#evenn if this isnt serious writing

[alazysnail]

Im gonna be cringe and post something I wrote from 9pm-12am at night based on that lovejoy/los campesinos song. Be aware as I slowly lose my head as it gets closer to 12am. All of this was written on a whim from a shower thought of mine.

Knee deep at the (my) ATP (APT)

The meet was so sudden.

Just the average drunken girl you'd see at the bar, yakking her mouth off with her friends.

Just the average drunken guy, hollering loudly with his pals.

The moment of eyes crossing & making meet.

The common social occurrence, it happens to everyone at least once in life. The normal response would be to just turn away & awkwardly act like nothing happened, trying to show it wasn't intentional.. Yet… For a moment too long, we stared, and I could feel the rise of my chest, inflating like a balloon, lifting me. You seemed to feel it slightly too, or at least, the rubber caught you at your throat. A choak stammered from you. A light flush on your face.

Earth decides to draw back its gravity, and the gal swipes her head back to her friend group, gazing back one last time to snatch a look of me before fully returning to her blethering friends.

The balloon in my chest seems to pop, suddenly, and I am drawn back to mine. One is looking at me, a corner of his lip being tugged.

“Golds caught your eye, Los?” He simpers.

“Josh,” I grouse under my breath, covering my face with my hand as I feel my cheeks start to warm. He just laughs to himself. Ezra just looks at us, confused. She looks at Josh's K-Records tee. Usually we both banter at each other over whos a better artist from that industry. Still confused, as she's noticed I didn't take this moment to further banter with Josh, she leans over towards Josh to further inquiry.

I turn my head over, trying to advert eye contact with them, only to spot that girl again, murmuring to her friends as she looked at me. She saw me peering, jumping in her seat a bit, almost tipping herself over, before turning away again. She verbalizes something to her friends, supposedly trying to seem casual. They just playfully laugh at her.

“‘Ey,” Ezra taps my shoulder. “I think she likes you.”

“Mm? And what makes you say that?” I pester further. She just rolls her eyes. Josh tries to choke back a laugh. “Well, she's walking towards you now.�� She points over my shoulder.

And there you are, beauty and grace, as you make your way through the drunken crowd.

“Hey, uhm,” You stammer. “I'm Atare. You?”

From there, fate.

On the first day after, we were already sitting it off. So many dates & walks & talks. Every second I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper.

It wasn't long before we called it official. We were hanging out so much you'd think we were a married couple in a shared house.

Of course, in any relationship, we had our ups and downs here and there, but over all, we worked them out pretty well!

We were like a match made in heaven.

You were an angel.

And to think I would find myself here, slouched over, not on you, but my apartment door.

Heat was flaring my face as I fumbled with my pocket, trying to fish my keys. With each buzz that formed from the other, the more I wanted to just kick the door down.

I felt the loop of the keychain slide onto my finger, and snagged it out. I hurriedly flipped through the keys until, getting more feverous as the buzzing continued. I now hear how disheveled I sound. I sound like an overworked dog, begging its owner for some water.

My neighbors must think i'm sick, or insane, or maybe they don't care. I could care less right now too.

I finally got to the one with the green padded bow. I promptly slid it into the keyhole and turned the knob, pushing myself inside, slamming the door behind me.

A buzz. I toss my bag to the side.

A buzz. I'm yanking my coat off. I'm practically panting at this point. I truly am some dog.

A buzz. ‘Gosh, get myself together. Im rolling in my head like a mad man.’

I step to my bathroom real quick, starting up the sink. I toss some water on my face, trying to focus on my breathing.

In the mirror, I could see my sweat-matted hair, blood-shot eyes. I couldn't even tell which droplets were sweat, water, or tears. At this point they were all the same.

“Jeez..” I take some deep breaths, or as deep as I can hold them. I cough in-between some, but I get a hold of myself.

Another buzz alarms me once more. I push myself from the hung-over position on the sink and pull my phone from my pocket. I switch it on.

A notification, many actually, but it's all from Josh. I open them, and read them, and read, and read on.

Breaths were muttered, but all choked on. I feel a pinch at my lip, realizing I've been unconsciously biting at it. I wipe it with the back side of my hand, noticing a small smear of blood come with it as I pull away. “Gosh..”

I can feel the fingers on the back of my phone gripping tighter, like parenthesis, like the whispers of lies she's been feeding me. Something outside of the narrative.

-”She's been trying to keep it a secret from you, well, both of us I guess. She didn't want to hurt you. She was looking for a time to let you down more gently, but I guess it's too late for that now.”

It was obvious he was taking his time with it, grammatically checking each phrase. It wasn't like I pulled out my phone fast, and yet, it only made me feel worse. I could feel my heart sink to my gut as I continued to read further. That's all there was really left to do.

I hear a small crinkle hit the floor. I look over and see a small film paper next to my coat I had slung across the floor. Begrudgingly, I go over to look at it.

It was one of the photos she said got messed up in the printing process. Apparently, some guy sold her a broken Polaroid, so all the photos were pretty much blurred or unexposed. She gave me this one because it was the most clear of them. It was an image of our hands held together. Resentfully, I decided to look closer at this fallacy. It seemed so perfect.

Directly in the middle, the film stood pretty much clear. Hand in hand, blaring out. Everything still standing.

I looked closer and noticed the background, thought not quite exposed, seemed quite discoloured. She claimed we took this photo at the street show, but the ground seemed rather… yellow? No.. it wasn't concrete, it was sand. We've never gone to the beach before. I peer even further into the photo. Just barely, you can see a t-shirt. There was a logo on it, shaped almost like a shield, and a letter sits inside of it. The shirt looked like it belonged to K-Records.

I guess now, it slightly makes more sense why on that night she had so much sand falling from her insoles, chewing on your cheek every time it happened. She claimed she just went wandering out at the beach by herself the other day.

I thought it was cute.

She was always very mysterious.

I remember looking into her eyes. My heart felt so full. To see her smile and grin.

And as her grin loosend, so she could look me in the eyes, I noticed something felt off. Your smile seemed to be wanting to tell something warm and fuzzy, but your eyes, just for the second I got to see them, seemed to scream a different story, before you turned away to continue walking.

I now hear the words they cry.

I now know I am simply the B-side.

(Epic meltdown rahh im so angry RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH bang bang clash punching my pillow omg ugh le flop on bed RRRHGHGGHHHHHHHHHH)

“Not what ya’ like, it's what you're like as a person.” I mockingly parrot. “Heh..”

I've got to find other things to absorb my time, or I'm just going to drown in this mess.

That's one thing for certain.