#even me just saying this... i feel like ive become less of a person somehow like

[loser-jpg]

HIHI OK SO LOSER. HERE ME OUT PLS. GIGGLES!!!

IF REQUESTS ARE OPEN WOULD YOU MIND. SPINNING A LIL ENEMIES TO LOVERS/FRIENDS DIDDY FOR IDIA SHROUD AND A GN READER. I WILL KISS THE GROUND YOU WALK ON I SWEAR THIS IDEA HASNT LEFT ME ALONE SINCE I STARTED LIKING HIM. ITS OK IF NOT THOUGH OBVI!! MAKE SURE U TAKE UR TIME BESTIE AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF <333

this is the silliest reader ive ever written

The most annoying thing about attending a prestigious academy is without a doubt, pride. The deadly sin curses every individual at NRC, all of them having been told that they are destined for greatness, fate being on their side.

This obviously leads to some of the most egotistical bastards this side of the Shaftlands being cooped up all together in the same space. Also at the age where the dumbest decisions of maintaining self confidence are made.

To you, one of the many young adults cursed with being a general annoyance was Idia Shroud. You also happened to be sat right next to him.

Funnily enough Ortho was able to convince his older brother to begin attending his classes in person, a thoughtful gesture to his brother, but not to you!

Now you had to spend every day face to face with one of the most bothersome people at the school. You made your annoyance of him very clear, too. He was an anti-social shut in who somehow still thought himself better than everyone else despite being so pathetic he couldn't speak to someone face to face. How in the world was he supposed to be a talented mage?!

The most annoying part of it all was ever since he had started going out of his comfort zone he had also seemingly started to become slightly less of an ass. It was unfair. People aren't allowed to just change out of nowhere when you hate them, you're supposed to hate them!

It didn't matter anyway, Idia Shroud hated you so you were allowed to hate him, even if you suddenly started to see that he was a troubled man, untrusting because the world had wronged him before. It didn't matter if he was simply confident because of his talent that was truly better than others, he was rude anyway.

Idia Shroud hated you, so you hated hi-

"Um, hey?" A soft voice came from your left.

"Hm?" You were so caught up in your annoyance you hadn't noticed your surroundings at all. The rest of the class had already left. And Trein too for some reason? "Crap I was not paying attention for the end of the lecture."

You had said it to yourself, but the firey haired boy with his hood pulled over his head responded anyway. "Ah, I uh... I could share my notes with you...?"

What.

"...Uh, yeah sure, thanks. That'd...that'd be helpful."

You stood up from your chair, still dazed at the peculiar situation you found yourself in. Idia tapped on his tablet a bit before your phone pinged in your pocket, a notification of a shared document bright on the screen. Since when did Idia Shroud have your number? And since when did he help out others for no reason?!

You opened the document to skim through it quickly when something near the bottom caught your eye. A small footnote about a project. A group project. A group project without pre assigned partners.

Ah, that's it.

Once again you were proven right, Idia Shroud being his typical self. He didn't speak to anyone in the class so it's inevitable he had no one to do the project with, and was sharing his notes to try and guilt you into doing it with him by making you feel in his debt-

"The uh, the project at the bottom is groups of two. I think some of the people in the row who sit behind us don't have partners yet." Idia held his tablet close to him, glancing at the door.

"You already have a partner?" Impossible, he was probably just saying that to make you to be the one to ask to be in his group, to safe himself the embarrassment of having to ask.

"Yeah, Cater had already asked me to join his group. He said Trey had grouped up before he could ask him. Well, uhm, I have to go. Uh- you- you can message me if you have questions about the notes!" Idia ran out the door before you could say anything.

...

WHAT.

Something about that made your blood boil. It wasn't jealousy though, it couldn't be. No, no it was disrespect! He said that to be condescending, to brag! To shove it in your face that even a shut in like him could join a group before you. That was his plan all along! To share his notes to get you to ask about the project just to laugh at you for trying to ask to join his group. Well the joke was on him, you'd never be his partner, group project or otherwise!

---

You weren't able to join a group. Stupid Idia Shroud neglected to tell you that those 'people in the row who sit behind us who have partners' joined up outside of class time. And then he had the gall to apologize about you not joining a group as if he hadn't totally 100% planned this.

Suffering was endless and you were ready to give up. That was until Cater Diamond came waltzing up to your row, passing by you to talk to Idia.

"Change of plans, sorry Idia, Trey's partner joined a different group so I'm gonna work with him now. Good luck on the project!"

"Huh?! Wha-?! Cater, wait-!" Idia stared in dumbfounded shock as Cater skipped away leaving both you and Idia groupless. Well at least Idia was just as pathetic as you now.

Idia turned toward you after a moment. "Uh, did you want to be group partners...? Since...since neither of us have anyone to work with?"

Not on your life, Shroud.

"Yeah, sure."

FU-

Truthfully this was the best situation with the cards you had been dealt, likely you could get him to do any of the work you didn't want to, and you'd get a good grade with him as your partner. Doesn't mean you liked the situation, but still.

"Ah, there's a relatively new cafe nearby we could work at? It- it could be better than working in any of the dorms. If you want." Idia shifted a bit, and you couldn't tell what his goal with this was. Was he planning to force you to pay or something? Suggesting leaving and going anywhere was very unlike him. Something had to be up.

---

Eventually the two of you did go to the cafe to work on your project, and when you insisted on not getting anything and just focusing on working Idia bought you a drink anyway.

"I said I didn't want anything?" You pushed the cup away an inch, the drink was colorful, fading from a deep blue at the top to a light pink at the bottom. You weren't sure what flavor it could be.

Idia drank out of his own cup, a bright red drink that looked fizzier than your own. He added something to your project on his tablet at the same time. "I know but I, uhm, I felt uncomfortable being the only one with a drink. You don't have to drink it, just keep it in front of you." Idia paused a moment before adding a rushed "please" at the end.

So you did. For maybe a minute before you couldn't help taking a sip. It was fruitier tasting than you expected, but not citrus or sour. You pulled the cup toward you to move the straw from the pink section to the blue, noticing that the darker color tasted more like some berry you couldn't pinpoint than the pink had. Overall it tasted good. So good, in fact, you drank almost half of it before you remembered you were supposed to be working.

You glanced up at Idia to see if he had noticed you absolutely chugging whatever drink it was he had gotten you, but either he was pretending he hadn't, or he was really into this project. You noticed only a small amount had been drank from Idia's cup.

You were about to say something until you decided that if Idia wanted to waste his own drink, and his own money, than so be it. And with that you stuck your head back down to finish up this project and finally be rid of having to converse with the shut in outside of class hours.

---

Sure enough your project raked in a well needed high grade, even going so far as to be personally complimented by Trein himself. You figured that'd be the end of having to talk to Idia Shroud but Seven forbid because the universe had other plans for you.

'Would you like to go see a movie'

That wasn't exactly the way he had said it, it was a lot more unconfident, and there were a few pauses halfway through, but in the end phrasing didn't matter because now you were walking down the street in the middle of a surprise spring heat spell returning from seeing a movie with your number one enemy ever. It was a good movie too which made you even more mad. Now you'd have to think of him every time you saw it which is not what you wanted to happen.

"I am about to pass out from this heat. I'm sitting down a moment." You quickly flopped down on the nearest bench, fanning yourself with your hand. "How in the world are you not burning up in that hood, Shroud?"

Idia shrugged, slowly stepping away from where you were sitting. "I'll get you a drink, wait here."

"Huh, wha?" Once again Idia had left you before you could argue. He had paid for you guys to go to the movie, refusing to accept you paying him back much to your annoyance. You didn't want to be any more in his debt than you already were. You looked down, attempting to form at least a small shadow over your face, at the price of your neck, when a cold cup lightly touched the side of your face.

You jumped a moment before realizing it was Idia, and took the cup with a small 'thank you'. Once you looked at the cup properly you recognized the blue and pink colors of the cold drink, which felt particularly nice in your hands. You hadn't realized the two of you were near that cafe again, much less that they made drinks to-go.

"You, uh, you seemed to like it last time so I figured it was better to get you something I knew you'd enjoy." Idia's fingers played with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, as he glanced in every direction except for you. You looked back down at the drink again, noticing a small resemblance between the light pink if the drink and a light pink dusting the ends of Idia's bright hair.

"Stop being nice, I'm supposed to hate you." You couldn't stop yourself before you blurted out words without thinking, but you quickly caught yourself just a moment too late, slapping a hand across your mouth in shock of your own harshness.

"Huh-! I- what!?" Idia looked just as confused and shocked as anyone would, which made you rethink if he ever actually disliked you as much as you had thought. He quickly shook off his surprised state and gave you probably the most sarcastic look you had seen from him in weeks. "If you hate me why did you agree to be here...?"

"Ah...I dunno." The both of you stared at each other, growing more confused by the second. You couldn't explain your strange decisions and thought process even to yourself, let alone another person.

Though through starring at his face, admitting your difficulty in keeping up your one sided rivalry, and being exposed to what you now could only see as genuine acts of generosity and kindness you were hit with a very quick, and very mind shattering realization.

You had feelings for Idia Shroud.

Romantic ones. You thought they were hatred but no, thinking now you found certain aspects of him so endearing it made you angry in cuteness aggression. This asshole actually had the capacity to be very nice and kind and helpful and it was so charming it made you want to smack your head into a wall from overstimulation of good feelings.

Wait-

You had just went to the movies with him, where he paid, and now he just got you a drink from a cafe the two of you had already went to together. Activities that required exiting Idia's comfort zone for extended periods of time.

You couldn't help yourself, you had to ask. "Is this a date?" You almost shouted the question at him upon considering the possibility, and you half believed Idia was about to run away with how loud and generally chaotic you were currently being in your extremely confused state.

"Huh!? A- a wha-!?" Idia was giving you the same look you were giving him now both of you more confused than ever. This was definitely quite the confrontation.

"A date! Is it!? I mean it feels like it!" You set your drink down on the bench to stand up. You hadn't even gotten to take a sip yet, but there were more pressing matters.

Idia stuttered a moment longer, before falling silent and seemingly considering your question. "Did, did you want it to be?"

Ah, a counter. You could play this game. "Did you? You're the one who asked me to go see a movie with you."

And a perfect follow up, from here there was no way for Idia to counter your counter of his counter of your attack. He would have to take the hit with at least 3 times the damage now.

And he definitely knew, his eyes squinted in slight annoyance as he considered his answer, finally admitting defeat with a sigh. "Uh," he looked away from you, "sort of? I mean. I'd like that, but...but I'm sure you wouldn't so it's fine, it's nothing."

You were hit with another wave of shock, despite prodding him with the question expecting this exact answer. You quickly responded before he could continue to convince himself you wouldn't return his feelings.

"I'd like it to be a date too!" You stepped forward, reaching to grab his hand before hesitating. He might have wanted to be on a date with you, but that didn't mean he'd be comfortable with you touching him.

"I- you- uh- I thought you hated me?"

"Did, past tense, also the possibility I didn't and was just angry because I liked you, the human mind is difficult to comprehend." You waved your hand as though you could physically wave away his doubts with more than just your roundabout answers to his very solid questions. Despite this you watched as he let out a small laugh, causing you to crack a grin yourself.

You picked up your drink, looking at the horizon as the sun started to set, painting the sky in pinks and oranges that made the street extremely pretty, and drew out the blue of Idias fiery hair, painted with more pink than earlier.

A silent invitation to continue heading back to campus, the two of you began to walk, before Idia hesitantly slipped his hand in your own, intertwining your fingers with his.

"Did- did you want to go on another date next week?" Idia couldn't keep a straight face, failing to hide an excited grin as he asked his question.

You responded with the most sure and prideful answer you had that day. "Yes, definitely."

[lfghughes]

Hey congrats on finishing your assignments!! Could you write something for Quinn that is kinda based on Arms by Christina Perri?

a/n: thank you! i'm a pretty bad procrastinator so there was plenty of reason to celebrate. thank you for requesting this too! i've been loving all these song requests ive been getting ngl

Relationships were not your strong point. A bad break up had really made it hard for you trust again and it wasn’t Quinns fault that you struggled with this which is why you felt bad that you couldn’t be the person he deserved. You two had started dating a few months back and you were definitely the one taking it slow in the relationship. He was patient though and he never rushed you into anything.

When he had told you he loved you last week though you panicked. You couldn’t say it back even though you knew that you did love him too. There were too many thoughts in your head and insecurities about how he could leave you but now you concern was also how you were damaged goods and you were going to accidentally bring him down with you.

Instead of talking it out with him and trying to explain it, you distanced yourself from him and it was clear to him that you were in the process of doing this. Your texts to him were becoming further apart and less enthusiastic every day. You shouldn’t have been surprised when he showed up at your front door tonight after the way you’ve been blowing him off. “Hey can we talk?” He asked, nodding his head towards your front stoop.

You sat down on the stoop and he sat next to you, your stomach already twisting from what you would hear. “Did I freak you out with the I love you stuff? Because it’s okay if you’re not there yet, I just…I know I’m there and I wanted you to know.” His words made you place your head in your hands, the tears immediately coming to your eyes and you didn’t want him to see you cry about this. “Hey, hey. I’m sorry.” He told you and it only made it worse because here he was apologizing for nothing.

His arm went around you as he pulled you into a hug, you could smell the cologne on him and the way his body wrapped around you made you feel safe. “I just think it would be better for you if you let me go, you deserve someone so much better.” You told him, your voice quiet as you pulled away slightly. He shook his head at you “I don’t want that. Like I said it’s okay if you’re not there yet. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you with saying it.”

“I’m not scared of you being in love, I’m scared that I’m in love with you too and that I’ll mess this up somehow.” His hand cupped your cheek, his thumb brushing away the tears that were still falling. “You won’t mess this up, I’m here for as long as you want me.” Those were the words you needed to hear and immediately your arms went around him, his own wrapping back around you. “I’ll always want you, you feel like home.”

[gible2k]

FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF CUTOUTS BY THE SMILE (ramble incoming):

just fucking incredible. after my first listen I can definitively say Bodies Laughing is one of the best The Smile songs, maybe even one of the best songs I've heard. it's just a gorgeous song, tha acoustic guitar just has something about it that gets me, it somehow sounds raw and real, yet has that echoing "wall of sound" aspect that i love about The Smile. hearing the chord change at the "but everybody's laughing" part for the first time hit me like a fucking truck it's so good.

rn another one of my favourites has to be Colours Fly, it's so groovy, and personally i love odd time signatures in music, it just adds a special feel I can't quite describe? it just makes the 1 of the beat really punchy and powerful to me??? the sort of arabic, indian classical sound (?) in the riff is SO GOOD. I really haven't heard much like it. also all the speaking in the background give it an even more off, almost eery feel, (also thoms little HEY! 2 minutes in makes me laugh when i hear it its great) this song just feels off in a good way, almost giving a similar impression to Climbing Up The Walls. I'm itching to see this song live specifically it's really special.

EYES AND MOUTH. the contrast of the really tinny, high guitar riff underpinned by some really beautiful, full, jazzy piano chords is just incredible. and thoms vocals are absolutely KILLER in this track, they just sound so packed with emotion that it's physically spilling out of him into the track, fucking mesmerising. his voice crack at around 2mins 30 just HITS ME IN MY SOUL. this track is getting looped to high hell, absolutely gorgeous.

another track that really spoke to me is Tiptoe, that beginning, dissonant soft piano is something special. again I really love the use of speaking in the background of some of these tracks, to me it makes it feels more raw, and in the moment? on my first listen the orchestra kicking in GOT ME. it really would feel right at home on A Moon Shaped Pool, those strings are so intensely beautiful that I cried my first listen. thoms vocals on this track again are superb, they're so soft in a way that feels like a lullaby to me. i haven't checked out the lyrics for any of these tracks, but from what I hear the line "all of you appeasers and enablers" has stuck in my head since I heard the track. honestly wish this was longer i could listen to those strings all day.

though I wont go into detail about the other tracks, this whole album is packed with quality. ironic is this albums title bc it's probably their best album so far and doesnt feel like the offcuts of Wall Of Eyes in the slightest. this might be another Kid A Amnesiac situation where one could become discredited bc its seen as just a "b-side comp", which I hope doesn't happen. this album is just incredible, rlly blew me out of the water, bc imo the singles released b4 the album were some of the weaker tracks, (apart from Bodies Laughing) (not saying any of these tracks are bad btw they're all fantastic). rlly this is some of the most quality ive ever seen in an album but i expect nothing less from Thom, Jonny and Tom. this is a rlly special record, though I will always hold Wall Of Eyes as my favourite of The Smile, that album is really my baby.

tldr: CUTOUTS WAS AN ABSOLUTE W, WERE RLLY WINNING WITH TWO FANTASTIC ALBUMS THIS YEAR CANT WAIT TO HAVE THIS LOOPED FOREVEEERRRRR

[tokyogruel]

For the ask game 1 and Shidou

1. favorite song lyrics?

throw down;

“Throw down” connecting you with me, To keep you alive, you are still living “Throw down” the invitation that I can’t take back,"

"After stabbing you with my words, the blood started to flow And slowly stained my white"

"Hey, you remember what it feels like?"

"Now slowly close your eye, put your regret on display Wish for being there for someone With the same expression no matter who comes I don’t feel scared because I don’t know"

“Throw down” emotions with no color"

also mouiiyo,, and how easy it was to make him say mohito instead

i dont have a lot to say about the kanji in this one, because i dont know most of them. ive also listened to throw down significantly less than triage

triage:

"This sick joke, I can’t take it any more, I surrender You don’t even know yet, and yet Killing, extracting, I still won’t see them again I need to be tagged as RED" (this one is my favorite because, the line is spoken as this: 赤を巻きつけてくれ　"aka (red) o maki tsukete kuRE-" with emphasis on Re, so it gives the impression that he is saying RED at the end of the sentence.

"If the voices crying out in pain, can be saved by me Allow it to be my charge and mission"

"So this is unpleasant, hurling slurs of “hostage game”

the kanji,,

he refers to himself with 俺 and it kind of pisses me tf off like shut up and use 私 before i kick your ass

"ほら必要さ　俺は必要だから"

必要 "hitsuyo" means "necessary" or "needed", its translated to "indispensable" in the song. i think its fun though, 心 is "kokoro" or heart. so it looks like shidou is cutting into the heart of a person, cause this: 要 looks like a person running, right? so fun

liar dance:

"Stolen? Just whatever do you mean?" Feigning ignorance today as well Having made a vow, to you and you alone Declaring this loveless love of mine in front of you"

"Committing myself to this performance, set lines and all Those memories we've desperately created and clung to,"

"This love that's grown so weak, Go ahead and drain the cup till there's nothing left For no matter where we go

There's no fixing this"

"Everyone and their brother is laughing at you Even I've become unable to see you as anything but a lie But somehow I still have these feelings for you"

"Turn me inside-out and I look just like you It's nice to meet you, "Crime" and Punishment"

"It's already twisted beyond recognition It's a bit scary. But the moon looks so beautiful, doesn't it?"

delusion tax:

"Looks like you’re thinking some pretty nice thoughts over there… Are you really satisfied with just that? Don’t you think it’d be nice for it all to come true?"

"Existing for your sake alone, mandatory affections and obligated kindness Though you should be satisfied, a voice from within shouts “NO!” We have an idiot on our hands, it seems…"

"None of it will come true if you don't pay the price Look, just up and borrow the "desired amount" Reality is a bitter-sweet pill to swallow Come now, let’s go beyond all this pain"

"That’s right, for all these dirty delusions, let’s settle the bill with this dirty money" (which is my favorite line of all of his songs, especially the kanji and how he sings it. "そう、汚い妄想は汚いお金で解決させましょう")

"That which you wish for, the person you think of, The past which you hate as well, they’ll all be as you like. The kind of face and chest you desire, they’ll be granted if you pay.

“It’s a promise”

"Turning wishes into reality Right now, buy back your future"

"僕が世界の中心なので"

some recurring kanji in his songs i enjoy also are "sekai" 世界 (world) "ai" 愛 (love) and "tsumi" and "batsu" (罪と罰) which are "crime" and "punishment" respectively, which ill get into more

i also really love how much he makes references to deco's 罪と罰/tsumi to batsu/crime and punishment

throw down:

triage:

liar dance:

this one is a very explicit reference teehee

and delusion tax is the only one that doesnt use 罪 or 罰

[steelycunt]

ridi im sorry i need to rant and i think youll get it 😭 like not to be a bitch but this fandom kinda going off the rails and annoying the shit out of me https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRbYASpf/ everybody in the comments unironically loving it,,, i mean wtvr ship who you want but its kinda getting delusional like ppl are just operating on thin air and pretty fancasts atp and i do Not understand or emotionally connect with any of it. at least w wolfstar theres so much material and foundation to explore but what is all the rest of this?? just hot celebrity fancasts and crack. to be fair part of me respects taking a terfs canon material and making everybody gay but the way it seems to be so oversaturating fics and the fandom that characters dont even feel like their original selves .. atp its all just surface level OCs

hello! yes! i'll be honest talking about things like this always make me a little nervous, and i feel obligated to preface anything i say with a disclaimer that none of it really matters, nothing i say matters, and you should do what you like, because--who cares. i am not an authority on--anything, frankly. my opinion holds no more weight than the next guy's, and all i'm doing here is giving it, so. essentially what im saying is--people are perfectly entitled to disagree with me, but people are not entitled to be mean to me about it xx

having said that. it is my personal opinion that s x barty is one of the worst fucking things i have ever heard lol. who even is barty who is that guy. why would s be interested in him at all. i do not understand it it does not make sense to me. from where are we sourcing the character traits and personality that we are giving barty that would ever endear sirius to him, because it objectively cannot be canon.

overall i do not get the new interest in barty + evan + pandora (+ regulus, but we won't go there)...at all, other than guessing that people were bored with the marauders and wanted a new version of them (and new celebrities to fancast) while simultaneously changing next to nothing about them other than superimposing them onto the first slytherin side characters they could rustle up. i expect ive become a bit of a broken record in regards to my dislike of the popular meow-meow-ification + complete absolution of regulus as a character in order to make him a loveable oc (just as i think erasing all the negative traits that r/s have in order to make them more likeable is just as boring), and all of that applies to those other guys as well (with the slight difference that they are, somehow, even less interesting and significant than regulus in canon), so i won't get into that too much. but i think what you say about having no emotional connection to any of it is exactly right lol--it is a sort of shift? i guess? in the fandom that is simply of no interest to me. they are characters that i just have no emotional investment in and admittedly struggle a little to understand why other people do. i am emotionally invested in, like, five characters overall (and even out of those--there's only two i'm really here for innit xx) and i personally cannot extend that investment to a creepy little side character who is mentioned maybe twice in the entire series.

and that is okay! i do not need to understand it. i don't want to say it annoys me because honestly--i don't go there, its nothing to do with me. if i dont like it i just wont interact with it, and the fact that it doesn't interest me has no bearing on what other people are into or want to do, and i couldn't give less of a shit what people do with the canon material, which is largely garbage anyway. take the bits you want from it, play around with those and ignore the rest. in that respect we are all doing exactly the same thing. but yeah i think s x barty is genuinely awful lol. hate it. very terrible. he's already got a loser werewolf boyfriend and he loves him so so much. leave him alone.

[elftwink]

so this is from someone who also actively plays in and dms campaigns with other systems but personally i love dnd partly because i like the number of arcane rules. i think part of what it is, is my table experiences have been so combat-lite that for me the system has just become tools for solving puzzles and situations. encounters are so few and far between with my usual dm that they become very intense and scary when they do happen, and you can maybe say well that's dnd guy cope to say that this combat sim is better without the combat, and that probably is true. the best version of dnd for me like if i were writing 6e would be to shift the game's mechanical focus away from combat, increase the prominence of utility/ roleplay oriented spells and skills, and encourage DMs not to rely on combat to fill space in the game

yes!! ik im being a hater in my posts rn but i also love dnd, and especially the magic and spell system. it's not perfect obviously, but i have yet to find a ttrpg whose magic system is as engaging to me personally as dnd is. idk it's like exactly the right amount of rules to feel very bound by them while still leaving wiggle room for creative magic choices (either by way of flavour which is whatever you make of it, or by way of doing something that is Technically covered by the spell but probably not intended, which almost always fucks extremely hard).

& also i agree that dnd is kind of too combat focused, and i actually do think it would be better with less (although i suspect that given theres a pretty large contingent of dnd players who play mostly or solely combat, i dont think this is a universal opinion lol), or at the very least if it didn't feel like it dominated the meta decisions you have to make. like when i take new spells i often have to deliberate between the cool utility spell i actually want to take that has no damage component, and the damage based spell that will keep me viable in combat. i wish often these choices were less at odds with each other, or at least if you had a character who needed to be carried through combat that they would have more utility in non-combat scenarios instead of just kind of feeling like dead weight (now i sound like someone who should try another system, lol. but its more varied spells in the existing dnd system that i want!)

also i kind of think dnd has a problem esp at the mid level with keeping combat high stakes and genuinely scary, which is a whole other post where i could ramble lol, but honestly in terms of per table solutions "do combat a lot less" sounds like actually an extremely good way to deal with it. the worst thing in dnd is when combat starts to feel repetitive and like a slog. if it happens rarely it just so so so much easier to avoid that. i could say much more about this but ive already been typing this ask for a gazillion years but the point is i'm stealing your dms tactics for next time i run a game

also to contextualize my baseless haterism posts, i just want to clarify that i don't care in any way if someone plays only 5e/dnd and refuses to play other systems. this is whatever. what annoys me is when such people insist this is because every other game on earth is worse than dnd at everything, somehow, even though they do not know the full rules of dnd and are not super interested in learning. there's a lot to be found there in dnd but you have to like, engage with it. your dm cant read it for you. & its always more fun to be at a table where everyone knows wtf is going on than with players who barely know enough to scrape by and treat the DM like a rules dispensing machine

anyway. your 6e ideas sound awesome, especially more utility spells pleaseeee wotc. life could be so beautiful

[quinnonimp]

i cant stop thinking abt this so i have to take it to tumblr, but GODDDDDDDD this is SUCH a ctntduo song in the perspective of cquackity im collapsing to the ground and exploding into a million pieces

ive been a fan of this song for a very long time, but for some reason never realized how much of a ctntduo (well, mostly cquackity) song it is. i rly rly would love to write down ALLLL my thoughts on this bc im unreasonably brainrotting rn - but FUCK am i terrible at analysis, so ill just give some simple 1k word food for thought. feel very welcome to add on any more interpretations

these lyrics kinda speak for themselves i mean cmon

Catch my breath and hold it for me I'm wasting my time, trying to make up my mind

im not rly sure how to interpret the first line other than a kiss (especially shotgunning, with the mention of the cigarette later on n just general "catching my breath")? and im so sorry

but, if we are to commit to the kiss narrative; the second line would be cq trying to figure out as to whether hes in love with cwil, "wasting [his] time, trying to make up [his] mind". he sees this as a waste of time not only because it frustrates him and its smth so difficult to figure out compared to how miniscule it seems, but he knows cwilbur will just leave him eventually anyway, so why is he thinking so much about it?

also the "and hold it for me" line could be accentuated by cq wanting cwil to hold onto smth of his (in this case his breath ig lmao). coincidentally tying into his desperation for legacy - but in a much more personal and intimate way

I'm sitting here as the chandelier is whispering in my ear Saying, can I get a cigarette? No you'll never be mine

idunno how to interpret cwilbur as a chandelier (if i saw him as the sun of their dynamic then that would def be smth, but that title belongs to cq). if thought of broadly, could be cq viewing him as smth of value? his light? a holder of many candles? just a pretty object? fuck knows

but, nonetheless; the "chandelier" is cwilbur, whispering into cquackitys ear, either literally whispering into his ear, or just cwil trying to persuade him. could be some sort of silly mind game where he'll ask if he can get a cigarette, in his little cwilbur way, and somehow get smth out of it. like, he'll ask, and wether he does or doesnt get the cigarette, thatll insinuate smth. the "im sitting here" is just cq sitting in his office as cwilbur annoys him btw lol

cq then declines. he tells himself cwilbur will never be his, so he shouldnt try, its not worth it. (the line could be interpreted as a way of saying "we'll never be in such a peaceful setting where you can ask smth from me so casually", idunno)

and if we're going into the shotgunning side of things; cwilbur could be asking for a cigarette to do the same thing quackity did to him - resulting in the "no youll never be mine" as cquackitys (mental or vocal) response. like, "no, your breath will never be my possesion (mine)". AND AND if we're stretching this further; the "no youll never be mine" could mean cquackity not wanting to hold onto smth of cwilburs, not wanting to commit to a thing he knows will fall apart (or, also, evaporate haha). this can be seen competitively aswell

Can you come around tonight? And sing me a lullaby

even if cquackity tells cwil to get out of his country, and keeps pushing him away, he doesnt actually mean it. he wants cwil to come and he likes their competition, their dynamic, the attention, and he realizes hes lonely without it

the lullaby could either mean cq wanting cwil to sing him a song like at nikis bday party, or just wanting comfort from his rival. he could be yearning for their relationship to become softer, more vulnerable, less hateful, something so sweet as a lullaby, even if he knows its impossible

Just take my heart and break it Can you come around tonight?

cq again thinking falling in love is worthless, or wanting cwilbur to just get it over with and break his heart already so they dont have to keep the painful momentum lingering on. maybe give cq a final reason to truly hate this man

yet even when cquackity wants cwilbur to get it over with, his yearning persists, and he again just wants cwilbur to keep coming, keep pursuing him

its also a juxtaposition to the softness from the pair of lines above these, where cq knows he cant have the lullaby, so might aswell go for what he knows is possible - something harsh. what hes used to

I might be the enemy But nothing quite hits like you (No)

cq acknowledging their rivalry, understanding if cwilbur wouldnt wanna come over or stay with him .

but he also acknowledges the way "nothing quite hits like [cwilbur]", in the metaphorical sense of a drug. hes addicted to their rivalry, aswell as cwilbur as a person. if we wanna stretch this further, it can also funnily coincide with wilburs drug van beginnings, now cwilbur being the drug

the "(no)" in the end could be cq telling himself to stop feeling like this, stop wasting time on his rival, when hes got other things to do. to stop thinking of cwilbur as smth he cant let go of

SOOOOO FUCKING POGTOPIA ERA CORE WAAAAAAA

Take this pen and write for me Oh write me a song and I'll try to forget it

these first 2 lines can be interpreted as nikis bday party, singing and writing (parody) songs to each other. iirc cquackity would ask cwilbur for songs, but dont take my word for that lmao. also a thing to note is cq offering smth to cwilbur (a pen), to get smth in return (a song)

i have some thoughts on the "ill try to forget it" but no clue how to write them down tbh. sorry

Oh I'm standing there, as the man upstairs Comes crashing through the ceiling Saying where's my fucking cigarette? With fire in his eyes

the "man upstairs" is obv cschlatt, "crashing through the ceiling", "fire in his eyes" as hes being harsh and demanding, cq just standing there having to take it. "man upstairs" can be either interpreted as god (which we wont be interpreting as but might aswell mention lmao), or someone in power - which obviously cschlatt is. holding both legal and emotional power over cquackity

this could be either pre-nikis bday party (white house incident), post (the contract signing thing), or just cquackitys time with cschlatt in general

the bitterness of schlatt demanding "wheres my fucking cigarette?", which has him expecting cquackity to give him something, give him what he wants, because he knows he'll get it as cq has no other option - can be juxtaposed by the more gentle whispering request of "can i get a cigarette?" by cwilbur from earlier in the song, where depending on the tone theres a possibility itll have strings attached and be a manipulative tactic, or just be a simple casual request from a friend. if we're going for the softer route; then cwilbur doesnt know whether he'll get what he wants from cq, so he doesnt demand it. he just asks, takes his chance

Can you come around tonight And sing me a lullaby Just take my heart and break it When you come around tonight? I might be the enemy But nothing quite hits like you

my interpretations r the same, but this time, with the "when you come around tonight", he knows cwilbur is coming. its their routine. plus cq no longer has the "(no)" at the ending line, as hes accepted his feelings now

though what could accentuate that difference further is with the last set of lines

But as all my patience Starts to dry And my feet leave skids across the sand Then I'll know that you've won

cq could be growing impatient with cwilburs incompetence, or smth to do with him growing impatient at how theyre afraid of seeing each other after what happened in ho16. theres 100% potential for a better interpretation though

then we have the sands of las nevadas being skid ofc. this could be interpreted as cquackity kicking the sand in frustration at the prospect of wilbur winning or cq losing (haha) his patience. OR with the more proper definition of skidding; cq frantically searching for cwil as hes left for utah, leaving "skids across the sand" (<- and if we're going with this narrative; the "but as my patience starts to dry" applies to him searching for cwil but losing his patience, or losing his patience at how theyre afraid of seeing each other so he takes the first initiative, but not finding him)

he realizes their competition has ended, and while it doesnt particularly fit their characters to have any of them win - in cquackitys perspective it could either be cwil winning as hes gotten a happy ending, or having yet another person in his life leave him in the dust (or, well, sand)

And I'll run Back to where I came from

i actually dont rly know what to interpret this as if im gonna be honest

i guess at face value with the "cq searching for cwil" narrative, him going back to las nevadas, or more specifically his office, sitting down in defeat (also another possible case of cwilbur "winning", cq not being able to find him). could aswell be cq going to the lmanberg crater? if we're taking the "back to where i came from" more seriously. even though cq didnt come from lmanberg, i guess its the closest thing to where he came from in the dsmp in this sense, and ties more into cwilbur

"though what could accentuate that difference further is with the last set of lines"

now going to what i said a little earlier, what i mean by it is what makes cquackitys newfound acceptance more emotional is the way its immediately followed by cwilbur leaving him, his heart being taken and broken just as he asked, but not how he wanted. which makes the word "skid" a lot more potent, as hes frantic in his search for the man hed finally accepted his love for

------

and yknow whats the most fucked up if u havent actually listened to the song yet?? the slot machine noises in the bg. please this is such a cquackity song

also, as im almost done writing all this, i realize the genius page has a few parts of the lyrics wrong that were different in the official spotify lyrics thingy (like the "(no)" from the second set of lines just being an "oh", and the "no youll never be mine" actually being "i know youll never be mine" lmfao) - but i dont think they make much of a difference anyway, so who cares, this is abt psycho-competitive minecraft boys

ok. im done now. if u read it all then i may offer u a kiss. goodbye

[idealspawn]

throughout my journey on growing as a person somehow the only thing i still havent managed to resolve or find the deepest true cause for is my insecurity regarding my intelligence. every single evidence from outside authorities is screaming in praise and approval of my level of knowledge yet i am filled with such anxiety. i dont know how to not let my high standards lower my self-confidence. i think its good that i do have high standards too in a way but not the anxious perfectionism that comes with it. ive thought maybe im unsure about my competence because i feel like i dont belong. in university since ive had an unconventional route, i sort of lack like a group of coursemates (ive changed universities and now im in like an exchange programme so i havent had and dont have the same curriculum as anyone). so i dont know what i should know and what i shouldnt. like what prior knowledge others have. i dont know where i place in the context. i dont know what is stupid to bring up and what isnt. google also told me that maybe its like the dunning-kruger effect where the more you know the more you become painfully aware of how little you know. i guess thats true. i also in general am like programmed to seek for irregularities (i study philosophy and have a background of doing a lot of things requiring close analysis and pattern recognition) so maybe thats why i only see whats wrong in my work or opinions even if that actually forms a small portion regarding the whole. usually my professors dont even pick up on those things i think are massive logical fallacies and am afraid will fail. i literally only get praise and they are so so so credible too, its not that i get approval from people who dont know any better. i dont know. i have all these explanations in my head but not one of those hits the nail on the head. ive gathered that what relieves my anxiety regarding.. well anything.. is just acknowledgeing it. like cracking the code as to whats the underlying deeper cause that projects itself in this belief, insecurity. but i cant seem to ever get it. i wonder is this too small of a problem to go to a psychologist. right now its not too bad but i actually get like weird intense uncontrollable nervous anxiety twitches and breakdowns from the pure thought of how little i know and what others think of me. im most afraid that they think that i think im smart when in reality im so painfully aware that im speaking on matters i feel i dont have proper knowledge of (yet i must because its an assignment). though i think its pretty apparent that im insecure, at least during presentations or speaking in seminars because of the way i speak (hesitantly). i know that to wait until i truly know sth before i speak is a lost cause. you cant ever fully know anything. and its like. so what if im wrong. nothing happens if im wrong but im so terrified of it. i guess ive tied my intelligence to my identity quite a bit but i dont know if that is it either. i guess you could say i should care less abt what other ppl think but in other areas im so confident and sure of myself i dont know why this is manifest only here. i know im actually quite capable at least compared to some people and there are periods where i do get my feedback on an essay or task and i feel really sure of myself but its a very very small slice of the time. i know comparison isnt proper but its also so necessary and inevitable in my field of study, i cant seem to avoid it. ive genuinely resorted to paying a lot of attention to my looks and makeup that makes me look cute and kind in order to hopefully cause the halo effect that when im silent or say something stupid i get the benefit of the doubt.......... its stupid. but im that afraid :/ of coming across narrow-minded.

[skyartworkzzz]

@auravs YO IDK WTF IS UP WITH TUMBLR BUT IT SOMEHOW DELETED UR ASK SO IM PINGING U TO ANSWER,,,

Heres my replies Ive tried more than 3456789 times sending, hope it didnt spam or smtng and the site was actually trolling me 😭:

OKAY SHIT FIRST OFF THANK U SO MUCH!! Rlly appreciate ur support,,! 😭💜

NOW, My Personal guide for begginer artists:

1. Try to copy arts u find online or even from medias u enjoy! (comics, cartoons and etc)

On each drawing u copy u will notice u have learned smtng new! So from there, try to draw an image by urself without any reference, and once u have an idea of how the artstyle u want works Personally, Id copy many anime images with similar art styles to then try and make pieces of my own!

NOW ITS IMPORTANT TO NOTE: it is not wrong to redraw images for PERSONAL and LEARNING purposes. What Would be wrong of u is to post it around claiming that You were the original creator of the image and not crediting the original one/the artist responsible for it

So as long as u aint stealing anyone's work, ure fine!

2. Use guidelines and shapes when drawing!

They are very important when beggining to understand anatomy! Ofc u dont have to draw All the lines detailed-ish, but at least to an extent in which u can see what is going on

So les say for example u want to draw a human body: u will have to understand that the top of the head is a circle, that the neck has a cone-ish shape, that the chest follows the form of a ribcage and so on It may vary from artist to artist, but if ure struggling to draw smtng specific, try seeing a shape on it to then make ur job easier! The body has to become a literal puzzle to ur eyes

However, I will advise u to plz not let these limit u. Indeed, as a begginer u have to learn how normal anatomy works, but its totally fine to change that depending on what artstyle u choose!

3. CONSISTENCY IS A SCAM!!!!

DO NOT WORRY IF UR ART DOESNT LOOK AS RECOGNIZABLE ON EVERY PIECE, I myself have only learned this recently and seen many other artists getting unmotivated cuz of this, but consistency truly does not exist. Whatever u do with ur art is nothing but ur RANGE. Its all the knowledge u have on it which makes u produce many pieces in different styles, and that is awesome!!

As an artist, u will always be learning smtng new, and what u learn cannot be un….learned (if that word exists IUSDNJKADLS) so its bound to show in ur work

4. PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACT-

NEVER STOP DRAWING!!!! Like Ive said beforehand, u are ALWAYS learning smtng new!! Everything u draw is progress!

So no matter how bad u may think the things u do look, just remember that theyre likely looking MUCH better than the thing u drew yesterday

Art takes time to reach a level in which u feel comfortable and proud with how u do it, so its important to be patient and keep on practicing if u rlly want to get better at it!

Since u are a begginer, and if u have the time/motivation, Id suggest doing a doodle here and there to start picking up the habit to draw often. It is much easier to learn and less tedious once ure used to it and, ofc, enjoying it!

HOPE THESE ARE HELPFUL,,,, once again, they are based on my own experience thus far and some things I wish I knew back there………

AS FOR THE AU: ILL ANSWER THAT IN MY NEXT POST CUZ TUMBLR IS BEING A BITCH, amma ping u for my response if u dont mind so heads up,,,

[tomwaterbabies]

there are dozens upon dozens of reasons why connecting with (or generally just Listening To) all kinds of queer people outside of small online circles is incredibly enlightening. but i will say an unexpected, and most welcomed, outcome of it for me, was becoming less dysphoric about how i talk and act etc etc.

im a very animated person. im effeminate, im dramatic, i talk with the "fruity accent", i do gay little poses and flourishes. i assumed for many Many years that this was the result of being raised female, which made me feel like these sort of Gay Man Behaviors didnt really truly belong to me like they would a cis gay

As i talk with other transmascs though, even other mlm transmascs, it has become more and more clear to me that it is NOT a case of being raised a woman- certainly not entirely anyway. there are of course reasons for certain "queer traits" or whatever to exist- and i dont pretend to be an expert on why even IM like this. but its cool that somehow ive harbored parts of my true identity for years without knowing it, and without having to attach "well, you were a girl once" to it

all to say its also really, really funny to go into larger and sometimes local queer communities and instead of finding solace in shared experience i saw how unlike a lot of other queer transmascs i was and got incredibly excited that i really am a flamer

[abyssmalice]

// genshin spoilers re. 3.3 patch

(aka some brainrotting and hc editing based on all then new lore dumps)

(ok i just gotta quickly note before i forget (AGAIN SYGCSGYCU) abt how the archon quest basically made it clear that the harbingers Do know the histories of their fellow coworkers

like the winter’s night lazzo pv hinted as such, but it wasn’t clear to what extent everyone knew about everyone else

but the archon quest makes it clear between signora’s and scara’s conversation that they know each other’s pasts in addition to their names - though, whether this is just the case for Some of the harbingers vs all of them isn’t explicitly confirmed, but the running implication does seem to be that everyone knows each other rather well, even if they don’t necessarily get along as well lol

—and this is important to me for smol toni !!!!!!!!!!!

until now, ive more or less ran by the hc that toni’s history is a confidential matter even among the harbingers - the only ones who really know about her is the tsaritsa, pierro and dottore. the hc was that, in the eyes of the other harbingers, she’s a truly mysterious existence; the rumors around her and her origins may or may not be truthful, but in the case that some of them are (re: the one where she’s related to the tsaritsa), the other harbingers maintain a respectful stance - while gnashing their teeth when toni gets to her teenage rebellion phase, potentially.

however, with canon’s declaration that the harbingers might actually be more privy about each other, this hc more or less needs to get thrown out lmao

as such, the new premise is this:

toni’s name and history are known to the other harbingers. this means -

they’re aware that she can use more than cryo without a vision

she’s part-irminsul and can affect or manipulate the leylines to some extent (such as creating leyline disorders and the contents of the leylines, for example)

she was taken from her family as a seven year old child and became one of dottore’s experiments for a few years

she broke out of dottore’s facilities, destroying and maiming everyone in her way in the process - the hidden truth that she’s the sole instigator behind the abyssal moon massacre

she and her family are bonafide snezhnayan citizens living in morepesok

that last one is probs lowkey important for toni on a personal level bc i feel that’s Really gonna add to her already prevalent paranoia that the fatui can harm her family when she isn’t looking - after all, they know where her loved ones are and she’s too far from home to really do anything about it. it’s easy to threaten their safety when she can’t personally assuage matters.

but anyway, the main takeaways from this is that basically any harbinger muses can be aware of toni’s past prior to becoming a harbinger - excluding the matter of the abyss, which remains unknown bc she absolutely will not say shit about that to anyone.

which is to say that from the timeline of events she’s experienced, other harbingers can be aware that -

she was one of dottore’s experiments i.e. she doesn’t like him but for obvious reasons now; she’s likely afraid of him, bc what child experiment wouldn’t be, even with all her loud acting?

she caused the abyssal moon massacre i.e. she’s a child, and she may have not been in her right mind at the time, but the fact remains that she’s a mass murderer even before she became a harbinger.

she’s definitely not the tsaritsa’s daughter or related to her on a biological level - even if occasionally, that might be an act being put on for oblivious observers.

she was born human but somehow gained inhuman abilities related to irminsul

that last one again might be significant, at least for wanderer muses - since she’s part-irminsul, she can potentially remember things even wiped out from irminsul, but that’s a detail that requires plotting so it’s not a default premise or anything—it might be significant if, say, wanderer muses want a convenient source for irminsul info that isn’t dottore or something lmao

sPEAKING OF SCARA BY THE WAY....... him being confirmed to have been experimented on by dottore and sent to the abyss by the fatui????? oh mY GOD THE TONI-SCARA FRIENDSHIP IS REAL!!!! ITS REAL CRIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

or at least those two have Very similar grounds/experiences to bond over. if they ever wanna talk about it lol.

pwease gimme toni-scara friendship crumbs oh god i beg of u gibe twin gremlin harbinger fwiends dsucsygsuydgsyud)

[chivjrennugts]

this isolation is truly driving me crazy and making me feel so strange. on one end i feel happy that im finally thriving academically and im not wanting to fucking kill myself over every little thing, but on the other hand i feel like im constantly preparing for shit thats never gonna happen, im the loneliest ive ever been in my whole life and i am just so unsure. a part of me is sure this is what my mom wanted. me to be a fucking "yes ma'am" robot, but i cant blame her because the road i was going down was fucking terrible, and honestly i hate to admit this but she really did play a big part in that. i was miserable then, depressed even. but somehow i wasnt as unhappy and monotone as i am now.

i feel so boring and soulless, personality-less and they think this is a good thing. they think i want this. they think my favorite thing is to "be in the house" its not.

if anything thats starting to become the thing i hate the most. being in this house, in this room, 24 fucking 7. and no matter how many times i try to explain i am just made to feel stupid and ungrateful. man im tired of myself being tired of this shit.

i dont even know what to do anymore, social media has become my reality at this point. i am so unrealllllll and boring now.

often times i feel under appreciated because i tell her i did all this for her, but in reality when i sit and think about it i didnt. i did it more so BECAUSE of her. but i cant even begin to tell her that because then she'd say im just trying to make her feel back for parenting me and all other kinds of shut down shit.

but i really am just tryna leave all of that behind me and focus on now. but there isnt really anything to focus on. i feel forced to think about the past because there isnt really anything going on in my present.

i have no friends, no anything. just the ppl in my house. and a girl like me, i like adventure excitement i have so much love and passion in my heart that cant just be wasted.. so hopefully soon or later i get through this sandpaper patch.

[snow-and-saltea]

About your personal post - people without depression can say weird and disheartening things about it because they don't understand, so when I was at my worst, I ended up talking instead to people I didn't know (like free helplines) because then if they said something unhelpful/upsetting, I didn't take it so personally and it didn't undermine a relationship. I could get the stuff off my chest, then when I felt a bit better, could then go back to communicating with people I actually knew. I don't know if this might be helpful but it definitely was to me, because people can accidentally be so awful without meaning to. That said, please do reach out for help in some form - things will improve even if it doesn't feel like it now. Sending you all the best <3

(i privated the personal vent post so this looks out of context but)

thank you for this really sincere and kind response anon :'))

mhmm. i think what helped ground me now, i guess, was the reminder that they're still trying to help me and their perspective is no more or less important than my own. and that they're not an evil or bad person (hence they aren't setting out to hurt me on purpose) and neither am i for disagreeing. if we have the same goal of helping me, the power to redirect or reroute advice is as much as in my hands as it with the other person. i think i made myself too passive of an object (something being done to me, as opposed to a subject, doing something in the world) and i was too caught up in the quagmire of my own mind about how i feel about being an object, the emotional politics of things and their role in this mental warfare ive somehow concocted, rather than if i had just switched gears to become a subject. is this explanation easy to follow? hopefully it does!! sjdhskdhskfjdkfk the way my mind works is not very easy to explain or understand because i am constantly very meta about my thoughts and it creates complications that i have to take time to unravel, so i decided to go for levity (kinda, i can never be quite as concise as normal people).

with that outta the way though, what you said did give me pause and i thought was really insightful, thank you! i think one of the reasons i found it difficult to disagree with them is because we have a history or connection of some kind that allows for misunderstanding to flower really easily, and because humans personalise everything, its not easy to be a detached, easy going person who is both balancing taking me seriously + being kind and understanding with no serious lines about where it should end bc of nebulosity (and that leads to feeling impatient and exhausted acting against your natural disposition or instinct. which is what i also felt i was the victim of, so to subject someone else to that situation would be hypocritical of me and so i know its not the right perspective i should latch to).

that kinda went into multiple strands of thoughts ajdhskdj but the bottom line is, yeah! i agree with your advice, its very helpful. i often feel fearful of going to talk to people who i know will agree and or understand my stance, because i am always very wary of behaviours that lead to false honesty for myself. false honesty as in... i can say whatever i want and it'll technically be the truth, but its not an accurate summation of reality or what actually happened, and so i always feel wary about confiding in people with just my side of the story because i worry about my influence on other people's biases that would lead them to agree with me, and i don't like being right on the sole fact that i was convincing enough (simply by virtue of being confident or emotionally charged and firm in my interpretation of reality / the situation). i think ill have to strike a balance between finding the appropriate and relevant amount of context to solicit advice, but also not too much perspective that i get muddled with ideas that are not my own and get confused on what are my feelings and what aren't. and also!! i guess!! i just need to have (temporary, but fruitful) trust in whoever im talking to that they are a person with their own life experiences that inform their judgement, and not everything hinges on me being completely unbiased (bc its an impossible bar to reach even at the best of times) and that they have their own reasonings that remain unaffected by how i speak. if there's a gap in information, they can ask it, and i can volunteer it, and there doesn't need to be me overexplaining everything at the same time with multiple parantheses and caveats jwhksjdkd its something im prone to doing.

now that im more clear-headed, i can see how both ways of asking advice can have pros and cons. asking advice from someone i don't know relies on the universality of "common sense" and social instincts/principles of what is appropriate and inappropriate and it can help to simplify the matter to the essential thing at the center most point, and it can help me figure out if i'm overcomplicating things by thinking too much about accommodating personality quirks and letting the wrong thing slide / personalising it too much w my own perspective. it risks oversimplifying a lot of things, but it also can be grounding with reminding me if a situation can / SHOULD be as straightforward as it looks, and all that.

whereas asking advice from someone i do know, its a lot more personal because that person probably knows things about me i don't or they know things about me that i overlook or disown / dismiss that they think are noteworthy. whether or not they're valid points of concern is another topic, but the point is, contextualising things and advice so that it is something that i will most likely follow / need to hear for me specifically is important because it gives more basis as to where they're coming from, bc they're not saying stuff blindly. although, yeah, they can be pretty hurtful when they come from or are delivered badly because i feel like. "why are you saying this to me knowingly!! why are you hurting my feelings on purpose!! don't you know i don't like that!!" and there's a higher standard i have for people i know / have a close connection to because its tangled in a lot of history. the same goes the other way around, i also find it difficult to disagree on a purely logical perspective of "i don't agree with what you're saying about this" and its hard for them to not feel like they're being dismissed or to not take it personally, especially if they were passionate about being helpful.

i guess it's just the balancing act we have to do, so there's no other way to do it than to do it, even if badly. its ... tiring and daunting realising the potential each individual has to cause hurt, but i just have to trust that the world will spin as it always does, and i have to spin along with it, albeit imperfectly and clumsily.

once again, thank you for going out of your way to send a kind message when i was in the Depths of it, i truly appreciate it. seeing your message in my inbox made me weepy when i saw it, i felt very touched. squeezes you, i hope you have a wonderful week ahead of you, friend 💛🐢

[miquellah]

ok first of all this is a GOOD stance to have, dont get me wrong here. im just neurotically thorough and have to be like “hm, but even if she WASNT possessed, and WAS all just out to create a frenzied lord from the start. does that truly make it justified?”

because as we all Should know, even when fromsoft wrote in the hornsent genocide and jar rituals, they made no move to actually justify it. if anything, the very opposite, with an emphasis on the horrific suffering the hornsent had undergone, particularly the commoners who had no say in those rituals. so like

yeah. yeah, the frenzied flame is ABSOLUTELY nothing to be trifled with, as a world-ending force. but from equally makes an emphasis on midra’s suffering due to those inquisitors, and as ive said— the bulk of his torment truly seems more or less due to that entirely. so like, do we just have another nomads situation on our hands? or would midra still not be worthy of such sympathy regardless of the flame?

the inquisitors dont know his character, of course, and i dont think they care. perhaps they couldnt, or shouldnt consider him as a person in regards to their mission. but the use of such torture— even if hes spared just because they cant reach him, because theyre too maddened to think straight— is… well, torture in and of itself is never justified anyway

we know little of nanaya except that he loved her. we know little of midra except that his servants cared for him, and that he himself warns us away when we get closer. he seems gentle and caring, despite somehow having become so intertwined with the flame— but even then, if he wasnt even that sort of pitiable, kind person. would that warrant such tortures?

(the tortures of which that, yeah, spurred on the very suffering required to cultivate that flame, whether the inquisitors are aware of this or not)

so anyway worst case. PERSONALLY. i myself never got the vibes that fromsoft was trying to push that an inquisition would be justified, and even in that worst case, i do think its an interesting (perhaps intentional) challenge to think over our own perceptions and mindsets again. do YOU feel it would be justified? given the great, horrific nature of the frenzied flame itself, would you think it even mattered?

granted i still havent done a deep dive on nanaya and midra yet. and granted, she IS shady, and at very best misguided in her motives. but all the people going “nanaya TORTURED midra and TORMENTED him to get him to become the perfect host for the frenzied flame” is like. also not quite it… mostly due in part to almost all of midra’s suffering apparently due to either 1) the effects of the flame’s influence itself, and 2) the literal fucking inquisitors hunting him down, stalking around his front door, and yknow. Having literally impaled him

nanaya having likely been the one to guide him with the flame is one thing, but her role honestly also seems pretty similar to hyetta. a maiden of the frenzied flame. im not quite feeling a full nashandra situation again here. “the plea to Endure was a curse” is also pretty open, because, like. you would also tell your loved ones to Endure too, wouldn’t you?

im also honestly not all too confident in ER fans’ track record with misogyny at that…. like was she actually definitively a bad person. or are we just assuming this in full again

[lol-jackles]

ive been in all sorts of shipping fandoms from sterek to WangXian. And there are always a few persons who think the actors are secretly dating in real life or secretly lgbtq but the delusional hysteria in the destiel/cockles corner takes the cake. I just assumed that the majority of them are young and gullible but damn even back when I was 17 and shipping J2 I didn't actually BELIEVE they were together together. these idiots need to get off the internet for a year or two.

3 ingredients went into Destiel/Cockles' delusional hysteria:

The longevity of the show kept the hope up that this season will be the season their ship will become canon even right up to the finale (because bibros got their finale in 15x19)

During the show's record-breaking longevity Misha was feeding their hope that the ship can and will become canon

Kink shame over their fetish

It's the main reason why they can't stop crying over the finale two years later because they spend over a DECADE emotionally invested, not to mention the ungodly amount of money they spent that most of them couldn't afford to spend because they still need a "win" to show for all their DECADE worth of commitment.

Cockle ship happened because sane Destiel shippers knew they weren’t even getting Destiel subtext on the show (they don’t subscribe to “bi-color secret message bullshit) so they went after Cockles and trying to prove Jensen and Misha are friends/besties/lovers.  Because they noticed that non-shippers were siding with Wincest shippers because Jared and Jensen have a weird close friendship in real life.   That’s why they are so desperate to somehow prove Jensen/Misha’s friendship is real or even are secret lovers because then they can say they see Destiel because of their friendship/lovers, not because of the show that doesn’t give them text or subtext for their fetish ship.

From there Cockle tinhatters produced conspiracies like Catholic rabbits.  Here, let me show you how the Cockle tinhatters’ mind operates:

-For the one hour that Jensen was talking about Jared he was really talking about Misha because he looked down for 5 seconds and that is code for Misha because he has 5 letters in his name.

-Jensen uprooted and dragged his family halfway across the country to live less than a mile from Jared because he’s totally in love with Misha but instead he’s going to stalk Jared to cover up his feelings.

-Whenever Misha looks tired (which, to be honest is all the time), it means he’s missing Jensen.  When ever Misha strokes Jared’s hair (which, to be honest we all want to do), it means he’s thinking of Jensen.    

-A bug landed on Misha.  The bug was identified as Delusionex Hilarius and has blue and green stripes. Obvious case of color coding for Cockles.

[tigerdrop]

Your statement hit me, and now I have a question. I rarely draw for fun, but I want fame, and to put the thoughts in my mind into a medium.

What do I do

you gotta focus on that last thing as your primary motivator or else it will drive you insane. i know this is literally the same thing i said in that post but i am speaking from experience here, both my own and others, and i am not saying that people who do art for attention or fame are bad or somehow less legitimate than people who do art purely for their own enjoyment

like look man. i also desperately wanted to be noticed and to get acclaim for my work. when i was a kid i wanted so badly to be a famous actor it was embarrassing. i wrote fan screenplays for fucking glee in which i was the new main character and i would act them out on my own and fantasize about being up on stage, on tv, and finally being liked and admired. before i got into this fandom i would also fantasize about writing or drawing something that would become wildly popular, and id have a whole bunch of people making fanart and fanfic and sending me fanmail about how much it meant to them and how good my work was and etc etc

getting into hlvrai gave me a taste of that and it fucking sucked!!!

dont get me wrong. positive attention is great. it makes me really happy that people like my stuff and are willing to tell me so. but heres a little "laundry list" of all the stupid insane bullshit ive had to put up with just b/c i briefly got popular in a moderately big fandom:

regular (and incredibly vicious) harassment by people who genuinely saw my art as morally wrong

expectations that i make only a specific kind of art, and anger/backlash when i ignore that and do what i want

people seeing me not as a human being, but as an impersonal figurehead, or an art machine, or as somebody to approach specifically b/c im popular and they want to hang out with somebody popular

legitimate psychological and sexual abuse by multiple people specifically b/c of the above, traumatizing me in ways that i am still not fully "over"

people scanning my posts for anything even remotely problematic so they can hold it against me

creators of the thing i enjoy (and their friends) deliberately seeking out my artwork to make fun of it/express disgust that i would make it

people maintaining a perpetual burning hatred of me for months, or even years, which is totally impossible to resolve b/c there are people you cannot please no matter what you do and its futile to even try

and posting about it publicly! to the point where i literally cannot engage with the NSFW side of the fandom at all b/c its impossible to avoid people who are willing to decry my entire experience with gender and sexuality as "cringe" or "bad representation", or who enjoy publicly speculating over whether or not im an abuser b/c i like it when the fictional machinima character is mean to me

and all this over having written a fanfic online. do you know how much worse it is for people with even bigger followings? people who get hugely popular and then feel like they cant draw anything if it isnt marketable b/c their entire brand has been distilled into one Thing? people who stop posting art entirely b/c their audience has exerted such a strong influence over what they let themselves draw that it killed their enjoyment?

ive seen a lot of people bemoan the fact that a lot of popular artists have really insular circles and dont talk to anybody outside of them. this is why: the internet has cultivated a massive general audience with such an entitlement to your presence that you end up totally dehumanized. i personally am terrified to talk to people outside of a very small circle b/c experiencing a fleeting amount of popularity exposed me to a lot of very dangerous people and fucked me up big time. (i also have a pretty severe case of avoidant personality disorder which doesnt help.)

fame can fuck up your entire relationship to your art. and i am very lucky that right now, i can just draw/write stuff that makes me happy and i have a manageable audience that seems to enjoy it. and also when i need to i can draw art for commissions without it dominating my hobby

if you feel like you can treat making art as Just A Job, then, yknow, thats your call. some people genuinely dont see it as anything more than a paycheck. its not necessarily a good or bad thing. but way, way more of you are vulnerable to a maladaptive relationship with your own ability to create, and i would rather you heed these warnings and still take pleasure in the human act of creation than end up hating the very things that brought you joy

so like tl;dr if you want fame there is a very good chance it will drive you crazy and theres no nice way around it. but if you focus on just putting things into the world b/c you want to get them out of your head, you have a lot better odds of being satisfied. do with that what u will

sorry for the long post. byebye