#even though I am REALLY bad at responding to my skype messages

[shadows-of-almsivi]

Have you ever heard about or read journals of mer called Fayrl Indoril? You might find them interesting.

((Oh yes, I’m very familiar. It’s been great watching them grow, Fayrl is a darling and so is his mun.))

[darkcavewriting]

Damaged AF

What a mess I am

It is no secret at all that I am a horribly damaged person. This isn’t something I have been good at hiding or even something I have all that much tried to hide to be honest. Perhaps I have hidden or tried to hide the extent of the damage. Either to people around me or even to myself. I am truly not quite sure. Maybe I was trying to tell myself it wasn’t as bad as it really was. Of course it was that bad, it was most of the time even worse.

Ever since my therapy appointment the about a month ago I have been trying to come up with the words to write about it. It hasn’t been easy. The pain of going back and thinking about that relationship, as many years ago as it was. Even though it only lasted for about 2 years of my life, it has had a profound negative impact on me and who I am. I am a shell of the person I was before I met her, and I am truthfully terrified I will never be close to the person I was before I met her ever again.

Having my therapist tell me that I was lucky to get out of the relationship alive hit me, a whole lot harder than I expected. I hadn’t expected her to say that honestly. Once I had found out about my ex’s diagnosis, I knew that being with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, depression, and the like wasn’t going to be easy on me, but I don’t think I ever fully grasped just how bad it was, or how much worse it could have been still, both for me and for her as well. I didn’t find out about the diagnoses until we had been talking for a while and possibly not till I had already gone to London to visit, I truly don’t remember. All I can say it was after I was already heavily mentally and emotionally invested in everything with her.

I second guess everything anymore. I have anxiety about a lot of things now, before her I would only be anxious sometimes, and usually only if I was in a large crowd in an unfamiliar location. Big crowds in familiar places like airports, stadiums, and the like were never an issue for me. Now I get anxious talking to people, anxious when I feel like people are taking a long time to respond to messages, or it seems like their tone changes. I am horribly anxious that friends, people I have known for years, will just vanish, and stop talking with me. Those fears may have been slightly present before, but they are dramatically worse now, and I utterly hate it. I rarely ever feel calm anymore or at peace, and that sucks. I expect things almost to go from one crisis to another, that is what it seemed like life was like for those two years.

I think a lot of that has to do with perpetually being left on read by her, or getting the silent treatment for hours, or days, when she would take something I said out of context or not listen to my explanation of it and then refuse to speak to me for however long. Also when there was nights she would go out with her friends/roommates and I would hear nothing of her, and would have to check various social media to make sure she was still alive. There was a constant state of worry, especially when there was one night that she did end up in A+E at hospital and I don’t think I ever got a real explanation of why she went there. If I did, I don’t remember, it was either someone spiked her drink, or it was the time she tried to take a ton of pills and kill herself, I don’t really remember. I hate to admit it but so much of that just blurs together. I know there was one night she did get her drink spiked, came home and we talked on Skype and then she had no recollection of it the next day, the whole situation was just a mess.

The fact she threatened to kill herself if I ever left or ended things wasn’t a great thing to be confronted with either. I was walking on eggshells with her all the time. I was never at ease. Whenever I was there in the UK, at Heathrow, and flying back home to the states, she said if I went through security and got on the plane we were done. She knew good and well I couldn’t just leave my job in the states, or my parents, grandparents, etc. It wasn’t like I had any sort of Visa that would allow me to stay and work in the UK and I sure as hell didn’t have enough money to last there more than a few months, nor could she afford to take care of both of us on her part time salary. By the time I got home to the states I would usually have to apologize a ton for leaving and then within a couple days I would hear from her and things would go back to normal, whatever normal was.

On a couple occasions I ended up with a headache from tension/stress/anxiety or whatnot that lasted for weeks on end without going away. I think at the peak I had one that lasted over two months. It wasn’t bad but it was annoying as hell. It never just stopped being there reminding me it was there, and I knew good and well the relationship was the cause of it. I don’t know why I stayed as long as I did. Partially I feel was because I was scared she would go through with killing herself. I didn’t want that hanging on my conscious, even though it wouldn’t have really been my fault, I never would have gotten over it I am sure. Even after she cheated on me, at least once, likely several times, I still couldn’t bring myself to end things, I kept hoping things would get better, and occasionally they did for a little while, and then they went right back to how they were before. It wasn’t great.

It finally ended, she ended it, she met someone else, someone local, and, well that was it. I blocked and deleted her on everything before after a couple weeks when it was obvious she was gone and wanted nothing to do with me anymore and I haven’t heard a word from her in years now. Truthfully no idea if she is still alive.

I should have been responsible and gone into therapy after getting out of the relationship. I didn’t though. Partially because my health insurance at the time wasn’t the best, and I would have had to pay for the first $2,200 or so in fees out of pocket, and also because I really didn’t want to admit to myself exactly how damaged I was after the relationship. Being out of the relationship, I seemed better, I felt better, but as time has gone on, I have shown to myself that I am indeed not better at all. Therapy would have probably done me some good, a lot of good, more good than jumping back into dating about 5 months after things ended. That was not my smartest work, that is for sure. And from that, it is how we got to where I am now still a mess.

There is also the fact that before that relationship there was well ever since I started dating when I was what, 20 I think, nothing but a string of generally bad relationships, one after another, some lasting for a few weeks, some for a few months or a year or so. Only one decent relationship that lasted three or so years and I was stupid enough to end it. I didn’t have any real reason to but I did and in some ways I kind of regret it. She has since gotten remarried (she was married before she met me) she was also 14 years older than me, which, well, yeah, I don’t know it just kind of worked for us. But no, I have had countless crap relationships and an equally high amount of crap sex if I am being honest, and well, lets be honest, it all sucks.

I know also it didn’t help that a couple years after the UK relationship ended my dad died. None of us had any idea how unwell he was, he didn’t know how unwell he was. There was no indication he would be gone so soon. After losing him, I went downhill even more than already was, and the spiral has just kept going since then. I am numb, and unsure of everything, and have just been along for the ride ever since. He was doing poorly for about 4 or 5 months or so. It was some sort of blood infection and that and a handful of other things were listed on the cause of death on the death certificate.

In about a 5 year time period since I moved back home from Reno I lost both grandfathers, my dad, and a co-worker who was like a dad to me in some ways. It hasn’t helped, at all. All of that loss in such a short time period and yeah, there is nothing easy about that whatsoever. Now all that is left is my mom, grandmother, and my aunt, and me. Being an only child and an only grandchild isn’t my idea of a good time. Anymore everything falls to me, and fuck is it exhausting, mentally and physically, and there is no way it is going to get any easier any time soon.

I daydream on the way to work of making a wrong turn, instead of making the turn to get onto the ramp for the bridge to go to work, instead going further north and making the turn onto I-84 East instead and just going, with no real plan, away from here, with whatever is on my person. I am an empty shell of the person I once was. I have so many things I want to do with my life but I feel there is no way I can do them, there is no encouragement, the is no anything here at home pushing me to do the things I want to do. All I want to do is sleep and do mindless things to distract myself from how horribly unhappy I am.

There are a few bright spots at least. I am relieved I am in therapy, and with someone who gets it, between the damage from the past relationship, all the grief and loss, the damage from childhood, the damage from well, everything really. I need to do a lot to heal, need to do a lot to be the version of me that I want to be, the best version of me. There are also a couple really great people I have in my corner who have been a massive help through things, who have been encouraging of me getting better. The worst part is, I am terrified of losing them too thanks to all the trauma, even though I know I wont leave me, my mind thinks I will and that is something I am going to need to somehow unlearn and it isn’t going to be an easy process,

I have a long way to go to get better. I have to somehow start putting myself, my own well being, mental, emotional, physical, first for the first time in probably a decade, and that is going to be a serious challenge. It has to happen, and change though, otherwise I know the stress will send me somewhere I don’t want to be way too soon. Things have to change, and I have to be in charge of those changes, otherwise I am just going to be as miserable going forward as I have been for as long as I can remember.

I mean, I don’t really feel that any aspect of my life has been all that easy, but maybe that is normal, I don’t know. All I do know is that I want to be happier, I want to be better, I just want just be, well, the me that I know or feel that I can be. I don’t know. I lack motivation, I lack the will to work on my many countless projects like I mentioned to you. I know they are there, I know they need to be worked on, and I think about them all the time, yet I don’t actually do anything writing on them, and well, there is the issue.

Thank you for reading this, I know none of it is exactly happy, and it doesn’t paint me in the best of light, but it is who I am, or most of who I am, and well, yeah, I don’t know where I am going from here, but it needs to be somewhere better.

[watchyourbluesturngolden]

Harry forget a special date night with his girl because his ex calls him. He don’t have feelinhs for his ex but he don’t wanna be rude so he answer and forget everything. After a week of silence he give his girl a big suprise to make everything alright

okkkkk this got really long on accident oops :) i wasn’t really sure how i wanted this to go, and i got slightly off track of your request? but i hope you like it!

make it up

warnings: angst, relationship fights

word count: 4k

You huffed in frustration, checking your phone for the tenth time tonight. You wanted to give Harry the benefit of the doubt, you really did. Maybe he was stuck in traffic. Maybe his producer had told him he absolutely had to stay late and finish some last minute work. Maybe he had gotten in an accident and his mangled car was laying at the bottom of a ravine somewhere. Maybe his phone had died.

The more excuses you tried to come up with, the more you realized what had really happened. He had forgotten. He had forgotten the date you had been planning together for weeks now, the one to celebrate the end of his tour. The one he had been talking about constantly, smiling about how excited he was to finally have you to himself for a few hours. Of course, he was incredibly grateful to his entire team and everyone who made his dreams reality, but sometimes he just wanted to sit down to a nice meal with you.

The two of you had barely had a second alone together since he got home a month ago. You had expected things to back to normal soon after he got home, but unfortunate that was far from what happened. You didn’t know there was so much for him to do after the tour was officially over. He still had to attend countless meetings with his team, discussing what things went well and what didn’t. He had to sit through hours and hours of interviews, answering questions that you really didn’t think were important. He just had to do so much; from how little you saw him, it felt like he was still halfway across the world.

The more minutes passed by, the more hope you lost. You had been fully dressed and ready, sitting at the kitchen table for over an hour now. He was supposed to be home at exactly 5, giving him enough time to get ready and make it to the 6:30 reservation at your favorite restaurant.

It was currently 6:10, and there was no sign of him. You had called him three times and sent at least 10 texts. This wasn’t like him. Even when he was busy, he always made time to shoot you a quick text to assure you he was okay and not ignoring you. But not tonight. Tonight, there was complete radio silence. Since Harry wasn’t answering, there was only one other person you knew to contact.

“Y/N, hi! Is everything ok?”

“Hi Sarah! Yeah, I’m fine, why?”

“Well, Harry got a text during one of the meetings. Apparently it was urgent, because he rushed out of there right away. Didn’t even say what it was about. We thought it was you.”

“Uh- no, no I haven’t heard from him at all. When was this?”

“4:30.”

“Oh,” you felt like the wind had been knocked out of you. So he wasn’t ignoring you because he was in a meeting; he hadn’t been in a meeting for almost two hours.

“Y/N, I’m sure there’s a good explanation,” Sarah comforted.

“Maybe,” you bit your lip. “But why is he ignoring me?”

“...I don’t know,” she admitted. “Maybe he’s not by his phone. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about, Y/N.”

“You’re probably right,” you sighed. “Thanks for letting me know.”

“Of course, anytime. Text me when he gets in. He’s an idiot for leaving you out of things, but I still want to make sure he’s ok.”

“I know how you feel,” you smiled sadly. “I will. Goodnight.”

-----

“So, I think the biggest thing we need to figure out is the merchandise. Harry, if you could get a head start on picking colors, maybe thinking of designs? Or if you could-”

She was cut off by Harry’s phone dinging loudly. He sighed silently in relief, smiling apologetically as he pulled it out of his pocket. He had been trying to pay attention, he really had. He just couldn’t concentrate on anything. All he could thing about was how he would be home soon, kissing the love of his life and finally having some time together with you. He could tell his absence had been hard on you, even though you tried to convince him you were ok. He knew it hadn’t been easy for you, because it had been absolute torture for him. He loved touring, he truly did. He loved the adrenaline rush of performing for thousands of people. He loved traveling; seeing new things and meeting ne people. He loved his job. But it was incredibly difficult to be away from you for so long. He hated not being able to hold you whenever he felt like it. He hated waking up alone in a different country every week. He hated only getting to see you for a few hours on a Skype call every week. He hated being in a different time zone, constantly playing phone tag and replying to messages hours after they had been sent.

So, when his phone went off, he reached for it quickly, hoping to see a text from you. He was unpleasantly surprised.

Lucille: We need to talk

Harry frowned. He hadn’t heard from his ex girlfriend in almost a year, since before he met you. They had broken up even before that, but they had remained friends. He quickly texted back.

Harry: Is everything ok?

Lucille: it’s urgent. Meet met at the coffee shop?

Harry knew exactly what place she was referring to. The quaint little shop had been their favorite place when they were together. It was fairly secluded from the street and not well known, so Harry wouldn’t be hounded by fans and paparazzi.

Harry: I’m in a meeting, and I’m not free tonight. Are you ok?

Lucille: it’s an emergency. Please come right now.

Harry’s eyes went wide. He didn’t still have feelings for her, but she was a friend. He didn’t know what was wrong, but he would feel awful if something bad happened and he had refused to help.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when Mitch spoke.

“Harry, what happened? Is it Y/N?”

“Uh- I have to go,” Harry said, abruptly standing up and leaving the room.

-----

“Lucille?” He asked, looking around the little shop.

“Harry, I’m so glad you came,” she smiled up at him from their table in the back corner. He made his way over to her, concern on his face.

“Did something happen? Are you ok?”

“I’m fine, I just... I need to talk to you.”

“Lucille, why would you do that? I thought something horrible happened,” Harry sighed, sitting in the seat across from her.

“I didn’t think you’d come if you weren’t worried,” she explained, stirring her coffee.

Harry resisted the urge to roll his eyes. She had always been dramatic, and not in a good way.

“What is it then? Why do you need to talk to me?”

She didn’t respond, she just pushed the second coffee cup toward him.

“It’s your favorite,” she smiled.

“Thanks,” he took a small sip, grimacing slightly. His taste had changed since he met you. He couldn’t stand black coffee anymore. He reached for a sugar packet, ignoring the shocked look on her face as he mixed it into the dark liquid.

“Really, Lucille, why am I here?”

She sighed, setting down the stir stick.

“I think you know why.”

“I really don’t,” he said sincerely, looking up from his cup. “You said it was an emergency, but you seem completely fine.”

“I’m not fine, Harry. I’m in love.”

“That’s good!” he said, completely misunderstanding the look on her face. “I’m glad you’ve found someone.”

“No, Harry,” she sighed. “I’m in love... with you.”

He drew back, slightly shocked at her words. “What do you mean?”

“Exactly what I said. I’m still in love with you, and I think you love me too.”

“Lucille-“

She cut him off. “No, Harry listen. Why would you come here if you weren’t? Why would you drop everything, leave a meeting, and come to a random coffee shop to meet me? You said you weren’t free tonight, but here you are.”

“Because you’re my friend!” He exclaimed. “You said it was an emergency, I couldn’t just ignore you. But I’m with Y/N, and we are very happy together. Speaking of her...”

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, wincing when he saw the time.

5:37. Y/N’s going to kill me.

“Lucille, I have to go. I was supposed to be home at 5.” He stood up, ready to rush home. He felt terrible for being late and he prayed he would be able to move their reservation back an hour or two.

“Oh, so she’s that controlling?” She asked, her voice laced with condescension.

“No,” he quickly shut her down. “We have plans tonight.”

Her face fell and she looked crushed. “Please don’t leave.”

“Lucille-“

“Please,” her voice lowered to a whisper and she looked like she was about to cry. He sighed, sinking back into his seat.

“What do you want from me?”

“I want you to love me,” she looked quickly with tears on her face. “Like you used to.”

“I’m sorry, Lucille. We broke up. We aren’t together anymore. I’m with Y/N now,” he repeated his sentence from earlier. He pulled out his phone again, ready to text Y/N that he would be a few minutes late. He knew she would be upset, but at least she would know he was okay. His plan was wrecked, however, when his phone didn’t light up immediately. He tried again, jaw clenching when he realized it was dead.

“Ok, I really have to go. I can’t text Y/N to let her know I’m okay, so she’ll be worried.”

“Don’t!” She cried out, getting the attention of the few others in the shop. “She’s not as good as me. She doesn’t love you like I do! I’m better than her.”

Harry took a deep breath, trying very hard to stay calm. “Don’t speak about her like that.”

“It’s true! We were so good together, Harry, don’t you remember?” She leaned forward, grasping his hand in hers. “Don’t you want that back?”

“No,” he pulled away. “I don’t. I love Y/N. I’m sorry if that upsets you, but it’s the truth, and I have to go.”

She grabbed him again, her sad face turning angry. “You will regret leaving me, Harry. I know all your secrets. I can spill things that will ruin you.”

“What, you’re blackmailing me into breaking up with Y/N?”

“Yes,” she said smugly.

“Fine. Do it. I don’t care.”

Her face fell. “What do you mean?”

“Ruin my reputation. I have Y/N, someone who loves me for who I really am, and not what the press is saying about me. That’s something you two don’t have in common. Now if you’ll excuse me,” he stood up, her hand falling away. “I have somewhere to be.”

-----

You had given up. You had changed out of your dress and into your pajamas. You were sitting on the couch, holding a book that you weren’t really reading. You were just waiting for Harry to come back. He better have a really good explanation.

Just then, you heard his key in the lock of the door. You sat up straighter, not taking your eyes off the book. You didn’t respond when you heard him call your name. You kept your head down, eyes glued to the book.

“Y/N,” he said, cautiously walking toward you. “I’m so sorry.”

“You’re alive, then?” You said quietly, not looking at him.

“I’m sorry-”

You didn’t let him finish. You stood up, still not looking at him as you walked out of the room. He followed you as you made your way up the stairs and to the guest room.

“Y/N, what are you-”

“I’m sleeping in here tonight,” you said, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind you.

You heard a quiet knock on the door before his voice came again. “Please open the door.”

“Just leave me alone, Harry,” you said, pulling back the covers and climbing into the bed.

You hadn’t locked the door, but you realize you probably should have when you heard it softly click open.

“Go away,” you sighed, laying on your side and facing away from him.

“Please let me explain,” he said, sounding desperate.

“Not right now.”

“Y/N, just-”

“Harry,” you said harshly, cutting him off. “Please. Leave me alone.”

-----

The next few days were very unpleasant. You refused to speak more than three words to Harry. It was all one word answers and leaving the room as soon as he walked in.

You wouldn’t even stay in your bed with him at night. He had tried pulling you into your shared room, begging because “I can’t sleep without you.” You refused, pulling away from him and locking yourself in the guest room. Then he had tried following you in there, looking devastated when you pushed him out.

Finally, Harry had had enough. He couldn’t handle not being able to talk to the love of his life. He needed to talk to you. He needed to tell you all the minuscule details of his day, from what flavor muffin he had for breakfast to what color shoes Mitch had worn that day. He needed to hug you and kiss you and ask you what you wanted for dinner. Most of all, he needed to sleep next to you. He couldn’t take this anymore. He had to take Benadryl every night because he literally could not fall asleep without you.

He knew what he had to do. It’s not like this was some last minute thing, either. He had been planning this for months, since before he left for his tour. There was just a lot of finalizing to do before he could show you. He couldn’t wait anymore, though, so he picked up his phone and called his real estate agent.

-----

Harry followed you into the guest room before you could manage to shut the door behind you.

“Get out,” you said, not looking at him.

“No.”

This made you look up. So far, he had completely respected your wish for privacy, but apparently not anymore.

“Fine, then stay in here, but I’m leaving,” you went back to the door, but he grabbed your wrist before you could open it. You turned around, yanking your arm out of his grasp.

“What do you want?” You asked in frustration.

“I want to talk to you.”

“I don’t think there’s much to say, Harry. You forgot. You were excited- I was excited for this dinner, we were planning it for weeks. Then you forgot. You came home three hours late and you didn’t even let me know if you were ok. You could have been hurt or something, and I wouldn’t have known!”

“My phone died!” He defended himself.

“You could have used someone else’s! Where were you anyways?”

“I was with Lucille,” he said, looking very guilty.

“Oh, lovely! You stood me up to hang out with your ex. That’s just great.”

“That’s not what happened! Will you just let me explain?”

“Fine,” you crossed your arms over your chest.

“I- I have to show you something first.”

Your face twisted in confusion. “What is it?”

“Uh- you have to come with me.”

“No, Harry. Tell me.”

“I can’t,” he said sincerely. “It’s- please trust me, and come with me.”

“Trust you? What reason have you given me to trust you?”

“Y/N, please.”

“Alright,” you sighed. “Where is it?”

“We have to drive there.”

“Harry, it’s ten o’clock at night. I’m not going anywhere right now.” You narrowed your eyes. “You just want to get me in the car so I can’t walk away!”

“No- well, that’s an added bonus, but I promise, I really do have a place to show you.”

You rolled your eyes, dropping your arms back to your sides. “Fine. Do I need to get dressed?”

“No, you’re totally fine,” he promised, looking down at his hoodie you were wearing. Even when you were completely pissed at him, you still wore his clothes. This brought a small smile to his face.

“Come on,” he held out his hand, not wanting to make the first move and upset you. You hesitantly took it, allowing him to lead you out of the house and into the car.

-----

You pulled up in front of the nicest house you had ever seen. The front was illuminated with lanterns and there was a large stone fountain capturing your attention.

“Where are we?” You asked, your confusion momentarily covering your anger.

“Come on,” he ignored your question, climbing out of the car and coming around to open your door. He helped you out, not letting go of your hand when you stood up straight. He walked you closer, an excited smile lighting up his face.

“Harry, seriously, what are we doing here?”

He still didn’t answer. He reached into his pocket, pulling out a key. Your eyes went wide as you began to understand what was going on.

He swung the door open, pulling you inside. You squinted, trying to see where you were as your eyes tried to adjust to the sudden darkness.

His hand found the light switch, flicking it on and washing both of you in the glow of the huge chandelier. You turned to him, your eyes still wide.

“Harry... what did you do?”

Suddenly he looked very shy. He scratched the back of his neck, avoiding your gaze as he looked around the huge room.

“I... kind of... bought a house.”

“You did what?” You sputtered. “You bought this house?”

“I did,” he smiled.

You narrowed your eyes. “Did you buy a house just so I won’t be mad at you anymore? Because if you did, that was the stupidest-“

“No!” He cut you off. “No, that’s not why. I’ve been looking for a long time. A really long time. I’ve had my eye on this one for a few months now, I just figured... this could help me make it up to you.”

You were silent for a few seconds, staring into his eyes. He held his breath, not knowing what was going through your head.

“Are you crazy?”

“A little,” he laughed. “Are you... are you mad? About the house?”

“No,” your face softened when you saw how nervous he looked. “I’m not.”

“That’s good,” he blew out a big breath in relief. “Because it’s, like, 100% ours now. Not much I could’ve done if you were mad about it.”

“Which is why,” you smacked his shoulder. “You’re supposed to house shop with the person you’re going to be living with.”

“I know, everything’s just been so crazy lately. I knew you were stressed and I didn’t want to make anything worse.”

“That’s very thoughtful of you,” you said, stepping closer to him. You hesitantly brought your arms up to wrap around him.

He seemed just as hesitant as you. He hovered his arms above your back, not sure where to put them. You pressed your face into his chest, inhaling his cologne and pressing against him. You hadn’t hugged him in so long. When he felt you relax, he finally put his arms down and hugged you back.

When you finally pulled away, there were tears in your eyes. His face became concerned again, bringing up his hand to wipe his thumb along your waterline.

“Why are you crying?” He asked softly, keeping one arm latched around you like he was scared you would run away.

“Because I’ve been awful to you the past couple of days. I shouldn’t have been so mad in the first place, I should have just listened to you and let you-“

“Wait a minute,” he cut you off. “You had every right to be angry. I promised you I would be home on time. Then I wasn’t, and I didn’t let you know. I was in the wrong here.”

“Maybe, but you didn’t deserve to be treated like I treated you. I never even let you explain where you were.”

“Do you want me to?” He asked.

“If you want to,” you exhaled shakily, trying to contain your tears.

“Like I said before, I was with Lucille- which I know sounds really bad, but just let me explain, yeah?”

You nodded, pulling away and taking his hand. You brought him over to one of the couches in the living room, pushing him gently to sit with his back against the armrest. His legs splayed out across the cushions, and you settled between them with your back against his chest. You leaned your head back, soothed by his rhythmic breathing.

“I was in a meeting and I was bored out of my mind. I got a text and I thought it was you, so I checked it. But it wasn’t you, it was Lucille. She said it was urgent , she needed to see me right then. I told her I couldn’t because I was busy but she kept saying it was an emergency. I didn’t think I could just ignore her, because what if something terrible happened? So I left the meeting and went to the coffee shop. She told me...”

You looked up at his face when he stopped talking. “She told you what?”

“She... said she loves me,” he explained, looking upset. “She freaked out, told me she “knew I loved her too” and that “we could be together again”.

“What... what did you say?” You asked, your voice a little shaky. You knew Harry loved you, but he had been with Lucille for over a year. It didn’t help knowing that Lucille was a beautiful model.

“I told her I was in love with you,” he said quickly, seeing the panic on your face. “I reminded her that she and I broke up a long time ago, and that I’m with you now.”

You relaxed a little, leaning against him again. “Bet she loved hearing that.”

“Oh yeah,” he laughed. “She actually tried to blackmail me into leaving you.”

“What?”

“Yeah, she said if I don’t leave you she’ll spill all my secrets and ruin my reputation.”

“What are you going to do?” You asked worriedly, sitting up to look at him.

“Nothing,” he shrugged.

“What do you mean nothing? Harry, you dated for over a year! What does she have against you?”

“Honestly, not much that I know of. I don’t exactly have any deep dark secrets,” he smiled.

“I guess,” you bit your lip. “Still.”

“Well, what would you suggest I do?” He joked. “Sue her?”

“Maybe, yeah. Defamation and all that.”

“Oh, definitely, I think that’s the way to go.”

“Absolutely,” you laughed, before a serious look came over your face again. “I’m really sorry.”

“No, don’t-“

“Listen to me,” you said, looking into his eyes. “I was wrong to treat you so badly. You didn’t deserve that and I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “Will you forgive me?”

“Of course,” you leaned against him again, wrapping your arms around his neck. “Let’s never fight again, ok?”

“Ok,” he smiled. “Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve not been sleeping at all the past three nights, and I’m about ready to collapse. This house is fully furnished. What do you say we go find our bed?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

[hawksky]

JJK Characters as the weird ways me and my friends have found ourselves in relationships

A/N: everyone except me is still in the relationship so lmao... the scenario is one for one exactly what happened to me and my friends, the description is either what happened or embellished to fit the character, length also depends on how much I know of the details djkshd sorry also somewhat funny but mostly cute content, i’ll be back to memeing next time but fuck gege and everything post anime at this point me and the babes need comfy content

ft. Nanami, Geto, Gojo, and Yuji (+ Nobara and Megumi) GN!reader I’m pretty sure (lmk if i missed something)

cw: alcohol 

Literally in the pandemic, matched on ~ small town ~ bumble, the true miracle is you are actually coworkers on different floors (this is the second coworker you matched with, the first one did NOT work out)

Nanami

It’s funny bc Nanami wasn’t even looking for a relationship, his job is hard, relationships are difficult, he just needs to blow off some steam and it’s the pandemic he’s trying to minimize harm, and someone who has the same exposure as him just makes sense (even if it conflicts with his aversion to dating coworkers, at least you’re on different floors)

But I mean c’mon it’s YOU and HIM, you try and pretend it’s casual for a couple dates, but that goes out the window quickly and you text your friends freaking out like “okay wait what am I doing I think I actually really like this guy”

Your work is a pretty gossipy place and for some reason it feels like greys anatomy with everyone dating and sleeping with each other but you guys don’t want that so you try for a really long time to keep it quiet and hidden from your coworkers

Some people eventually find out and you do your best to cover it up but you freak out thinking he’s going to be so mad because of how private he is but he assures you everything is fine, and even if people didn’t believe your cover up everything will be fine

You guys are already friends and have semi overlapping friend groups. You go on trip with your friends for Spring Break, they separately planned a spring break trip with their friends to the same place as you. You guys get some one-on-one time and end up cuddling. You return to uni and start dating.

Geto (unofficially Gojo too because my friend here is more like him)

Geto was really excited for the trip he planned with his roommate, and while on the trip he found out you were going to be there with your friends and I mean all of you guys are friends it only makes sense to hang out for at least some of the time?? let’s pretend he doesn’t have a massive crush on you and isn’t looking to spend more time with you in a really cool place

but then you’re hanging out really late and it doesn’t make sense for you to go back to your airbnb so you guys just decide to watch movies while everyone else is asleep and you end up cuddling and talking all night

Some of his other close friends are so confused at first because he doesn’t tell them anything, you first meet them when you go over to Gojo and Shoko’s apartment to play Mario Party

They looooove you and the shit you give him, they think you guys are so perfect for each other

You guys are involved in the same on campus activity, you start as friends but your conversations that started as regular banter turn to flirty banter very quickly, but it stays like that for a while so you get drunk at a club and impulsively text  “so are we gonna date or nah” and they call you and tell you to come over

Gojo

Look Gojo can flirt. Gojo can be your friend. Gojo doesn’t know what to do with real feelings. So he texts your mutual friends about how cute you are and how unsure he is about actually pursuing things, he’s worried about whether you’d really like him or if he’s good for you 

Your mutual friends are TIRED of seeing it and know how you’re not sure how to feel about him honestly, so they leak his texts

You are on a bender of going out every night for a week for the fun of it (no bad relationship with alcohol here), armed with the confidence of liquor and also the knowledge that he definitely wants you, you drunkenly text him while at a club

He tries calling you multiple times, eventually you go out to the clubs rooftop and he tells you to come over

you cuddle and talk for a while before going to sleep (you make fun of his room)

BONUS: while at the end of the year event for your club you meet and hang out with these two girls who introduce themselves as Shoko and Utahime, you’ve never met them before but upon hearing your name they say excitedly “OH we know who you are, we’ve heard plenty about you”

You meet in a Facebook meme group. Deadass. You long distance date and marry for 2 years before having a wedding as they move to your country.

Yuji

A tinder guy you went on a date with and are kinda friends? with adds you to a meme group, the group is pretty small and has no real discernible theme, it’s really a close group of friends that made a meme group and the membership kept spirally out of people adding their friends

You really enjoy the memes though so you actively comment and post your own even though the vibes are so weird

You and Yuji start replying to each others posts and comments so you end up adding each other on SNAPCHAT

After a couple of weeks of you going on failed tinder dates and snapping Yuji, who you think is super cute, you guys start having skype calls. Which quickly becomes literally every night skype calls falling asleep together, it takes like two weeks before he’s tipsy on skype telling you he loves you

Some of your friends are really skeptical of everything going on, and honestly you lose some friends to lack of support, but your closest friends stand by you and end up becoming really close friends with him as well.

You guys get married to get started on his immigration process, and a year later you have a full wedding to celebrate him moving to your country and have all your loved ones together

Honourable Mentions:

Nobara as a girl you meet on exchange, who is wishy washy for so long about whether you are in relationship or should continue it after the exchange is over. Eventually you start making the plans to come visit and get a work visa.

Megumi as the boy you meet at a party who you think is really cool, you add on facebook and he is really bad at responding quickly, literally takes a full day to respond, but he always responds in very long paragraphs and addresses every part of your message. 

@sandyscastle​ @nokkusu​

[an-aura-about-you]

so here’s a fun story: I had been getting some texts from an unknown number on and off since last November. All of them have been pretty generic, usually emoji clusters or impersonal seasonal greetings. Harmless enough stuff that I had guessed was from a wrong number or a shy acquaintance.

Until today.

See, I had asked about this number when the texts started, checking with my sibling if they knew what number it was. They said it looked like the number of one of our mother’s friends at her Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I was like, “Well that’s a bit weird but ultimately harmless.” And there was also the possibility that the texts were meant for a man named Gary since he somehow has the same number? I don’t know what the deal is with that, maybe his number is one off of mine or something, but I’ve received calls and texts meant for him before and apparently he’s also received calls meant for me. In hindsight, I really should have blocked the number back then, but I try not to do that unless they give me a reason. And boy howdy did they ever today.

The text I got today was definitely about me. Whoever was texting knew I recently had a birthday, though I initially guessed they didn’t know the exact date since that was almost three weeks ago, and how old I was. And in all this time they never introduced themselves and I never responded.

I got pretty scared at this point, thinking over how open I am with my info but still wondering who had my phone number and would text me like that. I may be an open book, but I’m not handing my phone number out like candy. But thankfully, before I started to freak out too bad, I decided to text Dad about the number. It’s not the first time a family member like an aunt or an uncle has texted me out of the blue, though it’s the first time they’ve done so without introducing themselves.

And Dad said the number was my mother’s.

For those who are new around here, I chose to estrange myself from my mother due to a childhood and young adulthood full of emotional abuse resulting in a toxic relationship. I haven’t spoken to her or willingly been in her presence in well over a decade by this point. And while my life is no longer dominated by the fear she instilled in me or the anger at how she mistreated me, I don’t plan on trying to have a relationship with her now or anytime in the near future.

It’s just... how is this a logical move? Who would see an anonymous text that unambiguously tells them the sender has information on them and think, “Yes, this is a person I definitely want to talk to; we shall surely be the best of friends!”???? I was legit considering calling some kind of authorities about this depending on Dad’s answer.

Skipping past the bad idea of my mother sending me texts in the first place, why on earth would she send me a text about my birthday three weeks after the fact? I mean, she was there when it happened. She SHOULD know when it is. And even if she could somehow forget that, my birthday is still super easy for my family to remember because it’s the day before Dad’s birthday. Was it to throw off my suspicion? Because I will admit that worked for a moment, but it just made the whole thing creepier! This is like when this guy at work I had never spoken to outside of occasionally saying, “Hello,” on the elevator got my name off my badge and started trying to flirt with me on Skype! (fyi he’s probably the reason our work badges don’t have names on them anymore and thank goodness for that. fuck that asshole!)

I don’t know if this is worth mentioning, but another thing that threw suspicion off my mother is me thinking she didn’t text or at least didn’t like to text. I guess she must have figured it out at some point and thought I’d be more amiable to that. And I guess she was technically right, but mainly because I was working under the notion I was receiving well-meaning texts from a wrong number who would be told by the correct recipient that they hadn’t got the message. And like I said, her texts were mostly emoji clusters and impersonal seasonal greetings. To paraphrase our good friend Strong Bad, it feels like she’s finally hit the Information Superhighway like a flaming sack of crap.

It all just boggles the mind, and if I didn’t write it down I’m sure I would just stew on it. Hell, since I’m still in the process of writing, it’s hard to tell if I might just stew on it anyway or not since I’m still thinking on it. But the number is blocked, I’m pretty good emotionally speaking, and my brain is just about exhausted on trying to wrap itself around the why of the matter.

[nerdforestgirl]

Note: This is for the only person I know who ships Raj and Anu as much as I do.  Happy birthday, @platypus-quacks-too

Anu missed Raj. When he broke things off with her because of the long distance thing, she was upset, but it made sense. Raj had roots in Los Angeles. His job was there. His friends were there. Anu hoped he loved her enough to move, but it wasn’t all together that surprising that he didn’t. What did surprise Anu was that she loved Raj enough to still miss him all these months later. Though, she knew exactly why she was feeling this way. It was the headline she saw while scrolling through her newsfeed. The Nobel ceremony included two familiar faces.

Anu’s job brought her into contact with all kinds of celebrities, but she had never known someone as a friend who then went on to do something so noteworthy. She thought about emailing Amy her congratulations. Would that be appropriate? She didn’t see anything wrong with it. It wasn’t like things with Raj had ended badly. They just ended.

“You’ll never guess who emailed me,” Amy told Raj when she ran into him at work a couple days later.

“My dad? I think he’s had a weird crush on you since you hosted Christmas that time. He asks about you a lot. Like, almost weekly,” Raj told Amy.

“Really?” Amy asked, distracted by this news. She would have assumed that he was more into Penny. Anyway, it was not Raj’s dad who got in contact. Amy got back to the point. “No. Anu heard about the win, so she emailed. She said if we ended up in London, we should stop by her hotel. She said she could hook us up. She also asked about you, and I wanted to see what you wanted me to say.”

“Anu?” Raj checked. He suddenly got a little sad. He didn’t think he made the wrong choice to stay in Los Angeles, but he often thought of what might have been if he had gone to be with her. He missed her frequently. He was certain that they would be engaged again by now if she hadn’t left.

“Yeah. Should I tell her about your hot new girlfriend or should I tell her the truth?” Amy joked.

“Tell her I’m doing well, I guess.” He didn’t know what else to say.

Amy nodded and walked away.

Raj wasn’t sure he wanted to just pass messages along through Amy. He felt a little like reaching out to Anu himself. He hadn’t seen her in months other than when he helped arrange for her apartment to be packed up and either put into storage, sold, or shipped to her in London. After that they decided a clean break was best.

Raj checked the time. It wasn’t too late in London yet, so he clicked on Anu’s name on Skype. He figured that she wouldn’t answer anyway. Then he saw her smiling face, and his heart skipped a beat.

“Hey, Raj. Is everything okay?” Anu asked. She didn’t expect a call from him, but maybe Amy mentioned that she asked about him.

“Yeah. I... um... I was talking to Amy, and she said you reached out. I thought that was nice.” Raj realized that he didn’t have a reason to call. He felt so stupid. She probably didn’t even want to hear from him. He did choose all of his friends over her.

“Yeah, it’s incredible that they won!” Anu started. “I mean, I heard all about it at the time, but I’ve never known someone who won a Nobel. I am so glad those other guys didn’t get their feet in the do—“

“I miss you!” Raj cut her off mid sentence.

“Oh,” Anu said in shock. “I need to go.” Anu disconnected the call.

Raj smacked himself in the head. He felt so stupid. Anu was happy in her life, and here he was inserting himself into her life again. He decided to just go home for the day. He felt more heartbroken than the day he told Anu that he wasn’t coming.

Anu didn’t want to hear that Raj missed her. She was glad to hear from him, but she in no way wanted to hear that he missed her. She didn’t want to feel like it was a mistake to take her dream job. She still loved this job. Even more so than when she first got it. Nothing would be changed from when they first broke up. There was no good in missing him.

While Raj sat at home alone, he made a series of questionable decisions. First, he looked at the prices of flights. Then he looked at how many vacation days he had left in addition to the ones he was using for Stockholm. Then he called his brother Ashish who lived in London who seemed more than happy to host him for a couple days. At least Raj would get to see his little brother while he willingly broke his own heart.

Raj planned to call Anu to tell her he was coming, but he never found the words. Instead, he was on an international flight without ever telling Anu he was coming. He wasn’t even sure why he was going or what he was going to say. He just knew that he couldn’t leave things the way he had. He wanted to at least say goodbye in person. He supposed that was all he really had planned.

“Hello, may I speak to your manager?” Raj asked the woman at the front desk at the hotel where Anu worked.

“I’m sorry, sir. Are you a guest of the hotel? Have you had a problem?” the young woman working the desk asked with concern.

“No. No problems. I am a friend of Anu’s and I need to talk to her for a minute.”

“You’ve just missed her. She went home for the day.”

Raj sighed. He knew he had two more days in London, so he still had time to track her down. He would go on to Ashish’s flat and regroup. This wasn’t the end of the world. Raj thanked the girl behind the desk and turned to leave. That’s when he saw her.

“Emma, can you believe I forgot my—Raj?” Anu said as she walked towards them. Her gait slowed when she saw him. She almost thought she was hallucinating. What would Raj be doing here?

“Hi,” Raj said. He was glad he was able to say anything. Anu was the only person to give him enough butterflies to make that selective mutism pop back up.

“What are you doing here?” Anu asked.

“I wanted to see you,” Raj admitted. “I thought it would be harder for you to hang up on me this way,” he added with a weak smile.

Anu returned the smile. She put up a finger and went into the back to get the binder she had come back for. When she was alone in the office, she had a little panic attack now that she was alone in her office where she could give herself freedom to do so. Then she collected herself and went back out.

“Hi, Raj. Let’s go,” Anu said with none of the anxiety she felt coming through.

Raj nodded, grabbed his bag, and followed.

Anu walked fast, but Raj stayed right with her. Though he spent too much time looking at her to pay any attention to where he was going. When they stopped fifteen minutes later, he had no idea where he was. Anu opened the door to a pub and pushed him in.

“This isn’t funny,” Anu told him when they got to a table.

“I never thought it was. Like I said when I called you, I miss you. I thought it would be helpful to see you and get some real closure.”

“Oh. So, this isn’t some desperate attempt to get me back?” Anu asked.

“No. Well, maybe. I’m not sure what it is. It felt right.”

Anu didn’t know what to say about that. Instead she got up and ordered a drink. It was a lot to take in.

“I am not coming back to Los Angeles for you,” told him when she returned with two pints.

“I know, and I don’t want to move to London right now. I’m not ruling it out ever, but I’m not moving across the world for someone who keeps breaking up with me.”

Anu laughed. “You broke up with me this last time.”

“True enough.”

“So, we aren’t getting back together again? No Love Actually signs in your pocket?”

Raj shrugged. He asked about Anu’s new job to change the subject and because he was actually curious. Then they talked about everything other than their situation until far too late into the night. Even though they stayed out late, they didn’t drink all that much. They both had pretty clear heads as they left the pub.

“Do you have a place to stay?” Anu asked as they walked out.

“My brother has a flat a few kilometers from here. No need for you to put me up in your hotel,” Raj told her.

“I wasn’t thinking about my hotel,” Anu said as she ran her hand down Raj’s arm. She logically knew that it was a bad idea, but she hadn’t been on a single date since Raj. She was trying to focus on herself. Still, Raj was here. He was cute. She wanted to take him home.

“What—oh! You mean your place. Yeah. I can blow off my brother tonight. Let me just text him so he doesn’t worry,” Raj said while Anu started to get them a taxi back to her place.

The next morning, Raj woke up to Anu telling him to get up and get out. She needed to get to work.

“We need to talk more,” Raj said.

“We don’t. I need to get to work. Go see your brother,” Anu said.

Raj was crushed as he made his way to Ashish’s flat. It wasn’t that he just felt used for sex by Anu, but he felt like they had really connected again last night. Now he was out on his ear again. And he still didn’t get his closure.

Still, Raj enjoyed seeing his little brother for the day. They went to the Harry Potter studio tour and The London Eye and a bunch of silly tourist stuff that Ashish never did on his own. As they headed to dinner, Raj got a text. It was from Anu. He hoped that meant that he would get to see her again.

“Long Distance? I’ll be in LA in a month. You can come visit me too. We could try it?”

“You want to do this over text?” Raj asked Anu.

“No, but I can’t stop thinking about you. Maybe we can make this work. I don’t want to give up yet. Last night reminded me of a lot of things I’ve been missing.”

“How about I take you to dinner, and we’ll talk about it in person,” Raj offered.

“This is going to take a lot of rules and planning. It’s going to be hard.”

“How about a written document laying it all out?” Raj was getting an idea. He messaged Sheldon asking for his help. It took less than ten seconds before Sheldon wrote back agreeing.

“That sounds ridiculous, but it’s not the worst idea,” Anu agreed.

Then Raj got another text from Anu before he could respond to the last one.

“Why am I getting emails from a Nobel laureate asking me about our sex life?”

Raj checked his email, and there were three surveys about plans and sex and love languages. Knowing Sheldon, this was just the beginning.

“He’s a little thorough, but you can’t argue with his results. He and Amy have been together for eight years, and Leonard and Penny’s relationship improved a lot when he wrote one for them.”

“Fine. Pick me up in 45 minutes for dinner.”

Raj agreed and canceled dinner with his brother. Then he opened one of the surveys that Sheldon sent. Raj had no idea this was why he flew to London on a whim, but the smile making his cheeks hurt told him it was definitely the right choice.

[yeontanismypresident]

A Forever Thing | myg

a/n: this is part one of a wedding series i’m collabing on! i really really really love this piece and hope you do as well. i apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes. i didn’t have any time to edit it. enjoy~ oh wait also i was listening to cute wedding songs while writing this and it made me want to marry yoongi and then have cute children and have yoongi teach them the piano  🥺 and maybe have him pick up the piano and kill me with it 🥺🥺🤙🏻

ask to be tagged in future fics here!!

word count: 4,685

genre: slight angst, fluff fluff fluffff!!!!!!!!!

warnings: panic attack,

Yoongi was sat on the couch, face blank and posture laid back, while the rest of his band members were freaking out. His eyes observed their reactions; the maknae line were confused by the sudden news, while the hyung line were freaking out. What brought this on? Why was he suddenly leaving their world tour. Seems like they all had the same thought for Jin spoke up. 

“Why are you leaving? What brought this on?” Jin asked the younger, voice questioning and stern. Yoongi caught his eyes, before he looked away with a vacant expression, thinking back to an hour ago when he was skyping you and how this mess came about. 

Yoongi gazed at you with adoration shining bright in his eyes, his gummy smile making those very eyes crinkle whilst his round cheeks blossom in color. God, he loved you so much and he wished you knew that. You mean the absolute world to him and he had the strongest desire to grant your every wish. As he studied your form, laughing when you yelled at the character on the TV screen, he could feel himself falling in love with you. He was so grateful he met you three years ago, even more appreciative you stuck by him through all the rumors, tours and hardships. He was shaken from his thoughts by your distraught sound, eyes focusing in on how you were glaring at your phone, a scowl on your pretty face. 

He cocked his head, eyebrows furrowing, “What’s wrong, baby?” It was silent, your eyes not even leaving the cell phone’s screen to acknowledge you heard him. His lips formed a pout, arms crossing his chest and slumping down in the hotel desk chair. Why weren’t you paying him any attention? Leaning in towards his screen, he could faintly hear what sounded like an interview playing on Youtube, more specifically their interview from earlier in the day. The one where he clearly stated that he di-

“Yeah, I don’t really care for marriage and I don’t really see it in my future. I’m not the serious relationship type of guy,” his words came nonchalantly, not even giving it a second thought, as if you wouldn’t see it when it was released. 

Yoongi shut his eyes, the events repeating over and over in his mind. How he said it without a care in the world, as if he wasn’t in a serious relationship with the love of his life, the very woman he wanted to marry. Sure, in the beginning he didn’t consider settling down for good, since he saw marriage as a piece of paper, but when you had discussed the idea with stars in your eyes, he knew he would go through with it. He would do anything as long as it made you happy. 

Your monotonous tone made him open his eyes, only to see you with an expressionless face, “So, you’re not the ‘serious relationship’ guy? Yet, we’ve been dating for five, five years. When were you planning on telling me that you never saw us staying together? When you strung me along for a little bit longer? Played with my heart some more? Yoongi, you knew I was dating for marriage, that I wanted to settle down. Why didn’t you say anything when we had that conversation months ago? You could have told me you never wanted to get married, yet all you did was smile at me, filling me with so much hope that I would get to marry the man I love one day.” 

“Wait, Y/n, I can explain!” Yoongi said exasperatedly, trying and failing to prevent you from logging off. He grabbed his phone, his motions quick as he texted you, praying you would answer him. He waited, giving it a few seconds before he messaged you again. Fifty texts later and you still weren’t responding to him. Releasing a deep sigh, he let his head fall back, glaring up at the ceiling. Tears blurred his vision, and he hastily wiped his eyes, thoughts running rampant through his brain. What would he do if he couldn’t get a hold of you? If he was not able to explain himself? What if...what if you decided to leave him? 

That last thought made him freeze, his body going cold and numb with fear. Fear of losing you, one of the best things that had happened to him. All of a sudden, he jumped up from his seat, rushing around his hotel room to gather his stuff, packing it all up. Unzipping a side pocket on his suitcase, he pulled the red, velvety box out, turning it over in his hands before cracking it open. He sighed when he saw the ring still safely nestled inside. He didn’t know what he would do if he were to have lost it. The ring was custom made, the only one in the world, and he knew it was perfect for you. It was simple yet cute, just the way you liked things. Closing the lid, he placed it back inside his luggage, making sure it wouldn’t fall out. Before he put his laptop away, he quickly bought a plane ticket back to Seoul. Once he had everything ready to go, he walked out of his hotel room with his bags in hand, and went to where he knew the others would be. 

Knocking on the door, he patiently waited for someone to let him in. The longer he stood there, the more his anxiety flared up, knowing he was wasting precious time that he could use to get to you. Finally, finally someone opened the door. Staring back at him was Jimin, his face looking muddled, for the older man had said he would rather sleep than mess around with them yet here he was. 

The two stared at each other for a few silent seconds, before Jimin broke it, “Hyung, what are you doing here? Didn’t you say you were going to skype Y/n or something?” Yoongi didn’t answer, instead he pushed past the pink haired boy, making his way to their band members. 

“I’m leaving the tour,” Yoongi said, plopping down onto the couch. His statement made them stop what they were currently doing, completely shocked by his words, not sure where it was coming from. 

Jin cleared his throat, bringing Yoongi from his flashback back to the present, “Yah, Yoongi-ah, aren’t you listening? Why are you leaving when we still have a month left?” Said man looked at him, tears clouding his vision once again, causing his friends’ eyes to widen. Yoongi almost never cried in front of them, he had too much pride for that, not wanting to seem weak. So seeing one of their closest friends about to break down made them panic.

“Y/n…” he started out, his voice hesitant, as if saying it out loud would make it real, “She saw today’s interview…” Jin, Namjoon and Hoseok looked at him with pity in their eyes, knowing why he was acting the way he was. The only ones who still weren’t catching on were the maknae line. The three youngest sent each other glances, not getting why it was bad you had watched it. You always watched their interviews, so why was now different?

Jungkook, being the bravest of the three, asked, “I don’t get it. What’s wrong with Y/n seeing it?” Though Yoongi knew Jungkook wasn’t trying to be rude, he couldn’t help but to blow up on the man. 

“Why is it bad? You’re asking me why it’s bad? Maybe because I said I wasn’t looking for marriage! That I wasn’t in the mood to be in a serious relationship!!” Yoongi stood up yelling, tears now freely flowing down his blotchy cheeks. Hoseok placed a hand on his shoulder, attempting to calm his friend down, but Yoongi wasn’t done. “My girlfriend of five years that I planned on proposing to in a few months thinks I don’t want to get married and that I don’t see us together for long!! And she won’t answer me and let me explain!! That’s why this is a disaster Jungkook!!” 

The boy that was getting yelled at took a step back, wide eyes looking hesitantly at his senior, not wanting to cause even more trouble, “I-I’m sorry hyung. I didn’t mean to make you mad…” Not getting a response, Jungkook’s shoulders slumped, angry at himself for upsetting his hyung. Yoongi saw this and sighed, hating himself for making his member feel terrible when he only asked an innocent question. 

“Kook-ah, I’m not mad at you. I’m angry at myself. I’m the idiot who said something during the interview. I just can’t lose her, I love her so fucking much. I planned on proposing to her two months after the tour ended, y’know? I had the perfect way of doing it too…” Yoongi trailed off, thinking of all the ideas he had scheduled, a small smile growing on his face, just imagining your reaction as he asked you to be his for forever. 

None of them knew how or where he was planning, and taking in how curious everyone was, Namjoon questioned Yoongi, “How did you want to do it hyung?” They all sat down somewhere in the room, ready to listen to the black haired man explain how he was going to propose to you. 

“When the topic of marriage came up a few months ago, she got so excited and started going off about what she thought the perfect proposal was. The look in her eyes...god, the look in her eyes while she talked. She looked so beautiful and innocent. I never really wanted to get married, never really cared for it, but with the way she was looking at me with so much love in her expression, I knew I would do it for her,” Yoongi spoke softly, thinking back to when you two were in his room, cuddling in bed, your head on his chest and his fingers running through your hair. 

Releasing a gentle sigh, he closed his eyes, finishing his explanation, “She had told me how she’s always wanted to see the northern lights, and how it would be so romantic to be proposed under them. She’s stuck through all the hardships of being with me, and I just want to give back to her, show her how much she means to me, how thankful I am for her. I called the Northern Light Inn in Iceland right after the discussion and they said the best month to do it was November, so I booked a room for a week. All I would have to do is have it bumped up to now.” No one said anything, gazing at the way Yoongi had a gummy smile and hearts in his eyes as he thought of marrying you. 

“Wow...hyung..” Taehyung started, not knowing how to express how he was feeling. In fact, none of them did. They were all shell shocked, not used to hearing the man speak so tenderly, so open about his feelings. Jin, Hoseok and Namjoon were looking at him with pride, knowing it took a lot of courage for him to even speak his emotions, Jimin and Taehyung were beaming at him, bouncing excitedly in their seats and chatting animatedly, while Jungkook was glaring at the floor, deep in thought. Noticing the maknae’s heated stare, Jimin asked him if he was okay.

Jungkook looked up at them, determination shining in his eyes, “I’m okay with hyung leaving early. We can handle the concerts without him, and ARMY would understand if we tell them he has a family emergency.” It became silent, the reason this conversation was even started being brought back up. Hoseok, Jimin, and Taehyung agreed, wanting their best friend to get engaged with his love as soon as possible. It was Jin and Namjoon that were a little more hesitant, their responsibilities as oldest and leader reminding them why he couldn’t just abandon them. Yet, seeing Yoongi’s shoulders slumped in defeat, his heart breaking in front of their very eyes, they knew they couldn’t, wouldn’t be the ones to stop him. So, they both gave each other a look and nodded, showing Yoongi he had their support as well. 

“Great!! So now we just need to get Yoongi hyung a plane ticket!” Jungkook enthusiastically yelled, bouncing on the balls of his feet, eyes wide with excitement. The rest grinned, watching in amusement as the youngest grabbed his laptop, powering it on. 

Yoongi sheepishly scratched the back of his neck, shyly saying, “Uh, about that...I may have already bought a plane ticket..haha.” Six of his friends had shock written all over their faces. None of them had expected him to already have a ticket, especially given that he wasn’t sure he would be permitted to leave, however, Hoseok was the only one who expected it. He knew his hyung would have left even if he wasn’t allowed. 

“Well, in that case, what are you waiting for? Go get your fiancee, Yoongi hyung!” Jimin yelled out, everyone else screaming in excitement with him. Yoongi smiled, grabbed his suitcase, waved goodbye to the boys, and went on his way. He knew he could possibly get in trouble for abandoning the tour, but at this point he couldn’t care less, you were more important to him. 

The taxi ride to the airport was filled with only the sounds of the radio, he was too nervous to try and initiate conversation with the driver, his hands anxiously playing with the end of his sweatshirt. Once the vehicle came to a stop, he took his belongings and headed inside. Printing his ticket, going through security and boarding the plane all went by in a blur. He was too far in his thoughts to even notice what was happening around him. Yoongi inhaled once, twice, thrice times before he closed his eyes, planning on sleeping the hours away. The fourteen hours flew by, with him going in and out of consciousness from time to time, and soon the airplane was landing. Feeling his nerves pick back up, he exited with the other passengers, turning his cell phone off airplane mode to see if you had answered any of his calls or messages. He sighed in defeat when he noticed the only notifications were from his members and their manager. Walking with quick steps to the baggage claim, he picked up his luggage and went outside to hail a taxi. The car pulled up to the curb and Yoongi got in, giving the man your address, praying you were there. 

Arriving at your apartment complex, he rushed up the stairs, in too much of a rush to wait for the elevator. He calmly stalked towards your door when he reached the correct floor. Taking a shaky breath, he tried to calm his nerves before he proceeded to knock. As soon as he heard you call out ‘coming!’, he held his breath. His heart was racing as you opened the door, little beads of sweat collecting on his forehead. Your eyes widened, not expecting to see him standing at your door, and you went to slam the door shut but he caught it with his foot. 

“Wait!” he yelled out, desperation ringing in his voice. Letting out a short breath, you reopened the door, allowing him to see your whole body. Yoongi’s heart broke when he took in your appearance; hair a greasy mess, pajamas looking loose on your figure, red eyes, and dark circles under them. Reaching out a hand, he let it fall limp by his side after hesitating, “Please, can we talk?” Deciding to hear him out, you moved to the side, granting him access to enter. Saying a small ‘thank you’, he followed you to your couch, sitting down next to you. 

Turning to face him, you avoided his eyes, “What did you want to talk about?” The way you said it, fear lacing your words, caused him to move closer to you, grasping your hands tightly in his. You thought of ripping them away from his, but you needed the comfort the action brought. 

“Y/n, what I said in that interview, I didn’t mean it. I’m so fucking happy I’m dating you and I do plan on marrying you in the future. Those words I said weren’t true and I regret them so much,” he said, scooting even closer to you and placing a hand on your cheek. He took a deep breath in before continuing, “At first, I wasn’t really looking for marriage and that’s not because I wasn’t serious about us, it’s because I never really cared for marriage. Why should we have to prove our love for one another by having a wedding? But then you were passionately saying how you couldn’t wait to get married, how you couldn’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together, and I knew, I knew I would go through with it for you.”

By the end of Yoongi’s declaration, there were tears running down your face, causing him to panic. Did he say something wrong? Why were you crying? Right as he opened his mouth to ask if you were alright, you flung yourself at him, sobbing into his chest. You were a blabbering mess about how you were sorry for not listening to him that night, but he was just filled with relief, relief that you still wanted to be with him. Now he just needed to get you on the plane with him without having you figure out what was happening.

“Baby, go pack a suitcase. I want to go on a short vacation with you, show you how much I love you, before I have to get back to the tour.” His words caused your eyes to get large. He left the tour for you? Yoongi could see you felt guilty, so he quickly kissed your lips, “Don’t worry about it, jagiya. I was granted permission to come home early.” Reassured by his words, you smiled excitedly and went to get your stuff ready. While you were packing, Yoongi called their manager, explaining everything and asking if he could have a private jet ready. Getting a ‘yes and there will be a car waiting’, he grinned and thanked the man before hanging up. 

You came out, luggage in hand, “I didn’t know where we were going, so I packed a few warm clothes and a few cool clothes.” He grabbed your suitcase for you, grasping your hand with the other, and led the way to the car that should be waiting outside. The ride to the airport was filled with sweet words whispered into ears, longing, loving stares and chaste kisses to soft lips. Yoongi tugged you towards the gate where you could board the jet, laughing as you kept tripping while trying to keep up with your pace. Settling down in the seats, he took a photo of the two of you before relaxing. Once again, the flight zoomed by and he was awoken by the airplane landing.

“Come on Yoongs! We’re here!” you squealed, eyes bright with enthusiasm. He smiled tiredly and followed you off the plane. Hearing you gasp in amazement caused a bliss feeling to go through him. You excitedly tugged him towards the direction of the small airport, “Oh, Yoongi this is amazing! We’re in Iceland!” 

Your boyfriend stopped in his tracks, resulting in your body being jolted back as you were still connected by the hand. He kissed your cheek, “I remember you said you’ve always wanted to visit Iceland, and I thought it would be the best place for us to escape to.” He just hoped you wouldn’t think anything else of it…

“I love you so much, this is so cute of you,” you cooed at him and pinched his cheek. He scoffed, pushing your hand away from his face, a pout forming on his mouth. Grumbling to himself, he started to pull you, laughter escaping your rosy lips. 

It was night now and you were all settled into your room. Seeing Yoongi pace nervously back and forth, you walked over to him and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder, resulting in him slightly flinching. “Are you okay, Yoongi?” your voice was quiet, not wanting to startle him even more. 

“Y-yeah. Do you want to go on a walk? I heard it’s a beautiful night tonight,” he stuttered in the beginning before his voice became stronger. You gave him a reassuring smile and nodded, layering up in warm clothes. He followed your actions, though from the corner of your eye you could see him swiftly grab something from his suitcase and stick it in his coat pocket. Shaking the curiosity away, you grabbed his outstretched hand. 

Yoongi led the way down a path, stopping after you had walked for ten minutes. You were confused as to why he did, but gasped when you looked up at the night sky to see streaks of blue, green, and purple. He gazed at you with fondness as you observed the colors ripple in the dark sky. God, he loved you so much. 

Not wanting to disturb the peaceful quiet that surrounds you, in a low voice he asked you, “Turn towards me, I want a picture of you to remember this moment.” Doing as he ordered, you faced him and allowed a huge grin to appear. He took his phone out and snapped a photo of you cheesing, sending it to the boys with the caption ‘she has no clue what’s about to happen’. Turning your attention back on the beautiful scene, you were too focused to notice your boyfriend moving to stand behind you. 

Only whirling around when you heard him softly say your name, and you let out a gasp at the sight. Yoongi was standing there with a small, red box. Your heart rate quickened, shock paralyzing you in your spot. Your hands covered your mouth as he opened it, a ring staring back at you as he moved closer to you. 

“L/n Y/n, ever since I met you at that coffee shop back in 2016, I knew we were going to be best friends. It was as if we just..clicked. There was no awkwardness of trying to get to know each other, we were comfortable from the start. From then on we made so many inside jokes, had so many laughs and I loved every second of it,” Yoongi said with so much love in his eyes. Inhaling, he smiled shakily at you and kept talking, “Then a few months later you met my band mates and I was so happy and relieved to see you get along with them. At this point I knew I had a huge crush on you and it seemed like Hobi knew as well since he came to me that night, asking if I was finally going to ask you out or not.” His breath came out shaky, “When I told him that I was, he said ‘good, she’s perfect for you, hyung’ and it made me so fucking ecstatic that he thought that. That someone else saw you would complete me. I asked you out a week later, you were wearing that blue sundress with your hair curled and you looked so beautiful. Do you remember what our first date was?” 

You nodded and sniffled, “You took me to a convenience store and we ate ramen there, then we took a walk at Banpo Bridge Park and watched the water show.” Smiles graced both your faces as some of the best memories were brought back up. Yoongi raised a hand and tenderly held your cheek. A small hiccup left you as you leaned into his touch, the both of you letting out wet laughs. 

“That was one of the best nights of my life, especially when you got cold and cuddled up to me. After that we went on a few dates before I asked you to be my girlfriend, and you can ask any one of the guys, but when you said yes I couldn’t stop smiling. To know you were finally mine and I was yours made me feel so much joy,” he said, chuckling when tears fell from your eyes. “Want to know when I knew I was in love with you?” he questioned you, and when you rapidly nodded your head he began his explanation, “It was on our tenth date. We were at the dorms, cuddling in my bed and watching a movie, well, you were watching it but I was too busy staring at your beauty. When you caught me looking you gave me a shy smile before you went back to laughing at the characters on the screen and I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.” 

By now, you were trying to keep your sobs in. “W-wait,” you said, eyebrows furrowing, “You knew you wanted to be with for forever on our tenth date?” He hummed as the gears turned in your mind. Eyes lighting up with recognition, you exclaimed, “But we had only been dating for three months!” Yoongi threw his head back in laughter, his shoulders shaking with the action. 

“Yes, you dummy, I knew you were the love of my life after only dating for three months. Surprising right? I was slightly worried with how fast I was falling for you, but then I thought of all the times we spent together and knew you would be there to catch me just like I would catch you,” he teased you and when he saw you turning red, he kissed your forehead, though that just caused more redness to spread throughout your face. He cleared his throat and straightened up, his nerves making an appearance again. He was nervous you would say no, even if your reactions showed you wouldn’t, he couldn’t shake the thought away.  

“So, L/n Y/n, will you live the rest of our lives with me? Even though I’m not always the easiest person to live with?” His voice cracked, while tears blurred his vision. Yoongi was looking at you with unfiltered adoration and it caused more tears to trickle down your cheeks. He brushed them away with his thumb. 

You gave him a watery smile, “Yes, of course I will, Min Yoongi.�� As soon as the words left your mouth he wrapped you in a tight embrace, bringing you into a passionate kiss. Pulling away, he placed one last sweet kiss on your lips and took the ring out, sliding it onto your left hand. Wiping the rest of your tears away, you took a closer look at the ring on your hand. The ring was delicate, not too over the top - exactly the way Yoongi tended to show his love - but still breathtakingly gorgeous. Tiny diamonds formed a heart, with a bigger one in the middle, while tiny jewels littered the band. 

“It has a meaning,” he whispered as he watched you examine the piece of jewelry with complete focus. Seeing you tilt your head in confusion, he placed his forehead on yours, “The heart means a promise, as long as you keep mine safe, I’ll forever cherish yours.” His soft words made you melt, so much love for this man flowing through your veins. 

You stared at him with hearts in your eyes and placed a gentle kiss on his chapped lips, “I love you so much, Min Yoongi, and I promise to keep your heart safe.” His smile was full of elation, as he left pecks all over your face. His heart swelled when your giggles reached his ears. 

“I love you too, Min Y/n,” Yoongi said, bringing you into his side as the two of you continued to see the northern lights, huddled close to each other and basking in the love that was shared between you both.

tagging: @sagey-rages

[jaypelt]

Cheers for Five Years of Undertale, and its Everlasting Effect on Me

Been a while since I’ve done one of these... I might even be rusty at it! Honestly, what I’ve got right now are more vague thoughts than coherent words in my head. I wasn’t sure if I’d even do this, since I felt it wasn’t entirely necessary. Everybody had so much to say! But spurned on by the display of someone very close to me, the cogs in my head couldn’t help but start turning for me too. So here I am. This isn’t going to be easy, though. Because if you read this, I need you to understand the depth of my feelings. Even if just a little. So I’ll do my best to bare my heart yet again, for the sake of it and everything its done for me. Everything it’ll keep doing for me.

The beginning is usually always one of the hardest parts. A blank space devoid of anything, that you’ve got to somehow miraculously fill with thoughts somebody else could understand. But Undertale is rarely a subject I ever have to struggle so much with. It’s been a long, long five years.

This is re-treading old ground that a number of those who know me are already familiar with, however, I don’t think this would be complete without it. But it will get very, VERY personal. If you’re not comfortable with that, then uh... giving you another warning now. But pushing forward...

Right before UT came out, I hadn’t begun to really unravel quite yet. But I was very close. It was somewhat of a rough transitional period as I moved on from my middle school to high, losing very dear IRL friends and generally continuing to struggle with school, as I had been for years. Untreated ADHD is real nasty. But I’d always had at least some friends, either online, or ones I made throughout the year, to rely on. And I didn’t really think about things. The start of this school year was no different. Even having a... perhaps questionable choice of boyfriend, but, well, he was my first.

I struggled with just about every aspect of school from basically the start, but having a small group, and especially an online partner to come home to everyday, helped me at least get through. In the coming months, however, I’d start to encounter more turbulence. Through aforementioned partner, I met someone who’d come to rely on me far more than he should have. Made even worse by the fact that he was a full grown adult while I was only 14, which will be a recurring trend. And has been for most of my life.

We hit it off pretty quickly, becoming good friends and talking to each other outside of mutual friend spaces. And through that, he started to open up about his problems. Living with a family that treated him poorly, suicidal urges, and particularly, an abusive boyfriend. If you know me well, I’ve probably definitely talked about this at least a little.

My daily routine starting becoming supporting this person through all of his troubles. Sitting in skype calls or exchanging messages for hours at a time on the daily. Rarely did a day go by where I didn’t, slowly sinking into an apathetic pit from overextending myself for the sake of his mental health. I couldn’t even help him improve, all I could do was just try to keep him alive. Which, well, I did. For months.

Everything else fell to the wayside as I was constantly stressed about the life of someone I cared about. Obviously my school life suffered even further. I grew withdrawn from everyone, and kept only to the few online friends I had. However, in the midst of this downward spiral, just before the ball really got rolling, a certain game came out. Exactly a month after it had come out, October 15th, 2015, I’d become interested after all the talk on tumblr about Undertale.

After watching a playthrough on youtube(I didn’t play for myself at first, a pity), It’d personally resonated so strongly and gotten me so hooked that it was something I invested a fair amount of my time into consuming content about. I grew super attached to all these characters that’d made me laugh, smile, cry... just this whole spectrum of emotions. And someone in particular, Alphys, really caught my attention after things had begun to get worse.

She felt so... relatable, though I couldn’t possibly tell you all the reasons. When I think about it, we’re not really the most similar, but something about her just hooked me. Maybe because she had all these things going on that nobody knew about. And that she lied. And felt so anxious interacting with anyone after she’d previously been much warmer and closer. That she was closer to “disappearing” than she seemed.

Whatever the reasons, the months moving further along, consuming content about UT practically became my lifeline. I reblogged heaps and heaps of posts  about it, watched videos, listened to the soundtrack, even started drawing because I’d been so inspired. When I was just stuck in this horrible pit of second-hand depression, it was the one thing that still made me happy. I started to really think about why it mattered to me and how. It’s funny, I’d read books obsessively for years before then, but UT was the thing that really got me thinking. It was all downhill from there, I tell you. Now I’m an artist and a writer. Horrific.

But, unfortunately, for all its good... it couldn’t stop what was to come. I was still getting worse and worse, with no end in sight. I’d already been supporting... let’s call him Phil, for a few months. And in December of that year, my boyfriend completely dropped off the grid for a while. I’d see him appear online sometimes and I’d message him, but no response, then right back to offline. Finally, he came back, approaching me with something he obviously was uncomfortable about.

To make a long story short, he’d come to the conclusion that he was straight, and decided to end the relationship. What’s bad is that... honestly? I was already doing so poorly that I had a hard time caring. But we did pretty much stop talking, and I leaned into Undertale all the more. Anyway, time continued to pass. Not without its few ups, and mostly downs. I got used to being called “mature”, usually followed by “especially for your age.” “Phil” told me that if I were legal, he’d date me. I’ve got a crippling fear of screwing up with people that’s stuck with me to this day, after a few occasions involving him. I considered doing some... not so great things to myself. Thankfully, I was always so averse to physical pain that it didn’t become anything extreme.

As for the few ups, there was “Phil” finally managing to leave his abusive relationship, when he’d tried previously and fallen into such a bad depressive episode I had to talk him down. So that was something. He’d even started going to therapy after the second break up.

Not that it did a whole lot. The school year began approaching its end and nothing had really changed. I’d been going through all the same motions for around half a year or more. My sleep was terrible, I was passing almost none of my classes, had practically no friends to speak of, and just felt... tired. All the time. But during this... the minute beginning of a monumental shift started. Another character in UT had begun to clutch me in his grasp. Even more strongly than Alphys. Flowey. Through the posts a singular person on tumblr had made about him and my experience with the geno run, I came to understand the dumb little flower more. Which is also funny, because he was previously my least favorite. Even, yes, after the Asriel reveal.

I’m having a difficult time weaving together this convoluted timeline of events, but it was around... perhaps March or early April that the person whom I’d been supporting for almost a full fucking year completely disappeared. Without a word. The one thing I’d tried to stick to for so long was just. Gone. So I drifted about with, well, no purpose.

By the end of the school year, it probably goes without saying that I was... not doing great. But one those aforementioned acquaintances I’d only just started to become actual friends with came forth to me with a question. That being if there was some way for us to keep contact during the summer. So I gave her my email, which would turn out to be a decision that saved my life. Because things would only get worse before they got better.

This is getting to be way, way, way too long. So to summarize, summertime came around and I’d been in pretty close contact with... I’ll just call her V. She was... well, unlike anyone I’d ever known. Someone who stood out with the intelligence you could just see in their eyes. Outgoing, charismatic, compassionate... all those sorts of things. We were opposites in a lot of ways. Or, at least, it felt like it.

Some things happened, like “Phil” coming back after months of nothing. Me immediately slotting back into my role of being a pillar of support, but then screwing up and hating myself for it. But honestly, that ain’t shit to the rest of the whole shitshow.

For a bit of context, my parents are divorced. So for most of the previous years, I’d been going to my mom’s place during the summer and staying with her the whole time, to make up for how rarely we’d see each other otherwise. That year... she was beginning to run low on money. She lived next to my granny, but still basically alone, compared to how she’d been staying with someone else in hotels for the few prior years.

After learning she didn’t have enough to pay rent and might be kicked out, she tried to appeal to her mom, who said she wouldn’t let her stay. Why? I don’t know. After that, she spiraled into a panic. And, well, the ever faithful little worker bee, I stepped forward to try and console her in any way I could. She seemed to recompose, at least a little. It wasn’t great, and she thought she’d have to do some unsavory things in order to survive, but... I thought that, just maybe, I’d done something.

But... later that night, she started drinking. Which... well, put her in a mood. Exacerbated by the day’s earlier events and the fact that she was taking medication that responded poorly to alcohol. She came over to where I was sitting, my little makeshift desk I’d put together to set up my desktop, with my little sister just in the other room. Just... a warning for this next part, it’s... grim. More grim than anything else in this thread.

She proceeded to tell me she was going to go upstairs and grab the gun my granny kept in her room. And berated me for thinking I’d done anything to help, saying she “wasn’t like my little friends” that I could simply talk to. With that, she walked away, heading upstairs. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so crushed in my entire life, to this day. I broke down crying, sitting in that chair.

Yet, somehow, I managed to stop when I saw her coming back down. She walked back over, pointed the gun at her head, and told me to give her a reason she shouldn’t do it. And also to this day, I.... still don’t know if I said what was right. It was all I could think of. I quietly told her that if she did it, I’d pick that gun up and do it to myself. Same as her. And I asked if she wanted to be responsible for that.

It was true, too. By that point, I didn’t care anymore.

And if there’s one thing I can say about her, it’s that she’s always cared about me. In a horrible, twisted way especially, that night. It was enough to make her silently pull the gun down, go back upstairs, and put it away. One last time... she came down, walked past me to the front door and simply said “I love you.” before going out to sit on the porch.

I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get over the events of that night. I spoke to V afterwards, as I’d been keeping in regular contact, as I said. And even been speaking to her throughout the day about what was happening. I think she was panicking just as much as I had been, and told me to go find the gun and unload it. So I did. Bawling my eyes out the whole damn time. Afterwards, I took the bullets and threw them in the large neighborhood garbage can.

The rest of the night’s a blur. I don’t recall if anything else happened, I just remember waking up tired the next day. My uncle was in the house, as he’d been staying with my granny for a while, but hadn’t been around the night before. I tried to talk to him, but.. couldn’t bring myself to open up. Even though we were pretty close. I went back to my dad’s.

That wasn’t the end of it, either. For the next coming months, I’d get drunken calls and live in fear of being put right back in the same situation. It got so bad that I stopped answering my phone altogether. I broke contact with my mom entirely. I still hate answering or making calls.

Anyway, a few other things happened in the summer, like my applying for online courses. And the subsequent ridicule from my dad’s side of the family for the decision. Tell you what, the stress of taking a test to try and join that online program, then going to golden corral and having to struggle to not cry in front of everyone there was... not the ideal way to spend a birthday. Happy 15 years to me.

So.... that was that. I still went through with online courses and everything kind of... slowed to a crawl. I tried to do school work, but depression and still yet untreated ADHD prevented me from making any substantial progress beyond a few finished classes. For a while I simply... existed in a limbo. All I did was get up, get on my computer, maybe talk to a few people, and play Overwatch. Maybe look at tumblr, as I remained into Undertale. V and I lost contact after school started back up. I never blamed her for it. In fact, I preferred it that way. She didn’t deserve to have such a burden placed on her, and I still... feel guilty for leaning on her so much.

But I’m very thankful. I hope she’s out there living a good life, wherever she is.

And this! Is where we finally get to the not depressing parts! And only... what, 29 paragraphs in? Sheesh... I know I wanted to really illustrate just how shit things were to demonstrate just how much UT did for me, but this is taking it a bit far, isn’t it? Ah well... already made it this far. In for a penny, in for a pound. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! I’m sorry. Truly. And I love you so very dearly.

Time went by and I kept doing my thing. Playing Overwatch(a practically self-destructive behavior deserving a therapy, frankly), talking to the few friends I had that I kept at an arm’s length, that sort of stuff. “Phil” and I no longer talked, thank goodness. Obviously I was depressed as all hell, not bothering to shower, eat, clean up, or do laundry for days on end. I spent more time asleep than I did awake, on most days. Did I say this was where the not depressing part was? I may have lied a little.

Blah blah “more months go by”, you know the drill. Until... I believe, November of 2016. After cementing my love of Flowey ever deeper, I’d started to follow more blogs putting out content for him on tumblr. In particular, the most important ones being I’lltrytobegood, Flowey-Answers, and later happyflowey and Corruptedflora.

It all started with a stream. I joined an art stream of LLA(Lovelyladyartist) on picarto as he worked on ITTBG. I kept quiet for the first few streams I joined, being too anxious to really out myself in any capacity. But little by little, I was coerced out of my shell. Particularly by one SilverKhaos, who I think at the time went by SilverSlayer or something. Anyway, he got me talking. And through that, I started making friends, bit by bit.

Also through the stream, I was introduced to CC(CuteCatDoodles) of Flowey-Answers. I obsessively read through the entire blog in a single sitting, just... having such a good time with it. And... strangely enough, it... got me feeling oddly better. Like I’d finally started to breath after not being able to for what felt like such a long time. If just a little. The next day, I got out of bed early, cleaned up, took out some garbage, and made breakfast. Just a simple plate of scrambled eggs. A simple, easy morning for most any average person. But for me? It was one of the most special mornings I’ve ever had.

Likewise, I did the same with Ding’s happyflowey, of reading through all of it in a single night. My head hurt like a motherfucker, but I tell you, it was worth it. The effect perhaps not as profound, but still very meaningful to me, as well as sowing the seeds of yet more relationships to form. If far off in the future, as far as this timeline is concerned. I still adore all of those dumb, charming little flowers so much. Mania would come to inspire my first ever OC, in fact. Thinking about that blog makes me miss when the UT fandom was more active here, even though I never participated in the fandom at large. But I’m grateful for the memories and incredible amounts of enjoyment getting to read it all brought me. I have way too many cropped images of Hysteria.

I wasn’t immediately better, but it was all the start of something new. I kept up with the streams, also joining in for CC’s. For hours upon hours a day, I’d just hop into them and spend the day talking away. I had something to really look forward upon waking up, starting to adjust my schedule so that I at least didn’t miss TOO much. I was able to really make friends, it felt like. Even though I wasn’t and still am not the most socially adept.

And as luck would have it, because picarto chat was and probably still is pretty unstable to this day, it just happened to go down and that led to... the creation of the discord server! It started off small, but steadily got more and more joiners from the growing population of the streams. LovelyLadyArtist, CuteCatDoodles, BrySkye, Flowers-Without-Pots, SilverSlayer, KRS, Donut, Mr.Quarter, Dragoler, Stilla, Chara, RotmModdy, Rowdy, Dunal, and probably at least a few others I’m forgetting... all names I encountered there and most of which I still see daily.

Through that server, we started keeping up even when there wasn’t any stream going on. Just goofing off and having a good ‘ol time. Already I was... well, doing a helluva lot better than I had before. All because of the gathering of a small community surrounding this indie gem. And even further centered in a niche specifically about Flowey! Who, and I’d forgotten to mention this before, I’d found a surprising amount to relate in. He’d become a big, BIG hyperfocus. Which is why I’d met everyone at all. Truly, it’s crazy to think how possible it is for me to have never come down this path.

From there on, I continued to meet new people, established new relationships. I even got invited to an RP server, creatively named “Flower RP” :p. At first I was hesitant, perhaps not even initially 100% interested. But as people really got into it, I felt an incredibly strong Fear of Missing Out. Leading to the creation of a character still near and dear to my heart.... Zorch. The result of contributions from many friends, from design ideas, to character concepts, and even his name(thanks for that, Rowdy). And... I began to write. It wasn’t great at first. very short form, and I didn’t know how to approach the roleplaying mindset, or even how to properly characterize him.

But over time... I got better. I became more confident. I really got into the nitty-gritty of character writing and discussion. I joined in on hours long discussions about the characters, lore, and narrative of Undertale. I’d wake up just to be there as soon as chat began to move, all the way to the point where everyone was finally asleep. I started to be able to help people again. For months, participating in this RP, in this chat, in this community was what I lived for. The joy that I felt in being among friends all working towards and talking about a common goal and interest is, well, honestly still somewhat unrivaled.

Paci, Pots, Neue, Castor, Silver, Nightmare, Rowdy. Me. All of us joined together in mutual love for a game, spurred on to feverishly create our own content about it. I kept up for months on end, living by the mostly same routine for probably the longest I’ve ever stuck to anything. Eventually... things happened and the server’s gone quiet. We had problems with management, people feeling excluded, targeted, etc etc. It was a very... consequence heavy RP, most of us were almost complete newbies to the roleplaying game, and many came to care rather deeply about the ongoings of it. Perhaps too much. But, well... I’m not sure it could have been prevented.

Sometimes, I still wish I could go back to that point of my life. I know someone else who does too. Even more than me. But I know not to try and emulate the past, as alluring as it may seem. So I push forward. Leading to yet another server with its own events. Clement, myself, Rowdy, Zielo, Neue, Moddy, Vee, Mini, Nappy, Tia, Silver. Some familiar names, some new. All still with the foundation of Undertale, but it quickly became a thing for us to just... chill and talk about anything. There was real love in that place. It was at this time that I even started going to therapy! After some struggling with the family. It helped a lot.

In time, that server, too, went under. For reasons that have long since been buried and forgiven. It no longer exists, after being deleted entirely, but I’ll always remember it. And we did eventually all(mostly) gather back together someplace new, which is still being talked in. Even gaining some new additions recently! If any of you guys are catching this one, I love you!

And we come to the final and most recent group. One I wasn’t actually a founding member of, instead being a late joiner. Comparatively smaller than all the ones before, but filled with just as much love. Pip, Ding, Kink, and Cola. Remember when I mentioned happyflowey sowing seeds, and then didn’t even expound in further detail about corruptedflora? Well congratulations, you’ve reached the payoff.

It all started after I began interacting with the mun of CF, Kinko, and became mutuals with them. We usually just spam reblogged from each other on occasion for a while. That is, until I got messaged, then sent a friend request through Discord. Which, even still, didn’t immediately go anywhere. But eventually... some things led to another, and we joined up in a particular server. Not one I’ll be naming, but times were... turbulent in there. It went under and we lost contact a bit after that.

That is, until completely out of the blue, I just get invited to a server with them and some pals to just join in on Roblox shenanigans. Imagine me, sweating and anxious as hell after getting asked to join a server with two people behind blogs I adore, considering Ding was there too. Cardiac arrest, I tell you. And obviously more than just them too! But the night turned out to be so fun that I forgot I’d ever been so anxious in the first place.

From there on... the rest was history. There’s been many, MANY ups and downs, but I’ve found yet more people I love very, very dearly. And they’ve gotten me to open up about the way I feel the most. In the past years, I could never tell someone I loved them, no matter how much I really wanted to. The words just couldn’t come out, but they... they brought that out in me. And now I can say it whenever I want! Like now! I love you guys!!! So much!!!! And not just you all, but everyone else too!!! And much love to Kink especially for being a driving force behind me making this, as well as just being a goddamn star.

So... as a final ovation... LLA, CC, Bry, Drago/Paci, Pots, Silver, Donut, Quarter, Stilla, Chara, Moddy, Rowdy, Neue, Castor/Skater, Tia/Nightmare, Clement, Zielo, Vee, Nappy, Ding, Pip, Cola, and Kink. As well as some stragglers like Log, Ingrid, and Jai. I’m probably still forgetting some... but thank you all for being my friends. It’s been a long, long five years. And yet, many of you are still in my life. In at least some form. There aren’t words enough to express my gratitude towards every single one of you for the most incredible years of my life and pulling me from what can be called nothing less than the fucking abyss. You all made and continue to make life worth living.

And thank you, Undertale. The game behind all of these relationships.  The game that inspired such strong feelings in me when nothing else could. That made me into an artist and writer. The reason I’m still alive. The game that changed my fucking life and will continue to affect me, I believe, for the duration of it. I really cannot overstate just how important you were and still are. There’ll never be anything else like you.

[roleplcyheaux]

stop sending messages about kelly to amanda. jc its like youre obsessed.

i rarely curse at people but fuck you. and i mean that from the bottom of my heart. i don’t know what possessed you to send me this ask in the first place because i haven’t been on the dash in days but fuck you. i’m not sending messages about kelly to amanda. kelly hasn’t crossed my mind in months. i haven’t spoken or uttered her name in conversation even longer than that. ya’ll are so quick to accuse people of things with no evidence? the fact that you assume everyone who sends in questions about these people are just jaded friends / members is the problem! none of you want to take responsibility for your actions so you’d rather just brush off the stuff being said about you as “hate” and “negativity”. i’ve made one post about kelly in my entire existence on this website. AND I EVEN SUGAR COATED THAT ONE POST by only sticking to rp related instances! i went to painstaking lengths to ensure nothing i wrote about her came across as mean or inflammatory. there’s a whole paragraph where i sang her praises. why? cause for a very long time she was someone very dear to me and i didn’t want to crucify her in the public eye because i believe people can change and grow. but since ya’ll love to villainize people, let me just say this.

if i wanted to send amanda messages it would be:

about that time i made a post on my personal during the 2016 election ( or maybe directly after i can’t remember ) where i said something about trump supporters being ignorant ( literally one of the least nasty thing that can be said about trump supporters ) and kelly messaged me on skype upset that i said that because her family members were trump supporters. i literally had to APOLOGIZE TO HER for saying something about trump supporters. even though they were outwardly spewing anti-immigration propaganda and encouraging trump’s muslim registry nonsense. two things kelly knows i am, an immigrant & a muslim. still, i “agreed to disagree” so she wouldn’t be mad at me. from that day on i felt like i couldn’t post anything political on my blog or else she’d find an issue with it and come confront me again. ( i would link to the post in question but i think i literally deleted it to placate her + skype wont let me scroll back further than april 2017 & this convo happened prior to that )

or maybe the time someone came to me in my inbox to ask about if it was insensitive to play turkish fcs as non-muslim & i answered saying something along the lines like “no it wouldn’t be insensitive but like please keep in mind islam is the largest religion practiced in turkey.” nothing controversial about that right? like i wasn’t telling people that they would be cancelled if they had non-muslim turkish muses but STILL kelly who was in a big turkish fc phase at the time felt the need to then reply to my ask to be like “there are jewish people in turkey too!!!” which is true! there are multiple religions practiced in turkey but that wasn’t what was up for debate in the ask that was sent to me. people already play turkish fcs as anything but muslim. again she messaged me privately afterward saying she hoped it was okay she interjected and to avoid confrontation i didn’t say anything and let it slide cause i told myself she was just excited about exploring judaism as a faith. but just think about it? could you imagine if someone was answering an ask about zoey deutch being jewish & whether it was insensitive to play her as non-practicing & i just inserted myself by saying “um actually people practice other religions in america too!” just because i like playing zoey deutch fcs and may not wanna be held responsible to play her as her religion? LINK TO THE ASK HERE.

or how about that elongated period of time she had not white in the description of her personal? if memory serves me correct her blog title had gypsy in it and someone told her that term was offensive to romani which is when she said she was part romani herself. which then inevitable led to the “not white” identifier on her blog. but multiple times before and after that privately she only talked about her family being italian. rarely if ever did the romani thing ever come up again. only when it was convenient. i’m not trying to say kelly isn’t romani or is lying about identifying as nonwhite but there were multiple times in our friendship where i felt like she was trying to use labels associated to minority groups for some sort of invisible “brownie points” and it was very uncomfortable to me but i never felt comfortable enough to brooch it with her for fear of being exiled from the friend group or accused of being “toxic” the way she described other ex-friends.

or maybe i’d give amanda extra details about stuff i’ve already said about kelly on my blog. like when i said she asked me to play a nina twin with her at a group but then got mad at me for essentially plotting with people? what i didn’t add was that that whole thing happened during ramadan while i was fasting. and she knew it was ramadan cause we talked about it in our gc. i had been working all day helping my family do stuff while fasting only to log on to skype to have one of my best friends accuse me of trying to ruin her plots and fun in a group she invited me to. the whole conversation gave me so much anxiety on top of being hungry & tired from running around a majority of the day. like i kept worrying that if i didn’t respond fast enough that she’d get angry which in turn made me family be upset at me for keeping looking for reasons to be on my phone. her excuse in the end? she was on her period and feeling sensitive. ( LINK TO SCREEN SHOTS )

or what about all those times she would message me privately about people i considered friends and how she didn’t think they liked her. or how she felt unliked and unwanted and i’d have to go out of my way to assure her that wasn’t the case. to the point of my own discomfort. it got the point where i started not enjoying my own rp experience cause i’d feel bad that i was having fun on the dash when she wasnt? it was during a time she claimed she changed and she would always weaponize the narrative people had of her “old self” against me to make me feel bad for being friends / friendly with those people even though she’d keep insisting that it was totally fine & she wasn’t mad about it and simply just “worried” cause she didn’t want to cause “drama” ( to use an example from an instance used in my other ask about kelly: her and my friend lauren had a falling out. when said falling out happened she repeatedly insisted that the rest of us in the friend group didn’t have to “pick sides” then, later down the line, when she found out lauren was joining a group i was opening she then proceeded to use that as one of the reasons why i was being a “shitty friend” to her. LINK BACK TO THAT PART OF THE CONVO )

if i was really obsessed with kelly i would just have submitted the messages i got from people after i made my post about her to amanda. people who were friends with her were coming to me telling me that kelly had done / was doing the same thing to them that she put me through and how they appreciated me speaking up about it. keep in mind i made my post like a year after i stopped being friends with her. which meant that in that time, despite all the claims she had made about changing and being better, she was still treating her friends and the people close to her shitty. i’m not gonna share screen shots of those messages because it seems for all intents and purposes those people have forgiven kelly & are still friends with her and i’m not trying to get them in trouble with her.

i’ve given kelly the benefit of the doubt for years. even after i stopped communicating with her i didn’t say anything about the microaggressions i faced as her friend or how manipulated i felt by her. being her friend often felt like you were one mistake away from being cut off. it’s like you constantly had to prove your loyalty and love to her or else. it took me a long time to realize how our dynamic was extremely unhealthy and even when i realized that i never publicly said anything because i still cared about her and saw how much shit she was getting & didn’t want to add to it. but i’m not the pathetic little hales that can be bullied and talked down to anymore. i’m not gonna allow you to come into my inbox when i was minding my own business and try to make me the bad guy. if people are sending messages to amanda about kelly it’s because she’s got a long list of people she’s hurt & hasn’t resolved anything with. that has nothing to do with me so please kindly get out of my inbox.

[hhemeraa-a]

Update / Haitus

I’ve been a ghost the last two weeks and I know that my last post was very succinct - which I had to delete because apparently porn blogs started reblogging it for some reason????????? And I’m just?? not in the place to deal with that.

I really hope to get back into a place where I can be here again, I know before I said I was on discord but I’ve had zero (zero) time to do literally anything else other than deal with my current situation so I’m barely even there. I do read all of your messages and I’m really sorry I haven’t responded. 

A lot of people had or have questions and wanted to know how I am, etc etc so under the cut will be a quick explanation of my absence and everything that’s happened within the last few weeks.

As some of you know, I am a Peace Corps volunteer servicing in China. I had been serving as a university English teacher for the last near 2 years. This was a very very very important and huge opportunity for me. 

Years ago when I was in college, my Mom was taking student loans out in my name while I was living with her. I went from having $54k in student debt (which is a lot already) to having about $108k in student debt in private loans. She shirked all responsibility on me, I had to graduate college early with a degree in something that I had credits in (International Studies with a focus on Chinese language and history), I was homeless for a while working random jobs, trying to join the Marine Officer program, etc etc -- needless to say, things were really really messy for a few years there. I ended up getting a really nice job for a logistics company getting paid about 2200 a month, but I was paying about 1600 a month in student loans. I had a lot of support from a friend who let me live with her and to this day I literally cannot thank her enough for everything she provided to me while I was suffering through all of this. 

After working that soul sucking job for nearly 4 years, I took a chance and applied for Peace Corps because it was an opportunity to finally make it to China. I was supposed to study abroad in college, but when my mother maxed out my debt, it was no longer feasible. I never thought I was going to get in because I had been out of school for years at that point, I had never taught English before besides 1-on-1s during college and I kind of thought I was too old???  

BUT LOW AND BEHOLD I GOT IN.  This shit meant everything to me. I was finally going to study abroad, I was finally going to have a chance to use my degree, I was finally going to have the chance to learn a language, I had an opportunity to have a complete career change. 

It was so incredibly hard though. I worked my ass off during training, I worked really really hard to integrate into my site, but if anyone has ever heard any of my horror stories of being the only foreigner in the middle of south east China, you’ll understand that it’s not always fun 😅 I even had a whole mental break down and had to be sent back to the States for 45 days so I could stop stressing, but I got my ass right back on that plane and came to finish the job I started. The low were low, but the highs were so incredibly high that it made up for every bad moment.

This program meant everything to me.  My first semester sucked ass, it was harder than I ever thought it would be. My second semester was so much better, my third semester I was over loaded with about 450+ students and 8 classes, but I was finally getting the hang of the language, the school, the people, and I had gotten the ‘ok’ from my school to work there as a full time teacher once my Peace Corps contract was finished. This?? Was such an opportunity?? I literally had started making the moves to start a life here -- at least temporarily. Work at my school as contracted teacher for a year, pass the HSK Chinese language test above a 4, use the money to find a better job in Taiwan -- there was a whole plan. 

Every year, Peace Corps meets for 1-2 weeks for In Service Training. We met from Jan. 12 - 17. Usually it’s just to reconnect and make sure all the volunteers are doing their jobs, medical check ups, etc etc etc. It’s a good time to see how other volunteers are doing. 

Jan. 17th we were formally told that the Peace Corps China program was being closed. After 2020, there would no longer be any new volunteers and that we needed to start preparing our schools for the transition. They called it a graduation, but we all knew it was a political move. For five hours, a room of 200 people ripped into the US PC HQ staff as to why they were “”graduating”” the program. They said it was because the budget didn’t call for it and that China no longer needed volunteers in their schools. Which is a lie. Tensions were already really really high, the answers kept gettin more vague, and we finally flat out asked if this was a political decision to remove Peace Corps from China. 

We didn’t get an answer. 

Needless to say, all the volunteers are livid. The information spread like wild fire to all of the schools and volunteers were faced with having to be the representative of a shitty political decision. It was extremely difficult to have to face students and try to explain that Americans don’t hate them when the political system there does. 

Chinese New Year was from Jan 25th - Jan 27th this year. I lived in Chongqing city in the Chongqing province/municipality, a city that has about 32 million people in it. During this time, the city becomes a ghost town due to the holiday being similar to Christmas/Thanksgiving where everyone goes back to their hometowns to be with family. All the shops close and for foreigners it can be difficult to find food because everything isn’t open lol. 

However on Jan. 25th was when news about the corona virus started getting around. It wasn’t very big, but the news was starting to spread. The Hubei province touches Chongqing province, so whispers were starting to come through and most information volunteers got were through foreign sources, but even my Chinese friends were telling me that I shouldn’t go out or if I do, I need to be sure to wear a mask. 

Sunday Jan. 26th, notices are starting to go up on store fronts saying that they are required by law to be closed, but I managed to find a place that was still open. News about the virus is starting to gain traction and more and more information about what is happening in Wuhan is starting to spread. My friend who is staying with me who lives in a small town near the border of Hubei (where Wuhan is placed) gets a call from his school telling him that it is safer for him to not come back to site. We are starting to hear that small towns are shutting down travel in and out, bus systems are starting to shut down and certain areas in the city are no longer allowing taxi or Didi (Chinese Uber)  services. 

Monday Jan. 27th, my friend leaves because all train and bus tickets out of the city were being canceled. My city was slowly starting to quarantine everyone. I live on campus, and when I tried to return after walking my friend to the metro, security took my temperature (with those neat little temp guns) and then wouldn’t let me in because they thought I was too warm. After arguing with them in my broken Chinese and convinced them that I lived there, they finally let me back on campus. They told me that no cars or people are allowed to go in and out anymore. 

I lived near city center and it was obvious that the government was slowly locking everyone away to try and prevent the spread, but it was so eerie and apocalyptic. We had been receiving emails from the PCChina director giving us daily updates that were inching towards the idea that all volunteers were going to be ‘consolidated’, so everyone just needed to be prepared. 

Tuesday Jan. 28th, the notice went out that the volunteers were being ‘consolidated’ to Thailand because China made it illegal for any group of 4 or more people to be together. We were only allowed 1 check in bag and we weren’t sure if we were ever going to be allowed to come back into country. People who were not at their sites were not allowed to go back to their sites. Wherever a volunteer was in that moment that we got the notice was required to get their ticket to Bangkok and leave immediately. I had to pack 2 years of my life up into a single suitcase not knowing if I was ever going to come back. 

Wednesday Jan 29th, I was on a plane and landed in Bangkok. I am a safety warden of my province and the first warden to arrive so I was in charge of all safety until staff arrived. 

But after that, things were very much in the air. We had no idea what was going to happen and every day things just got weirder and more serious and we didn’t know if at all we were going to be able to go back. We speculated a lot, as the news got worse and worse and worse. By Friday, all USA government employees were told to evacuate. No gov employee is allowed to enter China until the travel restrictions were let up, which meant that many PCChina staff - if they were to leave, would be allowed back in until China decided that it was safe enough or... if they wanted them back. 

Sunday, Feb. 2nd, all the volunteers who were at the hotel had a skype meeting with the head of the PCChina program and were told that due to the severity of the situation, all currently serving China volunteers would be forced to COS (Close of Service) by Thursday. The program was ending and we would all be sent back to our respective homes between Wednesday and Thursday. 

When I say it was the shittiest delivery of news imaginable, I cannot even put it into words. After we were all told that we could no longer return to China, we had lost our jobs, and couldn’t even say goodbye to anyone; HQ Staff had the balls to tell us that in order to get our final service allowance, we were still required to fill out paperwork and that we shouldn’t be sad. We should be happy we served at all. 

They gave no time for mourning, many of us put two years of our lives on hold to do this program, some of us don’t even have homes to go back too and they want us to make decisions in 4 days. After Thursday, they will no longer provide any assistance with travel, we do not get health insurance, the moment we COS, PC shrugs off complete responsibility of over 100+ volunteers. 

I have been so busy filling out paperwork and I have been so incredibly angry and sad and resentful that the only person I’ve told is my Dad. Returning to the USA isn’t really an option and the plan I had set into motion is now nonexistent because I’m no longer allowed in the country I gave two years of my life to until they decide that this virus has been resolved. 

I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out where I’m going to live, what job I’m going to have, how I can get a cellphone plan, where I can go because I’m being quarantined for having been in China within the last 14 days, how to manage the money I’m getting -- everything has been changing so rapidly that I still don’t know where I’m going to be by Friday since Peace Corps is only paying for the hotel up until then. 

I promise I’m not ignoring any of you, I really really want to be in a place where I can RP and chat with y’all, but life for me right now is moving so fucking fast and I have to make so many decisions that will affect my future that I literally have not stopped going since Sunday night. 

I still stand by my last message: I really appreciate all the messages you guys have been sending me. I do read them. I just don’t want to talk. I don’t have the emotional capacity to and I haven’t even been given time to just... process and be mad. 

I promise I’ll be back, just give me some time. 

[rusty-memory]

[ tl:dr version: I think Tumblr may not be a good place for me to be, but I still want to RP and do memes, so my notifications are on and I’ll see it if you ping me (as long as Tumblr remembers to actually send it to me ~_~ ). ]

[ Actual details: Behind the cut for people who don’t want long post being long on dash~ ]

I originally had this titled “I kind of hate Tumblr”, but that isn’t really accurate. It's more about the things I’ve mentioned before regarding my OCD and catching up after breaks, as well as my asocial tendancies. Any type of social interaction tends to be incredibly stressful for me - I’ve wondered at times if “introvert” is even the appropriate term, because I’m not a person who wants some interaction, just on their own terms and with time to recharge; I’m a person who has no real desire for it whatever and tends to do better, mentally/emotionally, with as little human contact as possible.

The exception to that was always RP, because you kind of have to interact with people for that, you know? And for a long time, I managed it okay. The specifics of why that changed don’t really matter here, but ultimately, I had to cut a lot of people off because I had a serious offline crisis to deal with and I felt like no matter how many times I said, “I am not able to be social anymore, it’s too much stress on top of everything else I’m going through, I will be turning off my IM services and don’t know when or if I’ll be back,” it was just being ignored.

I had already been on Tumblr for a few months prior to that, in large part because I’d heard there was an RP community here. It’s very different than the RP I’ve done before, which has both pros and cons. One of the things I’ve liked is that no one expects me to be on call for OOC conversation. I’m not getting badgered for my Skype name or logging on to find strings of, “Hi. Hi. Hi? HELLOOOO?” messages from people who know why I wasn’t available but apparently thought I should be anyway. I can comment on posts in passing if I’m feeling it (or not, if I’m not). I’m even able to enjoy bouncing comments back and forth with some of the other muns because it’s low-pressure and a lot of the time we’re just making terrible jokes.

Tumblr itself, though... It’s too easy for me to end up completely overwhelmed. I miss even just a day or two and there are likely to be 80 pages (or more) waiting for me. I don’t feel like I can RP until I’ve finished the backlog because I worry about missing the posts that say, “I’m in a bad place, I need to step back,” and looking like now I’M the one who’s not listening. Or there’ll be a non-RP post I want to respond to, but it’s so old the conversation’s long dead and I don’t know if my input is still wanted or welcome. Things like that (a lot of things like that). But there’s so much I don’t feel like I can deal with it, so I skip another day and now there’s even more of it, and it just goes on and on from there. It becomes something I obsess over and fret about. It’s basically the new “people I cut off” (though in this case it’s not about how I’ve been treated by anyone else; just purely about how I am myself).

This is the first time I’ve been on Tumblr in two weeks, and I haven’t really missed it. A couple of specific blogs, definitely, but the overall experience... Mostly I’ve just had a mix of mild guilt for not keeping up, and relief that I’ve missed so much I’ll never be able to, so it doesn’t matter anymore.

I don’t think I want to get off Tumblr altogether, because there is stuff here I like even outside the RPC, but I also very much need to not be doing what I’m doing now because it’s putting me right back where I was, and right now I don’t know how to manage that other than to not, a lot. (I know for some people the solution is to cut back on how many blogs they follow, but for similar anxiety-piggybacking-on-OCD-and-vice-versa reasons, that’s not something that would currently provide me with relief.)

Like I said, though, I do still want to RP and I love being tagged for the memes, so I have notifications set up both for my phone and (for some things) via email - that way I should catch things that are directed at me even if I’m not checking in right then. I just may not be so hot at dropping replies or dash commentary or spotting starter calls anymore. :/

(And like I also said, I haven’t so much as opened Tumblr for two weeks, so if there were any of those, “I’m done with RP/I’m dropping threads/reply here if you want to keep going” posts in the meantime, I missed them. Soo.... @eternalr0ses @clever-beets I think you were the main people I was threading with, can you let me know (when you feel able to) what YOUR status is and if you want to keep going with our stuff? [ @tes-beaux-yeux should be in there too, but I remember you were already taking a break! But if you come back and want to add your two Pokécents, you can consider this your “also very welcome to” tag. Totally no pressure; I just didn’t want you to think I’d forgotten you or didn’t care! ^_^ ])

(And if there’s anyone else I should have tagged there, you’re gonna have to give me a Slowpoke! My thread tracker’s a mess and I honestly don’t know who else I’m active with and who’s moved on. @.@ )

[vargrblr]

Wendip sweet treat please

Here you go!

WendipSweet Treat

Thetext notification chirped from Dipper’s cell phone in the middle ofthe night. He blinked, confused, then glanced over at his sister,before grabbing his phone off the nightstand to see who was textingat two in the morning. Luckily, Mabel was still snoring gently, herhead buried under the covers

Dippersquinted at the phone with one eye closed. It was Wendy.Why would she text him in the middle of the night? Her message didn’tclarify anything. All it said was:

Hey.You up?

Dippersilenced the phone and turnedon vibrate so as to not wake Mabel. Then hesmiled to himself as he texted back.

I am now. What’s up?

Oh, sorry man. It’s notimportant.

Well, you texted me at 2am, soit must be somewhat important?

Really, it’s nothing. Sorryto bother you dude.

Nope, you don’t get off thateasy, Corduroy. Why’d you text?

Ugh… it’s just… It’sstupid. I shouldn’t have bothered you.

I’ll be the judge of that.Spill it.

Itwas a full minute before the phone showed that Wendy was typing ananswer, and Dipper had to take a deep breath and push aside a minipanic attack at the thought that he might have pissed her off.Finally her message poppedup.

You’regonna laugh but… I had a bad dream. I even woke up crying. Now Ican’t fall back asleep.

Dipperfrowned and bit his lower lip. He wasn’t sure how to respond. Also,why had she texted himof all people? Yeah, they were best friends, and had spentpractically every waking moment of the past three summerstogether—but they werelike… buds. Bros. They never really confided in each other aboutemotional stuff.

Uh,hello?

Dipperjumpedas the phone buzzed in his hands. He hastily replied.

Sorryabout your dream. Wanna talk about it?

It’s kind of complicated totype it all out on my phone.

Want me to call you?

Actually… is there anychance you could come over?

Dipper’sheart picked up its pace. They’dhad all night B-movie marathons before, but Wendy had never invitedhim over in the middle of the night. Despitebeing ‘bros’ with Wendy, he was still secretly enamored with her.He hadn’t ever had a girlfriend, because he judged every girlagainst Wendy, and there was simply no comparison.

Noproblem. On my way.

Dipperhopped up from his bed, andthrew on a pair of jeans over his boxers. He was already wearing at-shirt, as was his habit during the summer, when he shared a bedroomwith his sister. He grabbed a flashlight, and was about to pocket hisphone when it buzzed once more.

Thanks, Dipper. You’reamazing.

Dipperfelt a blush spread over his cheeks. He wasn’t sure how to respondto that, so he tucked his phone in his pocket and quietly trotteddown the stairs and out the door.

/

TheCorduroy house was a black silhouette against the night, save for thesoft glow emanating from Wendy’s first floor bedroom. Dippertiptoed through their yard, and tapped gently on the glass. Wendy wassitting up in her bed, dressed in an oversize t-shirt and basketballshorts, hugging her knees to her chest, but as soon as she heardDipper at her window she shot up off the bed and threwthe window open. She didn’t even wait for Dipper to climb insidebefore throwing her arms around him and squeezing. In fact, shepulled him inside while she hugged him. Once he was fully inside and hadhis footing, Wendy let him go and shut the window.

“Wellhey to you too,” Dipper wheezed, rubbing his ribs. “That dreamreally freaked you out, huh?”

“Yeah.”Wendy climbed back onto her bed. She scooted back against theheadboard and patted beside her.

Dippereased himself down next to her, and leaned back into the pillows. Hestared at her expectantly. “So what happened in the dream that’sgot you so shakenup?”

Wendytook a shaky breath. She was paler than usual, although her cheekswere tinged pink. She met Dipper’s gaze, then quickly looked away.“You died.”

“Oh.”Dipper rubbed the back of his neck. He wasn’t sure what he’d beenexpecting, but him dying was definitely not it. “So,uh, that sucks.”

“Ijust… you were gone, and I was never going to get to see youagain,” Wendy explained, her voice quavering. “It felt like myworld was ending. Like—whenever you go back to Piedmont at the endof the summer, I miss you like crazy, but we Skype and text andemail, so I still get my Dipper fix, even though you’re not around.But in the dream, it was different. My world shattered.” A teartrailed slowly down her cheek.

“Geez,Wendy, don’t cry.” Dipper wiped away the tear with a thumb. Heplaced his hand on top of hers and squeezed gently. “I’m here,okay? I’m not dead. Everything’s fine.” It felt lame as he saidit, but he didn’t know what else to say. Wendy was the strong,stoic one outof the two ofthem. He could count on one hand the number of times that he’d seenher cry.

“Pleasedon’t ever leave me, Dipper,” Wendy said softly, her voice husky. Shegazed at Dipper, her red-rimmed green eyes sincere. “Because I—thedream made me…” She trailed off and bit her lower lip, staring upat Dipper from under thick, wet lashes.

Dipper’sbrow furrowed. “The dream made you what?” It suddenly occurred tohim that their faces were extremely close together. While he wasnearly always completely comfortable around Wendy, the way she wasacting right now made Dipper feel lightheaded and a bit sweaty.

Wendylooked down for a moment, then met Dipper’s eyes once more. Herlips parted slightly, and she took a deep breath. “It made merealize… I love you.”

Dipperblinked. Surely he must have heard her wrong. Or—siblinglove—that’s what she must mean.Heforced a grin. “Well, I love you too, man. You know that!”

Wendysighed, her lips twitching upward at the corners. “I meant, I’min love withyou,dork.” BeforeDipper could gather his wits and respond, she put her hand on theback of his head, twining her fingers through his sleep-tousledcurls, and pulled his face to hers. She pressed her lips softlyagainst his.

Dipperfroze, and trembled. He’d dreamed of this happening, but neveractually expected it to. Wendy pulled away, her cheeks burningcrimson.

“I’msorry! Did I—I thought you—” she stammered. She paused when shenoticed the smile spreading across Dipper’s face.

“Don’tworry, you thought right,” he said low. He leaned in, wrapped hisarms around Wendy, and pulled her back toward him. He pressed hislips against hers, and murmured softly against her mouth, “I’m inlove with you, too, Wendy. I always have been.”

[silkkpopbonnet]

Dilemma

Jay held her through the night, listening in the darkness as she told him what happened. He was angry for her, and about the situation but he knew he couldn’t do much. He could help her through the issue and be there. He wouldn’t be able to change her father's mind, that much he knew. He thought of a few things in his mind, but he wouldn’t mention them to her.

Instead, he kissed her, helping her out of her clothes. Yeon had nipped his lower lip, pushing him on, as she laid down on the bed. “Just make me forget tonight, for a little while."

He smiled at her, moving her thick curls from her face. He could fulfill that wish. His body leaning overs hers, Yeon closed her eyes, and let Jay work his magic.  

The next morning he was up early and gone, he left her a note in the kitchen, stating he had to go to work and he would come by later. Yeon sat in her kitchen, nursing a bowl of cereal as her phone rang. It was her mother.

She didn’t want to answer it, her face still sore but she did. "Hello."

"Yeon finally, how are you? Are you badly hurt? Your father feels awful."

"If he feels so bad he should be telling me that, not you mom.” She spooned more cereal into her mouth.

"He will. Sweetheart, please come home.“

Swallowing, Yeon sighed. "I’m fine here. Honestly, I don’t want to go back there until dad apologizes, and he understands my point."

Her mother breathed deep. "I understand. He isn’t here now, but I know he will call you. Please answer. I love you Yeon. For exactly who you are, remember that."

Yeon wiped a tear from her eye. "I know mom, I love you too.” She hung up the phone, groaning.

She was not about to go to class today. For the rest of the day, she hung around at home. Marcella didn’t answer the phone, Jay was steadily texting her, she was ignoring Jun Seo. Around evening a knock at the door made her jump and she went to the door looking at the video feed screen. Her father was there.

Yeon opened her door, face wary as her father waited. “May I come in?"

Yeon moved away from the door, walking back into her house. She sat down on her couch, pointing to an adjacent chair where her father sat.

"Jay Park visited me today."

Yeon sat forward. "He did what?"

"He came to see me and talk to me today.” Her father crossed one leg over the other, his hands clasping in front of him.

Yeon didn’t say anything. She waited to hear what he would say. “He told me what he thought of you, what happened last night, and my blatant disapproval of him. I won’t go into details but I will say this. I approve of him for now. Forgive me Park Yeon, for striking you. I was wrong. I love you, child, I just fear for your future."

He rose to a stand, coming to sit next to her. Yeon turned her face from her father, a tear coming down her cheek. His hand touched the spot on her face where he had struck her, the other rubbing over her thick curls. "So often you look like your mother, and I forget that you are more like her than me. I know I shouldn’t try to mold you. Forgive me, I am trying to do better.”

Yeon refused to look at her father, but he held her anyway. His strong arms coming around her, squeezing her, until she turned her face into her father's chest and cried silently.

“You want my approval as strongly as I wanted my own fathers.” He said quietly into her hair, stroking it. “Instead of giving it, I turned away, because I was unsure how to give it. Forgive me.”

Yeon didn’t know how long she sniffled onto her father's shirt, but as she calmed he lifted her face and wiped her eyes with his handkerchief. He kissed her forehead. “Too much like your mother when I met her.”

She grinned, sitting back up. “I just want you to let me live, I’m smart enough to know when something is too much. I know when I need you and mom.”

“I should trust you more.” He nodded at her.

They talked a little while longer before her father stood to leave. He apparently remembered what she had said the night before, and expressed his disapproval that Jay should not be staying the night at her place. However; she was an adult, and he knew she would be safe. When he left, Yeon felt lighter. She felt as though everything just might be ok.

The next few days everything was good. She was with Jay, whenever she had time or studying. She laughed with Marcella on skype and texted her constantly on Kakao. Life was good for Yeon. She formally met the rest of the guys from AOMG and started a friendship with Hoody.

A few weeks later, she was studying in her living room, slurping over a bowl on noodles and kimchi when her phone rang. It was Jun Seo. She hadn’t taken his calls in a long time, and didn't respond to his texts either. She let the phone go to voicemail, and this time he actually left a message.

Yeon, why are you ignoring me? Your father told me that you had been busy with school, but this long? I needed your help with something. Call me back? Please? I miss your voice.

She rolled her eyes but picked up the phone. He at least deserved an explanation. She could do that right? He picked up on the fourth ring.

“Yeon?”

“Yes, I’m calling you back.”

“Finally! First, listen to me. I’m sorry about that, I really am. I should have never expected you to do anything for me, and treat you like that. I really do apologize.”

Yeon sighed. He could be so sweet at times. “I understand. Thank you Jun Seo.”

“Second, I want to see you. My niece, she’s 17, her birthday is coming, maybe you can help me with what young girls like? She does want perfume.”

Yeon bit her lower lip, tasting the noodle juice. “I mean I can text you some types that might be good. I don’t know though..”

“Please? I’ll keep my hands to myself. Just let me see you. Help me out here.”

Yeon closed her eyes thinking. He didn’t deserve being told over the phone. She could at least tell him what was up in person, and help him find a gift. Strictly platonic. Jay couldn’t be mad that. She’d tell him later.

“Ok. When?”

Eagerly, he gave her the address of a store to meet at. She put the address into her phone saving it, before hanging up.

“Thirsty ass.” She said to herself, before sighing and diving back into studying.

Since Jun Seo wasn’t an option anymore, Yeon didn’t care what she wore to meet him. Her off shoulder sweater was warm enough, and she tapped a boot on the ground, looking around for him. A hand clamped down on her shoulder, causing her to jump before Jun Seo wrapped his arms around her, hugging her.

“You look beautiful.” He whispered near her ear.

She-halfheartedly hugged him back. “Thanks. Now your niece right? Did you smell what I have on? This is Armani Code for women. A classic smell. She should like this.”

He took in another whiff of air near her. “I don’t want to think about you every time my niece is around.” He laughed, wiggling his eyebrows.

Yeon smirked. “Don’t be creepy. I have other options.”

They browsed scent selections for a while, before finally choosing Flowerbomb by Viktor and Rolf. An expensive perfume that she personally loved. Her own bottle was running out. He tried several times to hold her hand, and each time Yeon moved her hand away telling him no. As they exited the store, he pulled at her sweater.

“Perfume and maybe some clothes? Wanna help?” He smiled at her, rubbing her arm.

“How about a gift card? That way she can choose what she likes? Don’t be cheap either. Get a visa one she can use anywhere. $200 should be good.” He nodded, and Yeon looked around the area, they were standing.

No one was around, so this wouldn’t be so awkward for him.

“Jun Seo listen, I’m with someone. Like, actually with him. So, I can’t see you anymore. I’m sorry-” He cut her off, making her sit down with him on a bench.

He hurt her arm and Yeon snatched away, as he forced her to sit. “Why did you do that. Stop.”

“Who is he? What does he do for a living? Does he work for your father?” He was staring at her intensely.

Suddenly, Yeon felt uncomfortable. “The answer to all three is none of your business. I’m just telling you, that I’m sorry I didn’t tell you beforehand. I really am. You’re a nice guy though, plenty of women would love to have you.”

“I don’t want them. I want you.” He grasped her hand tight, and Yeon sighed, struggling to free her hand.

“Jun Seo stop, I told you I am with someone. Look, we can hang in a group. Or something, but not one on one like this.” She smiled at him, hoping he would just let her leave now.

Instead, he scowled, his face turning angry. “Why? Why someone else? You didn’t even give me a chance. Who is this guy? Can he pamper you as I can? Is he as talented with his tongue as I am?” He lowered his voice to a whisper, probably hoping to tantalize her, but Yeon pulled away from him standing up.

“Ok, that’s enough.” She stood up, pointing her finger at him. “I’m with someone, and that’s that. You’re a nice guy, hopefully, you find someone, but it’s not me. I hope your niece likes the gift, goodbye.” She turned away, walking fast.

She could hear footsteps behind her, but she half hoped it was just random people walking around.

“Yeon!” He called after her, catching her arm again, his other hand cupping her chin. “I’m sorry, I just-”

“It’s fine. Just stop ok? I’m sorry, I didn’t tell you earlier. We both are. That’s that. Have a good day, Jun Seo and take care of yourself.” He squeezed her hand, one more time, and she gave him a small smile, before walking away. Her hand slowly sliding out of his hand, as she departed through the crowd.

Back in her car, Yeon sighed, looking down at her phone. One missed call from Jay, she put her phone to ear dialing back. No answer. She would text him after she got home. Unbeknownst to her, the scene of him catching up to her, Jun Seo holding her hand, was all seen by Jay. The AOMG CEO was grateful he was alone, during that time. He watched her walk away, watching him catch up to her, and touch her face. Her smiling at him. Why did he trust her? Why was she out with him? Alone! Jay called her once, while he watched her walk away, and she didn’t answer. In his own car, he looked down at his phone and saw it light up as she called him back. He immediately pressed decline. Fuck that. He wasn’t anyone’s second choice.

Later that night, Yeon looked down at her phone again. He still hadn’t called her back. Or answered her texts. She was getting annoyed, it was like Jay to be busy, but damn at least he was a good texter. She groaned, pressing send once more. Ringing. More ringing. Voicemail.

“Jay, I’ve been calling you all day. Where are you? Just text me back or something damn. I’m getting worried over here.”

She hit end, tossing her phone on the bed, as she went to shower for the night. After she came out, she tapped the home button to see he had texted her back. Her heart racing as she opened the message, looking down at the words expecting something sweet, and apologetic.

Why don’t you call Mr. Businessman? I’m sure he’s dying to talk to you

She frowned at the message, trying to figure out what he meant by that, texting him back.

Excuse me? What’s wrong with you?

She knew he had his phone all day because the reply was swift.

Don’t fucking play with me Yeon. You know what’s up. I saw you. I fuckin told you…whatever. I’m done

Yeon swallowed a huge glob of fear in her throat as she realized Jay must have seen her and Jun Seo today. How? Why, would he even be out and near her? Seoul was so big, how could he have? What the hell? She sat down on her bed, scared and anxious at the same time. Her fingers dancing across the touchscreen, as she typed.

I don’t know what you saw, but it wasn’t  what you think. Just come here, or pick up the phone and let’s talk about this. Please.

She waited for an answer. 10 minutes passed. 20. Then an hour. Yeon looked over at her clock. 11:25 pm, he would still be awake, and probably home. She tossed a jacket on, over her Hello Kitty pajama pants and a tank top, and raced out the door, to Jay’s apartment.

Twenty minutes later, she stood at his building ringing the bell. No answer. She rang three times, and finally, a doorkeeper, came out, asking her what she wanted. He informed her that Mr. Park had not been home all day. Yeon, bit her knuckle, trying to think of where he could be.

“Work.” She said to herself, thanking the doorman and running off.

The AOMG building was quiet this time of the night, but she knew the codes, and licked her lips, as she stood in the elevator, riding to Jay’s own floor. The black doors opened and she opened the large glass door that leads into his office looking around.

Heather Headley was quietly singing: I Wish I Wasn’t in the background, and she found Jay sprawled out on his white sofa, a glass of liquor in one hand.

“Jay.” She said quietly, wrapping her coat closer around her.

He sat up quickly, placing his glass down, blinking a few times, recognizing her. “Fuck, do you want?”

Yeon was taken aback by his words. “Ok, first of all, don’t talk to me like that. I came here looking for your ass, to explain something to you.”

Jay smiled at her, sitting up on his couch, his arms spread. “Explain what? How I saw you with Mr. Businessman? His hand just touching all on your face? Fuck, outta here, Yeon.”

She crossed the room fast, standing in his face. “You’re drunk, and as much as I don’t want to argue with you now, I will. I was not on a date with him. He deserved me telling him to his fuckin face, that I was with you. A little courtesy on my end. I helped him find a present for his niece and we talked that’s it.”

Jay stared up at her, looking into her eyes. He believed her, he was sure he did but was he really sure? “How can I trust you?” He stood up, Taller than her, his face coming to hers. “You were creeping the first three months we were together.”

He started walking towards the glass door. “What the hell! We were not together like that! You never asked me anything. You assumed!” She followed after him, astonished when he opened the door for her.

“Leave Yeon.” She put a hand on her chest, looking at him.

“No. You aren’t listening to me. You aren’t going to just write me off, like one of your video hoes, and think it’s ok. I told you what happened.” She closed the door, standing in front of him.

Jay walked away from the door. “Least they let me know what I’m getting up front. You’re sneaky with it. I told you, I didn’t want you around him. I told you.” He poured himself another glass.

Yeon pinched the area between her eyes. “I did not kiss him, I did not hold his hand. How much did you see? Because, if you had been there long enough, you would have seen, I did not let him touch me willingly.”

“So unwillingly, there was touching?” He took a sip, crossing his leg over one knee.

Yeon groaned. “I don’t know what you want from me. I was up front, and I told you. As soon as I got into the car, I was going to call you and I saw you called me.”

“My point is. I asked you not to do something. You did it anyway. I caught you. I saw him touching you. Do you know how pissed off that makes me?!” He stood up yelling at her. “What? Do you think this is some sort of game?”

Yeon bit back tears. “Believe what you want.” She walked towards the door, grabbing the handle, just as she felt him hold it closed.

“Now, you don’t like the conversation so you can leave? Fuck that. Daddy’s girl always gets what she wants hm?” His breath smelled of Hennessy. “I love you, Yeon. I do, but you don’t know when to leave well enough alone. When I tell you something, I’m not talking out the side of my fuckin neck.”

Yeon pulled on the handle again. “You’re drunk and I don’t want to do this now.”

“I’m not doing it later!” He held onto the door tight. “I’m not drunk either, I’m buzzed. Now turn around and look at me.”

She swallowed, feeling the hot lump pass into her esophagus, as she turned to face him. Jay’s hand was soft on her face, his warm hand pressed to her cheek, before cupping her chin, turning her face left to right.

“What are you doing?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Looking you over, I told you, I don’t share.” Yeon slapped his hand away.

“I told you, you didn’t have to share me.” Jay grinned at her.

“I was at one point. Kinda makes me wonder if he touched you before I did.” Her hand came up to slap his face, but Jay caught it roughly pushing it down to her side.

“Don’t hit me. I would never a hand on you.” He let go of the door, sighing. “I told you how I feel, you haven’t said a thing. Leave, Yeon. Think about this. If you want me if you really want me. Then come back, until then-I don’t want to see you tonight.”

He walked away from the door, stumbling a bit, before sitting down on the couch, watching her. Yeon, looked at the door then back to Jay. She knew what she wanted. She wanted him, she wanted to be near him, with him, under him. Why did this feel like a test? Was she supposed to leave? Would she lose him? She was never the type to depend on a man, for something. Or to go running back to one. If he wanted to be that way then fine, she was well aware of the fact that she did nothing wrong.

“I’m not lying to you, Jay. I hope you believe me.” She turned away from him, walking out the door.

Jay leaned his head back on the sofa, staring up the ceiling, wondering what was happening.

END

[t0bi0l0gy]

ML Fluff Month Day 3: Summer Love

ML Fluff Month Day 3: Summer Love

Ship: Adrienette/Ladynoir?

AU: anon!/nonsuper!

Words: 1889

Rating: G

Summary: Love in the age of the internet? More likely than you’d think.

A/N: This was kinda rushed so I apologize in advance but I was really busy today and didn’t have a lot of time to write because of work! (hope you enjoy anyway!) { @miraculousfluffmonth }

Day 2 ~ ao3

ChatInTheNight is online.

Marinette smiled, as she pushed aside the dress she had been working on, and opened up the private chatroom she shared with her online ‘friend’. She really wasn’t sure what she considered him. They talk all the time, but she has no idea who he is or what he looks like. For all she knows, he could be catfishing her. But she trusts him, oddly he seems trustworthy. They’ve skyped before, but they had created an odd rule to stay anonymous.

Chat: Good evening, milady. Sorry I’m late for our date ;)

Marinette rolled her eyes, before typing back a witty response. The good thing about talking over the internet is you have a chance to think about what you want to say, before you say it. If only she had that luxury with Adrien.

LadyLvck: In your dreams, kitty cat. This bug has standards.

Chat: Meowch. For all you know, I could be a hot model with rock hard abs.

Adrien chuckled, as he held his laptop on his lap. Talking to Ladybug was one of his favorite pastimes. It didn’t take long for him to fall in love with her, but she constantly talks about this boy who is not him. She really cares for him. Adrien gets a little jealous as he thinks about the boy who has her heart, but he brushes it off as he waits for her reply.

LadyLvck: Pics or it didn’t happen ;)

Adrien wasted no time responding.

Chat: If I did, you wouldn’t be able to resist me. But if you insist...

LadyLvck: HA. You’re bluffing. I knew it.

Adrien decided to play along, even though he really was a hot model with rock hard abs. It was best if Ladybug thought he was hoking, because Adrien didn’t want to come off as that self-involved.

 Chat: All right you caught me. I’m even hotter.

LadyLvck: Yeah and I can fly. Nice try, Chaton.

Chat: I thought Ladybugs could fly?

 After that, Ladybug stopped responding for a while. It happens sometimes, she has a life to get to. Sometimes it’s dinner with her family, or her best friend arrives unexpectedly, or last minute babysitting. But she always comes back eventually. So Adrien just put his laptop off to the side, and rolled out of bed. Despite his incredible room, Adrien had trouble finding anything to do to pass the time. He wished he could spend his Friday evening out with his friends, but his father refuses to even let him set foot outside unless it involved school, fencing, or modeling. He hates being locked up in his house all weekend, but it’s not all bad. It gives him a chance to talk to Ladybug. When she’s around at least. Adrien had proceeded to staring up at the ceiling when his laptop beeped, signalling a message from Ladybug. He reached behind him, turning the laptop to face him, and he read it slowly.

LadyLvck: Hey, I really need to get out of my house. Are you free tonight?

Adrien couldn’t believe what he was reading. Would he... really meet Ladybug. Then maybe would be a good time to confess his feelings for her.

Chat: Is something wrong, milady?

Marinette had tears streaming down her face, so she couldn’t read the screen very clearly. She managed to type out an ‘I’m alright. Just bored :)’ to satisfy Chat, but in reality she was sick of the secrets. She needs to know who he is.

Chat: As it turns out, I am totally free tonight. Purrrrfect for you.

LadyLvck: I guess my luck prevails today. If we were to meet at the park by my school, how would we find each other?

Marinette knew what he was going to say before the typing bubble even appeared on her computer screen.

Chat: Wear my sweatshirt I sent you. I’ll be able to sniff you out, bugaboo.

LadyLvck: What about you? Not that I don’t trust you or anything...

Chat: Trust me, bugaboo. I’ll know when I see you. Because you’ll be the prettiest person in the park. ;)

By now, the sadness and hoplessness she had felt only moments ago, and was replaced with a blush and a smile. Chat was the only one who seemed to notice her. To most everyone else, she was invisible. Except for Chloe. Chloe had come into the bakery, and her snarky comments finally pushed Marinette to her breaking point. But Chat and his flirting helped her to feel better about herself.

LadyLvck: Can’t wait to meet you again Chat Noir.

Chat logged out first, and she followed not long afterwards. Standing up, she moved to her closet, pulling Chat’s sweatshirt from the floor, and pulling it over her head. It was a little baggy, but surprisingly, it fit her well. It was just a black hoodie, with cat ears on the hood, and a green paw print on the pocket. Marinette pulled the hood up, and slipped out of her house. She avoided the bakery, mainly to avoid her parents, and started off towards the park.

Adrien couldn’t decide what to wear. His first meeting with Ladybug. He wanted to look his absolute best, but also look recognizable. She needed to be able to recognize him. So he pulled a red blazer with black accents from under his bed, and he grinned like a cat. It was perfect. Slipping the jacket on, he opened his bedroom and slipped out, unnoticed. His first time sneaking out of his house. It was exhilarating, honestly. He hurried along the busy Paris streets, towards the park next to their school. Ladybug didn’t know this, but he had found out one day that they go to the same school. As Adrien walked, he tried to figure out his Lady could be.

Alix, Rose, Mylene, Chloe

... Adrien cringed at the last one, and continued down the line.

Juleka, Alya, Sabrina, Marinette.

His mind lingered on Marinette a little longer than he liked to admit, but he pushed the thoughts out of his head, because it couldn’t be her. Adrien had never known the girl to be sarcastic or teasing. Marinette was too kind to be that way.

The park was growing closer, and Adrien’s pace quickened with anticipation of finally meeting Ladybug, the girl who he can’t seem to ever stop thinking about. He noticed the girl wearing his hoodie almost instantly, and his heart rate went crazy, and he knew his cheeks must be bright pink. From where Adrien stood, he couldn’t see the girl’s face, and she was scribbling furiously in a notebook. Adrien broke out of his trance and moved towards the girl. The girl looked up suddenly, and locked eyes with Adrien, who exploded in a deep blush. Ladybug is Marinette. She has been the whole time.

God, I feel like such an idiot

Adrien thought to himself, as he brought up one hand to wave at her. Marinette just smiled shyly, closing her notebook quickly.

“Hey, Adrien,” She paused, a tense giggle leaving her lips. “What are you doing here? Well, I’m not saying you can’t be here because you can, and I am really happy you’re here! But it’s not like you came here for me, no of course not. I just...” Marinette silenced herself, groaning before looking up at Adrien, who was just smiling weirdly at her.

“I’m here to see you.” Adrien managed to choke out, and Marinette gasped and blushed darkly, turning her head away from him to hide her blush.

“You WHAT?! I mean... sorry.” Adrien knew this was probably the most awkward conversation he has ever had and probably will ever have, but he doesn’t care. His head is in the clouds, he feels like he’s flying.

Marinette is Ladybug

.

And she’s sitting RIGHT THERE. And she is wearing my hoodie.

Adrien could die happy. But he knew that he couldn’t tell her he was Chat, Not yet at least.

“Well, I saw you sitting there alone and thought you could use some company.” Adrien couldn’t help the suave tone his voice took on as he spoke. He had a strange urge to impress Marinette now. Even more so than before. Marinette looked around, and Adrien knew she was looking for him. Well Chat Noir.

“I- I’m actually waiting for someone. A-A friend.” Adrien smirked, and bumped her shoulder with his own.

“Does Marinette have a date?” Adrien was hoping for a positive reaction. He needed to know if she truly felt the same way. Marinette giggled, a faraway look in her eyes. Then she giggled again, but the affectionate smile that crossed her face gave Adrien all the answers he needed.

“No...” She brushed him off, another giggle escaping her lips. “I mean, maybe? It’s complicated.”

“How so?” Adrien slid into the spot next to her on the bench, and she pulled the hood over her face, which Adrien guessed to cover another blush.

“Well, for one, I have never met him in person,” Marinette paused, as if she were waiting for a response from Adrien, but he willed himself to stay silent. “But also, I’ve never met anyone, besides maybe my parents, who cares so unselfishly for me. Like I complained that my room was cold and he literally

sent me this sweatshirt

. In the mail.” She turned to meet Adrien’s gaze. Marinette has had a crush on Adrien for years now, and everytime she would look at him, her brain would malfunction. Now, that awkwardness had faded. She still loved Adrien, but the way she felt about Chat was completely different.

“He must really love you.” Marinette coughed, and turned to narrow her eyes at Adrien, who was just smiling warmly at her.

“W-Why do you think that? We’ve never even met?”

“Does that matter?” Adrien knew this whole situation was very ironic, but he was enjoying every second spent with Marinette. With school approaching soon, he wanted to spend the year with Marinette by his side. If she would let him. Marinette opened her mouth to respond, but just closed it again when she caught Adrien staring at her.

“Well, if he were here, I would consider this a date. But I’ve been waiting for almost a half hour and he hasn’t shown, so I think I got stood up.” Adrien hated the way her voice cracked with insecurity. Whatever had happened today had really hurt her self-esteem. And Adrien planned to fix it.

“Marinette.” Adrien pulled the hood away from her face, revealing her tear-stained cheeks and puffy eyes. She sniffled, before looking up at him. She tried to smile, to show him that she was ok, but she clearly wasn’t.

Chloe had shown up at the bakery and decided to treat her like a servant, only to not buy anything. Normally, Marinette can easily put up with Chloe, but her day has been pretty unlucky, which is why she needed Chat to cheer her up. In person. But the one time she needs him the most, he doesn’t come. Was it all just a lie?

“Marinette, who do you think you’ve been sitting with this whole time?”

“Uh... You? Adrien Agreste.” Marinette clearly didn’t understand the question. So Adrien just leaned in and kissed her forehead gently.

“Nice to finally meet you, milady.”

[taehyungiestummy]

Summer Dreams -- Chapter Twenty-One

Masterlist     Previous     Next

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2801

| Taehyung: Sorry that we have to wake you girls up to do this, but we have to see your faces!

         I squint at my phone, the brightness as low as it will go is still to much for my eyes that just opened in the early hours of the morning.

         “Are they ready?” Emily yawns, setting up the laptop for our Skype date.

         “With how much planning went into make sure we could do this,” I pull my desk chair in front of Emily’s desk, taking my seat. “I hope so. Having to wake up at the ass crack of dawn is like when we had jetlag, but now I’m tired.”

         “Hopefully jetlag isn’t as bad going home, as school will be just days away when we get back,” Emily leans back in her seat, waiting for the Skype call.

         “I’ll text them to say we are good to go,” I hold my phone up, shooting off the text to Taehyung.

| Me: We are ready for you to call us, so don’t leave us hanging!

| Taehyung: Calling right now!

         A split second later, the Skype ringtone causes both Emily and I to jump. Emily shakes the nerves off quickly, answering the call.

         “Ah, it is so good to see your faces,” I lazily smile, knowing that I must look like a tired dork.

         Namjoon and Taehyung look to be sitting on a hotel bed, but it is hard to tell when all I want to do is focus on their faces.

         “We miss you,” Taehyung slowly says in Korean.

         “I don’t think they can have a conversation in Korean this early in the morning yet, Taehyung,” Namjoon pats the younger boy on the shoulder, saying the sentence first in English and then Korean.

         “I miss you,” I feel like I slur the Korean words.

         “Just talk slowly,” Emily’s Korean sounds like a baby trying to speak. “Our brains our waking up.”

         “I’ll just translate,” Namjoon switches us back to English.

         “You are so lucky that we don’t have anything going on today,” I yawn, rubbing my eyes with the heel of my hands. “I never wake us this early for any reason, so consider yourselves important to me.”

         “I would hope that Taehyung is at least important to you, Amber” Namjoon chuckles.

         “You’re important to me, Namjoon,” Emily blurts out. “Just as long as this never happens again. I can’t wake up this early too much.”

         “We’ll figure out a better system, I promise,” he runs a hand through his hair. “There will be a better time to do this when you are back here, and we are back there.”

         “That’s what you say, but the time zone gap is big,” I bring my legs up onto my seat to cross them like a pretzel. “As long as we get to keep seeing your lovely faces.”

         “I was afraid there wouldn’t be a time where we could all Skype,” Emily leans into me. “That your schedule would be too hectic, and there would never be a break for us to do this.”

         Taehyung rattles something off in Korean, but my brain can only catch a few words.

         “What?” Emily and I shake our heads.

         “He said that we will always make time for you girls,” Namjoon slightly grins. “As long as you make time for us.”

         “Look who is becoming the romantic,” I chuckle.

         “Is it lunch there now?” Emily asks to stop any gushy moment.

         “Yeah,” Namjoon nods. “That’s how we were able to take sometime to call you, but I don’t think that we can talk for much longer.

         “I miss you,” Taehyung pouts. “I don’t like this feeling.”

         “Aw, Tae,” I feel my heart clench with sadness. “We’ll have to get used to that feeling. I hate it too, but we can power through.”

         “We’ll be leaving in a couple weeks or something,” Emily adds.

         “We’ll be back to see you off,” Namjoon nods a few times. “I can promise you that.”

         “You are coming back, yes?” Taehyung asks. “Next summer?”

         “Yes, next summer,” I smile, feeling the pull on my cheeks. “No doubt about it. Nari loves us so much, she wants us to come back more than anyone. We just have to ask her and confirm that we can come back.”

         “Ask her soon, so we know to look forward to seeing you again,” Namjoon grins.

         “I don’t think that Nari will be the one that will prevent us from coming back here,” Emily grips the hem of her pajama shirt. “It is our parents that will take the most convincing.”

         “They let you come this year, so why wouldn’t they let you come again?” Namjoon’s eyebrows scrunch together.

         “Out of the list of places they would have loved for me to go, this was at the bottom.” I shrug, “But I fell in love with the area, and then Nari just sealed the deal. She’s young, caring, and wanted to get to know Emily and me. She was unlike any of my other relatives, so I had to come here.”

         “Nari seems almost perfect for Jin,” Namjoon comments. “She sounds sweet, caring, and when we went over for that party she loves to cook. Seokjin loves to cook, and I’m sure that’s what he would look for in a girl along with sweet, caring, and cute.”

         “She would love to hear that,” Emily giggles.

         “Are we setting up my cousin?” I chuckle, thinking of how my cousin is sleeping peacefully in her room. “I mean, she just said the other day that she would be okay with being set up.”

         “She did,” Emily taps her feat on the floor. “Could you imagine if they liked each other? Or if it went pass us setting them up?”

         “Would he even go on a blind date?” I see that Namjoon is catching Taehyung up.

         “Possibly,” Namjoon shrugs once he’s done translating. “We can try it, but that means we have to get together for sure before you two leave. It would make more sense if you both were there.”

         “I agree,” Emily nods. “We need to do it before we leave.”

         “Sounds fun,” Taehyung smiles.

         “Right when we get back,” Namjoon glances at his phone. His face falling into a frown as he must realize the time. “We need to get going soon, girls.”

         “Aw,” I pout. “Try to Skype again soon. We went too long without seeing you, or hearing your voices.”

         “Yeah, we miss you as much as you miss us,” Emily lets a yawn escape her lips.

         “We will do our best,” Namjoon grins, firmly nodding.

         “Bye jagiya,” Taehyung smirks at me.

         I feel my cheeks slowly heat up, “Bye Tae.”

         The other day I finally came to the decision that I did want to make it official with Taehyung, and while I would have like to do it in person, he and the group had already left for the United States. I had to settle for a message over text, but it worked out all the same. His excitement was evident in all the exclamation points and emojis that he was using. I was a blushing mess, wishing that I could hug him to make it feel even more real.

         “Ah, so you two are dating?” Namjoon teases. “I had a feeling that it might have been made official, after Taehyung couldn’t get a smile off his face.”

         “It was all up to me, and I had to think about it,” I let my fingers dance over my knees.

         “About time you two committed,” Emily wraps her arms around me. “You two are so cute.”

         Taehyung chuckles, “Thank you.”

         “Okay, enough of this,” I wiggle out of Emily’s embrace. “You boys have work to do, and I have some sleep that I want to resume. We’ll see you again soon.”

         “Bye!” Namjoon and Taehyung smile, waving at us.

         “Bye,” Emily and I smile back before ending the call.

         “Well, that went better than I expect,” I stand up, pulling my chair back to my desk. “I don’t think that I can make it back to my bed though,” I feel the tiredness wrapping around me like a blanket.

         “The beanbags,” Emily closes the laptop, standing up to fall into a beanbag.

         A yawn escapes me as I pull a blanket from my bed, curling up in the empty beanbag seconds later.

         “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me that you are now Taehyung’s boyfriend,” Emily tiredly giggles.

         “I wanted it to be a surprise.” My eyes close against my will. “Surprise.”

         “You are adorable.”

         I open my mouth to respond, but the words get lost in my throat. Sleep descends on me, and I greet it with open arms.

********

         “I can’t believe you are just going to leave the books that you buy today at my house,” Nari smiles as she looks at me with my arms full of books.

         “Yeah, that’s the plan,” I nod, shifting the books around my arms to be more comfortable. “Then we have to come back. I mean, we already have a ton of things that we have to leave here, so we’ll be coming back.”

         “And we love you so much Nari,” Emily slides another book off the shelf. “We are coming back to be with you and not just the stuff we are leaving behind.”

         “And of course, your boyfriend,” Nari pats my shoulder. “No need to beat around the bush. I know that he calls you jagiya, and I am so happy for you.”

         I awkwardly giggle, feeling the blush creep onto my face, “Yeah, I know, it is too cute to handle. I’m happy that he wants to call me his girlfriend, and I can’t believe that I get to call him my boyfriend.”

         Emily steps up to me, “Speaking of them. They want to set you up with someone. Blind date with one of the members they believe would be perfect for you.”

         “You’re kidding,” Nari grabs some of the books from my arms. “I mention one time that I would be okay with being set up or whatever, and you are already planning it.”

         “They think you’d be perfect for him. Plus, you live here and speak Korean, so you can see him and communicate with him better than Amber or I will with our boyfriends.”

         “Am I his age?” Nari looks between us, holding up a hand, “Hold on a second though. Did you just say boyfriends?”

         Emily’s face is as red as a strawberry in seconds, “Um, well, you see.”

         “The answer to your question is yes,” I speak up for my best friend. “However, she is saying that for convivence because the do aren’t really dating yet.”

         “Still, super cute, and I hope that all goes well,” Nari pats Emily’s shoulder. “Now, is the member they want to set me up with around my age?”

         “How old are you again?” I sheepishly smile. “You’d think I would remember, but sometimes I forget how old I am.”

         “I will be turning twenty-two next January,” Nari answers, gently pinching my cheek. “You have too much information swimming around your head, that I’m surprised you stay sane. I’m not surprised that you don’t remember my age, though. I don’t talk about how old I am, as it doesn’t matter.”

         “You are not old, you are young,” I grab a book from the shelf.

         “That is very sweet of you, cousin,” Nari chuckles. “Now, what is the answer to my question.”

         “The answer is he is around your age,” Emily nods. “That narrows down who it could be, but we will not tell you.”

         “I will let it be a true blind date, but what if he says no? Will you tell me then?”

         “The boys don’t believe that he would turn down a blind date after they explain what you are like,” I reply.

         “And how would they describe me?”

         “I’m sure that they would stat by saying that you love to cook, which is accurate. You’ve cooked for us a lot while over here, and we would Skyped a lot while you cooked.”

         “Then they would talk about how sweet and caring you are,” Emily picks up for me. “That you are letting your cousin and her best friend stay with you for the summer because they asked. Hoping that they have a great time in your home, and feel like they are welcome to come back.”

         “And of course they can’t forget to mention that you work at a daycare, so you are patient but stern when need be. That you are a hardworking girl that can take care of herself, but is open to a relationship and having some fun.”

         Nari is widely smiling as the little speech about her ends. “That is very sweet of you to say girls, and I am so glad that is the perception that I give off. Even if he says no, or we find out during the blind date that it just won’t work out, at least I know I did good with the two of you.”

         “I think that it will go perfectly,” I feel a slight cramp forming in my arms. “I also think that we should check out, and then head to a clothing store to get some outfits to take home.”

         “To show off?” Emily tease, bumping her hip against mine.

         “Well, I mean, that isn’t the goal,” I lead the way to the check-out counter.

         “You don’t care what other people think though.”

         “I say that you girls find your back-to-school outfit today,” Nari places the books in her hand on the counter first. “Then I can make sure that you will for sure be showing off to those back home. The ones that you want to, anyway.”

         “Now that’s the attitude that I like to her,” I smirk, placing my books on the counter, handing money to Nari.

         Emily and I stand back as Nari talks with the lady at the counter.

         “We are so close to being like that, but I still have to piece a lot together when in a conversation,” I sigh. “It is still a lot of guess work, and I am not that confident with my own pronunciation.”

         “For just starting to learn the language at the beginning of the summer, I think that we have come pretty far and should be proud of that,” Emily says.

         “I am proud, but I wish that we could talk more with the boys, and do what Nari is doing.”

         “That is the goal for next summer, and we will be able to do it if we keep working hard,” she grabs my hand, swinging our arms.

         “Don’t let Taehyung know that you held my hand,” I chuckle. “He’ll get all sad because he wants to be the only one that holds my hand.”

         “He really likes you. I still can’t believe how close you two have become over this short time.”

         “He’s like no other boy that I have ever been confident enough to talk to. He makes me feel important, and all the compliments, and he’s just too sweet every time that we are together.”

         “The perfect boy for you, that is for sure.”

         “Alright girls,” Nari steps up to us, handing a bag to Emily and then me. “We still have more shopping to, so I say we stop to grab a snack, and then we can shop for a couple more hours.”

         “I normally hate shopping, but being with you, Nari, makes it so much better,” I let the older girl lead the way out of the bookstore.

         “I’m glad that I can bring some joy to something that normally drags you down,” Nari holds the door open. “Your reward will then be a nice home cooked meal.”

         “You’re going to make me even more hungry,” I groan as we head to Nari’s car.

         “She’ll let you know once she’s ready to tap out, so we better get as much clothes shopping in before then,” Emily settles into the back seat with me.

         “It’s just clothes shopping you hate?” Nari starts the car up.

         “I mostly hate trying every thing on, and not really know what I want going in,” I shrug. “With books or video games, I have an idea of what I want to get. With clothes, I could get anything. My style can be whatever I want it to be.”

         “Understandable,” Nari nods a few times, backing out of the parking spot and then we are on our way to some clothing stores. “I think that is just you being an introvert, though.”

         “Whatever it is, hopefully there is a snack place nearby, so I can recharge a little before we dive in.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Two chapters in one day, I am so proud of myself! This one is a little shorter, but it is kind of a filler chapter anyway. Hope you enjoyed reading! I am working on getting at least one chapter out tomorrow, so look out for that. The end is near for this. :D

[irl]

u know what time it is ;)

**traumadump

so this is gonna be a lot more milquetoast compared to the other one. more like teenage whiny bitching but yknow. we all deserve to have some teenage whiny bitching sometimes

my first serious relationship happened sometime near the end of highschool. i dont remember how old i was. tbh i dont even remember his actual name. now i just know him as ‘ten’ which is good enough to call him now

id only dated one other person before him. (technically there were a couple others but they were pedo online ones and idrc or remember much abt them smh). her name was fallon. she was my first girlfriend and honestly she was fine. 10/10 would try again. nothing rly bad happened there, i was just young and dumb and thought having a crush on someone else meant i was cheating on them and i felt bad LMAO i was like 13 or 14.

ten tho. ten was my first serious relationship. we had met through a mutual friend and we hit it off pretty quickly. i dont remember all that much about him if im gonna be real. we dated for almost a year but most of him is gone along w the rest of that time. i remember the “break up” quite vividly though. it wrecked me lmao

the only other thing i really remember is when i was finally able to give my dad a funeral ten years after the fact. we travelled down south. (im pretty sure arkansas. my mom told me when i moved here that my dad was buried near here. all this time i thought he was in texas and all lol). i remember staring up at the sky and watching the clouds while i sat in the passenger seat. told him i loved him like i love the clouds or smth. it was a nice moment, i was feeling nice all things considered.

the break up though. that shit Sucked. i remember, because it was one of the things that hurt the most about it, was that at some point we had had a conversation. he felt bad (? this conversation is fuzzy so some may be inaccurate or vague) about how he had broken up w an ex of his before. we ended up talking and i communicated that i would rather be broken up with directly, to just be told, i had severe abandonment issues and to just suddenly disappear would be the worst

i had actually told him that at least twice? maybe more? the way that we “broke up” is that i woke up one morning and went to message him on skype (lololol) and found he had blocked me. found he had blocked me on every platform we knew each other on. without so much as a word

our last conversation was about how much he’d been missing his dog bcos he was away visiting family for a couple months. it sucked. it felt like shit. it was my first major break up and it wasnt even a real break up lmao

he came back a few months later sometime that summer, messaging me via snapchat. i remember when i saw the message i was at work, it was like 3 am. i was sitting next to the ice machine in the back, slacking off like usual. idr exactly what he said to me but i remember first it hurt rly bad. then i got angry at him cos like lmao the audacity. he basically turned it all around and blamed me for it and dumbshit tried to make himself out to be the victim and the bigger man idk idr teenage bullshit i dont remember if i responded but i dont think i did

abandonment has been something ive had to deal with a lot. and it sucks. its made it hard to trust people, to open up. like really open up. at this point these dumb posts that i make are the only real ways i could ever get stuff like this out for anyone to see. it doesnt feel as serious. if they wanna read it they can but they can opt out whenever they want and id never ever know. theres no fear of rejection here. just apathetic observance.

idk who im writing this for. myself mostly im sure.

the longest time ive ever lived somewhere was around 7 years. in colorado. and even then we still had to move once near the end. i dont remember the ages and numbers anymore so i cant give an exact time. but that was the longest piece of stability i ever had. and i couldnt wait to get out

i think. at some point, instability becomes a comfort. when its all you know, having something there that feels permanent is terrifying. it feels like it can be taken away. when you get used to constantly living rolling with the punches, it feels dizzying to try to right yourself. to stand up straight.

when i moved into my first ever apartment that i signed a lease for, i bought a kitchen table for ten dollars from goodwill. i was able to get it home and lug it up to the second floor and into my house. i got it righted and placed where i wanted it to be and i was so proud of myself. later that night i had a breakdown over accumulating furniture.

i lived with my mom and dad. then they started fighting. i dont remember the timelines or chronological order. but i lived with my dad, then i lived at my (paternal) grandparents house. i lived with my (maternal) uncle and aunt. i lived with my (maternal) second cousin. i lived with my (paternal) aunt. i livef with my (unrelated) aunt and uncle. i lived with my mom. back with my (unrelated) aunt and uncle. back with my mom

we lived in an apartment. there was a girl i was friends with. we would go swim in the pool sometime. she lived with her dad and her skin was tan

we lived in a duplex on a culdesac. there was a girl and her brother nearby. i was best friends with them. i cant remember their names? last i heard the girls sibling is nonbinary? im not sure.

living with someone in the south. idk. it was a house. there was a girl nearby. her house had a lot of lush green. her cat? or dog? had babies. there was one they named dw for death wish because it kept trying to walk off the deck

one time my mom bought a house. there were a lot of kids i hung out with. they made it a game at one point to call each other while i was there to bad mouth me to prove that the others were awful and i shouldnt be friends with them. i shouldntve been friends with any of them tbh. i just wanted friends in general

the friends arent trauma. im just walking thru what i can remember because i. yknow. the amnesia. sometimes walking through things helps me to remember more. i mean the snotty girls definitely werent great but yknow kids are mean they say crass things. i eventually got better friends

that was the only time my mom owned a home. my sister and i were real young, still in elementary school. we were kids and had messes. my mom never taught us how to clean just told us to go do so. so she was mad that we were kids and had messes. one day she took everything i had and everything my sister had and locked it into one room and put me and my sister as well as a weeks worth of clean clothes for the each of us into the other room. she took away every comfort item we had. she changed the locks to one that needed a key. we stayed minimalist kids for a while after that.

that kickstarted a hoarding disorder that ive since gotten 10000% better about. hoarding already ran in our family and so did paranoia disorders. she did things like that regularly. she would target my stuffed animals specifically. once i remember she barged into my room with big black trashbags and took every single stuffed animal and stuffed them in. including the Special One stuffed animal. she took him right from my hands. i sobbed at her to stop and i watched as she threw them all into our garbage and wheeled it out to the street for the collector the next day. she dragged me back in by the arm and forced me back to my room to go to bed.

now that sucks huh

anyway she didnt actually throw them out. she went and got them back but that doesnt erase what happened now does it? thats why i dont like the shitty bullshit ass pranks people pull on their partners like “i pretend to cheat on my partner” or “i break up with my partner as a prank”. like lol just bcos at the end of the day the scenario was fake, it doesnt take away the fact that for however long it was kept up, you forced that person to live in a reality where it was explicitly real. she forced me to live in a reality for an entire night where she had taken the things that bring me the most comfort and safety feelings in my life, which she was well aware of which is why she targeted them so often, and destroyed them. that. broke fundamental trust in her in ways i cannot describe

when i left florida and landed in arkanas out of money my mom offered to take me back. she had been getting better. i basically cut contact with her for a while and then came back but only talked to her enough for her to just barely witness the awful things that happened in florida without her really being able to do anything at all lmao abd then i told her she needs to shape up or else im leaving altogether and that scared her enough to start becomjnt a better person for me for herself for my little sister. and shes grown a lot. when she offered for me to come back though, she demanded that i “just forgive [her] and stop being mad at [her].”

ive made it very apparent that im not angry with her and i dont hold what happened in my past against her beyond any reasonable extent and that it doesnt affect how i interact with her now, however there are many things that she did that i have to heal from and cope with. i havent told her in those words exactly but the sentiments have been repeated throughout various conversations

bearing that in mind. the demanding that i just forgive her. i become that kid again. the scared 9 year old kid whos dad died just a couple years prior whos been moved across the country countless times with countless people who inflicted varied but unique to the other trauma whos not been able to have a friend for more than a year or two at a time whos never had a stable support net whos lived in and out of poverty whos lived in and out of secure housing whos only “constants” has been his sister and his mom, one of which he fights with constantly (as siblings do constant bloodshed) and the other has not had a single healthy coping mechanism in her entire life and is slowly losing the ability to effectively sympathize with even her own children whos only real constants, real positive influences, has been tv and his stupid little plushies. the scared kid whos watching his mom take everything she knows he cares about and forces him to believe time and time again that this is really it that shes finally serious. shes scary when shes serious and she always somehow manages to be even scarier, which means shes even seriouser.

it sucks

i dont know if she did it. i dont wanna believe she did it. she says she didnt do it either. and i feel like if she knew i was questioning her it would demolish her. i dont wanna think she did it. that she pushed him.

i dont remeber who first told me that she did though. i know shes adamantly denied it to me. and i believe her. but god. sometimes i think about how violent shes been with me. what would stop her?

i dont think she pushed him. whats more likely is that they were just fighting and he tripped and went down the stairs. i dont remember it i was too young. i remember being told afterwards that while he was stuck on the stairs i went and got all my stuffed animals and surrounded him with them to make him feel better

thats what caused the dormant cancer to awaken. it was some kinda bone cancer. something about the fall and hurting his leg. i dont remember him much. it hurts to think about him. i wasnt that old when he died tho. i just know he was my best friend. he showed me more love than my mom ever has. its not her fault tho. she was raised to not even be able to effectively express happiness let alone anything beyond that. especially not love. it took her 21 years to tell me she was proud of me for something

he was my best friend though. i dont remember much about him but i feel. the warmth. the smiles. i loved him a lot. i think thats something my mom always feels bad about. inadequate. she knows she doesnt have the ability to express affection like he did. its okay though, i understand her. i get it.

my dad though. sometimes i wonder what itd be like if he were still around? idk. the Orphaned Wondering™️ lmao

logically he didnt abandon me. but he was one of the final and toughest nails in that coffin though. really the only clear memory i actually have of him though is seeing him cold and empty on the medical examination table. i was still small so my eyeballs were Level with his body. i didnt understand it. my mom accused me of using him as a crutch so much that i think it just forced my brain to Expunge as much information about him as possible just to prove her wrong bcos how can you crutch on the pain of losing someone you never even knew, right?

shes kept using that up till i was 22 or so. idr exactly when the last time she said that to me was. i think i stood up to her about it once and she stopped then. this was after she was already scared lmao i think the combination is what got her.

one of the big times i remember is when i finally came out to her as trans. she didnt like it to sum it up. she made me sit through one of her signature multi hour presentation lectures when i told her about how i was such a disappointment and a let down and blah blah blah and eventually i was sent away. the next day she sends me an email (LMAO AN EMAIL) basically telling me she doesnt support me and then goes on a long tirade about my father and using him as a crutch and how he died having two daughters and what would she say to him now because “yes 🥺 i still talk to him” and whatever.

that also started her long lines of kick out threats. after i came out to her, every two weeks to a month she would actively threaten to kick me out and give me ultimatums. leading to the Penultimate moment when i had gone down to texas with a friend to help them move for college and i went with them to a tattoo parlor so they could get a tattoo. my mom sees me at a tattoo parlor (she was On that tracking shit since well before life 360 was a thing. once she called me in the middle of class in highschool accusing me of being at the bar next door cos her shitty find my friends thing told her so and she made me facetime so she could talk to my teacher lmao) and accused me of getting a tattoo. told her i wasnt and she didnt believe me and told me i wasnt welcome back in her home and that i didnt need to bother coming to get my shit bcos its all getting bagged up and tossed out tomorrow. i was two thousand miles from home with only the clothes on my back. had a minor meltdown said fuck it and got a tattoo. then went to houston pride the next day and warped tour the day after that.

my friend i was with blamed themself and felt awful about it. i hope they didnt carry that with them for too long. it wasnt their fault. my mom was Searching for a reason other than the fact i was trans to kick me out. my friend talked to their mom and got me set up with her temporarily.

come to find out that at my bus stop back in town, my moms friend was there picking me up and taking me back to my moms house, effectively kidnapping me lmao. except i was 18 so can that rly be kidnapping? idk what the adult term is. abduction. middle of the night im escorted back into my moms house and she presents me with a contract, throughout the contents of which she addresses me as “the adult child”.

three months later i was moving from colorado to maine to live with my bow ex fiance lmao

thats enough brain shit for tonight. ive got a migraine building and ive been at this for an hour or smth

time to go smoke weed and watch the last episode of that gay pirate show lmao