#even there she tried so so hard to find a way to get the raiders under control without violence

[blookmallow]

so much blood on your hands you're gonna drown in it

[not-neverland06]

How About a Nuke?

Part I / Part II / Part III

The ghoul x fem!reader A/N: Part three is going to be when it gets juicy, this is just them becoming reacquainted. You’ll get the good angst in the next parts. Summary: Your dreams of stardom and fame have been blown away. Your old life is lost to the sands of this new world and you find yourself utterly confused. There’s a man who looks an awful lot like Cooper yelling at you, but it’s not the man you remember loving. Not anymore.

For two days he’s been following the sound of sirens. With no new bounties, he hasn’t got much else to do with his time. Plus, he’s hoping that maybe if he figures out what’s been causing all this noise he can shut it the fuck up. Didn’t matter how far he walked, the blaring wail was echoing across the whole damn wasteland. 

A cough started up in his chest, itching into his throat and rattling his whole body as it ripped its way out of him. He tried to walk through the discomfort but it wouldn’t let him. He leaned over, hands braced on his knees, and coughed so hard he could feel ass jerky coming back up from his “dinner” last night. He clamped a hand over his mouth and forced the bile down. Frantic hands dug through the bag on his side, shaking as he ripped the box open and grabbed his inhaler. 

It took a minute before the drugs had the desired effect, and even then he was still fighting back nausea. He’s got to find a new dealer, that bitch in Filly was watering down her supply and he knew it. Not just that, she was overcharging too, on account of his being a ghoul. 

Even in the apocalypse money still managed to rule the world. Even if it was in the form of Nuka caps. He walked a little further before leaning against a boulder for a break. He wiped spittle off his lips and surveyed his surroundings. 

There was a faded old billboard sunken into the sand, only half of it sticking out. The paper was curled and browned from age and the sun, but he could make it out well enough. Quench Your Thirst, it wasn’t one of hers, though. It was the girl they’d replaced her with. He contemplated shooting it, just so he wouldn’t have to stare at the girl anymore, but it was a waste of bullets. 

Instead, he pushed off the rock and forced himself to keep going. The noise was unbearable now, rattling around his brain and making his ears bleed the closer he got. He must be right on it, only a little while longer and he’d finally turn the damn thing off. 

He lifted a leathered hand to block the sun out of his eyes. He kept squinting, disbelieving in the sight before him. Vault 111 was sitting pretty among the skeletons and dunes of sand. It’s big white numbers upside down as the door was slid open, alarms ringing out and red flashing lights dancing around within the vault. 

He couldn’t believe it. Vault dwellers were practically extinct in the Wastelands, nevermind actually getting into their vaults. But here this one sat, open and ready for the taking. Normally, he wouldn’t risk it, even just to turn off those fucking alarms. But he had just used his last vial and if he didn’t get his hands on some good shit soon, well, best not to imagine it. 

Hand on his holster he started forward, eyes darting back and forth to make sure this wasn’t some sort of trap set by raiders. He didn’t imagine they were smart enough to do that, but apparently Muldaver’s been on the move, this could be her people’s doing. He’d rather not have to listen to someone whining on about a better life and a kind society. 

He’d believe it when he saw it. All people were capable of was greed and lust, it’s been the same before the bombs and it will be the same after. 

He stepped inside, eyes pained as they adjusted to the stark contrast of the glaring sun outside and the soft fluorescent lights within the vault. He spotted a big red button and slammed his palm down on it. The sirens, thank fuck, shut off, but the lights kept going. 

There was a gap between his platform and the next. The control panel clearly needed a Pip-Boy to be operated but he didn’t see any nearby. He sighed and took a running leap, just barely making it to the other side.  

He took another suspicious look around, still not quite sure he was completely safe. His chest tightened with the irritating feeling of an oncoming coughing fit. “Fuck it,” he muttered, starting through the open doorway without a glance back. 

Whatever had happened in here had been messy and recent. He kneeled down next to a puddle of blood and dipped an ungloved finger in, still warm. He popped open his holster and tugged out the gun, better to be safe than dead. 

He had been following the direction the lights had been pointing this whole time, hoping maybe he’d stumble across an infirmary. These vault fucks had to have left at least one bag of radaway behind. So far, though, he didn’t have high hopes. Everything was ransacked. The bodies that were left behind had been stripped naked and beaten to unidentifiable pulps.

So far, the vaults had at least been air conditioned. If nothing else he was getting a break from the sweltering heat that trailed him on the surface. He’d already tested out one of the sinks down here, their water was still functioning. Maybe he could get some of the blood caked under his nails cleaned out. 

While the air conditioning had been nice, the breeze that was coming from the door across the way would have had goosebumps rising on him if he was still capable of that. His head tilted in contemplation as he stared at it. Above every door was meant to be an indicator of what went on in there. 

There wasn’t for this one, though. And despite knowing better, he had to admit, he was pretty curious. He strode forward, tucking the gun back in his holster and slamming the button on the right side of the door. The second it slid open, whatever had been sealing the noise inside broke. 

He flinched away from the sounds of sirens and covered his ears, cussing up a storm as he slammed the button once more. It clicked uselessly but didn’t send the door down again. “Fuck,” he hissed, stepping inside and grunting as the cold bore down on him ten times worse than before. 

Cryogenics, well, the temperature made sense now. 

He stared at each of the pods, the windows frosted over with cold and making it impossible to see the people within. He took his time examining them, trying his best to see if anyone he knew was in one of them. Despite it all, he held a little hope that he might see Janey, maybe even Barb. 

Without any luck he headed towards the terminal, he could probably get the sirens to shut the fuck up this way. Or maybe just get this door closed again. 

In neon green a warning sign flashed over and over across the screen. 

LIFE SUPPORT: CRITICAL FAILURE.  

He glanced back over his shoulder and scoffed. Rich fucks hadn’t thought to have a back up, or did they really think their buddy Vault-Tec would keep them safe? He shook his head and clicked away the warning. He peered through the list of commands but couldn’t find anything except a list of who was in the pods. 

He figured he might as well see if he spotted a familiar name. If they were alive he might be able to get some information off of them. It wasn’t until the bottom of the list that he saw anything helpful. Your name stood out bright and bold and beside it the message:

LIFE SUPPORT FAILING

RISK OF ASPHYXIATION: 

The colon blinked a few times and he drummed his finger impatiently on the sides of the terminal. Finally the risk analysis loaded and he let out a rough exhale. 

RISK OF ASPHYXIATION: IMMINENT 

REMOVE SUBJECT IMMEDIATELY 

His eyes widened and without thinking he clicked the little button. A moment later he heard something creak open, the seal of the pod broken as air rushed out. He turned around and faced your pod, of course it was the one right beside him. 

He ran forward, catching you just as you slumped out of the seat. Your skin was like ice, your lips blue and face purple from choking. It was all swollen, like you’d been struggling to get air in for a while before he came. He frowned down at your limp form, shaking you slightly as he waited for you to take in a breath. 

“Hey,” he brought a rough hand down on your cheek, the leather striking loudly against your skin.

Your lips parted and you took in a deep breath, gasping as your hands flew up to your throat. You turned over, falling out of his arms and landing roughly on the metal grates of the floor. He took a step back, watching as you hacked yourself back to life, your lungs nearly coming out with how hard you were coughing. 

His head tilted as he observed you. You looked damn near the same as the last time he saw you. The only real difference being the slutty little black slip you had on. He scoffed and shook his head. So that’s where you’d disappeared to, sold yourself out to Vault-Tec for some apocalyptic protection. 

Lot of good that did you. 

You clawed at your throat, air feeling like razor blades as you greedily inhaled. You’re not sure where you are, you can barely feel your extremities, you’ve got an uncomfortable draft on your backside. You wince as you sit up, wiping your blurry eyes in the hopes they’ll clear up, metal digs into your skin as you do. 

It’s like when you get too cold during winter and your eyes frost over a little bit. Except, this doesn’t feel like a little bit. You can’t even see your own hand right now. All you can make out is faint outlines of everything, blurry little clouds of color. 

“Hello?” Someone was here, you could tell that much. You just didn’t know who. Metal creaked in front of you and you scrambled back. They weren’t saying anything. Why weren’t they saying anything? 

You wracked your brain for the last thing you could remember and felt tears building along your lashes. Oh god. “Tom?” You called out hesitantly. Maybe they’d changed their minds. Maybe the men who’d grabbed you had dumped you off somewhere. 

You didn’t want to think about what they’d done while you were asleep. You were slowly becoming more aware of your surroundings and very aware of the skimpy slip you had on right now. Not even close to what you’d been wearing when they grabbed you. You wrapped your arms around yourself in a meager attempt at comfort. 

“That who you fucked, sweetheart?”

Your brows turned down. “Cooper?” He sounded a little rough, his accent more pronounced, but you’d know his voice anywhere. It was as familiar to you as your own. “Cooper, where am I?” The tears were spilling freely now the longer he stared at you in silence. At least crying was starting to thaw out your eyes. 

You could more clearly make out his form now, looming overtop of you like some sort of dark omen. You always felt safe with Coop. When someone pushed you too much or got a little too aggressive, you could go to him. 

Right now, though, you felt like prey in front of a wolf. There was no kindness in his words and only a cruel accusation in his tone. Dear god, where were you? And why would he think you would ever fool around with any of these sick fucks behind his back? 

“Cooper, please, what happened?”

He barked out a laugh and you flinched back, “What happened? Well, lets see what the fuck happened.” You heard more than saw him pace across the metal floors, the spurs on his boots clanking loudly. Had he been at a party and come looking for you?

“You told me you’d be back for lunch and I didn’t see you for another two hundred years.”

Your stomach dropped to the floor, “What?” You whispered. 

He knelt down in front of you. “Your eyes still foggy?” You nodded your head mutely. “Well,” he chuckled but it wasn’t the one you knew. This was something mean and sharp. “When those clear up, I’m not gonna look like you remember me, darling. Should probably get out of here before you realize what you’re talking to.”

He made to get up but you shot forward, blindly groping at the dark form of his torso until you latched onto his duster. “Cooper, please, I’m confused. I-” you looked around blindly, hoping to find something to explain how the last thing you remembered was eating pancakes with him. There’s no way in hell it’s been two hundred years. 

“I went to Tom’s to get the script. He made me come in for drinks. There- there were all these men there, they grabbed me and I don’t remember anything after that. Cooper, please, I wasn’t wearing this when they snatched me. What the hell happened to me?”

There was a moment of silence before he let out a sigh. “You didn’t leave to find some safety in Vault-Tec?”

You frowned and let him go, shoving him away from you with as much force as your frozen muscles could muster up. “Fuck you, you think I’d do that to you? How little do you think of me?”

You reached out for the pod beside you, using it to get to your feet. You felt about as graceful as a newborn foal right now, all gangly limbs and stilted movements. You leaned over, catching your breath as you tried to walk forward. 

“If I were you, I’d get back in that pod and let the world rot away. You’re not gonna do well on your own out here, honey.”

You heard his spurs moving past you and then made out his form as he walked through the doors of the room. “Cooper?” You called out, but you knew it was pointless. He was gone. The man you knew was gone and you had no clue what the fuck had happened. 

He managed to finally find the infirmary, lucky enough that a few bags of Rad-Away had been left behind. They’d only had IV bags, so he’d spent a while trying to find a spot where his skin wasn’t so tough a needle could actually get through. 

She had to be lying. 

He felt himself trying to look at the door, like she’d step through, and forced his head down. He flicked at the IV bag, hoping that maybe it would speed it the fuck up. He needed to get out of here. The longer he stayed, the more he wanted to talk to her. 

He’d changed a lot since they’d last seen each other. Whatever he had once felt for her was gone. The man he had once been was dead. There was no point in hurting the girl by giving her false hope. He sighed and leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes and trying to relax some. 

He’d finish this bag, pack the others, and then he’d leave this vault behind. She could figure out what she wanted to do on her own. He didn’t have time for strays or old flames. 

You stumbled around for a while before you finally got your bearings. You managed to make your way into what looked like an office and sat behind a curved desk. A terminal on top sat blinking bright green letters at you. You went through each of the logs, your dread only getting worse the longer you read. 

Tom wasn’t in this vault, that’s for sure. The other names you only recognized from the credits of some movies you’d watched a while back. The men who had taken you from Tom’s house. 

According to the scientist using this terminal, they’d wanted to ensure they had some fun before they went underground. 

You weren’t the only one Tom had sold out. Your entire cryogenic chamber had been filled with other women, each of them dead because of a life support failure. You were meant to be their entertainment while they waited for the world to be ready for the taking. 

You took a break, forcing your eyes away from the screen and staring down at your hands. 

Well, Cooper hadn’t been lying at least. Two hundred years you’d been frozen, you hadn’t even known it. It was bizarre, what felt like only a few hours ago was over two millennia. You’d only just kissed Cooper goodbye and now he was acting like some asshole who wouldn’t even stay to help you to your feet. 

Feeling yourself getting angry and panicked you went back to reading. There was nothing you could do. You’d been screwed over by someone you trusted, you were stuck here. No point in pouting about it. 

The scientist wrote more about the men’s intentions and you forced the bile down as you read. Then he got to what Vault-Tec’s real intentions were. Something about experimenting with cryogenics, seeing how long a body could last, what all it could preserve. You didn’t understand most of it, the language far above your education. 

The men were just guinea pigs, same as you. It brought you a modicum of satisfaction. Barely, though. 

The lead of the whole project gets more cryptic and paranoid the further he writes. Something about Vault-Tec never sending the all clear signal to get the fuck out of here. Security was getting antsy the longer they stayed and supplies were running low. 

It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together when you looked at the blood splattered walls and the white coated corpse across the room.  

Underneath the last entry was a fail safe. In case the experiment was going wrong and there were no other options but to abandon it. 

TERMINATE?

The green pointer blinked as you stared at the question. Your mind traveled to the way they’d swarmed you. How ruthlessly they’d taken you like you were nothing more than cattle. The other women they did it to. You could only imagine what had happened while you’d been knocked out. 

That familiar feeling of anger, disgust, and shame welled up in you. You had always been typecast. The sexy bombshell with nothing else going for her. It bled into other aspects of your life, people treating you like you were nothing more than a walking doll, for their enjoyment and nothing else. 

You’d be damned if you let these men survive what the other women couldn’t. 

You hit the button and listened as the sirens quieted down the hall, the hiss of oxygen as the pods killed their inhabitants. You didn’t allow yourself to linger on what you’d just done for very long, you went clicking through the rest of the terminal. 

Most of it was password locked, you only gleamed enough information to figure out what had been going on while you slept. Bombs dropped, the world went to shit, just like you always thought it would. You’d never considered that you might survive it. 

Maybe those men had done you a slight favor, just barely. 

He sighed as he ripped the needle out of his arm, pulling his sleeve down he moved away from the wall he’d been leaning on. He’d definitely been getting cheated out of his caps. Next time he saw that bitch Ma June, he’d show her what he thought about her watered down bullshit. 

A shadow passed by the doorway and his hand drifted down to his holster. He slipped out of the room and took a peek around the corner. She had her back to him, but he’d recognize her anywhere, even with that ridiculous vault suit on. 

“Hey!”

She jumped and whirled around on him. For a moment he forgot that this was a completely new reality for her. She didn’t know what a ghoul was, she’d never seen one before. Her last memory of him had been his prime. When he’d had a fucking nose. 

Her eyes widened and his grew cold while he waited for the inevitable disgust. He was used to it by now, but he was pretty sick and tired of hearing about it. Especially when the few people who managed to get their hands on his old movies would recognize him. 

The disgust never came, just obvious shock and disbelief. She took a few hesitant steps closer, her eyes darting across his face while she did. He nearly missed her hand coming up, like she wanted to touch him. He caught it at the last second, bringing his hand up to swat hers down. 

She winced and backed up a step, the wonder on her face gone and replaced with hurt. “Cooper-”

He darted forward and snatched her chin in between his gloved fingers. “Now, darling, I’m gonna need you to get this through your fucking head,” he hissed, eyes boring into her terrified ones. “That’s not my name anymore, I’m nothing but a ghoul. I’m not the man you know and I’m never going to be. Let it go and if you know what’s good for you, move the fuck on.”

He could see the tears welling up in her eyes and grinned, she had always been pretty when she cried. “Understand?” When she didn’t respond fast enough for his liking he shook her roughly, “Speak!”

“Yes,” she shouted, clawing at his arm and wincing when her nails scraped across the leather of his skin. “I understand.” He took a moment, looking into her eyes, before he nodded and released her. 

She stumbled back, choking on a sob and glaring up at him. “So, what? Am I just supposed to call you an asshole?” He scoffed, barely laughing. Everything that happened to her today and she could still get a fucking attitude. It was nearly impressive, if not stupid. She didn’t watch who she spoke to and she was going to get killed before the day was up. 

“You’re not gonna call me anything. We’re not working together, you’re on your own.”

She glared at him and rubbed her jaw where he’d grabbed her. Her cheeks were already changing colors, bruises blooming where he’d snatched her. His eyes darted away from her hands and back to her. “Why’d you stop me then?”

He looked her up and down and grinned at the way she shivered, seemed he hadn’t lost all his charm just yet. “That tight little suit of yours is gonna get you killed. People up there don’t take too kindly to people from down here.”

She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, glaring at him. “So, what? I’d be safer walking around in what they had me in?”

He shook his head and started walking back towards the door of the vault. “No.”

He heard her huff and race after him. “You’re fucking infuriating, you know that? What the hell am I supposed to do, Co-” He shot her a warning glare but she’d clamped her mouth shut before she could finish the sentence. She still had that stupid hurt look on her face, like he’d kicked her puppy. It kind of made him want to just shoot her. 

“I don’t have any supplies, all I have is this stupid suit. Please, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

He sighed and stopped. She stumbled forward, nearly ramming into his back in the process. “Go to Filly, I’m sure you’ll find something there.”

“I’m supposed to just know where that is?”

He didn’t bother responding to her, there was no point in it. She would be dead soon, anyway. This world wasn’t made for pretty girls like her, especially not on her own. If she was smart she’d just starve herself down here, at least she’d have running water. 

You watched him walk off and felt like your chest was going to cave in. You couldn’t handle this, he was just Cooper an hour ago. Making you breakfast and kissing you goodbye. And despite the odd deformities, you could still see him. Sure, he was missing a nose, but he was still there. Your Cooper. 

Except he wasn’t. 

You couldn’t quite believe he would be so cruel earlier. He was always mean when he was hurt. You figured maybe he was still sitting with the fact that you hadn’t actually left him behind for Vault-Tec. But his eyes gave him away. 

They were cold, devoid of anything you used to know. The man you had known was no longer there. And if he was, he was buried far deeper than you were interested in digging. You watched him walk away and felt your chest squeezing painfully. 

This was not the fucking time to start panicking. If the carnage around you was anything to go by, then the surface had to be so much fucking worse. Cooper seemed to think vaults were safer, but right now you were staring into the gouged eyes of a corpse who’d been killed by a friend. Clearly, nowhere was safe. 

You couldn’t afford to pity yourself or cry. You’d have to keep moving, process it all later. You pushed off the wall and leapt over the corpses blocking your path. Cooper must’ve stepped in a pile of blood because you could clearly make out his footprints. He seemed like he was going to leave, you bet if you followed him you would find the way out. 

You followed the prints up a set of stairs, but they had faded out completely by the time you got up to the vault door. You winced, blocking your eyes from the bright glare of the sun. Barely a second out of the vault and you felt like your skin might already be peeling. 

Whatever had happened while you were out, this was not the world you remembered. The sun seemed bigger, brighter, more violent. If the skeletons littered throughout the sand were anything to go by, everything was more violent now. 

You tripped over a particularly deformed skull of a beast and scrambled up to your feet. You glanced around, spotting a figure in the distance and ran after it. You hoped it was Cooper you were following, but he was already so far ahead of you that he was barely a dot on the horizon. 

You followed the footsteps he left in the sand and prayed he didn’t notice you trailing him. You couldn’t very well stay down there with all of those corpses. There had been no supplies to protect yourself with except a bloodied scalpel. You wouldn’t make it down there on your own and you certainly wouldn’t make it up here. 

You planned to just follow Cooper until you found something resembling civilization. He didn’t want you around him and you got the message, you’re not exactly eager to share his company. He’s a stranger, the only part of him you recognize is his name, and you’re not even allowed to use that. 

You kept your distance as long as you could. Keeping him as far away as possible so if he turned around he wouldn’t be able to realize he was being followed. But you’re already struggling. He’s not showing any signs of slowing anytime soon and you can barely see anymore. 

Your lips are peeling, throat raw and aching for water. Your eyes are completely coated in sand and being damaged by the sun. You wished you had been better prepared for this but it’s been at least four hours and you’re about to keel over. 

You wheeze, dragging yourself over to a fallen billboard and slumping against it. You’re not paying enough attention to your surroundings, or you just don’t care anymore. You find yourself drifting off and you don’t stop it. You’d prefer if the heat stroke took you while you were asleep, at least then you wouldn’t be aware of it. 

Your eyes drift closed and your head slumps forward, the sun bearing down on your neck and burning away at the skin there. 

You cough and splutter, frantically brushing sand off your face and spitting it out of your mouth. Cooper’s standing over you, frowning and glaring, which seems to be his go to expression now. You glance down at his outstretched foot and realize he kicked the sand in your face. “What the fuck?”

“You know,” he tilts his head and rests a hand on his holster, grinning at the way you shrink away from his gun. “I thought you would have lasted at least another hour.”

You wipe your face off and struggle back onto your feet, nearly teetering over as you did. “You knew I was following you?” You groused, glaring up at him. You’re not sure your anger translates well, though. You can barely hear your own voice, your throat too dry to produce any proper words.  

“‘Course I did, sweetheart. I’d be a pretty shit bounty hunter if I didn’t recognize when someone was trailing me.”

You finally manage to get to your feet and glare at him. “Congratulations, you want a prize?”

His smile drops and he darts forward before you can move away. His hand clamps around your arm and he drags you behind him. You’re stumbling, barely able to keep in stride with him. Mercifully, you notice the sky is starting to turn pink in the distance. Soon, the sun will be down and you’ll get a moment's reprieve. 

“Where are you taking me?” You demand, tripping over a rock and wincing as he jerks you back to your feet. He turns around to glare at you like he isn’t the one dragging you around. 

“Filly,” he grunts. He finally comes to a stop, you ram into his back wincing as your nose slams into him painfully. He doesn’t even flinch and you wonder if he felt it. If he can feel anything with how crisped his skin is. 

“I thought you weren’t going to help me.” Maybe you shouldn’t be pushing your luck. If he is helping you, and that’s a pretty hesitant if, you’re sure he’ll be quick to change his mind. Still, you can’t help but push him. You’ve always had that problem, except before he took it in stride and teased you right back. 

Now, your eyes dart down to his gun, you’re not sure he wouldn’t just put a new hole in you. 

“Changed my mind.”

You huffed and rolled your eyes, “Yeah, I’m aware. I’m asking why,” you cut yourself off sharply, mouth clamping shut because you almost called him Coop again. Your jaw is still aching from the last “warning” he gave you. You’re not looking for another. 

He whirled around on you and you didn’t even realize his gun was in his hand until it was digging into your throat. “Why don’t you stop asking me so many fucking questions, hm.” He sneered and you winced at the sight of his yellowed teeth. Finally you nodded and backed away from him, he kept his eyes on yours for a moment before he holstered his gun again. “Let’s go,” he started walking and you couldn’t do anything but follow him. 

At least this time you weren’t trying to track a dot in the distance. 

The sky was getting dark quick and the temperature was dropping even faster. You hunched into yourself and ran your hands up and down your arms to try and keep warm. It seemed everything was done in the extremes now, even the damn weather. 

Cooper whistled and you hurried to catch up with him. He stood in front of a decaying old house, nearly all of the roof gone. The walls looked like they might cave in soon and it had clearly been unoccupied for a very long time. He opened up the door and walked inside, letting it slam back into your face. 

You caught it and huffed. You followed after him and saw that he was already setting up his spot for the night. He leaned against the half-rotted couch, his hat over his eyes and his arms tucked under his coat. You glanced around for a clean spot to curl up and laid down on the ground. You winced at all the dirt on the floor but figured it was better than sleeping out in the sand. 

Despite your oh-so comfortable sleeping arrangement, you found it hard to pass out. Maybe it’s because you’d just taken a two hundred year nap or the man across from you. Your eyes refused to stay shut and you couldn’t stop staring at him. 

You told yourself you would process your emotions later but apparently your mind had decided now would be the best time. You could feel the tears trickling down your cheeks again and you tried to wipe them away.

Too much had happened for them to be so easily dismissed. You were struggling with the thoughts of what those men did to you. You’re certain your imagination is worse than anything that happened, but not knowing was killing you. You felt violated, just being knocked out like that and being left vulnerable to them. 

And Cooper. 

Cooper was practically dead as far as you both were concerned. You felt like you were grieving for someone who was lying right across from you. You were staring right at him and he was just out of your reach. 

You sniffled and wiped your nose. A loud sigh came from the man in front of you and he spoke without bothering to tilt his hat back up. “I’m gonna take you to Filly and you’re gonna help me with some business there and then we’ll go our separate ways.”

“What?” Your voice was an embarrassing croak and you winced. 

“They don’t take too kindly to my folk down there-”

“You mean zombies,” you interrupted, propping your head up on your hand. 

He finally lifted his hat up and glared, though it was half-hearted at best. “It’s ‘ghouls,’ sweetheart. Never knew you to be racist.” You rolled your eyes and he dropped his hat back down again. “You’ll get me what I need and I’ll have delivered you to, well, not safety, but as close as you can get out here.” He leaned forward, arm outstretched and grinning at you. “Deal?”

Well, it wasn't like you had any other options. You leaned forward, grasping his gloved hand in yours and shaking, “Deal.”

SERIES TAGLIST: @pixelatedprofilepic @o0mellowdramatic0o @bisasterbisexual @julianmarie @v3n1x @weakling-grace

end. — I do not own the characters or the game/show Fallout, but this writing is my own all rights reserved © not-neverland06 2024. do not copy, repost, translate & recommend elsewhere.

[rdr2gifs]

Each time Arthur has helped someone without expecting payment (that I can remember) because I’ve seen some weird takes circling around about how Arthur only cares about money/doesn’t help people (yet again)

He helped a city photographer take pictures and acted as his protector because he liked him

He helped a doctor retrieve a stolen wagon full of medicine, he wasn’t even asked to do so, he did it out of his own good will

He wanted to make an old cranky man happy and proposed finding his lost trinkets for him

He helped Deborah MacGuiness find dinosaur bones out of curiosity. He didn’t receive any financial reward for it. Just a few trinkets and he was satisfied

He risked his life for Marko Dragic’s experiments (his main motivation in this mission was again, curiosity)

He rescued a boy being held hostage by the gunsmith in Rhodes

He rescued people from being trafficked and gave them a large sum of money (he could’ve kept it for himself) for a better life

He helped Mr. White and Mr. Black gain freedom and even helped them again after they got themselves into trouble

He rescued Charles Chatenay on at least 3 different occasions

He instantly hurried to retrieve Sister Calderon’s cross even though he has never met her before

In his first encounter with Marjorie and Bertram, he helps to calm Bertram down and is understanding even though Bertram gave him trouble. He even puts the bartender in his place after he speaks about Bertram in a degrading manner

He agreed to help a man get rid of nigh folk occupying his property and after he payed him with only a rat pelt, Arthur didn’t get angry and still asked him if he’d be really fine on his own after knowing he wouldn’t be able to pay

He let a homeless man hug him and listened to what he has to say

He helped to save Jamie from becoming a cult member and stopped him from taking his life

He helped a boy look for his lost dog

He saved an injured man’s life after driving him to a doctor

He helped a woman get rid of a body after she claimed she had to kill the man in self-defence

He donated to the poor and even to build a shelter for war-veterans

He taught Charlotte how to survive on her own

He tried to save a crazed village out of his own good will

He helped a war veteran retrieve his prosthetic leg and helped him hunt

He helped a man look for his lost friend in the snowy mountains

He helped Rain’s Fall retrieve sacred items important to his people

He helped to retrieve stolen medical supplies for the Wapiti tripe

He saved Captain Monroe’s life after hearing he was in danger

He helped Beau and Penelope escape from their terrible families

He has saved many hunters from getting mauled, given many ladies a ride home, saved people from dying of poisoning, helped gather herbs, helped a lost New Yorker find his way to the town, helped save many people’s lives (lady being held hostage in her own house in Lemoyne, folk getting tortured by The Murfees or Lemoyne Raiders etc.)

Let’s not forget the fact that Arthur is a provider for over 20 people. He cannot be running around and risking his life for free for everyone he meets. He needs money. Even so, he has helped all the people above for no reward and out of his own free will. When I see someone say that Arthur is only motivated by money and never helps people otherwise, I just instantly assume they stormed through the story and didn’t pay any attention. The encounters listed above make up the majority of chance encounters/side quests and in almost all of them he is helping people. 80% of these are also pre-diagnosis.

He has a hard time accepting any compliments or gratitude for his good deeds and always downplays himself. Even in the main story he is never thinking about himself and he always puts others first.

“You did not ask for anything, you only gave”

The encounters where he does require payment pale in comparison to those in which he doesn’t, and even so they are very justified as they are often dangerous, time consuming or straight up ridiculous. It’s weird to assume Arthur only helps people for money when he doesn’t want to deliver love letters, interview dangerous people and sneak into heavily guarded properties for free.

[toxicanonymity]

First of all: I love your fics - every one of them - but especially Raider!Joel.

I have a question or idea: how would Joel react if he saw Sweet Pea doing yoga... She could have found an old book with yoga exercises somewhere and tried it out - be it out of curiosity or boredom... I think he would be quite surprised - and would find such poses "stimulating"... Just a little fantasy on the side... ;-)

yoga drabble

1.3k, raider Joel x f!reader 

raider master list, latest: ✨hunger 👅

ty ily 🖤 i can see this happening SUMMARY: just a little PWP - a reprieve from action/violence but kind of emotional. WARNINGS: I8+ Joel POV, Unsafe P in V, he poses you, ass slapping, creampie, brief light anal play/scare (reader flinches), joel's guilt, dark fluff, praise. reader can do some version of downward facing dog and child's pose. no y/n.

You're in the living room--that room Joel never goes in with the bookshelf and busted tv.  Joel can only see your bare feet and ankles from the kitchen. You’re on the balls of your feet. He’s intrigued. He approaches and stops in the doorframe, quietly leaning against it and crossing his arms. Your hands and toes are planted on the blue, threadbare carpet, and your ass is in the air, exposing your panties under your dress.  He lets out a little “Mm,” so quiet you must not hear it.

Damn, it really does something to him, seeing you at a new angle--one he didn't even put you in. He watches the pose for as long as you hold it, getting more and more turned on.  He imagines himself on the floor, lying face up underneath you, reaching up and taking an asscheek in each hand, pulling you down on his face, licking and gnawing at you through your panties like he could eat them right off you.

You walk your hands back on the floor, creating an even steeper angle, and your dress falls down to your arms.  You grumble a rare curse, and he inhales sharply. You look toward the door. Even upside down he sees your eyes go wide when you look at him. You smile shyly as you let yourself down onto your knees, fix the dress, and turn toward him.

“Don’t stop,” Joel murmurs with his eyes fixed on you like an animal. He palms himself over his pants, fully hard. He’s gonna watch you for as long as he can stand it. 

"not really doing anything," you claim and he cocks an eyebrow at you, looking at the yoga book on the floor next to you. "just stretching,” you add. 

“Mm,” his head tilts back. “look good doin’ it,” he murmurs.  You glance around, wet your lips and look down at the carpet then back up at him. He gives a simple nod that says for the love of God, keep going. You stretch out your arms in front of you on the floor as you fold the rest of yourself into a ball. He admires your arms and the cute way you spread your fingers out when you try to reach further. 

He steps into the room, and you lift your head. “I can help you do it,” you offer. 

“Maybe later." He runs his palm over the bulge in his pants. He gets down on his knees beside you, facing your hips. He slides his hand up the back of your thigh, under your dress, and palms an ass cheek. “Mmmm,” he sighs.  His hand nudges you up off your heels a little bit and you let your weight onto your arms as you move your upper body forward. Close to doggy style but down on your forearms. He throws the dress up over your hips, out of his way, and gets behind you, straddling your ankles so he can see it all. He holds your hips and nudges your position so he can look straight at your crotch, and the pretty little hairs that poke out of the panties, and the white and floral fabric where where a tiny damp spot is forming.

“God damn,” he whispers. He scoots forward and presses the hardness in his pants against you, takes a deep breath, then backs up enough to urgently take his cock out. He spits on his hand and pumps it just a little, returning his free hand to your ass. He nudges between your legs and you spread your knees a little for him. You're such a good girl, letting him pose you how he wants.

He strokes you through the fabric and you moan softly and tilt your hips. 

He slips a finger into the crotch of your panties and growls at how wet you are. His cock bobs heavily as he uses both hands to take down your panties. He runs his middle finger through your folds then slips the thick digit inside, and you whimper. He watches your glistening hole as he swirls his thick finger inside it, gathering moisture. He wants his cock inside you more than anything right now, but he can't resist your smell. He craves it. He closes his eyes and allows himself a little lick that makes his cock twitch. He'll get more later, he tells himself. He can go down on you anywhere, but he rarely gets to see you like this. It's so sexy that you put yourself on the floor with no intention to seduce him, and here he is, bending you st his will. And there you are, on your arms and knees with this hard cock behind you.

He gathers more with his finger, wipes it on his cock, mixing it with his precum before notching it at your entrance.

He pushes into you, just slow enough to watch your pretty little cunt swallow his length. You gasp and his cock twitches as he bottoms out.  All the way inside you, he has one hand on your hip.  With the other, he experimentally smacks your ass and you moan. He does it again a little harder and your walls squeeze him. “Yeahhh,” he sighs as he begins to withdraw his length. He holds onto your hips with both hands and pulls you back hard as he pushes into you, then abruptly starts railing you, jackhammer speed. 

“Ohhh,” your moan is broken by his quick rhythm.

He fucks you like that for a minute, grunting and sighing. “look so goddamn good like this,” he pants, glancing at the yoga book beside you. “Feel so damn good.” He smacks your ass again as he pistons in and out of you. He watches the ripple of the jiggle when he smacks it again.

“Ohhh, baby,” he groans. You whimper and twitch around him like you’re close. He slows down and watches the way your body grips his cock, trying to pull him back in.

“Joel,” you whine. “don’t stop.” 

“oh sweet pea,” he sighs and watches you suck him in again. “how bad ya want it?”

"Bad," you whimper. "Please." He slaps your ass again, then speeds up. You whimper and moan, "yeah, like that--ohhh." You clench around him. He pulls you back on him so your ass is flush against his hips while you cum.

“Good girl," he sighs. He retreats half way then groans as he fully sheaths himself in your pulsing cunt again. His balls tighten and he feels a twinge.  He leans forward to reach under you and feel your breast, his other hand braced on your ass.

As soon as you clench on him again, he erupts with a shudder, returning both hands to your hips, holding you tightly against him as he finishes his release, and you finish yours. He curves his body over yours and his beard scratches your bare shoulder. "Good girl," he mumbles again into your shoulder and you meet his eyes with a little smile. He withdraws his cock and some cum dribbles down. He pushes it back in with his fingers.

His finger trails up to your asshole and you flinch. Shame rises to his face remembering the day you escaped. "I know, sweet pea," he coos, gently prodding but not entering your hole. "Ain't gonna. . ." Ain't gonna stuff all your holes like it's a goddamn emergency, like it's gonna fix everything. "pretty hole, though" he mumbles as he abandons it. He pulls up your panties for you, trying not to think about that day, reassuring himself it's not gonna happen again--any of it.

"You're a real good girl," he says quietly, mostly to himself.

He lets your dress back down. He tucks his cock away, and lies on his side facing you, elbow on the floor, head resting on his hand, silently admiring you.

He wonders how you feel. He wonders if you need anything, but he doesn't ask. "K," he whispers. He pushes himself up so he's sitting. You push yourself up into another pose on all fours and he gives a low whistle, then stands up with a groan to leave you alone.

----

Thank you so much for reading 🖤🖤🖤

[0phiana0]

Twdg Season 4 Characters reacting to reader that has unnatural colored hair!

Characters included are MARLON, LOUIS, CLEMENTINE, AASIM AND VIOLET!!!

Marlon

When he first saw you stumbling across the border of the safe zone your hair was the first thing he noticed

Having pink or purple hair normally wouldn’t be weird but in the apocalypse it really did stand out

I mean where are you finding the hair dye???

The entire first week you’d stayed at the school he longingly just stared at it

From somebody else’s standpoint he might of looked like a total pervert but no he was just really interested in your hair

He doesn’t have an issue with it although he is pushing for you to dye it natural

Not because he doesn’t like it but because he doesn’t want you standing out

He couldn’t handle letting you get captured by raiders

He cares about you too much to lose you (fuck minnie and sophie though lmao)

Despite him being cautious, he really does like your hair

It kind of gives off punk vibes and he definitely digs that (not in that way sillies)

Bonus points if it’s red!

Louis

Louis LOVES your hair and I mean loves it

It’s so colorful and different!

If your hair has several colors he’ll trace his fingers through your hair and try to separate the colors (he doesn’t even notice)

On occasions you say something stupid in front of him he’ll joke about how the hair dye is seeping into your brain

He’d recommend other colors and hair styles that he’d think you’d rock

Once you do eventually run out of hair dye… (crazy how you managed to get so much in the apocalypse) he might secretly go past the safe zone

He knows that there’s around a .5 percent chance any hair dye expired or not is nearby but he just loves you sooo much!

If Marlon catches him he’s definitely getting watch duty for the next two weeks

Clementine

She thinks it’s awesome

Like really fricking awesome

She’s been cutting her hair ever since Lee told her too and your hair kinda makes her miss how long her own used to be before she was forced to cut it

She likes doing tiny braids in it

When she was younger she used to watch superhero cartoons a lot and your hair kinda reminds her of the female characters (which gives her a strong sense of nostalgia)

It’s not just her that likes it though

AJ is mind blown

He loves it so much

He’s never seen anyone with hair that wasn’t natural

If you stop dying it he definitely won’t talk to you for a couple days

Aasim

When you first met Aasim he was sorta cautious of you

Aasim doesn’t try to stand out

He’s okay with observing and watching his environment

While your hair has the opposite effect

You are most definitely going to stand out

At first he didn’t talk to you and just watched you silently

That was until you were both assigned hunting duty so you had to make small talk and you ended up having a lot in common

Since then you’ve been close

He likes your hair but like Marlon he does push you to dye it back to your natural hair color

He thinks it’s kinda dumb how you dyed it in the first place

He’s just concerned for your safety and doesn’t want you getting hurt

Violet

Violet tried so hard not to like it

She had to make herself focus to try to not look at it whenever you too conversed

She isn’t the type to give compliments okay?

Once she subtly talks about how much she really does like it you offer to do hers

She was really excited

Like really excited

So excited that Louis had asked what you’d done to her

You both talked about different colors and styles that you could do to her hair and even your own

You joke about dying it the color violet and surprise surprise she wasn’t amused

But she really likes it overall

She can’t imagine you with natural hair now

[justagalwhowrites]

Yearling Ch. 13 - Falling

You try to find a way to repay Joel for all his kindness. A continuation of Yearling ch. 1-12 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ Only 

Length: 5.9k 

AO3 | Chapter One | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

For a change, you wished you’d paid more attention to your mother. 

She’d tried to teach you how to sew. She’d tried to teach you plenty of times. She had this antique notion in her head that you should know how to embroider shit, that you should be able to repair your future husband’s shirts and socks and jeans and make your future babies little onesies. She’d tried to teach you to hand stitch and use a sewing machine and every time you counted the seconds until you could go do something - anything - else. Ride horses, play music, read. Hell, math homework sounded better than stabbing yourself in the finger with a needle for no damn reason. 

Besides, with a Wal-Mart in every town, who even needed to sew anymore? 

You regretted that at the end of the world.

You’d had to figure it out when you were living on your own in the wilderness. You’d traded for more clothes and the things to keep them in good working order but that didn’t get you far when you couldn’t actually sew. The first repair you made didn’t hold well and you had to redo it again and again. Eventually, you could at least keep your clothes functional without wasting your precious few materials but you’d never done a particularly nice looking job. The stitches were never the same size or evenly spaced and doing any kind of design was completely out of the question. 

You wished it wasn’t though. 

“Ow,” you muttered to yourself, stabbing your thumb with the needle yet again. You sucked the bead of blood off your fingertip. “Fuckin’…” 

You were going to have to call it good soon otherwise you’d never actually finish this damn thing. You’d already spent far too much time on making something as simple as a guitar strap out of canvas, flannel and denim from the scrap pile and leather from saddle bags damaged in the raider attack. If you’d actually bothered to learn how to properly sew, you were certain that you’d have finished the fucking thing weeks ago. And that it would look much better than it did after all that extra work. 

But at least it was useable. And it looked like something Joel would like. Or you thought it did, anyway. You hoped it did. 

It was, in fact, hard to figure out what to give someone at the end of the world. It’s not like you could go to the mall and browse and, while you were closer to Joel than you were to any other person in town, you didn’t know him intimately enough to know things that he deeply longed for or needed but wouldn’t get for himself. Even though you were starting to think you wanted to know him in that way. A thought that made your heart flutter and head get light. 

But you’d watched him play guitar enough that you thought he wanted a strap for his guitar and you were pretty sure he didn’t have one. So you’d gathered the materials and started piecing it together, just making up everything as you went along. It’s not like you had a pattern or much of a plan to speak of. You just found ways to make even cuts, pinned it all together and did your best to make it look like someone besides a clumsy toddler had sewed the damn thing. 

Overall, you were pretty happy with how it was turning out. Had turned out. It was done now if you could just stop fucking with it. You held it up, looking it over, eyes catching on every flaw in the stitching. 

“Think he’s gonna like it?” You asked no one, an old habit that was hard to break after spending years with almost no interaction with other people. “Fuckin’ hope he likes it.” 

You’d tried to make it something special, something that would speak to Joel somehow. The outer layer of fabric was a subtle plaid flannel, one like he wore so frequently you figured he had to like it. The underside was thick, sturdy denim, the leg of a pair of pants that had one side shredded by barbed wire while the other was left intact. You’d brought the scrap leather around the bottom and even burned Joel’s initials into it using nails that you’d shaped into the letters yourself. 

You’d found Tommy working on building something in town one day and you picked up a few bent nails off the ground. 

“What’re you tryin’ to get away with?” He called after you as you headed back home. “Know you’re itchin’ to cause trouble…” 

“Makin’ a voodoo doll so I can fuck with you when you’re not around,” you replied. “Needed somethin’ sharp.”

“You would,” he laughed. “Gonna get you back one of these days, Bambi!” 

“Lemme know when you got the brain power for it, Miller!” 

It took a surprising amount of force to bend the nails into the right shape but you got them eventually, the M in two parts because doing that many bends in one piece of metal wasn’t going well. Then, you heated them up and burned the letters into the leather, ignoring how your hip itched where you’d been branded years earlier as you worked. You anchored the ends of the fabric into the leather and added loops to hook onto the guitar. 

You still felt strangely nervous as you wrapped the guitar strap in paper and tied string around it even though you knew you’d done everything you could and it wasn’t going to get any better. The strap was holding together well, the stitches were at least in fairly straight lines if not equally spaced and evenly sized - and you doubted Joel would even notice things like that - but it still made your chest tight. It had been a long time since you’d given someone like Joel anything at all. But you wanted to. 

The night he’d returned from hunting Simon, he’d walked you home with his arm around you, holding you to his side. His knuckles were bloody and bruised as he pressed his nose into your hair. When he went to leave you on your porch, you caught his wrist and held him there, feeling his heart beat below your fingertips. 

“Stay,” you said, knowing you were all but begging him not to leave but you didn’t care if it was pathetic. You didn’t want to be far from him. You didn’t want to try to rest without him. “Please.” 

He slept next to you again, his damaged hand gently cradling your face in the dark, the steady rise and fall of his chest so close to yours comforting you enough that you could relax for the first time since you’d watched him ride away. 

You weren’t sure how to repay him for that kindness. 

It didn’t help that you weren’t sure what you were to Joel, what he was to you. It was the end of the world, after all, labels seemed silly at a certain point. Besides, what did you call someone you sometimes shared a bed with but were too afraid to go into their house? Whose touch you longed for but just the thought of him undressing you made you very nearly panic? Who you wanted to be around all the time but couldn’t bring yourself to tell the things that hurt you most? You weren’t sure. You weren’t sure what he’d want to be, either. 

But you wanted to give him something. You had for weeks, wanted to do something after for letting you play his guitar, for helping you through the pain of finding your home burned to the ground, for giving you who knows how many shirts now, for being a good and decent man in a world where it seemed like there weren’t any. 

Then, he’d saved your life. Again. And killed the men who’d tried to hurt you, the man who’d possibly sold you out to the people who had taken everything from you, to keep you safe.

You couldn’t repay all that. You wouldn’t even know where to begin. 

So you finally finished the fucking guitar strap. 

Joel opened his front door before you’d had a chance to knock and smiled. 

“Hey,” his eyes were so soft and the edges of them crinkled when he smiled like that. “Was just about to make some tea, want some?” 

“Sure,” you said, trying to smile back but you weren’t sure you managed it, your heart in your throat. You thrust the small, paper-wrapped package forward and stared at his chest instead of his face. Or you tried to, anyway. You still glanced up at him and caught him frowning, brows scrunched together in question. 

“What’s this?” He asked, taking it from you and turning it over in his hands. 

“Nothin’ crazy, don’t get excited,” you stuck your hands in your back pockets. “Just somethin’ I thought you might need so I made it…” 

“You made this?” He asked, smiling again as he held the package up. You nodded, cheeks getting hot. 

“Like I said, It’s nothing crazy…” you muttered, clenching your jaw as you looked off the porch, anywhere but directly at him. 

He properly stepped outside, going for the stairs and sitting on the top one. You sat next to him, your nerves calming a little bit now that you were in this more familiar setting. You’d still never been inside his house but you were starting to want to. Want to go behind closed doors with him, be truly alone with him in his space, be that close to him, know him that well. 

He unwrapped it slowly, pulling it free of the paper, a confused frown on his face at first before he gently, almost reverently, unfolded it. 

“You made this?” He asked quietly, looking at you with raised brows. 

“Yeah,” you shrugged awkwardly. “Look at it too close and you wouldn’t need to ask that…” 

“This is incredible,” he cut you off, running his fingers over his initials in the leather, a sense of almost awe in his voice. “I love it, this is…” 

He looked up from the guitar strap to look at you for a moment, his eyes ranging over your face. 

“Would… would you let me try somethin’?” He asked. 

You weren’t sure if you could speak, your heart in your throat. Instead you just nodded. 

He reached one large hand forward slowly and gently took your cheek in his hand before pulling you - slowly, gently - toward him, until his face was aligned with yours. You froze, your breath catching as his lips pressed softly into your temple. It took you a moment to remember to actually breathe and you took a shaky inhale as he held you close, his mouth against your skin. 

He pulled back as slowly as he’d touched you, looking over you again like he was waiting for you to bolt. Which, you figured, was a fair thing to worry about, given your track record. But instead of relief at the distance, you resented it. He was only inches away but it was too far now. Your head dropped to his shoulder, the skin he’d just kissed pressed against him as you moved closer until your whole body was against his side. 

That was better. 

“Really love it, Sweetheart,” he said softly, his thumb running over the leather again. “I’ve been wishin’ I had one of these and this is so much better than I could have hoped for. Thank you.” 

“Glad you like it,” you said, staying close to him.

“Not some occasion I don’t know about is it?” He asked, voice light, teasing. 

“You’ve just done a lot for me,” you shrugged. “Wanted to do something for you. And I realized that I’ve known you the better part of a year so there’s a good chance I missed your birthday.” 

He chuckled. 

“Haven’t missed that,” he said. “Don’t really celebrate it but… didn’t miss it.” 

You frowned. 

“You should,” you said. “Celebrate it, I mean. When is it?” 

“September 26th.” 

“Oh shit,” you laughed once, darkly. “Yeah, alright, can see why you might not want to throw a party.” 

He laughed a little. 

“Yeah, hard to want to celebrate the worst day of your life,” he said. He paused for a moment before he pressed a kiss into the crown of your head. “When’s yours?” 

“November 1st,” you said. “It was great when I was a kid, my parents let me stay home from school so I could be out late for Halloween. Always ate too much candy with my friends the night before and then spent the day of with my horses.”

“Little different now,” he said. 

You laughed and pressed closer to him. His arm went around the back of you, his hand going to your hip, holding you to his side. 

“Just a bit.” 

You sat there with him for a moment, just listening to him breathe, the birds chirping in the trees nearby. It was comforting, the sound and feel of his existence. 

“Should go get the guitar,” he said quietly. “Try this out.” 

“In a minute?” You asked, adjusting slightly to see part of his face while still being pressed against him. 

He was quiet for a second before you felt his lips in your hair again, his nose nuzzling against you. 

“Course. In a minute.” 

You stayed like that for what felt like a while, quiet and tucked against him, his thumb slipping below your shirt to brush the skin at your hip. You closed your eyes and breathed deep, focusing on the breeze on your skin, the heat of Joel at your side, the woodsy musk of him, the sound of the wildlife just out of reach. It was like you could feel everything within you, the way your lungs moved, your heart beat, your blood flowed, in tune and safe with Joel beside you. 

Eventually, you sat up slowly and opened your eyes again, the side that had been against his feeling oddly cool with the space between you. 

He turned to face you and leaned into you, his forehead against your temple, his nose brushing your cheek. He took a deep breath against you before sitting up again. 

“Right back,” he said, voice oddly gruff. 

He took a little longer than he usually did to get the guitar but, when he came outside with it, the strap was attached. He went to drape it over you but you leaned into the railing of the stairs, stopping him. 

“It’s for you, you have to be the first one to use it,” you smiled. “That’s the rule.” 

He smiled back, making his cheek dimple. 

“Alright,” he put it on and sat down, admiring the leather and running his thumb over the stitching on the flannel before looking at you. “Any requests? I’ll play if you sing.” 

You thought for a moment. 

“Know Just Like Heaven? The Cure?” 

You hummed a little. He laughed. 

“Yeah, know that one,” he said. “Just gotta swear you won’t show me up with it when I give the guitar over.” 

“Promise,” you smiled. 

He tapped out the time on the body of the guitar and then started to play. You just listened for a moment, all but forcing him to loop back around on the intro before you came in with the lyrics. 

“Show me how you do that trick…” 

Joel handed the guitar over after one song, before you were really ready for him to. You liked making music with him, there was an intimacy to it that you hadn’t found in anything else. You’d never done much of that in the past, never wanted to perform so never taken up with a band in your youth. Your music had always been just for you. Joel was the first person you’d ever known that you wanted to share it with in that way. 

He chuckled when he handed the guitar off to you and you frowned at him. 

“Promised you tea,” he said. “’Sides, rather hear you play for a bit.” 

He joined you on the porch again later, you just playing whatever chords popped into your head, no real melody to it. Joel put the cup of tea beside you and sat on the step below you, stretching his legs out, leaning back against the railing and closing his eyes. It looked comfortable, so you did the same, facing the other way so you could look at him, the shadows and filtered sunlight from the leaves of the nearby tree dappling over his skin. 

You liked to look at Joel. You hadn’t ever really had the excuse to do it for a long period of time before but it was easy to fall into it now that you had the opportunity. Your eyes traced over his face, the creases around his eyes, the arch of his nose, the graying hair and beard, his features soft and relaxed as he sat, arms crossed, listening to you play. 

For a second - a split second, one that you doubt you’d have paid much mind to even just five years ago let alone before the world ended - you wanted to kiss him. Wanted to put the guitar down, find your place on this thick legs, lean your body against his and press your lips against his own. You wanted to feel his mouth on you, feel him breathing, slip your tongue past his teeth and see just how he tasted. You wanted to tangle your fingers in his hair and hold him against you and find out where his hands would find a home on you. 

You froze for a moment, a thrill of fear running up your spine the second you actually processed what that would mean. That you’d be that close to someone, that out of control of your own body. It made your chest get tight. Joel opened one eye, frowning a little. You’d stopped playing without really realizing it. 

“Everything OK?” 

“Fine,” you said, looking down at the guitar. Looking at him was apparently dangerous. “Can I ask a favor?” 

“Course.” 

“If you don’t got other shit to do tomorrow afternoon, I need to take a few of the new horses out and try to open ‘em up in a less controlled environment,” you said, absently plucking quiet notes on the guitar. “Could use another set of hands. If you’re up for it.” 

Joel smiled a little. 

“Make you a deal.” 

“Really gonna try and barter?” You raised your brows. 

“Movie night tonight,” he said. “You go to that, I’ll help tomorrow.” 

“What movie?” You frowned a little. 

“Pretty Woman, I think.” 

“Pretty Woman,” you snickered. 

“What?” 

“You’re gonna go watch Pretty Woman?” You were skeptical. “Just on your own if I don’t go, you’re gonna go watch Pretty Woman.” 

“Maybe I will,” he smirked. “Before you agree, you gotta actually sit down for it. We can sit at the back and I’ll be there but no standin’ back against the wall.” 

You made a face. 

“Bambi.” 

“Fine,” you groaned and kicked his thigh lightly. “Gettin’ to be just as bad as Tommy, making demands and shit.” 

He laughed a little, the arm closer to you going to rest between your calves, his hand finding your knee and he closed his eyes again, a small smile on his face. Your heart beat a little faster.

“You were going to help me even if I didn’t go, weren’t you.” 

He shrugged. 

“Never know now, will ya?” 

You laughed a little and took a sip of tea before going back to playing. 

Joel put his arm around your waist to walk to movie night and it stayed there as people milled around, picking seats. 

“Want to sit away from an aisle or next to one?” He asked, holding you to his side. 

“On an aisle,” you said quickly. That would make it easier to run. If needed. Joel just nodded toward two seats on an end and let you pick first. You took the inside one and Joel took the seat on the aisle, draping his arm over the back of your chair and, as the lights dimmed, you sank against his side, your head going to his chest. For a moment, before the movie started, you could hear his heart beat. You could have sworn it got faster when his nose brushed against your hair. 

***

Seeing you with Ares made Joel nervous. 

Consciously, he knew it shouldn’t. It wasn’t the horse that was the problem before, it was Simon. And Simon was no longer an issue. Joel had made sure of that. Ares was just another animal and you were nothing if not an expert with animals. 

But it was still a thing that had damn near killed you. And watching you saddle him up, pet him, speak in that soothing voice to him made Joel uneasy, his stomach knotting as he clenched his jaw. 

“You’re sure he’s ready for this,” Joel was skeptical. You gave him a look and he ground his teeth a little. “Look, I know he’s had problems…” 

“He was just stubborn,” you reached up and gave the massive horse’s head a scratch. He leaned into your touch, his large head nudging your chest. “He knows we’re on the same side now. Don’t you?” 

The horse dragged a hoof along the stable floor and you smiled. 

“See?” You looked at Joel, your face bright and open, always looking your most relaxed around animals. “We’re good.” 

You had Joel ride a calmer mare, Cassiopeia, while you took Ares. You led a third horse, Hera, behind you and Joel watched as you took a deep breath as the two of you left the town’s walls and headed out into the wilds. 

“Promise not to laugh at me?” You asked, your smile broad under the shadow of your straw cowboy hat now that the two of you were about a mile out of town and truly on your own. You had on one of Joel’s shirts, the sleeves rolled up to your elbows and the bottom of it tied around your waist in the heat. 

“Can’t help it if you say somethin’ funny,” he half smiled at you. You ignored him.

“Any time I work with more than one horse, I always want to do Roman Riding,” you crinkled your nose as you said it and Joel frowned. 

“I don’t know what the fuck that is.” 

You laughed and shook your head a little. 

“Forget that you weren’t a cowboy before,” you said. “Just seem like you would have been. It’s trick riding, where you ride two or more horses at once, side by side, each foot on a different horse.”

“Jesus Christ,” Joel shook his head and smiled. “Was your hobby tryin’ to get yourself killed?” 

“Sometimes,” you smirked. “One trick is called a suicide drag after all…” 

“It’s a miracle you survived to the end of the world,” he said. 

You laughed. 

“And just think, that’s the only riding my mother was OK with me doin’,” you said. “But it worked out. That’s the only reason I was able to get up on Samson the day he threw Ellie and who knows what would’ve happened then. Been a while but I remembered how to get on a runnin’ horse.” 

Joel looked at you for a moment. He’d brought you to Jackson to save your life. He hadn’t expected anything more from you except to survive. But instead you’d become a part of the fabric of life there, your work with the horses essential to the survival of the place he’d come to love. 

You’d become essential to him, too. This core piece, he’d realized, something that couldn’t be pulled away without critical damage. 

It had been so long since Joel had felt anything like this for a woman. Most of his life, really. 

Before the outbreak, his life has revolved around his daughter. He worked more than he wanted to give her a good life and, when he wasn’t busting his ass at a job site, he just wanted to be with her. Friends were already too much of a time commitment let alone a girlfriend. There were occasional lovers, a few casual dates and sex or even just a woman he picked up at a bar on nights Sarah spent at a friend’s, a woman who wasn’t interested in anything more than a night of satisfying sex. He hadn’t been looking for love and it certainly never jumped out and bit him in the ass. 

After the outbreak had been worse. 

He had no desire to want anyone, care for anyone at all let alone love them. He fucked women when they offered - the world was over, why deny yourself what little pleasure there was left in it - but the thought of feeling something for anyone was horrifying. 

Tess changed that. He’d come close to loving her that way, or he thought he had, at least. He’d cared about her more than he had anyone else but he was never able to love her, not in the way he thought he should have been able to. He wasn’t stupid, he saw what she felt. But any time he even considered falling into that with her he’d shock away from it. Falling was the exact word to use, something that he’d have no control over and could kill him when he hit the bottom. He’d stood on the edge of that cliff with Tess, caring enough to want to jump but too afraid to do it. And then she was gone because he’d failed to hold up his end of the bargain. He’d failed to protect her. 

You were different. Maybe it was because you appeared in his world after he’d loved Ellie. Maybe you were so inevitable that he’d have fallen regardless, tripped over that cliff’s edge and plummeted toward the bottom, all but welcoming what he’d find there. He hadn’t intended it, hadn’t wanted it but you were just… you. Beautiful and brave and smart and so damn alive in a world that, for so long, had been so dead. He hadn’t been able to help it and, once he’d started falling, he couldn’t stop it any more than he could stop hurdling toward the ground after tumbling off the cliff. 

And he was in it now. The incident with Simon in the barn had proven that, the fear that gripped him stronger than anything he’d felt in so long. It was worse than when his own life was under threat, far worse, akin only to what he’d felt when he knew Ellie had been hurt. What had been an amorphous thing hanging on the edges of his consciousness was suddenly clear and at the forefront: He loved you. Without meaning to, he loved you. Without wanting that kind of connection with anyone, he loved you. Without thinking that would ever be possible, he loved you. He would do anything and everything for you if it would keep you safe, make you happy because he loved you.

But there was a sense of guilt with it, too. You hadn’t told him what happened to you but he could hazard a guess. You didn’t want to be touched - though you said you liked his touch - but touching you was sometimes all he could think about doing. Ranging his hands to feel every inch of your skin - you would be soft, he knew you would be so soft - and pulling you close to him to kiss you. Really, properly kiss you, taste you, have you tight against his body as he swallowed every delicious moan and whimper you let slip from you. Fuck, he wanted that. He wanted it so much it was almost painful. 

He was starting to think that you wanted it, too. The way you fit yourself into his arms, the way you’d guided his hand to your body, the way you relaxed into his lips when he brushed them against your skin. But Joel couldn’t ask you for more. Not when it could hurt you. Even if he wanted it, even though sometimes that felt like all he wanted, what you wanted was more important. 

“Challenge for you, Miller,” you smiled, almost smirking, watching him as you pulled him out of his own head. 

“Shoot.” 

“Race you,” you said. “Out to the trial head and back to where we tie out the third horse.” 

Joel looked at the distance, probably half a mile round trip. 

“I’ll make it interesting,” your voice had a teasing edge to it. 

“You’ve got my attention,” he smiled a little. 

“If I win, you have to make me more of those chips,” you said. “Say… four times. Whenever I want.” 

“And what do I get if I win?” He asked, brows raised. 

“What do you want?” 

You. 

He didn’t say that. 

“Two movie nights, two bar nights,” he said. “Have to sit down for the movies and dance at the bar.” 

You scrunched you nose for a second. 

“You drive a hard bargain, but done,” you said, slipping off Ares to tie Hera off. Joel smiled a little, watching you. You climbed back on the horse and settled into the saddle, cracking your neck and loosening up your arms. “Ready to lose to a girl?” 

“Don’t think there’s much shame in losin’ to you, all things considered,” Joel laughed a little. “But don’t matter, not going to lose.” 

You patted Ares’ neck and shook your head a little before adjusting your grip on the reins. 

“Ready,” you said, staring straight ahead, eyes narrowed, your horse in alignment with Joel’s. “Set. Go!” 

You shot forward, Joel half a second behind you. He pushed Cassiopeia faster, harder, but it was no use. You were just better. There was a lag between Joel’s action and Cassiopeia’s reaction, time for her to understand what he was asking of her. But that didn’t seem to exist with you and Ares, his movements and yours in perfect sync. 

He caught a glimpse of your face just as you turned to run back the other way, smiling like you were having the time of your damn life, eyes wide open and eager instead of cautious and afraid. 

You, smiling and happy and secure, had quickly become Joel’s favorite sight in the world. He’d seen it the night before at the movie, too. It took some time, your body stiff against his for the first half hour or so. But, after a while, you relaxed into him, smiling and laughing and making snarky little observations in his ear and he’d do anything you asked of him, anything at all, to make you feel that happy and safe all the time. 

You reached Hera a few seconds before Joel, bringing Ares about to watch him close the gap. You just shook your head, pulling your horse alongside his, facing the opposite way. 

“You let me win!” You shoved him playfully. 

“No I did not,” he laughed. “You beat me fair and square I’m afraid.” 

“Damn,” you were still smiling, leaning forward in the saddle to pat Ares’ neck. “And here I wanted an excuse to go with you to the bar.” 

The two of you led the horses down trails at first, their first time going through anything but open land with a person on their backs, and then moved to winding through the woods off trail. You switched out horses regularly, each of them disconcerted by navigating the more crowded, natural environment while taking commands at first. But you got them to be more comfortable with it and, by the end of the day, they were taking your commands just as easily as they did in open country. 

“Trade me,” you said, dismounting from Ares. Joel frowned. 

“Sure it’s a good idea…” he began but you waved him off. 

“He’s fine, Joel,” you laughed a little. “Really. Wouldn’t let you get on ‘em if he wasn’t safe.” 

“I get thrown off this damn horse…” He got off Hera and went to Ares, standing so close to you in front of the horse that he could feel you beside him. 

“Then I’ll watch however many movies you want,” you looked up at him, teasing. 

“Alright,” he sighed, offering the larger horse his palm. He sniffed it, skeptically, paying closer attention to you than to Joel. 

“You know him,” you said, voice soothing and soft, dragging your nails gently over the underside of Ares’ long jaw. “He’s a friend, he’s good, we can trust him…” 

Joel watched you, almost feeling like he shouldn’t, like he was intruding on a private conversation with a dear companion. But even if he were, he wouldn’t have been able to tear himself away. He loved what you were saying too much to turn away from it, his heart swelling with it. You trusted him. Of everyone left in this godforsaken world, you trusted him. 

Ares pressed his velvet muzzle into his hand. 

“Good boy,” you kissed the horse’s massive head and took better hold of the reins, turning your attention to Joel. “See? He’s harmless. Hop up.” 

“Yes ma’am,” Joel smiled - couldn’t help but smile - and climbed onto Ares. 

You were right, Ares was fine. You took over Hera and led Cassiopeia as the two of you worked your way through the forest back to a trail and, eventually, back toward Jackson. Ares responded well to Joel’s commands, calm and trusting, nothing like the horse that you’d cautioned him against touching so recently. You’d done just what you’d said you’d do, made it so he would be a good, reliable mount for patrol, no longer the wild creature he once was.

The two of you were almost back to the trail when your face fell. 

“Joel?” You said, the tension obvious in your voice. He rode alongside you and you nodded toward a tree. There was a clean, clear x cut, about shoulder height, into the trunk. Like someone marking a location. “Look like something anyone from Jackson might do?” 

“No,” Joel shook his head, brows drawn together. “No, it doesn’t.” 

You looked at him, the relaxed joy he’d seen in you all day entirely gone. 

“We’ll report it,” he said, nudging Ares a bit closer to you, as close as the horses could really get. “Get a team out here…” 

“We don’t want to check it out now?” You asked. Your whole body was stiff. Hera stomped her feet below you and she chuffed unhappily. 

You were afraid. 

“No,” Joel said. “We’re not equipped to go huntin’ anyone down. We go back. Nothin’ that says they’re here now, not going to risk you. We go back, tell Tommy, make sure we’re equipped to handle whatever it is.”

Your eyes searched his, wide and vulnerable, and he wanted to pull you into his arms and hold you close. Close enough that he knew you were safe. 

“It’s gonna be alright,” he said, holding your gaze. “I promise. I’ll keep you safe. Promise I will.” 

Next Chapter

A/N: Eeeeeeeeek!

Y'all. They are so close. I promise. Next chapter ramps everything up and I've been looking forward to writing it for a while now. I hope you'll enjoy reading it, too!

Thanks for sticking this story out! I know it's been a hell of a slow burn but I've loved getting to settle Joel and Bambi into this comfortable place and building their trust and relationship before we move on to the next part.

I do have an updates blog. Follow and subscribe for post alerts to get an alert whenever I post a new chapter! I promise I won't spam ya!

I so appreciate you all being here and I love you more than words can express. Thank you thank you thank you!

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[mrs-mayor-hancock]

I thought I lost you

Hancock x reader (fluff/angst)

Warnings: mentions of blood, guns, violence, and death

———————————————

The sound of gunshots is what woke you. Your husband jumped up and grabbed his gun, ordering his men to get outside. Goodneighbor was under attack.

You had never gotten dressed so quickly in your life. Racing down the stairs with your gun, you quickly shot down the raiders that had been trying to get into the Old State House.

You scooted against the wall and peeked around the corner, you spotted your husband and K.L.E.O fighting with a group of raiders.

While you were figuring out how to get to your husband, you didn’t notice a small group of raiders coming up behind you. They grabbed you, taking your gun. You screamed for your husband as they dragged you away.

Hancock came running, only to be met with a grenade being thrown at him. Luckily he wasn’t injured, just knocked back. When he came to, you were gone and the fighting had stopped.

————

You sat in a bunker, you had no idea how long you’d been down there. It could’ve been hours, days, maybe even weeks.

As the weeks went past, you studied the group that had taken you. There were six of them. After three weeks, you feared the worst that everyone in Goodneighbor was dead and help wasn’t coming.

————

“WEEKS! It’s been WEEKS since she was taken and not one of you has been able to find her!” Hancock screamed. He had searched everywhere, put out a radio message, and even contacted the minutemen. You were gone without a trace.

“Sir,” a guard approached, “I, along with a few others, think it may be time to consider the possibility that she may not be alive, it’s been three weeks, raiders don’t normally keep their captives alive this long.”

Hancock slowly turned and stared at this guard. He could feel his blood boiling. He threw a punch at him, knocking the poor guard out. “She’s alive, I know she is.”

————

You were able to lift a knife off of one of the raiders while he was passed out. Your heart pounded, if any of them woke up, you wouldn’t be able to fight them all off.

The sandman kills went easier than expected, none of them made a sound. You grabbed an old backpack, filling it with supplies, you grabbed a gun with plenty of ammo and opened the door to the building quietly.

Looking around, you tried to see if there were any other raiders around. Only one at the entrance of the facility, it was a tiny bunker, a hideout you guessed. Quickly getting rid of said raider, you tried to figure out where you were. You wandered a bit, coming to a vault, it was hard to see in the dark but the letters read a clear 111. Your eyes widened in realization, you were near Sanctuary.

You started running and ended up tumbling down the hill towards Sanctuary. You got up and ran, finally coming face to face with Preston Garvey. “Y/N Hancock! Where have you been? Your husband put out a radio message to see if anyone had seen you.” You explained how Goodneighbor was attacked, how you had been kidnapped, and snuck your way out of the tiny bunker.

Preston called in a few minutemen who were able to escort you to the front gate of Goodneighbor.

————

Hancock was buying chems from Fred Allen outside of Hotel Rexford when he heard it. “JOHN!” He froze, instantly recognizing the voice that called his name. Dropping his chems, he turned around to see you running from the entrance. He had never run so fast to get to you. Tears streaming down your face, you jumped up into his arms, wrapping your arms and legs around him tightly.

You stayed like that for a while before he asked what happened. He started walking to your home, you explained what happened as he carried you up the stairs.

“I saw blood, and then I had a grenade tossed at me, which knocked me out. When I came to, you were gone and I was scared, I thought I lost you.”

You shed a few tears as you kissed him. He wrapped his arms around you tightly, rubbing your back while you kissed. The next few minutes felt like you were in slow motion. You stared at each other for a while, you yawned, signaling it was time for a nap. You were exhausted and hadn’t slept properly in the last few weeks.

Hancock lifted up the blankets, tucking you both under, he pulled you close until you were resting your head on his chest. “I promise no one will ever take you from me again” he said as he rubbed your back.

[bearsbeetsbeskar]

Sheep Days with Joel (post outbreak)

Word count: 5.9k (im so sorry i genuinely can't believe I wrote this much about an old man taking care of livestock) Rating: swearing, descriptions of an animal birth (I tried to make it not too gross or explicit), traumatic animal birth, discussions of labour and stillbirths Summary: At Tommy and Ellie's insistence of him finding a routine, Joel is appointed as the sheep caretaker in Jackson. After all, sheep are quiet, and do what they're told. How hard could it be? A/N: this is purely self indulgent, peepaw playing with animals. No romantic interest or pairing, just wholesome father daughter interactions, along with some other characters. Something about the holidays made me think about that conversation that Joel and Ellie had over the fire, and his dream of owning a sheep ranch, and before I knew it 5k was written. If you have read all of this, please know that I love you so incredibly much and you make it worth it to keep writing these silly little stories that bring me so much joy. main masterlist

Life in Jackson had a way of moving at the speed of molasses, while also propelling itself further into the future at the speed of light.

Some days were syrupy and slow, thick with palpable moments of survival, tension and freedom. Memories of what life was like before the outbreak. Other days however felt like the course of an electric current, with glitches and shocks jumping from one event to another, one threat to another in the span of a few hours in a day. Attacks from raiders during ambushes in the early morning, a group of coordinated clickers just outside patrol borders when dusk set in.

Even just the day to day events in Jackson could make one feel that life seemed to pass by at a static, yet dynamic pace, regardless of what routine you had fallen into in the modest settlement.

Joel was still getting used to it. The staticity, as well as the dynamism. Life before Jackson was nomadic. Rootless. Constantly on the run.

Endure and survive. That’s all that really mattered at the end of the day. The words bore a penultimate weight akin to the wartime motivational phrase, ‘keep calm and carry on.’ 

Well, that’s all Joel knew how to do.

Carry on.

Not so much the keep calm part, but he was no stranger to putting his head down and pressing forward when things got tough. Carrying on also meant being strong for others. Something which Joel is constantly reminded that he need no longer do now that he and Ellie are in Jackson. Now that they are safe.

And there is no shortage of people who tell him the same, including Tommy and Maria, and even Ellie.

“You gotta find something to do, man,” Tommy sighed and crossed his arms, leaning into the doorframe of the kitchen. “Something to help you get into a routine y’know.”

Joel glared at his younger brother. “The hell d’you mean I gotta find something, Tommy? I already have a routine.” He scowled and shifted his jaw.

This is the 3rd or 4th time the subject has been brought up and Joel’s just about had it. He doesn’t get it. He does things. He does stuff around the commune. He goes on patrol shifts, helps with the woodworking and labour jobs. He goes to some of the community events, like game nights held at the dining hall or movie nights- even though it takes a good 30 minutes of Ellie’s begging for his resolve to crumble, and he grumbles throughout the entire movie. 

As if Tommy can read his mind, he responds. “Going on patrol doesn’t count as routine, Joel.”

Puffing out his chest and mirroring Tommy’s body language, Joel glares at his younger brother.

“And here we go again,” Ellie quips from her seat at the kitchen table.

There’s a smirk plastered across her face despite her gaze, focused intently on the weathered pages of an old astronomy book.

“You stay outta this.” 

Joel’s clipped tone brokers no room for negotiation, Ellie’s known him long enough to recognize that. But that doesn’t stop her from pushing him, just because she can.

“You stay outta this. Rah rah rah. I’m Joel and I hate everything.” She mocks his deep southern drawl with exaggeration, continuing to look down at her book. 

“Tommy’s right, Joel. Say whatever you want but you can’t just fill your days with the odd jobs around here. And going on patrol. And hanging with me.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Joel exhales, his nostrils flaring. “Ellie-”

“Look, dude,” she cuts him off, “I love you, but it wouldn’t kill you to find something else to do with your time. It’s not the end of the world. I mean, it is but c’mon. It’s like you’d rather get killed by a fucking clicker than step outside your comfort zone.”

At that, Tommy snorts and shakes his head. 

“It’d be a hell of a lot less painful than this conversation, that’s for fuckin’ sure.” Joel huffs and puts his hands on his hips. 

“There’s lots of other jobs in the commune that you could help out with. Jobs that you don’t even need skilled labour experience for.”

“Like what, Tommy? Teachers at the school? Volunteers for movie night?” His scowl deepens, as does the crease between Joel’s brows. 

“Like training newcomers on patrol shifts, working at the clothing shop, working with the livestock-”

“Livestock? What kinda livestock?” Perking up in her seat, Ellie pushes the book away and turns to face Tommy. 

“Just for the horses, chicken, sheep and pigs. Well, it’s really for the sheep ‘cause we came into a decent sized herd in the last couple months, and they’re a bit tricky to look after.” 

Tommy runs his hands through his raven curls and chuckles. “No one’s been able to quite figure them out yet, and they don’t trust Jake- the caretaker for the horses and pigs.”

“Sheep?” Ellie’s mouth gapes open, her bright mischievous eyes finding Joel’s.

“Joel. Sheep.”

Already knowing where the conversation was headed, Joel tips his head back and looks up at the ceiling. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ.” 

__________________________________________________

And that is precisely how Joel finds himself knocked on his ass, after getting headbutted by one of the older lambs, in an attempt to get their halter on and bring them into the barn.

“You little shit, get back here!” he barks at the young sheep as it trots away from him towards the food trough. 

Rubbing the right side of his jaw and grimacing, he sits back on his hands, looking at the rest of the herd a few feet away from him. “I’ve a right mind to tell them to serve lamb for the rest of the month at the dining hall. How’s that sound?”

A few sheep at the hay bale turn to look his way, chewing absentmindedly before ignoring him again.  It had been about ten days since Tommy enlisted Joel as the sheep caretaker, or as Ellie had so lovingly called him, Jackson’s resident shepherd, and Joel had to admit, the job wasn’t half of what he expected. 

It turns out sheep weren’t quiet, and they certainly didn’t do what they were told. Sheep were actually a pain in the ass to keep. A royal pain in the ass. Much different than cows and horses, despite being herd animals. 

Not to mention that they were creative, escape artists, always jumping over the fence of the pen or squeezing in between the slats of the fence. It was a regular occurrence to hear the phrase ‘loose sheep’ or ‘the sheep are out again’ being hollered across the main street, as a handful of them skittered across the main road, Joel out of breath as he jogged after them, the stitch in his side burning through his abdomen, while he knees ached incessantly.

His first week was spent just getting close enough to them so that he could tag their ears for the breeding records. Not that he could manage to even get a hand on any, especially the young lambs.  As soon as he got within 8 feet of the herd they would scurry away, kicking and bucking into the air, or run right past him, as he keeled over trying to catch them. Needless to say, Joel didn’t manage to avoid getting headbutted and kicked a handful of times during those days. 

Cursing, he dusted off his pants and leaned against the fence of the pen. 

“How’s it coming?” Tommy’s voice called out to him from the opposite end of the pen.

Narrowing his eyes in response, Joel hunched over to rest his hands on his knees.

“Easy my fuckin’ ass you liar. These little shits are demons.”

Stifling a chuckle, Tommy rests his arms over the fence and looks down. “Like I said, it takes some time to get to know ‘em. 

It was wrong to laugh at his brother’s misfortunes but he couldn’t help it as he watched Joel’s hulking figure tentatively approach the herd again before pausing as they all scattered around him.  

“S’that why you haven’t been able to recruit any other unfortunate souls for this torture?” Placing his hands on his hips, he shifts his weight from one leg, appraising the herd. 

“No,” Tommy huffs out an exhale, “most folks don’t have the time to commit or they don’t have an affinity for animals.”

He looks out at the horizon, scanning the snow covered peaks of the mountain range bordering the settlement, before his gaze returns to Joel. He smirks as that familiar scowl settles onto Joel’s face. 

“I do not have an affinity for animals.”

Snorting, Tommy looks down at his feet again, nudging the toe of his boot into the hardened ground. “Is that so? That why no one else has been able to ride Callus out on patrol?”

Joel grunts. “That’s different. I wasn’t taking care of him, I was only riding him cause everyone else had their designated mounts.”

Lying through his teeth was easier than admitting that Joel actually loved having a special bond with the chestnut gelding that seemed to hate everyone else. 

It took time.

Lots of hushed murmurs and praise for the gelding to learn to trust again. Not to mention that Joel seemed to have endless patience for the imposing gelding, never getting frustrated with him or upset when their progress seemed to regress. Plus, he had that quiet commanding authority that seemed to ease Callus’ nerves whenever he became frantic and anxious.

Before he knew it, Callus was following him around the paddock, poking his head out of his stall and nickering whenever Joel stepped foot in the barn. 

“Whatever you say, Joel. Whatever you say.” The younger Miller shook his head and stepped back from the fence. “I’ll let you get back to it, since you got your hands full,” Tommy squinted and peered around Joel’s figure, “or, rather, your pockets full, I should say.”

Before he can even glance behind him, Joel feels a harsh tug on his back pocket, stumbling backwards as one of the young lambs tears a shred of the bandana in his pocket.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake! Gimme that back you piece of-” he bellows as the lamb prances away with the scrap of faded red cloth in its mouth, echoes of Tommy’s laugh fading into the background as he walks away.

_____________________________________________

A couple months later …

It had been roughly over a month since Joel started taking care of the sheep. Their upkeep became somewhat easier as Joel figured out their quirks and tricks to working with them, but the real difference was that Joel did indeed fall into a routine with them. 

Everyday he got up before Ellie had to be up for school, and headed over to the barn to give them their morning feed. Then, he’d come home, eat breakfast, and walk Ellie to school, shortly before returning to clean their pen and stack hay bales in the barn loft. Sometimes he would even shear some of them when their coats became too thick. At the end of the day, he’d pick Ellie up from school and they’d have dinner together in the evening, then he would pop out again to feed them dinner and do a final night check before lights out. 

They were surprisingly curious creatures, and smart. While he would mill about his different chores, they would follow him as he walked around the outskirts of the pen. When he was cleaning up the pen, they would nudge the wheelbarrow, knocking it over in the process.

Eventually, they stopped running from him and would eagerly approach as he walked through the barn into the outside pen, carrying a heavy hay bale for their breakfast or dinner.

When he’d get lost in his aimless thoughts, or stuck on paralyzing flashbacks, a panic attack brewing under the surface, he’d feel a tug on his sleeve or the back of his jacket.

Pairs of deep brown eyes surrounded by a halo of soft cloud like wool would simply stare back at him. Calmly grounding him back to reality. Not that he encountered those very often. What was even more surprising to Joel was that he had panic attacks way less often these days, his brain seeming to allow him some rest and solace from its usual fight or flight status. Even Ellie and Tommy noticed too, with Ellie pointing out that he was ‘less of a grumpy motherfucker than usual.’

He never named them, though. He wouldn’t allow himself that liberty.

They were just animals. Creatures.

Creatures, who in the beginning were ‘little shits with crack for brains and body padding like the Michelin man,’ according to Joel. Soon, however, ‘little shits’ turned into ‘little devils,’ which eventually turned into ‘little buggers,’ with an affectionate lilt behind the nickname. 

It was Thursday today and the vet was coming by to look after the horses and give them their seasonal shots, along with the sheep, too. With temperatures dropping, the animals had to be prepared for the harsh onslaught of cold weather that was native to Jackson winters. Although the commune was prosperous and there was no shortage of food and supply, or need to ration, the animals were always of high concern. 

“How much are you feeding them nowadays?” Dr. Joyce, the local vet, asked as she placed her stethoscope to the belly of one of the mature ewe’s.

“‘Bout 25 pounds of hay a day, and 15-20 pounds of grain on top of that.”

She hummed contemplatively as she shifted the stethoscope knob throughout the mass of wool covering the sheeps’ belly. “That’s quite a bit considering the size of the herd you have here.”

She nods to the rest of the herd munching away at their breakfast in the pen.

Joel shrugs in response. “That’s what Jake was feeding them beforehand but he suggested I up it as we come into winter, to help ‘em keep weight on.”

“Well, he’s certainly not wrong.” She reaches into her kit to pull out a packaged syringe, ripping open the wrapping and flicking the end of the needle two times. Small droplets of liquid ricochet out as she pinches the skin of the ewe’s neck, not covered in wool, and gently inserts the syringe. 

“Is there anything else I should be doing? Or anything else I could do to help them more when winter hits?”

While Joel would admit that he still really has no idea what he’s doing taking care of these animals, it doesn’t mean that he won’t give his all in providing care to them. He’s come to realize he actually likes learning about the sheep, aspects of their care, behaviour and physiology. It scratches parts of his brain that were only really activated when he was contracting, woodworking, or other technical jobs. And he doesn’t half ass jobs, no matter the nature of them.

Dr. Joyce swiftly removes the needle within seconds, and smiles warmly at him. 

“Nothing in particular, Joel. You’ve done a great job taking care of these guys so far, I know they’re not easy to look after.”

At that he chuckles and shoves his hands in his pockets as he leans against the stall door. “You could say that. There’s been a deep learning curve with ‘em that’s for sure.”

She nods and opens the back stall door that leads out to the pen, the ewe trots out to return to the herd. “Well, like I said, you’ve done a good job so far. Aside from keeping up with shearing them, although you won’t have to worry about that too much come winter, they’re pretty low maintenance. Keep them on lots of hay throughout the winter, and give them more grain to supplement for the colder weather. And some of them may need more than others, especially the pregnant ones.”

He nods along, running through the mental checklist of things he’s already been doing to increase their food supply, when he looks up at the vet.

“Pregnant?”  His brows furrow and he frowns. 

“Oh boy. I guess Jake left that part out when you took over?” The vet chuckles again as she takes in the dazed look on his face and scans the herd briefly.

“You do have a couple pregnant ewe’s here, probably at least 3 or 4. But that one,” she points to a particularly large sheep under the shelter that’s lying down, unkempt wool and hay covering half her face. “That one, 1633, she’s the furthest along. Probably another week or two before she pops.”

“A week?” Joel repeats it, disbelief still laced in his tone. “Shit, I thought she was just really fat. And lazy.” He narrows his gaze at the ewe, tilting his head slightly as he takes in the obvious rising and falling of her midsection, her legs barely tucked underneath her. 

“Don’t worry, Joel, I know easier said than done,” she reassures him after clocking the worry etched into his features. “But sheep births are often fairly quick and easy, not as intense as horse or cow births due to their smaller size. I’ll be on call over the next week in case anything happens but just put more bedding in the stall here during the evenings for her, and keep her feed the same. She will handle the rest.”

Inhaling sharply, Joel nods, processing it all. She tells him what signs to look out for that indicate early labour, and gives him a brief list of things he can do to prepare, as well as supplies that could be helpful during the birth and afterwards. At least the doc will be there to help out so that he’s not completely on his own, despite being very out of his league. 

“Sounds good, doc, I’ll call ya if I notice any changes in her or when she does drop.”

“Please, do. And I’ll see if Jake can come in for an hour or two during your off hours in the event she does go into labour then.”

__________________________________________

Three days after Dr. Joyce’s visit, 1633 goes into labour. Nearly 10pm, just as the settlement tucks in for bed and night shift patrols begin. Dr. Joyce was busy with another animal emergency, of course. Just his luck. 

So, he recruits the next best thing, and gently wakes Ellie up after rushing back to the house after a night check. He hands Ellie the list of supplies that Dr. Joyce gave him and she blitzes throughout the house, gathering the different things in a box.

Of course, the curiosity, fear and excitement over an animal being born was not lost on his teenage daughter. She fired off a barrage of endless questions as she was right on his heels, following him throughout the house.

“Has her water broken? Is she in pain? What direction is the baby gonna be facing when it comes out? Did you call Dr. Joyce?” 

“You bleat more than the damn sheep these days, y’know that? C’mon just get that stuff together for me.”

Joel huffs as he grabs a bucket from under the kitchen sink, thinking of what else he could grab. It had to be the night when Tommy and Maria were both out on patrol as well, leaving just him and Ellie. 

God help him.

When they returned to the barn, the ewe was in the stall, lying on her side, bleating out her obvious discomfort. He quickly takes his thick jacket off, hanging it on a nearby post before stepping into the stall. 

“Alright, honey, alright, it’s okay.” The low murmurs of his voice only seem to agitate the ewe more, as she bleats repeatedly while he approaches and crouches down beside her. His eyes never leave the ewe’s body.

“Ellie, hand me a couple big towels.” She reaches into the box of supplies and hands him two fluffy towels, crouching down beside Joel slowly. The ewe continues to let out loud long bleating groans, huffing as her body starts preparing for labour and her water breaks with an audible slosh.

“Shit. Well, there goes her water.” He huffs, his mouth pressed into a straight line as he tries to peek and see any signs of a muzzle or cloven hooves coming out. 

Gagging and turning away slightly, Ellie groans.

“Ugh, okay that’s fucking gross!” 

He gives her a disapproving frown. “You’ve seen worse before, calm down.”

“A clicker brain and exploding guts is not nearly as gross as this. How are you not freaking out? 

Suddenly, the ewe lets out a long bleating groan again and thrashes her hind legs, in an attempt to get up frantically. 

“Shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa, mama. Easy there. Y’can’t get up just yet.” He hovers over the sheep and tries to coax her back on the ground.

“Ellie, come around here, help me keep her on her side.”

She shuffles around to Joel’s other side and buries her hand into the soft thick wool, gently pressing down. “Have you ever done this before?”

Joel grunts while he tries to contain its flailing legs, preventing the ewe from rolling over or getting up.

“Nope,” he strains. “I’ve seen one or two cow births, long time ago when I was growing up in Texas.”

“Shouldn’t be too different,” he says breathlessly, saying a silent prayer as he pulls the sheep away from kicking at the stone wall of the barn. “As long as she stays on the ground like this, she should be okay, she can’t get up or roll over though ‘cause it could hurt or suffocate the baby.”

“Okay, okay,” Ellie exhales shakily, wincing as the sheep bleats loudly.

“Hey,” he turns to gaze down at the teenager, his voice quiet but authoritative. “It’s gonna be okay, look at me.” Her dazed gaze snaps from the ewe up to meet Joel’s big brown eyes. Anxious. Focused. “It’s gonna be okay alright? She’s gonna be okay?”

Ellie nods her head, the hint of a smile tugs at the corner of her mouth as she looks down at the ewe again. “It’s okay, momma, you’re okay, just breathe.”

No later than 5 minutes after do a pair of hooves and a muzzle appear. Ten minutes of pushing after that, the tiny lamb is lying sprawled out on the ground, Joel rubbing the remnants of placenta off its body and face.

“Joel.” 

It’s barely above a whisper as Ellie hovers over the baby, crouched on the balls of her toes. 

“Joel. It’s - it’s not breathing.” 

She inhales sharply and leans her head over the mouth, trying to feel or hear for a puff of air. 

He’s silent for a moment, and leans back looking at the tiny body covered in bodily fluids, and realizes there’s no movement coming from the lifeless body. No rising of its stomach, and its eyes are barely opened.

All of a sudden the vastness of the chilly barn shrinks to the size of a shoebox. The air suffocating, as if all the oxygen was sucked out of it.

“Fuck. Fuck. Get me another towel.” 

Rushing over to the box of supplies, Ellie hands him a smaller towel, as Joel leans down and wipes at the lamb's eyes, and around its nostrils. He tries to open its mouth to see if there’s any fluid trapped there but he can’t see.

“Get the baster. Hurry.” His clipped tone betrays his panic as Ellie places their turkey baster in his hand. 

It’s a poor substitution for an actual proper bulb syringe that is used to remove mucus and fluid from newborns’ mouths. He opens the lamb's mouth and inserts the baster roughly, pressing down on the bulb, as murky liquid is drawn through the clear pipette. He squirts the remnants of the baster out onto the ground and reinserts it into the lambs mouth, drawing more mucus and crap out a few more times until it’s empty.

They both wait a beat, panting heavily to see any sign of life on the little sheep. 

“She’s still not breathing. Fuck.” Ellie’s voice trembles. “She’s not breathing, Joel!”

“Okay, go into the feedroom and fill up the hot water bottle with warm water okay? Warm water, not hot, I’ll try to swaddle it in more towels, get some heat going.”

Immediately, she races to the feedroom with the rubber water bottle. As Joel hears the water running in the background, he wraps the lamb in two big towels. The ewe is now up and pacing frantically around Joel, sensing something is wrong. 

“C’mon baby, c’mon,” he rubs the covered lamb firmly, pressing his palm down slightly against the ribs and chest of the baby and shaking slightly. Nothing though, no sounds, no movement.

The ewe is now crying and bleating repeatedly as she paces circles around Joel, wanting to get to her baby. “I know, momma, I know. I’m trying. Fucking hell.”

The edges of his restraint and control start to fray. His heart is racing, chest tightening under the crushing realization that the lamb is a stillborn.  He cradles the lamb, swaddled in a mountain of towels now, squeezing his eyes shut and holding the tiny limp weight against his body. 

Moments later Ellie reappears at his side, sinking to her knees with the water bottle in both hands, the sloshing sound of the water drowning out the ewe’s crying.

Joel opens the folds of towels up so that she can place the flimsy warm pouch over top of the lambs side. Wrapping it up like a burrito again, he holds it up against his chest as if he was holding a baby, firmly patting and rubbing the little lump in his arms. Ellie fruitlessly tries to calm down the mother ewe but it’s no use as she continues to trot circles around Joel, weaving back and forth and trying to nose the little lump in his arms. 

He places the swaddled lamb on the ground, into the cushioned nest of shavings and straw bedding. Hovering over it on all fours, he places his palm over the swaddle again, applying pressure to the lambs back and rubbing circles, while opening its mouth with his other hand. 

“C’mon, little one, c’mon. Gimme something, c’mon. Please.” Joel leans down, his lips pressing against the towel as he murmurs.  The sound of his warm, deep voice breaking is barely muffled by the damp fabric as he squeezes his eyes shut. Another set of warm, small, clammy hands overlap his, as Ellie kneels beside him.

They huddle together over the lamb for another minute or two, the soft swishing of straw and shavings strewn about as the ewe continues pacing is the only audibly sound. Her cries for help softened to brief bleating.

Ellie intertwines her fingers with Joel, squeezing tight as she let’s out a quiet sniffle.

Then, a muffled sound. The smallest hiccup. 

“Joel.” She whispers and squeezes his hand again.

“Joel, look.”

He raises his head slowly, holding his breath as he hears the small noise again, before he carefully unwraps the swaddled material.  He cautiously rubs the lambs back again, as they watch as its bleary eyes blink open, slowly but surely.  It raises its head ever so slightly, dazed, before letting out the smallest bleat.

Choking out the breath that he had been holding in, Joel rushes to wipe around the lamb’s eyes and mouth again.  “There she is. Hey little one,” he coos at the small animal, afraid to speak above a hushed tone.

“Holy shit.” Ellie huffs in disbelief with tears in her eyes. “Dude, you fucking did it! Oh my god, look at her!”

She clutches the sleeve of Joel’s shirt, exhilarated and bouncing with adrenaline. “Do you think it’s a girl?”

Smiling to himself, he shakes his head, “not sure, but it doesn’t matter, s’long as it’s healthy. Right, little one?”  He slowly strokes the lamb as it starts bleating with more fervor, when he feels a bigger muzzle shoving his hand out of the way .

“There ya go momma, there she is.” 

He gets up, ignoring the groaning protest from his knees and steps back so that the ewe can see her baby, gesturing for Ellie to follow. 

“Here, Let’s give ‘em some space to breathe. Go grab the space heater and we’ll get ‘em nice and warm.”

Shooting to her feet, she scurries back to the supply room to retrieve the heater. Joel sits back against one of the stall walls, his head tipping back till it hits the wooden slats with a dull thunk as he takes the deepest breath he’s taken all day. The adrenaline is still coursing through his veins but he feels fucking exhausted all the same. Defeated but elated, he watches the mom lick and nudge the little lamb, before a voice rings out from behind him.

“Well, well, well, looks like we got a full house in here tonight!”

Joel turns to see Dr. Joyce striding through the aisle, a bright twinkle in her eye as she stops in front of the large stall, already stretching a pair of latex gloves over her hands. 

The corners of his mouth pull up into a small smile as he nods in her direction. “Hey doc, how’s it going?”

“I should be the one asking you that,” she chuckles with warmth, shimmying around the stall door slowly. “You’ve had quite the night from what I can tell. I saw the lights on at this hour and I could only assume it had finally happened.”

Snorting, he crosses his arms over his chest. “That’s one way of putting it.” He nods his chin as Ellie returns with the space heater in hand, “couldn’t have done it without this one’s help of course.” 

Ellie grins and hands the space heater to Joel. “If I’m being honest, it was probably one of the coolest and scariest things I’ve ever seen in my life. Especially when she wasn’t breathing. But it was all Joel, really. He brought her back, I just tried not to get in his way.” 

Rounding Joel’s other side, Dr. Joyce crosses the stall and crouches down and pulls out her stethoscope, winking at Ellie. “Is that so? Do I sense a future vet tech assistant that can help me with house calls?”

“Shit. Are you serious?” The teenager’s eyes nearly bug out of her head as a massive smile stretches across her face. “That would be fucking awesome!”

Joel doesn’t even have the energy to reprimand her for swearing, his mind and body drained as he snorts and shakes his head.

“Hey! Is there room for two more at this welcoming party?!” Another booming voice echoes throughout the large stone barn, similar in its Southern drawl to Joel’s but not as deep. 

Tommy and Maria round the corner with huge smiles, still in their riding clothes, fresh off the night patrol. 

“Just so long as y’all can keep quiet.” Joel grumbles, still sat leaning against the stall wall with his arms crossed, legs kicked out from underneath him. He looks over at the scene in front of him, warmth etched into his features as he watches Dr. Joyce check the lambs vitals while the ewe finally starts to munch on hay again.

“We couldn’t believe it, we had to come right away. Hell, I had half a mind to cut the patrol short when we found out.” Maria nods at Joel with a smirk. She glances over to the little sheep who has started to stand on all fours and nurse from its mom, wobbling on its nimble legs. 

“What’s the verdict Dr. Joyce?” Tommy sidles over to Joel, crouching down beside him and grinning. “All working organs? All ten fingers and ten toes?”

Joel sighs gruffly. “They’re hooves, not toes, genius. Jeez, you sure you’re expecting soon?”

Maria only smirks in response as Tommy mumbles and shoves his older brother in response. 

“Everything’s in order Joel, don’t worry.” Dr. Joyce smiles, taking one ear bud out of her ear as she continues to check the lambs pulse. “Her oxygen levels seem good, despite the rocky start and her lungs are clear of fluids, and she’s warm. You couldn’t have done a better job, really, you should be proud of yourself.”

He tries to hide his beaming smile he really does, but Joel grins. His bright eyes crinkle and his dimple pokes through his right cheek. “Thanks doc. I appreciate ya comin’ over here as soon as you could.”

“Her?” Ellie’s eyes widen as she clasps her hands together. “So it is a girl?!”

“Yup, definitely a girl.”

“Think she deserves a name, don’t you?” Tommy nudges Joel in the arm again.

Joel’s smile falters immediately. He shakes his head and looks down. “No. I don’t name ‘em, besides it’ll only be a couple of days before she’s gotta get tagged and registered in the breeding books too.”

“Oh come on Joel, please? She deserves one. After everything she’s been through…” Ellie’s voice trails off. 

Everything they had been through. She doesn’t need to say it for him to know. 

When she doesn’t keep going he looks up at her. Her eyes pleading, welling up with fragments of the pain and haunted memories that they endured over the last year.

He looks at Tommy and Maria, his eyes then falling on Dr. Joyce as she tends to the lamb. 

“Ellie’s right Joel. I know y’all don’t normally give them names, especially the young ones, but given the circumstances, this little lady oughta have a name.” The vets eyes are soft as she gives Joel a sympathetic smile. 

He’s silent for a moment, shifting his jaw. His gaze drops to the tiny lamb, white as snow, now that she’s been towel dried and cleaned, listening to her tiny bleats as she headbuts her mom for more milk. Instantly, his gaze softens, his big eyes rounding at the newborn.

New life. 

A breath of fresh air into the looming hollowness of the barn. A pulse. An electric current, melding into a comfortable, viscous, energy as Jackson’s population, well four-legged population, increases for another day. 

Sighing, he tilts his head in adoration. Filtering through the vestiges of his memory, he thinks back to the conversation that prompted this whole sheep herding fiasco. Him, Ellie, their tiny fire amongst the vast expanse of snow covered country, with nothing but the moon overhead. The comforting solace provided by its glowing illumination, letting them know they weren’t alone in their travels. 

“Well, she is a bright light, figuratively and literally,” he peeks his head out of the stall to find the moon, beaming down on the tiny settlement, before glancing down at the lamb again. 

“How does Luna sound?”

In that moment, the lamb trots over to Joel on its spindly legs, getting braver by the minutes after its birth. She bleats in his face loudly and headbutts his arm affectionately before circling back to her mom, stumbling over herself in the process.

“Well I’ll be damned, I think she likes it.” Tommy chuckles as Maria comes to stand beside him. 

Ellie snuggles up to Joel, her eyes starting to close as the evening's events catch up to her.  “It’s perfect,” she yawns and nuzzles into his broad shoulder, “our little Luna.”

Luna approaches Joel with more curiosity again, as he stretches his hand out towards her, letting her sniff and lick him. 

Despite everything that happened, the chaos, the panic, and near crisis with his first lamb birth, for the first time in a while, Joel feels whole. Fulfilled. Right where he's supposed to be, in this new world, this new life.

Rooted.

A lopsided smile stretches across his face, as his dimple pokes through his cheek. “Yeah, I suppose it is. Our little light, Luna.”

[the-badger-mole]

Hi there! So I really enjoy your fanfics and how you’re not afraid to call Aang out on things (even when people come and try to harass you over it) and I’ve been trying to get into fanfic writing myself. I was wondering could I pick your brain on a few things? I really like your insights on the series.

I’m trying to write a fic where Katara does end up killing Yon Ra which causes a huge falling out with Aang when she gets back. Aang blames Zuko for corrupting her and tries to make him leave the group but Katara defends herself and her choice and Zuko. She says if Zuko leaves then she’s going with him and that Aang is acting completely unreasonable about this. This leads to Aang getting so upset he tries to force the others (Toph, Suki, and Sokka) pick a side (either siding with him or with Katara + Zuko.) Do you think this is too out of character for Aang or could be considered bashing? I feel like your stories are always really good on characterization without delving into outright bashing so I would like your thoughts and feedback on this please if you would like to answer.

I’m also not sure what to do with Sokka and his reaction to it all because before The Southern Raiders I would never have thought he’d side with Aang against Katara when she wanted to find her mother’s killer but it happened and it’s canon so it leaves me wondering what direction to go in.

As far as Sokka goes, personally, I think you can ignore his siding with Aang. It was an OOC moment that allegedly only happened because Bryke needed Aang to look reasonable. If you want to keep it in your story, have his motivation to side with Aang be something else. In my rewrite of that scene, he wasn't so much siding with Aang as he didn't want his sister to do something so dangerous and with no back up but Zuko. It's fic. You're not beholden to canon. Think of it as the Pirate Code. It's more of a set of guidelines than actual law.

As far as Aang, people are going to complain no matter what you do. As long as your story justifies him reacting that way, you're fine. But for the record, I don't think that'll be hard. That's not OOC for him.

[zuko-always-lies]

Have you considered that Zuko is just a bad friend?[This will not be a Zuko friendly post]

While this title is a bit of a joke, the point remains: there is a very strong argument to be made that canon Zuko is just not a very good friend, that he’s someone who doesn’t treat his friends very well. Obviously there are many events in Zuko’s life which negatively affected his interpersonal relationships, so I don’t intend this to be an exercise in blame. I’m merely noting a pattern that I think Zuko will need to work on in the future:

Ty Lee: Zuko is extremely vicious in what he says to Ty Lee in “The Beach,” which stands out because it’s about the only substantive thing he ever says to her, and because Ty Lee is extremely kind to him that episode. He never apologizes for it. He also deliberately tries to provoke a fight between Ty Lee and Mai.

Mai: Let’s us just say that Zuko treats Mai very poorly in “The Beach,” and never really apologizes for it or recognizes what about his behavior was wrong. This includes getting into fits of violent jealousy the moment Mai even lays eyes on another boy.

Now let’s turn to the Gaang. In all cases, Zuko starts off eager to please and gain their approval. However, once he passes this initial hurtle, his behavior doesn’t necessarily measure up.

Toph basically approves of Zuko from the start, and he has to do little to win her friendship. As a result, he largely although not entirely ignores her. He feels comfortable dumping his emotional issues on her, but when she tries to do the same to him, he’s dismissive of it. All things considered, Zuko isn’t a terrible friend to Toph, but I wouldn’t say he’s a great one, either.

Aang rapidly warms up to Zuko, particularly through their field trip in “The Firebending Masters.” However, we see some questionable treatment of Aang later on. Zuko twice mocks the culture of Aang, a genocide survivor whose culture was murdered by Zuko’s ancestors, in “The Southern Raiders.” Worse, Zuko, in the series finale, decided it was a great idea to try to light Aang on fire in order to terrify him into submission, because said best friend didn’t want to train and Zuko didn’t feel like reasoning with him.

Sokka is an interesting case. Zuko tries hard to win his friendship in the “Boiling Rock” episodes. However, once this is accomplished, Zuko starts behaving differently. In “The Southern Raiders,” Zuko uses Sokka to find out about Kya’s death. However, although Zuko emphasizes the importance of revenge, it doesn’t occur to him to offer the opportunity to Sokka. Zuko doesn’t directly tell Sokka what he found, nor does he give Sokka the chance to join on the little “vengeance expedition.” The fact that Sokka already forgave Zuko means that Zuko has no reason to care about giving him an opportunity for closure.  And of course, when Sokka, who also lost Kya, says that he thinks killing Yon Rha is a bad idea, Zuko ignores him.

Zuko’s treatment of Katara is a whole mess of its own, although it’s largely confined to one episode:

1. Zuko feels entitled to Katara’s forgiveness.

2. Zuko ignores Katara’s very clear and reasonable explanation about why she doesn’t like or trust him to instead decide it must be all about her mom.

3. Zuko decides to manipulate Katara into liking him by giving her the opportunity to murder someone she hates. That someone is a bad person who did something truly awful, but whose actions are not necessarily much worse than what Zuko himself did, much less what Zuko’s believed uncle Iroh did. Zuko claims this is all about “justice,” but the fact that he had no interest in giving Sokka an opportunity to come along and participate shows the real character of Zuko’s actions here.

Zuko is mostly nice to Katara after “The Southern Raiders,” but his treatment of her in the episode always feels terrible to me.

Zuko and Suki don’t seem to have any significant friendship, so there’s nothing to say here, one way or the other.

[fezwearingjellybananas]

ooh can you please do headcannons if Barry told captain singh about his powers first instead of Joe

thank you !

Ooh, that sounds like a fun one

Joe doesn't believe Barry about Clyde Mardon, but Eddie has a sketch that looks like him and overhears (kind of hard not to, with the yelling) Barry so certain it was Mardon. The Mardons are personal for Joe now, after Chyre's death, and Eddie makes the decision to get a second opinion from Captain Singh

Everyone at C.C.P.D. is aware of Barry's blog and his desperate search for the impossible, and most of them know why too, and pretty much no one believes him. And Barry just woke up from a coma, he shouldn't even be out of bed, maybe there's more going on. But Clyde Mardon is also the only lead they've got, so David nods and goes with Eddie up to that farm

Where they find Clyde Mardon

As canon, Eddie gets knocked out, but it's David facing Clyde and a tornado this time, when in runs this streak of lightning, and when it's over Clyde's lying dead on the floor and Barry Allen is standing there in a weird red suit with lightning in his eyes

Knowing about Barry's powers is why David lets Barry come right back to work. Joe, who does not know yet (after all, Joe's not believed Barry about a lot of things for a long time), is concerned about how quickly Barry wants to come back to work and tries to get David to keep him signed off for longer, but David tells him it's Barry's choice.

Like Joe, David has some issues with Barry deciding to race after criminals wearing a mask, albeit not for quite the same reasons as Joe, though he does admit C.C.P.D. have no idea how to handle metahumans, and as long as Barry isn't planning on taking after Star City's Arrow, maybe it can help. Providing Barry still gets all his actual work he's being paid to do done, and he sticks around at any crime scenes he interrupts to talk to the police to make sure they get actual statements (which also means people pick up the Flash exists faster).

The Pipeline's not happening though, if Doctor Wells and Mister Ramon think they have a way to contain metahumans it's being done legally and they can work with Iron Heights. Kyle Nimbus should convince them soon enough, and with David working on it, they can get that approved.

Because Joe doesn't know yet, Joe didn't make Barry promise not to tell Iris. Which means right after the show-down with Mardon, Barry races off to find Iris, to tell her about this- she knows what he saw that night, she knows what this means- and also to tell her her boyfriend's in the hospital.

Barry is more hesitant about trusting Eddie though- he doesn't know Eddie yet- which adds to the Eddie & Iris early disagreement about the Flash. Eddie doesn't believe him, then he doesn't trust him, whereas Iris refuses to even question he's anything less than a hero and a good person

Barry still gets whammied by Rainbow Raider, and it still goes poorly. He still goes after Eddie- Eddie's the representation of everything he's missed after all, him being Joe's partner and Iris' boyfriend both happened while Barry was unconscious, and what he's really angry with is that missing time everyone else got to live and he's never going to get back.

And Iris is going to be so conflicted so it's after he's back to himself Barry goes to talk to Eddie to tell him everything and loop him into the Flash's identity. And apologise, so much, but Eddie saw what Bivolo did to everyone else, they can figure this out

It's when Reverse Flash shows up at Mercury Labs Joe pulls out Nora's file. He's involved with the trap S.T.A.R. Labs set (David insisted they do it by the book), and what he sees reminds him so much of what Barry used to talk about he grabs it afterwards and flicks it open and takes another look. Surely it won't hurt, and he doesn't need to tell Barry unless he finds something.

Hartley shows up and the only thing that's different is he tries to flirt with David.

On the day that wasn't, Joe and David swap again- it's Joe Mark Mardon puts in the hospital initially, and David he tries the tidal wave plan with (Barry will gladly admit this is the worst possible way he could have finally met Rob). Caitlin still goes to try and distract Doctor Wells, but Cisco asks Eddie to come with him to investigate the failed trap, which was the right choice it turns out, he managed to pick the one person Eobard couldn't kill, and Eddie manages to get the message to Barry that Cisco's dead and Wells can't be trusted right before Barry time travels (or maybe causing it).

Henry finds out as canon after being kidnapped by the Tricksters, and after that is when Barry finally tells Joe, and Joe finally tells Barry he's reopened the case on Nora's murder

David insists on reporting Eddie missing when Harrison Wells- or rather, Eobard Thawne- kidnaps him. Just adding a few more things to their paper trail of evidence they can use against him eventually.

He's going to be so glad when they've caught the bad guy and he and Rob get to leave for two weeks for their honeymoon. Anything to get him away from dealing with superpowers for five minutes

Thank you!

[5+ headcanons for an AU]

[loganlermanstanaccount]

What you deserve

pairing: Joel Miller x reader

(AO3 mirror)

summary: you confessed. Joel shut down. now he's trying to pick up the pieces.

warnings: angsty asf guys (whoops) , hurt/comfort with a twist! (mostly hurt, minimal comfort)

a/n: part 2 is up! read here.

wc: 800

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He walks into the room so quietly you jump at his voice.

"Ellie said you'd be here."

You don't turn around; fingers fumbling around the med bag you were rearranging. Had been rearranging. It was hard to do much with Joel's voice rattling around in your head.

Jackson was hard. The journey, even harder. Tess, Henry, little Sam. A list of names crossed out in a black ledger. In the heat of the moment, almost you. So finding this little safe haven just west of Wyoming was a miracle and a half. But somehow, you wished you were back out there. Like Joel, you'd take a clicker head on, just to avoid this conversation.

He rubs his wrists demurely and pads behind you. Close, heavy. Hands glancing at your waist.

"Don't." It comes out shakier than you meant it. Unsure. "Please, don't."

He pauses, steps away. "Just wanted a look at ya. That's all." No response. And then he says, "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you're avoidin' me."

You manage a dry chuckle and your shoulders heave, "...good thing you don't know any better."

"I mean it. Are ya…. are you ok? I wasn't thinking, sweetheart, I promise-"

Now, you turn around and look at him, and his voice dies in his throat. Joel Miller, square-jawed, handsome, even in the moonlight streaming into the clinic. Even pallid and pale from the stab wound at the base of his stomach. His brows are knitted together, worried. About you? It was fucking ironic, considering things.

"I just need time, Joel. I'll be okay, but I need time. And some space. And for you not to call me sweetheart, and look at me like-" -like that. Like you hung the moon and stars out in Jackson tonight. "Coworkers. Like you told Tommy. I'm fine, promise."

"Jesus." He steps closer, so this time you can feel his breath on your cheek. He takes your palms and kneads them in each hand. God, this isn't fair. He knows what he does to you, and yet here he is; cradling your hands and looking into your soul. He hasn't said a word and yet you can't move. You should, but you can't.

"M'sorry… listen- listen to me. Please, and then I'll fuck off wherever you wan' me to. Just need you to hear it."

You can't even look him in the eye.

"I thought I was gonna die, twice maybe, on the way back here. The first time, I was stupid. Raiders, fucking idiots, stompin' around the place. 10 years ago, I woulda seen them in time, gotten Ellie away. Wouldn't have gotten stabbed; not a chance. It was my fault. The second time," He pauses, hooks his thumb under your chin. He wants to see you when he says,

"The second time, I told Ellie to leave and get straight back to you. Thought that was it, thought I was a fuckin' goner and then, 10 minutes later, she comes back with a rusty needle and thread from God knows where - and tries to patch me up. All I could think, was that if I survived this, you would kill me. I could hear your voice, clear as day; 'Joel, you so much as get an infection from these shitty stitches I'll finish you off myself', 'Joel, I told you to practice first aid with Ellie every now and then, or you're both gonna regret it,' " He's smiling now. It's sweet and he's so pretty in the gentle light.

" 'Joel, you come back in one piece' "

"Except you left," you say, staring right back at him. "Before I could tell you to come back safe, Joel. Before I could say goodbye."

"I know. And m'sorry, doll. I meant what I said….before. It hurt to say it, but I did. I can't give you what you deserve."

A small sob, and you shake your head. "No, we're not… we're not doing this again-"

"Just hear me out, okay? We don't just work together and it was dumb of me to say so. I'm sorry. Maybe I should've said something when Tess told me. H-how you felt. I'm sorry." and now, a little quieter, "You deserve more than what I can give you. What we do, smuggling shit in the QZ, it's not- it's not a life. That's what you need. A warm bed every night. Dinner parties. Those disgusting fuckin' noodle packets ya like to hoard. All you can eat, sweetheart. Friends. A family, maybe. Someone who can protect you. A life. Please don't cry… you know I don't like to see you cry,"

He wipes the tears from your cheek. "That's why I said what I did. Not to spite you. But because you know I'm an emotionally stunted ass who's only gonna hurt you."

***

part 2

[final-girl96]

Ageless Secrets Chapter One

August 2007

It's been almost two years since the outbreak. The government, now known as FEDRA, finally had quarantine zones that people could go to. They had them set up a year after the outbreak happened. The QZs were in a lot of the major cities, New York, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, they were all over the place. Right now we were making our way to Boston. We tried getting in the one in Detroit, going all the way back home but it was clear it wouldn't happen as soon as we got there. The road to the QZ was backed up for miles. So we turned around and headed for the one in Ohio but that too was out of the question.

We then decided to just keep going. There was supposed to be one in Boston that wasn't even finished yet. We figured if we could get there early we could be one of the first to get in. But it was rough being out on the road. Supplies were hard to come by, no place was safe, we had to worry about raiders. This was a new world and the old world rules didn't apply anymore. People would kill you for whatever you had.

Eventually, we met up with other survivors. You know what they say, safety in numbers and all that jazz. We turned into those people that we would hide from. It's what we had to do to survive. It's that kind of world now that you kill or be killed. Hiding wasn't always an option. We car jacked, stole, killed, and left people for dead. I am nineteen now and I've been through too much for my age. I used to be scared all the time. I let Tess handle everything. But after A while those hopes and dreams that this whole outbreak would eventually be over vanished.

Cordyceps, that's what the sickness was, it's a fungus. At one point it only affected things like ants. It would attach itself to the ant and eventually make its way to its brain and take control. It used to never be able to survive in the human body with how high our body temperature was. But it adapted. There are three known stages of infection as of now.

Runners: The first and most common stage, occurring within hours or days of infection. They are still human in appearance, but lose control of their faculties and sprint you. Kind of like Andy had done.

Stalkers: The second stage, where the infected show physical signs of the infection, such as spores growing from their head and body. They are also more agile than runners. They like to stay in darker places and they like to follow you. They've been infected for at least two weeks and remain that way until about a year before going to the next stage.

Clickers: The third stage, where the infected become blood-hungry husks. They can't see you because of the fungus overing their face. But they have impeccable hearing and make this creepy ass clicking noise. They've been infected for a least a year or two.

You have to be careful no matter what with the infected, but they seem to like the dark more than being out in the day light. The dwell in builds where it's dark. You always need to so a sweep, being as quiet as possible when you go into a house or building to loat or stay in. You always need to be careful of any spores in the air. The Cordyceps isn't just inside the infected, it also grows around any that have been sitting somewhere for a while. The spores alone can infected you, so wearing a gas mask is the best option in those situation.

A few weeks ago we met two men, brothers. Joel, the oldest and his younger brother Tommy. Tommy was thirty-two, the same age as Tess and Joel was thirty-six or would be soon according to Tommy. Everything happened on Joel birthday, September twenty-sixth. I won't sit here and pretend that I didn't find Joel attractive the second I laid eyes on him. But he didn't pay any attention to me. Why would he? I'm a nineteen year old girl.

Joel didn't trust very easily either, not as easily as Tommy did. Tommy warmed up to Tess and I pretty quick. He the more reasonable one of the two. Joel and Tess had a lot in common, she wasn't very trusting either. I mean, I don't trust people anymore but I'm not as bad as Tess is. I would have trusted Joel in a heartbeat even after he put a gun to my head.

Yup, that's right, Joel had a gun to my head when we first ran into them. They thought we were trying to rob them and we thought they were trying to rob us. To be fair we were going to rob them and they were going to do the same to us. Tess had her gun trained on Joel, daring him to pull the trigger. Tommy was the voice of reason. He's the one that convince both of the to lower their weapons and talk. Tommy came up with the idea to band together all while Joel still had a hold of me.

“Let's put our guns down and talk about this. Joel, come on, she's just a kid.” I scoffed at that, “I'm fucking nineteen, asshole.” Tess glared at me. “Yn, shut up!” I rolled my eyes at her and let out a long sigh. “Joel, please, lower your gun,” Tommy pleaded. Only when Tess lowered hers, holding a hand up in surrender did Joel lower his gun. “Are you going to let go of me? I'm not one that likes physical contact all that much.”

It had all been quite thrilling and terrifying. When Joel finally let me go, he pushed me towards my sister, almost causing me to fall. “Fucking asshole!” Tess had grabbed me and pulled me behind her, telling me to shut up. They made a deal that we would all work together. But that doesn't mean we trust each other fully. Joel was cold towards us, at least he was to me. He got along with Tess more than he got along with me. I was ignored anytime I tried to pitch in ideas.

Tess forced me to stay back when they went to raid people. She acted like I never killed someone. I had killed more people than I'd like to admit. I'm nineteen and have killed men and women. You didn't see too many children anymore. For a while Tess couldn't even look at a kid. She could hardly look at me. I hated that she would make me hang back a lot, but I also understood why she did It.

“Alright, yn, you–” I cut her off with a roll of my eyes. “Yeah, yeah, stay here. Stay out of sight. Don't come out unless I tell you to. You're no help to us. You're useless. You'll just be in the way and get yourself or someone else killed. Blah blah blah.” She let out a heavy sigh, “Please don't start your shit. I just want you to be safe.”

“Whatever, Tess, just go.” I turned around and walked back into the building we had been sitting in for the past three hours. Joel and Tess were watching a group of men across the way. Tommy didn't seem to want to be a part of it but he was doing what we had to do to survive. “I'll stay back with her, keep an eye out from here.” I groaned, rolling my eyes back and stormed off. “I don't need a babysitter!”

“Keep your damn voice down!” Joel hissed at me. I spun around and gave him the finger, "Shove it up your ass!” His jaw clenched and he started after me. “Joel,” Tommy warned. “Yn, please, stop your damn attitude!” Tess said sternly. “Look here little girl–” That pissed me off even more. I know I was acting like a child, but I was getting sick of them treating me like I was unable to do anything.

“Little girl! Little fucking girl! Really? Go fuck yourself, Joel. All of you can go fuck yourself. You all act like I can't take care of myself. You act like I'm nothing but a burden to you. I'm so sick and tired of it. You always thought you were better than me Tess, just because you're older. You always have to be in charge. You're not the only one whole has been having a hard fucking time! I'm not a little girl anymore. I can take care of myself.”

[mary-ann84]

Characters: The Nursery Rhyme Killer, his wife and daughter

Words: 552

Warnings: This Chapter is sort of Hallowenish so somewhat eerie and spooky

Chapter 1 , Chapter 2, Chapter 3 , Chapter 4, Chapter 5 , Chapter 6.

Author's note: This story is based on the movie 'Night Hunter' . I do not own the characters in that movie. However in this chapter The characters are of my imagination.

This chapter is a poem. I tried hard to make it flow so please don't judge me to harshly.

Feedback, likes and reblogs are super welcome.

Please do not copy, past , steal. Or I'll send some ghouls your way.

So without further ado. I present to you.

The Villian of this story....

👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻

Chapter 7

The Nursery Rhyme Killer

In the outskirts of town, where the darkness romes free. There lives a man where there used to be three.

A smart man, a surgeon, who was thought of highley. His wife, a teacher and their daughter named Reilly.

On the outside a family like any other. But not all is what it seems as we soon shall discover.

For one fateful night his worst fears came true, an accident occured right out of the blue.

His daughter was so hurt that she could not be saved. Her loss is what turned him so depraved.

Their baby girl ripped out of their lives this could not be. No longer they were a family of three.

The hurt and pain filled the empty space there was. Neither of them could cope with their loss.

The wife avoided the man because she could not bear to see the ways her husband tried to get them, again, be a family of three.

He was acting strange, she thought. Doing things behind her back. Never in her life did she expect him doing the things she caught him do in the act.

One day she came home and something was off, she could tell. No sign of her husband and then she heard a sound of something that fell.

She followed the sound down to the basement and what she saw there filled her with horror and amazement.

For there was her husband sitting on a chair. Rocking back and forth his hands in his hair.

Hush little baby don’t say a word. Daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird. And if that mockingbird won’t sing. Daddy’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.

She heard the song he sang to their daughter so many times. She remembered that he made sure that it rhymed.

But the tone of his voice was more a sound of sorrow and pain. Because he would never see his daughter again.

He stopped singing, he turned and locked eyes with his wife. And then she saw the most terrible thing in her life.

On the table next to the chair she saw the color of brown hair. Initially she thought it was a wig but as she looked further. There was also a body covered in blood and she heard a sound that was nothing but a murmur.

He followed her gaze and with pride in his voice. He explained that he had found a way to fix everything and that they could rejoice

“No longer my dear is it just you and me. Look, we again can be a family of three.”

He took her in his arms and gave her a hug. She froze completely right on the spot

“You are crazy," she whispered. And she repeated it over and over again.

“Our daughter is dead, she’ll never come back!”

And before she knew what was going on he hit her. Wack!!

He stood over her body, a cold stare in his eyes.

“I guess my love it’s time to say your goodbyes.”

He dragged her to the back of the basement where there was an incinerator.

Were tossed her in so no one could find out he was the perpetrator.

There was no remorse. He wasn’t even torn

And that was the day The Nursery Rhyme Killer was born

@littlefreya @hell1129-blog @b-n-a-o @cheyentjj @yespolkadotkitty @yoursecretsmutblog @obsessedwithcavill @penwieldingdreamer @peakygroupie @viking-raider @brexrif @sciapod @oddsnendsfanfics @la-vie-en-diva @thethirstyarchive @constip8merm8 @henrysrighteyebrow @chamomilebottom @wolvesandhoundshowltogether @mylittlepartofthegalaxy @meowpurrbooks @jolly-polly @auguswalker @allememaggies @mayastormborn @princess-of-riviaa @ellixthea @demivampirew @deathonyourtongue @dearlybelovedluke @luclittlepond @captainsy-cookiemonster @zealoushound @oh-for-fic-sake @sillyrabbit81 @pussyverson @angryschnauzer @the-soot-sprite @mariestark @foodieforthoughts @thelastsock @llamadelreyx @infinite-shite @shellbilee @agniavateira @luna-aestas @sissyfanfiction @lauofrivia @lifeofrileyp

[toxicanonymity]

Hey :)

Possible ask for you : i can't stop thinking about something that could annoy Raider. Since the beginning she comes almost everytime when he fucks her. I see this as a pride for him (it assets his dominance). In "if you want him", he asked her if she was wet.

And i was thinking, what if one time she wasn't wet ?

So i was wondering why she wouldn't be, since she is since day one...

Maybe she could be in a depression phase (because of her captivity ?) and maybe she could think about Jack. Not in a way where she'd misses him, but because he was killed in front of her. Her situation can certainly lead to a depression. Depression can lead to least horniness. And raider could be annoyed, at first, and worried. But i don't know how he would handle it. Overstimulation? (hard way lol)

I don't know if it works (it's a hard balance because we can't let him think that she's "useless") for what you're planning, but i'd love to see him lost, if reader wouldn't want him, for once

Have a nice day :)

Raider goes down on you

450 words | Raider Joel Master List

A/N: Very interesting thought. I think his sex animal instincts might kick in for a. . . pragmatic approach.

WARNINGS: I8+ oral F receiving, unsafe P in V

Let's say you're face down on the bed in the middle of the night. You wake up, which wakes him up. He's lying to your side. . . Once he shoves his hand between your legs, he doesn't find the usual pool. His brow furrows as he probes for it.

"What's wrong?" You don't say anything. He turns you over like a toy that needs its batteries checked.

He tries again from the front. "Talk to me."

"Nothing, I'm sorry," you shake your head. "I had a bad dream." His face softens, but he's still a little disturbed. He wedges your legs open and kneels between them. He gets on his stomach and puts your legs over his broad shoulders. He plants his face and starts slowly, looking up at you, trying to gauge your reaction.

The sight alone is one to behold, his back and shoulder muscles hulking, his face determined but also a little concerned. The scar on his eyebrow. Soon he's completely overtaken by desire. You taste so good, smell so good, feel so good on his tongue, he forgets why he's even down there and just goes to town. Eating you voraciously, moaning into your folds, nosing your clit, shoving his tongue inside you like you're an oasis in the desert.

He looks up and sees you arch your back a little with a whiny look on your face and he whispers, "yeah," because he knows he's turned you on. He prowls back up your body. He looks down between your bodies, lining his cock up before he shoves into you. And yeah, he turned you on enough, it feels good, but you still have a lot on your mind. You try not to show it. He starts slow, watches your face, and pounds you. You don't look at him.

Let's say you can't come and he doesn't say anything, but you get the sense he's disturbed. Yeah, he considers forcing you to come, but when you insist "please come, I want you to come," he does. His massive pulsations inside you are almost enough to send you into your own climax if you weren't so in your head.

. . . . .

After he's come, he starts to worry about you. He recognizes that you have a lot of bad things to dream about (even if he doesn't quite face the fact that a lot of it's his fault) and maybe not enough good ones, like maybe when he's not there it's kinda boring and you can get to thinking too much. He doesn't know what he can do, but it stays in the back of his mind, and maybe the next day he invites you to shooting practice with him to use your gun. Maybe once you have a holster he invites you to go for a walk. Like, "now that we're both armed, we can go out more."

[gracie7209]

Fine Again - Alternate Ending

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!Reader, Joel Miller/platonic!f!Reader(but maybe more?), past Joel Miller x Tess

Word Count: 5.6K

Rating: 18+ Nothing explicit, but very mature themes

Warnings: Heavy angst, talks, thoughts, and attempts of suicide, panic attacks, hurt/comfort, lots of emotions, mood swings, drinking….

Summary: Joel and Tess meet you on their journey West to find Tommy. After letting you tag along and eventually finding him, you all get the chance to settle in Jackson. Joel struggles with depression; even more so after Tess is killed in an altercation with Raiders. Things take a turn in more ways than one when Maria goes into labor, prompting an already emotionally unstable Joel to leave in a rush.

A/N: The original came at me so hard and fast that by the ending I was a complete wreck, AND it was completely different than I had initially intended. So, this is an alternate ending that more closely resembles what I had in mind to start with. I’ve included the entire story up until the point where the changes were made. This way each piece can be read as a standalone as opposed to flipping back and forth.

Not beta read, so all mistakes are mine.

Original | Main Masterlist

You had thought you were making progress with him. Getting him out of the house to have dinner around everyone again had been a triumph in and of itself, but that night he really didn’t want to. Halfway begged you not to make him leave, but you knew he couldn’t go on living isolated away from everyone.

You promised him. You promised him that he would be fine. All he had to do was eat dinner, and you would bring him home. Easy enough right?

But when Maria walked in, you saw him practically shut down. The impending birth of Tommy’s child, always a constant reminder of the loss of his own… You had hoped he would just finish eating and you could leave, taking him home to let him get some sleep.

After finishing your plate, Joel had hardly even touched his, but you look to see if he’s ready and he gives you a stiff nod. But, before you get a chance to leave, there’s an ugly scream of intense pain and Joel is drained of all color. Maria’s labor starts and she is breathing harsh and quick, little gasps to help stave off the pain, but all Joel can hear is Sarah…. His hands start to rattle as his head moves from side to side. When everyone rushes over to Maria, yourself included, Joel doesn’t move. You look back at him, and see him clearly struggling to keep it together….

Sarah had died in his arms. Even Tess. She had died in his arms, only after a group of raiders jumped their patrol group a few months after arriving in Jackson. Tess had gotten a shot off, but she had already been hit. Joel didn’t get to say goodbye as she never regained consciousness after falling off her horse. Joel had picked her up, tried to stop the bleeding. Feeling for her pulse until it eventually dwindled to nothing, and she was gone.

No, he couldn’t handle anyone else dying in his arms… so you made sure Tommy had everything covered, helped walk him and Maria out, but when you went back for Joel he was already gone.

–

-

Finding him at this particular cabin wasn't a shock to you. Although he said he would never go back here after Tess, he would disappear randomly for a few hours, sometimes overnight, looking haggard and rough when he came back and you just knew. He never told anyone else about the place. It was his own private escape. To try to grieve his losses in solitude. Where he could let out whatever demons ravaged his mind, and you left it alone, hoping he would eventually benefit from it in some way.

You think the reality instead was that the almost constant isolation fostered his depression. Allowing him to further distance himself from the rest of you.

You tried. You had really tried with him. He would begrudgingly accept your help. Your kind disposition would even get a smile out of him sometimes. You would cook for him, help him get cleaned up, help him around his home and just try to visit with him. When he refused to talk, you would do the talking and he would just listen. Or you hoped he had.

You would sleep on his couch when the nights would get really bad. He would mix the booze with whatever pills he could find to make himself forget, if even for a moment. You would wake up to his nightmares. His calls, always to Sarah. “Please baby girl, Please. Please, we gotta get you up. Sarah! Sarah!”-- and you would slowly put a hand to his shoulder. Applying pressure as you sat next to him. Peacefully trying to pull him from the memories that plagued him. His bloodshot eyes filled with tears, would always look to you, he would grab onto your arm and you would pull his head into your lap. Stroking through his messy curls until a less fitful sleep would find him.

You would eventually pull yourself from his grip and go back to the couch, content to rest there until it started all over again.

When he was sober, which wasn’t often, he was restless. Body shaking in withdrawal, until he could get even a sip to help calm his frayed nerve endings. The end of the world had taken so much from so many. And Joel was no exception.

–

But this time he doesn’t come back, even the next morning. You felt in your bones that this time was different and that he needed someone if it wasn’t already too late. So, you eventually decide to just go and saddle up your horse to find him yourself.

And find him you do….. in the one place that he and Tess had found and shown you about a week before Tess was killed.

It was secluded and well hidden. Only having found it on patrol one day when they decided to venture further than their usual patrol route. Things had been sparse then threat wise. Lucky for the community as a whole, no raiders or clickers, but the boredom of those patrols made for long and tedious days. After finding this little gem, Tess and Joel had shown it to you and planned to take it up with Tommy and try to make it a patrol stop, to rest and regroup as it was quite a bit further out than the current route.

But before they had a chance to bring it to Tommy, Tess had died and Joel refused to go back, or so he claimed. It was never brought up as a possible patrol stop again.

–

You find him early in the afternoon…. Passed out drunk on the broken couch in the living area, but he was breathing so you felt relief at that, at the very least.

You waited until he finally woke up on his own, a couple hours later. You doubt he’d eaten and sadly, you think that his intention had been to just drink himself to death out here.

When he finally wakes, he’s crying. Inconsolable. You hold him….. he keeps repeating “I’m sorry, I’m sorry……” over and over again. To who? You don’t know. To you? No…. To Tess? To Sarah? You didn’t know much about his little girl, but you didn’t need to know the details to understand the weight of that kind of loss. On the flip side, having been around Tess and Joel together for a few months beforehand, you had understood the gist of what Tess had been to him–

–She was familiar, and she was warm. She kept him steady, level headed, and with a somewhat clear path in mind. And without her, he had been lost. Without Tommy or Tess he had no real direction. Tommy was there, but not in the way Joel needed. Tommy had made his own life out here and Joel knew he couldn’t interfere, but it left him feeling alone.

–Now, His stare was blank and he wouldn’t look at you for a long time. When he finally comes around again, at the very least to acknowledge your presence, he tells you he feels like shit, that he was hungry and thirsty so you feed him what little you had brought along.

After a bit, he seems better. There’s a little color back in his cheeks and he was even asking about Tommy and Maria now, even asking about the baby…. You had left to find him before the baby had even been born, but you assured him that everything was going to be fine.

You felt relieved that he seemed to be doing ok, all things considered.

And when you offered to take him back, he, albeit reluctantly, agreed. He tells you to go ahead and pack up, that he just needed to grab a few things. He had already dressed and put his boots on, so you go ahead and go outside to situate the horses.

A few minutes go by and Joel has yet to come outside. Fitting the last of the supplies in your sack, you pull the straps tight, securing everything to your horse. You start making your way back to the cabin when you hear a gunshot ring out that spooks the horses with its proximity and your heart drops. Almost instantly you take off…. Running inside, taking the steps two at a time... he's not inside. Running out back, you yell for him. “JOELLLL JOEELLLL!!!!”

Where the fuck did he go? What the fuck did he do? “Joel! JOEL!!!!!!”

Slightly off from the back porch, you follow a tiny path that leads into the woods… god he couldn’t have gone far….. it had only felt like maybe five minutes tops since you had gone outside, leaving Joel in the cabin.

Looking left and right as you go along, you’re panicking. Thinking the absolute worst, until finally you stop.

Your feet refuse to move you forward, your heart is in your throat as you choke on a sob.

You find him sitting underneath a tree, his back to you against the trunk.

All you can see from where you stand is his slumped form leaning off to the side. Tess’s gun in his hand, his arm laying slack against the ground….

You’re crying now, you know you’re shouting “JOEL JOEL OH MY GOD!”…but you can’t hear anything past the high pitched ringing in your ears. “Joel…?? Joel, What did you do? …please God, please… no no, no, no, no…..” Pulse pounding, you take a step closer, then another, and another. Until you’re finally close enough that you can touch his hand with your booted foot. You turn and squat down, unable to look at anything but the ground below your feet. You tentatively take the gun from his hand as it sits loosely in his barely there grip. Tossing it to the side without a glance. Your hand moves up his arm, resting your fingers delicately against his chest, lightly touching his coat… you’re not sure you have it in you to do this. You can’t look at his face. Worried, knowing what you’ll see there. The tears cascading down your cheeks fall onto his coat, the heavy drops darken the brown suede as your fingers now grip the material so tightly, your knuckles turn white.

This isn’t happening. This can’t be fucking happening. Why? Why would he do this? To Tommy? To you?

You lean down to put your head against his chest. Breathing him in. He still smells the same despite the alcohol. You’d never really paid it any mind before, but you can’t fathom never smelling him again. Never being near him again. In the months, almost a year now that you’ve known him, he’d become a safety net for you. But after Tess, he never recovered. That loss, on top of what you had only slightly learned about his daughter, Sarah, and the aftermath of that loss….. It ultimately became too much for him.

—

After meeting Joel and Tess back in KC, they allowed you to tag along, for what reason you will never know. It took a little time, but Tess warmed to you the quickest. You were helpful, pulled your weight and you were kind. Joel eventually thawed. His cold grumpy demeanor never exactly went away, but he acknowledged you, and when things settled down after finding Tommy in Jackson, he even included you in planning new patrol routes. He hassled you over stupid things sometimes. Those were your favorite moments. When it seemed like he was coming out of his shell. They never lasted long, those moments. Always fleeting glimpses of a Joel that had been buried beneath his grief and anger.

You felt at the very least, accepted by the odd pair. What they were to each other wasn’t normal by any means, but after everything? What the fuck was normal anyway? It was enough for them, so it was enough for you.

After Tess, Joel tried to push you away. He was an asshole, rude, and downright mean sometimes. But, ever the persistent one, you pressed on. Not letting him shut you out completely. It just never seemed to be enough. You had hoped that he could go on to feel some semblance of peace, even after everything. Lord knows, in spite of what he felt were the horrible things he had to do to survive, what he had to do to keep Tommy safe, Tess safe, you safe… He was a good man underneath and he deserved peace.

—

Time slowed down for you… what felt like minutes had really only been a matter of seconds, and your thoughts are quickly interrupted when you feel, more so than hear the strong and rapid beating of Joel’s heart against your ear. Each beat pounding wildly against his rib cage.

What?

You had been too scared to even look at his face. When you heard the shot, you thought… you just knew.

Now though, you angle your gaze up to him, finally looking at his face. Before, you couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him that way, whether it be with eyes closed, forever asleep or open with a lifeless gaze that would surely haunt you for the rest of your life. But when you look up his eyes are open, red rimmed, and tear filled…. He’s crying.

“Oh my God, Joel?…” You say it on a whisper. Desperately trying not to spook him.

A little more firmly you press, “JOEL.” He’s far away, but he’s ALIVE. He’s fucking alive.

“I’m sorry…. I’m so sorry…..I.. I, I couldn’t…..”

“Shhhhh… Joel it’s ok….. shhhhh…”

“I just wanted it t’ stop. I couldn’t .. fucking DO IT anymore… so I…. I jus’ wanted to… fuck…I tried. I fucking TRIED. I was ready. I couldn’t have been more ready…. This time, even more than before…….”

“Joel…… please.” You don’t even know what you’re asking.

He gives a self deprecating huff…. “Didn’t flinch this time. Had my lips wrapped around the barrell so that it woulda stuck—”

Your hand is on his chest, rubbing reassuringly, not sure what to do, but just listen. He was talking. It was enough for now.

“—But I jus’ couldn't. Don’t know why.”

You’re grateful. So goddamn grateful for whatever stopped him. You were worried. He stopped himself this time, but would he be capable the next?

You couldn’t think about that right now, just needing to get him up, get him HOME.

“Joel…. Can you walk? We can go back inside.” He looks to you, gaze becoming focused on your face. He nods. “We can talk, yeah?”

You help him up, and he walks with you on wobbly legs. You support most of his weight, but you’d happily drag him all the way if you had to. You also had the mind to grab the gun off of the ground and tuck it away safely before walking toward the cabin.

—

“Joel.”

“Hm?” He looks up quickly, like he was somewhere else.

“Talk to me.” You didn’t want to push him, and if he didn’t want to talk about it yet, then that was ok, but you had to try.

“There’s no story.”

“Alright.”

“I’m tired. ‘F all of it. Tired of waking up in a panic cause I don’t know where I am. Tired of feeling like my heart’s stopped when somethin even reminds me of her. I’m just… m’ tired.” His head is in his hands, fingers gripping tightly at his mess of curls.

“Joel.” His head is still in his hands, but he’s looking at you now. Giving you his full attention.

“I’m not gonna spout off platitudes and offer my condolences. It’s just the fucking world we live in. And no one knows what you’re going through, but YOU. You know I care about you and I hate seeing you tear yourself apart.”

“Alright…” You’re not sure what kind of response you were going for, but he at least seems like he’s paying attention, so you continue.

“Would you… Do you want to talk about them? About Tess? About… Sarah?” Your voice is small on the last word and he’s shaking his head before you finish.

“Why would I want….” —You hold up a hand to stop him.

“JOEL. I’m not going to sugarcoat this ok? I don’t think you’d want me to anyway, but you KNOW I care.” You give him a second to hear you.

“Nothing is going to bring them back, Joel. All we can do, HERE, is to live in whatever way we can. And God willing, when we leave this world, and NOT by our own hand, we’ll get to reunite with the ones we’ve lost.”

He’s still listening, or he hasn’t dropped his focus at least. You hope he hears you.

“But for now, you can keep them alive by letting yourself remember them. Talk about them Joel. Talk about them often. They were real people. People who lived and breathed just as we do now. People you cared about... Don’t just… hide them away up here,” you put your index to your temple.

You can see the tears streaking down his face. He hasn’t said anything and hasn’t made a move to get away from you, so you scoot a little closer to him on the dusty couch.

-

You and Joel have never been affectionate with each other, withdrawn as he is. The most you could honestly say was in those moments at his home, when you would run your fingers through his hair trying to bring him out of whatever nightmare that sleep would bring upon him. Hell, he and Tess were sleeping together, but rarely made physical contact around others.

You didn’t want to scare him, but you could see he was struggling with it all. You decide to risk the awkwardness and tentatively bring your hand to his back.

Lightly brushing your fingers against the worn flannel, checking first to see that he didn’t immediately recoil away from you. You apply a slight amount of pressure and flatten your hand, rubbing side to side between his shoulder blades.

He doesn’t recoil, in fact he practically melts into it.

“You uh, some kinda shrink in another life?” He says it almost under his breath, but you hear him.

“Something like that. I was actually studying psychology. Had hoped to one day be a therapist. But then the outbreak happened and I never got to finish school. I learned a lot though.”

“Hm.” He grunts in acknowledgment.

You take a minute and you both just sit there. Your hand is still between his shoulders, a grounding presence.

You also didn’t mind the closeness.

After a bit, Joel sighs, “Well, we got a little bit of daylight left. ‘F we leave now, we should get back by supper.”

“Sure you’re ready to head back?”

“Yeah, I think so. ‘M hungry, I know that, and I definitely could use a shower and a real bed.”

“Fair enough. Alright, well let’s get going then.”

He nods, and gestures ‘after you’ but yeah, no.

“Not a chance. I’m not letting you outta my sight.”

“Guess I deserve that…. Sorry.” He hangs his head and his demeanor is forlorn all of a sudden.

The emotional rollercoaster Joel is going through is more than expected. You knew he was going to be going through it for a while. Seemingly going from sad to happy, depressed to angry, and vice versa at random times.

You’re actually surprised with how well he’s doing even now. So shortly after attempting to take his own life, he’s almost like himself again, or the version of him you already knew.

It makes you wonder briefly, then makes you unbelievably sad at the realization that Joel had probably been living with this the entire time. Always in a constant state of horrible depression, but his basic instinct for survival would inevitably take over, what with the end of the world and all. And then the cycle would repeat.

But being in Jackson meant he didn’t need to fight to survive for the most part anymore. It allowed the demons to swim unhindered and it swallowed him whole.

He’s looking at you now, a question on his face, “Are you ready?” Well now there’s an actual question..

You snap out of it and respond, “yeah, sorry. Just thinkin.”

You both move to stand up, but you get there first. Offering your hand to help him up. He takes it and you hear him grunt in pain, the last couple of days having taken their toll physically as well as mentally, for the both of you.

He doesn’t drop your hand immediately and you decide then to try something.. why the hell not right?

Rather than pulling away, you go in to hug him. You wrap your arms around his waist and rest your head on his chest. He’s hesitant at first, but eventually you feel his arms come around you as well, and he buries his nose in your hair.

You think that after the day you’ve both had, that he could use the comfort. You didn’t realize how much you needed one yourself and you both just stay that way. The air isn’t charged, there’s no electricity, no spine tingling sense of something more… just warmth. Comfort. Safety. Something that is a rarity in this world, you’re happy to offer it to him and even more so to accept when he willingly gives it back to you.

-

You ride back to Jackson, Joel in front of you at all times. It’s quiet, not needing to say anything to break the silence.

When you get back, you head straight to Joel’s house and start making you both something to eat.

When it’s getting late, Joel lets you help him to his room. He decides to take a shower, so you use that time to check for things that he could possibly use, should he feel the need to hurt himself again. you’re shocked by the sheer amount of what you find. The man was practically housing an arsenal in his bedroom.

You’re sitting on the bed, carefully storing everything in an empty box you had found, for safekeeping.

“‘M not planning anything if you’re wondering.” You jump, slightly startled as you thought he was still in the shower.

“Sorry darlin, didn’t mean to scare you.”

“No, it's ok! I was just uh,” you gesture to the excessive amount of weapons you had found. “Well…. you can’t blame me for worrying.”

“Fair enough.”

“I’m just going to take some blankets and sleep on the couch. All things considered, I don’t think you should be by yourself, but I’ll give you some privacy.” He nods, taking a small step forward, then stands back…

“Would you, um, will you stay?”

“In here?” You gesture to the rest of the room as you’re currently sitting on his bed.

“Yeah, if that’s alright? Would jus’ feel better knowin’ someone’s here with me..”

“Of course.” You smile up at him and he seems to take a breath in relief.

“Thank you. It, uh, won’t be weird?”

“No,” you chuckle. “We’re both adults Joel. It’ll be fine.”

“Ok.”

“Ok.” Well now it’s a little awkward.

“Let me just put these up and we can get some sleep.”

“Alright.” He seems shy, but you admire his willingness to ask you to stay. Again, he surprises you with how well he seems to be doing. You take it as a little win. Baby steps, even small, are still steps in the right direction.

When you walk back into the room, Joel is already in the bed. He’s on his side, facing away from you, but turns to lay on his back once he hears you come in.

Even though you assured him that it wouldn’t be weird, you were still nervous. Joel was your friend, he was hurting, and you wanted to be here for him. But, it had been a long time since you’d been that close to someone else. You’d never really thought about Joel in any particular way before. Sure he’s attractive as all hell. It actually annoyed you how the women in town would fawn over his looks, yet immediately complain about how grumpy he was.

They didn’t know him, didn’t CARE to know him. Your time with him and Tess was initially due to pure survival, but upon arriving in Jackson, they let you hang around. You almost felt like Tess’s kid sister. Annoying her and her boyfriend, but he was always nice to you in spite of it.

But then after Tess, he crawled further inside himself and you just tried to be there for him. Like you are now.

You were nervous, but you were happy to do this for Joel. He’s saved your life on more than one occasion, so you could deal with a little anxiety by laying next to him if it meant he felt even the slightest bit more at ease.

—

You make your way over and sit down on the bed, slowly pulling back the blanket and slipping underneath the covers. You lay flat on your back as well, just staring blankly up at the ceiling. Not uncomfortable per say, just your racing thoughts and the nervousness associated with being this close to someone in a somewhat intimate setting.

“This ok?” Joel questions… you’re sure he can sense your anxiousness, so when he moves to lay on his side, facing you this time, he does it very slowly.

“Yeah, it’s fine.” You turn toward him. He’s got his head resting in one hand, supported by his elbow propped on top of his pillow.

It’s just Joel, you remind yourself. Allowing yourself a moment to glance over his features that you’d never taken the time to really look at before. He doesn’t say anything, and you can’t help yourself but to break the quiet bubble you’d found yourselves in…

“Are you um.. Do you, snore?” Sure, ease the tension with a possible insult. Great thinking.

That pulls a laugh from him. “Unfortunately I do, sweetheart. If it gets to be too much, just put a pillow over my face and save yourself the misery.”

The joke falls flat.

It wasn’t funny and your stone faced expression has him backing it up quickly…. “Uh, shit sorry, bad timing… What I mean to say is if my snoring keeps you awake, feel free to just smack me with the pillow instead.”

“Very funny….. smack a sleeping bear and hope to walk away from it? I’ll take my chances with the snoring.”

“I wouldn’t hurt you darlin.” The little pet names, darlin’, sweetheart etc, make you blush every time. You’re grateful for the low light of the lamp, hoping it hides the majority that isn’t already covered by the blanket at this point. You’ve nervously pulled it up to just below your chin.

“I know, I’m just teasing. But I still don’t think it’d be a good idea to startle you awake if I can help it. I’ll be fine. Let’s just try to get some sleep.”

“Alright..”

Joel turns off the lamp on his nightstand, shrouding the room in a quiet darkness. The moon casts a light glow so you can still make out his form in the bed. He’s laying flat on his back again, his hands resting on his abdomen over the comforter.

Is he nervous? Surely, not?

You couldn’t fathom what would make a person like Joel nervous. He’s strong, and he doesn’t take shit from anyone. But then you remind yourself how this day started and you honestly don't know what to think. He just seems like normal Joel to you. Same as he ever was, but a little shy in comparison.

It’s only maybe a few minutes before Joel stirs…. “I can feel you starin’.”

“Hmm?” You feign ignorance at being caught.

“‘M fine. You don’t gotta worry ‘bout me doin’ anything stupid.”

“I wasn’t…—” You weren’t what? You had been staring, but..

You sigh.

“It’s a big deal Joel. It’s not something to take lightly. You almost—” but he cuts you off….

“Just stop. Alright?”

The sudden shift in his mood takes you aback, but you were expecting this, remember?

“Ok. Alright, I’m sorry.” You keep your voice quiet and even. “I really wasn’t trying to stare. Just thinking I guess.”

“About?”

“A lot of things.” Joel doesn’t say anything back. Just responds with a grunt.

—

You had already turned away and had been staring at the shadows on the ceiling again for some time. You tried to get your mind to shut off, but it was useless. You were wide awake and were in for a long night, if this was any indication.

You think Joel must have fallen asleep by now surely? But the lack of snoring told you otherwise.

And then out of nowhere, “Can I ask you somethin?” His words are quiet, but you still jump slightly at the break in silence.

“Yeah.” You try to make yourself sound more tired than you really were, although him asking you a question in general means he probably already knew you weren’t asleep to begin with.

He takes a moment before speaking again. A few slow deep breaths in and out.

“What’s it like?”

You don’t understand the question. You give him a minute to continue, but when he doesn’t you lean over, propping your head against your hand so you can look at him in the moonlight filtering in through the makeshift curtains.

“What’s what like Joel?”

He doesn’t move his body, but he turns his head to look at you. His eyes meet yours and the pain you see there makes your heart clench. His eyes were red-rimmed, with unshed tears making them glisten.

“Joel….” You lean over and instinctually pull his opposite shoulder toward you. Bringing his now trembling form to your chest, where you whisper soothing sounds into his unruly curls, your hand once again finding a place between his shoulder blades. He brings his arm over and wraps it around your waist with his face buried in your neck. There’s no words needed. You think after the day you’ve both had, just feeling the warmth of someone else, someone you trust, is enough right now.

You stay like that, practically entwined together until you both eventually pass out due to pure exhaustion.

-

You wake up with the sun's rays coming through the window. You remember everything about the last 24 hours and with it the panic of where’s Joel? until you realize there’s a not entirely unpleasant weight pressing down on your chest, keeping you in place when you initially try to sit up.

If the weight wasn’t telling enough, the groan of displeasure at having been moved reminds you that it’s Joel. You’re in his bed. His head on your chest. The palm of his hand is sitting wide on your stomach, over your shirt, but you can feel his skin where the fabric has bunched up. He’s also got a leg thrown over your own and instead of feeling uncomfortable with the closeness, you feel safe. Completely content within his embrace that you think about closing your eyes again, just a few more minutes…..

But then the reality set in and you remember why you’re here. Your panic at trying to find him. His eyes. God, those eyes will haunt you forever you think. You have never before seen that kind of despair coming from someone. That hurt… It will live with you for the rest of your life, you’re sure of it. You pray that you never see it again, but if it hurt you that much to simply lay witness to it, you can only imagine what it would be like to live with that inside of you.

What happened yesterday was traumatic to say the least. But then again, everyone has had trauma. It’s the way the world works now. Everyone has a story. Everyone has lost someone in this new world where pain and suffering are the norm.

Except, it didn’t have to be that way. At least not completely. Jackson afforded you the kind of safety that was from back before. Before the world ended. Before survival was all anyone knew. After talking with Joel, you realized that the lack of constant survival is what led to his downward spiral. Which in turn led to him trying to make it all stop once and for all.

You still don’t know what stopped him this time. He had told you about his first attempt…. the day after the outbreak. You had been fortunate enough to never know that level of pain firsthand. You’d seen it, sure. But you never had anyone close enough to you for the impact to be world shattering. Those closest to you were already gone before the outbreak even happened, so to hear Joel’s story, from this man so hardened by life in general, knowing that every single day was a reminder of what he lost, you’re not surprised when your arms decided to wind around him. Deeping the embrace between the two of you.

You hear a grunt against your chest, and then a hum. You’re not sure if he’s awake now, but you weren’t about to make him move. So instead you snuggle in close, finally letting your eyes fall closed. Joel’s weight against your chest like a blanket. Warm and secure and you think,

One day at a time

You just had to let him take it day by day while he tries to learn how to live with his demons, but you would at least make sure he wouldn’t be alone. Whether it be just as a friend, someone to confide in, and someone to keep him from falling off the edge. Or, you find yourself wondering suddenly, the idea setting a warmth in the pit of your stomach….. maybe something more.

You’re not sure what the future holds. For either of you. But right now, feeling him against you, feeling his slow and steady breaths against the skin of your neck, you feel like there’s hope that maybe everything will be ok.

—

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A/N: Thank You for reading!