#even though their entire first album was about gay lifestyle

[norma-jean-monster]

I find it really telling that the only straight member of the village people was the cop

[444piscesprincess]

childhood friends to lovers/growing up together sterek fic reclist

uhh this kinda got a lil angsty but i recommend you pick a growing up together fic and listen to this song i promise you will not regret it 

https://open.spotify.com/track/5Dz8nrwQlPLE68WaTEIqY5?si=aogjMc1aToSALmAlfQOR7A 

anyways as usual check tags please!!

(click on the title for the fic)

you know you're on my mind

bibliosexual

Summary:

If there’s one thing Derek’s learned in life, it’s that crushing on someone who lives on an entire other fucking continent is probably a bad idea.

(hs!au + texting!au + childhood friends to lovers the ULTIMATE fluff fic)

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)   (series)

yodasyoyo

Summary:

Stiles is six years old when he first hears Derek's voice in his head.

Or what happens if you have a soulmate bond, in a universe where soulmate bonds don't exist?

Up Down Lock Unlock

isthatbloodonhisshirt (wasterella)

Summary:

“Why are you going into grandma Ito’s apartment?” he asked.

Derek turned to him, key sliding into the lock. “What do you mean?” He tried to turn it, but the key wasn’t budging. Maybe the lock was sticking again, it’d been doing that the past few days.

Stiles was staring at him like Derek was stupid.

Derek did not appreciate sass from a ten year old.

“That’s grandma Ito’s place.”

“No,” Derek said calmly, pulling the key out and then shoving it back in, wiggling it a little when it continued to refuse to unlock the door. “This is my place.”

“I think you’re on the wrong floor then, because that apartment belongs to grandma Ito.”

(time travel counts as childhood friends right?)

the difference between going back and going home

thepsychicclam

Summary:

Stiles and Derek were inseparable growing up, but then college, jobs, and life happened. When Stiles comes back to Beacon Hills a decade later, he doesn't expect to reconnect with Derek, and he sure doesn't expect to fall in love with him.

It's Such a Gas When You Bring Up the Past

orphan_account

Summary:

Stiles finds a box of old photo albums that dredge up the sweet, the funny, the adorable, and the mildly heartwrenching parts of his and Derek's past.

(mainly a friends fic but its too cute to not include)

It's Always Been You

charlesdk

Summary:

Stiles' love life was practically non-existing, always had been. He was always terrible at picking up clues when people hit on him (it had happened, Erica had been witness to it and had been the one to let him know it was happening in the first place) because he never expected anyone to do so.

He wasn't the most desirable guy around, he knew that. He was loud, extremely nerdy, never knew when to stop talking, not exactly much of a looker if you asked him, the list was endless.

Point was, he never did know when someone was flirting with him. Which was probably how he ended up in the fight that would change his life for the better.

Lead You Home Again

GotTheSilver

Summary:

The first time Derek meets Stiles, the kid’s brown eyes are wide, and he’s staring up at him with a mischievous grin as he tugs at the arm of Derek’s first ever Batman figure like he’s trying to separate it from Batman’s body.

An alternate take on Teen Wolf, wherein Stiles and Derek are childhood friends, and things unfold from there.

Kingdom By The Sea

kilaem

Summary:

Lydia grabs his arm and pulls him down in the seat next to her. “When the hell did you find time to bag a guy like Hale?”

“We’re friends,” Stiles feels his face heat up, and then the team are running out and Derek sees him and smiles. His blush gets worse.

“Oh really?”

“Our moms were friends, okay? We’ve been in diapers together.”

“I thought you two hated each other.”

Those That Bump In The Night

bleep0bleep

Summary:

A boy’s head appears upside down, hanging off the bed. “Is anyone there?” he calls out curiously, looking right at Derek’s eyes. Caught, then. The protocol for being deliberately seen by a child is just to look as strange and fearsome as possible. No one would believe them, anyways. But Derek is tired, and he’s been running and scared, and now he just kind of flickers, curling out a tendril of dark smoke, hoping that he’s a little bit scary. No such luck. The boy’s eyes widen. “Oooh, are you the bogeyman?” “Bogeyperson,” Derek says, before he can help himself.

~

When Stiles was a boy, he had an imaginary friend named Derek. Ten years later, Derek comes back, and is very, very real.

Five Times Derek and Stiles Kissed For Practice (And One Time They Didn't)

mikkimouse

Summary:

In which Derek and Stiles grow up together and practice kissing, roughly in that order.

216 + 1: Words To Say Instead of I Love You

briggs

Summary:

Derek and Stiles have been best friends for fourteen years. They have their differences, sure, but it's never been a question for them. Their friendship has been the most solid thing in their lives -- until suddenly it isn't anymore.

Funny how just a few choice words can throw fourteen years of friendship off-balance.

OR

a collection of "Bro, That's Gay" one-shots that actually ended up turning into a concrete storyline.

hope is the thing with feathers (part of a series)

ShanaStoryteller

Summary:

Stiles is ten when he saves the Hales from their burning home and Derek from a wolfsbane bullet, and this establishes a pattern that seem to continue indefinitely.

"Then he's facing a burning home, and he wraps the hood of his sweatshirt around his mouth before he pushes the door open and steps inside. There's Mr. Hale asleep - he hopes asleep - on the couch, next to - Stiles thinks that's his brother but there are so many Hales, who can keep track. He rushes over and starts shaking him, can see the rise and fall of the man's chest so he knows he's alive, but he's not waking up. He shoves away his hood so he can shout, "Mr. Hale! You have to get up, there's a fire! Mr. Hale, get up!" Nothing, he's not even twitching, both of them taking in deep even breaths like they're having the most peaceful of rests, and Stiles is going to cry. "Wake up, wake up, wake up!" There's a moment, where all Stiles can hear is the blood rushing in his ears and not the roar of the flames or the creak of wood, then with a violent, silent pop it's all back and both of the men are gasping awake, eyes open and jumping to their feet. "

(one of my favourite fics like EVER)

it came from the trees

whatshouldntbe

Summary:

“Don’t worry, Scott caught me up on everything,” Kira assures with a bubbly smile via video-chat. “You and Derek, huh? I probably should have seen that coming. I always thought it might be Cora, but Derek was the one that looked at you how I used to look at you.”

Stiles goes a little pink. “It’s still kinda new but, yeah. I really like him. He’s...” Beautiful. Patient. Smart. Painfully honest. Sweet.“...a total dork.”

Kira laughs and laughs. When she gets herself together, she replies, “Yeah, those little hearts and stars in your eyes definitely say different."

or

Stiles moves from the shiny, fast-paced lifestyle of Los Angeles to the foggy, sleepy town of Beacon Hills so his dad can become the new sheriff. Newly fifteen, he does his best to finish out his freshman year of high school (by staying under the radar) when he suddenly becomes the Beyoncé of the Supernatural community. And, without much prompting on his part, he ends up catching the eye of one of the most prominent Werewolf families in all of North America. It literally all starts with a stuffed animal(s).

(oh god this fic is the literal best even though its abandoned it ends at okay-ish place. this is one of the best hale family characterisations ive ever read. if you squint it can be a childhood friends to lovers fic but im including it anyway bc its amazing)

Promises aren't Meant to be Broken

paradis

Summary:

“Thanks for saving me,” Stiles blurts out, staring up at Laura, wide eyed.

Laura grins. “I like you,” she says, “we’ll be friends.”

(more laura and stiles besties centric but totally worth a read)

The Things We See

MelodramaticSalad

Summary:

Stiles grew up in the life of knowing that there was always more to life than what others saw with a first glance. Even as a child he saw things that no one else seemed to and always had a fascination with the unusual.

Some considered him an unusual child, but Claudia welcomed every single quirk her son displayed. His mother had a few special talents of her own and thrilled her to see it in her son as well. She'd raised Stiles to always keep his mind open and as grew and started to display his powers, she began to teach him how to use them. She even taught Stiles about werewolves at a young age, his infatuation with them growing once he had learned the truth about her closest friend.

Stiles spent nearly every possible moment that he could roaming the Hale house, following after the middle child most of the time. Derek was three years older than Stiles, but the bond they developed with each other was something their mothers considered out of a story book. Like Derek, Stiles was sensitive to his emotions, but unlike Derek, Stiles didn't need a scent to figure it out. He could feel it.

take me back

matildajones

Summary:

“I dare you to kiss me,” Stiles taunts, and he’s not expecting the way Derek says a naughty word under his breath and then leans forward.

Stiles yelps. He just dodges Derek’s mouth before he’s laughing wildly and running through the trees, calling out a series of ew ew ew as Derek chases him back home.

[tabloidtoc]

National Enquirer, April 5

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Meghan Markle's secret psych analysis

Page 2: Heather Locklear has put on a lot of weight since she got out of rehab last fall -- she looks to be carrying 170 pounds on her five-foot-five frame and she looks to have gained 35 pounds

Page 3: Miranda Lambert has taken another swipe at ex Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani by dissing their upcoming nuptials -- Miranda has been urging mutual friends to skip the wedding and she's got everyone in Nashville and beyond all riled up and either you're Team Miranda or you're Team Blake, and if you're with him you can forget about being friends with her and she's forcing people to choose sides and she'll have no qualms cutting off anyone who attends Blake's wedding

Page 4: Alex Rodriguez struck out with fiancee Jennifer Lopez after she discovered his hot-and-heavy direct messages to a long string of women -- their four-year romance went foul after Southern Charm's Madison LeCroy publicly admitted she'd been in touch with A-Rod and Jennifer found out he'd reached out to other beauties through social media and Jennifer had had enough

* Concerned mom Jennifer Garner is struggling to cement her relationship with daughter Violet now that the 15-year-old is barreling through the turbulent teens -- Jennifer said the heartbreak is just that she's growing up at all and it's heartbreaking for the mom and for the teenager, needing to have that kind of severing of this baby-mama tie

Page 5: Chris Brown's spacey social media posts about aliens have close pals concerned about the R&B crooner, including his once-battered ex Rihanna -- Chris is obsessed with conspiracy theories and all things supernatural

Page 6: Disgraced Felicity Huffman is fuming about scuffling for plum parts while rumors swirl fellow felon Lori Loughlin has already been invited back into her old TV series and Felicity can't understand why she is being forced to go through the whole audition process while Lori seems to be welcomed back with open arms -- though she hates to do it, Felicity feels the only way she can get attention is to do a tell-all interview about her humiliating part in the scandal -- Felicity has scored a part in the ABC pilot Sacramento River Cats, though there is no guarantee the project will make it onto the air, but insiders and fans of the hit Hallmark series When Calls the Heart have all been filling the internet with talk of Lori's rumored return -- Felicity believes the only way to get public sympathy is to spill her guts, even though all she wants is put the scandal far behind her

Page 8: Stressed Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon has been packing on the pounds as his talk show continues to battle with Stephen Colbert's Late Show and Jimmy Kimmel Live in the late-night ratings and Jimmy has been partying and pigging out to find any comfort he can as Tonight continues to trail the field in total viewers and Jimmy is over 200 pounds for the first time in his life and it's because he's overindulging to compensate for the show's struggles and Jimmy and the gym do not mix even though he had a full fitness center installed at his New York apartment years ago

* Debilitated diva Liza Minnelli's 75th birthday party turned into a disaster when her frail physical condition alarmed friends -- celebrity pals also joined a virtual bash for the legend, even though Liza insisted she didn't want a big fuss and Liza's manager threw the small dinner party on her birthday and about eight people, including Joan Collins, attended in person and several other friends, including Barbra Streisand, recorded video messages and performances for Liza but before the party, Liza was in such bad shape she told friends that she didn't want to participate or be seen on camera -- in the end, Liza, who's undergone multiple surgeries and struggled with substance abuse for years, agreed to join the gathering at the L.A. home of her longtime protege Michael Feinstein and Liza sang but she didn't look well and her voice is shot to pieces and she was propped up in a chair and barely moved from it because she can't walk well anymore and during a live chat during the party the hashtag #FreeLiza started to pop up and not everyone meant it as a joke and there's a feeling certain people have taken over her life and longtime friends have been frozen out and they fear she'll never appear in public again and they won't see her again before she dies -- when friends saw the videos the next day they were upset and very worried, saying Liza really appears to have declined

Page 9: Angelina Jolie has fired a shocking new salvo against ex Brad Pitt over custody of their five youngest children and her latest court documents allege domestic violence and even worse, some of the nearly dozen papers Angie just filed offer up a few of the kids to testify against their dad and Angie is now claiming she can offer proof and authority of domestic violence but Brad's lawyers are expected to respond with a vehement denial -- with the newest court filings, all of which are sealed, Angie is determined to get full custody of the kids and Angelina has fought tooth and nail to get what she wants in this divorce and when it comes to her kids she won't back down

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Farrah Abraham in a bikini, 50 Cent chased away his thirst with a drink at an Atlanta eatery, Natasha Lyonne of Russian Doll was on her game while playing chess on the NYC set, Selma Blair met up with a pal in Studio City, Reggie Bush showed he's still in fine form during a Mexican vacay

Page 11: Gwyneth Paltrow isn't above using a little goop to smooth out the age lines -- the lifestyle guru recently admitted to resorting to a teeny drop of Xeomin, which claims to be a uniquely purified choice for frown lines, to help her look less pissed off but she also admitted her history with fillers hasn't always been happy and she had a midlife crisis when she turned 40 and she went to see this doctor and it was a disaster and she was bruised and her forehead was completely frozen and she didn't look like herself at all -- she also admitted she believes there is still a lot of shame around surgery or injectables or fillers and it's like admitting a vulnerability -- she said she thinks aging is hard and when you see your face start to change, you don't necessarily feel your most beautiful, externally, but the irony is it's that time in your life when you actually really like yourself and love yourself

* Wendy Williams' handpicked hunk Mike Esterman has better buckle up because the daytime diva has already mapped out their future, and he's in for a wild ride -- Wendy boasted she chose her Maryland-based beau after receiving hundreds of submissions to her Date Wendy segment, but she's aiming to renovate the contractor and it's all about image, stylists and bodyguards for Wendy right now and she's already got a reality show in the works for them, a TV crew and photographers trailing them everywhere and his-and-her makeovers too -- she's gone from zero to 60 with this guy in a matter of days

Page 12: Straight Shuter gossip column -- Miley Cyrus is going country after her last two albums tanked -- Miley offended her core audience with her outrageous behavior and punk sound and she's signed with a new record label and the plan is to reintroduce her to the country audience that loved her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus, and once loved her -- Miley's behavior has overshadowed her talent for years and her new team will guide Miley back to her roots in the world of country and finding the right sound should be easy but can Miley find the right behavior

* Gayle King owes her glow on CBS This Morning to a new makeup artist and after being tended to by a fill-in makeup artist and told she looked better than ever, Gayle quietly dismissed her longtime makeup man but there's an unspoken code of ethics in the pro makeup world that if you're asked to replace a longtime client's makeup person, the appropriate answer is no

* The Sex and the City reboot isn't all cosmos and roses -- Sarah Jessica Parker was the show's executive producer, giving her much more power than her co-stars, but Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis will also executive produce the reboot and there's already tension -- sharing power is hard for anyone who's been the boss for years and it isn't one big happy family

* Rachel Brosnahan gets some puppy love on the set of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (picture)

Page 13: The knives are out for self-appointed queen bee of The Talk Sharon Osbourne after she was exposed as TV's meanest host -- the salty motormouth has been accused of a barrage of racist and anti-gay zingers, forcing the gabfest to go on hiatus while CBS investigates the claims -- former host Leah Remini claimed Sharon would frequently refer to then-co-host Julie Chen, who is Chinese American, as 'wonton' and 'slanty eyes' and Sharon also reportedly referred to her out lesbian co-host Sara Gilbert as 'p--sy licker' and 'fish eater' -- in a tweet, Holly Robinson Peete implied Sharon's racist comments led to her leaving the show -- Sharon also chased Marie Osmond on the show last fall and tried to take it over after Julie Chen quit in 2018 -- Sharon has denied all claims against her -- Sharon's big personality is central to The Talk, but some of these allegations, although none have yet been proven, are the kind of remarks that could be career-ending

Page 14: Crime

Page 16: Demi Lovato's shocking admission that she continues to puff pot and swill booze after multiple rehab stints and a near-fatal drug overdose has pals and addiction experts convinced the singer is courting disaster -- she dropped the bombshell in a recent interview and claimed indulging in those vices has helped her fend off more serious addictions and the chronic depression that has dogged her entire life -- Demi came very close to dying three years ago after she overdosed on opioids and it triggered three stokes and a heart attack, and a lot of people were terrified she would never recover and her friends are convinced she's put herself right back on the same self-destructive path -- Demi claimed she was sexually assaulted by her dealer on the day of her almost-fatal OD and when her assistant found her unconscious and surrounded by vomit following the wild binge, she was naked and she was blue and she was left for dead and she had unknowingly taken heroin that was laced with the powerful drug fentanyl

Page 17: Devastated Lisa Marie Presley is finding comfort in the arms of her first husband, Danny Keough, after their son Benjamin Keough's suicide -- Danny has given her a shoulder to cry on and he's the only one who can understand the despair she feels after losing Benjamin -- Lisa Marie has been inconsolable since Benjamin died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound and she's moved in with Danny in Woodland Hills, California and she's also struggled with substance abuse and the stress of an ongoing divorce battle from fourth husband Michael Lockwood -- although her marriage to Danny ended in 1994, he's remained close to the family, working as a driver and handyman for their actress daughter, Riley Keough and Riley couldn't be happier that her dad has been so helpful to her mother and it's taking a full team to keep Lisa Marie together and Danny was definitely proven he's still on her team

* The sudden death of Bobby Brown Jr. remains shrouded in mystery as the 28-year-old's autopsy report was placed on a security hold following a request from the LAPD -- the namesake son of Bobby Brown and his ex-girlfriend Kim Ward lived with his famous father in Encino, California, where the singer found him responsive -- Bobby Jr. has been doing drugs with pals and insiders suspected he was deliberately dosed with a fatal cocktail of booze, cocaine and painkillers

Page 18: American Life

Page 19: Tina Turner is using a new documentary about her life as a final farewell to fans after the R&B icon was rocked by a string of physical and mental health woes including the crippling effects of a 2013 stroke -- the eye-opening documentary Tina is a love letter to her millions of supporters and the punctuation mark to a life defined by startling professional success and heartbreaking personal catastrophes -- Tina admitted she's had an abusive life but at a certain stage forgiveness takes over -- in the documentary Tina confessed she suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder and has frightening flashbacks of being savagely beaten throughout her hellish 16-year marriage to the late Ike Turner and Tina's current husband, German music producer Erwin Bach, even compared his spouse to a shell-shocked soldier -- more recently, Tina has been battered by health crises after suffering a stroke in 2013 and being diagnosed with intestinal cancer three years later, mere months before her kidneys failed and Erwin donated one of his own to save her life -- Tina knows the end is near and this film is truly her last encore

Page 20: Match Game -- a round up of male and female celebs who look astonishingly similar, despite their opposite genders -- Sophie Turner and Boy George, Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber, Timothee Chalamet and Natalia Dyer, Tom Cruise and Tig Notaro

Page 21: Melissa McCarthy and Ricky Gervais, Eva Marcille and Terrence Howard, Bret Michaels and Fergie, Josh Hartnett and Clea DuVall

Page 22: Katy Perry sparked rumors she had finally taken the plunge with longtime love Orlando Bloom after she was seen sporting a suspicious gold band on her left ring finger while vacationing in Hawaii

* Scott Disick has confessed baby mama Kourtney Kardashian is the reason his relationships fail -- the reality TV slacker revealed his now ex-girlfriend Sofia Richie felt neglected because he spent more time with Kourtney and their three kids, saying it's definitely not easy that they see each other, work together and are friends but he's always been clear that his priority has been his kids and he even put it out there that taking care of Kourtney is one of his priorities

Page 26: Reality star fixer-uppers Jonathan and Drew Scott are sweating bullets over a lawsuit filed against their Property Brothers show by unhappy clients and the stress over the scandal is wreaking havoc with their personal lives -- Las Vegas couple Mindy and Paul King filed suit against Cineflix, the company that producers Property Brothers, and Villa Construction, a local contracting company, alleging they did a shoddy job repairing their home after the couple forked over $193,000 for renovations -- though the twin brothers aren't named in the lawsuit, they were concerned it could smear their reputations and upset their ladyloves -- Jonathan is close to marriage with actress Zooey Deschanel and Drew is wed to Linda Phan, who is the creative director for their company, Scott Brothers Entertainment -- they're both mortified by these allegations and they don't know what to tell Zooey and Linda, other than they will be cleared when the truth comes out but they're terrified that the bad press could derail the show -- Paul and Mindy answered a 2018 casting call and said they were assured all the work would be HGTV quality but Paul said that the place looks good from afar, but it's far from good and the Kings griped to the Nevada State Contractors Board, citing more than 90 complaints with the work ranging from unmatched baseboards to potential hazards -- as the case plays out, the brothers have been rattled by the controversy and they are stressed that this very public case is calling their work into question and there's a fear more people will come forward with similar charges

Page 28: Cover Story -- a top-secret psychological profile of Prince Harry's wife Meghan Markle paints the former actress as a mentally unstable ticking time bomb who couldn't cope with playing second fiddle to senior royals -- the explosive evaluation unmasks Meghan as a pathological liar and bipolar narcissist with histrionic personality disorder but the jaw-dropping findings about Meghan, who's pregnant with a sister for son Archie, don't surprise palace sources as Meghan's tears, tantrums and extreme mood swings had staffers terrified what she could do or say next and she was consumed with ambition and jealousy -- she married Harry expecting to be the royal superstar, but instead learned she'd always be second to his brother Prince William's wife, Duchess Kate and Meghan couldn't stand that she and Harry would always be in their shadow and wanted to destroy her in-laws but no one expected her to lob a nuclear grenade into her husband's family in a no-holds-barred TV special

Page 32: Health Watch

Page 34: Cara Delevingne confessed she used to be disgusted by same-sex relationships and was suicidal before coming to terms with her sexuality -- the model, who has dated actresses Michelle Rodriguez and Ashley Benson and singer St. Vincent, said she was trapped in a dark place and afraid before she publicly admitted to liking members of the same sex -- she said she grew up in an old-fashioned household and she didn't know anyone who was gay and she didn't know that was a thing and growing up she wasn't knowledgeable of the fact she was homophobic and she continued that the idea of being with same-sex partners, she was disgusted by that, in herself -- Cara, who identifies as pansexual, explained her sexual orientation is constantly changing and added she was so unhappy and she wasn't following her truth, that whole thing of having to fit into the box, she's an androgynous person

* Don McLean wants his decades-younger girlfriend to have the wedding of her dreams and he's set aside $1 million for the big day -- the American Pie singer has been dating model Paris Dylan for five years after an ugly divorce from second wife Patrisha Shnier -- Paris is totally unconcerned by the enormous age gap between the 75-year-old singer and 27-year-old model and wants to spend the rest of their lives together -- Don's going all out making sure she has the wedding that's fit for a princess and he's spending an absolute fortune, giving Paris the best of the best in terms of the venue and the food and the one-of-a-kind dress and Don's given her carte blanche to plan it however she wants, and people are expecting a seriously over-the-top affair

Page 36: Singer Andra Day turned to method acting to play jazz icon Billie Holiday, and it's paid off with an Oscar nomination -- Andra revealed she dropped 39 pounds and took up drinking and smoking to prep for the title role in the biopic The United States vs. Billie Holiday -- Andra doesn't recommend smoking and drinking, but she did it because she was just desperate for her first role -- Andra, famed for writing and performing the song Rise Up, also sings in the movie as Holiday, and changed her singing voice to reflect the music legend's pain

* Hollywood Hookups -- MTV reality stars Jenna Compono and Zach Nichols secretly tied the knot and their first child is due in August, Larsa Pippen is dating Myles Kronman, Ashley Jacobs and Mike Appel engaged

Page 38: Cindy Crawford said posing for Playboy was a snap compared to acting in movies -- Cindy said she really regrets starring in the 1995 bomb Fair Game, where she played a lawyer fighting a former KGB spy -- she said she never wanted to be an actor, but a producer begged her and he kept upping the price until she thought she'd be an idiot to say no, but she should have said no, or prepared herself better -- the experience taught her she's very comfortable in front of a camera, but only when she's being herself

* Former American Idol judge Randy Jackson is half the man he used to be and he couldn't be happier about it -- Randy has dropped a whopping 130 pounds to head off potentially deadly effects of his type 2 diabetes and did it in the healthiest ways -- he wrote in his book Body with Soul, it's a curse to be saddled with a disease that's life-threatening, but it's a blessing to get that huge wake-up call -- Randy admitted to crushing the scale at 358 pounds before getting gastric bypass in 2003 but now exercises and eats right and he's ditched sugar and gluten and he wants to be an example for other obese folks and show them they can get healthy and stay that way

Page 40: Tom Brady did an end run around fuming wife Gisele Bundchen by signing a four-year contract extension with his new Tampa Bay Buccaneers team after winning the Super Bowl -- the 43-year-old quarterback promised Gisele he would hang up his cleats after the upcoming season since winning last year's championship but changed his mind after snagging his record seventh NFL title with the Bucs -- Gisele is both angry and astonished because they had spoken about him finally settling down to be a full-time father and husband, but he can't stop chasing glory on the field and Gisele was stunned by his decision to re-up for another four years while the two were discussing expanding their brood and they had planned to have another child after buying their dream house on Indian Creek Island in Miami and they were even drawing plans for a nursery, and now that Tom's done a complete turnaround, everything is up in the air; it's caused some serious tension in their marriage

Page 42: Red Carpet -- Grammy Awards -- Billie Eilish, Megan Thee Stallion, Dua Lipa, Noah Cyrus, Lizzo, Taylor Swift

[roscoe-me-and-this-fuckin-kid]

My Ryden Recs

not in any particular order

The Heart Rate of a Mouse Series (11/10)

~513k words

Ryan "Heterosexual" Ross and his incredibly popular prog rock band, The Followers, start their summer tour for their new hit album "Boneless" in June of 1974. However, Ryan begins to take a shine to their new roadie, the ever mysterious Brendon No-Last-Name-Given, who dodges questions about his past and flaunts his flamboyant homosexuality. After an assault by a member of the supporting act, Brendon and Ryan get their payback, and begin to bond. But much to Ryan's confusion and alarm, he starts to want something he can't let himself have, starts to feel something he can't let himself feel.

--Okay I kinda lied. This list is in no particular order EXCEPT for this one. This one is the best. Anna Green owns my ass. I'm not someone who's picky about first vs third person, but if you are, then just this once throw that out the window and read this utter masterpiece. Ryan's character development throughout is so touching, but my god he fucks up a lot. One of my friends who has gone through the process of buying the physical copies and annotating them says that Ryan majorly fucks up over 50 times. Emotional rollercoaster straight ahead!--

Freaks (7/10)

~45k words

Ryan's face was permanently disfigured when he was 12 years old, and since then, the only person who has ever stood by his side is his best friend Spencer. After earning the nickname "Freak" in high school, he finally accepts that nobody will ever want him, or ever treat him normally again. But after an accident that lands him temporarily in the hospital, he meets Brendon. They get along great, and Ryan begins to fall in love. One small problem though:

Brendon had been recently blinded. Neither of them know if it's permanent, and Ryan is sure that if Brendon knew about his face, he would leave him forever.

--I really liked this one. It makes you sit on edge and every single time you think that Ryan will finally confess and tell the truth, he blue balls you like an asshole. This story is so sad and so sweet, I definitely recommend. Also, there's some background Joncer, which is really cute. Definitely a worthy read if you're looking for some angsty fluff. Oh, and a little aside: the author, spazzyskittles on LJ, actually beta-ed a lot of Anna Green's Ryden fics, including THROAM! So do with that what you will ;)--

The Red Eyed Owl Series (10/10)

~403k words

As one of the best players of one of the best National Hockey League teams, the Chicago Hounds, Ryan Ross has everything he could ever want. Young, famous, and free to do whatever he damn well pleases, the world either wants him or wants to be him. But after a leg injury that could potentially ruin his career, Ryan begins to realise that perhaps he doesn't have everything. Perhaps some things can mean so much more than women throwing themselves at you every chance they get and receiving bottomless drinks at sports bars. Perhaps he could fall in love.

--This was actually recommended to me by @wandering-verses and it was 100% worth the read. I broke out crying in the middle of class during the second book, and I cried again at 3 am when I stayed up all night to finish it. It's one of those that fucks you up so bad that you can't read anything else for a little while after finishing. Now, both the authors are from Spain, so English isn't their native tongue, but it's so well written that I probably wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't read the notes at the very beginning. An all time Ryden fave.--

Missing In Action (10/10)

~204k words

In where the American Civil War goes differently, the nation once known as the United States of America is instead separated into two: DURA and Beauregia. The latter didn't change much in terms of their economy. Slavery is still legal, and the kingdom is ruled under a tight, Christian monarchy. Their king is Boyd Beauregard. His only son, crown Prince Brendon Beauregard, heir to the throne, resides in the highly respected Saint Francis' Academy. DURA on the other hand developed quickly, a democracy founded on new technology and equitable ideals.

Everyday, bipartisanship seems farther away from grasp, and DURA, realising that cooperation is impossible, creates the DURA investigative bureau. Identifying the crown prince as the Royal Family's weakest link, they realise that he could become an infinitely invaluable asset to them. Agent Ross, under the pseudonym "Ryan Hastings", is chosen to go undercover, enroll in Saint Francis' boarding school, infiltrate the Prince's friend group, and gain his trust by any means necessary.

--I'm ashamed to admit that I let this one pass me by for a while. I read the words "American Civil War" and I automatically assumed that this would be a mid 1800's Civil War fic about closeted gay soilders, and I'm not against that, but the premise didn't really interest me. But once I finally caved and started reading, I quickly realised not only was the premise entirely different, but it was really fuckin' good. Read this!!!!--

Esoteric Contagion (8/10)

~18k words

He wakes up with a note stuck to his forehead that reads, “You traded your memory in a spell. It was worth it.” The note is signed George Ross. He wonders if that’s his name.

In which things are lost and gained and remembered and forgotten, in that order.

--Despite being the shortest on this list, I loved it to death. You will cry so hard, I promise. This story is so sad. The author can deal so many shocking blows in less than 20,000 words, and you will be completely invested. I don't want to spoil anything, but it's massively underrated, and it will fuck you up.--

Two Vatos Locos Series (7/10)

~311k words

When you have your first dream with your soulmate, everything changes. But after years and years of watching all his friends have their dreams and fall in love, Ryan started to wonder if he would ever has his dream. At twenty, Ryan started to get desperate. He went to doctors, therapists, even a fucking palm reader. No one could tell him what was wrong with him. There was only one explanation: his soulmate had to be dead.

Ryan spent endless hours laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, begging, wishing, praying to have his dream and meet his soulmate. One day, with blood gushing down his face and vomit coating his tongue, his prayers were finally answered.

And now, as he stares at this scared, helpless boy, with bloodied rope burns around his wrists and tears staining his cheeks, he wishes that they never were.

--The title "Dos Vatos Locos Lleno de Carnalismo y Inamorates" roughly translates to "Two Crazy Dudes Full of Carnality and Infatuation," which is definitely accurate. I did enjoy this fic; it was cute, sad, and very interesting, but if you are interested in reading, you will need to be patient at times. Some passages seem like filler and the writing in a few places is kinda dry or cringey. But it's still overall a good story though. WARNING: Brendon is underage for most of this fic, but nothing sexual happens until he is of age.--

The Way Home From Nowhere Series (9/10)

~158k words

After his parents find out about his relationship with another boy, Brendon Urie makes a snap decision to flee from his abusive home. After a quick makeover to hide his identity, he decides to thumb a ride. He starts living the life he never even dreamed he could. Talking openly about things like sex, condoms, and homosexuality- he's happier then he's ever been.

There's one problem though.

His new roommates, Ryan and Spencer, have no idea that he is the missing Mormon boy from the nearby town of Summerlin.

--Ladies and gents, welcome to my first ever Ryden fic! This will always be a favourite of mine. Both Brendon's arc and Ryan's are are so heartbreaking, and there were so many times that I wanted to reach into the story and give Dallon a hug. So many tragedies in this story, and not all of them solved. I don't have any empathy for Brendon's parents in this story, but I feel so hard for his siblings, and for Marc. I just wish they knew. This story is so heartbreaking and yet so happy. Will play with your emotions like they're a shiny new toy.--

Filthy Lucre (10/10)

~362k words

Ryan Ross is living the American wet dream. He’s rich, he’s good looking, he gets paid just to turn up at parties and he spends his days drinking, doing drugs and climbing into bed with eager and willing boys and girls. His parents and PA beg him to quit, and his brother turns up his noise at his destructive lifestyle, but Ryan is desperate to sink into the void, escape the memories of what his father's friend did to him when he was fifteen.

Brendon Urie is a man bordering on desperation. He whores himself out to millionaire bankers and CEOs to fund his boyfriend's heroin addiction and pay off his ungrateful father's medical bills. Things could be worse, though. He's lucky enough to have a roof over his head, to be living with the love of his life, to no longer have to hook on the street, but instead be privileged enough to turn tricks in the wealthy circles of Wall Street and Goldman Sachs.

Where a broken boy meets another broken boy, and falls in love.

--Normally, I would never recommend an unfinished fic, let alone fic that hasn't been updated in four years, unless it was it was so good and so engaging that it made me literally scream. Trust me when I say that you have not experienced true hatred until you read this fic. I have literally never hated a character more in my entire life, and I know who Dolores Umbridge is, for reference. The best thing about this fic, in my opinion, is that the characters, whether good guys or bad guys, do evil. And they do it on purpose. Because the characters feel and act as though they're real, and real people fucking suck.--

The Black Rose Season (8/10)

~158k words

Ryan Ross' life is essentially over when his scholarship is inexplicably cancelled and he will be forced to pay his way through school. As a young, broke college student, Ryan is desperate to find cash fast, but to no avail. Just when he thinks all hope is lost, a mysterious benefactor promises to pay his tuition in full, on one condition: Ryan is infiltrate Sigma Chi Beta, the most prestigious and cultish fraternity that Swan University has to offer. And if, by some miracle, Ryan succeeds, his mission is clear:

Befriend Brendon Urie, fellow Swan Sigma, and, more importantly, alleged leader of Sigma Chi Beta's secret society, which might not even exist. He is to document his findings, and send them to his benefactor. One small problem though: Brendon fucking hates his guts.

--Did I mention that Anna Green owns my ass? Because Anna Green owns my ass. This one is so fleshed out, and there are some moments where it really spikes you in the chest. Every time that Patrick comes onto the page, my interest piques, and I remember That One Scene™ that completely changed my perspective of him (You'll understand once you read). Besides... college AU? Secret societies? Betrayal? Enemies to lovers? Sexual tension? Need I say more?--

I have more fics to recommend if you guys like this list, so tell me if you want more fic recs

[rewrite-canon]

Fifteen Minutes

Monster Prom // No Pairings // 2609 Words // Lyrics by Mike Krol

“What if I told you that the world was gonna end? And you had fifteen minutes to spend with me or your friends?” Vicky sings, bobbing her head to the tune that seemed to be playing in her head.

“What lame shit are you singing now?” Damien demanded, flicking a finger at her.

“None of your business,” Vicky bristled. “Why do you care anyway?”

I sucked in a breath. Vicky was really pushing it now. I think she is the only one with balls low enough to question Damien. Besides me, obviously. Well, Vera and Brian were plenty badass for it too. But only because Vera had enough brain cells to manipulate the way she said it that it looked like she wasn’t confronting him, and also because Brian gave no fucks whatsoever about Damien’s chaotic behaviour. Even now, I shudder to think of some of the arguments Damien and Brian had had.

And speaking of the devil and his green mates, they were huddled together in a manner that only meant no good. Now, Damien had swivelled around to face Vicky, a sneer on his face. I was sure his eyes would flare in rage at her question (they were always somewhat flared with rage), but instead they narrowed and Damien just frowned.

“Because you're distracting me, Brian and Vera from devising a plan to ransack the new substitute’s office with horny epileptics from hell for when he starts looking at our attendance records,” Damien said, gesturing to Brian, who had looked up blankly, and Vera, who was wearing her trademark scowl.

I should've known. Damien had always had a weird soft spot for Vicky (and Oz and Scott, but everybody had a soft spot for Oz and Scott).

“And steal his things,” Vera added. “I heard ghouls were filthy rich.”

“Great,” Brian rolled his eyes sarcastically at her. “So you're just going to waltz into Mr Devido’s office whilst he's being assaulted by epileptic demons and take your time picking and choosing what's valuable enough for your standards, unaware? Great plan, Vera. I thought you were supposed to be a grand schemer.”

Meanwhile, Vicky went back to humming her little tune. Miranda, who was in the middle of braiding Liam’s hair as he was browsing his phone (a seemingly pure act, if you ignored the fact that he was reading erotic gay smut and she kept rambling on her father’s new murderous conquests), looked up at her and smiled warmly. She soon picked up the few words Vicky sang, and began to sing it too, Liam then unconsciously murmuring them too after a while.

“I am, you ungrateful toad,” Vera snapped in the meantime. “Would you be paying attention to anything else around you if you were being grinded on by demons having seizures?”

Brian seemed to mull it over, then he said, “You’ve got a point.”

Polly, who had her head laid in Oz’s lap (poor Oz was trying to do homework, and ignore the heinous acts his friends were planning to commit) and her feet were resting in Scott’s lap (Scott was just chewing on a football, only to stop, look up, and smile adorably at everybody) and was complaining loudly at how bored and sober she was, and how she hadn't got completely wasted in seven hours.

“Seven hours!” She cried out, either to Oz or Scott, but it might as well of been no one, because no one was really listening. “That's the longest I've ever been without drugs and adrenaline coursing through my undead body! Can you imagine? And it's because I'm hanging out with you borings fuckheads. I mean, I'm literally in the lap of somebody doing fucking homework. I haven't even said the word ‘homework’ in centuries. And I'm not even on Oz’s lap in a sexual way so what even is the fucking point–?”

“–And you had fifteen minutes to spend with me or your friends?”

<!— more —>

“What the fuck are you singing?!” Damien roared at Liam, who jerked in alarm, Miranda, who just grinned evilly, and Vicky, who just rolled her eyes at his drama. “It’s going to make me go insane!”

“More insane than you already are?” I prompted, not being able to help myself.

Damien’s scorching eyes turned to me, and I snickered. He’s so easy to piss off.

“Amira,” he growled at me, “tell Vicky and company to shut the fuck up. They respect you for some reason.”

“It’s because she has really fucking good music taste,” Polly answered for Damien. “Like, it’s seriously good.”

Everyone collectively nodded, and I blushed.

“Wow guys,” I said, feeling this was a good time to talk about Rex Orange County’s new album, “it’s not that–”

“What would you guys do if you had fifteen minutes left in life?” Scott blurted, a troubled (yet absolutely adorable) expression on his face.

“I'd probably try to fuck up the world even more,” Polly said immediately, grinning at the thought. “I think I'd try to burn down everything, spray some secret concoction to get people incredibly horny, watch them get at it as they're burning to death, and I plan to do this all while riding a donkey casually.”

“To be honest, I'd probably try to finish this first and foremost,” Liam said, holding up his phone. Then he smiled goofily. “This shit is good.”

“Would you spend it with me and friends?” Scott said, wide-eyed.

Polly and Liam looked at him, at his vulnerable face, and I knew what they were going to say before they said it.

“Of course!” Polly said enthusiastically. “Yeah, doing all that with you guys would make it even more rad!”

“Yeah,” Liam added, but then blushed in that cute, shy way. “But I don’t know how much you guys would love reading this with me.”

“I’d love doing everything with you both,” Scott grinned, his mood instantly picking up, as Polly choked at the statement. He then turned to look at Damien and Oz.

“How about you two?” Scott queried, and I laughed a bit about how Damien’s face scrunched up as he started to think about. No doubt he was using his maximum brain power.

“To be honest, I’m probably the one who is ending the world,” Damien remarked, and everyone started to nod their heads in agreement. “So, sorry about that in advance.”

“I’d probably have to finish this Monsters' History homework first,” Oz said, gesturing awkwardly at his essay he was writing out, “and then I’d probably straighten up all my debts and then–”

“Oh my Satan, Oz, shut it,” Damien said, massaging his temples, as if Oz’s statement caused him physical harm. “It makes me sad, that you would say that. And it also makes me impeccably annoyed with you. And now I feel hostile.”

“When do you not feel hostile, though?” Vicky and I said at the same time, and then we grin at each other and high five.

Damien glared at us, whilst Oz is quick to defuse the fire.

“Well, sorry Damien, but I'm just being honest,” he said quickly, drawing Damien’s attention to him (which is kinda ballsy, if I do say so myself). “But what I do know,” Oz continued bravely, under Damien's smouldering gaze, “is that I wouldn't mind ending the world with you, Damien.”

It's hilarious, seeing Damien’s naturally red face get even redder, and to see Oz realise what he just said and sputter innocently. Vera, however, is not pleased.

“Oh,” she said, sniffing in jealous offence (that takes me all the willpower I possessed not to burst into giggling fits, and I could see I wasn't the only one struggling there, because Polly was just barely keeping it down), “I see how it is. You would destroy the world with Damien, but not with me, Oz?”

“What? No! Of course I would want to do everything with you–” and then Oz’s voice died and Polly finally lost it, which made me burst as well, and the next thing you know Vicky was also giggling along with us. Even Brian seemed to be smirking.

Vera glared at us, which made Vicky and me shut up, and Brian just lost his amused expression naturally, but Polly was undeterred.

“For the record,” Damien said in a weird, insecure, shy tone that made him sound like an entirely different person. “I don't, you know, mind doing homework or whatever nerdy stuff with you, Oz.”

And now Brian was the one sputtering.

“Oh you fucking snot,” he spat, and both Damien and Oz flinched before they could get any more flustered (watching those two try to interact and connect was the funniest shit ever, everyone agreed). “So when I asked for you to hang out with me when I was doing my homework, do you remember what you told me? You told me to get fucked!”

Was it just me, or did Brian genuinely sound hurt? It must've not only been me, because Scott started to pout and put a gentle (albeit big and hairy) hand on Brian’s shoulder, which at least made Brian relax at his touch a bit (if anyone had the power of friendship at their fingertips, it was Scott). Even Liam looked up, vaguely distraught.

“That was only because you had Liam and Miranda over,” Damien, sniffing indignantly. “And if I went, I knew you wouldn't stop making heart eyes at Miranda, so I blew it off to commit tax fraud with Amira. But if you really wanted me to come, then you should've just, you should've just–”

Damien looked at a loss.

“Told him how you really felt?” Vicky prompted, and Damien snapped his fingers.

“Yes!” He exclaimed. “That.”

“What would you do then, Brian and Vera? If you had fifteen minutes?” Miranda asked this time, her eyes shining with curiosity.

“Spend all the millions I’ve earned to hire a gang and assassinate anyone who had ever crossed me,” Vera said without hesitating. “Then, I shall have them skinned and made into fabulous purses. And then I will sell those purses to earn me even more money, and use that to buy us all really expensive, furnished mansions, with servants and multicultural cuisines and everything, so we can live the rest of our lives in absolute luxury.”

Awww. That was actually quite adorable. Vera cares about our lifestyles too!

“And you plan to do this all in fifteen minutes?” Liam asked, deadpan.

“You'd be surprised at how efficient I am,” Vera sniffed, but I didn't think I'd actually be that surprised.

“Definitely not hang out with Damien,” Brian sniffed sourly after Vera had shared. “I guess try to finish off ransacking the new substitute’s office with horny epileptics with Vera. And then, I don't know. Relax and await my death.”

“Well, that's fucking depressing,” Polly murmured to me. “And I didn't know I was capable of getting depressed.”

I snorted. Was she still astounded about how somber Brian was?

“Wouldn't you still have to hang out with Damien to continue your plan with the horny epileptics, though?” Liam asked.

“Well, yeah, fine,” Brian said, not making eye contact with his demon friend (who was trying to make eye contact with him, and honestly, it was shocking how much Brian and Damien got into their own squabbles). “But I don't have to talk to him. That can be Vera’s job.”

“I'm not being your owl!” Vera hissed at him, and she actually hissed. Her small green snakes on her head did too, showing how much she detested the idea.

“What if you were paid?” Miranda queried, probably just out of curiosity, but Vera’s hissing ceased immediately.

Before Vera could discuss any specifics, Vicky butted in.

“I’ve thought about this one,” she said smugly, and no one was surprised. Number one, Vicky had thought about scenarios for everything. And number two, she probably would've thought of this before if she knew the song beforehand. “I would make it my life's goal to find the tastiest flavour of ice cream in all the dimensions! And once I find that ice cream, I will use a device that I would have Calculester make me, that clones the ice cream! And then I will bring all the ice cream back to this dimension and invite all of you guys over and we can eat the ice cream together!”

Everyone seemed to enjoy that idea, except one frowning ghost.

“Um, hello?” Polly asked, raising a hand and gesturing to herself. “Did you forget about me?”

“Of course not!” Vicky exclaimed emotionally. “Caculester is now working on a device that makes food into incorporeal substance that you can digest, Polly. Because, seriously, it breaks my heart that you can't eat. It really does.”

Polly seemed satisfied enough with that answer.

“How did you get Calculester to do that for you?” I ask.

Vicky winked. “Let's just say I turned on my unwavering charm to that library computer. And he didn't stand a chance.”

“If I had fifteen minutes left, I would want to be coronated,” Miaranda said, poshly. “I would invite you all to my coronation, of course. And then once I am mermaid queen I will throw an amazing national party for all of us to enjoy, whilst forcing my endless numbers of slaves to fight each other to the death for our entertainment! Oh, I can see it all coming together!”

Miranda’s expression turned dreamy, which was cute but also quite disturbing since she was thinking about bloodshed. Damien started to nod in approval, though. He seemed to like the idea. Bloody royals.

“I would want to take all of you to the park, where we can have a picnic, and hold hands, and give each other gifts to show how much we care for one another!” Scott said, his tail wagging happily. “And then we can sing songs and die happy with each other, knowing that we love us!”

Scott was so adorable, everyone looked misty-eyed. Vicky leapt up to wrap her arms around Scott, her affection for him seeming to be too overwhelming for her (Scott didn't complain, though). Brian was smiling, and seemed to forget about his brief argument with Damien, because now they were both grinning at each other. Liam was even beaming.

“Ew,” Vera finally said. “I can't believe you all liked that.” She pointed a finger at Scott. “Say that again and you will give me diabetes. I just hope you know that.”

But we all knew she secretly liked the sodding friendship story Scott came up with.

“What's diabetes?” Scott said, bushy eyebrows creasing.

“How about you, Amira?” Oz piped up, and all eyes were suddenly on me. “You haven't said what you would do.”

I mulled it over for a bit, but then spoke up without there being much mental contest.

“Probably make you all listen to the new Rex Orange County playlist,” I said, and Vicky and Damien sniggered.

“You're so predictable,” Vicky giggled.

“What can I say?” I shrug, breaking into a smile too. “My reputation precedes me.”

We all sit there in contented silence for a bit, just enjoying and treasuring one another.

“There's just one problem,” I said, drawing everyone's attention again. “How would we plan to do all of what we all want to do in fifteen minutes? Seems impossible.”

Brian started to smirk, and then Miranda started to smile, and soon Polly was also grinning.

“We’d figure it out,” Brian said. “I bet we would. We've already done so many impossible things in our weirdass lifetimes.”

I shared a smile with him.

“Yeah,” I said finally. “Fifteen minutes is nothing for us.”

[humanmaybe]

Hey??? Ya know the hozier ask thing??? Do Them A L L

Oh SHIII-

Hozier - How tall are you?

uhhh I think about 5′6″

Wasteland, Baby! - Have you ever fallen in love?

Head over heels babeyyyy 💕 @greatvaluegreaser

Nina Cried Power - What protest, today or in history, do you wish you could write a thank you note for?

OK not for Woke Points but like… legitimately, Stonewall. I’d fuckin participate if I could, hell yes 👏👏👏

Almost (Sweet Music) - What’s your favorite style of music? Favorite song off this album?

My fav style switches around a lot, but the most common genre is probably like… Indie, Alternative, or singer/songwriter because I like unique sounds.

And my fav song is SUCH a hard choice tbh, but I think it’s gotta be To Noise Making (Sing) because when I first heard it I got emotional.

Movement - If you could move anywhere in the world at this very moment, with no restrictions, where would you move to and what lifestyle would you live?

Real answer: Anywhere I can go to be with my babe, have a soft life with her and do what we love 💕

Self indulgent answer: Somewhere in Europe, maybe Ireland? Cause I loved it so much there. I’d love to have a small farm maybe, or idk maybe a flower garden. Yeah I’d love to be a florist, Idk why, that’s just coming to me rn. Again, something soft and away from people.

No Plan - What’s one spontaneous thing you did that you have good memories of?

uhhhhhahaha I have done nothing spontaneous in my life that wasn’t influenced directly by @greatvaluegreaser……… but all of those have wonderful memories. So I guess starting our relationship in the first place!

Nobody - What’s your favorite thing to do when no one is around?

Relax. It sounds stupid, but I can only really truly relax when I’m alone and not worrying constantly about how I’m presenting myself to others. That goes for appearance, and anything I’m doing at the time, like what videos I watch or games I play, even if they’re perfectly normal.

To Noise Making (Sing) - Do you play an instrument or sing? Do you want to learn an instrument?

I played clarinet in 5th grade, then switched to percussion and stayed with that through the rest of school. I love all percussion instruments cause there’s soooo much variety! I’d love to learn guitar, or cello though.

As It Was - If you could go back in time with the knowledge you had now, but you had to redo the last ten years over again, would you?

With the knowledge I had now? I would stay away from so many bad people, probably break up with my first boyfriend as soon as he moved away rather than staying with him so long, I would actually know what I wanted to do in life and stick to graphic design over anything else, but I would still make sure to find and start talking to my gf. Maybe get lucky and find her even sooner than I did. I’d do everything I could to reshape my life and avoid the shit that made me unhappy.

And also like, I’d be able to embrace just how gay I am, a lot sooner.

Shrike - What’s your favorite plant or flower?

THIS is hard too cause I just love plants so much mfdhffh

I prefer carnations over roses, but also I love small delicate flowers that are usually used as filler or accent flowers. I love morning glories, succulents and cactuses, hummingbird vines, irises, honeysuckle, dogwood blossoms, and rly anything that attracts bees and butterflies.

Talk - Who is one writer/artist/creator that you wish you could talk to, dead or alive?

Honestly the other day I got SUPER emotional about Van Gogh and i just…. I just need to tell him it’ll be okay

Be - Where is your favorite place to be? In general? Right now?

In general I love mountains, rivers, forests, parks, any place with cool crisp air and just the sounds of nature. Or tbh, book stores or art stores.

Right now tho I wanna be in BED lmao 😂

Dinner & Diatribes - If you could give an angry speech to anyone in the world right now, dead or alive, with no interruptions, who would it be?

My entire ass racist homophobic family

Would That I - What’s your biggest ‘would have, should have, could have’ moment?

Tbh it would definitely be like… either breaking up with my bf sooner, or just handling the breakup better. But hindsight is 20/20 right? And I kinda doubt he would have reacted any other way.

Sunlight - What is the weather like where you are right now? What’s your favorite kind of weather?

Its finally getting a lil warmer, but we’ve had minor flooding from how much rain we’ve had, and its still pretty cold some days. Trees are blossoming in 40 degree weather.

My favorite weather is like… medium 60′s. You can wear whatever you want because the sun is warm but the air is cool, you can get hot or cold drinks and be fine either way… If it’s fall then sweaters and earth tones are IN, if its early spring there are blossoms and baby animals and everyone sells pastels… nice.

NWFWMB - Have you ever went through a natural disaster?

GA gets a lotte tornados and once my family was like “Lets go fuckin driving” and we literally SAW the tornado in the distance…. and if we had been traveling a little later, the tornado would have swept us up cause it went right over the road we had been on mdgfd

Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue) - What’s your favorite tongue/language?

Idk if I have a favorite cause I’m a shitty Monolingual Bitch. But I’d love to learn Gaelic!

[unexpectedreylo]

What’s With Star Wars Fandom Anyway?

Last week I posted this piece on the condescending attitudes of BNFs, bloggers, and professional fanboys toward Reylos and fans of romance in general.  

This got me thinking on the long-time sense of discomfort I have had with other Star Wars fans for many, many years.  Long before the prequels or Reylo or bizarre petitions against movies.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve also met a lot of terrific people, some of which have been friends for decades.  But the level of discourse, especially on social media, has reached a nadir.  It’s honestly the worst I’ve ever seen.

Some of it reflects where society is as a whole.  Social media was meant to connect people but it’s created tribes and turned friends and families into mortal enemies.  Total strangers feel comfortable being cruel to other strangers.  People seek validation and dopamine hits from “likes.”  Even I’m guilty of this!  

Some of it reflects what’s terrible about nerd/geek culture.  On the one hand, my entry into the world of fan fiction and zines in the ‘90s was a welcome change from the are-you-cool-enough world of indie/alternative that I was in beforehand.  On the other hand there was an element of “yes but are you as much of a fan as I am” that is too prevalent today.  As anyone who has read “Misery” knows, fan passion can easily be warped into something destructive, especially when things don’t go the way the fan wants.  I used to call fellow fans like that Annie Wilkeses and joke about hoping George Lucas’s car never crashes in front of their houses. (I guess I should say that now about Rian Johnson, Kathleen Kennedy, and J.J. Abrams.)  Nerds generally make perfect the enemy of very good, pretty good, or just good.  If it’s not a face melting experience it’s the worst thing ever.

Some of it though is because of what Star Wars has been specifically.  Star Wars has always had tremendous mainstream success, which means it’s always been open to all kinds of people, on a global level. Yet there’s always been a subset of moviegoers, people like you or me, who are very passionate about it.  This gives Star Wars an easy entry to a particular cult within a larger more casual fan base.  This cult has all of the problems of other cultish things along with a large variety of people with a large variety of views, beliefs, lifestyles, etc. who are involved in it.  

The other thing I’ve come to realize is that many Star Wars fans look to the saga as comfort food they want served their way, not as art.  The only logical conclusion I can come to after 41 years of loving Star Wars and 26 years of observing fandom is that what many fans want is safe, easy, predictable, and familiar, not what’s challenging.  There’s a reason why the second chapter in every trilogy so far ends up with the lowest box office of the three.  It’s always the chapter that says, “You think you know Star Wars?  You think you know what’s going to happen next?  Guess what?  You don’t.”  Nothing symbolized this better than the camera panning upward instead of down to an inverted Naboo royal starship at the beginning of AOTC, a ship that then descends into fog on Coruscant.  Even the hallowed TESB left people perplexed with its unexpected twists and its cliffhanger ending.  Today it’s regarded differently precisely because it took chances, yet so did AOTC and TLJ.  I’ll get to why TESB today doesn’t get the same backlash dumped on the latter two films in a minute.

I believe there is a reason why TFA is the way it is and why it seemed that Lucas’s ideas for the ST didn’t seem to manifest much until TLJ.  Abrams and company KNEW there was a backlash against TPM was because it didn’t feel familiar enough to Gen-X fans.  No, it’s not because of kid Anakin or even Jar Jar.  They were excuses, lightning rods for reasons people can’t or don’t want to articulate.  TFA had a huge advantage in that it had the OT3 back while TPM had an entirely new cast, Yoda and droids aside.  It carefully made sure its setting looked enough like the OT to be comforting to those fans of the old school.  Some of the new characters were easy to place in missing slots:  Rey was like young Luke, Kylo Ren was like Darth Vader, Snoke was like the Emperor, Man Kanata like Yoda, etc..  A lot of it was lighthearted and funny.  And it worked.  Not everyone was thrilled with it.  I had criticisms of  the film at the time.  Eventually a slow burn backlash developed, mostly accusing TFA of being unoriginal and making Rey a Mary Sue, but it wasn’t anything on the scale of hysterics that I saw with the prequels and with TLJ.

Why do many Star Wars fans demand “comfort food?”  It has to do with the first film and the way it presents a galaxy in black and white, where good and evil are identifiable and its sense of deep familiarity in spite of its setting due to its expert use of archetypes and tropes.  I’m not criticizing this at all.  It is at the heart of ANH’s brilliance and charm.  It was released at time when America really needed to believe in itself again after the chaotic ‘60s and early ‘70s.  To a generation of latch key kids and broken homes, it also provided comfort, clarity, certainty, and adults to look up to.  Don’t believe me?  Why the freakout then over Luke’s portrayal in TLJ?  A lot of people my age, myself included, put them up on a pedestal.  Naturally a film that provides those things will attract people who seek them out.  The Star Wars saga has moved away from those stark differences in the other films but there’s still a clear morality.  

As I had previously noted, TESB initially made some people scratch their heads.  But it became the cool kid at the table years later.  Why is that?  Sure some of it was Gen-Xers who had become accustomed to darker entertainment, antiheroes, irony, and cynicism having retro respect for a blockbuster movie that didn't have a happy ending.  But I think it’s also because of familiarity.  When you watch a movie 75 times it’s not quite so shocking anymore.  Instead it becomes that album where you know every song by heart, even every bridge and chord change.  It’s part of your DNA.  I think this may be a reason, though not the sole reason, why it seems the prequels are gaining more respect.  After 13-19 years, they’ve become familiar too.  And to many fans, familiar is better than scary and unknown, which is what watching any new Star Wars movie for the first time is like.  

This is why TLJ really threw them for a loop.  They thought TFA made it clear what was going to happen next:  Kylo was going to be even badder, Rey was going to train and find out she’s either a Skywalker or a Kenobi so that justifies her existence, Snoke was going to be revealed as someone really important, Rey was going to hook up with Finn or maybe we’ll get something even more “progressive” with a gay romance, and Luke was going to return as his lovable old self.  And none of that happened.  Instead of just saying, “Okay, I guess I was off then,” they revolt online as though Lucasfilm is going to listen to a social media mob.  They also attack other fans who aren’t on the hate bandwagon along with them.

The problem is there’s little anyone can do about it.  The good news is they make up a small portion of the Star Wars moviegoing public and Lucasfilm knows as much as they complain, they will still show up for their fix.

[vampirevodka-blog]

Analysis: Kiwi MV by Harry Styles

First of all i was so fucking excited for this video. this is one of my favorite’s off the album and i’m so glad it got a mv. 

so, the first thing i’m going to discuss and unpack is how all the actors/tresses are children. The only adult we see throughout is Harry himself, but I’ll get into the role he plays later. 

let’s agree that the children represent a younger generation of people in society. since we have Beau--the little girl (who almost appears androgynous--again, i’ll get into that later) dressed almost identically to Harry in the video--as the representation of Harry himself, let’s say that the children represent harry’s generation, which, consequentially, reflects us. our generation. 

now, i don't want to piss anybody off with this analysis so if you don’t like the idea of all of the conflicts/tension caused by inequality in society today being caused by the select few in power, stop reading. there’s a lot of orwellian ideas coming up in the analysis. 

SO. we all know harry’s main motif--especially for this album--is to spread love. if it’s that easy--who’s stopping the love from being passed around? the disclaimer at the beginning (see above) is reminiscent of one when viewers are about to be subjected to triggering content, such as violence. we see beau, determinedly making her way down an empty hall, ammo in hand and ready for whatever chaos is to come. everyone’s preparing for it, and we see all the different children already tense and arguing, the pastries and baked goods all placed in the center of the room, almost like the cornucopia in the hunger games.

the thing is, the children all have their own cupcakes already in their hands. all the children have sweets, but none of them actually begin to throw them at each other until beau walks in and starts the food fight. we don’t even get an explanation as to why they are all arguing in the mv, which is usually a stylistic tool to explain to viewers that the cause of strife is virtually useless and the fights honestly unnecessary. that’s not to say that equality isn’t something that should be fought for, but--shouldn’t it already be a given? why should we eve have to fight for it--why isn’t it already there for everyone to simply enjoy?

(another thing i find interesting is that the colors of the cupcake’s frosting represents the colors the children are wearing, even with beau--so whatever the sweets represent are directly linked back to the children) 

so what can the sweets represent?  they represent when he worked in a bakery, Esse. Duh.  Yes, you’re probably right, but i feel like it goes a bit deeper than that. 

so, harry worked in a bakery when he was younger (a child), before ever auditioning on the xfactor and becoming a part of one direction. fine. 

he also belonged to a very different class of people at that time.

harry grew up in a middle-class family, just like the majority of the population, and his ego hasn’t really seemed to have inflated such that he’s forgotten how to be humble. when you’re a celebrity, ‘normal people problems’ aren’t something you have to worry about--louis wrote an entire song about that: being discriminated against, being judged for being yourself, being treated unfairly, for the most part, celebrities don’t have to worry about those things*. they have other things they need to worry about. being a minority, whether it’s due to race, sexuality, gender, class (well, maybe not so much class as a celebrity)--they don’t take away from the support a celebrity has. Beyonce is one of the most loved singers of our time. David Bowie was praised for his ‘quirkiness’. My neighbor who lets her son wear dresses, especially in an arab country? She is not loved by her peers nor praised. that’s just the way things work. 

The point of that off-topic train of thoughts was that if the cupcakes and pastries are reminiscent of harry’s time working in a bakery, then they link us back to two things and support my arguments that one, the children represent us and our generation and two, that the children also represent us in our financial and social struggle (particularly in the middle and lower classes) as we are pinned against one another for basic equality. 

The pastries are not only color-coded to represent each child, but the ones in the center cornucopia look so professionally made no child could have baked them. what does that mean? that means that the adults had to help. the adults--whoever they are--that baked the goods that these children are going to use to attack one another with let the children take them. there’s no way an entire bakery can be robber dry without a single adult knowing. the kids couldn't have baked them themselves because it would have been ‘too dangerous’, and even if they had they wouldn’t have turned out so aesthetically pleasing. The ammunition was supplied by the adults--the one’s in charge--for the children to use on one another, without any supervision whatsoever. 

so, theyre all at war with one another but they arent given the means to really throw anything harmful because they have no power with their superiors--in this case, the adults, in society the older generation who is now still in charge of most of what occurs in politics--so that what we have instead is the children throwing food at one another as though they are actually at war. 

Despite this mood, the baked goods dont do any real harm or damage and reflects how, effectively, no change is really being made with everyone quarreling amongst themselves: we need to learn to direct our frustration at those who have placed us in these situations in the first place. 

Another thing I find interesting: the kids don’t start throwing sweets until beau gestures like she is about to. i don't know what to make of that--maybe she's the role model since she has an established connection with the adults (the reflection of her appearance in harry’s?)

speaking of harry, the only thing that Harry the Adult really truly does when he walks in is cause more chaos by bringing in these puppies and shouting at no one in specific. he’s unable to settle them down; instead, he ends up having to find cover against the overall assault of pastries without even creating order whatsoever, and he even hands a girl a cupcake to use as ammo. Like, ‘here, take this and use it against your equals since i told you to stop but that didn’t work, might as well help you attack each other’.

alrighty then, Harry the Adult. The only adult figure actually shown in the whole mv and you’re virtually useless in helping with the problem. 

i think thats for one of two reasons i can think of:

1. hes critiquing the system and how the higher-ups encourage the mayhem in lower classes to keep them pliant and controllable, even though they ‘appear’ to be ‘for the people’ (think george orwell)

or

2. something about childhood mirth and it all being a game but idk i havent really thought too deeply into that bc it doesnt make much sense (you can see which line of analysis clearly appealed to me more)

ALSO. if all of that wasn’t enough for you to believe me just look at the little shit’s smirk at the end of this video. 

he’s screaming ‘ha ha you little fucks played right into my trap and I got exactly what I wanted’. i swear it. 

 then if we go BACK to the lyrics, we see that we are talking about this girl and she

a. seems extremely desperate to be with the main character of the song and

b. obviously doesnt live TOO luxuriously (cheap pack of cigarettes and just her overall lifestyle reflects the whole idea of ‘wasted youth’) which reflects back to her potentially being another cog in the useless, damaging machine that society has become.

ALSO CHILD HARRY IS A GIRL CAUGHT IN THE MIX BC OUR HOME BOY IS GAY AND HES CAUGHT UP IN THE USELESS FIGHTING JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IS AAAAAAAH

*i said FOR THE MOST PART. i know that there are still MANY situations in which celebrities have to face discrimination and unfair treatment, but for the most part, they have a platform through which their can communicate their opinions. regular people do not. 

[webgottmilk]

~ Heard It Through the Grapevine ~

This fic is a gift for the lovely and patient @ciarlapanics; the fic rec is coming, I promise! In the meantime, enjoy some Bradray feels, since I’m a sucker, and you can never have too many in our little fandom. Enjoy <3

Summary: This is not quite how Ray imagined he’d become Internet famous.

Rating: E

Word Count: 5,237

This is not the way that Ray wanted to become Internet famous - in his mind, rock stardom comes from carefully crafted albums and hours spent in recording booths. Of course his fame is the wretched lovechild of his overactive imagination and (admittedly) poor planning skills.

And yes, perhaps literally jumping into Brad Colbert’s arms upon his arrival back to the States wasn’t the sanest of ideas, but even that he can let his best friend chalk up to his rather poor upbringing. (“If you had any less brain cells Ray, you’d be a drooling vegetable. In fact, the drooling part isn’t far off”). To be fair however, flying directly to Nevada,Missouri after finishing up serving with the Royal Marine Commandos - fucking English frogs in his mind - is no small feat to Ray, and deserves at least a small gesture of gay love on his part.

Ok, yes, Ray may have regretted the action as soon as he tackled Brad since holy shit the fucking Viking can hold on to a lot of weight and god damn those arms. But properly non heterosexual thoughts aside, it’s not really an intelligent idea to display affection in public for any Marine, lest civilians catch on to the idea that they’re actually human beings too! At least, Ray chooses to believe that that’s Brad’s reasoning for his usually reserved nature upon being body slammed at the Joplin Municipal Airport.

Surprisingly, Brad plays along with the reunion, twirling Ray around like some sparkly gay ass princess from Disney’s latest money making gambit, and laughs quietly into his ear.

“I knew you loved me, Iceman!”, Ray crows back - give him an inch and he’ll take a mile…

Brad is obviously thinking along those lines, dropping him faster than Encino Man called danger close strikes on his own men back in Iraq.

“I would question your actions, Ray”, he says, stepping back and lazily drawling, “but I know that there’s barely room for a thought that’s not involving incest or NASCAR in that fucked up head of yours.”

Ray tilts his head upwards to peer at Brad - who is still standing close enough that he can smell the sweat and dirt on his fatigues - and winks lecherously.

“I just couldn’t wait to get my hands back on those Viking arms of yours, homes. They’re irresistible”, Ray draws the last word out in an overexaggerated attempt to mimic Walt’s slow country accent. He blows the bemused Brad a kiss before striking off towards the baggage claim. Brad follows closely, always watching his six, as he crosses the terminal and heads towards carousel four.

“Eat any English sausages?”, Ray asks innocently as they idle side by side, waiting for Brad’s single camo coloured duffle to appear on the conveyor belt.

Brad only snorts, shoving Ray hard enough that he has to struggle the slightest amount to regain his balance, and dignity.

“Civilian life has made you soft, Ray. You’re a goddamn disgrace to every Marine in Nevada”, Brad shoots back, clearly not missing the shorter man’s attempt at recovery. “Don’t worry, you can join me on my six mile run tomorrow, early bird catches the worm, or the sausage, I suppose.” Brad laughs openly at his distress, then nudges Ray again suggestively.

“Homes, if I needed birds to help me find sausage, I would have checked myself into a hospice long before your giant white ass landed back on US soil.” He is obviously teasing, so Brad obliges with a soft huff, then quickly steps forward to grab his bag off the belt.

“Let’s go home, Ray. You clearly need a nap and a bottle before your infantile brain is able to comprehend even the simplest of metaphorical phrases”. With that, Brad marches in the direction of the Parking Area signs, Ray trailing behind him.

The ride home, in Ray’s ancient pickup truck (“Ray, this piece of junk is going to fall apart right out from under us, before I’ve had a chance to consume one of your shitty Coors Lights”.) (“Oh Bradley, you know I bought gay microbrew just for you - no Coors Light for your delicate sensibility”.) is non eventful, even with the occasional jibe about Ray’s Elvis sunglasses - “we pimpin, homes,” he recites with a wry smile, as they coast along the highway, still going a good ten miles over the speed limit.

The night is spent drinking too many shitty beers, and consuming too much shitty media. (“Ray, no matter what you say, Inception is a B+ movie with poor editing and no plot”) and (“Bradley Colbert, your mother raised you better than to insult the good name of Christopher Nolan, shame on you!). Brad passes out on the couch around two am, clearly succumbing to the exhaustion of a day spent airplane hopping. Ray covers him with a blanket, heroically ignoring the strip of pale skin that his ridden up fatigues expose. He gulps, making a mental note to stay far, FAR away from the thought.

Ray sleeps fitfully, mostly because, “goddammit Brad, pineapple on pizza is not only the gayest thing you have ever suggested to me, but also the most disgusting, which coming from me, should shame you.” Pineapple and Coors Light do not a friendly bedfellow make, so he spends his hours gravitating between the kitchen, where he can just make out the fine blonde hairs of Brad’s head, and his cold, messy bed. Ray knows how pathetic it is to stare longingly over the counter at your best friend, so he actively avoids the kitchen and living room after a couple of passes.  

Around six, he checks his Twitter, since if it’s good enough for Donald Trump, it’s good enough for him. (At least that’s how he defended his usage when Brad raised a judgmental eyebrow at him between scenes of The Usual Suspects.) He smothers his laughter when he sees the number one trending tag, because “planking” is literally the dumbest fad since swallowing goldfish. He passes the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Repeal” tag with much less amusement, but makes a mental note to read up on it at a slightly later date. However, it’s trending tag number three that stops him half way through a drink of water; the sheer absurdity of the tag “Marinesinlove” is so substantial that he isn’t sure whether to laugh, or hide his face in his grubby pillow. Marines, displaying emotions? That’s the most retarded fucking thing he’s seen in the last twelve hours, and Brad Colbert’s lustful gaze at a pineapple covered pizza was one of them.

In the end, curiosity kills the cat (fuck you Brad, he can understand simple metaphors, or whatever), so Ray bites the bullet and clicks the tag. And nearly drenches his lap in ice cold fridge water. The first image to appear is a gif of Brad twirling him, HIM, around in a circle, with the tag, “Marine boyfriends in love”, and the addition of three heart eye emojis. The post has over six hundred retweets, with comments such as the disgusting “awwww”, and “this is what true love looks like”, though with a suspicious lack of grammar so common to Twitter.

Numb, Ray continues scrolling - it doesn’t just stop at the gif. There are multiple picture sets of Brad staring into Ray’s eyes - hold on, he swears that they weren’t standing THAT close at the airport - and gif upon gif of him rolling his eyes at Ray’s ridiculous antics. But what Ray can’t help but continuously notice is the overwhelming amount of grammatically incorrect tweets praising the “anonymous” Marines for their candid display of affection. They extol their bravery in openly revealing a “passionate and sweet love” (if Ray rolls his eyes anymore, he’s sure he’s going to contract brain damage, which according to Brad, he can’t really afford to contract).

Seriously, it’s just two guys really excited to see each other, after months and oceans apart - at least that’s what Ray tells himself over and over. Shit. Motherfucking son of a bitch, what is he going to say to Brad? “Hey Brad, I know you just got home from dealing with horrible beer and worse accents for months, but the entire Internet thinks that we’re in love, so I don’t think it’s a good idea if you go outside just yet.”

Oh god, he’s dead. He is so, so, unbelievably dead.

Since the gods are cruel, and just when Ray’s life has taken a u-turn towards ‘your best friend / one who you harbor secret feelings of not so friendship for is about to kill you’, the very object of his thoughts appears in the doorway, strangely lacking any coverage in the torso area. Fuck Ray’s life.

“You’re up!” Brad says, fake joviality clearly meant to annoy Ray, “which means that you can join me for my hard core Marine six mile run, unless of course, your pussy civilian lifestyle has coddled you into comfort and diabetes already.”

Ray blinks at him, still trying to look past the obvious tan lines that mar Brad’s pale skin, and perhaps stop eyeing the toned planes of his stomach quite so obviously.

“Ray…?” Brad’s voice cuts through his thoughts, sending his nerves tumbling around his stomach. “Is your whiskey tango head so fucked up that you can’t even form a coherent thought before seven am? This is a truly desolate day, my friend, truly sad.” Brad is clearly trying to cheer him up through the usual jabs at his upbringing and civilian status, but it’s not really doing anything to ease his thoughts. Mostly because Brad is standing there SHIRTLESS, which is a goddamn distraction in itself.

Finally, he regains his voice: “Seriously homes? It’s day one, and you can’t even let your Ray-Ray have a little bit of a lie in? Come give me a morning kiss and we’ll go from there”. He musters up all the bravado he can, and throws his arms out, head tilted upwards,  lips pursing in supposed anticipation.

Instead of replying, Brad huffs and shoves Ray back onto the bed, sprawling himself across the other half, with his hand absently lying on Ray’s chest.

“Ray, if I knew you pussied out so easily, I would have woken you up at four, just to have the satisfaction of seeing you struggle to tie your shoes at ass o’clock in the morning. As it is, this bed is marginally more comfortable than the abominable piece of furniture you call a couch, so I am going back to sleep. But when I wake up, you best be ready to run, or I will throw you out the door naked and laugh as you struggle to walk up a hill without developing blisters on your delicate civi feet.” Brad says all of this whilst staring at Ray’s collar bone, the only thing in his line of sight. Ray is still actively staring at the ceiling, forcing himself not to imagine waking up to a half naked Brad Colbert in his bed everyday. With this speech over, Brad steals the pillow out from underneath Ray’s head, effectively trapping him, with one arm wrapped up in the two now resting under his pillow. He closes his eyes, and is almost immediately asleep.

Fuck his life. Really, fuck his life.

                                                <GK>

When Ray manages to extract himself from the BradRay pile that had been forced on him, his first thought is COFFEE. Everything in the world, his mother taught him, can be solved by a cup of black coffee. She always joked that the blacker the soul, the blacker the coffee, though Ray was never sure how much of it was jest, considering there was never any cream or sugar in sight the few times his absent father appeared.

Shaking his head, Ray bullies his French press (“When did you get married, Ray? The only place you can find those metal fuckers are at fucking Crate + Barrel during wedding season.”) (“Of course I’ll marry you, Brad! How could I refuse, with a proposal like that?”) into spouting the foulest, blackest coffee it can muster.

Game plan, he needs a game plan. Ideally, one which ends with Brad and him managing to have an adult conversation about their feelings and all that bullshit. He snorts coffee all over the counter, and down the front of his shirt at the thought. The very idea is both colossally retarded and completely unrealistic. While this thought marinates in his head, Ray hunts for another shirt. Blindly, he reaches for one hanging off of the end of the couch, and, throwing the coffee defiled one on the carpeted floor, pulls the other over his head. Feeling refreshed, Ray walks back across the living room into the kitchen, where he pours himself a third cup of caffeinated murder water.

Ok, so then, how? Perhaps it’s just better to show Brad - he is a visual kind of motherfucker. And, demonstrating that the entirety of Twitter believes he and Ray to be in some kind of idealistic gay love seems like the best way to pound the idea into his neanderthal thick skull. Maybe it’ll even dissuade Brad from clobbering Ray long enough for him to make for higher ground. Apologizing has never been one of Ray’s tactics - he is unapologetic in all that he says and does, a perfect Marine trait - so he doesn’t believe that it will get him anywhere. Resigned, he pours himself another cup of fortification, and hunkers down on a stool to wait out the impending storm.

Blessedly, he doesn’t have to suffer with his own damning thoughts for too long; a shirtless and sleepy Viking clambers from his bedroom about ten minutes later. By now, Ray is starting to feel the effects of his fifth cup of coffee - it’s not unlike the familiar buzz of Ripped Fuel.

“How do you feel about free trade coffee, Brad? In the opinion of this ex-Marine, I think it’s complete bullshit. Like seriously, Starbucks? All of your beans are “ethically sourced”, he makes finger quotes here, “yet your customers throw away more than four million cups every year? And your, ‘one tree for every bag of coffee sales pitch’? Utter shit - if you could even plant trees at that rate, we’d call you fucking Captain Planet and put you in a Marvel comic book.” Ray’s knee won’t stop bouncing off the underneath of the counter and he really needs to get a grip RIGHT NOW.

“Good morning to you too, Ray, and Jesus, I thought you’d detoxed from the Ripped Fuel. The fact that you know specific figures on the waste that Starbucks produces just proves that you’re more of a frappuccino bloated prepubescent teenage girl than I feared. Nevertheless , a six mile run will quickly cure you of this pussiness. Look sharp.” Brad says this lot as he crosses the kitchen, pours himself a cup of steaming coffee, and leans across the counter to examine Ray for signs of Ripped Fuel ingestion. Ray stares back, noticing an almost imperceptible tightnesses that briefly overrules Brad’s expression. He has no idea what that’s about.

“Brad”, Ray begins, and winses, picking at the peeling paint on the side of the counter. He hates that he has to have this conversation, and even more, he hates how terrified he is to have this conversation. If it goes badly, he might very well lose Brad. “I really don’t think that the run is going to happen.” He quickly slips on an impish smile to cover his discomfort, and then adds, “you haven’t even tried my famous caffeinated bean water yet! It’s the best on the block! I swear to god, if you can’t take one day off, I’m FedExing you to Doc Brian for a psych eval, and don’t think I won’t make sure you fail it, even to give you one day of true R&R.”

Brad, who had been contemplatively sipping his coffee and staring into the living room, looks at Ray with an exasperated glance.

“Knew you’d pussy out; fine, I agree to forgo the run, IF, and only if I am allowed to force feed you more pineapple pizza before our run tomorrow morning.” His glance becomes an evil smirk, fully knowing that whether or not allowance is given, he’ll do it anyways.

And goddamnit if Ray wouldn’t willingly allow him to - he is so fucked. Instead of replying, he rolls his eyes and crosses to the living room, where he flops down on the couch. Brad joins him a minute later, coffee cup in one hand, and a plate of toast in another. He  silently offers Ray a slice, who happily crunches on it, spraying crumbs and spite everywhere.

“Ray, sometimes I wonder how you managed to survive Iraq without being slaughtered by Q-Tip and eaten as bacon. The way you eat, I’m honestly surprised no one mistook you for livestock.” Brad doesn’t even glance at Ray’s overly obnoxious chewing, instead choosing to flip the TV on, where CNN blares obnoxiously.

“Thank you, Jeff. And in other news, the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Repeal of 2010 has finally been fully implemented. President Obama will host a press conference to celebrate this historical event later this evening. It just so happens that we have a heartwarming clip taken at the Joplin Regional Airport yesterday  which I think really demonstrates just what this repeal means for many LBTQ+ servicemen.”

Ray’s stomach drops, but there’s not time to run before the clip is rolled.

The footage is clearly taken on an iPhone, and is slightly blurry, but not enough to obscure the obvious faces in front of him. In the clip, the short, dark haired man drops his backpack on the terminal floor and runs full tilt towards a tall, Viking looking man, jumping practically into his arms, and wrapping his legs around the taller man’s waist. The blonde man laughs quietly and smiles fondly down at the smaller man, but spins him in a circle anyways, Marine fatigues clear, even in the video.

Beside him, Brad goes absolutely still.

The news anchor is talking again, something about the heartwarming affection that can be seen, the obvious love between the two men. “I mean, just look at the way they look at each other,” interrupts a second news anchor, “it’s clear that they share a special bond.” The rest is drowned out by a rushing sound in Ray’s ears, who glances over to gauge Brad’s reaction, only to find him already looking at Ray.

“Brad, I…”, It’s not often that Ray Person is at a loss for words; not a comforting thought in this moment. Instead, Ray shakes his head, and bolts, leaving before he can fuck this up anymore.

“Ray! Ray! Goddamnit, you sister fucking idiot! Stop, Jesus fucking Christ!”, he can hear Brad yelling behind him, but does his best to ignore him; he certainly has practice at it.

Next time he glances at his surroundings, he’s driving ninety down the highway in his truck.

Eventually, he stops to check Google Maps, and realizes that he’s left his phone on the counter, probably in a puddle of black coffee. Miserably, he recalls that it’s probably the last time he’ll listen to Brad’s voice for a long time. He can’t even call him in a drunken haze to hear him rant, that is, if he picks up. The Iceman isn’t really one for words.

Ray finds himself at Walton Lake, where he used to swim as a kid - even when he’s not conscious, he ends up near landmarks that remind him of Brad. He laughs bitterly.

Since it’s only ten in the morning, he hunts around for a beer in the cab of his truck, and slouches down to the lake, laying underneath a tree. He figures that sleeping is his only hope of passing enough time to forget how colossally he has fucked up his life. He skips rocks for a while, and ends up watching the local kids push each other into the water. It only makes him feel worse. He suddenly recalls all the times Brad had given him that wry smile in the Humvee rolling through desolate wasteland after desolate wasteland. He was always checking in on him, “easy on the Ripped Fuel, Ray”, or an (almost) gently phrased “stay frosty, gents.” Ray drops his head between his legs; god, he is so fucked. He knows that he loves Brad, and that’s what terrifies him. It’s so much easier to throw insults back and forth, antagonize him with Avril Lavigne and Ripped Fuel Rants - he knows how Brad will react to those quirks. This… this is uncharted territory.

Finally, Ray decides that wallowing in self pity won’t accomplish anything further - going home to a Brad free house is going to hurt either way, might as well get it over with.

                                                     <GK>

He opens the door cautiously, not ready to be confronted with an empty house. He sucks in a breathe when his eyes are immediately drawn to the straight back figure sitting at the kitchen counter. Brad’s eyes meet his, and Ray is suddenly reminded that his demeanor isn’t the only reason they call him the Iceman. Quietly, he closes the door, and makes for his bedroom, hoping for as clean a confrontation as possible, but Brad is off his stool and pinning (?) him against the wall of his bedroom hall.

“No, Ray. We are going to talk about this. Like the semi-adults that the Corpse raised us to be. Do you think your disease ridden brain can handle a simple five minute conversation?” Brad says it calmly, ice laced in his voice, but the grip that he has around Ray’s wrists communicates something entirely different. He nods in response. Still, Brad makes not attempt to move them, only pinning Ray further into the wall.

“Did you know about the media coverage this morning? Is that why you refused to go on a run like a pussy bitch?” Clearly, the interrogation has begun.

Ray avoids Brad’s eyes as best he can: “What do you think, Bradley? That I was just going to drop that kind of bomb on you first thing in the morning? Oh, by the way, the Internet thinks that we’re in love, and it’s trending on Twitter and all the other god forsaken social medias that tween girls consume these days. I know you think you’re some sort of demolitions expert, but not even you’re qualified to diffuse that kind of ammunition, Brad. So fuck you, yes, I knew. And no, I didn’t say anything.”

Brad forces Ray’s chin up with one hand, while the other pins both of his wrists above his head. “Why?”, he asks simply, his eyes like chips of hard sapphire.

“Fuck you, Brad. You wanna know why? You dying to know that fucking badly? Because I knew that you finding out would ruin this,” - he jerks his chin to indicate the two of them. “But, if the Internet found out, then I guess it’s pretty fucking obvious”. Ray laughs again, a caustic sound.

“What’s obvious?”, Brad’s voice is almost a growl now, clearly beyond pissed off with Ray. “Ray?”

“That I’m fucking in love with you, that’s what.” Ray practically spits it in his face; he’s so tired of holding it in. Fuck it, if Brad wants him to ruin this with the truth, then so be it.

Brad steps back so suddenly that Ray is slammed against the wall, his head cracking painfully. He closes his eyes against the sensation, waiting for Brad to walk away, to walk out - it’s the only ending to this unfortunate series of events.

“You’re what?” The softness of Brad’s tone is the most startling aspect of the phrase to Ray - why hasn’t he walked away yet? “You’re what?”, Brad repeats, blinking almost owlishly as Ray finally looks at him.

“I’m in love with you”, Ray says flatly. What does Brad want out of this? To rub in the satisfaction that he’s managed to force his biggest secret out of him?

“Say it again”, Brad steps closer, effectively repinning Ray, who is frankly getting tired of his internal organs being punished over five treacherous words.

“I’m in love with you?” The end comes up in a question like inflection, seriously Brad, what is going on…?

Brad laughs out loud, probably the strangest turn of events in an already bizarre day; Ray is too exhausted to fight any longer, so he just rests his head against the wall.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to tell me”, Ray’s head snaps back up. “Seriously?”

It’s Brad’s turn to nod. “You jumped out of our Humvee screaming at Batista to back the fuck up, since apparently your mother gave you barely enough braincells to eat fucking toast, toast, Ray. That’s when I knew.” The confession is quiet, splitting the air, since Brad is only inches now from Ray’s face.

“You love me?”, the questions is hedged in hesitation, but goddamnit if Ray doesn’t want to hear it back.

The Iceman nods, but it’s all the confirmation that Ray needs. It would be easy, so easy, to bridge the gap. All Ray would have to do is lean in. Fuck it. So he does.

Brad reacts immediately, pinning both of Ray’s wrists against the wall with one massive hand, and cupping his face with the other. The kiss isn’t by any means gentle, nor is it coordinated. It’s wet, and messy, and (cliched as it might be) everything Ray imagined it would be. Ray stretches upwards to tug Brad’s lower lip into his mouth, and Brad lets out an imperceptible moan. He shoves at Ray’s t-shirt until he musters up enough coordination to lift it over his head.

“I couldn’t concentrate this morning, with you in my t-shirt”, Brad mutters against his neck. “I couldn’t stop thinking about how many ways I could think of getting it off you”. Ray groans and tilts his neck, giving Brad better access with which to suck marks along the column of his throat. When Brad scrapes his teeth along his Adam’s apple, he practically whimpers - self-respect has just hit an all time low.

Ray’s hands, which have found their way to Brad’s waist dip lower, and squeeze. He growls against Ray’s throat, and sets them on his shoulders. Ray uses the leverage to wrap his legs around Brad’s waist, laughing internally at the familiar position. “Bedroom?”, he mutters to Brad. The jerk of breathe that he takes from the query seems to be answer enough, as he bodily carries Ray to his bed, dumping him on it in the process. Brad shucks off his sweatpants and crawls up the bed, intent on getting Ray out of his jeans as quickly and (ideally) with as little finesse as possible, or so it seems to him.

As Brad curses up a small storm, fighting with the buttons like they’re grenades, Ray deftly unbuttons them, squirming indelicately out of them, and making Brad snort with laughter. Ray grins back at him, “if the early bird gets the worm, does that mean I get the sausage?”. The fond and bemused smile that Brad gives him is worth the blow to his pride that the joke costs him. Without warning, Ray flips them, positioning himself firmly between Brad’s thighs, and begins sucking at his clavicle.

He trails kisses trails down to one nipple, and scrapes his teeth across it, eliciting a moan from Brad. “Didn’t know you were a nipple man, Brad”, Ray jibes softly, choosing to divert his attention to the other aforementioned object.

“Shut up, Ray”, Brad’s words come out stilted, through clenched teeth, as he attempts to keep himself from making too much noise.

Ray merely hums, and continues his oratory exploration.

He finds that tonguing over Brad’s abs make them jump in succession, and that his belly button is surrounded by a delicate trail of white blonde hair that disappears into his navy boxers. (“Navy, Brad? What kind of Marine are you? You don’t want your nuts to be disguised in camo? It’s so sad, that I show more priority to them than you do!”)

Ray bites at Brad’s left hipbone, watching for the way his entire body jumps with pleasure at the pain. Before he can continue though, Brad has flipped them again, and beginning biting his way down Ray’s chest.

“Dude, whoa, Jesus, it’s going to look like I was attack by a wolf. Fuck Brad, fuck, fuck”, Ray can’t seem to make his mouth stop, watching Brad suck marks onto his abdomen and hip bones. He noses his way further down, pulling Ray’s boxers down with his teeth. Ray wants to make a snarky comment about the coordination that that must take, but is currently lacking the brain cells to even think, let alone speak.

It now appears Brad has pulled his boxers down far enough to bite at his inner thighs, making Ray’s cock jump, and littering his legs with messy bites. “Jesus Brad, are you some kind of fucking vampire? Fuck.” He starts to move lower, but Ray grabs his wrist before he can move. “Whoa there, Lone Ranger, we don’t have to do it all in one night, we can take it slow. Seriously. C’mere, Bradley. Come cuddle your Ray-Ray.”

“Ray, I swear you were dropped on the head as a child. No, I guarantee that if I asked your mother, she would tell me she purposely dropped you, thinking it might improve that face.” Brad seems slightly disgruntled at being interrupted from his task, but complies nonetheless. Effectively, he wraps his body around Ray’s in a pseudo cuddle position, crushing him. “Happy?”

Ray squirms and shoves until he’s pushed Brad onto his back, and is sprawled on Brad’s chest, chin propped up so he can look at him.

“We have all the time in the world, Brad. Seriously, we could not move for the next six days, and the world wouldn’t notice. Plus, who else is going to force feed me pineapple pizza?”

“Ray, if you eat anymore pizza, you’re going to gain ten pounds, develop diabetes, and then be rushed to the hospital for a coronary heart transplant. Now go to sleep, or I’ll knock you out myself.”

“You’d still hold my hand during the ambulance ride, though.” Ray Person, finally getting the guy, and the last word.

And, when the alarm clock blares at six the next morning, and Brad forces Ray to run five miles to make up for the loss of yesterday, they’ll both laugh and shove each other, and it will feel like nothing has changed. The after workout shower might now involve two bodies instead of one, but who would notice, except for them?

And, when an official invite to attend the Obama’s annual Easter Egg Hunt arrives in April, Ray will just laugh and claim that they’re Jewish and cannot attend (“bullshit Ray, we’re both atheists, stop using my parents as an excuse”), and Brad will call them exactly what they are, the poster children of DADT, big fucking stereotypes, and to many, big fucking heroes. And no, Ray is still not a rock star, but he is Internet famous, thanks to his hyper active brain, and a ten foot tall Jewish Viking. But you just heard it through the grapevine, didn’t you…?

[onewordshy]

Just my two cents but I’m pretty sure that the bias against pop music being “basic” and “stupid” has some roots in misogyny and homophobia... Like, it’s no secret that pop music is very popular among young women and gay men and so people want to distance themselves from that kind of stuff so they talk it down and act like it’s not “real music,” but then in the same breath they cream themselves over music by people like The Rolling Stones and Michael Jackson, who very much wrote pop music. They try to divorce acts like The Beatles from pop music because they were somehow “more than that” because they don’t want their idols to be associated with the industry that is very much a product of their sounds and styles. 

And yet we’re asked to respect the legacy of these men while at the same time there’s so much blatant disrespect for women. Like, Madonna had such a huge impact on music history, she was one of the pioneers of the modern idea of a pop star, but these days she gets no respect for it because she’s a woman who got older. Janet Jackson was one of the biggest artists of her day, Rhythm Nation 1814 was groundbreaking and still holds the record for most top 10 hits from a single album, but her career was literally destroyed by the Super Bowl incident even though it wasn’t her fault and Justin Timberlake got out of it unscathed. And look at what’s happened to Mariah Carey, a generation of singers grew up learning from listening to her, she introduced melisma and whistle notes to the mainstream, but there are people nowadays who insist that she can’t sing because she got older and slipped up a bit.

And that’s just with the classics, it’s even worse with newer stuff that’s being produced today because it’s easy for people to point to stuff on the radio and be like “music today sucks” just because it’s a young woman singing about her feelings rather than an adult man singing about... his feelings.

Ryan Adams released an album covering the songs from 1989 by Taylor Swift and was praised by critics for “adding depth” to the songs even though they were the exact same songs, just not sung by a young woman. The hard partying drugs and alcohol lifestyle of rock ‘n roll stars is glorified even when it leads to them dying, but when Kesha sang a song about it everyone slut shamed her and decried her as a sign of the end times. 

The lack of respect for the pop girls today is disgusting. People are always talking about how everything is fake nowadays and music is generic and nobody can sing and it’s all autotune and nobody can write anymore and I’m just like... did you watch a video of Britney Spears lip synching and assume that that was all that there was to pop music nowadays? Because there’s so much more than that. The girls of the pop world today really don’t get enough credit. 

Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Kesha, Meghan Trainor, Lana del Rey, Lorde... they all have the lead writing credit on every song on every single one of their albums, yet it’s popular to shit on them because they’re young women who write catchy songs that cater to an audience that aren’t the ones writing the reviews. They’re all young artists still continuing to grow and develop on their journeys, taking the time to prove themselves to the world. So it irks me when people call artists like them untalented because that’s just kind of... not true? They’ve written massively successful songs and albums and have already left their marks on music history and they’re still going, it’s totally unfair how people prop up established legends against them to somehow prove that they’re bad.

And even if you don’t like those artists, there’s plenty of other people making pop music that you just don’t hear about, and with the availability of streaming today there’s nothing stopping you from finding it. I’ll be the first to admit that you can’t really trust the radio (payola and sheer inertia of titanic songs mean that songs do really get overplayed) but that’s not a reflection on the music itself, more on the tastes of the industry. If you want to sit in your room and listen to the oldies over and over again, that’s fine, but if you didn’t at least try to explore the pop world slightly beyond the immediate mainstream then you’re in no position to shit talk it as a genre.

The thing about the music of the past is that we have the benefit of distance. We only remember the hits, there were plenty of trashy, disposable songs back in the day. And the sound was a different one, but as new techniques were developed people experimented and things got different and it’s all been an ongoing road that’s continuing even today. People complain that music today all sounds the same but if you listen to the hit songs of five or ten years ago they sound completely different... yes there’s a tendency to trend hop but that’s because people keep getting excited by all these new sounds. Yes a lot of people like to use tricks over and over but there are also many artists experimenting and putting out fresh, interesting music.

But nope, an entire genre gets written off because masculinity is too fragile to admit that Cher wrote bops.

[coppicefics]

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR ‘MASKED OMENS’, PLEASE DON’T REBLOG!

[Image Description: Image 1 - A simple rendition of the Masked Singer UK logo, a golden mask with colourful fragments flying off of it. The mask has a golden halo and a golden devil tail protruding from either side. Below, gold text reads ‘Masked Omens’. Overlaid on top of all this are the words ‘MAJOR SPOILERS’ in large white capitals.

Image 2 & 3 - A double-page spread from the ‘Feature’ section of the Capital Herald, dated Saturday, 15th May 2021. The information is arranged in boxes with pale peach coloured backgrounds. Each box also contains a picture of the character or characters described therein - two of these characters are symbolised by random background characters from Good Omens. Full transcript below the cut. End ID.]

The Capital Herald, Saturday 15th May, 2021 Feature, page 8-9

Where are they now? The Celebrities behind the masks of The Masked Singer UK’s first live series, three months later They sang, danced, and were unmasked live in front of the nation. But what do their lives look like beyond the mask? We caught up with 2021′s Masked Singers to find out what’s changed MARY HODGES with additional contributions by EDWARD BIGGS & SCUZZ FISHER

Page 8

Top left: Dr. Raven Sable - APPLE Dr. Sable is awaiting the dates of an inquiry into the hospitalisations of Adam Mann and Lilith Root, former ambassadors for his CHOW brand, who allege that their conditions were the direct result of their employment with him. If the allegations are upheld, it's likely that Sable will be struck off and will no longer be permitted to practice medicine. Already, sales of his CHOW lifestyle products and books are down and stocks in his company are plummeting. Sable maintains his innocence on all counts.

Top right: Newton Pulsifer - AXOLOTL Anathema Device - BLACK CAT The unexpected it-couple of the year were spotted having a cosy picnic just last week. It seems love's young dream still has its hold on this adorable pair, who obliged passing reporters with a few posed photographs before asking for privacy for the rest of their date.The two made their relationship public at the beginning of April, and so far they show no signs of tiring of one another. Pulsifer is preparing to provide commentary on the Premier League starting in August, and Device is scheduled to set off on a UK tour in October.

Centre left: Carmine Zugiber - WAR Zugiber recently returned to Celestan, just in time to report on its division into Lestern and Fernor. While the fighting has now largely died down, Carmine intends to stay on in the country to report on the political situation as it develops. While some of her reports will be published through News World Weekly, she's also established a new website of her own where she can, as she says in the introductory post, “dig deeper into the underlying factors beneath the headlines”.

Centre right: Esther James - NINJA After leading the Red Roses to Six Nations victory in March, James began work – alongside her girlfriend, Jane Adams – on setting up a charitable foundation to encourage LGBT+ youngsters to pursue their sporting dreams. Officially set to launch in June this year, Off The Pridelines will offer scholarships, help connect youngsters with teams, and run various support services, as well as a training and accreditation scheme for teams and venues to become more supportive. “A lot of gay and trans kids have a lot of fear tied up with school PE lessons, changing rooms, and sports. Many don't know where they can safely train or play,” James states in the foundation's pre-launch press pack. “Off The Pridelines aims to fix that and help them become more confident and active without having to hide who they are.”

Bottom left: Sergeant Shadwell - BELL As well as forming an unlikely duo with Marjorie Potts – the two have been spotted together in tea shops, at antiques fairs, and even admiring the properties in the window of an estate agent's – Shadwell has been making frequent trips to the town of Little Dyvyn, where work on the restoration of Godleigh Manor has recently been allowed to begin. “Lucy [Godleigh, the owner] is really keen to keep the Wytchfynder Army informed and involved in the process, and I think it's really interesting to get to see inside the walls of the place,” Shadwell told viewers in a recent YouTube video, “so I reckon I'll pop in every so often, have a look around and report anything interesting I find out. For example, that rattling noise from the first video? Turns out there are wooden window shutters inside a hollow wall, and a draft was blowing through them. Something to keep in mind in future 'haunting' cases.”

Bottom Right:

Agnes Nutter - BONFIRE “Some stories wait for no-one,” as Nutter tweeted a couple of weeks ago, and that certainly seems to have been true of her latest book. Just a month after she first mentioned that she'd begun writing a new novel, Nutter has already reported that the first draft is almost finished, and she appears to be planning for a September release date. “I'm going to dedicate this one to my new friend Marjorie,” she told Twitter, “she's been a font of fascinating anecdotes and very generous in allowing me to draw inspiration from them.”

Page 9

Top left: Pat Maputi - SQUID P-White's Chalkdust tour is in full swing, with packed crowds selling out arenas across the UK and Europe. Tickets are currently on sale for the American stretch of the tour, which should keep Pat busy until next spring. After that, Maputi plans to “sleep for about a month and then start writing a new album”, they told the Capital Herald – although they will be making time to attend the Blue Peter garden party. For now, though, it's life on the road for Maputi as they wrap up this leg of the tour.

Top centre: Aziraphale Fell - GOOSE Anthony Crowley - SNAKE The Amazing Mr. Fell's magic show has been sold out for three solid months, ever since his appearance on The Masked Singer, and even adding extra shows on Wednesday and Saturday afternoons doesn't seem to have entirely sated the public's demand. Fell himself seems to be spending most of his time off in the company of Anthony Crowley, predominantly in various London restaurant establishments. Most recently, the two were spotted enjoying a late lunch at the Ritz to celebrate the announcement that Crowley has been cast as Rafferty in the new TV adaptation of Sir Thomas Parsett's The Grasswater Affair. “Yeah, thrilled to get another go at Grasswater,” Crowley told the Capital Herald, “and with the support of Noel [Garmin, showrunner] and all the people who've helped me reach the point where this is possible.” Asked about the nature of his friendship with Fell, Crowley seemed lost for words, but Fell stepped in with a brief statement. “I'm afraid it's quite ineffable. And, if you don't mind, I believe those are our desserts.” So it seems The Masked Singer's contestants still have some mysteries for us!

Bottom left: Marjorie Potts - TEAPOT Madame Tracy has been a very busy woman – as well as returning to TV with her show Drawing Back the Veil on Saturday nights, she's also still writing for the New Aquarian and overseeing her increasingly popular Psychic Hotline. But despite all this, she's also found time to be seen at the forefront of a couple of protests, notably against proposed changes to the Freedom Pass system, alongside fellow Masked Singer contestants Agnes Nutter and Sergeant Shadwell. The latter has also been seen making frequent calls to Potts' Camden address – but she's tight-lipped on the subject. “I don't kiss and tell, dear,” she told our reporter – and perhaps you can draw your own conclusions from that.

Bottom centre: Lawrence Richmond - PONY Last week's General Election - the third in four years - saw Richmond lose the Toffley South seat he'd occupied since 2005. In a speech to his supporters immediately after the result was declared, he announced his intention to take a brief break from politics in order to spend more time with his family, and is currently holidaying with wife Victoria and son Horace in the South of France.

Right-hand column: AND THE REST... Jeremy Wensleydale While Wensleydale is currently in rehearsals for a production of Turandot at Glyndebourne this summer, he has also found time to announce that he will be spending the autumn recording an album of some of his favourite operatic and choral numbers, along with a number of famous voices. This will be Wensleydale's first full album since 2018, and is already eagerly anticipated by his many fans. Brian Thames Thames is now coming to the end of his latest tour, The British Inquisition, and has recently found time to appear on several comedy panel shows and chat shows. He's then scheduled to run an online comedy masterclass, which he'll be recording immediately after his tour ends. “I had a teacher at school who told me I had a real talent for helping people remember things. I think usually it was just because they remembered the jokes. So I could hardly pass up this opportunity - this one's for you, Miss Tyler.” Pepper Moonchild Moonchild is currently filling in as a presenter on The One Show, and recently announced that she hopes to publish a detective novel next year. “I've been getting loads of advice from my literary hero, Agnes Nutter – it's something I've always wanted to do, but my agent at the time advised against diversifying too much. My new agent has been nothing but supportive - they even put me in touch with a good literary agent, so now all I have to do is write the best book I can and see how it goes!” Adam Young and Warlock Dowling After years of rumours and speculation about their relationship, presenters Adam Young and Warlock Dowling eloped to tie the knot in New York last weekend.“We didn't tell anyone we were getting married,” Dowling said, after breaking the news on Pam and Sam AM earlier this week. “Our families were a bit surprised! But we just wanted it to be really low key, a day just for us.” “Yeah, some glares were exchanged when people realised they'd missed out on a wedding,” Young confirmed. “But we're going to plan a big party soon! Besides, we didn't do anything in the Big Apple that wasn't worth the trouble we got in for doing it.”

[End Transcript]