#even with all my silly bills and my super silly wage

[mosquitinho]

bro i loooveeee not living at my parents anymore i love my new life in my small apartment with my beautiful gf so much. did u guys know that living on ur own rules very hard.

[sethredia]

got a minor yelling-at at work today, and my Logical brain is like "you did a lazy and your boss said dont do that again please, just dont do that again and you'll be fine, she likes you and the rest of the staff likes you too, and it was like a first offense and even if something were to happen your boss would talk to you about it first and you could make a case"

whereas my Anxiety brain is like "the next time i see my boss she is going to fire me and then im not going to be able to help pay bills because i cant drive so my available job application pool is super small and this was the only job in like three months that would call me back and it pays over minimum wage for really not a lot of work so me not doing the work today is SO BAD IM GOING TO LOSE MY JOB"

like yes my boss was a lil curt when she came in and was like "why arent you Doing Things" and sent me home a half hour early (le gasp (some things you see online as a youth stay with you forever even if they are as silly as le gasp)) but theres a difference between "im already sort of annoyed because i have to cover a shift tonight instead of being home with my family, and here i walk in to find an otherwise pretty-good-at-her-job employee doing nothing in the office" and "OH MY GOD IM SO ANGRY IM GOING TO FIRE HER" because hey. self. i love you. if she was that upset about it, it would have happened there in the moment.

anyway this has been popping up in my mind and hanging out like a physical weight on(in?) my chest since it happened and the internet says to journal about it if you think about the thing youre dwelling on for *checks article* more than three minutes??? which is an insanely short amount of time imho but like its been Several Hours so like. write it down i am doing. here. now. yay?

the other thing is i never do this on literally any other shift other than the ones i have with this one very specific coworker because she is. The Worst. like the vast majority of other people who work at this place are teenagers. its very much a high-school-first-job sort of work space that im stuck in because again it was the only place that would offer me a job that wasnt blatantly skirting what is and is not legal (i literally walked out, shaking, of a previous job interview after going "hey if youre not paying me to do this thing that is literally job training, this is illegal" and the manager laughed awkwardly like "no its an audition!" and i was like "you are literally showing me how to use the registers. this is an unpaid training, im Leaving"). anyway all this to say is that most of my coworkers are legal children. and this whole ass adult. like twenty-six and married adult woman. comes in and yells at my child coworker over not getting a call back about the application she put in. to the point where said child co-worker of mine comes back to the office where i was counting down my cash drawer before going home for the day, and calls her a cunt. and like i have never heard this girl say so much as crap before and we had a conversation when we first met if she was comfortable with me cursing around her because i would like to at least try to be conscientious about that sort of thing and she was like "you can say whatever, i just prefer not to while im at work" so i was like "oh my god"

AND THEN MY MANAGER HIRED HER??? FULLY AWARE THIS HAPPENED!!! so yeah already not a fan because someone who is willing to verbally berate a child is not what i would consider to be a good job candidate. but on top of all of that, she refuses to take any direction on how to do things. like we had to talk to her three different times about knife safety because its a kitchen, we have to cut things, therefore, sharp knives. sticking a knife in the sink and walking away is a Big Problem and she just wouldn't own up to the fact she was the one doing it (a recurring theme when someone is like "hey did you do x"). she also (theoretically. none of us except the store manager believes her) worked at a Much Smaller location in a different state that did things differently than we do because,,, thats sort of par for the course? there are similarities across franchises but things are going to be done differently in different places, that just Makes Sense. but because of this she just refuses to accept that things work differently here because 1. we do more business than that store (the place i work is the most visited store in our district) and 2. our store just does some stuff differently.

she also, before being hired, wanted 60??? SIXTY??? hours a week. in this economy????? bitch what are you ON about. sixty fucking hours a week. so because she had (again theoretically) past managerial experience at this tiny store in a different state, my manager who was desperate to have time to do more store overhead stuff and have time to see her husband and children, she hired this woman and is giving her as close to forty hours a week as she can. this has, in turn, shafted mine and everyone else's hours quite severely. like i went from like thirty hours a week to maybe fifteen if im lucky. its absurd and like i need this job to have money for things and for all the above listed reasons i cant just leave and tbh i dont really want to because it is fairly easy and its a rare food service job that is tips on top of wages, not tips as a part of wages, so thats like super nice but man. i dont like this new woman whos technically also my manager now but who i super duper dont respect at all.

hence. not. doing anything while she was on register at the front of house. and just. sitting. listening to a podcast. in the office. only for my manger to get in and go "hey. dont do this again. please go home now" which i feel bad about because i like her but i dont like the other lady and really dont want to have her have an easy time doing things. which is mean and petty and frankly childish but god damn it i dont think she should have been hired in the first place. also if we can get her to quit or be fired, one of my high school coworkers i like is turning eighteen and will be promoted into her job at the end of the school year and that would be better for literally all involved parties.

anyway. all of this to say. i cant imagine my manager will ever see this but like if you do. please know, i like you and i respect you and i know being in charge is hard and i do genuinely feel bad about today and i will try to stay engaged from now on but also You Know Who sucks so bad and i hate her genuinely and i do think you should fire her and promote said high school kid in her stead.

i think i do feel better now? like i know ill still think about this for like the next Several Days unless i talk to my manager about it the next time i see her but again. logically. it was a whoopsie that i will endeavor to not do again. however. my anxiety is a really big fan of catastrophizing and whoo boy is it putting in the work today gang. fun fact: i have problems falling asleep a lot because im haunted by the idea that my parents could die in the night and i would never get to speak/hang out/whatever with them ever again. i also worry about that to some level like 90% of the time when my dad is at work for. my anxiety and i are not friends and that coupled with my parents Aging and being in not-the-best health (like not Bad but not, y'know, Spectacular) means that sleepy-bye time is a Rough Time for yours truly. really just any time im forced to be alone with my thoughts for one reason or another

[musubiki]

Do you mind explaining coco and taffy's dynamic a bit? Why they like each other how they influence each other? I got on this coffy train like everyone else and plum forgot why HAHAHAHAHA

AAA OKAY YES I WILL EXPLAIN THIS BECAUSE THEY OCCUPY A GOOD 33.3% OF MY BRAIN BUT I NEVER TALK ABOUT THEM.,..

im gonna put it under a read more because SPOILERS GALORE for the webcomic, so if you wanna find this stuff out organically feel free to wait!! theres also some stuff in here thats a recent development regarding cocos personal goals that are very relevant to taffy, which is also spoilers, so dont click if you dont wanna know!!

anyway, on the surface personality levels, coco (as we all know) is a hardass, kinda dumb, ready to fight everything, super spunky, super rough, super badass cool chick, and taffy is the dark and brooding, emo but actually very troubled and very awkward around normal people, so the dynamic is badass chick/emo awkward bad guy

the reason taffy falls for coco (im leading with this because it happens chronologically) is that he is love-starved in every sense. he had no family/friends growing up, and since hes the only water mage, he was basically groomed by amanita into her personal kill-the-cat-witch machine, brought up believing the cat witch cursed his life and he has to kill her to save it. even then she was very distant, so the only other human interaction he has is at his night-shift job at the docks shoveling fish guts and scraping barnacles off ships to pay for food, where they basically treat him like the classic minimum wage/intern that everyone treats like shit (except for one guy, which ends up being limes grandfather). my mans has never know appropriate levels of kindness and warmth, and any time he did he treated it with skepticism and doubt.

when coco first meets him, theres a point where she shows him an act of kindness, and his brain doesnt know how to process it. between unfamiliarity and fear, there's a softness that develops for her that he has no idea how to control or suppress, so lowkey, it consumes him a bit. and heres a little tidbit of lore, but for magic users of any kind, the love they are capable of having is VERY strong, so the chances of any magic user (this applies to mochi and taffy) falling OUT of love is very unlikely. he’ll love her forever. he doesnt know how this happened, it just did.

from cocos end, there was no initial softness, and normally she ISNT the random act of kindness type. the circumstances of what she did for taffy that one time was very special. to begin, coco, at the beginning of the webtoon, is an orphan. her parents died about 2-3 years before the start of the story and since then, shes been under the care of her aunt and uncle. when she moves to wessport, she moves because she doesnt want to be a burden staying with them anymore, so she stays in her uncles old apartment so she can pay for her own food and bills, and they can worry about their kids (her twin cousins)

before her parents died, she had a really good relationship with them, BUT, she was still a delinquent kid. shed always skip class and/or be late, didn't do too well with grades, but still, her parents had a lot of love for her. anyway, a little while before they died, they made a little checklist for her to help her progress as she started to get closer to graduation. at first she was kinda “ehhh lame i dont wanna!!” but after they died, she found the list again, and decided to go through with it for them. among that list (but not all of it) was stuff like finding good friends, joining the student council, being kind to someone you dont like, and helping someone like her.

anyway, that one kind act to taffy checked off that point about “being kind to someone you dont like” and after interacting with taffy a few more times (including him saving her life despite kidnapping her), he also became the person she wanted to help. and throughout the story she feels bad about lowkey betraying mochi over it, but decides that if hes a hopeless case she’ll just kick his ass. except that the more interactions she has with him, the more she realizes, “oh shit, he really is lost. this guy isnt even that evil, he's just misled this is fucked up.”

and after a while she ends up caring about him a lot more than just something to check off her not-bucket list. anyway, they both just kinda help each other grow out of a lot of stuff, she helps him develop something other than that horrible abusive relationship he has with amanita, and accidentally, he helps her open up to both him and mochi (because i know in the story right now she seems really silly and cool and dumb, but on a deeper level she really.,..doesnt wanna love anyone. my girl got issues. i think she realizes its stupid but cant help that feeling of “i dont wanna care about anyone ever again because i dont wanna go through losing them”)

and at the end of it all when taffy comes around and realizes, FINALLY, that the cat witch never cursed him, it was amanita so she could manipulate him, coco is like that bridge to a better life that he needs. shes the one who FINALLY is soft and lets him know “its okay they dont bite, just hang out with me, we cool.”

UHHH ANYWAY THATS THEIR STORY BASICALLY...THERES A LOT MORE THAT GOES ON BUT THATS BASICALLY WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN THESE TWO!!!!!!!! 

[redefiningthirtysomething]

I’m going going, back back to AZ AZ

2 years ago we were living in Phoenix, Arizona. It was the best decision we made for our family and we thought things would be amazing. I am born and raised in Los Angeles, CA but life in LA was too busy, always working, Bella was growing up and life was just to expensive. I was looking for something else, something slower. I was tired of trying to keep up with work, my friends, family,... it all was very overwhelming.

We packed up our SUV and put our LA life away and drove 8 hours with our baby girl (she was 7).

We arrived so excited, ready for our new life, full of expectations. We planned this months in advance, we saved money, we prepared our friends and jobs. We had going away parties and tears. We arrived to our home, a 3 bedroom, hard wood floor, made for us house. We celebrated over drinks on our first night and experienced our first monsoon in our first week, It was spectacular. I had never seen anything like it. After settling in and introducing ourselves to the neighborhood I landed a job at a local hospice and Eli resumed his stay-at-home-dad job during the day and a night job he got at a local facility. I worked 3 days on, 4 days off 12 hour shifts. Bella was going to a great school right across the park, we would literally walk her over, drop her off and have a morning workout, followed by our breakfast, some morning sex and Eli then was off to sleep to be ready for his night job. We were living in a beautiful big home in a quiet neighborhood with a nice yard for Bella, fireplace, we had a cat and a Kitchen island I absolutely loved. My Master bedroom was bigger than the size of our entire LA apartment and my closet space, sigh... why did we ever leave? ... well, here's what happened.

We made plans to live there for life, but we only lasted six months. I got a job a few weeks after we moved in, we were living off of our savings and we were  planning our next career moves. The Job I got was good, but it paid very low and yes, I know that is expected in AZ the wages are less than in CA, what I made in CA was an unreasonable wage in AZ and they clearly told me this during my interview. But I thought, well ok I can figure this out as we go. The bills or the first month were a little outrageous. We moved to AZ in August ... need I say more? It was HOT AF so we had the AC unit on all day and all night long at a cool 71. Although some locals told us how to maintain a low electricity bill during the summer, we had NO IDEA how serious they were and didn't quite listen to their advice! It cant be that bad right ? wow, $600 for a month? A MONTH? That's not even including any of the other bills. that was the electricity ALONE! It knocked me out of my shoes. Ok, so the bills became an issue but we got a handle on it the best we could, but we were definitely in a strict budget.

A few months after we moved in my sister and her GF were having a hard time in LA and we agreed to help them out and let them live with us in AZ, we had an extra room and it would help us with the bills, plus it would be nice to have family around since we still hadn't made any new friends. It was good for a while but turned ugly really quick. I don't like to talk shit about people, but the GF has a nasty attitude and she's just an overall toxic person, I kind of see her as a bully who cried wolf. Awful, awful. Unfortunately my sister doesn't see it and they always think it's everyone else. I mean if she's happy with that, it's on her but like I've said before, leave us out of your negativity. Anyway, things got heated one night, she yelled at my daughter and insulted Eli, and I had to defend my family. After a screaming match, and an almost full on throw down in my kitchen I kicked them out. They moved to Tempe and my sister and I stopped talking. Cause of course, we attacked her, so they say. I have never in my life been in a fight and i'm so non confrontational... but apparently that night big bad me was in attack mode. Such silliness.

At this point, we're broke AF, we have no friends and my sister lives 20 miles away and doesn't talk to us. Ugh, Great start. Seriously the only good part for us about AZ was the happiness Bella had. She made so many friends on our street, she ruled that street basically. This girl was never home, she was always outside riding her bike or her scooter, or playing in someones yard, at the park ... she loved it. Sleep overs at out house, she had her room which we decorated to her style, her own bathroom...she loved it. I cant even begin to explain how good we had it. Bella was in her happy place.  Isn't this what we moved for? We completely lost sight of it. Eli and I were arguing a little bit, we were kind of just annoyed at life and we took it out on each other. Bella was getting stressed out because she hates to see us bicker, she tried to help us make up a few times. We don't like to put that on her, so we would make up, but a week later we were both back to not giving AF. We made things work, but there was a tension.

A little after Christmas we found out I was pregnant, 2 weeks pregnant to be exact and that very same day I found out I was pregnant I received a call from my boss at my old job in LA that they needed me to come back and that they would give me a raise. We looked at each other and it was like a weight lifted off our shoulders, we didn't even think about it before saying yes. We packed our shit and were gone by the weekend. We dipped out SO fast, we like ran back to LA ... what we thought was the best decision. Boy... were we wrong.

We moved in with Eli's parents, we were broke and didn't have money or time to find a new place. I started back at work that upcoming Monday and we had to get situated ASAP. work, yes, work was great. I went back and they started me at a great rate and It was like I never left. I still had my status of 10 years and accumulated my PTO, benefits as if I never left. So grateful that they thought well enough of me to ask me back. Bella went back to her old elementary school and things went back to Normal. Months went by and I'm super pregnant. We decided to stay at his parents house during the pregnancy because I didn't want to add anymore stress.  I have come to realize that I don't like living with other people other than Eli and my girls. People have something to say about something and always give opinions. whatever, I stay at work or in my room most of the time anyway. But, that's not how I wanted to live. Soon after I had Olivia, Elijah went to work so that I can spend time with the baby and bond. 4 weeks in a was stir crazy and made him quit his job and I went back to work. That's his family we live with and I am not comfortable, I don't feel like I can just go make breakfast and lounge around, not that I cant but it's a me thing. I don't like having to tell people where I am going if I'm leaving the house. I have always been very independent and I am easily annoyed when I don't have my freedom. plus, hey we pay rent ... I don't really have to explain my life ... but I cant be rude you know, so I bite my tongue.

We live in a trendy area of LA filled with hipsters, bars and restaurants .... and also very high rent. A 1 bedroom small apartment on the low end will cost you somewhere along 1900 month. jeez. We haven't been able to move out or find a decent price. We almost decided to buy a home but they're at 1 million for a little house. Bella has her room, a small room ... literally half the size of her AZ bedroom and she cant play outside , we live on a busy street and with the mentally ill/homeless that hang around the area doesn't make it safe. So she spends most of here time inside unless we go somewhere. Olive sleeps with us, we co-sleep, we did with Bella too, but soon I am going to have to transition her to her own room, plus she's about ready to crawl but we don't have space! Another thing is things have changed here. I don't see any of my friends, they don't have kids so they're out traveling and brunching. Things that I can't do right now. I haven't seen them at all to be honest, maybe once since I've been back from AZ. Olivia is 8 months now. Management at work changed, we have a new director and things are so different from the company I once knew. My sister eventually moved back to LA and I made peace with them, I wanted to have my sister in my life and things were good until recently. The GF strikes again, but with my mom! that's another story for another day. so, yet again my sister thinks its everyone else, except her GF. Also, I don't have a relationship with my little sister, but we will get into her in another blog.

I am a total mom and my focus is 100% on my kids and my family. I didn't know this until I had them.. obviously. I used to be all about me, going out, working and living my life. everything changed. everything. I live for my kids, I love them so much and my ultimate goal in my life is to make sure they are taken care of. why the fuck did we leave Arizona? Because we had no friends? I want to slap myself sometimes. were we bored? who fucking cares? Bella was happy! We could have made it work. We could have but we ran and took the easy way out. Eli and I sat down one day and we were trying to figure out our next move. we need to grow and make changes to better us as a family. We asked ourselves where is our happy place? where are our kids going to be happy?

The move back to AZ is in July. YES! we are so excited and thrilled. This time we see things differently. this time we know what to expect , we know the summers are harsh and we know the job market, we know that we only have each other out there... and that's OK! I am going to start an online business which I am currently working on. Eli will be the one working and I will stay home with bebe. It's NOT about us anymore. The house is set and ready for us we just gotta pack and go. By the way, we have a family house in AZ. It's my moms and she rents it out, but she lets us (her daughters, family) stay there and it's currently without renters. She knew I would go back. She knows that we have to make sacrifices for our kids sometimes. I don't feel that I am sacrificing this time.

I have faith and we love adventure.

[god-hunter]

All Over the Place w/ Nowhere to Go

Hey Tumblr,

I suppose it’s time to talk about Covid-19.  I’m really scared about what’s happening in the World right now and it’s absolutely affected every aspect of my Social Life at this point.  I’m not going to work anymore, although I do still technically have a job, of which I’m grateful.  However, how long that job will actually last is up to debate.  It’s a Process Serving Company.  Ya know, for when people get served papers for not paying their bills on time?  Yeeeeeeahhhh... that’s not exactly essential at this time of year.  

Yet, my company has ignored all the warnings, had us come in, attempted a work from home option, but didn’t offer it to many of us.  My boss even approached me about doing something different during this strange transition, and I said yeah, but nothing on that has resurfaced.  Instead another week went by where my work was dwindling and getting slower and slower.  There were a few boring and empty days, meanwhile other people were lamenting about lay offs. That put me in a weird place.  Then, they eventually asked if we’d be comfortable to still come in on Monday - [This past Monday 3/23] and at first I said yeah, but then I thought about my current situation at home and had to make a hard moral choice. It was absolutely the right thing to do.

For the moment, I currently live with my parents again.  And the more I go into work, the more I risk bringing home the virus to my parents, who are absolutely in the demographic of being very weak and prone to the infection.  I’d never be able to live with myself if something happened to them.  I’m trying desperately to get out of there, but Covid-19 is interrupting that, for the time being.  So I spoke with my Mom about it and at first she told me to do what feels right. I told her, I’m either not going to work, or I’m moving in to this new place before it’s ready.  She eventually conceded that even under the best of conditions, it’s always hard to go through a move.  And when it comes to work, no amount of money is worth the risk of what these stakes are.  Like I said, if anything happened to them, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

....and now a Co-worker just forwarded me an e-mail which basically says that they need to lower wages and/or cut work hours based on the minimal work that’s coming in at this time.  What the FUCK Man!!!  Just let us go at this point!

Regardless either way I slice it, technically I don’t have insurance anymore.  So that’s just great.  I’m literally processing that right now as of a minute ago.  I am absolutely getting my Meds TOMORROW.  And I’ll just see if it’s the usual price or the absolute rip-off that I remember from years ago.

FUCK!  And here all I wanted to do was complain about my Ex and talk about girls.  Now none of that fucking matters anymore.  Literally right before this, I was lamenting about how my Ex is upset with me because I deleted all of our pictures from Facebook.  Except with Facebook, it’s never really deleted.  Anything on FB that you were tagged in, is still on your page until you remove the tag or ‘Hide’ them.  Well, I’m tired of going through the emotional duress, so I decided that the public photos that I can’t touch will just remain.  At least for now.  I even read an article on FB etiquette over this thing, because I heard enough different responses that I was like, “Really???”

First of all...  Deleting photos is healthy.  Its a sign of moving on.  I just figure, save them all in a folder and be done with it.  One day I’m gonna meet a girl, and I’m not gonna want her to see all these pictures of me with my ex.  Especially if I’m gonna be dating soon.  But again, that’s where the whole Covid thing comes in to interfere.  And again, considering that it’s affected my job to this capacity, now none of that even matters.  Just another emotion I’m navigating through.

To that end, I have minimal updates on any of the girls I’m talking to, because well... there’s nothing to do.  Covid has forced me to be a shut in.  My daily schedule literally consists of getting up, having breakfast, playing video games/going for a walk (not always in that order), having lunch, being social/watching a thing (not always in that order), having dinner, putting on a movie/being social. (Again not always in that order).  I’ve been staying sane during my Quarancation.  Taking it day by day.  But today has been truly taxing on my mind.  And also, I haven’t gone for a walk yet because my feet hurt.  I literally cut up my heels walking, because the shoes somehow scrape against the back of my heel, yet are comfortable enough for typical walking/sitting.  What the Hell?

The minor updates are all online via text or FB.  So I’ll start with texting Bakery Girl.  Not much doing.  We barely talk.  I’m not getting much of a vibe from her if any.  So I’m not going out of my way to text her every night or every other day.  But when we talked last night it was primarily about work and how times is scary.  Her bakery is still open, but then we talked about my job and what little we’ve heard from people that are still in there.

Next I’ll bring up Gamer Girl.  This one already has an ending, since the last entry.  We’re just gonna be friends.  However, I’ve noticed that she likes to message me when she gets home from work and talk for the literal hour she has before she goes to bed.  I think it’s sweet, but I also don’t... care?  I dunno. It’s literally going nowhere and would’ve been a bad idea in the first place.  Still though she reminds me that we WILL do Video Games and Pizza again, and she Will come over to my new place once it’s all set to do different games with me there.  Again, I think that’s awesome.  There’s also a flirty weird vibe about her conversation.  But she already said it won’t get weird.  She has a Poly Partner she visits and that completely works for her.  So there it is.

Now I’ll actually add a new name to this list.  Let’s call her Zombie Girl.  This one is an old friend, whom I met when I was 15.  She was way older and never on my radar.  In fact... I was illegal. o.o But fast forward to when I was like 24 or something, I definitely did a lot of theatre gigs on drums, while she acted.  Didn’t think much of anything with her, but she was always nice and silly to talk to.  One random cast party, she was absolutely all over me, drinking, talking and just hanging around me all night.  There might’ve been arm over the shoulder stuff, but nothing serious.  Then, when we said goodnight, she walked me to my car and was drunk enough to not give a fuck and kiss me goodnight right on the lips. I remember saying, “Goodnight Zombie,”  [Insert real name there] and that was the end of the flirtship.  I was not into her, man.  I didn’t want to do that and make it super weird. The friendship remained, however. She met someone, I met someone and 5 years went by with barely any talking!  Now however, with all of this Covid loneliness, I looked at old conversations, even when we were just friends.  And they were absolutely flirty.  And I just missed her, so... we’re talking again. Its absolutely nothing.  Just a lot of catching up and shooting the shit out of boredom.  She completely understood not keeping in touch though as we’ve both been in relationships.  As far as hanging out is concerned, right before Covid got grimly serious, she mentioned that she was interested in “shenanigans” with me.  She desperately wanted to get out of the house too, whether that would happen or not.  Now its absolutely not happening however, because everyone’s basically shut in right now. Now I’ll bring up a more significant friend.  This one I’ll call Canada Girl.  Similar year - back in 2013/2014, we had very flirty chemistry online.  This one went to High School with me.  She was a Freshman when I was a Senior and I didn’t pay her much mind.  When I was 24 though, she was 20.  Not a bad age difference.  But enough of one.  She had moved to Canada at some point, but was actually in town.  And I remember completely flaking on her when she wanted me to save her from being at her Grandma’s.  That was stupid. She absolutely broke up with her boyfriend too and went to a party where she just wanted to get fucked up and have a good time.  ::snaps fingers::  But I wasn’t into it at the time.  Whatever I was doing, it clearly was more important to me than randomly catching up and trying my luck with her. Now, however the story is once again different.  She actually hit Me up on Facebook and we had a good talk.  We both apologized for not keeping in touch, and there is already light flirty chemistry, but for the most part it’s very normal.  I won’t lie to you.  It was even like, a week before my Ex and I got together that we were pseudo-porn sharing on FB.  I mean, we got that weird with each other. So who the fuck knows?

And speaking of Porn Sharing, I was starting to think that my time with the Significant Party of the Significant Couple was a one-time only.  But nah, man.  For the past 2 nights we’ve been giving each other attention of the stimulating variety, and it was more than appreciated on my end.  I’m still so grateful to have that person in my life.  Lately I’ve been a moody shit, and it pleases me that they get it.  I’ve certainly been there for them.  So I like that they can handle me when I’m not at my best.  And I certainly don’t take it out on them.  Instead this is a very chill, ‘there when ya need me’ kind of relationship.  I’m really getting used to it, and it hasn’t gotten weird at all with the other person in the Significant Party.

It’s almost needless to talk about why I’ve been Moody.  It’s literally everything, dude.  Navigating the aftermath of this Relationship bothers me.  I’m over it.  I’m getting over it.  But I’m not fully out of it yet.  What I mean is, my stuff is still there.  Not all of it.  Just the tough stuff, like my furniture.  So I need to eventually get it out of there.

But that can’t happen until my place is ready.  Of which it isn’t yet.  Almost, but not quite.  Estimated time is 3/31-4/3.  If I’ve given any updates, the carpets were installed on 3/23, which is a miracle, because by then, Covid had really kicked in, forcing all non-essential businesses to close.  So I’m really grateful for that.  But now my Landlord has this whole other laundry list of things he wanted to do.  Too many to list.  So I’ll just leave it with, best case, it’s ready on Tuesday the 31st, or Friday the 3rd.  That’s really not terrible at all.

My next move was gonna be to get my friends to help me get this furniture in there.  I was gonna rent a UHaul truck and just knock it out in one day.  Apparently they’re still open.  But none of my friends budged.  Covid is really shutting ALL of them in.  Even my toughest and closest friends who promised to help. Of course I’m annoyed, but I get it.  This is Literally the worst time to move.

And now of course, since deleting the FB pictures, my Ex got really upset and changed the nicknames on our chat.  I knew it was gonna happen eventually, but now she’s no longer Darling Love and the heart emoji is just a thumbs up again.  When she made the change, I gave her a thumbs up and she said nothing.  Today when I tried to talk business, she was super short, but said sure, about coming over tomorrow.  I was gonna take measurements and my TV stand to start this furniture process.  Instead, she wants to do the measurements herself, which is fine, but since I noticed the aggression, I asked if we were okay, and she let on that she was pissed about me deleting the FB pictures.  I had saved them all in a folder on Dropbox and given them to her.  They are on my computer as well.  But I don’t think she cares about that.  I think it’s more the fact that I did it without warning or consulting her about it?  Which in a way is none of her business, because it’s my profile and I need to be comfortable with the content I have on there. On the other hand, it may seem like I’m trying to erase the last 5 years of my life, but I’m honestly not.  I just... can’t look at them anymore.  Not on Facebook.  But in my own folder, I will.  In my own time, if I want to.  This is the stuff she doesn’t want to talk about.  She wants her space.  And she really doesn’t want to see me this weekend.  So she won’t.

Doesn’t change the fact that I need my TV Stand.  And the rest of my furniture.  But as her replacement one hasn’t come in yet and my place isn’t ready yet, we can push that back for another week.  Her replacement TV stand should come in on 4/3, which is the latest my place will be ready, possibly.

So now I have some things to mull over.  But definitely it seems like whatever I do, my next move is gonna involve getting Movers to help me with this stuff, if any are in operation right now. My friends would absolutely help, but Covid... I honestly expect the same answer from any of the Movers.  And if that’s the case, I’m gonna be pissed, because then I truly am stuck...

But then, considering this new information about how my Job is truly going in the shitter now?...  Maybe stuck with my parents is exactly where I need to be at the moment...  I’m gonna be without insurance now, for who knows how fucking long.

I have money...  I can afford my meds.  But God damn, does that suck.

So yeah...  This is a really fucked up time.  So it was time for an update.

[newhologram]

Stay, Spoonies

I'm still getting more and more messages from newly diagnosed people who are terrified and veteran spoonies who have suffered for a long time as well. I'm so glad that being public and super vocal about all of this has helped others, but it hurts to know that there are so many people with these illnesses that cause so much suffering and that doctors, our society, the government, and even family and friends can be unreliable in supporting sick people who need help and love. This makes the suffering worse. 

Even when we're super pro-active about our self-care and do our best with mindfulness, meditation, and use various coping methods to get through the day, we can still end up suffering a lot. We are at the mercy of our illnesses but we still try. You guys know how nutty I am when it comes to my schedule and pain management routine. If you've ever worked with me on set you've seen my Bumblebee backpack survival kit, full of things to manage every symptom, from the pain to the depression to the on-the-verge-of-having-a-meltdown-from-overstimlation. And you also know that I'm very comfortable talking about this broken mecha that I have to live in. 

But just because I'm loud about it doesn't mean everyone else is. A lot of people suffer in silence because of everything I mentioned. Trying to get help, be heard, be understood, be supported—it causes a lot of heartache. Doctors shrug and patronize you. Insurance companies deny treatment that would help ease your symptoms and instead go for what's cheaper and doesn't even put a dent in your symptoms (and usually, makes some unbearably worse). Lots of your friends ignore it. It's too awkward and they have their own lives going on. Family doesn't understand it, and so they fight with you about it. They fight with you and make you feel horrible for being sick. They make you feel like you're just an awful, pathetic person for being sick and not being able to live normally and "make more money" and you always have to hear about how "you need to be moved out by next year" even though they know you can barely work and they see you throwing up all the time and always in bed in pain. A lot of spoonies end up scared, hopeless, desperate, and angry. We hate ourselves, we hate our bodies, we wonder why they were ever born, we rage that people just won't ever fucking get that we are not in control of these illnesses. You wouldn't fight with someone for not being able to "just be positive" until their tumors shrank into nothing. (Note: I'm actually a huge positivity advocate but the idea that it alone is some kind of cure is silly, it's part of a BALANCED spoonie self-care routine. It takes HARD WORK TO BE POSITIVE! It's hard shit, man, and I can't always do it and I crumble but that's why I have superglue, bitch)

We end up feeling very alone and we feel like people resent us for being sick, which is out of our control. We feel that we're a bother, a burden, we ruin other people's happiness because our bodies are sick and because we're not "strong enough" to just magically be able to smile our organ deficiencies away and "overcome" our differently functioning brains into line with a "normal" person's.  

It's scary. It scares me daily. Spoonies kill themselves and I need to be really very forward about that and not pussyfoot around it because it's really uncomfortable to talk about. SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE. The ones who are still here have had to work really, really hard to stay here. It becomes a very serious choice that we make BUT again, we're at the mercy of our flare ups, so there's this horrible fear of "will I end up having a flare up so bad and that lasts so long that I won't be able to take it anymore and I'll have such bad tunnel vision and depression and anger and guilt and see only the bad, only the pain, only the suffering, and then get into another huge fight with my family about my inability to get better, that out of desperation not only for my own relief to stop suffering, but to 'relieve' my family of the burden of having to provide for me because I may never, ever, ever be able to be a functional independent adult—that I do it? That I end it because I see no other solution? Because in that state I feel that my family will never be happy as long as I am alive and sick, so it's better to be dead and not able to be sick anymore so my family can save all of that money they spend on my medical bills and self-care supplies because I could barely work? What if I do that? I won't be able to undo it. It would be done. I would be gone and they would hurt forever and ever because I was too sick to see that and my perception of things got so warped that I actually seriously believed that me dying would make their lives better?" There is so much more to life than pain, even for those of us who have to face it each day.

Being sick hurts a lot. It hurts physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Most spoonies go through intense suicidal depression because trying to live life with your body working against you is like trying to keep a jet in the air while it's on fire. But that's just "normal" to us. That's our "normal" to be in pain. Imagine for a moment you could almost never be completely comfortable because you are sick every day. Your body is exhausted like you stayed up for 3 days straight, everything hurts, when the pain flares it's very hard to think, several of your organs have issues and cause more problems, even resting is hard because of this level of discomfort. And you have to save your sick days for when your illness is ER level bad or of course you won't be able to hold your part time minimum wage jobs that mostly go into medical expenses, now will you? 

This is every day for you but you have to make it your priority every single damn day to convince yourself that it's worth it being here and that life is strange but it's also beautiful and fun and you are valuable and irreplaceable and that as much as you suffer, there would be immeasurably more suffering if you decided to not be here. 

But it's not just about other people. Spoonies have to learn to be selfish to survive. We have to learn to say "no" a lot. No, I can't meet up for dinner after work, I need to rest. No, I can't meet that late, my pain will be too high and since I'll have to drive I won't be able to medicate and then I'll be worse off. No, I can't cover your shift, I'm having a bad flare up and I spend the past three days vomiting. No, I can't do you this favor right now, my body needs rest. 

It's okay to be selfish. But please stay. Do whatever you need to do to challenge your brain when it tries to tell you that everything would be better if you weren't around. Living sick is very hard. But it doesn't mean you can't live. 

[riverdamien]

Remember the Poor

"Remember the Poor, It Cost's Nothing" Josh Billings Matthew 23:23-26 The Message (MSG) 23-24 “You’re hopeless, you religion scholars and Pharisees! Frauds! You keep meticulous account books, tithing on every nickel and dime you get, but on the meat of God’s Law, things like fairness and compassion and commitment—the absolute basics!—you carelessly take it or leave it. Careful bookkeeping is commendable, but the basics are required. Do you have any idea how silly you look, writing a life story that’s wrong from start to finish, nitpicking over commas and semicolons? 25-26 “You’re hopeless, you religion scholars and Pharisees! Frauds! You burnish the surface of your cups and bowls so they sparkle in the sun, while the insides are maggoty with your greed and gluttony. Stupid Pharisee! Scour the insides, and then the gleaming surface will mean something." ---------------------------------------------------------------- Carl Nolte, recently wrote: "I wondered about it (homeless people on the streets) even when camping by a river in the redwoods. What has become of us? Have we grown such calluses on our souls that we can look at this kind of agony in the streets and not see? Is that what it means to be a citizen of a beautiful and famous city such as San Francisco? We did nothing (thinking of passing by homeless person in City) I can't get it out of my mind." As I look back the past twenty five years I remember a time when homeless people were noticed, acts of compassion were shown to them by the majority of people. I remember people like Fr. Louie Vitalie, former pastor of St. Boniface Church who advocated and showed love to people on the street, he is the founder of the current homeless program at the Church; Sr. Bernie Gavin, advocated for the homeless, Reverend Glenda Hope who founded housing and had worship services on the streets, and the list goes on. The question I ask: "Is where are the clergy in working with the homeless?" And than I remember--"advocacy on the streets for street people does not pay enough, and is too dirty." There was a sense of caring, a sense of support. Now we ignore the person on the street, we see them as dirty, and we scream at our politicians to do something. Sr. Joan Chittlister, tells us: "Politicians will always ask the question, "Is it expedient? But the prophets must ask the question, "Is it right?" That is the reason I do not trust politicians, they always seek out the expedient answer, and the majority come from privilege and wealth and have no idea of the pain of people on the street. We need to ask the question "Is it right?" Our Gospel confronts all of us with our hypocrisy. We are all called to walk with each other as brothers and sisters, we are all called to suffer together so that others might not suffer. We are all called to feed people we see hungry, to fight for our government to shift their funds to mental health care, housing, and food; to provide housing to someone if we can or to push our churches, and our businesses to open their doors and provide housing. We walk past churches with beautiful spaces that stand empty, empty buildings, kept empty in order for the owners to correct more money, and people are sleeping outside in the cold. Ritual, lovely speeches are empty, until they are put into action. We can "remember the poor"--and until we put our words into action--it cost's nothing, and it leaves our lives empty, vacant, and is pure hypocrisy. Materialism, our desire for money, for property is destroying us, it is destroying our humanity. So let us remember the poor, the homeless, and in doing so look at our selves and see our own poverty, our own pain, and love them, as we want to be loved. Let us take Carl Nolte's words and put life into them, enter into the suffering, the pain, of others, and find life and joy and not walk away feeling guilty. Deo Gratias! Thanks be to God! ------------------------------------------- Bay Area Youth Led Climate Strike Start: Friday, September 20, 2019•10:00 AM Location:San Francisco Federal Building •90 7th Street, San Francisco , CA 94103 Host Contact Info: dulce.ceballos.a@gmail.com +- (Adult allies are welcome) At 10am, in San Francisco we call for a youth-led climate strike march, going to different targets that are contributing to climate breakdown, leaving our mark to let these places know what we are fighting for. We will again start at the office of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and will connect targets in government, finance, and energy. For those that can’t join in person, we will be asking people to post on social media and tag our targets. The following are our demands through the action week and why we are striking: 1.We demand a safe, healthy, and just planet.This climate crisis threatens our ability to live. If climate change continues on this course, we won’t be able to eat, breathe, or have safe shelter. In order to successfully fight the climate crisis we are facing, we must also fight the systems of white supremacy, racism, greed, and exploitation that have led us to it. Fighting for climate justice means fighting for a world that is safe, healthy, and just for all of its inhabitants. We must enact climate emergency plans at the local, national, and international level. 2. We demand justice and asylum for people displaced by climate change.Individuals and families displaced by climate change seek asylum in a safe place because they have nowhere else to go. Climate justice means abolishing ICE, closing concentration camps at the border, ending family separation, and creating inclusive new laws and regulations that treat everyone as human. 3. We demand policy based on science. We have eleven years before the effects of the climate emergency are irreversible. We can’t afford to compromise with climate change deniers. We must enact immediate legislation based on scientific analysis of carbon emissions and the ways that climate disasters impact certain communities. Science clearly shows that global temperatures are rising dangerously, and that we are on track to face unprecedented climate disasters. We demand a Green New Deal, a resolution that lays out a science-based plan to reach negative carbon emissions by 2030. 4. We demand that people, not corporations, influence politics.Representation and transparency are vital for successful democracies; corporate money must be taken out of politics. We demand all politicians sign the “No Fossil Fuel Money Pledge.” We demand Citizens United must be overturned and super PAC’s be abolished. Corporate funding and donations from millionaires and billionaires must be replaced with public funding of elections in addition to small-dollar donations. To ensure that every vote counts, we must restore the Voting Rights Act, secure automatic registration for every citizen above 18, and re-enfranchise those convicted of felonies. 5. We demand equal rights for all.The government must be for the people, by the people; all policies and decisions made must be for the benefit of all. Black and trans lives matter; the Equality Act must be passed. The rights of Brown, Black, and Middle Eastern migrants must be respected. Women deserve full reproductive justice, and equity in the workplace. We demand universal background checks and Medicare for All in order to ensure a safe and secure environment for everyone. We demand diversity and representation, and intersectionality must fuel the climate justice movement. Frontline communities must have a voice and leadership role, and we look to indigenous communities to lead the transition to a just and sustainable world. 6. We demand that humans protect the rights of nature.Just as humans have rights, nature has rights. Humans have a moral obligation to respect and protect plants, animals, and ecosystems. We demand that the rights of nature be legally represented. This includes legislation to provide sanctuary for endangered species, regulate hunting, and end deforestation, pollution, destructive fuel extraction, fracking, factory farming, and unsustainable agriculture. All life is interconnected, and we must live in harmony with the Earth. 7. We demand a just transition Countries and individuals that have contributed the most to climate change must be held accountable. We demand urgent climate action, including the GND, that protects vulnerable communities and create economic justice. Policies must respect workers’ rights ’to living wages and health care, young people’s rights to free, relevant education, and everyone’s right to affordable housing. To quote Movement Generation: Transition is inevitable. Justice is not. A just transition is the process of getting from where we are to where we need to be by transforming the systems of economy and governance. A just transition requires moving from a globalized capitalist industrial economy to linked local living participatory economies that provide well-being for all. For more information about the actions you can do through the week please visit our website: youthvsapocalypse.org -------------------------------------------------- Fr. River Damien Sims, sfw, D.Min., D.S.T. P.O. Box 642656 San Francisco, CA 94164 www.temenos.org 415-305-2124 ---------------------------------------------------- We are in need of money for socks and food, our need for socks has increased three fold in the last year, and the Food bank is low on food, so we are having to purchase food at super markets. So please consider to give. Your donations are tax deductible. Give through mailing to P.O. Box 642656 or through Pay pal, which you can find on temenos.org. All checks to be tax deductible must be made to Temenos Catholic Worker. Thank you!