#every day I come to a new soulcrushing realization

[cierv-o-robot-o]

this 'I'm probably nonbinary but I have a job so I can't worry about that right now' mentally I've adopted is quickly falling apart

I am worrying about it

[wetfoodgirlie]

I think people should talk more about the pyschological wear ADHD can have. The productivity issues and stuff are awful but they were always managable for me as a kid, because the worst that happened from missing some homework was a couple points off and I didn't have responsibilities or committments. But now, as an adult, it is completely soulcrushing having every new thing I try just completely crash and burn after a few weeks. I can be super into it and it'll be the only thing I want to do, and then I just can't even force myself to touch it. And missing appointments, forgetting responsibilities, having anxiety attacks over every single time it happens. It's gotten so bad lately that it's hard not to second guess myself, like maybe I am just making excuses or being lazy. This week I got reminded 3 times, call my psychiatrist (ironically, for ADHD medication) and make sure it was thru virtual as it has been. Forgot every single time, and then when I missed the appointment date I stressed about it the rest of the night and into the next day. Because once you get older it's not "oh you're so forgetful, that's cute or at worst a little character flaw", it's "oh, I just blew 75 dollars on late fees after being reminded 3 times to make a single phone call, and now my prescriptions aren't refilled for another week" or "oh, I just missed an entire semester of college because I forgot to check the signup dates." That just, wears on your brain. I know rationally it's not my fault but that doesn't make me feel any less useless. It's... really isolating, especially because all of my family members just refuse to even try to understand? I just come off as lazy or irresponsible, or worse just completely incapable of taking care of myself. Long post. Mostly venting, maybe someone else will resonate with it and have some solidarity. Cause I know it took a lot of random tumblr posts and internet articles to realize "hey I'm not actually a useless sack of crap I just have legitimate mental illness and it's not just an excuse"

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

MUSIC QUESTIONS

Found here: http://beyondthetemples-ooc.tumblr.com/post/183365664552/music-asks-these-are-actually-pretty-fucking-hard

Song names are linked to videos that play them. (The meme said “these are hard”, but I decided to make it even HARDER for some reason, and decided I wouldn’t use two selections from the same band! Which made this take me literally two hours, but it was Fun. I like a good musical challenge~ So anyways.)

1:A song you like with a color in the title Blue Eyes - Within Temptation

2:A song you like with a number in the title Fixed At Zero - VersaEmerge

3:A song that reminds you of summertime Elvenpath - Nightwish this might be for Spiritual Reasons, heh. “In the sheltering shade of the forest, calling, calming silence. Accompanied only by the full moon, and the howling of the night wolf, and the path under my bare feet... The elven path.” 

5:A song that needs to be played LOUD Reality Fringe - Alex Dalliance / Vulture Culture “By right, I’m STILL ALIVE! Bad blood, I WILL SURVIVE! By truth, my eyes can SEE! The broken EDGE of REALITY!”

6:A song that makes you want to dance damnit, i already used Alex Dalliance, Nightwish, AND Xandria! How about..... ~*Diamond Shuffle - Next Level*~ (we dance HARD to this at the org functions sometimes, and i absolutely LOVE IT.) Based on the Cupid Shuffle! "To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right! To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left. Now kick, now kick, now kick, now kick. Now put your diamonds up, now put your diamonds up. Do the diamond shuffle.... We’re going Diamond, D-I-A-M-O-N-D! We’re the BEST, you can bet! Not another, can’t be beat! Do your diamond dance, diamond dance"~

7:A song to drive to ( (( ??? I don't drive, so I wouldn't know. Whatever I'm in the mood for, though. )) )

8:A song about drugs or alcohol Someday - Crossfade "Can't put this bottle down as Iiiii, watch this day fade into night...."

9:A song that makes you happy Samhain - Magica [Lyrics: x] that took Depressingly long to figure out. geez But: any time I listen to that piano? My spirit absolutely SOARS.

10:A song that makes you sad oh, that's too many. hold on; I need a minute... particularly because i don't want to Repeat Bands on this, for some reason. How about one that almost always Draws Tears? Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots “I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink, but now I’m insecure and I care what people think...Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days. When our mama sang us to sleep, but now we’re stressed out...Used to dream of outer space, but now they’re laughing at our face, saying ‘Wake up, you need to make money!’ ”

11:A song that you never get tired of Believer - Imagine Dragons “I’m fired up, and tired of the way that things have been, oh!...Don’t you tell me what to think that I can be. I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea...Seeing the beauty, though the... PAIN! You make me a, you make me a believer...All the hate that you’ve heard has turned your spirit to a dove, oh, your spirit up above...”

12:A song from your preteen years Tokyo Nights - Puffy AmiYumi (Always one of my favorites by them.~) “Utaru, Tokyo Nights! Anno kutokete, Tokyo nights! Yoru ni hohoemu. I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love...~”

13:One of your favorite 80’s songs Have I talked about ~Under Pressure~ enough yet? “It’s the terror of knowing what this world is about. Watching some good friends screaming, Let me out!...Keep coming up with love, but it’s so slashed and torn! Why? Can’t we give ourselves one more chance? Why can’t we give love one more chance?...'Cause love's such an old fashioned word, and love dares you to care for, the people on the edge of, the night, and, love dares you to, change our way of caring about ourselves...”

14:A song that you would love played at your wedding {{ N/A - I don't want to be married. ^^'; Handfasted, maybe. But none, really. Also, if I did, I'd want to pick our music Together. }}

15:A song that is a cover by another artist Supremacy - Tarja (Muse cover) “Wake to see, your true emancipation is a fantasy. Policies have risen up and overcome the brave. Greatness dies, unsung and lost, invisible to history...You don't have long; I am on to you. The time, it has come, to destroy: Your suuu-premacyyyyy!”

16:One of your favorite classical songs Greensleeves - (???) (I know it's not "baroque", but it's certainly a bit of a classic.)

17:A song that would sing a duet with on karaoke Broken - Seether ft. Amy Lee “The worst is over now, and we can breathe again. I wanna hold you high, and steal my pain, away. There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight! I wanna hold you high and steal your pain...”

18:A song from the year that you were born Addams Family (WHOOMP!) - Tag Team

19:A song that makes you think about life We Are the Others - Delain "As simple as air in your lungs, as simple as words on your lips: No one could take it away, no one should argue this! Now with our heads up high, we’ll carry on, and carry out: That we won’t let them, GET us down, or WEAR us out! Cuz we are not alone. We are the others, we are the cast-outs! We’re the outsiders, but you can’t hide us...If you feel mistreated, torn and cheated: You are not alone! We are the others. Normal is not the norm. It’s just a uniform. Forget about the norm, take off your uniform. We are all beautiful!”

20:A song that has many meanings to you The Worlds Forgotten, The Words Forbidden - Sonata Arctica Every. Single. Aspect. of the Nexus has feels in this song! “What is a man to do? No light, only suffocating dark. Deep, burning pain. I’m losing everything I am, remember nothing of my past. Now it’s all gone, and I fear the game is over. Save me...This isn’t my home. I follow moon to find a path away from the scorching sun, I follow the stars to my abode...I seize the moment to hear a story no one’s telling anymore. The worlds forgotten, the words forbidden.”

21:A favorite song with a person’s name in the title Song For Jolee - Kamelot (I have no idea what the Other Jolene Song everyone talks about is, but ^this^ is the one I think of whenever someone says "Jolene", and it catches me off guard Every Time I Remember, "that's not the same song, they mean the Fabled Meme one, right. Right..." I heard it's a country song though, and look, that's not my style, so I don't care to be informed. The contrast+realization is kinda amusing, anyways. 8FF)

22:A song that moves you forward Higher - Edenbridge “Time and tide wait for no man ever, and your eyes are agleam, like you’re in a dream, getting out from under. Give a little try, give a little more try! Never fall in line, for a fleeting moment! Be and end all, I am aiming HIGH. Reach a little higher!...Lay it on the line, and run the mile. Reach a little HIGHER!”

23:A song that you think everybody should listen to ????? (I make recommendations based on personal taste; I can't Generalize like that! ;; )

24:A song by a band you wish were still together The Black Parade - My Chemical Romance (Y’all should know how this goes. And if you don’t: can I make THIS my recommendation? Besides being Iconic of my “emo” generation, it’s legitimately a great musical composition with dramatic buildup and a seriously empowering message.)

25:A song by an artist no longer living Hands Held High - Linkin Park

26:A song that makes you want to fall in love (All over again, you mean?) Something Just Like This - The Chainsmokers & Coldplay “I’m not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts; some superhero, some fairy tale bliss. Just something I can turn to, somebody I can kiss. I want something just like this. Oh, I want something just like this!”~

27:A song that breaks your heart Wanderer's Lullaby - Adriana Figueroa “Do you know, just, how much you’re worth?...You are the dawn of a new day that’s waking, a masterpiece still in the making, the blue in an ocean of gray. You are: right where you need to be, poised to inspire and to succeed! You’ll look back, and you’ll realize one day. In your eyes there is doubt, as you try to figure it out... Though the world may try to define you, it can’t take the light that’s inside you! So don’t you dare try to hide, let yours fade away...” (It’s... for someone very particular that this song breaks my heart all over again. Ugh, I could quote this whole song for her. When I’m in a very specific shift? This song absolutely DESTROYS me. And even when I’m not? It’s an absolutely gorgeous and reassuring song, but... you know. Depressed Brain likes to say “that isn’t true at all”, and I’m likely to tear up anyways.)

28:A song by an artist with a voice that you love Tides of Time - Epica (Simone Simons... ~<333 She sounds every bit as amazing LIVE as she does on the albums! But this VERSE... actually strike that, this entire SONG is so gorgeously rendered.)

29:A song that you remember from your childhood Bring Me to Life - Evanescence (The Song that Started It All. Ordinarily I would link to the Bliss Mix, or the SiriusXM performance. Hell, a demo! You know, the version they actually WANTED to make, without the production misogyny. But this WAS, after all, the version from my childhood. =w=;; I’m not even gonna do lyrics, you all know how it goes.)

30:A song that reminds you of yourself (oh my stars, there are SO many... I can say “Every song I’ve linked to so far”, honestly.) I told myself I wouldn't repeat bands, so I had to do some digging for this one, since I already used all of my Favorites.... Wait, DUH. The song that's named after the very same word I named my Entire Identity and Life Experience after: The Nexus - Amaranth “I hide, empower our remedy. Step up, get your game on, get your fight back, never BACK DOWN!...I have the will inside my mind. There is a voice I can’t deny! Break, with the PAST. Set the nexus free at least! As the future will be there to save us. Trapped, in my SKIN, see the nexus in my dreams. But will you bury me within?...And as the darkness reveals, I see no reason for me to reach for the cure. I’m my own demon. I kept the secrets in my mind, there is a voice I can’t DENY!...Face it down, I’m the spine in the flame. Just let it out of me, break it out of the core - to help me, BREATHE...”

Actually, okay, it’s the whole song. It’s kind of perfect.~