everything else she was feeling in that moment, she was the most embarrassed about her insecurities. She didn't feel like this all the time, but like mice running rampant, where there's one negative thought, a hundred more seem to follow.

So, she was honest with him.

"First, I'm just second-guessing my outfit—well, my entire appearance really. Second, I really hate showing how insecure I can be sometimes. It's not all day, all the time or anything, but I know it's not the most attractive quality to have... especially around you."

William often struggled to find the right words, but he never saw Loren as insecure. Vulnerable at times, yes, which brought out his protective instincts and kindness. Unbeknownst to Loren, William sometimes felt inadequate compared to her, but he knew that if he could at least comfort and reassure her, it was a good start.

"You know—my first thought is that it's hard to understand how you're not able to just know how fucking gorgeous you are… but then I think if you did, you wouldn't be who you are—which is even more amazing. If that makes any sense?" William pulled her close, his rugged hand cradled the back of her head as he pressed his lips against her hair. He breathed in her light fragrance as he continued to kiss her head. "If you are worried that my friends aren't going to like you because of this or that—they really are not like that. They're almost as nice as you, if you can believe it," William chuckled.

His hands then smoothed down the fabric of the back of her dress, soon slipping underneath the hem. She could feel his burgeoning hard-on as the towel finally unfastened and fell to the floor.

In an instant, William's mouth was latched onto Loren's neck, pressing her up against the wall. She couldn't resist him—she really didn't even try. She turned around so her ass was aligned with his erection. She leaned over slowly and suggestively said, "Here, let me bend over and pick that up—"

Loren soon received the "input" from William that she needed to help calm her worries.

—

William's assessment of his friend group was absolutely accurate. Loren was relieved and grateful that she was instantly welcomed into William's social circle—or at least the particular one that evening. Two of the women at the table, Ingrid and Malin, were the girlfriends of Anders and Erik, who all were at the bar the previous night with William. The third was Lisa, the buoyant, beautiful, and gregarious long-time girlfriend of Rasmus Sandin, William's former roommate and teammate before being traded to Washington.

To break the ice within his friend group, William wanted Loren to share his new favorite story—the tale of her airport security detention. When she had recounted the incident to William's entire family the day before, he was still laughing about it.

As the story went, Loren was "randomly flagged" by flight security, leading to her bags being pulled, scanned, and thoroughly searched. In her large suitcase, she had packed some camera equipment—a tripod, ring light, and other items—which she intended to use for recording interviews with random people against the city's scenic backdrop. The equipment had been carefully wrapped in bubble wrap and then nestled within her clothing. All her paperwork was impeccable, detailing the who, what, where, when, why, and how of her trip. As security rifled through her belongings, they seemed particularly intrigued by the combination of camera equipment and some sexy undergarments that Loren had packed to impress William.

The officers asked the standard questions—did she pack the bag herself, had anyone else had access to her luggage, and so on. Then one officer inquired about the purpose of the videos. Loren was stressed—words in both English and French tumbled around in her head like clothes in a dryer. She blurted out that they were "instructional videos."

The two men exchanged glances, then looked at the lingerie set she'd packed for William, and finally at the camera equipment. “Miss - are the videos pornographic in nature?” The officer who remained silent seemed rather hopeful.

“No! No - they are language tutorials - like teaching how to converse in French,” Loren gasped, her cheeks blazing.

“Are you able to show us?”

Mon dieu (my God) Loren thought to herself, dying inside a little.

She pulled out her phone and showed a more recent post, with her, very much clothed and covered - and not getting railed or giving fellatio.

After only a few seconds, one officer seemed perturbed with the tame, g-rated video and waved her off saying she could go.

William was completely taken with Loren as she animatedly finished telling the story, describing how she had to gather up a lace thong and a bustier and shove them back in her suitcase before running out and meeting William’s mother, no less. Loren explained that later, when she told the full story to his family, Camilla nearly choked on her wine from laughter.

As more stories were shared, an energetic buzz filled the air around the table. The four couples seamlessly blended, their laughter and conversation flowing freely. Loren, with her adaptable nature and engaging personality, found herself quickly embraced by William's tight-knit group of friends—much as she had been with his family.

William and Erik spotted a couple of empty pool tables from where the group sat in the corner of the bar. Soon, wagers were discussed, match-ups were made and friendly-fire chirps were said.

Ingrid and Malin observed Loren closely. Contrary to Isla's portrayal from the previous night, Loren embodied everything Isla had claimed she wasn't. This discrepancy didn't surprise them; Isla's relationship with the truth was often shaky at best. The ladies held their tongues, but they were brimming with curiosity, wondering if Loren was aware of Isla's blatant hostility towards her the night before. While Ingrid and Malin typically avoided gossip, Isla's unprovoked behavior had left them stunned and eager to discuss it. They knew Lisa held strong opinions about Isla's character and were keen to hear her take, which usually swung between witty and scathing.

After the men left the table to venture over to the billiards with full pints of beer in their hands, Ingrid and Malin exchanged glances, topped up Loren's wine, and started treading carefully with the trajectory of their desired conversation.

They first asked Loren basic questions about what she and William did that day, and then worked backwards from there. Loren smiled, knowing the direction Ingrid and Malin wanted to take their chat and suppressed a chuckle. As kind and friendly as all three women had been to Loren, she remained cautious with her words—she told herself to stick with the facts, avoid any personal opinions or any other petty remarks.

It was Ingrid who just cut to the chase with the question of whether Loren heard anything about the night before. And Loren explained what she had been told—which frankly surprised and impressed all three ladies that William had been candid about the situation and did not seem to bypass any major details.

The women were also impressed by Loren's frankness, honesty, and fairness with the complexities of being the object of William's affections. Although it was unspoken, each of the ladies could see how unique Loren was when they compared her against other women that William had spent time with.

Once the Isla conversation was addressed, no one dwelled on any of it.

Malin and Ingrid got up to use the ladies' room and it seemed the two were feeling no pain as they groped their boyfriends' asses as they walked by. Erik didn't seem to mind but Anders, who was trying to take a shot, flinched and sunk the cue ball instead of the solid green one he was aiming for.

Loren and Lisa giggled as Rasmus and William turned to look at them before chirping their friend about the missed shot.

Lisa smiled back towards Loren. "So, you were saying something before about a conversation you and Willy were having… about being out in public?"

Loren nodded. "Just about whether or not we should 'appear' like we are sort of—" Loren struggled to find just the right words to describe their undefined status. "Romantically linked? I guess that's the best way to say it," Loren finally said.

Lisa had known William for a long time through Rasmus' relationship, as William had been Rasmus' roommate on and off, and one of his most trusted friends. She cared for William deeply and, although she didn't always agree with some of his tactics and tendencies, she knew he was a good person at heart. Having had a front-row seat to some of the issues from his past relationships, Lisa understood why William had become incredibly guarded with women in general.

However, Lisa sensed something different in how William and Loren interacted. Though seated diagonally from each other—in an attempt to avoid immediate “guesswork” of who’s with whom by passersby—their connection was very apparent. The way they looked at each other when the other spoke revealed an incredible connection. Lisa didn't just see it; she felt it. She had shared this observation with Rasmus, who wholeheartedly agreed.

"So, you two aren't technically dating, in the traditional sense?" Lisa asked.

Loren looked down at her hands that were folded in her lap. "Well, I think it's a little different for him—people are so invested in the labels…single versus not. So, if someone were to ask him right now, he would say he's single. So, I guess that makes me single too…but it's not how I feel. When I really like someone, that's it for me. I literally don't 'see' anyone else, if you know what I mean."

Lisa nodded. "I do—fully. I felt that way about Rasmus when I first met him."

Loren chuckled and then went quiet. "It feels like a dangerous spot for me to be in though. He has gazillions of women that, whether they're single or not, would kill… or at least maim for him. I'm not trying to compete or anything because I just can't… or maybe it's more that I won't. I wanted to go slow with getting to know each other—somehow be interested yet be relatively detached at the same time. I'm not wanting to rush either because God—his life… just his life alone is dizzying. But the interest out there for him—like, how is any girl - me, or her, her, her…" Loren giggled as she continued to point out any girl in the vicinity of their table, "going to handle that amount of enticement of ‘their man’ from other women?"

Lisa completely understood, as Rasmus, also known as "Sandy," received quite a lot of attention in his own right. "It's a decision you make. And as time goes on, you have to keep making the decision to go left or right. I mean, Sandy isn't anywhere near Willy's popularity, but I will say—he's one of William's closest friends. You would not believe how many women want to go through his friends just for a shot at William. It's… yeah… unbelievable."

Lisa looked over at Sandy, who was already looking back at her. "But I feel supported. Loved. He's good to me, a good person to others. He's my biggest cheerleader," she said wistfully as she winked at her love. Lisa chronicled her own Olympic journey to Loren and all the injuries and accidents she experienced with being an alpine skier. The two continued to bond over Lisa's fearlessness versus Loren's absolute fear of heights—mainly falling from them.

Malin and Ingrid returned from the ladies' room, but came back from a different direction from where the washrooms were. In tow, a tall, good-looking man with a tray of shots arrived.

Loren thought she recognized him, but couldn't place from where. Lisa jumped up and gave him a hug, and just as Malin started introducing Loren, the name "Emil!" was shouted from the billiard tables.

The group of men all came rushing up, causing a bit of a comical scene—given that their fourth pint had kicked in. They laughed and talked excitedly in Swedish as the women laughed along.

While Isla's harsh assertion that Loren would struggle to understand Swedish conversations was unkind, there was some truth to it. But Loren actually didn't mind anyway. Just watching the warm and vibrant exchange, especially William's, was entertaining enough for her.

Emil saw Loren and immediately was taken aback by her exquisite features. Knowing everyone's relationship status in their group, it was automatic that he realized Loren was with William.

He selected the only shot glass that wasn't dripping over the sides and approached Loren, offering her the shot. They introduced themselves and cheered "Skål" just as William slid next to Loren, gently placing his hand on the small of her back. The three talked about how Loren had almost crossed paths with Emil in Toronto, as Emil had stayed at William's during the playoffs after Loren had returned home.

As the night progressed, Loren and the three girlfriends were perched at a tall bar table, watching the billiard playoff rounds: William versus Rasmus and Erik versus Anders. Emil, having had an off-night, had been eliminated in the first round of pool.

Finding a spot next to Loren, Emil struck up an easy conversation. They chatted about her impressions of Stockholm and William's performance as a tour guide. Emil also offered his own recommendations for favorite places to visit and things to do in and around the city.

Emil found Loren warm, funny, and charming—a stark contrast to his earlier date that evening. That encounter had felt doomed from the start, lacking any spark in conversation, common interests, or chemistry.

Chemistry is exactly what he was feeling now with Loren. Besides that, he was awestruck by - well, everything about her.

Emil and Loren both laughed as they watched William and Rasmus chirp each other mercilessly. Erik and Anders' game wasn't nearly as rowdy—the noise from William and Rasmus continually interrupted their concentration. Soon, the two tables were facetiously hurling Swedish insults at one another. Malin, Lisa, and Ingrid joined in with their own comments, eliciting raucous laughter from the group.

Emil chuckled with the repartee and did his best to translate the banter for Loren. Her eyes sparkled as she witnessed the how close William’s friends were with one another, and laughed at the cutting but amusing remarks being exchanged.

William looked over at Loren and Emil. Although Loren had been watching William’s game closely, Emil was telling her a longer story about the how’s and where’s everyone first met. Initially, he was happy to see his long-time friend keeping Loren company, realizing that he himself had not really been by to check on her for awhile.

As he waiting for Rasmus to take his shot, William’s glance bounced between the pool table and the bar table where Emil seemed to be quite riveted with whatever Loren was talking about. The longer William looked, the more unnerved he felt.

Loren took a sip of her drink and, as she looked up, her eyes met William's. She winked and flashed him a bright smile. William gestured, asking if she was okay—she nodded yes and returned the question. He glanced at the pool table, then at Rasmus, and finally back to Loren, indicating he wasn't doing well.

Loren feigned a slight pouty face and mouth the word “sorry” followed by another beautiful smile.

Emil smiled faintly at the exchange. He couldn't believe his misfortune that Loren was William's whatever-interest. William had already given Emil a sense of who Loren was during his Toronto visit, describing her as gorgeous, kind, among other things. But now, meeting her in person, Emil felt as if the universe was playing a cruel joke on him because she was so much more.

The final round pitted William against Erik, with William emerging victorious in record time. He claimed it was his first win against any of the guys. As Emil retreated to the other side of the group, William approached Loren. He leaned in close, declaring her his good luck charm. Loren caught a whiff of beer, realizing William was likely half-cut by now. As he ran his hand up her back, he asked if she enjoyed herself and if she'd be ready to leave soon.

Malin called over to Loren asking if she wanted to come to the ladies room with them - she had an idea for another fun night and wanted to talk while she peed.

Loren touched William's arm and said she's ready to go anytime after her conference in the restroom. He watched her admiringly as she glided across the floor and disappeared around the corner.

William was definitely feeling more drunk than not and was feeling a certain stirring in his cock, despite having Loren three times already that day. He didn't even realize the smirk he had on his face when he joined his friends standing around the high-top table.

With William’s overt attraction for Loren on full display, his friends hurled out some good-natured jabs, followed by some genuine compliments about Loren, to which William enthusiastically affirmed.

Only Emil remained quiet. That is, until he didn't.

He started to shake his head indignantly. “You don't fuck around with this one, Willy. She's already more than what you deserve, given how long you've strung her along for.”

As their mouths fell open, Rasmus and the other men quietly watched as the blue squiggly vein by William’s temple seem to pulsate with Emil's remark.

“You barely even acknowledged her - at least since I've been here. Just because you can fuck any girl that even so much as looks at you, the good ones - great ones even - are ALL expendable to you. Loren - she fucking was there for you, man…she looked after you - cleaned up after you, fed you - sucked your dick. She's an 12 out of 10 at least and all you're gonna do is rope her in with your bullshit and then fuck around on her once you've got her locked in.” Emil drank back the rest of his beer, threw down a bill in the middle of the table and walked out.

William looked around at the stunned faces around the table and then followed Emil outside. The fresh air and the sting of the words one of his closest friend just hurled at him helped sober him up a little.

Emil leaned up against the outside wall of the bar, looking across the street, and then down at the sidewalk.

William approached him. “Bro - what the fuck was that?”

Emil started shaking his head and clenching his jaw. “Sorry, man - I had a rough night I guess. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.” He thought for a moment. “Loren seems really amazing though. Good for you bro - glad you got her here for a visit. She gets to see the ‘real’ William Nylander.”

William knew the tone of Emil’s last remark but left it alone. “So this is more about Loren - dude…what the fuck, man…”

“No - not just about her - maybe it has nothing to do with her specifically. Meeting her just triggered something.” Emil slid down the wall into a squat. “It’s just - I’m fucking ready. I’m so ready to get the girl - the woman - who I’m meant to be with. To get the fuck on with life. You know how many dates I’ve been on lately - fuck me, dude…it’s fucking hard to find someone that I’m attracted to - and not just in the physical sense.”

William looked long and hard at his friend. He was pissed with Emil’s words but once again, they stung because there were threads of truth interwoven in them. “Emil - look, I know it seems easier for me, but it’s not…it might actually be worse. To know that they want me for me. Not for the money or status.”

Emil shook his head again. “But you’ve got that - in there - with HER. Wake the fuck up - you need to either cut her loose so she can start getting past the months you’ve strung her along or - “

“Fuck sakes Emil - I’m not stringing her along…. Jesus, what the fuck, bro. I care for her - a lot - and you know that. Look - I have to take things at a pace that I’m comfortable with…..this is a big thing for me too.”

Emil thought for a moment and his expression relaxed. “So - she’s not your girlfriend?”

William cocked his head to the side. He didn’t like where this was going. “Technically, no - she’s not.”

“So she’s here with you now, what happens when she leaves to go back to Toronto, and you’re still here? Are you dating in that situation?”

William bit the inside of his lip and thought about how to answer. “She just got here - and we’ll have to talk about it.”

“So depending on what you decide, she’ll either be available or not?”

William started to respond that it was Loren’s decision too but his voice trailed off, knowing that was not entirely accurate. “That will all be between her and I both - the two of us,” William said calmly, trying to emphasize this has nothing to do with Emil and he needs to butt out.

Emil looked at his long-time friend and shook his head, before turning on his heel and walking away.

“Hey - Emil…c’mon man…,” William called after him.

The only response William heard was “Greedy bastard” as Emil turned the corner.

That was twice William had been called greedy in the past 12 hours; however, only one was a joke.

William hung his head and then looked down the empty street before turning to go back inside. He and Emil had always been solid, but William got the feeling there had been resentments looming for a while. Poor Loren just happened to be the catalyst.

All four ladies had returned and congregated around the adjoining table. No one the wiser about the friction between William and Emil.

William stood close behind Loren, murmuring softly in her ear if she was good to leave. His hands circling around her waist then clasping together around her abdomen took her by surprise, but she sure wasn't complaining.

The ladies made tentative plans to visit a nightclub where Malin's friend would be DJing later that week. The men nodded and shrugged in agreement. It was a familiar, amicable exchange—the guys typically golfed during the day and escorted their girlfriends for a night out. This well-oiled routine helped maintain a peacefulness in their close circle of friends.

Loren and William said their goodbyes, exchanged hugs with their friends, and stepped outside to meet their Uber.

William tried to push his discussion with Emil aside and focus on Loren instead. He rested his hand on her knee, asking what she thought of everyone she'd met. He reveled in her smile as she talked about the personalities of the women she’d met, and even his male friends too. William pulled her in and she rested her head on his collarbone while he absentmindedly ran his finger along a small scar at the top of her kneecap. As unsettling as the conversation with Emil was, Loren’s mere presence

Try as he might, Emil and their heated exchanged remained a prominent thought in his mind. William thought about talking to Loren, wondering if she truly felt that he was stringing her along.

William pushed aside his thoughts as the Uber pulled up to his building. Once inside, he enveloped Loren in his arms, drawing her close and gently caressing her cheek with his lips. It was unbelievable to him at how, in just two days, there had already been two dramas centered around Loren—neither of which she had instigated.

William peppered her neck with kisses - the sensation from both his mouth and his mustache made Loren squeal as she gripped onto his body. His hands roamed, landing on her ass under her dress and giving both of her cheek an affectionate squeeze while he kissed down along her neck.

William finally pulled himself away - walking the dogs with blue balls did not seem enjoyable. Loren watched William change, offering to come with him. He gazed apologetically at her and asked if it would be okay if he went alone. He explained that some things had been mentioned to him by one of his friends and he needed time to mull it over. Loren did press for further clarification, she always assumed if William wanted to give details, he would. Before walking out the door, William pulled her in once more and told her he could hardly wait to join her in bed.

As the dogs lead William along their normal route, he decided to call Emil with the hopes that calmer heads might prevail. William reminded himself to ease into the conversation and to not jump in starting with “what the fuck.”

Emil was cordial initially when he answered, but then he softened as the two friends spoke. He apologized to William for some of the things he said, but he admits that other points he had made, he stood by - which William thought was fair.

“Look - I know it’s me…I know I’m the one that has all of this shit going on about finding “that” girl. I just wasn’t expecting to have the reaction I did when I met Loren - I know you told me all about her but fuck, she’s really something,” Emil said.

William nodded. “Yeah, she really is. She’s like good to the core.”

“So then I don’t get it - fuck, why can’t you just take the plunge…ask her if she wants to get more serious with you?” Emil chuckled “’Cause I swear dude, if she gave me a second look, I’m not hesitating…”

“Jesus dude - like I said - I can’t… I won’t rush this. It’s really not her that I’m worried about - this is me making sure I’m ready to go the distance with anyone. She’s the closest I have ever come to feeling that I can totally commit to someone, but I gotta do this in the way I feel comfortable.”

Emil paused. “Yeah, ok…I get it. Does she know that?”

William pressed his lips together, still tasting Loren’s lip gloss that transferred to his moustache. “I don’t think so - probably not. But I have something planned just for the two of us. I need us to just be completely alone with her and from there, we’ll figure it out.”

“She must be pretty fucking patient to deal with your wide array of shit,” Emil chuckled.

“Ha - yeah, she is. But she’s been through her own shit so I think she’s just as cautious as I am. She actually told me after her last boyfriend fucked her over, that was it - she preferred to be alone. But you know I’m so fucking adorable, she made an exception for me,” William laughed.

Emil lightly scoffed. “Whatever - maybe back in your boy band, fuck boy era… now, you’re all wide and hairy…you’re getting old, man…”

William just laughed. “I’m back at my building and Loren’s probably waiting so - we good?”

“Yeah - all good. Just let me know if something happens and she ends up being available, and I’ll - “

William started to laugh. “Fuck off dude…”

Emil continued “Hey - I won’t hesitate to - “

“Jesus bro - go jerk off or something…”

Emil paused “I’m not saying I already have but -”

“Okay - alright - don’t fucking need to know. See ya’ bro - talk soon…”

William chuckled as he slid his phone back in his pocket. The dogs immediately saw Loren curled up under a blanket on the couch when they walked through the door. He heard her muffled giggles as the dog’s onslaught of affection towards Loren ensued.

After a few minutes, William pulled Loren tightly to his body - they were both tired and ready for sleep. Loren found her favourite spot against his chest and stroked his back, drifting towards slumber.

Loren was somewhere between barely conscious and deep sleep, when she thought she heard William kissing her head and saying, just above a whisper “So amazing. Please be patient with me.”

[just-ice-water-plz2]

💜💜my **personal** reasons to💜💜 🖤 🖤get skinnier🖤🖤 💜

⚠️TW TOXIC⚠️

*** friendly reminder: Summer/June is only 50 days away.***

**notice I said personal reasons meaning only pertaining to me myself and I <3**

🖤to see how jealous my friends get when they see how skinny I am. Remember when she said she was jealous of my legs?! Don’t you want that again?!

💜feeling so pretty and put together no matter what clothes I’m wearing.

🖤to wear my clothes and not have the clothes wear me. I am the main statement piece to every outfit.

💜to make people so envious when they see me enjoying treats and so people think I’m one of those “natural skinny” girls.

🖤to make my bf worry about me.

💜to be noticeably skinnier the next time he holds me.

🖤to look so fragile that people are scared I might break or blow away in the wind.

💜how good it feels knowing I’m underweight. I need to be more underweight. Being a healthy weight is disgusting.

🖤noticing how much women (especially older women) stare at me in envy when I’m just shopping and going about my day in a cute little outfit.

💜to pick the smallest size possible when ordering or trying on clothes

🖤everything looks better skinny

💜to see how people react when they’re in my presence. They’re astounded.

🖤hearing that family members are talking behind my back calling me an0r3xic. They’re just jealous.

💜when a family member says “enjoy your body while you have it. I was skinny at your age too” and now they’re overweight, single with 5 children. I will NEVER look like her. Ever.

🖤being the skinniest person in my friend group

💜the haters want me to gain. Why am I letting them win and feel that satisfaction of seeing me gain. Disgusting. I need to prove them super wrong and be so smoking hot and skinny this summer 💋💋.

🖤 hearing my sister tell me how jealous she is that im so tall and we“naturally skinny” **is anybody really naturally skinny?**

💜seeing how everyone turns their head to look at me at work. Motivates me to look cute at work too.

🖤I just want to be the definition of a dainty, fragile, gorgeous women.

💜when my friend says she wants to be skinny like me.

🖤people telling me I should be a model bcuz I’m so tall and skinny. I need to stop gaining and get back into my skinny grinding era. I’m working on it I swear 😭

💜being skinny is a lifestyle.

🖤**unfriendly reminder** she’s still skinnier than you. Why are you eating for an entire family of 4??! Stop gaining it’s not f***ing cute 😐

💜life is just worth living when you’re skinny. I want to go out and show off my hard work not hide in my house covering my fat rolls. Never again.

🖤knowing how much more attractive being skinny makes you. I was average before but now I’m skinny and gorgeous.

💜knowing I make someone feel bad about their body just by existing in the same room as them. I can tell by people’s reactions when they’re insecure bcuz I’m all dressed up and skinny.

🖤to not be insecure. I was so insecure when I was fat but now I’m skinny so what is there to be insecure about? Except now you’ve gained so apparently there’s a lot to feel bad about.

💜to have a “cheat day” that’s still in a cal deficit bcuz my stomach has shrunk so much I can barley eat without feeling stuffed.

🖤I just love the feeling of knowing I am the one making others jealous instead of me being the jealous one. most of the time. Why not all the time?

💜to wear a bikini this summer and only seeing everyone else’s fat rolls. Not a single one in sight on me. Not if you keep eating like this.

🖤people treat skinnier people better. I know from experience. I love it, it makes me feel so special.

💜if these are my “best years” in life I will have the best body to match these “best years”. And I will have an amazing body still as I age. I will never “let myself go.” Disgusting.

🖤to make my one friend who also has an ed jealous. She always makes me jealous telling me how she only weighs 97lbs. I want to make her jealous. I’m taller than her by a few inches so I definitely can get skinnier than her without going so low. So why haven’t you done it yet?

💜bcuz my so called “best friends” were talking bad about me behind my back so the best revenge is to be the skinniest and hottest one in the group. Talk shit about that you f**king b***h. I always over dress everywhere and get the most compliments as revenge. I have other more real friends who would never.

🖤to make my “friends” even more jealous. I know that’s why they’re talking about me bcuz I’m glowing up so hard right now and they simply cannot handle it. I need to glow up more. I want to see them seeth with jealousy just with my existence.

💜to feel my bones more. I miss feeling my bones like I used to.

🖤to feel how you felt at your LW. Wasn’t that amazing and so thrilling to see the scale say “104lbs.” Why did you stop there? You must get started on losing the f***ing 13+lbs you gained. Gross.

💜 i <3 b e i n g s k i n n y💜

[thefringespod]

Finally got smart enough to make my #AudioDramaSunday list ahead of time so I wouldn't forget anything for once! We're gonna start today with the newest Magus Protocol episode which was phenomenal. Cole Weavers wrote this one and I just adore his writing. Also: Augustus is here 👀

Early access for the newest ep of @souloperatorpod was this week and y'all have a TREAT waiting for you tomorrow. Tot continues to astound me with her many talents and we also get to meet a new character who I'm already in love with

@tellnotalespod has brought us back to Julia and Riley who are overworking themselves (especially Riley. Let them sleep.) I love getting to hear from them in these mini eps but they DO make me want to shake Leo even harder Leo please talk to your friends please

@camlannpod episode 2 released this week and my gods it was so much fun. A blend of deep and emotional scenes and comedy (I'm still thinking about "The CW lied to me") I love every character with my whole heart and have been loving all the theories on tumblr about the show

New @innbetween was so sweet I love hearing the Lowlifes become actual friends. Phoebe thinking that everyone wanted her to leave squeezed my heart so hard and everyone insisting she stay because she was the one that they wanted for the quest??? Just so so good

@somewhereohio has once again knocked me flat with this episode. The worldbuilding around Jasmine and what's going on with her memories is incredible! I am an Orange Splice stan 1st and person 2nd. Also the Nadia/Alex scene breaks my heart because I know how they end 😭.

New Technomancy Project was SO GOOD!! And I was FUCKING RIGHT!!! I said this before but I love having all of them play Belial's game this time around and I don't think there's a single EPO agent who didn't make me cry this ep. The Technomancy Project continues to kick ass

Caught up on last weeks @thesiltverses and gods it fucked me up (affectionate) B Narr does such a fantastic job with Faulkner. I love him. I hate him. I want him to get whats coming to him & I want to protect him from it at the same time. B's performance knocks me flat every time

There was another special episode of @wakeofcorrosion this week featuring the Fringes' very own @totcoc0a and @taytayheyhey! I will never forgive them for what they did to my heart <3 Shaun Pellington wrote a killer script and deserves none of the blame even if it did break me

Continuing to make my way through the Storage Papers this week and episodes 13-19 were VERY good. I said "Nope, don't like that" out loud multiple times while listening to 19 which is the exact reaction you want from a horror pod.

This isn't a new episode listen but @wpwcpod has announced their existence and cast and im SO FUCKING EXCITED!! Not only do I love CL Hendry's writing but it will also feature the Fringes' very own Ollie Bannerman and @chainofbeing Cai Gwilym Pritchard I'm so hyped

Also not a new episode listen but Athan (creator of The Grotto) has announced that his album is coming out on March 29! If you've listened to The Grotto then you know Athan writes killer music. And if you dont listen to the Grotto: DO IT GO LISTEN RIGHT NOW ITS SO GOOD

Here on the Fringes we're preparing for the second half of the season! Episode 19 is available RIGHT NOW at patreon.com/PineTreePods and will be available to the public this Wednesday! Also gearing up to finish the last 3 episodes of season 3 which I'm super excited for

And over on @forgedbondspod the first half of the show is written! The cast has been thrown into a discord and has access to scripts now which is super exciting, I can't wait for yall to hear what's going to come from the first 24 eps

And that's all for this week! It's a long audiodrama Sunday post but there's just. So much good stuff going on. Every day I'm so grateful to exist in this audiodrama space and to share my work with yall <3

[matan4il]

Hi, I’ve seen some gifs of that Thai show, but are those two actors together in real life too?

Hi lovely Nonnie!

Oh wow, I did not expect an ask about Kinnporsche The Series / Mileapo, but I probably should have since I went off a bit in the tags of that gifset reblog, didn't I? XD Please never take me too seriously whenever I claim two specific individuals have invented love, I'm just joking around. Unless I'm talking about David and Jonathan, because they totally did. ;p

But if I'm to try and answer seriously, I would say that officially, the last time either Mile or Apo have addressed the issue of their romantic status, they both said they're single (Mile in Aug 2022, Apo in July 2021 if I'm not mistaken). Of course, that's also the response I would expect from them if they were together. Because just like there are opposite sex couples who meet on the sets of movies and TV shows, and fall in love or just have an affair, there are same sex couples who go through the same thing. The difference is that society (and the entertainment business even more so) is still so homophobic, that these same sex couples often can't come out. I mean, if opposite sex couples sometimes feel they need to keep it to themselves, and we only find out about their romances decades later, like in the case of Jane Seymour and Christopher Reeve (if we find out about them at all), then imagine how much harder it is for same sex couples who fall in love as co-stars... (or even when there's a same sex celebrity couple, period)

Other than Mile, Apo and the people they trust, no one really knows if Mileapo actually are a couple and have to be closeted, or if they're just truly the best of friends who bonded so much as co-stars on the set of KPTS that their behavior is hard to distinguish from the way lovers act towards each other. We also have to take into account that they're from Thailand, and the cultural norms for how men are allowed to interact can be very different. Especially when we remember that they starred in a BL (gay themed show) together, and the norm for that is heavy fan service. I AM convinced that even then, their bond runs deeper than fan service, especially since the original production of KPTS was canceled, and the production company that was set up instead explicitly said it would not require fan service. Plus, this company was co-founded by Mile to save KPTS and give Apo his second chance to shine as an actor, after he had been previously bullied by homophobes into leaving the acting world. So yeah, I have every reason to believe their connection is real.

And the fact that this is a part of their unhinged story (that they met briefly as models 7 years before they auditioned for KPTS, that they obviously thought the other one is an attractive man and remembered each other all of these years, that Mile watched Apo's shows, that they re-connected at the auditions and seem to have been inseparable since, for over 2.5 years now, that they fought together for KPTS to be made and then gave us on screen an astounding love story, that they chose to go on working together on their next projects, including the upcoming queer film Man Suang, and continue to hang out even outside of their busy schedule together) brings us to what is most meaningful to me about them. Whether their bond is romantic or platonic, it's clearly so deep that I wouldn't hesitate to call them soulmates. They love and care for each other, support one another, and I think they healed each other in ways that make me feel soft and happy to know that such love exists in the world. So I'm going to continue rooting for them, and possibly joke about it like I know that they're a couple, because in a very profound sense of the word, even if it's not romantic, they are.

This was probably way too long, my apologies. Okay, have a Mileapo being in sync gif just to make it a bit better...

Have a good day! As always, my ask tag. xoxox

[felgueirosa]

if it’s not too triggering, why were you institutionalized for being picky? (If it’s too personal feel free to delete this ask, sorry)

Hi! It's no problem, it is triggering, but i think about it a lot, and it is something i sometimes shared on here, after it just happened, because i was in shock and had to let people know and to reach out like hey? has this happened to anyone else? but right after that it became too hard to put words to and too triggering to talk about so i talked about it less.

but its a story i want to tell now and am becoming more okay with telling, because i want people to know what happens to people, what happened to me, and what could very well happen to me again

and also, it just so happens i have been thinking about it a lot recently and thinking how to tell my story because i have been psyching myself up to tell my girlfriend.

so like. suuuuuuuuper long story below the cut. can be very triggering, its a very upsetting story. tw for like. institutionalization (obvs), suicide, medical abuse, eating disorders, psychiatric abuse, parental abuse (?)

I was kind of institutionalized. At first, it happened almost 9 years ago, I remember the anniversary every year. I was 16, my doctor recommended I be put in a childrens hospital eating disorder program. I have ARFID, no one really knew what it was at the time. I've had it since i was an infant and went from doctor to doctor and no one had ever seen anyone like me or knew what to do. One doctor said I wouldn't live past 21 if I continued to eat the way I do, but clearly that was not the case.

I am forever astounded by the amount of people I run into on here and online in general who identify as having ARFID or being that level of picky eater, though talking with some of them more in depth, it seems like they are often not on the level of pickiness i am on and seem to have experienced less shame and be more open about discussing it though everyone is different and impossible to tell.

I was excited for the program at first before it started. I thought they were going to help me and I would finally be a normal person. I was so tired of being harassed by random strangers, laughed at by waiters, and ridiculed by my family. Every person I made friends with I had to at some point make a terrifying confession to and going on dates (for the small regrettable amount I did it in high school) was near impossible when I had to show the part of myself that I was most ashamed about and hated the most on the first date.

I thought at the program I would find specialists who would sympathize with me and help me and would fix me. And when I got there, before anything even happened, I had to sign all these papers, and my parents did too, and I didn't know what they were, I didn't question it. What I signed didn't even really matter anyways, I was 16. And the first day I brought my phone with me and a book, and my bag with some other stuff. But after I signed everything, they took everything I had away, and we went to this room with all these doctors, 'my treatment team', I had never met them before, they barely looked at me or talked to me, but they talked about me and my 'treatment plan' and they were never caring to me, never talked to me like a person.

The plan, as it was for everyone, was that they give you three meals a day, of whatever food they bring you, you have to eat all of it by the time an alarm they set goes off, you have to drink every drop of water they give you, have to use every packet of sauce they give you. If you don't do this, you get moved down a 'level' and you get privileges taken away. Things like watching tv, or being around other patients, but most of all, I found out that being moved down a level just meant you usually get locked in a room by yourself for a few hours because that happened to me. a lot.

i was very upset when i found this out. this was not helping me. because as i found out, it turns out no one really knows a fucking thing about helping people with mental illnesses or eating disorders or developmental disabilities even though the medical establishment likes to talk about how much it has progressed. they don't know a single fucking thing.

so i finally went out to the common room with the other patients. i was crying very hard and told the doctors that was it i wanted to leave i didn't want to be part of the program. but they told me it was too late i already signed the consent forms. so i don't know if medical consent/institutionalization is still like this almost 10 years later, if someone was lying to me or if this is true, but my mom also told me the same thing, and apparently if you consent to this kind of thing you cannot take it back. which by definition, makes it not consent.

i remember sobbing in the common area with the other patients (they were all girls, about same age as me), and there was another new patient, also sobbing. the other girls tried to comfort us and talk to us, but the orderlies (i don't really know what else to call them, all they really did was sit and watch us and make sure we didn't do anything that wasn't allowed. they were all college girls. they were extremely mean to us, they thought we were being dramatic) wouldn't let them, we weren't really allowed to talk to each other much and we weren't allowed to touch each other and we very specifically for some reason were not allowed to comfort each other.

i was crying especially hard because i knew that this program was expected to last for a couple months. but as i talked to the other girls there the small amount i was able to, i found out that most of them had been there for much longer than a couple months, many of them for over a year. i managed to catch my parents as they were leaving from dropping me off and talking with the doctors (i had only been there still only like 3 or 4 hours) and screamed at them to get me out of here. my mom seemed really shaken by the way i was acting and the doctor told her not to worry and i specifically remember him saying "they all act like this at the beginning".

it is something i will never forget because every time i tried to convince my mom to get me out of there she seem conflicted based on the fact that the doctor said that. and it hits me every time that all the doctors, the nurses, the people working there, can see children. children. acting like that about what they are doing to them and think they are doing the right thing. i will never forget it ever. and every person who came in after me did the same thing! because it was prison! it was punishment! for having a eating disorder! for being autistic! when i was able to talk to my mom, she kept saying "we are not trying to punish you" and the more times she said i realized she was trying to convince herself.

i ate some of the foods they gave me but i never got used to them like they said i would. i just got knocked down a level every time and got locked in a room. and the thing is, unlike most media and reports about mental wards or asylums. it was a nice hospital. it was brand new. the room i was locked in was not a padded room. one of the walls was just a window. and in some ways, that made it worse. because it looked out on a highway and i saw all the cars going to and from work, going to the store, going to eat. and they were so free and they could go where they wanted and eat what they wanted and when they wanted and they weren't locked in a room. and they passed this hospital and had no idea what was happening to me or to anyone else here and it made me so angry and so defeated. i felt so close to being away from a waking nightmare but i knew i would never get there. a year!!! i could be there for over a year.

a year without going where i wanted when i wanted. no access to my phone. i wasn't allowed to see my friends. i wasn't allowed to read my books. i wasn't allowed to eat what i wanted when i wanted. i did therapy a few times a day but it was more like an interrogation. when i was a high enough level to be in the common room, i sat in the corner and did puzzles obsessively so i could just dissociate and focus on the puzzles. eventually the therapist told me i wasn't allowed to do puzzles anymore because it was "distracting from my recovery" and i "wasn't thinking about my eating" (i don't know what the fuck i was supposed to be thinking about). it got to the point where i felt like i didn't have ownership of my own mind anymore. i wasn't allowed to dissociate. i wasn't thinking about what they wanted me to be thinking about.

they told me if i "was good" (aka if i reached a high enough level, not going to happen) i could write them a list of 100 songs. they would load all the songs on an ipod shuffle to loan to me. but only after they listened to all of them first to make sure they were appropriate. they told me if i "was good" maybe i could see my best friend for a few hours for one weekend. a few hours. for one weekend. i was understanding how truly controlling the program was. seeing a friend for a few hours once a month is a privilege. listening to a few songs they approve is a privilege.

but it didn't matter. i realized after the first day that obviously i had to kill myself. i was already in a pretty bad place before the program and was passively suicidal but i realized instantly that i could not live like this and if i was going to be stuck here indefinitely then my only way to escape was to end my life. i didn't have a plan at that point but i knew for certain i was going to do it. the loss of control, the violation, the loss of body and self was unbearable.

every morning they had us strip and then weighed us and did an ekg. why did they have us strip and do an ekg? it doesnt seem like it has much of a point. they watched us go to the bathroom. it all seemed like humiliation and violation for the sake of it.

even after the second day i had realized that i didnt want to be fixed or get better and i had to come to the very quick realization that there had never been anything wrong with me. when i went to therapy they asked me questions like "don't you want to be able to go to restaurants?" "don't you want to be able to eat with friends?" and i realized none of that had to do with my health. the reason i had problems with restaurants was because they didn't accommodate to me and the reason i had problems with friends was all social. all these reasons i had for wanting to be fixed and all these reasons they had for me to want to be fixed were other peoples' problems. the way people treated me was not my problem.

for your treatment plan, one of the first steps was to admit in group therapy that you had an eating disorder and what your problems were (i fucking know) and that would get you more privileges but i decided i wasn't going to do that because i didn't have a problem, my "problem" was everyone else's problem and the way they treated me. so i refused to every session and got locked in the room every time for this. they fucking hated me for it.

if you can't tell how long i was there for based on this. i was only there for a week. because after a week our insurance came back and declined to cover the program. i always hate myself that it was a week. it doesnt feel long enough. for the amount that it did for me. for how much it does to me almost 9 years later. it doesn't feel like enough.

i got home and screamed at my parents. i was so angry. my mom had allegedly been trying the entire time to get me out of the program, but my dad had been trying to keep me in. when i got home my dad had taken away my phone and my laptop and said he wasnt giving them back. i screamed at him and cried and he threatened to call the hospital and have them lock me up forever. i was terrified, i tried to get away from him, to hide. and he got out his phone and took video of me, at my worst moments, he claimed to show to the doctors. i ran away. for a few hours. i had nowhere to go. i ran about a mile. and then sat down outside the rec center and cried until it got dark. and then i went home.

i had nightmares that i was still there for months. it never ended. i was so paranoid about everything. i thought people were coming to lock me up. i couldn't draw any attention to myself or i thought i would be locked up. every time we drove anywhere near the hospital i thought my parents were taking me back there. i was so paranoid i couldn't sleep i couldn't sit i couldn't do anything i had to be looking out for everything and i trusted no one. i walked around, angry at everyone, that they were so carefree in everything and they had no idea what happened to me. i was angry it happened to me and they were worried about things that had no importance. i was angry when adults thought they knew more than me and i felt i had been through more in life at 16 than they had at their age. was it true? i'm not sure.

i think the most important thing i learned, whether true or not, besides not needing to be fixed, was that i could never trust anyone and never ask anyone for help again. i thought they would help me and i was excited. for some time, i thought it was my fault. at least partially. but now i am angry. i was 16. who would do that to a 16 year old who was looking for help because of how people had treated them?

for a while after i talked about arfid a ton on tumblr and also on wordpress. i created the actuallyarfid tag but became disillusioned when so many people in the tag just talked about wanting to get rid of it or their progress in getting rid of it. and eventually i couldn't even talk about it anymore. it was too tied to everything that happened and i was still so ashamed of it. it was to triggering. i stopped.

i think for similar reasons i have stopped associating so much with the autistic community online. i think it has jaded me so much to see so many people who have only had the slightest negative consequences of being autistic and do being autistic like putting on and taking off a coat after something like this happened to me. it was in this program that doctors first told my parents they think i am autistic though i wasnt diagnosed until later. i recognize now that having arfid is part of my being autistic but i don't like to talk about it in the context of having arfid because i don't feel like i 'have' anything. it is just me being me. and i use autistic as a label when i need to explain my needs and differences to people quickly and its fun to make jokes about being autistic sometimes but i dont like to constantly identify myself that way.

my parents are "health" nuts (fake garbage health bullshit) so they were still convinced my eating was going to kill me and many years later have taken me to see several nutritionists. and all these years later, after doctors many years ago declared i had a problem and would die, most of them did not see a huge problem with the way i eat. one of them in particular who i love and have seen over and over again at the behest of my parents has pointed out many things to me. there are plenty of adults who don't eat or barely eat fruits and vegetables. there are plenty of adults who eat the same thing every day (bring the same thing for lunch at work everyday anyone?). the world does not end. if you are different and you do it. then you are a problem and you need to be fixed. but if it is within socially acceptable norms, then it's okay.

i've always thought that some day i wanted to write about what happened to me publicly. in a paper or something. i want people to know. that this happened to me. that this happens to people. still. that it could very well happen to me again. though i'm not sure i could take public response if i did write about it. and after i got out of the program, i wrote it all in a journal, but then ripped it up and shredded it because the words weren't enough. they were so insignificant and i could never ever find the words to capture how horrifying it was what happened to me and how badly it ruined me and destroyed me. it changed my whole life and my perspective on everything. but i think now, almost 10 years later i am starting to find the words. and i think now i am less scared.

[scarlett-dunbar101]

Cast light into the shadows

Soulmate Au

Azriel x reader (part 1)

Soulmates are usually made within the same reality. It is a very rare occurrence that someone gets a soul mark for a person in another dimension. Almost all of them never find away into that world. How could they? Magic does not exist with in our realm, or so we thought. Well…. turns out you just need know where to look.

I dreamt all day, everyday of being in these worlds created by astounding books I knew without doubt I did not belong in this world. My heart ached when I disappeared into my books, only to come back to this reality. On my 21 birthday when everyone receives their soul mark, it was confirmed when I got my soul mark. “Azriel shadow singer” appeared across my rib cage, I was not long for this world. I knew exactly where I belonged but how would I get there. I was determined to find away. I spent countless hours scouring the internet trying to find away to get there.

I went to work and asked my best friend. I walked over to Jordan and whispered “ I need to show you something.” And headed toward the bathroom, she was two steps behind. Once inside I checked the stalls then locked the bathroom door. I lifted and showed her my soul mark. Once she read it, she gasped with realization. I look her dead in the face, “ I need to find a way.” she contemplates many things for a moment and says “ I may know a way. Meet me outside after work.” All through out our shift I see her texting someone vigorously.

After we are closed we are walking outside to her car. When I see a tall, gorgeous, black haired, blue eyed woman leaning on the trunk. I give Jordan a quizzed look. She holds up her hand and goes over speaking in hushed tone before beckoning me over. As I approach the women is very blunt and blurts “ I can make it happen but I can not determine when or where you will appear.” I nod “ I want to try anyways.” She closes her eyes starts this song like chant and it sounds like he voice doubles and echos inside my head. It disorients me so I close my eyes. Finally when her voice is gone and I open my eyes I am still here and she is gone. I look at Jordan with confusion and sadness. All she utters is, “ Give it time.”

I go home and take shower, decompressing from the day I have had. Once I lay down to go to sleep, it comes at me all at once and I don’t even remember when my eyes closed. As I dream I seem to fall through this endless darkness that seems to move and hum with life around me. It seems to think before an immense, excruciating and nauseating pain erupts from my back and angel-like wings begin to grow, with feathers of black and gold. I scream in pain as they finish growing. Then I feel this power flow through me that feels like life itself. This golden light erupts from every pore in my body, then disappears. Then suddenly I am yanked from the darkness and thrown on a cold hard floor, sopping wet. I look around as the whole room is silent and all eyes are on me in shock. I try to figure out how the faces belong to. I see two other girls in sopping wet dresses. One whose face is more soft, mousey I know that to be Elain, so I deduce the other to be Nesta. The hulk of a man lying on the floor with shredded wings is Cassian and Azriel with the shadows that clinging to him.

I’m interrupted when the King growls at me, “ Who are you?” I move to stand no realizing the state of my undress. Feyre moves towards me and covers me with her cloak, I nod to her in thanks. I look up at the man on the thrown and say, “ I was someone in this other world, but’ I look back at my wings and then back to him ‘ I am someone different now. I don’t feel the same, i am not the same. Better but not at the same time.” I look down at me hands. “ what do you mean?” I don’t even have to respond. Because my hands start emitting pure energy and light. The whole room collectively sucks in air. The events between Tamlin, Feyre and Rhysand have already transpired because she stands next to him and not her mate.

I stepped back my eyes darting to the door, wanting to make a break for it. I knew I wouldn’t make it far with these new wings and barely wearing any clothes . My eyes then landed on Azriel praying he could feel the mating bond, when our eyes connected. He has a sharp in take of breathe, “ it’s not possible.” Is all he said. He shows no effort to move in my direction. My head dropped, Rhysand speaking in my mind come to my side. So I moved to towards him and the King ask “ where are you going?” Rhysand’s confident voice spoke “ she is spoken for and will be coming back with me.” The King growled but did not argue. Rhys wrapped his arm around me as he guided me out of the throne room. Nesta helped Elain follow and Azriel helped Cassian.

~time skip~

I have been wasting away to nothing in my room at the house of wind. I didn’t leave, Azriel refused to talk to me or see me for reasons unbeknownst to me. Also I refused to let in the light that my body needed, that it craved so desperately. That’s another reason that I could feel myself slowly dying because I had neither of the things that I longed for, the things that made me want to breathe and see the sun.

One morning I awoke from a deep sleep to hear arguing down the hall. “ Go see her damn it, Az!” Azriel whispers something back in hushed tones. Cassian was not a happy with his response so he roars back, “ She is dying! And a lot faster than Elain or Nesta! You have a mate and you are allowing her to die!” His volume grew seeming to shake the whole tower.

In an effort to make them stop fighting, I tried to stand. Not knowing I couldn’t from the state of my body and the weight of my wings, I collapse to the floor. The pain from the impact reverberates through my body, causing me to yell out in pain.

I hear the door swing open and rushed footstep, but I don’t look up. I keep my hair in front of my face as curtain between me and him so he won’t see the tears running down my face. I can't bare to look up and not see the man I really need in front of me. I feel a hand brush my hair behind my ear and when he whispers gently and sensitively, “ Look at me.”… My eyes timidly raise to meet hazel eyes that gleam in the rising suns light.

It’s not Cassian kneeling before me…..

[worryingthing]

I got a 9 to 5 (well, 8 to 6 with commute) and I've been struggling with the overall change. It's hard to stay positive in this current climate, and I feel like I am going insane every time I glance at social media or the news. But I guess having a gig means I'm busy, or at least occupied, which is helpful as much as I resent it. Life in Queens is great but everything does still feel a little foreign and far off. The weather being so dramatic has not helped either, I am very unhappy about having to pull out my tights and sift through which pairs have holes or can still be worn (70% had holes and Uniqlo stopped making their heat tech tights in Navy - guess I'll die, etc).

Anyway, I can feel my spirit being worn down by office lighting, small talk, k cups, how absolutely shitty the R train is, and people having speakerphone conversations on the bus and train at 8 a.m. All of it. So I wanted to return to a practice of gratitude to remind me to maybe stave off a little despair. I was really enjoying my tarot pulls when my life had a lot more uncertainty (does he like me? turns out, yes!! Will I ever get a job? Yeah, but now it's my whole life and I am always tired) Anyway in an act of anger at me for being gone from my home for most of the day now, Leelou (one of my cats) threw up on my tarot deck! A card or two is worse for the wear and I haven't decided if I am going to replace it or try to keep working with it just yet.

anyway!

I found a good smash burger in the neighborhood!! Petey's. It's perfect. The relief I feel at having discovered this is immense.

also food (I'm a Taurus?!) but I went to King of Falafel after hopping off the 30th ave stop. Sam had pointed it out to me when we walked to the train and it had a 15-minute wait so we walked a little further and he pointed out some things I hadn't seen since I live off a different stop. The falafel was probably the best I've ever had and it was beautiful to stand in a Palestinian restaurant so proud of its heritage. There was a wait for pita so I waited and was rewarded with a bonus piece, which was so warm and fluffy and heavenly to tear into on my walk back home. I will definitely be going back.

Access Oasis Garden, which my friend Kate founded. Right now we're focused on showing the Parks department and community that we're committed as a group so on Saturday I got to be a part of some bulb planting. To put something in the ground as a gift for future enjoyment is so rewarding, and signifies a deep hope, I feel. I am so astounded by how quickly things have moved and I can't wait to see it grow further. I also got to make some new friends, who ended up coming to the soup event at the beer hall after the planting was done. It was a really beautiful day of community!

Good hugs from friends! getting to share in the joy of a friend's good news.

Sam, who is so understanding and gentle and thoughtful. I'm still like, wait what, is this real? It turns out I am all about clear communication and intent! It's great!

Becoming emboldened re: work snacks, speaking of it is almost time for me to sneak some hummus at my desk. Sometimes on my lunch, I browse the dollar store candy section just to amuse myself, which is how I ended up with a desk drawer full of tootsie rolls.

Radio.Garden. I do sometimes browse the map endlessly, and I love to visit the station websites! I have found a few stations that originated as in-hospital or nursing home stations but graduated to internet broadcasts. Many stations I stumble upon are community-founded, which I love to see because I find the idea of radio of course extremely romantic, but also hopeful. It is also a perfect tool if you're not sure what you want to listen to - which happens to me a lot as someone who experiences intense decision paralysis. There's a station on the west coast of France that plays classical before lunch and jazz after. I began my work morning with AshiyaRadio, a Japanese jazz station.

for some reason, my rosacea goes nuts at work (I turn pink when dehydrated) but I bought this mini Tower 28 rescue spray and it seems to help a little, plus I like how refreshing it feels. Let me just anoint my visage real quick in this office hell space, etc

Tears of the Kingdom - which is soooo immense it's overwhelming but I have been enjoying dropping in and trying to further along my journey with various side quests. It's a perfect game to just meander around in, every last detail is stunning. I should remind myself I can take my switch on my work commute!!

Seemingly breezing through a lot of big changes with minimal anxiety?? I have been complaining a lot about how exhausted I've been but it's my fourth week and I had to learn/memorize A LOT the first two, so now it's slightly more routine and less overwhelming. I had one crying meltdown during the height of my period and missed a group of friends out, but I am pretty sure I needed that cry and it was unavoidable.

I know what's for dinner (the relief!): the half package of pumpkin ravioli I splurged on from the store and half a head of broccoli. I finish both in sage brown butter, toasted breadcrumbs, parmesan, and lemon. Still have to figure out a work lunch, though ):

Sometimes it's really hard to tell if these sorts of things are even worth posting or just too navel-gazy, but I stuck with it and I'm posting and my outlook on life does feel improved, surprisingly. I'm also not in talk therapy because how can that even happen with my new schedule? So writing it out it is.

[popcornstar45]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers ♡

Sims of course, specifically sims3. I originally found out about about the sims while searching for mermaid games. I then got a chance to play a friends sims2/ sims3 collection and was immediately hooked. The first sims game I bought was the sims3 base game + Island paradise combo pack. The sims3 has helped me get through some very hard times. It gave me a sense of control, freedom and escape. Now-a-days it is more of a stress reliver and creative outlet. I will always love the sims and this creative community.

2. Fantasy/ Scifi. I have always loved Myths, legends and the supernatural. The thought of being able to have a sim become a mermaid and dive underwater was astounding to a younger me. Some of the first sims I made were hideous amalgamations of every fantasy creature I could think of.

3. Custom Content. I am a sucker for a good piece of CC. looking back I am shocked how much CC I used to have in my game. I am so glad I am better organized now.

4. Cats, dogs and animals. I have three cats and one dog and they are my everything. I have always had pets and feel extremely grateful to have them in my life.

5. My sibling. I only have one but they make my life complete. They bring me true happiness.

Thank you @armanasims for the questions. I hope that they helped everyone to get to know me a little better.

[shiloh-the-pokemon]

Off-Screen Post

Blue raced through the streets of Cascarrafa as fast as his little legs could run. Shiloh had no trouble keeping up, but being out in public made them nervous. There were glances and stares from what felt like every angle. Shiloh tried to keep to back alleys, but it was hard to do both that and see where Blue was racing too.

Blue stopped for a minute, clearly out of breath, "Hurry up, Cloud! What if I told you its the greatest surprise ever!"

"yeah, can we just-"

Blue was already racing off again before Shiloh could finish.

After a few more minutes, Blue stopped in front of an alleyway. He started jumping in the air.

"Back here back here back here!"

Shiloh walked up to the alley. There was a left turn at the end of the alley. Shiloh walked in, and Blue walked next to them.

"Okay so basically um, before I show you my big surprise I gotta tell you a story."

Blue stepped in front of Shiloh before they could turn the corner. Shiloh sat down, "alright, lets hear it."

Blue could hardly stand still, Shiloh was afraid they would literally start bouncing off the walls with excitement. "Alright alright alright. So basically. There's this big tall building here, and that's where the strongest Pokemon ever go to battle! I think! And I went to battle there too! Because, um, I had a trainer. Two trainers! My first trainer, they gave me to a new trainer. Because they had a different Wooper. So the other Wooper went to my old trainer. I think it was because I was different. And the other Wooper was not blue and not different."

For the first time since Shiloh had met Blue, his giant smile went away. "The new trainer, we went to the tall building to fight the strong Pokemon. And um all his other Pokemon got hurt and couldn't fight. So it was my turn. But then..."

Blue climbed on top of a trash can for dramatic effect, though most of the effect was lost due to how long it took them to get up there. "The strongest Pokemon ever came out! And it had this big giant crown! And it beat me!

"And my new trainer, he got really mad and sad. He was- he was not nice to me. I think because I lost.

"So guess what!" Blue's smile returned, "I ran away from him! And he searched and stuff but he never found me because I'm the sneakiest ever! So that's why I'm gonna prove him wrong and show him I'm the strongest ever, even if I am blue!"

Blue turned the corner. He poked his head out after a moment, "Psst, follow me!"

Shiloh followed him back. Behind the corner was a pile of glistening blue shards. Shiloh could recognize them, Tera shards. Water ones too, by the looks of it.

Blue walked over to the pile, "Tada! My crown! Um, its a work in a progress."

Shiloh walked over, the blue glow reflected in their eyes. It was astounding. "how many of these are there?"

Blue was beaming with pride, "65 glowy blue shards! I'm gonna evolve into a Clodsire, and then I'm gonna have two more feet, and then I'm gonna make a crown just like the strong Pokemon have! And then I'm gonna be so strong! And- and!"

Blue kicked one of the shards out of the pile, "Now I'm gonna have 64 because I'm gonna give my 32nd friend Cloud one!"

"blue, buddy, you dont have to-"

"I wanna! 32 is a special number because its half the number of shards I have now! So if you don't take one then its not a special number and I can't get you all excited for nothing!"

Shiloh picked up the shard and stared at it. It felt cool to the touch, and it reflected their face in its surface. "thank you." Shiloh smirked, "youre definitely gonna be the strongest clodsire ive ever met, i tell ya."

Shiloh was, of course, lying through their teeth. After all, they knew Clodsire of the Elite Four.

...Who they ran from.

"You bet I am! And! I'm gonna have the coolest crown ever!"

The glistening of the Tera shards faded. Shiloh looked up, expecting a cloud to have passed overhead. Instead, they found that the sun was already setting. Had they really spent the whole day in Cascarrafa?

"yknow, crown or not, youre still pretty cool."

"D'ah, thanks Cloud! You're cool too!" Blue yawned, "So what are we gonna do tomorrow?"

Tomorrow. Shiloh would be something else tomorrow. And they couldn't stay here. Shiloh didn't know why, but they felt the urge to keep moving. As if staying in one place too long was dangerous. As if getting comfortable was a bad thing.

As if they shouldn't let people get close to them.

Shiloh looked at Blue and sighed, "sorry bud, but i got somewhere to be. important stuff, yknow?"

Lies.

"What! But we were having so much fun. You'll come back, right? I gotta show you my crown when its done!"

"i-" Shiloh didn't want to make false promises. But Blue was silently pleading with them. Wasn't there a time when Shiloh was also the weird kid? Wasn't there a time where Shiloh needed a friend more than anything?

...Wasn't that time now?

"i'll come back, yeah. i just gotta. figure stuff out. but i promise."

Blue jumped, "Yes! Go do your important stuff, Cloud! And I'm gonna make the greatest crown ever! Its a deal!"

Shiloh nodded, "catch ya on the flip side, blue."

They ran into the streets, getting out of town before night fell. The Tera shard safely stowed in their satchel.

[kquil]

hii congrats on 1k!!

🧁: cupcake

sorry if i didn’t do this correctly

i am 5’4, tan with long brown hair, i am very chill, sarcastic, blunt yet somehow a people pleaser and have a very close friend circle. My style is pretty minimal (simple mini dresses, jeans and a top, but always wearing a necklace and rings). My hobbies consist of movie marathons, drinking with my girls, smoking and silly dancing to rock music. Oh also i have an unhealthy obsession with pink. I am a Gryffindor and my love language is quality time and physical touch.

that’s it hope i didn’t mess it up! And i love your writing btw 💗

You requested this just fine, darling, don't worry ٩( ^ᴗ^ )۶ and thank you so much for the congratulations and for enjoying my writing!

I ship you with James Potter!

i. james truly appreciates how blunt you are. whenever he did something stupid, you weren't afraid to put things the way the were, plain and simple

ii. that was one of the many reasons why he fell so hard for you. you spoke your mind unapologetically and helped him grow as a person; of course, because he had so much growing up to do, it took extra work to finally have you see him romantically - thankfully, he wasn't one to pick up on sarcasm so your sarcastic remarks never deterred him. it was astounding to you but also admirable how determined he was when he had his mind set, especially on you.

iii. he also loved your minimal style because he was able to appreciate your beauty so much more through it. he especially loved your collection of pretty necklaces and rings. they were all potential gifts that he kept a look out for since he, over time, became an expert on your preferred style of jewellery.

iv. "they're pretty," james would say as he admires the rings on your hand before directing his attention to your necklace and subconsciously leaning in closer for a better look, "your necklace too," he adores how prettily the necklace sits against your smooth skin, tracing the valleys of your collarbones as you feel a heat creep up your neck to your cheeks. "take a closer look, my don't you?" he doesn't pick up on your sarcasm and takes your words as an offer to lean closer, "JAMES! AHH!" you shout when his breath tickles your neck, "Oh! S-sorry, love,"

v. he wants to go drinking with you and the girls too but you have to explain that its a 'girls night' for a reason; it's girls only so he can't come. he thinks that if he pulls enough sad eyes at you, you'd give in but you remain strong and leave him with a soft kiss on the lips and a promise to be back soon. he's on standby for when you want to come home but are too wasted to even make it out the pub/bar. he takes very good care of you when you arrive home as well as when the next morning comes and you're hung over as all hell. you bet you're being served breakfast in bed with a side of painkillers and lots of water!

vi. james asks to borrow sirius's rock music vinyls so that he can do silly dancing with you and pull giggle after giggle from your pretty lips. your laugh has to be one of his favourite sounds in the world

vii. he finds it adorable that you dance to rock music wearing all shades of pink. it's a juxtapose that he's grown really fond of. now he associates rock music with pink, which is an odd but similarly suitable fit for the genre ⏤ you made it make sense to him

viii. he hates your smoking habit though. whenever he sees you with a cigarette in your mouth, he pulls the cigarette away, stamps it out with his foot and, just as you're about to rain hell on him, he grabs your face and kisses you deeply. "If you're ever feeling the urge to smoke, you come to me and i'll make you crave something else," ⏤ those were his exact words

ix. you and james are most compatible when it comes to cuddling and wasting the day away in bed together, simply enjoying each other's company while tangled up in each other's arms. he loves giving you small kisses every where he can reach but he's found that every time he gives you a light kiss, you seem to want to cuddle into him more and more; he'd be dead before he doesn't take advantage of that life hack with you

x. honourable mention, i also, lowkey ship you with, sirius black. both lovers of rock music, you both sneak away to attend concerts together and he would wear pink with you, he doesn't care. the two of you choreograph silly dances to your favourite rock songs together and sometimes end up dancing in the halls without the music in the background - it's super cute. he teaches you how to blow smoke rings and you're both often seen shotgunning each other before you finally lean in and kiss each other deeply. sirius also can't keep his hands off you, sexually but also innocently as well. he'd make any excuse just to be close to you because he's so touch starved and appreciates how you lean in close and never complain about his clinginess.

[gyu-dloml]

To Uri Boo, the softest and sassiest person I know.

Boo Seungkwan. Our Boo Seungkwan. Cutest human alive. Variety King. Funny and sassy.

That's Seungkwan. But if you really get to know him, he's so much more. He's observant, sensitive and filled with so much love. He's a good member, he's a good friend, son, brother and on top of that; he's an amazing idol. A role model. Who worked hard for his team even before their debut. Who still, after having tasted so much success, is working hard to give it his all.

Seungkwan makes me believe that people care. I realise everytime he talks that he genuinely cares. It's not just him saying that we should take care and eat well but he really hopes we do. I really hope you do too, Kwannie. I hope you laugh a hundred times more than you've made me laugh. I wish all of the stars align in your favour and that you live a long and healthy life.

Thank you for working so hard for Seventeen. Thank you for being who you are. Because everytime that I cry now, I don't think it's weak, rather I think it's strong and it only makes me human. Like you. Loving people around me and showing it doesn't scare me as much anymore because I've seen how you love. How you show love to people around you. And I can only wish to experience love like that in atleast one of my lifetimes. So I've becoming more loving and forgiving, thanks to you, my Boo.

Please be happy always. I don't think I could ever bare witnessing you anything other than smiling. But that's wrong of me. To wish that you'd always be my strength because like I said, you're human. Like me. So it's okay if you cry, if you break down, if you want to stop and take a breath. I'll always be here, miles away but always rooting for you. Only you if I need to.

Before I end this, I can't forget to absolutely gush about how perfect you are, as very dedicated fangirl. Do you realize how handsome you're becoming day by day. You're no longer the chubby and sassy baby boo, and that's only natural. I hope you know you're no less than anyone in making me go insane with the slightest things that you do. Your voice, your hands, the way you talk and when you dance - you have me completely mesmerized every single time. For the love of God and my well being, stop being so goddamn pretty and beautiful and astounding and every good word in my vocabulary. You're the best singer with the most soothing and raspy voice. I hope you never doubt it. You're an all rounder idol. In conclusion, you're everything nice and pretty and I am utterly in love.

Stay strong my love! You've provided me so much strength so I only hope my love is strong enough to travel across the ocean and reach you somehow. Take care, okay my precious?

And like always,

With all the love I have in me,

From Tia <3

To my talented and very loving,

Seungkwannie :3

I realized that I have a lot of realisations. One being that as I continue writing for each member, I have more to say than before. I feel so sorry and I just want to scream, scream and scream that I love every member. I think I'll go back and add so much more for everyone once I'm done with all of the 13 members. Please let me know if I'm doing something weird.

Ps. To the love of my life, Kim Mingyu

You're still my favorite and best boy ever and you will always be. Please know that I love Seventeen a lot and I love YOU more.

[90frogsinatrenchcoat]

✴ 🎀 ~~~𝑀𝒶𝑔𝓃𝑜𝓁𝒾𝒶~~~ 🎀 ✴

'Magnolia:'

She wrote,

'An Open Love Letter to the Most Astounding, Deeply Astonishing, Brilliantly Philocalistic Woman I've Ever Known'

She paused, holding her hands painfully close to the keyboard of her laptop. She had only known her for 4 years. This seemed far from appropriate.. there was no occasion to prompt such a thing, nothing had happened in their lives to stir such emotion in her, and yet.. she found herself in quiescent serendipity as she typed this letter of adoration for a girl several months from her own age.

'There are 8 types of love. Historically, you are meant to learn these with several people, throughout your entire life. Yet, I find myself, so hopelessly enamored with you in a blazingly desperate platonic love in all its facets.

The first of the 8 loves, Philia, is Affectionate love; catalyzed by a bonding of the mind, reciprocated through deep conversation and support during hard times. You taught me this when my Parents divorced. When I needed a mother, you held me. When I cried over what I was losing, you held my hand. When no one would listen, you found me, and you looked me in the eye, and you told me that I was valid.

The second, is Pragma, Enduring Love; Enduring love, whose catalyst lies in the subconscious. Shown by creating long-lasting relationships with genuine effort. You stoked the small fire that was my heart till it was a burning blue flame and tended to it with everything you could spare.

The third love, Storge, Familiar Love; is Most often felt between a mother and child or childhood friends. I've only known you for 4 years- but those 4 years have been more constructive, and more familiar than any of my childhood ever was. I can recognize your voice, your hair, your eyes, your figure, all in mere seconds; your voice lights up my day and brings my rushing mess of a brain to a screeching halt.

The most important of the love you have taught me, however, is Philautia: Self Love. Through everything I have been through, through everything we have been through, you have taught me to be comfortable with my authentic self. Through years of pain and hardships, losses and pain, you have stayed so wonderfully true to who you are. And yet, you contribute that to me. And that is an honor I would never dream of accepting.

You say that I showed you how to be loud, how to take up space, how to be yourself.. and yet, I found that above all things in our friendship, the thing I envy most about you is your confidence. Every day you dress to impress yourself, not others. Despite your hardships, you smile. You always wear the bravest, most joyous smile. And the mere thought of providing you with that smile makes my heart pound violently in my chest, my eyes water and I feel a pang of guilt, guilt that I might not be good enough. You live in a storybook- a novel, where you find your way through the world. And I find myself to be a side character, the comedic relief that provides everyone with a laugh. The sidekick with big ideas but no clue what they're doing. And yet, whenever I say such things out loud, you silence my fears with the most amazing hug I've ever felt. You wrap your arms around me and tell me to be quiet. You tell me it's okay. You tell me I am my own person, my own main character.. it's just not my chapter yet.

So to Magnolia, the girl who taught me to be a woman when I had nothing but a broken heart and fragile mind, I thank you. And I wonder, alone in my heart, sleeping softly in the warmth of my now calm mind, if you would ever know the impact you have on me. If you would ever know how deeply I envy you, how desperately I plead with the universe to allow me to even begin to be like you. Every soft pastel princess has a deep green goblin companion.. and if I would have the privilege to be your sage green fairy friend, I would be happy. To see you be so happy, to see you falling in love, to see you finding yourself.. and to think that, had I not sat behind you that day during our freshman science class.. to think- although the thought terrifies me- that we might have never met.. I would give myself for you to be allowed to keep being you.

My last words to you, Magnolia, are this:

Keep being you. Keep being the prettiest girl in the world, in your golden gowns and bright makeup. And on the days you need rest, I will await you in your castle, holding a warm blanket and your favorite book, more than content to just be included in your story. You will always be the Prettiest Girl I've Ever Known. Inside and out.

She took in a deep breath, pressed save, and closed her laptop. She would never publish this letter. She knew the words she had just written would never be heard by another living soul. And though that pained her, she knew it was not her choice. Magnolia was her own person. Which meant she was her own person. And the time for thanks had not yet reared its head. So she put her laptop in her bag, zipped it up, grabbed her purse, and set out to find herself, guided by a Magnolia compass.

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

Interesting observations I've made recently.

It's 7/28/2024 1:30 pm

I went on a first date yesterday. His name is Tim. We spent the last few weeks texting, voice memo'ing, and then eventually: chatting via the phone. Saturday was the 3-week mark of us knowing about one another's existence thanks to Hinge (Not Sponsored).

I like him.

It's been cool to interact like this, we have been in contact every day which makes me feel like we are speedrunning knowing one another. However, all I've seen from him are green flags, so I am not alarmed.

He is so bright, like a field of sunflowers. His laugh is infectious. He has friends and family, whom he is close with. A good sign. That means people who know him, like knowing him. They cherish and value him.

I've observed that he gives me his full attention. He is attracted to me (confirmed: he told me). He is respectful of me and my quirks. He is vibrant, a former theatre kid. Now, a 26-year-old with a career in the industrial plumbing-part sales field. He is responsible and on time. he is polite.

I am attracted to him, which is equal parts exciting and frightening. It's nice to be seen, heard and thought of, and I keep reminding myself of that. Love shouldn't be hard. Sure, there are hard moments within relationships, but the foundation should be fun and secure.

The other week, I met my ex boyfriend, Sean, for boba. We dated from 16-20/18-22, so we were literal babies. Not a clue about the real world. When we broke up, it was devastating because it was all so much. He wanted to get married and I wanted to be free. 6 weeks after our breakup, he met his now-wife. That was 10 years ago and now they have 3 children, which is what he's always wanted. I talked to my therapist about him and I's dark moments and how we are now friends (mostly online). The love that I had for him never left, it simply evolved, and I cherish that.

I dated so many people through out my 20's. Too many to remember, actually. And now, I have insane little stories and snippets of lore that have contributed to my growth as a person. It's helped me develop who I want to be, and who I want to be with.

With Rocco, I was dating a former degenerate. He was smoking weed before school and then as an adult making DMT in his kitchen with his stunted "friends". He never evolved into a fully formed person.

Personally, I feel that he never grew from the 8th-grade boy mentality. He, and I quote, "has never been friends with an ex" (red flag). Now, that I'm reflecting on that statement, that astounds me. Out of ALL the exes that he has: he doesn't still care about one?? I know he cared about Theresa. Some girl from Panama who thought they were getting married. She thought that because HE gave her the wrong idea by introducing her to his family. Culturally, in all aspects, he was so unaware.

Now, that I'm on the other side of our breakup, I am glad that he isn't talking to me. But, I still find it cowardly to simply banish someone to the realm of the unknown. We shared so many good moments, but also SOOOOO many bad ones. I can't help but find myself romanticizing some of them, EVEN THOUGH *I* was the one who was unhappy - and tried to end it 3 times.

Eventually, desperate, knowing what would get him to leave me, I expressed that within polyamory: I wanted to date other men. I knew he would break up with me. Because my attempts to break up with him due to safety concerns (lying, doing drugs, disrespecting my boundaries) weren't valid to him, so he rejected my efforts and would claim he would "change" and "do better" and that I was "the love of his life" and "made his life worth living". False promises and manipulation.

Astrologically, we had many similarities. We were born in the same year a few days apart. And, I know there's a saying that we act as mirrors for everyone we meet. It was paralyzing to be with him, I felt as though I was negating my own potential by being with someone who had no goals or aspirations - the opposite of who I am. The reflection I saw of myself within him was a subservient emptiness. He took so much from me. I was in a cycle of people pleasing him, and then isolating myself from my friends.

On my date with Tim yesterday, I got a notification yesterday from Co-Star, an app that I now treat like poetry instead of fact, saying "Love is not always written in the stars". It came moments after he took a wrong turn in downtown Dedham. He jokingly stated that it was a ruse so he could spend more time with me. I smiled and laughed because I knew he meant it. We both didn't want to separate after the date, but I had to go walk a dog (Pippa the Bulldog). I used to think of astrology as fact, it was prophetic. Sometimes if DOES feel that way, but most of the time I think of it now like a fable or mythology.

Tim's Astrology is very pleasing to me. Enchanting, really. He is quick and witty, but also so heartfeltly genuine. He radiates kindness and it is very hot to see. He has a water-dominant chart (thank gosh), with accompanying air placements, and the best earth placements. The placements I'm very interested in are His Cancer Sun, Gemini Moon, Pisces Rising, and Taurus Venus. Wee woo!!!!

I've told my friends about him, they have told me to have fun. And they're right. I should be having fun. Love is supposed to be fun. I am confident in this and my feelings. Thinking about it makes my face go like :3 :) :D. That's HUGE.

I have been grounding myself daily, because I know how easy it is to fall into a crush. I am on course for so many things and I will not minimize or dilute myself in anyway - not that I think I would. Tim seems so delighted by me especially whilst expressing success. Even though this is new, I do not feel like I need to wear mask to appease him, or anyone. I am simply doing me, and will continue to do so - however I will bask in the joy and delight that love can bring. I am excited to explore this :,) <3

Edit: 2:54 pm - Noelle and I broke up in February, it was hard, but alas, our love has always been. We are still great friends. I also re-read my last entry and I do not actually think I hate Rocco, I think more than anything the love I had for him turned to sour sorrow. I feel bad for him, in a pitiful way, but not enough to let that consume me. His energy is not allowed to take space in my heart.

[noseydewdrop]

Life update: I got married in Japan, yes that's right.

Like some famous saying. "When you stop looking for something, it finds you", is basically what sums up the past 4 years for me.

I moved from The U.S, WA to Shizuoka Japan right when the pandemic started. Life was a roller coaster for me with ups and downs up until that point. I guess you could say it's the rather predictable trajectory as you go through life and begin to become an adult, but it steadily went in the upward direction for me.

My wife found me on Tandem, a language exchange app where we can learn and speak different languages. In my profile I wrote my dearest passions; classical music, nature, traveling and gaming. It was a perfect chance because my wife share those passions with me now and every day is an adventure.

Me in a wedding “Hakama”

My life has changed so much. I went from 177lbs in the US to 138lbs just by diet alone. The saying how healthy Japanese food is compared to American food is actually not as true as you think. There is unhealthy food, but the key really is utilizing the readily available healthy food. It's astounding how easy it is to get a healthy meal for a cheap, fast and low price while being unsuspectingly tasty and satisfying. America makes it too easy to eat food that will just make you fat. I'm sure there's some level of extra additives and preservatives too but it's hard to say much about that. Just living here got me healthier. But I sure do miss Jersey Mike's subs and authentic Mexican food..

Relationships drain me as an introvert.

I met so many people with vastly different backgrounds from me and with that brought so many memories, like scattered puzzle pieces that can only be found when you realize the ups and downs of life are just how it goes.

I made friends cry. I helped crying students. I helped them win competitions, get into an esteemed university and at the same time, made them look at the world from a different lens. Just reaching out. It's really all it takes.

I worked at a high school university from 2021 to 2024 and it was a job that was so comfortable, I could honestly say I could have kept for the rest of my life. My wife lived far away and I wanted to live together. Alongside my foreign coworkers working there for 10-20 years saying that they aren't passionate about teaching and realize their life has more meaning than that. Made me think that it was a good stepping stone into what I am wanting to achieve in my life. I was satisfied, it was bittersweet. But my wife was the driving factor to get me out of there. They treated me amazingly, too amazing for the work that I did. It was my time to move on. I'll post a picture of my wife too, but don't tell her!

Staying in one place forever, what does it really mean?

I moved to Yamanashi this year. Shizuoka was my home and my roots were just starting to grow in the directions as you would expect; career, health and fitness, business and local event connections, love for the nature of Mt. Fuji and the diversity between the sea and mountains. All I can really say is that it's weird starting all over again.

There are mountains for all of us to climb, but the biggest challenge is realizing them. Once you know what to do, where to invest your energy, time, resources, attention. Only then you can really build something that you are proud of and something you are passionate bloody passionate about that you would be proud to call it your life's work. But it's most often than not hiding in plain sight.. at least for me.

Anyways, I'll share some photos of my life so it's not just randoms from when I was a young adult.

I haven't decided yet, but I want to start writing freely and I think this would be a good outlet for that. Thank you for reading if you made it this far.