#eventually i use this post to throw a sketch dump maybe

[crystallizsch]

I want the infodump on Jamil and Yuusha ma'am I beg

THIS HAS BEEN UNANSWERED FOR A MONTH IM SORRY AUGH

but thank you so much yes im okay im normal about them i’ll do my best (for context i mentioned in the tags of one of my posts a while back wanting to infodump about them, but i forget which one it was jfkdlsjhl anyways-)

this won't be a full info dump because i think that would somewhat restrict my dynamic of them if i put it all into words (if that makes sense) ;;;

and i realized i lowkey dont have a coherent timeline for them (yet); i just put them in random scenarios of what i think would be fun at the moment

to make up for it i'll also put a silly self-indulgent sketch dump all below ;;;

I JUST REALIZED I DRAW THEM MAKING EYE CONTACT A LOT (bc something something there's a level of trust that jamil wont use his snake whisper on yuu anymore)

okay now for some random jamiyuu dynamics/hcs/lore

yuu fell first -> yuu lost feelings (bc why would you trust someone who took advantage you) -> ✨ then something happened ✨ -> jamil fell next but harder.

highkey disliked each other -and showed it- in the beginning bc of the whole scarabia drama; then an -accidental- act of service got them to think differently about one another. like "holy shit maybe they're not so bad after all???"

extremely slow burn.

very competitive with one another which then bled into their "flirting" / affectionate acts when they eventually became closer.

basically: “sweetheart” but rivalry -> “babe” but platonically -> “bro” but romantically pipeline.

(“are you flirting or starting a fight”)

yuu kinda throws around “love you” a lot, especially to her close friends; so -during their “platonic” stage- for some reason, jamil was the only “friend” she has not said this to. but it’s okay it’s not like jamil had referred to her as the “f-word” (friend) anyway.

had a mutual agreement that their romantic relationship is temporary because of yuu wanting to go home; they’re just going to “try it out” “no hard feelings”.

yuu made jamil promise to never use snake whisper on her ever again.

jamil: personal beef w/ bugs + afraid of them; yuu: personal beef w/ bugs (w/ a few exceptions) + not afraid of them, just generally pissed at their existence.

dancing and music lowkey became one of their love languages.

kalim genuinely became one yuu’s best friends because of how much they hit it off. jamil always third wheels them no matter the circumstance.

yuu loves grim more than jamil; jamil knows this very well. and so does grim.

[corysmiles]

Are there any other worldbuilding posts of Wilbur's journal writing? I genuinely can't remember rn ahg.

What would his journal be filled with? Would the first few pages be just. blank- like how those secret diaries are like?

Would he have an introduction page about who he was, who his family was? Just general background stuff first before telling whoever is reading it that the journal is going to be used to document all the forest weirdness?

And would it start documenting all the stuff about creatures, plants, giants, and Ranboo? OGHghh, would he have little feathers and plants taped to the pages?

I like to imagine his journal is one of those worn-out looking ones with the thetheuhhhh really smooth brown cover w/ the straps that wrap around it a million times bghfs. The type of cover that is really smooth and cool to the touch. Leathery-like, I guess? Dunno, I was never one to remember that stuff.

Maybe the pages look as if they've dried from being wet so they have that inconstant waviness at the ends of the pages. And they have that weird beige colour too.

Maybe he has that really messy yet pretty writing style (I have no idea what cc!Wilbur's handwriting looks like oop-) anD there those really cute doodles on the sides of the pages. They're really bad at first but then you can see them get better and more detailed over time ahghKGhhsf. It starts off as small stick doodles before turning into that cartoony look and finally just gets pretty realistic.

I just. have a lotta feelings and I may have dumped them all without thinking in a cohesive thought process bghghfkfsfbbHGKSdhf-

YES YES YES WEND MY BELOVED AHHHH (and don’t worry I love this so much💙)

So far there are only two entries a submission and then one I wrote to go with it :]

Wilbur’s Journal Submission

My Wilbur’s Journal Entry

The first few pages are doodles or lyrics just so that it doesn’t seem suspicious. He didn’t really think anyone would go through it anyway since he’d been into journaling since his mother gave him one for his birthday. Just in case though, the first ten pages are filled with non-forest related things like music, doodles, Niki’s recipes, his schedule etc.

You’re very right his journal is very worn out! It’s come with him on every trip to the forest so it’s been dropped in mud, thrown in the river, drawn on by Michael, covered in rain, and is absolutely covered in fur from Henry. It started off as a nice dark brown leather journal but now it’s much lighter from the constant use. You can also tell how he holds it because there are small wrinkles in the leather where his fingers go. And he absolutely has the fancy straps, he loves having nice looking journals and he refuses to have anything ‘basic’.

I really love the idea of the doodles on the pages :”] They start really bad but eventually he has fully detailed drawings of Ranboo, Michael, and Henry in his book. Like they’re so good that they might as well be scientific drawings of his friends. He also throws in random sketches of his friends or family whenever he can’t sleep.

Occasionally he lets Michael doodle on some of the pages so there are small little drawings of them together from the piglin. His writing isn’t super fancy, but it is like the really messy cursive writing that just looks really cool.

I LOVE THE SCENT STUFF!! I also would like to add that it smells very salty from the fish that Ranboo eats :]

[gentlemanmendes]

Beauty behind the Madness | 21|

Previous chapters can be found in my masterlist under beauty behind the madness sorry tumblrs being a bitch so I have to give you guys the link making the post look ugly but here ya go https://gentlemanmendes.tumblr.com/post/154438057583/masterlist

21:

Arleigh had that look on her face for the past three hours, the look when she wanted to say something and with all her might was holding it back. Her face always contoured with her brows knitting together, her nose scrunching up, and her lips pressed into a thin line as she bit down on her cheeks as if that would stop her from talking. It's small things like this, when I know what each of her gestures and expression mean, that hurts the most. All this pointless stuff I spent six years learning about Arleigh was suddenly pointless. It's like I wasted six years on studying her for absolutely nothing.

I throw my car keys and room key on the table as I attempt to busy myself by emptying my pockets even though I know they are already empty. Arleigh seems to have the same idea, after she puts down her art journal and pencils that I had gifted her with earlier before shuffling through her bag helplessly. Neither of us had said much all afternoon but I figured it was because Arleigh was feeling as tired as I was. I had never liked driving long distances, I always felt like they dragged on pointlessly, and have driven way too much in the past twenty four hours for my liking but to see the reaction on Arleigh's face today, I would do it all over without hesitation for her.

After she had finished drawing Arleigh had met me out on the steps in front of the museum, the art journal and pencils packed away rightly under her arm. I wanted to ask her to look at the picture but it seemed too personal, like I would be stepping over a line, and decided against it. We agreed to get some lunch, stopping at a cafe we bought coffee and sandwiches before making our way down to a lake where again Arleigh pulled out her journal and began sketching the landscape in front of us. It had been a good afternoon, and although deadly silent between us, I found myself feeling whole and content all while doing nothing.

"I'm going to shower." Arleigh mumbles hesitantly after she has gathered the things she needed to take with her into the bathroom. Frowning to herself she pauses for a moment biting down on her lip as if contemplating whether to say something else or not. I want to tell her that it's okay and that she can say whatever she wants but I can't bring myself to speak. She seems to think better of it as she shakes her head to herself, as if dismissing the thought, before continuing into the bathroom. From the mirror in front of me I watch as Arleigh puts her belongings down on the floor before looking into the mirror above the sink. Her frown had grown deeper if that was even possible, and she seemed to have grown frustrated with her reflection. Her attention diverted to the empty sink that she was leaning against, her body hunched over as if in pain.

"Are you okay?" I ask hoping I don't sound too intrusive. I've learned many things about Arleigh but the most important was to give her space when she wasn't in the best of moods, if I had learned this a few years earlier we would have had a lot less problems between us.

"Yeah I'm fine." She mumbled shrugging me off just as I knew she would. As if on instinct I roll my eyes only to remember that she has every right to shrug me off, we aren't together any more and she has no reason to trust me. Moving towards my backpack to get changed into something more comfortable to sleep in I'm surprised when I hear Arleigh's voice behind me, loud and clear. "No actually, I'm not fine and it's all your fault!" Her tone was harsh and filled with accusation. Shock had overcome me, was I hearing things? Arleigh had never been one to be so abrupt and straight to the point.

When I turned around sure enough Arleigh is standing there glaring up at me and she doesn't look pleased, if anything she looks as though she had been slowly bottling up all this tension and now she was about to explode. As much as I wanted to defend myself, tell her she was wrong, or even explain what had really happened that night I can't bring myself to utter a word. I can't say anything because I know that nothing would justify my actions that night. For a while I thought this wouldn't happen, that she wouldn't bring up that night, but I knew I was only lying to myself. How could she not bring it up? She was in rehab for over three months because of me.

***

Pacing through my bedroom I can't help wonder if this was possibly the stupidest thing I had ever done, yesterday morning throwing a party seemed like a great idea but after the fight with Arleigh the last thing I'm in the mood for is to party. The loud music is causing the house to shake, my floorboards vibrating from the beat beneath me, making me positive that the neighbours are going to call and complain. Again I look out the window and although Arleigh's bedroom light is obviously on I can't see her because she has closed her blinds. Was she really going to be this petty over a stupid argument we had last night? Judging by the lights on downstairs I'm assuming Mr Axle is home, hopefully the loud music and annoying teens are irritating him.

My door swings open causing my head to snap in that direction ready to tell the next two people who thought they could have sex in my room to fuck off but to my surprise it's just Mitch who seems to be incredibly pissed off by something, a bottle of cheap beer in his hand as he steps into my room slamming the door behind him.

"Dude are you seriously still sulking over Arleigh?" He takes my silence as answer enough before shouting loudly for me to get over it. It was easy for him to say, he didn't know what it was like to care about anyone or anything other than himself. Sure he has his reasons for being a selfish asshole but he doesn't have to force his actions on the rest of us. So what if I'm whipped for Arleigh, she has been my best friend since I was twelve, we see each other every day and do everything together, it would be weird for me to not have her around and if we break up things would never be the same, I didn't want to loose that.

"Arleigh's not even here," Mitch began as he started dragging me towards my bedroom door and back out into the party. "Just have some fun tonight and talk to her in the morning when she's finally over her little tantrum."

Unwillingly I allow Mitch to pull me out of my room and down the stars into the chaos that has taken over my home.  In a way he is right, I'm throwing this great party and am choosing to sit up in my room sulking about something Arleigh will most likely get over by tomorrow. We make our way to the lounge room where Mitch instructs Andy to go get me a drink which he grudgingly obliges to, I figure the only reason he got up was because the drink was for me and if it had been for Mitch he would have not moved from his spot.

For the corner of my eye I see Mitch nods his head at someone to come over towards us before he makes room on the couch between us. Sure enough Layla takes the empty spot and says hi to me. Yesterday I had only flirted with her a little in class because I was mad at Arleigh and in a way I was hoping the news would find its way back to Arleigh, not by Mitch blurting it out the way he did but maybe by one of Layla's bitchy friends telling people about it until Arleigh eventually found out. Now looking back at it that has to be one of the dumbest ideas I have ever come up with. The fact that Mitch had been all for it should have been a sign that it was a bad idea.

Layla had been talking for a good ten minutes but I had just been giving her nods and one worded mumble response as I tried to drown her out by focusing on my drink. She was practically on top of me shouting into my ear just so she could be heard over the loud music. Right now I'm starting to understand why Arleigh hates parties so much and always disappeared off to somewhere quieter and lonelier. Mitch always suggested it was because she was boring but I know understood it was because parties are way to hectic when you are not in the right mood, which Arleigh never seemed to be in.

How the hell was I supposed to tell this girl that I wasn't into her at all? She's hot and unlike most girls in our class she isn't a bitch, but she just simply isn't my type. Maybe for a good fuck I would call her up but I have a girlfriend, even if that girlfriend had dumped me earlier today. Again I have to remind myself of what Mitch had said 'talk to her in the morning when she's finally over her little tantrum.'  Arleigh just needed her space right now, first thing in the morning I will go over and sort things out with her and make sure Mitch isn't there to screw it up.

For a long time I felt like I could get through the rest of tonight by drinking and only half heartedly listening to Layla until she said 'I heard you and Areligh broke up.' I try not to choke on the liquid in my mouth at her abrupt statement.

"We just had a disagreement, it's nothing big." I shrug her off and take a swing from the beer Mitch had given me a few minutes earlier making it my third drink in less that an hour. If Arleigh was here she would tell me to slow down and be careful.

Looking around I notice pairs of eyes on me and Layla whispering with their friends. Did everyone know about the fight Arleigh and I had. We were the only couple that had lasted as long as we have, naturally as soon a something happens between us people start jumping to conclusions. Is that seriously all people care about?

Mitch had disappeared into the kitchen to get us both another dink but now I'm doubting if that is a good idea. My head is beginning to feel light and I know I should slow down on my drinking but I don't. I know that if Arleigh was here she would be scowling at me for consuming so much alcohol in such a short period of time which for some reason only makes me want to drink more.

"Look who I found wondering around." Mitch yelled loudly at me as he approached with two cups in his hand. For a moment I'm confused until I see Arleigh trailing behind him like a lost puppy, looking completely uncomfortable and out of place with her surroundings. Without giving it a second thought I jump off of the couch in surprise causing Layla to fall back onto the person who had taken Mitch's place but when a forbidding look flashes across Arleigh's features I realise that my sudden movement made me look guilty.

Arleigh lets out a huff before diverting her attention anywhere but at me. I notice the plastic cup in her hand and have no doubt that Mitch had somehow convinced her to drink. My gaze shifts to Mitch who seems to be enjoying the tension between me and Arleigh. He stays stationed by her side making me wonder why; is he up to something? Knowing Mitch the answer is yes.

He holds his hand out and gestured for me to take my drink, stumbling forward slightly I manage to get my drink off of Mitch. Whether I was supposed to catch the eye roll Arleigh had given me due to the fact that it was obvious I've had too much to drink I'm not sure but she seems less that impressed.

Now that Mitch's hand is free he takes the opportunity to slither his arm around the small of Arleigh's back pulling her in closer to to his side. Although I can't hear what he said I watch his lips move as he practically emphasises each word "Wanna go somewhere a little more quite?" With one last glare in my direction Arleigh gives one firm nod of her head before leading the way to the front yard. Without even giving it a second thought I follow hot on their trail, over my dead body am I going to leave Arleigh alone with Mitch for a split second.

There are a few people out front but not many, someone running around the front lawn in his underwear with his shirt tied around his neck loosely like a cape his friends cheering him on. Arleigh is leaning against the railing Mitch right beside her too close for my liking. It's not that I'm jealous, if it were anyone else I probably would be jealous, it's just that Mitch is trouble not to mention his favourite thing to do is taunt Arleigh. For some reason though I can't help but feel that right now he is trying to get a rise out of me and not Arleigh. If Arleigh is uncomfortable she is is trying hard not to show it, but she forgets that I know her better than she knows herself. Just by her simple body language; how stiff she is as if focusing on keeping her body still will distract her from Mitch's hand slipping into the back pocket of her jeans, how she is holding her head high trying to seem strong and proud when I know she wants nothing more than to cower away in fear and discomfort. But I can't do anything unless she says something. Right now this is her choice and I have to sit here and watch it all play out.

"Now that you and Shawn are over how about you and I get a little friendly." Mitch taunts loudly enough for me to hear, dipping his face into the crock of her neck. At this I feel my heart rate rise and think of a million and one ways I could get Mitch away from Arleigh, my favourite option being to break his arm. "We could go up into his bedroom and get busy, what do you say?"

"Fuck off!" I yell out at him causing his attention to snap toward me in surprise, pure amusement clear on his face.

"That's not fare, I slept with Layla and am sharing her with you why can't I have Arleigh now." At this I know Arleigh is only going along with this on purpose to get a rise out of me, before I had assumed just as much but this made it obvious. There is no world where Arleigh would have ever allowed any one to discredit her like Mitch just had, epically Mitch.

I can't help but stare at Arleigh in disbelief. Is this really the same girl that I have known all this time? Is this really what it has come to? She is willing to let Mitch be all over her in some sort of payback.

"Arleigh?" I question waiting for her to snap back into her senses and shove Mitch off but she doesn't do anything instead she just stares at me blankly. At this I feel anger towards her. Just how far was she willing to go to make her point? Would she take Mitch up on his offer and go up to my room with him? "So you won't have sex with me after six years being by your side but you will have sex with Mitch, the asshole who you find disgusting. You know what fuck you!"

Betrayal grows deep inside me, fuelling the flames of my burning anger. Not with Mitch, I would have expected nothing less from him, but from Arleigh. I couldn't even form into words how much this hurt. After all I have put up with for her and she was just going to run into Mitch's arms so easily, or should I say other body parts.

"No Shawn, fuck you!" She yelled back stepping out of Mitch's grip and right in front of me. "I came here to apologise for over reacting today only to be proved right.  You need to get over yourself." She threw the liquid in her cup at me taking me by surprise, the alcohol now sinking into my shirt quicker than her words did. "and think again if you think I would sink as low as sleeping with Mitch."

"Fuck off bitch!" Mitch cursed her out only to have her flip him off as she turned away to make her way down the stairs. Mitch grabbed onto Arleigh forearm to stop her only to have her slap him in response.

"You're a pig, a drunk, and will forever be alone. You pretend to be this person who doesn't give a shit about anything but deep down you are so insecure that you figure if you make others fear you they won't point out your insecurities and for a long time I did just that because I didn't want to announce to you just how pathetic everyone thinks you are." For the first time in all the years I have known Mitch he stayed quite taking me by surprise. His eye stayed glued to Arleigh. Arleigh's gaze skipped past me to the door behind me causing me to turn around only to find Andy and Jonnie standing in the door way. I'm not sure how long they've been standing there but my guess is barley a minute. They must have only heard Arleigh go off on Mitch which would explain the shock on their faces.

Seeming satisfied with herself, Arleigh turned and left this time everyone too shocked to stop her.

***

I want to respond but I can't, I have no right to. I'm guilty. I knew someone would eventually call me out on it but I had been living in denial, that maybe I could live the rest of my days without ever having to hear someone bring it up. The last person I had expected to bring it up was Arleigh, she had been playing the part of not wanting to talk about it too well. I figured that like me, the memory of that night constantly replayed in her mind but she wasn't ready to confront the matter yet. I didn't know if I would ever be ready to confront the matter but right now it seemed I didn't have a choice.

Arleigh's attention turned to the ground and she whispered "You just ran." It seemed as if she were in disbelief as she said it aloud, as if she wasn't sure if what had happened that night was all real or just her imagination."You didn't visit me at the hospital, in rehab, or even when I came home. You just ignored me as if six years meant nothing to you." I couldn't help but suddenly feel as if every muscle in my body had been frozen as if forbidden by fear to move.

When I didn't respond Arleigh's gaze lifted from the old carpet of the motel room to meet my gaze, her eyes are filled with tears that threatened to fall at any given moment.

"Why?" The desperation clear in her tone. "I know we had a fight and broke up but I thought you would at least visit." Now the tears were falling as her tone began to grow harsh with frustration.  "Why?" She yelled.

Confusion settled once the shock had warn off. Arleigh wasn't bringing up that night. She wasn't mad about that, she was mad that I hadn't visited her. That didn't make sense. She had gotten a restraining order against me. If she wanted me to come see her maybe she should have made that a little clearer.

"Why? Just please tell me why." She was practically begging as she sobbed standing in front of me. She was desperate. I didn't understand why of all things that had happened this was the reason she was so worked up but for the question she was asking I had an answer, one that I couldn't be held accountable for.

"You got a restraining order against me Arleigh, if I got anywhere within a hundred meters of you I would get in serious trouble, what did you expect?" I shot back in defence.

"I didn't do that!" She yelled tangling her fingers in the roots of her hair as she tugged gently on them, her habit of frustration. "Why do you think suddenly all the charges were dropped? It was my dad, as soon as I fond out what was happening I told the nurses in the centre everything."

I suppose that does make sense as to why everything was dropped so suddenly, my guess had originally been that Mr Axle didn't have the money for it all. I'm sure that old hag would have loved to have seen me behind bars even before everything that happened and that night would have been the perfect opportunity.

Arleigh closed her eyes and inhaled deeply as if trying to calm herself down.

"You still ran." It was as if she wanted me to admit to being guilty for more than just what had happened. Hadn't I suffered through enough these past few months. She was right I did run I should have stayed with her and made sure she was okay but that was a little difficult with her insane father yelling at us.

"What was I supposed to do?" I raise my voice a little.  Nothing has changed with Arleigh, she is the same stubborn person who refuses to listen to anyone else's argument if it doesn't agree with her's.

"No shawn you don't get to play the victim. On that night I lost everything but what was worse was the fact that I had lost you. The only person who had ever stood by my side, been my best friend and then learned to love me; the only person that I felt safe enough around to let my guards down, the first person in a long time to show me they cared. I told you when my mum died that I lost both my parents but not long after I met you, and for a long time that was enough to fill the void I hadn't even realised had formed inside me. But then you left, you just decided you didn't want me in your life, and I know that's my fault because I pushed you away and I told you that I didn't want to be around you because I was scared that you would choose first and I thought it would make it easier if I decided but it didn't. And then when I was in hospital I thought you were going to come and visit me , even after what I had said earlier that day, if you loved me you still would have come but you didn't and I realised that even if I pushed you away you still chose not to come, you chose you didn't want me anymore and I want to know why."

Her words sting like salt in a deeply cut wound that took a hold over my whole body. I never thought of it like that but now it seemed to make sense. While I had my family Alriegh had been alone, I knew that much already but I forgot that just like she had been around me I had always been around her. The thought never crossed my mind that Arleigh may be missing me as much as I was missing her. I remember seeing her sad and lost the first few times I had spotted her when they had moved in but then never around me. Alreigh just said that I had filled a void for her. For a long time I had distracted her of the fact that she was alone without even being aware of it. Having me being ripped out of her life must have been ten times more torturous than how she had been taken away from me. I still saw both my parents daily, my sister, and my friends. No one had stopped loving me after what I had done but Arleigh had lost the last person who loved her, or so she thought she did. I want to tell her that I haven't stopped thinking about her, that not a day goes by when I don't regret that night, that after all that has happened I only learned that I couldn't stop loving her no matter how many times my friends told me to get over it because it was a stupid high school relationship that was never meant to last. But I can't find the words, I would never know how to say the things I want to  say to her the most.

[katzirra]

Body, listen...

Your TMI fun facts of the day;

So the annoying thing about my brain and body on the sexual reactive front is sometimes body decides it’s gonna do what it wants, even though I am not comprehending, ingesting, nor processing, anything to make it react there.

“Whoops!! You feel that suddenly? No idea where it came from, but have fun with that!!” It’s in that same vein with minding my own business, not remotely thinking about anything, and suddenly my brain will be like “Hey man, you know what would be nice? Going down on a girl.” And I literally scream into the distance. That’s nice for two major reasons anyway; a healthy feeling of control, and man wow, girls are pretty and make pretty faces and sounds~

My personal favorite annoyance is how much I hate the I can’t actually get off, or attempt to, unless I’m in a relationship. I also have to pretty much feel allowed to get off to the idea of my partner too~ What a weird hang up!!

On top of that, if I have any concerns or worries in said relationship? I can’t in good conscious get myself off either. This is especially fun when I feel I’m more into my partner than they are me, which is easily 9/10 tbh?? It becomes like... I don’t know, man. It’s annoying. My ratio of want to get off versus get off is very small. It’s awful.

This essentially means [outside of a relationship] I have little to NO sex drive, and any time I have a spike on my radar of “Hey, I know it’s been a while but, uh, here’s that feeling... I think it’s called... being horny? Don’t quote me on that. But it’s your problem now.” I can’t even do anything about it, because I know I’ll get bored laying there trying to get anywhere, and get frustrated because I don’t meet an end.

It becomes “Go the fuck to bed and avoid it” - like brain can’t adhere to the ‘normal’ shit people do like read or watch stuff, lmao!! But in a relationship it becomes a weird spike event randomy at certain phrases or implied actions that my brain creates a response to, and it’s like “CHILL.” and usually I can’t do anything about it unless purposely provoked or tugged at anyway. Whoop.

Like I’ve actually tried looking into this, if there’s something this is at least CALLED? Or a reason FOR it? All I find is mm, hey I don’t get off with my partner - and it’s like nah dude, the issue is I can only get off when I have one. I’m just. It’s so irritating. The only thing I can think is if this falls on the demisexual scale somehow, because the emotional and such bond to someone - but I don’t know?? But It’s something I periodically look up because?? Why?? Like this?? I just wanna fucking get off some days without worrying about it, geez.

More often than not, I just want to know if this is just part of my attraction focus wheel, or if it’s something I might have mentally blocked out? But it’s not the latter I’m pretty sure, since I have no reason to block sexual ANYTHING out, but I’m just?? Why am I like this? I use to think I was probably asexual, like I had the urges now and then, but it wasn’t like on my list and a bunch of other things - but that’s not the case considering. Like if I have a legitimate emotional and physical attraction I am about it, it’s just that that’s prior to current, never been the situation.

Sexuality and self identification is a wild ride, kids.

Mm. In all honesty, since I’m on the subject anyway, the one person I ever had sex with I just wasn’t even really... there? It’s so strange to me to look back at things and tilt my head realizing how much I was not into K at all...? I was attracted to them aesthetically and some aspects of their personality, but even that I’m just... no, not really. I was used, and I wasn’t respected at all honestly. Nothing actually burns my inner fire more like knowing someone respects me or is proud of me? So a lack of it is just such a bucket of water on EVERYTHING.

Like, it’s so funny when I think of things that make me into someone, or things that are considered ‘turn ons’. There’s basic shit like neck bites and little bites period I love, and light scratching or like just being a little rough handsy period I guess? But then it’s like I THINK ABOUT THAT FUCKING KINK JOKE POST ABOUT “MY KINK IS FEELING APPRECIATED AND LOVED” and someone yelling I’M K*INKSHAMING. Because holy shit though like maybe it’s the leo ego thing with making me feel important?? But literally if I’m into you sexually, it is probably because there’s a mutual respect and I feel safe as well as I find you attractive?? And that’s the hilarious thing is that’s a reason I’m INTO someone?? Make me feel respected and wanted and important to you, and give any kind of little praise and I am le swoon and smitten~ Throw in some physical shit and I am but a WEAK woman completely at your mercy~

But like, that’s the thing. I had rough kisses and laughing during sex, which is what I love... you have to be able to have fun with your partner, I love having fun with a partner. I love a little roughhousing here and there at times - but it’s like... that wasn’t enough. The sex was... bad? Like I enjoy getting a girl off, it feels nice, it sooounds nice, and it looks nice~ I’m good at it, but like... getting me off is a chore if I’m not into it or you, and I know this from first hand experience? - I’m mad at this pun...

But at the time I had explained to them that it was difficult for me, and they insisted they could get me off, and it kinda just turned into me staring at the ceiling, and laughing because the insides of my thighs are way too sensitive and ticklish?? Also they just couldn’t stay on task and I have but the neediest little clit I guess.

But I would up getting bored, lying and just kinda being done lmao. I think I had a better time having phone sex, whoops~ That’s the other thing, is I have a heavy response to sounds and just... man. Played it up and I was just softly and harshly whispers, naaah..

I think the only nice experience sexually with them, was we woke up one morning and I can still feel the temperature of the room and see the colors through the windows and in the room... and just lazily kissing and getting eachother off. Too tired to think or respond really. That was the simplest and nicest thing I can think about the physical side of that weekend.

Like the more I ever reflect on that weekend, which is sadly kind of often because even any time I brush my teeth in my bathroom and catch my reflection? I can literally only think of them coming behind me, hugging me and saying my body was just their liking and... it sucks. Because like, that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said about this body that I hate? I hate my body. I hate it from my boobs to my baby fat pooch I can’t get rid of, to my thighs I can’t do anything about no matter how much work I do. It’s not that I’m fat that I hate it. Fat is beautiful on people, I just don’t like looking this way for myself. This is not how I want to look. I can work with it and make it pretty, and I look BEAUTIFUL sometimes, but it’s not the body I want to be in.

But that comment haunts me, because I was 20lbs lighter than I am now, and I... that was the nicest thing I’d ever heard. So that memory flashes randomly sometimes and I just sort of freeze before shaking my head, because with it comes the whole weekend. That weekend was a nightmare. It was a mistake. I can’t believe I wasted my time and money. I can’t go back in time and change it but it’s just... fuck, dude.

It wasn’t even a good booty call, how terrible is that?

But it’s like...landing there and being WHISKED OFF~ I went to my first con, I went to an Akira exhibit even and wanted to cry... like I was so happy with the chance to see that stuff in PERSON. The Kaneda jacket, the stills, the large sketches, the POSTERS - it was the coolest thing. And there I was with K, who was cheating on their boyfriend at the time. And I was trying to act okay with this, because they were going to dump him. How much of a naive asshole did I have to be? But I mean, there’s more to this story than this so... mm.

But I went down there because I was asked to. Because we’d been ‘dating’ a month, and they’d last seen me two or three months prior. Apparently it was a booty call. A couple hundred miles away... booty call. I laugh now at times because I mean, at least I learned what I like in a bedroom setting or from kisses, but christ.

Like there were cute parts to the weekend, don’t get me wrong... but... mm. Like it’s so much bad stuff?? Or immature shit? Stuff that rubbed me wrong? I love Flo*ence and the Mac*ine but like I still kinda feel a chill up my spine when I hear one of her songs? I ignore it because nO ONE CAN TAKE MUSIC FROM ME. I WILL BECOME IMMUNE AND NUMB TO THE PAIN IN TIME but I just... K drank so fucking much... and DROVE US TO THE HOTEL YELLING THE LYRICS TO THIS SONG and I just remember feeling worried about what was wrong. All I ever do is what is asked of me, and I came there on their request to see me, I went along with everywhere they wanted to take me - I wound up asleep, feeling sick from nerves, them DRAPED behind me... and eventually wound up sitting on the side of the tub holding their hair as they got sick.

Reasons I don’t like margaritas. Too bitter. And they drank a pitcher alone pretty much. -soft hums-

I... just. It was weird. To feel wanted but not wanted. To have someone wash your hair in the shower and steal kisses in the store when you were mid sentence [which I also find adorable and laugh at and love] and... to find yourself not wanting them to touch you when you slept. Feeling odd being requested to cuddle up to them. I wasn’t... attached the way I thought I was? But I was scared to hurt them after a while because they... I mean... they SOBBED on me for five hours about going home. I spent my last day consoling someone when I should have probably been the sobbing one??

Everything is so estranged when I look back... I struggle in things now a days because everything they said to me and promised me. It’s all the ideal things you want to hear. I never imagined getting married before until it was asked of me if I’d ever thought about it. How pretty I’d be.

Just weird shit man. But this is the person who would tell me a year ago I was upset with them for not picking me, and jumping into another relationship? When I was upset because I was tired of trying to be normal friends and being flirted with because I was uncomfortable?

I was upset with being summoned for petting egos and getting emotional fulfillment from, and yet being brushed off and felt... weird even TALKING. I’m so thankful to Stephanie for making me see shit and giving me firepower to tell them to fuck off, because I just... don’t care anymore? I don’t care about them. I can’t imagine their face really even anymore.

I just don’t care. But I just vividly remember shit because that’s what I have to go off of for one, and for two? It’s so fucking strange to pull back and realize I... didnt’ love these people.

I didn’t love any of them beyond mistaking friendship and lineliness for love. And that makes me feel no better than them. Unconsciously using someone versus being used intentionally is different but in the end it’s the same and I just... I think that’s another part of why I’m really vocal about how I feel for Becca. Because it’s different feeling. It’s not just a need for being with someone or to not feel lonely. It’s not a need for anything.

Yes we fight and yes things aren’t always good with communicating but unlike everyone else she gave me the choice to speak up about things and she wants this to work out, and she doesn’t throw her hands up like it’s too much stress even though sometimes it fucking sure seems like it.

It’s different and that’s probably why I dwell on old things so much is because it makes me feel guilty for a second, but it kind of melts away into a weird sadness. Not melancholy but... it just aches a little for the wasted time and effort and emotions? Wasted energy caring abotu stuff I want to put so far behind me...

I respond different. I think different. I still withdraw out of fear, but that’s a reflex. You get punched so many times, you’re going to back away and be small when someone raises a voice. Mm.

CASUALLY MAKES A POST ABOUT BODY NEEDS TO NOT RANDOMLY BE WET FOR NO REASON, ENDS UP GOING ON ABOUT MY BODY IS A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE FOR ME, TOUCHES ON SO SOME DEEP SEEDED SHIT THAT BOTHERS ME, GOES INTO HOW I FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON, WRAPS UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND IS REALLY IMPORTANT AND I’M GAY.

FUCKING, KAT POSTS.