#even though it’s pretty simple i struggled with the bg…

[o0o0thorn0o0o]

Requested by @cookieswithay.

Boy, has it been a hot minute—hope it was worth the wait and that you like it!!

Poster-less versions under the cut if you’d prefer (I just really wanted to keep in that li’l smiley face, but it was cut off in the posters they were holding ^^;):

[drdemonprince]

Hey I’m the anon that messaged about your “fitness journey” which I now realize might have been a bit unspecific and poorly worded. I didn’t ask because of the reasons you mentioned but because of a section in one of your books where you talked about how working out helped you a lot mentally and also in your gender expression IIRC.

I struggle a lot with chronic pain and maintaining any type of muscle. Trying to regularly do physio exercises is really important but I just can’t do it. That was the bg of the q’

I appreciate the links you provided, thank you.

Thanks for clarifying and for understanding why I'd get a certain connotation from that phrase -- yes, I did talk in Laziness Does Not Exist about how I learned from weight lifting how to become a bit more comfortable with doing an activity I was "bad" at, and found that getting stronger was pretty gender affirming.

I don't think my life experience would map onto your situation in a helpful way at all unfortunately! for me, the process of getting into weight lifting was just as simple as a) finding follow-along weight lifting youtube videos online and b) doing them very consistently while c) being on a steroid that causes weight gain and muscle gain.

I have the kind of compulsive brain that sticks to whatever exercise schedule (or other rule set) I impose on myself. i never deviate from whatever i tell myself are the "rules" i have to follow in life, including during times of pain or illness, which is pretty dang unhealthy for me and certainly would be even worse for someone with a chronic pain condition so i can't say i recommend it. and being on a steroid is also like the majority of how gaining and maintaining muscle is possible for me.  i also have a ton more control over my schedule than most people do and work from home so i dont face the barriers the average person does in finding time for this stuff, so thats another reason not to use me as a basis for comparison. 

but, if youre just looking to get into lifting weights casually because you think it will help, there are a lot of good follow along channels on youtube that are free. resistance bands might be a gentler way to start though they can be a little tricky to position correctly. light dumbbells are good too and simpler to learn honestly. achv peak is a pretty great channel because it's a husband and wife duo who show multiple options for how to complete every exercise that they do, for various strength levels, and they dont talk about any triggering weight loss/diet culture stuff. some of their work outs are labeled as for beginners and everything is in a follow along format with good explanations of positioning. 

[lulullia]

Vladleen Photo | Lyphuriaa

Isn't Lulu so cute?? She probably had to beg for days to convince Vlad to make such a cheesy gesture…

God this one was especially hard, not really because of what I was drawing but because of how. It made me learn about a bazillion things not to repeat ever again.

All things considered though, it came out pretty good! I wanted to give up so many times and there were so many catastrophes I'm really surprised in how clean it looks.

I'm even more surprised that I was able to push through and bring it to the finish despite it all, it's something to celebrate ;-;

A lil' summary of what this piece taught me ⤵

I really need to study the rest of the human anatomy. The legs were difficult, the feet too. I only realize this now because I mostly draw torsos and simple poses. Also, first time I draw characters interacting – it was fun but it's really something I need to practice more!

If I plan on using the sketch as lineart, please for the love of God use an opaque brush. The amount of time I spent fixing the lineart because it was semi-transparent, I might as well have drawn 3 layers of proper lineart.

Keep an eye on the background color. Because of some transparency stuff, I didn't realize some parts of the drawing only looked right with the current bg color – so when I thought I was done and changed it, I stared in horror at the ugly artifacts all around the drawing. It was painful to fix.

Sometimes it's easier to just draw over the sketch, taking the lines I like, instead of cleaning it up. Because using the sketch layer – especially with an opacity brush – leaves around a ton of barely visible artifacts. I had to "select opaque" to see them and clear them out, and it was also painful.

Generally, going into a drawing without a plan for what style it's gonna be is a bad idea and results in a lot of problems down the line.

Better fix any problems I have with the drawing as early as possible, because I'll end up fixing it anyway, only if I'm too far in the process it'll cost me more time.

I need to stop drawing too detailed an anatomy if I know it's gonna get covered by clothes anyway… T-T

Phew, I'm still shocked that I managed to make a decent piece even after all these problems. Somehow I feel pretty good about it, I think the joy of seeing it finished made all my bad experience with it go away.

It's great, especially since I've been struggling a lot with self-doubt about my creative projects recently; this shows me that no matter how crappy something seems to be, if only I push through and finish it, all that bad energy turns into incredibly good feelings of accomplishment and pride.

Hope that's useful; now I really want to make a mini story game and see how it turns out…

[ofaugusts]

* TITUS  › 𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐲𝐧.

sleepless nights and hollow hues. impish, lopsided grins that settle upon split lips. the fall of honeyed locks over hazel hues. nicotine stained fingertips. anger worn like an accessory. a full body dunk into ice cold water. the hour right before dusk turns to dawn. the deafening silence after fireworks. the flash of lightning before the thunder.

𝐚𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬

wowowow okay first off sooo excited to be here ( totally not writing this at five in the morning just so i can have it ready to go ) ??  my name’s moosh, i’m 21+, and have no preference for pronouns. this got pretty long i’m super sorry i always try to keep it short n it never works sdfnskdjf ANYWAYS HERE’S MY BB i’m planning on plotting w every one of u but still like this post n i’ll come plot ♡

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬

name: august reyn age: 22 / senior gender: cismale ( he/him ) major: business + econ minor orientation: heterosexual / heteroromantic mbti: estp house: gryffindor ( 60% ) / slytherin ( 40% ) alignment: chaotic neutral

𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨

i haven’t uhh gotten around to a bio but i’ll also try to keep this as simple n concise as possible ??

death due to birth tw. baby boy is born as august tenold in los angeles, no dad in sight and mother passed. spent three/four days in the hospital until his grandmother finally made it across the country from new york to take him home to brooklyn where he would spend the next SEVENTEEN years.

they weren’t very well off and by that i mean that they had to sometimes worry about heat, leaks when it rained too much, warm water, so forth, but they were lucky enough to be able to afford a two bedroom. 

BUT august never attended a public school once. before her death she had been promised the best education for their son, in place of a role in his life. grandma would take the train with august everyday, an hour and a half to school, and she luckily found a job near his school because the commute alone was a journey. three hour commute, five times a week, and by the time he was in fourth grade he could find his way to school himself.

it was at school that he saw such a stark difference in lifestyle. it only got worse as he got older and whatever they bought would only become more and more expensive. it was there he learned that there was power and influence in wealth when he would get detention for defending himself in a fight he didn’t start while the others got away with things because of family names.

after elementary school is when boarding school starts, where he only sees his grandmother during summer vacations because flights back home only to stay for winter break are too expensive. where he gets special permission to leave school grounds because he needs a job to earn some spending money.

grandma falls ill in the beginning of his sophomore year, but he’s so busy with school and they rarely see each other as it is ( only during the summers ), that he only finds out when he’s a junior becoming a senior. his entire summer is spent working to help pay rent for the apartment no one was living in, and then his nights at the hospital. the staff allow him a makeshift bed after he’s spent a week sleeping there, and as reluctant as he is, his grandmother tells him to go to school to continue his last year, and he obliges. she tells him she’ll be there for his graduation, and it becomes the last time he sees her.

she passes in the middle of his senior year and it’s quickly followed by news that he has a new guardian. his father, who can’t be older than thirty five years old, is geoffrey reyn, ceo of reyn enterprises ( think of wayne enterprises in that they literally have their hands in everything ). he’s come under some heavy fire recently and is not favored by the public, but what’s a better than a long lost son sob story to cover it up ??  

violence tw. literally shows up to school the next day and the energy is different because he’s for once at the top of the pyramid. the same people who had tormented him for years step on his toes and he fights back knowing he has a bite to match his bark now. the first time he feels that smug feeling of power is when he leaves the principal’s office for the first time with just a tissue.

he’s dragged around places by his dad during that summer, asked about his new life, how much better it is than living in the shabby two bedroom apartment in brooklyn and not once asked about his grandmother or if he got to attend her funeral ( which he did not ). hurriedly having applied to ashcroft, he got in, and soon he was shipped off elsewhere.

child abuse and violence tw. relationship with his dad was always very violent, but august never took hits sitting down. august wasn’t the grateful puppet geoffrey had needed, and his dad was not a savior. there’s still a lot of constraint and control he tries to place on his son, however, even though years of failure have only confirmed he can’t be controlled. the last few years, however, had been running smoothly. business and econ were finally taken up as majors and minors, their interactions less turbulent, and this was all due to one thing: octavia.

so let’s backtrack a lillll so august first meets octavia when he's 17 where he’s working off the books the job his granny has ( cleaning up after classes at a prestigious ballet studio ) due to her back acting up. he becomes infatuated with her, her lifestyle, and they quickly grow closer. she builds some sort of greed within him to want to be good enough for someone like her, or maybe just her. he swears it, and then his granny passes. the next time he meets her is two years down the line at some gala his dad would insist he attend, and they spend the night stowed away in an empty ballroom, a bottle of champagne in hand and a secret kiss shared behind closed doors. she tells him she’s thinking of applying to ashcroft and he insists that she must, that he’d wait for her. the following year, he’s there to greet her on campus, and immediately they’re an item. 

around all this time, his relationship with his dad is supperr rocky. every time they spoke they fought and when august hung up on him too much, he’d appear on campus ( an effective way of getting august not to hang up ). he’s met with octavia and her parents and he realizes the kind of status he has to uphold in order to date someone like her. he finally declares the major his father had chosen for him and understands it’s a choice he has to make to stay with her. he becomes much too obedient with his dad, knowing that the way to stay in favor with her parents would be to finally yield to what his dad wanted. so he becomes a proper heir, majoring in the correct field, taking his studies more seriously, acting and talking the right way. he falls in line to keep her, he gets along with everyone and it’s all because she dulls his sharp edges and he can lean on her. a lot of his life begins to warp around her, and that’s when his dad threatens to touch the thing that had been keeping the waters still.

geoffrey had been having complications in a business deal that octavia’s dad was refusing to agree to. with the knowledge of his crimes, getting rid of the other would be easy, and closing the deal even easier. not wanting to be tainted with such an image, he tells august to end things and even goes as far as to threaten her safety. there isn’t a doubt in august’s mind he’d follow through, knowing all the dirt on his new surname, and things with octavia come to an end, though they continue to keep seeing each other as she begins her new relationship.

has fallen into a bit of a depressive slump, even after the rest of the semester was given off to them. for the first few days afterwards, no one really sees him around. he spends his days locked up in his room, not touching his assignments and not answering to the house maids that knock on his door. he’s completely heartbroken because truly, he believed the rest of his life would be spent with octavia. then comes the anger almost immediately, because while alcohol and drugs allows him to ease the pain it doesn’t allow him to forget, and after coming to bail him out of jail three times, his father stops picking up the phone and cuts august off, taking his cards, cars, everything, unless there’s a promise to behave better. obviously his father is not someone he can come to lean on emotionally for this, and so he picks up other ways of easing the pain: alcohol, drugs, adrenaline, women.

her death is very heavily placed on him for an obvious reason ( she was the love of his life ) but it also comes with the struggle of finishing his degree. he’s so close to it, yet he feels like there’s really no reason for him to continue on with it. octavia had been the sole reason his relationship with his father had been steady. now that she’s out of the picture, there’s no need for a business degree, no need for a shining reputation, no need for whatever upper class bullshit. that’s the mindset that he’s in going into the last semester of college with, and whether he royally fucks up his future because of his grief or if he decides to push through because that’s what octavia would have wanted is up in the air. 

so as usual i’m better at describing bg rather than personality so bear with me.

getting to know august is easy, because he makes it easy. he’s amiable, playful, witty, sarcastic to a fault, but he’s also pessimistic. without octavia’s light to balance it out he’s kind of let himself sink into that cynical mindset that has always been overbearing. unlike his father, however, his anger is always quiet, still, and strikes when least expected. there’s never a scene because there’s never yelling ( unless it’s to his dad ), always low voices that drip with threats and cold eyes that warn of something worse to come if the line keeps being tread. how his knuckles become bloody is always a mystery, because you never heard about august reyn getting into a fight until another kid showed up the next day with a black eye. now, there isn’t much that can be done to bring that out in him, but that’s the dangerous part that people always tell you to look out for. it’s because he always seem so easy going that people don’t ever see the darkness until it’s too late.

i did not do a good job at explaining his personality bc i never do sdfkjsndkf BASICALLY he’s?? p chill. always seems to have that easy look on his face. always looking for trouble and getting into it with the principal, or any authority figure tbh bc fuck them. looking for a good time and is always the one to hype up the party if it feels like it’s dying. lives off of adrenaline and nicotine. will call you out on your ignorant bullshit. hates rich people even though he’s one of them and will drag anyone at ashcroft that he sees abusing their power, even though he uses his name to get away with so many things. is the first person called in his friend group if there’s a fight going down. is soooo overly sarcastic that at times it sounds like he’s being serious. has serious eye rolling problems. doesn’t yell during fights but will yell during debates and get really heated. 

[squidwithelbows]

hey there! if you make the list for wlw books, I would appreciate it. I'd just like to read some good ones that feature well written wlw and not just in the background

I’ve got you! I made a rec list of lgbt books a while back but I knew as I was writing it that not nearly enough were primarily about women.. So here’s a lgbt book rec list, wlw edition! Obvi, this list is FAR from complete but in case you’re like me and you’re struggling to find any books about wlw that you might actually like, I’ve got a few suggestions.

sci fi / fantasy:

Six of Crows and King of Scars (wlw and mlm) – I’ve recommended this before but I’ll keep doing it again and again until the day I die because SoC is my all time favorite YA novel. And the bi woman from SoC is a main character again in King of Scars!!

Not Your Sidekick (wlw, mlm, trans, ace) – A super fun super quick superhero book in which literally everyone is queer.

The Lesson (wlw and some bg mlm) – I actually got to read this one a little before its release but trust me it’s PHENOMENAL. It’s got aliens, it’s got social commentary, it’s got mystery, and it’s got wlw. In the meantime Cadwell also wrote Loneliness Is In Your Blood, which is a horror short story with a wlw protagonist.

Ice Massacre (wlw) – Creepy killer lesbian mermaids!

The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet (wlw and nonbinary) – My friend Janelle described this one as the more inclusive Firefly of her dreams and I think that pretty much sums it up. There isn’t much of a driving plot, but it’s a fun time.

The Expanse series (wlw, mlm, nonbinary) – Full disclosure I watched the tv show of this one and only just started the books but it’s GOOD. It follows a really big cast of characters in a sort of first contact space political thriller in a very casually diverse future. 

Ash (wlw) – Gay Cinderella with creepy fairies!

Soulless (mlm, wlw, nonbinary) – A steampunk series about vampires, werewolves, and ghosts that’s just a lot of fun and has a whole bunch of queer characters. Seriously just assume everyone is bi, especially the protagonist. (Fair warning, she is in a relationship with a man but that doesn’t magically make her not bi)

Circe (wlw and mlm) – I’m gonna say up front that the mc does not end in a relationship with a woman even though there’s a perfect candidate right there, but the book is still very casually queer and bi as hell and honestly just really really good.

Strange the Dreamer (wlw and mlm) – On the list because my two favorite minor characters from the first book got the screen time they deserved in the sequel, and their friendship was the wlw/mlm solidarity I deserved!! The most prominent wlw character is only one of a large cast, but the plot unfolds beautifully and the moral dilemmas that the characters grapple with were WOW.

realistic and/or historical fic:

Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy (wlw, ace, bg mlm) – This one’s a sequel but the whole series is so fun and charming it’s totally worth it. Tbh I had never found a book that so perfectly encapsulates my absolute ideal life until this one. I can’t even begin to describe all the elements I loved about this book without massive spoilers but just pls pls pls read this series! 

Leah on the Offbeat (wlw and mlm) – Another sequel, to Simon vs the Homo Sapien Agenda, but this one focuses on bi ladies. I don’t typically go for realistic teen lit but Becky Albertalli manages to pull it off.

River of Teeth (wlw, mlm, nonbinary) – An alternate history western where feral hippos have taken over the Southern US and the government hires a team to clear them out. It’s a quick read, the cast is wonderfully diverse, and no one blinks an eye at the lgbt characters.

All Out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens Through the Ages (wlw, mlm, trans, ace) – A short story anthology set in different time periods and cultures. Imo the cutest wlw story was The Dresser and the Chambermaid, it was a snarky period romance and I am a sucker for all those things.

The Haunting of Hill House (wlw) – The book is very different from the Netflix series, but you might be surprised that the book also has a lesbian character! I couldn’t believe no one had ever mentioned that to me, so consider this my way of paying it forward. One of the powerhouses of horror and furthermore the lesbian doesn’t die y’all!!

graphic novels:

The One Hundred Nights of Hero (wlw) – I LOVED THIS BOOK. It’s a series of stories in the style of the Arabian Nights told by a lesbian couple. They’re so consistently scathing of trash men, it’s really got a streak of dark comedy and mythology that I dig.

Monstress (wlw) – This comic is like art deco meets steampunk meets the Warriors series, but with eldritch gods and set in a matriarchal 1900’s Asia. There are women and wlw everywhere, and it’s unapologetically not European. Very dark, very cool.

The Adventure Zone (wlw, mlm, trans) – Complete as a podcast, ongoing as a series of graphic novels, I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that The Adventure Zone is one of my favorite stories EVER. It’s got a large cast of lgbt characters, secret societies, plot twists, and a constant theme of compassion in the face of hardship. It starts off as a pretty screwball comedy so you may doubt how hard I cried over several plot points later on, but trust me it sneaks up on you. So worth it.

Lumberjanes (wlw and trans) – This one’s got puzzles and monsters and mystery and camping, plus it’s by Noelle Stevenson, wlw queen! In her own words, “assume all characters in my comics are gay unless stated otherwise.”

On a Sunbeam (wlw and nonbinary) – Ngl, I bought this book after I saw the first few pages. The art is stunning. The plot itself is pretty simple and jumps around chronologically following two (literal) star-crossed lovers.

Spinning (wlw) – The same author also wrote a coming of age story about wlw and figure skating. You could say it’s… yuri on ice [laugh track]

Prince and the Dressmaker (wlw and nonbinary) – There’s a point in this book where you’re going to think things are gonna go badly, but they don’t!

Em Carroll’s comics (wlw) – Em Carroll has several books (all of which are BEAUTIFUL, srsly she’s one of my favorite comic writers) and though none of her published books focus on wlw she is a queer author and wrote Anu-Anulan & Yir’s Daughter, which is about wlw and just as gorgeous. Check her out if you love horror or if you love yourself.

[chinatea]

Ian/BG, school sweethearts accidentally meet ten years after break-up.

The elevator dings, the doors sliding back open to let another hotel guest scoot inside.

So much for having the roomy cabin to himself, Ian mourns, feeling like being extra petty today. For good reason, too. The last day of his business trip has a been a hectic affair and Ian couldn’t get his privacy back soon enough.

Ian glances discreetly at the intruder leaning against the wall opposite of him - worlds apart from the kind of crowd Ian would expect to stay in this high-end hotel if his simple tote bag and practical workout clothes are any indication. Oblivious to being judged hard, the man has curled onto himself a little, his eyes lidded and earbuds plugged in, lost to his own thoughts perhaps.

Something in his profile tugs on Ian’s attention, drawing him in for a closer look. The realization hits him hard. A whole moment passes as he just stares, gawps, at a loss for words.

Then, he makes a sound, an embarrassing gurgle-like sound. His name is glued to the tip of his tongue, almost there, but not quite. If there is one word that holds power over his emotional state, then it’s that...

“Jiyeon?” he mouths, so quiet, it might be just in his head, but the other’s eyes blink open to stare at him in controlled annoyance. It changes next second. He gasps,

“Yanni-” The pet name dies on his lips. “Ian?”

The last time they saw each other was a decade ago. Ian saw him off at the station before Jiyeon left for the big city. Ian kissed him, despite the crowd, despite the side-looks. Who cared, he was kissing the love of his life goodbye. He hadn’t yet known then it would be their final. That they would break up a few months later. Distant relationship. Didn’t worked out.

And out of all the things to remember, for some reason Ian remembers just that - the sweet taste of Jiyeon’s mouth before their final goodbye.

“Hey,” Jiyeon says carefully, as if stepping on glass. “It’s been a while, huh.”

“Yeah,” Ian says as he takes all of him in, meticulous and clinical, picking him apart inch by inch, the kind of look that would always make Jiyeon hiss and tell him to stop stabbing him with his eyes.

The Jiyeon from now doesn’t tell him to stop, just winds an arm over his sternum as if to shield himself from such debilitating scrutiny. He’s self-conscious. It’s really been awhile.

“You look good,” Ian says to reassure. He wonders if that’s enough. If he should complement him more. “Lovely as always.”

He does look good, but in a way that gives Ian a pause. It’s clear that Jiyeon has made some decisions about his life that would be incomprehensible to the Jiyeon from ten years ago. Like going back to his natural hair color, back to black. They do look healthier though than he remembers, the constant chemical abuse being a thing of the past, from the looks of it.

“Thank you. For sparing my feelings,” Jiyeon says with a smile and it’s tender around the edges. “Regardless of what the brochures say, no one looks good after a six hour yoga workout.”

Ian shoots him a curious look.

“Yeah,” Jiyeon adds, picking up on his unspoken question. He looks somewhere past Ian, though as he continues. “I do...I mean I teach yoga now. We’ve got this two-day event at the hotel - mindfulness in exchange for sore knees and all that tosh. But hey, it’s an all-paid package for the teachers, so...”

“Oh.”

Jiyeon’s smile wavers when he sees Ian’s face and as much as Ian wants to reel it in, there is only so much he can do to stay nonchalant at the big reveal.

It occurs to him then that he hasn’t the slightest idea who this man is now. All he knows is the Jiyeon from ten years ago who swore to take over the world and leave it in awe of his talent. Nothing would stand in his way. Not even Ian.

He wonders also how Jiyeon sees him now. It goes both ways after all. The Rolex on his wrist and the fine fabrics of his suit, his expensive cologne - he’s done good for himself, living the dream - a very lonely dream. What Jiyeon cannot see is the man underneath who would measure every little fling of his by the impossible standards Jiyeon once imposed and invariably find them lacking in every aspect.

In his heart, Jiyeon has stayed unbeaten.

The elevator dings the second time, announcing end of the line for them. The nineteenth floor. They look at each other in surprise.   

“It seems we share a floor, huh?” Jiyeon smiles. He doesn’t really stop smiling, even if he’s probably itching to go. It’s all in the way he doesn’t meet Ian’s eyes for too long, staring longingly down the empty hallway.

Would they ever stumble upon each other again like that? Perhaps, but Ian doesn’t like taking chances. Something in him can’t stand the thought of just letting Jiyeon go. He did it once already - it wasn’t pretty.

“Are you free tonight?” he asks the moment they step out of the elevator. It’s not like he has a plan. He’s still trying to wrap his head around the whole thing, going off on a pure instinct.

Jiyeon looks up at him in surprise. And for a moment there, Ian finds himself lost in the sheer depth of his eyes - lovely, as always.

“I don’t have anything planned,” he replies, then. “I still need to pack, though.”

Ian wonders if he’s being politely dismissed. He presses regardless.

“Would you agree to have dinner with me, if I asked?”

Jiyeon takes time with his answer and Ian half-expects to be turned away now for sure, some bitter thoughts already gooping in his mind.

“Maybe,” Jiyeon says, unsure. Then, adds with a slight cheek to his tone. “Are you asking?”

“I am.”

“Okay,” Jiyeon nods, pulling his phone out. “I need to shower first, though. What’s your room number?”

Ian tells him and after that they part ways, Jiyeon heading for his suite, not looking back even once. Ian watches him go, wondering if it’s time he learns to let go of things.

Three and a half hours later. Somewhere around midnight, although neither of them could tell for certain, Ian presses Jiyeon against the door of his hotel suite, mouthing down his jawline.

Suffice it to say, things have progressed some since that awkward elevator ride. 

The dinner was amicable, if a little stilted at first. A glass of wine helped to unbottle the wild chatterbox that Jiyeon used to be. Yet, the conversation never seemed to dip into their past, circulating around safer topics - like ten most ridiculous names for yoga postures. He laughed a lot, at some point sliding to sit next to Ian, cutting the distance between them - so slick a transition that it caught both of them unawares, but not unpleasantly. Their looks lingered. And back on their floor, things finally snapped, splashing over the edge and into Ian’s room.  

“Stop, hey, please, stop, Yannie,” Jiyeon pleads, out of breath, as Ian pulls back, one fearful thought pulsing through his mind - Jiyeon wants to leave. This is over.

“Can I use your bathroom?” Jiyeon asks. “To take care of things, okay? Before we continue.”

“Oh.” It dawns on Ian then, panic leaving his body. He unclenches his jaw. “You don’t have to, we could just...”

“I want to,” Jiyeon insists, pressing one last firm kiss against his lips. “I won’t be long. Go and fluff up the pillows or something.”

With that, he slips away, leaving Ian with the subtle trail of his perfume. The citrusy notes ring close to the scent Jiyeon carried back then and it drags Ian into the past even if that’s the last thing he wants to do right now.

He was Jiyeon’s first lover. And even if Jiyeon wasn’t his, Ian was far from being experienced. Everything they did together was a revelation. But all he ever learned was how to love Jiyeon, no one else.

Quietly, Jiyeon emerges from the bathroom in a white hotel robe. Ian watches him approach in a trance. As the robe slips off to pool at his feet, Ian draws him close, kissing the skin above his belly button, thumbs hooking over the jut of his hip bones. His build is still on the lanky side, but his body filled in nicely due to exercise and, probably, overall healthier habits compared to ten years ago when Jiyeon, ever the perfectionist, would often neglect his meals in favour of his busy schedule.

“You’re so fucking beautiful, Ji,” Ian murmurs between kisses, pulling him onto the bed and settling between his open thighs. Taking a moment to look down on him, marveling at the sight - black hair swept across the white linen and gaze so sinful, dark eyes dilated in want.

Ian strips, eyes never leaving Jiyeon’s. Every sound he makes goes stark in the room. The moment he’s done, he rises back on his knees, cock hard and heavy against his stomach. Ian gives himself a slow stroke, another hand slipping under Jiyeon to prod at his hole, finding it nice and loose for him.

Ian takes a few moments to finger him anyway, dragging the pads of his fingers against the swell of his prostate - Jiyeon’s breath quickens as he struggles not to snap his legs together, shivering in pleasure. His own cock is dripping wet by now. He’s ready and he whimpers to hurry Ian along.

“Is that okay?” Ian pauses to ask once he’s sheathed inside, voice gravelly from the effort of not falling apart. All he wants is to fuck him until there is no room for thought. Being enveloped by Jiyeon’s heat is a slow descent into madness as he’s barely threading the surface.

“Yeah, good,” Jiyeon nods, short of breath. He lets out a nervous giggle which he smothers against Ian’s neck.

His next words come unexpected, in a moment of vulnerability.

“No one fucked me as good as you did, Yannie,” he whispers against Ian’s ear. It’s not dirty talk. It’s a confession. “I was so fucking in love with you. Everything you did was like magic to me.”

The use of past tense hurts, but with Jiyeon, Ian had learned not to take everything he says at face value - they’re in bed together now and Jiyeon is wet for him, seconds from crumbling apart. Ian focuses on that and then, he moves.

“So, when are you going to ask about what happened to me?” Jiyeon’s question comes apropos of nothing now that the easy part - the sex part - is over with.

Ian expected him to leave almost immediately, had already prepared to list million reasons why he can’t, in fact, leave immediately, or ever, but Jiyeon hasn’t shown any intention of leaving so far.

After crawling back into his robe and putting out the night light, he let Ian pull him back in bed, let him spoon him from behind as he watched the skyline from the big panorama window. As mesmerizing as the city view is, Ian has found Jiyeon way more mesmerizing than that - the weight of his body against his, the softness of his skin, the scent.

“I wasn’t sure you wanted to talk about that,” he says then, nuzzling the back of his neck.

Jiyeon rolls onto his back, turning his head to face Ian with a van smile.

“I bet you’re thinking I’m some kind of fuck-up or whatever. That’s what I’d think, honestly. But ironically enough, it’s quite the opposite, you know. I did make it. Got to the top - a 7-digit salary and glass corner office, all to myself, in one of the most prestigious designer companies in Seoul. The day I got that promotion though…”

Jiyeon pauses, closing his eyes, lips pressed tight.

“...was also the day I quit. I don’t think i can explain it in a way that wouldn’t sound utter bollocks to you, but that same day, I just realize how fucking miserable I was all that time. So I locked myself in a bathroom cubicle for the rest of the day and sobbed my eyes out because I felt so fucking cheated - I thought I wanted that, but in reality I had no idea what I wanted. Success sounds good as an idea, but once you actually get there - you know that it’s all smoke and mirrors. There is no happiness at the top - in fact, there is nothing at the top. Just same old you, taken apart into soulless pieces and fucking groundless.”

Ian hears him heave a sigh, inching closer to let Jiyeon lean into him, his eyelashes wet against his skin. For a long moment, Ian just holds him.

“Do you think I’m an idiot?” Jiyeon asks.

“No,” Ian says. “I’ve always thought you’re way too smart for your own good, Ji.”

“I was an idiot to let you go, though,” he murmurs. “I’m sorry. After I quit, I had this crazy idea to find you and apologize, at least, only my selfishness got the better of me. I was terrified to find out that you'd settled with someone else. That you were happy with someone else, deservingly so. Just the final nail in my coffin, you know? So I stayed away. Ignorance is bliss.”

Ian wishes he had known sooner, but Jiyeon had cut off all the ties, skillful and with little mercy. Maybe, Ian hasn’t fully forgotten that past Jiyeon and if he was still in the picture, there would be little they even had to say to each other, only this is not the past Jiyeon and Ian just lets himself loose, voicing out the deepest secret of his life.

“There has never been anyone else, Ji.”

“There could have been. There still could be.”

Perhaps, but that’s not what he wants.

“I want us to be together,” Ian says, biting the bullet.

“Oh.” Jiyeon pulls back, untangling himself from Ian as he sits up, fixing the robe around his torso.

“Why not?” Ian says, watching him carefully.

“Yannie,” Jiyeon sighs, eyes trained at his knees. “It’s not that simple. I’m seeing someone. I mean...We’re not exclusive, obviously. An on-and-off kind of thing, really, but sort of complicated and fucking tiresome. So, the last thing I need right now is another complicated thing with you on top of that, okay? So, if this is just, you know, a walk down memory lane for you, I suggest we end it here.”

There are so many things he could say, thoughtful and mature things to put forward so Jiyeon could see how important this is to him. Instead, he feels ready to bust out a major pout because, eh, what now?

“Who is that guy?” he gripes. “I’m gonna punch him into yesterday.”

(So he’ll never ever bothers them again.)

Jiyeon snorts, a subtle roll of his eyes.

“And then I’ll punch him again for being a jackass,” Ian adds, petulant. “Who wouldn’t want to be exclusive with you?”

“Okay, okay,” Jiyeon placates him, smothering a giggle in the sleeve of his robe. “I promise to think about that, okay?”

“Sure, you have plenty of time until tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Jiyeon blinks.

“And now we sleep,” Ian cuts him off, tackling him down and muffling all his protests.

Jiyeon sighs in surrender, circling an arm around Ian as he curls into him - if you can’t defeat them, hug them.

“Can’t believe I forgot how pigheaded you can get.”

Another moment passes. Another sigh.

“I missed that, too.”

(Half a year later.)

“So, what do you think?” Jiyeon plops down on their couch, somehow both succeeding in snuggling next to Ian and swinging his legs over Ian’s knees with that bendy yoga magic of his.

Ian takes his time to cast critical eye over their new apartment which used to be just his apartment, a spartan bachelor loft, bordering on bare, all clean lines and restricted color palette. It used to be enough - it’s not like he used the place for anything other than to crash at night.

It wasn’t, however, enough for Jiyeon who agreed to move in under one important condition - he gets to design it to his liking. Probably the easiest condition Ian has ever had the pleasure to agree to.

“Love it,” Ian says, reaching for one of Jiyeon’s socked feet and digging his thumbs into the sole, working his way up from heel to toe in an impromptu massage.

Jiyeon hums and wiggles into a snug position, ready to be spoilt, as he hugs one of the handmade cushions to his chest - it has a frivolous birdy print on it, which, secretly, was a real shocker to Ian when he first saw it chilling on their couch.

Back in school days, Jiyeon was all about chic, not frivolous. He took himself seriously and his designs reflected that in spades. This new playful side to him is a real proof of the inner transformation Jiyeon has gone through - now he’s not afraid of poking fun at himself, not anymore.

And that fact alone brings a genuine child-like smile to Ian’s lips.

“You’re not just saying that to make me happy, are you?” Jiyeon eyes him suspiciously.

Ian holds his gaze, lips parting as if to confess to something terrible. Then, he shrugs.

“Nah.”

A smug grin stretches his lips.

Jiyeon chokes on a laugh as he tosses the cushion at him, pouncing next to dig his fingers into the sensitive area around Ian’s ribs. The attack is short-lived, however, as both of them slide down the couch and onto the plush carpet, making their peace there with Jiyeon’s head resting on Ian’s chest.

“What do you think about rekindling your career in interior design, though?” Ian asks, after a moment.

Jiyeon pick on one of the buttons of Ian’s shirt as he pretends to think about that.

“Nah,” he says, even more obnoxious than Ian’s reply from before.

They share a laugh before quieting down again. Then, Jiyeon lets out a mellow sigh.

“I guess I’m not in a rush to become miserable again. Even if it’s different now and you’re here with me, so I probably won’t end up completely in pieces, but still it’s a real cutthroat industry and I don’t really think I have what it takes to survive there, maybe never had. Too zen for that now, you know.”

“That’s okay with me,” Ian says, pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. “Do what makes you happy. I’ll support you regardless.”

“Are you sure?” Jiyeon asks with a mischievous glint in his eyes. “You never know, one day you might come home and see our bedroom painted duck egg blue. What would you say then?”

“I’d say bring it on, love,” Ian says, kissing his mouth gentle and weightless. It grows heavy and involved soon enough as Jiyeon busies himself with striping Ian naked. His own clothes following suit before long.

AN: I dunno if it translated well but I wanted to make Ian a bit creep-ish? Cuz why not, eh.

[aromantic-james-t-kirk]

So I know you have a few answers to this already but I figure: the more the merrier right?

I’m mixed mestizo (nuevomexicano)/white (British) I grew up in New Mexico with my New Mexican family and culture and was only exposed to British culture every so often.

Okay. Bg out of the way, I’ll start with the simple questions:

Half vs mixed.

While I was raised using “half” myself, it’s a term that I have grown to...not hate, but to kind of side-eye. While other mixed people tend to use it respectively, non-mixed people tend to only use it as a way to invalidate your experiences and your claim to your culture. The idea that you are “half” of the culture you are trying to take part in meaning that you can’t fully appreciate it, take part in it, or claim it. You are only ever “half” and that is all you will ever be allowed. In regards to Spock: I think it has its place, especially in regards to the above situations since we often see others, well meaning or not, using Spock’s mixed heritage as a kind of off-handed insult, but I can’t imagine it being used in a fanfic (especially by a non-mixed person) as anything but an insult (as in contextually as an insult, not as the author trying to be insulting...I hope that makes sense?)

Mixed, for me, is a fine word to use. If we were talking Spanish and the use of “mestizo” I would have a LOT more to say here but given that I am pretty sure you are writing in English “mixed” is a good way to go.

PoC-coded

Ehhhh....I think you better get the opinion of a Jewish person for this one. I don’t exactly feel qualified to answer it.

How far is too far?

Here I will say: it depends on the writing and the story. If you are doing an exposition of Spock’s mixed identity then I would say that it’s fine to do an in-depth dive into it but you should probably get a sensitivity reader to look over it. In any other instance I would say that, unless Spock being mixed directly pertains to the story (aka: he knows how to do something because his mother taught him) then I wouldn’t even bother bringing it up. People reading fan-fics know Spock is mixed Vulcan/Human. It doesn’t need to be stated outright. If it is important to the story, but just at a level of the above, then a small and quick reference to it isn’t a bad thing just don’t over for it with too much drama to the point where it seems completely insincere.

For the more specific questions:

“Finding a balance”

My best advice to you: find someone raised in two different religions to answer this one for you given that Spock’s issues with “Balance” stems more from how he views himself as a person and how he interacts with the world. At least, that is always how I envisioned his struggle.

From a POV though of just “blending cultures together” without getting into the “this actively influences how I view my own life/existence/the world” (which, mind you, I do still experience but both my parents are from western and Christian cultures. The differences between their understanding of the world and how they raised me in it is very close) my own experiences with “balance”...I really don’t know what to say exactly. It’s a personal thing, trying to “blend” your cultures. For personal (and practical) reasons I have chosen to focus on one instead of the other. Sure there is still a “blending”, especially around holidays, but for the most part it’s a personal thing and there isn’t ever going to be some great an wise person who can go “oh this is how you blend your cultures!” They just don’t exist. There are other mixed people you can talk to to see how they approached it but it’s a personal thing.

As for Jim + Balance: I think that it can be written correctly. Finding ones balance through a person (aka just generally interacting with them) vs because of a person (aka: them actively telling you how to ‘balance’ yourself) are two different things. In the first the person is a passive individual and they likely have no idea they are even influencing you in this way. The second is a far more active thing and, if the person themselves isn’t mixed, can definitely fall into dangerous territory. You would have to be careful in how you write the first one though and make sure it’s obvious that it is a passive thing, not an active one.

I...might have more to add later but right now I have to ran. It’s Good Friday so it’s pretty busy but I hope this helped!

oh hey i know it’s april fools day and i’ve made some Funney posts but i have some serious questions i was thinking about that i wanna ask in relation to talking about spock?

i’ll put them under the cut because it’s mostly about fictional racism but it mimics real racism and i don’t want to expose anyone to that if they don’t want to see it

most of the questions are about spock being mixed, and these are just questions i have and no one is under any obligation to answer if they don’t want to

so everyone knows that spocks mom is human and his dad is vulcan, but there’s a few questions i have about talking about spock in writings and posts that i make. i’ve seen a few posts by mixed people saying “oh hey don’t do x and y because it’s alienating to real life mixed people” and i try to take those into account because the last thing i want to do is alienate anyone or make them feel unsafe

also feel free to correct me if i use any harmful language or make incorrect assumptions! i also want to say that i know mixed people aren’t a monolith and that different people will have different opinions and i’ll try to take as many of those opinions into account as i can

so first off, is it okay to refer to spock as half-vulcan or half-human? i know that blood quantum is bad and harmful, but i’m not sure if that counts as being such? i also know it’s not okay to refer to his sides as if they’re different parts, but when talking about spock as a part of vulcan culture would it be okay to refer to him as “also half-human” or would it just be better to say that he’s “human as well” (and vice versa for talking about him being a part of human culture + his vulcanness)? is referring to him as halves still dehumanizing for mixed people to see? i know things like “half-breed” and other slurs/insults/derogatory terms for mixed people shouldn’t be used, but is calling spock half human half vulcan the same as that? would it be better to refer to his “vulcan upbringing” or his “human tendencies”?

on the other hand, is it okay to call spock mixed? to my knowledge all of spocks actors have been white, and im not sure if it’s disrespectful to talk about spock as being mixed when his actors are white.

going off of that, would it be okay to call spock poc-coded? i’ve seen some people say that but i’m not sure if thats true, or even my place to talk about/have an opinion on. should that conversation be left up to people of color? is this something that white people should just listen to and reblog from creators of color and not talk/debate about themselves?

okay so my final set of questions (for now) is that how far is too far when writing fanfiction about spock and his identity? i understand that not mentioning his status as both a vulcan and a human would be erasure of his identity, but how far into his identity is too far before it becomes someone just spouting nonsense about something they have no idea about?

mentioning that spock struggles with figuring out who he is and where he fits is a pretty established thing in canon, but how far into talking about that is too far? is saying that spock needs to find a “balance” between his humanness and vulcanness offensive? would a better wording be something like “figuring out how much emotion he’s comfortable with showing” or “how he embraces aspects from each of his cultures”? is writing about spock finding his “balance” through another person (like jim, for instance) okay or is it kinda white savior-y that spock needs another person (specifically a white man) to help him “find balance”? would a better term be to aid or help or assist? or maybe like... provide a safe environment? is there a way to word that that wouldn’t be shitty or should people abandon that way of thinking altogether?

anyway sorry about the long post and feel free to only answer part of the post or not answer at all or maybe just link to a post that would be helpful in answering the questions even if it’s not star trek specific. or if you want to boost some writing that is a good example of how to portray spock’s identity in a respectful way or if you’re mixed and relate to spock and you want to boost your own posts/fics on here, you can do that as well. thanks!

[skele8ritydraws]

Oh relatable Im horrible with talking to people sometimes but! Im trying to be better!! Im still on anon but sh lmao. Yeah I never thought to look for artists on youtube but there's a few I found that I really like :0 Kasey Golden, Doodledate (oh my god they're sO CUTE AND INSPIRING IMO they make me wanna do traditional stuffs), DrawWithJazza, Kattvalk, and DrawWiffWaffles, they're all good and make me wanna draw.. plus they're just good to listen to, have their vids on in the bg. (1/2)

(2/2) And another thing I've seen youtube artists promoting has been this Skillshare thing! Its a cite you can buy a subscription or whatever for and get access to lots of video lessons. It seems pretty neat! Though you do gotta pay for It lol (I think. $10 a month? Im not 100%). Im glad that I could help though, even a little!! I hope you have a good week too, and hopefully dont have to stress too much!! You deserve wonderful good things 💙

these are also all good suggestions!!! admittedly im... trying to make money, rather than spend it right now, hence my bit of focus on the ability to take commissions, or! at least draw something simple for a ko-fi donation.i dont really want to go into it right now, but the short of it is that as i am now, with my minimum wage job and some arguably necessary bills piling up on me (health and car insurance, phone, storage), i am... losing more money than i can actually make right now, and thats without including groceries. so im sort of uhhhh... how you say. terrified about that 💦 i have a lot of changes i need to make, but with some unexpected complications popping up lately, i dont know how long its gonna take for me to change things so they line up a little more affordably.honestly? a lot of this stress and me breaking and even making a post in the first place was brought on by me stressing out about what i could possibly do for a $3-$5 donation!!!

on a personal note, if it isnt terribly misplaced of me to say! even if youre on anon, its like, EXTRA nice that youd send me such kind and helpful messages even when youre struggling with getting some communication out there yourself?? thats really good!im just getting back around to talking to people myself. im a little floppy with it, its easier some days than others! but everyone i talk to says theyre happy to talk to me at all, and im sure your friends and acquaintances feel the same way for you.good luck in your own endeavours! you really threw me a hell of a bone here, you know!

[dxmedstudent]

Hi dxmedstudent ... I adore 😍 your blog. You're so helpful with the info and stories you share. Makes me look forward to life as a doc. Im hoping you could help me. Im a 5th year med student, my final year is equivalent to FY1. I want to apply to FY2 when I come back to bg (study in europe). Can you please give me any tips on how to improve my chance, what clinical skills are expected? I heard about LAS/LAT positions. Anything you can tell me would be appreciated :) ... thank you so so much x

Hello! and Thank you! I try my best :) Congratulations on getting this far, I think everyone nearing the end of med school deserves a pat on the back for making it this far.

In terms of the technicalities of what you may need to do, the GMC has lots of helpful advice for international graduates. Including guidance about acceptable overseas qualifications. Their website is particularly useful. I actually don’t think you’d have a huge problem getting in. You might be expected to do the SJT exam, look it up and see if international grads are expected to do it (there are books to help you prepare, if you do), but otherwise I imagine your applications might be based on a points-based system like FPAS or core/speciality applications. Basically, any prizes you’ve won, any publications or poster presentations are good, though not strictly necessary. Previous degrees are useful. Extracurricular achievements can also add flair. Many people don’t have much in this department, and lots of people still get in. You might be lucky and get something in the next few months, but there’s not really much you can do to drastically change your odds in a short space of time. So I don’t think it’s worth worrying too much about revolutionising your application. Just do your best. In terms of the technicalities, the 15 core clinical skills expected of FY1s are:

Venepuncture

IV cannulation

Prepare and administer IV medications and injections           

Arterial puncture in an adult    

Blood culture from peripheral sites     

Intravenous infusion including the prescription of fluids          

Intravenous infusion of blood and blood products            

Injection of local anaesthetic to skin         

Injection – subcutaneous (eg insulin or LMW heparin)    

Injection – intramuscular         

Perform and interpret an ECG            

Perform and interpret peak flow            

Urethral catheterisation (male)

Urethral catheterisation (female)       

Airway care including simple adjuncts (eg Guedel airway or laryngeal masks).

I didn’t remember them off by heart, I’ve lifted them from the GMC website, in case you thought this was a new level of nerdery. These are practical things we are expected to get signed off  under supervision,during the course of FY1, in order to gain full registration with the GMC. Although that’s not the only thing we’re expected to do, the curriculum is on the GMC website in the section on foundation training. On top of that, we’re expected to  be able to take a history, complete an examination, and start treatment. I’d recommend getting pretty comfortable with the above things, because as an FY2 you’d be expected to be able to do them. Coincidentally, it’s where I’ve seen straight-to-FY2 international docs really struggle, because they had relatively little patient contact during their med school years, and didn’t really feel comfortable with this aspect. FY1 is partly about gaining competency in these skills, altough we do some of them a lot more than others. It doesn’t mean you have to be perfect, or ‘get it’ each time, there will still be times when we struggle. But practice is so important; the more we practice in med school, the better we will be when we hit the wards as doctors.  I find it really interesting that many of the 6 year universities in Europe technically qualify you to become a baby SHO in the UK straight off, with all the responsibilities and expectations of someone who’s already been doctoring for a year. It makes sense in terms of the number of years we’ve studied, but not in terms of most people’s experience?  I don’t think that another year in med school is necessarily comparable to a year as a doctor; not in terms of theoretical knowledge (I’m sure many European graduates might kick a UK FY1′s butt in terms of theoretical knowledge), but in terms of practical experience. For the reason that a lot of the schools in Europe (generalising based on the students I’ve talked to, sorry!) often focus more heavily on theory over practice, compared to UK med schools. UK med schools have increasingly moved away from bogging us down with technical detail or anatomy, to getting you practically ready to hit the wards as an FY1. We spend year 3, 4, and 5 basically mostly on the wards seeing patients, with year 5 basically being shadowing FY1 doctors. There’s always an added challenge facing graduates is that each medical school system prepares you best for the system in that country, but not necessarily for another country. What’s expected of new docs in each country can be a little different; for example, in the UK there’s a heavy emphasis on practical procedures like the ones above; in many countries a doctor wouldn’t even be expected to do most of these! But in the UK a junior doctor is often expected to. I was adequately prepared to be an FY1 here when I graduated, but I’m sure if I moved over to the US for intern year I would have struggled, because the expectations there are a bit different. I’m particularly in awe of people who choose to go abroad to start working, because it adds an extra layer of scary and difficult (though, let’s be honest, it’s always going to be scary, and regardless of that, you’ll get through OK). An FY2 year is a training year, in which you’d be treated exactly the same as ‘homegrown’ FY2s, and would prepare you for the next step (core or speciality training), so I’d advise on picking an FY2 job over a locum or trust grade job, if you can.  I wouldn’t personally advise starting your career on a locum or non-training job, any more than I’d advise taking a locum position in a speciality you haven’t yet worked in. Because locums are paid more, people basically expect you to already be competent, not need much direction, and get on with things; there’s no emphasis on teaching you. These jobs are usually picked up by people who’ve worked in that speciality but want to take a little time out of training. That’s because those kinds of job usually entail less support and teaching than training jobs. You’d also be expected to navigate appraisal by yourself.  I’ve met people who’ve done it, so it can be done if you have to, but it always seems like an unnecessarily stressful choice. They advised me against trust grade jobs because of the lack of support, so I’m passing on that tip. Especially if you’re new to the NHS, I’d recommend going for the most supported job you can find.

When I’ve talked to Brits graduating in Europe who want to come back to the UK to work, they’ve often been quite keen to apply for an FY1 to start with, rather than going in at FY2 like they could. Which, once I thought about it, seemed quite sensible. Firstly, there are much fewer unpaired solitary FY2 placements available; you’ll probably be stuck applying to places where an FY1 has dropped out of training. Whereas there are lots of FY1 jobs by comparison. So you might get more choice in terms of where you can apply. FY1 jobs also tend to be a bit more protected; they expect new docs to need more supervision. FY1 jobs in high-pressure specialities like paeds or obs and gynae tend to be supernumerary (no on-calls, and always with SHO supervision), and in many hospitals FY1s don’t work nights, or do less clerking, and usually have SHOs to ask for support. Whereas FY2 can see you seeing sick patients in A&E, paeds, gynae, GP or psych and you may be the only SHO around, with only a stretched registrar for advice. On top of that, you might have FY1s coming to you for advice! You might not have any of those specialities in your FY2 placement, but I personally feel they are stressful enough as an FY2 when you have experience; I certainly wouldn’t have volunteered myself to do them straight out of med school, no matter if I had one more year of theory under my belt. In general, FY2 jobs tend to be more isolated; you’re often either working a busy rota or else on a more specialised placement where you may be the only FY or SHO doctor, so there’s generally less support or community. Fy1s tend to be more social and there’s a cameraderie amongst FY1s bonding over the terror of hitting the wards for the first time that you just don’t get at any other time. FY1 jobs tend to either have another FY1 on your ward, or an SHO who can support you. More importantly, if you start as an FY1, you’ll be treated on par with everyone else who is a new doctor; people might not know that you’re actually a new doc, because they’ll expect someone who’s already got a year of experience. Most people are nice, but people can be impatient if they don’t understand the level you are working at, so if you go for the FY2 route, you should be honest that you’re only just starting out as a doc, despite your grade. Make sure people know what you feel comfortable doing, and don’t let people pressure you into doing something you don’t feel competent to do. The main drawbacks are that your first year will be paid less as an FY1 than FY2, though I believe that’s probably less pronounced now on the new contract.  And of course, it would mean one more year of training. But that can sometimes be a good thing; you actually apply for core or specality training a few months into FY2, which would be really soon if you only just started working as a doctor a few months ago! The best thing about FY1 and FY2 for me were doing lots of rotations in different specialities, so that I could get a better idea of which ones I liked, and I think a lot of people would benefit from having that opportunity before picking for good. Though I can understand the draw in skipping a year and going for FY2, particularly when it’s better paid. I’m sure that starting straight as an FY2 might be the best option for some people, and since there are a lot of different med schools out there, perhaps some people from across the continent feel adequately prepared  to follow that path. So I’m not about to judge anyone who decides this is the best option for them, given that they are technically entitled to make that choice. (albeit, allowed by a system that cares relatively little for our welfare or training) But having talked to people who’ve studied in a few places, if it were me, unless my med school had quite a big emphasis on seeing patients and doing simple procedures, I’d still start at FY1 if I had the choice. LAS and LAT jobs are basically similar to trust grade jobs or clinical fellowships, which can sometimes be used to count towards your training time, however they are basically long-term locum jobs in a department where there is a vacancy because they haven’t managed to get a training doctor to fill the gap. Many departments offer non-training jobs (trust grade SHO jobs), LAT or LAS jobs tend to be fewer, because departments probably prefer to get by with less responsibility for their employees. Training people is more difficult and requires more supervision, after all. Always remember that hospitals are employers: whilst they are not out to get you, they also aren’t there to do you any more favours than they have to. So look out for yourself and your wellbeing, and think hard about whether any jobs you apply to are suited for you. Hospitals just want someone to fill their job vacancies and get on with service provision. Look after yourself, and make the choice that you feel would be best for you, because the system isn’t set up to put us first. So you have to do that. Whatever and wherever you choose, do it because you feel it’s right for you, not because the opportunity exists; not every job and not every opportunity we have in medicine is in our favour. For example, some FY1 or FY2 jobs have 2 relatively low stress jobs and 1 high stress job. Whereas some offer jobs that have 3 stressful jobs in a row with a high number of on-calls. The fact that the burnout rates for those placements are higher doesn’t seem to matter to the deaneries that keep offering those rotations. So my ranking, in terms of how protected/supported jobs are is FY1 > FY2 > LAS/LAT > Trust grade or clinical fellow > Locum. If you don’t want to do an FY1 year, then starting from FY2 is more supported than going fora LAS/LAT which is mroe supported than trust grade or short term locums. My advice would be, if you have an opportunity for work experience or electives, try to do an elective in the UK to get a feel for what it’s like, and how ready you feel you’d be. Even if it’s just a few weeks over the summer, it might be worth it if it could put you mind at ease. No matter what you choose, I hope it makes you happy, and good luck for the coming years. I look forward to you joining the team :)

[bernuviel]

2017 Summary of Art With 2017 coming to an end, it's time to look back at the art I created. Honestly this was a crazy year – including the best and worst moments of my life. And I have never drawn so few artworks in a year since I can remember. So it's kinda hard to say something about my improvement. I’d love to know, which one is your favourite artwork? And why? January – Bakura I drew a lot of YGO in fall and winter of 2016. The craze ended with this color & shading experiment. While I still like the artwork, it took me way too long to finish because I got kinda tired of it. I also joined the “Meet the Artist” memes trend. February – Commission My YGO art got me my first ever commission by a “stranger” (no friend or family member). Even though I don't like shipping, I still enjoyed drawing this artwork. The sunset setting was a nice color & shading experiment too. March – Nothing Honestly, I don't know what happened. I just didn't feel like drawing at all. April – BG Drawing Workshop “Room” I joined the great background drawing workshop by betsyillustration. I learned so much! Not only about perspective, but also storytelling. For this picture we had to draw the room of a character, showing their personality. It's kinda rough and the perspective on the back wall is wrong. But for being drawn in just a few days, it's okay. May – BG Drawing Workshop “Comic” A comic page drawn for the background workshop. This one is obviously focusing more on storytelling. Drawing a soccer game was a challenge. It's not finished either, but I think you can understand what's going on. June – Nothing After drawing a lot for the workshop in April and May I felt kinda burnt out. At the end of June I was at a music festival where I saw my two favourite bands Green Day and Linkin Park live – for the first time ever! I had been a fan of both for 13 years already. I was so happy, it really was the best weekend of my life. July – One More Light Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park, died by suicide in July – only a month after I saw them live. I had never lost someone close to me up until that point and it hit me pretty hard. (I didn't know him personally, but he and his music meant a lot to me.) I drew this simple little artwork based on one of their newest songs in honour of Chester the day after he passed away. It was hard to finish, since I couldn't stop crying. August – Nothing It was a horrible month and I struggled with my grief quite a lot. I wasn't able to draw or do anything useful at all. September – Talinda One of he biggest inspirations in this hard time was Chester's wife Talinda. Through her Twitter she reached out to grieving fans and even started a movement to raise awareness for mental health. Some fans created amazing videos for her birthday in September and I joined them with this little card. Chester would be so proud of her! October – Linkin Park Tribute I spent the whole month drawing a big tribute artwork for Linkin Park, the band who saved my life over and over again - of course while listening to their songs. Art has always been my way of dealing with things and it also helped me with my grief. It's the most important artwork I've ever created. It was finished just in time for LP's tribute concert for Chester which was beautiful and further helped healing my broken heart. Also my artwork became quite popular on Twitter and Facebook, where I got some lovely messages from other LP fans. November – Nothing I was doing a lot better after Linkin Park's wonderful, consoling tribute concert for their late lead singer. I started working on another artwork, but life got busy again and I couldn't finish it in November. December – Voices of a Generation Another person who really helped me cope with my grief was Linkin Park's second lead singer Mike Shinoda. He started a wonderfully positive movement on Twitter: #MakeChesterProud. Mike and Chester were very close friends for almost 20 years. I just had to dedicate an artwork to them. They were the voices that got me and many other people through some of our darkest times. Thank you, Linkin Park! Onwards to 2018 and even more improvement! :D

[truthaboutnursingschool-blog]

What being a caregiver has taught me about myself

This last semester of nursing school was a rough one for me. I struggled a lot in my med-surg class and just barely passed it. I spent most drives home crying, spent long nights tossing and turning in fear that I would fail. I had always considered myself strong in clinical though-I knew how to communicate with my pts, I was generally fearless when it came to doing the simple tasks asked of us during the first semester. I had an excitement when learning new skills and getting to perform them for the first time. Little changed when I entered my second semester except for the crippling stress I faced when it came to care plans.

I struggled with care plans all semester, would come within half a point to passing. Not good enough was a word I had used to describe both my academic and personal success for those horrendous 4 months. I ended up only passing 1 care plan, the very last one. If I were to be judged by the standards my instructor is going to start using I would have failed clinical.

All in all, it was a pretty severe blow to my self esteem. I felt as if I wasn’t making the connections, wasn’t seeing what I needed to see in order to be a good nurse, to do my job. I thought to myself, how am I ever supposed to be a good nurse, a competent nurse if I can’t even write a simple care plan. (This of course was ignoring the fact that every single nurse I knew in real life, including the ones I was with during clinicals, said care plans were sucked for everyone).

Still, I was aching to be back doing something when summer rolled around. I had been looking into PCT jobs, thinking that getting in the hospital, being immersed in the environment would help salvage the shreds of my confidence. No jobs were to be found.

Until J told me how she started working as a CG at an ALF in her hometown. The work was rough and the pt load was high but she was enjoying it-so I followed suit.

My first day of orientation was the only real one I got and I will forever be grateful to Lisa for giving the down and dirty on how to be a CG because on Day 3, my first evening shift I was the only CG working. The MT wasn’t very experienced and med passes on our memory care unit are INTENSE if you don’t have a system down. That night I was kicked, punched, threatened and called names by our sundowning residents. I was exhausted by the end of the night, covered in sweat and ready to soak my feet. My boss texted me, begging me not to quit. The very next day I walked into the DON’s office and requested to only be assigned to the memory care unit. I had loved it all, every minute of it.

My experience on memory care has calmed down quite a bit since then. I mainly work days so the chaos of that night mainly exist at meals and on the day residents refuse medicine. Since that night, I’ve gotten to know all the residents, learning what makes them tick, learning warning signs of an impending BM that may or may not end up all over the floor, the signs of a resident who is about .2 seconds from climbing out of bed and spitting right into my face as I asked her politely “Do you want to come to lunch?” I’ve learned to take it all in stride when they call me “bitch” “devil” “idiot” “stupid, dumbest of them all” and “I hate you.” Because I know they don’t mean it, because when I give them a minute, or 2 hours, to process after the insult has been hurled and they’ve calmed down I’m one of their favorites.

I know their is a difference between being a nurse and CG, I can see it when I look at my coworkers who are just there for the paycheck. I see it when a resident has a hard time controlling their insanely high BG levels, no matter how much insulin the dr is ordering. My mind starts thinking-how else can I help this person within the small limits that have been set for me? 

I see it when a pt is combative and angry or crying hysterically and everyone brushes them off. Meanwhile my mind is racing-is it a UTI? Maybe they’re tired? I should check and see if their brief needs changing.

I see it in the way I treat every resident a little bit different, approach them all in their own special ways. I observe and I assess, trying to find the best way to get the combative and severely demented resident changed and apply cream to them. Where other CG’s fail and are “refused” I have only even once had to come out and say “they refused.”

Being a CG is not like being a nurse. But I’ve seen where I’ve grown, where that confidence that I lost that made me feel like I wasn’t good enough is back. Being a nurse like I see my parents or my instructor or other nurses being isn’t something I can learn in a year. Developing those assessment skills, seeing those connections and using critical thinking is something you have to develop overtime. Being a CG has taught me all of that but most importantly it has taught me that I AM good enough, that I have what it takes to take care of people, to care about them and their well being and that the skills will take time but that they will come.

[tahthetrickster]

Moondance (mercymaker, T, 1.5k)

i wanted 2 write something extremely soft and extremely gay and Here It Is, Here Is The Soft Domestic Gay Content

read on ao3 here

also just put this on loop in the bg for Maximum Effect

Angela Ziegler was tired.

Perhaps that was too tame a word. The good doctor was frequently tired. Angela now was fucking exhausted, and suffering from a mood drop in the worst sort of way as a result. It was hard to stay chipper with a severe block in her research impeding further progress, and harder still when she'd spent the week with a bad case of insomnia and nightmares besides.

But if there was one skill Dr. Ziegler had picked up from her multiple degrees and diplomas, it was how to overcome a bad mood and severe lack of sleep by way of her trusty coffeepot. She was feeling the effects of the caffeine crash now, though, as she stumbled into her flat too late at night, kicking off her shoes with a world-weary "Fuck."

Too much blood in her caffeine stream, as she'd liked to joke in college.

The swear had garnered some attention. "Angela?" Amélie was standing in the kitchen door now, brow creased with concern. She supposed she looked as bad as she felt. "Are you alright?"

"Feel like shit," she said honestly, allowing herself to be pulled into a comfortable hug. Angela sighed into Amélie's neck, enjoying the contact and the soft lavender scent on her along w—Angela gave a little derisive snort in recognition. "Hm, you've been using my shampoo," she accused halfheartedly, mumbling the words into Amélie's throat.

Amélie chuckled, reaching up to undo Angela's hair tie so she could lightly run her fingers through the mess of blonde waves and curls. "Only because you used the last of mine, chérie."

Angela muttered a half-assed excuse against her, glad that their positions kept Amélie from seeing the guilty blush that touched her face. Amélie laughed nonetheless, pulling away to give her a slow welcome home kiss. "Tell me how I can help," she requested, brushing Angela's bangs back from her face.

"God, I don't know," Angela half-whined. "I'm just tired and frustrated and—" she struggled for words for a moment "—and I feel like shit."

Amélie's eyes glittered, her expression somewhere between sympathy and amusement. "So you've said."

"It sums it up nicely."

"Well," Amélie said through a thinly-veiled chuckle, "let's see what we can do about that."

Angela couldn't even muster up the energy to protest when Amélie swept her off her feet, simply grumbling as she locked her legs about Amélie's waist, her arms about her neck. "I hate when you do that," she huffed, burying her face in Amélie's shoulder. She didn't miss that the position "required" both Amélie's hands on her backside, either.

"I know," was all Amélie said, pressing a chaste kiss to Angela's neck.

She was carried into the living room and deposited carefully on the couch. Amélie disappeared into the kitchen for a moment  and returned with two glasses and a bottle of Angela's favorite rosé. Angela quirked a brow. "You hate this wine." Amélie always complained that it was entirely too sweet to qualify as a "real wine."

"You like it," Amélie said simply, already pouring her a glass. Angela gave a quick little amused exhale and accepted the proffered glass. Amélie poured one for herself as well—considerably less than the amount she'd given Angela, as she'd insisted several times that she'd rather drink paint thinner than the sickly wine, but nonetheless she also knew that Angela hated drinking alone.

Angela was all too willing to let herself be pulled into Amélie's lap then—all too willing to let a deep sigh slip through her lips as Amélie's free hand slid up her back, her neck, before her fingers slid into Angela's hair, lazily running her nails over her scalp. Angela could only purr at the slow, languid scratches. She shivered slightly at an unexpected tingle down her spine, hummed softly, and nuzzled into Amélie's neck again. Amélie's wry chuckle rumbled soft under her lips.

"Ça va? "

Angela huffed out a soft sigh. "I guess." She pressed a soft kiss to Amélie's cool skin, just above her slow pulse. She did feel a little better, at least. The subtle warmth from the wine in her throat and stomach had taken the roughest edge off the stress, at least, and the comfortable, comforting body contact with her girlfriend was rapidly evaporating the remainder of it.

She could handle still feeling poor if at least the stress part was gone.

Amélie gave a skeptical hum. "You don't sound it." She pulled back slightly to steal a soft, chaste kiss. "You haven't smiled once since you got home."

"I am feeling a bit better," Angela clarified, leaning in for another slow, sedating kiss, sighing softly at the sweet wine on Amélie's lips. Amélie's pupils were wide and dark when it ended. "But I do still feel... rough, yes. I'm in a rut, Amélie, can't you let me mope for a bit?" The inquiry was supposed to be joking. It came out petulant.

"Hm... no." Angela rolled her eyes. Amélie chuckled and tapped her on the nose with a single finger. "Fortunately, I have just the thing for ruts."

Angela craned a brow as Amélie carefully eased her from her lap and stood, stretching as she strode to the entertainment center on the far side of the room. She brought up the holoscreen of the small stereo she'd splurged on and began idly scrolling through her music library. Angela just shook her head and poured herself a second glass.

When the speakers came to life, Angela nearly pulled a face at the sound quality. Amélie had the tendency to listen to old music—recorded analog, of all things, for some reason—and this seemed needlessly warbling, even for her.

"Amélie, what in the world?" she snorted as a soft jazz bassline crackled out, piano overlaid over it. Amélie simply offered a rare grin as she crossed back over to her. Angela gave her a peculiar look as Amélie plucked her wineglass from her hand. "This is old even for you. This has to be older than Reinhardt. Why are you playing this— whoa!"

Amélie chuckled softly at the startled noise as she hauled Angela to her feet with a flourish, twirling her once before catching Angela around the waist again, one of Angela's hands in her own.

"Y—no," Angela protested, shaking her head vehemently as Amélie shrugged Angela's free hand onto her shoulder. Her arm tightened around Angela's waist, pulling her close. "Amélie I swear I mean it no you know I can't dance—"

"I'll lead!" Amélie laughed, keeping her hold firm. "Come now, mon ange, don't you trust me?"

"I trust myself to break something if you try to make me dance," Angela warned, reluctantly allowing herself to be lead nonetheless. Amélie was gracious enough to keep the dance simple, an easy one-two-three-four step-and-sway in time with the soft jazzy music she'd selected, and Angela was at length able to keep up passably.

"There you go," Amélie teased softly, stealing a quick kiss, "you're doing fine."

"This barely even counts," Angela countered, trying not to smile. She could only imagine how ridiculous this would look to an outsider: Amélie, still looking infuriatingly perfect and statuesque in yoga pants and a camisole, leading her, hair wild, still dressed in scrubs, her labcoat brown at the sleeve where she'd spilled coffee on herself again, in a dance through their fashionable little living room at god-knows-what-hour, set to music from what had to have been a hundred years old, as their fat black cat watched judgmentally on from his bed nearby—the mental picture was nearly enough to make her laugh.

"No?" Amélie challenged, eyes glittering mischievously. Angela didn't even have time to warn her against whatever she was thinking before Amélie led her in another expert spin and then Amélie had her in a low dip, one arm around her shoulders, her other hand hiking Angela's thigh to her hip, and Angela yelped and grabbed for her girlfriend around the shoulders. "How about now?" Amélie teased, pressing several exaggerated kisses up Angela's throat before kissing her full on the mouth, and the absolute ridiculousness of the entire situation was enough that Angela simply dissolved into a fit of giggles, one hand releasing Amélie's shoulders to cover her face as she tried to stifle her laughter.

"You—god you are so dramatic," Angela tried to scold through her giggles. Amélie picked her back up with ease and Angela could only bury her face in Amélie's shoulder, trying desperately to shut herself up. "Absolutely ridiculous. You are so extra I can't even begin to—" Amélie slipped a finger under Angela's jaw, tilting her head up for another soft kiss, Angela's laughter still stuttering softly against her lips.

"There's that pretty smile," was all Amélie murmured, smiling fondly herself, when Angela shot her a quizzical look. A pretty pink flush touched Angela's face at the admission.

"God, you're such a sap, too," Angela accused lowly, relenting with a smile and tugging Amélie back in.

[pjihoon]

Hi~~ I'm really sorry to bother you! But I saw your gifs in my dash and they're so pretty! I don't even stan wanna one but I just went through your gif tag for so long cause they're so nice 😍 Would you ever share your sharpen / action / topaz or coloring settings or tips? 😊

ahh omg anon thank you so much for your kind words! you’re so sweet

i think i’ll just share generic tips! From each stage of the giffing process. i still have so much i can improve with in giffing, so i’m sorry if i give you super wrong advice ahhh but i hope this helps a little?it got super long so it’s under the read more!!

Downloading Videos

make sure it’s the highest quality video you can get. 1080p is your friend. ok honestly, when i’ve giffed, i havent really noticed a difference in quality between 2k/4k and 1080p? maybe im doing it wrong but honestly the only thing ive noticed is that 2k/4k just slows down my computer drastically and takes up way too much space on a computer that already has like zero space to begin with. so i tend to stick with 1080p. 

Also! if you can get 60fps, thats also nice bc it helps your gifs look smoother.

yaknow how i said 1080p is your friend? well ts files are your best friends/family. if you can torrent them or download the, your gifs will look super pretty. i highly recommend this for live performance gifs. you can find ts files for a lot of shows, but again, since my computer has

kpop24hrs and kpopexciting are two places i go for those live perf ts files! kpop24hrs tends to have more i feel (it’s where i go when i want to gif my rookie groups that dont have too much attention on them)

you can also find torrents on twitter, if you search the right things

Extracting Videos

ok for this, if you have a pc (so like not a mac) i HIGHLY recommend looking into avisynth. there’s this tumblr account named brandinator who i’ve heard gives really awesome tips for avisynth and made it really easy for people to get avisnyth.if youre like me and your stuck with a mac, or if you just want to stick with photoshop then you can read the rest of this

i have photoshop cs5? so my tips are generally based around that. 

for youtube videos (so basically mp4/avi format) i use photoshop’s video extraction feature. file—>import–>video frames to layersif your photoshop is like mine for whatever reason and it doesnt want to recognize mp4 files, then what i do is changed the .mp4 extension to a .avi extension (and its super easy to do on mac….i dont have a pc so idk how different that is) the quality doesnt really change either with that simple changing of the ending it sorta just tricks photoshop i guess lol idunno

when youre on the ‘video frames to layers’ window, make sure you don’t hit the ‘limit to every _____ frames’ bc that makes it lose the smoothness quality of gifs. maybe back when the gif limit was like 1mb that would have been important, but we live in a world of luxury now. so for smoother looking gifs, make sure that box is unchecked. other ppl (pc users i think) tend to use other video extraction softwares. i cant remember the name, but all i remember is that for macs, that software cant extract frames so its useless for us. i think it was kmplayer? not sure. like you can download kmplayer on mac but it doesnt have the same features rip.for ts files, i use vlc player (since ps can’t open it) and sit there and capture each and every frame lol. 

Actually Giffing

here’s where things get a bit interpretive

(im assuming you know how to make a gif since you’ve asked for specific things like sharpening and stuff)

for coloring, 

ive found that not changing the lighting too much of the video youre giffing leads to higher quality stuff…but i also hate not changing the lighting too much which is why a lot of my gifs turn out grainy hahah (my coloring is really centered around how to make the person in the gifs look the most ‘natural’? so that usually involves trying to take out video filters). but yea the gifs in which i didnt change too much with coloring, tended to be my most high quality gifs. 

i don’t use other peoples psds and make my own everytime for each gif, and i only usually just adjust ‘curves’ and ‘exposure’ yea.

if there’s an ugly color background that you want to make look more white, when youre in ‘curve’s, go to each color (red green and blue) and drag the little line thing in the top right corner a little to the left. idk what is actually happening there and why it only really addresses the bg but thats a good way to try to make your bg whiter without actually whitewashing the gif. 

for sharpening

lol sharpening, my enemy. its what i struggle with the most

i use .4 at 500% for smart sharpen

and then for topaz i make sure clean color is at 0 first of all, and i mess around with ‘overall strength’ and ‘reduce blur’ until i get the quality that i wanted. i nvr go higher than .07 strength. 

but an important thing for sharpening i think is deciding when you want to crop the picture? do you crop it before or after the sharpening/topaz? i dunno honestly, but for me ive found that cropping first, and then applying sharpening settings leads to the highest quality (or maybe thats what im used to so it turns out better). 

oh yea i dont resize, i crop instead. i’m not sure if that does anything but when i was first starting i found that resizing made my gifs look more blurry…? and that cropping was nicer to my gifs? i’m not sure if that does anything though lol maybe cropping is worse who knows, but its something ive stuck with ever since ive started

save settings

i’ve recently switched over to diffusion! but sometimes that doenst work out so i use the pattern one. i play around with adaptive/selective to see which one looks better or takes up less space haha

last but not least: pray

i spend a lot of my time praying that my gif will come out good haha bc even if you think you did everything right, once you hit that ‘save for web’ button, it’ll look like the ugliest thing in the world it’s really frustrating. like even when i make a gifset from the same video using the same everything (coloring, sharpening, save settings) one gif will look like trash and the other one will be like the best thing ive ever giffed so its like?? pray