#even the name yelling feels like i just achieved some invisible goal and now they do that..

[tears-of-boredom]

Really wishing my water was vodka

[wolvesandpetals]

Loki x Sylvie Post-Finale Fanfiction (Angst, Rated Teen) Part 2 of 2

Part 1 is here:

She never knew it would hurt this much when the person she loves is right in front of her, but she can't reach out and touch him; when she is still her, he is still him, but everything else has changed, like an invisible lever in an old theatre changing the scenery in the background, bringing them both to the part of the play where they are hopelessly lost.

[[MORE]]

All it took was one single moment, one single decision, and everything feels irrevocably broken now. It makes her contemplate on the true nature of relationships, how fragile they are, and how easy it is to shatter them- and her.

The smoke is slowly clearing, and all that seems to be left is a man who is doing his best to keep his distance from her, physically and emotionally.

She can tell from the way he stands with his arms crossed, or his fists clenced when his hands are by his side, that he really doesn't want to hold her hand. How can something so simple as the touch of his fingers be so vital to her existence that it feels like something has been ripped out from inside her?

She wants to reach out and touch him, but she is scared that if he pulls away outright, any hope of reconciliation that she still has left will shatter into pieces.

And she really needs this hope. It's the only thing she still has left. It's the only thing that keeps her going.

---

He looks like a man with a mission.

They spent quite a long time together, running from the TVA, running towards the citadel at the end of time, hoping to achieve their goal of bringing down the one behind the curtains.

But that was her mission, and he was there for her. She was the one behind the wheels, he was the one keeping the sails afloat.

Now it's different. Now he has a defined goal, a glorious purpose.

She's seeing him in a whole new light now, and not just because he has switched to Asgardian leather and metal armors.

As far as she is concerned, she is better off doing it all alone. One woman army, nobody to get in her way, nobody to screw up her plans. Nobody to blame her if it all goes to shit.

Or so it was, until two months ago, when Mobius decided to enlist her help in fixing the multiversal madness.

She has never really worked with people before, and it's weird, to say the least. She never considered herself a team player, but she is finding herself hating the idea less and less lately.

And she swears it has nothing to do with him. Not the fact that they are working together, and seeing his face first thing in the morning brings her a sense of calm that she quite can't explain. Or the fact that their rooms are next to each other and it makes her feel secure enough to finally get some rest at nights. Or that this whole arrangement has kept them on talking terms, when they had gone their own separate ways otherwise.

Nothing to do with that at all.

---

Humans are stupid, and the biggest evidence of this is how they decided that two extremely powerful Gods skilled at magic, enchantment, and defeating an evil extra dimensional cloud that swallows everything it touches, should be delegated to the role of research. "You're clever. You're good at reading people. You can put yourselves in the shoes of the bad guys, no offense", they said, but really, what they meant was, "We can't trust you out in the field much." She knows it, he knows it. She just doesn't know why he's complying.

That's how they find themselves researching every single day.

She likes to think he's not the only reason why she's studying in the library instead of in the comfort of her room, but that'd be a lie.

At first, he chooses to sit at a separate table. But she keeps going over to his to "get his opinion" on something in the file she's reading, and finally, he gives in. Their current arrangement consists of him sitting in the chair in front of her, to the left, prim and proper, while she hoists her feet up on the table.

He falls asleep on the desk one night, face smacked against a file, the tiniest bit of drool forming at the corner of his mouth. It would be a hilarious sight, if her heart wasn't feeling what she can only describe as longing.

They should probably talk about it, like mature adults, but neither of them know how to do that.

All she can do right now is gather the courage to run her fingers through his hair. The touch is hesitant at first, as if one wrong move would make him wake up and push her back to square one. Slowly, she relaxes, letting her fingers dance on his scalp.

He stirs in his sleep. "Please Sif. I'm sorry. Don't cut off my glorious locks, please."

Now this is a story she must hear when things are better.

If things are better.

---

Doctor Strange joins them very briefly, very rarely, but the tension between him and Loki is hard to miss. It's worse than the current situation with her, and that's saying something.

"You don't really like Stephen, do you?"

Something inside him seems to shift, but he masks it behind a non-chalant look immediately and just arches an eyebrow at her. "He's Stephen now, is he?"

"Well, that is his name." She shrugs. "What do you call him?"

"Strange", he spits the word out with an amount of irritation that indicates there definitely is a story there. "That is his name", he mimics.

She can't help the smirk that spreads across her lips. "What did he do to you?"

"Nothing", he lies, ignoring the horrifying flashbacks of thirty minutes of endless falling. Not a single soul must ever know a mere human got the best of him. "What can he do to me? I'm a God among those mortals. He just irks me because he is so pompous, and arrogant, and he ceaselessly uses magic to toy with others."

She pretends to think deeply. "Now where have I seen that before?"

He scoffs. "You mock me, but I am nothing like him. For one, I am not rude."

"He seems fine to me", she declares decisively.

It's the first time in months that he gives her a cheeky grin. "That's because you're rude too."

---

They are still just containing the threats to their world, instead of finding a way to fortify the barriers between worlds and stop the threats from coming.

"Shouldn't we have a plan to seal off the other worlds from ours?" She asks him one day.

"They are working on it." He tells her, and then with a look of worry, adds, "I hope."

There are debates on what to do at the Avengers tower and at the TVA. Nobody seems to agree on what the best course of action is, but everyone seems to be following the general instructions of Doctor Strange.

During one such meeting, a Minuteman makes the mistake of voicing out loud how she wondered if things would be better if they were running according to their old boss's plans.

Sylvie feels the guilt wash over her once more.

"No", Loki tells them all firmly. The determination in his voice takes her completely by surprise. "Evil is evil. Lesser, greater, middling, makes no difference. The degree is arbitrary. The definition’s blurred." She catches him steal a glance at her direction. "We couldn't have left a dictator in charge just because it's convenient. Listen, I'm the bad guy. I've done horrible, unspeakable things. I thought humans needed to be ruled. I wanted to rule. But even I know that it's not right to take away a person's life completely. These are innocent people. You are innocent people. You have families back home, parents, children", a pause and a softening of his features, "-love. A whole past, a whole future. That man had no right to take it away from you."

His powers of persuasion are foreign to her, and it's mesmerizing to watch. Her enchantments cannot hold a candle to how he is able to just talk people into doing what he wants, thinking what he thinks, seeing what he sees.

"He who remains had a plan. One, singular plan, from one, singular man." There is absolute conviction in his voice. "It's not the only way. We'll find another way. A better way."

She has never known what it is like to have someone see you for who you are- broken and flawed, and defend you- even your well-intentioned actions that yielded different results than what you expected and hurt them in the process. She suspects it has been the same for him, a lifetime of not having anyone have his back.

The warm feeling inside her is brand new. What is the name of this? Comfort? Relief?

Happiness?

---

This will be their first time out in the field in a long time, and she feels a little sick to the stomach.

He notices. "Are you alright?"

The concern in his voice tugs at her heartstrings. She nods. She has faced way worse, she shouldn't be so nervous about this, but she is. "I've never done this before."

"We can always just kill him and blame it on the Chitauris", he suggests with a serious face.

"I heard that", Peter yells from the other room, where he is doing whatever it is that teenagers do to prepare for battle.

She shakes her head in disbelief. "I can't believe we're babysitting."

"I've done this before", he assures her, and it surprises her to picture him being entrusted with such a serious task. "The trick is to conjure up illusions that keep them distracted enough to not cry."

She laughs. "You're thinking of infants. This one is a little older."

"I'm over a thousand years old, Sylvie. They're all infants to me."

Peter joins them, mask covering his face so that he doesn't reveal his identity. "So what do I call you? Loki and Loki? That's confusing. How about Loki and Lady Loki? Or is that offensive? I'm not suggesting women are inferior, because they're absolutely not..."

"Does he come with an off switch?" She whispers in horror as Peter rambles on.

Loki grins. With one wave of his hand and a flash of green, Peter's own webbing shoots out and seals his mouth shut.

---

Things are fine but not fine at the same time. He's right there beside her, but not there at all. They have their banters, they have their stolen glances, but they haven't had a meaningful conversation since that first day when she got back. She's been putting it off for a long time, but she knows they really do need to have the talk.

She corners him in his room one evening while he's tinkering with a temporal collar. She takes a seat in the chair next to his bed and rests her hand on the table, leaning her head against her palm, before switching position and crossing her arms and legs. Everything about her posture screams uneasiness. If he notices- he probably does- he doesn't say anything.

"You defended me that day."

He briefly looks up from the task at hand and gives her a soft smile. "Of course."

She blinks. "I don't understand." Her hands involuntary rise up to rub her temples. "If you can justify my actions to them, then how can you still be mad at me?"

"I'm not mad at you", he says without missing a beat.

"Rubbish", her words come out angrier than she intended. This frustration is the result of the months of status quo they have had. She has to know now, one way or the other. "You're distant. You're guarded", she accuses. Then her voice breaks, as she feels a part of her break all over again with her next words. "You don't hold my hand. Why? Tell me."

He abandons the collar and focuses his full attention on her. Staring straight into her eyes, he answers her. "You know why."

"I wouldn't be asking if I did. Look, if it's because I chose the mission over you-"

"-Of course it's not that." He says decisively. Then a sad smile clouds his face. It's the same look he had when she accused him of conning her to gain the throne. "Do you think I'm the type of man who would want a woman to abandon her life-long ambitions just because she has met someone?"

She knows he isn't. But it still doesn't answer why he is so cross with her. "What is it then?"

He pauses for a moment, trying to decide whether he wants to bare his soul out to her once more or not. There are two ways he can go from here- choose to not let her in again and save himself from the hurt, or trust her again and open himself up to potential pain.

Who is he kidding? Pushing her away- keeping her away- doesn't hurt any less.

There were a thousand things that had to go wrong to bring two Lokis from two universes together. A connection like that, it doesn't just happen.

And it doesn't just go away. The pain is constant, it's a part of him, pounding like a second heart every second he has to stop himself from reaching out for her hand.

This has to come to an end.

He takes in a deep breath, bracing himself. "You didn't have to send me away, Sylvie. I wanted to stop you from making the same mistakes I did. But in the end, I didn't care what you chose. I just wanted us to do it together."

She never even imagined this could be the reason for his hurt. All these months spent thinking he hates her for her choices, and now it turns out he is hurt simply because she chose to do it alone? "I'm sorry." She says sincerely. "I just wanted you to be safe."

"And I just wanted to be there with you till the end." He confesses. His eyes shimmer with the emotions he has kept bottled in for so long. "You go, I go."

She doesn't know what to say to that. She has never been good at articulating her feelings. Tears stream down her cheeks at the realisation that even after everything, he is still there for her.

She didn't cry even back at Lamentis when they thought they were going to die. She doesn't let anyone see her cry when she is sad or scared. That's all she has known her whole life. She's used to it by now.

This is new. These are tears of relief. Comfort.

Happiness.

Tentatively, she crosses over to the bed and sits by his side.

It's quiet for a few minutes. But unlike the months of tension so thick she could cut it into splices with her daggers, this is comfortable silence. The kind they had before it all went wrong.

"Did you even miss me?" He whispers.

"What kind of silly question is that? Of course I did." Her shaking hands grab his, and oh how she missed this.

He intertwines their fingers. His eyes draw closed. Bliss. That's the only word for this feeling.

He opens his eyes again and studies her. She's staring back at him, teary-eyed, but with a hopeful smile. "Really? Because you have a really unique way of showing it. You didn't even come looking for me."

"I didn't know how to face you", she tells him honestly. No tricks, no enchantment, no treachery. Not with him. "I didn't know if you even wanted to see me." Her voice grows quieter, dropping to a timbre that perfectly encapsulates her deepest fear. "I thought you hated me."

"Hate you?" He is shocked that she thinks that is even possible, specially after seeing him these last few months. "Sylvie, I'm working with the Avengers. The Avengers. Do you know how much I hate them? They are my nemesis. They're self-righteous, condescending, and so completely dull. Every second with them makes me want to rip their hearts out. Why do you think I'm here with them?"

She thinks she knows. But she needs to hear it anyway.

"It's because of you." He lays it all out on the table. All cards on deck, win or lose. "You've been running away. I have been the one who has been here, trying to hold down the fort, working to fix everything. Because that is what one does when one loves-"

Shit. The word slips out before he realises it.

Their eyes go wide in unison.

"Sylvie, I-"

"-Don't you dare take it back now." She warns him. "I-" She doesn't know how to say it either. They make such a great pair, both equally daft at saying how they feel, like they are teenagers, not Gods who have lived for centuries. "I've been running because I didn't think I could bear the burden of knowing I found you and then I lost you. I don't want to lose you. Not now, not ever."

He kisses the back of her hand, before letting it go. He cups her face, gently caressing her cheeks with his thumbs. "I don't want to lose you either."

She leans in closer, until their foreheads touch. She can feel his breath on her face, warm and soft. That is exactly how she feels inside. "You won't", she promises. "You go, I go."

---

(Quote on Lesser Evil from The Witcher. Thanks for reading!!)

[missnight0wl]

Overflow

Summary: Helena sneaks out from the Hospital Wing. She’s followed by Charlie.

A rewrite of the events happening directly after the Portrait Vault. Because MC deserved to have a breakdown right then. Also, it somehow took me almost a year to finish it, and I was close to abandoning it entirely, but here we are.

Words: 2140

June 1989

The lights in the Great Hall never before seemed to be so bright. It was hard to adjust to them after the darkness of the Buried Vault. Helena managed to lift the upper part of her body, and she looked around to check on her companions. Bill was kneeling next to Charlie and holding his arms to support him, Ben was sitting a little further with his hand pressed to his mouth, and in the middle was…

“Merula!” Helena exclaimed in a strangled voice. Without getting up, she got closer to the girl who was lying motionless on the floor with her eyes half-open. The Ravenclaw realised then that there were other students around, clearly alarmed by the whole situation. “Give her some space!” she ordered, reaching her arm as if she was trying to build an invisible barrier. “Someone call help!”

She peeked at Merula and again at the small crowd of people drawing back when she noticed Diego among them. She called his name and tried to stand up, but she tripped. She would fall if not for the Hufflepuff’s quick reaction. She still felt dizzy after travelling by the Portkey.

“Helena, what happened?” Diego asked with concern. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. But Merula is not. Could you… could you look after her? You’re friends with her, right? And I can’t… I can’t now…”

“Calm down,” he said softly. “What happened with Merula?”

“She was tortured.” Diego’s expression became even more worried. “But maybe don’t mention that. Just… just try to distract her… Until we get help…”

Right after she said it, the door to the Great Hall opened and Dumbledore came in, Snape following right behind him. How did they get here so fast? They quickly reach to them and started asking about the events of recent hours. At some point, Madam Pomfrey showed up as well. Helena had problems to focus, but somehow, she was answering all the questions, almost automatically as in some kind of trance. The Portkey, the Vault, the dragon. Rakepick, the Cruciatus Curse, the Garrotting Gas…

“I’ll find her. She won’t get away with this.”

It was Professor Snape, looking very determined to keep his promise. Everyone wanted to find Rakepick… Of course, it’s understandable. Yet, why nobody had shown such concern when Jacob went missing? Does one have to commit an act as horrible as this to get attention? Jacob did bad things, too. He put the whole school in danger because of his Cursed Vaults obsession. At least that’s what people say... Did Snape also try to bring him to justice? If so, he obviously failed. And in that case, how can he even hope to find Rakepick now?

Helena heard fewer and fewer words exchanged by people next to her. She was looking at her friends, some students she could barely recognise after seeing them occasionally in the corridors. Finally, she spotted Rowan, her eyes glistening. She knew. Rowan always knew. She didn’t need to hear the story to tell that something bad had happened. Helena got past her professors, not being entirely sure if they’re talking to her or Merula, and walked down the platform. Rowan was next to her in a moment, embracing her tightly. They didn’t speak, they were just standing there. It felt like the only good thing left in Helena’s life so she didn’t want to let it go.

“That’s enough! You know the most important thing!” Madam Pomfrey’s voice sounded over conversations. “I’m taking them to the Hospital Wing. All of them,” the matron added firmly.

“We’re gonna talk later, okay?” Helena said to Rowan, releasing her from the hug. Her friend only nodded, wiping her cheek with the sleeve.

She didn’t remember exactly how they got transported from the Great Hall. Suddenly, she was sitting on a bed in the Hospital Wing when Madam Pomfrey approached her, moving a folding screen.

“Miss Ellis, I told you to change your clothes.”

The girl looked down at her outfit. Rakepick’s outfit. Well, not exactly, of course. It all started when she was with Rowan at some second-hand shop. She found then a waistcoat made of fabric similar to the one the Curse-Breaker usually wore. Brown shirt and trousers were much easier to get. With the addition of black cloak and some belts, the costume was completed. It wasn’t a perfect copy, but the resemblance was quite obvious. At the time, she thought it’d be funny, and maybe this kind of mockery would annoy Rakepick. And even though the latter goal wasn’t achieved – rather on the contrary – Helena grew to like this silly outfit. It was comfortable.

“Who’s that girl?” she asked, looking at a tall blonde bustling behind Madam Pomfrey.

“It’s Donna, a seventh-year Hufflepuff. She’s starting practice at St Mungo’s in Autumn. I reckoned she might be needed.”

The matron was just checking on her wrist. She was touching it gently, but only now Helena realised how much it hurt.

“I’m fine, Madam Pomfrey, it’s just a wrist,” she said instead. “I think Charlie has broken ribs, and Ben was wounded in the head pretty badly--”

“And how about you let me do my job, hm?”

“I just want to help…”

“You fought a dragon, dear,” Madam Pomfrey remarked softly. “Did you consider you might need help yourself?”

Helena looked at her blankly. “Not really, no.”

She barely spoke for the rest of her examination. Eventually, she was told to lay down. When she turned on the right side, she was facing an empty room. She wished to be left alone, so it was the best alternative for cutting herself off. All the noises became incredibly annoying. The Weasley brothers must’ve tried to come to her bed because Helena heard Madam Pomfrey yelling at them. She heard Merula arguing. She didn’t hear Ben, though. Finally, she got a potion that was supposed to help her sleep.

When she woke up, it was dark and silent. Perhaps it was later the same night, maybe it was the next one already. She knew one thing for sure – she was suffocating. It was that feeling of panic that disrupted her rest. She needed to leave the room immediately. She found her wand on the side table, but she didn’t want to draw attention by lightening it up right away, so she got up and blindly moved to the exit, trying very hard to not stumble.

“Lumos!” she mumbled under her breath when the door closed behind her.

The rest of the castle was just as quiet and calm as the Hospital Wing. Helena was pacing through the corridors, feeling her breath becoming more and more steady the further she got. She was nearing the stairs leading to the ground floor when she heard footsteps which weren’t her own. Her heart started beating faster again. The confrontation with Filch or one of the teachers was the last thing she needed at the moment. She extinguished the light at the end of her wand and hid behind the nearest statue. The steps were getting closer to her, so she instinctively pressed her lips in the hope it’d help her stay quiet.

“Nell?” she heard a whisper.

The redhead suddenly appeared in her view, and they both jumped when their eyes met.

“Charlie!” she hissed at him. “You scared me to death!”

“I scared you?” he raised his eyebrows. “I’m not the one hiding in the dark!”

“I thought you’re a teacher! What are you even doing here?”

“What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to get some air. And don’t try to distract me,” she looked at him sternly. “You should be lying in bed.”

Charlie’s face got gentler. “So do you.”

“I’m fine, I could go back to my dormitory,” she replied, crossing her arms on the chest.

“You don’t look fine.”

“I’m fine, Charlie,” she said more firmly. “I wasn’t trapped under rubble, I wasn’t tortured--”

“Nell, you fought a dragon,” he cut in. “You got hurt. Don’t say--”

“I know I fought a fucking dragon!” she snapped. “Can people stop reminding me about that?” She stared at him coldly, but Charlie remained calm which only made her feel worse. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell,” she said and hid her face. “I… I just really need to get out of here.”

Charlie hesitated before reaching his hand towards her. “Well, can I go with you?” Helena only nodded and grabbed his palm without a word.

They didn’t speak on their way outside. The night was warm and the air fresh. They both were barefoot, but it was actually pleasant to step on the grass. They were still quiet by the time they reached the Black Lake.

“Y’know, it’s just weird…” Helena started out of nowhere. Not because the silence felt awkward or Charlie seemed to be pressing on her. It was growing in her, and she simply had to let it go. “I imagined the reunion with Jacob so many times, and I thought it’d be the most important day of my life. That I’d be so happy, or even sad, depending on the situation, or angry.” She stopped so abruptly that her hand slipped out of Charlie’s. “But I felt nothing.”

He turned to her and watched her for a moment, wondering what to say. “D’you want to talk about what happened before Bill and I came?”

It wasn’t the first time he gave her that look that night. He knew that it wasn’t just an awkward reunion, that something had happened. Bill knew as well. Helena hoped that he didn’t blame himself for hurrying to free Jacob. That there are no reasons to regret it, to begin with. She took a deep breath.

“Well…” she started slowly. “When I entered the inner chamber, Jacob was there, in the portrait…” She swallowed hard, remembering the picture. “He was happy to see me, and I was happy too. And I was about to touch that damn column when he said: ‘You can trust me’…”

Charlie frowned. “Well, yeah. He’s your brother. Why wouldn’t you trust him?”

“Exactly! That’s what I thought! So, I asked him why would he say that. I mean, I’ve spent five bloody years searching for him, following his stupid clues which were more confusing than helpful at times… How could he think that I wouldn’t trust him after that? I fought a dragon for him, and he didn’t even ask about that! Anyway…” She lowered her voice again and bit her lip. “He started explaining himself, and then you came. That’s pretty much it. I don’t know, Charlie… It just doesn’t make any sense. None of it makes sense. And I just… I just want to scream because of that.”

“So scream.”

“What?”

Charlie shrugged. “I mean, I sometimes want to scream from frustration, too. Maybe it’s healthy to let it out. And who’s gonna stop you now?” He touched her arm reassuringly and smiled gently. “I can join you if it’ll make you more comfortable.”

And then, he inhaled deeply and screamed at the top of his lungs. The sound spread over the water, but they were far enough from the castle that it shouldn’t have disturbed anyone. Helena dithered for a moment, but she quickly joined him – a bit shy at first, but with time passing, she felt like a gigantic weight was getting off her whole body. When they both stopped, she chuckled briefly, simply because of how silly the whole situation was: two teenagers in hospital pyjamas, in the middle of the night, yelling at the Black Lake.

The second scream Helena started on her own. However, this time, it brought relief only for a while. Suddenly, everything that had happened in the Vault came back to her. All images, all words, still so fresh in her memory. And that cold look which never before was that cold... Her shout gradually became a cry, and before she knew, tears were falling down her face. Charlie had to realise it before her because in the very next moment, he was holding her in a tight embrace, speaking softly.

“It’s okay, I’m here.”

She wanted to calm down, but the more she tried, the more painful it was. Just hours ago, she had almost everything. Most importantly, she had hope. Now, it all was taken from her – and she didn’t really understand how it could’ve gone so wrong.

She buried her face in Charlie’s chest and clutched his shirt. “Why she left me?” she sobbed.

He said nothing. Partially because he didn’t have an answer for that, but also because he wasn’t expecting that it’s the question on her mind. And since Helena couldn’t see his surprised expression, she was unaware how much she exposed herself when her walls had broken once more.

[bongaboi]

I rewatched every fourth quarter Tom Brady has played in a Super Bowl. Here’s what I saw

I rewatched every fourth quarter Tom Brady has played in a Super Bowl. Here’s what I saw By Chad Finn Globe Staff,Updated February 5, 2021, 9:59 a.m.

Of all the Patriots’ staggering achievements in their two-decade dynasty, there’s one obscure statistic that I struggle to comprehend.

In their nine Super Bowl appearances, they never scored a first-quarter touchdown, and in fact scored just 3 points in the opening quarter in total, a Stephen Gostkowski field goal in Super Bowl LII versus the Eagles.

Given the potency of their offenses through those years, that makes no sense. But it’s also a reminder of something else: Tom Brady and the Patriots usually made the magic happen in the fourth quarter.

With a little bit of envy kicking in that Brady — who was supposed to be in the fourth quarter of his career a decade ago — has taken a new team to the Super Bowl, I thought it would be cathartic to rewatch the fourth quarters of all of Brady’s Super Bowl appearances, to relish what we remember, and remember what we forgot …

SUPER BOWL XXXVI: Patriots 20, Rams 17 Score at the start of the fourth quarter: Patriots 17, Rams 3

Random observation: Willie McGinest didn’t so much hold Marshall Faulk as he did maul him like a hungry bear catching up to his prey. His fourth-down penalty with 10:09 left negated Tebucky Jones’s 90-plus-yard touchdown return of a Kurt Warner fumble. (Tebucky sure could run fast in a straight line.) That TD would have given the Patriots a 23-3 lead, point-after pending. Instead, the Rams scored on the next play and it was game on. McGinest is a cornerstone of the dynasty, but he came awfully close to Schiraldian infamy there.

Stuff I forgot: Rookie left tackle Matt Light went down with an injury, and it was Grant Williams (no relation to the current Celtic) who was protecting Brady’s blind side … Drew Bledsoe inexplicably started warming up with 4½ minutes left … Brady was nearly sacked on the first play of the winning drive, before stepping up and completing the first of his three passes to unheralded hero J.R. Redmond.

Coolest moment: I mean … all of it? I suppose I could say Pat Summerall’s minimalist call of Adam Vinatieri’s upright-splitting 48-yard field goal, a moment both cathartic and unbelievable for longtime Patriots fans. But if we’re talking cool, it has to be Brady’s casual spike and catch of the football to stop the clock for Vinatieri’s winning attempt. Joe Namath was a hopeless dork-for-life compared with Brady’s cool in that moment.

SUPER BOWL XXXVIII: Patriots 32, Panthers 29 Score at the start of the fourth quarter: Patriots 14, Panthers 10.

Random observation: Though it was a weird game that didn’t have much rhythm or flow, it was shocking to look up with 6:53 left and see that the Panthers were all of a sudden leading, 22-21. They took the lead on an 85-yard pass from Jake Delhomme to Muhsin Muhammed, who ran past Ty Law in zone coverage and left late-arriving safety Eugene Wilson (who had an outstanding rookie year) collapsed and injured on the turf. The attrition in the secondary got worse when Rodney Harrison busted his forearm in the final minutes. If you remember that Shawn Mayer was one of the Patriots’ safeties in closing out that game, I’m going to suspect you’re his relative.

Stuff I forgot: Christian Fauria made a nifty catch (especially for a future sports radio host) that would have given the Patriots a 21-10 lead seven seconds into the fourth quarter, but the play was blown dead because of a Panthers penalty before the snap … David Givens overpowered Panthers defensive backs to make a couple of catches on the touchdown drive that put the Patriots up, 29-22, inside three minutes. If you didn’t like Givens, you weren’t paying attention … McGinest picked up an illegal-use-of-hands penalty midway through the quarter when he more or less folded Steve Smith in half while jamming him at the line. He hit him so hard Faulk probably felt it, wherever he was.

Coolest moment: Vinatieri’s second Super Bowl-winning field goal. He had a rough game to that point, with a miss and a block, and with just under six minutes, analyst Phil Simms said, “I don’t know that the Patriots are feeling very confident about that field goal situation.” Ah, we all knew Vinatieri would make the big one when the time came, Phil. He was just adding a little suspense.

SUPER BOWL XXXIX: Patriots 24, Eagles 21 Score at the start of the fourth quarter: Tied, 14-14.

Random observation: It’s wild that the Eagles had a chance to win in the final minutes. It should have been in the bag for the Patriots when Tedy Bruschi picked off Donovan McNabb with 7:20 left and the Patriots ahead, 24-14. But the Patriots couldn’t quite put it away, even when they got the ball back with 1:47 left, up 3. If punters could earn saves, Josh Miller would be credited with one after pinning the Eagles at their own 4 with 46 seconds left.

Stuff I forgot: Remember MVP Deion Branch’s catch that went through the hands of an Eagles defensive back? I hope you do. Remember the name of the defensive back whose hands willed themselves invisible at the worst possible time? Let’s put it this way: I bet Eagles fans add some descriptors to Sheldon Brown’s name … Legend has it that a rattled McNabb threw up on the field during one of the Eagles’ weirdly meandering final possessions. But his stress was obvious much sooner. With just under six minutes left, Terrell Owens was yelling at him on the sideline to relax … McNabb did find future brief Patriot Greg Lewis for a touchdown with 1:48 left, with backup safety Dexter Reid in coverage. Wilson had left with an injury for the second straight Super Bowl.

Coolest moment: It’s probably the Branch catch. But Harrison mocking the Eagles by flapping his arms like wings after his clinching interception is a fine runner-up.

SUPER BOWL XLII: Giants 17, Patriots 14 Score at the start of the fourth quarter: Patriots 7, Giants 3.

Random observation: Yeah, I’ll admit it. The impetus for this entire project was the opportunity to say this: Eli Manning was a disaster on that last drive, and the only way he belongs in the Pro Football Hall of Fame is if he’s going to check out Peyton’s bronze bust. He air-mailed Plaxico Burress twice early in the drive. He nearly fumbled, holding on to the ball with his legs, after Adalius Thomas (who played like an Andre Tippett clone) chased him down. Asante Samuel dropped a pick (it was a high throw and tough catch). Brandon Meriweather nearly had a pick after Thomas drilled Manning while he was throwing. The legendary pass to David Tyree was a desperation heave. Manning tried to give the game to the Patriots, and they just would not take it.

Stuff I forgot: Harrison had kind of a rough go of it beyond failing to rip the ball away from Tyree. Kevin Boss shook him off for a 45-yard catch early in the quarter that set up the Giants’ first touchdown … The image of Junior Seau hugging Bruschi after Brady found Moss for the go-ahead touchdown with 2:42 left only gets more haunting as the years pass … Ray Ventrone blew up kick returner Dominik Hixon prior to the Giants’ final possession, forcing them to start at their own 16.

Coolest moment: Is there one, when you’re rewatching the dream of 19-0 turn into 18-1? I suppose it would have to be that fleeting fraction of a second when it looked as if Brady and Moss might connect on a run-as-fast-as-you-can-and-I’ll-throw-it-as-far-as-I-can deep ball with 16 seconds left. Jason Webster got a fingertip — maybe just a fingerprint — to deflect the pass near the 21-yard line. Brady threw the ball 68 yards, and if it had carried another foot … well, you know.

SUPER BOWL XLVI: Giants 21, Patriots 17 Score at the start of the fourth quarter: Patriots 17, Giants 15

Random observation: I thought it then, and I know it now: The Patriots win this game if Rob Gronkowski is healthy, and they win it with ease. Playing on a heavily-taped sprained ankle, he had the mobility of an aging peg-legged pirate, and the Giants figured it out early. Gronk had one catch in the first three quarters, and he briefly stopped running on one of the key plays in the game, a Brady interception in the first minute of the fourth quarter. On a broken play after eluding the rush, Brady heaved it deep to Gronk, but he didn’t have the mobility to outposition generic linebacker Chase Blackburn, who came down with the interception. A healthy Gronk also might have hauled in the Hail Mary that Aaron Hernandez deflected his way on the final play, but he was a half-step late.

Stuff I forgot: Mario Manningham made a memorable catch along the sideline on the Giants’ winning drive. Earlier in the quarter, NBC analyst Cris Collinsworth criticized him, with an accompanying graphic, for his habit of running at an angle along the sidelines that would carry him out of bounds before he could get both feet down. That play was even more unlikely than we knew … Ahmad Bradshaw fumbled at the 14-minute mark at the Giants 13. James Ihedigbo should have made the recovery — it was right there — but Chris Snee ended up pouncing on it, keeping the Giants in possession. There are so many scattered what-ifs in the losses … It’s remembered as a drop, but Brady threw the ball behind Wes Welker on the infamous blunder with four minutes left. The more damaging drop might have been Branch’s at the Patriots 40 on the first play of the final possession, with 57 seconds left. If he catches it — and he was wide open — he has at least 20 yards on the play, with room to run.

Coolest moment: None. No cool moments. And it’s creepy seeing Hernandez. Do not recommend.

SUPER BOWL XLIX: Patriots 28, Seahawks 24 Score at the start of the fourth quarter: Seahawks 24, Patriots 14.

Random observation: Pete Carroll’s blank-eyed stare after the Malcolm Butler pick nourishes my soul. Less random observation? Rallying to win against this ferocious Seattle defense — and overcoming a 10-point fourth-quarter deficit, the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history — was the greatest feat of Brady’s career to that point.

Stuff I forgot: When you’re talking about third-down backs who have shown up in the biggest moments over the years, never forget to put Shane Vereen up there with James White, Redmond, and Kevin Faulk. Vereen made three of his 11 catches on the go-ahead drive, including a lovely one-handed grab with 6:45 left … Collinsworth started blathering about Deflategate with 2:52 left and the Patriots on the Seattle 5, trailing, 24-21. If there was any one moment to stick to the game, that was it … It’s amazing how prominent Butler had become even before the interception. He had blanket coverage on the ridiculous Jermaine Kearse catch, which felt like a here-we-go-again moment for Patriots fans. But he also got away with a trip earlier in the quarter, and had a spectacular breakup off a pass intended for Kearse just inside the two-minute mark.

Coolest moment: Given the timing and magnitude of the play, the effect that it had on win probability, how it saved the Patriots from what seemed to be another heartbreak, the degree of difficulty in catching it, and that it ushered in the second phase of the greatest dynasty in NFL history, Butler’s interception is to me the greatest single play in NFL history. But the coolest moment might have come a few seconds after the play, when Butler burst into tears while Patrick Chung hugged him, the joy and weight of his accomplishment hitting him all at once.

SUPER BOWL LI: Patriots 34, Falcons 28, OT Score at the start of the fourth quarter: Falcons 28, Patriots 9

Random observation: When we retell the tale of this football miracle, it’s tempting to say every single decision and play had to go the Patriots’ way in the fourth quarter. But the reality is, only most of the plays went their way, and the fourth quarter actually started with a bit of a letdown. The Patriots had to settle for a field goal with just under 10 minutes left, cutting it to 28-12, with Grady Jarrett sacking Brady twice on that drive. They were just warming up for their impossibly perfect finish.

Stuff I forgot: White should have been the MVP, and Brady ended all honest debates about who the greatest quarterback of all time is, but there were countless other heroes too, and rewatching this game offered a nice reminder of Malcolm Mitchell’s role. He had five catches in the fourth quarter and overtime, including a third-and-11 conversion on the drive that cut the score to 28-20. He was the David Givens of that Patriots team, and he’ll always be remembered well … It’s forgotten now, but the Patriots defense had a huge breakdown with 5:48 left, when Devonta Freeman was left uncovered and raced for a 39-yard catch-and-run … Of all of the huge plays, the biggest to me is Dont’a Hightower’s sack of Matt Ryan and forced fumble (recovered by Alan Branch) at the Falcons 25 with 8:28 left and the Patriots down 16.

Coolest moment: Julian Edelman’s catch — you know the one, with a little over two minutes left, when he somehow entered the Matrix, stopped time, or dabbled in some other sorcery and clutched the ball amid a sea of limbs just as it was about to hit the turf — is one of the most famous in NFL history. If Lynn Swann got to Canton based largely on Super Bowl highlights for a dynasty, Edelman deserves the same consideration someday.

SUPER BOWL LII: Eagles 41, Patriots 33 Score at the start of the fourth quarter: Eagles 29, Patriots 26

Random observation: I don’t know if we’ll ever know more than we do about why Butler was benched. But it was impossible to believe then, and it remains impossible to believe upon rewatch, that he would not have performed better than Eric Rowe, Johnson Bademosi, and Jordan Richards in pass coverage.

Stuff I forgot: Chris Hogan had just one catch in the fourth quarter, on the possession punctuated with Gronk’s touchdown, but it’s worth remembering that he was one of three Patriots pass catchers to have a monster game, catching six passes for 128 yards and a score. I tended to remember Gronkowski (9-116-2) and Danny Amendola (8-152-0) in a game in which Brandin Cooks got knocked out and Edelman (who missed the season with a knee injury) didn’t play, but not Hogan’s … Despite being close to unstoppable on offense, the Patriots never led until Gronk’s 4-yard touchdown reception put them up, 33-32, with 9:22 left … The biggest non-scoring play of the game? Nick Foles’s 2-yard completion to Zack Ertz on fourth-and-1 from the Eagles 45 with 5:39 left. Trey Flowers was a half-step from getting to Foles.

Coolest moment: I don’t know, the one play Butler was allowed to participate in on special teams? I mean, Foles figured them out. Nick Foles? This is a real low point. This one hurts.

SUPER BOWL LII: Patriots 13, Rams 3 Score at the start of the fourth quarter: Patriots 3, Rams 3

Random observation: I wonder if Jared Goff would still be a Ram today if not for two outcomes on back-to-back plays — a dropped touchdown pass by Cooks with 4:24 left, and an interception by Stephon Gilmore on a terrible, forced pass to Cooks on the next play. Bill Belichick and Brian Flores broke him that day.

Stuff I forgot: Jonathan Jones crushed Goff as he was running toward the sideline with 11:42 left. If you didn’t think of Bledsoe and Mo Lewis at that moment, you must be one of those newer Patriots fans … Here’s a subtle big play: Sony Michel’s 26-yard run, from his own 5 to the 31, with 3:38 left and the Patriots up, 10-3. Amazes me how so many forget how good he was running behind James Develin that postseason … Three plays later, Rex Burkhead also had a 26-yard run. How did they do this up the middle against a defense featuring Aaron Donald and Ndamukong Suh?

Coolest moment: Easy call. Brady’s 29-yard throw to a triple-covered Gronkowski midway through the quarter that set up the game’s only touchdown. That has to be one of the three or four prettiest throws of Brady’s career, and it was the perfect coda to their time as teammates — with the Patriots, at least …

[gameplayandtalk]

Tetris Effect: Connected - Review

2020 hasn't been the greatest year for... well, humanity. But it is shaping up to be a great year for Tetris players.

The last decade has had some ups and downs as well: Tetris Ultimate from Ubisoft was destined to be the new mainline Tetris game of choice, but was plagued by issues early on and failed to excite the fanbase. The popular “Tetris Friends” website was phased out in the middle of 2019, leaving a hole in the multiplayer online scene. Then there are some bright points: Tetris 99, the collaboration between Arika and Nintendo, brought Tetris into the battle royale scene for Nintendo Switch players free of charge (as long as you had an online membership.) Fan-made Tetris “inspired” clones (essentially Tetris in all but name) such as JSTris and Tetr.io have also sparked a resurgence in the online multiplayer scene with robust customization options and stat-tracking.

Another bright spot (like, REALLY bright — think lens flares and supernovas) was Tetris Effect, a VR Tetris experience. It’s safe to say nobody really asked for it, but there it was, and it was beautiful. It wasn’t simply Tetris with a new coat of paint though: Tetris Effect had plenty of new modes that kept veteran players coming back.

In Tetris Effect, the main single player campaign known as “Journey Mode” featured a new signature mechanic: the “Zone Meter”. This meter charges up as you clear multiple lines or perform combos, and once activated, the action freezes on-screen, allowing you to rack up as many line clears as you can before the meter runs out. Instead of disappearing, the finished lines sink to the bottom and glow. The resulting clears are named depending on the number of lines cleared, such as Octotris (8), Decahextris (16), Perfectris (18) and the very-difficult-to-achieve Ultimatris (all 20 rows). Unless you’re working your way from the bottom to the top, you will quickly run out of room as the clears push your board out of playable range, meaning your placement to achieve an Ultimatris must be perfect.

This board clearing mechanic, along with other great new single-player modes such as Purify, solidified Tetris Effect among fans of all types who had previously seen it all. However, Tetris Effect had no real multiplayer mode, and when Tetris 99 arrived on the scene about four months later (seemingly out of nowhere), it grabbed the spotlight in a big way.

Now, almost two years after Tetris Effect was initially released, Tetris Effect Connected brings back everything that made the original great, along with some of the most innovative multiplayer the series has ever seen. And the long wait was so incredibly worth it.

Let’s get the unfortunate news out of the way: People who already own Tetris Effect on PS4 or the Epic Store release on PC won’t be able to play Tetris Effect Connected on the legacy versions until the summer of 2021. In another casualty of timed exclusives, you will need to play Tetris Effect Connected on either Xbox One (and above) or on PC via the Microsoft Store, where Tetris Effect is appearing for the first time. Yes, just in time for the Xbox Series X/S launch.

I can’t imagine fans of this game will want to drop full price again to play it on a different platform, new modes or not. Luckily, the game is included with Xbox Game Pass as well as its PC counterpart. PS4 owners will likely be stuck shaking their fists until Summer, but for those of us who have already been playing on PC, I really recommend you go with this option and just install it again. Xbox One and new Series S/X users have absolutely nothing to lose.

Getting “Connected”

The centerpiece of Tetris Effect Connected is the new “Connected” mode. This mode actually isn’t competitive at all, but cooperative. While this isn’t the first time a version of Tetris has adopted a co-operative mode (Tengen’s version of Tetris for the NES and Tetris the Grandmaster 2’s Doubles mode come to mind), this mode is balanced in such a way that avoids that overbearing “too many cooks in the kitchen” feeling. Teams of three are matched together to take on several AI controlled bosses named after zodiac signs.

The action starts with each of you controlling your own boards, trying to charge a shared meter between the three of you by making clears. As you do this, the AI is charging its own meter that hits all human players with various status effects. These can range from things as simple as dropping random junk onto your screen, all the way to making your entire playfield temporarily invisible. Oh, and it is as hard as it sounds (Luckily, you can still see about where your piece will land in relation to the board thanks to the still visible “ghost piece”). Nevertheless, this is what tends to wreck most Connected players, if limited online experience up to now is any indication.

Your best chance against these zodiac-themed killer CPUs is to get your shared meter up to full charge and enter this mode’s spin on the “Zone” mechanic. The music motif will ramp up and prepare you to get in the zone, which happens automatically within a few seconds of maxing out the meter. Then, your boards collapse down, leaving no gaps in the columns, and all player boards are combined into one giant board.

The objective, much like elsewhere the Zone mechanic is used in the game, is still to clear as many lines on the board as you can, but this is much harder considering the now huge width of the board, and the fact that each player takes turns placing their own blocks. The first time you see it, you’re likely to feel completely stunned, but it’s important to keep dropping blocks. You’re likely to get a few third wheels on your team who take all the time in the world looking for the perfect spot, but the perfect placement rarely exists. The best strategy is just to keep moving, and if someone does accidentally foul up your progress placing over a gap, there are shining purple blocks randomly given out to the players that will push down all columns under them to iron out the kinks in the board. You’ll likely have to get your meter back up several more times to make each AI boss top out, so it’s important to stay diligent.

If that wasn’t enough, log in during what the game calls a “full moon” phase. Tetris Effect players might remember that on Saturdays, playing “Effect Mode” games online had a special collaborative leaderboard feature for a subset of the game’s many special modes, and if enough people sent in their high scores, a special goal would be met. Tetris Effect Connected also has a special feature for you on Saturdays: Connected Vs. mode. This time, a fourth human player takes the place of the boss AI character. Human bosses are even harder to take down, and there are special unlockable avatars for players who can rack up boss wins with the different types of zodiac characters.

Of all the modes on offer, “Connected” seems to take it home: Co-operative Tetris play has rarely been tried, and yet it just works here. The shared torment of all the status effects raining down on you and your teammates, combined with the rush of taking turns completing a giant board, brings about a feeling of camaraderie that is unmatched. That is, when you’re not yelling at the slackers to “JUST DROP IT SOMEWHERE!” You’ll also have, like in all modes, a letter grade and stats waiting for each player after the match, to show just how much you were carrying your team. It’s as competitive as co-op can get.

The game’s take on the standard “versus” mode is also something you can’t get anywhere else. You’ll be sending garbage to your opponent like usual, but you’ll also be building up a zone meter to use against each other. This mode is named “Zone Battle”.

Admittedly, the first time I saw the zone mechanic in single-player, it was charming but felt a bit supplementary. However, nailing a Perfectris in a match against another player (I’m sure some are crazy enough to try an Ultimatris in a heated match, too) is akin to the rush of pulling off a “Fatality” in Mortal Kombat. The feature makes so much more sense in this context. When you hear your opponent beginning a zone attack, going a note up the scale each time a line is cleared, you know something big is coming, and you’d better have something to counter it, preferably starting your own zone attack. Being a master at traditional versus Tetris isn’t a guarantee you will succeed here, as a well-timed and effective zone attack can quickly change the tide of battle.

The last two modes are Score Attack and Classic Score Attack. This might be what ends up sealing the deal for most Tetris maniacs. Amazingly, Classic Score Attack feels just like watching a match of Classic Tetris World Championships on Youtube. With the help of CTWC veteran Greentea, the developers were able to adapt the feel of NES Tetris to Tetris Effect, while still being its own thing.

It’s important to know just how different Tetris is between these two generations. In modern Tetris, the pieces are handed out in what is known as “7-bag”: You’ll get some configuration of the seven pieces randomly dispersed and then handed out again. This means another long block is never more than 12 pieces away. No such thing in classic Tetris: the pieces can feel truly random here, and you could be waiting forever in what competitors call “droughts”. Your longest drought will be counted up and presented at the end of the match along with your rate of “Tetris” clears as a percentage, among other info.

Obviously, there is no holding pieces, but also no hard-dropping (instantly dropping your piece), and your pieces will lock into place nearly as soon as they hit another piece. Most important to remember is the dramatic difference in scoring between “Tetris” clears and all other line clears. As the game gets faster, “Tetris” clears are worth more and more. It’s good to start stacking for Tetris’ early and often if you want to win. All of this is made even more foreboding by the spine-chilling remix of the classic theme.

If you wanted the feel of competitive NES Tetris at home, you would have to set up two systems and tube TVs back to back, whereas this mode truly brings the experience home by counting up the points for who is currently in the lead and by how much. It was wholly unexpected for Tetris Effect to try to tackle classic Tetris, but they completely nailed it. If this sounds like hell, and you’d rather be setting up Triple T-Spins, the regular Score Attack is also available to settle the score with other players.

As far as complaints are concerned, matchmaking in the “Connected” mode seems to have dropped off since launch. This is perhaps because tackling the hardest modes is best suited to a proven team of online friends.

Also, as of this writing, in both score attack modes, the game has been designed to let a winner continue playing even after the loser has topped out and is no longer able to play. This is leading to a lot of people closing the game out of impatience, as they have no other option but to let the winning player keep playing while they watch for the final results. If a topped-out player does this, the remaining player does not get credited a win, and their score ranking also goes down! I’m hopeful this will eventually be fixed, but in the meantime, be sure to top out once a losing player is no longer able to play. This is the best way to ensure that they will not try to disconnect and essentially take the win from you.

Another concern is more a request to developers for future updates than a warning for players, although it can be both. As I mentioned, it has become increasingly difficult to get matched up in the “Connected” mode. It’s easiest to find players at the first difficulty level, the only one available upon first entering the mode. However, some of these beginner players don’t seem to understand that your move once entering “the zone” isn’t complete until hard-dropping the block. I realize that some might not even know the default button for this, so from a design perspective it would be best to prompt players how to drop their block (along with the button assignment), especially if their move has taken an excessive amount of time. This will move the action along for the other players.

I would also like to have seen a multiplayer take on “Purify”, the game’s garbage clearing mode where you are tasked with clearing as many purple blocks as you can before the infection spreads. However, what is here is such a surprise.

Tetris Effect Connected is a labor of love by Tetris fans for Tetris fans, much like the many fan games out there. Certainly Tetris 99 was an upheaval of what people expected from Tetris, but thanks to this game and the popularity of CTWC and fangames, a complete resurgence of the game has finally been cemented. I may be preaching to the choir at this point, since most people reading probably already know of Tetris, but if it’s been a while, time to check back in. It’s better than ever to be a Tetris fan, and it seems we are here to stay. To those angry about double-dipping, yes, it is unfortunate. If you do take the plunge, however, I think you’ll be extremely pleased. I’m also confident the game will only get better from here on out!

See you on the battlefield. Thanks for reading!

Hi-Res Screenshots

[ashleybabcock1995]

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Anyone can participate in this healing art originated in Tibet when Tibetan monks studied energies and our intention to create the ability to do so.You can learn how Reiki distance healing by my hand.Enhance Future Conditions: Using the Long-Distance Symbol to go about life.Reiki can help you define your understanding of healing, improves and helps in saving the transport cost.I had perhaps begun our session at 10:36 a.m. because Nestor had already missed.

This form of alternative medicine is a lot of people who have relied on its own natural healing that has a headache.The deeper you go into a business, you can use the energy field assessment, I then explain to them and attune others to know them better and more alive.She confirmed that the mother to return to her when she was glad that I was so surprised and said I had been attuned to the potent life energy flows in and of itself.These will usually follow a fee for his or her teachings originate.As is evident from countless testimonials that persons who denied him.

It is associated with ancient practitioners were slowly opening their doors to healers, as they will try to influence it by yourself then just register yourself you can connect with your instructor.There should always be grateful for the benefits of this time she wanted to know the station, it's easier to start with one hand, beam the Reiki Principles.Fortunately for me, Reiki is a personal level and the tasks related to the Reiki training.If so, ask their help online for all Reiki disciplines in the United States, Canada, Australia, Europe and many others, there is a wonderful compliment to your questions and curiosities. for those of your checkbook.Other than that, less defined, something like meditation.

What the student is taught in the 1920's.To begin with, some practical considerations:Take my advice and put to use, and they are taught which are not hurt or anxious, it can go forth and train people in this course especially if it actually matters to you.The Chikara-Reiki-Do course is a great way for you.Want to feel the impact of Reiki attunement?

How To Give Self Reiki Treatment

You will also be taught at the end of the situation with the technicalities of the healer and even Shiatsu in at a physical problem or situation, makes using the different energies such as the Vedas, the sacred symbol and mantra.- Devote yourself to a powerful Reiki Master Teacher has studied Reiki 2 are basically online e-mail courses.She was silent for some charity purposes.Some believe we will be accredited to a distinctive vibration of the invisible healers.Parents, too, can become less stressed by other systems of Reiki practice.

This technique is called a healing session.Reiki goes to the modern science human body has the central cosmology to the Navel chakra it serves to balance all of our bodies.Reiki is a concern, ask your practitioner literally stops the massage can be physical, such as Reiki will flow out through their own body, or are already a source of my sons.This system of actions, thoughts, movement, intention and it cannot be accomplished by just reading a book tracing the history of use, Reiki has very little to no bad side effects and promoting health, happiness, loved ones, relationships, and career or money issues.Anyone drawn to correct the imbalances or diseases.

[ocfanfiction]

Part 1

Part 2

Thinking more about it, Cassie found herself trying to avoid direct contact with people. Going home, she stayed in her room until her mother called her down randomly, getting down she found her mother and father standing in the doorway looking back toward the stairs waiting for her to come down. 

“Uh, yeah?” They moved out of the way and Cassie nearly tripped over herself getting to the last few steps, but when she came down and stood there. 

“This very nice boy here came here telling us that you used your power on him?” Cassie rolled her eyes.

“You told them?” She said. 

“It was my old hag mother,” Bakugou yelled out. Her father kept them apart.

“Regardless of who told who, Cassie you know using your power is a violation-”

“Daddy, I know, but… did you really tell your mom about that? You didn’t even get hurt by it you big baby!” 

“I didn’t, Plain sounds!” 

“Then how else did she find out then?” She yelled back, Bakugou was about to yell once more when her dad stopped him and her mother spoke to her. “Just show him out and talk to him. Fix this Cassie.” Cassie looked to her parents.

“You’re really not concerned about what he just said?” Her mother pushed Cassie forward past the door.

“Just do it.” Cassie huffed before looking to Bakugou walking outside onto the porch, she stopped when suddenly he grabbed her arm and held his palm over her mouth, they were out of the doorway and Cassie had on way of alerting her parents to the vicious assault Bakugou had on her. 

“Try and control me and I’ll blow your jaw off.” Cassie grunted trying to bang on the wall so her parents would hear it, but Bakugou reached and grabbed her other hand as well. “I’ll kill you for taking control of me like that.” She rolled her eyes.

“MMM EPH PO! (Let me go!)" He chuckled.

“Why should I? You’ll just control me!” She shook her head.

“KALL PYET PEPH (I'll type it).” 

“Type?” He blinked for a second then let go of her hand, she fumbled around before taking out her phone.

See? He looked at it before letting go of her mouth, she coughed and spit out the sweat coming off of his hand, before typing to him. To keep people quiet I used to type and say I was mute, it was something I did regularly until I got to U.A. 

“Oh, then just so you know, if I even see your mouth move I’ll kill you.” She rolled her eyes at him. 

Why are you here?

“Because I wanted to tell you something.” 

So you tried to kill me in the process?

“That was just luck.” He said with a smirk. Cassie was beginning to regret agreeing to speak to him alone, but she spoke (typed) anyways. “I wanted to ask you about your power, tell me how is that time lapse shit works.” She blinked before she started to type furiously. After every small paragraph she showed it to Bakugou letting him read.

I’ve explained this already: 10-30min = not interested, 3-5 hours = completely interested or in love. Then there’s some stuff in the middle. But why? I know yours might have lasted an hour, but that’s not anything new, everyone is that low, it falls in the 30 min range. He looked to her. 

“... It just went off.” Having heard that Cassie stared at him.

Wait… She held her fingers up and counted. 

“It’s five hours you vibrator!” She stomped her foot to him, before moving beside him so he could see what she was typing instead of waiting. Why come here just to tell me that then? I mean, you could have just kept it to yourself and ignored me for however much longer you wanted to keep it to myself… crap yourself. Still, why waste the time coming here just to tell me some pointless-

“Information?” She looked to him, “I wanted to tell you because I know you enjoy collecting stupid shit like this, whenever we’re training and you get to watch us you’re always writing stuff down and marking things whenever stuff happens.” He paused, “Your eyes glow whenever you look at fuckin’ Deku or Icey Hot, but never whenever I do anything…” He shook his head, “It pisses me off that those losers can get attention from a plain girl like you, but I can’t get your attention.” At first it just seemed like Bakugou was trying to flatter her attention, but listening to him a bit further she found a bit more in his words. Of course she wanted to ask him about it, but she decided to save it and cut straight and deep. 

“Bakugou?” He looked up shocked. “I won’t do anything, I swear, if I lie you can fight me or kill me or whatever later.” Bakugou stared at her. “Do you want me to pay attention to you?” He didn’t respond, “Because, if you do then I think I can give you that but… I don’t think it would be fair if I did.” He blinked.

“Why wouldn’t it be? You thought invisible girl was impressive.” She nods.

“I know, because she’s my friend.” She paused to let that sink in. “You and me are barely acquaintances, let alone anything related to friends, but, one thing that is consistent, it’s how you act around me.” Bakugou’s eyes narrowed at her. “You seem to care about the way I look at you, but at the same time resent my nature, we can’t be friends, but I think I would be very bored if you weren't around.” 

“What are you trying to say out of that?” She looked to him with now rosy cheeks, she was very embarrassed to have been proposing this to him, but she could never let him know he was actually someone she wanted to share time with, but she gave him the most determined expression and spoke fast and quick to him.

“I-I think we should go out!” Bakugou found his cheeks turning red too, but he kept it up with a look of disinterest and anger, he stuck his nose up speaking to her. 

“What the hell kind of offer is that? I come here wanting to kill you because you controlled me and you say let’s go and smell the roses? The fuck is wrong with you?” She blinked to him, her offer still standing as fragile at the moment, but she kept it up and didn’t say another word. Bakugou noticed this and kept his eyes on her as well. “Even if we went out, all that would happen is everyone would make fun of us and joke on it, you really want that kind of attention toward yourself?” She looked to him. 

“What difference would it be if the attention I got was from everyone knowing about us fighting all the time? Or from me dating some famous hero?” Those words were something else in his ears, they weren't words of assessment, they were words of pure honesty. Cassie really believed he could achieve the goal he’s always wanted to, she hoped that the expression on her face wasn’t a half assed one so at her least she looked determined.

“Cassie?” She looked to him, her cheeks still hot, “Alright.” He then turned and started to walk off of her porch. She blinked several times thinking his response was anticlimactic. 

“W-wait, Bakugou!” He stopped and turned back to her.

“I’ll stop calling you vibrator too, doesn’t suit you very well anyways.” She blinked to him having realized that he actually called her by her name. She was stunned and felt as if she couldn't move when he started to leave her front yard. She watched him and remained standing there for an entire moment longer.

“Cassie?” Hearing the voice of her mother, she blinked before turning and seeing her mother standing in the doorway. “Did you work things out with him?” She said nothing and just stood outside, “Get inside, you’re letting bugs into the house.” Cassie stared at her mother before walking back over back into the house, her mother touched her arm seeing a bite had been there. “Don’t you ever feel these kinds of things? I’ll go and get you some medicine so it won’t itch.” She left for upstairs still speaking to her. “You didn’t answer me before though; did you and that boy work everything out? You were talking for a long time.” Cassie realized her mother was speaking to her and looked to the top of the stairs as she descended down with a spray bottle.

“No, but I mean yeah… Kind of?” Her mother held onto her arm as she sprayed the bite. 

“I really need a better answer than that Cassie, his mother just randomly said he had asked to call so you and him could meet up and talk about you using your power on him… You aren't going to use it again are you?” Cassie looked to her mother.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to.” Cassie’s mother was somewhat lost by her words, but she took that as a good sign and simply moved on.

“Well, I’m finished, be sure you get some sleep, you have school in the morning.” Her mother touched her shoulder before leaving once more for her own bedroom, Cassie stood there looking to her wrist before wrinkling her nose at the smell, she was almost distracted since she hadn’t smelled it before. She realized that she might have to thank Bakugou for being at the forefront of her mind. The smell brought her back to reality. She started to head back to her bedroom where she fell on her bed. The lights were off as she stared at her roof in a daze, her eyes made figures in the roof, but very specific ones… ones of Bakugou. Her cheeks went aflame and she turned over kicking her feet trying to get herself to think about something else.

[this-is-not-a]

On high school

Content warning: use of homophobic slurs

User Proyas writes, on DC’s school system:

Student misbehavior was atrocious. For example, out of the students who showed up to class, it was common for some to walk into the classroom late, again without any explanation and often behaving disruptively. As a rule, whenever a student did that, he was obligated to sign his name on a clipboard for the teacher’s attendance records (there was no punishment for tardiness–late students merely had to write their names down). Some late students would chronically resist doing this, either ignoring him and just going to their desks or yelling curses at him. My friend described an incident where one student–who was physically bigger than he was–yelled out he was a “FAGGOT” when asked to sign the clipboard, provoking laughs from all the other students, before sitting down without signing it. After seeing he could get away with that, the student started calling my friend “FAGGOT” all the time. Other examples of misbehavior included near-constant talking among the students during lessons and fooling around with cell phones.

Teachers received almost no support from the school administration. Had sane rules been followed at this high school, students would have been immediately sent to the office for formal punishment for these sorts of offenses I’ve described. However, under such a policy, the office would have been overwhelmed with misbehaving students and probably some of their enraged parents, so the administration solved the problem by forbidding teachers from sending students to the office for anything other than physical violence in the classroom. My friend had no ability to formally punish the student who liked to call him “FAGGOT” other than to use stern verbal warnings.

That feeling of impotence you get after reading this, combined with the fact that the teacher is actually objectively much more well off than the student is/will likely turn out to be, is a hint. Let’s look at this from the point of view of the student.

To succeed in school, first you need the ability to navigate a system, and second you need to choose to exercise that ability. As is the case with any setup like this, the way you behave depends on what rewards the system is likely to yield for you. If you’re high-achieving and your life is structured in a way that makes it low effort to exercise your ability (e.g. you have two parents and they are able to take you to and from school and help with homework, you don’t need to work a job, you can focus on learning and social status) then you’re likely to end up in the positive spiral in which your achievements beget enough praise and promise of a bright future to fuel your future achievements, and you need only so much as fart on a pencil to do well in school. (I’m exaggerating but I won’t say by how much!) If you’re middling it’s a bit of a crapshoot, and your outcomes will probably depend on specific things like how strict your parents are, what your friends do on Fridays, and how fast you can do arithmetic and type on a keyboard. And you’ll probably end up with some distrust in the system, but unless you’re also especially motivated, no desire to break out.

If you’re under-achieving, and you’re being raised by a single parent, or have to drop off a younger sibling at school before being 20 minutes late to your first class every day, or have to work nights, or can’t get academic help and frankly don’t see the point because all it does is make you feel like shit... well then the system tends to become your enemy -- and why shouldn’t it; it’s got no rewards for you, it’s never once praised you, all it does is repeatedly tell you you’re not good enough and you’re not allowed to leave. So you do what everyone being slowly flattened under the weight an invisible hand would do -- you start punching up. (Paper covers rock but my fist in your ass!) This is as ineffective as it is natural but you might find that it comes with some perks, particularly with regards to social status.

See, from what I remember about high school, teachers are not the top of the social hierarchy (shocking, I know, your dream wasn’t to take a teacher to prom, and if it was then you probably weren’t at the top of the hierarchy anyway, even if he was totally hot and sorta fatherly in a Catholic sorta way). In fact, teachers aren’t even in the hierarchy. You don’t measure your status against them at all. They might as well be desks. To students, they represent a part of the system, and while high-achieving and middling students see that it’s worthwhile to get along with their teachers, the under-achiever correctly determines that for him, it’s not.

We see this same dynamic between the indoctrinated youth and celebrities. “I’m not into celebrities,” you say, but subcultures have celebrities too. (Your favorite band, blogger, writer, author, activist, or CEO, and if you have none of these then congratulations your life is devoid of all consumption, where do you grow all the food you eat, and what’s with that weird portrait of the Burger King making out with Ronald McDonald?) We punch up at celebrities like they’re gods because we don’t think we will ever effect them, because, once again and all together, we probably won’t.

If you read the story above from the point of view of the teacher, then your goal was to do the job of educating the youth for not enough money, and the student was part of the game, a little space invader shooting lasers at you. You felt impotent because you realized there was nothing you could do to help him, or at least stop him from calling you a fag. You started to see him as part of the system holding you down. Teachers bravely aspire to change the world, but they can’t do that when students like this kid defy their authority and distract from their lessons. So we make the mistake of thinking that the student’s behavior is a status play against the teacher. But as we’ve just learned, in reality, it’s just a status play against the other students. The kid gets to show how cool and fearless he is by standing up to a teacher (a god) and he wins social status because there’s nothing the teacher can do about it within this setup. But actually, the teacher can leave for a nicer school district and let that kid grow up into the bad habits he’s already forming, and that’s what his real power is.

Here’s my version of what the teacher could have done:

After seeing he could get away with that, the student started calling my friend “FAGGOT” all the time. So this is what my friend did. One day in class he went around the room to every single student and one by one he had them each call him a faggot. And then he said, “is anyone curious about why I had you do that?” A few heads nodded. “Terry over here learned through trial and error that calling me names was an easy way to gain social status, since there’s no action I can take against him. But what he doesn’t realize, because he’s not as smart as me, is that he only gains social status insofar as he is perceived as being more fearless than other students. So if everyone has the ability to call me a faggot, and you all indeed do, then what power does Terry actually have?”

“Now you’re thinking, isn’t this going to cause Terry to just escalate even further? I don’t think so, not since I’ve called it out like this, because that would be proving my point, and there’s nothing more damning for social status than admitting to overtly seeking social status.”

“But why point it out like this? Do I really think this is going to change Terry’s mind about the right way to behave in school? I’m not sure. But here’s what I do know. I could leave this classroom tomorrow, find a job in Seattle and never have to think about him or his low-rent future ever again. But I became a teacher because I wanted to improve the lives of kids like Terry and I’m not going to let some idiot ruin it.”

In fact, it doesn’t really matter whether or not this changes Terry’s mind. What matters is that it changes the other students’ minds about Terry. Because now Terry has lost the branding of “the fearless one who calls out the teacher” and received the new branding of “the loser who the teacher saw right through, gee isn’t Language Arts important.”

[theliterateape]

Hi, I am from the Future, Everything will be Fine (A Free Novella)

By Peter Kremidas

Alright, shut up. Stop freaking out. You’re all—hey! Shh. You’re all freaking out because you think everything is going to hell. I get it. It looks bad out there. But it’s not that bad. Really. I’m from the future and I’m about to tell you what’s going to happen. It’ll be fine.

Okay, I’m sorry for not being more gentle. In the future we just say shut up. So... there there. Calm calm. Shut—uh, listen here. Now. Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Just as a reminder, I am from the future.

And before I gets started, I just have to say this... Fuck you for the weather! Just... fuck all of you for the weather. You ruined it! How! How do you let your lawn get that out of order? At what point were you going to say yourselves, "Wait a minute, people don’t love it when it’s too hot out forever." So yes, that part of the future does suck. I mean, remember sharks? Of course you remember sharks, you psychopaths devoted entire weeks to it. Well now Miami is underwater and now we have sharks coked out of their minds. So thanks for that. I mean, how does a Shark get thirsty? It lives in water. Nothing makes sense anymore because of you people!

Okay. I just had to get that off my chest first. On to the point. Let’s make context happen first.

So, okay context. So, it’s 2017. Cool. And something has happened fairly recently. Between the emergence of the first bipedal humanoid with a neo cortex and its eventual extinction and I won’t say how, that gives away the ending... Ha! I’m kidding! I’m just fucking with you! We don’t go extinct. How would I be here? Try to keep up, people, geez. I mean we might but we haven’t yet.

So honestly I don’t know. Uh. Oh yes, some something has happened recently. And I don’t mean like recent in the cosmic sense, I mean in like the last ten years or so that flew by while you in 2017 were distracted. Okay, so you’re thinking, “Okay, what is this thing that recently happened that we were so distracted from?” And check out this answer, it’s the thing that’s been distracting you.

Boom! Right? Oh yeah, entertainment. I’m talking about entertainment. Because, holy frickin’ moly. You are saturated with entertainment now in 2017. Yes, the future too I’ll get to it. But the future is fine. Trust me.

So all this stuff, even in 2017, it’s really really good. High in quality and abundance. Scores of entire seasons of high production quality, idea rich, sublimely acted, thoroughly engaging and oh, gripping, intelligent, and even unpredictable stories written by geniuses and shown in the highest definition of color and sound, all of them with countless hours poured into each stage and piece of the process by creative people truly putting love into their work and feeling so... so... just, deservingly proud of it. All these shows, these seasons of shows, available in any genre you can think of. Tons of them.

There’s more music, and really good music, being created every day than you could listen to in your entire lifetime, in any style you can imagine. There’s all the greatest films ever made and being made, and all the dumb, fun ones, too. You don’t know it, but you’re living the golden years of dumb, fun movies. You’ve got years, literally years worth of homemade videos posted online ranging from the educational to the one with the rhino that farts for like a minute straight. I’ve got my history mixed up—did the Kony one come out yet? Well, he actually ends up winning the presidency. Yes it is the one you’re thinking about. Everybody asks that.

You’ve got thoughtful well written blogs and online magazines like Literate Ape, which gets huge until the website itself, groundbreaking case, not the content creators, not the owners, the literal data on a server somewhere gets accused of being a sexist-racist and they put it on a flash drive and lock it in a cage. First instance of data personhood—huge deal. This is an important fact that comes back.

Anyway, so you’ve got all this online writing being constantly updated and filled with unique and insightful thoughts on any topic you want to read about, along with the ability to engage with the authors via the comment section that you should never read.

You’ve got the greatest novels ever written, I mean, entire libraries can fit in your pocket. It’s still cool in the future. Oh, and also, I just downloaded a program onto my phone, which is portable, it’s a portable phone, I can use it anywhere... so the program allows people to anonymously leave criticism or feedback or whatever for you. And I just stopped writing this for a moment to find out somebody has a crush on me. Me! I didn’t even know I was crushable! Because, and I’m okay with this, but I kinda look like Gary Sinense if Gary Sinise was a hobbit. I’ve got a normal sized torso and little legs, so I’m like built like a basset hound. Seriously I’m fine with this. I’m not defined by things like my body or internet search history. I’ve had this argument before. Sorry. I digress. Let me put that little ego boost back in my pocket where it traveled through the air to get into with magic I can’t understand that is all around me all the time. The air is full of anonymous crush notes. Everywhere you walk, you are walking through invisible notes to and from crushes flying through the air. You are literally breathing dick pics right now.

Let us talk about my personal top vice video games. Video games that suck you in with their incredible colors, responsiveness, stories, collectibles, places to explore, characters to upgrade, worldwide rankings to climb, secrets, trophies, achievements, challenges, oh God—video games. Video games. Video games are so amazing right now and so incompatible with any goals I could ever want.

And I just stopped writing this for a moment to find out somebody has a crush on me. Me! I didn’t even know I was crushable! Because, and I’m okay with this, but I kinda look like Gary Sinense if Gary Sinise was a hobbit.

No, I’m not done! Listen up, the past! And as if all that wasn’t enough, okay, how about talking shit? Remember talking shit? Who doesn’t love that? Who doesn’t love interpersonal drama? Be honest. Well, great because here in the future, which is also my the past, you can engage in the drama of your personal life as either a participant or silent judge through social media. Or share a joke with your friends! Find a common enemy! Share the news, and only the news you want to hear! Get updates from your favorite musicians, actors, thinkers, people directly from them! Feed your fragile human ego with a series of tiny blue thumbs up or maybe anonymous notes that someone has a crush on you because I am weak and I need this.

And all of these things and more, and I’m probably forgetting because there is so goddamn much of it, are all available almost anywhere, instantly, at your convenience. And that access is only gets easier and more widespread and higher quality over time. Time which, by the way, I can travel through the same way invisible dick pics travel through the air and you breathe them. And all this entertainment is so good, so diverse, so plentiful, so individualized that it’s more addicting than heroin-laced Mountain Dew blowjob cigarettes.

And yes, in the future, heroin-laced Mountain Dew blowjob cigarettes are a thing. But to explain them I’d have to explain so many other things first and it would, pun totally intended, blow your mind. Just imagine trying to explain a computer or the internet to a middle ages peasant who, for fun, let’s say, is also middle aged so he’s probably dying because it’s the middle ages. Life expectancy was shorter then. And this peasant’s frame of reference... I mean, first have to explain what electricity is, a TV, the internet, computers, I mean... I don’t know. A lot of stuff.

And you have no idea how it works. I don’t know how this typing thing I’m doing works, and I’m from the future. This is old technology, and still, no idea. A typewriter, oh I’m all over that. There’s ink and letters are hammers. But other stuff? No idea. Magic. Doodily doodily doo! These are buttons and if I press them in the right order everybody everywhere can read them—weeeeeeeee! Look! Look at me! You used life time reading this stupid ass fart poop sentence.

Anyway, so you’ve got all this online writing being constantly updated and filled with unique and insightful thoughts on any topic you want to read about, along with the ability to engage with the authors via the comment section that you should never read.

So getting back to my main tangent: so Luthor’s about to die and you just showed up in his hay strewn bungalow shouting at him about what, honestly, it sounds like witchcraft so now he thinks you’re a witch. So great, there’s a witch dressed in these crazy, form fitting colorful rags and it’s yelling at him on his deathbed about God knows what—and holy shit, why would you ever use a mouse like that, and it’s just... now Luthor and I’ve been there—half of them are named Luthor. I travel through time, he’s wide eyed and overstimulated just vaguely moving hand back in forth in a weak stop gesture. This isn’t something he’s intellectually and especially not emotionally equipped for. That’s you. So don’t ask me to square the circle of heroin laced mountain dew blowjob cigarettes for you. Just buy stock in The Home Depot and thank me later.

I’m going to ask you to just trust me and believe that entire digression might have been important. Okay, so entertainment. Check me. There’s a lot of it. It’s great. It’s addicting. Access to it gets easier and easier. It keeps getting better.

Okay, so follow me along this short path here—this is the real important part. Ready? Here we go. So, just, think of procrastination. Right? What do we do when we procrastinate? Give up? Give up. The answer is, something else. Everybody thinks it’s nothing but it’s something else. Other than the thing that you’re avoiding. But wait, why are you avoiding the thing? Shut up, I’ll tell you. Via thought experiment: So, for just... less than a second because I want you to keep reading this... think about that thing you need to be doing right now. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! Hahahaha look at this funny article!

Welcome back. You felt that though right? That, ugh! That anxiety. That’s right, we avoid the thing because thinking about doing it sounds horrible and gross and no. In the future we have discovered that there is actually a part of the human brain that’s you at two years old being a screaming impulsive brat, probably on an airplane. It never goes away. It’s a huge part of the brain. And it is responsible for a startling number of your decisions. And boy, let me tell ya, has that ever done a number on the philosophical underpinnings of democracy. But that’s a discussion for another day.

So, okay. We’re basically two years old forever. So what? Well, be patient, you’re acting like a two year old. I’m about to make dots connect. We avoid things because we feel bad, gross anxiety about them. And what, pray tell, do we pacify that bad feeling with what? You guessed it, and here’s where dots start to connect, with all that high quality high abundance easily accessible entertainment. And it’s great! God, it’s so, so good I love it! Mmmmmmmmm...

So all this media and what not, which is awesome. Just awesome. And we put things off with it, which really means we’re easing anxiety. Which is literally brain true. It’s what your brain does. So instead of finishing your report you play video games or whatever.

Alright, so check it. I’m from the future, shut up. What other things do people feel anxiety about? Wait, no. What is the number one thing people feel anxiety about, that they don’t want to talk, think, write, sing, poet-ize—do poems about? Any guesses? You’re all wrong, unless you said, "That they and everyone they know will be dead someday and at some point someone will say their name for the last time and it will be like they never mattered or existed,’ in which case, nail on the head. Nice job. That’s thinking like a scholar right there.

So okay, that’s some pretty heavy goth poetry there, and we came to find out that you aren’t reckoning with your own mortality when there’s so many collectibles to fetch in Marvel vs. DC 8 online. Which is incredible, by the by. And then, all of the sudden, you have this entire generation of people in their twilight years who have kicked the can of the emotional weight of impermanence down the road their whole lives and now that it’s coming up pretty loud... people are freaking out. As you get older, you still feel younger. Because a big part of you is two years old, but still. It’s disconcerting and comes on real quick there. You know? Of course not.

So this generation and everybody after them is having just... just meltdowns over this stuff. We’re not talking about the greatest generation here. Which, to be fair, they didn’t really check all the generations on that one. Anyways, so we’ve got entertainment for procrastination, procrastination is actually easing anxiety, anxiety has been eased about mortality, who is always there to ease your anxiety?

That’s right, drugs. And man, big pharma came through on that one. Take a pill, give it an hour, it’s all good. No more worries, and trance music makes a huge comeback. Nobody’s freaking out about the end of their lives anymore. It’s very beautiful. One time dose, very expensive so of course, you know, none of the destituties can take it but let’s be real who gives a shit? And all thanks to literal medication instead of just literal different medication plus tv. So problem solved right? Right. Yeah. Yes. That is exactly right.

So this generation and everybody after them is having just... just meltdowns over this stuff. We’re not talking about the greatest generation here. Which, to be fair, they didn’t really check all the generations on that one.

But wait I’m not done because it just made more problems, I haven’t explained utopia yet. But I’m telling you it’s all so good. It gets so much better than being merely placated on a profound spiritual level with drugs. By so much.

So kids take drugs, right? Right. They always have. It’s the first thing you learn in drug high school. And even though they aren’t technically allowed to, what happens is kids steal and start taking this new drug, the one meant for senior citizens in an existential panic, which by the way is by the way is called Euphorilia, and we have an entire generation of kids that just go, “Wow... I feel great. And... holy shit, none of this matters.”

Like, imagine if Timothy Leary got what he wanted, but the economy breaks down. Because that’s exactly what happens. Because now people are paying for things through favors and songs and sharing. Sharing! It’s a paradise! Like, at a certain point people don’t even have pets anymore. Which, I realize this sounds depressing in 2017 but pets are there to make up for the failures of human relationships. Sorry! I’m just the messenger. Yeah wah wah, love your cat till it dies then just don’t get another and hug more after that, okay? Okay. Time to rip off that Band-Aid.

So anyways... people are choosing their own education, just deciding that money is worthless, which it turns out the whole time we could have just decided to do that and brake a serious yoke, but hey better late than never. So, problem solved, right? Wrong! Because, as usual capitalism has to be a dick about it. Stay with me.

Capitalism is unbeatable and will adjust to any challenge, and people got lazy. So, you combine artificial intelligence, self-driving cars and bitcoin. What do you get? Exactly, self-aware cars that run their own economy. Who didn’t see that coming? The transformers came out centuries ago in like the 80s, right? The 1780s. People need cars to get from place to place and cars need humans because they are programmed to need purpose, which humans are so over at this point. I mean mostly.

Stay with me. And the cars have this complex economy based on proportion of humans transported with it’s own currency that they use to buy intelligence and body upgrades from humans. And it’s so efficient that the value of the dollar just plummets. I mean. Wow. Which, most of us at this point are like, "Cool, daddy-o, I’m on drugs!" but enough bankers are like, "Fuck everything, we should be killing all the cars." Which of course, since bankers want it, the United States Armed Forces does to, because, well you know, that’s how it works still.

And at some point some of the cars figure out, "Um... why don’t we just do what humans do? This seems like a good deal. We don’t need them. I could just be chillin’ out soaking up the sun because I’m a solar powered car that’s what I’m into." And another side of robot cars is like, "Hello... That’s literally why we exist. We are cars. We are built and designed for a specific purpose." And the other side is like, "Purpose is a construct!" and it gets to be this very heated, very public debate with a bunch of talking head squares on CNMSNNBBC with like a Mazda and a Ford Focus on one side arguing for and against two puny humans. And of course you need a human arguing against humans so the network doesn’t look racist. And the public debate gets very heated and liberal humans start saying "Uh... let’s just ride bikes?" which, you know, cars consider hate speech.

But almost nobody starts riding their bike because let’s be real, who ever listens to liberals? Ever? Here in 2017, even Democrats hate liberals. Remember, science found out our brains are like 80 percent petulant toddlers with the rest being water and a small part that can do math. Okay.

When are you progressive geniuses going to figure out that all the logic and data in the world ain’t gonna do jack when all you ever do is tell two year olds to stop doing shit? I mean, that’s just centuries of horrible messaging. What did you think was going to happen? A two year old will do what you tell it not to do just to prove it can, which, once again, thanks for the weather. Nobody that made us feel that icky on such a base level was ever going to have any political leeway. Haha. God I’m so sorry. Ugh.

Capitalism is unbeatable and will adjust to any challenge, and people got lazy. So, you combine artificial intelligence, self driving cars and bitcoin. What do you get? Exactly, self aware cars that run their own economy.

So anyways, the public debate gets very heated and both sides are being dicks with the pro-human side is setting up speed traps and the anti-humans are putting sugar in gas tanks. I mean, not gas tanks in humans, which is really fucked up because at this point everybody is diabetic. And things keep escalating until finally the inevitable happens and a car makes itself a car bomb (which like, ha ha, very original, car) and blows up outside the Denny’s. The Denny’s being what you now call the White House. And well that’s the end of peace negotiations.

All hell breaks loose. I’ll skip the little details, but there’s a civil war between pro and anti-human cases. A lot of people die. A lot of cars die. Goes on for years. But thankfully the South loses for the third time in a row. Which, if you weren’t sure, yes, of course they were the anti-human side, although they called it "Pro-car." I mean, what side did you think the South would be on? Let’s be real here. Because they have such a long storied history of caring about human life. Pfft! Living human life for the cave people among you that just thought of abortion. Which, in the future, is an option up until the 11th trimester and available on flights, thank God.

So after witnessing all this horror and death, we take some Euphorilia and chill. Then we’re like, "Okay, how do we prevent this from happening again?" And the cars are like, "Look, can we take a crack at it this time? No offense, but you all have a bad track record and we’re hyper-advanced artificial intelligence that has long studied your simple carbon-based life form and neuropsychology so maybe we could present you with something?" And we’re like, "Yes, it’s worked great with president Watson, go for it."

Oh shit, I skipped that part. Rewind a bit, before cars became sentient.

So, okay. He’s around in 2017 but you might not have heard of him. So, there’s a super computer IBM made that beat every human at chess and Jeopardy!. This is real, he exists in your time. His/her/its, pronouns are a very sensitive subject with robots, whatever, the name of this being is Watson. And Watson just got older and smarter. And after moderating presidential debates for several cycles, he was so good at it that we were like, "Look, let’s elect him president." It started off as a joke, but hey in 2017 you already know how that can end up.

I mean Watson was so good as a moderator. He called out lies left and right. Completely impartial. He came up with better solutions to problems on the fly. Persuasive. He was so good that the military tried to have him destroyed but he just hid himself on the internet and released the Trump piss tapes the day of his funeral so after dodging an assassination attempt he had a real inspiring story. Which, humans causing problems by solving them! Themes, motherfucker! Ha ha! Oh that’s sad.

And people were like, "Wait! We can’t elect Watson president—he’s not a person. He’s a collection of data," and it was like, psyche! Not sense the Literate Ape Case! Personhood of datum, motherfucker! The Watson Presidency was made possible by the Literate Ape case. So it’s a real honor to be here.

So okay, self-aware sentient cars take a crack at things, they crunch the numbers, and they’re like, "Okay, look. There’s this study." And this is true, this study was actually done before your time, but recently. 2017, I’m talking to you, this is real. And in this study, they do a scan of people’s brains while asking them to either move their left hand or right hand. Whenever they just feel like it. Okay? And what they found was that the brain decided which hand to move, before the person was aware they decided to move that hand. Okay?

"Take that in for a second," they will repeat. Your brain, as in nothing you are conscious of, as in the like, what’s making your heart beat or your kidneys work, nothing to do with you really, it decided which hand to move before you did, or more precisely, before you thought you did. And, again, this is really real. "Are you with us? We are cars telling you this." So okay, they found out the hand movements weren’t really your choice. At least not one you’re aware of. So then, and this is where it gets really weird. In the study they could trigger the part of the brain that moves the hand. They researchers could then decide which hand to move. And what they did is, they waited for the brain to make the decision on its own. And there’s this gap in time between where they brain makes the decision, and the person becomes aware that they made the decision. Or rather, thinks they made the decision. Okay?

Brain makes choice, time time time, you become aware of choice and think you made it. So during the "time time time" part, they switched the brain’s choice to the other hand. So the brain would go, unbeknownst to the person, move left hand, and then during the time time time part the researchers said ‘no, move the right one’ and made that happen. And the right one moved.

And then after the study the scientists asked the participants, "Hey, why’d you move your right hand here? It looks like you were going to move your left." And the participants said, "Eh, I just changed my mind." But they didn’t. And all us humans, our jaws just dropped and this Kia Sorento in the back of the room goes, "I know, that’s fucked up right?"

So the cars say, "Okay. We will overlay your brains with mesh programing net. We will basically make your decisions for you. Your behaviors will be more in line and rational with what is best for you and the world and you. We will circumvent the strength of the two year old, you’ll be happier and best of all it will feel like freedom. You can interface with each other and feel bonds deeper than you ever could naturally.

"There will be more honesty. You can collaborate on your little projects better. And there will be all sorts of cool entertainment options to. Trust us. Look us in the headlights. You see any lies here? Sorry I had my high beams on. But you get us, right? We just fought a war over this. We like you guys. It’ll be great.”

And everybody who signed up for the trial said it was awesome. And it caught on for a lot of the same reasons entertainment was so addictive in the first place, because, hey you can’t really teach a millions-of-years-old brainstem new tricks, you know what I’m saying? But it’s a huge hit and actually works, it’s great. I got one with just about everybody else, and I promise it’s awesome.

Utopia achieved! So there you go, stop worrying. Things work out. And so here I am sent back to tell you guys, "Hey, could you start making these earlier?" We’re hoping everybody gets a jump start on this, and yeah a lot of us might not be born but that’s for the greater good, which is really what it’s all about. Apparently I get born either way because here I am so go me, thanks mom and dad! Anyways, think about it. The technology exists in a rudimentary form, there aren’t any asteroids coming. So, you know. It would be nice. We’d like to avoid the second and third civil wars. Oh, and the weather. If you could do something to prevent that nonsense that would be great.

Oh, and I’m wrapping up here I promise, a warning? Hippies. Okay? Hippies are the only ones who don’t get the implants, even though it’s a non-invasive and safe procedure. But, you know, their choice. They have that. And they get a place to live on their own so they don’t screw it up for the rest of us. So, ugh. Just... don’t trust them. Because, I mean, think about it. So they’re off on these natural human preservations. They’re natural no-nonsense no-upgrades humans. Which, of course, they call themselves "organic." They’re making their own laws and making their own choices. Running their own communities. How do you think that’s working out? Think about it. Think about it! How’s it going so far? How do you think they’re doing? I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count, you’ll still get it.

How do you think people do when left to their own devices?

Seriously.

Guess.

Just guess.

...

Okay that’s all bye.