#even the chef is enamoured with him đ
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Lando the driver streamer golfer DJ photographer professional chef? Ay ay ay.
#he's so ridiculous#I love it#even the chef is enamoured with him đ#also: once again evidence of lando the lying liar who lies (affectionate)#'allergic to fish'?#suuure đ€š#lando norris#'ay ay ay'
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Looove the moodboard!!đ
I am once again screaming about the dialogue, it is immaculate and hilarious and soooo spot on throughout the whole storyđâš
They looked up at him with two identical grins, both no doubt thoroughly amused at his swearing.
Thisđ already love the two girls
Therefore, in both girlsâ baskets landed, in that order, two decorative Granny Smith apples made of recycled glass, a pack of watch batteries, Marlboro lights (slightly opened), and a small bag of dog treats.
All three uninvited guests were looking at him now like one would at an utter lunatic, though the youngest of the three was simultaneously completely taken by the strangeness of the man before her.
Absolutely cackling at the array of itemsđ
Both girls exclaimed excited âthank youâsâ, obviously having been treated enough for one eveningâboth by the ensemble of creative swear words and the cigarettes they would no doubt trade for something awesome at school.
Probably would have loved a halloween like this as a childđđ
The unexpected noise managed to finally wake up Alfieâs otherwise retired Bullmastiff, and as the giant hound tilted his massive head back and howled for no reason at all, all three unexpected visitors shrieked together.
This is genius, the perfect addition!!đ
Profits were minimal, but Alfie was prepared to forgive the rent from time to time for two reasonsâhe loved hanging around the place, and also his tennant was positively vicious.
Alfie was positively enamoured with the evil old thing. He often remarked they would have been married in another life (at which he either received a scowl or a slap across the head).
I adore Mrs. OâBrienđ„șđ such a great character!!
knowing full-well that the cure for his annoyance was usually to annoy someone back
To Alfieâs dismay, Mrs. OâBrien said nothing to that, for as much as she was an unfriendly old thing, she also never passed on the opportunity to be a nuisance to him.
The dynamic between these two??đđ *chefâs kiss* would read a whole series
finishing on the stuffed vulture placed on the bookshelf right behind the cash register counter.
I thought to myself that a vulture is truly very fitting and then you hit me with that next lineđđđ
âAye, that misunderstanding seems to like the looks of ya.â
 Yesđ„șđ
Incredible story, an absolute joy to read!! I apologize for basically quoting half the story back at you, I was too excitedđłđđâš
Saga, congratulations once again on 1K!! đ I know how much you wanted to write something Halloween inspired so I thought perhaps a modern AU where Alfie forgets what the date is. He's home watching tv while everyone is out trick-or-treating. When there's a knock at the door, he's surprised to see his neighbor, a single mum, and her two adorable children in costume. Now he must play along and find them a treat. Bc he's Alfie and has no idea about kids, I imagine he'd give them an odd assortment of items he collected in haste. đ€Ł But their mum would find it sort of charming and maybe she invites him and Cyril to walk with them. Just something humorous and fluffy for a quick blurb. I hope it inspires you!
"Trick or Treat" â (Alfie Solomons x OFC)
SUMMARY â Modern!AU. One Halloween evening, three witches come to Alfie's porch for trick-or-treating. Chaos ensues.
AUTHORâS NOTE â Goodness, how long I made you wait for this one, I'm so sorry my friend! đđI hope the moodboard I made to accompany this fic and the extended length makes up for it! đđđđI really did my best with this I think, or at least beat my temporary writer's block right on the head with itđđđđđ
WORD COUNT â 3,599
Masterlist
For one Alfie Solomons, the morning of Halloween began with a haunting.Â
The doorbell rang at an ungodly early hour and he nearly fell off the bed when he heard it. Knowing full-well he wasnât expecting anyone, Alfie reasoned quickly that the only possibility could either be a stranger, a neighbour, or the police. Not really sure which one of these was worse, he stomped towards the front door grumpier than ever.Â
âYeah, yeah, hold yer fuckinâ horses, treacle, I ainât decent!â he grumbled when the doorbell sounded again.
Alfie opened the door and immediately closed it as soon as his eyes met with Inspector Campbellâs.Â
âGood morning, Mr. Solomons!â Chester Campbell exclaimed, entirely all too happily for Alfieâs liking, and he seemed completely undeterred by the treatment.Â
Which could only mean he had some bad news.
âNope! Nah! Not doinâ that with ya today, right, so you can go fuck off, mate!â Alfie promptly turned around to locate the closest trousers and check the corridor for anything incriminating while at it.Â
âMr. Solomons, we need to talk!â Campbell knocked on the door once more and Alfie grunted when he finally managed to get himself half-way into a half-clean pair of jeans.
âYeah, weâve done too much of that lately for my likinâ, right, so you can get a warrant!â he shouted right back.
âIs that really necessary?â
âAfraid so, yeah!â
âMr. Solomons, youâre stalling!â
He absolutely was, yes.Â
The thing was, Alfie wasnât exactly surprised that Campbell came to see himâtracked him down, more or less. Alfieâs parole meeting was coming up and the prospect of his earlier charges getting dismissed obviously must have enraged the Inspector enough to come down all the way to Margate.
But then, just as the Inspector raised his hand to knock again, Alfie opened the door once more and squeezed himself right in front of the other man, closing the front door behind him and thus creating the environment he hoped would be increasingly uncomfortable for the copâat least uncomfortable enough to get him down from his high horse and off the porch.
âRight, there we are then, treacle, nice anâ cosy, just as we like, right? What can I do for ya?â Alfie sneered.
âMr. Solomons, is that really necessary?â Campbell asked, in a tone that let Alfie know just how exasperated he was with the nonsense.
âAye, forgot to clean the place, right, âs a bloody pigsty it is,â Alfieâs sneer only grew. âIf youâd give me a headâs up thereââ
âVery well,â Campbell grumbled and looked around to see if any passers-by would witness what he was about to do next.Â
Unfortunately for Alfie, his house, while comfortably close to the sea, was also the most remotely placed.Â
Which was why the Inspector could lean in and whisper maliciously:
âNow, I know what youâve been up to, Mr. Solomons, and I also know that you know how close I am to implicating the Shelbys along with it. So you can consider your parole hearing⊠How should I put it? Utterly redundant.â
After that delightful little message, Campbell straightened his back and exclaimed, unnecessarily loudly:
âGood day, Mr. Solomons!â
So you could say all of that left Alfie a little enraged. Distracted, even. Truth be told, he completely lost track of time, which angered him even moreâthat he let Campbell get to him like that.
Nonetheless, Alfieâs foul mood resulted in him frantically going between calling his lawyer, switching from threatening and pleading, and then smoking the cigarettes he swore he wouldnât touch again.
Somehow, the entire afternoon passed him by and when Alfie finally calmed down enough to sit down and watch a movie, the doorbell rang again.
âAlright, thatâs it!â he roared, certain that this time Campbell had somehow managed to make up a reason and come back to arrest him.Â
Drug charges, you see, were something of a slippery thing; at least when it came to Alfie Solomons. It was a mutual thorn in his and Campbellâs respective sides. Difficult to prove his involvement in, at least thatâs what Alfieâs lawyer claimed on the last trial.
Criminal activity, on the other hand⊠Well, that one had been well-proven and Alfie went down for it for four long years. Would have gotten more, had it not been for Tommy Shelbyâs fancy lawyer and a favour that Alfie was still trying to forget ever happened.
But now he had a pretty good chance of these drug charges going away foreverâa new thorn in the Inspectorâs side, to be sure. Which was why you could say Alfie was a little on edge even without the taunting and the surprise visits.
âIâll have ya fuckinâ arrested, ya limpinâ old cunt!â were the exact words Alfie shouted as soon as he opened the door, the recipients of his threats being two little girls in witch costumes and their chaperoneâa pretty brunette, also in a matching witch costume.
Which was when Alfieâs tired brain connected the dots. Children. Trick-or-treating. Halloween.Â
âYeah, fuck, Iâm⊠Iâm so sorry, listen,â he muttered, rubbing his hand across his face and trying to at least make up a good reason for the outburst.Â
He had none.
âNo!â the woman exclaimed, though she wasnât angry; embarrassed, maybe. But surprisingly not angry. âWeâre⊠sorry. Weâre gonna go. Come on, girls.â She put her arms around the girls protectively, though Alfie doubted the little shits needed any.Â
They looked up at him with two identical grins, both no doubt thoroughly amused at his swearing.
âWait, no, wait⊠Fuckâs sake, thatâs⊠Iâm sorry, I thought you were someone else, yeah, Iâve been through some rough patch lately, you could say, thatâsâŠâ As he rambled, Alfie retreated inside the house only to emerge with a random assembly of things that in no way could ever be considered suitable for Halloween treats.
Therefore, in both girls' baskets landed, in that order, two decorative Granny Smith apples made of recycled glass, a pack of watch batteries, Marlboro lights (slightly opened), and a small bag of dog treats.Â
All three uninvited guests were looking at him now like one would at an utter lunatic, though the youngest of the three was simultaneously completely taken by the strangeness of the man before her.
âThank you⊠so much,â the woman stuttered then, unable to say anything else. âGirls, please thank the nice man,â she added unconvincingly.
Both girls exclaimed excited âthank youâsâ, obviously having been treated enough for one eveningâboth by the ensemble of creative swear words and the cigarettes they would no doubt trade for something awesome at school.
âYeah, listen, I am sorry,â Alfie said once more, feeling uncharacteristically self-conscious. âNo local kids come âere for Halloween, alright, and thereâs a good reason for it, I supposeâŠâ
âYeah, and whatâs that?â one of the girls, the smaller, immediately wanted to know.
The older was still eyeing the dog treats, but as she saw no dog, she tried to look into the weird manâs house. She expected it to be even weirder on the inside.
âLydia, thatâs enough,â the woman chastised the curious one, rubbing her own cheek in a nervous tick and smearing the dark painted freckles. âThank youââ
âAye, âcause itâs haunted, innit?â Alfie chose to entertain the question, and entirely seriously, too.Â
As soon as he said it, the younger girl gasped and grabbed the older one by the hand.
âYeah, right,â the older one said, suddenly defiant enough to disobey her⊠mother? Was it their mother? Alfie wonderedâŠÂ
In any case, the older girl entirely ignored the silent plea the woman had given her and instead, she stepped a little closer towards Alfie.Â
âWhoâs the ghost?â the older girl asked, in that sort of demanding tone only children on the verge of becoming teenagers could muster.
âI am,â Alfie murmured in a raspy voice, again completely serious.Â
The girl took a step back and the younger one shrieked. The unexpected noise managed to finally wake up Alfieâs otherwise retired Bullmastiff, and as the giant hound tilted his massive head back and howled for no reason at all, all three unexpected visitors shrieked together.
All of them at once fled Alfieâs porch, their final goodbye being the manâs raspy laughter that followed them all the way down to the beach.
The devil came to Margate. Alfie was pretty much convinced that was how everyone else referred to his recent arrival to the coast. Actually, to be clear, the devil never really left. He just rented out his property, in which he now so shamelessly hid from the rest of the world.
No, not his house, that one was always cluttered and too personal for renting. You see, Alfie had many properties scattered around London and the coastâwhich was why he supposed the tax people had so much trouble tracking down his actual income.
One of those properties was a cosy shop just on the corner behind the main street. Alfie rented it to a tiny old lady who turned it into a used bookstoreânothing less in demand in Margate, to be sure.
Profits were minimal, but Alfie was prepared to forgive the rent from time to time for two reasonsâhe loved hanging around the place, and also his tennant was positively vicious.Â
Alfie was positively enamoured with the evil old thing. He often remarked they would have been married in another life (at which he either received a scowl or a slap across the head).
(She really reminded him of his grandmother sometimes.)
Mrs. OâBrien was Irish in the strictest sense of the word. She despised the English and everything about them, as she often remarked to Alfie. She often let him know, too, that his only redeeming quality was him being Jewish, at which he only laughed because he really didnât know what to say to that.Â
(The strong association with his evil bat of a grandmother continued.)
To be perfectly honest, he often said to her to go the fuck back upstairs if she so hated Margate, but then she always dropped the subject (or a book or a cup or whatever else she might have been holding while losing the argument). Sometimes Alfie liked to think she was a wanted woman in Ireland, which really would explain so much about her.
Mrs. OâBrien, he strongly suspected, was either widowed by choice or never married at all. The choice in the matter could have clearly been murder, as one time while going through the mess at the backroom and searching for the invoices past due, Alfie found a gun in one of the drawers. It was an old one, a Beretta Laramie as he later learned through Google. The name, while rather romantic, made Alfie think his unusual friendship with the woman might not have been as odd as he used to think.Â
Safe to say, Mrs. OâBrien was no sitting duck. The next time Alfie looked through the drawer, the gun had been removed.
That particularly rainy October afternoon, Alfie came to the bookstore with a clear goal to bother Mrs. OâBrien. He told himself it was to collect rent, but truth be told, he needed a distraction. After that lousy Halloween evening, his thoughts were still riddled with annoyance at strange children and nosy inspectors.Â
âAight, luv, how ya doinâ you beautiful thing?!â Alfie hollered as soon as he came through the door, knowing full-well that the cure for his annoyance was usually to annoy someone back.
As expected, Mrs. OâBrien scowled at him from behind the counter, where she sat on the high chair and read Chaucer. Intimidating as she was through her choice of words, the old witch was only five feet tall.Â
âWhat do ya want?â she barked, begrudgingly accepting Alfie leaning in and kissing her cheek.Â
âGot somethinâ for my favourite gal, donât I?â he replied and produced a small box from the bakery across the street.Â
He would have been a fool to have come empty-handed.
Mrs. OâBrien put down her book and pretended to still hate him, but as she inspected the contents of the box, her eyes shined.
âWell then,â she agreed begrudgingly at her own landlordâs presence in his own establishment before she bit down on the French lemon tartlet.Â
Continuing not being a fool, Alfie got her the one with caramelised sugar on top.
With the dragon subdued for a good minute, Alfie went around the shop and got lost in the old books. With his tennantâs general unfriendliness and the particularly dark ambience, the bookstore was pretty much always quiet. Thatâs what Alfie was counting on, but like always, life decided to serve him with a big, fat disappointment.
The bell above the door rang and both Alfie and Mrs. OâBrien looked towards it with equal measures of surprise. In from the rain came two girls, both wearing identical yellow macs that dripped water everywhere they stepped.
âOi!â Mrs. OâBrien put down the cake and wiped her mouth, all in one swift motion to race to the door and stop the children from doing any further damage to the layer of dust in the bookstore; so carefully accumulated over the years.
âWhere ya both tâink yer headinâ?!â she shouted. âNow! Look at dat! Thatâs water everywhere!
Alfie still stood by the tallest bookcase and held a book opened before him, pretending to read and not spy on the situation.
âExcuse us,â the taller of the girls said and took off her hood. âOur aunt is just across the street. She told us to wait inside if we could.â
âYes,â the smaller one interjected. âIn case there are any perverts out.â
âThatâs not what she said!â the older chastised her sister in a hushed voice.
âOh, look!â The smaller one ignored her completely and pointed to Alfie, who immediately closed the book and tried to dive into the dark passageway in between the bookshelves.
Another conversation with the little shits was the last thing he wanted.
âHeâs here!â the girl announced for the world to see. âI told you heâs not a ghost.â
âNo, I told you that,â the older one sighed.Â
To Alfieâs dismay, Mrs. OâBrien said nothing to that, for as much as she was an unfriendly old thing, she also never passed on the opportunity to be a nuisance to him.
âMaggie, can we stay? Iâm cold,â the younger girl complained.
âOh, fine!â Mrs. OâBrien then exclaimed, as if the decision was hers to make anyway. âJust donât you two touch anythinâ! These books are very old, ya know.â
âHow old?â the younger one wanted to know.
âVery. Now, ya can hang the coats âere, just donât make a mess of it.â
Alfie heard the girls do as they were asked and he observed from behind the bookshelves as they walked around, both equally curious about the strange place they found themselves in. And strange it was indeed, starting from the old ceiling lamps that gave very little light altogether, finishing on the stuffed vulture placed on the bookshelf right behind the cash register counter.
The vulture, Alfie often thought, must have been a relative of his tennantâs, as both in their nature brightened up only at the perspective of a meal.
When he finally emerged from behind the shelves, both girls were still looking around with eyes wide open. Nothing in the shop, however, seemed more fascinating than the strange man they met last night.
âWeâve decided to stay,â the younger girl informed him.
âHm,â Alfie hummed and scratched his beard. âRight, I can see that.â
âYouâre not a pervert, are you?â she asked.
âAfraid not, no,â he smirked.
âLydia!â The older girl smacked her on the shoulder.
âOw!â Lydia, undeterred, smacked her sister right back. âWhat?!â
âStop saying âpervertâ to people!â
Alfie cleared his throat then and both girls looked at him, now a little less sure of themselves. Mrs. OâBrien ignored them all and continued to munch on her tartlet.
âSo,â Alfie said then to break up their quarrel, âMaggie,â he pointed to the older one who nodded, âand Lydia.â The smaller one nodded as well. âRight, well, Iâm Alfie. This here is my shop. You two can stay as long as you like, âcause the way I figure I probably owe ya for last night.â
The girls looked at him with suspicion and Alfie returned the sentiment, for personally he had no idea how to manage small children.
âRight, you want some coffee?â he asked Maggie.
âIâm twelve,â she huffed.
âSure, yeah,â Alfie hummed, then turned to Lydia with raised eyebrows. She nodded eagerly at the offer, obviously excited to be included in something adult.
âJesus Christ,â Maggie sighed, âsheâs seven! You canât give her coffee.â
âYeah, why not?â
ââCause she wonât grow!â
Alfie squinted at her and finally shrugged, accepting that as fact.
âSuit yourselves.â
But before he could go to the back to put the kettle on, the bell above the door sounded again. In came the woman from last night and Alfie froze a little, suddenly not so sure what to do with himself.
âGood lord, we havenât âad a crowd like that since the whale!â Mrs. OâBrien exclaimed and rushed to help the woman with her grocery bagânot because she especially cared, but because her red mac spread rainwater everywhere much like the girlsâ had before.
âWhat whale?â Lydia immediately wanted to know.
âOh,â her aunt noticed Alfie then and he caught her attention immediately. âItâs you.â
Alfie cleared his throat, unable to settle on the response.
âWhat whale!â Lydia exclaimed and Mrs. OâBrien shot her a disapproving look.
âWell, all right little missy! Calm down,â she said. âIn 1973, a whale washed ashore. It was quite the event, Iâll have ya know.â
âYou werenât even here in 1973,â Alfie scoffed.
âAye, anâ ya werenât even a twinkle in yer fatherâs eye, so what? I know things!â Mrs. OâBrien waved her hand dismissively and the girls giggled.
âWell, IâŠâ the woman looked around, appropriately confused by this all. âIâm so sorry if we have disturbed youââ
âItâs his bookstore,â Maggie informed her sharply and pointed at Alfie. âHe said we could wait out the rain.â
âAye, then yeâd be waitinâ all night, itâs always like this in October,â Mrs. OâBrien complained and earned herself a sharp look from Alfie, one which she thoroughly ignored.
âI was just about to make coffee,â Alfie pointed to the back room.Â
âNo, we donât want to impose,â the woman replied, but when she turned around, the girls were already goneâhiding behind the tall bookshelves and giggling about something.Â
âSeems you ainât got a choice,â Alfie smirked.
âIf theyâre bothering youâŠâ
âNaah, thatâs no bother. Now come on, I was a proper arse last night, right, the least I owe ya is a cup of coffee.â
The woman nodded and hung her coat, visibly relieved she didnât have to go out into the cold October rainstorm just yet.
Since that was settled, Alfie went to make the coffees.
âSooner or later ya gonna have to tell me what the hell happened last night, eh?â Mrs. OâBrien muttered to Alfie as he put the kettle on.
âHmm.â
âDontcha âhmmâ at me lad, Iâm old enough to be yer grandmother!â
âNaah, donât say that now, my grandmother was a lovely woman.â
Mrs. OâBrien scoffed and busied herself with finding some clean cups.
âNothinâ happened, right,â Alfie grumbled, âjust a misunderstanding.â
âAye, that misunderstanding seems to like the looks of ya.â
Alfie looked behind his shoulder and his eyes met the auntâs. It seemed like she was watching him from afar and now she turned around abruptly, cheeks slightly pink with embarrassment.
âShut up.â Alfie turned around too and Mrs. OâBrien cackled like an old bog witch.
Alfie finally approached the aunt with two cups in his hands, leaving his insufferable tennant to figure out her own drink. But the suggestion she made stayed at the back of his head, now clouding his judgement entirely.Â
Five seconds ago he couldnât care less about the woman and now all he could notice was how her hair curled from the rain and how good she looked browsing these musty old books, mouthing the titles from their spines.
âOh! Thank you,â she smiled at him brightly when Alfie handed her the cup.
âYeah, I didnât know how ya like itâŠâ
âBlack.â
âWell, thatâs good then, âcause we donât have milk anyway.â
She laughed and, despite his better judgement, Alfie felt a little proud.
âIf ya like bad coffee anâ half-decent books, you should come more often!â Mrs. OâBrien then shouted from behind the cash register, at which Alfie turned around to glare at her.
The girlsâ aunt laughed again, still a little nervous. Alfie turned to her, suddenly emboldened by the rain and by the girls happily running around the shop, making the place more alive than it had been for years.
âYeah, but I think so too,â he said, voice lower so that Mrs. OâBrien couldnât overhearânot for the lack of trying on her part, to be sure.
âWhat?â the aunt asked, a little incredulous.
âYou should come by more often,â he explained.Â
Either there was something in that coffee or he was going crazy, but he could swear her eyes sparkled.
âIs that so?â she asked, now obviously teasing him a little.Â
âYeah.â
âYou donât mind the noise?â
âNah.â
âWe could come by tomorrow, I suppose,â she mused.Â
âCome,â he assured her. âAs often as youâd like.â
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