#even just rewatching the season again sounds exhausting

[confinesofmy]

i feel kind of bad for not having more to say about this last season of succession but i think trauma has stunted my attention span. i'm currently in the middle of genuinely a couple hundred things from basic chores to projects to research spirals, none of them progressing terribly well, and i've been like this for ages now. i think i hauve Brain Damage.

[fordarkisthesuede]

Heyyy…so, about where I’ve beeeeen… 

I considered doing a silly little poll to have you guess, but... Oh, what the hey! Let's do it!!!

Anyway -

While a lotta y’all had "Brat Summer", I had "Slowly-Being-Consumed-By-Moss" Summer.

And GA summers are real fuckin’ long.

Every year I seem to go through a phase where I decide I’ve had enough of endlessly scrolling through tumblr and feeling bad about not getting things done. Sometimes this is combined with the incredible gloom of coming onto the only social media I partake in and finding nothing but tragic news. Only this time it combined with the very-dreaded Election Season Panic (US version). (Please hold in your derisive laughter.)

Pictured above:  a representation of me, circa…like, April 2024.

I should note the things that I tend to over-use tumblr to avoid aren’t things that have “real” deadlines, but I feel more and more guilty when I don’t do them, or else carve out time to do them. These are usually “replying to messages” and “writing my epic fanfic”, but can even branch out to “making stable diary entries” and the like.

My fellow writers - at least some of you - know what I mean. We clean our living spaces or sort things or bake to avoid writing, because for some reason when we look at the proverbial page our brain nopes out. Sometimes it’s because of the fear we’re not writing well enough for our stuff to actually be liked. Sometimes it’s because we’re veeery stuck with where we’re at and looking at the stupid spot we’re stuck at for the millionth time is exhausting. Sometimes it’s cuz we’re plum outta ideas ‘cause the stars haven’t aligned.

But this past summer was…particularly bad in the writer’s block area. So much so that another fic I was writing from back in February to combat writer’s block with BtTTS: S5 was even getting big ol’ roadblocks! Which is really dumb. It’s mindless self-insert fun for a fandom I’ll probably never write for publicly, yet I’m struggling? WTF.

So most of the summer, I experienced Lethargy. No melancholy, no anger or serious anxiety, no hopelessness or real lack of sleep or feeling over-tired. So not depression, I don’t think, but no real enthusiasm or energy for creative stuff, nor video games for some reason. I went to work, read the news, worked my way through most of a One Piece rewatch, caught up on some manga, and went through a list of movies I had been meaning to see. (Man, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf was wild. You guys see that? De-licious drama. Incredible. I’ll def see it again in like 5 or 10 years.)

I thought about coming back to do a Book of Bill post. I pre-ordered it ages ago. It arrived, I read through it over the span of a few days, I spent time working out most of the puzzles… But I just couldn’t bring up the enthusiasm to do anything for it. It was fun ‘n’ all, but it’s not like a lot of the stuff in there is revolutionary or anything. Besides, by the time I got around to reading the book I already knew all the puzzles were solved and posted online by like day 2 of release or something, because the GF fandom is feral when it comes to puzzles. The Blacklight book was special because of its limited run, and I felt the need to share it so everyone could see. The Bill book you can find in any B&N or e-book store. The thought of typing up anything on it just felt like work.

And THEN…come late July… 

Like ol’ blue eyes lyrics, something came shakin’.

It was like the rubber-band that somehow wound around my brain SNAPPED and went

It wasn't exactly a surprise, yet it was. I've been waiting for like, a decade now. And I finally had means, motive, and opportunity,

It took every single one of my weekends from August to mid-September to find and settle on a place. And then it was every single weekend from then to mid-October to find and store furniture and start packing, all while juggling the UTTER NIGHTMARE that is the mortgage closing process.

Oh, and that hurricane. That certainly didn’t help any. (I'm fine.)

Anywho, that’s why I’ve been hermiting it up. Just been trying to clear my head and get a sense of independence - while I still can -while crafting my own little Ha-Hacienda. And even in light of recent…world-changing events…I’m clinging to my projects with my sharp, sharp nails and my primitive canines, because while the world is clearly always awful I’ve got to enjoy some small slices of life on this absolute bitch of an Earth. Hope I didn’t scare any of ya with my absence. ❤️

P.S. If anyone wants to fill me in on what tumblr-centric and Batman-universe things I missed this past 6 months, the askbox and replies are open. Wrong answers, vague answers, and hieroglyphics accepted, as long as you cite your sources.

[cuddlepilefics]

SKZ Season Greetings - 12

Why so mean?

Jeongin’s chills had finally subsided when he climbed out of the tub and he felt more alive now that he had freshened up. As promised, Hyunjin sat on his bed, a steaming pot of tea on the nightstand as well as some fruit. “So, how do you feel now”, the dancer smiled, looking up from his phone. Rolling his shoulders, Jeongin stretched and smiled: “More like myself, finally. Think the steam helped a good deal. ‘m still coughing a lot but it doesn’t hurt as much and it doesn’t feel so stuck anymore.” – “That’s good”, Hyunjin hummed with a smile, “What do you want to watch?”

Jisung sniffled pitifully when Felix returned with two bowls of soup. He didn’t have an appetite but the promise of medicine was enough to convince him to eat at least a little, besides, Felix had gone out of his way to get him something, so it didn’t feel right to refuse. “You look awful, y’know”, Felix hummed hoarsely as he handed the rapper his soup. Lightly blowing over the steamy bowl, Jisung rasped: “Feel it too but it doesn’t make any sense. I woke up fine, so I shouldn’t feel like this again.” - “Hm, you said your fever was gone this morning”, the Aussie muttered, “Was there anything you did that might’ve brought it back? Like, I don’t know, did you take a hot shower or anything of that sort?” Pathetically shaking his head, Jisung eventually breathed: “Changbin-hyung’s laptop was set up on the dining table, so I continued working on some songs. That wasn’t physically straining at all though. Only the screen made my head hurt.” – “You weren’t supposed to work”, Felix frowned, “You were supposed to be resting.” – “But I was fine”, the rapper argued. “You aren’t fine now”, Felix pointed out. Shrugging, Jisung noted: “I’m also not working now.”

The door opened with a soft creaking sound and Changbin hesitantly poked his head in to check on his dongsaengs. He had expected them to be asleep, so it was a little awkward when both curiously looked up from their meal. “Hey, just wanted to see how the two of you are doing”, Changbin hummed, stepping in fully before closing the door behind himself. Lowering his spoon, Felix hummed: “I’m okay, chest’s still really congested and my back aches but it’s bearable. Jiji here, was apparently fine this morning but insisted he had to work and is now faring quite a bit worse.” – “Gosh, you’re almost like Chan-hyung”, the older scolded, giving Jisung a stern look, “Baby bread told me that Chan fainted earlier when he tried to get himself a drink.” Seeing the horrified look on his dongsaengs’ faces, Changbin laughed lightly and added: “He’s okay though. Minho scolded him thoroughly for the scare he has given him and is now cuddling him to make sure he won’t get up unsupervised again.”

“You sound like you’re feeling better”, Felix remarked as Changbin turned to leave again. Nodding, the older smiled: “I actually am. My fever went down and although it’s not entirely gone, I feel more like myself. Took Innie’s advice and showered, so yeah, I’m feeling a lot better and so is baby bread. If the two of us are already over the worst of it, the rest of you should be improving soon too, so just hang in there. Text me if you need anything.” With that, Changbin headed back to the living room and smiled when he saw Seungmin shuffling out of his room. “Hey, how was your nap? Think we’ll have to rewatch the drama with how much you missed”, the rapper chuckled, opening his arms for his dongsaeng. Resting his forehead on his hyung’s shoulder, Seungmin sniffled: “I feel even more exhausted now and my throat hurts. Well, it doesn’t hurt significantly worse than the rest of my body but it’s the most annoying.” Fighting a giggle because while a whiny Seungmin was adorable, he was just as dangerous, Changbin walked the vocalist to the kitchen and started preparing some tea.

“Why you gotta be all touchy-touchy?”, Jeongin complained, picking up his pace, rushing to the living room and throwing himself on the couch. Hyunjin rested his hand on his chest in offense and rasped: “ You wanted my cuddles these past few days and now that I need them, you push me away.” – “Sounds like Innie is feeling better”, Seungmin chuckled, lowering his cup. Changbin and him had overheard their friends’ bickering and were highly entertained, if only Hyunjin wasn’t still running a fever, getting emotional quickly. The dancer looked about ready to cry at the rejection when Changbin and Seungmin joined them in the living room, so Seungmin whispered: “Come here, hyung. I’ll give you cuddles. ‘m a little chilled anyway, so lets share some warmth.” – “See that?”, Hyunjin pouted at Jeongin, “I got a new favorite dongsaeng now.” He stuck his tongue out at the maknae, making the others laugh.

“We all know that Felix is your favorite dongsaeng but I’m glad you’re getting some affection, so you can stop bothering me”, Jeongin reminded as he got comfortable. Burying his face in Seungmin’s shirt, Hyunjin whined, “Why you gotta be so mean to me? I’m sick, you gotta be nice. Especially because you were the one who got me sick.” – “Oh, right. I remember it now. I kicked you out and forced you to build a snowman with Felix. Right, I’m sorry”, the youngest hummed ironically but got back up. Though he was already on his way to the kitchen, he could still hear Hyunjin’s offended whine and Changbin and Seungmin’s laughter.

When Jeongin returned to the living room, he set down two steaming cups of tea. Hyunjin still had his face hidden but Seungmin returned his dongsaeng’s smile when the youngest teased: “Here, I’m nice. Got the both of you tea with lots of honey, so while I doubt you’ll stop whining anytime soon, it hopefully won’t sound as pathetic anymore, Hyunjin-hyung.” – “Binnie-hyung, baby bread is being mean to me”, Hyunjin complained but sat up to have some tea. Defensively raising his hands, Changbin chuckled: “What am I supposed to do about that? Since when does the maknae on top listen to me? Just kidding, you’re a good boy, Innie.” The dancer’s jaw dropped, while a wide smile spread on Jeongin’s face. Seungmin held back a laugh, glad that his only dongsaeng was finally well enough for their usual bickering again.

Since they were slowly growing tired of only soup and rice for meals, Changbin and Jeongin teamed up to cook for the group. “Try to wait with teasing Jinnie for another couple of days”, the rapper advised softly, when he was sure the others wouldn’t hear him, “He’s still feverish and emotional, so you can’t predict how he might take your words. Wouldn’t want him to get overly hurt and upset about something you intended as a joke.” Jeongin hummed in agreement, suddenly feeling guilty. Heading back to the living room. The maknae surprised Hyunjin with a tight hug and muttered: “’m sorry, I got you sick and sorry for not returning the favor of cuddles but I hate skinship and it’s nothing personal.” It had come out in such a rush that for a moment, Hyunjin only blinked in confusion before the words started to make sense to him. “It’s okay”, the dancer rasped with a faint smile, “Just glad, you’re acting more like yourself again. You had us worried.”

“Group hangout?”, Felix wondered as he guided Jisung to one of the bean bags. The rapper groaned as he dizzily collapsed onto the bean bag. The medicine he had taken a couple of minutes ago wasn’t working yet and the short walk had left him winded. Felix too needed a moment to catch his breath and crouched next to his twin, gently messing with the other’s hair as he whispered: “You okay? Want me to get you some water?” Giving a pitiful sniffle, Jisung shook his head. He’d be fine, just needed a moment for the dark spots to disappear. Changbin had overheard them and brought the younger a glass of water anyway. “Where are Chan and Minho?”, Felix asked confused when he realized that the entire group was gathered except for their two eldest. Growing more serious, Jeongin hummed: “They should be in Minho-hyung’s room. Chan-hyung fainted earlier, so when he came to again, we had him lay down there. He was really upset, insisting that it was his job to take care of the rest of us, and he beat himself up over needing help.”

Felix lips formed a small pout and he mumbled: “Sorry, but I gotta go. Take good care of Hannie for me.” – “No, I was s’posed to look after you”, Jisung whined when the other hurried off to Minho’s room. “I think you should look after Hyunjin-hyung”, Jeongin advised carefully, “Bet he needs it most right now.” That was how Hyunjin and Jisung ended up snuggling against each other, which Seungmin got the space to position his sore body in a way that wouldn’t hurt too much. Changbin tucked two blankets around the vocalist to ease his chills before him and Jeongin resumed their cooking.

“Hyung?”, Felix whispered from the hallway, earning a tired hum from Minho, “How are you two? Innie said Chan fainted.” – “We’re okay”, the older breathed, “Yeah, he did but he’s sleeping now. How’s your back? If you aren’t as restless as before, you’re welcome to join us for some cuddles.” Felix could hear the implication. He’d be welcome as long as his squirming wouldn’t risk waking Chan. Crawling onto Minho’s legs, and curling up on his lap, the younger mumbled: “My back’s better. Just had another dose of painkillers, so it should be alright for a few hours.” – “That’s good to hear”, Minho smiled, stroking his dongsaeng’s hair, “You had me worried. Comfy?” Felix nodded and closed his eyes, eager to be indulged with headpats.

[chandlerbing-monicabang]

Number 4 for Mondler for the dialogue prompt please!

Thank you for the prompt!! I've reached season 9 in my rewatch and I think it's clear here. Hope that's okay!

4.) "Lay your head on my shoulder and try to sleep."

Monica could be intense at the best of times. No one was denying that. But, somehow, it always seemed to get worse when she was stressed out and had the control taken away from her the way life sometimes did.

If there was anything Chandler could do, he would in a heartbeat but he had known Monica long enough now to know there weren't too many options. Even if it was two am and she was refusing to go to bed, insisting on cleaning the apartment that he's certain is ranking among the cleanest places in the world already. The floor cleaner than a plate in any restaurant, the apartment as a whole ranking above a hospital, no, not just hospital, an ICU. He didn't know how she was still finding things to clean but, what he did know, was his eyes were slowly closing and he just wanted to go to bed.

As Monica started to walk around him again, he reached out, gently guiding her down onto the couch next to him. "Mon, can we just go to bed already?" He asked, sounding as tired as he felt.

"How could you even think about sleeping at a time like this, Chandler?" She asked, the volume of her voice waking him up a little more.

"Because it's dark outside and I've been awake for twenty hours already. It's two in the morning. A time that most rational people would be in bed, Honey."

"But there's-and I, it's just-" The more she said, the higher pitch she became until finally, "Nothing's going right. This wasn't the plan, we were supposed to stick to the plan!"

Chandler sighed, knowing what this was about. Learning that the chance of them having a baby was so low wasn't what Monica wanted to hear and he had thought things went a little too well at the time. But it was just like her to try to push past it, come up with a new plan while knowing she wasn't going to be able to go through with the original plan ate at her slowly.

"I know, I do," He said softly, taking her hand in his, rubbing his thumb over her fingers. "We can keep working on plan A, but it's time we come up with plan B. Maybe C and D if our current luck is anything to go by. It's best to be prepared." Really, it was just shocking Monica didn't already have a backup plan but she was always determined to get her way. Maybe this was just another case of that.

"But what should that plan be?" Monica asked, jumping on the couch a little as she moved to look at him.

"Right now, I think the plan should be to get some rest and look at this in the morning with fresh eyes and are much better rested," He answered. Mostly because he was exhausted and she should be too but also because he knew it would be the best course of action.

He shifted on the couch, his arm wrapping around her shoulders, pulling her down to lay on the couch. Or for him to lay on the couch and her to lay on top of him.

"Lay your head on my shoulder and try to sleep," He instructed quietly, getting the blanket from the back of the couch to wrap around both of them the best he could.

She went down without a fight, laying against him. "I guess I could try," She agreed and he couldn't help the little "okay" that came out in a teasing tone.

Thankfully, it didn't seem to take either of them long to drift off to sleep like that, cuddled on the couch.

[something-awful1]

my thoughts while rewatching all of Helluva Boss in honor of the S2 trailer PT 5 (getting this one out last minute let's goooo)

WESTERN ENERGY - i remember this one :/ - i hate andrealphus oh my god - dude the tone of this is so off - how is bro staying on this horse he's like levitating - blitzo's little laugh omg pop off brandon rogers - reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally can't say that word anymore - i hate this goat's voice - oh it's vivienne - this song is so bad kill me now - no cause i actually hate the pacing of this episode - oooo classism, how fun - bro why did the dude call moxxie "queer boy" im sobbing - this dialogue kill me now - i don't even have words i hate this - i feel like this scene is only here bc A) they wanted ed bosco to sound sexy B) they're not allowed to show what happens during the full moon - hate this sequence - hate it - am i the only one who thought andrealphus talking to his sister the way he does it... kinda weird? like it gives me such a weird vibe - "you're so lucky you're attractive" WHAT THE FUCK - your sister is not your "fiery vixen" stfu elsa - okay but bryce pinkham is popping off again he makes this episode worth watching - dude this episode is so heavily censored what's happening - EW THE FIGHT SEQUENCE MAKES ME WANNA KMS OMG - i hate the music change - idk why watching moxxie fight is so visually satisfying though - "hey let's play a game! how many times can we make the same sex joke over and over again in one episode?" -vivienne, probably - how does such a bad episode have such a good ending. like genuinely i'm so mad about this because the whole "stolas got hurt?" thing and the hospital scene at the end is so PERFECT and if the episode were just written better, it would've been amazing

UNHAPPY CAMPERS - i kinda like the opening sequence ngl - perfectionist moxxie, we stan - okay but like... why did they choose to be siblings - this is.... so cringe - dude the double standard is CRAAAZY - i hate this number so much kill me now - like we wanted millie to get a solo but.... not this. god, not this - HELP WHY IS THE "moxxie sobbing uncontrollably" SUBTITLE SO FUNNY TO ME - i'm so lost - "child screams in futility" - this is a cool fight sequence though - tf is this song - HELP THE CAPTIONS - "like it's so graphic" "there goes the tube top" "exhibitionism activated" I'M SOBBING - stop being mean to moxxie where did the truth seekers character development go OOPS - love the opening music - guys alex brightman is at it again - imagine betting flustered by your own dirty comment OZZIE - DICKS IN THE VAN - queives >>> - i love this episode, like i'm not gonna have a lot of commentary because i just wanna watch it - were those condoms that just flew out of his pants? - "birdy babe" i love him omg - OWL IN A CAGE INSTRUMENTAL SPOTTED - wow ngl kinda ballsy to play a video sent by fizz in front of stolas, ozzie - wow these two are both like... idiots - they both have like... the worst kept secrets in hell - help i love the dialogue in this episode so much - wow blitzo would EAT at pool - i remember everyone theorizing for YEARS about the fire and when this episode came out we weren't even surprised because we got it right so we were all like.... "yeah" - "fizz fighty sounds" - real ones remember "i'm getting paid to write this" - YALL READY FOR ONE OF THE BEST SONGS IN THE SERIES - yeah i said it, look at this is one of the best - it's up there with owl in a cage and you will be okay - why is it always "wyd" and never "THE SECRET TO BITCOIN COMPUTERS AND MICROCHIPS-" - crimson's confused face during the italian bit is so funny - ALESSIO DOES A MOM HAND AT CRIM - stiker going slowly insane is so cool to watch omg - stan asexual king striker - "get fucked little one" are we talkin to the lawyer dude or fizz... - i love that episode so much MAMMON'S MUSICAL MID SEASON WHATEVER THE FUCK - YALL I AM SO TIRED - so exhausted - fuck you mammon - written by vivienne medrano - i have no thoughts i just love this episode - like the pacing is SO GOOD - i need a therapist fizzy ngl - "if you wanna fuck em' you can!" and then IMMEDIATELY says "fizzy for the kids" i'm sobbing - "royal big man" BLITZO I LOVE YOU - HOUSE OF ASMODEUS INSTRUMENTAL SPOTTED - okay but ozzie's "undercover" outfit.... doesnt eat - OKAY MAMMON HAS SOME AMAZING SOUND EFFECTS WHY COULDN'T WE DO THAT FOR ALASTOR IN HAZBIN - i love this dialogue so much - i hated juggling iz cool when i first heard it but it grew on me - it's catchy - ill be honest i don't really get the clown contest thing - cue the cutest sequence in any helluva episode ever - i can't put into words how much i love the asl scene - sir your ass is out - klown bitch also grew on me after a while - BUT LIKE SERIOUSLY I DON'T GET THE CLOWN COMPETITION??? LIKE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY, RIGHT? RIGHT? WHY IS IT JUST A CONCERT - literally zoned out through the entirety of crooked - like it's okay but they deserved a WAAAAAAY better number - THIS SONG SLAPS THOUGH - TWO MINUTES NOTICE HAS MY HEART - literally zoned out for all of this i should sleep omg - blitzo is out here asking the important questions

I'M FINALLY DONE

happy full moon ya'll <3

[mlobsters]

supernatural s1e11 scarecrow (teleplay: john shiban, story: patrick sean smith)

(this is a rewatch so spoilers abound)

this episode was my first spn hey i know you - which was a piggyback on an xfiles hiky for an actor that was in the killing as well, triple threat. and ofc william b davis (who is the cigarette smoking man in xf) that's in this spn episode too, i may have screeched when i saw him in the credits

also have a feeling in this rewatch the brother angst is what's gonna cause me the most strife. i was so, so exhausted by that plot mechanic by the time i was solidly reaching the 2/3 point of the series. i do wonder if when it gets really heavy or repetitive, if i'll be able to power through. i won't be surprised if i can't. anyway, onwards to the first spat

the teaser music was very on theme xfiles-y, but then it shifts to eye rolling (for me) territory and you guessed it, jay gruska. there was a vibe, and then it was gone. so in this clip, i'm digging it (it has some of what i call an xfiles sound) and it's tense and present feeling. but then once the... urgent? music starts when they start to run with these really flat bland sounding strings.. it just feels so. cliche and boring and sitting in the background. to me, it's actively taking away tension instead of adding it. like maybe if the software they were using had better strings or it was mixed differently, it would be better. or, you know, had recorded actual strings (but i can also imagine the limitations with 22+ episode seasons on a relatively low budget b level network show so). anyway, #choices

you know what is also #choices, me wasting 30+ minutes trying to find actual details on the budget for the show and getting nowhere, other than people saying it was low 🥴 this has some general speculation of $2mil per episode but also details that they don't release cost and revenue numbers. i imagine s1's budget was different from s5

could the beds BE any closer? i know i commented on that the first time through too. and also figure it's so they could get this shot of them both sleeping and then pan around to sam sitting up in bed but it's funny regardless of silly production reasons! gotta be in literal arm's length from your brother who you have very normal and chill feelings about

also like, sam shoulda been smacking the shit out of dean to wake him up after he realized john was on the phone. HELLO what's the point of being in arm's reach if you don't use the arm to reach out and slap them when needed haha

as ever just thinking how potentially uncomfortable it would be to sleep with the amulet on, but also the commitment of wearing it, even sleeping, from 12 years old to 31. damn. now i'm sad again lol. so like, totally understand why jensen was glad to get rid of it - it was big and he mentioned he forgot to swap out to the stunt one and chipped his teeth with it smacking him in the mouth. maybe if had been less giant and heavy, they could have reincorporated/had a real fix-it for it. womp womp

SAM We’ve been looking for you everywhere. We didn’t know where you were, if you were okay. JOHN Sammy, I’m all right. What about you and Dean? (At the motel, DEAN is waking up.) SAM We’re fine. Dad, where are you? (DEAN sits up in bed.) JOHN Sorry, kiddo, I can’t tell you that. SAM What? Why not? DEAN Is that Dad? JOHN Look, I know this is hard for you to understand. You’re just gonna have to trust me on this.

taking a moment to address how deeply unsettling and weird it would be to have your dad who you have been living and working with forever to ghost you with no explanation for what.. 6 months now? pilot was set in end of october, this ep is april

SAM You’re after it, aren’t you? The thing that killed Mom. JOHN Yeah. It’s a demon, Sam. SAM A demon? You know for sure? DEAN A demon? What’s he saying?

so i had thought he knew about hunting before, but refreshed my memory that he didn't here last time it came up, but also just thinking about how mary never told him about the demon and the deal - at least when the time was approaching. she didn't know what the demon wanted, or that she was gonna end up dying in the process, but damn. give your man a heads up that a demon is coming inside your house. i can also see why she might not, but ugh. anyway, plot needs must

JOHN I do. Listen, Sammy, I, uh…I also know what happened to your girlfriend. I’m so sorry. I would’ve done anything to protect you from that. SAM You know where it is? JOHN Yeah, I think I’m finally closing in on it. SAM Let us help. JOHN You can’t. You can’t be any part of it. SAM Why not? DEAN Give me the phone. JOHN Listen, Sammy, that’s why I’m calling. You and your brother, you gotta stop looking for me. Alright, now, I need you to write down these names. SAM Names? What names, Dad—talk to me, tell me what’s going on. JOHN Look, we don’t have time for this. This is bigger than you think, they’re everywhere. Even us talking right now, it’s not safe. SAM No. Alright? No way. DEAN Give me the phone. JOHN I have given you an order. Now, you stop following me, and you do your job. You understand me? Now, take down these names. (DEAN grabs the phone from SAM.)

man oh man. it's a good thing john has dean so thoroughly trained to fall in line like an actual soldier because i'm right there with sam, it's a really tough pill to swallow without any explanation as to WHY they can't be involved. it sounds like writers who haven't decided exactly why, other than we just need them to stay apart for now :P so frustrating!

DEAN Dad, it’s me. Where are you? (…) Yes, sir. (…) Uh, yeah, I got a pen. What are their names?

dean's face when he goes from frustrated and concerned, where are you? to "yes, sir" 💔 yet again, i made gifs.

DEAN Dad doesn’t want our help. SAM I don’t care. DEAN He’s given us an order. SAM (firmly) I don’t care. We don’t always have to do what he says. DEAN Sam, Dad is asking us to work jobs, to save lives, it’s important. SAM Alright, I understand, believe me, I understand. But I’m talking one week here, man, to get answers. To get revenge. DEAN Alright, look, I know how you feel. SAM Do you? How old were you when Mom died? Four? Jess died six months ago. How the hell would you know how I feel?

that was a low blow, sammy. not cool. so dean deflects with something else that is also logical

DEAN Dad said it wasn’t safe. For any of us. I mean, he obviously knows something that we don’t, so if he says to stay away, we stay away. SAM I don’t understand the blind faith you have in the man. I mean, it’s like you don’t even question him. DEAN Yeah, it’s called being a good son!

i don't think sam's right in tearing off to track john down, i don't think it's right that john is keeping them still basically entirely in the dark, but i also don't think dean's right in the blind faith/following bit. everyone is wrong 🎉 but again, dean was raised like a literal soldier. that following orders is life or death. it's not being a good son, it's being a good soldier. which should be separate things! and i don't know the nuances of military command, but honestly, questioning the guy in charge seems like kind of a thing you need to do sometimes too, which maybe means the only choice is to bail

ANYWAY

DEAN You’re a selfish bastard, you know that? You just do whatever you want. Don’t care what anybody thinks. SAM That’s what you really think? DEAN Yes, it is. SAM Well, then this selfish bastard is going to California. DEAN Come on, you’re not serious. SAM I am serious. DEAN It’s the middle of the night! Hey, I’m taking off, I will leave your ass, you hear me? SAM That’s what I want you to do. DEAN Goodbye, Sam.

dysfunctional relationship written all over it, that couple that is always breaking up and making up. hard to watch. and this is just a tiny sliver of the iceberg o'brotherly angst to come. but also reminding myself that a) sam is only 22 and i think he had some flexibility to be childish in a way that dean never did. and i think it's pretty immature to just bail on the car and walk because you're disagreeing over doing what dad wants you to do. and we're establishing that sam (and dean) can be as stubborn as a mule. and b) i'm feeling the weight of the brother conflict from the entire series but trying to watch this with less baggage. so, chill out, friend

another little moment i could gif but won't waste my time again on, when sam says "that's what i want you to do" dean looks genuinely upset/taken aback briefly before he locks down his expression and says goodbye

i have got to finish this episode. it's like 45 minutes of thinking and rambling to watch a couple minutes then i'm like welp it's too late at night to finish it, guess tomorrow. x5

just call him!

they were testing my suspension of disbelief when i first watched this. that open, straight ass road, sam surely wasn't walking backwards long enough to not have reasonably been able to see her before getting right up on her, yet doesn't question how this girl just appeared at his feet. anyway, hi meg. (rip nicki aycox, passed away at 47 in 2022)

MEG You could be some kind of freak. I mean, you are hitchhiking.

there's that freak label again

that said, they had this all happen so flash bang boom and she's off with shady van guy and not trusting him but also being funny and cute, i can see how the logistics of her appearance maybe could have been distracted from

her big smile is kinda scary, i dunno if that was intentional lol. but padalecki did good in this, very natural. good stuff

s1e11 / the x-files s5e9 schizogeny

i'm doing it again. looking up for details on the xfiles episode that had a very similar looking orchard to see if they're the same 🤦focus! look at baby face dean's cute little scowl. and those apparently are hazelnut trees. shrubs. something. i had to confirm that apple trees really don't look like this so i don't know why they used it. kim manners was with xf at the time but didn't direct schizogeny (credited as producer). anyway! focus did not happen! it's been 15 minutes!

do it, babes!!! foiled by meg

DEAN You know, my brother could give you this puppy dog look, and you’d just buy right into it.

cracks me up that dean talking about sam's puppy face is canonical, to me it doesn't read as puppy much unless he's making it at dean like in home and faith - otherwise just kind of earnest and empathetic when he's dealing with other people. but also, dean, not gonna help your case not coming across as a creeper to these people by saying that lol

the sheriff literally driving him out of town

forgot how much he utilized the short over long sleeve look

MEG I love my parents. And they wanted what’s best for me. They just didn’t care if I wanted it. I was supposed to be smart. But not smart enough to scare away a husband. It’s just…because my family said so, I was supposed to sit there and do what I was told. So I just went on my own way instead. I’m sorry. The things you say to people you hardly know. SAM No, no, it’s okay. I know how you feel. Remember that brother I mentioned before, that I was road-tripping with? It’s, uh, it’s kind of the same deal. MEG And that’s why you’re not riding with him anymore? (SAM shakes his head. MEG raises her beer bottle.) Here’s to us. The food might be bad, and the beds might be hard. But at least we’re living our own lives. And nobody else’s.

it feels a little on the nose to have her story be so similar, but also can imagine in this situation it's like music to sam's ears to have someone who would understand so well where he's coming from

DEAN I’m actually on my way to a local community college. I’ve got an appointment with a professor. You know, since I don’t have my trusty sidekick geek boy to do all the research. SAM You know, if you’re hinting you need my help, just ask. DEAN I’m not hinting anything. Actually, uh—I want you to know….I mean, don’t think…. SAM Yeah. I’m sorry, too.

DEAN Sam. You were right. You gotta do your own thing. You gotta live your own life. SAM Are you serious? DEAN You’ve always known what you want. And you go after it. You stand up to Dad. And you always have. Hell, I wish I—anyway….I admire that about you. I’m proud of you, Sammy. SAM I don’t even know what to say. DEAN Say you’ll take care of yourself. SAM I will. DEAN Call me when you find Dad. SAM (sadly) OK. Bye, Dean.

ok i was not expecting to end up crying over this episode. dean acknowledging how he wished he could stand up to john like sam does, and was so sweet and forthcoming about being proud, and sam was ready to hear it, goddamn. but he wasn't ready for dean to let him go

MEG Who was that? SAM My brother. MEG What’d he say? SAM Goodbye.

sammy 😭 pushed so hard to forge off on his own do what he thinks is right but maybe he wants dean to rein him back in. and also want to acknowledge jared hit all the right emotions with that phone call with dean and this after. i think he can do the quiet moments well already

i love that they got william b davis for this little part. he brings all the creep factor especially for xfiles fans

dean's belly getting a surprising amount of screentime in s1

imagining kim manners, well if they won't let the boys have umbrellas, i'm getting a cool shot with these rando characters with umbrellas!

MEG But I don’t understand. You’re running back to your brother? The guy you ran away from? Why, because he won’t pick up his phone? Sam—come with me to California. SAM I can’t. I’m sorry. MEG Why not? SAM He’s my family.

❤️ i know that's right. also, "he's my family" not just "he's family" and with the softest expression. don't need to think or care about banging to ship this, they're just out there doing this stuff and being this way about each other and i eat it all up

DEAN How’d you get here? SAM I, uh—I stole a car. DEAN Haha! That’s my boy!

even more proud

DEAN So, can I drop you off somewhere? SAM No, I think you’re stuck with me. DEAN What made you change your mind? SAM I didn’t. I still wanna find Dad. And you’re still a pain in the ass. But, Jess and Mom—they’re both gone. Dad is God knows where. You and me. We’re all that’s left. So, if we’re gonna see this through, we’re gonna do it together.

my cup runneth over. of course, still have the hill to climb for sam to want to stay with dean for the long run, but. ❤️

DEAN Hold me, Sam. That was beautiful.

such an ass, he was just as mushy literally the day before LOL but the d in dean stands for deflect :p

good grief, man. this show! agh. i'm again reminded why it sucked me in. the overarching plot and monsters of the week are like, whatever, but the sam and dean of it all is so good. and what they established in these early days carried me through 15 seasons where i got increasingly frustrated with all of the non-sam and dean aspects, and overused sam and dean conflict, etc. truly a feat

and we find out meg is a baddie with her phone home to azazel via bowl o'blood

[mariska]

OH omg the other thing too about. rewatching the entirety of ATLA this month as someone who was a huge fan of it in my childhood as the episodes originally aired. is that watching it now, age 27, approx. 20-ish years later. was recognizing pretty much immediately on episode 1 that Aang is so incredibly adhd coded (i have no idea if that was intentional or not by the writers/creators pls do not quote me on that statement lol) and it now makes such clear perfect sense to me as an adult why i always loved him as a character and as one of the main characters in the show as a kid.

cus like. i have always been a huge lesbian, obviously, even though it took me a lil while to realize that in young adulthood, so as a kid my All Time Fav avatar characters were the girls. and very rarely did i like. truly genuinely care and admire and hyperfixate on boy protags of media i loved as a kid, but being unknowingly at the time an adhd autistic kid and struggling to just get through daily life in school and stuff in a way that was at all similar to my peers, i absolutely loved Aang as a character the same amount as i did for like Katara and Toph and Ty Lee and Azula and Suki and etc etc. and it really is a strange surreal and comforting kind of feeling to rewatch his whole hero's journey now in the later half of my 20's and see my 7/8-to-11 year old self in like So So Much Of His Whole Personality And Actions.

like OF COURSE he was such a big comfort character to me back then, i was coming home from school absolutely exhausted from masking and misunderstanding lessons that were not being taught to me in ways i could properly learn and comprehend and incredibly anxious and stressed from the physical and emotional toll of it all, completely unable to even verbally communicate any of those feelings properly to my moms or other adults in my life because i had no real words or terms to describe it with then, but knowing a new avatar episode was gonna be on tv later and always feeling like everything might be ok cus those guys are my friends and i feel so happy when i see them again and that little boy acts just like me and he's not a failure or a freak or anything awful, he's a hero and a leader and a good person and his friends love him for who he is even though he doesn't have the strongest attention span sometimes and struggles to learn the things he needs to learn in life and would rather spend time having fun with the people he cares about than carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. and he is still celebrated for all of that. which is like. all i wanted back then. to be loved and appreciated and respected and celebrated not despite of my neurodivergence and differences, but because of them, because it made me unique and it shaped who i was and why i did everything the way i did it and how i viewed the world around me.

like. idk if any of that makes proper sense typed out lmao it sounds more clear in my head but. yknow??? idk. theres just something abt watching media that originally meant Everything to me during a time in my life when i had no proper words to help me understand why i felt so incredibly different and strange and Bad as opposed to the other ppl my age around me and feeling the same connection to that character and his story and his personality at 27 yrs old as i did at 7 yrs old. some of those episodes really left me feeling like i went back in a time machine to give my kid-self a big hug. the little mini arc in the 3rd season with Aang going to that fire nation school while they're all undercover was like ESPECIALLY Hitting Me Like A Big Ass Truck, that was like a barely even fictional re-telling of my never fully finished public school experience it was really wild watching it again now so many yrs later. i think Aang is really one of my favorite media protagonists of all time. 🥺

[stammiviktor]

no but okay so I’ve always known that Yuri on Ice is a very ace show. Yuuri “Pork Cutlet Bowls are Eros” Katsuki has been demisexual in my heart (and fic) since forever. I’ve also always known that this show (specifically Yuuri’s struggles to embrace his sexual/sensual side in the front half of the show) has always hit closer to my heart than anything ever has before. I guess I just never fully connected the two.

It’s those early-season episodes that really got me on the rewatch, though. And I’ve noticed a few different piece that really hit me in the gut. The following is very non-exhaustive list:

(And I’m going to use my own experience here, though I know that this isn’t the experience of all ace people). 

1) Yuuri Debuts His Eros (ep. 2 and 3) — It’s incredibly difficult to embrace yourself as a sexual being when everyone around you is following the “normal path” of crushes/dating/hooking up and you simply aren’t. It makes you feel like a child and it makes other people look at you like a child, an incomplete person. It’s taking the Rice Purity Test in college and your new friends cooing at your crazy high score — and you don’t know how to tell them how shitty that feels, or that you’ve been writing explicit stories since middle school and are plenty sexual on your own, in private. Your inexperience with partnered sex make you feel like you aren’t worthy of claiming yourself as a sexual being. (Which may be something some ace people aren’t interested in; but for me it’s important.) 

This is what I see so much in Yuuri when he’s having his lil crisis after Viktor assigns him On Love: Eros. Yuuri knows how he’s perceived (or perhaps, he projects how he perceives himself onto the people around him)—so when presented with Agape and Eros, of course he expects he’ll be assigned the sweet, tender, unconditional love, and not the sensual, seductive eroticism. Trying to do the second is unthinkable. It’s that feeling of they’ll laugh at me, they’ll take one look at me and they’ll know that I’m a phony, playing pretend. And to some extent, that’s backed up by some people around him -- like Takeshi tells Yuuri, that playboy story doesn’t sound like you at all. 

What is Eros to Yuuri? He doesn’t know how to answer that. Something sensual, something luxurious. Something he wants but does not feel worthy enough to have. Katsudon. After he says that, he runs off mortified and says “they totally think my ideas are way too immature” -- there’s that “they think I’m a child” piece again.

The thing that’s so beautiful about the show, though, is the way this is handled (something @rikichie pointed out to me, that I didn’t fully realize). Viktor doesn’t bat an eye at Yuuri’s Eros of the Pork Cutlet Bowl. He encourages Yuuri by telling him to ‘imagine more the entangling of the egg’, totally devoid of any irony. It’s just feels so healing, that unthinking acceptance and encouragement. The utter absence of pity.

And the way they resolve Yuuri’s “I Can’t Be Erotic” crisis feels healing, too — because it’s basically just the sheer power of Viktor, his idol, believing he can do it. Even though Yuuri doesn’t know it, Viktor has experienced the force that is Yuuri’s sexuality when Yuuri was too drunk to repress it or feel shame, so knows that Yuuri’s sexuality is not some non-entity. 

It so easily could have been resolved differently—Yuuri’s eros “problem” could have suddenly been “fixed” by showing his sexuality awoken by sexual attraction to Viktor, which makes him finally worthy of expressing himself as a sexual being. But that’s not at all what happens. It’s not about his attraction to Viktor. Yuuri’s sexuality is allowed to live separately from his attraction to others. Yuuri is able to let his sexuality to see the light of day because Viktor, his idol, sees the whole of him. Viktor believes that Yuuri has a sexuality and should feel no shame at letting the world see it. And once Yuuri begins to see that he is right, he can finally let that part of himself breathe and grow without shame. 

2) A Love that Defies Labels (ep. 4 and 5) — I think as an aroace person I’m drawn to characters in relationships that defy the normal classifications and timelines and roles; pairings where the “what are we” question isn’t clear cut, where the societal script for relationship progression/labeling just doesn’t apply. And really, what better captures the spirit of this than Yuuri’s sentiment in the episode 5 press conference? 

Yuuri says that his love for Viktor isn’t something clear cut like romantic love. Until this recent rewatch, I guess I interpreted that as like... a line for the censors? It’s not romance everybody, it’s not gay, don’t worry. And maybe it serves that function a little bit. But in the story, Yuuri is saying that it’s something beyond what could be encapsulated by just the words “romantic love.”

I’ve been grappling a lot lately with what it is I’m not experiencing that other people seem to be. I’m spending so much time just trying to beat back the sadness about it with my bare hands, constantly needing to remind myself that romance is not the pinnacle of the relationship pyramid, but just one way to feel love, and the other ways run just as deep. To say a relationship is not romantic should not diminish it -- it just opens up all these other avenues of intimacy. 

There’s something healing, again, about the way Yuuri talks about the love between him and Viktor; the way he almost bypasses romantic love entirely, references it as an afterthought, just one piece of what he is experiencing. And the way he lumps his new, transformative love for Viktor in with his love of his friends and family... it just soothes a spot in me that’s aching. 

The episode 4 beach scene captures this, too. Viktor tries to get Yuuri to tell him what he wants him to be -- a boyfriend? -- and Yuuri shuts it down. He wants Viktor to be who he is. He doesn’t want either of them contorting into versions of themselves that they think they ought to be in order to fit some prescribed roles. They just are who they are, and they meet each other where they are. 

3) Yuuri’s sexuality is up for interpretation — Yuuri Katsuki is such an ace character, and I don’t even have to mean that literally for it to be true. He gets the honorary ace card, in my heart, because of how his arc makes me feel. But the cool thing is that you could read Yuuri’s sexuality to be pretty much anything except for straight. I don’t have an interest in saying there’s a right answer there.

Personally, I just so appreciate is that they wrote this show with a character who could be read as ace, but for whom that label does not mean he has no sexuality. That was such a rub with me (and I think many others) in coming to accept that label for ourselves. And while I’m sure there are plenty of aces for whom that’s an accurate or resonant way to think of themselves, there are plenty of others who couldn’t see asexuality on themselves until they reframed it — seeing it not as a lack of sexuality, but as a kind of self-contained sexuality. A sexuality that does not need an object of attraction to exist. To those people -- to me -- Yuri on Ice says, “You, too, can be a sexual or sensual being. You don’t need to prove yourself. You can just be.” 

Anyway, that’s just me. What about this character/show resonated with everyone else???

rewatching Yuri on Ice after realizing you’re ace HITS DIFFERENT

[collecting-stories]

Jellyfish - JJ Maybank

Request: Hey! I was wondering or you could do an outer banks imagine where like in season one the pogues leave kie, Sarah and reader on a boat, and the reader is the one getting stung by a jellyfish. The night goes on and she starts having an allergic reaction the jellyfish sting and her breathing starts to go bad and all dizzy. The girls have to call a mayday. And the sherif/ambulance boat? Comes and gets her or the pogues come back the next morning and she is not well at all. Then hospital. The pogues feel really badx Maybe reader x jj?  

A/N: I just started a rewatch of s1 tonight so I can finally watch s2...also I googled allergic reactions to a jellyfish sting for this. 

Outer Banks Masterlist

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

Sarah stood beside you, practically holding you up, as you emptied the contents of your stomach into the marsh for the fifth time in so many minutes. The boys plan to strand Sarah and Kiara on the boat hadn’t been a very clever one and when you had protested JJ had jokingly pushed you over the edge of the HMS, claiming that now you too were stranded with them. 

It wasn’t exactly how you’d planned to spend your night, especially with everyone on each other’s nerves as severely as they were, you’d been looking forward to taking advantage of that and spending the night back at your house with JJ. Instead, you were stranded on Heyward’s boat with Kiara and Sarah bitching at each other. Not to mention the angry red mark blossoming over your stomach from the jellyfish that had stung you as you’d tread water earlier.  

“I thought you said you could fix this stupid piece of shit!” Sarah shouted to Kiara as she rubbed her hand along your back. The juxaposition of her kindness to you and her edgyness with Kiara wasn’t lost on you...even as you felt your head swimming.  

“I gotta lay down,” you urged, hands gripping the edge of the boat as you rested your chin against the cool side, staring into the murky water. It was starting to get darker outside but you weren’t paying attention to that anymore. You felt like you were going to throw up again though this time it felt prompted by the dizzy feeling when you moved your head and not the pain shooting through your abdomen.  

“Okay, let’s lay down...do you want a blanket or something?” Sarah asked, eyes darting around the boat to check for any spare blankets or sweatshirts.

You shook your head, immediately regretting the action as your vision blurred. “No...no, it’s so hot.” When you struggled to get JJ’s shirt over your head without moving too much, Sarah grabbed the hem of the shirt and eased it up.  

“She doesn’t need your help!” Kiara yelled from the hatch, looking out at you with concern. You’d been fine earlier, before you’d boarded the boat with them, before the jellyfish stung you, but now you were doing worse and worse. She was trying to fix the boat but it was obvious that JJ and John B’s genius plan had included purposely sabotaging any chance they had of getting the boat back to shore.  

“Obviously, she does!” Sarah shouted back, “she’s puking over the side of the fucking boat! What was in that shit you rolled anyway?”

Kiara looked incredulous at the suggestion that it was the weed they’d smoked that made you like this, “oh cause I poisoned my best friend with weed? Is that it?”  

“Maybe!” Sarah shrugged, “how should I know.”

“Not helping,” you groaned, rolling to the side and pressing your hand against your stomach. “Kie...my stomach is killing me.”  

“What can I do?” She asked, coming back over to you and Sarah.  

“Call for the coast guard or something?” Sarah suggested, looking out over the marsh as if someone would just happen to be driving through. It was pitch black now, the night falling completely. It wasn’t too late yet, close to 9:30p Sarah supposed, but she wasn’t confident that this could last until morning. Who knew when the boys would come back?

“With what phone Sarah? The tower is down.”  

“Swim to shore or something then!” She snapped.

“Sure, no problem...why didn’t I think of that? I’ll jump in the fucking marsh in the pitch black and swim toward what I think might be land!” Kiara shouted.

“Guys,” you snapped, pulling yourself up to the edge of the ship again. You felt like you were going to throw up again but there wasn’t anything left in your stomach, “shut the fuck up! You aren’t helping...I know they messed with the boat, is the radio working?”

“Let me check.” Kiara stood up from your side and headed back to the controls, checking the radio. “I’ve got a signal!”  

You weren’t sure how long it took between Kiara signaling a mayday and the police boat actually coming out on the marsh because you passed out soon after she’d gotten the signal, slumped against Sarah, the pain in your side and abdomen too much for you to bear. Neither of the girls wanted to leave you overnight in the hospital, worried something would happen the second they left your side, so Kiara scribbled a note and left it taped to the window of the boat.  

Gone to the hospital – was all it said. Not very descriptive but extremely alarming, the boys had arrived at the emergency room frantic.  

“What the fuck kind of scare tactic was that Kie!” JJ had shouted down the hallway when he saw his friend outside one of the rooms. A nurse down the same hall shushed him as he passed her and he turned around to flip her off.  

“Excuse me but you three deserve it after the shit you pulled! Leaving us stranded out there with no communication? You’re lucky the radio worked.” Sarah hissed, shoving JJ when he tried to get passed her into the room.  

The second he’d seen her it had been clear the person who was missing, the one who was undoubtedly in the hospital bed in the room he was standing outside of. You’d gotten hurt, seriously if you were here, if they’d had to mayday a police boat.

“What happened?” Pope asked, quieter than his best friend had been able to muster.

“She’s allergic to jellyfish.” Sarah replied, turning a glare on JJ, “when this moron pushed her in the water she got stung and had a reaction.”  

“Is she okay?”

“She’ll be alright...she’s dehydrated though, so she’s on fluids for the rest of the – JJ!” Kiara snapped when he pushed passed her to get into the room. He moved the curtain aside to see you there, still a little out of it from the exhaustion of the night before but you smiled when you saw him.  

“Hey,” he dropped his voice down to a whisper, a contrast to the sharp scrap of the chair that he dragged to your bedside, “I’m so sorry.”

“Guess I’m allergic to something after all.” You managed to tease, recalling the conversation you’d had a few weeks earlier when JJ had begrudgingly given up the peanut butter and jelly sandwich he was trying to make at John B’s when you reminded him that he was highly allergic to peanuts.

He’d claimed that “maybe it went away”, a possibility you both knew to be impossible while you told him that you weren’t stabbing him with an epi-pen if he had an allergic reaction. “I would stab you, if you were allergic to anything,” JJ had replied, settling for jelly on toast instead. 

“That doesn’t make me feel better.” JJ said now, eyeing the bag of fluids that was connected to you via IV. “I would’ve been fine thinking you didn’t have any allergies.” 

“It’s not your fault JJ, it was an accident...I could’ve been stung a million times before this, we literally live on the coast.” You tried to laugh and coughed; throat still sore. JJ grabbed for the pitcher of water at your bedside and poured you a glass, leaning over to help you swallow.  

“Yeah but you didn't get stung a million times before this...you got stung after I pushed you in!”

“We should let you get some rest,” Pope’s voice sounded over JJ’s shoulder and you both looked over to where he was standing at the curtain. He smiled at you, a silent ‘glad you’re okay’ and ‘sorry’ rolled into one.  

You nodded, more than aware that you were on the verge of falling asleep again. Still, you reached for your boyfriend’s hand, settling for his wrist instead as he was still holding the plastic cup. “Will you stay?” you asked, eyes meeting JJ’s.  

“Yeah, of course.” He promised, sitting back down, “I’m not going anywhere.” He didn’t mention the absolute panic that had racked through him when he saw Kiara’s note or realized you were the one that was injured and he definitely didn’t tell you how severely he blamed himself for you getting stung in the first place, instead he just sat there holding your hand and promising that he would stay there with you until you were discharged. “Everything’s okay, you’re okay.”  

[corpsedaydream]

dreamlike

just sleepy/comfy vibes

lmk what u think

word count: 1.4k

_______________________________

dreamlike

You were fighting sleep and it was beginning to show. Your eyes had become glassy, you couldn’t go two minutes without yawning, your words were starting to slow, you’d gone from sitting up on the couch to slowly slouching down until you were laying down and you’d just dropped your phone on your face for the second time.

“Ow.” You whined out. And after rubbing over your face, your tired eyes found your boyfriends eyes looking back at you from his spot on the couch.

“Just go to sleep, baby, you’re so tired.” Corpse spoke as his hand rubbed over your leg that was draped over his lap. He’d told you about his plans for a 3am stream and you offered to be by his side in case he became anxious in the earliest hours of the morning, he was looking forward to you being with him for it until he saw how badly you were struggling to stay awake. Usually you were a bit of a night owl - perhaps not to the same extent as your boyfriend - but this morning you’d had to wake up extra early and it really messed with your plan to stay awake with Corpse.

“I’m okay.”

“You know you’ll wind up with a headache if you force yourself to stay awake.”

“I’m fine, I’m watching my show, it’ll keep me awake.”

“Tell me what’s happened in the last five minutes.” He was testing you because he knew damn well that when you watched anything half asleep, you weren’t ever paying enough attention. You had a habit of forcing yourself to stay awake for the last episode or two of a season when you were doing a binge watch of something, only to find yourself rewatching them the next day anyway, because you couldn’t really remember what happened with a sleepy mind.

“Well,” You looked at the television to look for some kind of clue, only to find that it had been paused. “It’s paused.”

“You didn’t even notice I paused it?”

“No...well, I mean, I did now.”

“(Y/N),” Corpse sighed, and he reached his other hand out to your face to hold your face gently around your jaw, turning your head back to face his. “Let me take you to bed, you need some sleep.”

“I’ll be okay.”

“I know you will be, but you’ll be a lot better not being exhausted.”

You knew what he was saying was right but it was already 1:30am, you kept telling yourself you could make another hour and a half for his stream to start. “I told you I’d stay awake with you.”

“You don’t have to worry about me.”

“But I do.”

“I know, and I worry about you, too, which is why I want you to be sleeping right now.” Corpse ended the brief back and forth. But you didn’t really have it in you to argue seeing as though you really were tired. It had been a pretty big day for you, it was just bad timing that it had been the same day before Corpse’s all nighter stream. You sighed and pouted out your bottom lip, to which Corpse smiled at you and his index finger flicked your bottom lip down further before letting it spring back up and you both giggled lazily.

“I am really tired.” You confirmed.

“I know.”

"Are you sure you don’t want me to stay up with you?”

“Not if it’s this much of a struggle for you.”

“You won’t be mad at me?”

“I will be furious.” Suddenly his grip tightened on your jaw and your eyes went wide for a moment. To which Corpse laughed, you always were so gullible when tired. “Baby, I’m kidding, of course I won’t be mad.”

Your eyes relaxed back into their tired state and his hand moved up the side of your face to rub along your cheek. You turned your head briefly in order to leave a soft kiss against the inside of his palm.

“You’ll be okay?” You asked him.

“Yes.”

“Come lay down with me while I fall asleep?”

With a confirmation from him, you’d made your way to bed, and Corpse had come to lay with you, but it seemed that you pretty much fell asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow. Proving just how tired you were. But he stayed with you for as long as he could, enjoying the serenity that came with you being in your most peaceful state. His heart warmed that you trusted him to be present with you in what was also a vulnerable state and how he’d swear he’d do all he could to protect you when he saw you like this, no other sound audible other than the quiet breaths that fell from your slightly parted lips. As he looked at your closed eyelids, he imagined what you would be dreaming about, how he wished that when he ever so carefully traced his fingertips around your relaxed features he could be grated access to your dreamland.

Suddenly, an alarm sounded from Corpse’s phone. “Fuck-” He hissed quietly, reaching for his phone to shut it off, not wanting it to disturb you. It was his reminder that he had to go and stream soon. Looking back to you, he noticed your eyebrows had furrowed ever so slightly, a threat that you were close to being awoken by the alarm. “Sorry, baby.” He whispered so hushed that even if you were awake, you probably wouldn’t have heard it. As things remained silent once more, he saw you visibly relax again and he knew that as he cautiously got up from the bed to make his way to his computer, you were venturing back to your dreams.

-

By the time Corpse’s stream had finished, the sun had woken up, it was officially daylight. He was feeling a little strange with the timing, and he felt as if he should be going to be sleep with the end of a stream, but he knew he most likely wouldn’t. However, there was something about going to bed that he had been looking forward to, it had remained in the back of his thoughts throughout the stream and that was the idea of crawling into bed beside you. Opening the bedroom door, a smile was present on his face as you were still there and still so serene. Your complete current energy of calm also bringing Corpse peace. He’d seen you in this sleeping state only hours earlier in the moonlight, but there was something about the early hours of morning daylight seeping in through the curtains that made you look so warm.

After discarding his clothes, he crept into bed as heedfully as he could in an effort to not disturb you. However, as he settled in beside you, he heard you sigh and let out a sleepy groan. Briefly, you opened one eye before quickly shutting it upon feeling the morning sun attack your just-woken-up eyesight.

“Good morning, baby.” Corpse had caught your eye that had quickly peeked open.

“Mm, mornin’.” You greeted him back, your voice croaky with sleep.

“Sorry for waking you up.” Corpse apologised, however, selfishly he was a little happy you had stirred awake, because he took the opportunity to twist his arms around you and pull you in against him, giving into his want to cuddle you close.

“S’okay.” You weren’t annoyed at all, in fact, you were so happy to have him back in bed with you. His arms coming around you were more than welcomed by you and you nuzzled in even closer to rest your face under his chin and against his neck. “Missed you.” You mumbled against his skin. Sleeping with Corpse by your side had become such a comfort for you. Much like how someone misses their bed when staying somewhere else, you now missed having him with you. In a response, he tightened his hold around you.

“Missed you, too.” He could already feel your breath evening out again, a sign you were falling back asleep, not quite ready to begin your day. But that was okay with Corpse, he would so happily wait like this. Now that his stream was over, he could just simply lay here with you, his hand that had snuck under your shirt rubbing mindless strokes and shapes against the skin of your back.

He shut his own eyes too, because if there ever was a time for him to reach sleep, it would be when your peace radiated right into him so selflessly. But even if he wasn’t able to reach his own dreamland, he was happy right there, because being there with you, once again, in this serene state was so dreamlike on its own.

[evakuality]

Matteo - Episode one

Okay bear with me.  I know I’ve talked about this season a LOT over the last couple of years but I’m not going to do a rewatch (or first watch in some cases) of the Druck seasons and not include this one.  And knowing me, I will be very verbose about this one because I do just love it so much.  Even though I already talked about it at length.

So, to mix things up, I decided to watch this one in real time mode.  Which has been both lovely (revisiting what it was like to follow along with everything back then) and really frustrating (revisiting what it was like to wait for clips back then).  But it’s been a good exercise, particularly with this episode because I didn’t get truly involved in the show til a couple of weeks later so there’s a lot I missed in terms of social media etc the first time around.  So let’s start there.

Social media: It was nice to get the stuff leading in to this season which I hadn’t seen before.  The decisions around moving into the new place and getting Matteo involved etc were all super cute.  I liked the stuff with Sam after her party and how they kept that story - at the time it must really have felt like an immersive thing moving from Mia’s story to Matteo’s.  The stuff around the flatwarming party is interesting too.  Matteo and Sara’s posts make it seem like they’re at two different parties.  Matteo’s has barely and hint of Sara at all whereas hers makes it seem like they were joined at the hip all evening and super happy together.  And then even through the week her things were much more focused on Matteo (and on Leonie’s crush on David) whereas again, with his Sara only comes up if he’s asked about her.  I know it’s very clear in the clips as well, but honestly, the texts and instagram posts etc really make it clear how much she had built this up in her head vs how indifferent he is to it.  One really interesting one is where she asks Leonie not to spread it around that she and Matteo are together.  It suggests that she already knows this isn’t what she wants it to be, but either through desperation or naivety or by lying to herself, Sara doesn’t allow herself to see it.  It’s very sad for her and I do feel for her a lot more than I ever did for Emma.

Clip one: I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again now.  I really really love this clip.  It’s a perfect introduction both to Matteo’s PoV and to all the themes of the season.  Matteo is surrounded by people through the whole thing, and on the surface and from the outside it probably looks like he’s slotted in and having a great time - he talks, he dances, he appears to be having a good time and his social media is curated to make it appear that way too.  But it’s clear since we’re in his PoV that he’s actually isolated and on the outskirts of what’s going on.  That’s done both in the music and sound (the way he fades in on the discordant, out of place note will always always get me as well as the way that the chatter and ‘reality’ of the party only comes into focus when Sara makes him kiss her) and in the conversations that are held.  The way the boys really do just focus on sex sets us up for Matteo’s explosion later where he accuses them of only talking about sex - which is sadly fairly true in these earlier episodes.  And Matteo tries to join in but all he manage is ‘that looks exhausting’ and ‘you bet’ when asked about him and Sara.  The fact that his contribution is about how exhausting sex (and by extension relationships) must be is really telling of his mind set.  Everything is too exhausting for him and he’s not ready to put in much effort at all.  The isolation goes deep with this boy and it’s all already so well shown in this first clip.  I like that we got hints of that through Mia’s season as well (and the seeds were planted in Hanna’s - what with his tagging along to the cabin and his stuff with his family etc etc), and so while this is a much more closed off and sad Matteo than we’ve seen before it’s not come out of the blue.  The fact that he’s still curating his social media to look like he’s happy and connected also reminds us that what we saw before isn’t necessarily what the truth was.

Clip two: I like how Matteo, unlike Isak, is clearly already very well aware of his feelings and his attraction to boys.  His pining over Jonas is both obvious and very sad.  He’s well aware that he can’t let anyone know, and the reminder with the number on Jonas’s arm is gut wrenching for him and for us to watch.  And then scattered through the whole episode is a lot of reminders that Jonas is a ‘player’ now - it’s shown by Jonas himself, by the boys teasing him, by Hanna’s sad little ‘I’m happy for him’ message etc etc.  And all of it serves to remind Matteo that he can never have what he’s wanted for so long.  So it’s no wonder that he removes himself from the situation to go get rolls or whatever it was that he bought.  The ‘I’m waiting for you’ banter would absolutely be the last straw.  Jonas can joke that he wants a guy, but Matteo knows that he’s not going to ever be able to have it be true for real.  As an aside, I can see why a lot of people thought Jonas might be GerEven at the time because a) Matteo’s thing has always been a lot more obvious and b) Jonas seems much more open and willing to consider the ideas.

Clip three: Well, I don’t have a lot to say about this one.  Except that !!!!! this first ‘meeting’ with David is so good and so well done and it works to rock both of them out of their little ruts and makes them both ‘wake up’ in a way.  It’s nothing, just a chance meeting in a hallway, two boys passing then looking back at each other.  But we can see just how much that one glance affected Matteo as he walks off and while we don’t see it in David as yet, he also makes reference to how knocked off course he felt when he met Matteo.  I have always liked that they’re in the same year and so on a real equal footing from the start and this is all part of that.  This moment affects both of them equally, knocking them out of their complacency, and it’s such a perfectly framed and filmed and edited moment.

Clip four: One thing I hadn’t noticed til this time around is that the girl who ends up sitting next to Jonas was at the back of the classroom, already sitting at a desk, earlier.  She obviously saw her moment and scrambled to take it - the second Matteo was out of his seat, she was in it.  Perhaps news of Jonas’s new ‘player’ status is getting out and she wants some of that action.  I really like that Matteo and Amira already clearly have a much more friendly history than Isak and Sana.  They’re both forced to work together by circumstances and a teacher, but here there’s already more of a history.  Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but Sana came to Isak but here Matteo goes to Amira.  That’s because of course Matteo more obviously stashed the weed on Amira and so he immediately knows who has it and where he has to go to get it back.  But it again makes him more proactive than Isak was at this early stage.  Amira is rightfully pissed at him - Sana was defending a friend from Isak’s shitty behaviour, Amira was herself affected and so she is much more firmly involved and has more reason to be cold.  Which works because in general Amira is softer and less aggressive and cold than Sana is so it fits for her to be directly angry for herself.

Clip five: ugh, so uncomfortable!!!  Sara is trying really hard to actually communicate with Matteo, and kudos to her for actually using her words, but it’s so painfully obvious how awkward and artificial this conversation is.  It’s not really a surprise that she doesn’t feel like this is totally settled as yet and asks Leonie to keep it to herself.  On the one hand, he agreed that they’re together (after making her make the decision) but on the other hand, he broke away from kissing etc so they could watch something together.  His words may be saying what Sara wants to hear, but his body language etc is saying something entirely different.  She deserves a whole lot better than Matteo and the way he’s using her, but I guess this is how it can be - he’s cute, he’s not totally rejecting her and so she lets herself believe.  

Clip six: well, again.  This clip does such a good job of properly introducing David with several hints to what’s going on with him but no actual answers.  It’s another example of two people talking at cross purposes, but where Sara lets it drop and the conversation dies out once she hears what she wants to hear, here David picks it up again once Matteo backs off.  Again, they are a good pair - equally invested and equally willing to set and respect boundaries and try to make connections in a safe way.  Imagine how this must look to David - this boy who did shake his world up a bit in their one small moment together (as another aside - ugh the wait between that first sight and this one is so long in real time!!!), is intriguing and interesting and asks him to go smoke with him.  Which is all very cool and David wants these connections and to make friends and this boy clearly appealed to him in some way at that first meeting.  But also, this boy is asking all kinds of invasive question which threaten the things David is trying to keep private, for example the pressing of ‘you’re new’ and how ‘weird’ it is to change schools at this point.  It’s no wonder David goes cold and distant and does his best to stay aloof.  But then of course Matteo respects that boundary and pulls back and so then David is able to make connections in a safer way, talking of things that matter to him but which aren’t quite so confronting for a first chat.  Detroit, running away etc and Matteo shows that he gets it and understands those impulses.  And so by the end they’ve fairly quickly established a connection and a rapport and so Sara’s intrusion is unwelcome to both of them.  Given that David literally runs away when she appears, I wonder how much he knows of her from their shared class.  She certainly doesn’t seem to know much except that he’s the guy Leonie likes.  Speaking of which, Matteo’s ‘I think that’s someone else’ is so bizarre in this situation.  He’s talking to a ‘new’ kid at school and Sara made it clear that Leonie likes the new kid, so he shouldn’t be surprised.  But it’s obvious he already wants David for his own and acknowledging that Leonie may also like him is too much, I guess.  After Jonas and his string of people hanging off him, I doubt Matteo wants to be caught up in something similar with David.  We’ve already seen how painful a crush on an uninterested guy is for Matteo and how much of himself he has to hide away - no wonder he wants David to be ‘someone else’ and actually be someone he can think about in that way after they started to make a connection.

[nugnthopkns]

it all pours out after dark

word count: 5.8k

warnings: insinuated!fem reader, cursing, mentions of alcohol (but no consumption), expressions of self doubt

recommended listening: the knife | maggie rogers

series masterpost: here

a/n: first installment of hiiapl!! very excited about what’s to come. here is some bffs/roommates to lovers with petey :))

Elias’s friendship was a welcome surprise.

You hadn’t expected much when you met the Swede – after all, you were serving at the annual Canucks charity gala and he was the rookie poised to win the Calder trophy. There were a million other things you would have rather done than spend a Saturday evening walking around in sky high stilettos and passing out flutes of champagne, but the catering company paid generously, and you needed to come up with the funds for your next tuition installment. Vancouver may be beautiful, but it’s incredibly expensive.

So you spent the night with a kilowatt smile plastered on your face, staying silent in the background and making sure no one’s glasses were ever empty. You were barely legal to handle alcohol, freshly nineteen and waiting for an opportunity to experience the city’s nightlife for yourself. There was no way you should be regulating the alcohol consumption of adults but you were doing it anyways. The tips were very generous, more than you should have probably been receiving, but you accepted them with a smile because the athletes making millions could certainly afford it.

No one paid you any attention, but you didn’t mind. The night was beginning to wear on you and the event didn’t plan on stopping for another couple of hours. You debated on what to do with your tray while you tried to work out the knots that were forming in feet from standing for so long.

“Let me hold that for you,” a gentle voice sounded from behind you.

When you turned around you were face to face with Elias Pettersson. “That won’t be necessary,” you stated, tone kind but firm. If your supervisor caught you, you would have been fired immediately.

He didn’t take no for an answer. “Please,” he urged, thick accent ringing out in the space between you. “Your feet are going to cramp. Take your shoes off for two minutes.” The English was broken, but you appreciated the sentiment. He really wanted to help.

After a little more insisting from the blonde you agreed, and he diligently stood watch to ensure you wouldn’t get in trouble. It was a relief to be out of the torturous constraint of your shoes for a few moments, and you thanked him profusely.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, a small smile on his face. Shouting erupted from some other players then, looking for him.

“You better get back before they miss you too much.” You nodded in the direction of the voices, to which he begrudgingly agreed. Elias handed you back the tray of champagne flutes before taking one for himself.

He was about to fade into the crowd when he turned to face you again. “I never caught your name,” he stated.

“It’s Y/N.”

“Elias.”

With that he disappeared into the throng of people. You never expected to hear from him again, chalking it up to a kind interaction with a stranger, but a day later he had messaged you on Instagram after searching through the countless profiles that shared your name and were located in the general Vancouver area. Conversation flowed easily between the two of you, and you became fast friends.

☼☼☼☼

That first meeting was nearly four years ago, and countless memories had been made since then. You treasure your friendship with Elias, and truthfully it’s the one you hold closest to your heart. This could be because over the years you’ve developed a small crush on the lanky blonde, but it’s a secret you’ll take to the grave. No one knows of your true feelings for Elias, and no one ever will.

“E? I’m home,” you shout into the quiet apartment, wondering if he’s home from morning skate yet.

After you completed your undergraduate degree and your lease ended, Elias insisted you move into his spare bedroom. The offer was too tempting to resist – you got to live with your best friend and continue your education in a city you adore. Moving your stuff had been a bit of a pain, but your life fit seamlessly into Elias’s. The two of you worked well as roommates, and over the past few months the space began to reflect not just Elias, but you as well. Hair ties were randomly thrown on counters and the bookshelves began to fill.

You’re setting the few groceries you picked up from the local market on the counter when he comes down the hall.

“Hi sunshine,” Elias says softly, voice riddled with sleep. He must have returned home earlier than you thought and had a quick nap.

You smile at the nickname. Elias had gifted it to you early in your friendship when you were in a terrible mood. He had meant it sarcastically at first, but it stuck. Now he hardly calls you by your name.

“How was practice?”

“Really tough,” he admits, moving behind you to place the apples in the fridge. “Coach is being hard on us because we aren’t performing well.”

You frown but hold your tongue. Your degree in sports psychology tells you that isn’t the way to improve players’ morale, but Elias doesn’t like it when you lecture him on what the Canucks staff are doing wrong. He knows things aren’t perfect within the organization and hopes desperately the situation will improve when they start winning again.

The two of you put the rest of the food away in comfortable silence and then unwind by watching numerous episodes of House. You had recently decided to give the medical drama a rewatch, and Elias’s interest was piqued by the snarky physician who always saves the day. It’s become your favourite way to relax and it seems that both of you need it today.

“How does Wilson do it?”

You’re perplexed. “Do what?”

“Put up with House,” Elias sighs. “He’s an asshole.”

Laughter tumbles from your lips. “The same way I deal with you, grumpy.”

“No,” he scoffs, tossing a pillow in your general direction. “You’re House and I’m Wilson, sunshine. Being an asshole is how you got that nickname in the first place.”

You couldn’t argue with Elias’s point – he was right. Between the two of you, you’re the one most likely to be snarky with your anger and he’s more likely to shut himself off from the rest of the world. “Fuck off,” you giggle. 

When Elias crawls on top of you and drops his weight you don’t flinch. You’ve become accustomed to his casual yet spontaneous displays of physical touch, and by now the two of you can frequently be found with your limbs tangled together. 

The rest of your afternoon passes in the blink of an eye. You fall asleep a few episodes in, and you assume Elias did as well because when you wake up his body is still pressed against yours. Once your eyes adjust to being awake, you notice it’s well into the evening. Your stomach rumbles and you decide you have to get up. 

“E,” you say softly, not wanting to completely disrupt his rest. The season is off to a rougher start than everyone hoped for, and he hasn’t been sleeping well. 

There’s no response from the boy on top of you so you try again, voice a decibel or two louder. “Elias, please let me up. I’ve gotta start dinner.”

“Mhmm,” Elias murmurs, not opening his eyes. “Or you could just stay here. You’re so warm.”

You roll your eyes. “Dude, we’ve got to eat. Come on.”

He doesn’t move. In fact, he presses more weight on you, effectively trapping you on the couch. “We can just order food in a bit,” Elias suggests. “Please just stay and nap a bit longer.”

That’s all it takes to convince you, and you let your eyes flutter shut again. In the comfort of your best friend sleep comes easy, and neither of you move far from the couch for the rest of the night. 

The next few days are incredibly busy, and you don’t see Elias much. School is heating up and you’re struggling to stay afloat. In an effort to get the team to put up a few wins, the Canucks organization is holding extra practices and development workshops in between games, so Elias is barely home. When he is he’s exhausted and spends most of his free time in his room, chatting with friends at home or playing video games. 

You do your best to not let the distance bother you, but not being able to have a conversation that lasts more than fifteen minutes before one of you is running out the door is wearing you down. You miss your best friend. 

Elias is set to go out with some of the younger guys on the team this evening, and though he invited you, you’re in a graduate student society meeting until well after they’re supposed to be leaving. He deserves the time to unwind, but a part of you is jealous he actually gets it. Both of you have been running around like chickens with your heads cut off and it seems like Elias can finally slow down. You on the other hand cannot. 

Approximately twelve million things go wrong throughout the course of the day. First, you left your lunch and wallet at home, leaving you unable to eat. Then your advisor was late to your meeting and insisted it was your fault. To top everything off, the graduate student society dismissed your proposal for more funding into public outreach programs. You really, really wanted to be at home.

The door to the apartment is unlocked upon your arrival home, which you find strange. Elias isn’t one to forget to lock it on his way out the door. Brock was terrible about remembering that sort of thing, so you assume he was the last one out. You open it with a sigh and kick off your sneakers. It has been a long day, and you’re looking forward to opening the bottle of wine you picked up with groceries last week.

It doesn’t dawn on you that Elias’s shoes are still by the door or that the living room light is on. You’re so preoccupied with getting comfortable you don’t realize you aren’t alone until you hear a voice from down the hall. 

“Rough day sunshine?”

Elias is standing at the end of the hallway, staring at you intently. It’s as if he can sense the tension rolling off your shoulders. 

“Yeah,” you sigh. “I thought you were going out with the guys?”

He just shrugs. “Didn’t really feel like it. Besides, I knew you were having an off day because you didn’t text me on your lunch break so I wanted to be here for you.”

You nearly tear up from his words. Elias is a lot of things, and kindhearted is certainly one of them. “Go have a shower,” he insists, “And I’ll start dinner.”

“Thanks E.”

A hand comes up to ruffle your hair on his way by. “Don’t mention it.”

The two of you spend the night tucked against each other, eating pasta and telling stories. You never make it to the fridge to get that bottle of wine, but you don’t mind because during your shower Elias made hot chocolate for you both. Conversation flows into the early morning, and by the time you head to bed you can’t remember why you were upset in the first place. 

☼☼☼☼

The season drags on. The Canucks still aren’t playing well, and it’s beginning to wear on Elias. He’s spending more time in his room, reviewing tape and tweaking his workout regime to achieve maximum results. You worry he’s beginning to isolate himself and that it won’t be good for his mental health. 

“Do you want to go hiking tomorrow?” you ask him at dinner. The team has a rare day off, and the coaching staff want them to decompress before leaving on a long road trip. 

Elias shrugs, not looking up at you as he continues to cut his vegetables. “Not really sunshine. I have some clips I need to watch.”

You sigh loud enough to make him feel bad, and his eyes meet yours. “E, you need a break. Let’s go to that trail you like and just relax for a while. I’ll pack a lunch and we can just go slow.”

Whether or not he’s just appeasing you or genuinely wants to go you aren’t sure, but Elias agrees. He places a hand on your shoulder in silent thanks before loading his plate into the dishwasher and retreating to his bedroom. You take it as a victory, however small, and are glad he didn’t completely shut down the idea. The rest of the night is quiet, with you finishing a book and falling asleep on the couch. 

Neither of you are quick to rise in the morning but it doesn’t matter. There’s no timeline for your upcoming adventure so long as you’re back before dark. You make it to the kitchen before Elias and take it upon yourself to make breakfast for the two of you. It’s nothing fancy, just oatmeal, but your best friend appreciates it when he finally makes an appearance. Elias looks like he slept for a maximum of three hours, and you have half a mind to tell him you’ll take a rain cheque, but you know he needs a change of pace. 

The two of you chat idly throughout the meal but it isn’t tense or awkward. Neither of you are completely awake, and both like time to reflect in the morning. It’s nearly an hour later when you meet Elias at the door. You grab your keys, much to his surprise. 

“What?” you shrug.

Elias cocks a brow in your direction. “You hate driving on the highway.”

He’s right – you have no issues navigating the traffic riddled streets of Vancouver, but as soon as you get out of the city and onto the freeway you freeze up. 

“Gotta get over my fear at some point. Come on superstar.”

There’s no complaint from Elias, and you suspect he’s secretly relieved. Driving isn’t his strong suit either but you know he does it so you don’t have to. The ride is quiet, and once you hit the city limits the car feels lighter, as though Elias left all his stress behind. Some lo-fi playlist trickles through the speakers as you get closer to your destination. It isn’t your kind of music, or Elias’s for that matter, and you’re pretty sure Brock gave him the link. The parking lot is empty when you arrive, and you back into a spot with ease. 

Usually Elias would comment on your driving quirk, teasing you because ‘no one under the age of sixty-five backs into a parking space’, but he’s quiet. You wonder if he even noticed. Nerves about the possibility of a far-away look in Elias’s eyes subside when he scrambles to get out of the car. 

“First one to the top wins,” he shouts, metres ahead of you as you double check to make sure the car is locked. You let out a full laugh but don’t try to catch up – he’s going to win anyway so you might as well enjoy yourself. 

The hike does wonder for Elias. Just being outside, in the fresh air that doesn’t hold any expectation of who he should be, is enough to lighten his mood considerably. You trail behind him the entire time, allowing yourself to marvel at his beauty from afar. The longer you live with Elias, the harder it’s becoming to mask your feelings. A couple of times he pauses to wait for you to catch up, and once at the top of the small summit he lifts you into the air in triumph.

“Alright E, put me down,” you giggle, squirming out of his grip. He obliges and places you back onto the rocky surface as though his previous act was the easiest thing in the world. 

The two of you marvel at the view from the top of the mountain for a bit longer before making the trek back down to the car. Halfway down the trail you fall behind significantly, exhausted from not only hiking up a mountain, but worrying about Elias and stressing over some school deadlines that are rapidly approaching. Elias slows his steps so you can catch up, and insists you jump up to piggy-back the rest of the way. You try to protest but he isn’t having it. Eventually you give in and doze off with your face tucked into the crook of his neck. 

You let Elias drive home, too worn out to think about the traffic you’ll inevitably hit. When you get home you allow him to tuck you into bed, and don’t tease him when presses a kiss to the crown of your head. 

The road trip both flies by and drags on. At home, you're busy with school, work, and taking care of Brock’s dogs. Coolie and Milo have become a welcome responsibility, and truthfully you love having them around. They make the absence of Elias less apparent. Each night you curl up on the couch, a dog on either side, and watch the game intently. The Canucks seem to be on the up, winning the first three games with ease. It’s like something has clicked between them and on-ice communication is no longer a problem. However, that changes quickly, and they lose the entire back half of the trip. 

You do your best to comfort Elias from afar – sending him periodic text messages of encouragement, random memes you find on instagram, and calling after every game. The streak of misfortune is getting to him, and it’s beginning to affect his play. He adds only one point the entire trip, an assist that didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things since they were blown out of the water. When you talk to him it’s easy to hear how upset he is, and you imagine he’s hearing a lot worse than what you’re telling him from the coaching staff. It makes your blood boil – how they’re treating him – but you’re helpless. Nothing you can say will undo the potential damage. 

The Canucks get back late, and you’re tucked into bed with the dogs, nearly asleep. You’ll return Brock’ pets in the morning. If you hadn’t had a disastrous meeting with your advisor you would’ve met them at the airport, seeing as it’s Friday and you often don’t go to bed until well into the morning, but your body is thoroughly exhausted. 

You don’t hear the door open and are only alerted to a new presence because the dogs perk their ears. Footsteps echo through the silent apartment, and you think you can hear Elias grumbling in Swedish. He makes no attempt to find you so you assume he thinks you’re sleeping. You should be. Up until three minutes ago you were on the verge of sleep, but now you wait with baited breath to see if you can hear any indicators to Elias’s mood. 

A door closes and seconds later the shower turns on, so you assume he’s feeling alright. Most certainly not great, but well enough to maintain his normal routine. You don’t try to move, knowing you’ll talk to him in the morning, and finally allow yourself to commit to sleep. There’s a few minutes of bliss where you’re almost unconscious, but your slumber is disrupted by a quiet knock at your door.

“Sunshine?”

Elias’s voice sounds like a different type of exhaustion that you’ve never heard, and you know right then that you won’t deny him entry to your room.

“I’m awake E,” you mumble, praying he can hear you because you spoke so softly. The door creaks open and you can just make out his facial features in the dark.

Standing tentatively in the doorway, Elias looks at you with tear-rimmed eyes. “Y/N, I think I’m going to get benched.”

☼☼☼☼

His suspicions were, unfortunately, right. The decision to bench Elias had apparently been made on the plane ride home, but he wasn’t informed until the team meeting after practice the next morning. You knew something bad had happened because when he came home there was no conversation. He slipped through the door like a ghost and disappeared into his room. You knew better than to go after him right away – Elias is the type of person who needs to process his emotions alone before sharing them with others.

You busy yourself with editing the chunk of your thesis proposal that has occupied your brain for the past few weeks. It’s getting closer to the end of your first year of graduate school, and you need to get approval for your topic soon. You hope to research the effects of locker room speech on athletes’ mental health. The focus group will be the Vancouver Whitecaps, and you’re excited to work with them. Your advisor has some personal connections and pulled a few strings to get you the gig and you’re extremely thankful.

An hour or two passes before Elias pads his way into the main living area. Wordlessly he flops onto the couch and holds his arms up in the air. You can read Elias like a book – you know he wants you to stop working and lie on top of him. The action brings him comfort, which he desperately needs in this moment, so you don’t have an issue with it. On your way over you grab a banana from the fruit bowl and offer it to him. He takes it, but sets it gently on the coffee table.

Once you’re settled, Elias wraps his arms around your body, holding you to him like he’s scared you’ll slip through his fingers otherwise. You absentmindedly trace patterns on his forearms for a while, letting the silence soothe him.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

It’s a shot in the dark, you know, but you try anyway. Elias doesn’t answer, instead asking you what you did while he was gone. You indulge him, knowing it’s the only way to take his mind off the heartache, and narrate the menial chores you did in painstaking detail. It seems to help, and eventually Elias brings his own anecdotes into the conversation, telling you something dumb Brock had whispered in his ear at practice.

Eventually Elias has to get ready to go to the rink. Though he isn’t playing he’s expected to be there, dressed sharply and watching from the press box. You help him as best you can – ironing his favourite tie and filling his lucky mug with just the right amount of coffee.

He gives you a short hug in thanks before bending down to tie his dress shoes.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come?” you ask. “I can easily get a press pass and we could sit together.”

Elias shakes his head. “You have work to get done. I’ll be fine sunshine,” he says, doing his best to convince himself along with you that everything will be alright.

You watch him open the door and gingerly blow him a kiss as he turns to wave goodbye. It’s a silly ritual the two of you started a few years ago, before you’d moved in with Elias. He insisted you spend time with him before each home game, which meant you wound up cooking dinner and making sure he drank enough water. To annoy him you started blowing him kisses as he left, and the tradition continued once his place became yours. Elias catches it with his left hand and blows one back.

Not much work gets done while Elias is gone. You’re too worried about him to focus on your proposal and end up with your eyes glued to the television as you watch the game. The Canucks desperately need a win, something you hope they can get so your best friend can be put back into the lineup. Your eyes zero on Elias every time the camera pans to him sitting in the rafters, and your heart breaks each time you see the defeated look in his eyes. It seems to have worsened since he left home.

The game does not go well for the Canucks. It’s as if the team isn’t communicating with one another on the ice, and a lot of passes don’t connect. Shots aren’t on goal either – you know Elias is fuming from within the press box. He feels responsible for the team’s deterioration even though he isn’t playing. You watch the rest of the game with furrowed brows and think of ways you could support Elias. 

After sharing a space with him for almost an entire trip around the sun, you know Elias doesn’t like ‘grand’ gestures. He’ll hate if you draw him a bath, and besides, that’s not something roommates or best friends do for each other. That’s strictly reserved for romantic partners – something you’re sure you will never be to Elias. Ordering food is out of the question because he refuses to eat after nine-thirty, and sure it’ll be past ten before he walks through the door. You settle on warming up his favourite blanket in the dryer and making the both of you a cup of tea. If he wants to take them into his room to spend time alone and decompress that will be okay with you. 

Your phone chimes from its resting place on the kitchen counter. Wondering if it’s a friend wanting an explanation to Elias’s absence from the game, you grumble on your way to the device. The notification is from Elias himself, and you open it with baited breath. You know he’s devastated and pray he’s only letting you know he’s on his way home, not sharing bad news. 

Heading out now. Probably going to get stuck in traffic, got any sad song recommendations?

The message makes your heart break, but you respond with a playlist link that features your favourite songs to cry to. A short message is tacked on to the end to let him know you’re always ready to support him. 

Hopefully this fits the mood. I’m here for you. 

Elias’s response fills you with a small bit of hope. 

I know.

You set your plan into motion, and finish pouring the boiling tea into your favourite mugs as the door opens. 

“Hey,” you say tentatively, not sure what Elias’s mood will be like now that he doesn’t have to have his guard up. “I made you a cup of tea and there’s a blanket in the dryer that should still be pretty warm.”

“Thank you,” he mumbles, but it doesn’t make his words any less sincere. You can tell Elias is drained in every sense of the word by looking at him, and you decide you aren’t going to push him to talk tonight. The communication can come a bit later. 

The blonde trudges down the hallway to the small room where you keep the laundry and reappears moments later wrapped in the plush navy blanket you had prepared for him. Elias doesn’t even bother to change, too exhausted to get out of his suit. You blow some of the steam away from his mug before picking it up and padding over to where he’s sitting on the couch. Elias takes the mug gratefully, and tries to smile at you in thanks. It comes out more like a grimace. 

It’s silent as the two of you sit side by side, staring out the large window at Vancouver’s skyline. The absence of noise isn’t as unsettling as you feared but it still puts you on edge. You can tell Elias’s emotions are beginning to boil over, and you aren’t sure what to do about it. 

“It’s my fault,” he says, voice small and fragile. 

When you turn your head to see him, you’re met with two ice blue eyes brimming with tears. Your heart breaks for what feels like the hundredth time that night. “Elias, listen to me,” you urge, grasping his hands in yours. “The game wasn’t your fault. You not being on the ice did not cause the team to lose.”

Elias scoffs and rolls his eyes. For a split-second, hurt seeps into your bones, but you dispel it because you know he’s upset and didn’t mean to be so abrasive. 

“Not the game!” he shouts, anger clearly winning the mental battle of what emotion to present. “The entire fucking season. We’ve played like shit all year and it’s my fucking fault.”

“Elias,” you say as calmly as possible, knowing it’s important for one of you to be rational. “You’ve consistently put up points all season, and you’re only going through a short dry spell. You pick up the slack where needed and try your hardest to succeed. You’re a damn good teammate and the best hockey player I know. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.”

It’s then he breaks, collapsing into your wide open arms and sobbing. You hold him close to your chest, afraid that if you let him go he’ll disappear in front of your eyes. The sounds of his ragged breathing and your gentle encouragement bounce off the walls until all you can focus on is his heart rate returning to something in the ballpark of normal. Elias cries for an unknown amount of time and you don’t even bother to calculate it. He needed to let everything go – hopefully he can now turn the page on the past couple of months. 

When he seems like he’ll respond again, you speak. “I know they put a lot of pressure on you, and I know that you’re a professional athlete, but what they’re doing to you isn’t right. E, you don’t deserve to feel like this, regardless of how you’re playing or where the team is in the standings.”

“I just don’t know what to do,” Elias hiccups. “Everything has become a lot lately, and it keeps piling up. It’s affecting my play, and I just want the team to be successful. I want to be successful.”

You wrap your arms around him tighter and card your hands through his hair. “You are successful, and don’t you dare let anyone tell you otherwise. I’m always available to talk, but if you’d like I can book you an appointment at the clinic and you can talk to someone who’s actually qualified.”

“You’re so close to being fully qualified,” he encourages, always wanting to make sure you matter too. “But that would be really nice. Thank you.”

“Don’t sweat it.”

That phrase had first confused Elias when you first directed it towards him, but he now understands it’s your way of saying ‘Of course. I’d do anything for you’. You rarely use the phrase with anyone else, and it makes him feel special inside. 

Eventually you untangle your limbs from Elias’s, getting up to refill your mugs and insisting he change into clothing that’s more comfortable. He’s gone a lot longer from the couch than you are, and you begin to worry he won’t be reappearing. The creaking of a hinge wrangles you free from your thoughts. Elias pads back into the living room, dressed in a pair of ridiculously patterned pyjamas you had bought him two Christmases ago. 

“Hey,” he practically whispers. “Can I tell you something?”

You do your best to keep the alarm you feel from appearing on your face. After the conversation you just had, his mind could be going in a million different directions. “Always,” you reply, volume matching his. 

“If it weren’t for you, I don’t know if I’d still be playing hockey.” You make a sound of protest, but Elias doesn’t let you form it into a thought. “I’m dead serious. The night we met? I was a wreck. Sure, I was in the middle of a rookie season most players dream of, but I was so miserable. I cried every night on the way home from the rink and felt completely alone. You were the first person in Vancouver that didn’t expect anything of me, that still doesn’t. I’m so fucking thankful for you. I love you.”

Tears flow freely from your eyes and you raise the sleeve of your sweater to wipe them away. Elias isn’t one for heartfelt confessions – that’s much more your style. He shows his appreciation through random acts of kindness, so you deeply treasure his words. 

“I love you too E.”

He shakes his head. “You don’t understand,” he insists. “I really love you. I don’t mean it platonically, and I never have.”

You’re sufficiently shocked. “Don’t say something you don’t mean,” you mumble, pushing off the couch to go hide in your room. 

It’s Elias’s turn to grab your hand. His grip is gentle but still firm enough to let you know he isn’t going to drop the conversation. 

“Why wouldn’t I mean it?”

“Because,” you sigh, “You’re Elias fucking Pettersson. You’re the star centre of an NHL team and there’s a million other people better suited for you than me! Sure, I might be head over heels for you but we aren’t on the same level. I’m your best friend E, and that’s okay. I can live with that. What I can’t live with is you letting emotion get the better of you and confessing something that isn’t true. You’re grateful for my support, and I think we should just leave it at that.”

He shakes his head fervently. “This isn’t a spur of the moment decision Y/N,” Elias says. “I’ve been debating telling you for months, but the season kind of derailed my plans and got in the way. I love you.”

Before you can process the gravity of his words, Elias is pressing his lips to yours in an effort to show just how sincere he is. You falter for a split-second, shocked that this isn’t a dream – your best friend, who you’ve had a crush on for years, is in love with you and you’re in the process of kissing him – but you recover quickly. Kissing Elias feels like a long awaited homecoming. It’s as though you’ve found true peace, and nothing will ever be as good as your lips connecting. You lose yourself in him quite easily, and only focus to your surroundings when he pulls away to look in your eyes.

“So,” Elias sheepishly tucks a misplaced strand of hair behind your ear. “Think I could take you out, like on an actual date?”

You beam at him, leaning forward to place a chaste kiss to his lips. “That can most certainly be arranged.”

☼☼☼☼

taglist: @jamiedrysdales @kiedhara @tortito @boqvistsbabe @iwantahockeyhimbo​ if you want to be added just shoot me an ask :)

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

it wasn’t power i coveted; it was acceptance.

Titans 3.06

y’know, i was just thinking the other day that 1.06/1.07 and 2.06/2.07 were the best episodes of their respective seasons, so i have great hopes going in to this one. fingers crossed!

as always, typing this up as i see the episode.

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. oh! um... that was a Cold Open, all right. *nudges* get it? cold? because it’s snowing? and two people got murdered in cold blood? eh?

... oh, i’ve just started.

1.5. i wonder if “i want to be sipping pina coladas on a beach with you” is the new “i’m just one day away from retiring.” i was so on edge after that--i kept expecting that car to explode. even so, the way they died wasn’t an anticlimax: brutal, and quick. 

1.75. so i’m assuming that’s the titular lady vic! this show better bring up why this doll was important or why these two cops needed to be killed, and not leave it to the ether like jericho’s little mindscape jaunt in 2.08 (i’m still dying to know what that was about???)

2.

i love how deliberately unappealing wayne manor is. 

(sorry for the pic quality. i don’t have hbo max! ssshhh.)

2.3. i love the many references to “home” and “our house” when they’ve been here for less than a week and saw one of their friends get blown into pieces. i mean, i unironically love it: home is where family is, after all!

2.5. i’d like to say that kom is playing some sort of long game here, especially given the build-up we had last season and some of the more niggling details this season: why did kom choose now to use her bond to lure kory when she’s been on earth for months? why did justin call kory now, just around the time that she started getting kom’s visions? and what about kom’s ability to exactly imitate other people? hmmm.

2.75. the reason i wrote i’d like to say is that i’ve made the mistake of assuming plot complexity where there is none; i was so invested in the jason todd orchestrated his own death theory for instance, when it turns out that oops! ra’s al ghul just happened to leave a little lazarus puddle in gotham, and oh yeah! scarecrow just happens to have a network of henchmen working for him on the outside and a fully functional laboratory and a weapons cache fit for a new supervillain in the basement of the high security psychiatric unit/prison that he’s in! 

(no i’m not bitter, why do you ask)

2.8. iiiii don’t know what to say about the implications of sex slavery being a thing on tamaran, so i’m not going to say anything at all. for now.

3. gotham, six years ago... wasn’t it five years before s2 that jericho died and the titans disbanded? and when was the flashback from 1.06 where dick let zucco die? i think it was after the events of 2.08: jericho? i can’t seem to find any transcripts or reliable information online, so i’m going to have to rewatch 1.06 at some point. 

(i love the old-fashioned batman music in this heist scene)

3.5. “security is a joke... it’s my way of keeping my dad on his toes”. what you’re an ethical thief now, like an ethical hacker? i don’t think that excuse is going to sell, barbara, on the day you do encounter a decent security system and your father is forced to arrest you.

(then again, gotham’s security is piss-poor. did you know that you could just walk into arkham asylum without any official clearance, ply one of its most dangerous inhabitants with contraband, and said inmate could get away with having an entire laboratory and weapons cache--NO I’M NOT GOING TO LET THIS GO)

3.8 so that flashback between dick and barbara was really cute! and also illuminating:

a) dick sounds so light, so... um. look. i have some apologies to tender to mr thwaites, because while i’ve always thought he does a fine job as dick grayson, i’ve never been terribly fond of his cadence as he delivers dialogue. it’s often monotonous, i thought, but then again, he’s usually delivering exposition or dealing with one soul-crushing crisis or the other. so i was pleasantly surprised to hear dick sound so carefree and alive in his conversation with barbara, laughing frequently, his emotions so bare and bubbling to the surface. it’s really a fantastic contrast to the traumatised and world-weary dick grayson that we see now, even more so than the costume department just bunging a backwards-baseball cap on mr thwaites’ head and hoping that will convince us of his relative youth. 

b) and god, when he wakes up from that memory, all alone in his bed, bleeding from bullet holes in his shoulder (bullet holes that are--in a somewhat convoluted way--barbara’s fault)? yikes. it’s great. you have my apologies, mr thwaites!

c) can you imagine dick just... crawling back to wayne manor, trying not to be seen by anybody, shedding his suit and just... collapsing onto his bed without even tending to his wound? the sheer emotional and physical exhaustion of it? 

d) it’s so interesting to see how barbara and dick approach the idea of legacy--a big theme on the show!--in this flashback. barbara is the one bucking the idea that she should follow in her father’s footsteps, while dick seems pretty content with the batman-and-robin setup, and even tries to get barbara to join their team (robin-girl. pfffft). obviously after this several traumatic things happen wherein dick ends up questioning and then resenting his role as robin, his relationship with batman or even returning as a vigilante at all. and barbara... ends up replacing her father as commissioner. it’s tragic, really. 

e) the dynamic between dick and barbara in the flashback reminds me of how it was between dick and donna in 1.08 and even between kory and dick in early s1. it’s like having an older, strong-willed woman by his side means he gives over the steering wheel for a while and lets himself... unspool, a little bit. it’s kinda endearing.

also:

*pinches his cheeks*

3. you know, we talk about dick and Eldest Daughter Syndrome, and that’s definitely valid, but here gar seems to me the embodiment of it, with all the emotional gardening and firefighting that he’s expected to do. he’s kind of the guy expected to keep his shit together and take care of everyone else while they are falling completely to pieces, unable to carve out time to process his own trauma. he’s also picked up dick’s and kory’s tendencies to bottle up their struggles and shun appearing vulnerable, and he’s struggling in the shadow of both dick and kory undergoing acute crises, his best friend (and frequent confidante) on the other side of the world, and seeing hank die, utterly helpless to stop it. 

i’m glad that he got a chance to tell dick even a smidgeon of what he really feels, and i hope this is at least a semblance of a wake up call for dick to actually sit down and work with the people he repeatedly calls family.

3.5. it’s heartening to see that dick immediately makes it his priority to go talk to gar. but don’t blow off kory in the process, man!

4. i’m really loving this dynamic between kom and conner--i get the idea that both of them consider each other as Unknowns, alien two times over. but conner’s only ever known the titans, who embrace being different, and kom’s only ever known... well. 

anyway, kory is Really Stressed, and honestly? #relatable. 

when you’re forced to bring an estranged family member to hang out with your friends...

4.5. i love that the titans are spending so much time in the kitchen. a real family!

5. jonathan crane is a creep and i absolutely cannot stand him.

5.25. how did he get a whole lab setup (in the basement of a hospital...?) with a bunch of whitecoats to work for him? how did he just waltz into the viewing room of an operation theatre when he’s one of the most wanted men in gotham right now? why is jason wandering around maskless when--presumably--as the adopted son of the most famous person in gotham he’d be a tad more recognisable than your average joe?

why do i expect this show to answer anything anymore?

5.5. that’s not necessarily a criticism, mind; i’ve said since season 1 that titans is very comics-like in this aspect, all about the Aesthetic and the splash-page splendour rather than the niggling unimportant details of how or when the characters got to said location. like. the camera gliding over the operation being set-up, lady vic bursting in and doing her murder dance (imagine the luck of the poor intern who chose this day and this surgery to assist) and jason, shocked and slack-jawed, framed by blood.

5.75. it’s a sobering reminder for jason that, though he chose this path in order to gain control over a world that seemed like it was rapidly spinning out of his grip, he’s only succeeded in handing over even more control to a man with an agenda that is very clearly not aligned with his own. he’s in too far to stop now, though.

5.9. i have a lot more thoughts about jason! saving it up for the end of this recap, though.

6. more kitchen time! i better see dick do some cooking soon...

(”our kitchen”! it still delights me! kitchens are So Important)

6.25. so much of dick’s issues have revolved around his relationship with bruce, so it’s completely understandable that in the wake of a huge crisis where bruce literally asks dick to replace him and be a “better” him, dick would default to all the worst things he learned from the man. and i’m glad kory’s having none of it, but come on, guys. the woman’s literally fetched her fratricidal sister out of a hole in the ground with no idea what said sister is going to do next and experiencing a burgeoning sense of guilt far, far beyond her history with the titans, and dick’s too far into his autocolonoscopy that he can’t see that she needs help.

6.5. “he services your urges”--well, as far as we know, kory is the last person he had sex with...

7. “i hope [gar] isn’t angry with me...” SIR! i thought you’d already spoken to him! smh, as the kids say. kory wouldn’t be needing to reassure you if you just took the effort to build two way emotional relationships with the rest of the team. @superohclair​ was taking about dick’s relatively low emotional intelligence? i agree.

7.5. “i got my own problems [...] you and barbara? fix it.” YOU TELL HIM, KORY

8. man i really like this weird, sad tension between dick and barbara--this sense that both of them are approaching the other based on how they remember them and are ultimately disappointed by the truth. barbara thought she could trust dick to... well, be a better batman, but dick has not only failed at that in her eyes, but repeatedly undermined her while exploiting the authority that she gave him. in dick’s eyes, this is nothing like the barbara that he knew, rebellious and ready to do whatever it takes to find something. 

like. this show sometimes really hits me in the chest about the ways it shows kids grow into adults and into caretakers, and the way it’s stop-start, the ways nothing can happen at all for a long time and then it’s Crisis Central all at once and there’s no space to breathe. the weird sort of sadness that comes with nostalgia. 

8.5. oracle name drop! i agree with barbara, any system that can just randomly tap into gotham phonelines is a monster.

8.7. (i don’t know if it’s my imagination, but is dick holding himself... differently in this episode? like that wound is definitely bothering him, and he’s running on fumes)

9. man, that was a really sweet scene between kom and conner. “feeling alien in your own world”... “not quite here nor there”

honestly this team runs on conner and gar’s faith in their value as a family, and it’s a sign of conner’s generous heart that he extends that opportunity to blackfire. this arc of maturation for him, where he’s now able to consciously choose which parts of himself he can use to do the thing he wants to so--save people--has been so fulfilling to recognise. this baby’s grown with the titans! and what he’s learnt is that people can get fucked up, but the titans is a place where they can be fucked up, and grow.

MY MAN CONNER

10. oh man i’m drinking in the gar-dick interaction in this episode like i’m three days into the desert and it’s the only source of water for miles around!

a) gar is absolutely not dealing with dick’s bullshit this episode and I LOVE IT. it’s such a far cry from the man who was idolising dick/robin back in s1 and expecting him to solve all their problems. dick is fallible, dick is fucked up, but he Tries His Best and that’s ok.

b) dick, huffing and puffing through that vent, unable to put any pressure on his left shoulder, trying to have a heart to heart with gar... fuck i love this asshole. 

c) bruce took in a kid who was suffering... “and made him into a weapon”. well. i absolutely agree with dick that it was bruce who put these kids into these horrible situations with him and they came away with a bucketload of trauma to add to the one that they already had. but we know that bruce was really trying with jason, and at the end of s2, dick was coming to acknowledge that bruce had offered him something that wasn’t just darkness. jason’s death and bruce’s reaction to that shattered that fragile progress.

d) “gotham got to me too.” i feel more sympathetic towards dick running off on his own than most, and it’s not just because i’m an unapologetic stan.  we’ve seen before that dick... devolves when overwhelmed, and he lashes out and makes ill thought out decisions and just Does Not Deal. it happened after hearing the news that deathstroke had returned in s2, and it didn’t help that everyone around him was reeling at the news, either. this time, however, he has his salvation in his family, and despite some stupid decisions like running off and kidnapping supervillains without telling his team, he’s been really on the ball this season. thinking clearly and logically, holding it together and working on a plan, thinking two steps ahead of the villains... yes.

e) gar needing to believe that jason isn’t beyond redemption... there’s a lot of blood on his hands, too, from when he was manipulated by cadmus last season. it makes sense why he’d relate to jason’s predicament, and i hope dick picked up on that.

f) my head just added a plaintive ow after dick jumped feet first into the storage room

i need, crave gifs of this scene!

11. *sits on hands* i’m going to talk more about red hood, i promise!

12. more gar and dick! is it my birthday??!!

(actually, according to the tamil calendar, it is my birthday! my “star” birthday)

12.5. excellent. dick using some implausible training that bruce taught him to solve a mystery? passing some of that knowledge onto gar? that proud smile when he sees gar perfectly execute moves that he taught him? MY HEART IS EXPLODING

13. aw, i love flashback!dick and barbara, they’re so cute <3

13.25. why does it not surprise me that the way he proposes a relationship to barbara is by saying “we make sense”? this guy can deduce exactly who was present where and what weapon they were holding from a garbled audio recording but other times he’s utterly clueless, and that’s a consistent character beat right from s1

13.5. so.... that’s why lady vic has it out for... barbara....? i don’t get it. it’s flimsy. but hey! the fun thing about titans is that i don’t have to get it. the payoff has nothing to do with the plot.

14. i can’t believe that barbara fell for that, but at least that wheelchair fight looked awesome, so.

15. oh yeah, i forgot that red hood bullied the mob into helping him and scarecrow... at least that explains the whitecoats and the elaborate set-up.

15.5. honestly i love how this dynamic between kory and kom is developing, though i wish more of the team would pay attention to it. time to call justin, i think!

16. i wonder what happened after that second flashback where barbara got hurt during that heist. did she give up on doing any more (maybe jim caught her)? was it because dick was called away by bruce and then the titans and got caught up in his own issues? maybe barbara froze him out because she wasn’t looking for the relationship that he was looking for? maybe the idea of doing that with someone turning into batman-lite was just... unappealing? scary?

whatever it is, it doesn’t look like dick ever processed the end of that relationship. it’s very intriguing to see where their dynamic goes next.

17. so.... what, did vic deliver some fear toxin to barbara? i... what?

17.5. and i TOLD YOU that they would never explain that doll or why vic attacked those two cops at the beginning! oh, titans. never change. 

18. did jason just randomly have tim’s restaurant burgled? god, i’m feeling a bit nauseous... are they going to kill tim’s father?

18.25. i feel like the rest of the season is going to wrestle with jason’s culpability in the horrible stuff he’s doing and i’m already seeing that prospect divide fans. on one hand, his story is taking a lot of oxygen away from other equally interesting story arcs, and he’s done some truly awful things, like indiscriminate murder, threatening to kill children, blowing up hank, and potentially killing tim’s parents. 

there’s something to be said for the kind of hold that crane has over him, and the so-called ‘anti-fear’ drug that he keeps plying jason with--he’s alone, drugged almost constantly (to the level of dependence), fresh from the trauma of being bludgeoned to death. he hasn’t conquered fear; he’s ruled by it. on the other hand, given that he’s the one character on the show given an obvious and identifiable ‘mental illness’ arc (maaaaybe dick too), one can argue that it’s irresponsible to show this progress into such violence: jason was vulnerable because he was struggling, and that left him vulnerable, but it took only a push before he became a fucking serial killer.

but that could mean we underestimate the degree of that vulnerability, and the mechanics of this universe where he fell into the clutches of the one supervillain perfectly designed to exploit that vulnerability. that helpless spiral into further and further self-destruction is all too real. it’s valuable to know that someone who has sunk that low can still seek help--actual help--and get it. 

18.5. i don’t know. it’s not a question i’m going to resolve at the end of an overlong recap at 1 in the morning. i don’t believe it’s even a question that titans can resolve. but i am interested in where they’re going next with jason.

19. this episode was genuinely great! i’m pumped for the rest of the season!

[dr-lizortecho]

Just a little rant about some of my fav rnm actors/actors in general

Michael Trevino- like can anyone honestly say he isn’t amazing. The man can handle any script any character and just breathe life into them. Even in tvd when his character was given frankly bad writing in the later seasons just so they could focus on Caroline/Klaus or the Mikaelson’s in general, Trevino always did a wonderful job of keeping Tyler true to who he was originally made to be. He is over all a wonderful actor who can portray the aspects of being human in such simple ways, he is amazing at showing the amount of weight that can rest on a persons shoulders. Like with Kyle you can literally see and feel the amount his character is carrying. Trevino actually looks and expresses exhaustion down to his characters core, while still making his trademark dry comments. He is probably the single most skilled actor in the show, and one of those actors where I see he is in something and know it will be a good watch.

Jeanine Mason- again very wonderfully talented. She almost becomes her character as she portrays her. It’s like watching a person actually move around in real life, you never see her think about her lines or the actions she has to perform. She is fluid and real. She literally takes her roles and becomes them, I don’t know how to explain besides that she feels whole in her characters body. Adapting mannerisms that fit the character with complete ease. Her body language is always on key and perfect with the mood of the scene, and I know some of that will go down to directors, but with her it’s on another level. She is one of the few actors I have seen where only the writers choices for her character remind me she isn’t actually a person.

Nathan Parsons- he’s a pretty good actor, again he easily falls into his character. Not so fully as Jeanine Mason and Michael Trevino but emotionally he is all there. I can’t get over his acting this season actually, it’s jaw dropping really. Like every time Max has a break down you can feel it, his sobs hurt physically to watch. But mostly Parsons has wonderful control of his eyes. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like Parsons actually feels what Max is supposed to feel. Because when he is doing emotional scenes it’s in his eyes, whether they are hard and cold because he is angry, wide and hopeful because Liz is in the room, or completely broken. Like even the difference between Max and Jones is clear when you look at his eyes, because he is channeling different emotions and agendas. I had to rewind 3x03 to rewatch his interaction with Kyle not because it was some overly amazing scene. But because the desperation he gives off and that little twirl he does, with the broken ‘oh, okay, cool’ that can barely be heard. Like… he has great emotional control.

That’s it, just a long rant about these three because they are talented and it’s been bugging me that everyone I know thinks cw actors are immediately bad. (Obviously there are other amazing actors on this show, but these are just my personal favorite)

[demxters]

Home

isaac lahey x reader 

summary: An unexpected guest makes a return to Beacon Hills, someone you’ve been waiting eight months for... 

word count: 1.2k 

warnings: spoilers for season 3 of teen wolf and beyond 

a/n: no one really asked for this, but i’ve been missing the pack ever since i started rewatching the series, so please excuse this word vomit 

(not my gif) 

***

Eight Months. It’s been eight months since the last time you saw him. Eight months since the last time you heard his voice or felt his touch. And it hurt with every passing day. Nothing you did could make you forget about the hole he left in your heart. When Issac told you he was going to France with Argent, you knew you had to let him go. All his life, Beacon Hills has brought him nothing but pain, sorrow, and suffering. You were the only good thing that he had left. When you and him were still together, he was your escape from the supernatural world. From spending nights on your roof stargazing to having simple study dates, Isaac made you feel like a normal teenager every now and then. And as much as he wanted to stay with you, he knew he needed to heal first. So he left, unsure of when he was going to come back, but promising you he eventually would. 

_____

Stiles: Pack meeting @ Scott’s today after school!! 

You groaned as you read over the text Stiles sent you. It was little over a week since they defeated the Beast and Theo Raeken’s little pack of chimeras. You really wished the universe would give you and the pack a break, but from Stiles’ text, you knew that wasn’t going to be the case. It was getting exhausting to constantly be trying to balance your supernatural life with your normal high school life. (Although, let’s be real, fighting the supernatural was definitely taking up more of your time than your high school life.) It was times like these when you missed Isaac the most. 

***

The school day came and went, and before you knew it, you were driving to Scott’s. Singing along to a random song that was playing on the radio, you were interrupted by the sound of your phone ringing. Ignoring it, you continued to drive. Then it rang a  second time, a third time, a fourth time, and finally a fifth before you decided to pull over and see who it was. 

Lydia Martin (5) missed calls 

“Shit,” you say, putting your car in part. You pick up your phone and hastily call her back. Anxiously tapping your foot against the floor of your car, you waited for Lydia to pick up. 

“Y/N!” your red headed friend practically yelled into the phone. 

“Jesus, Lyds,” you say, with a hand on your chest as you were quiet startled from the way she picked up the phone. “Is everything ok?” 

“Oh, yeah, everything’s fine,” she says nonchalantly. “It’s just my car broke down so I don’t have a ride to Scott’s.” 

“Hm…” you hum into the phone. “Well, couldn’t you have asked Stiles to come get you?” You knew the boy would drop anything to spend time with her. 

“I mean I could, but he’s already at Scott’s. So, I thought I’d just call my best friend instead.” 

You sigh as you start your car again. “Alright, fine. Are you at home?” 

“Yes,” she replies. “You’re the best Y/N!” 

“Yeah, yeah.” 

_____

You picked up Lydia and began making your way to Scott’s when she insisted that you guys stopped by the grocery store to buy some snacks and other things. Then after that, she realized that she forgot her purse at home so (much to your dismay) you drove all the way back to her house so she could get it. She took around 15 minutes after that just to get back to the car claiming that she had a terrible stomach ache and had to use the bathroom. 

“Alright, are we good to go now?” you asked, annoyance seeping into your tone. You hated being late to pack meetings, and she knew this, which annoyed you even more. 

“Yup. We’re all good,” she replies. 

You back out of her driveway and concentrate on your driving the rest of the way there, already annoyed by Lydia’s detours. You were so focused on your driving that you didn’t notice the little smile that Lydia had on her face and the mischievous glint in her eyes. 

***

By the time the two of you got to Scott’s, you saw Kira’s car and Stiles’ jeep parked in his driveway, so you knew you were already more than late. You shut off your car engine with a sigh and unlock the doors. 

Lydia’s abrupt actions surprise you for the second you unlocked your car, she was grabbing the bags from the back and quickly making her way to Scott’s front door. 

You sat there for a minute, bewildered by her weird behavior. You snap yourself out of your stupor and make your way towards Scott’s. Opening the front door, you could hear the pack’s hushed whispers and shuffling footsteps against the floor. 

Walking towards the kitchen, your heart skips a beat at the sight in front of you. Right there, standing in the entryway of Scott’s kitchen is the boy you’ve been longing for since the day he left. “Issac?” you softly let out as tears begin to well in your eyes. 

He gives you a smile, gosh, that smile that makes you go weak in the knees and he says, “I promised you I’d come back, didn’t I?” 

You let out a laugh as the tears begin to stream down your eyes and break into a run, jumping into Isaac’s arms. 

He catches you with ease, lifting you a bit as you wrap your legs around his waist and bury your face into his neck. “You’re actually here,” you say, voice slightly muffled from pressing against his neck. 

“Yeah, baby,” he says in your ear, burying his face into the side of your neck, breathing in your familiar scent; your scent that reminded him of home. “It’s been too long. Eight months too long.” 

You pull back with your arms wrapped around his neck to admire him. Tears continue to flow down your face as he sets you down and places his hands on your cheeks to wipe away your tears. 

“Hey, hey,” he coos, his eyes tearing up at the sight of you crying. “Don’t cry, my love. I’m here.” He leans forward to rest his forehead on yours. “I’m here…” 

Staring into his familiar blue eyes, you say the three words you’ve been wanting to say since the day he asked you to be his. “I love you.” 

Isaac can’t remember the last time he heard those words be said to him. His heart beats faster at your words, feeling the exact same way about you. Unable to control himself any longer, he brings himself down to your level and kisses you feverishly. Kissing you for the first time in months reminds him of how much he missed you when in France. He pulls away, still leaning his forehead against yours and whispers against your lips, “I love you.” 

You open your eyes, and give him a tearfilled smile. You lean in closer so you’re nose to nose and tighten your grip on him, afraid that he’d disappear again if you let go and whisper, “Please don’t leave me again.” 

He gives you one last peck on the lips and whispers, “Never.”

[mooresomore]

Detective AU

Here is my detective AU I had been teasing earlier. I was actually able to write a tiny bit of angst- which quickly turned back into fluff (what can I say, lol). This all started with my rewatch of season 2, when Eddie had to go to Christopher’s school in the suit. Add that in with the 4.3 “true crime podcast” comments and that was it. I still wanted Buck to be a firefighter, even though Eddie was a detective. Some of the cracks about police officers and firefighters in here are actual things I’ve heard between our local cops/firefighters. My brain immediately *short-circuited* and this idea wouldn’t let go. Hopefully you all like it!

Buck had been introduced to Patrolman Eddie Diaz by his captain Bobby Nash’s wife, Athena Grant-Nash. They had hit it off (even being able to laugh at everyone’s jokes about them being the current Montagues and Capulets), and they had been together for 4 years now. Eddie had been working his way up the ranks, and now he was set to take the detective’s test.

“You got this babe,” Buck said, coming over to sit by Eddie as Eddie was having a freak out about not being good enough the night before his test. “You are going to go there and knock it out of the park. I believe in you.”

“Thank you.” Eddie said, stealing a kiss. “I wish you could be there.”

“I wish I could too,” Buck agreed. “But Bobby told me that I can take your call, no matter what is going on, unless we’re on a call. Plus, Christopher and I gotta have our guy’s night.” Buck teased, knowing that Eddie would relax knowing that Christopher was in good hands. Buck leaned in again. “You got this Eddie Diaz.”

“Thank you.” Eddie said. “I needed to hear that. Bed?”

“Yes.” Buck said. “I was thinking we could get up early and make breakfast for Christopher- and you- and Christopher and I could walk you out to the car.”

“I’d like that a lot.” Eddie said. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”

*

In the morning, Eddie helped Buck in the kitchen, and after breakfast, Buck and Christopher walked Eddie out to the car. Christopher gave Eddie a drawing for good luck, and Buck gave Eddie a kiss on the cheek and told Eddie to call Buck as soon as the test was over. With that, Eddie was gone, and Buck took Christopher to school. 

“Remember Superman, Carla is going to pick you up after school today. I’ll get you after shift, and we’ll have a boy’s night. Your dad will be home tomorrow.”

“Ok. Bye Buck. Love you.”

“Love you too kid.”

*

“Buck, stop pacing.” Bobby said. “He’s going to do just fine.”

“I know he is, but it just sucks waiting, you know?”

“I do,” Bobby said. “But Athena tells me he’s one of the best she’s ever seen. Just trust your boy ok?”

Buck was about to say something when his phone rang. “It’s Eddie!” Buck quickly picked up the phone. “Hey. Yeah, not on a call. Oh, nothing. Bobby kicked me out of the kitchen. Seems I was too aggressive with chopping the vegetables.” There was a pause and everyone held their breath (of course they were eavesdropping). Buck’s face broke out into a huge grin. “That’s great. I’m so proud of you. Told you you’d be able to do it. Mind if I tell everyone else on shift. Yeah, they’re listening.” Buck chuckled. I will. Christopher and I will FaceTime you tonight and you can tell him. Ok. Talk to you later. Love you.”

Buck hung up the phone and turned around to face everyone. “Eddie passed the detective’s test. He said thank you in advance.” Everyone chuckled.

“Let me know the date of the pinning,” Bobby told Buck. “You’ll have it off, no questions asked.”

“Thank you.”

*

Buck gave Carla a thumbs up when he got home from shift, letting her know that Eddie had passed. “We’re going to call Eddie in a few and Eddie wants to tell Christopher himself.”

“I am so proud of that man.” Carla said.

“Me too.” Buck smiled.

“You tell me what to bring to the party.” Carla said as she left.

“Yes ma’am.”

*

Eddie called Christopher and Buck right before Christopher’s bedtime routine was supposed to start.

“Dad!” Christopher smiled.

“Hey buddy. Are you and Buck having fun?”

“Yeah. He let me have ice cream for dessert and we watched “Finding Nemo”. It’s bedtime now.”

“Wow. Sounds like fun. I know it is-that’s why I called. I wanted to tell you goodnight and that I’d see you tomorrow.”

“Ok.” Christopher paused. “Did you do good on your test?”

“I did.” Eddie smiled. “I did really good on it. So I get a new job title.”

“Cool. Good job.” Christopher smiled. “Love you dad.”

“Love you too buddy. Go get ready for bed and be good for Buck, ok? I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Ok.”

“I’ll get him in bed and call you back?” Buck asked. Looking at Eddie, he added, “Actually, I’ll just talk with you in the morning. You look exhausted. Get some rest.”

“Thanks.” Eddie smiled. “Thanks again for watching Chris tonight.”

“Anytime. Go to bed.” Buck said. As Eddie shifted the camera around, Buck caught sight of the shirt Eddie was wearing. “You stole my shirt?” Buck chuckled.

“I wanted a piece of home with me and hoped it would bring me good luck.” Eddie said. “It obviously worked.”

“You did it all on your own detective.” Buck said, watching Eddie smile sleepily. “Seriously, get some rest. We’ll see you tomorrow.” Christopher hollered down the hall. “His majesty awaits.” Buck chuckled.

Eddie chuckled. “Goodnight. I love you.”

“Love you too.” Buck said.

*

After Buck dropped Christopher off at school, he came home to find Carla and the rest of the 118 at the house, ready to help him get everything ready for the surprise party. Buck left and went to intercept Eddie before he could see the surprise while the rest of them put the finishing touches on things and got Abuela and Pepa there.

They went out to breakfast as a reward. Buck then convinced Eddie to pull Christopher out of school for half a day and go home and have a “family day”. If Eddie suspected something, he didn’t say anything.

Buck made sure to have Eddie open the door. Buck caught Christopher’s eye and grinned while holding a finger against his lips. 

“Surprise!” Everyone yelled when Eddie opened the door; he looked Buck to Buck and Christopher, who were smiling.

“Thank you.” Eddie said. They had a small party, and as the three of them were sitting on the couch after everyone had left, Eddie looked at Buck. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yes we did,” Buck said. “Because you’re special to us and you deserve to be celebrated. Christopher was the one who suggested it.”

“Thanks bud.”

Christopher burrowed into Eddie for a tight hug, and then he was asking for Eddie to put him to bed.

“Sure thing buddy. Say goodnight to Buck.”

“Night Buck.”

“Night Superman.”

“Stay here for a minute?” Eddie asked. “I want to talk to you about something.”

“Ok.”

*

When Eddie came back downstairs a few minutes later, Buck was flipping through channels on the TV. Eddie sat down, and Buck’s hand found its way to the back of Eddie’s neck, where it started running light circles. “What’s going on babe?”

“Um,” Eddie said. “I was thinking. We’ve been together now for four years, and I’d love to be together forever. I was wondering if you’d like to get married.”

The hand stopped moving and Buck looked like a deer in the headlights. “Oh.”

“If you don’t want to…” Eddie said, misunderstanding Buck’s shock as a no.

“No, no.” Buck quickly reassured Eddie. “I’m just a little surprised is all. I wasn’t expecting this tonight, but I would love to marry you.” Buck paused. “Can we elope and have a courthouse wedding? I don’t want anything fancy.”

“Yeah.” Eddie said. “That’s what I was thinking too. We can do a reception for everyone later.”

“Name the time and place and I’m there.” Buck said.

“How about next Monday at 3? You don’t have a shift that day- I already checked with Bobby.” Eddie said. “I was thinking we could pick up Christopher from school and then take him with us.”

“That would be great.” Buck said, leaning in to kiss Eddie. “I love you. I want to do so much more than just kiss you right now.”

“Me too,” Eddie admitted, knowing that they couldn’t with Christopher down the hall. Christopher had been waking up with nightmares recently and crawling into Eddie and Buck’s bed. It wasn’t happening too often, but it was enough that Eddie had scheduled an appointment with Christopher’s doctor.

“This weekend? We can see if Abuela will take him?” Buck suggested. 

“I’ll talk with her in the morning.” Eddie agreed. “She was asking about when he was going to come over again.” Eddie smiled. “Come on, let’s go to bed. It’s been a long day, and you have to go to work tomorrow.”

“So do you, Detective Diaz.” Buck smiled.

“You’re never going to quit calling me that now, are you?” Eddie asked.

“Nope!” Buck grinned, popping the “p”.

“Come on,” Eddie said. He had a smile on his face too though.

*

In the morning, Eddie woke up to the smell of bacon. He felt the sheets, and sure enough, they were cold. Buck had been up for a while. Eddie didn’t mind, his boyfriend- no wait, now his fiance- was a great cook. Eddie had truly gotten spoiled to the home-cooked meals he got. It was definitely a change from all the pre-bought meals he’d heat up for him and Christopher, or the fast food burgers he lived on during shift.

Eddie padded down the stairs, finding his coffee mug on the counter with it made just the way he liked. Christopher and Buck were standing in front of the stove, flipping something in a pan. Buck looked up as Eddie hit the creaky floorboard at the edge of the kitchen counter. “Good morning.”

“Morning.” Eddie said. “Morning superman.”

“Morning daddy!” Christopher grinned, and that’s when Eddie saw the smudge of flour on Christopher’s cheek. 

Eddie couldn’t help the smile that came to his face. “You helping Buck make breakfast?”

“Yeah. I’m his sous chef. Wait, I said that right, right?” Christopher asked, looking at Buck.

“You did.” Buck smiled, wiping the flour off Christopher’s cheek. “He’s been a great help in here.” Buck added.

“Awesome. What do we have today?” Eddie asked, even though he could clearly see they were pancakes.

“Pancakes. Made from scratch.” Christopher said.

“Take off your apron bud and go sit at the table. I’ll bring them over. The plate is kinda hot.” Buck said.

“Ok.” Christopher grabbed the orange juice on his way by and the plate of bacon. He sat them down on the table and took his spot beside Eddie.

They ate breakfast in a comfortable silence. Then it was upstairs for Christopher to get ready for school, and for them to get ready for their shifts.

“I’m working a 24 hour shift.” Buck said. “There’s a pan of lasagna in the fridge for you to heat up for dinner. I’ll try to call around bedtime so I can tell you guys goodnight.”

“Ok. If all goes well, I should be home by 5. Carla is picking him up, right?”

“Yep.”

“Ok. Have a great day. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

*

As luck would have it, they met up on a call halfway through their shifts. The 118 had got a call about a stabbing, and when they pulled up on scene, the police were already there. The victim was already dead, and they just needed confirmation. Hen and Chim went in to do their duty, while Bobby talked with Athena for a minute. Buck was scanning the various officers, knowing that Eddie more than likely would have been there-this would be one of his first chances to work a homicide case. Buck didn’t see him though and was about to ask Athena and Bobby if they had when there was a pair of hands over his eyes and a “guess who?”

Buck couldn’t help the laugh that escaped. “I hope that’s you Eddie.”

“It is.” Eddie confirmed. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“Well,” Buck teased, “We come help you guys out all the time. You know the saying- ‘God created firefighters so police officers could have heroes’. Just doing my job.”

Eddie laughed. “Right. I seem to remember the saying going the other way. Either way, it was good to see you. I better head in there. This is my first case that I get to assist on.”

“You’ll nail it.” Buck said. “Good luck. I’ll call you guys tonight. Love ya. Be safe.”

“You too. Love you.” Eddie said, watching as Buck climbed back into the fire truck and sped off to his next call. Eddie took a breath and headed into the crime scene.

*

“So? How’s the case going detective?” Buck asked when he called later that night to tell Eddie and Christopher goodnight.

“You know I can’t tell you.” Eddie smiled. “But I’m learning a lot and they say I’m doing a good job.”

“I bet you are.” Buck said, grinning as Christopher came into view. “Hey Buddy.”

“Hi Buck.” Christopher came and sat on Eddie’s lap. He then launched into a story about what they’d learned at school today. Buck listened intently and asked a lot of questions.

“Sounds great buddy. If it’s ok with your dad, we’ll go to the zoo next weekend.”

“Please?” Christopher looked at Eddie, who said, “Yes.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow after school ok buddy?” Buck said. “You take good care of your dad and get some sleep.”

“Yes Buck.” Christopher nodded, blowing a kiss to Buck, who caught it and sent one of his own. Christopher giggled and hopped off Eddie’s lap. “Night Buck. I’ll call you when I’m ready dad.”

“Night Christopher,” Buck said as Eddie said, “Ok.”

Eddie looked at Buck. “Be safe out there tonight ok?”

“Always am.” Buck said. The alarm bell went off. “Duty calls. See you in the morning. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

*

Buck wandered into the house the next morning as Eddie and Christopher were walking out the door. “Have a good day guys.” Buck said, kissing Christopher’s head and straightening Eddie’s tie. “See you tonight.”

“Night Buck.”

*

Buck went into the bedroom to grab his clothes prior to getting into the shower and found the note Eddie left him on the bedside table.

Buck,

I hope you get some rest. I can’t believe in 4 days I get to marry you and spend forever with you. Even if you are a hose monkey ;) I’ll see you tonight. Love you.

Eddie

Buck grinned. He grabbed the clothes out of the drawer, set the T-shirt on the bedside table and went into the shower. Afterwards, he set an alarm and climbed into bed and crawled in on Eddie’s side, letting Eddie’s smell lull him to sleep.

*

When the alarm blared, Buck sat up and shut it off. He slipped on the shirt and went downstairs to the kitchen.

*

Buck was just sliding the meatloaf into the oven when Carla came home with Christopher. “Buckaroo. How have you been?” Carla asked.

“Good. Work’s been keeping me busy.” Buck said, watching Christopher make his way over to the table without being asked. “I’m sorry I haven’t seen you much lately.”

“I’ve been busy with Christopher mostly,” she said, “and you and Eddie have gotten a pretty good routine down.” Carla pauses. “I think though, with him becoming a detective, that things will probably change.”

“Yeah.” Buck said. “You’re still…”

“Oh, I’m always going to be here for you three sugar.” Carla gave him a hug. “You boys are my family.”

“You’re ours too.” Buck said.

“Tell Eddie I said hi. I’ll see you guys next week.”

“Bye Carla.”

Christopher quickly finished his homework and set the table. Buck and Christopher played a round of Mario Kart while they waited for Eddie to get home.

*

The first thing Eddie noticed when he got home was the smell of meatloaf coming from the kitchen and Christopher’s laugh. Eddie made his way in. “Hey, I’m...” He said, pausing abruptly when he noticed it was his LAPD shirt Buck was wearing. “Home.” He finished.

“Ah, you’re just in time.” Buck said. “I was just putting dinner on the table.”

They ate dinner, and then decided that they could have a movie night since Christopher didn’t have school tomorrow.

“You’re wearing my shirt.” Eddie said.

“Yeah.” Buck said. “Needed a piece of you with me today.”

“Not that I don’t love seeing you wear my clothes, but let me get it in a bigger size so you don’t pop out of it.” Eddie said, smiling.

“Fine. But only if you wear it first so it smells like you.”

“I can do that.”

*

The wedding day was here- Carla was going to be one of the witnesses along with Maddie. Christopher had been over the moon since finding out Buck was going to stay forever.

The ceremony was short and sweet, and Abuela took Christopher so Eddie and Buck could “properly celebrate your marriage”. (And properly celebrate they did; they had matching hickies on their collarbones that their uniforms would thankfully cover.)

They settled into a pattern; nothing had really changed-other than Buck was in the process of adopting Christopher (Christopher’s request). They still ran odd shifts and saw each other on calls, but it was just like it had been. Just now they had rings and the “husband” title.

*

**6 Months Later**

Buck had just gotten home from a split shift and was trying to crawl into bed without waking up Eddie. Somehow he managed to be successful, and Buck closed his eyes. They’d be up soon enough to take Christopher to school (and Eddie would have to go to work).

It barely felt like he had closed his eyes when Eddie’s cell phone startled Buck awake. Eddie answered “Diaz. Uh huh. I’ll be there in 20.”

“Homicide?” Buck guessed, looking at the clock.

“Yeah, go back to bed.” Eddie said, getting up to get dressed.

“I’ll get Christopher to school and pick him up.” Buck said. “You call us when you’re coming home and we’ll have dinner ready.”

Eddie tied his tie and slid his suit jacket on. “Deal. I love you.” He said, coming over to give Buck a kiss.

“Love you too Detective Diaz. Be safe.”

“Always am.”

*

Buck got Christopher off to school and was working on cleaning the house when his phone rang. “Oh hey Athena. What’s up?”

“Buck? Are you sitting down?” Athena asked. “If not, you might want to.”

“Athena? What’s going on?!” But was immediately on high alert. “Is Eddie ok?”

“He will be.” Her voice was calm and soft. “There was an accident at the crime scene. He’s at the hospital and fine, but he won’t be home tonight. They want to keep him for observation.”

“Which hospital?” Buck asked, grabbing his keys. “I’ll call Carla to get Christopher after school. I don’t want to worry him.”

“He’s at General.” Athena said. “He’s ok, Buckaroo. I’ll make sure you have clearance to enter.”

“Thanks Athena.”

Buck made his way to General, where Eddie was on the observation floor. “Detective Diaz,” Buck said, leaning against the doorframe. “What happened?”

“Hey Buck.” Eddie said. “I’m ok.”

“Are you sure?” Buck asked, going to sit by Eddie.

“I am. I wasn’t planning on there being a victim in the closet still alive, and she attacked me with a knife. They’re mostly superficial, but she got a good one in to my shoulder and they want me to stay overnight. I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for. Other than having Athena call me and scare the crap out of me.” Buck chuckled. 

“Sorry. I told her to let you know I was ok.”

“I got Carla to pick up Christopher after school. I wasn’t sure if you wanted him to be here or not.”

“He can come by.” Eddie said. “Instead of me calling you tonight.”

“Ok. I’ll have Carla bring him. I’ll be right back.”

Christopher came and visited for a while, and then it was time for Buck and Christopher to go. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” Eddie said.

“Night dad.” Christopher said. Buck echoed, “Night dad. We love you,” and kissed Eddie’s forehead.

*

Eddie was home the next day and after a stern lecture from both Buck and Athena, he was allowed to go back to work.

*

“Diaz.” Eddie said when the phone rang early in the morning. “Give me 30 and I’ll be there.”

Buck was up and out of bed making Eddie coffee while Eddie got dressed. By the time Eddie came downstairs in his suit and tie, Buck had the coffee in Eddie’s “#1 dad” to-go mug Christopher had made. Buck straightened Eddie’s tie and smoothed out Eddie’s jacket. “Go get em Detective Diaz.” Buck said, leaning down for a kiss. “Be safe.”

“I will be.” Eddie said. “I’ll call you when I’m headed home. Have a good shift Firefighter Buckley.”

“I will. I love you.”

“Love you too.”