#even when i forgot to save and lost about 2 hours of work

[mrsparrasblog]

Rodolfo x Alej's Sister

You've known him since you were a kid; he was always there at every family gathering and every birthday. He spent every weekend with Alej. At first, you hated him. He always pulled on your pigtails, made fun of you, and stole your toys.

When you turned 16, your hatred toward Rudy suddenly changed. He changed; he became nice to you, helping you with biology and physics exams, listening to your problems, and protecting you when Alej couldn't.

The night of your senior prom changed your view completely. You were going with Antonio to prom; you had been dating him for one year. You never knew your relationship would change on this day.

The first hours were perfect; he picked you up in his car, danced with you the whole night, and then rented out a hotel room for you both. You promised him this would be your first night together, and you did. The only problem? He left you straight after what you just did.

You didn't know what to do. You were left alone in a hotel room with no way to go home by night. You could always call Alej; you knew he would help you. Of course, you were fighting like siblings always did, but he loved you, right? But he would kill Antonio, and you didn't want to tell your big brother that you lost your virginity. If he tells Dad, it's over for you anyway.

So you did the only thing your mind could come up with: you called Rudy, while still crying over Antonio.

"What's wrong, Mi Amor?"

"How did you know something's wrong, Rudy?" You sobbed into the phone.

"You're calling me at 2 a.m., and you're sobbing. What's wrong?" Rudy said, his voice full of empathy.

"Antonio, he—"

"What did that pendejo do?" You never heard Rudy that furious. You were used to Alej or even your dad; they were hot-headed, but Rudy was always calm, which made him a bit scary. But this time, he was mad before you even told him what Antonio did.

"I... he... can you pick me up? I'm at the inn."

"I'm there in 5, Mi Amor."

He came to pick you up. He was always a great driver, and you felt safe. He always put on the car heater for you and didn't force you to talk.

"Do you want a stop at Chili's?"

You just nodded, and you went through the drive-thru, eating in his car, even if he rarely allowed food in it. But for you, he made an exception; he always did.

"He slept with me."

"Did you want it? Did he hurt you?"

"I wanted it, and no, he didn't physically hurt me."

"Physically?"

"He broke up with me after."

"I'm going to kill that pendejo."

"No, Rudy, it's okay. I'm stupid."

"Look at me. You're not stupid; you're an intelligent, beautiful, and hardworking woman."

"Thank you, Rudy. I just feel bad about myself."

"You know you're the most beautiful girl in the world, Mi Amor."

"Hm."

"Alejandro and I are going to enlist after our graduation."

"I know."

"I'm sorry, but I promise I'll bring your brother back safe."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

20 years later, you still remember that day—the day you fell in love with Rudy, your brother's best friend. Of course, you had flings and even relationships, but nothing compared to the feelings you savored for your Rudy.

He never married, though he got married to his work exactly like your brother, but at least you knew that they kept each other safe until

Rudy stormed into your house with one of the two spare keys you had. He was panting and shaking, and when you saw his face, fear crawled over you. Did something happen to Alej?

"Rudy, what's wrong?" but he was like in a trance, barely noticing you.

Rudy took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart before answering. "I thought about how much I didn't want to leave this world without ever telling you how much you mean to me." His eyes locked onto yours, and he could see the confusion and desire mixed in your gaze.

"Uhm, Rudy, why is something wrong?"

"I almost died today; I got into a fire. Alejandro saved me at the last minute." You almost forgot about his nice words; he almost died. You looked at him, scanning him for any visible injuries, and then you couldn't hold back anymore. If someone thought Alejandro had the temperament, they didn't know his little sister.

"No, Rudy, are you insane? You almost died idiot. You need to take care of yourself. I swear to you, if you die on me, I will pull you back from heaven to fucking kill you again." He loved that fire that occupied you, but right now he wasn't able to fight with you and enjoy your burning eyes, which he found so sexy.

He took a step closer, his heart pounding in his chest. "Mi Amor, please listen to me. I've loved you since the moment I saw you." Did he just confess to you? You couldn't believe it.

"I doubt that we were kids and you always pulled my hair."

Rodolfo chuckled softly, shaking his head. "No, I remember being a kid and thinking you were the most beautiful girl in the world. And even as we grew up, that feeling only got stronger."

"Why did you never tell me? I thought you saw me only as the stupid sister from Alejandro."

"I was scared, Mi Amor. I knew our families wouldn't approve, and I didn't want to risk losing you or my friendship with Alejandro." He reached out, gently brushing a strand of hair from your face.

"Rudy I have loved you since the day you punched my prom date." You confessed remembering the night and the following day when the pacifist Rudy came with all his knuckles injured. You behaved like a medic till you saw Antonio with his broken nose, a blue eye, and an overall punched-out expression. He did this for you; he protected you, not Alej. You still scolded him for being foolish; he could have gotten hurt too.

His eyes widened in surprise, and he stared at you for a moment. "Oh, you did, huh? Well, I have loved you since the day I pulled your hair and called you an Ilorona" Idiot, but you loved his laughs and jokes. He was a calm man, and most people thought he was shy, but Rudy never was shy—never to you at least.

"Why now? What changed?"

He took your soft hands in his. "No, Mi Amor. It's because of how much I felt when I thought I was going to die. And it hit me then—all the years I've spent hiding my feelings for you—they were pointless."

"Your feelings were never pointless."

"I know that now, but I didn't before. I was so focused on what others thought and what our families would say that I forgot to listen to my own heart." He sighed, looking down at your hands before meeting your gaze again. "But I promise you, Mi Amor, "you couldn't hear it anymore; you needed to show him how much passion you felt for him.

"cállate Rudy and just kiss me already."

Rodolfo chuckled softly before leaning forward, his lips brushing against yours gently. "Always telling me what to do, aren't you?" he whispered against your lips before deepening the kiss slowly.

He felt the heat of your kiss, igniting a fire within him. He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you closer as you explored each other's lips and tongues.

His heart raced with anticipation and excitement, finally acting on the feelings he had harbored for so long.

"It feels better than I imagined."

"I'm glad, Mi Amor," he whispered against your lips, nuzzling his face into your neck. "You feel so good. So right." He deepened the kiss again, lost in the sensation of finally being with you like this.

"What About Alejandro?"

"I'll deal with him later," Rodolfo replied, his voice husky from your passionate kiss. "Right now, all that matters is you and me." He continued to kiss your neck, trailing soft kisses down your collarbone before returning to your lips once more.

Rodolfo smiled against your lips, his hands sliding down to cup your ass, pulling you even closer. "And you're so stunning," he groaned, nibbling gently on your lower lip. "I've dreamed of this for so long."

"Oh, so that's what you thought about on your lonely barracks nights." You hated yourself for joking right now, but it felt so good and easy with him.

Rodolfo chuckled, trailing more kisses along your jawline. "And many other things, mi amor," he murmured, his hands slipping under your shirt to trace patterns over your soft skin. "But you were always in my mind."

"Rudy, you don't need to take things slow. I waited 20 years for this." You whined; you felt your body reacting to his; you were already dripping in anticipation.

Feeling your need for him, Rodolfo pressed you against the wall, his hands moving up to hold your face as he deepened the kiss. "I want to make this last," he breathed, his lips still locked with yours. "I don't want it to be over too soon.

"We have 40 years of this; please, Rudy, I need you."

Rodolfo's eyes darkened with desire as he looked into your pleading gaze. He couldn't resist any longer. With a growl, he picked you up, as if you weighed nothing. God, you knew he was strong, but wow. and carried you to the bedroom.

Rudy kicked the door shut behind you and laid you down on the bed, his lips never leaving yours. He was afraid that if he pulled away, he would wake up like in many of his dreams, but this was real. He finally had you and never wanted to let you go.

His hands roamed over your body, pulling off your shirt and lacy bra before moving to undo his pants. "I want you so badly, Mi Amor. I have been dreaming about this for years, and God, you are even more beautiful than in my imagination."

"I need you so bad, Rudy."

He growled into your kiss, and with one swift motion, he pulled off his shirt and pants, revealing himself to you fully. Of course, you knew how good he looked without his shirt, especially when Alej and he came over in the summer to watch football. But now that you saw him in full glory, you were amazed, his erect cock stood at attention. And you grabbed it, wanting to pull it finally inside of you, where it had belonged all these years. Where you rubbed yourself, moaning his name in desperation.

Rodolfo chuckled, pushing your skirt up and kissing your thighs tenderly. "Impatient little thing, aren't you?" He whispered teasingly before licking a line up your smooth stomach to your perky breasts.

His tongue circled your nipple, causing you to moan loudly. Rodolfo's cock throbbed with anticipation, aching to be inside of you. "You taste so good,"

He reached down and helped you remove your skirt, revealing your black lace panties underneath. His mouth watered at the sight. "Fuck, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen," he groaned, unable to resist any longer.

You giggled at his praise.

"Shh, mi amor," Rodolfo murmured, his hands moving up to cup your breasts. He squeezed them gently, eliciting a soft moan from your pouty lips as he began to trail kisses down your abdomen once more.

"I love you, Rudy."

"I love you too," Rodolfo whispered against your stomach before standing up. "Let me undress you completely." His eyes never leaving yours, he reached out to slowly pull down your panties, his breath catching in his throat at the sight of you completely bare.

Rudy couldn't resist any longer; he crawled between your legs and kissed you softly at the entrance of your womanhood. "So beautiful," he whispered against your skin before licking you slowly, his tongue tracing circles around your hard and pulsing clit. Rodolfo moaned against you, his hands gripping your hips tightly as he continued to pleasure you with his tongue.

He could taste your arousal, and it only made him want more. "So wet for me, Mi Amor, you taste like heaven," Rodolfo grinned against your skin, his mouth watering at the taste.

He slowly pushed one finger inside of you, gently stretching you for him as he continued to lick and suck on your clit. "I love you so much,"

"I love you too."

Rodolfo's finger moved in and out of your needing hole slowly, matching the rhythm of his tongue on your clit.

He could hear you moaning his name, and it only fueled his desire to make you cum. "Cum for me, mi amor,"

Rudy groaned as you came, his tongue working hard as he tasted your sweet nectar. He continued to lap, making sure he got every last drop before slowly pulling away. "You are so breathtaking," he whispered against your skin, his fingers still inside you.

Small tears escaped your eyes; it was almost embarrassing how much you felt for this man. "No one treated me so good before."

His heart swelled at your beautiful words, and he kissed you softly on the stomach moving up to slowly kiss the tears away, "It's because you're my everything, Mi Amor, I could worship you forever. I'm sorry for not doing it earlier."

He pulled out his fingers, leaving you feeling empty. "Turn around." Rodolfo moved behind you, his hard cock pressing against your bouncy ass. He took a moment to admire your body again like he wanted to memorize every scar, every curve, and every birthmark of yours.

He reached around to stroke himself slowly. "You're so beautiful," he whispered again, kissing your shoulder blade. "I want to feel you."

"Rudy, please make love to me." You didn't say fucking or sex; these words didn't describe what this was; this was lovemaking, and you enjoyed every second of it.

Rodolfo shivered at your words, his cock twitching in excitement. Holding you against him tightly, he positioned himself at your entrance. With one powerful thrust, he penetrated you completely while kissing your neck lovingly. "I'm all yours, mi amor."

Rudy began to move inside you, his hips rolling against yours as he filled you. He felt like he was made for you; he wasn't too big or too short; he was perfect, filling you without hurting you.

The sound of your skins slapping against each other echoed in the room, along with your moans and gasps for air. "You feel so perfect. Rodolfo's thrusts became harder and faster, his cock hitting every spot inside of you that you desperately needed.

He reached around to grab one of your breasts, squeezing it as he continued to pound into you relentlessly. "I love you so much,"

"I love you too, Rudy." You never were the person for words of love during sex, but this was something else you wanted to capture his love and hide it inside of you forever, never letting go of him.

As he approached his climax, Rodolfo slowed his thrusts, allowing him to savor every moment. His hands tightened on your hips, and his breath was hot against your neck. He gently rubbed your clit." Come with me, mi amor," he groaned, pushing deeper inside.

Rodolfo's thrusts grew harder again, his cock hitting deeper as he lost control. His entire world centered around you; the feeling of your skin slapping together was the only thing that mattered. "Mi Amor," he whimpered your name like it was the only thing that mattered and released his hot seed inside of you, painting your walls white.

You whined, loving his cum inside of you; it was right there, and this alone made you clench around him and reach your climax. Desperately sticking your nails into his strong and broad shoulders.

Rodolfo grinned against your lips, his cock still hard inside of you. "I'll make sure to fill you up all the time time, Mi Amor," he whispered before kissing you deeply once more. He stayed inside of you for a few more moments, enjoying the feeling of being connected to you.

"Don't pull out, please."

"Still not enough, Mi Amor?"

"Of you never," he slowly began to thrust inside of you, trying not to go too fast because of your overstimulated cunt that still clenched him like a glove. His lips never left your body, placing little love marks all over your collarbone. You knew you were his- and he was yours.

The door opened. "Rodolfo, what are you doing with my sister?" Alejandro screamed.

- Fuck

[digitaldiarystuff]

Need You

omg this was heartbreaking and cute to write at the same time, thank you so much for the request!! you can keep them coming and i can try my best 💕

also, slowly becoming a fermin fan acc but no complaining tho lol

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pairing: Fermin Lopez x Y/N

summary: Fermin let the fame get to his head and wanted a break, that was 2 months ago. One night he’s pulled out of sleep by a phone call from a hospital saying you’ve been in an accident

genre: angst to fluff

warnings: mentions of car accident, bruises and sprained ankle but nothing too graphic

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Fermin woke up to his phone buzzing constantly. The first time he tried to ignore it and not let it get to him but it started ringing again soon. He huffed with annoyance and reached for his bedside table. The number looked ordinary, he didn’t have it saved and he wasn’t planning on answering a crazy fan’s call at 2 in the morning. He let the buzzing stop and left the phone back trying to go back to sleep but something in him worried, with a loud sigh he reached over again typing the number on his search engine finding it belonged to a local hospital in Barcelona. His heart started racing, his initial thought was Pablo but he was okay at the match today so why was a hospital calling him at this hour?

He tried calling the number back but it went straight to a prerecorded message, Fermin was stressed until the phone connected to the reception.

“Hello, this is Alana from Hospital Clinic. How can I help you?” she asked

“Hey, um, I was just called from this number twice. Can I know the reason?” he said fidgeting with his hand trying to understand if it was just a misunderstanding.

“Can I have your name?”

“Fermin Lopez.” Fermin hesitatingly said, he was recently getting recognition from football fans and was also kind of overwhelmed with it.

“Oh yes, I found it Mr Lopez. It looks like your girlfriend Ms Y/N was in an accident, we tried reaching her family members first, they said they’d come as soon as possible but since they’re out of Barcelona it could take a while and you’re just below them on the emergency call list.”

Fermin listened but after he heard about you in an accident he lost focus, everything the woman said going unnoticed by him. If he thought about it, you weren’t his girlfriend anymore, he said he needed a break but hadn’t tried to reach you ever again. It’s been 2 months with no contact other than the night you called him drunk and cursed him for how easy he let you go and he took your scolding, he knew he deserved it and he also wanted you to be safe so he stayed on the phone with you until you went inside your apartment saying he’d call you to have a proper conversation. He didn’t.

He chickened out, he knew you were head over heels for him, that you’d do anything for him but he was just debuting in first team and his career just took off and everyone kept reminding him that he’s too young for this. He should just focus on his football and girls shouldn’t be a priority. He couldn’t do anything he wanted if he’s tied down at 21 and he let those intrusive thoughts get in his head and became irritated with your presence in his life.

He hated himself for it but couldn’t help himself and picked fights constantly tiring both of you. He’d became cold and distant, forgetting important dates and choosing to go out. Even then you tried to keep the relationship going but everyone has their limits and he crossed yours when he forgot your presentation for your finals. It was the most important thing in your whole academic life and he promised to be there but forgot, prompting your biggest fight ever. That’s when he proposed taking a break until he figured himself out, as he hated the state he put your relationship through. You didn’t even fight him on it, just accepted and went upstairs to gather your belongings. He stood still on his place on the sofa not trusting his legs to work if he’d stand up. You came out the room soon and said goodbye to him, kissing his lips one last time and left your keys on the dresser shutting the door behind you. Fermin still remembered that feeling he felt once he realized you really left, he thought it’d be relief as this is what he wanted all along but it wasn’t. It was pure pain.

“Mr Lopez?” the woman at the end of the line repeated as Fermin was too lost to speak.

“Is she okay?” he asked with a trembling voice. He couldn’t believe something this bad can happen to an angel like you.

“Unfortunately I can’t discuss her state on the phone but she’ll be okay, our best doctors are taking care of her.”

Fermin was already up trying to find any pieces of clothing to throw on as he was just in his boxers. He checked the location on his phone and thanked the receptionist quickly ending the call. He didn’t even realize how much he was shaking until he sat behind the wheel. He had tears on his face and in his eyes occasionally blurring his vision for a second until he finally made it to the hospital. He was shocked that he could drive without getting in an accident himself. He couldn’t lose her, there was no way he could lose her. Even though he knew he didn’t deserve you in the slightest, he loved you with his whole heart. You were his first real girlfriend, his first love, even after all the stupid things he did to push you away he knew you’re his person and he’d do anything for you.

He quickly ran to the reception who asked him for ID and sent him to your floor.

“Room 203” he whispered to himself as the elevator doors opened and he rushed over. A nurse was just coming out of your room with charts in her hand and he stopped her frantically.

“Is she okay? Is Y/N okay?”

The nurse was startled but she was used to seeing people going crazy for their loved ones.

“Yes, don’t worry she just has some minor bruises on her face and body and a sprained ankle. She’ll be here tonight but tomorrow after the doctor clears her she’ll be good to go.” the nurse smiled but Fermin couldn’t bring himself to return the kindness. All he could do was feel relieved, she was okay.

“Can I go in?” he asked

“Um, she should really get some rest. It’s been traumatizing for her.”

“Look I need to see her, I need to make sure she’s okay.” he pleaded and the nurse finally gave in opening the door to let Fermin in.

“Fine but not for too long, she needs some sleep.”

Fermin nodded and took a deep breath, it just dawned on him that this was the first time he’d be seeing you in two months and he was so distraught to even think if she’d want him there or not. Maybe she hated him.

Fermin even thought about turning back and just waiting in the hall but he really needed to see with his own eyes that you were good so he pushed the door further, wishing he had peonies to bring you. They were always your favorite.

“Fermin?” you asked clearly shocked seeing him walk in. Your face had some red and purple marks and your foot was in a big black boot elevated. You looked so beaten and tired but Fermin could swear you’ve never looked so good. He couldn’t take his eyes off of you, even when you were apart he tried not looking you up. He didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole and he knew if he started he couldn’t stop until he was begging on his knees at your doorstep.

“Mi vida.” he hesitantly said as he stood by the door afraid to come closer even though everything in him wanted to hug you and kiss you.

“What are you doing here?” you asked. If this was under any other circumstances you’d be pissed at him but you were feeling so ran down that you were just relieved to see him. You were in Barcelona for uni and your parents were back in Sevilla, you only had friends here. Well, and Fermin but not anymore.

“The hospital called.” he said and as scared as he was, he walked over to your bed and sat down on the chair next to it. You could see him lift his hand and then retract it until he just went for it and held your free hand. The other one had a tube in it.

As soon as your hands touched you felt your eyes tearing, you were too weak to hold them in.

“No no no please don’t cry. You’re okay, I’m here please don’t cry cariño.” he tried reassuring you.

“I hate you.” you murmured but leaned in his touch, it was like your mind and body were fighting each other but no matter how angry you were at him you were happy to see him.

You knew he loved you and that’s the reason your break was so painful, you knew this was just a phase but he wouldn’t let you help. He just pushed and pushed you until you were out of his life.

“I know. I know and I’m so sorry but I’m here now and I’m never leaving again. Y/N I know I can never undo what I did but I’m willing to try everything. I can give you as much space and time as you need, I just want to be with you and I can’t stand being far anymore. I’ll take care of you and I’ll do anything for you.” he ranted with tears in his eyes and kissed every single one of your knuckles.

You wanted to act tough, you wanted to make him pay for not giving you enough attention, making you feel insignificant but in this state there wasn’t much you could do other than relying on his words. You never wanted to be apart anyway and he said he was willing to do the work this time so you believed him. Maybe it was naive of you to do, but you did. You loved him.

That night Fermin never left your side, he held your hand until you fell asleep and when you woke up he was still there watching you with dried tears on his face. His hair disheveled, eyes bloodshot and bags under them but he never looked more handsome to you.

“You need to sleep, don’t you have practice in the morning?” you asked as you slowly came to your senses.

“No, what I need is for you to be okay. Everything else can wait.” he said while placing a kiss on your temple and you smiled at him, it had been a long time since you felt that at peace and it was ironic as you were at a hospital bed.

“I also talked to your sister, they’re going to be here today. It’s the earliest flight they could find.”

You smiled up at him, you were feeling a lot better with little pain left and couldn’t wait to be out of this room.

“Did the doctor say when can I go home?” you asked excited to see your family again.

“Yes, he was in here earlier and said as soon as you woke up he’d come and check. Then we’re free to go.”

Just as he finished talking the doctor walked in and asked you some questions about your injuries and looked at his charts.

“Well, I think you’re ready to be discharged Y/N” he smiled and Fermin helped you get up. You still had to use crutches for a while but other than that you were feeling fine.

Even though you tried to argue, Fermin found a wheelchair and brought it to you just for you to get out of the hospital. He was being over affectionate and helpful and you couldn’t help but feel blessed. You knew you had to have a long talk about what happened but right now you were happy to have him back.

“Wait, don’t you dare get up!” he said as you reached his car. You were about to ask him what until you felt his hands under your knees and on your back carrying you bridal style to his car. You missed him lifting you like a feather, you felt so good when he flexed his muscles like that.

You blushed a little when he placed you down and reached for your seatbelt even though you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself, as he buckled you in you couldn’t fight the urge to lean in and kiss him. He was shocked for a second and you thought maybe you misread the situation but soon his hands found your cheeks delicately holding you while deepening the kiss. You knew this was a hospital and you needed to be respectful but his lips on yours made your world stop, it was just you two. He backed off with a smile on his lips. You pouted a little but that changed when he pressed kisses all around your face and your new bruises. You felt safe and sound.

“Where are you going?” you asked when he started the car. “You don’t even know where I live.”

He turned to you looking a little unsure about what he was about to say.

“I was hoping I could bring you home. Like, our home.”

You thought about it for a second.

“I know I said I’d respect your boundaries and wait and I will I promise but I can’t let you be out of my sight ever again Y/N and I’ll do anything to make you feel at ease, I can sleep in the guest room as long as you want me to. Also, your parents have already been there. That’s our home and I’d do anything to prove it.”

You weighed your options, you could go to your 1 bed hundred year old apartment and be miserable with your parents and sister coming in and be far away from Fermin or you could do what your heart wants to and accept his offer and go back to the only place you’d consider home. With him.

“Vale, take me home Fermin.” you smiled and he smiled even more holding your hand and pulling it over to him kissing every bit of it.

“Thank you, thank you for not giving up on me.” he said.

“Thank you for being there for me when I needed you.”

[dbnightingale24]

React

A Stepcest Love Story About Jim

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Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3

I think my internet has finally stopped hating me, but I can't be too sure. We'll see what happens.

Word Count: 5,531

Warning(s): SMUT (MINORS DNI), Swearing, Stepcest, Infidelity, Step-Daughter/Step-Father relations, Family Drama, Forbidden Love, Lying, Sneaking Around, Emotional Cheating, Drinking, Self Loathing, FLUFF, Crying...I think that's it?

Summary: You and Jim have discovered that you don't want to stop, and don't even want to entertain the idea of it.

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I do not give permission/consent for my stories/works to get posted elsewhere. I do not condone this type of behavior/relationship, this is for entertainment purposes only.

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Chapter 4

You and Jim are horrible people, there’s no other way to put it. Jim woke you up the next day with his head between your legs, and you didn’t even attempt to stop him. Nor did you stop him when he told you get on top of him and get yourself off on him. The first two hours of the day were spent getting lost in one another and, for a moment, you forgot why it was wrong.

Then, you heard your Mother the second you opened the basement door.

“Well, why did ya sleep on the sofa, Jim?!” she snapped.

“My kids are still asleep, Y/M/N,” he huffed as he ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “You were a mess yesterday and-”

“I wasn’t that bad.”

“I had to carry you up the stairs in the middle of the movie.”

“Listen, I’m sorry, okay? I got nervous and they seemed to take more to-”

“That’s been your reason for every time your shit faced now, and it’s always Y/N’s fault.”

“I don’t say that it is-”

“Yes you do, and she’s only here because you asked her to come! Jesus, where’s the woman I met? The woman I fell in love with?!” he snipped and your heart broke.

You wished you’d never come back.

“And you? What do you think?” your Mother asked once she spotted you trying to creep out of the kitchen.

“Please, leave me out-”

“What do you think?” she snapped.

You let out a heavy sigh, because you knew how the rest of the day was going to go.

“I think I should’ve never come back,” you sighed as you leaned against the entry way. “I feel like you do better when we don’t see each other, and I’m not even mad about that. That’s how things have always been between us, and I don’t know why I expected it to change. Since I’ve been home, you’ve been drinking non-stop and an emotional wreck. You asked me to come back and I feel like it’s something I shouldn’t have done. I messed up your progress,” you finished softly as you toyed with your fingers, avoiding her hurt and irritated gaze.

As far as she was concerned, you and Jim were ganging up on her. Hell, if you hadn’t spent the previous night and that morning fucking her husband, you would’ve been able to feel like you weren’t ganging up on her. However, the guilt was eating you alive instantly, and it only got worse when she grabbed a bottle of whiskey off of the top of the fridge. 

It wasn’t even 10am and she’d snapped.

She was drunk off of her ass by 12pm, which meant that it was up to you to save the day for your...step-siblings. 

The day wasn’t even hard because you didn’t like them, it was hard because of what you’d done. With their Father. It didn’t help that they really had seemed to take a liking to you, and they wanted to do everything with you. Especially after your Mother passed out at 1:30pm.

“You alright, Angel?” Jim asked softly once he’d closed the door behind him to your bedroom.

The room that was right next to your Mother’s.

“It’s fine. They go back tomorrow and I’ll go to Ciara’s-”

“I want you here-”

“We already had this talk. Once was enough, Jim.”

“Angel-”

“It’s wrong! You’re married to her! Even if you get a divorce, she’s still my Mother! We can’t just...no, this can’t happen again.”

“I’ve been thinkin’ about ya all day, Angel,” he confessed softly as he made his way closer to your bed.

“You’ve been thinkin’ about fuckin’ me.”

“No, I’ve been thinkin’ about you,” he confirmed softly. “Your smile, the way you laugh, the sound of your laugh, how caring and sincere you are, how thoughtful-”

“Jim-”

“I’ve been thinking about you,” he promised as his right hand cupped the side of your face. “Have you been thinking about me?”

“Jim-”

“Have you?” he asked sincerely as he focused your gaze on him.

It slipped out before you even had a chance to stop yourself.

“Yes.”

You honestly hadn’t meant to get so caught up in the kiss, and you hadn’t meant to give him a blowjob. However, both of those things happened, which led to him fucking senseless in your bed.

Which is, once again, right next to your Mother’s bedroom. The bedroom that she shares with your Stepfather.

You couldn’t get out of that house fast enough the following day. However, when you got to Ciara’s, she wasn’t proving to be much help either. 

“I’m sorry, you two did what?! How many times?!” she squealed before she took a sip of wine.

“We only did that position once, but we had sex.. a few times,” you mumbled, very clearly ashamed of yourself. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

“You’re in love,” she shrugged as if it was the most simple thing in the world.

“I’m in love with my Stepfather. He’s married to my Mother-”

“Your Mother is awful.”

“Be that as it may, she’s my Mother. She wanted to start a new chapter with Jim, and her new found sense of-”

“She did this, love. She created this fake version of herself, then let it all come crumbling down when you came home. She invited you back, then had a meltdown on the both of you. Is this right? Of course not. However, do I understand it? Of course. I know you feel terrible, and I would too, but lets not pretend you meant for any of this to happen. Hell, you didn’t even know she’d gotten married. Yes, it’s wrong, but you both did your best to fight this and seemed like the harder you two fought against it, the more she went out of her way to be problematic,” she sighed as your phone went off again. “What’s goin’ on there?”

“Jim and my Mother have been messaging me all day,” you muttered with an eye roll. “She wants me to come back because she feels awful and is tired of driving me away. He wants me to come back because he misses me and wants to fall asleep next to me. I’m staying far the fuck away from both of them.” 

“You’ll be goin’ back soon enough, and that should help,” she smiled mournfully.

Honestly? It should’ve. It should’ve been enough to keep you focused and your thoughts away from all of the other bullshit. It’s your final year, and you have so many things to figure out. You need to decide on a job, figuring out living arrangements, where you’re going to live, and a million other things. However, Jim was persistent. If he wasn’t calling and texting, he was sending you flowers with the cutest notes attached. 

By day four, you’d crumbled and told him to come to Ciara’s. 

He took you out to dinner at a cute little restaurant outside of town, and spent the entire time picking your brain. He wanted to know if you were excited or nervous about graduating (you told him that it’s an evil mixture of both), he wanted to know if there’s anything in particular you’re excited about getting back to (you told him about the cute dog adoption center that’s not too far from campus that you visit when you’re feeling too overwhelmed), and he wanted to know your favorite things (that had you rambling longer than you meant to).

Yes, the whole thing was sweet, but you rightfully had your reservations.

“Jim, how do you know this is real? No to be a total fucking cunt, but this will be your second failed marriage. What makes you so sure this will work?” you asked softly before you took a sip of your drink.

“This isn’t like what Yvonne and I did. I was in a good marriage and I fucked it up. I fucked it up for selfish reasons and looked for everyone to blame but myself. This...I honestly never knew this side to your Mum. If I had, I wouldn’t have married her in the first place. Yvonne and I...it started for all the wrong reasons. It started for selfish reasons on both of our parts, but this isn’t wrong or selfish, I promise.”

“Your wife made you unhappy-”

“Don’t. This isn’t something I started because I was havin’ a bad day. You just...you’re so beautiful, Angel. I don’t just mean on the outside. You step up when you shouldn’t have to, you’re thoughtful, you’re so damn funny, you’re witty, you’re patient, you’re painfully considerate...I could go on for hours. When everything started to fall apart, you stepped up and kept a level head. Between the two of us, you were the more mature and calm one. Hell, this whole thing started because I can’t control my feelings for you.”

“What about when I make you mad?” you asked timidly as you toyed with your fingers. 

“You’re not your Mum, Angel. We can talk things out and make it work. We can have an actual relationship that works.”

“Your kids-”

“They love you-”

“As their step-sister.”

“They’ll get used to it.”

“Jim-”

“Angel, I love you and I want this with you. I know I have a lot to prove, but I’m willing to try if you are. We’ll...test this out for a few months and you can decide-”

“A few months?! Jim, she’s my Mother-”

“I’m filing for a divorce, Angel. No matter what we do, I’m filing for a divorce. Things aren’t what they were and they never will be again,” he confessed with a scoff, but you could hear the pain in his voice.

He really thought he got it right with your Mother.

“We can’t...we have to take our time with this,” you told him softly as you tried to force yourself to come to terms with what you were saying.

What you were agreeing to.

“We can do whatever you want, Angel. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

“We should wait until we have sex again.”

“If that’s what you want, that’s what we’ll do,” he promised with a nod as the waiter came over to ask if you both if you wanted anything else.

You folded like a lawn chair the second you and Jim were in front of Ciara’s house. You pulled him to the backseat of his car and had him until you were both spent. He ended up sleeping over Ciara’s that night, and he held you so close, as if he were afraid you’d run off in the night.

No, none of it had gone ideally. You and Jim spent every moment you could together, and he made it so easy to ignore the guilt. Every kiss, every touch, every date, every laugh...he made you forget how wrong all of it was. He made you forget that the both of you were committing the worst kind of betrayal.

Which is why you’re now pacing around your dorm room, waiting for his phone call. It doesn’t matter that you have an essay you need to start on, or that you have job applications to fill out, because you miss him and he makes you feel like a lovesick idiot. It also doesn’t help that he sent you a beautiful bouquet of pink peonies earlier in the day.

The second your phone goes off, you almost pounce to answer it.

“Baby?” you ask breathlessly, a smile coming to your lips.

A horrible way to answer the phone for the current situation you’re in, honestly. 

“It’s me, Angel,” he chuckles softly. “I miss you too.”

“In my defense I ‘aven’t been this excited to speak to someone...ever,” you giggle softly and he laughs. “How was your day?”

“A bit stressful, but it was good. I hate drivin’.”

“Why were you driving?”

“Had some things to take care of,” he sighs as someone knocks on your door. “Who’s that?”

“I’ve no clue. I didn’t make any plans with anyone,” you shrug as you make your way to the door and unlock it. “JIM!” you scream, throwing your phone to the side and jumping on him as your legs wrap around him, and he laughs softly. “Why are you here?! How?!” you giggle as you wrap your arms around his neck.

“Hi to you too, Angel,” he laughs, carrying you inside with a smile, before kicking the door shut behind him. “I missed you, and I wanted you to have a good few days before...”

“Before what?” you question with a cocked eyebrow.

“When I go back....I’m filing.”

“Jim...”

“I want this, Angel. I want us. I’m not gonna regret this and I hope you won’t either.”

“I just...Jim...”

“Do you still want this?”

“You know I do, but...you have to really commit. You’re leaving your wife for her daughter. Are you truly sure this is something you want? Are ya sure you want me?”

“Get dressed,” he smiles once he sets you down, “I’ve got somewhere to-”

He’s cut off by a knock on your door, “Y/N, are you in? It’s Mum,” your Mother proclaims from the other side of your door.

FUCK. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

“What are ya doin’ here? Give us a moment, I just got out of the shower!” you panic as both you and Jim try to find a place to hide him.

“Well, Jim is gonna be gone for a few days to go and see a friend, so I figured I should come and see you. We didn’t end on the best of terms.”

“Mum, I really don’t have any issue with you or Jim. It’s just better for you if-”

“I know I haven’t always been the best Mother, but I want to change that. With time, you and Jim will grow to like each other and get along. I know I don’t always act like it, but I want all of this to work. I want us to be a proper family,” she confesses, remorse painfully clear in her voice.

By the look in his eyes, you can tell that Jim wants to say something, but he can’t without giving himself away.

“I don’t hate Jim,” you prattle on as you push him into your bathroom and motion for him to lay down in the bathtub. 

You’re quick to run to the sink and wet your hair, while trying to swallow down all of the anxiety and guilt.

“I don’t hate either of you,” you continue as you look yourself over in the mirror, “I just felt that it would be better if I finished holiday with Ciara. Let you two work on things.”

Lie, lie, lie.

“I just feel like me being around only makes things worse for you, and I don’t want that,” you explain, making your way back over to the shower. “Silence your phone,” you whisper before closing the shower curtain.

Taking a deep breath, you open the door to your room, “I really wish you would’ve called.”

“I figured it would be fine since you didn’t get back too long ago. You don’t have too much work, do ya? We could grab a quick bite,” she smiles hopefully.

You truthfully don’t know what to do, because it’s not like the trip from Dublin to London is an easy one, but Jim also made the same trek and is currently hiding in your bathroom. Seeing as he is about to file for a divorce just to be with you, maybe you should go to dinner with her.

However, Jim did get here first.

“What are you doin’ tomorrow?” you ask, hopeful that she won’t be too hurt.

It’s not as if you’re saying no all together, just not right now.

“Leaving,” she laughs awkwardly. “I figured I’d head back early tomorrow. I’m hoping Jim will come back early and we can talk things out. We got into a bit of an argument before he left, and I’m afraid I’ve really made a mess of things,” she admits shyly.

Fuck.

“Let me grab my things and we’ll go,” you smile solemnly.

Quickly grabbing your phone, you text Jim a quick ‘I’m sorry’, before grabbing your purse and key to your dorm.

“Is there any place in particular that you wanna go to?” you ask, locking the door to your bedroom.

“I figured we’d go somewhere you love. My treat,” she smiles and it only makes you feel worse. 

“We can go to Chez Jules, and don’t worry about me, I can pay for-”

“I’m surprisin’ ya, I should at least pay for dinner. Besides, I put you through a tough Summer-”

“It’s alright-”

“Just let me be a proper Mum for once. Please?”

You hate yourself. You hate yourself to your core. Yes, you and her have always had a turbulent relationship, but never in a million years did you see this scenario playing out as it is. Hell, you honestly didn’t think you two would be in each other’s lives at this point. You and Jim falling in love isn’t even a result of you being angry with her, it just happened. Hell, you fought it so hard because you do actually love your Mother.

Now, it’s just a big mess. You don’t want to hurt her, but you can’t pretend your feelings for Jim aren’t real. You honestly wish you never came home for the Summer.

“How does it feel to be back?” your Mother asks once you’re both seated.

“It’s weird,” you laugh awkwardly, “I can’t believe this is my final year.”

“I’m so proud. Ya did what I couldn’t.”

“You can always go back whenever you want. You know that.”

“It was never for me. I don’t think an of this was ever for me,” she laughs softly.

You don’t even catch yourself as you mumble, “don’t I know it,” slips out.

“ ‘m sorry, Y/N. I really am.”

“I didn’t mean-”

“You’re hurt and you’re angry. You have every right to be. This past Summer...I don’t know why I reacted like I did. I don’t know why I always react the way I do to you. I do love you, I just don’t know how to be a Mother. I never have and I never wanted to be one. I just...I really thought it was a role I could grow in to. I’d like to think I’m better now, but we both know that I’m not and it doesn’t even matter now. You’re an adult all on your own and your own person.”

“Can we not do this in public? I’m too sober for an argument-”

“I don’t want to argue, I want to be honest. I’m trying to...I want to apologize. Ya didn’t know about Jim and for me to react the way I did...I just felt like he was taken with you more than I would’ve liked,” she sighs as the waitress comes over.

“Y/N, I already know your order,” she laughs before turning her attention to your Mother, “for you?”

“Gin,” she smiles.

“Do you need a moment for food?”

“Um, I’ll have the pork loin steak.”

“Mum!”

“Jesus, I can afford it, as can you,” she laughs. “What do ya want?”

“I don’t-”

“She’ll take the braised shoulder of lamb,” your Mother nods, grabbing your menu and handing it back to the waitress.

“Mum, we can’t-”

“It’s a girl’s night!”

“I have class in the morning,” you lie with a giggle. “I can’t be out too late.”

“I won’t keep ya too long,” she smiles. “I just felt like this would be good for us. I was afraid if I called, ya’d say no.”

“I just...time apart has always been best for us.”

“That’s not how it should be. Jim loves ya, his kids love ya, and I just...I got jealous. You getting to the house before me...I should’ve waited, because I knew you would’ve been hurt. It was a big decision and I didn’t even take you into consideration. I was just so in love with Jim and I felt like...I figured I could finally do it, ya know? Be a proper wife and Mother. Be someone everyone could finally be proud of. I didn’t tell Jim much about my past, because it’s not anything to be proud of, but I did tell him about you. I told him that you’re the only thing I’ve done that’s right. I knew you two would get along, but I still had my reservations. The way I had been with him was a side of me you’d never seen, and I was afraid you’d resent me for being better with him and his kids than I ever was with you.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me about him?” you ask, swirling your drink in the glass.

“I don’t know. We were in our own little bubble, and it was nice. I didn’t want to ruin it, and I know you’ve never been a fan of the men I’ve been with, which I can’t blame ya for. I was just scared. It got so bad so fast, and I know it’s on me. I’ve never actually committed to this part of myself and failed before I even gave myself a chance. I let you down, again, and I’m sorry.”

You say nothing as a new wave of guilt washes over you as your dinner is delivered. How could you fuck up this badly? How could you let yourself end up in a situation that will end so horribly?

“I know it was all in my head though,” she continues after the waitress walks away. “Jim barely knows you and you don’t see him like that. You don’t know him well enough to look at him in that light. It was just my own insecurities getting in the way, and I’ll do better. I’ll be better for the both of ya.”

“What did you and Jim argue about before he left?” you ask, doing your best to fight back your tears as you cut up your lamb,

“He’s rightfully angry with me. The drinking, the way I acted around his children, the way I treated you...he said he doesn’t know how to be with me anymore. I was drunk, we both raised our voices, I threw some things...it’s not lookin’ good,” she chuckles humorlessly as she wipes away a few tears. 

“What do you think-”

“He wants to leave me,” she interrupts with a shrug. “He didn’t come right out and say it, but he said it in so many words.”

“Is that what you want?”

“I don’t, but I can tell that he really is at his end. Even with sex-”

“Sex?” you eagerly cut off before you mean to.

You hate that you care so much. 

“Don’t worry, I’m not goin’ to give you too much information,” she laughs softly. “We barely ever have it, and I feel like I have to beg for it anyway. When we do, he never seems to be...in the moment. He always feels a million miles away, and it feels so empty. It was never like this before, and I know it’s on me. I made such a mess of everything this Summer.”

“Maybe you two just need some time apart,” you suggest, knowing damn well that, that won’t solve anything.

The man is waiting for you in your dorm room.

“He seemed pretty put off before he left. I tried to talk to him, but he just...he walked out. He doesn’t love me anymore, and I have no one to blame but myself.”

“Well, why do you do this shite? Huh? You finally had what you wanted-”

“I know, I know,” she sighs, throwing her fork down and drying her eyes with the backs of her hand. “It was goin’ too good. I got too nervous and I just...I let my fears win. I took it out on you, I took it out on him...I can’t fix it,” she sniffles, drying her eyes.

“I can talk to him for you,” you offer quietly.

You fucking idiot.

“My estranged daughter pleading my case for me? That’s even more pathetic,” she scoffs, before taking a sip of her drink then picking up her fork. “Anyway, tell me about school! Are you more excited to be back, or to be graduatin’ soon?”

For the rest of dinner, you try to keep up appearances, but your mind is going a million miles a minute. You know what you need to do, but you also know how much it’s going to hurt. You and Jim have spent so much time trying to build some form of a relationship, and you’re about to destroy it. 

To be fair, the relationship should’ve never happened in the first place.

“You’ll tell me when you’re home and safe?” you ask once you two are back at your dorm.

“Of course,” she smiles, wrapping you in a tight hug, “thank you for this. I really needed it.”

“Of course.”

“I’ll let you get back to your studies,” she laughs awkwardly as she lets go of you. “I love you.”

“I love you,” you smile with a nod before unlocking your door, “let me know when you’re at your hostel, yeah?”

“I promise.”

“Well...goodnight,” you nod once you’re in your room.”

“Night.”

You wait until you see her turn the corridor down the hall before finally closing the door, and letting out a heavy sigh. You know what comes next is gonna break both you and Jim’s heart.

“I know that sigh,” he comments as you close the door.

“Ya can’t leave her, Jim. Make it work.”

“Angel-”

“She’s so in love with you and she’s so sorry-”

“Stop it.”

“She’s my Mother! What do you want me to do-”

“Why do you keep trying to spare her feelings? She did this!”

“Jim, please-”

“I love you, Angel. I’m in love with you-”

“She’s your wife, Jim. She’s your wife and I’m her daughter. Your stepdaughter!”

“I didn’t even know you until I met you! This isn’t some relationship that we built up over years! I met you and we just-”

“Jim...please,” you sob.

He lets out a heavy as he wraps his arms around you, “please don’t cry.”

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be the reason you walk away-”

“She did this! She lied, she drank herself into a stupor, she lied-”

“You married her,” you sob softly, looking up to meet his heartbroken gaze. “I can’t hurt her like this, Jim. I can’t be the reason something else-”

“You’ve never taken anything from her!”

“Jim...”

“I love you! What’s the point of staying with her if my heart isn’t in it? What’s the point of faking it-”

“You two can find that happiness again-”

“I’ve found it with you, Angel,” he husks as he pins you against the wall.

“Jim...stop,” you moan as he kisses down your neck.

“No.”

“Jim-”

“Say it like you mean it. If you really want me to stop, I’ll stop,” he promises, unbuttoning your shorts and pushing them down along with your panties. 

“This...this is the last time,” you whimper as he starts teasing your clit.

“Sure it is, Angel,” he chuckles as he hoists you up and forces your legs around his waist. “Whatever you say.”

“Fuck...Jim!”

“I know, Angel. I need you too,” he groans as you undo his jeans, and force them down.

“I love you so much!”

“Do ya? Do ya want me?”

You know where he’s going with this, and you know it can’t go any farther.

“You know it’s wrong, Jim! We can’t keep on as we are!”

“Lets see how wrong we can be tonight, shall we?” he chuckles as he thrust himself inside of you, barely giving you a chance to breathe before he starts loving you hard and fast.

“Jim...don’t stop!’

“That’s a good girl.”

Yes, you’re going to end things with Jim and do your best to move on from this completely fucked up situation, but for now? For now you just want to live in this moment.

You just want to be with him. 

“I want to be with you,” he pants as he lays you on your bed, before resuming his pace and fucking you brutally hard. “I love you!”

“Oh my God!”

You don’t care if you two wake up the whole damn building.

“Tell me you don’t feel the same! Lie to me and tell me you don’t feel the same!”

“I fucking love...Jesus...Jim! Don’t stop!”

“That’s right, Angel. Take everything I’m givin’ ya,” he husks, pinning your hands above your head as starts biting and sucking on your neck.

“Oh fuck!”

“I’ve missed you so much, my Angel,” he grunts, the feel of his breath on your neck making you clench him tighter. “Fuck, just suckin’ me in!”

“Jim...aht...please!”

“Give it to me,” he groans as you ball your hands into fists.

You squirt hard as you lull your head back and arch your back,”fuck!”

“So good for me, Angel,” he groans as he pulls out.

Before you can whine in protest, he flips you as if you weigh nothing, and you’re instantly ready to go again.

“Hands and knees for me, Angel,” he demands gruffly, and you instantly comply, arching your back and curling your toes in anticipation. “You think we can just stop?” he asks rhetorically, gripping your hips tight before thrusting into you.

“Ah shit!”

“You’re mine, Angel. You’re mine, just like I’m yours,” he whispers seductively against the shell of your ear, thrusting harder and faster.

“Jim...I love you! Fuck, I love you so much! God...that’s it!” you cry out, strangling your pillows as he hits that spot he’s only ever been able to find. “Right fuckin’ there! Don’t stop!”

“Say it! Fuckin’ tell me what I need to hear!”

“ ‘m yours, Jim! All yours, always!”

“Fuck, not gonna...cum with me Angel! Please!” he husks pathetically, resting his head in the crook of your neck, kissing it softly as he coats your inner walls with his desire.

You have no choice but to obey, and you yell his name in the process, as mind numbing pleasure washes over you.

“So good for me, my Angel. So sweet,” he coos as he rides out both of your highs.

You’re quick to collapse onto your bed, trying to clear the euphoric clouds out 

of your head. You don’t know why you thought you’d be able to think clearly 

around him, especially when you’re already so emotional. You know what the 

right thing to do is, but it’s not what you want. It’s not what either of you want.

You hate this so much.

“We can figure this out,” Jim promises softly as he gets in bed next to 

you, instantly pulling you close.

“Jim...what we’re doing is wrong. What we’ve been doing is wrong-”

“I want to be with you.”

“You’re her husband and she’s my Mother. Jim, it should’ve never 

gotten this far. We’re horrible people.”

“Are you afraid of her hating you?”

“I can deal with her hating me. Shes always resented me a bit and 

that’s fine, I’ve always been able to handle it. What’s hard to handle is me 

being the reason she’s heartbroken. She doesn’t deserve that.”

“It wouldn’t be-”

“Jim you may have been the one who initiated everything, but it’s not 

like I ever tell you no and meant it. I want every part of ya just as much as you 

want every part of me.”

“I don’t wanna stop, Angel. I don’t want you with anyone else and I 

don’t wanna be with anyone else.”

“I love you and I’m so happy when we’re together. So fuckin’ happy, 

but this isn’t right. You leaving her for me...Jim, we can’t.”

“So, this is it?”

“We don’t have a choice.”

“We do, you just don’t like the other option.”

“Jim, for as angry as ya are, I know you don’t wanna hurt her.”

“I don’t, but you’re who I’ve always been lookin’ for. We were made for 

each other.”

“Jim...we have to let each other go.”

“After this week,” he sighs heavily, pressing a kiss to the back of your 

neck, “I’ll stay away.”

“Jim, I do love you, it’s just that...this is the right thing to do. Give it a 

few months, and everything will be back to how it was. It’ll hurt for a while, but 

it’ll be alright.”

“How it is now is how it always should be,” he mumbles into your hair 

before pressing a soft kiss into it. “Lets sleep, you have a lot of work to do in 

the morning.”

It’s not like this isn’t ripping your heart up. You want to be with Jim more than 

anything, but you can’t handle hurting your Mother like this. The ultimate 

betrayal. You have to get over this, because what’s the point? Your 

happiness shouldn’t have to make your Mother miserable. No, this is for the 

best. Yes, it’ll hurt and drive you insane for a while, but it won’t always be like 

this. It’ll get better.

Or so you hope.

~~

[armpirate]

I hate how bad I want you || Choi San

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

pairing: Choi San x fem!reader || Boss x employee

w.c.: 2.5k

Warnings: Suggestive, making out

Summary: You hated your new boss with your guts. The mere thought of being around him made you lose it. Or so you thought until you saw a side of him, and yourself that you didn't know of.

You loved your job. You genuinely did. When you graduated, you thought you’d have an awful position in a small company that’d kick your ass after a few months. But unlike your low expectations, everything turned up quite well for you. Of course working as a secretary, when you studied Business Administration, wasn’t the ideal, but for that moment, it was perfect. It was a job that helped you pay the bills -after you were stubborn enough to leave your parents’ house- and allowed you to save some money, your colleagues were great -you ended up befriending most people in the office-, and your boss was awesome. Mr. Choi would always try to be a resource of help for everyone in the company, especially for you. Although you were his secretary, he always tried to show you how upper positions worked, and what tasks they had. Kind of as if he were preparing you for any promotion that could come your way. 

The job was perfect.

Or at least it was before there were some changes, and your position was the first one to suffer a change. While others were transferred to a different area, or directly to a different office, you stayed in the same place -which you thought was great, because your building was only twenty minutes away from your home, by bus. The only difference? Your boss. You went from assisting Mr. Choi, to be his son’s secretary as he was going to join the company after graduating. 

At first, it didn’t bother you. You’d lie if you said you didn’t like the change. San caught your attention the first day he set foot out of the elevator, walking around like he owned the place while his hands were hidden inside the pocket of his gray thick long coat. Just like the rest of the girls in the office, you were part of the group that were drooling over him -except that you did it in secret, instead of being as open as them about it. Mainly, because you were his secretary, and you wanted to keep your job. 

But as time went by, all that attraction started being replaced by annoyance and disgust. You didn’t want to say out loud that you hated him -because it was such a strong word-, but thinking about having to see his face every time you looked up, because he insisted on you being aware whenever he needed something, made you think of calling in sick every morning. Sometimes you’d even think about quitting. 

Okay, maybe you did hate him. But it was justified.

You lost count of the amount of times he fucked up since he started working there, which have been only three or four months. And that wasn’t even the worst part. The problem was that he’d always blame it on you. If he forgot about a meeting, it was because you didn’t schedule it properly -and not because he didn’t check. If he sent an email to the wrong person, it was because your calligraphy was barely readable on those post-its. 

Every day there was a new problem. And, with it, a new excuse to back it up. The problem with that was that he made you look useless and clumsy, and that could affect you during the evaluations at the end of the year. And, unlike him, you needed the good results to stay in the company and be able to pay all the expenses that came from living -basically. 

You got there earlier -as usual. You’d get there almost half an hour before the office started welcoming your colleagues, so you’d have plenty of time to get everything ready, surrounded by silence and calmness.

Thirty minutes later, some people started coming in, barely muttering a low “Hello” if they happened to walk past your desk, a way of greeting that really contrasted with your friend’s, Yana, who would sing out loud while resting her weight near the corner.

“How did your weekend go?” but she didn’t want to know about the several tasks you did back home, or how you argued with your landlady -who wanted to increase your rent out of nowhere. Yana was asking about something more interesting, more juicy.

“It was okay” you shrugged. 

The date was fine, the guy was friendly… but there was no chemistry. Talking to the technician that repaired the printers was almost the same, which was disappointing. Because you genuinely thought there was something going on when you both flirted non-stop in the office.

“Just okay?” she sighed disappointed, standing next to you while she waited for a better explanation.

“Yeah” you nodded, but you knew it wasn’t over.

“Did you invite him to check your cave?” the way she referred to sex made you cringe, moving uncomfortably on the spot. The lack of an answer made Yana insist “A kiss?” she frowned.

But before you could tell her that wasn’t the place nor the moment to talk about that, your new boss made sure to let her know. After making sure Yana flinched enough to stand up, San walked over his desk. His attitude was so weird. Usually, when sitting there, he’d always throw a sided smile at you, and you guessed it was because he knew you hated it. But today he sat there, with his eyebrows frowned while his eyes were lost on his own desk. 

Not like you cared though. If that was a sign that it’d be a calm day for you, you weren’t going to complain. You saw him placing his glasses properly, reaching out to one of the papers so he could read it. 

Looking at him right now, you couldn’t deny the sex appeal he had. His harsh factions made him a man that was easy to slip your eyes to. Way too easy. The problem came up when he interrupted his silence to open his mouth. 

The sound of a notification in your computer made you go back to reality, moving your eyes away from him to focus on the screen in front of you.

Mr. Choi: Did you get everything ready for my meeting?

You: Yes, the samples are on the small table behind you, and I already emailed you the presentation. 

You didn’t need an answer from him to know whether he got it or not, it was enough with lifting your eyes again to see San turning on his chair to pick up all the bound samples and leave them on his desk. 

“Hey, Y/n” another voice got you to finally move your eyes away from your boss. Marshall was looking at you with a smile “I really enjoyed the other night”.

Did he? You made your biggest effort not to frown and show how you didn’t feel the same way. Instead, you tried to match his energy, smiling and nodding, and even lying saying you two should repeat it any time. 

Another notification from your computer interrupted your chat, making you turn to it momentarily to find out that -not surprisingly- your boss sent you a new message.

Mr. Choi: Get ready. You’re attending the meeting, too.

You avoided looking up to San, because you were sure that if you did, the first reaction from you would be showing him your middle finger. You had scheduled an interesting workshop regarding leadership, that was planned by his father, and you wouldn’t be able to attend because your new boss was dumb enough to not be able to do shit by himself. If he had told you earlier, you’d have registered on the one that took place in the afternoon instead, before the inscriptions closed.

“Ready?” you heard his voice over you, while you saw his gray suit behind your computer. “Also, Marshall, don’t you have something to do?” you looked up to the two men, seeing an expression from San that made you want to punch him. It was that arrogant look you knew too well. 

“Yeah, I’m attending the meeting in five minutes as well” he let him know with a smile. 

That answer was something San didn’t expect, and his reaction was curious to you. Because why was he frowning, and clenching his jaw over his employees doing their job?

Too late to backtrack on his decision of having you there, San just waited for you to follow him to the big meeting room. 

San’s attention during the meeting kept shifting to you, seeing how Marshall and you kept exchanging smiles and looks every once in a while. It shouldn’t bother him the way it did, but there he was, trying his best not to throw that man off the window for earning those accomplice gazes from you. 

“Break time” you heard his voice sentence. Looking up to him, you found him twisting his jaw while tilting his head. 

You didn’t know what bothered him, and it wasn’t like you cared either. Honestly, you were grateful for that break, because your body was craving some coffee before being able to keep up with taking notes constantly. “Not you, Y/n” he said, as soon as he saw your attempt to walk to the door. 

Giving you an empathetic smile, Marshall just left the room, while the rest of the attendees also left the room and closed the door behind them. And you just stood there, waiting for him to tell you what he wanted from you, or what he wanted to change in five minutes and that’d put you in a tough position. 

“I see you laughing a lot with Marshall” he mentioned, without even looking at you. 

You couldn’t describe your face at that moment. Both eyebrows arched, surprised by that comment, but also confused by the nature of it. Sure you were paying attention to what was being said, but you were only there to take notes, which you did. It wasn’t your fault that he read the slides you prepared, instead of coming up with something to make it more dynamic. 

“In case you forgot, we’re in the middle of a meeting” he raised one of his eyebrows over the frame of his black glasses. 

You scoffed, not believing you were receiving a lecture about professionalism from the least appropriate person for it. 

“You have something to say?” he asked, finally getting up from his chair and walking over to you. 

You wished you were able to bite your tongue, to form a tie with it so it wouldn’t spill more than it should. But you were so fed up with him, that having San lecturing you about your work made you reply back without giving it a second thought “Quite funny how you’re the one calling this out, as if you hadn’t done worse”.

San tilted his head, with a sided smile forming on his face before he spoke “Difference is that I’m your boss, and you’re my secretary. I can make as many mistakes as I want, you can’t”. By the way he arched his eyebrows, you knew he wasn’t done.

“So talking with a coworker is a mistake now?” you tried to do your best not to laugh in his face.

“It is if it distracts me” he stepped closer.

“For fuck’s sake, you get distracted by a fly. How is that my problem?” It was after exclaiming that, that you were finally aware of how close you two were. You could perfectly see the way his skin wrinkled on his frown, and could feel his heavy and thick breathing making some of your locks move. 

San analyzed your burning gaze, eyes dropping to your plump lips, before he gave in to his wild instincts. His lips captured yours in a rough way, trying to suck into your lower lip as if that would refrain you from pushing him away. 

A wet sound flew between you two when your hands, pressed against his chest, forced him to step back and break the kiss. You were ready to slap his face and leave the room, but something in the way he looked, how his lips were parted for more, built some type of electricity inside of you that clouded your judgment. Because you weren’t seeing your annoying boss anymore, you were seeing a sexy man that was giving you the most shameless of looks with his foxy eyes through his lenses. 

Your tongue clicked, scolding yourself for your thoughts, but also working as a sign of where you lost your mind. Your hands wrapped around his neck, pulling him to you so you’d be able to link your lips together again. His arms instantly moved around your waist, making sure your bodies were glued together. 

You were impressed. Completely surprised by the fact that a two second kiss did more for you than a two hour date. And, to top it all, all your senses went numb because of your boss, instead of everyone’s crush. But instead of fighting all your awakening needs, you just let yourself go, lost in the kiss that made your head turn in circles and turned your knees weak as jelly. 

Just like the entitled asshole he was, he dug inside your mouth without a previous warning, earning a gasp when his tongue pushed yours. You held onto his blazer when his hands started pulling your pencil skirt up, folding it until it barely covered your ass. His hands grabbed it, and you couldn’t understand it, but feeling his growing bulge against your stomach woke up something that you didn’t know you felt about your boss. 

His fingers moved lower, confidently traveling down your legs until they got to your inner thighs while his thumbs still pressed tight over your ass cheeks. One move from his whole body, and he already got you lifted over the crystal table with your legs wrapped around his thin waist.  

Your body reacted to every kiss and every move of his tongue, to his fingers rubbing all over your thighs to spread them wider so he could fit better -and, especially, to the dangerous situation you both were in. 

“I could fuck you right here and now” his raspy voice felt like the most torturous caress in your ear. “, but I’ve already been unprofessional enough, according to you”. 

Confused by his words, you felt his hands dragging your thong down your legs. And instead of being filled with anything that came from him, you felt the cold air hitting your sensitive spot when he stepped back. “Now go and tell everyone to come back inside”.

You tried to reach for your underwear, but his hand was quicker, moving it away before you were able to even touch it. Any hope of having them again disappeared when he saved them inside one of his pockets. “Are you fucking crazy? Give them back” 

“Take it as a punishment for being way too friendly with Marshall all up in my noses” he said, walking back to his seat to act as if nothing had happened between you two. 

Nothing could describe the anger you were feeling, and how you were ready to break each one of the laptops in his head. But you tried to keep your cool, placing your skirt like it was supposed to -thanking god its length was under the knee, so it was easier for you to hide the fact that you were wearing no underwear. 

You swore one of those days you’d kill him, and there was no way you’d feel bad in the slightest.

[mellywritesstuff]

Hello there! I just saw your post and here I am! If you don't mind can I request headcannons for sumeru boys with an exchange akademiya student? Thank you so much :>

YES LET'S GO MY FIRST REQUEST

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Sumeru boys with an exchange akademiya student (GN reader)

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A/N: Sorry this is late, I lost the first draft because I forgot to save it but here it is. This was made at 2:03 AM and published in the afternoon that's why it's a little sloppy but I rlly did try ^^ I also haven't gotten to sumeru- I forgot what the akademiya was (it's a school right?) so its a little vague and ooc

Enjoy my first time writing a reader insert :)

warnings: small suggestive themes, but other then that pure fluff :)

Cyno

- Absolute life-saver be grateful you have him - Despite being the general mahamatra or whatever it is he is- whenever he has the time he's always there to help with your studies

- Have 15 papers due? He'll do them for you just watch.

- You met during your first time in Sumeru and it just sorta grew from there (lucky)

- Ok, hear me out...So your playing TCG right? Somehow this turns into an entire lesson "Alright so [insert akademiya stuff I'm too dumb for] is [insert more akademiya stuff I'm too dumb for]...Y/N are you listening?"

"Cyno, I know what I'm doing I'll be-"

"Basically..."

*insert confused y/n noises*

- He may or may not be a cheat sheet (hehasbigbrain)

Tighnari

- You two met completing your first assignment, and boy was it confusing. First time going anywhere in Sumeru,youtotallydidn'tgetlost - But hey you got a pretty bofie out of it

- Really impressed your an akademiya student like really impressed

- anyways he tries to help you out and relieve your stress, lets you pat his ears and comb your fingers through his tail

- Doesn't want you to be overworked (not really work just studies, which is work WAIT) so he'll drag you along on small outings through the forest whenever you and him have freetime

"Take it slow Y/N."

"Oop watch your step! Be careful!"

"Isn't the forest lovely today?"

- let's be honest your trying to complete your paper the whole time and Tighnari is NOT happy about it. Please pat his ears

Alhaitham

- He was quickly alerted of your arrival in sumeru, word gets around quick and once he met you he feel head over heels for you

- You two are almost always in the same building, and always interacting. Do you even spend time apart from him?

- He doesn't pay much attention to you being an akademiya student, all his focus is just on loving you

- although he's always happy to help you out! - study sessions that really just turn into cuddle sessions. On second thought maybe these sessions aren't effective

- convince me other otherwise you two haven't made out in the corner somewhere

Kaveh

- Your relationship just straight up spawned lol

- tries to help you study but it turns into the most crackhead conversations

"Y/N if we were worms would you still love me?"

"...no"

- ends up clinging to your waist offering no help whatsoever

- please give him attention

- you try to explain to him your essays, but he zoned out when you mentioned the essay was half an hour long

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totallydidntgetlazytowardstheend

also my request are open in case you want to request something idk. I'm just rlly bored all day

[sinnerbanshee]

NakedToaster x Fem Aligned Reader

(fem aligned as in female genitals and body, but they/them pronouns [may right a transmasc version as well]) (Please give me all your feedback!!) (also idk what to headcanon his name as soo)

18+, MINORS + AGELESS BLOGS DNI

Summary: Your husband Toaster and you have been together for 6 years, married for 1. A couple weeks ago you both talked about adding something new in the bedroom, and you both love it.

WARNINGS: Pegging, afab reader

2747 Words, 7 Pages on Google Docs

Tonight will be fun.

You and Toaster (your pretty husband) had previously talked about trying pegging. He was sorta against it at first, but after a long discussion of safewords, color codes, and other safety measures, he felt reassured you would take care of him just fine.

Only issue, this man was a virgin, like hardcore, most he’s ever done prior to you was maybe a kiss on a dare. Though, you both had gotten quite comfortable in the bedroom after you moved in together, all new experiences come with nerves, and that was okay.

Tonight would be taken slow, no matter how much you both got excited, slow.

You had already gone out and bought everything, with his input of course. Though, you did have fun picking out a rainbow strap on harness, why decide on one color when you can get them all?

Anywho, you both decided on an average 6.5 inch pink silicone toy, and some gummy bear lube (you thought it added a fun touch to everything since it was edible and smelled nice).

The silicone would be easy to clean provided you got some cleaner from the store, and the length would hopefully be more comfortable for Toaster than anything else. (though you wanted to get something his length, you decided to keep your evil plans to yourself…..till a later date)

After getting home, your precious lover was out on a grocery run, you had run out of coffee and since you both live on that it’s kinda needed.

The bed had fresh sheets-a nice but cheap pair that you wouldn’t have to worry about ruining-and even got some nice calming candles and room spray, knowing that afterwards the smell of sweat would be prominent.

 The bathroom had some new soaps and some gentle wash clothes since you knew you’d both probably be sore.

Now you just wait for him to get home….which would be another….2 hours.

God you forget sending him out to shop on his own can be a mess, you should’ve just both gone with to the stores, save time. But you also wanted to surprise him with something nice, be sweet and as attentive as he is. God, he’s so sweet, so nice to you, you were so worried he wouldn’t like the surprise.

You know he’d love anything you planned, he always does, even when you fucked up his birthday party that one year because you forgot to get any treats other than the normal food.

The nerves just wouldn’t go away, you had double, triple, quadruple checked hell, you think you went over everything 6 times even.

And then you heard it, his keys turning the door to your little house, you basically ran, tripping down the stairs, to get there before he opened it.

Thankfully you didn’t face plant and beat him to opening the door.

You were smiling wide despite the sweat on your neck, the robe you both previously got on your honeymoon in California, slightly less than perfect as you’d like it, but it’s fine.

He gently kisses your cheek and chuckles at your slightly disheveled hair as he carries the groceries to the kitchen as you follow him like a lost puppy. 

“I got coffee, and a couple sweet treats, I noticed your stash running low so I just got basically everything I know you like.” He blushed a bit, even after dating for multiple years and being married for 1, he could barely keep track of all the candy you liked.

“Oh! You didn’t need to do that honey, I was gonna get some on my way to work tomorrow”

Toaster sets the bags down and turns around, placing his hands gently on your sides as he leans down to gently kiss you.

“I wanted to treat you, I know work hasn’t been the best and I know you treats are one of the many things you look forward to when you get home and…”

He trails off as he looks away nervously, even after all these years he’s so nervous and it’s so cute to you how he’s always so shy after so long.

“Well thank you baby, I appreciate it”

You smile wide and lean into his touch, leaning your head on his chest as you both sway side to side for a couple of minutes in comfortable silence. Times like these were nice, quiet and sweet moments where you’re both just enjoying the other’s company and presence.

He stops swaying and looks down at you again.

“So, I was told you have my surprise ready, yeah?”

Now it was your turn to blush, a slight pink hue came to your cheeks as you nodded and took his hand, gently leading him up to your shared bedroom leaving the grocery bags long forgotten.

As you both entered the room, the candles were lit, a slight scent of lavender and roses went through the air, the bed was made nicely and everything was set on it, your strap on, the lube, even a condom just to be safe and make him comfortable.

You both blush, him more so as he looks at everything, lord, he’s so cute, you can’t wait to enjoy this with him.

“I-I know we talked about it earlier this month, and figured since you had the day off, and we’ve both been busy with work, that we could…have a little f-fun”

The stutter in your voice wasn’t meant to be there, but lord above you couldn’t stop your heart from beating so fast, nor could you stop the adrenaline pumping through your veins, you felt so excited yet nervous. As a couple minutes pass by you look over at your lover, trying to read his expression and body language, though, that wasn’t hard at all when you looked downwards.

He was obviously as excited as you were.

“I-....wow”

He was speechless and you hoped it was the good kind, you gently step in front of him and let your robe slip off, revealing a pastel pink lingerie set, with everything except for the matching underwear.

“I wanted to have some fun, and was hoping this was okay”

You look at him and he nods, swallowing the lump in his throat as he steps toward you, looking you up and down to appreciate the thin lace and silk of your lingerie.

“Y-Yes, I was actually gonna ask about when we would uh….d-do this”

He fidgets, desperately trying to adjust his jeans to try and be more comfortable.

You smile and kiss him gently but with passion as your hands trail down his sides and to his front, slowly unzipping and unbuttoning his pants before eagerly getting on your knees to pull them down with his boxers.

“I’m glad, I wanted to treat you just as well as you treat me”

As you look up for a second you smile and then work on his pants, teasingly pulling them down before happily kissing his lower stomach down his happy trail to his cock.

“I want you to know I love you just as much as you love me, I love seeing you so cute and so shy, and I love how nice and sweet you always are”

His eyes are intently watching you as you gently kiss his lower regions, leaving the occasional lick here and there to tease him. 

God, you enjoyed his eyes on you so much. It was exhilarating knowing how intently he paid attention to you all the time.

You make eye contact, his face and neck flushed a light pink as you slowly push his member inside your mouth, letting out a small hum of content before bobbing your head up and down slowly.

The soft groans he let out were so nice, he was barely ever vocal, no matter how much you told him you loved his voice. You hope you can make him louder.

You pull back and gently kiss his tip before standing up and gently running your hands up and down his sides.

“Get undressed, please?”

You smile softly at him and he nods, not wasting too much time as he strips down, letting you look at him in all his naked glory, no matter if he had scars, tattoos, piercings, his body would look perfect to you, no matter what.

You kiss every single mole and freckle he has on his body, cherishing him as he does you and you run your hands over his inner thighs before standing up and kissing him eagerly, him kissing back with just as much passion.

His hands copy yours almost exactly as he runs them all over your body as much as he can.

You gently step backwards to lead him to the bed, pushing the items set over to the side as you pat a spot for him to sit.

He complies and sits down, still slightly nervous as he tries to look everywhere but down at himself, knowing he is as excited as you are, and it’s showing very much.

You get on your knees again in front of him and set your hands gently on his thighs.

“To go over, you remember the safe word, and colors right love?”

He nods before responding.

“Strawberry, green for I’m fine, yellow for slow down, and red to stop completely”

I nod and kiss his inner thighs.

“Correct, now don’t get nervous or scared to say anything, I am here to take care of and love you, and if that means stopping for a break or even for the night, I am fine with it. I just want you to be comfortable and okay with everything we do”

He smiles softly and nods as he looks at you, love and adoration in his eyes.

You sit up and grab the strap on and lube.

“Now, I also know we talked about you enjoying yourself prior to this so you know whether you like it or not”

His face goes almost bright red when remembering the talk as he nods.

“Have you?”

He chuckles nervously.

“Y-Yes, I uh….bought some things a couple days ago to make sure I was comfortable with e-everything”

You smile wide at him, a mischievous glint in your eye.

“And?...”

You trail off as you make eye contact with one another.

“I-I enjoyed it….a lot”

You giggle softly and gently caress his thigh.

“Good, do you wanna do full on prep or just some since you’re okay with it”

“Just a l-little”

You stand up and gesture to him to lay down and turn over, as he complies he arches his back a bit so his hips are higher.

You give a slight slap that makes him jump a little before grabbing the lube and putting some on your fingers, slowly inserting 2.

“Cold baby”

He lets out a soft moan, gripping the sheets at the slight stretch feeling, tensing up slightly and shivering from how cold the lube is.

As you slowly move your fingers in and out you feel him relax more and let out slightly louder moans.

You lean down and gently kiss down his back, admiring his freckles that are splattered all over him, they are beautiful, almost like stars against his skin.

Your free hand, not covered in the sticky lube gently traced up his back, down his side, and to his front before slowly and teasingly jerking him off.

As his moans get louder your hands speed up. 

You stop just before he’s able to cum, both of you panting as you lick the hand that was on his dick clean of the pre that leaked, not bothering to wipe the other one off as you grab the strap on.

As you put on the harness, you move your lingerie out of the way, don't wanna get it too dirty before you can wear it a second time. 

You gently caress Toaster’s back again as you grab the lube to cover a good half of the blue dildo, using your free hand to jerk the silicone so it was evenly coated. 

Slowly you lined your hips up with his before gently putting your hands on either of his sides.

“Ready babe?”

He nodded and you leaned down to kiss the back of his neck.

“Words honey, you know the rules we talked about.”

He shuddered a bit, most definitely not used to you being the dominant one, you could tell he was blushing, the back of his neck was slightly pink and heated up.

“Y-Yes”

Your hips slowly press into his, the slicked up silicone of the dildo slowly being pushed inside him as you both slightly tense up, you more so because he tensed than anything else.

Once bottomed out, you rubbing soothing circles on his sides and gently leave kisses, licks, small nips down his back as he starts to relax.

You watch as his back arches, pushing his hips impossibly close to yours, it almost made you giggle.

His legs shook slightly, obviously not used to being in this position as he took shaky breathes.

“F-Feels deep….is this what i-it’s like when I…” He trails off, the rest of his question obvious as you slowly start moving your hips, slowly and gently thrusting in and out of him.

“Actually, it’s deeper for me, but youuuu, didn’t wanna get one that’s your length”

You playfully smack his ass.

“Honestly if this feels deep? I think your length reallyyy would have you being loud”

The thought of him being the one screaming instead of you sounded nice as hell. Other than the fact your neighbors would be pissed off again.

Your hips keep moving, steadily picking up pace until you’re pulling his hips to meet yours at a nice and steady pace.

The harness was doing wonders for you, it had some nubs built into the actual genital area, while you’re pretty sure it’s to help keep it from slipping off too easily. Those little plastic nubs were working wonders on your clit. 

It wasn’t long before you both were being loud as fuck, between Toasty getting jerked off and pegged, and the harness rubbing against all the right spots on you. Y’all could probably wake the whole town. (If you hadn’t already)

After a couple minutes of the steady pace, as you get closer to your release you speed up, hips practically snapping against his as lewd squelching noises could be heard.

Your hand followed the quick pace your hips set as best as you can, you hear him whimper as his hips buck into your hand, his cum coating your hand and the sheets under him as his legs all but give out.

Seeing him cum from you like this made you speed up, his soft moans and whimpers spurring you on until the harness around your pelvis was covered in your own juices.

Your hips slow to a halt, the dildo bottomed out inside Toaster as you lean down and greedily kiss him as your hands wonder over his sweaty and sticky body.

After a couple minutes of making out, you both needed air, so you pulled back. You slowly pull out of him, hearing a soft groan as he finally lets his body go limp, closing his eyes.

As you slowly take the harness off and kinda waddle to the bathroom, your legs almost like jelly. Now you understand why Toasty lays in bed for a couple before cleaning you off.

You grab one of the new soft washcloths and wet it with warm water and the littlest bit of soap as you waddle back to the room.

Gently, you run the washcloth over Toaster’s body, occasionally going over a spot twice if you felt it needed it. After all the sticky lube and his cum were cleaned off him, you wiped yourself clean and threw the towel into the towel basket, putting away the strap on and everything else you then got comfy next to your lovely husband.

You gently kiss his forehead.

“Baby, you awake?”

He makes a soft groan in acknowledgment back at you, his eyes still closed. You giggle softly and cuddle close to him, closing your own eyes.

“I love you, Toasty” He hums and you see him smile tiredly.

“Love you too honey”

You take his glasses off and put them up, both of you falling asleep comfortably holding the other.

(Please lmk what y'all think, first time writing in this new style and also my first pegging and first fluffy smut)

[scentofdriedflowers]

so I bit the bullet and watched the svu premiere today and well for me it was... meh on the characters/squad... better on the case (heard it was from a real story kind of so...)...

squad is still a mess

Bruno and Velasco are kind of useless and boring I don't see why they're still there, sorry not sorry, one of them AT LEAST gotta go. They don't bring much if anything to the plate like, dudes have been there for 2/3 years now and have still 0 personality and the acting is wobbling at best, also how the fuck Bruno is dressed? he looks like he just got off bed, dude?!

new girl, Silva is it?, is meh, don't like her much, kinda like muncy but better acting at least, I need more to see, now is kind of a show off and bit arrogant on her 'i know things i'm from homicide' like gurl, you've been there 3 weeks tone it down a notch will ya? svu is gonna mentally challenge you, but at least she's kind of competent and can do the boys job alone lol. Imagine being mentored by Velasco tho LOL! big laugh I had there lmao. get me Rollins back ffs

I save Liv and Carisi here, at their best! thank god for a court scene fucking finally they remembered they have a court set. God I missed Amanda being there supporting him and watching him do his magic. Defense lawyers are kind of limp tho, I miss Rita Calhoun or Barth or Buchanan kind of lol assholes sharks but good. Fin is Fin, weird comment on the gun at the shooting range but whatever.

Talking about the shooting range, kind of weird/cringe, what was that?? this showrunner way to write 'team bonding' lol? news flash it didn't work. Also kind of coding this new girl as the Rollins replacement number...5? 6? lost the count , oh look she can shoot 🙄

I still found so many scenes were I'm: 'Amanda should be here', 'it's missing Amanda Rollins hour', yeah there still a big Rollins-shape hole in the squad room, still want her back there, big time.

Also Curry, only 'new' character I really like, but what the fuck is she still doing there??? why? what's the point? she doesn't look and act like a captain that's offending for her, I'm offended on her behalf! get her the deputy chief position for fuck sake! I thought that was the whole point on reintroducing this character!?!!! why Graziano is ruing characters that are not even his?! or if she likes so much svu get her to take the bronx svu to fix and lead, she get the boys out of Manhattan and we're good, and we see 16th interact with her in some episodes.

Bottom of the line it wasn't super horrible but it didn't feel like SVU, it doesn't feel like SVU anymore, since season 24 since Rollins left there's no family squad, they're just coworkers, no found family feelings, no meaningful private scenes, no real bonding...only happen sometimes when the core 4 are together and we need Rollins for that, they don't know how to introduce new characters and make them stick and be loved. When they introduced Amanda, Amaro, Carisi and Barba they were big presence since episode 1 and loved right there, when they introduced Mike Dodds or Kat or Garland they were swept in the family too, but now nothing. Maybe there's no chemistry/feelings with this new actors like there is with Mariska, Ice T, Kelli and Peter, but it's lacking the heart of SVU. and I don't see it happening anytime soon. Also still missing Amanda like crazy and not worth losing sleep over this show. I think I'll tune in when the Rollisi family is in, so episode 3 and 4 for now I guess lol.

rant over✌️

Ah I forgot new opening credit is yikes you get mariska and then a string of men, i think they put the new girl in it already just because if not it looked really bad with just a men cast with M, especially for a show about 99% women trauma. And why it looks so dark?? Why they all dressed in black or dark colors? it ain't a Johnny Cash song, it's missing some colors, also a blonde, just saying. And the precinct too, I miss season 17-20 layout, it had warm colors.

[aperrywilliams]

We Could Try (Part 8): Stay With Me (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)

(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)

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Author Masterlist / Clueless (prequel)

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader

Summary: The team finds out where Turpin has Valerie and Reader. Will they get there on time?

Word Count: 4.6k

Warnings: Angst. Case's description. A hostage situation with blows, cuts, and blood is described. Hospital things and CM usual stuff. If I forgot something, let me know.

A/N: Here is another chapter, folks! The next one will be the last of this series. Thank you for your support so far. I love y'all!

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'Spencer? Spencer! Stay with me!'

(Y/N) held Spencer's head as she put some pressure on his neck where the wound was located. Everything around them was a mess. Gunshots were coming and going, and (Y/N) only could focus on why, for God's sake, the paramedics couldn't reach them faster.

Spencer barely blinked and was trying to say something, but (Y/N) insisted on him not doing it.

'Stay with me. Just squeeze my hand. Don't talk; you need the oxygen.'

'I - I lo-' he mumbled but couldn't finish because he passed out. At that moment, (Y/N) freaked out. When she was about to crumble, the paramedics arrived and started to check on Spencer. Morgan held her tight from her middle section to separate from him so the paramedics could do their job.

Hotch didn't let her ride in the ambulance, but he drove them - (Y/N), Blake, and JJ - to the hospital.

The hours waiting for news about Spencer's condition were endless. (Y/N) paced from one corner to another, biting her nails. Her friend could die, and she couldn't do anything. Yeah, her 'friend.'

Seven years on the team, and (Y/N) still didn't confess her feelings for her coworker and friend. Maybe she has lost her chance. The thought was unbearable. (Y/N) swore that if Spencer made it, she would tell him everything.

When the doctor announced Spencer would fully recover, (Y/N) breathed again. Hotch - who always knew about (Y/N) and Spencer pinning for each other without them even knowing - instructed (Y/N) to stay with him as the rest of the team worked to wrap the case and catch the bastard shot Spencer.

She didn't leave his side for hours, grabbing his hand and squeezing it to convince herself he was alive and will be okay.

-

(Y/N)?! Can you hear me?

A frantic voice rang in (Y/N)'s ears. Spencer?

Recovering her senses, she realized the voice wasn't Spencer's. It was Valerie's.

That meant two things: she was still alive, and Valerie was still alive. However, the pain and numbness in various parts of her body told her she was not in the best condition. (Y/N) couldn't move her body, and it was hard for her to breathe. The son of a bitch had given her a good beating.

"(Y/N), please tell me something. Tell me anything," Valerie spoke again.

Valerie watched her breathe, but she didn't know for how long. There was terror in her voice. The fear that (Y/N) was dying.

"How long has it been since he left?" (Y/N) murmured. Valerie sighed, somewhat relieved when she heard her voice.

"Half an hour or so," she responded by watching intently as (Y/N) moved her body to regain some consciousness.

(Y/N) knew they didn't have much time left. She suspected the team knew everything by now, and they were trying to find Turpin's location. But it was unlikely that both could be saved at the same time. And given the conditions, Valerie had a better chance.

"I have to tell you something," she whispered to Valerie. "It's important," she added.

Valerie didn't know if she was going to like what she was going to hear.

-

"But in this case, significant to whom? Valerie or (Y/N)? Or both?" Rossi asked. They were discussing where Turpin could have (Y/N) and Valerie.

"Their paths never crossed before. I mean, until, well-"Luke trailed off, looking at Spencer.

"Until me. Yeah. I know," Spencer finished Luke's statement. The team members looked at each other knowingly, but Green didn't understand. He was about to ask when Prentiss interrupted.

"I hate to say this, but it has to do with (Y/N). She's the alpha here. She's a threat to Turpin. Not Valerie."

Spencer was aware that Emily might be right, which meant that possibly (Y/N) was having the worst time right now. He racked his head for somewhere in New York that might have meaning to (Y/N) and Turpin might know about.

"Some place she could have mentioned regarding her job in Boston and linked to New York?" JJ urged.

"I'm thinking! She barely has left the city if it was not to come to DC!" Spencer reacted, pacing in the room.

"There is no way he could know about her in DC. He knows her from the investigation the Boston department did," Emily concluded.

Something clicked on Spencer after Emily's words.

"She told me once she couldn't come to DC because of a seminar she needed to attend out of Boston. Four months ago," Spencer mentioned.

"Garcia, search for a seminar (Y/N) attended four months ago. Possibly in New York," Rossi instructed. They were holding their breath until Garcia spoke.

"Sorry folks, she was a speaker in a seminar four months ago, but it was in Filadelfia. There are no flights or bookings of her in New York until now."

"Shit," Rossi mumbled. Spencer shook his head.

"Wait. What was it about? What did she present?"

Garcia typed for a couple of seconds. Emily looked at Spencer, confused.

"Oh! You're a boy genius, indeed," Garcia chirped. "She presented two cases about serial killers on the loose—the killings of New Haven, Providence, and Boston. And! the killings in Astoria Park two years ago. In both, she consulted." she clarified.

"That's how he knew about her. Turpin knew she was working on the case," Tara commented.

"What about the Astoria Park case?" Spencer asked again.

"In the presentation, she mentioned both cases were highly important for her as an FBI agent, and she compelled the audience to not forget about them," Garcia explained.

"That's it. Turpin knew about that," Luke concluded.

They got everything they could about the Astoria Park cases, crossing references with recent traffic footage and cellphone triangulation. That is how they got an address—an abandoned building located on one corner of Astoria Park where the first victim was found.

"We got you, son of the bitch!" Rossi chimed as the team quickly prepared to go. They knew the time was ticking, and things could turn pretty messy after two days. Green also called the SWAT team to help with the takedown.

Spencer just hoped it wasn't too late and both (Y/N) and Valerie were okay. Bouncing his leg nervously, he could only think of everything he wanted to say to (Y/N).

-

Valerie's screams alerted Turpin that something was happening in the basement. Quickly he grabbed his gun and ran downs stairs. Valerie was yelling at the top of her lungs.

"You killed her! Son of the bitch!"

"What's wrong with you?!" Turpin urged, looking at Valerie for an explanation. Valerie was fully crying, shaking the chains that kept her tied up. Turpin's eyes widened. Turpin knew how badly he had beaten (Y/N), but she was alive when he left, and he thought she could endure a little more. He wasn't done with her yet.

(Y/N) was lying on the floor, in the same position where he had left her a while ago. He moved closer to take her pulse while Valerie continued to yell angrily. Turpin felt some pulse, but it was almost unnoticeable.

"Shut up! She is still alive. Don't be dramatic," Turpin said, moving closer to Valerie now, ready to hit her to stop her screaming. Valerie gulped, seeing him approaching but kept yelling at him.

"Don't lie! You killed her!"

"Enough!" Turpin demanded, hitting Valerie with the back of his hand. "If you don't shut up, I'll kill you first!" She yelped from the blow but turned her head quickly to spit on him.

"You coward!" Valerie yelled again. But when he was about to assert another blow on her, (Y/N) launched over Turpin, pushing him onto the floor. The gun he had, fell a few meters from them.

What happened next was just confusion. Turpin clearly didn't expect to be attacked, almost thinking (Y/N) lay dying on the floor. Now, (Y/N) barely had any strength, but she managed to land a couple of blows that disoriented him. Still, (Y/N) was at a disadvantage. Valerie was still tied up, and (Y/N) had no other weapon except for her own hands.

Instinctively Valerie struggled against her restraints, praying they would give so she could break free. Turpin managed to recover a bit and pushed (Y/N). He quickly went to grab the gun from the floor, but after so much forcing, Valerie managed to free one of her hands, enough to throw her low body onto the gun and kick it in the direction of (Y/N) before Turpin could reach it.

It was a matter of seconds between (Y/N) grabbing the gun and Turpin launching on her to get it back. Valerie watched in horror how they fought and how Turpin was about to take the weapon from (Y/N) 's hands.

-

The team arrived at the building, quickly descending from the SUVs as the police and SWAT cordoned off the area.

But before Green and Prentiss could settle any strategy, two shots were heard from the inside.

"Shit," Prentiss mumbled. Green took the lead and yelled to the SWAT team.

"Go! Go! Go!" 

Then a bunch of SWAT rushed inside.

"No, no, no, no. (Y/N)!" Spencer shouted, ready to run to the entrance, gun in hand. JJ tried to stop him with her hands on his shoulders.

"Spence! We don't know yet what's going on," she reasoned.

"But (Y/N) is in there! I'm not staying here," Spencer broke free of JJ's grasp and kept running towards the shot source. His heart was beating fast and, in his mind, only one thought: 'she has to be okay; please let her be okay.'

When Spencer reached the basement, (Y/N) was on her knees, arms still holding the gun towards Turpin, who was on the floor, dead. Valerie was in a corner, her free arm covering her head.

(Y/N) looked frozen on the spot, her hands shaking.

"(Y/N), can you hear me?" Spencer asked cautiously, approaching and holstering his gun. "He's dead. Hey, look at me. It's over."

(Y/N) looked so far away. Her trembling hands didn't falter the grip of the gun, though. It was like being in alert mode but only focused on the threat, not the surroundings. Spencer knew so well that headspace, and it broke him to witness it on (Y/N).

"Yeah. It's me. Come on, give me the gun. It's over (Y/N)"

Spencer slowly approached in hopes of bringing her attention back. (Y/N) looked pale, although all the bruises and blood covered her face. It was like she was about to faint at any moment.

"She's severely injured! She needs a medic!" Valerie yelled at the same time (Y/N) left the gun's grasp and fell to the floor.

Spencer kneeled quickly to catch her before her head could touch the floor.

"Spencer-" she mumbled when their eyes met. Immediately he inspected her body, locating each wound at sight.

"It's okay; it's over. You did it. You caught him," Spencer reassured her.

"I - I didn't know. I'm so-" (Y/N) only could babble at this point. She felt so weak, and even if she didn't want to give up, her body was telling her otherwise.

"I know. I know. It's okay. You are safe now. I promise." But (Y/N) didn't react. She felt her eyes heavy and her body numb.

Tears started pooling from Spencer's eyes.

“(Y/N)? Look at me. Hey, stay with me!" Spencer shouted to catch her attention, but (Y/N) had her eyes shut now, her breathing uneven, and her pulse was barely there.

"We need a medic here!" Valerie kept bawling as a SWAT member untied her.

Two paramedics rushed over (Y/N) to control her vitals. Spencer didn't want to move from her side, but Prentiss, who had entered the basement a few seconds ago, pulled him to give the paramedics room to work.

"We need to move fast! We're losing pulse!" One of the guys checking on (Y/N) shouted as they maneuvered her into the stretcher.

Spencer wiggled to get free from Emily's grasp, but with Luke's help, he couldn't.

"Come on, man. We'll ride to the hospital. Let them do their job," Luke told Spencer.

Another paramedic and Tara were checking on Valerie, who was still shocked by the ordeal. It was hard to believe, and she was grateful for being alive, but she had a sharp feeling of guilt punching her stomach. She had never felt that way before.

-

Spencer hated hospitals. But truth be told, who could like a place like that? Not the BAU members, of course. Each one has had a non-grata experience with hospitals in their life.

Now it wasn't the exception.

Spencer was sitting in the waiting room with JJ, alert for any news about (Y/N) 's condition. Prentiss and Green were dealing with the scene in the basement with Luke and Matt's help. Tara and Rossi were talking to Valerie and getting her statement.

"It took us too long to realize it was him. We wasted too much time. We could have gotten there before he beat her like that," Spencer lamented, his body leaning forward, with his hands holding his head and eyes on the floor.

"Spence, don't do that. You need to focus on her recovery. What it's done, it's done," JJ squeezed his elbow. She wanted to get him out of those guilty thoughts, but Spencer wasn't getting the memo.

"I'm scared, JJ. I'm so fucking scared," he paused to control the urge to cry. "I can't imagine what would be my life if she- if she- God. Not like this, please," he sniffled. JJ hugged him, and Spencer let himself cry in her arms.

"I - I have been so selfish, JJ. I didn't see through and accused her of the same thing I did to her in the past. I'm so stupid." Spencer needed to spill it out. JJ tightened their embrace, but Spencer wasn't done talking yet.

"Time. How absurd that sounds now, uh? I thought time would be enough to fix what I did to her. Now time is escaping through my fingers."

He felt powerless and so afraid. All doubts and mixed feelings he could have before no longer mattered. The love of his life was fighting to stay alive, and Spencer couldn't do anything to help her.

It wasn't entirely clear how much time had passed, but it seemed endless in that waiting room.

Spencer didn't want to move from there until he could have some news. The team showed up a couple of times to check for information too. They were visibly worried but tried to keep their spirit high to prevent Spencer from crumbling.

It was almost night when a doctor came to give an update. Spencer was keeping company with Prentiss at that moment.

"Agent (Y/N) (Y/L/N)?" The doctor asked. Emily and Spencer stood at the same time.

"I'm her unit chief Emily Prentiss, and he is agent (Y/L/N) 's boyfriend, doctor Spencer Reid. How's she?" Emily asked. The doctor nodded.

"I'm doctor Roland. I performed the surgery on the agent (Y/L/N). She came in really bad condition and even flatlined a couple of times. But we were able to stabilize her. Her condition is still critical, though. We need to monitor the next few hours. If she can make it through the night, we have good chances."

Emily and Spencer nodded. They understood what that meant. Spencer asked if he could see her, and doctor Roland agreed. Emily knew Spencer wouldn't leave (Y/N) 's side, so she requested updates and promised to come back with some clothes for him.

(Y/N) lay there, several machines controlling her vitals. She had bandages on her head and arms. Spencer suspected the rest of her body was in a similar condition. Her face showed dark bruises and red marks from the dried blood.

"Hey, love. The doctor said I could stay here with you tonight. Is that okay? I hope it does," Spencer mumbled, approaching the bed. His hands were shaking.

He kept there, contemplating her- watching her chest rise and fall with each breath. Confirmation that she was still there.

Spencer felt a lump in his throat from fear and the stuck words he hadn't been able to get out in months. 

As the distance grew between them, Spencer could tell that something was wrong, but he didn't think (Y/N) 's doubts were still hunting them closely, and he was to blame for that.

"I know you're still mad at me. I'm so sorry. But I promise I didn't want to hurt you. I love you too much to ever think of doing it. I mean, I know I did back then. And I hated myself for that. I still do."

Adrian's words echoed in Spencer's head: (Y/N) had left DC because of him, because of his poor decisions and the foolish idea that by pushing (Y/N) away, he could protect her from himself. That seemed so stupid now when she was lying in that hospital bed.

"You know? My therapist told me I needed to consider what I wanted for our relationship. That I already made all the amends I had to, but all possible amendments still seem so insignificant compared to the pain I caused you."

His shaky, scratchy voice was evidence of the tears he had shed in the last few hours. Spencer cleared his throat to keep talking, hoping that maybe (Y/N) could hear him.

"You said that you didn't trust me enough yet. And I understand. I thought time would be enough to get that trust back, but I didn't notice you weren't ready. And I pushed it. Selfishly I pushed it."

His hands held one of hers. Despite the hospital's cold, Spencer could feel the warmth of her touch. Gently stroking her hand, he wanted to feel closer to her.

"I promise not to do it again. But please, come back to me, my love. Stay with me. Please," Spencer begged with tears pricking the corner of his eyes.

Spencer truly hoped that (Y/N) could hear him in some capacity - that he could convince her to keep fighting.

-

After being discharged, Valerie asked a nurse about (Y/N) 's condition, and the nurse told her what room (Y/N) was in.

Valerie peeked through the door and saw Spencer in a chair, an arm stretched, holding (Y/N) 's hand. It was nearly midnight by now; maybe not a good time to show up, but she was already there.

"Hey. Sorry for bothering you," Valerie apologized, peaking Spencer's attention. He turned to look at her, giving a slight nod.

"Hi. How are you feeling?" Spencer asked, seeing the bandages she sported and the cast holding her right arm.

"I'm okay. Just a sprain and a couple of bruises and cuts. How's (Y/N) doing?" Valerie hastened to ask, stepping inside the room.

"She hasn't woken up yet. The doctor says if she can make it through the night, she has better chances," Spencer informed.

Valerie could see all the distress written on Spencer's face. It was painful for anyone could see. 

"I'm sure she is fighting. She'll make it," Valerie said, eyeing the girl in the hospital bed. Spencer frowned as he stood to grab a cup of water from the side table.

"You don't have to be kind, Valerie. You don't even need to be here. You can go home," Spencer said before sipping from the cup. Valerie nodded.

"I know, but that woman saved my life. Kind is the least I can be," she stated. Spencer squinted his eyes at her. Was she being honest, or was it another Valerie's thing before coming up with an ominous remark?

"Yeah. It's not something I like to say, but I owe (Y/N)," Valerie continued. She knew Spencer didn't believe her and didn't blame him. "Ironic, uh? I mean, after the things between us and how 'highly' I spoke about her in the past," Valerie sighed at Spencer's frown. "Spencer, I'm not proud of what I did. And you don't have to believe me at all, but it's true."

Spencer blinked a couple of times, trying to think what to say. He was tired, and the last he wanted was to deal with Valerie and that story. It was too much already.

"I don't want to be rude, but it doesn't matter if I believe you," Spencer said, shooking his head.

"Understandable. I just wanted you to know something, though. She asked me to tell you something, actually." Valerie said, flicking her gaze between (Y/N) and Spencer.

"She did what?" Spencer asked in disbelief.

"After she told me about her plan to get us out of there - well, get me out of there because she was sure she wouldn't make it - (Y/N) made me promise I would tell you how sorry she was. About pushing you away. About doubting of you," Valerie recounted.

"(Y/N) told you that?"

Valerie nodded.

"Yeah. Honestly? I don't think she stopped thinking about you all the time we were there. I heard her mumbling your name a few times."

That wasn't the only thing Valerie wanted to say, though. Since the basement ordeal, she kept thinking about her shared past with (Y/N) and Spencer. Things looked so different now.

People say when you face a near-to-dead experience, you start to question your past decisions and actions. It happened to Valerie, and the summary she got didn't make her feel better.

"I made a mess in your relationship. I know that. It doesn't matter why I did it, but I did it. And the extent of my doing? It doesn't make me proud."

Spencer scoffed. It was nearly unbelievable to him to see Valerie taking the blame he had in the first place.

He did it. He hurt (Y/N). Valerie was involved in his poor decisions, but it was all his doing.

"Well, I guess we are two feeling the same," Spencer muttered, shifting his weight from one foot to another. His finger played unconsciously with the styrofoam cup.

"You know? I can stop thinking about the night she asserted her fist on my nose. It was true I provoked her. You already know that. What you don't know is what I said to her," Valerie prefaced, toying with the cast strap. Spencer sighed, remembering that night. 

"That we were sleeping together before she broke up with me? I already know that. And you knew it was a lie," he said curtly.

"Yeah, that too. But that wasn't all." Spencer quirked an eyebrow. He always wanted (Y/N) could tell him about that night, but she always refused, telling him it was not worth even mentioning. He never pressured her into that again.

Valerie told him everything that happened. This time, all facts, no lies. She recounted that (Y/N) was worried about him. She said that she told (Y/N) to stay away. And most importantly, how insignificant she made (Y/N) feel, telling her she wasn't enough for Spencer and people only pitied her—telling her that she was weak for not fighting for him.

"I hit a nerve. It was clear I did."

Now things made more sense to Spencer, especially what (Y/N) told him in the precinct days ago: 'It's not on you, Spencer. It's - it's on me.' She was insecure, not because Spencer did something this time; it was the fear of that night. The suspicion that Valerie could have been right.

"You told her that?! Valerie, what the fuck?" he asked, exasperated. Valerie couldn't say she was surprised by his reaction.

"I wanted to hurt her. Of course I was going to use that. Again, I'm not proud," she admitted, twitching her nose uncomfortably.

"Why are you telling me this, anyway?" Spencer folded his arms over his chest. Valerie shrugged. She wasn't sure why either.

"I guess it's because I'm being selfish. I needed to let it out. And you needed to know. (Y/N) was right. I didn't love you the way you deserved. But she did, and she does. Seeing you two these past few days made me realize that (Y/N) is your match in so many ways. That commitment to others and dedication? It's what your jobs mean to you." Spencer looked confused. Valerie continued. "You belong here, Spencer. I thought you didn't, but I was wrong. You are made to be a profiler and to work in the BAU. And most importantly, you belong to her. You deserve her, and she deserves you. And I know you don't give a shit what I think or say, but it's true. I think you should know."

"Does it matter if it's possible that she never could make it?" he asked bitterly. Valerie pursed her lips in a tight line.

"It matters because you will have the chance to be together again. And it matters because you need to ensure she doesn't doubt her worth again. No matter if a woman like me tries to get her nerve."

It was the first thing Valerie had said that Spencer was willing to take as advice in a long time. Perhaps it was the certainty with which she said 

he and (Y/N) would have the chance to be together again. Or maybe because now things made sense, and Spencer was determined to prove to (Y/N) that his heart could never belong to another person.

Spencer sat in the chair to stare at (Y/N) without saying a word to Valerie. What could he say? Valerie took that as her cue to leave the room in silence. And so she did.

This time would be the last Spencer would see Valerie Smith in his life.

-

When Spencer opened his eyes, he saw (Y/N)'s head resting on the mattress and felt her hand holding his. Life was giving him a new opportunity, and he wouldn't waste another minute without saying what it was stuck in his chest for years now.

'I love you,' he rasped. It was almost a whisper but enough to wake up (Y/N). She didn't register the words he said, just for the emotion of seeing him awake.

'Oh God, Spencer. I was so scared. I thought you-' She stopped her rant when it hit her. 'What?' Spencer's eyes were filled with adoration, the way he always looked at (Y/N).

'I love you, (Y/N). I have been in love with you for ages.' he paused to take a breath. He still felt weak after the surgery. 'And I'm sorry I didn't say anything before and for doing it now,' he took another pause. 'And I know that you don't feel the same, but I can't die and not tell you how I feel. I'm sorry.'

(Y/N)' s eyes widened. Was Spencer in love with her? It was a huge irony and a relief at the same time. She brought Spencer's hand to her lips and planted a loving kiss on it. Spencer looked at her oddly.

'Well, it happens that you beat me this time, doctor Reid. I was about to confess my utter love for you right now,' she chuckled, happy tears running down her cheeks.

'Really?' Spencer thought he might be dreaming or hallucinating after the surgery. (Y/N) nodded.

'Yeah. I guess we have been blind all these years.'

Spencer beamed. It was really happening.

'God, I love you. Please, let me take you out on a date.'

'As soon as you get out of here.'

Spencer smiled at the memory. He only hoped to get that chance again.

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Spencer Reid’s Taglist: @dreatine​ @nomajdetective @jayyeahthatsme @rosalinasam2 @averyhotchner @tvandfanfic​ @lovelyxtom @princessmiaelicia @pastelbabygirl19 @reidsbookclub @alexxavicry @gspenc @spencerreidisbae123 @calmspencer @pauline5525mgg @maltamurdock @disaster-in-waiting @pebble-has-a-mirgraine @anamiad00msday @chlochlosworld @milivanili99 @thebloomingeagle @laylasbunbunny @leahblackk

[idontknowreallywhy]

Ok, I had a couple of hours in a hospital waiting room today so before I forgot the threads of where this story was going, I typed it all into notepad and well here it is, unedited as I think I’m next on the list to be called in and then I’ll have to go back to work and maybe after all that I’ll lose my nerve again.

We’ve not got to the answer yet, but here is some more Virgil pondering / reminiscing along the way…

Ch 2 - Muscle Memory

Virgil was 8-and-three-quarters when he had his first proper piano lesson. It was much too late.

The teacher had lamented it on a weekly basis. It was a such shame, she sighed, that the raw talent Virgil displayed was unlikely ever to amount to anything now. Everyone who knew about such things said all the greats were in formal training from their early years. It was very sad, apparently.

Nearly-9 Virgil didn’t pay all this much heed, he never intended to be a ‘great’ anything. He only wanted to play as many tunes as he could and the only person he truly cared about enjoying it was his Mommy.

Virgil’s only interest in those much vaunted ‘greats’ had been in watching them carefully in online videos to learn how they managed to make the leap from this chord to that melody line or how to adjust his hand position, just… so, in order to play that nippy little counter-melody that his fingers had stumbled over. So it became that, by the age of 10, with little formal training, he was beginning to exceed his mother’s technical ability (albeit he’d allow nobody to make such a comment, not even her).

And anyway, he’d been learning to play his whole life. One of their Christmas traditions, after Virgil had played the variations on carols he’d worked on for the occasion was to play family videos on the holoprojector. Every time, he’d blush as his last festive chord began to fade away because at that moment John would fire up the first one and it was always the same.

Wobbly home footage from the ‘30s showed himself as a round-cheeked 6 month old sat on Mommy’s lap at her piano, mashing the keys with his chubby fists and kicking his little legs in delight, while toddler Scotty squealed “Virgie’s playing Pan-eeeo” in the background and his Dad chuckled fondly from behind the camera. Focussed mainly on the objectively adorable infant, the camera panned up only for 0.87 of a second to show his Mom gazing fondly at the back of his fuzzy head. Yes, he had a screenshot of that moment saved on his tablet for… well, the harder times.

He smiled as he recalled the next part of the tradition - just before they all risked getting melancholy, Gordon would leap on to his lap and impersonate baby Virgil with passionate abandon, while Scott was prevailed upon to do an impression of his squeaky toddler-self (come to think of it, that impression sounded a heck of a lot like present day Alan but best not mention that to the poor kid).

Since that famous moment he and his mom had spent time together by that piano most days, either together, with her initially guiding his hands and eventually simple duets, or each quietly sat listening to the other play.

It was his school teacher, on hearing him practise snippets of a Mozart concerto on the music room piano at lunch times who had suggested the local instrumental teacher - a jack of all trades who could play any instrument decently but clearly wasn’t inspired by her day job. That first teacher didn’t last long in the end, not when her criticisms were overhead by a certain Jefferson Tracy who took exception to anyone who told one of his boys they couldn’t be great at anything they chose to be great at. ‘Proper’ lessons ceased while his parents sought somebody who would be more interested in nurturing Virgil for himself rather than in raising ‘the next great prodigy’. Unfortunately there weren’t many options in the wilds of Kansas so things lapsed for a while and, well, events intervened and everyone lost focus on the fun stuff.

The months after Mom died were quiet. It wasn’t that his family didn’t want him to play. It was just that the sound of the piano was so heavily associated with their mother that inevitably one of his brothers would choke up and rush from the room or Dad would go still and pale. He loved his family dearly and couldn’t bear to hurt them more, even though ceasing the activity they’d bonded over made him feel he was losing her all over again - he couldn’t just… stop.

So he’d skip lunch and monopolise the school piano, stay late some days, sometimes bolt down breakfast to get to school early and squeeze in some precious minutes before slipping into the back of his classroom late when he’d got carried away. But it… it. wasn’t. enough. The satisfaction in his playing was gone. The music itself was somehow gone, replaced by a queasy kind of desperation. He just didn’t have enough time to master the difficult phrases and his hands trembled with frustration and urgency because he only had 20 mins before he had to sit through double chemistry… He was hungry and tired but she’d loved this piece and he just needed to get it RIGHT.

It was Scott who saved him. Aware of Virgil’s frequent absence from the school canteen and not being able to bear the look on his best friend’s face when he forced himself to walk past the piano stool he came up with a plan and raided the savings he’d earmarked for the air cadets trip that summer. One evening when he slunk home late and went to collapse in the room he shared with his big brother he found a small electric piano squeezed into the space at the end of his bed, with a top -end pair of headphones perched on top. Big brother followed him in and watched with a small smile. Virgil had thrown himself at the boy across the room and babbled incoherent gratitude into his chest through oh-so-snotty tears-oh-Scott-your-hoodie-sorry and they’d clung to each other for what felt like hours until Scott had suggested maybe he should actually give the thing a go.

That was the first step in his music returning to him. The second was an unrelated conversation with Gordon.

The kid would ramble on at length about something that had caught his imagination and Virgil was the best at showing an interest which meant he learned a lot more lobster facts than he ever thought he’d need. When Gordon discovered that there were people who did swimming races AS THEIR JOB, Virgil was regaled with the training regimes of famous aquatic athletes and mostly smiled and nodded until one morning at breakfast Gordon started babbling about visualisation and how one could increase fitness and build muscle memory with their imagination.

From that moment, Virgil rarely travelled anywhere without an earbud in his right ear and twitching fingers. In fairness he never got very good at maintaining the “imagination” part… on long trips home in Two when Gordon had dozed off in the co-pilot seat, he’d quietly select a Rachmaninov concerto and ‘play’ it through secretly and silently while gazing out the windscreen. His brother, never a heavy sleeper, would crack an eye and watch with a little smile as his brother would slip into “air piano” at what must have been particularly dramatic moments. The expression of joy on his big brother bear’s face was an immediate antidote to the temptation to tease and Gordon kept it to himself, feeling privileged to have seen his brother entirely care-free.

Virgil didn’t visualise piano while he painted though. You can’t play piano (even in your mind) while holding a brush - he’d tried a few times and ended up dropping it. So when alone in his studio he picked non-piano pieces as a soundtrack to his artistic expression.

So yeah, it wasn’t air-piano behind the paint splatters either. Virgil lay on the floor and stared up at the purple starburst that had appeared at some point over the last 24 hours. He was coming to the conclusion his studio was definitely haunted.

…..

Note: this is what Gordon catches Virg ‘playing’ on long trips home in TB2… initially it’s just the bass notes where he gets a flickr of the left hand little finger but by the time the solo kicks off at 2.15 in, he’s in full air piano mode…

[sodacansculptures]

I started following you on Facebook some years ago, and then apparently forgot all about your stuff. It just popped into my head randomly and I wanted to see if you're still active and if you're still making soda can sculptures?

Hi, I apologize, I have no idea when you sent this since Tumblr (at least mobile) doesn't have time stamps, and for whatever reason, I don't get notifications about messages. You're the first person I've heard who has migrated from my Facebook page to my Tumblr, so thank you for joining the blog! Way more commentary here than there where my mom can see.

To answer your question succinctly: I am alive, and that's about the best I can say I've been since covid. 

(I have donation links at the bottom, if you feel moved to want to help me.)

The extended director's cut answer:

After I made the Eevee sculpture, grad school ramped up and I figured I'd return to sculpting after I got my degree and settled into a job. However, I graduated in Spring of 2020, so the job I had lined up was withdrawn, and with all the budget cuts and layoffs in my field, I was competing for jobs with people who were trying to reenter the field and had decades more experience than me. 

I did 100+ applications (I lost count at 120-something), dozens of interviews (including getting to the final round of all that had such a format--which is a stupid format. You don't need to meet me in a formal pretense 3 times, ask me riddles, have me take multiple hour-long aptitude tests, plus make me travel on my own dime just to tell me "no" and not even send like a "2nd Place Loser" gift basket or accept my LinkedIn request or anything). I got super stressed and super depressed. 

I was so busy with trying to find a job and trying to deal with the breakdowns of not finding one. I tried applying in all the fields I was capable of at all levels: executive, mid, and gruntwork. I was turned down from entry level, no-talent-necessary jobs because I was overqualified. I was turned away from the others because of the lack of experience and unprecedented level and caliber of competition.

I was (still am) unable to pay my bills and, when not having breakdowns, I was calling, emailing, filling out applications, etc. for any and all financial aid. It was very arduous work and tedious with all the documentation they wanted from me, hold times on the phone, etc. 

I had a non-profit (ADVOCAP) laugh at me when I asked for rent help because apparently they were overwhelmed and I wasn't going to get anything as I didn't have a job or kids and was considered a non-priority. Later when I was working with the ADRC, I asked if my case manager (I applied for disability, but I'll explain in a bit) if she knew of any rent help. She basically scolded me for asking and told me that it was unethical of me to seek that because "that's for people who actually have a chance." People who have jobs, she means. She explained that that money wasn't meant for me, and that was a whole unexpected slap in the face with a bag of dogshit. Didn't realize we had devolved into a utilitarian society quite that quickly.

I started working with FSET (my state's employment training and search help program. I was literally trying everything. Like I had also called my college and emailed all my professors asking for job help, and they had no answers other than like, "look online"). After months of no luck, FSET eventually convinced me to sign with a temp agency.

I worked 2 temp jobs that treated me like garbage (worsening my depression) and also paid me as such. I had lost all my savings to trying to stay afloat and my free time was non-existent, unless you count the hours I'd spend in the middle of the night just walking around my neighborhood listening to music--in an attempt to stop what seemed like endless crying--while I cried.

I tried selling plasma but they rejected me because I couldn't ever get my heart rate low enough, as my antidepressants increase heart rate. I tried going off of them, but I was on them for a reason, so I need to go back on.

When I graduated, I had bought myself a PS4 as a graduation gift to myself. I could afford it and thought I earned it. All the atmosphere of rejection and failure the pandemic created for me and my link to survival (employment should not be tied to survival. I was doing everything right and the system was failing me direly while virtually no one else who shared my experiences understood why I couldn't get a job when "everywhere is hiring" and "nobody wants to work anymore") and I started to hate myself for stuff like gifting myself the PS4. I felt undeserving, like a waste of resources, etc. because those were the messages I was constantly receiving directly and indirectly.

I eventually landed a job in my field and was hired on the spot. I felt like I had hit the jackpot and finally was going to be okay. Surprisingly to everyone in my life, the job made my life even worse.

I signed an NDA due to being horribly abused for the 10 months I was there, so I can't say much more than I just barely paid off my credit card, still had no free time as I was salary and worked nights and weekends in addition to my scheduled hours because the real reason they hired me instantly was not because I impressed them but rather because they were collapsing and desperate for anyone with some level of responsibility and capability. I hated that job, was bullied and abused extremely badly by coworkers and bosses and HR was no help, and when my performance review came back with negative impressions of me when I was sacrificing so much to keep the employment entity alive and functional, I completely broke.

I ended up hospitalized for months for suicide, and part of the NDA included resigning. I never fully recovered and don't think I ever will. I think I've seen and experienced too much to return to the idea that I could be the trailblazer my professors projected me to be (I now think professors don't actually provide an accurate representation of the field and encourage with no basis for their optimism). 

The human mind is very easy to manipulate with propaganda, and I didn't catch myself being in a sort of “main character syndrome” and thinking that because I was Valedictorian of my graduating class and that I had so many national and international recognitions, awards, accolades, and qualifications that I was, for lack of a better term, pulling myself up by the bootstraps and going to be rewarded with a promising future where success is not just viable but imminent. I knew the world wasn't fair and that some people could do all the prescribed “right” steps and fail, but the operating paradigm (that had been ingrained in me since childhood from teachers who saw me as bright) I had held told me that I was far too talented and hard-working to fail. I had very little doubt that I wouldn't be successful. I was an ideal, hypothetical model of a pre-successful American worker.

So anyway, I didn't expect to have all the trouble that I faced finding a good job. At the end of the first summer of covid with nothing but rejections and employers affirming to me that there was nothing I could have improved on to get the job other than have prior experience, I was a discouraged worker who didn't even try anymore. 

That's when FSET convinced me to do the temp agencies (who dropped me because one employer who was inhumanely abusive and ironically an HR department) gave a bullshit reason about me violating a protocol so they wouldn't have to make good on their promise to hire me after the temp period. 

(I had allergies and it was literally the exact week in September when allergies were at their worst. A coworker, who hated me for some reason I never figured out and can only assume was jealousy, reported me for having a runny nose and I was immediately escorted out for bringing covid symptoms into the building. If I didn't go to work any day I had a runny nose, I wouldn't go any day. I take allergy meds literally every day of my life. My parents kept me too clean as a baby or something and didn't let me eat enough dirt, so an allergy panel showed I was allergic to every single common indoor and outdoor allergen).

Back to my suicidal hospitalization: I could say so much on the inpatient part. Suffice it to say I was never given my meds and there were no groups because they were understaffed and constantly wound up/pissed because of the uncooperative patients, so it was like prison where you had to argue with staff to get your basic needs met, and no soft surface existed and the water was always freezing, so it genuinely felt like being locked in a concrete box with no sunlight, no one on your side (they lied and said they called my psychiatrist and therapist. They never did. They also lied about ordering my meds), and no contact with the outside world. It was like a cruelly-designed Mr. Beast challenge with no reward in the end. 

My friends said I was messed up for 2 weeks after and scary af because I was in survival-fight mode that would not turn off. I also was too overwhelmed by the outside world when I got out and could only eat pre-packaged snacks for a while because that was all I was used to/comfortable with.

Part of the agreement to let me leave inpatient was to do an intensive all-day outpatient program. I was actually dropped from that by insurance because I had undiagnosed ADHD among all my other issues and couldn't show up on time or sometimes at all. I still don't have my ADHD figured out because I had to convince my psychiatrist to refer me to a neuropsych who booked out for months to test me. I did it and got “Yes, much ADHD. All of the ADHD. Very wow.” So my psychiatrist finally believed me and agreed to start me on ADHD meds.

My psychiatrist and I are still working to find an ADHD med that would work for me. Vyvanse helped for a time, but my body metabolized it too quickly, leaving me with only around 6 functional hours in the day. I'm currently on extended-release Adderall, but so far not much help and there are too many other variables that could be fucking with it, like that my sleep-wake cycle is extremely unpredictable and I have a million appointments every day, so I am constantly sleep-deprived and am actually busier now than I was in grad school or any 8-hour job I worked.

The breakdown I had triggered me to develop fibromyalgia, so that has been a whole ordeal. I'm constantly in pain, it again took many months to see any doctor about it, and the meds take so long to start taking effect that we've been trying since June to find something that works.

The crucible that was my pandemic experience didn't refine me like fire refines gold or whatever the saying is but rather left me burnt, and not in the way that you can scrape the charred parts off of toast but like BURNT burnt (I can't think of an example. Maybe a popsicle. You're not getting that back once you take a flamethrower to it. Plus the stick would crumble into ash. RIP popsicle).

My life lately is a lot of appointments I often miss and have to reschedule, arguments with various agencies and even my doctors, breakdowns, and driving for Uber Eats because no one can fire me (but it pays beans and I get flack from restaurants and customers AND Uber because somehow the driver is the scapegoat for any issue that arises. I was so proud of my delivery aptitude and quality service until the tip-baiters and people being assholes for no reason started hitting me as common and daily occurrences). 

A lot of people don't understand how UberEats works, but Uber doesn't even pay their driver enough to cover gas or depreciation on their vehicle for the mileage, much less the value of the driver's time and physical efforts. Tips are literally ⅔ of my income and my income does not cover my bills despite all the time I put in and algorithm I set up for myself that determines which trips to accept/reject for the most profit. It's a very toxic and unprotected form of employment. A lot of people lie that I didn't give them their food so that they can get a refund, but that comes back on me and risks my account being deactivated. It's virtually a fear-based system with some tricky artificial competition that Uber likes to throw in from time to time to convince us to drive for less and less pay. 

I've looked into all the alternatives like GrubHub, Spark, DoorDash, etc. but I've been on their waiting lists for years, including GrubHub booting me off their list even though I was always quick to respond to their periodic question of if I still wanted to be on the list.

Between depression and ADHD, I can't work a normal job. I no longer have the capacity to keep a routine and can't show up to things with any level of reliability despite how badly I want to. I also don't have the spoons to deal with working with others or being accountable for tasks that feel--idk how to articulate it, but like--stupid to my autism. If something seems inefficient or not progressive (like not helpful to humanity) to me, I can't get my brain to do it. And with ADHD, if it's not interesting to me/something I am passionate about (I was extremely lucky that learning and receiving the praise from teachers I never got from my parents was my passion that got me so far and through multiple degrees), I can't get my brain to let me do it. Sometimes I just can't do anything, including things I want to do, and simply end up stuck. I wouldn't last in any job that wasn't self-directed and only happening when I have the spoons to be available. My options are very limited. And Uber can be slow. I've had times where I've waited 13 hours and not gotten a single request that wasn't going to cost me money to run.

Uber has some personal difficulties for me. In the summer, I found it a little bit fun, but now that it's cold, my Raynaud's is painful and I don't enjoy having to watch out for people who got their licenses from cereal boxes and don't know how to drive in the snow. It's an unpleasant sensory experience for me to work and honestly risky safety-wise. People don't turn on their porch lights for some reason (I have a headlamp now) and don't salt their walkways, and I'm uncoordinated because my dad didn't throw a ball at me enough as a kid probably, so there's ice, the treads on my boots are shot (and I can't afford to replace them), and I get banged up from falling on concrete. 

I have a chiropractor and physical therapist, and they each said even before this that they could see me every day and still have something to work on with me. It's affirming, at least, to hear that professionals can physically feel how in pain my body is and that it's not just me being a baby. Part of it, I'm sure, is that I have PTSD (including from the traumas of my various pandemic experiences) and have horrible nightmares every night where I jerk around a lot in my sleep. I wake up every day feeling like I got hit by a bus, which is also partially why I don't get places on time. 

On my own time, I'll spend 2 hours trying to get out of bed both overcoming the pain to move and convincing myself to get the willpower to. It's so much easier to just lie there and accept it, especially when I don't look forward to having to do another day. I don't feel rested because I spent the night working my body and brain, so I'm not sure I ever am rested. I need so much more sleep now, too, with fibromyalgia. This adds to my stress of outpacing my bills and just keeping up with the maintenance of myself and my apartment because that's less time I have to get things done.

I have 4 alarms (phone vibrating plus noise, an earthquake pillow one, my Fitbit vibrating on my wrist, and a Pavlok going all out screaming, vibrating, and shocking me with electricity), and it's still possible for me to sleep through all of them or somehow turn them off while half-asleep and go back to sleep. There are also times where I will be like, “Okay, getting up now,” and then I black out and it's 4 hours later and I missed 3 appointments that will take weeks to reschedule, if the clinic hasn't dropped me for the tardiness and absence. I'm running out of clinics to go to.

On a mental level, I am in a near-constant state of overwhelm that holds me inches from a full-blown, all-day breakdown at any given moment. Something about being so stressed with no relief for years on end has rewired my brain, I think, to make the adrenaline pathway so reinforced and the stress part of the brain overlit/overactive. I don't know how to relax. Doctors keep telling me I need to, especially with fibromyalgia, but I physically cannot seem to do it. I can't focus on anything like movies. Nothing is fun when I have always-present and terrorizing (by threatening my survival) pressure from all these stressors (mainly money. I'm in a constant race against my monthly bills, and each month, they creep closer and closer to outpacing me). I'm never happy to wake up and I'm always low-key scared. I'm desperate for security in any form.

I was so unable to do tasks after my suicidal breakdown that even though my psychiatrist, therapist, and general physician were begging me to apply for disability. I had hoped I just needed a few months of R&R and would be right back to being willing and able to work. That never happened, and it was extremely difficult for me to accept the fact that I was disabled. When I finally did, I begged for months for people to help me fill out all the forms (they were overwhelming me, which is, y'know, kind of a key feature of my disability) and no one did, so I lost months of time there. I eventually just had a moment of conviction or indignation or something that I was able to force myself to do them. I'm still kind of mad at everyone who didn't help.

My therapist actually did her best to help and, when the outpatient hospital ousted me because insurance refused to pay for it anymore, referred me to the county's CCS (Community Care Something-or-other) program. They gave me a worker who allegedly had some psychology- or human services-related degree who would help me function for 1 hour a week. I think the whole program is a farce and despite spending hours on this program, we accomplished absolutely nothing.

The first CCS worker I had was supposed to come over to my place (which had become a mess. I was a messy person before, as my apartment was a graveyard of unfinished projects due to my ADHD), but with my extended burnout, I wasn't cleaning and organizing on the level I used to. So I texted my CCS person a warning that my kitchen table was cluttered. I mean it to mean, “It will take me a minute to clear the table once you get here for your laptop for you to finish the unreasonably long entry paperwork on me, and I haven't gotten the energy to declutter it yet and won't until you get here because my ADHD needs a body double right now. She, for reasons I still don't understand, canceled the visit and never came. When I confronted her about what I meant, she was like…embarrassed to the point of not being willing to work with me anymore. There was a communication breakdown that I couldn't get her to communicate with me and she was somehow scared of how much and how articulated or something I communicated that she shut down. 

I understand I “overcommunicate” from the perspective of allistics and neurotypicals [I had a bad childhood and was invalidated and wrongly blamed for things a lot, so I give as much explanation as possible to avoid any misunderstanding and articulate to the point that there won't be any ambiguities and thus can't be twisted into reason to punish me when I've done nothing to earn punishment. My caretakers as a child had their own mental issues that led them to being unreliable/unsafe to me and didn't offer me any feelings of security in relationships, perspective of reality (them taking their anger out on me and telling me everything, including their personal problems, was my fault), and ultimately everyone seems to say they want transparency and communication, but from my experiences and perspective, they don't want that. I have no idea what they really want. I give the level of communication I would want someone to give me and hope that they will just discard the parts they don't need/want, and apparently that's me being a burden or something and a “bad” quality. 

Meanwhile, I WISH people would communicate and be transparent with me more. I think I am an understanding person who has done enough work on themselves to not repeat toxic patterns and be a healthy relationship to others. I don't listen to judge but to understand so I can work with the other person to fix any problems and work with what we got, not devalue them and distance myself or abandon them. Everyone on dating apps says they want this, but I've yet to meet someone who does. I think it's that people see this as an ideal but are unskilled at the time to play their role in the situation–both in offering and responding. I think I've put so many years of therapy and introspection into working on myself that others just haven't, so we're simply on different levels. I know I'm not alone in my experiences, but it's very isolating when you don't meet people who have done the same work.

Anyway, I got assigned a new CCS worker and she did not do all that work I described. When I was told I would be assigned to someone else, I specifically asked for one who has seen some shit and that nothing I do or say will move them. They did at least give me someone older with more experience, but she either over- or under-estimated me (I can't discern which). She, working in the same building as my therapist and being basically in at least a good bit of communication with her when I wasn't around, knew that I had a lot of crap going on that I needed more therapy/support/help unraveling and making sense of and peace with than the 45 min/week I got with my current therapist. So she offered to be like a second therapist and said I could tell her absolutely anything.

As the pattern of this narrative likely already cues, it turned out I could not tell her absolutely anything. I was a few months into my transition and no one prepares you for some of the changes. My endocrinologist had only told me, “You might go bald.” I thought my years of research and consulting with transmen in my life had encompassed all I needed to know. However, we sometimes do not know what we don't know and thus don't think to ask the questions we need to ask. As probably an autistic/abused person trait of mine, I speak very clinically and technically. At the time, I had recently been speaking with my therapist about anatomical changes that triggered emotions I was not prepared for. I attempted the same sort of conversation with my new CCS worker, but she yelled me for being inappropriate. Not just scolded but legit yelled, as if I wasn't a full grown adult capable of reason and discussion.

I was confused on what I did wrong, since I thought I was just taking her up on what she willingly offered. I am also a firm believer in the Mister Rogers quote about how anything that is mentionable is manageable (which goes back to why I don't listen to judge but rather to collaborate and also why I see disagreements as us vs. the problem rather than me vs. them. I do not feel the need to yell at someone unless it's like an emergency of some sort and there's a threat that yelling can somehow address and be beneficial to the situation). 

From my perspective, I was being shut down and punished/shamed for asking for help with a problem that legit scared me and that I was willing to be vulnerable enough to share. I consider that sort of thing sacred and not something that can be trusted in everyone's hands. But the way she responded, to me, reinforced that I was a person unworthy of help: a message received from my childhood caretakers and all the people who were supposedly there to help me during my pandemic crises. 

I couldn't bring myself to trust her anymore or even want to see her again. I'll admit that's a bit of my Emotional Dysregulation Disorder weighing in, but I didn't want her in any intimate spaces I'd need to let her into in order to serve me in her CCS capacity. I had had too many things go wrong lately in that time to not shut myself down to prevent more hurt by simply refusing any future opportunity for more hurt to occur. I was well beyond my limit and it took much convincing from my therapist for me to even give CCS a chance to help me.

Still, I asked to be reassigned to another CCS worker, this time knowing that I could not trust what they claim to offer and just keep the things we work on surface-level functioning--like cleaning my oven or going through the pile of mail I hadn't opened in weeks because their potential contents paralyzed me with fear.

I was denied my request and let go from the program as they felt I had burned through 2 workers and thus proven that I am not a good candidate for the program. I still don't agree with this and argued, but after weeks of (a reasonable number of) periodic emails and voicemails, I never got an email or call back. In hindsight, I maybe should have reported to the county what happened, but it's been like a year.

That mostly brings us back to the present. I have been back in FSET since Spring but just focusing on staying afloat with Uber/working on whatever I can handle. I had a whole researched and designed pitch asking them to fund the several hundred dollars it would be for me to become a mobile notary, but they denied my request as they lack the funds. They also denied my request for new boots for the Uber hazards because they felt it was a fashion thing and not a need. Agencies, or honestly anyone with any power over me, not understanding me even with my articulate, crystal-clear explanations isn't surprising to me anymore. And counterintuitively, more explanation (even from different approaches) does not help and just makes me think I'm weird, which somehow is taken as more cause to not grant whatever request it is I am making in the first place.

So I Uber, I argue with doctors and agencies to try to get my needs met, and I have breakdowns despite my efforts to not. I have always had a massive list of more sculptures I want to make. I do want to get to a point where I can make them someday. I've been waiting on disability for an answer for nearly a year and done all I can to bolster my case with getting doctor testimonies, giving my testimony, noting clinic visits so the person assigned to my case can view the findings of them, getting an ADRC contact to guide me (though looking back, she didn't help at all and it was me searching out and discovering everything on my own while all she did was forward what documentation I had to the state for me)... All I can do is try to survive until they say “yes,” but they usually say “no” first (which is why an alarming number of people file bankruptcy and/or die waiting for a disability decision), especially since mental health reasons are the hardest ones to get approved, and my ADRC contact has been using language such as, “This will make it easier for next time,” and I'm not prepared to hear her tell me she thinks we'll have to file another claim and wait another year, so I don't ask 

I feel terrible that I've not been sculpting or posting. I miss engaging the Tumblr community and sharing my art with people who appreciate it (and not tell me it's garbage. Wtf, Grandma). 

The fact that I couldn't actually bring myself to commit suicide and still don't even though the extremely-difficult-to-survive--particularly with multiple debilitating ailments--and high cost I incur daily to myself trying to keep my head above water as long as I can, tells me that there is a life better than this that I want to live. I can't fathom for myself anything other than what is current, and I am putting all my chips into believing that I could be wrong and there's a chance all my striving will eventually meet stable ground to rest upon, where I can return to myself and make art again. I hate to think this wreck is who I really am and want to believe this is just who I am under a stupid-amount of pressure that no human should ever have to endure. A lot of people have been quick to point out all the resources, but I guarantee I've pursued all of them hard and received some help but not nearly enough. It's hard to wrestle with the feelings of not being enough to live or not being worthy of living because it's such a struggle for me to throw enough money at bills/expenses to allow me to live. It shouldn't cost someone all of themselves to try (and imminently fail) to earn the allowance to live.

Things like the ACP and student loan freeze (I owe $80,000+ because college is an overpromising, commercialized thing that is more gamble than guarantee) are ending soon (or maybe have ended and I just haven't opened my mail to know), and I'm deathly afraid. Uber isn't enough and on down-times with them and when my various ailments aren't being debilitating, I work on selling things to try to make enough for the month. Obviously I'm eventually going to run out of things to sell. 

I'm also fearful that my estimated disability check, if I get one, is only going to be $900/month, because I didn't get enough work experience to be allowed more. I genuinely don't know that that's going to be enough, especially since the price of everything like rent is inflating. I don't know how long I can financially sustain my means of survival. But I'm still doing everything I can. It's jarring to go from decorated Valedictorian to…whatever exhausted mess this is. 

My parents stopped asking me months ago how things are going because they know it's never good. They don't have the means to help me as my mom got laid off of work, my dad has dementia and doesn't work, and if I have to live with them again, I would essentially be signing off on my own death certificate because even spending a few hours in that home, with those people, is enough to completely drain me, trigger so much PTSD, grind my mental health down even more with whatever new dynamics and energies they decide to inject in our interactions. I wasn't free to fight the battles I needed to until I moved out into my own private space, and since it is the cheapest option in the entire city and so necessary of a component to my mental health, my therapist identified keeping my apartment as my number one priority. With my mental health, I wouldn't do well at all or be able to get back on my feet if I was homeless.

This turned into a lot more than I intended, but I'm really satisfied that it explains my situation and makes it known that you can do everything right and still lose. The system will cannibalize you if you don't have money to start with and don't have the means to keep it coming. Poverty charges interest and there are no days off, especially if you're disabled. There are no real safetynets and the ones that exist are overwhelmed, underfunded, underpowered, and essentially only serve to make the ones who don't need them feel satisfied (and aren't outraged and pushing for changes) being sold the lie that those who need help have it available to them. Having an inside view of what the experience is, I am apalled at how little systemic support or consideration there is for the disabled, especially since it is the largest minority group that anyone can join at any time.

Some days suck worse than others, like when the weather is so bad that I cannot Uber or when my pain or mental state has been aggravated and I haven't made enough time for self-care so it has decided for me when self-care must be attended to. I wish I could give myself the self-care my mind and body need so I can be healthier, more resilient to setbacks, and feel less pain, but honestly some nights I don't even go to bed because there isn't enough time/I can't afford to not be working or selling things. Society likes to frame self-care as a luxury and only recently (since covid attacked everyone's mental health) did self-care start to be widely accepted as a need. It's just too bad all that rhetoric amounted to is awareness without action. Capitalism still demands and glorifies the nonstop grind, even if it kills us.

Obviously some days are better than others and it feels incredible when I feel a genuine smile spread across my face. I wish it wasn't so foreign of a feeling, but the fact that it is makes it more impactful. I try to give my attention to hope, even if I have no practical basis to believe it exists. 

Receiving this ask did ultimately bring a smile to my face because it means I'm still cared for in a world that kicks me to the ground daily and says I don't deserve care. It is so hard for me to even care about myself a lot of the time, with all the negative messages I've internalized from my dominatingly high ratio of experiences that are rejection or failure in some form. Ultimately, we all just want to be loved. Thank you so much for reminding me that pain isn't all there is for me (it's easy to get sucked into that mindset after years of nearly everything gutting me. I often fail to even notice myself falling into it and being consumed by it). 

I know I don't owe anyone an explanation for my absence and that no one is mad at me or blaming me for it that I would need to provide some sort of justification. But I wanted to communicate with you all because I love you. I genuinely mean that. 

I still think about this from time to time and I still want come back to making and sharing sculptures and just having fun hearing all the things you have to say about them and how delighting, inspiring, or entertaining you find them. I consider the ability to do that and this Tumblr page to be one of my greatest things I've made. I don't care about money and despise that money dictates virtually every aspect of my life in the worst way. Community, creativity, and self-improvement motivated by joy/love rather than profit/fear are of infinitely more value to me. I'm still pursuing that dynamic in the end through all of this.

By no means is anyone obligated to donate to me, but if you can afford to and want to, I'll post my payment platform things below (some may still have my birth name attached). Any amount helps and Lord knows I dove for a penny on the ground last week.

If you can't donate but still want to help, reblogging can help no matter how little reach you feel your blog has, and I also would appreciate words of encouragement or support. I also just want you to know that if you've been reading this far, I really appreciate that you care enough about me to do that.

All of my love,

Stan 

(They/Them)

PayPal:

@Stanwagner09

Venmo:

@asclw7643

Zelle:

Stan.wagner09@gmail.com

[asherloki]

Professor Steven grant

Professor Steven x student reader.

It's finally out , yeah !

Summary:- you are a college student, unwilling to study but you get the professor, the love of your life.

You were never really fond of history, rather studying at all. Your whole concentration was on extra curricular activities. You love playing guitar, so remembering years in history was way harder that remembering chords of songs.

It was after you completed school, your parents forced you to study in college. You obviously wanted to study music but they asked you not to. So you thought very little of the subject and applied for anything and everything. After a few weeks you got a mail that a college accepted your application and you could join their history department. You rolled your eyes cause history? Really? How could you even applied for it? What would probably learning about those past events do good to you. But anyway, you got admission in the history dept.

Finally the first day of the clg came. You barely dressed well, barely checked the professors in the website and just took a notebook and pen. That's all. You entered thinking if you'd pass the subject by one mark or two. While thinking you felt a tug at your jumper and you were so lost that you lost your balance and was about to fall but someone grabbed you from behind. A guy , his hair was messy and he wore a shirt as a shrug to another shirt he wore inside. You felt angry so you yelled after standing on your feet, "you, why did you tried to make me fall?"

He was stunned and so was other students around you, "come on you stupid answer me".

"I... I..." He mumbled.

"It was me" a girl called from behind him, "I mistook you as my friend and tug your jumper, he saved you from falling". To this you felt your anger cooling down.

"Oh, well I'm sorry, for yelling at you".

"No..no problem " he said being nervous.

"Anyway from which department are you?" You enquired. And the girl replied.

"He's the history professor, Steven grant".

You were stunned, you yelled at a professor? The one who'll be taking your class in a few hours. You forgot blink and Steven could see your awkwardness so to lighten that he said, "look it's all right, I believe you're new.."

You didn't let him finish and said, "no no, punish me please, I was stupid, my goodness you're my professor, I'm in history department. Oh fuck, I mean no, no swearing... Oh gosh, please give me extra home work..."

"Listen " said Steven smiling, "it's alright " then he put his hand on your shoulder "I understand you're nervous, anyway I have class with the first years in 2 hours, see you in class, miss?"

"I uh, I am actually " you forgot your name almost, "oh yeah I'm y/n y/l/n, Mr Grant?"

"Yes, see you in two hours, please be seated in room number cf4" .

Your awkwardness was unforgettable. But the girl who tug at you was a first year too. Just got admitted a day ago, eventually you spend your 1.5 hours with her, she became your first friend in college, and you waited having your heart beating super fast for another half an hour to pass, to attend the class of Steven grant .

His period came and he entered. His eyes searched for you and you looked at the desk. When the whole class welcomed him, he usually says thank you but today he said, "glad to see you Ms y/l/n, now don't feel awkward for yelling at me, it's all sorted out".

"Yes Mr Grant" said you and sat down. His class literally made you forget everything that happened before, his genuine nerdyness, his funny personality everything seemed so cool to you just like the other students. It was the first history class where you weren't bored. As his class was done, you all were going to have a break he called you, "Ms y/l/n, may I have a talk".

You thought he'd punish you so you went closer and said, "yes I'm ready for detention"

"I wasn't saying that, I just saw you were really attentive in my class, so I thought you might like to participate in a seminar of history, on the behalf of the college, I'll help". He said as politely as one can possibly be.

"Oh, that's great but, Mr Grant I have to be honest, I'm not good at studying..." You said, everything about how you landed in that college, "the only history class I've ever paid attention is yours".

This made him blush and he put on his glasses, "so seminar?" He enquired.

"May I have a week to think?"

"Sure why not" was his reply.

After you came home you blushed, you blushed through the day. Firstly because you felt embarrassed for what happened in the beginning and then the way Steven teaches. You've never felt this sensetion before, what is it? Are you obsessed? Are you crazy? Or are you.... In love?. No not love probably, you thought to yourself but Steven grant wasn't getting Outta your head. You called your new friend to ask her help you make a decision.

With her encouragement you decided that you're up for it.

Next day you waited infront of the teachers room to see Steven. But another professor said "oh he might be late today".

So as you turned and was about to enter your classroom your head hung low. You bumped into someone who came running and grabbed you before falling.

Again it was Steven grant. He apologized and said, "oh gosh, I'm sorry Ms y/n. We always endup being bumped into". Said he laughing lightly.

"Yet you always endup saving me from falling" was your reply after which you realised it sounded way too heavy that it was supposed to be. But then Steven said, "yeah right," laughing awkwardly "so still thinking?"

"No actually I've decided, I'm in". This made Steven joyous, he said,

"so we'll have extra class on Egyptian mythology okay?"

"Extra class ? Sure" you replied.

thanking you he went inside. But you were somehow over the moon.

Seeing Steven grant everyday was this satisfying you never knew.

He became your favourite in college. Your parents were surprised to see you studying this hard, and they were even more satisfied to see you participate in a seminar. Extra classes with Steven was fun, you two would go to museum. He would explain things and you just listened to him.

In middle you two took a little break, you both munched sandwiches with cheese, he even talks while chewing, but it didn't bother you. You were just listening to him and staring. But one thing you still haven't discovered about him. You did though that day. He took you to a chart and started to read out . But the fonts were small so he took out his glasses and wore it. Him being all nerdy with those glasses on was enough to throw yourself on him and kiss. You were sure at that moment you were falling. He though as you thought was not interested into anything but history and Egypt. But you knew you have to know is he really can be something more than a professor so while on your way back you asked, "professor Steven grant?"

"Yes?" He said looking to you with puppy eyes.

"I was thinking if you'd be coming to the annual program tomorrow at college "

"It's tomorrow is it?" He asked realising "oh bollocks I almost forgot ".

"So are you coming?"

"Yeah I guess if I don't have any other classes ".

"Can you please come to the program? It's just a matter of an hour or two".

"Are you participating in it? Have you prepared something?" He asked as you kept on insisting.

"I might have" was your reply.

"Oh then when did you practice? If you do extra curricular activities why didn't tell me before?" He asked.

"I did, I told you I don't like studying " you replied without loosing eye contact.

"right, you're so good in my class I almost forgot you didn't like history." He said.

"Well so see you tomorrow in college auditorium?"

"Yeah sure" saying this you both went on your own. You had the best idea to know if he has anywhere in his heart any love for women rather than Egypt. You prepared a song that night and took out your best dress, all set for the next day to stun the college and Mr Steven grant.

Next day you wore a long skirt that flaunted your legs perfectly and a shirt tucked in. Took your guitar and went to college. You were nervous so you stayed in green room, people and your classmates actually likes you, they came inside to wish you the best. Steven on the other hand entered the auditorium 5 minutes late . He asked a volunteer " hey has miss y/n ' s performance done ?"

"No sir it's after a few".

"Okay thank goodness" and he went to sit in the audience with other teachers. One of his colleagues said, "Hey? Mr Grant? You never attend such functions".

"My student is performing she urged me to come, and honestly I'm excited to see her."

"So she's just a student or...." Saying this the other teacher raised a brow.

"What?" He asked in utter confusion.

"Nothing" said he.

It was finally your turn. Lights were off when you went the stage. You sat in the middle with guitar in hand ans the lights were on. You found Steven in the crowd and looked at you, spellbound, eagerly waiting to hear you play and sing. You took a deep breath and started playing, then you started singing. You sang "very first night" by taylor swift.

With every line you sang steven's jaw dropped. He got lost.

As you sang, "I'd pick up you up and we go back in time .."

He remembered the first time how you two met.

With you singing, "not trying to fall in love, but we did like children running..."

He thought of what if both of you are growing feelings for each other.

As you sang and was done yours friends cheered clapped so were the teachers, you got lost in love . That you forgot to notice Steven .

He was spellbound with your beauty which he noticed for the first time, your musical talent which he discovered for the first time. he knew, that very moment he fell in love.

To be continued....

Tag list :- @mateihavenoidea and @ahookedheroespureheart

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, Season 2, Episode 14, "It Should Have Been Lorelai"

Oh thank god! There's a Breather episode before the next Shitshow Circus episode, Lost and Found, which I still don't know if I'll even bother watching. Sure this episode has Christopher in it but I can tolerate him and I can tolerate his shitty annoying relationship with Lorelai because it's utterly meaningless to me. Someone rescue me from the back half of Season 2, it's a fucking nightmare. I didn't finish A Tisket A Tasket, because my blood pressure rises with each and every passive aggressive comment that comes out of Lorelai Gilmore's mouth and I just could not take it anymore. So anyhow, dk how it ended exactly, but it looks like Lor and Ror have made up after their "Jess is Bad News" fight. Whee. Phones and doorbells seem to ring constantly in this episode so throughout today's insane rambling I'm going to make a game out of guessing who's butting in to the Gilly Girl's lives. Feel free to play along. Rory: Let's sit at the counter. Lorelai: Oooh, we could sit at opposite ends and play bagel hockey! Luke: Just sit at a table. Lorelai: You're awfully rude to someone who only has two paying customers. Are those two paying customers in the bathroom right now? They're not you and Rory that's for sure. #PayLukeForYourFood RINGING PHONE OR DOORBELL: #1. The phone rings at the diner and someone is asking for Rory which is weird. Is it Jess or Christopher? LOL, that's silly, Jess lives there. I bet it's Christopher.

Oop, swing and a miss for TWWGG.

Having not seen the ending of the last episode ,I must assume Lane has been grounded for 25 years for Talking To A Boy. And I was correct.

Lane: It's the mother of all groundings. I'm being home schooled for two weeks. I only have 5 minutes a day to talk on the phone. She's done everything but slap a Dr.Dre ankle bracelet on me. I know who Dr. Dre is but that was a topical reference that whoosed right over my head and I had to Google it. #DeepCut Lane: Give me some news. Rory: Dean's been working extra hours to save up for a new motorcycle so I hardly see him. She wants to you to tell her something interesting, not give her the Butthead News and Weather Report. Count your blessings that you're in a Dean drought. It's all a girl could ever ask for. To not see Dean Forrester for weeks.

I'm placing money on them bringing back this Dean Rides a Motorcycle nonsense that they haven't mentioned in a literal forever only because Christopher is coming back to town and also rides a motorcycle and the two clowns are going to bond over it like they did over softball (Dean never plays softball again after Christopher left). Then it will be promptly forgotten about again, and Dean will be back to having the personality of an amorphous blob, just blobbing about with no real hobbies, interests or passions besides stacking cans of string beans for mininimum wage and yelling at Rory. I've seen this show several times, but when an episode is this unmemorable* I can just while away my time making predictions about what's going to happen.

*unmemorable=Little to No DALA (dean and lorelai affair) or Jess Involvement Rory segues from "Butthead has been working overtime for weeks” straight into "Mom and I haven't done laundry in weeks" and doesn't explain why, which makes it sound like Dean had been doing their laundry until he started working overtime. He probably pockets Lorelai's panties. Time for a Where's Jess break? Where's Jess? (I think this is one of those episodes where they just stick him on at the end wiping down counters or something. PLEASE let it be on those episodes. PLEASE let it be a Counter WIping episode. I need a fucking break). RINGING PHONE OR DOORBELL #2 (doorbell this time) I bet it's Dean Dean Stacks The Stringbeans.

YAY! It's just Rory's lover, looking like a lost puppy dog. Oh, so I forgot to mention Rory and Paris are going to be in a debate at school and participating on the same team. *inhales deeply* Smell that? That's the smell of sweet, sweet, low stakes, No-Boy filler plot. How I missed ye. Paris shows up at the Gilly Girls house to see Rory under the guise of "we need more preparation before the debate/you need to learn to speak faster" in the same way that Dean shows up to "Change Lorelai's water bottle" or "Do her laundry".

Out Of Context Gilly GIrls Time for An Ancient Technology break! (ATB) Paris: I was making CD recordings from the cassettes I made of our mock debates... Say no more Paris, say no more. *basks in the gentle glow of Early 2000's Technology references* RINGING PHONE OR DOORBELL #3 (phone rings for Lorelai) Definitely has to be Christopher this time.

*deep shudder* Everytime Christopher says "Lor" and Logan says "Ace" an angel stubs their toe.

HOW CONVENIENT.

I really wish she would, my girl needs a break. Anyway Crusty is in town on business and so Lorelai invites Crustypher to Rory's debate and he accepts and my sweet summer child RoryGil is excited that her dad will be there (or so he says...) RINGING PHONE OR DOORBELL #4. Prediction: Dean. Second Place Prediction:Lane Again Third Place Prediction: Jess (Why do I keep assuming Jess is going to call Rory? That's so silly).

Lane wants Rory to pick up a new CD for her when she couldn't get Amazon to overnight it to her and again I'm just floored whenever this show reminds me that Amazon was around in 2002. Describe The Fathers on Gilmore Girls in 6 Words or Less. Go. Lorelai: Do you see Christopher anywhere? Sookie: Uhhh.no.

Brad is me slogging through Season 2 torture.

This looks like something straight out of the opening credits of a corny sitcom. "...Special Guest, Christopher Hayden as Sperm Donor/ Buttclown #2" *sitcom music plays*

Oh, Sherrie. Another innocent lamb lost to the clutches of a Gilmore World Man. Let us pray.

Another snapshot of my Season 2 torture. No Lorelai! Stop! it's okay! Please! I don't need to hear how Dean is tall and pretty again! I GET IT! Waaah. Rory and Paris win the debate. Rory to Christopher in an innocent, chipper, cheerful chipmunk voice that belies the deep seated trauma of being a child with an absent father: Dad, you came to see me! I'm not used to that! Christopher, not so much as blinking at his child calling him a deadbeat dad to his face, while smiling goofily: This is Sherry!

.....?!

Lorelai invites Crusty and poor Sherrie back to their house, and Christopher seems excited to see the house his daughter lives in since he never visits.

Out of context Gilly Girls My dear readers, I hope you one day find someone who looks at you the way Paris looks at Rory. Paris is crushed when Rory tells her she has plans with her deadbeat father and she won't be able to hang out with her post-debate and compare WPMs, braid each others hair, practice kissing...

My dear readers, I hope you one day find your person, the special person like Paris, someone who feels a deep, crushing sorrow n their heart when you tell them you have other plans even though you'll see them at school again in less than 24 hours, causing them to lash out at you like they're fooling anybody with their Oh Whatever That's Just Fine'ing. Ror and Lor rush home and Lorelai says there is no food in the house again except leftover cheese & crackers and Halloween candy. Lorelai does not feed her child or do laundry. In addition to every character on this show needing the services of a competent therapist and accountant, The Hollow needs a visit from Child Protective Services. For pennies a day, you can sponsor a starving child, a poor innocent soul forced to subsist on crackers, candy, coffee and greasy diner food. Your donation will also go towards the purchase of laundry detergent for this smelly unwashed family. Jess’ mother never cooked either so I guess that’s another argument for Literati Soulmates! That special bond over shared Child Neglect!

Sherry showers Rory with compliments and invites her shopping, but then isolates Lorelai and says this...weirdness: Sherrie: I just want you to know you shouldn't feel like you have to get to know me. At all. Just because Christopher and I are close doesn't mean we need to be close, or friends, or anything for that matter. But i desperately want to get to know Rory. Ummm..the audacity to say something like that to the mother of your boyfriend's child 30 minutes after you meet her after she invited you into her home and offered you apple juice? And you "desperately" want to get know his child? This is shady. Sherrie: You know, if we didn't meet unexpectedly today, we'd probably never meet. Because your boyfriend never visits his daughter, right. Sherrie: Rory is so important to him. He is obsessive about his "call dates" to her! No matter where we are what we're doing he has to call her every Wednesday at 7pm! I like that about him! To be so blissfully ignorant and delusional and actually believe what Christopher says! Oh honey. It's like she's got the soft outer shell of Rory but also hangs on to whatever bullshit spews forth from the piehole of an immature worthless manboy pissbaby like Lorelai does whenever Dean speaks. Sad that the best Rory can expect from Crusty is one "call date" per week and I absolutely don't believe even he's even doing that, Sherrie's been brainwashed, but hey! At least he's better than Jimmy Mariano. I guess? #BattleOfTheDeadbeats

Sherry after Crusty happily admits to her that he was (is) a deadbeat dad:

First Rule of Gilmore World: Never trust a Gilmore World man when he says he's trying to change. Never ever. Lorelai says "he's been doing very well with it" just to placate Sherry when honestly she should be shoving this Sherrie woman out the door already and telling her to never come within 100 miles of her or her child again.

She goes on to say that she needs Rory for something very important, she needs her tonight, there is something so pressing and urgent that Rory needs to be excused from FND for this yet unknown Extremely Pressing Urgent Event and she needs her ALONE. This is verging into very concerning territory. Lorelai should be highly concerned. Lorelai, I am concerned that you don't seem more concerned and you agreed to let your teenage daughter go to an unknown place alone with this woman you just met. RINGING PHONE/DOORBELL #5 This call is recieved at the Gilly Girl house while they're with Christopher and Sherry. Okay, I'm clueless for this one. I have to say Lane again, there's no one else. Emily? Dean just because he hasn't shown up to ruin this respectable Breather episode yet?

LOL! That was fun. I chuckled. Rory is going to this unknown thing with Sherrie which is a setup Christopher to go with Lorelai to FND by themselves. Okay, before I conclude part 1 of this commentary (which has already taken several hours and I still have 20 minutes left) I am DYING to see why this Sherrie wants to isolate Rory and I hope it's not gruesome. Rory Gil, we hardly knew ye.

RoryGIl's about to become the hostage here. Blink twice if you need help. My only guess for why Sherry needs to isolate Rory so badly, will be something about asking her for blessing to marry Crusty or something. I really don't know. Neither Lor nor Rory has asked Sherry or Christopher where Rory will be going. RING RING! #6 (as the Gily Girls are getting dressed for FND/ for Rory to be lead to a gruesome end by a child kidnapper) Well it has to be Crusty or Sherry this time. Who else? LANE AGAIN!!! LOL.

THIS IS SO MUCH FUN. I need the phone to ring a seventh time! Sherry and Christopher arrive and finally mention that Sherry will be taking Rory to a movie (then buttering her up with popcorn before she meets a gruesome fate at the hands of a child kidnapper). With Rory out the door, Christopher and Lorelai are alone and Crusty attemps to gastlight Lorelai, probably hoping it'll get him into her pants. L: Was Sherrie with you when I called you? Crusty: She's been with me the whole time. L: You gave me no indication she was with you. C: I must have. L: No, singular pronouns all the way. C: Now I don't remember what I said. L: I do. You said, "I'll be there." Just you. C: I guess I may have said that but I wasn't making a point of saying that. Okay, I am pulling my very, very, very rare and worthless Christopher Card because he just said something not enough people say to Lorelai and it delighted me.

Bahahahaha you're such a prick but it's so true! Lorelai is such a judgemental bitch! More people should say it to her face! Bahahaha! For this one fleeting moment in time you're not so Crusty after all. I'm out of space for screen shots but I MUST KNOW WHERE RORY WENT and I will not cease or yield until we get there. Lorelai attempts to gain some clarity from Crusty on why Sherrie was acting like a fucking weirdo to her in the kitchen. Lorelai: Oh good, you weren't trying to have me killed or anything. Crusty: I was just going over my People To Kill list and you weren't on it.

Ha...ha? Lorelai, I am once again concerned by your lack of concern over certain comments that are very concering, WHERE IS RORY!!! IS SHE OK?! Christopher has a lot of F U C K I N G A U D A C I T Y to try and guilt Lorelai into feeling bad that she didn't consider Christopher's role in Rorys life while she was dating Max, um I'm sorry which one of you is the deadbat here? I tried to write "Deadbeat" but dead-bat has certain charm as well. Crusty wonders why Max was able to get closer to Rory but he should be made to feel bad that he wants Sherry to spend time with her. Doofus, it could be because Rory LIVES with Lorelai and also Max was also her English teacher that she saw 5 days a week? And you're just a dead-bat. Every other male in Rory's life including Kirk and Paul Anka have been better father figures to Rory than you have. WHERE IS RORY!!! WHAT IS SHERRY DOING WITH HER? I'm skipping past Judgy and Doofus at a Looooong and surely pointless FND Dinner scene and going straight to the next scene with Rory.

I...uhhhhh...Um. Surely Lorelai will be very concerned over this very concerning statement which should concern her. SURELY, you can put aside your little quips for just a moment when your daughter tells you she just spent the evening with a touchy feely adult stranger. Right, Dog Sweater? RIGHT?

Ugh. In addition, Sherrie confided in Rory (still a total stranger to her and a child who she took out alone hours after meeting her) a concerning amount of details about her personal life, including the details of all of her past relationships. Sherry was acting way too weird to not have some kind of ulterior motive but Rory is just not being very helpful at all in regards to what it is yet, and I want to shake her I'm so frustrated. But my eyes are bleary and my hands are cramping up and I can't continue. In part 2, I'll unpack this highly disturbing conversation some more and hopefully get to the bottom of this Sherrie Weirdness.. Goo night!

[crmsnmth-journal]

2/18/2024 8:37 PM

I thought about Dad alot today. Mom was going through some old things and found the mugs from their wedding. She gave me dad's, because I'm the oldest, and I stood up in their wedding. I can't imagine how hard it was to get me to stand still during the ceremony. I was only four years old when they got married. She also found a box of old pictures. I'm honestly surprised she saved any of it after their bitter and ugly divorce. I used to blame her for it. I mean, usually the person who's having the affair is the problem, right? But my dad was far from perfect back then. He was an addict, living off cocaine nose jobs and dirty burnt spoons. We once found his kit when we cleaned out the basement. Looking through the pictures, it's almost shocking to see the timeline. Remember when pictures were actually printed and not just taking up memory in your phone? There's hundreds in the box, and I still have to go through it all. The pictures I kept are kind of hard to look at. To see my dad so young. Compared to the man I saw at the end. I miss him. Everyday. Which is weird, because while he was here, we maybe spoke once a month, and now that's he's gone, I want to talk to him everyday. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. Or something like that. However it goes, it fits. It's been over a month since he passed, and there's so much I want to tell him. I am the living example of wishful thinking.

Fuck, "Tunnel Under Ocean Boulevard" is a phenomnal record. She can't miss. Not one album has been bad, but this one is chef's kiss.

JJ wanted to hang out today. We haven't hung it in a while. For being my oldest friend, we don't really see each all that much. And we live fifteen miles apart. It doesn't help that I'm in recovery when it comes to drinking and drugs, and he's a full-blown alcoholic. I love the guy, and I wish he'd get sober, or at least cut back a bit. Getting a Felony drunk driving I hoped would knock him into space, but if anything he just drinks more. This kid was going to be a lawyer, and if he had stuck the plan, he would have made an excellent lawyer. But he knows he's an alcoholic. He knows it, and he just accepts it. Every so often he'll stop drinking for a week, find some new cure all that will help him. But none of it ever lasts, and by the end, he's downing a six pack in a half hour, and everyone wonders how he's not drunk yet. I tried getting him to come with me to meetings. I hit one a week here in town, and they really do help. And I think they'd help him, but he won't go. Even when he says he's going to quit. Switch to weed. Work. Anything as a distraction. Distraction is great, I won't deny that, but eventually you need to find the problem. The root of why that bottle tastes so good. For me, it's regret and lost love, anger and the constant need for self-destruction (You know, to keep things interesting.) For him…I don't know. I know everything about the guy, but I guess we all have our dirty little secrets and our skeletons in our closets.

I started Mass Effect again today. I forgot I had the legendary edition on my Steam account. I love the games, and still consider them some of the best storytelling of that era, but damn. The first one is such a janky mess in it's action sequences though.

[s-the-seething-songbird-2]

Logs for Thomas, Part 2: #4

Song stuck in my head: "Be Alright" by Dean Lewis

I woke up this morning with a terrible amount of anxiety in my gut. For most of today, I've just felt upset, scared, and a little nauseous.

Then, a little bit before writing this, I realized that today is the day we confessed our love for each other exactly five years ago. November 14th.

It's crazy to think about. I know how long ago it was. Ages have passed, and my life is so different now. Apparently, my body doesn't care.

It was so scary, and so wonderful, and I had... such high hopes for what would come after.

It literally could not have ended worse XD

Before I even realized the date, I also couldn't stop mulling over memories of that whole mess. I thought maybe I was just having a Bad Brain Day--and truth be told, that could still be the case; maybe the date is just a coincidence--but the date explains a lot. This has happened to me every year since then. November 14th is a rough day for me, as is December 23rd. The latter is significantly worse, at least, so I have that going for me (until then).

God, I hate the holidays.

I don't hate you, if that wasn't already clear. I never did. I can't.

I've been thinking about everything that went down with Shay this year. The idea of you hating me just doesn't match up with things you've said in the past. Then again, there are many things you've said that contradict with the things you've done.

But maybe thinking about it over and over is just going to drive me crazy.

It hurts, Thomas. I'm so hurt. I'm so hurt, and confused, and there's so much I would give just to talk to you again. Yes, nonplatonic things happened between us, obviously, but what I'm most upset about is that I've lost a friend, someone who was there for me for years and years.

Even back when I was in high school, when you'd call me stupid, insult my (former) religion, or make fun of my appearance, there was always a part of me that wanted, needed, you to like me, to be proud of me.

You said you were... You said you were proud of me. How can you be proud of me and hate me at the same time?

I know that, tomorrow, a lot of these feelings will dip back under the surface, and I'll be able to feel normal again, but waiting for those hours and minutes to tick is maddening.

One moment--I'm cooking d*nner, and I have to strain the p*sta.

Okay, I'm back!

Sorry, I know it seems silly to censor those words, but based on what Shay--and you, come to think of it--have said about y'alls sensitivities about f*od, I figured it was better to be safe than sorry.

Also, the weirdest thing happened to me a few minutes ago. I had already opened a can of p*sta sa*ce to add to the sp*ghett* literally moments before, but after writing one of these paragraphs and returning to what I was doing with dinner, I... completely forgot how to use the can opener?

Warning, boring rambling ahead. Skip to the blue asterisk to bypass.

Thomas, I've been using manual can-openers for years, especially more recently, since I've agreed to cook for my partners and their kids two nights out of every week (my girlfriend was overexerting herself both at work and at home, so we came to a consensus so she's less stressed out). But all of a sudden, it was really hard to twist the thingy correctly, and the lid wouldn't budge, save for a few dents in the can. And then I realized I was holding it upside-down. Except, I wasn't, because I tried it the other way, and that didn't work either.

I paced around the kitchen and got very irritated, wondering what the hell was going on.

Then, after taking some deep breaths, I tried again, and... I did it?

Look, I'm used to forgetting a variety of things--trauma does that--but this seemed excessive, even for me.

I got really freaked out for a minute or two because one of my biggest fears is developing early-onset Alzheimer's/dementia/etc., but I still had to finish making d*nner, so I put that thought on the backburner for a bit and finished what I was doing.

But then I noticed something else: I left a mess. I may not be the most organized person in the world, but this was on another level. I could barely even pour the strained n*odles back into the pot, so 1/3 of it was just strewn out on the stove, like a fresco of shitty m*c*roni art. And that doesn't even mentioned the sauce splatters all over the counter, among other things. I was even having trouble opening the can of br*sch*tta s*as*ning, and it's literally just a matter of opening the right side of the lid, which I did incorrectly several times.

Then, I wanted to clean everything up before setting the table, but I just... didn't have it in me? Every time I've made d*nner since I agreed to this deal, I've cleaned up after myself. Every time.

How did I forget all of these adult responsibilities so quickly? It was just, like,,, POOF, gone.

*And then I realized that these were all problems I used to have back in 2018, around the same time the affair started, when I was (bodily) 17 and just starting to learn how to cook.

So... it would appear that these mental/emotional flashbacks haven't stopped yet. -_-

That was frustrating--and unnerving. But I suppose this is further confirmation that our brain is still really fucked up over the whole thing.

I'll be alright, I promise.

Shit, I have to go now

-S

[f10werfae]

The Build Up

Pairing: Husband!Construction!Chris x Wife!Reader

Warnings: none really

Summary: Nothing better than a visit on site by the missus, and a lot of domestic chris!

part 2: The Build Up Pt2

- Requests are open!

Likes, Comments and Re-blogs are appreciated♥️

Full Masterlist♥️

Chris Evans Masterlist✨

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(Chris' P.O.V)

The scorching sun was horrific, sending waves of sweat and stench to our construction site. Loads of us men having to strip down to the likes of our white vests, our reflective vests long forgotten.

“Oi Chris, when do we get to meet this missus of yours?” John called from the other side of the house we were working on, a new A lister client.

“When I want ya to” I chuckled back, watching him shake his head before going back to nailing parts together, the other guys laughing along with a rag or two being thrown at me.

“Yeah literally all we know is that her name is Y/n, and that’s because her names on your chest dude” Logan commented gesturing to the ink on my chest, positioned right above where my heart would be.

Shaking my head, I just continued on shovelling gravel into the ground before levelling out, trying not to let the heat get to me.

“Look all ya need to know is that m'a happily married man alright?”

“Yes sir”

Despite the harsh weather, I knew i’d never trade my job in. The pay was good, the hours are negotiable, what else could I really settle for? Not to mention it saves me from having to go to the gym three or four times a week.

So lost in thought I didn’t even realise my phone in my back pocket had started going off, setting down my shovel by the brick wall I answered it.

“Baby, i’m here” I heard that sweet honey-like voice of hers say, a smile instantly flying onto my face when I heard her words of endearment. The guys wiggling her eyebrows at me once they saw the smile on my face, they musta caught onto who was on the phone.

“Where abouts are ya precious?” I tried to say as quietly as possible, not wanting to attract attention to it.

“Mmm I’m by the street light on the right, you forgot your lunch again hun” With that motherly scolding voice of hers, I felt myself cower a little before turning to the right, seeing her gorgeous self there. Graced in a short flowly blue floral summer dress, I instantly felt myself swoon, the baby stroller sitting right beside her.

“Gotta go boys, I won’t be long” I breathed out leaving my equipment, walking down the street, my steps getting faster the closer I got.

Y/n's arms outstretched inviting me in for a hug,

“Baby I stink, and i’m sweaty. I don’t know if you’d wanna hug me right now” I said stepping back a little, a pout forming on those kissable lips of hers.

“I don’t care, I wanna hug from my husband”

“Alright c'mere” I growled pulling her in by her hand, her arms going around my neck as I encircled around her waist. Her sweet vanilla scent taking away the industrial smell of the site.

“Didn' I tell ya not to come here? The fumes aren’t good for you or the kids” I scolded back, my hands going to settle on her visible rounded stomach housing our second baby,

“I know, but I missed you, and so did Noah” She said in a smaller voice, turning around to pick up our 1 year old, his hands stuffed in his mouth.

“There’s my little man” I beamed taking him into my arms, his face overlooking my shoulder as I brought Y/n in closer, my lips catching her in a soft passionate kiss. Only separating when we heard the men behind us cheering, giggles leaving us both as our foreheads rested against each others.

“You better get home early, you know what this does to me”

She whispered against my lips, her hands trailing down my chest in the white vest, her hands resting on the surface of my stomach, kisses being pressed into my chest.

“gah you need to stop bein so distracting, thought you were gonna be good this time?” I teased settling Noah back into his stroller, my hands going to cup my beautiful wife's face, her pregnancy glow making her even more irresistible.

“Sorry baby, but baby here jus missed his daddy” She teased biting her lip a little,

“Oh but he’s not the only one now is he?”

“Hmm nope. Not my fault you look so handsome all built up like this, you look like such a good daddy”

“Is that right?” I whispered, her nose nuzzling against mine

“Oi Chris, you gonna introduce us or what?” I heard Logan say behind us, rolling my eyes I turned around to see the whole lot of them lookin at us.

“Y/n honey, meet the boys, boys this is my wife Y/n and our son Noah”

“Cute. So how did yall meet? There’s no way this sweaty mess of a man just met a soft n'elegant woman like yourself outta nowhere”

“Chris didn’t tell you guys how we met?” Y/n asked curiously, knowing damn well that’s my go to story every time we meet someone new.

With all of them shaking my head she started off with,

“Well before Chris had his own construction company, he actually freelanced around my hometown fixin stuff for whoever. I had come home from college and I was like 22, to see this hunk fixin one of my ma's broken windows. Trust me I was in shock, but then I found out he was a bit older. But that didn’t stop us, did it Chrissy?”

“Chrissy?” Steven snorted

“Shut up Steven if you wanna job tomorrow” I snarked back, my ears feeling warmer at the embarrassment.

“Okay but we wanna know the whole story” Logan said pushing further,

“How about y’all come over to our house tomorrow night for dinner? we'd love to have ya, and i’ll tell ya how we got together” Y/n said happily, god she was so caring and welcoming.

“Is that alright with you boss” I heard someone call out from behind.

“yeah, anything to make the wife happy”

[yeosatinyngz]

For the year anniversary event :

Fandom - Blue Lock

Character - Rin Itoshi

Number - 2

Genre - angst

GN Reader <3

You got it, thank you for joining the event! I hope my writing lived up to your expectations🤧

#2: “What's the point in trying if only one of us is willing to?”

Join Event ➺ Masterlist

You sigh as you look at the time on your phone. Late. He was once again late. You try to suppress your anger but you just about had enough. You put in effort to dress up presentable for a dinner that you’ve been looking forward to in weeks just for Rin to be late, in all honesty you’re sure he forgot. It was good that you spared yourself the embarrassment by not waiting at the restaurant but at home instead. You furiously went back into your room and changed into something more comfortable before sending a “we need to talk” text to Rin. To no surprise, he didn’t even respond.

Hours passed and finally you heard the front door open. Rin came face to face with you sitting on the couch with your arms crossed with an unamused expression. He instantly felt a cold sweat go down his neck. “Where have you been?” “Gym.” You scoffed, “and I’m guessing you were so busy working out that you didn’t have time to check your phone?” “..uh not exactly, my phone died.” “Makes no difference, guess who missed dinner again? After rescheduling 3 times.” Rin immediately froze upon your words, oh he fucked up.

He opens his mouth to apologize but you stopped him before he could let the words out. “Save it, I’m tired of hearing apologies.” You sighed and spoke again, “look Rin, it’s about time we had a talk, sit down.” You pointed at the space next to you. He hesitantly sat down next to you and you turned towards him. “Things have been really hard these past few months and you’re just so busy we barely even see each other anymore, I think it’s best if we go our own way.” Rin was taken aback, “What? No! Please think this over.” You sighed yet again, “What's the point in trying if only one of us is willing to?” Rin frantically exclaimed, “I didn’t mean to flake on our plans, let’s go tomorrow? Actually, why don’t we go now?”

You looked at him with a deadpan face, “They’re closed now and even so that wouldn’t solve anything. I’m tired Rin, so tired of this relationship.” His head dropped and he weakly let out, “Please don’t give up on us…” You stood up from the couch, “You gave up on us first when you chose to prioritize your dream. I simply just wasn’t as important to you as soccer was.” Rin wanted so badly to say how you were wrong and that you were just as important to him as soccer was but the words just wouldn’t come out of his mouth. You bitterly laughed at his silence that confirmed that your words were true. With that you went back into your room to change.

Rin thought you were just trying to clear your head when you went to your room. However, when you returned to the living room dressed Rin was distressed, he had to fix this relationship after all it was his fault. “I’ll come by tomorrow and get my things, goodbye Rin.” Hearing this he grew desperate, latching onto your arm to stop you from leaving. “I’ll change, just please don’t leave me.” You let your eyes meet his, “I’m sorry Rin,” as you yanked your arm out of his hold. Your back now faced towards him as he’s watching you exit through the door of your shared apartment. The sound of the door closing is what made the raven haired male lose it, uncontrollable tears were cascading down his face. He lost you, he was so focused on his dream that he lost the one person who made him smile again after years. He was so stupid to not have treasured you.

That was the day he truly understood what the phrase “You never know how important someone is until they’re gone” meant.