#eventually another guy came at like 5 which was so nice since multiple people in kitchen

[gatheryepens]

Todays shift was sooo exhausting

[anonquack]

| Chef Q |

Alex Quackity x Reader, Oneshot, Requested by: @anotherdreamsimp !!

Word Count: 3328

Warnings: Some curse words, mainly just some fluff !

Summary: Quackity hasn't been streaming recently, and decides to come back with a cooking stream. Featuring you as a special guest.

Lately, Quackity had been studying like crazy for his final exams. That meant no streaming. He'd take a break from it to focus entirely on his studies. Absolutely nothing else.

He claimed to have his priorities straight, and had the goal to pass all exams with high scores in order to keep his grades looking wonderful.

This also meant there was rarely any time spent between you two, beside the occasional snack breaks you forced him to take so he wouldn't die at his desk.

It was tough not being able to show him a random video you'd found on the timeline, or walking up to chat with him whenever you wanted, but you knew this was very important to him. So you gladly supported him and offered as much support as possible.

Thankfully, all of his studying paid off and he passed with flying colors. A teacher had even informed him that he'd received the top score for one of his final exams.

You were the first person to hear the news, and you couldn't help but feel the adoration coursing through your body at how excited he was to tell you. Jumping up and down and shaking you lightly as he told you about his scores.

You'd offered to take him out for a celebratory meal, to treat him for all his hard work and also since you missed the fun outings with him. There was no way he was saying no to that.

—

After a day out and about, you two had made your way back home. Both of you were pleasantly full, having enjoyed the meal and also dessert. His request, for "doing so well on his finals." How could you possibly deny him that?

You both were also very content, a warmth and comfort surrounding the air around you two the entirety of the outing.

One thing that was impossible not to notice was how he'd become exceptionally clingy as soon as you two were out of the car. Gripping onto your hand tightly as you singlehandedly unlocked the front door.

"I've missed you so much these past few days." He murmered as you finally got the door to open and pulled him inside.

"I've missed you too." You hummed softly. It was always nice hearing him say these things. You locked the front door, and gently pulled at his hand to lead him back to your room.

It didn't take much of a pull for him to willingly follow you. "Can we cuddle or something?" He asked softly, almost as if he was a bit embarrassed to ask. You turned to him and gave him a grin, along with a small nod.

You'd missed him, even if you two had been in the same apartment this whole time. You'd especially been missing cuddles with him, considering he studied pretty much all day. There wasn't enough time being shared together so you gladly agreed to some cuddling.

Sooner than later, you two found yourselves in your pajamas, laying in bed peacefully as you scrolled through tiktok, screen tilted in order for him to see as well. It really was so nice finally being able to be this close to him again.

After some time, you found yourself looking through tweets on the timeline. A certain one caught his attention and he asked you to stop scrolling.

It was a tweet from a fan, saying they missed Quackity since he hadn't streamed in two weeks, but that overall they hoped his tests were going fine.

"Has it really been 2 weeks?" He asked aloud as he clicked on it and looked through the replies, all agreeing with the original tweet.

"Mm.. two and a half, I think." You answered, looking at him curiously as a guilty expression appeared on his face.

"Hey." You called out once you saw the expression wasn't leaving. He turned to you with a small frown.

"It's fine. You had a good reason for being gone so long. I'm sure they understand. Plus, you'll be back soon, right?" You asked, to which he nodded before sitting up from the cuddling position you two were in.

You sat up as well, noticing how his eyes widened slightly, and a small smile made its way onto his face.

"I just got a great idea." He exclaimed. "Y'know, I was going to just spend the next few days with you since I missed you but– how about we stream something together? That way I can enjoy both, and the fans get a stream too."

You stared at him in surprise. The fans did know he was dating someone, but you rarely ever came out on streams, not because he didn't want you to but because you didn't deem it to be necessary.

The few times you had been on, you'd received tons of love and support from the chat, so you didn't think anything too bad would happen if you were to appear on his stream again.

"What did you have in mind?" You asked curiously. The other times you'd been on were him playing horror games and an extremely scuffed IRL stream.

"Well.. I haven't done a cooking stream in a while." He began, but you quickly shook your head.

"Oh no. Don't tell me you're going to make us eat some monstrosity‐ like your past cooking streams." You visibly shuddered at the thought. You remember having to help clean up the mess after. And no matter how funny it had been, the actual cleanup was awful.

"No no– I was thinking maybe we do a serious one, y'know? Chat hasn't really been able to see my cooking abilities, and well.. I'd say I am pretty good at it." He grinned. He was unfortunately right.

You relaxed at the mention of it being a 'serious' cooking stream. It could never really be too serious when it came to Quackity, but it meant not eating dog food or poorly made pizza. You were in.

"So we'll make an actual.. edible.. meal?" You questioned again, just to be sure. To which he nodded.

"Yeah, and we can enjoy that meal after. Like a date. What do you say?" He was beaming. It was his creativity rolling in. And he was probably so proud of himself for finding a way to spend time with you yet also give chat the stream content they'd been missing out on.

"Alright. I'm in."

You hadn't seen him this eager to get out of bed and head to the grocery store ever before. Chat was really in for a fun stream tomorrow.

—

He'd tweeted it out several hours before you two planned on starting the stream that he'd be streaming today with a special guest, and that he had his chef hat ready to go.

As you scrolled through Twitter you could see the timeline freaking out over 'COOKING STREAM' and 'SPECIAL GUEST'. Lots of discussion over who it was.

You couldn't help but feel a bit bad since the fans were probably speculating that he'd met up with his online friends, but in reality it was just you. In that case, you'd try your best to make this a fun stream, and your presence an enjoyable one.

As the time for the stream to start got closer, you helped him set the ingredients you'd be using onto the table, in a way where it was in perfect view for the stream to see and follow along if they wished.

"We're supposed to start in 5." You called out as he slipped his beanie on, fixing the few hair strands that were sticking out a bit too much.

He smiled and made his way over to you, cupping your face and giving you a small kiss. "I'm so excited to do some cooking with you. They're all going to love you."

You couldn't help the warm feeling that spread over your chest at his words. It was like introducing you all over again. He'd recently gained a lot of new followers, and that meant they probably had no idea who you were. Always fun going through that again.

He dealt with some last minute editing and placing, checking all ingredients were there and that everything was set, before hitting the 'Go Live' button.

It didn't take long for the viewers to increase after the tweet notification went out, and the starting soon screen was the only thing really protecting you two from the roaring chat.

Everyone was dying to know what was going on, who the special guest was, and whether this would be yet another scuffed cooking stream.

You stood behind the camera as the starting soon screen finally disappeared and he began greeting the viewers, thanking all the subs coming in, and eventually also giving them a little update on how he'd done on his exams.

You felt so proud as you watched him boast about how his studying had paid off, and how he talked about being the happiest he'd been in a while. He deserved all of it. And chat thought so too.

After some rambling about his test scores and what they'd be cooking today, chat finally became too impatient and asked for a reveal of the special guest.

"Fine. Fine. Since you guys are so fucking impatient." He huffed, watching as chat flew by, telling him to 'get on with it' and to 'TELL US WHO IT IS'. You couldn't help but laugh at the relationship he had with his chat. Always bullying each other but usually knowing when to stop and send love.

"I've actually had them on multiple other streams, not so much recently.. but they've been on my horror streams.. some IRL streams.. and they are really really special to me, chat!" He said with a big smile. Some of chat was confused as to who he was referring to, while older fans began to question if it was YOU. They were very smart.

"Some of the viewers might not know of them, so this is like I'm introducing them to chat all over again! Come over here." He finally directed the last part at you. You couldn't help but feel the sudden spike in anxiety, but chose to ignore it as you smiled back at him and headed into the frame beside him.

With a small wave and a greeting, you watched as chat completely broke. A mess of question marks and your name being spread in chat. You couldn't help but laugh. It was an overwhelmingly positive reaction as Quackity explained to new viewers that you were his partner, and that older fans were already aware of this for a while now.

The amount of 'y/n our beloved' and people asking if quackity's partner was single were abundant in chat, and you couldn't help but feel stupid for thinking the newer viewers would hate you or something.

Having the approval of Quackity's chat also made you feel lighter, it made it easier to let go and just enjoy the cooking stream.

You two began to explain what you'd be cooking to chat, and you made it very clear that he actually had to try and cook this time, to which chat agreed wholeheartedly.

He'd taken a recipe from his mom for one of his favorite meals, one he hadn't had in a while. He explained to chat that he wanted to see how well you and him could recreate it until you two took a trip to visit his family.

"Hopefully we don't disappoint her too much." You mumbled as he placed the chef hat onto your head, fixing it so you looked presentable.

"She can't be because we're actually gonna try." He stated before beginning to explain to chat what the meal was since many of them might not have even heard of it before. As he did that, you began to set aside the ingredients you wouldn't be needing until later.

After everything had been explained, it was time to get cooking. His concentration to try and recreate his mom's recipe was adorable, and chat agreed on that too.

This stream wasn't loud and messy like the others, but it was still enjoyable in its own way. Quackity was radiating such wonderful light and energy, cracking jokes and genuinely enjoying himself. It was all thanks to the stress and worries being lifted off his back. You really enjoyed seeing him like this.

Chat was able to follow along later if they wanted with how organized you guys were being, but the banter he had with you and chat made it entertaining to any casual viewer. He always found a way to make it fun.

Not only that, but chat was able to see a new side of him. The Chef Q side. More often than not, a message would roll in saying they were amazed by how good Quackity actually was at cooking. You could already imagine some of the edits that'd come out of the stream.

His mom had told you two beforehand how long it would normally take to cook this meal, and it was perfect for a usual stream and some extras where you two would actually get to try the food.

There was moments where chat was warning you two that the food would burn or that he'd accidentally set the kitchen on fire, but overall you were enjoying yourself so much.

And chat was enjoying your presence too!

By the time you two managed to finish the meal, you both plopped down onto the chairs he'd set for the supposed 'breaks'.

He had some of the sauce on his cheek and his apron, but still managed to look good. He'd also smeared sauce onto your cheek, and at this point some strands were sticking out of your hat in such a messy way since the last few minutes had been rather hectic, food almost burning and all.

"Chat. We did it." He called out before cheering loudly and clapping his hands, to which you swiftly followed along, chat beginning to cheer as well.

"I think its only right that we try what we made, don't you think?" You ask, to which chat quickly types YES in all caps, wanting to see the finished product and also find out if it even tastes good.

Quackity let out a chuckle as he smiled over at you. "Not gonna lie, I'm a little nervous. We haven't even seen it so it might just be black. Burnt to a crisp. Or what if it tastes like shit? Y/N i don't know what I'm going to do if the food tastes like shit. Thats what we're supposed to eat on our date." He whined a bit.

You shook your head, "It'll be great. And if not, we can just order takeout. It'll be fine big q." You smiled reassuringly. Chat became a frenzy of calling him cute for the state he was in, declaring their love for how supportive and kind you were, and melting over your relationship.

Before you knew it, you were both revealing the meal to chat, and pleasantly surprised by the results. The presentation of the meal itself looked really good. It looked like what you'd expect from such a plate. Quackity had even gone as far as saying it looked similar to how his mom made it.

You gasped, smiling in surprise at him. "Really? Did we really do that good of a job." His face turned into one of regret, and a long segment of silence engulfed you two before he nodded hesitantly. You both broke out into a fit of laughter.

"Okay okay, seriously. Chat's waiting for you to try it." You placed a fork in front of him, earning a loud scoff from him.

"They want to see you try it as well." He mirrored your actions and you gladly took the fork.

"Alright. First bite. Let's see if all our hard work paid off! Chat, are you ready?" You grinned and watched as the 'YES's started rolling in, some viewers telling you both to get the fuck on with it, and others gushing about how the food actually looked good. You could only hope.

You watched as he began to dig in, mouth full and chewing slowly, truly trying to savor the first bite. You did the same, and the stream was silent for the first time in a while. Chat was in suspense as well, question marks and incoherent rambling rolling through the chat.

"Chat..." he finally spoke after swallowing his bite. "Chat. It's." He paused before showing a small smile. "It's not bad at all. I like it. It's good."

You nodded your head in agreement, "It's nowhere near as good as the ones your mom makes.. but I think you and I make a pretty good team."

"I think so too. And not just for cooking." He grinned, earning himself a playful eye roll and shy smile from you.

The stream proceeded to you two feeding each other bites of the meal, asking each other if it was good, and just enjoying yourselves for a bit longer before Quackity deemed it was time to end.

"Chat !! Thank you so much for tuning in and watching this.. actually coordinated cooking stream. I had so much fun and well, I ate yummy food. I'm happy." He laughed, thanking a few more gifters before doing his signature Bye, and ending stream.

He hurried over to your side, pulling you into a hug. "Thank you so much. I truly had fun. And they definitely loved you, but not nearly as much as I do."

You chuckled at his words, giving him a small kiss before cupping his face. "I had a lot of fun too. Thank you for always being so nice to me." You paused, observing how cute he looked with his chef hat still on. "I think I like Chef Alex." You reached over and fixed his hat a bit.

"Yeah? Should I keep it on?" He teased, coming a bit closer. You couldn't help the warmth that spread over your cheeks at how blunt he was.

"Yes, but you need to help me clean this up. Maybe after we finish the food, hm? C'mon. Don't think I forgot our deal."

He whined, already feeling too lazy, but he quickly followed after you as you two sat down to actually eat. Still wearing the silly attire he'd bought for the stream, far too unbothered to change just yet.

Through a mouthful he asked, "Cuddles and a nap after we're done?"

You smiled and nodded, to which he gave a silent cheer. That was enough motivation to get you both up and cleaning after finishing the meal.

—

Wrapped in each other's arms again. He couldn't seem to get enough of it. You were once again scrolling through Twitter, this time scrolling through his indirects, wanting to see what people were saying about the stream.

He'd ask you to stop to read certain ones he found funny, and even 'aww'd at the ones he found cute, mainly those talking about how cute you two looked.

Surely enough, there was already edits using the clips of him cooking, and you'd openly admitted to him that he looked "so fucking good." To which he responded by cuddling closer, if even humanly possible.

Quackity found the numerous clips of you two feeding each other to be the best part of the tweets. You two rewatched, saved, liked as many as you could before he became tired.

And with that, he was pulling you close, and leaving small kisses anywhere he could on your face. Eventually, his chest slowly rose and fell as he entered a deep slumber. You smiled, glad to see he was finally getting the rest he deserved.

"Goodnight, Alex." You whispered, leaving a small kiss on his cheek before closing your eyes as well.

[babygirl-diaz]

Samtember 23: Happy Birthday

2193 Words | Rated G | For @samwilsonfest

Sam felt like he was missing something when he woke up this morning. But he shrugged it off, thinking that if it was important, it would come to him eventually. So he went on his usual run, came back home to shower, make himself coffee before heading out to the base to train Joaquin. All the while, he kept getting the sense that he was forgetting something important.

As he flew up in the air with Joaquin behind him, he heard the younger man's voice in his ear...

"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Sam. Happy birthday to you," he sang. "Sam, get to the ground, I want to show you something."

"Show me what?" Sam asked.

"Can't tell you, man. It's a surprise."

Sam rolled his eyes behind his goggles and dove towards the ground. When he got to his feet, he looked around and found a couple of guys from the air force standing around, looking up at the sky. Curious, Sam looked up too, and his eyes widened. Joaquin had written "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAM," in the sky.

"Happy birthday, Sam."

"Happy birthday, Cap."

The air force guys wished him.

When Joaquin got back to the ground, he gave Sam a broad smile and pulled him into a hug, much to Sam's surprise. "Happy birthday, Cap!"

"Thanks, man," Sam awkwardly pat him on the back.

"Wanna get lunch? My treat," said Joaquin.

Sam contemplated the offer. He didn't have to do anything for the rest of the day and he was far from home, so it would be nice not to spend his birthday alone.

"Okay."

They ended up at a bar, although it was only 1 PM. After a cheeseburger, a couple of beers, and a great conversation with Joaquin, Sam was a happy camper. Once they finished lunch, Joaquin headed to the bathroom, giving Sam time to finally look at his phone.

"Shit," he hissed when he realized he had 20 missed calls from Sarah as well as 5 messages asking him to call her back.

Figuring that Sarah must want to wish him on his birthday, he called her back.

"Sam! Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you all morning!"

"Hello to you too, sis," Sam chuckled. "Sorry, I was a little busy--"

"Sam, I need you to come home."

Sam sat up straight, the buzz of the beer immediately wearing off when he heard the worry in his sister's voice. "What's wrong?"

"Can't tell you that over the phone. Could you please just come back today?"

"I- I can't drive. I've been drinking."

"It's only 2 PM there! Can't you catch a flight? I'll pick you up from New Orleans."

"Okay," Sam replied. "Yeah, okay, I'll be there. Whatever this is, can't it wait till tomorrow?"

"No, it's really urgent, Sam. I'm kinda in a whole lotta trouble."

"Shit, Sarah. What did you do?" Sam rubbed his forehead.

"Just get here!" Sarah said before hanging up.

"Everything okay?"

Sam looked up to find Joaquin giving him a concerned look.

"It's my sister. She's in some kinda trouble. She needs me home right away."

"Damn," said Joaquin. "What you gonna do now?"

"Head home." Sam sighed as he looked up flights on Google.

"You driving?" Joaquin asked.

"Been drinking, Joaquin. Can't drive," Sam replied, although he felt much sober now.

"I could drive you! A road trip will be nice!"

"You've been drinking too, buddy," Sam reminded him. Joaquin looked visibly disappointed, but he nodded. Sam booked the flight and got up from his seat. "Thanks for lunch, man. This was great. Let's catch up when I get back."

With that, he gave Joaquin a quick hug before heading back to his apartment to pack.

***

On the plane, Sam tried to relax but he couldn’t.

“You alright there?” Sam’s neighbor asked.

Sam tried not to groan. So the person beside him was a talker. “Yeah, I’m good,” Sam replied and finally looked over at the person. He had to do a double-take because the guy looked so much like Steve. But that wasn’t all. Sam had actually seen him somewhere before.

“Wait… Don’t I know you?” Both the guy and Sam asked at the same time. The guy laughed and shook his head.

“I’m Toby,” he introduced himself.

“You’re the guy that plays Steve Rogers on the Broadway show…” Sam trailed off. Sam felt a pang in his heart as he continued to watch the guy.

“Yeah and you’re the real Captain America,” the guy -Toby- said, giving him a smile. “Sorry, this must be really weird,” he continued.

“You have no idea.” Sam laughed humorlessly and shook his head.

“Can I ask you something?” Toby asked.

“No, he was a terrible singer,” Sam replied.

Toby looked confused for a second before he burst out laughing. “You a mind reader too, huh? Is that your superpower?”

“I wish,” Sam scoffed. “No, but really, what was your question?”

“Is he on the moon?” A smirk spread across Toby’s lips.

“Yeah, he’s totally on the moon. Just chilling up there. I actually fly up there every uh-- Monday and Thursday and we hang out.” Sam rolled his eyes.

That made Toby laugh even more. “Man, you’re hilarious,” as his laughter died down, a serious look spread across his face, “Can I make this even weirder?” He asked.

Sam raised an eyebrow at him but didn’t reply.

“Happy birthday,” said Toby.

“How did you--”

“I follow you. Quite extensively,” Toby replied, visibly cringing. “I am kind of a huge fanboy.”

Sam blinked at him and tried to find the right words. He was flattered… but also weirded out.

“And now you look like you’re looking for an escape route.” Toby awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “And that wasn’t even the weird part.”

“There’s more?” Sam asked, surprised.

“Yeah, I was going to ask if you would like to go out with me sometime?”

“Oh…” Sam mumbled. “Look, I’m flattered but…”

“But it’s weird. Dating your potentially dead best friend’s look alike?”

“Yeah, something like that,” Sam laughed awkwardly. “I wish the circumstances were different cause you’re a very good-looking guy. Besides, I live in D.C. and you live in New York… it wouldn’t work.” Speaking of New York, Sam looked down at his phone and realized he had no calls or messages from Bucky. He felt another pang in his heart. Did Bucky forget it was Sam’s birthday? Sam could forgive Sarah for forgetting since she was stressed out, but Bucky had no excuse.

“Hello?” Toby brought Sam out of his thoughts and Sam looked over at him to find the guy giving him a curious look. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. And sorry again.”

“Oh, don’t sweat it. Can I have your phone?” Toby asked.

Sam looked at him suspiciously, but then he unlocked his phone and gave it to the actor.

“That’s my number. If you ever wanna watch the show, just hit me up and I’ll leave you the tickets. Or if you ever just wanna hang out, lemme know.” The guy gave him a charming smile that resembled Steve’s before handing over his phone.

They landed soon and Toby wished Sam a happy birthday once again before they parted ways.

Sam’s phone rang as he made his way to the exit and he quickly took it out, only to find it was Sharon. He tried not to sound disappointed as he answered the phone, “Hey Sharon.”

“Happy birthday, Sam,” she said, making Sam smile.

“Thanks,” Sam replied.

“Where are you? I was hoping to take you out to dinner tonight. Figured you wouldn’t want to be on your own on your birthday.”

“I’m in Louisiana,” Sam replied. “Just landed here.”

“Oh wow. That wasn’t in your plan until yesterday.”

“Plans changed,” Sam replied, shrugging, although she couldn’t see him.

“Well, I owe you dinner then,” said Sharon. “Catch up with me when you get back?”

“Will do.”

They said their goodbyes and hung up by the time Sam got to the exit. Sam then called up Sarah. “Where are you?” He asked.

“I’m almost there,” Sarah replied.

Sarah was there 5 minutes later and when Sam opened the passenger door to get in, he heard part of the conversation she was having on the phone. “I’m on my way,” she said to someone. “I swear Bu-- Bonnie, if you mess this up--”

Sam frowned at that. He was so sure Sarah was about to say Bucky.

“What, you too old to give your sister a hug now?” Sarah asked after she hung up.

Sam rolled his eyes at her dramatics and reached over to hug her. “How you doing?” He asked.

“I could be better,” Sarah replied.

Sam pulled apart and gave her a sympathetic look. “You wanna tell me what’s going on now?” He asked as she pulled out of the loading zone.

“When we get home,” Sarah replied. “Can we talk about something else for now?”

“Okay,” Sam sighed and let it go. For now.

They talked about Sam’s Cap job. Sarah seemed proud of him. She even said so multiple times, which made Sam smile throughout their ride to Delacroix.

“So who’s Bonnie and why were you threatening her?” Sam asked as they pulled up in the driveway.

“Oh, she’s just one of the moms in PTA. We have a fundraiser coming up but it’s hard to leave her in charge of things.” Sarah replied as she typed away on her phone.

“Then why do you?” Sam asked as he got out of the car and grabbed his backpack.

“I ask myself the same question,” Sarah mumbled under her breath, but Sam still heard it.

The house was eerily quiet when Sam and Sarah got inside. “Where are the boys?” Sam asked. But then he heard noises in the backyard and immediately became alert. “Is there someone back there?” Sam asked.

“Why don’t you go check it out?” Sarah suggested.

Her nonchalance took Sam aback but he said nothing as he made his way towards the backdoor.

“SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAM!”

“Shit!” Sam almost fell back when a group of about 30 people greeted him in the backyard. “What is happening?” Sam asked, dumbfounded.

“Your birthday, that’s what, Uncle Sam!” AJ laughed as he and Cass came over and hugged him. “Happy birthday, Uncle Sam,” both kids wished him at the same time.

Sam felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around to see Sarah smiling broadly at him. “Happy birthday, Sam,” she wished him but couldn’t give him a hug as she was holding his birthday cake. So Sam gave her a side hug instead.

“Is Bucky here too?” He asked when he noticed the Oreo cake Sarah was holding.

“Yeah, he’s in the back there, trying but failing to grill,” she laughed. “Go get him while I get the cake set up.”

Sam nodded and made his way through the crowd, greeting and talking to pretty much everyone.

“So this is why I didn’t get any calls or messages from you,” Sam said when he finally got to Bucky.

Bucky turned around and smirked at him. “Had I known you were waiting for my call, Wilson--”

“I wasn’t!” Sam answered a little quicker than necessary.

“Right…” Bucky trailed off. “Well, get over here so I can wish you!”

“Alright, bossy,” Sam shook his head before walking over to Bucky and giving him a tight hug.

“Happy birthday, Sam,” Bucky said, hugging him back.

They pulled apart but stayed close together, Sam’s eyes briefly trailing down to Bucky’s lips.

“You gonna kiss me?” Bucky asked.

Sam immediately looked up at him. “What? No!”

“I wouldn’t be opposed to it if you did,” Bucky replied.

“Of course you wouldn’t,” Sam laughed and moved away from him. “So you and Sarah plan this?”

“The boys came up with the idea. Sarah called me up last week and asked if I was in. Of course, I was.”

“You came all the way from New York, just to prepare for my surprise birthday party?” Sam asked, feeling all warm and fuzzy inside.

“Don’t look too happy. I did it for Sarah and the boys.”

“Right…” Sam trailed off, rolling his eyes. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

“Nothing does. You’re kinda in my thoughts all the time.”

Sam opened and closed his mouth a few times but no words came out.

“I’m as the kids say ‘a simp for you’” Bucky snickered at his own terrible joke.

Sam put his hand behind Bucky’s head and pulled him in to kiss him. Bucky seemed surprised at first but then he kissed him back.

When they pulled apart, Sam smiled at Bucky. “Now come on. Time for my terrible Oreo cake.”

“Hey! It’s the best cake out there!” Bucky protested. “And this time I made it myself.” He added, much to Sam’s surprise.

“I didn’t have a death wish on my birthday,” Sam joked.

“Haha hilarious,” Bucky said with a roll of his eyes.

“I’m a grade-A comedian!” Sam winked at him.

[dreamylyfe-x]

you know i'm rewatching the gallavich wedding planning and i can't help but feel like i don't know who this is, but it ain't mickey! them writing him to be all specific about colors and sh*t, like where's the real mickey from s4 who was annoyed with that guy listing beer types? i get they wanted to do that dumb gag but they should've used someone else for it. i mean ian's the one who was always meticulous about details, they showed that from the beginning. i don't know i just found it so weird

Aw, yeah. I get that reaction -- I think it’s pretty widely shared. And I suspect that storyline did come from someone pitching “it’d be funny if Mickey was a groomzilla.” Which is an idea I find annoying. Because I find the whole bridezilla thing annoying. 

But... I kinda love it, to be honest. 

I really like the idea that Mickey has an aesthetic and some artistic tendencies. We know he draws. I think there’s some indication in canon that Mickey is creative -- both in problem solving and in, let’s say, his sartorial choices. Mickey seems to act on things a lot. He’s not buying those hoodies without sleeves. He is creating hoodies without sleeves.  

Ian IS meticulous... or at least, he’s organized. He’s also given to executing a plan that isn’t necessarily of his own devising. He is drawn to uniforms and he seeks out knowledge he can apply to systems and processes. He seems to have an appreciation for creativity and art, but he isn’t particularly creative himself. 

So of the two of them, I think Mickey is actually much more likely to observe the details and to have opinions about them. That’s still a long way away from having a meltdown about gold chiavari chairs with white cushions. I do realize this. And I remember how that scene came out as a sneak peek the week before and I was... concerned. But when I saw it in context, I honestly liked it. Not so much the scene itself, but the story of that episode. It’s pretty much the only ep that season where Mickey’s concerns are foregrounded over Ian’s and, though (as always) I would have liked MORE of it, I like that we got this one episode about what the wedding mean to Mickey. 

So here are the top reasons why I like and buy this story. 

1. Right off the top, I don’t think Mickey objecting to being given a list of beers indicates he’s not going to care about what chairs are at his wedding. Putting aside that he’s lived an additional five or so years since then, Mickey doesn’t get annoyed in that scene because he thinks it’s dumb to know a lot about beer -- He’s annoyed that Ryan has asked him a question he can’t answer. I’ve always thought of that as a class issue -- He has never been in much of a position to CARE about what he drinks, and he drinks mass-produced pilsners because that’s what everyone in Southside drinks, because it’s cheap. He might love a winter wheat. He has no goddamn idea, because he isn’t living a life where you get to concern yourself with whether or not you’re into IPAs or lagers. Mickey DOES like beer. I was surprised and delighted when he recently ordered a stout at The Alibi, because it does indicate that his life has changed enough that he gets to know a bit more about beer. That at some point, he had the time and inclination to alter his tastes. He might have a different answer for Ryan now.

2. That Mickey wants things. Just... I don’t know. Mickey wanting anything other than food, shelter and Ian gets me so much. Mickey attending to his hierarchy of needs legitimately makes me teary. For people who grow up like Mickey -- asking for things can be a very big deal. So the fact that he just decides he’s going to make a wedding happen -- and a wedding with nice flowers and chairs that will reflect the light (because, we find out, that’s why he wants the gold) and a singer who will perform Livin’ on a Prayer -- is a big deal. And as many have cited before me, it makes sense that Mickey wants a better wedding with Ian than the one he had with Svetlana. But what we also find out, when we get the moment with the vows, is that Mickey takes the whole thing very seriously. He delivers those vows with complete commitment and deep sincerity. So I understand why he wants that space to carry the weight of what is happening. 

3. Mickey doesn’t break the chair because it’s not gold. He breaks the chair because every single person he’s encountered that day is a fucking dick. And they’re being a dick about his wedding. Something he’s happy about, and something he wants to celebrate. And, honestly, he’s not asking for much. He’d be annoyed, but most likely not violent, if his father hadn’t aimed a gun his face and some random old lady hadn’t refused him as a client because he’s gay. Brooks -- who tries to gaslight and act like the chairs are the chairs that were asked for when he knows damn well they are not -- is taking the wrath for a number of other people. But to me, the most important line in that scene is “why does everything always have to suck?”

4. Another thing about this is... back when Mickey responds to Ryan’s multiple choice beer question with “how ‘bout beer?” Ryan covers the awkward moment by making a joke about his own sexuality. The implication being that relating to beer with the kind of detail traditionally reserved for wine, is not masculine. And the thing is, Ryan is making a joke at his own expense, but he’s also acknowledging something that has always been true for Mickey. That Mickey has to make sure he never, ever displays any of these qualities Ryan so casually exhibits. Whether it’s natural for him or not, Mickey has to avoid anything that can be read to be a stereotype. He has to be hyper masculine, both because he’s from House that Toxic Masculinity built, but also because HE knows, even when he won’t acknowledge it, that he’s gay. So when we see Mickey openly talking about what flowers and chairs he wants at the wedding, he’s letting out something that could very well have always been there, but that he never, ever would have expressed back in seasons 1 through 4. Mickey doesn’t kiss Ian for two whole seasons because he’s so messed up about his sexuality. I 100% buy that, at that same time, he isn’t acknowledging having opinions about home decor. 

5. I like it when Mickey defies our expectations. I’m find with him discovering or revealing new facets or abilities or interests -- what I don’t like is when they have him do something that seems more like a regression. The show lampshades that this is something of a surprise, for Mickey to want a wedding, by having Ian be absolutely baffled by it for most of the episode. But they also participate in the end. There’s an indication that Mickey and Ian plan the eventual wedding together, though I imagine Mickey’s stronger opinions took the day in most cases. And the gesture at the end of that episode -- a romantic gesture just as surprising from Ian as anything Mickey does in that episode, really -- validates Mickey in a way I think is pretty beautiful. Like... he gets to be a guy who wants someone to sing Livin’ on a Prayer to him while he holds his boyfriend’s fiancé’s hand. He wasn't allowed to be that guy for years. I like that he gets there. 

So. We might not agree on this, but I really like that you drew a parallel between that scene and the party scene at Ryan’s because I hadn’t though of that before and I think it’s a very interesting one. I also enjoyed thinking so much about this on the day that we mark their one year anniversary! Because holy fuck. Gallavich is married! 

[writingtoforgetreality]

I Could Never Give You Peace (Lucifer Morningstar x Reader)

[Lucifer-Masterlist]

Summary: Lucifer and you were dating but your past did not make this relationship easy for you. Your mind did not want to give you the satisfaction of being happy with another person. You were certain: you could never give him peace.

Words: 2,065

Warnings: Lucifer Season 5 Part 1 spoilers, abusive parents, abusive past, talks about depression and anxiety, panic attack, language, fluff, (Y/E/C) = your eye color (please don´t read if any of these warnings trigger you  - if you need someone to talk to feel free to message me anytime <3)

Inspired by: “peace” by Taylor Swift

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

Our coming-of-age has come and gone Suddenly the summer, it's clear I never had the courage of my convictions As long as danger is near And it's just around the corner, darling 'Cause it lives in me No, I could never give you peace

It took you long enough to finally give in and go on a date with the famous Lucifer Morningstar. You guys worked alongside for the L.A.P.D and it was clear, from the very first second, that you would eventually end up together. Despite many of your protests, you let him take you out and the rest was history.

Why were you so concerned in the first place? Well, your life had not been particularly easy to say the least. It all started when you were born. Your parents were not ready to be just that: parents. Hence why they had never given you the love you desperately crave for as a child. As you grew older and started school, you had a hard time making new friends. Again, you ended up alone, nobody giving you attention. Everyone had treated you as if you were invisible. It did not take long and you did in fact start to slowly disappear. The few friendships you managed to have throughout the years ended horribly. When you told them about your parents, how they beat you, screamed at you and so on, all they did was giving you an unbelieving look. “It´s probably because you deserve it.” As a kid, hearing so many people tell you this over and over...you started believing them.

Those events concluded to you being depressed and filled with anxiety. You swore to yourself that you would never let another person get too close to you again. The ending was always the same, there was no point in trying anymore.

Despite your hard times in high school and college, you managed to get a job at the L.A.P.D and you absolutely loved to work there. Yes, some sort of teamwork was necessary but you did not have to be friends in order to be a well working team. Your colleagues were so nice to you and you would have loved to get to know them better, become friends even but you past prevented you from doing so. This rule did not apply for every single one though. For once, there was Chloe Decker, who had helped you get settled in and always made sure to reassure you of your abilities without even knowing that you struggled to believe her. Ella made you smile and laugh uncontrollably, something you were unfamiliar pretty much your entire life. Dan was this self-love-advocate you could not be mad at. He started his days off with going around the precinct and throwing an inspiring quote at you. One person, though, was something else. Lucifer´s presence seemed to calm you every time. Feeling at ease was something you were not quite used to but when he was around, you were...happy? A feeling you had never experienced before. Lucifer read you so well, he knew your past had been bad. Your face, your flinches, the constant need of reassurance gave you away. For the first few months, he did not say anything to you. What he did try, though, was trying to ask you out. Lucifer wanted to get to know you better but you did not make it easy for him, that much was sure.

Somehow, he did get you to agree to go on a date with him. The two of you started the night off at LUX but soon the crowd was growing and you felt uneasy. Not wanting to ruin your night with Lucifer, you did not say anything and tried to hide your anxiety. He sensed your feelings and suggested to head up to his apartment which you gladly accepted.

That night changed you forever. Due to the alcohol in your system, because you never drank, you started opening up to him. At the end of the night, you were seated in Lucifer´s lap, your head buried in his chest, your tears staining his shirt. Lucifer was beyond angry when you told him everything. Not at you but at everyone who had ever hurt you. You were so precious and definitely did not deserve any of the pain you had gone through. He made it his job to be there for you, to help you through it. All he wanted to do was help.

About two weeks after this incident you guys started dating but not before you warned Lucifer.

“Look, Luci...Truth is, I´m a mess. I don´t want to burden you with my problems.” your eyes focused on the floor, not wanting to see his reaction.

“Let me take care of you then.” he said, coming closer to give you a hug that made you feel at home. Because that was what he was to you: your home.

But I'm a fire, and I'll keep your brittle heart warm If your cascade ocean wave blues come All these people think love's for show But I would die for you in secret The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

Your relationship was well received by the rest of the department. For the first time in your life, you felt true happiness and love. Yet, the demons inside your head did not make it easy for you. The voices constantly reminded you of your insecurities. There were days you did not want to get out of bed, scared you would fuck up every little task you were asked to do. It had happened multiple times before. You simply did not want to let anyone down, especially not Lucifer.

Your integrity makes me seem small

You paint dreamscapes on the wall

I talk shit with my friends It's like I'm wasting your honor

“(Y/N)? Darling, what´s wrong?” you were hiding in one of the interrogation rooms, trying to calm your panic attack that was currently going on. That was why you did not hear Lucifer storm in. He had been searching for you and his gut feeling told him there was something wrong.

“Hey, it´s okay. I´m right here.” he started by slowly touching your shoulders, not wanting to scare you and increase the panic inside of you. His touch made you look up at him. This only made you cry harder, embarrassed he saw you like that. This was the first time Lucifer saw you going through a period like that but you had told him before that you suffered from them every since you were little. He positioned himself so you were both on the floor and hugged you close to him, whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Even though you did not really understand what he was saying, your heartbeat slowed down and your breathing came back to normal. You had never recovered from a panic attack that fast before.

“I´m sorry.” you sniffed, your eyes red and puffy. Lucifer felt a sting in his chest by your appearance. It hurt him just as much knowing that you had to live with a mind that wanted to play tricks on you.

“You know there´s nothing to be sorry about.” he smiled at you, stroking your back softly.

“You could´ve everyone and yet you´re with me. I´m broken, Luci, I´m way past being saved.” His eyes widened at you confession. How could someone as beautiful as you think of yourself so horribly. To him, you were a gift he was lucky enough to receive. He never wanted to live without you next to him ever again. Words were not what you needed at the moment so he let his actions speak. His lips crashed onto yours in such a soft and loving way that made you melt into his touch. You could feel everything he was trying to say and were endlessly grateful he had saved you. Without him, who knew where you would be right now? After pulling away, he looked deeply into your (Y/E/C) eyes and whispered something that made your heart skip a beat.

“You´d do the same for me. You saved me as much as I saved you.” it was as if he read your thoughts. Lucifer always knew what to say in such situations. Yes, he could be a sarcastic, narcissistic asshole but when it counted most, he was empathetic and simply perfect. But he was right, you would do the same for him.

And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences Sit with you in the trenches Give you my wild, give you a child Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother Is it enough?

The day he saw you having a panic attack changed something in your relationship. Lucifer watched you more closely, touched you whenever he had the chance to do so. He read you so well, it seemed like he knew you better than you knew yourself sometimes. Another thing Lucifer did, something you were not aware of, was to let Chloe, Ella and Dan know about your struggles. He did that because he wanted to avoid any triggers as far as it was possible. From that time on, everyone paid close attention and it really worked. Your anxiety was not as triggered anymore and you even let them get closer to you. As close as calling them your friends. For the first time in years you had actual friends. Friends who looked after you, wanted to get to know you better, cared for you like the family you had never had. Despite all of their love, you still had down days. Days where you could cry for hours, where everything seemed to set you over the edge, where your dark thoughts haunted you. Days that made you question your relationship with Lucifer. The voices telling you that he deserved so much better than you. Were they right?

But there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west I'd give you my sunshine, give you my best But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me

Luckily, Lucifer knew when you where feeling down and on those days, he made you feel extra loved. Sometimes you guys took the day off and just wandered around the city, relaxed in his apartment or just cuddled in his bed. He knew what you needed without you telling him. Something you were entirely thankful for because, sometimes, you did not even know what you needed. Having him in your life was a true blessing. Who would have thought that the devil had such a soft side for a human being? 

But I'm a fire, and I'll keep your brittle heart warm If your cascade ocean wave blues come All these people think love's for show But I would die for you in secret The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

“Luci?” your voice was barely above a whisper. The two of you were laying in his bed, just cuddling and enjoying the silence. He hummed as a sign for you to continue. You wanted to ask him a question that had been lingering in the back of your mind for a while now. Before, you were always too scared to confront him with it, thinking he would look at you like you were pathetic. Maybe you were.

“Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?” despite your quiet voice Lucifer heard you loud and clear. He pulled you closer to him. Your head was under his chin and he moved so he could kiss your forehead. Your thoughts were running wild. What would his answer be like? Would it ruin what you had? Would it ruin the only consistent thing you had ever had? Would he leave like the others did? Would it be enough if I could never give you peace? Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

“Darling, I feel peace whenever I´m around you. Wanna know why?” a slight movement of your head made him continue. “Because I love you.”

Published (09/03/2020) by Cathy

Tags: @my-fic-corner, @daddyissuesmademe (thanks for your support <3)

[makaias-trash-heap]

Soooooo lately ya girl here has been running into a lot of writing issues so I gave something a try...BACK TO BASICS FOR WHAT I ORIGINALLY MADE THIS BLOG FOR!!! First time I’ve written anything for my favorite Tsundere in a while. Enjoy!! Just more of my own self indulgent writing while I have no requests.

“Sooooo, guess who I just heard from.” 

Shin glanced up from his book with his usual blank expression, “Why not just tell me?”

Mira smiled and rolled her eyes slightly, “My parents. They called and asked me to come over for dinner for my sister's birthday this weekend.” She stated, plopping on the couch next to him.

Mirdorima raised an eyebrow giving her an intrigued look, “This is the first time they've wanted you over since we've been together nanodayo.” 

Mira hummed in agreement leaning into his side, naturally causing him to blush like always. 

“Are you going?” 

Mira shook her head, “Probably not.”

“Why not?”

“Shin, my family and I haven't gotten along in years. I've tried going over a few times and it always ends in a fight.”

She ignored the look he gave her in favor of playing with his fingers, a habit she picked up on when he still tapped them.

“Mira, they're still your family nanodayo. We've been together for nearly 3 years and I don't recall you seeing them at all.”

“Not true, I've seen my brother.”

“Mira.”

“Look, I don't want to go because I don't want to fight and that's exactly what will happen. Especially going now.”

He gave Mira a slight confused look, “What does that mean?”

She sighs turning to face him, “We've been together for about 3 years and aren’t engaged, I'm perfectly with how things have been going but my parents are incredibly judgmental and will nag and question why. There's also the fact that I’m 2 years older than you. And even though it’s incredibly stupid, my parents will not agree with the fact that I'm with someone younger than me. And to top all of that off I'm pregnant out of wedlock, big no no to my parents. We also fight about my brother everytime I'm there. I guess they invited him too so this is going to be twice the chaos.” 

Midorima adjusted his glasses looking down at her, “I understand these situations can be uncomfortable, but they're still your family and you haven't seen them in years. For all you know they may have changed from the last time you saw them.” 

Mira halfheartedly glared at him and sighed realizing this wasn't going anywhere, “You aren't letting this go until I agree to go are you?”

“I don't intend to.”

“Fine. But if I have to deal with them you're coming with me.”

He turned his full attention to her, “What! Why am I involved in this?”

“You got involved when you bugged me into going. And besides, as you've said, we've been together for 3 years, and you've yet to meet my family.”

If looks could kill Mira would be dead right now, multiple times over. 

“You'll see why I don't get along with them and I promise you'll never end up going with them again and you won't bug me into it.”

Midorima lets out a sigh leaning back into his seat, “I suppose. When are we supposed to be there?”

“Saturday at 5.” 

(Skip to weekend)

“Remind me again why we're here?” Mira groaned as they pulled up in front of her parents house. She ignored the slightly surprised look that snuck his way to his face. She’d given him warning that her family was pretty well off. 

He recovered quickly enough, “Because they're your family nanodayo.”

Mira rolled her eyes trying to mentally prepare herself for the interaction tonight. They climbed out of the car and started making their way up to the house. Mira spotted her brother coming up the sidewalk and waved.

“So you decided to come too huh.” Kenjuro said, returning the gesture.

“Not really, Shin forced me into it. I'm kinda surprised you came though.” 

He shrugged, “Boyfriend forced me to. He offered to come for moral support but you and I both know that that would have been a really bad idea.”

“How’s Reo-chan doing?” Mira asked as they started walking up the sidewalk to the house.

“Good. I watched him play basketball with his old team from high school. So that was kinda exciting .”

They finally reached the door and stood awkwardly glancing at each other until Midorima gently nudged her forward.

“Ok ok sheesh.”

Mira knocked on the door secretly hoping that her parents would ignore them and not answer….sadly that did not happen. Much to her dismay her sister Aika answered the door. 

“Hey Kenjuro, Mira.” Aika greeted them with a fake sweet smile.

“Hey Aika, happy birthday.”

Mira slipped past her with Kenjuro and toed her my shoes off pulling Midorima in behind her. 

“Hello Mira, Kenjuro. We're glad you could make it.” Her parents appeared at the door to greet them

“Hey mom, hey dad.” Mira forced a smile. 

“Who is your guest Mira?”

“Oh, right, Um, mom dad, this is Midorima Shintarou, my boyfriend. Shin, these are my parents.” 

“It's nice to meet you Hashigawa-San.” Midorima politely greeted her parents. 

“The pleasure is ours. Please right this way. Dinner is almost ready.”

Everyone started filing into the dining room, Mira and Midorima following behind last. 

“I don't understand your concern. Your parents seem rather pleasant.” He mumbled quietly so only Mira could hear it. 

“Oh, just wait for dinner. That's usually when the show starts.”

They all took a seat at the table, Kenjuro sitting as far as possible from their parents. Which left Mira and her sister to sit by them. Midorima sat next to Mira starting to notice the awkward atmosphere.

“So Mira. It's been a while since we've last spoken. What have you been up to?” Her father asked after a few moments of silence.

Mira hesitated a second before preparing to answer, this most likely this wasn’t going to go well.

“Working mostly, I just finished up art school not that long ago so I've been working freelance for a while. Making films for tourist companies, helping design Billboards, things like that.” 

Her parents stayed quiet before turning their attention to Midorima.

“Midorima-San, may I ask what you do for a living?”

“I am going into the medical field. I'm currently working on my internship at the hospital.” Midorima straightened up answering.

Mira’s father nodded, “Then a man as logical as you, you can't support this crazy dream of hers.”

Midorima froze and glanced at Mira before answering, “It's her decision to make and if it's something that she feels strongly about then naturally she has my support.” 

Her father was about to say something when he was cut off, “Now now dear, we're trying to have a nice civilized dinner tonight. Ok, this is a discussion we can have another time.”

Mira quickly turned her attention back to her food to avoid more questions. It worked for a while. Although this point Midorima was very uncomfortable. Kenjuro followed Mira’s lead but he's usually safe from questions. Their parents hate the fact that he's gay so they usually don't even acknowledge that part of his life. 

“Mira.” 

Mira looked up from her plate to see her mom holding the wine bottle out to her.

“Oh no thank you mom. I'm good.”

Aika snorted across the table, “wow, you of all people are turning down alcohol?”

Mira rolled her eyes, “do you really want to go there Aika?”

She shrugged, “I'm just saying for a while here sobriety was not your strong suit,” Mira shot a glare at her across the table, “oops sorry, did your boyfriend not know about that?”

“Do mom and dad know you've been sneaking into the liquor cabinet since you were like 14?” Mira shot right back at her.

Of course he knows, he helped her get her act cleaned up. Still a rather sensitive topic right now.

“Ok that's enough you two.” 

Mira rolled her eyes at her dads warning, ready to leave. On top of the unpleasant conversation, the constant nausea from the morning sickness was rough on her today.

“Mira, you ok?” Kenjuro asked, starting to notice her discomfort.

She just nodded waiting for the nausea to subside, “Yeah, stomach is just a little upset.”

Naturally Aika didn't seem to miss a thing.

“Oh my god you're pregnant aren't you?”

Mira immediately tensed up, hoping to completely avoid this topic, “What are you talking about?”

“You aren’t drinking which is pretty out of the ordinary for you, you’re randomly sick and I’ve noticed the weight gain.” Aika quickly insinuated.

Mira didn't answer, deciding instead just to get up and get ready to leave. Midorima grabbed her hand to stop her, it seems like he has other plans.

“They were going to eventually find out Mira.” He said, looking up at her.

“Is that a confirmation?” Her father looked back and forth between them waiting for an answer.

Mira sighs, “Yeah dad, it is. I'm pregnant.” 

Neither of the parents said anything right away. The tension gathering in the air was enough to show that this news was about to be either very well accepted or very poorly.

“We had the perfect life laid out for you. All you had to do was do as you were told and follow it.” Her father started to lecture, “First you turn down one of the best universities in Japan, and then rather than going to any university at all for a real career, you start to follow this ridiculous idea at some art school, and now you're 23 and pregnant. You couldn't have at least been decent enough to get married before spreading your legs for the first guy to take interest in you?!” 

For the first time in an argument with them, Mira was speechless. Her father certainly had a tendency to be cruel, but that was low even for him. He continued yelling, Kenjuro and Aika eventually getting involved in the argument. Mira started to tune out the yelling. This whole night has done nothing but stress her out, and stress is not good for her right now. She felt a sharp pain rip through her abdomen and lower back which snapped her back to reality and the current argument at hand.

“I don't understand where I went wrong with the two of you. My son is a faggot and my daughter is a who-”

“That's enough,” Mirodrima said sternly, “I understand you don't agree with Mira’s life choices. But you cannot control her. She is an adult and it's still her decision to make. As for her being pregnant. No it's not ideal timing right now. My parents were rather disappointed as well. 

We’re not married, and I’m only 21 years old and in medical school while starting this family, but we’re doing it. And my parents have never once referred to myself or Mira in such a derogatory manner.”

“Shintarou.” Mira grabbed his hand and squeezed to get his attention. 

He crouched by her side, “What's wrong?”

“Can we go? I'm starting to cramp badly and I'm just ready to go home.” She whined starting to stand up.

“Yeah let's go, but I'm going to call your doctor to make sure that things are ok before we go home.” 

He helped her stand up and started walking with her to the front door. He occasionally glared back behind them to make sure their family got the hint to leave them alone. Kenjro followed behind them to the car. Midorima helped her into the passenger seat taking her keys to drive.

“Feel better sis, call me later so I know things are ok.” 

Kenjuro closed the door and then went around to talk to Midorima who was on the phone. Once he hung up he turned his attention to Kenjuro to talk to him before climbing into the car.

“How are you feeling? Are you still in pain?” 

She shook her head, “No, it stopped for now. I just feel really sick now.”

He nodded and started the car. The ride home was fairly silent as he focused on the road and Mira focused on not throwing up. He pulled up to their apartment and he quickly came around to her side in case she needed help getting inside. 

“Your doctor said that as long as you aren't bleeding and you don't continue to be in pain that you should be ok. Sometimes some cramping isn’t uncommon, especially in stressful situations. But if they start again she wants us to come immediately,” He explained while they were settling in the bedroom, “so if you're in pain like that again I don't care what time it is wake me up and we’ll go ok.” 

Mira nodded changing into one of his shirts to sleep.

“Why do you insist on stealing my clothes all the time, you have your own dresser full of them.” He grumbled and changed as well.

“Oh stop whining,” She teased looking back at him, “I only steal your shirts and it's only for bed. Besides you never wear these.” 

He grumbled under his breath again while he settled in bed. Mira crawled in next to him and curled up into his side. He's finally used to cuddling with her...it only took him forever to do so. He turned on the lamp on his side of the bed signaling that he planned on reading for a bit before bed.

“Don't fall asleep with your glasses on again.” Mira said rolling over to turn off the light.

He scoffed, “that was once.”

She chuckled, situating herself into a comfortable position to drift off. Mira was nearly asleep when Midorima poked her in her back to get her attention.

“Hmm? What's up?” She rolled over and looked at him. 

“What your parents said earlier, it's bothering me.”

She sighed and sat up, “Just ignore it. Don't ever let anything they say bother you. Like you saw they're a bunch of judgmental assholes.”

He shook his head, “Nothing like that. They aren't bothering me. It just has me thinking. Are you really ok with how things are going?”

She cocked an eyebrow at his question, “I told you earlier I was. I mean, so long as you aren't planning on taking off on me anytime soon I'm perfectly fine with how we're doing ok.” 

He nodded, setting his book aside, “we should go to sleep.”

Mira leaned over and kissed Midorima before laying back down, “Goodnight Shin.”

Midorima returned the kiss and put his book away before laying down and wrapping his arm around her, “Goodnight Mira.”

[yaneyanedaze]

My Special Girl Pt: 1

(Yandere!Various x Beta!Chubby!Reader)

Whoo boy, it’s my first time taking a step into the realm of Omegaverse, but i hope you guys like it, I am working on My Android Lover and Our Goddess (Which is the Royal Pillarmen story!) those should be coming soon as well! I’m happy to write for you guys and I hope you all are having a wonderful day!

With that! On with the story!

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F/n is a college student with a little problem, She’s a beta that apparently give off the scent of an Omega. So when she finally goes out one day, her life gets turned upside down as multiple Alpha’s try to claim her as theirs.

Will she tell them the truth? or let them find out on their own?

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“Come on f/n, you never go out with me anymore? Are you alright?” My friend, Crys (Pronounced Chris) asked. I shook my head, sighing heavily, already knowing where this conversation was going. I stood up from the table and headed to leave, not wanting to be apart of this. “Hey wait up! F/n!” She whined, following after me, “Is this because of-“ “Do not. Mention. His. Name.” I practically growled, anger dripping from each word that left my lips. I could see the sadness in her eyes as she looked down at the ground, kicking dirt around. 

“Come on, that was in the past. We’re in college now!” I rolled my eyes and continued walking on, more annoyed than ever now. “Look, I’ll think about it, Now go please..” I said, as I was now standing in front of my apartment. Her look of somberness quickly turned to glee as she practically bounced with joy. “Yay! You won’t regret it f/n!” “I haven’t agreed yet- annnd she’s gone.”

I watched as she happily skipped away, I shake my head, a ghost of a smile appearing on my face. Walking inside, I was greeted to the cold, crisp air, I could feel the goosebumps already on my skin from the nice, relaxing feeling. My name is F/n L/n, I am a plus size girl in her 3rd year in college, majoring in fine arts, I have two sisters who live with my parents still back in (Hometown). My sisters are both Omegas, as well as my mother, and of course my father is an Alpha, but me?

 I got unlucky and ended up being a Beta and because of this they basically shunned me, even though I was the baby of the family. They didn’t want anyone to know that I was apart of their family. Then again, she didn’t like me anyways because i was a bit on the plump side, I had a chest, curves and a butt, so i guess i had everything that she wanted. She used to call me names, pick on me because of my weight and even my sisters joined in on it, while my dad just sat and watched. So I eventually ended up moving away to go and live with my Grandmother. She was a beta as well, so I don’t understand why my Mom hated me so much when her mother was the very thing I am. My Grandma loved me and cared about me, she bought me anything i’d like, make sure i was  happy and never judged me . Soon she knew I was going to be heading off soon so she helped me get my own little apartment and car for school. I still visit her when ever i can.

My friend Crys was also an Omega, I don’t even know why she bothered because she was kind of considered the top tier of the school. But she’s been by my side since elementary school (minus..that incident.) and has been a huge sweetheart. 

But again, it sucked.

Crys wanted me to go to a party on campus, but I usually don’t do well at parties, cause you know anxiety is a thing, and why go be social when you have Netflix. I groaned loudly “Why musty I have such a soft spot for that girl!!” I yelled out as I dragged myself to my room to get ready when I get a call from my best friend, Reimi. She was a sweet girl with bubblegum pink hair and big redish/pink eyes, She’s another friend that I’ve known for years, and I’m a lot closer to her than I am with Crys.

“N/n! I heard you were going to the party! Someone must’ve black mailed you into going” She jokingly, I rolled my eyes and chuckled slightly as I roamed through my closet looking for something to put on. “Oh shush! Crys persuaded me to go with her puppy dog eyes.” I explained getting a soft ‘Oh’ from her. “Well I was just calling to see, I’m not going do to exams, I gotta crunch that study time” “I understand, I just wish I would stay home but I’ve already got an outfit out and Crys is expecting me.” I say pulling out a cute pink dress. It was a bodycon dress with slits on the sides and a sweetheart neckline, i smiled and shrugged, tossing over on the bed so I could wear it. It was a gift from my grandmother one year for my birthday. “Well, let me go so you can finish getting dressed! See Ya!” “See ya Reim” She hung up the phone and i headed over to the bathroom to freshen up and finish up.

I sighed and looked at myself in the mirror as I walked past, Even after all these years, I was still having a problem with loving myself. I guess my mom really did affect me more than i thought she was going to, I shook my head and slapped my cheeks.”Come on You’re gonna have fun tonight!” I say hyping myself up before i go in the bathroom to get ready.

                                                     (TimeSkip)

It was around 8:00pm when Crys and I pull up at the party, It was being hosted by one of the most popular boys of the school, Joseph Joestar, and of course, he was an Alpha. It’s probably the only reason Cyrs wanted to go to be honest. Speaking of the red head, she was wearing a pretty blue tube top with matching skirt, silver hoop earrings and a glittery choker. She wore heels to the party, but i know she had a change of shoes in her bag for when she get tired.

We both got out and she let out an excited squeal, “Yes! Look at us! two friends going out together, come on we’re gonna have fun just like the good old days!” She exclaimed, grabbing my hand and pulling me inside. Once we reached inside an overwhelming scent hit me straight in the face, I nearly dropped, but Crys caught me and giggled only making me nudge her as we walked in. We smiled and waved as we saw some of our classmates and some new people as well. But soon we separated as I had gotten tired of walking around already, and I usually didn’t do well in social environments. 

I wandered around the large house until i came across a room that looked to be another sitting area, so I found the corner and sat down near it. I apparently didn’t hear the footsteps coming up beside me either.

“Surprised to see you here, F/n, Didn’t think you’d come to parties.” 

I jumped slightly in my spot, turned and nearly fainted.

Jotaro Kujo was leaning against the wall behind me. He was one of my classmates, and he really didn’t come to class much, but when he did, you knew. Because majority of the girls would be swooning over him while the poor guy just wanted to rest and do his work. “Ah, I came with a friend, I got a bit tired, So I just came here to rest a bit,” He hummed in agreement as he leaned there. “Joseph made me come, said i needed to get out more, I would’ve been fine with chilling at home reading my marine biology books.” he said letting out a soft chuckle, followed by a ghost of a smile.

I felt like i was living some girls dream, To be sitting here chatting casually here with Jotaro would make them just melt. But to me he was just a normal guy, someone who loved marine biology and all things about the ocean. He was a gentle giant, at least towards me. “Let’s go outside, Its getting too stuffy in here.” He said, grabbing my hand, leading me outside, we pushed past people, saying my excuse me’s when we bumped into people.

Once we reached outside, I looked up at the sky seeing stars in the sky, all of them twinkling brightly, all of them just as beautiful as the next. Jotaro was also looking up at the sky as well, but he looked like he was contemplating something, like he wanted to say something, but he couldn’t.

“Jotaro? Are you Okay?”

                                                   (Jotaro’s Pov)

I breathed out slowly, gripping my fist as I let out a soft growl. ‘Why can’t i just get this over with.’ I thought to myself, She was standing right beside me. This cute girl, who didn’t find me scary, who didn’t just fawn over me like I was an object. Did she even know what I was? Other would be practically drooling over me, I’ve even had some males fawn over me. I glanced over at her and saw her face in awe looking at the sky. The way the moonlight glossed over her perfectly chubby cheeks, the way that dress hugged her curves and fitted her body in all the right places. If I wasn’t able to control myself I would’ve taken her right here and now, not caring that anyone else would see. They would know she is mine, and no one would dare look at her or try to claim her.

I was so lost in my thoughts I didn’t even hear her call my name out.

“Jotaro? Are you Okay?” I snapped out of my thoughts and turned to face her fully, she was about 5′1, so compared to me she was so small, She would fit so perfectly in my arms. I mentally slapped myself and let out a sigh before speaking. “Are you dating anybody?” I asked, and it came out blunt, but i didn’t mean it to, panic started to surge up in me as I didn’t want to come off as rude to her. But she seemed to ignore the tone of my voice and answered anyways with a smile. “Uh..no, I’m not really the dating person, i’ve ever only crushed on one person.” She admitted, a small blush on her face. ‘Thats cute.’ I thought as I watched her. She would be the perfect wife, I could see her swollen and round with my children, welcoming me home from a long day at work. I was happy with the response she said so I couldn’t help but give a slight smirk and a chuckle which seemed to surprise her as I saw another plus appear on her cheeks.

That’s when it hit me, She had a sweet scent to her, one that reminded me of roses and sugar, it gave off such an innocent vibe, not compared to some of these other girls around this place. She did say she’s only liked one person, so maybe that’s why, but I couldn’t wrap my head around it,it was teasing me, she looked to cute and innocent. I shook my head and let out a low growl hoping she didn’t hear, and luckily Joseph came outside just in time to save me from myself.

“There you are! I thought you had left, didn’t know you were out here chatting up this cutie here~!”

 He said teasingly. F/n didn’t pay him no mind and neither did I. “Shut up, are you done hoeing around?” I asked, now standing in front of F/n. He smirked and laughed at my comment before throwing an arm around my shoulder. “I wouldn’t call it that, I was just looking for a girl~, but to answer your questions, no, I didn’t see anyone I like..that is..” He stepped around me and grabbed F/n’s hand.

                                                     (Pov Switch)

I jumped slightly when Joseph suddenly grabbed my hand. “You’re such a beautiful sight Baby doll~ How come i have never seen you around?~” He asked and I was about to answer until Jotaro practically growled at him. “Okay Okay jeez, i’ll back off for now~” He said, getting the hint. he scribbled something on a piece of paper and handed it to me before heading back into the house. He was gone as quickly as he came, i looked down at the paper in my hand and saw it was his phone number with hearts beside it. I rolled my eyes and giggled slightly.

“Don’t pay attention to him, thats how he always acts around girls he doesn’t know” Jotaro says before pulling down his hat and handing me his own piece of paper. I looked at it and saw it had his number on it but a date on it as well. “That day, after class, be ready we’re going out.” he said bluntly and walked back inside. I was in shock, so i didn’t immediately follow him. I had gotten two numbers in one night, both of them guys that all the girls loved. Needless to say, I didn’t know whether to be scared or excited, but i felt something.

 I just didn’t know what.

I eventually walked around to the front to find Crys waiting on me. She smiled at me and started talking as we walked to the car. “Soo~ Did you have fun~?” She asked getting over into the drivers side. I nodded slightly, a smile growing on my lips, “yea..I did..” I said as I looked out the window, thinking about Jotaro, and excited for the next few days.

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I hope you guys liked this, as i stated above this is my first time really writing something like this and i also hope that i didn’t write Jotaro and Joseph too OOC, if i did let me know and i’ll try to fix it!

[fr0gheart]

filming

authors notes: i kind of set this headcanon up a different way so i hope you enjoy it. it’ll be based on different aspects of like getting to know him and like being cast and stuff. this gif has nothing to do with the hc! lol sorry and as always enjoy

anonymous said:  may you pLEASE do headcanons for like, reader being a new character on ST3 and i guess somewhere during filming, reader and finn start dating.

directory

𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠

so you would probs audition for a new character on season 4

i’m think will and el meet her at school 

and she has no parents and she hops from shelter to shelter

pretty much looking for a place to stay

since her parents died in a mysterious fire

which turns out to be that the hawkins lab killed them

because they threatened to go public with what they were 

doing with the human trials

ANYWAY lets get to casting

so you would find out about the role on instagram

and you were relatively a new actor

like you weren't big in the acting industry

so you thought why not

there’d be multiple interviews 

like one in l.a. and one in vancouver

but you would land the role

the duffers would describe you as 

‘ the perfect one for the role and that your a groundbreaking actress and you need to get more recognition for your talent’ 

and obviously it would make you so fucking happy

so yeah filming starts really soon

𝐬𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥 𝐦𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐚

so at first the duffers would not want you to tell anyone

but they made the exception for your family

but no friends

they were literally about telling NO  friends

so netflix would post the new casting on their twitter and instagram

people would be excited for the role 

but they wouldn’t really know who you were

so when your castamates found out

they would send hellos

and looking forward to working with you texts 

so you really felt welcomed in the cast

millie would make it her personal mission

to be your new best friend

and while you would appreciate it 

it would be really intimidating

but you texted her a lot 

and she kinda told you about life on set

and she would talk about people 

especially the younger group

so you would be really excited to meet her

𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠

so you would have a flight to georgia

and it would be really long and you’d

be kind of nervous

not really nervous like fucking crazy nervous

and you wouldn’t really know what to do

because auditioning wasn’t as bad as this

so you would get to set 

and like immediately go to your trailer to 

calm yourself down and prepare

so you would got to the first script reading

and the duffers would be like

‘ please welcome y/n to the family’

and everyone would like get up and clap for you 

and go to hug you

joe’s hug was so warm

and you could tell that finn felt awkward

in the hug so you would end it really fast

because you didn't want anyone to be uncomfortable

but you would read the script and ultimately 

you would fucking love it and you would be so excited for shooting

𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩

so you guys would not be friends for a while

you were still so overwhelmed meeting everyone 

so you wouldn’t talk to them in the first week of shooting

but when millie invited you to get ice cream with the cast

you went because you wanted to create some strong friendships

and mostly you would just cling to caleb’s side

cause you knew him from social media

and he had reached out to you multiple times

so you guys were friends already

anyway you would get like rocky road or vanilla

or whatever no biggie

and suddenly

you would like drop your ice cream

and you would just be so sad

and finn would see

and just volunteer to buy you another one

and you’d get really like shy

and he would tell you it was no biggie

because friends do that for each other

and you would be like

‘really?’

‘ yeah of course we’re friends ‘

𝐟𝐥𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠

so after finn bought your ice cream

you both got closer like instantly

you would talk to him about everything

and while you were friends

he would always make flirty jokes with you

like

‘ y/n even if there wasn’t gravity on earth, i would still fall for you’

and you would be like blushing

and flirting came even more

you would hang out after scenes

and before

he would invite you to calpurnia concerts

but it wasn’t a date unless you were comfortable

he would give you his sweater or sweatshirt or 

really whatever you want to wear from his closet

he would want you to just watch him from the side

because fans could be pretty vicious

so you would watch from the side 

and he would look so good

and after the show he would hug you 

and malcolm, jack and ayla would be like 

awwww so kyute uwu

𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬

so you and finn had been flirting the entire time filming

but there was two months left 

until all of you went your separate ways

and finn would just want to make it official

because you guys had gotten way closer after the concert

so you and finn would be acting in the same scene

and he had let the duffers know what he was doing

so you would just be saying your characters lines

and she was like acting mean

and finn would just say

‘will you go out with me’

and you’d be shocked and you’d look at the duffers

because that wasn’t his line

and the duffers would be like

‘ well? what do you say?’

and you would be like beaming 

and of course you said yes 

you would just run and hug him 

and the entire cast and crew would applause and it would be so magical

like the perfect day

so your relationship would be just like your friendship 

but with added cuddling and occasional kisses

you would be really close

okay nobody asked but i’m gonna talk about the first kiss between you guys

so you would be in his hotel room

 because he asked you to tour with him and calpurnia

and it was crazy that your parents agreed

but here you were in finns room 

watching him play with his guitar 

as you just sit there playing bitlife

on your phone

he walks up to you

and he strums along to the chords of my girl by the temptations

and he sings it to you 

and you were fucking beaming

like you were smiling so hard

but you got up and grabbed behind his head

he put his arms on your waist

and you guys kissed and it was really nice and finn was like

‘ we should do that way more often’

𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬

okay press tours so fun 

so so so fun

( also y/s/n means your ship name ok thanks )

so you would be paired with finn and noah

you mostly went on netflix and buzzfeed

and it was a lot of globetrotting

from place to place

but in particular interview with entertainment one

the interviewer was really rude

and she kept questioning noah

and asking stuff about feeling left out 

from season one

and it would be so irritating

like so so very irritating

then the interviewer would ask 

if you and finn were dating

and you would say no

and you would keep pushing

until eventually you put her in her place

‘ this interview has been so very rude, you’ve made all of us uncomfortable and we’re here to talk about the show not about our personal lives. put this in all of it, i’m sick of interviewers like you i’m done’

you walked off the set and finn and noah would stay behind like shocked

and noah would just break the silence

stream stranger things 4 on december 5

and him and finn would go to your dressing room

‘ y/n that was so badass’ noah said

and you guys just talked about the interviewer and laughed because it was 

crazy that you had made a family with the cast

[misfitjohnnys]

unintentional; and if you listen to me

You’ve worked hard for everything you’ve gotten and Mark Lee is a soft twist in your busy life, but you know hiding part of yourself eventually always bites anyone in the ass.

Word count: 22k - part 1/5

Reader x Mark Lee

(M)

masterlist // warnings

You normally weren’t so brave when it came to speaking to strangers outside of work, and you’d spent way too much time picking out tweezers, but glancing down in line at Walgreens, you quickly saw a view of a gorgeous pair of loafers in front of you, some you’d envied online multiple times and they piqued your interest. “I really like your shoes.” You spoke faster than you could stop yourself.

The black haired boy in front of you in line turned around slightly, glancing quickly back at you, cheekbones prominent from your side view and it almost hurt your heart, you wished you could see his smile, it looked bright and you liked making people happy. You’d always heard people say you fall a little in love with at least one stranger every day and in the moment it almost felt true.

“Oh yeah thanks, they’re, uh, Gucci.” He glanced at his shoes, tapping the heels of his feet together. His voice was angelic and sweet; you were almost confused by the familiarity of it. His voice sounded like home, soothing your aching chest.

You kind of envied the fur loafers right now, standing in your own unbroken-in shoes had gotten a bit exhausting even if just for under an hour. He glanced back again, and you could see him graze over your own shoes. The side view of his face was overwhelming. You swallowed thickly, biting your lip and your grip on the tweezers in your hand got just a bit tighter. “I got them in LA, figured I’d wear them since it’s kinda cold here.” He seemed nervous when you should be the one shaking, and you kind of were. You were currently living in Los Angeles with warmth every day, so the mention was slightly amusing to you.

The blonde next to him was looking behind the counter and you could hear him snort at the brunette’s words. The clerk at the counter fumbled with the cartons of cigarettes, shakily bringing them to the register. You were tired, you had to admit; your unsteady hands combed through your hair and adjusted your hat. The brunette standing in front of you seemed like a far stretch from being your idol, feeling like maybe you were just going nuts, equating it to it being late in the evening in a Walgreens in a town you weren’t quite familiar with anymore when it was just past 9pm in your own time-zone. You brushed it off, thinking maybe you were just visualizing something completely unrealistic.

It took a lot of effort and slightly too much time to speak again, but you couldn’t just ignore his comment, forcing yourself to have at least another word to confirm your suspicion of who exactly was standing in line in front of you because it was nagging at your soul. It felt like a dream. “Must’ve spent a fortune on those yeah?” You chuckled, biting your lip again, sweaty fingers tracing over the items in your hand again.

“Spent his money from his first album on them and drained half of his account at the time.” The blonde joked in a thick foreign accent. You couldn’t help but snort, seizing a gasp when your eyes felt like they were playing tricks on you. There was no way.  The blonde looked back at you to raise an eyebrow and further tease his friend. You were just going crazy. “Wait, no, the gold ones please.” You heard him tell the cashier. At least he had decent taste to be getting American Spirits. You swallowed quickly, word vomiting and letting the conversation fall from your mouth in an effort that your friends would find embarrassing. 

“You make music?” You asked, grinning with embarrassment to try and remain seeming oblivious, making light conversation while the other checked out. The brunette seemed so shy, you could see him smile even wider from the side, his broad shoulders painting pictures in your brain and making your chest ache even further with your heartbeat in your throat. You weren’t just seeing things.

“I mean, yeah kinda. We’re in uh, a group, we’re pretty good I suppose.” The blonde snorted to himself at the brunettes attempt at conversation, crumpling his receipt into his pocket and tucking the carton under his arm with a lighter in hand. “We’re playing a show in town, you, uh, you should come.” Your brain short-circuited for a second, nodding. You bit your lip and plucked a soda from the machine next to the two of you. You were shaky and couldn’t believe you were standing in line with two people you knew well of, but only behind the screen of your phone or computer. “There’s, uh, some tickets left I’m sure still if you’re looking for a, um, good time!” He was speaking as if they were playing some little underground show, which made you internally laugh because SuperM was anything but small. You smiled again, trying to steady your breaths and calm your heart rate. “If you want to at least.” He really seemed nervous and it made you feel just a tad better.

“I’ll try my best.” You lied through your teeth, knowing damn well you already had VIP tickets, multiple lightsticks, and an outfit planned for the show. You rolled your soda around in your hands, glancing at the ground and you could feel his eyes on you, avoiding all looks out of fear of embarrassing yourself.

“Is that kind any good? We don’t really, uh, have those back home, yeah.” You caught his eyes for just a second, gulping and actually realizing you definitely weren’t just delusional, and this was the first time you had a good look at his face. This isn’t happening, you thought. Mark Lee just looked in your eyes and seemed completely ready to continue your conversation. You glanced back down at your soda, fumbling with your words for just a second, the orange vanilla Coca Cola suddenly felt very heavy in your hands.

“Yeah, I mean I-I like them. My friends don’t.” You said quietly, shrugging and focusing back down at his shoes but you didn’t miss the smile pull at the edge of his lips when he leaned over to grab one for himself. “The Coke Zero one is a bit better, but I like living on the edge.” You couldn’t believe those words had fallen out of your mouth, but it brought an embarrassed grin to your face.

“Oh, okay! I love Coke Zero anyway so- “

The blonde stepped in, playful grin across his face. Yeah, definitely him. “I’m Taemin, this is Mark. He’s really dumb and shy around people so please don’t mind his words.” Taemin spoke up and faced you, giggling and nudging his friend as he walked up to you as well, ignoring the fact that you were both in line to check out and he was taking up yours and the cashier’s time, but you weren’t at all upset about it. You hoped she wouldn’t be either.

“Anyway!” Mark laughed shyly, shaking his head. Your throat felt tight, another smile forcing itself onto your mouth. Were you getting flirted with? There was no way.

You saw Mark embarrassingly walk to check out. A blush was evident on his face as he set down an orange vanilla Coke Zero on the counter. Your heart was racing a little less now.

“He’s so embarrassed.” Taemin laughed, crossing his arms and shaking his head.

You nodded, shaking your own head. “He shouldn’t be, my friends embarrass me like that too.” This was a miracle, you thought. By chance that you’d end up in this Walgreens right then with them. It didn’t feel real, glancing at the time on your phone.

“Taemin-hyung, you- are you ready?” His speech was soft, pink still bright on his cheeks.

Mark finished checking out and pushed his receipt into his pocket, avoiding your gaze. Taemin grinned, a soft wink at you as he glanced over at Mark. “He loves me.” He chuckled and waved at you, starting to head to the door. You were amazed at their willingness to talk to anyone in line anywhere, especially to you. You wondered where their managers were, but that was the least of your concerns and maybe a stroke of luck for you.

In order not to seem like an entire idiot, you tried to act normal. “Nice to meet you.” You nodded, confidence finally seeping into your words as you tried to introduce yourself, blurting your name out, earning a quick warm wave in return. You glanced back at Taemin, who was currently packing his carton of cigarettes. “By the way the yellow pack is better.” You smiled briefly, seeing his grin shine back in the bright lights of Walgreens.

“I’ll remember that! Have a good night!” Taemin spoke smoothly, his Nike slides slapping against his feet as he made his way out of the door, Mark smiling sweetly at you before following suit. You couldn’t focus much, setting your items on the counter and watching them through the window as they made their way to a black car in the parking lot only to see them both get into the back seat, Taemin following after Mark.

“American Spirits. Yellow please.” You told the cashier, feeling like any second you could throw up, but you held it together as best as you could.

“That was literally Lee Taemin and Mark Lee wasn’t it? I feel like I’m going crazy.” The cashier asked, completely shocked and quickly trying check you out without seeming like she was going to be sick; you could tell. You nodded, shakily grabbing your items and giving her exact change.

“Yes, it fucking was.” You said shortly, opting out of grabbing your receipt.

It felt like you had no control of your own feet, racing out into the parking lot and thankful to see the car still in its spot, bold laughter muffled by the tinted windows. You had to act fast, swallowing and knocking quickly on the back window of the door you saw them slide into. The window rolled down quickly and you didn’t miss the huge grins on not two, but three shining faces in the backseat. You recognized quickly that Lucas was there too, giggling loudly.

You took a breath, trying to gather your words. “Hey so I’m- Me and my friends- We-we’re having a party at the hotel across the street, you guys should come.” You smiled dumbly, watching Taemin light up a cigarette and some angry sounding words you didn’t quite understand came from the guys in the front seat that you couldn’t quite see. “I don’t really know like, anyone there.”

Taemin glanced around the car, smiling and shrugging to himself as he took a drag, blowing it toward you. The smell was surprisingly comforting. He smirked and spoke for everyone. “We’ll be there.”

“Uh, yeah, okay, suite 215.” You rushed to get out before your voice failed you. You couldn’t believe you’d just done that, asked Lee Taemin, Mark Lee, and possibly Lucas Wong even to your hotel party? Your brain cursed you, but maybe it would be good.

“215?” You heard Mark ask out, smiling and typing something into his phone. “Hotel across the street? The one with the big green sign?”

You nodded, seeing him glance back with a shy smile. “Okay.” he said softly.

“Okay! Uh, I’ll see you there!” You blushed heavily under your makeup, thankful that it wasn’t visible. Taemin nodded again, taking a drag from his cigarette and rolling the window halfway up as the driver started to take off. You heard the people in the front seat grumble angrily and you heard Taemin’s laughter in response.

“See you!” Taemin shouted with a giggle, smirking between you and Mark, a gesture you’d try not to think too hard about, but in the moment,  it made you gulp just a little.

Your heart was racing and you breathed heavily, walking over to your rental car to try and come down from the wave of emotions flowing through you. “What the fuck did I just do?” You asked yourself, slipping into the drivers’ seat. It genuinely felt like you couldn’t breathe, but you had to remind yourself that they were just people, they were just as normal as you were when they were off the stage. It was fine.

And they were quite possibly coming to your party to see you, but part of you still thought that maybe they were just humoring you. At the same time, you knew about them and their antics, always ready to do something wild in America, it was their party/fun/drinking/go nuts country and it would make your whole entire life if you to possibly be a part of that. At least even if they did blow you off, you got the courage to ask them anyway, to talk to them, and they knew you existed, so that was fun knowledge to live with, at the base of it all. You would try to find a way not to be too crushed if they didn’t show.

You shook the whole way back to the hotel, unable to wipe the smile off of your face as you lit up your own cigarette. The adrenaline from the conversation had you beaming, excitement drilled deep beneath your bones and rattling your core in the best way.

You pulled into the hotel parking lot and practically ran up the stairs, shaking more as you opened the door, grinning too widely to even be considered normal. You got multiple stares from people you didn’t know, scanning across the crowd to find your friends but giving up when you couldn’t quite place them and deciding to dart into the bathroom to fix your makeup again, making sure that if they did actually show up, you actually looked okay. You quickly plucked your eyebrows like you set out to do in the first place when you left, fixing the eyebrow gel back into place with an angled brush. You wished you could stop smiling enough to properly look at yourself.

You hadn’t gotten ready for anyone like that in years, it felt like getting ready for a first date when you heard a knock at the bathroom door, heart pounding. “I’m in here!” You hollered, seeing Yeri slip into the door anyway and grinning at you briefly, stress slightly present on her features.

“You were out a while, everything okay?” She asked, seemingly extremely concerned when she saw how brightly your face was lit up. “Well I was worried, but you seem fine now.” Yeri laughed, shaking her head. “What happened at the store?” She questioned, raising a brow.

You bit your lip, almost scared to tell her as you tried to bite back your smile. “I just saw Taemin and Mark at Walgreens.” You sighed, running your fingers through your hair. Her eyebrows knitted together, completely in disbelief. She widened her eyes as she tried to take in what you said with silence. You shook your head in an excited nod, laughing to yourself as you finished getting ready and tucked your things back into your makeup bag. You walked out of the bathroom and made your way over to the beds. You tossed your wallet and keys into your suitcase and tucked the suitcase under the bed to make more room. You were so excited you couldn’t sit still.

“You’re actually joking right?” Yeri asked, shaking her head in disbelief.

“Nope.” you responded shortly, trying not to seem too pumped, but you couldn’t help it. You took a deep breath, touching up your lips. “They’re really nice.” You told her, biting the inside of your cheek and sighing to yourself. You could tell she was in shock. You took her hand and pulled her out into the sitting area again with you, heading straight to the drink table.

“You’re unbelievable.” Yeri scoffed in disbelief, smiling and having to yell over the music. “What happened?”

“Listen, I wouldn’t believe myself either.” You laughed, pouring two shots for the both of you to take, glancing over at the door and hoping you’d maybe see them slip in, but you wouldn’t get your hopes up too high just yet. You took a deep breath and held a finger up for her to hold on just a second, easily shooting back the glass, pouring yourself another for good luck. “I was in there getting tweezers and I told Mark I liked his shoes. I didn’t even know it was him!” You started, taking another breath and having to nearly pinch yourself to make sure that this was real. “Then Taemin stood and talked to me and embarrassed Mark.” Yeri kept shaking her head, still unable to wrap her head around the fact that you just so happened to run into them. Typical for you, really. You always got lucky.

“You’re the luckiest person in the world, you know that, right?” You laughed, shaking your head in agreement; maybe it was the break you needed, sighing happily. “Did you invite them to the fucking party at least?” You shrugged playfully as you quickly slipped away, trying to find Seulgi but only seeing her getting a little too close for comfort with a boy you’d never seen before.

To recuperate, you stepped out on the balcony, taking in the view of the city, shaking your head to yourself and feeling as if you were in a distant dream, biting your lip in disbelief. You wanted a cigarette so badly, but you decided against it. After you stood out there for what felt like hours but was only a few minutes, you walked back inside, joining the kitchen for a drinking game and looking around the room to see if anyone else had shown up, too excited to even find and talk to Seulgi about what happened, it felt like a proper conversation for later.

You had distracted yourself easily with the other party goers and their party games for a while, joining a game of two truths and a lie, song of karaoke, and a few other games you hadn’t heard of before, but you caught on relatively quickly to things in general, so the games were easy to get used to. It was only during an intense karaoke duo with Seulgi that you saw the door crack open, gulping when you looked over to see who had slipped in. Blonde hair was bright from where you were standing, followed by the other two you saw earlier, but they were now followed by Ten, who had the most blinding set of smiling teeth you’d seen in your entire life. They were brighter in person, you were amazed.

“Oh my god, they came.” You handed your mic off, walking over to greet them all. “Taemin!” you shouted, grinning widely. Taemin shot a smile right back at you, embracing you in a gentle hug, even if you’d just met. It was sweet.

“We brought someone else, I hope you didn’t mind.” You shook your head, not at all did you mind, even a little bit. Taemin easily spoke with you, grinning a gummy smile as he introduced his friends. “This is my boyfriend, Chittaphon, he wanted to party.” The short brunette rolled his eyes, smiling back at you with a handshake as well. Boyfriend? You were quite shocked, but tried not to focus on it too hard, they didn’t at all know that you knew who they were and had no idea that you’d be surprised, so clearly they felt comfortable enough with the mystery that you wouldn’t react strangely and you intended to keep it that way, figuring what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. You’d probably never see them that close again. Were they always this trusting of strangers? Ten’s voice pulled you out of your own head.

“Call me Ten, like the number, it’s fine.” he grinned again, stepping further into the hotel room. “It’s nice to meet you! We haven’t been to a party in a while.”

Blue hair surprised you when a towering body stepped closer, handing you a bottle of wine with the cheesiest, biggest grin you’d ever seen. You were used to seeing his normal blonde and brunette shades online, but the color was a nice and surprising change. “I’m Yukhei!” He spoke loudly, but you didn’t expect any less. “But you can call me Lucas.” You had to snort, you knew exactly who they were, but their introductions still had you melting just a little and your legs shaking.

“Can I call you Yukhei?” you asked, teeth flashing and getting a quick nod and a “Yeah, of course!” before he walked off to join karaoke. You weren’t even a little bit surprised at his excitement. You’d definitely still call him Lucas, but the permission was nice.

You gasped quietly when you saw Mark get shoved over to you as you looked over at Lucas joining your friends’ friends, widening your eyes in mild shock as he tripped and nearly ran into you, trying to laugh it off when he stood back up properly. “Uh! Oh my god, oh my god I’m sorry!” He apologized, giving Taemin a stare down. It was clear that one of his friends had shoved him and you concluded it was Taemin. “Hi again! Uh! Mark!” he said loudly, bright pink cheeks shining through again. “You knew that though.” He scratched the back of his head, his nervousness making you giggle. “Yeah, I’m, uh, Mark.” He repeated, grinning brightly. It was adorable how he was acting; he’d introduced himself twice now and been introduced by Taemin once. You had a feeling something was up.

“I did.” You beamed, reintroducing yourself to the three of them. They all nodded, saying hello once more. You cleared your throat, heart beating hard again. You decided to break the silence and properly invite them to join the party. “So! The drinks are in the kitchen, we’ve got some games going on, obviously karaoke!” You could hear Lucas’s voice booming through the room at some Justin Bieber song, causing all four of you to laugh. “Make yourselves at home!” they all nodded as if completely in sync, but you were used to that, they were the kings of synchronization from what you’d seen.

“He’s such an idiot.” Ten laughed as he nudged Taemin, shaking his head at Lucas having the time of his life. “Drinks are in the kitchen, babe, come on.” Taemin’s blush was heavy on his cheeks too as he followed the smaller boy into the kitchen of the suite. They didn’t seem to be too shocked at the fanciness of the room you were staying in, so that was a mild relief and much different than how your friends reacted. You sighed to yourself, Mark still standing by your side and you shared a look, smiling over at him.

You could tell Mark was shying away and it worried you, so you looked away, trying to be friendly but not creepy. His friends had left him and of course you didn’t want him to be alone. You gently grabbed his arm, scanning the area for Yeri, easily spotting her amongst the crowd. “Come with me” You giggled, pulling him over to the corner of the room where a few drinking games were going on at the table, so you pulled up a chair for him and yourself, sitting next to your friend and smiling widely at her. She widened her eyes; looking over at Mark and seeing him shyly grab some cards. “I’ll grab us some drinks. What do you like?” You asked, seeing him think to himself for a moment, surprise in his eyes.

“Uh, beer is fine. Got anything good?” He asked, nervous smile playing on his face as he looked through his hand of cards.

“Absolutely.” You stood back up and walked over to the kitchen where you saw Ten and Taemin lightly conversing with other people you didn’t recognize. You nudged Taemin’s side to get his attention. Yeri and Seulgi had filled up the cooler while you were getting ready, you truly had no idea what was there but you were sure you could find something worthy. “What does Mark like?” You asked, grabbing yourself a fancy looking beer from the fridge and easily popped the top.

“We think he likes you, but if you’re talking about alcohol,” Ten answered for him, flashing a mischievous grin. “Just get him anything.” He responded, taking a sip from his own red cup. You were trying to find a way to respond before he threw out an “actually,” as he walked over to the fridge to grab a bottle specifically for Mark. “Oh, yes this is perfect.” You processed what he said, blushing heavily at his comment. You shook your head and played it off as another mild joke, assuming they were just kidding because, from what you assumed about yourself and your luck with relationships, Mark should have no interest in you. It seemed a little far-fetched in your experience. “By the way, you’re not, like, dating anyone are you?” Ten asked with a raised brow, Taemin offering the same interest in knowing.

The question hit you like a ton of bricks. “Uh, n-no, not at the moment?” You didn’t understand their interest, but you weren’t going to question it at risk of embarrassment. You knew the pair separately were capable of being intense and you had no clue if them together would be worse, so you definitely didn’t want to ask.

“Nice.” Taemin nodded, a slight shrug making Ten giggle again.

Their comment made you nervous to go back over to the table and confusion hit you. Maybe they weren’t just joking. Maybe you did have a chance and there was a reason he was there that night with you and his friends. You weren’t sure what it was, but you trusted their judgment better than your own and took a deep breath as Ten handed you the opened bottle. “Give him this for me, tell him I picked it out special.” He winked cutely, giggling and returning back to Taemin’s side. It was only still slightly shocking that they were together, but you had no room to judge. You didn’t know anything about the idols’ personal lives, so you just kept your own mouth shut and attempted to enjoy yourself. “Good luck.” Ten smirked and you realized just how silent you had become. That wasn’t exactly normal for you.

“Thank you.” You laughed shyly, glancing over at Taemin who was all smiles, entertaining himself with the other party guests around. It was nice to see them in a normal setting like that. It felt empowering to put them in a position to have fun and you were thankful there wasn’t an issue of them being the centers of attention. It seemed to be going well so far. “I-I’ll see you guys later.” They both nodded at you, waving you off to go back to the table.

“Go get your boy.” Ten teased, giggling to himself as you made your way with hot cheeks back to Mark, who already had two empty shot glasses in front of him.

You tried to shake the commentary from your head and seem normal. You took a breath and sat down. Maybe you needed a shot for yourself. “Someone got started already, I see.” You laughed, shaking your head. “Are you even old enough to drink?” You raised a brow, seeing him shy down again. You could use your knowledge to your advantage at that point, making a bold move to call him out. You were sure it wouldn’t be suspicious to mention it.

“Uh, well, not in America because, um, you guys hate fun.” He joked with a shrug, making you snort. You knew America had one of the strictest policies on drinking and the drinking age was outrageously old compared to other places around the world. He wasn’t exactly wrong. “I’m allowed at home.” He offered up, smiling softly as his embarrassment returned.

“How old are you?” You asked, biting your lip. It was a question you easily already knew the answer to.

“I’m, uh, I’m twenty. Twenty, yeah.” He nodded, looking over at you with a mildly worried look, but when you nodded back, he seemed to relax.

“Yeah, definitely not old enough to drink yet.” You teased, earning a small joking groan in response. “But I am, so it’s fine.” You laughed, not quite wanting to reveal your age yet, but he didn’t ask so you didn’t tell. You were only a few years older than the boy in question, but it didn’t seem like a problem. He didn’t pry any further, happily accepting the bottle. “I won’t say anything. I’m kind of breaking laws even giving it to minors, but sometimes we’ve got to bend rules.” You bit your lip, not knowing where your sudden burst of playfulness came from. You got a soft smile in response, seeing him take a small drink and you followed behind him with a sip of your own. “Good?” You asked, only feeling a slight concern when he didn’t say anything about it.

He gathered his words. “Yeah actually, it’s my favorite beer.” He beamed, glancing back down at his bottle and fiddling with the label. “How’d you know?” He raised a brow for just a second, playing his turn in the game once he turned his attention back to it. You were too fixated on him versus the game to even realize what you were playing, so you decided to opt out for the round. “We don’t have this kind back at home.”

“Your friend Ten got it for you, he said tell you he picked it out special.” You earned a snort in response.

“He’s so dumb.” Mark said quietly, finishing his turn and turning his attention back to you. “So, are you from here?” He asked, looking around. “I’m assuming not since you’re, like, renting a hotel and all.” He laughed; you could tell he was still nervous, maybe worried about going too far. You sighed, biting your lip in thought.

“I actually am from here,” You emphasized. “But I live in LA as of right now.” You told him, shrugging. “I fly everywhere for business, but I-” You stopped yourself, knowing it wasn’t exactly the best time to expose yourself as to the reason you were there. You’d get into that another time. “I- I came to visit my friends. Came to see the town, yeah.” The lie came out easier than you’d expected.

“Ah, business?” He asked for a little insight, taking another sip from his beer and turning himself to you with open ears. You felt the need to go on.

“So,” You started with a grin, getting Mark’s full attention. “I own a small restaurant franchise,” You went on to say. “I’ve opened a few stores across California, but I took a little break to come and visit, get a little vacation, you know?” You lied effortlessly, almost too easily and seeing Yeri give you a weird look, listening in on your conversation. You assumed she’d been listening longer than you’d noticed and made no commentary on the fact that there were four idols standing in your hotel room. You checked your phone; glancing over to see your friend rapidly typing to send a message that you assumed was to you. You continued as she was preoccupied. You were used to talking about yourself, so it came easy. “I’ve gotten pretty popular in California and we’re looking to branch out.” You got your answer when you felt your phone vibrate in your hand.

are you pretending you don’t know who THE MARK LEE is??

You tried not to laugh.

uh. yep

Your first mistake. You responded quickly and tucked your phone back into your pocket. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but you could have the night to yourself, right? Just pretending for a day wouldn’t be so bad. You reminded yourself that you’d probably never see them again. You wanted to have the moment without ruining it with your interests and it seemed to be working. It was almost like a real date, if you’d call it that.

“So, you’re famous on the low, huh?” You snorted at him, his doe eyes looking for an answer, mild amusement played on his face. “Celebrity chef type thing? You seem so young though!”

You snorted at the comment. “Something like that.” You pursed your lips, catching his eyes again and feeling completely enthralled by his interest in you. You couldn’t believe this was happening, continuing to talk about yourself. It was usually a bad habit, but Mark seemed more interested than anyone else ever had. “I don’t cook all the food now, but when we first started I did. I worked my way up from my kitchen at home.” You joked, grinning widely. “Gotten kind of famous for it, yeah. Started really early.” You shrugged back, playing it off as if it was no big deal.

“Well, I kinda get that. I, um, used to dance in my room and rap to everything I heard on the radio, so I guess I could relate.” He blushed again, feeling a shy that he’d compared the two of you, but you didn’t mind. He seemed to be mildly bothered by it, but you tried to assure him it was okay by giving him your undivided attention. “And now I never stop working, and like its fun stuff and it’s just busy work and all, but hey, we’re, like, getting a big break here in America, so I can’t be too upset you know?” You could tell he felt like he was over-sharing and you wanted to let him know you were fine with him continuing, but you didn’t want to pry as well.

“So, you became a big-shot really young too huh?” You joked, seeing his nervousness break. You knew the answer. “Worked your way from the bottom up? Do all your childhood friends kind of hate you too?” That was something you didn’t talk about often and it felt kind of odd that those words fell out of your mouth, you weren’t sure why you said that. You were reminded how Yeri acted and spoke about your success and felt weird mentioning it especially when she was right there, paying attention to the stack of cards in her hand.

He chuckled softly. “No, not quite. I didn’t even tell them I was leaving.” You knew that. “I auditioned for an entertainment company and just flew over and didn’t tell, like, literally anybody. I didn’t know how to!” He shrugged, putting his attention back at the game when you heard Yeri say his name and get his attention. You felt only a little bad for distracting him, but he didn’t seem to mind too much. “Get this. I, um, so I ended up living in Korea without telling anyone but my family, right? And I’ve been there ever since. So, I, um, get a call a couple years later.” You heard him break for laughter. “They all thought I was dead or something! They watched a music video and there I was.” You both shared a laugh, not really sure what to say next because you were interrupted by another reminder of his turn in the game.

Mark finished his round, turning back toward you and finishing off his beer. He grinned over at you again.

“I’ll grab you another drink.” You told him, gently tapping your fingers on his shoulder when you stood up to go back to the fridge. The room had gotten significantly louder, so it was slightly harder to talk to him, but the energy stayed between the two of you.

Taemin and Ten had eventually made their way out of the kitchen and were now extremely focused in karaoke together, lighting up the room with their voices in a duet of All I Want For Christmas Is You and it seemed like the most romantic thing you’d ever seen, captivated by their energy. You sighed happily, so glad they were actually spending their time focused on doing something that made them happy outside of work. Maybe it’s exactly what they needed, just some time to be themselves. You popped the top on another bottle of the same beer and made your way back to the table, handing Mark the new one and downing your own next to him. It almost surprised you to actually be enjoying his company outside of idolizing him and he seemed so similar to his media presentation. He was great, you thought, but you definitely needed another drink. You grabbed a liquor bottle from the end of the table and took one of Mark’s shot glasses, pouring yourself a shot and getting an eyebrow raise from him.

“Someone can handle their alcohol.” He joked, leaning his body just a little bit closer to you and it felt like electricity flowed through your veins as he had his shoulder touching yours even from his chair.

“I don’t do this often.” You reminded him, earning a huge grin.

“Because of business?” He asked, teeth shining.

“Because of business. “You nodded, playing along with his laughter and smiling at the fact that he was so willing to openly have these conversations with you. It felt good, refreshing even.

The night went on like that, soft conversations filling the room as he asked about your history and about the business life. He earned a good explanation, filling his mind with information you were slightly too embarrassed to tell anyone else who would think you were hoity-toity high maintenance even though you worked hard for everything you had or did. You felt comfortable telling Mark things about you when you didn’t feel so comfortable telling the people you knew growing up. You were on a more even playing field than you thought you ever would be with an idol like that and nobody you’d known could really understand where you were at in life like Mark seemed to easily drink in. It was more than just nice.

You continually drank throughout the night, tossing back shots with Mark and some with Lucas once he joined the table, excited to be reunited with his friends after some extreme karaoke that felt like it went on for hours. For a while he had refused to leave the mic, nobody threatening him or bothered by his intense participation. Lucas was much more fun than even you knew, his enjoyable presence definitely not affected whether public or not, so he was a complete blast to be around. Taemin and Ten seemed to be having a blast chatting up a storm with Yeri and Seulgi’s friends, shockingly speaking a bit to the two of them and making friends with them as well. Yeri couldn’t believe how easily you avoided the truth, having to join in on the fake reality of exactly who was at their party, so she clearly had caught Seulgi up to speed, but Seulgi hadn’t been too into the interest of the boys herself, so it was less of an issue for her. Maybe that was for the better. At least one of you could feel normal.

Mark clung to your side all night, following you to the final few hours of the gathering. Never Ever Have I Ever was the last game on your list, and as intoxicated as you were, it felt like there was no need to stop, you never had a problem before with your alcohol intake, it usually was fine in passing.

The last of the liquor was mostly tequila and vodka, shying away from the latter because of the headache it gave you, but tequila seemed to be fine. It felt like a fair game, Mark didn’t look so sure for you to be drinking so much, seemingly only slightly drunk and red from the decent amount of shots he’d taken and the beers you had given him.

You all sat around in a circle, most of the partygoers had faded away and gone home except for the four boys, you, your friends, and a few more people you didn’t get to know the names of. Ten decided to start off, pouring his six shots in front of him and getting himself ready to play. He handed the bottle to Taemin for him to do the same as he started gathering his own questions and everyone else filled their glasses up. He waited patiently for the last shots to be poured, which happened to be Lucas’s.

“Let’s get this party started!” Lucas shouted after the last shot was poured, giggling to himself at his joke and making Mark, who was currently pressed up against your side with his hands in his own lap, snort. Your body felt warm next to his, but you didn’t mind.

Ten started. “Never ever have I ever kissed a celebrity.” He grinned to himself, looking over at Taemin, who went ahead and took a shot, following along with Lucas. Ten grinned widely, taking a shot for himself, but still enjoying making Taemin’s blush evident on his own cheeks.

You bit your lip and debated on if you were fully prepared to take a shot. You’d kissed lower key celebrities who seemed to only be interested in your business and not you, so you weren’t even sure if you wanted to count it, so you held off, the room consumed by the energy between your new “friends.”

“You wanna play dirty?” Taemin giggled, shaking his head. “Never ever have I ever snuck into someone’s house at night when everybody but them was sleeping.”

“Fuck off!” Ten took another shot, laughing and you looked over to see Yeri take a shot as well. She glanced over at you, giggling. The confession had you slightly shocked, but not too surprised.

“You guys are weird.” You said softly, seeing Mark smile and gently slide his arm closer to your leg, but you were sure it was just a coincidence.

Lucas went next. “Never ever have I ever wanted to kiss someone I just met?” He looked over at you and Mark, causing you to shy away. Kissing Mark didn’t seem so bad right then, you didn’t feel the need to lie then.

You hesitated for a moment, biting your lip and avoiding Mark’s gaze. You took a shot and saw him go for his glasses as well, pouring one back and deciding to return to that question at a later date for interrogation, you’d just live your fantasy and hope it was you he was thinking about. Maybe you’d never find out.

Someone you didn’t quite recognize in the circle spoke up. “Never ever have I fallen asleep watching porn?” The unnamed boy grinned, watching everyone else in the circle take a shot. You looked over at Mark, who had a soft embarrassed smile on his face as you both took a shot together. He laughed; feeling less alone when he saw everyone had also taken one except the boy who said it.

“Okay! Never ever have I ever have I ever slept in a bed with more than five people!” You heard Yeri’s sweet voice say, staring over at you and you put your head in your hands momentarily, looking up and seeing all four of the boys look over at you as you took a shot, hoping you would dig deeper.

“Alright you have to explain that one, I genuinely don’t believe it’s what it sounds like.” Taemin spoke up; hearing Yeri laughing loudly and you were suddenly feeling shier than you had the whole night. It was a simple explanation, really. It just sounded odd.

You groaned, trying to get a start on the story. “Alright, so when I was in a financing class in university, we had a trip to visit Chicago and I brought my friend Irene, who is actually now my assistant, and happened to be my tag along to help with money and everything since she was in the business program with me.” You were used to over-explaining sometimes. Mark was looking over at you, a small smile played on his face and ready for your answer. “We had a California King bed, big enough to fit five people in, but just barely. We were supposed to all split up and go pick up some air mattresses, but after we had some drinks, everyone decided we could all fit in one bed. I knew everyone there, we all just decided to sleep in that bed together to save time and effort and money. First rule of finances is don’t spend money where it doesn’t make money!” You explained, earning laughter from everyone. “So, I promise it isn’t as bad as it sounds, we were just being economical. All clothes on, no funny business. Promise.” You finished with a snort. Your technical side had taken over and you felt slightly embarrassed about your serious explanation, but not about the situation.

Taemin spoke up, shaking his head. “Baekhyun, one of our other friends,” He started, your chest pounding at the mention of him. In the moment, you had forgotten that they were even idols and that they knew Baekhyun. They were so normal and fun, and you’d gotten used to it, so it surprised you to hear his name in a setting of them being his friend versus hearing about him online. “He said when they first started their group, they had twelve people in their dorms, right?” You knew that fact very well, pushing it to the back of your mind. “They were always so tired that they showered together. Sometimes six members at a time.” Ten widened his mouth in surprise, looking over at his boyfriend in shock that he’d never heard that story before.

“I mean hey, sometimes time gets crazy and you’re just too tired to do everything one by one, ya know!” Mark shrugged with a nervous laugh as he explained, looking over at you. He just looked so beautiful, why hadn’t you noticed that before? Big brown eyes turning you to mush and you were sure it was just the fact that you’d just downed three shots along with all the other liquor in your system from the night. Either way, Mark was absolutely beautiful in the dim lighting of the room and it almost killed you not to be able to kiss him right there. He looked so enticing and you could tell you had to be on your last bit of alcohol for the night, you weren’t sure how much else you could handle.

“Baek-hyung has been through a lot with his group. Bless his heart.” Lucas spoke up. He earned a nod from the two other boys, taking a chug of the water next to him. Lucas shrugged and sat back, enjoying the atmosphere since the party had died down, it was actually very relaxing, you had to admit.

“Okay then, never ever have I showered with someone.” Mark spoke up, laughing when he saw Taemin and Ten take a shot, more surprised when he saw you also take a shot. You didn’t have to mention that you’d only actually showered in a stall with Seulgi at the beach some odd years ago, wearing swim clothes, but technically it counted for the game. He wasn’t going to ask, you could tell, but you could see that he was feeling slightly surprised when he looked down to see that you had the least shots left. You breathed heavily, choking a little at the burn in your throat. “You feeling okay?” He asked, gently snaking his arm around your waist and it felt like you were on fire, feeling the burn in your throat and maybe you didn’t feel so good anymore. You swallowed thickly, putting your head down just a little bit to try and to retain your focus.

“I don’t know,” You responded, looking over at Mark. His chest looked relatively comfortable at the moment, opting to lean over to lay your head into it, his open arms welcoming you warmly. You sighed, apologizing. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have had so much to drink.” You tried to laugh, closing your eyes and feeling the room spin behind your lids. You groaned a little, hearing everyone continue the game on. “You guys can go on without me.” You told them, hearing them continue on and listening to Yeri remind them repeatedly that you were fine. Mark seemed a little more worried though, moving your shot glasses out of the way and letting you fully relax into him, his arm then around your shoulder and it would’ve been much more romantic and exciting if you weren’t way past your limit and trying to stay upright.

The last thing you remember from that game is mumbled voices and Mark’s soft voice telling you “Hey if you need something let me know, I’ve got you.” You were glad you’d made a decent impression on him because you weren’t sure how you would’ve made it through the night without laying your head on his chest for what felt like an eternity, barely coherent. The liquor hit you hard.

You only vaguely remember Mark walking you to your bed, laying down with you, and nodding off next to him with his arm around your shoulder. What you didn’t expect was waking up on the floor of the bathroom with your head in his lap and his fingers tangled in your hair with you comfortably changed into one of your own oversized t-shirts and sleep shorts. That one was a pretty big shocker.

-

He was warm, firm torso and lap much more comfortable than it should’ve been as you sat on the cold bathroom floor. You brought yourself to consciousness, trying to remember what exactly happened that night to where you ended up inebriated with someone who was basically a stranger. It took you a moment to look up, chest beating rapidly but from the reality of waking up next to someone you idolized, only recognizing him because you vividly remembered his tattered jeans and there was no way that it could’ve been any other boy, you were sure. You looked up, seeing his sleeping face made your stomach sink. How did you end up like that?

You sat up, thankful that you were decently clothed, wondering when exactly you put on a shirt in a hotel room that didn't exactly have the most private spot to change. You bit your lip, trying to stand up as the two of you were wedged between the toilet and the tub, so it wasn’t exactly the easiest task. You sighed, pulling your hair up and out of your face, almost terrified to wake him. You scooted over the clean bathroom floor and wound up on a towel, trying to take a breath and figure out the best way to handle the situation. Did he have anything else to do that day? Was anyone else he was with in the actual hotel room? Did you possibly have half of a boy group in your hotel room at the time? You didn't have any answers and it terrified you because you always had answers.

You checked your phone, quickly seeing the time and the low battery notification that you chose to ignore. The bathroom door was shut, so the two of you were together unbothered by anyone else. It was just you, Mark, the toilet, and the bathtub and you wondered again how the hell you had gotten into that situation. Was it fate? Stupidity? Probably the latter. You sighed again. 11:13 AM. Someone had to be worried about him, right? Had you affected his career by sitting there and choosing not to wake him up? Was waiting going to make it any worse? Did he know you'd be worried about that kind of thing? The questions flew through your brain faster than a jet-plane and you were scared. The last thing you really remembered was quitting the game and nothing after that.

You scooted over, gently nudging his snoring body and getting no response. You groaned quietly, seeing his eyes flutter open and you swallowed thickly. "Mark?" You questioned, seeing the light smile on his face with furrowed sleepy eyebrows.

"Good morning." Mark spoke, voice barely above a whisper in a gravelly tone. You let out a sigh of relief, unable to stop yourself from smiling softly, you could tell he wasn't quite coherent. Maybe he didn't know where he was.

"Uh, hi." You said softly, seeing him grin and brighten up the entire room. "Sleep okay?" You asked jokingly, biting your lip and almost feeling horrible that maybe it was your fault he was staying here. Did you force him? Did he feel obligated? The questions gnawed at your stomach, but he didn’t seem upset judging by the dopey smile splayed on his face.

"Surprisingly, yeah." He laughed, wiping his eyes to try and fully wake himself up. You crossed your legs, tugging your shirt over your lap out of habit. You sighed of relief, giggling at his yawn before you could stop yourself. "This floor is much more comfortable than it looks." You earned a laugh, shaking your head and trying to stand up and assist him to his feet as well. He grabbed your hand, letting you pull him up. It felt like the first touch and it made your stomach flutter. "Uh, did you sleep well?" He asked, scratching the back of his head.

"Yeah, I-I did." You nodded, smiling softly. You swallowed, looking at him and seeing his cheeks turn pink. He was still fully clothed, so you shouldn't have been too worried, but it didn’t ease your anxiety. "Did I like-" you paused, nervously laughing just a little. "I think I blacked out, is that right?" You asked, scratching the back of your own head in embarrassment.

"I mean, you threw up after the game." He said without a bother, smiling nervously as well. "So, I came to the bathroom to check on you because your friends were busy." He looked a little too embarrassed to explain that part, but if you knew your friends and you didn't want to dive deeper. You had to apologize and fast.

"Okay, oh my god I am so sorry I-" He interrupted you.

"No, no, no, nah it's really fine, don't sweat it." He laughed, shaking his head. “We, uh, laid in your bed for about a minute before you got up and, like, ran to the bathroom. I came in with you and held your hair. Then you, uh, threw up some more, got up, cleaned the bathroom. Smelled like bleach for a while." He was laughing a little more, causing your cheeks to get hot.

"Oh my god."  You could hear him giggling, but you couldn’t help but to laugh nervously yourself, hiding your head in your hands. It sounded like an absolutely you thing to do. He continued.

"Oh, uh, I'm not finished." He laughed, grinning up at your concerned face. He paused for another yawn. "So like, you got up and went outside to smoke with Taemin, decided to try to braid his hair because you couldn't see his face, that didn’t work out too well," You had to snort at that because it seemed overwhelmingly accurate. "Then you pulled me back in the bathroom, locked the door, and proceeded to throw up some more, so I was on watch duty to make sure that you didn't die." You both shared another laugh, seeing him stuff his hands into his pockets. The smile didn't leave his face. “The guys left just a while after that. Said they’d cover for me if they had to.” You were silent for a moment, taking in the information he was giving you. You were in disbelief despite your laughter.

"I am... so sorry." You said bluntly, shaking your head and feeling more embarrassed than you had in your entire life. "Oh my god I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have drank so much." You cursed yourself inside of your head as well. "I can't believe you had to see that, I'm sure you have places to be and people to see oh my god," You rambled on, shaking your head and pacing between the few bathroom tiles you stood on. "You've probably got schedules and everything I-" You were stopped by his hands on your shoulders for comfort, but they just made you feel more scared, blinking at him and finally shutting up.

"Hey, I told you it's really fine." He grinned, trying to calm you down. "I didn't mind, I really didn't. It was everyone's idea, not just yours." He moved his hands, putting them back by his sides. "You didn't force me." You bit your lip. "I promise. It was uh- fun." He giggled again, blush returning to his face. "I wanted to." He sighed softly and it almost broke you.

You sighed, looking back up at him apologetically, sincerity in your eyes and it almost hurt you to have pretended to not know who he was, and you didn't understand why he was being so nice. He didn't even know you. You had to ask, "Why did you stay?" You bit your lip, seeing him bite back a smile as well, looking at the floor out of shyness.

"Because you asked me to." The two of you erupted into soft laughter, in complete disbelief and it felt like your brain was swimming. Of course, you had asked him to stay, but the shocking part was that he did. You were both cut short of your recollection of last night by ferocious knocking on the door and rattling of the knob, but maybe it was for the best.

"Okay fucker open the door, I have to piss." Yeri always had a way with words, making you roll your eyes.

"Is she always that aggressive?" Mark asked quietly, scooting closer to you for protection as you walked over to the door to unlock it.

"Always." You whispered back with a nod, opening the door ever so slightly to see her annoyed sleepy face as she bounced, waiting to be able to come in. She pushed it open when she saw you, stepping in and wiping her eyes until she could properly see that it wasn't just you in the bathroom. You swallowed.

She got a view of Mark and her eyes went wide, seeing the fear in his face made her shy down just a bit in order not to scare the boy. "What.. the fuck?" She asked softly, shaking her head and sighing to herself. She knew just as well as you did that it was going to cause some trouble, but you'd return to yet another thing at a later time. "Just. Get out." she told the two of you. Yeri was known for not caring about being polite in the morning and she didn’t care who was around.

You both stepped out, looking at each other and letting out another laugh as she slammed the door behind you.

"God, I'm so sorry, she's really grumpy in the morning." You warned, shaking your head and almost feeling more embarrassed that your friend had been so rude to someone she didn't really know, let alone Mark Lee, but he didn't seem at all bothered.

He shook his head, smiling widely again. "Stop apologizing! For real, it's fine!" He assured you, stuffing his hands into his pockets again. You wondered why he hadn't just gone ahead and left yet, but maybe the universe was giving you a sign to grab ahold of the opportunity presented in front of you. Mark Lee was in your hotel room. Mark Lee had held your hair as you vomited. Mark Lee and his friends that just so happened to be Lee Taemin, Ten Lee, and Lucas Wong seemed to enjoy your company; Mark Lee willingly slept sitting up on a bathroom floor with you because you drunkenly asked him to. You locked Mark Lee in said bathroom. Yet he was still standing there with you. You swallowed again, feeling your palms get sweaty in the silence, so the next words fell out of your mouth before you could stop them.

"I have a new pack of toothbrushes if you want to brush your teeth." He snorted out a laugh at that, then smiled brightly again.

"Uh, yeah, that would be, uh, great actually." He nodded. “I love brushing my teeth.” You held back a laugh because he was genuinely so shy and awkward, but he sighed in disappointment in himself for acting weird, shaking his head. “I-I mean- “He made you giggle. “I participate regularly in brushing my teeth and would definitely appreciate a toothbrush.” You nodded, giggling even more at his wording. You’d seen interviews of him like this, but it was new level to hear it in person.

“I guess teeth brushing can be a good hobby.” You beamed back, cheeks almost aching from the grin plastered on your face as you dug through your bag on the counter where the bathroom sinks were. You grabbed yourself a fresh toothbrush along with one for him. “Good to know you’ve got great hygiene for a guy who slept near a toilet with me.” You joked, almost feeling bad for reminding him of it yet again.

“Hey now, you asked, it wasn’t my idea.” You put toothpaste on his toothbrush and got your own, turning on the sink and for some reason you were surprised when he joined you at it.

You stood together, looking in the mirror at two dumbly smiling, teeth brushing faces by the sink and it almost looked too good to be true. It felt like a dream because there was no way this was happening to you. You couldn't believe it and when you were both clean with fresh breath, he bit his lip and looked at you, resembling a lost puppy. He sighed and you could see sadness play on his face.

"I guess it's time for me to go." He said, fiddling with his own fingers. You swallowed, wanting to tell him so badly to stay, but you had a feeling that he needed to leave as much as you didn't at all want him to. It felt like your dream was over and you opened your mouth to say something until he spoke up again. "I-I had a uh, really good time last night. Awesome party." He said nervously and you couldn’t help but flash a cheesy smile at him.

"I did too." Your voice was quieter than you hoped it would be. "It was really nice meeting you." You reminded him, getting a breathy nervous soft giggle in response.

"I'll see you later? Come to the concert? I mean I might not see you then, but just in case!" He laughed even more nervously, scratching at the back of his head and looking at the floor. You could tell he felt dumb for saying that, but it was genuinely enjoyable to see him fumble with his words.

"I'll try my best." You lied through your teeth, getting a nod back. He backed away slowly toward the door, sighing and still trying to keep his eyes on you as if the last thing he wanted to do was leave.

Yeri nearly ruined the moment when she busted out of the bathroom, fully showered and much more awake in the white hotel robe. You both shot her a look of fear, seeing her shake her head and make her way back to her chosen bed. Mark raised his eyebrows, looking at you and the snort that came out of your mouth almost hurt, causing him to laugh again. It felt like the two of you didn't even need to talk, the simple silences filling the holes in the conversation with more than any words could say.

He made his way toward the door, feet moving before you could stop them and walked behind him to give a final goodbye. He turned back to look at you, opening his arms and slinking them around your waist to give you the gentlest hug you'd received in forever. It felt like the most comforting embrace you'd ever had, eyes closing and wrapping your arms around his shoulders before you could stop yourself. You held like that for a moment, finally pulling away felt dreadful, inches away from his face when he told you to call him sometime.

And like that he was gone, the door shutting echoed in your head for moments after that, staring blankly at the hotel door with regret aching in your bones. You almost felt like crying, in disbelief at what had just happened. It felt worse than a breakup ever did. You slinked your way over to the open area of the room, Seulgi still sleeping in the bed you claimed as yours, but you couldn't really be bothered to be worried about that at the moment. You took a deep breath and plunged face first into the bed that Yeri was sitting on the edge of and you heard her sigh in annoyance.

"Did you seriously fuck Mark Lee last night in the same hotel room as us?" She questioned and you gasped, widening your eyes and looking over at her. "We've had a pact since we were 14 that nobody would ever fuck at the same place as the other, so like-" You interrupted her, in complete shock.

"What?!" You exclaimed, feeling your chest get heavy and your entire body flush, terrified that something that extreme that you didn't remember happened. "I-I don't think so!" You quickly responded, sitting up and trying to think on if you could even remember anything even remotely close to that happening, but you genuinely couldn't remember a thing Mark had told you about anyway.

"Okay good because I was worried there for a second when you locked the door and-" Yeri continued, making you roll your eyes because her wording had worried you for absolutely no reason at all. You groaned.

"You just fucking scared me, I thought you meant you knew that we fucked." You sighed in relief, throwing your face into the pillow. You heard her snort, she loved playing games with you.

"Yeah no, you definitely didn't fuck anyone with all the puking you did." You heard Seulgi's mumbled voice, tired and eyes still closed as she clutched the hotel pillow in her arms. "I was sober by the time everyone left, and I really doubt he would've had sex with someone wasted. Doesn’t seem like the type." It was amazing how someone as asleep looking as she was still able to attempt to have full conversations, but you were thankful for it at the time.

"I'm glad my sex life has finally become the topic of conversation in the million years of friendship." You sighed, turning over to face the ceiling and clutching a pillow to your chest as well. "God, what did I get myself into?" You asked hypothetically.

"Not Mark Lee's pants." Yeri snorted as she applied her moisturizer, earning a pillow being thrown harshly at her from Seulgi. "Okay I deserved that. But like, how did you end up with Taemin from SHINee, Ten, Mark and Lucas from NCT in our hotel room, and not manage to get a single EXO member in here? Fucking tragic." Yeri joked further, smiling over at you and she could see the annoyance and regret in your face. You groaned louder, turning over and shoving your face into yet another pillow.

"Let's not forget I just threw up in front of and locked Mark Lee in a bathroom with me." The pillow muffled your words, but thankfully your friends understood, Yeri coming closer to you to rest a hand on your shoulder as you felt Seulgi sit at the edge of the bed by your feet, her hand resting on your leg. You sighed again into the pillow. "I probably just embarrassed myself and I'll just be ‘the one who vomited’ to him forever." You frowned, turning over to sit up and look at the two of them. "I probably ruined his life or got him in trouble or something."

"Well does he still not know he's your bias?" Yeri teased, earning a glare from the two of you. She pouted. "Sorry, bad timing." She frowned before returning to do her makeup in the hand mirror.

"No, but we brushed our teeth together." You smiled a bit, seeing both of their jaws drop and not understanding why. "What?" You asked with a scoff.

Seulgi sat up quickly and looked over at you. "Dude, you have to go after him." She told you, ushering you on and you still didn't quite get what the deal was.

"Why?"

"Because if he stayed long enough to brush his teeth then that means he didn't want to leave in the first place!" Seulgi explained. “Duh!”

"Yeah, duh, you dumbass, go after him!" Yeri turned back and shoved you. "Did you even get his number?" You frowned, putting your face in your hands again when frustration set in. Of course, you didn't.

"No." You took a deep breath, leaning back into the headboard and filling yourself with more regret. "But he fucking asked me to go to the concert tonight and-“ The two of them scooted closer, waiting for you to continue. "I.. may have floor tickets. Very close ones..” The two gasped, both screaming and slapping your legs, something you all often did as teenagers when something exciting happened, but it was just painful in the moment. “I didn’t want to tell you guys!”

“You ass! I got first row of the second floor and you decided to wait until now to tell me you had floor?” Yeri was still fussing when you heard your phone ring from the bathroom. You completely forgot that it was in there and it was rare that you forgot your phone even existed, usually glued to your hand for work. Fuck, it probably was work, just your luck. You were surprised that you’d been so easily distracted enough to not be worried about your job. It always was work calling, so of course you assumed the worst. Seulgi quickly darted to the bathroom before you could even stand up, grabbing it and a scream came from the room, surprising both you and Yeri and forcing the two of you to run to the source.

"Do you know this number?" Seulgi asked, grinning excitedly as she shoved the phone into your hands to see an area code you didn’t quite recognize. You swallowed, blinking rapidly as you fumbled to figure out what to do, swiping the ANSWER button and holding the phone to your ear. You wanted to throw up yet again.

"H-Hello?" You started, hearing a gasp come from the line and seeing your friends ushering you silently to put it on speaker. You obviously ignored them.

"Hey, uh," The voice started, and it almost felt like you could cry. It sounded like Mark, but you could only hope. "I-it's me." You were going to be sick. He continued and you stayed silent, heart pounding heavily as he spoke. There was no way this was happening. "It's Mark, I, uh, kinda asked you for your number last night and, um, I wanted to try it to see if you didn't give me a bogus number or like couldn’t remember if it was right or something I guess?" You heard a laugh, biting your lip and letting him continue, not even sure what to say if you tried to say anything at all. "I'm sorry for calling so soon I just-I kinda had to know." You heard another nervous chuckle come from him, reminding yourself that maybe you should respond.

"H-hey!" You tried to speak up. You couldn't believe he'd asked for your number, but you were thankful to God that he did. "Yeah, um it's me, it's the right number, hi." You laughed, almost feeling tears well up in your eyes. You couldn't believe it was happening, maybe you didn't let him slip through your fingers. Maybe it was your chance and you didn't miss it. "How are you?" Your face hurt again from smiling so hard.

"I'm fine, I'm, um, being asked how you're doing so I had to check in, uh, Taemin picked me up and is driving us to the venue because our managers were mad that we, uh, all kinda ditched some important meetings this morning. Thankfully our hotel is pretty close!" You could hear laughter in the background, feeling quite honored that they'd already cared about you enough to check up, but also felt slightly guilty that you caused them trouble. "But I guess I just- um, wanted to make sure you were alright?"

"I should be asking you that." You said shyly, giggling into the phone. "I made you sleep on the floor in the bathroom last night." You heard him laugh softly, biting your own lip. “Next to a toilet.” You put your head in your hands. Why had you mentioned that? Of course, he knew what happened.

"Hey now, I told you it was fine. It’s still fine." He reminded you and you sighed in relief, stomach still in knots from the fact that not only had you spent the night with Mark, but now you had his number and he was the one calling you, your luck was astounding and you had to bring yourself into focus to see your friends mouthing to tell you to say and ask various things, one of which caught your attention and you actually had to know the answer to, not just speculation.

"Hey, can I- ask you something?" You took a breath.

"Yeah, yeah, uh, sure. What's up?" He spoke nervously, you could hear it through the line.

"Did we like- do anything last night? Like, you know-" You started, quickly stopping when you heard him start to speak.  

"What?" You heard him choke, clearing his throat and letting out a shy embarrassed laugher, quickly answering you question. "Uh, no, no I promise, we didn't, um.." He laughed again. "I just took care of you is all, I, uh, didn't even think about it, it was-it was all innocent I promise, I-" You giggled, cutting him off, his embarrassment taking over and giving you a little more confidence.

"Well, not to say good, but I'm glad at least." You bit your lip, letting out a soft sigh of relief through your nose but you almost felt bad for embarrassing him so horribly. You saw your friends thank god and return to their positions on the bed, patiently waiting for you to finish your conversation and return the details to them later. "I would like to have remembered that." You said quietly, mentally pounding yourself in the head. You couldn’t believe those bold words had come out of your mouth, it was a far stretch for you at that point in your life, you hadn't been close with anyone romantically for quite some time. There was a pause that you didn't quite notice until he spoke up again.

"Me too." He let out a soft laugh, sighing. "Now, uh, about that concert..."

-

Mark had gone over the details on the phone call with you, explaining exactly where the concert was, what time, and the times for doors opening, all as if you had no idea all the exact information he was telling you. You didn’t know exactly how unknown he thought he was, but he didn’t seem to have any suspicion of your knowledge or love for him and his group, but at that point it was almost amusing. You felt horrible for feeling that way, but maybe it would be to your benefit.

You were up and ready to leave at any moment, making sure you had all your important items stashed away in your clothing bag and, regrettably, you felt like you had to leave all the merchandise you planned on wearing to the concert at the hotel because on the off chance Mark did happen to see you there, you couldn't expose yourself just yet. Maybe you were a little over-prepared and shouldn’t have even wanted to wear your keychains or other branded items you owned. Being low-key was probably going to work more in your favor, so you went with your gut feeling and dressed plainly. Just a normal person going to a concert they didn’t know anything about. You could do it.

You bit your lip, deciding to tuck your lightsticks away back into your suitcase and save them for another time. They sat on your shelf for months, they could survive in a suitcase. You grinned, feeling like you were getting ready for a first date. Mark at least made you seem like it would be, telling you he would buy you a ticket over and over on the phone and even having Taemin yell that he would pitch in in the background of your conversation. It was actually more than entertaining to shoot them down, trying your best not to admit you had a VIP ticket, but just calmly reminding them that you could take care of yourself.

"Well, someone's independent." You remembered hearing Ten say, causing you to grin ridiculously as you finished off your outfit by slipping into some comfortable shoes and making sure you and your friends were ready to make your way out of the door. You felt like a little kid in a candy store. Though you were disappointed that you had prepared so much and ended up only being able to dress like you normally would, you were sure it would be worth it.

You mildly worried that Mark would see you so close in the crowd and get suspicious, but he didn’t much seem like the type, he would probably not think too deep into it and hopefully just be excited to see you there, if he saw you at all. Your teeth wouldn’t stop peeking from behind your lips, entire body fluttering and nerves jittering at your fingertips in the best way possible. You sighed, seeing your friends, who were giddy and excited to leave, and you felt like the luckiest person in the entire world. Irene was right after all, she always was. Though if she knew what you were up to, she’d be shocked.

Entry to the venue was a little too easy, deciding to give Yeri your soundcheck entry and VIP extras because it felt like that might’ve been a little too far and the easiest possible way to sell you out if any of them were to see you in the smaller crowd. It pained you a little bit, but you had to remind yourself not to screw things up if it were to go any further with Mark. Maybe you’d eventually confess and give up the truth, but it didn’t seem like the best idea at the time, not unless it was important, you decided.

Then you got a text notification.

Hey, so I know you said no, but i have some access to a good seat if you’re interestedddddd haha

You still hadn’t saved his number, it was a horrible habit of yours, but it didn’t stop you from knowing exactly who it was from. He came to your party, he stayed up with you while you puked your guts up, he called, and now he had texted. You’d never had someone show so much interest in you so quickly, and it really was a huge confidence boost as well as a gigantic shock. It felt like you were in a daze, trying to come up with the perfect way to respond to him because texting wasn’t really your strong spot.

oh yeah? how’d you score that? haha

You added the ‘haha’ to seem more casual and mimic him as your heart raced, but Mark had no idea that you had such close tickets, but you’d amuse him just for the time being. You waited patiently outside of the entry where the VIP lines were, musing and waiting for a response. It was odd to you that he seemed like he’d be too busy to actually be texting you because the concert was going to start soon. Was he taking his extra time just to be texting you? It seemed unrealistic, but it honored you, nonetheless. You giggled at the next text, sighing and looking around you to see how many people you were sure wanted to be in your position. It felt slightly sickening, but it excited you to no end.

Made a bet with someone in security!

Then another.

That’s actually a lie, someone got upgraded and their seat is open, so I asked if you could have it and they said yes!  it’s on the floor right by the stage if you want ittttttttt

It felt like a tempting offer, biting your lip before typing out a response, but he was quicker to send one more text.

I mean unless you don’t wanna come, then I mean… we would have to plan out some other time to hang I suppose!

You could tell by now that he got nervous talking to anyone, especially from what you knew of your own information and your little encounters with him as well. You sighed, grinning happily and actually deciding to respond before he sent another.

no, no I’m actually here already!

You wanted to surprise him, show up in your seat and just hope for a minute he saw you, but the thought of him having no idea made regret play in your head. You were starting to overthink, wishing you could have a good time and watch the show without a worry that you’d create bad or confusing blood between you and the boy you just met. You sighed, trying to shake off some nerves before you heard someone call out your name, looking around rapidly to see the source before raising your hand and walking quickly over to the source.

“Hi, can I see your ID?” You quickly fumbled through your bag and showed the woman your drivers’ license and saw her nod. “Someone special told me to give this to you.” She was a small, sweet looking older lady with a security shirt. She handed you a freshly printed, unwrinkled ticket as she grinned, gesturing for you to follow her and pulled you out of line to follow her inside the entryway. You were genuinely surprised by Mark’s willingness to get you into the concert, especially since he didn’t even know that you were a fan. “Actually, it was four of them, but I’m not allowed to say names.” The woman laughed, walking you to your new seat and seeing only a few other people near their seats as well. You looked over and quickly waved at Yeri from her soundcheck spot who shined her new SuperM lightstick at you, making you roll your eyes. She was unbelievably close and had a wonderful view of the stage, it was actually pretty funny. But then it hit you, Seulgi was outside, waiting for her high-up tickets when your old seat was great and completely open. You bit your lip and made a quick phone call. Seulgi didn’t even have anything to do with the group and didn’t really have an interest, but even she would appreciate a seat closer to understand what all of it was about to you and Yeri.

“Hey, I’m sending you my VIP ticket, I got uh-upgraded.” You said quickly to Seulgi, biting your lip to not say anything too loud, especially with other fans around you. You were sure that it wasn’t exactly something you should be bragging about; you knew how those things worked.

“Oh cool!” You heard her laugh through the phone, causing you to grin. “Send it over, it’s freezing out here!” You clicked off, immediately transferring your ticket to her number as quickly as you could. You had to admit, it felt a lot better to have your friends there, even if Seulgi wasn’t the biggest fan and Yeri lived to embarrass you, at least you knew they’d always have your back. You felt your phone vibrate in your pocket again, assuming it was Seulgi in response, but got an unexpected text instead.

Oh man I see you!!! I’m so glad you came :)

This boy was going to give you a heart attack. What had you done to deserve the attention? You had no idea, and it almost felt wrong, but you weren’t going to jinx it.

You look really nice, by the way!

That made your heart flutter, glancing up at the stage and very slightly behind the big paper walls, seeing a faint pair of eyes and a fluffy head of black hair poking behind from backstage. You sighed, smiling at him and seeing him wave so subtly with his fingers and quickly he pulled his head back behind and out of view. Your heart pounded, sitting in your chair and crossing your leg over your lap. Seulgi surprised you when she made her way over to your seat, opting to keep you company before heading back to her newly assigned ticket, which wasn’t too far from your given one. You waved Yeri over as well, seeing her stand and tuck her lightstick back into her bag to come keep you company for only a moment. The security woman from earlier glanced at you and shockingly allowed Yeri to come down to the floor. You bit your lip, turning your phone to show the two of them the conversation between you and Mark, hoping he wasn’t spying on you again.

“You’ve got this boy wrapped around your fucking finger already.” Yeri snorted, shaking her head.

“I just can’t believe it’s Mark Lee!” Seulgi whispered his name so softly, thankful that for once in her life she was deciding to be quiet, that was rare. You didn’t want anything to screw what was happening up, and hopefully luck was on your side, you prayed that things would continue to look up because you’d never been so distracted and not thinking about work in so long, it was a mental vacation like no other, head wrapped around a boy and that almost made you feel dumb. Almost.

You saw people pile into the auditorium, hundreds of lightsticks filling the room bright and people quickly moving to their assigned seats. You sighed, loudly and told your friends you loved them. Yeri had a shit-eating grin on her mouth as she tucked her hand into her bag and pulled out a plain white box with just the SuperM logo on it and handed it to you with a fresh pair of batteries from her pocket. “Pay me back later.” You gasped a little, taking the lightstick out of your box and turning it on, waving it a little to make sure it worked, and you hoped Mark was looking.

Your friends started to walk away, and you reminded them to enjoy themselves during the concert as they fled away to their own places. You couldn’t believe Mark Lee had you sitting in the middle of the concert pit and that he personally made sure you got there, it all just seemed so far-fetched and blew your mind. You didn’t even know if you could focus on the concert, almost too worried about how Mark would perceive you if he caught you in the act of enjoying the stage, but it seemed like it could just be easy to avoid singing along to the parts when he wasn’t in view. You knew them well enough, hoping that it would be easier than it seemed. You just wanted to see Mark. Nothing else mattered.

The fans were hyped, to say the least, shouting words to the songs played before they went on stage. You were all too familiar with the fact that those concerts had a different vibe than most, the amounts of concerts you’d been to was crazy, but you loved the energy that those held. It felt like you were on a pedestal and you had to admit, it was the happiest you’d been in a long time, your nerves were subsiding as you stood there, feeling the weight that had been on your chest for years lifted by that one special spark. You knew all the words, you had to admit, but you weren’t focused on that right then, you were focused on the energy of the crowd and the clouds Mark had you floating on. You sighed, knowing how lucky you were and in disbelief that everyone in the crowd wanted what you had. Your phone chimed, whipping it out quickly and seeing another text from Mark.

Enjoy the show! ~

He texted so cutely. You were amazed he had so much focus on texting you, it was adorable, it made your heart melt because you knew he had to have other responsibilities, but he was focused on you. You wondered what you did to deserve such an amazing break all in the matter of a day, but your focus was ripped away when the lights went down. You sighed dreamily, clutching your lightstick to your chest as the screen started to play the opening video. You wanted to text Mark back, but you knew you both should focus on the show, so you chose not to.

When the first song came on, you cheered your head off and sang your heart out. You were thankfully not in a spot where Mark could easily see you through I Can’t Stand The Rain, so you were in the clear, but seeing him dance and sing on stage had your heart pounding because the thought of being someone in the crowd that not one, but four of them knew about made you feel like the most special person in the world. You sighed, wishing you could focus on everyone you went there for, but Mark had your full attention, waving your lightstick and cheering for him even as you were in shock of the fact that Taemin had gone from bright blonde to black in such a short amount of time. You could fangirl for just a moment; you were allowed that.

The two-hour show felt it was going by so fast. You watched happily throughout all the songs, cheering on and doing exactly what you’d normally do throughout a concert. You got through the first four songs which included two Taemin solos and a Taeyong solo. It was odd to know that you hadn’t met Taeyong yet, but something in your gut made you feel like you would, as if the night with Mark wouldn’t be your last.

You never thought that Super Car of all songs would have an everlasting effect on you, seeing Mark pop up on stage first, his looks making your heart flutter and you couldn’t believe that such a beautiful man you loved so much was texting you and made you feel so damn important. The performance was phenomenal, seeing Mark present himself so intensely made it feel even more like a dream. You hoped he was thinking of you. The other boys performing their hearts out and they wanted you to sit exactly where you were standing, that was their doing and they were in front of you. It felt surreal. You didn’t even realize that the song was almost over until you watched them run across the stage bridge, watching Mark intensely search the crowd.

You had goosebumps, heart pounding in your chest as you saw him continue to look, but you were sure it wasn’t easy to find you, not catching his eyes and horribly worried when he kept looking even when he should’ve been paying attention to the stage. You caught his eyes finally and it felt like you were the only people in the crowd, seeing his grin brighten up the stage and hearing him get even more intense with his singing, you had spurred him on to what you assumed was to impress you and that made it even better. You bit your lip and watched him as the song ended, seeing him slightly glance at you once it was silent. You could tell his cheesy smile was because you waved your lightstick at him and you felt like king of the world. As if it was all for you.

The talking bits had you grinning like no other, watching their backs as they gave speeches and it felt like you were actually watching your friends on stage, you were so proud. You didn’t expect the wave you got from Taemin as they exited the stage for Ten’s solo and you were left to blink in awe, wondering how exactly you got so lucky. You had to keep asking yourself that.

The bigger shock was when Ten so blatantly waved to you once he returned to the stage for his solos, swallowing and incredibly amazed that he took the time to find you, you felt like your lungs were going to collapse. Ten was one of the first people you knew of in NCT, so to have him pay attention to you and make you feel important was more than you could handle. You felt like tearing up, watching him dance so beautifully in front of you made it even more surreal. Even during New Heroes, he caught your eyes and smiled at you again, your chest hurt, it was more than you ever expected to feel at a concert in your entire life, but they made you feel like you were the most important person in the crowd and part of you knew you were.

Lucas’s solo was the most Lucas thing you could’ve ever seen in your life. You spent the whole time giggling and looking over at Yeri, who you completely forgot was even at the show with you and you almost felt guilty, but you knew she wouldn’t be upset about it. You forgot how head over heels Yeri was for Lucas and she did a wonderful job of hiding it the night prior. You couldn’t help but feel happy for him, knowing it was his first solo song that you knew about and you wondered if him belting karaoke in the living room helped any with his excitement of performing and you thought it was adorable. You grinned at him, waving your lightstick excitedly when you felt your phone vibrate again.

Someone’s a Lucas fan!

This text came along with a video that made you laugh harder than you had in a long time, watching it when the song ended, and you shook your head embarrassingly at yourself. You watched yourself jump excitedly on the phone screen, then you saw the camera pan over to Yeri who seemed to be losing her mind, but you knew Mark was probably just stoked that you guys were having a good time and you loved that he enjoyed you being there as much as you did.

maybe I’ll throw up with him next, we’ll see how the rest of the concert goes ;)

You responded as you grinned dumbly, biting your lip and looking where it seemed as if the video was filmed from, but not seeing Mark. It almost made you sad, but you knew he had to be professional. It didn’t seem like his strong spot. He was much more fun and less reserved than he seemed from the public knowledge you knew about him. He was an absolute sweetheart though. That, you could confirm.

Baekhyun’s solos went by in a flash, almost scared to sing every word in case Mark was watching, but you hadn’t received a text back, so you assumed you were in the clear, letting the music take you places emotionally that you didn’t think were possible. You’d gone by undetected and that was the first time that Baekhyun had been in front of you and you mildly wondered if he knew who you were, the thought was exciting.

The next few songs flew by, Dangerous Woman and 2 Fast rattling your heart to a new level, but not quite catching Mark, Ten, or Taemin’s attention through either of them. Part of you was thankful because the excitement of hearing new songs rattled your core and it felt like you were on the brink of explosion. Lucas pointed at you when the songs finally ended, flashing a wide grin and you had a feeling that Mark had absolutely showed him the video of you enjoying his performance, mild embarrassment flushed over you, but they didn’t seem to mind. Mark knew, or at least thought, that you were here for him, so the other boys didn’t matter.

During Baby Don’t Stop was when you stopped focusing on the concert, getting a response from Mark had you feeling just as nervous as before you met him.

I think you should come to dinner with me tonight instead, maybe no puke involved, yeah?

You swallowed thickly, trying to remain calm amidst the sea of fans surrounding you. Your throat felt tight and you weren’t quite sure how to respond because before you could, Mark was on stage, smirking like a vixen and rapping his heart out to a song you had never heard before. Seeing him perform gave you goosebumps, the aggression and raw talent coming out through the stage made you feel a bit scared to say the least. You genuinely couldn’t believe that he was the person sending you texts from behind the stage. You had brushed your teeth with him and he was on stage killing it, it was completely overwhelming and it made you almost wish you had fucked him, but you were sure that was the crazy part of your brain taking over and you needed to act normal, but the stage presence was giving you a whole new view of Mark, a view you liked.

Even when you heard his voice crack a bit, something you were used to because you knew it happened often, he still ruled the stage. You felt like you could drool and that was embarrassing, his stage presence a complete duality from what you had seen from him the night before. You almost couldn’t believe it. When he went to leave the stage, you saw him smirk, look directly at you, say “This boy, too fast,” and he winked before ending with “Thank you!” and the lights went out. Your heart raced.

It was too much. Your senses were overwhelmed, and you felt like you were in slight panic, you needed a moment. You darted off of the floor quickly, taking a breath when you made your way to the bathroom. You felt like you were about to have a panic attack, everything you had to take in was just a little bit too much and you needed to breathe. You realized you still hadn’t responded to Mark; you weren’t even sure how to then. You wanted to see him, you wanted to claim him as your own and it all felt so confusing.

What if you got him and couldn’t keep him? What if he just wanted an easy lay and you were accessible, but he got too scared? What had you done to deserve this? Why was Mark even interested in plain old, stressed out you? The what ifs were running through your mind because nothing in your life was ever easy and the last day had been much too easy. You closed your eyes in the bathroom stall, taking a moment to breathe. You pulled out your phone to see Mark’s text still sitting on your screen followed by a single text from Seulgi.

everything okay??? you ran out of here like you were late to the Olympics dude what is wrong

You really didn’t want to tell her how you were feeling, it felt idiotic because the reason you felt to anxious was because you couldn’t leave well enough alone. Mark was obviously interested in you, but you couldn’t help but to second guess why. There were so many things that could ruin what was happening and you so intensely hoped that it wouldn’t be something dumb that you did wrong; you really did hope. Once you pulled yourself together, you realized it had been an entire ten minutes since you walked out and you didn’t even care that you were missing songs. You reasoned that if you were about it upset later, you’d find another ticket in a different city and redo the experience. You picked your phone back up and attempted to type out a decent answer to either person. You sniffled, not even realizing you had been on the brink of tears to begin with. You read back over Mark’s texts and the playful question brought a smile to your face again, finally calming you down and you recognized that he would probably be the better one to respond to. You could easily talk to Seulgi later, she’d understand

You really wanna hang out again tonight?

You sent the message to him, swallowing and taking another breath before you typed out what you actually meant. You know you needed to in order to feel better. Maybe it would screw everything up, but it was what was on your mind and it had to be said.

Okay I mean like are you sure you want to hang out with me? You just put on the most amazing performance and I just feel like I’m not really worth your time ya know hahaha

The hahaha was more than sarcastic, much different from the other laughter in your previous texting. You frowned, picking yourself up out of the bathroom stall and trying to make your way back to your seat after calming down. You wanted to watch at least some of the rest of the concert. You made your way back to your seat and hoped that the guys didn’t notice you were gone. You saw them go on stage for the last time and apparently you had missed their ending talk, which made you kind of sad, but you were sure you could find videos of it, so you weren’t too bummed. The opening beat to Jopping started and you decided to say screw it and enjoy yourself, singing and belting the words to the song with no fear for the first time of the night. It had been played on the radio, so you’d have an excuse if you needed one, but you wanted to live the moment out normally; that was what you went there for to begin with.

When the song ended, you heard the audience cheer and then go silent. Everyone around you was saying their goodbyes and started fleeing out of the venue. You tried to gather yourself, but you still weren’t quite recovered since Mark’s solo song and you hated that it was what sent you into a panic, but weird things often did that to you. Seulgi and Yeri were quick to make their way to you, Seulgi significantly worried because she’d seen you storm off. You wondered briefly if any of the boys had seen you, but it wasn’t a pressing question of the moment.

“You alright babe?” Seulgi asked, putting her hand on your shoulder in question as you checked your texts, a soft smile returning to your face again and she felt much less worried. You had Mark to thank for that.

Uh, yes! Of course I want to hang out! Meet me at starbucks in an hour?

Thanks btw im glad you liked it!

-

You’d ditched your friends. You explained what happened and how you were feeling, getting soft nods and understanding words of encouragement. Neither of them seemed too sure about the idea of you going off on your own at night to find Mark, but they definitely understood why you had to go alone. You had to battle the internal problem and address him by yourself and they were all for it. “Self-care” is what they called it, making you grin as a reminder while you sat in a hidden corner of the Starbucks a few blocks over. You had an Uber drop your friends off at a last-minute university party that wasn’t too far away.  You were thankful you hadn’t decided to go there instead because seeing Mark definitely felt like it was going to ease your stress. Plus, to your amusement, they hadn’t told you about the party in the first place, wanting to drag you there against your will after the concert before your plans with Mark were set in stone.

Seeing him walk in the door and order his drink had your stomach in knots. He glanced around to find you sitting alone and just seeing his fresh face after only watching him on stage made you feel like a kid with a new and exciting toy, but when he pulled his mask down and grinned widely at you, you felt like you were going to melt.

You stood up to greet him when he walked over, surprised by his warm embrace and excited child-like nature when he ever so gently kissed your cheek, sitting down to join you at the table. You blushed heavily. From what you knew about Mark, he didn’t seem to like skinship nearly as much as the other members, so even just a simple kiss on the cheek made your chest tighten, grinning much too harshly to be considered casual. You hoped it wouldn’t be your last kiss and maybe you were thinking too far into it, but your face felt hot.

“Sooooo, how was the concert?” He shyly asked, tapping his fingers lightly on the table. You were whipped already and that was pretty embarrassing, giggling like an idiot as you watched him cutely sip at his straw, both hands attached to the side of his cup. It was freezing out, but he’d still decided on an iced drink. You thought about scolding him but decided not to.

You didn’t even have to lie. “It was out of this world.” You spoke honestly. Watching his grin grow felt blinding, his giggle ringing in your ears like the soothing sounds of bells at Christmas. He felt unreal. Seeing and watching him talk was deafening, barely catching the words he was saying as he fiddled with a napkin and kept taking little sips of his drink in fear of the cold. Your cheeks were warm, feeling yourself grin within your conversations and the world surrounding you felt like it didn’t exist. It was just you and Mark in the coffee shop and nobody else mattered.

“You ready to head out?” You didn’t even realize you even agreed to a night out in the city, blinking sweetly at him and letting him take your hand and lead you out of the door.

“Where are we going?” You asked, teeth shining brightly in a goofy daze.

“You weren’t paying attention to anything I said, huh?” He asked, catching your eyes and softly grinning.

“I swear, I was trying.” You laughed together as he stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I was a little um, distracted.” You explained poorly.

“You thinking about something important?” He asked, still glancing at you from the side. “Something bothering you?” He only lightly joked. You could tell that he knew nothing was bothering you, but he was trying to dig further into what you were thinking about to be so zoned out of the conversation.

“I just.. really like being here.” It gushed out of your mouth faster than you could stop it. “I mean, here. I like this. I like… not worrying about work.” You spoke more honestly than you had since you met him. Something about walking down the street at midnight with someone you hardly knew yet had thought about intensely for years had you feeling a bit sentimental, liking the contrast in feeling between the concert and then. Mark was comfortable, he made you feel good. Maybe you should come out and say it, the night was young. “I know we just met and all, but I really like being out here with you.” You told him. It was bold, but you didn’t regret it. You could see the excitement in him as you spoke, his ego clearly boosted, and you didn’t mind making him feel like that.

“I really like being here with you, too.” You could tell it made him nervous to tell you that, letting his walls down and it felt odd. Your skin felt warm, smiling to yourself and trying to come to terms with what was happening between the two of you. You saw him check his phone intensely and slightly jumped when he reached out and grabbed your hand with his free one, pulling you to run down the street with him. “Come see, I want to bring you somewhere.”

“Where are we going?” The laugh escaped your mouth as you trailed behind the boy, only getting cute laughs in response and him telling you to hold on and you’ll see. You followed Mark for what felt like an hour, but also felt like a second. Time was different when you were with Mark. He had carefully dragged you down the street and across multiple intersections just to pull you into a hole in the wall building in the middle of the city.

“My friends told me to come here.” Mark beamed at you, showing the doorman his passport so he was easily ushered in. He gently squeezed your hand before letting go. It almost felt like he pulled a part of you with him, having to bring yourself back into reality. His friends? He got a glance from a few of the workers, but he didn’t seem to notice like you did. “They said it was fun, I think you’ll enjoy it!”

“What is this place?” You asked him and got a bright shot of a toothy smile in return as you rounded a corner.

“It’s what we call a, uh, noraebang!” You could’ve giggled at the way he said it, seemingly unsure of what he should call it. “It’s like, um, karaoke, but there’s like rooms and stuff! We have lots of them back home. They’re like really fun, I promise!” He explained with such pride. You felt like fainting, in disbelief that Mark was sweet enough to share something he clearly enjoyed with you. He was quickly walked to a back room with no questions asked. You followed closely behind him, every time he turned his attention to you to check if you were still behind him in the long hallway felt more and more intense. “I’m just checking that you’re still there, these places are confusing sometimes.” He was sweetly apologetic, easily calming you down, his gentle voice ringing in your ears even over the loud music coming from the rooms surrounding you. “You’re gonna love it.” He told you again as if trying to convince himself more than you. He checked back again to make sure you were still behind him. Normally you were the one to double check and make sure everyone’s there behind you every time you went out with anyone. It was a nice change of leadership. There was a man wearing sunglasses and dressed in all black guarding the back hallway and you were only off put for a moment.

“It’s like you’re in the mafia, special privilege, private hosting, yeah?” Sometimes your comments were dumb, especially when you were nervous like he had you. You regretted as soon as the worlds fell from your mouth but hearing him giggle to himself made you feel better.

“Yeah,” He laughed. “Usually it’s a nightmare but sometimes it’s nice.” He told you, falling a little back to be closer to you as you were led to a room, his hand feeling like fire as it found your own again and slipped his fingers between yours. You saw him peek his head in to wave hello to his friends, surprised when he stepped in quickly and yanked you inside, only waving at them to introduce you, telling them to say hello.

You couldn’t believe your eyes. So that’s what he meant by his friends. That moment was the hardest one thus far that had to test your complacence. You felt like the desert had more moisture than your throat, only pulled out of your surprise by Mark’s voice. “So, uh, that’s Taeyong, Jongin, and you met everyone else! Everyone say helloooooo!” It rolled off of his tongue awkwardly, making you giggle loudly as you waved hello to everyone, trying extremely hard to make yourself not lose your cool. Having 5 smiling faces on you was an intense reality check. Everyone was there but Baekhyun, but you were a little too focused on the others to notice or care. You liked to say you had been fine until that moment, it was more than a little bit of a shock to see so many people you loved sitting at a table in front of you, you being the one Mark had been comfortable enough to introduce you. You didn’t understand why it was happening so fast, but it was definitely happening and there was no way you could stop it.

“My friend! I’m glad to see you again!” Lucas’s booming voice said happily, his welcome stood out more than anyone else’s. You snorted, shaking your head and quickly shaking everyone new’s hands before Lucas gladly stood up to give you a hug from across the table, which you gladly accepted. Ten and Taemin offered up a few conversations and Taeyong looked more than ecstatic to meet you and you vaguely wondered why but didn’t focus in on it. You talked to everyone and complimented their performances for just a moment when you saw Jongin lean over to speak quietly to Mark. Mark cleared his throat. “I, um, just wanted you to meet everyone I guess, this is.. a little awkward if you wanna, you know?” You definitely didn’t feel that way, but you could tell what he was hinting at. Mark stood up and awkwardly said he’d see everyone later with happy smiles. You shrugged and told everyone how nice it was to meet them, earning a cocked eyebrow from both Ten and Taemin. You definitely liked them, you noted. Mark tugged you out of the room by your hand and down the hall to another empty room manned by a guy smaller than the last, but definitely more intimidating, who flashed you a smile and easily waved you in.

“I’m sorry if this is a little weird, I just thought you might like to come here and hang out, I thought we’d get a little, uh, alone time, yeah?” Mark grinned at you again, you could see his cheeks heating up and you wondered how he was so precious, your chest felt hot for the billionth time seeing Mark. You figured the privacy was what Jongin had spoken to him about.  “I haven’t um, been on a date in, like, um, well, ever.” You heard him laugh nervously, tucking his hands between his knees. He looked up at you shyly, your heart pounding. Just the word date made your cheeks go red again.

“I mean, you’re doing pretty well.” Was all you could really say, he had been very amusing to be around. “This is probably the best date I’ve ever had so far.” You weren’t lying, it wasn’t a disaster like all the others turned out to be in minutes, but it made Mark laugh.

“We’ve been out here for what, like 10 minutes?” Through giggles he spoke, radiating soft shyness and he seemed to genuinely be happy, something you hadn’t even seen in videos of him, it was a whole other side of Mark that you were even scared to explore, feeling like you were invading his privacy. “I must be doing something right then, huh?” He asked and you knew he was serious, seeing him look slightly vulnerable was a new look, he looked so peaceful, so happy and genuinely enjoying his time.

“I think you’re doing everything right, Mark.” You reminded him and you saw him glow, grinning widely and straightening up his shoulders excitedly. “I’m having a really good time out with you; I want you to know that.” You were sure to say, seeing his smile somehow widen even more.

“Just let me know if I do something wrong.” Mark told you and you felt slightly wrong, sitting in your chair and wanting to tell him everything you’d thought about what you would tell someone you looked up to as much as Mark, hell, you even thought about it with Mark, but you knew that saying anything could ruin it and that fear pounded through your head. You had to forget everything you knew about Mark, forcing yourself back into reality as he tried to explain the menu to break the silence. You scooted closer to him, thighs barely brushing, and you heard him choke a little. You hated how nervous you made him, feeling completely undeserving and it felt like you could fall in love in that moment, looking over into his eyes as he glanced back and forth from the menu to you, having to bite back smiles as your attention was on him.

“Anything you see that, um, piques your interest?” You didn’t miss the sparkle in his eyes. He asked quietly, biting his lip and looking back at the menu again. You were then the one distracting him and it made you feel like the only person on earth, like you were the only person who mattered.

You glanced back over the menu at the selections and you couldn’t really focus on what you wanted. You figured you should answer him somehow. “I, um, I don’t really know what to choose.” You said as you shook yourself back into reality, leaning your shoulder closer to him enough for him to slip his arm behind your back. It felt like heaven, the warmth radiating off of him comforting. You didn’t feel like you had the capacity to choose anything or even concentrate on the menu. You sighed. “I think you should pick some things and show me what you like.” It was often your suggestion when going out, especially since opening your own restaurant, you could choose for anyone else but hated choosing for yourself.

“That’s the chef brain isn’t it?” He asked the question with a grin, subconsciously leaning more toward you and only a few inches from your face. Had he read your mind?

“It is, isn’t it?” You smirked a bit. When you both caught eyes again, you ripped them away quickly, awkward shyness making you both look back down at the menu again. Why did he affect you so badly? You didn’t know and it scared you that your usual confident state was faltering.

“So! Um, I’m going to order some ddeokbokki and something with kimchi, I think those would be good starters, yeah!” Mark shyly laughed through his sentence, making your own grin grow. “They’ve got a lot of food selections, if you wanna like let me order a bunch of stuff and we share because that’s what we always do, so like,” He shrugged, obviously not exactly sure how to explain it to you. “We can do that if you want and if you decide you don’t like something, we can get something else and-.” He was rambling.

“Hey Mark?” Mark turned his attention to you, doe eyed. “You talk a lot when you’re nervous.” You heard him sigh, defeated.

“God, I know.” He laughed, shaking his head and you felt like you had finally broken him, but it was good. “I literally never stop talking when I get nervous, I just suddenly have so many words and I just keep droning on and on, I just- really liked spending time with you and it’s crazy because I’ve never felt like this before I-“ You couldn’t help but to laugh, playfully shaking your head and loving hearing him speak about you so happily, it felt so nice.

“You’re doing it again.” You giggled and he joined, caught off guard with a small gasp when you reached down to hold his hand, gently thumbing over the back of his palm as he scanned over the menu again.

“I’ve gotta, um, get up to go order.” He spoke quietly, eyelids slightly hooded as he smiled at you, feeling comforted in your gaze as you glanced over his lips. They looked so soft and plush, perfect for kissing. You bit your lip softly, scooting out of the booth to let him get out, comfortingly moving back in and waited for his return. You whipped out your phone, eager to send out a text and scream to the heavens, but for once, you were out of words. It felt wrong to be texting anything about your night with anyone, it felt like it was special and to be carried just between the two of you and that almost made it better. You had a secret, but you were his secret, it almost didn’t feel wrong when you thought about it like that.

Mark came back, swiftly scooting back into the booth just as pressed against each other as before, slinking his arm around your waist yet again with his thigh nudged against yours. “Is this okay?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper and you nodded. You leaned your shoulder closer into him after he grabbed the remote eagerly. You had forgotten you were there for karaoke. He typed quickly into the search bar on the television to put on a song for you. “I’m gonna show you some stuff.” He told you, fingers lightly dancing on your sides. It felt comforting.

The place was filled with blaring music in seconds, eagerly guiding you on how the karaoke worked. You watched as Mark tried his hardest to sing all the words to the songs. You sighed, watching his excited expression made the whole thing even more worth it. He seemed so content, showing even more excitement once the food got to you. It felt like a blur, the universe turning on fast forward as you autopiloted your whole dinner discussion, listening to him speak and tell you about his hometown. He spoke vaguely and nervously, but you watched the words fall out of his mouth with pink dusting your cheeks.

It felt like for the last few years all you did was talk about yourself, so listening to Mark was almost too good to be true, listening to him openly with wide, eager eyes as he told you about his best friends, experiences, and home life that you’d only gotten a glimpse into online. You found out that Johnny was his best friend, Doyoung was his roommate, and he missed all of his friends back home in Canada. You knew he was from Canada, but you learned so much more about his love for his home, the universe in his eyes when he talked about it. You wanted to melt; he was so much more perfect than you ever thought he could be.

The food was amazing, you had to admit, his gentle voice explaining exactly what was on the table in front of you, feeding you bites from his chopsticks and grinning each time you complimented whatever he put into your mouth. You didn’t have a single complaint, extremely open to trying new foods and tasting new things, especially for someone as grateful as Mark was. You felt so open, happy, and free to finally be the one listening to someone talk about their life and showing you new foods and not on the opposite end of the conversation. You felt like you were in a daze when he grabbed you and pulled you out of the restaurant after paying, insisting that he did so and repeatedly asking if you were enjoying yourself and of course each time the answer was yes.

He pulled you all around the city, giggling together and taking pictures of the sidewalks and scenery. You felt like you saw new things with Mark. You were from the town, but it all felt so fresh, bold, and full of life in comparison to when you were younger. One topic in particular caught your attention more than any other. “Sometimes I wish I wasn’t famous; you ever feel like that?” You were almost 100% sure that he thought you were more famous than you were, only barely known outside of where your business started, you had to laugh a little.

“What do you mean by that?” You asked as he was stuffing street food cart popcorn into his mouth, chewing quickly so he could get an answer to you quicker.

“You know, sometimes you ever feel like you just stayed quiet, grew up a little more normal? No real responsibilities or being held to a standard?” He scoffed playfully. “Sometimes I just want to sit at home and play basketball all day with my shirt off, you know?” He asked, stuffing his hands into his pockets; he did that often. “It’s hard to do that when you��ve got something to do every second of every day.” He shrugged.

“I actually know exactly what you mean.” You admitted honestly, shrugging. It felt like you could be 100% honest with him for the first time and answer that question fully. It wasn’t about him; it was strictly about work. “So, my life’s always two categories,” You started, trying to find the right words to say. “It’s always either work, or it’s personal. Kind of like a Venn diagram but somehow none of it ever meets in the middle, like it’s empty or something.” You explained, feeling Mark’s full attention on you as he scooted a bit closer while walking. “When I was younger, the personal side had a lot more on it than the work side did. I find myself always worrying about my job now, it’s like it’s my whole life and it’s not necessarily the fame part.” You explained further. “Because if you ask anyone, they don’t know who I am unless its where I’m from or where I am at that moment in time. Like, I’m important because I’m relevant to those people, not because I’m actually important.” You looked over and you got a big nod out of Mark, who was patiently waiting to respond when you were finished, he was one of the few men you’d met who hadn’t felt like interrupting when he had something to say, that was a huge shocker, but you liked it. It made you feel important, which was something sickly engrained to like in your brain after years of being fueled on validity.

“That’s kind of exactly where I’m at. I always feel like people don’t want to get to know me.” He started and your chest tightened. “I feel like when I’m home in Korea, people only like us if we’re providing for them. I know this sounds so selfish but, um, people at home tend to make us feel like we owe them something.” He explained and for the first time it felt like Mark was a real person. A real person with feelings and it only made your appreciation for him swell. “We get out there on stage sometimes and it kinda just makes us feel like we’re not here to do what we love, we’re here to make money.” He said with a heavy sigh, you scooted closer to him, walking almost shoulder to shoulder. You bit your lip and slipped your hand into his jacket pocket to grab his, soothing over his thumb and you felt his palms get sweaty, warm skin playing on yours as you held hands.

“Well, I just want you to know you’re much more important than that.” You started, reminding him and for a brief second it did feel like maybe you were going to get to say what you wanted to someone you admired so much, but you stepped back and let him have his moment. “You make so many people happy, okay, yeah.” You reminded him, feeling a weight lift off your chest as he grinned. “You get up there and your energy is phenomenal.” You spoke passionately. “You make these people so happy; they worship at your feet! They love you; they really do. You’re probably some of these peoples’ anchors.” You explained to him and saw him beam, excited to hear someone tell him how important he was, and you wished someone would remind him every day because he deserved it. More than anyone you’d ever met. He shied away momentarily, taking it in. “But,” you continued, and he perked up. “It’s also okay to feel like you don’t owe anyone anything.” You told him. “You’re allowed to feel like you don’t have anyone to please but yourself and I think a lot of artists who disconnect themselves like that get in trouble or whatever, but it makes the fan connection stronger, so to speak. People see you as more human when you admit your problems. There are people are here for the real you. It doesn’t have to be all of you, but you’re allowed to be human and show basic human tendencies.” You reminded him and he sighed, smiling at the ground.

“I’m glad you think so.” He told you softly, squeezing your hand and pulling it out of his pocket to swing back and forth with him on your walk. “God, you’re so easy to talk to!” The sudden outburst had you laughing, seeing him roll his eyes and try to gather more words in himself. “I haven’t had anyone but my members to talk to about this stuff and they all make me seem like I’m crazy!” He told you, pouring more popcorn into his mouth from the bag in his hand. “They make me want to feel more grateful, but sometimes I just want to be kind of… selfish I guess?” He shrugged, sighing. “Like I love what I do, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to only be known for that stuff, I just don’t know exactly how to open up with all the rules and whatnot. God, it’s so difficult sometimes, every single idol I know has a problem opening up.” He groaned. “It feels like we can’t be real people.” Your chest felt heavy, you felt sad for him until he continued. “People here don’t make me feel that way.” He admitted, smiling toward you. “People here, like, America specifically, make me feel like it’s okay to mess up, and not everyone here knows me, so I can go out, have a good time if I like and not be in too much trouble for it.”

You felt your heart race when he mentioned being unknown and it just so happened that you were one of those people who did know about him and you felt guilty, wanting to admit your secret and tell him how he made you feel versus now, but you kept quiet. It felt like the better thing to do. It was your turn to be selfish, letting him have his moment of being unknown because it seemed like it made him feel better. You bit your lip, looking over at him and seeing how he absolutely glowed in the dim dull streetlights and your stomach flipped a bit. You swallowed, looking over at him. “Are you having a good time?” You asked sheepishly, retracting.

“Yes! Oh my god I’m having such a good time.” He spoke excitedly, bright grin making you almost choke. You felt like crying. “I’ve never felt so comfortable around anybody before and I know we don’t really know each other, but I’m loving that we got someone to tag along with us. We’ve never, like, had that before.” He sighed, content and you couldn’t help but to grin at him, gently squeezing his hand in yours and you felt like the world was in your palm. “I like hanging out with you.” He said, between bitten lips as he shied away from his confession.

“I like hanging out with you too.” You told him, heart pounding in your chest even faster, the world feeling like it was glowing, your eyes catching his in a soft gaze. “I like you, Mark.” You told him, feeling like a small elementary child. “I know it’s early and all, but you’re easy to talk to as well.” That was almost a lie, you had a hard time deciphering what to tell him. It felt like you’d known him for days, but you’d spent so much time with him that the hours rushed into the minutes and time didn’t really matter, all that mattered was Mark. You realized that quickly.

He beamed, tugging your hand to run down the street, giggling as he pulled you. “Come on.” He said, not telling you exactly where you were going. You knew the place, but it felt so different with him. He pulled and pulled and had you running behind him in short breaths, trying to hold your pace. He made you speechless.

He pulled you into the park you spent your childhood at, swallowing heavily and feeling even more nostalgic. You smiled brightly, taking in all you saw and how different it was from the last time you saw it. He let go of your hand and it felt cold, seeing him walk over to the swing set. “I saw that there was a park near here when we were at the last place.” He told you, checking to make sure you were following behind him. “I figured you might like it.” He said, making you laugh.

“I love it.”

Your final goodbyes were back at the venue, having to pull yourself away from him reluctantly. You’d walked around all night, 3am coming much quicker than you ever expected. He’d walked you around town, having you take pictures of him for the memory, deciding not to get any together for the better idea of both of your reputations. It was okay, it didn’t bother you. It felt hard to pull yourself away from his embrace as he walked you to your car, telling you he’d get picked up there soon, but you still worried.

“You’re gonna get kidnapped.” You told him, grin wide as he leaned against the door of your car, speaking through the window.

“If it’s my time, it’s my time.” He joked, making you roll your eyes. You quickly lit up a cigarette, avoiding blowing smoke in his face. His eyes looked dazed, starry eyed and fully focused on you, just you.

“You’re gonna get yourself hurt if you think like that.” You reminded him, biting your lip and seeing him lean in closer.

“Well, I, um, I wanted to ask you something.” He sounded nervous, piquing your interest even more as you leaned in closer, taking a drag of your cigarette and blowing it out, just inches from his face but he didn’t back away, you raised an eyebrow in response, waiting for him to ask. “Do you want to come to the next show with us? If you’re not busy?” He bit his lip, scared in response to what you’d say because it felt as if in the chance you said no, it would be the last time you saw him. You swallowed, sighing with a dopey smile. “I know it’s a lot to ask but..” He let his sentence fall in hopes that you’d respond.

You thought about it for a moment. You didn’t have anything to lose. You had the time, the money, no reason not to go. You sighed heavily, seeing him bounce a little in place.

“You don’t have to.” He reminded, but still looked like he would be crushed if you told him no. You took one huff of your cigarette and the dramatic effect of the pause had him nervous, jumping a little in place from the cold. “But I, um, really want you to.”

“Yeah, you know what?” You shrugged, grinning at him. “I’ll come. It’ll be fun.” You thought you saw him jump in the air like a little kid, cheeks red and smile big enough you could no longer see his eyes. Your heart was going to burst.

[sosation]

On the Passing of Michael Brooks

I only relatively recently became aware of Michael, less than a year ago. In that time he has impacted my life more than any other media personality, more than anyone I’ve never met.

Even though the first time I voted was for Obama in 2008, my political consciousness really began during my 2nd stint of college at UTA circa 2014/15. My history undergrad was waking me up to the power dynamics and hegemonic systems that exist in our society. I was beginning to understand geopolitics under the tutelage of Dr. Joyce Goldberg and getting really wrapped up in 20th century diplomacy. The Snowden leaks had happened and the Michael Brown demonstrations in Ferguson were drawing attention to the militarization of our police forces and their tactics on US citizens. I began to see capitalism as consisting of, and causing and contributing too, countless problems. Then, the 2016 election cycle stoked my already burning interests.

During this time, there was little “left-tube” to be found. Since 2012, streaming on our X Box has been my wife and I’s primary means of entertainment. Slowly more and more of our time was being spent on YouTube. The Young Turks was really the only progressive voice on Youtube, to my knowledge, at that time. (I wasn’t yet aware of Pakman, Kulinski, Seder and Brooks.) And even though they were my primary source of news, I wasn’t crazy about the hyperbolic presentation, Cenk’s ego, or some of the attitudes expressed by various hosts at various times. That being said, I learned a lot. I was exposed to many many great journalists and they certainly helped me solidify and articulate many of the arguments I had been thinking and feeling during this time. I even became a Texas Wolf-Pac Volunteer right after Trump’s election. 

I ended my bachelor’s and master’s programs under the Trump presidency. (May ‘17, Dec ‘18 respectively.) During this time I read and wrote more than I ever have in my life. Under Dr. Christopher Morris, Dr. Patryk Babiracki, and Dr. Pawel Goral, I read Marxist historical theory and studied the history of the Cold War  from the perspectives of the US, USSR and Europe. I also began watching less and less TYT and more Secular Talk, David Pakman, and David Doel. While these shows are great, there was little to no international perspectives or geopolitical discussions happening. (Doel being Canadian accounts for something but, IMO, anyone who lives in the 5 Eyes is hardly a non-western perspective and therefore significantly less valuable in regards to gaining the insight of the peripheries of the globe. As the hegemonic “leader” of the world, Canadians, New Zealanders, Aussies and Brits, can point and laugh at the US all they want but they are taking our lead-systematically and economically.That’s not to say that their perspective is unimportant, just not the same as those outside the western sphere) Furthermore, there is still even less of a historical perspective being represented in regards to current events anywhere on YouTube. No one seems to have a long dureé, an understanding of how history plays out- again and again, and how capitalism is responsible for much of our recent history. Marx did. Michael did. 

I began my teaching career in earnest last summer, 2019, as a Geography teacher. First time I’ve ever had a salary and the first time that I didn’t have to wear a hat (or hairnet) to work. My lunch was 2nd lunch, 12:35-1:15. Here in Texas, The Majority Report was live and it began showing up consistently on my youtube feed so I began watching them while I ate my sandwich and apple, before students from guitar club would show up for a quick lesson before 6th period. I had watched TMR before, particularly live streams on twitch during the first few primary debates this cycle. They reminded me a little too much of an east coast morning talk show for me to take them too seriously at first but I eventually began to see that while Sam is--well-- Sam, the others on the show had quite a lot to say and clear, logical and articulate reasons for their positions...especially this guy Michael. Once I heard that he had his own show it quickly became the most listened to podcast in my feed. (This in itself is no small feet. I’ve been listening to podcasts for hours a day (sometimes 8) since 2012. It, too, no doubt contributed to my education and understanding of our world during this same time period but that is another blog all itself.)

Michael was everything that I was looking for. He was unabashedly a Marxist. He was intelligent and enjoyed rigorous thinking and leftist theory. He was hilarious and did fantastic impressions. He also was compassionate, kind and empathetic. He was a humanist, in the truest sense of the word and he understood, and articulated to me, that Socialism is a humanist movement. After I became a patron, I once asked him on Discord what his credentials were and he said that his Bachelor’s was in International Relations, which explained so much. Again, he was the only media personality that I was aware of that was knowledgeable and curious about the same things I was. He understood history. He valued history and its importance, so much so that he dedicated a separate Sunday show just to “Illicit Histories” where he would invite Historians from all over the world to discuss leftist movements in their own countries and how we could apply those lessons here and vice versa. This was it. This is what was missing from our national discourse--an international perspective and voice, and a historical perspective and voice. Michael was both and he was damn good at it. 

The Michael Brooks Show was an inspiration. Michael, Matt Lech and David Griscom were smart, eloquent, young men who articulated the systemic failures of our time, who critically discussed and analyzed our current political discourse and who pondered possible solutions based in history. The guests of TMBS, the network Michael created, really were the shining feature. Ben Burgis, Artesia Balthrop, Molly Webster, Glenn Greenwald, Adolf Reed, President Lula De Silva, Slavoj Žižek , Noam Chomsky, Dr. Cornel West, Dr. Richard Wolff...the list goes on and on and on. These people brought so much insight to the state of our world. Professors, Journalists, people who have spent their lives working on the cause, a cause for a better future, one based in humanity and empathy. Michael was able to bring his own empathy for humanity into his interviews, asking thoughtful direct questions that got to the heart of the issue-- while simultaneously bringing levity to a serious topic by making jokes in the voice of Gandhi, Mandela, Obama, or Bernie, to name a few. He, fucking, got it man. He understood how the world was connected. He understood that we are ALL humans, and that we all deserve to be treated with dignity, and he understood that Marx was right about a ton of shit and he wasn’t scared to remind you of that. 

Michael, for me, was an exemplar. He was a role model. I looked up to him. I had no idea he was only 13 months older than me, I thought he was probably in his early 40’s just based on the amount of shit that he knew. My personal 10 year goal was to be on his show. I wanted to either become a writer or go back into academia. I even wrote into a show a couple of months back and asked him which was a better choice. He was honored to be asked such a heavy question but didn’t feel comfortable giving that kind of life advice and I don’t blame him. He recommended that I continue teaching high school if that’s what I enjoy doing, and I do, and I likely will. He has shown me how to speak up for ideals that are right, regardless of what people think. Like, I understood that in the abstract, but watching someone do it multiple times a week really put it in my head that I need to advocate for my position publicly. I tell people that I’m a marxist- which in Texas is unheard of, even among leftists. Mostly due to people not understanding labels and what that even means. So I tell them. Thanks to David’s weekly recommended readings I haven’t stopped reading leftist theory even though I finished grad school over a year and a half ago. If TMBS never existed I never would have had the opportunity to read any of that. 

My heart bleeds for Matt and David. I can’t imagine what they’re going though. I want them to continue, to keep the community alive in his name. But I completely understand if that is just too painful. 

I was thinking earlier, trying to find an appropriate historical comparison to his passing. There are many but as a North Texan, the one that I ended up landing on was the passing of Dimebag Darrell Abbot. He did a lot. He accomplished a lot in a short amount of time. He inspired many to do things like him. It was entirely unexpected and not one person, not one, has a bad thing to say about the guy. Dimebag was adored. He listened to people, strangers, fans. He was kind and open-hearted and treated everyone with respect. Which made it extra hard when he passed. The same can be said for Michael. For Michael, since Socialism is more than just music, he inspired us to educate ourselves, to ask questions, to remember the periphery-Latin America, Africa, and Asia,-- to remember history and value it, to be compassionate, to educate others and to be active in our own communities. 

He will be sorely missed. The one thing I keep telling myself is that his death has the potential to bring even more attention to his message-- to help further catapult this movement into something undeniable. To bring more awareness to how power works and to finally activate us to become, as Michael said at Harvard on Feb 1, 2020: machiavellian.

 “...we still have to put work into reminding everybody that (Dr. MLK Jr.) was on the left. He wasn’t a guy who came out once a year and said ‘everybody should treat each other nicely. ...The other thing I loved about this speech was he talked about the fallacy- that certain Christians misunderstand love as a seeding of power. And then Nietzsche came along and rejected christian morality because he thought it was denying someone’s vitality- the will to power in a healthy sense, and he said ‘Love without power is sentimental and anemic. And power without love is abusive and corrosive’ I’m paraphrasing. And that was when I saw, I thought, ‘well here, ok, we know the left-wing Dr. King. Well here is the machiavellian Dr King, and I love it.’ I want the left to have Machiavelli, so we can have the strategy, the ruthlessness, the clarity, to actually win these battles. And be ruthless with institutions. And then I want us to learn how to be really kind to each other, welcoming of a broad set, and actually have a movement that has the capacity to do that.”

Let’s do the best we can to make that happen. Educate yourself about power. Educate yourself about ideologies. Read Marx and Engels. Read Slavoj Žižek and Adolf Reed. Read Michaels book Against the Web: A Cosmopolitan Answer to the New Right. Don’t get caught up in identity politics. Never lose sight of class dynamics. Use this knowledge to educate others and make informed decisions. Register to vote. Run for office. Effectuate real change. Do the intellectual rigor that was happening on TMBS every week, multiple times a week. Thank you for all that you brought to us Michael, you will be sorely missed and I hope to see you at the clearing at the end of the path. 

Anthony Sosa

7-21-20

[kodzukuroken]

Seasons change, but people... Do too I guess.| Prologue

Summary: You and Tsukishima had been friends for years but upon the arrival of a very special invitation, your relationship takes a sudden change. Will your long-harbored crush for your best friend finally come into the light? Or will your relationship be altered for good?

Aka, Reader is an artist who is in love with Tsukki, there's angst, there are laughs, there are three established captain relationships! What could a person want?

Pairings: Tsukishima Kei x Reader (Kuroo Tetsuro x Kenma Kozume, Bokuto Koutarou x Akaashi Keiji, Daichi Sawamura x Sugawara Koshi)

Warnings: Drinking, Swearing, Eventual Smut

Read On AO3 | This will update before Tumblr

Hey guys! I’ve recently started writing fanfiction again so I created this blog basically just to have another place to store it besides AO3! I really love writing this story, there are currently 5 chapters out on AO3, so if you’d like to read past chapter 1 thats where you can find it! Enjoy! 

You’d known Tsukishima Kei for about as long as you’d been someone worth knowing. Growing up, you were a lonely kid, not really knowing how to make friends since you were so withdrawn. You spent most of your time in elementary school colouring, or making something out of nothing just to pass the time until you could go home and draw in your bedroom. It wasn’t until high school that you broke out of this loner routine of yours. When your parents first brought up the prospect of moving halfway across the country before starting high school, you were hesitant, but then you started to see the potential for a new start. You’d be at a brand new school, without anyone from elementary or middle school that had a preconceived notion of who you were. It was the truest opportunity to become the person you’d always wanted to be, you’d had it in you, you’d just needed the chance.

It was here, at Nekoma Highschool that you’d met Kuroo Tetsurõ and his best friend Kenma Kozume. From the moment that you and Kuroo met he had taken you under his wing, walking you to your first class after you’d been standing in the middle of the hallway with a confused look on your face. Kenma had trailed behind him, phone in one hand and the other in his pocket the whole time, without a word. From that day on, you’d eaten lunch with Kuroo and Kenma every day until Kuroo graduated and even after that, you and Kenma continued to eat lunch together every day silently until he graduated too. Eventually, you were eating lunch alone again. However, you were not wholly alone, you did have the odd few lunchtime texts to keep you company mainly from one tall, blonde Karasuno student that you’d met back in your first year at Nekoma.

The first time you and Tsukishima met wasn’t exactly friendly. You’d been dragged to a party by Kuroo for the end of the volleyball season.

“Since Kenma won’t come, and I can’t arrive alone” supposedly, but you figured it was more so because Kuroo knew you needed to start making friends outside of the two of them. You didn’t disagree with this, but you just wished he wouldn’t insult your intelligence by making up another excuse for it. You’d gone along, reluctantly, and had very quickly been left alone by Kuroo in the kitchen when he spotted Bokuto from across the room. He’d patted your shoulder lightly and said “I’m gonna go say hey to Bo (y/n), just hang out, talk to some people”. You’d known what he was doing, he was trying to throw you in the deep end. You loved Kuroo but sometimes his methods to get you to be a little more outgoing were less than orthodox.

“I’ve got to try and force one of you to be social,” he’d said to you one day at lunch “I’m not exactly gonna get Pudding Head here to do it”. He gestured a thumb towards Kenma who just barely looked from his phone to shake his head slightly. So that was it, for the next year of him being in school with you at least, you had become Kuroo’s project. It was sweet in a way, that he wanted to make sure that you had friends that could keep you company when he and Kenma would eventually have to leave but you don’t think he’d ever had Tsukishima in mind when he thought about you attaching yourself to any of his friends. But nevertheless, when you strolled awkwardly into the kitchen that fateful day, Tsukishima was the first person you made eye contact with.

You can remember it like it was yesterday, he was leaning up against the counter, a red cup in hand scanning the party through the door with a completely indifferent look on his face. When his eyes landed on you, he could not have looked less interested in engaging you socially in any way but despite the completely uninviting look, you swallowed hard and walked over to him slowly.

“Hi,” your voice was light and a little anxious, but he didn’t seem to notice. In fact, he barely noticed anything about you, he just looked straight through you. There was nothing particularly malicious about his gaze, it was just one of complete disinterest in your existence. You had begun to wonder whether you should introduce yourself when Kuroo and Bokuto came laughing into the room.

“(y/n)!” Bokuto exclaimed loudly, you smiled, glad to be in the presence of someone a little friendlier.

“Hey, Bo! It’s good to see you again,” you said a little louder than the greeting you’d given Tsukishima and stretched your arms out letting him hug you, taking your whole body in his giant form. You’d only met Bokuto a handful of times when he’d accompanied you and Kuroo to hang out when Kenma wasn’t feeling it, but he’d always been very kind to you. You figured that that was just the type of person that Bokuto was, the type to become best friends with everyone instantly. You wished you could be like that.

“I see you’ve met Tsukki!” Kuroo smiled gesturing to the blonde in front of you.

“Uh yeah, kinda I’m (y/n) by the way” you started to stick your hand out but Tsukishima just looked at it like it was some kind of dead animal so you let it fall back to your side.

“Oh come on Tsukki! Be nice!” Bokuto exclaimed, slapping him on the back which caused Tsukishima’s lip to curl a little. Just then, you heard someone call Bokuto and Kuroo from the back yard, where it seemed most of the party was taking place. They both began to follow the source of the voice before Bokuto turned around again and walked backward and pointed at Tsukishima. “Be nice!” he called again this time Tskukishima rolled his eyes, looked you up and down, and finally talked.

“C’mon, let's get you a drink so you don't look so awkward”. You’d followed Tsukishima to the other end of the kitchen to where the drinks were, you waited silently while Tsukishima poured something fruity-looking into a cup and thrust it towards you. You took it and inhaled it a little, an unmistakable scent had hit your nose.

“Alcohol?” you asked him, instantly regretting how innocent you sounded. He’d looked at your eyebrows raised with the tiniest curve in his lips that you would have missed if you weren't fast enough.

“That’s kind of what makes it a party,” Tsukishima said, placing his own cup to his lips and taking a swig. You followed suit. The liquid tasted like candy but burned your chest as it went down.

“It’s good,” you smiled, trying to be friendly.

“It’s sugar and alcohol,” he replied in a deadpan tone “those things tend to mix pretty well”. You nodded in agreement. You both stood in silence for a few minutes, listening to the faded music that was coming from the living room before he spoke again.

“So what are you anyway?” You looked up from where you’d been staring at your shoes and met his gaze.

“Sorry?” he rolled his eyes and leaned in so his mouth was close to your ear.

“So what are you? Nekoma’s manager or something?” his voice was low and it sent a small shiver down your spine.

“Uh no,” you replied, “I’m just friends with Tetsurõ, we go to school together”. He didn’t make any attempt to reply for a while, but eventually he looked like he had gotten bored of watching his teammates dance around in the living room and turned his attention back to you.

“So what do you do?” he asked, you were a little confused by the question.

“What do you mean?” you replied, trying to make sense of the character in front of you. He began to look annoyed again. Man this guy didn’t have any patience you’d thought.

“Well, I play volleyball. Middle block and most of the people here do that too.” he looked out over the crowd in the living room again, a small guy with black and blonde hair was downing some kind of beverage and everyone was cheering him along. Then he turned his gaze to you and asked again.

“So what do you do?”. You paused for a moment, you’d never been asked something so existential before, especially not by a complete stranger, but the answer seemed like a pretty obvious one nonetheless.

“I make art,” you said, meeting his golden eyes again. For the first time that night, he didn’t seem annoyed by your presence. He seemed, dare you say, interested in you. He raised an eyebrow at you,

“Are you any good?”

After that, the two of you spend the rest of the night chatting, or as much as could be considered chatting when it came to talking with Tsukishima. There were multiple times when you’d spend minutes on end in silence, but neither of you seemed to mind and at the end of the night when Kuroo came looking for you he seemed surprised you’d managed to put up with Tsukishima for the entire night.

“I can barely put up with him for a few hours of practicing, you spent an entire party with the guy!” he laughed and shook his head as you walked home together under the inky summer sky.

The next time you hung out with Tsukishima was at Kuroo’s place. He’d invited a bunch of people over on a long weekend for a movie marathon, it was one of the few events that Kenma had agreed to attend since it didn’t really require him to socialize at all. He could just sit, knees hugged to his chest leaning against Kuroo as you all watched countless movies in the dark together. About halfway through the night, you’d gotten up to go to get a drink in the kitchen when you’d heard someone walk in behind you. You turned and saw Tsukishima looking more annoyed than usual. In his hand he was holding his glasses, one of the arms had broken off from its hinge. He clicked his tongue in annoyance and muttered a small “Dammit” under his breath.

“What happened?” you asked as though you weren’t already aware of his presence. Apparently he actually wasn’t aware of yours either as he looked up a little startled before relaxing back into an annoyed face.

“They just broke in two, I didn’t even do anything.” You put down your drink and walked over to where he was standing before reaching out your hand.

“May I?” you asked, he nodded and handed the glasses to you. Look studied them for a moment before nodding and adding a “Yup!”.

“Yup? What does that mean?” he asked, arms folded still just as frustrated as before.

“I can rig these until you’re able to get home to fix them for real, or get new ones”.

“Really?” there was a genuine interest in his voice now and you rolled your eyes at the boy's distrust in your abilities. You walked back towards the living room and popped your head around the door.

“Hey Tetsuro, I’m gonna go back to my place for a sec. Tsukki’s glasses broke and I’m gonna fix them for him til’ he can replace them.” Kuroo didn’t reply, he just gave you a thumbs up with the hand that was now wrapped around Kenma’s shoulder. You shook your head and wondered when those two would ever actually act on their feelings.

“Wait!” Tsukishima called from behind you and followed you out into the hallway where you were heading to the door. “Where are you going?”

“Oh, my house is like a minute away. I don’t have the supplies here to fix these, Tetsurõ is unsurprisingly not very crafty” you replied. Tsukishima shook his head and furrowed his brow.

“No way, I barely know you. I’m not trusting you with my property.”

“I’m not going to steal your glasses Tsukki, calm down,” you said rolling your eyes.

“It’s Tsukishima,” he replied, “and I’m coming with you”.

“Fine, let's go asshole” his lips curved slightly at that. “We’ll be back!” You called.

“Kay!” Kuroo replied.

“Bye Tsukki-poo!” Bokuto yelled which made you giggle and made Tsukishima scoff as you walked out the door.

You’d walked to your place in virtual silence, you’d offered to guide Tsukishima with your hand on his arm since he wasn’t wearing his glasses but he’d just said

“I’m not wearing my glasses, I’m not completely blind” which you’d taken as a no. When you got to your house, you unlocked the door and were greeted by the emptiness, your parents were out of town often, one of the reasons you’d always enjoyed hanging out at Kuroo’s place, there was always more company there. You headed up the stairs to your room and Tsukishima followed you, when you got to your room you headed straight to your desk and flipped on the small desk lamp. You looked at Tsukishima’s glasses with more intensity now, he stood behind you silently for a moment, before asking.

“Well, can you fix it?”

“Hand me that box” you waved your hand behind you at the small plastic box that was on the ground, propping up a pile of canvases, each with its own discarded painting on it that you’d abandoned for a myriad of reasons with every intention of getting back to. Tsukishima picked up the box and handed it to you letting the canvases clatter to the ground.

“You should really clean up here, having a messy workspace is counter-productive,” he said, looking around your room, which was littered with empty spray paint cans, old paint water jars and discarded sketchbook pages.

“Hey I don’t come to your gym and start criticizing the way you bounce the ball around,” you say, fully immersed in rooting around in the box he’d handed you.

“That’s basketball, there’s not really much bouncing in volleyball. I’m surprised you don’t know that being around Kuroo all the time” he replies, tone flat.

“Not much of a sports person, so he doesn’t even try with me anymore” you’re applying a small amount of clear glue to the arm of his glasses now and line it up with the rest of the glasses and hold it there for a few seconds while the glue dries. Tsukishima stands behind you silently, watching how your face stares intently at the project in your hands, he wondered how someone could be so entrenched in gluing two pieces of metal together. After a few moments of silence, you jump up from your desk chair.

“That should do it!” you say turning and place the glasses on Tsukishima’s face. He tenses at the sudden contact but relaxes when he realizes what you’re doing. He blinked for a minute as his eyes adjusted to his glasses but once he realized they weren't going to fall off again he pressed his lips together and looked at you.

“They’re pretty ok, I guess” you chuckle a little, amused by the lengths this guy would go to not to be nice to you.

“You’re welcome Tsukki-poo ” he shoots you daggers.

“ Don’t call me that” he replies, and hold up your hands in defense.

“Okay fine, then what should I call you?” you ask.

“My name is Tsukishima, that's when everyone calls me”

“But that's no fun! I want my own name for you!” You wiggle your eyebrows a little, and he rolls his eyes.

“Fine… my first name is Kei” you smile brightly, you hadn’t expected him to comply so easily but you figured it was his way of repaying you for your help.

“Well then, you’re very welcome Kei ” you giggle a little after saying it and he sighs.

“God I’m regretting this already”.

From that moment on you and Kei had become closer than you’d ever been with anyone before. In your final year of high school you would spend your lunch hours sketching Nekoma’s buildings and texting Kei, which wasn’t exactly what Kuroo had intended when he’d wanted you to make friends but he was happy with whatever worked for you. Eventually, when you both went to university it just kind of worked out that you both went to the same school. Albeit Kei was a business major, who lived on the fancy side of campus taking financial classes and classes that required a lot of studying. While you were an art major, living on the older side of campus spending your time painting and attending classes on impressionism. You still spent most of your time together though.

You would sit in Kei’s dorm, perched on the sill of his window sketching the old campus buildings while he studied fiscal years or whatever you really didn’t have much of a clue what he was really doing, but it worked. And when you both moved to the city after you graduated, it was pure coincidence that you would start working at a gallery that was just a few streets from his new big fancy corporate internship. You’d even be lucky enough to get a workspace above the gallery for a reduced price because of your employment there, and Kei and your apartments just happened to be within walking distance of each other.

Looking back, if you were a more spiritual person you would have thought that the universe was trying to push you together at any opportunity it got, like it was giving you a sign that the two of you should be more than just friends. But after almost seven and a half years of friendship, nothing had ever moved past just that with the two of you. Sure, it was a very intimate friendship, but it never went beyond that. You’d spent countless nights tossing and turning, thinking about what could be between you two, but you always came to the same conclusion. You didn’t want to hurt your friendship. So you’d left it at that, you were happy with your and Kei’s friendship. Of course part of you would always want more but you decided that it wasn’t even worth considering since he had made no attempt to express that he felt the same.

That was until one day when you got a rather official-looking envelope in the mail.

[shikai-the-storyteller]

WFC: Siege watch!

Part 1: Episodes 1, 2, and 3

[Part 2] (Linking because Tumblr isn’t even showing the post on my blog or on my dash 🙄)

As a side note: every single person in this fandom is horrible at tagging their spoilers, you guys really need to do a better job at that because I’ve got a bunch of blockers on and I was STILL almost spoiled multiple times. Come on you guys...it literally came out today, be better about this.

Alright going to try and keep expectations low because I feel like the target audience for this is G1 dudebros who take a series about transforming cars way too seriously, but I’m still cautiously optimistic because a friend vetted for the dudes working on this show so WE”LL SEE

Episode 1

Aw man there’s only 6 episodes??? Bummer, I wonder if they’re already working on Season 2 or if they’re going to see how this does and let it die in the water if it’s not popular enough.

Things I know going in: Skyfire / Jetfire is in this, Megatron has big lips, and Elita is in it. That’s literally it, I’ve managed to avoid spoilers thusfar (though a few of the promo images implied Skyfire’s a Decepticon, so you KNOW that’s gonna break bad eventually)

WHEELJACK Wednesday THURSDAY

OH MYG OSH IS THAT SKYWARP??? EXPECTATIONS ARE NOW SKY-HIGH

The transformation sequences look so reminiscent of those stop-motion videos people do of their Transformer toys transforming. This isn’t a dig at the animation style, I think that’s rather charming and I wonder if it’s intentional.

Wow Bumblebee sounds like a jerk. I’m instantly on-edge, please don’t make all the characters ~hyper-masculine mean guys who don’t know how to have fun or talk about their emotions~

“The Autobots aint paying you for attitude” YOU TELL HIM WHEELJACK

Yooo Velocitron exists!

Ahh so Bumblebee IS just a mercenary, not an Autobot

OHOHO HERE”S JETFIRE

Wow Jetfire you’re really going the bad dude route huh

Ayyyyyy there’s Starscream

YOOO THERE”S THUNDERCRACKER

Thundercracker I appreciate that you’re using fancy tech to identify wheeljack but his Autobot badge is literally Right There

WTF

WELL THAT DIDN”T LAST LONG HUH...that’s a bit disappointing

OH NVM THAT WASN”T A HEEL-TURN THAT WAS JUST A STRAIGHT UP “I”M THE BOSS” MOVE

huh so they’re making Skyfire the target of Starscream’s desire for power. hmm

WHY ARE YOU GUYS RUNNING JUST TRANSFORM INTO CARS unless they’re too low on energon to do it??

There he is...Mr. Big Lips

Well that’s a surprising take Megatron

Isn’t that Cybertron and Luna 1 in the sky though?? Are they on Cybertron rn or not??

Megatron’s voice is really throwing me off, if it weren’t for his helmet and color I’d really think that was Overlord

ITS TRUCK DAD

OHOHO HE SAID THE THING!!!!

Why does bumblebee have lips too

“What do you know of slavery?” Alright that line did make me go “OHHHH”

“Alpha Trion would be ashamed!” “Of us both, I think” ouch, but nice to see Alpha “Grandpa” Trion back in a series

Megatron PLEASE don’t say “I’m enjoying this, Prime” in that voice while I can hear Optimus groaning in the background

AYYY ELITAAAAAA

Why are the Seekers chasing these guys, who are running on foot, ON FOOT??? CHANGE INTO YOUR DANG ALT MODE

WHEELJACK SWORE

man I’m only like a few minutes in and I’m already bored. I’m going to watch the whole thing, but I feel like this is really lacking soul or personality so far. It very much feels like the script was written by people who aren’t familiar with these characters, so they’re writing them how they EXPECT them to sound, not writing them as they actually are. It’s more than a little disappointing, but this is only the first episode, so I’ll keep going and see if this is consistent throughout the series.

Oh man, just listening to Elita you can tell she was written by a dude. Oof.

There’s the Ark!

Dang everyone’s running low

Jeez Optimus and Elita wouldn’t just walk by all these injured Autobots!

And Optimus wouldn’t brush off his officers!! Agh!!!

YO Ultra Magnus!

Chromia!!!!!

oh my gosh is THAT Red Alert??

Hey where’s Ratchet though

Gosh the writing is so STIFF!!!! I can’t stand this, if I wasn’t a die-hard Transformers fan I would’ve bounced a few minutes ago

 It might also be the way the VAs pause between words, please speak normally, these constant pauses between words are frustrating

Ok but where the frick is Soundwave

“His arrogance I actually like” pfft

Annnnd here comes Ultra Magnus to accept the treaty on Prime’s behalf, where he’ll get held hostage and probably wind up beefing it.

Episode 2

SOUNDWAVE!!!! BABY

And Shockwave!!! 

YO SKYWARP ACTUALLY GOT A SPEAKING LINE

I want to know where Megatron got all this fabric for those stupid flags and where Ultra magnus got that cloak

Is. Is that Prowl with a weird paint job

Wow bad aim dude

Ultra Magnus you dummy....

Ok but if it was a battle then who were they fighting against???

Wow you’re really just gonna stand there and take that Magnus?

I know they’re on a time-crunch because they only have 6 episodes, but they have to do more to make me care about the characters. I’m inclined to care about them already because I’m familiar with the series and because as a stand-alone, even I’m like “Ok. So?” whenever new problems come up for them. I’m not invested!

Not to compare the two, because I feel like this entire liveblog will turn into a comparative essay, but Cyberverse got me invested in characters within the first episode! They were on an even TIGHTER time-crunch because their episodes were only 10 minutes, and yet they did a great job weaving a tight narrative and making good use of their time to tell a story and have characters charm the audience.

Optimus: Til All Are One Rodimus, coming out of nowhere: TIL ALL ARE ONE

WELL THAT”S NOT THE VOICE I WAS EXPECTING FOR SHOCKWAVE he sounds a bit reminiscent of his TFA version

What does de-rez mean

Ok but that’s assuming that this thing will automatically reprogram them?? Reformatting doesn’t automatically mean someone will turn into a Decepticon!

You know, there’s a lot of talking in the show but the dialogue doesn’t actually say a lot. It doesn’t reveal much about the characters or tell me who they are.

YOOO THERE”S SOUNDWAVE

AUDIO BOOB

It really annoys me that characters always pause after saying “I”. It’s always “I.........[long pause] rest of their sentence.”

what do you mean “Teams” Optimus there’s like 5 of you guys

I love you Soundwave!!!

Whoa wait was that Impactor in the background?

ughHHHHHH I HATE THAT MY BIGGEST PET PEEVE IS “what have you done?” SAID UTTERLY MONOTONE WHEN IT’S NOT EVEN A BIG DEAL!!! YOU CAN”T FLIP THAT LINE OUT WITHOUT ACTUALLY PUTTING IN THE FOOTWORK TO EARN IT!!! AGH!!!

Again, it feels very much like the writers read the wikipedia page for Transformers and maybe the first sentence of each character’s bio page and then wrote the entire script from there. It’s frustrating. I hate being so severe in my reviews because I hate dunking on my fellow writers because they don’t always have final say in what happens, but this is astonishingly poor writing.

Like, I can see what they’re TRYING to accomplish, but it feels like they whiff so badly.

YO IT IS IMPACTOR

oh thats Barricade that’s why I thought that was Prowl

Chromia!!!! My darling!!!! I can’t believe there’s only two girls in this show so far

Oh that’s Cog, I wasn’t sure if that was Beachcomber or what

Nice one Chromia

Oh is that Mirage?

Ugh ANOTHER WRITING PET PEEVE: Constantly having characters start to say something but then then their dialogue gets cut off. It’s fine if it’s once in a while but over and over it’s annoying

I also feel like a lot of the VAs lack...emotion. They don’t emphasize the lines. Like, “Get him into the repair bay” is one example. Depending on how you emphasize certain words in that sentence, you can infer a lot! Emotion, the state of mind of the character, etc. But when it’s delivered in such a bland way, it’s a bit like “ok whatever”, which is how I’m starting to feel about this whole show. This doesn’t go for all the VAs or all lines, but it’s consistent enough that my mind’s wandering.

RAVAGE??? RAVAGE???? RAVAGE?!?!?!??!?!

It was probably Bumblebee.

Not to be nitpicky but it should be “Neither we nor the Autobots”

The idea of reformatting is so stupid!!! It implies that Autobots and Decepticons are inherently different, which is stupid!! It’s so dumb WHY DO YOU GOTTA GO THAT ROUTE IT”S SO STUPID (ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY”RE TACKLING THE TOPIC OF OPPRESSION??? THEY”RE SAYING THEY”RE LITERALLY DIFFERENT SPECIES AND USING IT AS A PLATFORM TO SAY ONE GROUP IS INHERENTLY BETTER THAN THE OTHER. THAT SUCKS)

Episode 3

RATCHET!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lmao love your lipgloss Megatron

Ohh is Ratchet going to fix Impactor??

PROWL??? HE”S SO SHORT

Gosh please, please don’t have humans in this show

lmao Skyfire called Starscream a tool

RATCHET!!! :D

I’d like to see who was on the writing team of this show

Isn’t that Mirage?

YEAH THAT IS MIRAGE

Again with the sentences consistently being cut off....

Is that Sunstorm?

Points to Chromia and Mirage for showing the first bitof personality in this show.

Yooo Ratchet! Oof he’s not chummy with Prime huh

YOO CAMINUS EXISTS TOO

LMAO FEISTY GRANDPA

Oh Mirage come on

Actually no, don’t shut Impactor up he’s right

“I didn’t patch you up just so you could blow a valve here” *snorts*

Wouldn’t it be frickin hilarious if Magnus just popped open a panel and Minimus came out and just dipped outta there

lmao nice lightsaber Jetfire

LMAO “PULL THE TRIGGER MAGNUS”

JEEZ JUST PUNCH HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE WHY DON”T YOU 

Ratchet is the ONLY character they’ve given personality in this show so far.

Jeez Mirage cool your jets

Oh for frick’s sake Optimus be cool

Megatron please stop torturing your ex boyfriend

Ok but who did they rise against??? Were there Quintessons in this universe too?

oh come on you guys

Oh boy something tells me Skywarp isn’t going to survive the rest of this episode

Oh jk, Skyfire just let him go. Well alrighty then

I’m not sure how they found the Autobot base, they implied that it was because of Impactor but that doesn’t make sense

This post is getting long so I’m going to spit it between two posts

[sebseyesandbuckysthighs]

Three Soldiers and a Baby | Part One

summary: Three handsome bachelors find their day to day operations disrupted when an unexpected new roommate (who comes complete with a diaper and a pacifier) shows up at their doorstep. How will they deal with this new and baffling responsibility without losing their minds or killing each other in the process?

pairings: Bucky x Reader (eventual) featuring Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson

warnings: none, this is all very introductory

a/n: Here we go! The start of something I’ve been working on for a little while and finally managed to finish! As this is being posted I’m actually on a plane from Greece back to Canaduh for 12 hours. Pray for my sanity and my knees!

*warning to mobile users, the “keep reading” tab may not work so apologies in advance*

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 |

Late mornings were not typical for Steve Rogers, but that didn't keep him from enjoying them. By now he should have been halfway through his early run before heading back home for a shower and a large breakfast. Still, a break from his normal routine was not unwelcome. After rubbing the sleep from his eyes he turned to look at the empty space beside him. This was another part of his normal routine that he wouldn't mind changing; waking up alone. There was nothing he could do about that if he stayed in bed, though, so Steve tossed aside the bed sheet and got up from the hard mattress. After finding a pair of sweatpants to pull over his boxers and a zip-up hoodie to cover his bare chest, he made his way to the kitchen.

The Brooklyn apartment was by no means as large or luxurious as the Compound, but it was everything Steve wanted in a place. The area was great and central to a lot of local business. The bedrooms were a decent size and the living room and kitchen area was a large open space with floor-to-ceiling windows looking out onto the city. It wasn't the typical penthouse, but this entire level of the building was dedicated to just this apartment and the only way you could access the floor was by key. There were a few other security protocols set-up as well, of course. You could never be too careful. The last thing anyone wanted was an unwelcome visitor showing up at Captain America's front door. Not just his door since he also shared this space with two of his best friends and teammates. Having Sam and Bucky as roommates was just another great bonus. Well, most of the time.

Sam Wilson was seated on one of the stools by the kitchen island sipping from a glass of orange juice. His attention was seemingly fully focused on his tablet, but the second Steve entered the room all bets were off.

“Why did I move in with you people? What could have possibly possessed me to do such a thing? Desperation? Pity?” He tilted his chin upwards and pursed his lips as though really thinking about it. “Maybe I've just lost my damn mind.”

Steve rolled his eyes as he poured himself a glass of orange juice and took a long sip. “What is it now, Sam?”

“Not what...who.”

“Alright.” Steve conceded with a sigh. “What did Bucky do now?” Sensing that this wouldn't be short, or pretty, he took a seat at the counter beside him.

Last night the three roommates had gone out to a nearby bar. Not for any particular reason other than maybe seeing Bucky off before his solo mission. A few years had passed since his stint in Wakanda and after taking some much deserved time to himself Bucky agreed, however reluctantly, to return to active duty. There were of course some concerns, but it didn't take long for Bucky to prove himself and become a powerful addition to the team. His friendship with Sam was a little turbulent at times, but it was mostly due to the fact that they enjoyed pissing each other off. A night out at a bar was usually a recipe for competition.

“You wanna know what he did?” Sam said. “I'll tell you what he did. Picture it, a beautiful Saturday morning after a night out with no hangover in sight. No missions. No plans. No responsibilities. Just me and half a pizza in the fridge calling out her siren's song to me.”

Steve chuckled, but once he saw the lack of humor in Sam's eyes he cleared his throat, motioning for his friend to continue.

“So there I was, humming some Earth, Wind, and Fire as I made my way to this very kitchen when none other than the edgelord himself comes barreling into me. No shirt, no shoes, stinking of his nasty ass cologne from the night before, but wait,” Sam paused, pretending to sniff the air suspiciously. “There's another scent desperately clinging to life despite the overwhelming odds.”

Steve grimaced knowing what that meant. How out of it was he that he managed to sleep through the confrontation? “Okay so Bucky ate the pizza. It's not a big deal. Besides I don't remember anyone actually laying claim to the leftovers. You know the rules.”

Clearly, that wasn't the end of it though as Sam raised his hand in declaration. “Oh but it didn't end there! Barnes' reign of bullshit managed to completely ravage my entire morning in the span of twenty minutes. The guy is going for a record at this point.”

Apparently after eating the pizza Bucky then went on to finishing the last of the toothpaste, using Sam's towel to dry himself off after his shower, and topping it off by drinking the freshly-brewed coffee that Sam made for himself before Bucky was finally out of the door and heading for his mission briefing.

“He's back on his bullshit, Steve.” Sam folded his arms in front of his chest and stared at the other man. “Tell me this isn't about that girl still.” When Steve didn't answer right away Sam threw his hands in the air. “It's been two years! He can't still be hung up one girl.”

It was actually closer to a year and a half, but yes Steve did think it was about that girl. They never really knew who she was, only that for awhile there Bucky was the happiest Steve had ever seen him. He spent more nights away from home and would come back in the morning with a love-struck look that not even Sam could wipe away. When asked if they could meet her Bucky would dodge the subject or say it's complicated. Turns out it was a lot more complicated than they thought when he came home one day telling them that it was over. It was Steve's hope that during one of their nights out he would find someone new and move on.

“The guy just needs to go on a couple dates and get laid.” Sam suggested.

As much as Steve doubted it would be that simple he remained hopeful. “Did you see anyone leave his room this morning?” The other man snorted and shook his head, which was condescending enough to earn a unappreciative growl from Steve. “What I meant to respectively say was no. Barnes was solo this morning.” A sneer exposed Sam's white teeth. “Just like you.”

The blonde groaned and leaned back on his chair. He wasn't exactly doing any better when it came to finding love. There were girls he would see for a little while, but nothing that turned out to be more than just a fling. “What the hell is wrong with us?” Steve mumbled.

“What the hell do you mean by 'us'?” Sam scoffed indignantly. “Don't group me in with you two hopeless fools. I just so happen to be seeing someone.”

That got Steve's attention. “Bullshit. You do? Since when? Who is it?” The barrage of questions and disbelief in his tone did little to improve Sam's already sour mood. “What the hell, Steve? Do you know who you're talking to? Look at this.” Sam stood up, holding his hands out as he showcased himself with a slow twirl. Only Sam Wilson could pull off a silk robe and boxers set. “I'm a masterpiece. It was only a matter of time before I was swept off my feet and taken off the market by a beautiful woman.”

If there was one thing that could be said about Sam Wilson it was that he never lacked in confidence. Steve smiled at his friend. Sure, he was still a little shocked, but genuinely happy for the guy. “That's one lucky lady. What's her name?”

“Ah-ah. Nice try, Rogers, but these lips are sealed. ” He mimed zipping his lips shut and throwing away a key. “All you need to know is that she's a lady agent and she has good taste. Otherwise, I'm a man of mystery and I do not kiss and tell.”

Steve frowned. “But you're always prying into mine and Bucky's love lives.”

“Do as I say, not as I do, Cap.”

“Yeah fine, whatever.” Steve got up from his seat and made his way back to his bedroom to change. “I'm going for a run. And don't worry. I'll talk to Buck when he gets back.”

“Yeah, you better.” Sam called out. “Cause it he does just one more thing to piss me off, I will not be held accountable for smothering him with a pillow the next time he passes out on the couch.”

After three hours of running, Steve was on his way home and yet no closer to figuring out a way to help his friend. He scoffed and shook his head as he passed through the elevator doors. How could he help Bucky out of his funk when he didn't have a clue for himself? He was deep in thought as he rode up the multiple floors wishing that the answer to Bucky's happiness would appear before him. Though, when the doors finally opened to his floor, he was greeted by something that wasn't there when he left. There on the floor right outside of their door was what looked like a basket. A very particular kind of basket. One that shouldn't be sitting out front of anyone's door let alone the home of three bachelors. Before he could take a step closer, the basket started to cry.

part one >> part two

a/n: There we have it, the series has begun! What did you think? Are you ready for what comes next? I hope you liked it and are as excited as I am for more! 

Feedback is always appreciated, leave it here!

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[staliasjeronica]

Jeronica Headcanon’s Part 2

1: Who spends almost all their money on the other?

- Surprisingly, Jughead. He loves to find small items that would look great on Veronica and make it their thing, their item as a couple. Veronica spends money on Jughead by buying food and new clothes when his get messy from Serpent business. Still, Jughead spends most of his money on Veronica because that’s just how much he loves her.

2: Who sleeps in the other’s lap?

- Veronica loves to fall asleep in Jughead’s lap, resting her head on his thighs as she splays herself across the couch. Or, she’ll curl up on top of him and nestle her ear up against his chest so she can feel him breathing along with her, and hear his heartbeat. However, sometimes when Jughead has a bad day, he likes to stretch himself over the couch and lay his head against her lap so she can play with his hair. 

3: Who walks around the house half-naked and who yells at them to put on some clothes?

- Jughead walks around half-naked because society allows him to, and Veronica always tells him to put clothes on when they have people over. That does not mean Veronica doesn’t try to tease him by doing the same thing and parading around in her underwear while Jughead is trying to work.

4: Which one tells the other not to stay up all night and which one stays up all night anyway?

- When Jughead isn’t out all night for Serpent business, he always tells Veronica to come to bed, and not to stay up. But she used to be a party animal, she was used to staying up all night and waking up early in the morning to make herself look as beautiful as she always did with ease. It was almost in her blood, in a way. So, of course he’d wake up groggily and she’ll be up and making breakfast or scrolling through her phone while sipping tea and he’ll wonder how the hell she can do it without twenty naps throughout the day.

5: Which one tries to make food for the other but burns it all by accident and which one tells them that it’s okay and makes them both cookies?

- Despite Jughead’s affinity for food, that doesn’t mean he necessarily knows how to cook. He can make the simple, cheap foods like macaroni and cheese with hot dogs or ramen, but when it came to meals he needed… a little help. He wanted to get better, but that wouldn’t change just because he wanted it to. So, when he ended up burning the food, Veronica would help him clean out the burnt smell, tell him it was okay and that he can try again some other time, and then bakes cookies for them to eat while watching a movie.  

6: Which one reads OTP prompts and says “Oh that’s us!” and which one goes “Eh, not really”?

-  Veronica reads the prompts, Jughead doesn’t agree because he believes they’re all substantial to the relationship and not every one could possibly be them (but for the most part, it COULD be them if they wanted to)

7: Which one constantly wears the other’s clothes?

- Veronica. She LOVES wearing Jughead’s clothes, especially after sex because she looks absolutely stunning in his dark “S” shirt that was his favorite.

8: Which one spends all day running errands and which one says “You remembered [thing], right?”

- Jughead goes out a lot because he has to check in with the Serpents, so he will multi-task and get groceries and such at the same time. Ever since Jughead forgot to bring home the single thing he went out to get, Veronica constantly asks him if he remembered to get everything on the list.

9: Which one drives the car and which one gives them directions?

- Jughead drives because it gives him a piece of mind, and Veronica gives him directions.

10: Which one does the posing while the other one draws?

- Veronica poses, while Jughead draws. Playfully, she loves to say “draw me like one of your French girls” and they both just laugh. Sometimes, though, when Veronica wants to spice things up a bit she’ll switch her role and try to draw Jughead. Whether that be clothed or not, he appreciates her unique eye on his appearance (even if she’s not fantastic at drawing, it’s the thought that counts)

11: If they were about to rob a museum, which one does backflips through lasers and which one is strolling behind with a bag of chips?

- Jughead twists and turns his body in an attempt to not be caught by the lasers, and Veronica, knowing that this isn’t a movie and that it wouldn’t be that insane follows behind slowly while chewing on whatever snack she brought with her in the van.

12: Which one of your OTP overdoes it on the alcohol and which one makes the other stop drinking?

- Because of his father’s affinity for alcohol as he grew up, Jughead isn’t too fond of alcohol. He’ll still drink it for celebrations and certain occasions and whatnot, but usually he is always the designated driver. He has to tell the beautiful party girl to slow down, because he doesn’t want her to do something stupid that she’ll regret. She gets wild, and into the old mindset she wants to forget, so if angering her by taking away her alcohol is what he has to do, he will.

13: Which one likes to surprise the other with a lot of small random gifts?

- They both do. It’s a tradition for them: every month on a date decided the month before, they surprise each other with multiple, small gifts. Although, Jughead tends to buy more than Veronica.

14: Which one keeps accidentally using the other’s last name instead of their own?

- Since Veronica has liked her last name considering it was tied to her father,  she desperately wanted to distance herself from it so sometimes she would be trying out her name with Jughead’s last name and when introducing herself to new people she accidentally tells them she’s Veronica Jones instead of Veronica Lodge because she’s said it so many times that it’s almost true. Even if they aren’t married (yet).

15: Which one screams about the spider and which one brings the spider outside?

- Veronica screams about the spider, and Jughead helps it outside. Jughead, growing up in a trailer, was used to spiders and mice and such making their way into the trailer so unlike the pampered princess who very rarely saw any kind of scary creature, he didn’t mind.

16: Which one gives the other their jacket?

- Jughead loves to give Veronica his jacket. Mostly because when she returns them (even though he says she doesn’t have to) it smells like her.

17: Who keeps getting threatened by the other’s overprotective older sibling?

- Charles actually likes Veronica (and Betty isn’t older than Jughead) and Veronica’s sister is working with her father, so they don’t really have anyone to be the overprotective older sibling, but if this was an alternate universe I figure Hermosa would be incredibly protective over the younger sister she knew she had but hadn’t really met until. recently.

18: Who’s the first one to admit they have feelings for the other?

- Jughead was the first one to admit that he had feelings for Veronica. He fought with himself for weeks on end, trying to pretend he didn’t but eventually he couldn’t do it anymore and he just flat out told her. She was surprised, and he actually thought that she didn’t like him back because she avoided him the next day, but the day after she came back and apologized, saying she had to wrap her mind around the fact that he actually liked her, despite their rocky start. And she kissed him when he began to nervously ramble off about how he was shocked that a girl like her would actually be interested in a guy like him, and they went on a date and they began dating.

19: How good would your OTP be at parenting?

- Taking all the lessons she learned about her father, Veronica vowed to never become like him so she was strict yet understanding, and Jughead was more lenient, however together they were a perfect molding of a safe, loving, caring, respectful parenting duo who’s kids would know that they had rules, but if they simply asked nicely and cooperated, they were essentially able to do whatever they wanted.

20: Which one types with perfect grammar and which one types using numbers as letters?

- Both like to type with perfect grammar because they are lovers of literature and writing, but sometimes when Veronica is annoyed with Jughead she will text him using numbers and emoji’s and stuff like that because he’ll practically do anything to get her to stop.

21: Who gets attacked by a bully and who protects them?

- They both are bullied for different reasons, and they protect each other. When the football jocks mess with Jughead for being a shy loner, Veronica with nothing but her sharp words will bring their resolve to the ground. And when people hound after Veronica for what her dad has done, Jughead is the first to tell them to shut up because she’s not her father, she’s better than he could even dream of and if they have a problem, take it up with him.

22: Who makes the bad puns and who makes a pained smile every time the other makes a pun?

- Both like to make bad puns, but Jughead does it more because it makes up a lot of his humor.

23: Who comes home from work to see that the other one bought a puppy?

- Veronica comes back to see Jughead holding a dirty puppy, pleading smile on his face as he explains he felt bad that the puppy’s mother died. So they take it in and it becomes another addition to the South Side Serpent’s dogs.

24: Which one gives the other a piggyback ride when they’re tired?

- When Veronica’s feet hurt from her high heels, she hops onto Jughead’s back and he’s completely fine with it because then he can toss her onto the bed and make her laugh.

25: Which one competes in some sort of activity and which one does the overzealous cheering?

- Both are very competitive, so when it’s not (surprisingly) against each other, they are each other’s hype man and cheer their significant other on.

26: Who takes a selfie when the other one falls asleep on their shoulder?

- Jughead knows Veronica hates it when he takes pictures of her without her knowing (especially if she thinks she looks ugly), so whenever she falls asleep on his shoulder he takes a picture of her to show her how cute she is later, even if she doesn’t think she looks cute.

27: Which one would give the other a makeover if they asked?

- Jughead. He knows Veronica has incredible taste with everybody she meets, it’s her talent and so when he wants to dress up and look good for whatever reason, he asks for her help. Sometimes, he likes to imagine he never had the shitty childhood and grew up rich when she places him in a suit and combs over his hair.

28: Which one owns a pet that the other is absolutely terrified of?

- Jughead, because he’s a Serpent, rescues this baby snake that Veronica is horrified of. She told him that if it ever got out of it’s enclosure and it got stepped on, it would not be her fault.

29: Which one holds the umbrella over both of them when it rains?

- Jughead. Veronica’s tiny “rich person” umbrella does jack shit for rain or even sunshine so Jughead has to buy the big, bulky, usually “ugly” umbrella so neither of them end up soaked.

30: If your OTP went on vacation, where would they go and what would they do? Who would take the pictures?

- They would probably travel around the United States (for Jughead), and for Veronica, they’d travel to France because it’s the city of love  ❤️ 

I didn’t want to write so I decided to find more headcanons. I looked up “OTP questions and found this post so yeah! If you want me to take this down, just ask!

[moonliney]

I really don’t like her

 4.8K wowowow pretty good for the first post if I do say so myself ;)

 Genre: Angst with a hint of fluff, Idol!Au

 Summary: Yunhee has been BTS’s best friend since they debuted in 2013. 3 years later and stronger friendships than ever, she debuted with her own group as well and is now battling the stress of work, life, and her so called feelings for her best friend Jung Hoseok, also known as BTS very own J-hope. Let’s also mention that she is super naive and does not understand what the fu** love is until a certain girl from J-hope's past comes back.

 Really IMPORTANT author’s note and warnings: A lot of “oppa” usage (though it’s meant to highlight Yunhee’s young personality), these are MC instead of Y/N because I’m planning to make a whole series and having names for the girl characters help me keep track so please understand :), might be some confusion in the beginning but it will all makes sense in the end ( think of it like the Reply 1988 korean drama ish), for those who have kept on reading till here, thank you so much and as the great Jungkook said multiple times, “LET’S GET IT”

 Inspired by IU “ I really don’t like her” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4fAY-zesnQ

Month December, Year 2016 ~

Hip hop music pounded vibrantly from the practice room as J-hope, Jimin and Yunhee moved effortlessly along the beat of the bass; J-hope with his powerful consistency, Jimin gliding as graceful as an ice skater and Yunhee with her young yet strong charisma looking back at her in the mirror. They occasionally danced together every now and then when they weren’t busy rehearsing or producing new songs. It had been a while though as BTS was rising in fame internationally and Yunhee had just debuted this year from a girl group survival show so schedules were always packed.

“ girl let me know, girl let me know, although I know already everything is over” ~

The once upbeat music suddenly turned solemn and sad as J-Hope ran over to pick his phone up. Jimin turning seductively did a little body wave at the 19 year old girl who laughed, lightly pushed him back.

“ Yoboseyo...Nari-ah?”

Yunhee looked over at J-hope’s shocked face that was blended with confusion as his eyes started glazing, her being so close to him she recognized that as a hint of hurt in those pretty brown orbs. Not less than a millisecond, he blinked and his face now hardened to an expression Yunhee had never seen.

“ No, I’m not busy today…okay, we can go there...yeah just like old times.”

Jimin with eyes wide, scoffed and whispered to Yunhee, “ How likely of him to leave us for Nari noona. After what she did to him, I can’t believe he is agreeing to see her.”

“ Nari?” Yunhee wondered for a second knowing the name sounded familiar but no face appeared in her memory.

“ Nari, remember the one that broke up with Hope hyung for another man. He was so sad about it, he spent days dancing in the practice room trying to distract himself with Dynamic Duo songs.”

“ I can hear you, you know?” J-hope smiled slightly at the younger two who stifled with shock and a little fear of being caught eavesdropping. He then grabbed his jacket and looked over at them with his dimpled smile, “Sorry guys, I’m going to go now. It was nice practice, let’s do it again when we’re all free.”

“ Oppa,” Yunhee spoke up hesitantly as she walked towards him, “ where are you going? Are you going to be okay?”

Some people may have snickered at Yunhee for her bluntness but that was how she was, she had a tendency to say things straight up not on the basis of being rude but more on curiosity and child-like innocence.

J-hope leaned over ruffling her hair, “ I’m fine, don’t worry. I’ll text you when I get back.” He opened the door and walked out leaving the two youngsters alone, both of their expressions filled with concern at the thought of their friend seeing someone who had hurt him so badly.

Later that day ~

Yunhee sat down on the couch with a sigh as she stared out the window of BTS’s dorm. It was getting quite late already, 10:07 PM to be exact and J-hope wasn’t home yet. All of them had schedules in the morning and for both of them to not be at their respective dorms could cause quite some trouble for themselves. She, however, was more worried about her best friend. For the past 3 years of knowing him, she could positively say she knew everything about him and vice versa. She knew the basic things such as his favorite songs and food, how he liked his coffee, and could most likely predict his outfit choice for the day. She also knew the deeper things such as his struggles in making what he considered “perfect” music and the pressure that falls heavily on him if a dance performance was not performed well not only by him but all the members too. However, one thing that seemed to be guarded was his love life. He never spoke about it to her and she had even considered the possibility of him never having a girlfriend as he would have been too busy trying to debut. One rare occasion changed her mind though as Yunhee resurfaced it from her memory.

Month September, Year 2013 ~

It was about 3 years ago when the boys were filming Rookie King and Yunhee was still in high school, their friendship was only 3 months in yet it was possibly the strongest and most friendships Yunhee had ever had. The boys treated her well, most of them seeing her as a little sister with few exceptions here and there specifically, the maknae line who also saw her as a fellow prankster whom they loved to tease.

Humid air filled the warm autumn night as Yunhee walked to their small dorms bringing them dinner; the menu of the night being warm white rice and meat with fresh kimchi to top it off. The boys had just finished filming and she knew they did not have time and money to have a hearty meal so on some days, she would cook more amounts of her dinner to bring to them. Expecting to see 7 pairs of eyes as she opened the dorm’s door, she was surprised to only see 5. The 5 rushed over to her with grins as the scent of home-cooked foods filled their nostrils while she handed them over their dinner smiling at their silliness.

“ Where’s Hoseok oppa and Yoongi oppa?” Yunhee peered around at the tight kitchen. Namjoon engulfing his mouth with his favorite food looking as cute as a hamster, tilted his head at J-hope’s door  

Giggling, she walked to the pointed direction opening the door, “ Oppas, I brought dinne-.” She froze as J-hope looked up at her with his swollen teary eyes having Suga next to him with a hand on his shoulder, a sign of comfort. She quickly bowed apologizing and turned to walk out but the sweet voice of J-hope called her name letting her know it was okay to stay. As the young girl turned around, Suga stood up and excused himself out as he gave her a small smile leaving the two of them to stand in still silence, the air conditioning buzzing loudly like it was a full on blizzard.

“Hoseok oppa,” Yunhee spoke up gently as she walked towards him, engulfing him in the most loving hug she had ever given to someone. She didn’t know why she did it or if it was the right thing to do, but her grandmother had always told her that touch was the best form of communication to comfort someone when you didn’t know what was going on. Maybe her grandmother was right as J-hope hugged her back leaning his head on her shoulders. For some reason, this pained Yunhee even more than that time she twisted her ankle and thought she could never dance again. Her oppa was always calm every time she had seen him, yes she knew about his energetic bright side as his fans loved him for and he did have some of those traits in his daily life as well, but sometimes he was quite mellow and serious. Both sides of him Yunhee had loved but this new side of him, the hurt sadness tore at her heart the longer the seconds passed.

Eventually, J-hope let her go but still leaned over to stroked her black hair as he explained the reasons for his tears. Apparently, they had to sing some songs and talked about their past love on the new episode of Rookie King which was not a big deal for the boys except, J-hope had perhaps reminiscent a little too much of his feelings while singing Dynamic Duo “ Solo” leading him to fall into a abyss of what had happened with his past love.

Yunhee now sitting next to him leaned over to rest her head on his shoulder as she listened closely with understanding. The latter had never experienced this so-called heartbreak before but her love of melodramatic movies indicated to her it was painful and possibly the worst thing to experience. With that, she made a conclusion to stay with J-hope that night even though he had protested tremendously worried about her grandmother’s approval. The young girl brushed it off, a hint of her young rebellion showed through her grin and that night, they fell asleep facing each other, J-hope with his wounded heart and Yunhee with the thought to protect J-hope from this girl. In her dreams and reality, she engraved in her own heart that although she has never met this girl, she already didn’t like her.

Present 2016 ~

A rustling of keys snapped Yunhee from her memories as she peered over seeing a tired J-hope walk in slowly until he paused and noticed her.

“ Yunhee? What are you doing here? It’s so late, don’t you have a schedule tomorrow?”

She didn’t know what to say, yes she was worried about him but she worried about the other boys too when they came home late, however, not to this extent. This time it felt like her worries were not only about him coming home late, but Nari, their relationship, what she meant to him and everything in between. Her head started hurting at this new frustration occurring but she ignored it to answer his question, “ Yes, but I was worried. I remember you talked about N-nari ( the name being hard for Yunhee to say) and I… I just wondered when you would be back?” Ending her statement as a question was not the move, she thought groaning at herself, the headache now being a bigger problem than before.

J-hope smiled gently at Yunhee for her kindness, even at a young age, she always looked out for everyone and made sure BTS were always doing well as individuals and a whole. That is why he felt he had to owe her an explanation of what happened today, positive that the young girl would understand him.

“ Yunhee-ah,” he walked over to sit on the sofa and held her soft hands noticing a slight tremble, “ Are you cold?...No? Okay well I have to tell you something okay?” She looked up at him with her big round eyes and furrowed brows wondering if staying late was a bad idea after all. A moment passed before she nodded, afraid to hear, but as the saying goes curiosity does kill the cat.

“ Nari called me to meet up today because her dad passed away and their family was left with a lot of debt...she is still in college and her mother works at part-time job so they don’t have much money to pay it off and she knows I am the only person who could help her pay off the debt until she gets a job.”

“ So she is using you to pay off her debt?” Yunhee bluntly said with a sour expression.

“ No, didn’t you hear me? She is paying me back after the debt. It’s not like she only wants to reconnect for money, she knew me before any of you did.”

The young girl looked at him aghast and hurt at the fact he would even say that. He had never scowled her before no matter how many times she teased or pranked him with the maknae line, yet one girl from his past, the one that left him so coldy could make him turn against her in an instant.

J-hope seemed to notice her upsetness and started to feel guilty himself, “Yunhee-ah, you know this is just a nice thing I am doing for a friend. You are so kind-hearted yourself, you should understand this.”

The latter hearing those words directed at her ,as if she was a little child, stood up and looked at him. “ I do understand. You’re looking out for a friend and that is completely fine, it’s your life...wouldn’t want to get in the way of you and your long-time friend.”

“ Yunhee, you’re also my frie-.” “ I think I should go back to my dorm.” Yunhee hated herself for being so petty but at this moment, she was hurt, confused, and worried so with all those negative feelings, it unleashed an immaturity from her. “ I’m going to call my manager to take me home so don’t worry about it oppa.” Smiling slightly at him, she leaned over and gave a quick hug to prove to J-hope she was okay even though she really wasn’t.

Later that night, Yunhee laid on her bed holding the angel necklace J-hope had given her on her birthday. Feeling the little jewels bump against her fingertip, the girl sighed and sat up to grab her notebook. Emotions were something Suga told her to express through music if it hurts too much to say and at this point, she was feeling that as the early bothersome headache had now traveled down and created the worst heartache she had ever experienced.

Next week ~

Laughters and chit chats can be heard from Big Hit’s break room where the staffs and idols come to hang out, eat, or discuss different things like the new scandal that is occurring on the news, what concept would be best for BTS’s new comeback, Yunhee’s new rising fame in choreography to what foods taste best with soju and if Namjoon really lost his 3rd AirPod of the week.

“ I’m telling you, I remember I put it on the shelf before we left to perform and when I came back, it was gone.” The leader said exhaustingly, how he can lose so many things beats him but at this point, he was getting tired, the new AirPods just came out and for him to lose it 3 times already was causing him to worry about his mental state.

The rest of the members and Yunhee laughed and shook their heads knowing quite well this would not be the last time RM misplaced his AirPods.

“ Hyung, it must be a ghost ooooooo.” Jimin said trying to scare RM with the thought of paranormal activities happening in BTS’s very own dorm.

“ Ah, don’t say that. It scares me.��� V pouted cutely knowing he was also sharing rooms with RM and any ghosts that mess with the tall man would have messed with him as well.

Yunhee gave the sulking V a pat on the back, “ It’s okay Tae tae, ghosts don’t exist.” Though whether she was trying to convince him or herself, she was unsure.

“ Namjoon, you’re really lucky we’ve been making more money. How can you afford to spend so much on your lost things?” Suga snickered.

“ I told you it wasn’t-” RM paused noticing a lack of reaction from the otherwise talkative member, J-hope who did not hear a single word of what was going on, his face glued straight at his phone screen. “ Yo Hope, I know we see each other everyday but you’ve been nonstop on your phone this week. Yunhee’s here too so at least act like you are in this conversation with us.”

J-hope looked up at everyone who were now staring at him. “ What? Sorry guys, Nari just got out of class right now and was telling me about it. It’s so interesting seeing how people go to college and live their lives being just...normal.” He smiles, not aware of the maknae line rolling their eyes at him.

“ Nari Nari Nari that’s all he talks about nowadays.” V whispered to Yunhee as the latter increasingly grew more insecure. Is that what oppa likes about her? The girl thought to herself. That Nari was normal compared to their everyday idol lives, that she went to school with her friends or maybe had a cute part-time job as a barista and on some days, walked freely around without hiding and lived her life, that she was like new fresh air compared to the tight suffocating industry they worked in?

“ Yah Hoseok, tell me the truth.” Jin now spoke up a bit annoyed by the dancer’s distraction as well. “Do you like her? You talked about her a lot and we know you two had history.”

The previous loud chatters were now replaced with complete quietness and tension as if one little shake could disrupt the whole place as everyone waited for his response.

“ No, it’s not like that,” J-hope reassured them, “I’m over her, like you said what we had was history. Past. Done. I mean she was in my previous dance team so we’ve been sharing a lot of ideas and tips for choreography but it’s the best thing for BTS right now, a new outside perspective on our performance. If anything does occur with us, I’ll let you guys know. Like RM telling us about Luna, I’ll let you guys know okay?”

Some nodded while others mumbled in agreement, still not convinced this was just two friends catching up but it was better to hear from J-hope than nothing at all. One member, though noticed Yunhee’s down look frown so being the good older brother he was, decided to step up. “Yunhee-ah, do you want to go with me to my genius lab? There’s a new song I’ve been working on and I like to see your outside perspective on things.” Suga said smugly jabbing at J-hope’s reference to Nari’s outside perspective earlier.

30 minutes later ~

“ So then, I left because I didn’t want him to tell me anymore about him and his ex girlfriend. Do I want to know more now? Yes. Should I ask though? No.” Yunhee said while walking around crossed armed in the small yet beautifully designed studio.

The pale man sitting down now thinking for a minute before choosing his next words, “Why shouldn’t you ask? Yes, she had been in his life for a while but she left. If you think about it, you and her share the same amount of years knowing him.”

“...because it’s intrusive...and I’m afraid to know what he’ll say.” Remembering how he scowled her last week about Nari knowing him for a long time before any of them did throbbed at her heart, it wouldn’t have been the first time though as his words were repeated in her mind every night she laid awake since. “ They’ve known each other before he debuted and she’s from the outside world...she’s different. Plus she’s a dancer from his old dance team! She could possibly be the best dancer there is...” Sulking even more now, Yunhee sat down on the sleek couch. It had been a while since this so-called low self esteem appeared in her life especially since after debut, she was praised a lot for her strong dance skills and cheery charm but now it felt like none of that mattered in comparison to Nari.

“ Yunhee, I know Hoseok. Yes he might be enjoying time with Nari now but she’s not the one for him. Whether she is a good or bad person, it just doesn't seem right seeing them together. Hoseok deserves more…. but before you ask Hoseok about his true feelings, you should ask yourself that as well.”

Looking at him wide eyed, she repetitively shook her head. “ Oppa! I have no idea what you are talking about, I am just a concerned friend.”

“ So you’re telling me, your-” he stopped looking at the clock, “ 25 minute rant and pile of insecurity lining up in my studio was just because you were a concerned friend? Okay then.”

Yunhee glared at him before proceeding to stick her tongue out. “ Yoongi oppa, didn’t you have a song you want to show me?” “ No, I just brought you here cause I knew you needed to talk. Besides I don’t need an outside perspective on my new song.” The 22 year old boy smirked.

“ Okay, Agu S T D. I need help on this new song I’ve been working on though. I got the verses and bridge part first weirdly enough but I’ve been trying to make a chorus that really sums up everything. It’s going to be in the majority of the song so it has to be good. Please help me out.” Yunhee asked cutely and handed over to him the notebook she had kept in her bag as he flipped to the bookmarked section.

Is she still so great?

Does your heart drop just by a single phone call?...

Why is she calling you when she coldly left you?

It’s frustrating to see you pick up the call too

As I see you go through this, I still stick by you

For that, I’m the bigger fool

I’m the bigger fool for waiting for you

Suga after reading the song lyrics looked up staring intensely at the waiting girl who was also meeting his gaze , “ Oppa? How is it? Do you like it?...Ow!” Her blue notebook tapped lightly against her head by Suga’s hands.“ Yah, what kind of concerned friend writes like that? If I wrote something like this for Taehyung when he is being weird, people would ship us more than Sope….but it is a good song. I can work on the composing with you tomorrow if you can get the chorus done tonight. You’re at the right place, you just need to look further than the song and think thoroughly about what you want to convey.”

The younger smiled brightly and thanked him with a cheeky air kiss leaving the elder to blush and look away constantly shocked by her outgoingness.

Ah Yunhee, Suga sighed, why can’t you see your own feelings too? Why can’t you understand the one that deserves Hoseok is you?

The next day ~

A bright energetic Yunhee bounced on her way to BTS’s studio floor holding her finished lyrics in one hand and an iced green tea in the other. She spent the whole day yesterday thinking about Suga’s words and was finally able to finish the chorus, ignoring the little voice in her mind though about her feelings toward J-hope. She did not want it to ruin her day and after finishing her first full song, she was eager to see it come to life. As RM once told her, “ Better make use of your emotions because it can turn into something beautiful.” She was doing exactly that as she basically jumped out the elevator and headed towards the passcode studio.

A certain doe-eyed boy though stopped her track. “Noona? What are you doing here?”.

“Oh Kookie, hi! I’m going to Yoongi oppa’s, he’s been helping me write a song and I’m soooo excited!” The maknae now looked at her more wide eyed than before with a hint of nervousness as he shuffled around, “ Ah r-really? Okay, well just letting you know... Nari noona is here with Hope hyung.”

“ What?” Yunhee’s blood ran cold like the iced green tea that was condensing in her hand, “Why?” “ He wanted to show her around a bit, they were dancing together in the practice room and..yeah.”

 Dancing in the practice room...that was something we did, Yunhee thought miserably. “ B-but it’s our practice room, no one can just go in… it’s fine. Thanks for letting me know Kook. I’m going to go to Yoongi oppa now.” She then proceeded to walk past the worried maknae ignoring the tears welling up as he stared after her, him hoping there was a way Nari would be gone and everything would go back to normal.

Knock Knock...Beep!

The passcode unlocked as Yunhee walked inside quietly setting her things aside. “ Yun yun, did you fi- hey why are you crying?” “ Oppa,” Yunhee broke, running to hug the older male with tears rushing down, “ He’s with her here. They’re dancing together and I’m so sorry, I don’t mean to cry but my heart hurts so much, why does it hurt so much?” 

Yoongi cradled Yunhee in his arms, heart aching at the fact that the girl who was always there for them, the bubbly strong girl who never wanted to see anyone hurt was breaking down herself. “Oppa, is she going to replace me?” Suga froze then quickly pulled her back by the shoulder peering directly into her eyes, “ No Yunhee. No one is ever going to replace you, you’re our sister and no one in this entire world can make you go away… It’s going to be okay, I’ll have a talk with Hope but for now stay here and rest a little.” “... no, please I want to finish the song.”

Suga looked at Yunhee who was now standing up to get ready to sing the final touches. They’ve been working for an hour now arranging things together much to his concern but Yunhee had always been the type to get up quickly or in this case, determined to finish what she started.

Yunhee took in a deep breath, this was it. That last verse and then it would be sent to BangPD to see if he liked it or not. She honestly didn’t know if she wanted it to be sent though, the whole song being a little too close to home and personal for it to be her first released one, but some part of her was even more worried what Hoseok would think once he sees it. Would he know it was about him? Would he know her...feelings? Ugh, yes leave it to Yoongi and his damn Pisces energy to make her realize it, but she did in some ways care about Hoseok...more than a concerned friend.

No, she definitely cared about him way more than that. She felt happy when he was happy, she was sad when he was sad. Everything he felt, she took it upon herself to feel twice as much. If there was something on her mind, she would rush to him in less than a heartbeat and he was always the one she wanted to impress out of everybody.

 I like him...I like him a lot, Yunhee thought. He helped her become a better person everyday from his caringness and he was the one person who she would give up her dancing for even though her skills were her biggest pride. Yunhee chuckled lightly. Once emotions were opened they really opened the whole way, but now she has to focus and sing. Yoongi has been looking at her weirdly for a while now anyways, so closing her eyes and gathering all her new found emotions, all of the memories she shared with J-hope and the 11:11 wishes she prayed for him, started to use her ethereal vocals and sing the pitiful song.

How much did you like her to be like this?

How much did you love her to be like this?

What was so great about her?

Why are you like this?

How much did you like her to be like this?

How much did you love her to be like this?

How can you make me be in pain?

I’ve never met her but I really don’t like her

Yunhee let out a sigh due to all the pain and ache she had felt released in this song, it was like a part of her was free now. No matter what happens to Hoseok and her, she would trust in fate to do the bidding, as long as she was content and free she was going to be okay. Who knew fate would hear her that very moment though.

Opening her eyes, she glanced up and went stone rigid as the first pair of eyes she met were the most beautiful ones belonging to the recipient of this song itself, Jung Hoseok. And just her luck, standing behind him was also the muse, a small brown hair girl who could only be named as Nari. 

Guess this time Yunhee will really have to meet her and see if she likes her or not. Just great.

Part 2 https://moonliney.tumblr.com/post/619869275003453440/35k-of-pure-love-genre-fluffier-this-time

Aaaaand that’s a wrap people! Omg, maybe I should have put a warning that this would be really bad ahshshjsnahkgkfkfk but thanks for reading! feel free to leave comments or ask questions I’m open to answer anything :) quarantine got me being sooo lonely...bye!

[this-lioness]

Another bullshit update on life in general

Work has kept me busy, and I’ve been trying to get more done creatively and around the house, as well.

This was the first weekend in awhile I didn’t do any (or much) meal prep, since we had enough in the freezer to last us for all the dinners this week, and even a few lunches for Marc.  I made a dozen eggs, cut up and roasted almost 5 lbs of potatoes, and called it a day.

I cancelled the physical therapist, because between work, gym, housekeeping and trying to do something other than being a machine I did not have time for an additional two rounds of exercises every single day.  We were getting up at 5 AM, leaving for work at 6:30 AM, leaving work for home at 5 PM, getting home from the gym around 7, then eating for a half hour.  It was not going to happen.

We ended up cancelling the gym membership, because -- as much as we want to go -- we are just too tired and hungry after an hour-long commute to be like, “Yay, let’s do something tedious and exhausting for a half hour!”

The long term goal was to cancel the membership anyway, however.  I told Marc I want us to concentrate on finishing the sheetrock in the former “cat room” this coming weekend so that we actually use it for its intended purpose, which was exercise.  I have that barre I bought last year that I haven’t had time or room to use even once, and the treadmill and hand weights is just sitting and collecting dust.  So anyway, that’s the plan for next weekend.

We will also be fostering two cats in the next couple weeks, and trying to find them a home.  Long story short we met an artist at one of the galleries downtown, very nice guy, and his friend or nephew or I forget has recently knocked up his girlfriend and decided, “Well, we need to move and get rid of the cats I guess!”

So they’re two year-old sisters, and he wants them to stay together, which is fine.  Like Rosie, they actually look very young, like maybe only 5 months old.  They have never been to the vet in their life, so no shots, and neither of them are fixed, which means it will be on us to take care of all that before they get adopted out.  I’m sure he’s going to be a great Dad [/sarcasm].

When Marc found out that the cats needed a full vet workup, including spay, he was initially resistant due to the cost.  I said okay, if you’re not comfortable with it you’re not comfortable with it, and went upstairs to investigate our options.  The Walmart just opened up a “Vet IQ” clinic that does basic veterinary care, and we can utilize a local spay clinic for about $50 per cat, so on that end alone we’d be shelling out less than $300 (there’s always food and litter, of course).

After awhile Marc came up and was like, “I think I was a little hasty, I’m sure we can make it work.” After I told him the anticipated costs he was much more into it, so that’s good.  Hopefully we won’t have any trouble finding a home for them.

Rosie is doing well at feeding time in her crate!  It has not stopped her from being an absolute maniac spaz about food, but there is almost no growling at all while she eats now.  She goes in her crate, Marc covers it up with a towel, and she eats with seemingly less hysterical anxiety.  I’ll call it a tentative win.

Rosie, by the way, loves Bones. Bones can usually take her or leave her, although his tolerance level is much higher when she’s not acting the spaz, although you see moments of affection for her as well.  She greets him with a nice long body rub when they cross paths, and yesterday Marc caught him grooming her head.  It does my heart good.

At the risk of jinxing myself, I’ve been doing much better at bowling for the past few weeks!  I did decently at league on Friday, and when we went for our Sunday practice I had a series of something like 145, 106 and 140.  Considering I was lucky to break 100 a couple months ago I’m feeling very encouraged.

What has worked for me, honestly, is throwing out a lot of convention wisdom.  Marc has always been very patient with me, explaining game theory and approach and all that, but no matter how much I tried to put it all together it just wasn’t working.  And I was really, really trying.

Then, a few weeks ago, I was chatting with someone about Dyscalculia, and did a bit more casual reading about it.  I was reminded that it often causes issues with spatial awareness, something I can absolutely vouch for (I actually suspect it’s part of what’s caused me to have such persistent problems with perspective and anatomy over the years, although that’s a discussion for another time.)

So I started keeping that in mind when we play: I used the techniques that I knew were helpful, but in any aspect where I was supposed to do one thing, but consistently got unexpected and problematic results, I tried to go more by “feel”.

It’s hard to explain why this works, but it has so far.  Basically, I had to throw out the notion of bowling at “angles”, and became more of a straight-shooter, keeping in mind that my ball does have a tendency to hook left.  I got something like 3 or 4 strikes in one game on Friday!

Which is not to say that I’m suddenly a good bowler, because I’m not, but I’m better, which is what I wanted.  What’s annoying is when (admittedly well-meaning) people are like, “Here’s what you’re doing wrong!” and try to teach me about techniques which I already know, but which just don’t work for me.

This happened two weeks ago I think, and I’m sure the lady meant well, but she also was ignoring me when I said multiple fucking times, “I understand, but I have spatial awareness problems, that doesn’t work for me.”

Like, repeating something at me over and over is not going to make it any more true.  I hear what you’re saying, you’re just wrong.

So in other news I finished two more of the Mori Girl Cats, and that dumb little werewolf thing that was strictly for my own amusement.  (Someone was like, “That would make a great t-shirt,” and haha, I’m not fucking falling for that one again.)  I also organized the office / computer area of the Geek Room, we stashed away the last of the convention stuff, and it feels much more clean and open and neat.  A place I actually want to hang out, and not anxiously work while avoiding the pile of shit sitting behind me!

Last night I also installed Sims 3 and treated myself to a handful of expansion and “stuff” packs.  I only had enough time to create one Sim last night, but I already look forward to giving him a cold.

…*cough*...

Unrelated, but I meant to talk about something that happened last Wednesday, when I was out running my Mom around to her appointments and whatnot.

So… for anyone who didn’t follow me on Facebook or my old Tumblr, the short version is that my Mom and I have a very long and complicated history. She was not a very good mother, she is a textbook covert narcissist.  She was an alcoholic for many, many years which caused serious and life-altering problems for me as a teenager and young adult, and after she got sober she transitioned to a prescription drug addiction which further deteriorated our already tenuous and fraught relationship, and landed both her and my stepfather in financial ruin.

About a year and a half ago, to help save them from the road to homelessness, we helped them sell their old house and moved them to Bucks County to live about 10 minutes from us, in a mobile home park.  We helped them get it fixed up, we help with maintenance, running errands, etc.  It’s a very cute little house, and although it took some time I think they see that now, and that their lives are better off.

When they first moved up here my mother was still on prescription drugs, but she very quickly found that it was impossible to find a new doctor to continue prescribing her the same pharmaceutical cocktails she wanted.  And boy did she fucking try. She’s already changed doctors at least three or four times since moving here, whipping out her favorite refrain of “I don’t think this doctor knows what they’re talking about!” every time they’re like, “Yeah, you don’t need to be on a steady stream of opiates.”

Eventually the lack of drugs caught up with her, the withdrawal passed, and for the past year or so she and I have actually gotten along okay.  She is still, and always will be, a difficult person, and I worry about whether or not she’ll find a doctor to start filling prescriptions again, but until then things are… okayish.

Anyway, that’s the long back story.

Back when they were still living at their old house, Marc and I would periodically go to visit them.  My Mom was always drugged out of her gourd, so I fucking hated going, but I had to do my duty, and she made every excuse imagineable for why she couldn’t come visit us.  So once a month we’d pack up, trek over to her house, order take-out, hang out for a while, then go back home again.

Except my Mother would do this thing where, after the food arrived, she would put the plates out, and then she would continue to gather plates and reorganize the kitchen while everyone was sitting down, serving themselves and eating.  

Like, the food would be on the table, we’d all be halfway through our meals and well on our way to being done, and my Mom would still be in the kitchen sorting around in the drawers for a mystery spoon or bowl that she needed, then finding it, washing it out, drying it, realizing it was the wrong one, putting it away, etc.

Eventually she would come out while everyone else was finishing up, serve herself a tablespoon of food, eat half, and then talk about how full she was.

For a while we would be like, “Mom… everyone is eating. We have everything we need. We literally don’t need anything else. Just come in and eat,” and she would ignore us.  Eventually I just stopped caring, and let her do her thing while the rest of us ate.  The sooner we finished the sooner we could leave.

I don’t know how else to describe her behavior apart from manic.  Like, when it was time to order, if I asked her for a menu, she would bring me the menu, and for fifteen minutes after I had called to place the order she would still be rooting through the drawers looking for more / other menus.  She would get herself so worked up that sometimes while we were sitting downstairs hanging out she’d have to go up and be sick.

All this just to give you a sense of what she used to be like.

Anyway.  I’m driving her home from an appointment on Wednesday, and she’s commenting how all of us just naturally turn into their mothers as we get older, even though we don’t want to.  In that I stayed dead silent through this observation I think she recognized that I disagreed.  So then she moved on to how different some daughters are from their mothers, especially in the kitchen.

And she said to me, “Like when I cook, I have to clean as I go along, I can’t just put everything in the sink until later.  Remember when you used to come over to eat, and you’d say to me, ‘Mom, come and eat, the food is ready!’ and I’d be so busy cleaning up that I wouldn’t even realize!”

And I’m like, “....”

Because that’s not what happened.  That’s not even fucking remotely what happened.  So she has spun the reality where she is an out-of-control manic drug addict and spun it into a funny story about how she’s such a neat freak that she doesn’t realize it’s time to eat.

I was sorely tempted to correct her, but at the last second realized it wouldn’t make a difference either way.  She is never going to look back on her behavior with any kind of clarity, and trying to force her to do so would just make the day end on a sour note.  If she wants to live in delusion, that’s on her.  I can tolerate it, but I’m certainly not going to feed into it by saying something like, “Yes, that’s precisely how it happened.”

She’ll have to learn to interpret the silence on her own.

Anyway, I guess that’s it.  Greatly looking forward to getting home and having a nice night on the couch, or maybe playing Sims some more.  I may even make some tea.

I hope all of you are doing well <3