#even in school or uni i wasnt really alone because I was always with my sister

[upperranktwo]

Almost finished moving all my stuff! Just need to do my clothes and gaming things! It's kinda sad how I'm moving away from this place, having my own room for the first time was fun and I enjoyed having independence which is something I did need to experience! But I am NOT gonna miss my roommates holy fuck 😭 and I'll get to save a little money so that's good!

[alec-1016]

hi, this is a sleep-drunk vent session. pls feel free to ignore

cw: childhood.(idk, its not trauma, but it wasnt pleasant), internalized ableism, internalized transphobia, internalized misogyny, depression, anxiety, mentions of ed, sh and su1cide

also spelling errors

so, i just wanna vent abt liking shit. i grew up in a very privileged house, w both my parents being uni professors, so it was a very...intellectual house

i also grew up autistic. i was very often praised for being "good", quiet, smart, speaking in words too advanced for my age, reading and writing abovd my grade level, etc. so it kinda became "obvious" that i would become intellectually inclined, like my parents and older sisters

oh yeah, there is an eleven year age gap between me and my older sister, and a fourteen year gap begween me and my oldest sister. i grew up with adults.

there were barely any chdren for me to play w outside of school, so i decided i was better off alone. i read, drew, madr up complex imaginary scenarios in my head. i also tried to listen in and even participate in the adults discussions, and that also got me praise. i have always been a people pleaser.

so after i grew a bit, by like, middle school, i thiught i couldnt like kids things anymore. but i ciuldnt like teen things either bc i wasnt old enough for that. so i didnt really like stuff. i hid my special interests(harry p*tter🤢🤢 and riordanverse, mostly) from basically everyone, and threw myself into school

i have had anxiety ever since i can remember, and some symptoms of depression presented as early as 11. i have a cousin that is also deeply depressed, and that has been throigh roigher patchrs than i have. i always saw her as kinda my reslomsability, bc i was "well" and she wasnt. well, bc of all that, she loved to make fum of me. her parents used to unintentionally put us against each other and compare us, bc i wad the golden child and she was FUCKING DEPRESSED AND DIDNT LIKE SCHOOL BC PPL KEPT BULLYING HER AND COMPARING HER TO ME.

she made fun of everything i liked, and sometimes i even discovered that she liked the stuff too, she just wanted to seem batter than me in something. which i got at the time, and still get, but it fucking hurt and it made me fearful of ever liking things, in fear of being made fun of

which takes me to another place: school. i was made fun of for basically everything, and i just recently realized i was bullied for my autistic traits: not getting jokes and sarcasm, speaking differently, being too nerdy, too shy, too stupid, too slow, too much. i was always too much and never enough at the same time, never enough for ppm to like me

dont get me wrong i had friends. some amazing ppl that i still hold dear, some not so much. but it was hard knowing most of my class didnt care for me.

i also went through a "not like other girls" phase, where i thought if i liked boybands, tvshows, celebrities, gossip, etc, i was the most vain and uninteresting human being to ever exist, and no one would like me. so i forced myself to walk away. i didnt have a boyband phase or a tv show i binged untill i was 14/15, bc i didnt let myself get invested. i thought only "interesting, non basic" " girls" got to live their romances that i always dreamed of.

i got really hooked on shadowhunters through 2019 and 2020, even attended an online con that i almost didnt tell my mom abaout because i was so ashamed and scardd of being seen as...a kid, that i was(am). i didnt want to be immature enough to invest myself on celebrity gossip and tv shows. i was supposed to study, maybe read some ya books, but mostly classics.

throught he pandemic i got hit with some of my worst depressive episodes, suicidal thoughts, body dysmorphia, disordered eating, anxiety and gender dyphoria. and guilt for feeling all of those while being in a very orivileged situation.

so i turned inwards, like i always did, eps when things got difficult. i read and re-read so many books, binge watched tv shows, barely talked to anyone outside of class. i started letting myself like things, but still felt guilty at every turn, which fueled all of my worst instincts

i still feel guilty for liking "stupid" things. for liking tv shows and thirsting over characters and rereading books and following popular creators. i dont wanna lose the label of "smart" that i always thought was my best quality.

i still try no to show i like things, recently ive been hyperfixated on titans, esp. brenton thwaites and dick grayson bc i am a massive bisexual w a massive crush. and i wanna fo something that i always try to do when i like/obsess with an actor: watch as much of their fulms as i can. even if they are bad. even if they had the budged of 5 dollars plus a camera. i dont care. but i feel so fucking stupid for not caring bc it shouldnt be some pretty face that draws me to a film

it should be the photography(which i absolutely love, btw) or the theme, or the director or whatever it is film buffs use to pick movies. this is where the internalized transphobia and misogyny come in at full force: society doesnt let teenage girls get away with liking anything w/o being made fun of. they are called obsessed, crazy, stalkers, vain, stupid, dumb,etc. and i feel like i am. that is the worst.its as if i agree w all those horrivle things ppl say abt girls and liking things, and it makes me dysphoric. it is so weird how this abstract conceot of being seen as a vain stuoid teen girl can make me feel bad abt my identity.

(btw girls who like stuff. yall are the backbone of yhis site, you are smart, creative, funny, and i lovs you with all my heart)

i also realized i dont know how to a man in fandom.how to be a fanboy and not a fangirl. is it any different? do i have to be more closed off? do i have to speak less? was i actually right to shut up abt my interests this whole time? is that part of the masculine in me? if so, why does it hurt so much, when being masc in every other way feels soo good, so freeing?

this is much longer than it was intended or ever needed to be, and yet it covers like, half of my psychological issues lol.

this is me trying to give myself permussion to watch other works w brenton thwaites lol

if you relate in ny way shaoe or form to this, i am sorry, i love you, and you are allowed to like things.

[lostbbygorl]

LEVI WITH ERWIN'S DAUGHTER PART 1:

✨ I have a hc that before Erwin became the steely balled commander we know him as today, he wasnt THAT responsible

✨ He was always sweet and smart and inquisitive but my mans lost himself for a second in his teen years too-

✨ When your bestie had a child with a woman (Marie) who left him for the dude he lowkey wants to murder (Nile) at 17 and shes kind of hitting: Levi Acker-fml

✨ So in this situation, Erwin is 41 with a 24 year old daughter and Levi finally meets her

✨ Erwin loves his daughter with all his heart

✨ Which is why he wants to keep her away from anything even remotely titan or military related. Hange and Levi know all about her, but they've never met her

✨ She's literally forbidden from entering the base lmao Erwin is PARANOID

✨ He's been going off about how cool and pretty she is for 24 years and Levi is like "so umm u wanna show us?" and Erwin is like 🤬 no 😋

✨ Erwin has friends outside the military and I hc his mom is still alive so Y/N is super close with her grandma and only maternal figure in her life cuz Marie wants nothing to do with her own child ffs

✨ She's been doing school and uni and all that. Has inherited her father's amazing bone structure, looks, and ofc smarts

✨ After a certain age she got tired of how distant Erwin became and she wants her dad back. So she does smth that she knows will piss Erwin off...

✨ In the middle of the night, when Y/N was sure her grandma was fast asleep, she grabbed a few essential products (dagger, writing material, water, personal hygiene stuff) and sneaked out of the house. Y/N knew how to ride horses and was a skilled fighter because Erwin thought it's important she knows all this incase she needs it to save her life one day.

✨ Erwin told her where exactly the military base is incase of an energy. Mistake or goated move? You decide. Y/N found her father's old hood from years ago when he first joined the military. Like everything he owned, despote being over 10 years old it was still in amazing condition and very comfy. It also allowed her to blend in with others at the base

✨ The night was stormy and the journey to the base wasn't easy. But Y/N had made her desicion. There was no stopping her now. She'd devote her soul to humanity and fight alongside her father. He couldn't stop her now. She was a grown woman. Y/N remembered the directions to his office. She remembered every floor and and turn he told her

✨ She was glad to see that his door wasn't locked when she turned the doorknob. So with raindrops dripping from her soaked figure, she barged inside his office and took her hood off. Her father wasn't alone, but the other 2 parties didn't matter at all. With defiance, she stared into his blue eyes. Her father was shocked and angry

✨ " Dad, I'm here to dedicate my heart to humanity and join you in the military. Please recruit me as a scout. I won't go away if you tell me to"

✨ Levi's thoughts in order:

" This bitch really dripping all that water on these newly waxed floors"

" Nah but she kind of bad so-"

" WAIT HOL HOL HOL-

DID SHE JUST SAY 'DAD'?"

" THIS is Y/N???"

" I'm bored asf drama time ayyeee"

[oldserah]

Ultimate Ship Meme

“Your All that's left, But I Cannot not Love thee”

Eden Genesis Rook ✂❤ Joseph Seed

[this is late/rushed as im still unpacking stuff into my uni accommodation]

Tagged by @clutch-wept​    [thank youuu]

Tagging: whomever wishes

General

Rate the Ship:

Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last?

Long time most likely even if they took breaks, they would be the couple that would stay together even if they hated each other 

How quickly did/will they fall in love?

It was slow and happened over time from back when they first met and Resparked when they met again and through out the game, its an underlying thing that they dont really admit to [?]

How was their first kiss?

It was Slow an unexpected, a kiss and walk away situation

Wedding

Note: In the Canon Fc5 Timeline they dont really get married, its just a spoken commitment to one another.

Who proposed?

Joseph did, Genesis had been married to many times that she started giving up on the idea of it and was settleing for realtionships she belived would inevitably end

Who is the best man/men?

Jacob, He’s the oldest brother

Who is the bride’s maid(s)?

Gen Most likely would of had her siblings / daughter be a brides maid with a friend or two like Kim. Joseph may of asked her to allow faith to be one aswell.

Who did the most planning?

Joseph primarily with Faith and her sister Joyce aiding him

Who stressed the most?

Genesis, she started to get cold feet as marriage just never worked for her and guilt as Joseph was her best friends husband before she died.

How fancy was the ceremony?

Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big. 

[Joseph and Gen would of made it pretty but more simple, alas others thought a bit differently]

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding?

less of who wasnt invited and more of who may not of accepted, which would likley be members of the resistance [i havent thought about this sooooo i dunno]

 Sex

Who is on top?

Gen preffers to be on top more often than being on the bottom but they switch it up

Who is the one to instigate things?

they are both good at initiating, but Joseph sometimes more likely

How healthy is their sex life?

Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

How kinky are they?

Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head [Joseph may be more Missionary than most, but Genesis sure isnt]

How long do they normally last?

Varies, short in quickies, but normally long sessions.

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms?

Joseph is a Pleaser so their less Equality 

How rough are they in bed?

Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it. 

[they have their Rougher Moments and then the more Slower Romantic moments]

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do?

No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

[Joseph can be touchy in public but Gen like minimal pda unless she starts it]

Children

How many children will they have naturally?

they have 7 in fcnd soo, 7

How many children will they adopt?

Dependant, Gen Technically Adopts Ethan [and its still being decided if all of the 7 are biological or adopted]

Who gets stuck with the most diapers?

Equal, Gen has always been more motherly as she basically took care of her siblings and she had kids young, but Joseph is touchy feely so he wants to equally take care of the kids, but if Gen knows about what he did to his kid she is Paranoid and hovers / doesnt allow him or anyone in the cult near or alone with the first kid.

Who is the stricter parent?

Both ish, situational

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school?

Gen as she’s typically taking care of the kids when Joseph is absent [unless shes working if shes still working]

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)?

Joseph as he makes meals more

Who is the more loved parent?

Genesis Because she stayed/around [que fcnd abandoment issues]

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings?

They attempt to Attend together more than not, if not Joseph

Who cried the most at graduation?

The other Parents

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law?

John

 Cooking

Who does the most cooking?

Joseph

Who is the most picky in their food choice?

Neither try to be picky, but they have their prefernces

Who does the grocery shopping?

The Cult loves to serve the Father, Gen will go get her own stuff when she has time

How often do they bake desserts?

Gen cannot bake to save her life, Joseph will when he has time to.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater?

They eat both, but Gen is More a Meat Lover than Joseph

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner?

Joseph

Who is more likely to suggest going out?

Gen because its  a treat and while she can cook its not her fav thing to do.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidentally while cooking?

Joseph if he gets Distracted by the Voice or something.

 Chores

Who cleans the room?

The House is Generally Clean to begin with, the cult may clean the rest of the house [which Gen hate] so she has a rule of noone is allowed in the personal spaces like bedroom. Normally its the last out of the room will clean it if its messy.

Who is really against chores?

Neither they like a clean house.

Who cleans up after the pets?

Gen more typically as she belives that if your gonna get a pet they you are responsible for clean up after it, that and she knows how to take care and handle a snake where as joseph really doesnt.

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug?

Neither

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over?

Both to a Degree, Gen is normally more lack about it but wants things to look clean but like its a home, Joseph has an image to maintane so he wants to to look good with Guest. Their Calm Stresser’s.

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning?

A Lucky Cultist

 Misc.

Who takes the longer showers/baths?

Gen Takes Quick Showers, Joseph takes longer baths. 

Who takes the dog out for a walk?

Gen will, specially when shes going for a run.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays?

Gen will Decorate if she has Family coming over or Kids, But Joseph wants to spend them with his family so he likes to gather them all to do it for memories, Gen tends to sit out during this.

What are their goals for the relationship?

Joseph wants to save Everyone and build a family, for him Gen is a Person who is lost but is a good mother from experience. He Belives he could save her despite all her wrongs.

Gen is just looking for an Equal who will accept her for all she is and for all her faults and failings. She’s not perfect and her past hasnt been the best, but deep down she wants a home for her where she feels safe.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon?

Joseph if hes been up all night writing or talking to the voice. Gen if shes been out all night, but they tend to be early risers.

Who plays the most pranks?

Neither

[loveisbraveandwild]

hi so i’ve gotten a lot of messages and asks/anons about attending the city of lover concert and i just want to tell my experience and explain how it happened, as well as address some things like my “views” on international fans and class. a lot of people are excited for me but i also came back tot some really really really hateful anons so i just wanted to clear everything up. the post is very long but it basically talks about being abroad, going to sessions, and then this weekend in paris.

as you may or may not know i’m currently doing a semester abroad in germany. i’m really fortunate to go to a university in the states that has a strong study abroad program allowing me to study in germany without paying an additional cost from what i already pay my uni. knowing i was going abroad, i saved as much money as possible because i knew i wanted to travel. because of my visa, i am not allowed to work in germany. i haven’t not had a job since middle school. as a full time student in the states i also work three jobs. during the summer i was working around 50-70 hours a week. i’m privileged and fortunate enough to be able to take out a lot of student loans and what i can’t take out, my parents pay. aside from my education, i fully pay for everything. traveling while abroad was a priority for me so i was able to save a good bit a money.

in addition to saving for abroad i was pocketing about $10/week for what at the time i knew to be the ts7 tour. when i got my call to go to rhode island and then nashville i spent every dollar i had for tour on a plane and airbnb in nashville. other people stayed in hotels, i stayed in a $34/night airbnb and while i always imagined my dad would be there when i met taylor, he couldn’t come. i was lucky that many of my friends who i met up with in nashville had parents generous enough to pay for multiple meals of mine. despite all of this, i recognize my privilege of being able to go to sessions. i was saving for things that definitely aren’t necessities because i have the means to between my babysitting, sales associate, and paid internship jobs. while i havent spoken about it much because i honestly don’t know how to talk about it without getting backlash, i want to make it very clear that i do not for a second take for granted the fact that i was able to fly to nashville with 8 days notice as a result of the class and financial situation i am currently in. 

going back to abroad, i knew i was going to paris. i didn’t know when but its been a dream of mine since i started learning french at age 11. i imagined a short weekend with a few abroad friends to site see. when taylor announced the city of lover concert, i reached out to a couple of my international fan mutuals with the hopes of being able to meet up with them. i knew this concert was for international fans and i never for one second considered taking an opportunity away from an international fan. when yas and i discussed going to paris together it was clear that had she won tickets, she was going to go with someone else despite us staying together because we know there are people who have never seen taylor because of where they live. my plan was to go to the venue and meet up with friends and maybe catch a glimpse of scott or tree if we were lucky. i got a round trip flight for 97 euros and stayed in a hostel and explored paris alone for a few days until yas came to paris. my program doesn’t allow friday classes so i left thursday evening and then flew back to germany at 4am this morning because i had class at 9am. i did skip class on monday though, something i am eternally grateful for being able to do. 

the day of the concert we arrived around 3 and met up with the handful of people we knew were going. the day of the concert i learned that doors opened at 6:00pm and the concert started at 8:30pm. i didn’t know this until i was in paris. i also got pickpocketed the day before the concert so wasn’t able to access social media with the exception of a few times because of yas’s generosity and willingness to let me use her phone. had i had full access to my phone, i would have posted when and where the concert was.

when we arrived there was a barricade section of people without tickets but with the hopes of going in. there were about two dozen of them and almost all, if not all of them were european swifties. we found it odd that they were holding these people considering staff said multiple times that there were no more tickets. however, yas and i were still planning to leave at around 6:15/6:30 after everyone was let into the concert. at around 5:45 we were still there, people were getting excited, and i said to yas “i want to get into the barricade. what’s the worst that can happen.” after they let the first group of people into the concert venue they opened the barricade and gave us all bracelets. i was about fifth from last to get my bracelet and they still had what looked to be 20 or so more bracelets to give out. i was shocked. i was crying, shaking, smiling, all the good things. i could not believe what was happened. i never went to the venue with the intentions of getting in even for a second but i knew that if i got into the barricade with literally fifteen minutes until the doors opened i wouldn’t be taking a spot from anyone if they did distribute tickets. there’s no way anyone could have predicted they would let us in because staff made if very clear both day of and days leading up to the event that all the tickets were won or bought. me being there did not take a spot away from anyone. if i hadn’t gone in that would have been one less person at the concert, not one more spot for an international fan. i recognize my privilege of being able to go to paris at all, let alone with someone i had never met before for an event i wasnt even going to. 

i spoke a lot about the concert leading up to it, in addition to the experiences i’ve had since being abroad the last few weeks. i had no idea what its like to be an international fan and im frustrated that it took me walking a mile in international fans shoes to actually speak about it. i should have said something sooner, and i know that. i still stand by every single thing i said or reblogged about the injustices of being an international fan. again, my experience at the concert was not in spite of international fans. i want to continue to be an ally for international fans if welcomed to, but many of the anons i got suggested i should never talk about it again. additionally, i got a lot of asks about my privilege. this is something i know i need to address more directly and its honestly one of the hardest issues for me to talk about. the school i go to and the people i am surrounded by often puts me on the lower class side but in the real world and in this fandom i know i am extremely privileged. im not well educated on how to talk about my class privilege but its something i very much want to learn and so i am actively trying. this fandom has already taught me so much.

i’m sorry this is so long but i needed to get my story out because i’m still very distraught by the dozens of hateful asks i got about the concert. this was easily the second best weekend of my life and i boarded my plane back to germany shaking over the anons i knew i would come back to. i understand all the anger and frustration because i know there are people who have been here for years without even a notice let alone the opportunities i’ve gotten over the past month and a half. i want to talk about it but only in a constructive manner. i still dont have my phone to replies will be delayed but please feel free to comment, send me asks/anons, or messages if you took the time to read this post. 

[lilytcyip]

December 31st, 2019

1.3 tera v w/ rjin & ggao

1.4 cactus & la foret w/ jng

1.8 talked it out with jng ; tried to understand that if i were happy, what more could you ask for

1.11 cyns bday dinner

1.11 craft beer w/ aleung & lwong

1.13 arisu & standing egg with efeng & aleung ; drove on highway for the first time

1.18 west dineout w/ annie pkp

1.19 glass w/ fifi

2.10 first snow of the year

2.3 cny lunch at home with the fam - tong yuen & poon choi

2.4 mooseknuckles - grateful

2.5 lunar new year

2.16 hangiout with mamayip & sis: beta 5, fixing the parka, meetfresh, miku sushi dindin

2.17 mom leaving for 2 months, wandering earth with the yips

2.19 happy hour cactus w/ fifi

2.20 kokoro lunch & shopping w/ rjin

2.20 so hyang w/ veda & nwu

2.21 black been noodles & tonkatsu lunch & usagi matcha sweets w/ ewong

2.22 green leaf sushi & grounds for coffee w/ vtan

2.25 sushi mura w/ acao ; larry berg planes and kisses for the first time

3.13 mental health talk w/ nwu & tchiu + jamjar

3.15 virtuous pie & nanas green tea w/ rjin

3.16 wine night w/ claw, aleung & fsyal

3.17 tabom & stanely park w/ jerpilla

3.23 pool & rc shopping with jyang

4.3 studying with jyang on campus & langara bye

4.9 studying with jyang at my house

4.18 ramen danbo & official date 

4.20 so hyang & off the grid waffles w/ ayip

4.26 sci ning off w/ aleung, claw, fsyal, lwong & mcheung

4.27 clay llama terra pot class

4.29 so hyang budae jjigae & yifang w/ ewong

4.30 rc shopping & sushi lover with the yips 

5.1 maenam, kits beach & rain or shiine ice cream w/ rjin

5.2 our first little tiff & being called chubby by mlo

5.3 shopping w/ vchan, aleung & fsyal

5.7-5.11 LA trip

5.8 LACMA & melrose & century city field

5.9 warner bros tour

5.10 malibu

5.28-6.1 hokkaido, japan

5.29 a 2-floor hotel with own onsen

5.31 otaru food adventures

6.1 doraemon painting & royce airport

6.2 macau: got scammed by taxi & lost luggage

6.7-6.15 inner mongolia & beijing

6.18 first co op offer 

6.21 fire port party at fifis house

6.29 pottery painting w lwong, aleung, vchan, fsyal

7.5 brunch w/ rjin at jethro’s fine grub, baker & table

7.6 nwu’s birthday dindin at coast, hangout with aleung & nwu at nightingale

7.14 leavenworth cherries

7.17 brunch w/ rjin at OEB

7.19 nightmarket w/ jyang, mlaw, rjin

7.21 beach day w/ aleung, fsyal & lwong; hy’s with fam

7.24 chau veggies w/ acao

7.27 shiok & icy bar w/ ewong

8.3 first day of work at doctors office

8.4 escape room w/ vchan, fsyal & jyang; bowling & anh and chi

8.17 dindin w/ fsyal, aleung & tlim; double date walks at olympic village with ancas

8.18 - 8.19 kelowna

8.18 polar grove & penticton lazy river, mission hill

8.19 kayaking, quail’s gate

8.24 lit night at fifis house with the girls and boys

8.25 aleung’s bday harrison trip

8.27 work shopping & nuba w/ fsyal

8.28 sleepover w/ rjin

8.29 brunch w/ aleung, moii cafe chill with fsyal too

9.3 first day of co op work

9.7 grave of the fireflies & wildtale cuddles

9.14 eric chou meet & greet

9.19 amandarachlee neg comment and posted my encouragement on her story

10.5 maiko parfait & shopping w/ jyang, earls with the amigos

10.18 gmen & oncecake: melody, rillakuma, card & collage

10.24 dark table w/ rjin

11.7 moii after work 

12.15 baking custard souffle pancakes w/ ewong

12.18 office christmas party & bbt w/ slim

12.19 glow

12.21 fifi’s christmas party

12.22 christmas market w/ rjin: churros & chimney cake

12.23 psyc team secret santa & mahjong

12.25 christmas dindin at market by jean-georges

12.26 birthday dindin at zeferelli

12.27 ring & birthday dinner at brix and mortar w/ jyang

12.28 skated alone, worked out, baked & dindin at botanist

looking back at it now, i definitely went out a lot more compared to previous years LOL i had some struggles in january, and at multiple points in my life i blamed myself for being ungrateful, for seeking more when i already had so much in life compared to other people. my friends were there for me and i wouldnt have been able to live through it without them. then again, during reading break in february, i got myself into the same hot mess and i was sad about it for a week and i blamed myself for getting so attached so quickly. because of these experiences, my expectations were v low and i didnt really expect anything when i talked to jyang, what they say really is true, you get it the moment you stop seeking for it. it comes and find you (: the 3 most important that happened this year is burbur, co op job & me getting more comfortable around doggs; this is a big deal !! i actually like cuddling dogs and i feel less scared of them as long as i have some time to get used to them!! im proud of myself for making progress with my phobia! after i started my co op job, bc i didnt have a lot to do, i felt like i wasnt actively contributing to my workplace and that i was very useless. i still feel the same way now, but i think i am slowly getting used to it. thankfully, my coworkers are VERY nice and i enjoy working around them. while i did not get a different position for january, im still grateful that i got an extended placement. nonetheless, meeting with the different PIs and sumeet pointed me in the right direction of looking for nserc / volunteering opportunities when i do go back to school. AND ofc burbur! im grateful that we were able to be there for each other for the past 8 months, both the ups and downs and i am so so thankful that we’re understanding and patient with each other, as we help each other learn along the way and help each other become a better version of ourselves. this companionship is better than i have asked for and i always remind myself to focus on the important things rather than the minor inconveniences. this year, in terms of fitness goals, ive been doing really well before asia. but ever since i came back, it all went downhill and i gained back all the weight that i lost this year year LOL so in 2020, one of my biggest goal is to eat healthy again, and workout more consistently. getting a job in sept kinda interfered with my progress too, bc i was so tired after work, even when i wasnt doing anything and i stressed eat bc i felt terrible. a lot of diff factors made me feel super stressed, and the fact that i wasnt eating clean / exercising reguarly made me feel worse about the whole situation ): so in 2020, maintaining a healthy lifestyle will be one of my top priorities and gifting myself a healthy body is one of greatest things i can do for myself. this also contributed to the lack of journalling near the end of the year, it felt like bc i wasnt doing the things i was “supposed to do”, i just felt so bad whenever i couldnt tick off that particular habit whenever i fill in my trackers. but tonight, i watched this video and it talked about habits should be for awareness, not for self-hate or self-loathing. this is something that i need to keep in mind. ever since april really, the issue of leaving my house and meeting up with my friends have always stressed me in fear of dealing with passive aggressiveness with my mom lool everytime i get inviited to plans, i just get anxiety about having to tell her about it LOL and even when im out, having a msg/ call for her freaks me out in fear that she will get mad at me for being home late and etc and fifi really woke me up with her words, i should just care less LOL i need to stop caring so much about what she thinks, bc at the end of the day, this IS my life and if i never make any changes, i will never be able to grow and be independent. i think this pree much sums up all my events and emotions in 2019, the last year of the 2010s. in the next decade, a lot of things will happen as i will be in my 20s - 30s, where new opportunities will arise, and graduate uni, do my masters, find a job, maybe even marry and move out LOL the 2020s will definitely be an impt decade, but just for next year i want to:

1. understand that i am old enough to make choices, and in general, care less about what she thinks

2. at the same time, i want to appreciate and be grateful for what my mom, dad and annie have done for me; a lot of the times, i feel like i take them for granted just bc i know they will always be there for me and this is not how you should treat your biggest supporters

3. trust that everything will workout in the end, while you may not be able to envision what you career / life would be like when youre 30, you can definitely take small steps and move towards your goal

4. be mindful of what i eat and exercise regularly (4x hiit & cardio a week) ; treats & sweets in moderation; use those habit trackers for awareness, not for self-loathing / self-hate

5. create art regularly, read more and at least do 5 duolingos every week! 

every year, time just seems to go by faster and faster and i feel scared at times. as i type this, theres only 8 minutes left of this decade LOL so in 2020, continue to live in the moment, be present, cherish those that are around you, and have faith that everything will come together, one piece at a time. at the same time, always rmb that you can make small changes to be a better version of yourself, whenever & however you want and this is the 1 thing that other people can’t stop you from doing! 

[wing--it]

If you don't mind me asking, when did you find out you were asexual? - a questioning ace

hi!! ofc i dont mind you asking!

okay im gonna tell a little story which has come to be known as ‘the burger story’

under a read more bc its long as heck

so during high school i was super super shy and awkward, and i didnt like anyone to ever come near me. when the other people in my year starting dating and stuff i was just really Not Interested and in all honesty, i felt way too immature to be doing some of the things that i knew other people my age were doing. i knew i didnt want to date anyone but i always just put that down to being shy? and i figured i’d just find someone later in life and that was okay

and then i went to uni, and i finally got my glow up (!!), learned how to do my makeup properly and started slowly getting more confident talking to people. more guys started being interested in me, which was kinda confusing to me bc in my head im still an awkward teenager with zits and a bad sense of fashion lmao. so i had a few people here and there asking me out but again i just really wasnt interested and would much rather be on my own instead. i did try and get close to guys (usually when i was drunk lmao) and that was fine but not like ?? just not exciting like it seemed to be for everyone else. i think half the time i was just doing it because that’s what everyone else was doing, and i didnt want to be left out

so then i was like huh maybe im gay?? and i thought about that for a little while and even though i feel more comfortable around girls, i didnt actually feel attracted to girls anymore than i did to guys

by this point i was bored of wondering about my sexuality so i just decided to go with the flow for a while. and then i found out that this one guy i’d been good friends with for a few months liked me, and for once i didnt feel like i needed to reject him or push him away, i was happy with letting him be closer. he was really kind and gentle with me, would answer the phone at 4am when i called him even though he had to get up early for work and he’d carry me home when my heels were hurting, just an all around good guy

he wasnt my boyfriend or anything but we’d spend time together and make out and i felt pretty comfortable with him which is a rarity bc like i said, most of the time i’d just rather be by myself. i wasnt feeling the ‘spark’ that you hear people talk about in movies and i didnt want to, like, rip his clothes off when i saw him but i liked him and we got on well so that was enough for me

so this one night me, him and all our pals went on a night out together and as per standard on the way home we stopped at good old maccy d’s and i got a 99p cheeseburger like the queen that i am. and we all got a taxi back to our student halls and everyone started heading inside but he pulled me back and the two of us stayed outside

now i was still drunk at this point but i have a really clear memory of this moment in my mind lmao.we started to kiss and i put my arms around his shoulders, still clinging to my lil cheeseburger in one hand. i started to get bored of the kiss after a few minutes so i opened my eyes, and all i could do was gaze at my cheeseburger over his shoulder and i had this moment of ‘wow i’d so much rather be alone eating my cheeseburger than doing this right now’. a cheeseburger epiphany, if you will

so i pulled away from him and gave him the fastest ‘see ya pal’ of my life lmao and tottered up to my flat. i didnt think much of it on the actual night but i thought about it a lot afterwards, about how little interest i had in having sex with him. i thought that if i didnt want to sleep with this guy, who i liked and had a lot in common with and felt comfortable with, did that mean i’d ever find someone i’d want to sleep with?

i’d seen the term asexual floating around on tumblr and it seemed to fit in with everything i felt so i rolled with that. im not a big fan of putting labels on myself though; i dont want to close myself off to romance or sex completely because theres still a chance that in the future i will meet someone whose clothes i want to rip off, but it hasnt happened yet and for right now im happy with the way that things are

so my advice to you would be to find someone nice to kiss, treat yourself to something off the mcdonalds saver menu and see what happens next (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

lmaoo but yeah in all seriousness, its taken years for me to decide on and come to terms with maybe being asexual (i’ve only actually told one person irl that im probably ace). if you think you might be asexual too then i hope i’ve been able to help in some way, all i’d say is dont try to rush the decision and just let yourself decide over time using your own experience

and if you do end up learning something about your sexuality then great!! pls keep me updated, i’d love to chat some more!

[jolie-auletta]

Lose Yourself, To Find Yourself.

So, I had the honour of being part of an international women’s day seminar yesterday. Hosted by the beautiful Gaia Rose, at her annual awakened woman gathering.

Part of a 7 woman strong team, I made my first public speech.

Stood in front of 50 women I didn’t know, I spoke about something that had impacted my life. How I fully and completely lost myself, but found my true self by doing so.

So here goes;

When I first found out I was going to be speaking today, I was an anxiety ridden mess, I was almost automatically filled with all kinds of insecurities. What if my story isnt as exciting as everybody elses. What if people judge me. What if I dont even inspire any one?

And as normal as that thought process is for someone who has never spoken in public before, it isnt actually very logical.

While I was writing this speech I sent it over to my friend to read over and I told her I felt somewhat guilty for mentioning someone from my past.

I am literally about to say things to a room of strangers that I've never even said a loud before!

But that's when it hit me, I want to be part of teaching our daughters and the next generation of women to not be afraid of simply speaking the truth!

I was always an intelligent kid. I taught myself how to speak other languages, play musical instruments, top of the class.. so I should have been a grade A student, gone to uni and I could have been living 'the dream' right now.

I know that the dream is just perspective. The dream is what you make it. But what I’m trying to say, is I could have had a smooth and easy life, if things had been different.

I don't dwell on that though, devine alignment is something I speak of often. All that is meant to be, will be.

My secondary school days were awful. I started later than I should have, so perhaps that had something to do with it? I don't know. But I felt like I was just always having to try harder than normal, just to make friends. Constantly seeking approval from my peers, constantly trying to be ‘one of them’.

What I've realised it comes down to, is I've just never had good social skills. Which no body believes when I tell them because I come across so confident and eccentric!

But honestly I'm what I like to call a social chameleon. I can blend in with any group, but it's all down to analysis of behaviours and mimicking. In a sense it's just acting.

And that's what school was like for me, I shuffled between groups, making friends then falling out with them over things I just didn't understand at the time

It's like I just didn't know how to integrate with people , or be myself.

So along with feeling like I has no real friends.. I was actually bullied too. The entire time.

I remember having to leave school early just to avoid confrontation. The worst part is, I didn't tell a soul I until I was 25? So a whole 10 years went by without even telling my own mum that I was bullied!

That's something I really regret now. Because I believe it all stems from there and if I had reached out to someone, it could have all been different.

Anyway, the last year of school rolled round and I'm obviously so happy to leave!

But then this fear kicked in. What if I get bullied again!?

So I had an ingenius plan. (in hindsight this was not an ingenius plan at all)

I firstly completely went off radar. I chose a college in a new area, where no one would know me and heres the ingenius part. I made a new personality. Who is the most unbullyable person, I thought? All my previous bullies where quite 'rude girl' personas, so thats when i pieced everything together and decided who I’d be.

And it worked. No one picked on me and I was actually popular.

The mask was working, but that’s all it was, a mask.

I was still constantly seeking approval from people, always trying to be what I thought other people thought was cool, not what I actually thought was cool.

About 8 years ago, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and BPD. I was on medication but I took myself off of them when I fell pregnant. I did see a psychiatrist for a number of years, but I'm due to have another evaluation because I tick a lot of the boxes for autism!

This was literally a lightbulb moment! When I found out I could be on the spectrum- everything in my life made sense. And it turns out its really common for women with autism to go under the radar, or be diagnosed with depression, anxiety or bipolar/bpd like I was, and that's it, autism isn't even considered.

I am quite obviously high functioning, but every day scenarios like dealing with my emotions, sensory predicaments and simple socialising are a daily battle for me.

I have done A LOT of self healing and I have made a lot of progress, but I have come to the conclusion that whether I'm one, none, or all of the above , I just don't fit in a box and that's okay!!

I found my release in music, it was a coping mechanism, a world to get lost in.

But this leads me onto the second part of my story. During my music years, I met someone who would change my life.

A narccissist.

As i said before i do believe everything happens in devine order and its all lead me to where I am today. And I don't even hold a grudge towards this person. What's done is done.

And we were actually friends for a long while before getting together, we were best friends in fact, I can't even fault the friendship.

But the relationship was TOXIC!

The mental abuse was off the scale. And he also introduced me to cocaine. Now, in the beginning, it was all fun and games. Parties, recreational and I had no responsibilities in life so I thought why the hell not.

But it became more than that. He got me involved in not only taking it, but selling it too.

The entire relationship became based on that.

And ultimately it was detrimental to my soul.

I didnt even recognise myself. My family didn’t recognise me. It was like I had all these layers of personality I had invented to hide behind, but I couldn’t even remember who I was underneath it all!

I became more and more involved in this crazy lifestyle, so much so I ended up in prison because of it.

Honestly I look back and just think, how could I be so STUPID. It took me so long to admit that I was in a controlling and abusive relationship.

This guy had a hold on me. The kind of hold only a narccissist can have.

This wasnt some teenage crush where i 'loved' him so much and I'd do anything for him. I was a crushed soul, bowing down to a dictator.

I did what he wanted, when he wanted. I didn’t even exist. It was all about him.

My mental state was in pieces.

Im honestly so embarrased to tell people Ive been to jail. I mean even saying the word jail. It makes me cringe. I rarely tell people. There are family members that don’t even know!

But that prison freed me. From the jail that was my own body.

Its almost heartbreaking to think of myself all alone in a cell, no friends or family , but I had time to be on my own. With ME! The actual me, not the me I had been playing the part of for the last god knows how many years.

I honestly remember the day the penny dropped, it was when I put my nose ring back in. It sounds so crazy, but when I put it back in, all the pieces of me started to sort of fall into place too. I wore the clothes I wanted. I wore my hair how I wanted and I was starting to love being me again.

The mask was off! I existed again! And that was a beautiful feeling!

I can’t believe I’d kept up this charade for so many years! I should have been an actress, seriously 😂

So fast forward to today, I have a daughter, My Isabella Amethyst. I honestly love her more than I ever thought was even possible and she has played a major role in me becoming the person I am today, because she deserves me at my best and no less.

Another point to make is… As some one who was too foreign for the white folk; yet too white to be black… my whole life I had never fit in to a ‘group’.

I started researching my ancestral heritage and had a deep spiritual connection with the Italian and Spanish parts of my DNA. I even discovered I had Amerindian and oceanic DNA. Which was amazing and even more soul grabbing for me, it gave me a sense of belonging.

A lot of people say wow jode, you've changed so much!

But i am now, who I actually was before I was pressured in to believing I wasn't good enough as myself! Before I invented a new me, just to fit in with everyone else!

So along with becoming a parent, Ive managed to start my own holistic business too!

I do everything I love now, everything that makes my soul happy. I say yes to my intuition and say no to anything that doesn't serve me. We as women have to learn put ourselves first! We have to learn to trust ourselves, love ourselves and actually learn to be a bit selfish!

Life has given me some lemons, as they say. My world was incredibly sour at times and I have found my self in the darkest of corners, alone. But as clische as it is, after the darkness comes light.

I can wholeheartedly say that although I may not be 'living the dream' I could have been, if I had chosen all the 'right' paths in life, I am infact HAPPY. My soul is content and I am ME.

No matter what any of us have been through in life, we not only grow through it, we can flurish beyond it. These awful things happen to us, but they do not define us.

Sometimes we just have to lose ourselves, to find ourselves.

[letters-to-barton]

its so unfair. everything is. im trying really really hard to be okay with doing things on my own, but its hard. i want you here. i want you here when i pick out my university, i want to hold your hand as i send in my application. i hate this.

i dont really feel like i have any close friends at all. like, no one to go to for support when i just want to talk. people tell me youre supposed to make close friends in uni, but i didnt go yet. i mean, destiny is my best friend, but we dont hang out much. shes not really the type. and i guess in the past, i wasnt either. my ef trip brought me outside my comfort zone in that way, i learned to enjoy just hanging out with people. at least a little more. im not always having fun and thats okay too, and sometimes i still feel really drained and it seems like i need 3-4 business days to recover after a day out. and yet somehow, that never happens with you. i dont know why. i wish i could just figure out the fucking formula and not feel like i need to be around you just to be comfortable. i dont want to be that kind of person. i dont know. 

im worried that ill never be able to make close friends. i feel like i lose people so easily. and again, because i get overstimulated from going to school in person, i always planned on studying remotely. being there in a classroom or auditorium is too much for me - i can never focus on just listening, because people are huge distractions. even a “quiet” classroom is horrible. during my gymnasium years, i would get to sit in a separate classroom and do the test on my own because i couldnt focus if i wasnt alone. i was lucky that i was a bit of a teachers pet and the teachers trusted me to do this unsupervised, lol,

ive been such a different person on my ef trip, and i dont know how to... keep up with that? like, i want to hang out with people, but i dont know who to hang out with. i dont have anyone like that. i wish i had spent more time making friends when i was younger so i would have friends now, because now i dont know how to do it. i wish i didnt have social anxiety and could just talk to people in public that i find interesting. i wish i was so many different things, and i keep thinking i should just be those things but i dont know how. you make it look so easy. and now im worried that i wont get the chance to make friends in uni either. like, im not in a dorm or a classroom or anything and im trying to just focus on studying and doing it remotely works best for me, and im just back to square one which is being alone and miserable. how the fuck do you make friends? like, when youre not forced to be around them, because of studying or working together? i dont know how to do it. i really liked hanging out with lou and faith, but when will i get the chance to do that again? i wish ef didnt bring people together just to tear them apart.

[sailorhyunjinz]

im doing ok. i got a 70 on my math test AND science test (as if failing one wasnt enough) so thats there. bUT school ends on the 28th!!! so i cant wait for that and to spend the summer with my best friend (tom holland simp) ! what are u excited for? - lila

IS 70 GOOD?? i dont know the ~fancy number system~ but it sounds good?? BUT GOOD JOB REGARDLESS!!! <33

awh thats great!! you should rest and really take time for yourself and your wellbeing during the summer!! ^^ im just honestly so excited to graduate, sure im going to uni after the summer but im sooooo tired from school, ive tried my best for the latest three years of hs and it has paid off,,, but at what cost?? i just want to have nothing to do, focusing on writing and doing shit i actually wanna do!! im gonna start painting and writing more, hang out with friends and just not worry!! last summer was probably the worst and the best summer of my life hah so i hope this one will only be good! one thing i miss very very dearly is blasting sad music through the speakers and staring at the ceiling for an entire day, wishing away to another world or living in the past for a while since i usually live in the future... always hurrying away to the next thing that needs to be done. this probably sounds deep but i want to get to know myself, right now i just feel like this vessel of other peoples opinions, things i need to know because of school and feelings that arent even mine, i dont feel like i belong to myself?? im simply what other people want me to be. so im excited to get to know myself, be alone and just think. enjoy my surroundings and what kind of person i want to become. 

i dont think its difficult to tell that im depressed HASHSHA IM SORRY ive just quit my meds and currently dont see that much of a purpose to life YEAH BUT NO WORRIES!!! maybe im just being too deep I SWEAR I CAN ALWAYS MAKE HAPPY SITUATIONS SAD ITS A SKILL I HAVE

also thank you for asking how i am!! makes me smile every time~!

[staringblanklyataplant]

start

it has been a long time since i last journalled, mainly because life hasn’t been the most interesting ever since i graduated from eighteen years of formal education straight into the most mundane job in the world. also whenever i journal online i get this feeling of anxiety because it feels like i have an obligation to reflect myself as a happy go lucky person with the most positive attitude and mindset. today (and through a certain amount of anonymity) i will finally get down to jotting my emotions down again, before it gets the better of me.

i remember clearly how whenever there were those choose-one-word-to-describe-yourself questions i would always pick “positive” or “happy-go-lucky”, but those days are long gone. i think things started going downhill the day i realised that i was going to do accountancy in uni - and move on to an accountancy related career thereafter. eighteen years of young me anticipating what the future potentially had to offer was honestly a flop, sort of like a misleading movie trailer with the fanciest buildup. everything i said or did in my whole lifetime led up to the disappointing moment when i chose to enroll in accountancy at nus. school was a chore - getting into a straight As course without straight As meant that i was automatically in the bottom quartile of the cohort, let alone it being a course that i despised. there was so much stigma against accountancy that media portrayed, how it is the most boring job in the world but it pays well (which i now learnt that the latter is completely bullshit). when i was younger i didn’t know what i wanted to do when i grew up, but i definitely knew that i did not want to be an office worker with a 9 to 5 job. i mean at least i got half of it right - it is most definitely NOT a 9 to 5 job. 

i remember the first half of uni being my most depressing days, even though i often portrayed myself as a motivated and positive minded individual in school and in hall. my junior college friends were ganging up against me, i wasn’t enjoying what i was learning and in turn, this led to getting poor results in school. i recall one particular night, probably during the peak of my depressed state (that oxymoron) i broke down so hard in front of my mom. i was talking to my parents about how i was forced to do accountancy by them, mainly my father. being the stubborn self-righteous asian dad he was (and still is), he said, no full-on scolded me with something along the lines of “hey, we gave you the choices, you were the one who applied for them in the end, don’t go blaming on us when things don’t go your way”. what i wanted to do was something in the field of design or life sciences, which might or might not be in Singapore’s big three unis. design? oh the job market is saturated. life sciences? oh you’ll be stuck with research (which now that i think about it isn’t half bad at all, well, if you compare it to accountancy). things that i wanted to do slowly got struck off the list. what was i left with? dentistry, pharmacy, architecture - all of which are straight As courses and the closest things there were to arts or life sciences. and then we have accountancy and business - literally the only courses left after striking out sciences, (and the two that i actually strongly chose not to do)  computing and engineering. i KNOW if i did end up applying for courses that my dad struck out, i would have to face years and years of “why didn’t you do what i told you to” or “you will regret this, i told you so”. i was a naive kid, one that did not dare to stand up to her parents or even have her own opinions at home because any opinion that did not match my father’s would just lead to scolding and a bitter look of disdain from my mother. but what good does being an abiding child bring when all i did was cry myself to sleep almost every night knowing that the remaining of my youth has been ruined by the very people whom i thought only wanted the best for me?

being around motivated people has made me reflect upon myself and realise how little i have achieved in my life. while i have to give myself credit for pushing through 4 years of doing a bachelors in something that wasnt my first, second, third but fourth choice, i should probably stop giving the excuse of being forced to do something i didnt want to as a reason not to excel in a field. everyone started off the same. we are of the same age now yet look how different we are. definitely the environment people grow up in plays a part in defining their character. but what i do is i take the environment to blame. but blaming literally does not do anything. still leaves me as a person who has much i want to achieve yet not taking steps to achieve them. i am constantly in search of a catalyst, but the catalyst is myself after all. i have been pushing back everything and i am already 24. thinking back (as i always do), i think about how i should have done this and should have done that. and think of all the regrets i have for not starting on something while i was younger. but who says i am not still young? being around motivated people really makes me want to be as motivated as them. what do they have that i do not have? literally nothing. there are people out there who start off worse than me but are doing so much better now. i have said it many times but maybe this time i mean it for once - it is time for a change in attitude. sure i am not enjoying what i am doing now. but who says i cant excel in it? otherwise, who says i cant make a switch? i am always so worried of stability that i end up being so stable. what do i get in the end of it all? retirement? will i be happy then, knowing of all the other things i could have done in my lifetime but didnt? like how i look back now and think of all i could have done while i was still in school and had no responsibilities? what i have now is time and health. 

[thattaekwondoblog]

My Martial Arts Story (TKD)

2020.04.26

today i miss my dojang extra... i woke up from a dream where i was supposed to spar but didnt have my dobok?? and one of my instructors handed me a.. dobok skirt?? and i was like? and he was like yeah u right this isnt gonna work sdbsmdfjsdd i dont really ever have tkd dreams (i think bc i usually am always doing tkd) but since i stopped for a bit the dreams are coming out. it made me miss sparring so much :( so below i wanted to talk about my tkd story in more detail. Enjoy!

i've actually always been a martial arts nerd, but moved around/focused on studying too much to commit to one until recently. I was talking to my mom the other day and neither of us can really remember what got me into it. I just remember wanting to be able to defend myself and be/feel strong from a very young age, and i knew martial arts was a way to do that. As a girl I also received a lot of messages that my gender was ‘weak’ and needed ‘protection’, which i really didnt like (it made me hate being a girl for some time). This is why i wanted to try martial arts. I discovered taekwondo when I was around 10 years old at a small dojang in my hometown. I loved the school & the master, who I remember always had a bamboo stick he would play around with when the kids started being rowdy (he never hit anyone, it was just his way to say ‘dont fck with me’ haha). but had to stop going after yellow belt because i was the oldest out of all the kids and i tried to go to adult classes for a while but i remember not liking it because it was ‘too slow’ for me and my mom couldnt drive me to late night classes. I was swimming a lot at the time too (fun fact i almost competed in synchronized swimming as a kid but had to stop due to illness (am totally fine now and it wasnt bad dont worry)). 

I didn’t do any martial arts in middle school, and only had brief encounters when i started high school. I dabbled in kick boxing (which i still love) through an intense week long training while i was on holiday with family, and then did a bit of karate, for which sadly i had not such a great experience with the instructor which made me distance myself from the sport. The instructor brought up a heavy personal life event during class and i broke down (what did she expect i was like 15 and that event was really hard). When my mom picked me up, she shook her head to her and said ‘girls...’ in a very demeaning way, as if me crying because she re-awoke trauma was a result of ‘feminine weakness.’ i have not forgiven that person for that comment yet. she shouldn’t be a teacher if she treats students like that in my opinion. High school was very competitive and intense so i focused on studying and didnt really do sports then.

In college I really want to do more martial arts, but the lack of proper clubs or instructors made it difficult. I then went to study abroad in seoul and thought to myself if i dont try tkd again in the literal birthplace of the sport what am i doing with my life. i had good experiences with classes at uni; the two masters i had had very different personalities (one was very outspoken and funny while the other.. you could FEEL the power of tkd when he touched your arm slightly to place it correctly sdhfskdj he was very nice though). I had to stop because i was focusing on my academic projects though. 

i then graduated and moved to the city, where finally there were plenty of martial arts opportunities! the first thing i did after moving to the city, even before moving into my apartment, was to visit my current dojang. i audited a class and in my head was like ’oh my god i MUST join them right now give me a dobok let’s GO’. I signed up for classes that day. The dojang master (my dad. my father, the love of my life (in the most platonic way)) was a seoulite (we bonded over that) and realized I hadn’t started my job yet so he gave me a discount, which i felt incredibly surprised by and grateful for. I started lessons the next day. at my dojang beginners usually get 3 private classes at the beginning to get the basics down before joining the group. after my first, the instructor said that i was probably ready to go with the group if i felt comfortable doing so bc i already had basics. i went every day until i moved into my apartment, when i had a mental and physical breakdown and got really sick for a week (like.. i dont remember feeling this weak and sick my entire life). 

But thankfully i got better and pushed myself to go to dojang again. and it was hard. it was the summer and i hadnt used my body really in years, if ever at that level of practice. three times a week as Difficult for me, physically. i remember being frustrated that my ego wasnt satisfied haha (i thought i remembered a lot more than i did). but i loved the instructors a ton and practice was a great safe space/stress relief for the other sht that was going on my my life. I do remember that i was ready to graduate from white belt and start feeling better about my moves by the end of that summer (i was pretty frustrated that i couldnt do higher level moves, though mostly at myself). 

i finally got yellow stripe and tkd things went uphill from then. i got to know ppl at my dojang better, started to go to practice more progressively. I got my yellow belt and decided then that i wanted tkd to always be in my life as much as possible. I started going to practice every day or almost every day. my tkd friendships were developing, there were small disagreements too but overall i fell more and more in love with my instructors, the dojang master (again, my dad) and the sport. we laughed so much, sweat so much, lived well.

after green stripe, my self consciousness during practice spiked a bit more than usual. this is probs bc my life outside of tkd was stressful and i was looking at my friend fellow tkd members who were higher level more. i wasnt jealous of them, far from it, i just felt small compared to what they were able to achieve and felt bad that the instructor had to stop to explain the technique to me Again. in case it wasn’t clear, i am no prodigy; i learn slowly and with long consistent practice. the two disagreements i had with my closest member friends (two separate very different reasons; we kept things civil on both sides but having to deal with that was a new experience for me so i wasnt great at it haha) didnt help my anxiety shut up during practice. i still kept at it. in january my school has an attendance challenge where you win prizes if you go every day or more than 20 days out of the month. I almost made it, but got really physically tired & kinda sick 3 days before then end of jan and had to miss one session. i was also mentally drained by life stuff so i decided to prioritize grad school applications and did less tkd in february. but that experience of going every damn day was so fun; i realized I needed to do this so much more. if there was a tkd seminar where they send you off somewhere to to tkd for like 3 months i would be down. that is when i realized my love for the sport, and the significant changes in my body that had been occurring over the past months really revealed themselves. i hear you thinking there’s no way i could fall more in love with my instructors but guess what... spending every day with them really made the love Explode dudes. In jan and fed i also really started loving sparring, even though im not great at it. 

and then... march came. i got lucky to have been able to celebrate my birthday a few days before they decided to close my state down. at first i was still able to go to my dojang with smaller classes and different format of classes that respected health guidelines, but eventually everything was moved online. during that week of limited classes, i got to hang out with friend members and instructors for what would be, unbeknownst to me, one of the last times. one night after (6 feet no contact) starring, me, 2 friend members who also went very frequently and an instructor had a beer on the mats just talking and chilling. we said that we would do it again the week after. and then the state decided to shut down small businesses. i was helping the dojang transfer their classes to an online format with another student for a week (we two were the members with the highest attendance in the recent times), but then the instructors decided they should not let students come in anymore. 

i was angry, i was sad, i was devastated. it was the sound solution to take and all these closings are essential and needed for public health safety, but emotionally i was not ready to let go of the dojang. i was angry at the circumstances for taking away the one thing that i truly loved and kept me going all those months of less than ideal job situation and lost of existential questions. the dojang had been my challenge, my rock, my family. i was especially angry because i had to mourn the loss of it a lot earlier than i wanted; i was already supposed to leave in june of this year. the closer june came the more teary eyed i got when i thought of leaving the dojang, but after the news i had to stop going now... i broke down. i cried so hard and loudly, alone in my room. i realize now it was the first time in my life that i cried because of love. pure, unaltered love. i thought to myself ‘how lucky is it that i felt this amount of love for something and some people’. ive moved a lot in my life but rarely felt sad when leaving a place; i often had made my goodbyes and knew it was just time to go. there were few or no things keeping me back, or i knew i would find those things somewhere else. it was also the first time i had let myself fall in love with something and people only for me. i love studying and learning for example, but when i started doing it it was mostly to make my mom and family happy, not for me. i didn’t feel like i had had a passion that i completely gave in into, a truly ‘me’ thing no one asked me or expected me to do but i just did not to have a better resume or be perceived better by society. until tkd.

now, i am still following online classes but mostly have my own training routine because it’s still hard to deal with the emotional stuff; i dont really do to live classes cause it hurts. it probably sounds strange but ive already done the emotional work of distancing myself to make the leaving less difficult. i also didnt really like the the idea of practicing in my room in front of the camera. seeing the other students on zoom would also make me feel v sad. im slowly getting out of that state of mind though and might start taking online classes again in a bit when i can’t do my regular training routine. im not sure when things will go back to normal but before i leave i will definitely send them gifts and goodbye messages, probably by mail. but yeah as of now i mostly follow my dojang’s videos, do my practice routine, and scroll through tkd tricking videos on instagram to keep motivated.

it’s kind of a sad note to end on but my tkd story does not end here. wherever im headed next I will find another dojang where i will continue to practice. i can only hope it is half as good as the family i found here. and of course now I have this blog! and will continue nerding out about kicking endlessly hahaha.

thanks for reading if you made it this far! you can ask me questions if you’d like! also tell me your tkd story!! its so cool to hear how life lead people to kicking.

[darktyrannomon]

im kinda really upset cause i think i’ve found the perfect cat companion (he’s 2-3 years old, off black with a white fleck on his chest, and his name is STORM) from the rescue centre but my mum doesnt want another cat in the house

we’ve had cats p much before i was born and tho my mum loves them she’s really allergic and since milly died a few years back she’s really noticed the difference in NOT having them and is really averse to getting another cat

which i get

but im kinda salty cause my brother and sister just DROPPED pets on my parents without saying anything (my brother, a kitten, my sister, a rabbit..... and she put her girl rabbit in with one of the boys we were looking after and we got many baby bunnies) and when i brought this up my parents said ‘you dropped a horse on us!’

no

no i did not

i had a conversation about getting a horse, and whether i could afford it and what would happen and how to look after it and how it’d help me get out of the house when i cycled through depression because i’d have a RESPONSIBILITY to that animal and that animal would rely on me. she also DOES NOT LIVE IN THE HOUSE

yes, i’ve had to ask for help a few times in the past two years when either i’ve not been getting enough hours, or recently when i had to quit work because of my mental health but that was not SPRUNG on you. luna was not SPRUNG on anyone she was TWO THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED POUNDS STERLING just to BUY let alone buy FOR and KEEP. that’s NOT A FUCKING DECISION i SPRUNG on

every little thing i pay out for her is calculated and necessitated and literally on the whole yard i think i must own the least amount of pure stuff bought for my pony

her saddle was £80 bought off a friend, her bridle £30. i scrimped and saved and only got what she Needed and because she is a good horse she needs very little. i pay £100 a year in vets bills for her jabs and teeth, £45 every 8 weeks for her farrier, £150 a month for her livery, £25 insurance a month, £15 in feed every maybe 2-3 months and she barely has any new stuff unless im in dire need of it. half her rugs are cheap bootsale/bought off friends/freebies from friends and i’ve had the same tools for 6 years, and they’ll keep on longer. my brushes are for when i was loaning ponies at 9 years old at my riding school so they’re at least 15 years old. my section of the tack room is a shelving unit with her brushing box, treat tub, and wash stuff on it, a trunk with her lunging equipment, medical stuff, and feed in, a feed bin, and her saddle rack. she has two stable rugs, a fleece, a lightweight and medium weight turnout, and a fly rug. that’s it.

i bought her whilst i was in a place to pay for her fully, by myself, without aide. i bought everything to do with her myself. my dad treated me to a shavings future fork because my cheap one broke within 2 weeks of using it and this thing hasn’t failed me since. my wheelbarrow has broken and my dad has fixed it twice. i use a tyre on it that doesnt deflate. its only since i’ve been working at build a bear, where my shift hours were so irregular and stupid, that i’ve needed help. there was a gap between my job at game and at the range that i needed help. i’ve needed help since february because i am out of work and medically signed off of work. i am grateful for their help

but i did not spring luna on people

i thoroughly calculated everything, i still do. i never bought new riding boots even tho mine sundered 5 years ago whilst i was still at uni. i’ve just been bought a new really cheap pair as part of my birthday present.

i dont keep my horse stuff all over the house. i keep it in a small corner of the alcove under the stairs. everything else i keep in my car.

i didn’t spring her

i had a conversation with several family members, and NONE OF THEM said no

they said ‘if you think you can afford it? its a big commitment!’ so i calculated and said fuck it. i spent the summer at my job looking after luna, as she was one of the stud horses where i worked, and in the middle of it i went yeah. this horse is gorgeous. her personality is amazing. and my best friend had been in the breeding course at uni the year before when they were learning to back horses and she said luna was wonderful. i had certified knowledge of how this horse was, and one of my lecturers was the yard vet. i wasnt blindly scooping up an animal and springing it

the dog was sprung on my dad - but that was mostly my mum’s fault. i did the whole 11 year old ‘HE’S SO CUTE CAN WE KEEP HIM’ and i’d been asking for a dog for years but they always said no, so i wasnt really expecting anything, and then my mother told me that she had asked my dad and he said it was okay so one evening we went to pick him up. apparently my dad didn’t know anything i find out 10 years later and it was my mother who sprung it on HIM and my dad really doesn’t like dogs (but he loves harvey cause harvey is so good tbh). harvey’s technically still on his ‘two week trial’ lmfao but he’s obvs never going back

and like am i the only person in this family with a conscience and like, anxiety over what people will do/say if i just brought a fucking cat home because THEY HAVE ALL DONE IT WHAT THE FUCK

[foreignobjecticus]

A rant under the cut because I am just so frustrated with my boss and things in general and writing it out helps even if no one reads it.

I'm so frustrated with my boss. We found out on 7th Feb that we have until 5th March to leave our apartment (3 Saturdays in between those) and she couldn't possibly give me Saturday the 9th off. I managed to get out and see two houses anyway, both rejected, then got out this 16th and applied for 8 places but no replies. I had this Thursday/Friday off and instead of accepting my request for time off, she's gone and switched my Friday (I have personal appointments that I can't move) to give me the Saturday off and is just making it really hard to accommodate me when we have more than enough staff. It feels like she's trying all these loopholes to refuse us using sick leave and away leave (it counts against the store's profit) so I feel like I'm bashing my head against a brick wall. Yay I have Saturday off, but now I don't have Friday and that's not what I asked for... UGH

She's just had major stomach surgery less than a month ago and is back at work - can't even finish a whole drink let alone consume solid foods - and she's taken up a new experimental position at work. The role basically means she's only receiving base wage (oh boo fucking hoo welcome to our world) but she's sacrificed her commission so she can be like an in-store mentor to boost everyone else's sales. She's on everyone's arses now because she's personally and professionally stressed to fuckity, and she's losing FOUR (33%) of her staff THIS WEEK ALONE - at least one wanted to stick out a month to finish off but she'd rather chop them off like a gangrenous limb than keep them because she's so worried about making profit with this experimental new job role. I (and several others) were sick for 1 week+ over the Travel Expo weekend (that first Saturday I KIND OF got off) so I'm on low numbers because I lost all my customers and was still coughing really bad from the flu up until a few days ago recovering. Because of the move, my low numbers, my illness, bf going back to uni, ALL the stress compounding, I've been late twice: one Tuesday I forgot bf worked and had to run him in, then this past Tuesday. Both happened while she wasn't there so she got suspicious.

This past Tuesday, I was the only senior consultant in Monday and got no sales done because I was in charge of 5 novices (a supervisor's job but she refuses to hire any new supervisors until she finds the perfect one) so I was basically run ragged all day. I went to bed at 8pm that night and was so physically and mentally tired that I actually, for the first time in my adult life, ACTUALLY slept through my alarms and woke up at 7:40am which would have been fine if it hadn't meant bf was 2hours late for work. She wasn't in so I message the most senior consultant in store to say I'd be late but my boss happened to call the store and ask for me only to find I wasn't there. Because of that, she thought I was hiding the fact from her when in fact I hadn't told her because - hey - she wasn't in and I was only going to spare 1 second in the middle of the morning school rush to text the person who actually would need to know. And in what has NEVER EVER been an issue before, she docked me that hour's pay (can you FICKINg BElIVeV it when I NEVER take a full break and have stayed late so many times I could be paid for half a year's worth of work istg!). I stayed an hour late with clients by happenstance the next day to make it up so fuck her, but I mean, what the fuck is going on?

This girl was always a hard, sales-driven woman, but now she's gone and put herself in a STUPID position the store WASNT prepared for without any supervisors, and she's done it right when she's had major surgery. She's not scheduled to be able to eat anything thicker than plain milk for another TWO months, and she's put all this unnecessary pressure on herself at á time when so many others in store are also having personal issues and stressed out. What a storm of nonsense, you know?

The area leader is coming in to store on Tuesday and often has a chat with us in store. I find her more more approachable than my current boss sometimes (definitely now she’s suddenly become incredibly unreasonable - for other simpler reasons that aren’t really things to bitch about, but you know the vibe you get when you work with someone who suddenly changes their tune completely). I’m going to have a frank talk with the big boss, as I often do, and let her know what I really think of my boss’s current attitude because if we don’t nip this in the bud NOW, the rest of the financial year (the period which she’s been given to make her crazy experimental role work) will be hellish, even for me as someone who she openly sees as invaluable, but I’ve always got low numbers so I’m a bit of a target.

I’m aiming to move into a head office job ASAP. I don’t care what it is but my 2 years as a consultant have been enough, I think, and sales is such a brutally stressful job, I don’t wan’t to stick it out. I love the whole aspect of booking and organising holidays but I can’t STAND the vicious sales approach and the sense of ever-looming failure for not having converted and made money on the people I’ve talked to for hours. I’m just not good at sales because I’m NOT pushy. Simple as that.

This month has been the most stressful of my life so far, and I’ve got more stresses going than just what I’ve written above, but I’m still coping and that’s what matters. It’s a shame that I can’t take time off to relax because these situations and the job I’m in are the kind of things that get worse if you take time away; you lose sales, you miss inspections. Things will get better and I don’t doubt that all the frustration and stress I’m feeling right now will be gone soon, maybe two weeks, but it’s hard not to worry. Writing this all really helped.

On the positive side of things, bf looks like he’s really been enjoying model painting since we started in December. It’s a hobby that, while expensive, has engaged him unlike anything I’ve seen before and it’s so beautiful to see him smiling and happy at least when he paints.

I’ve also been happy with my editing work. I just counted up all the editing I’ve done since the start of the financial year and I’ve made $950 from editing which is absolutely fantastic for work that I enjoy. I won’t pay the bills and it ebbs and flows with university submission dates, but it really boosts the kitty.

After that busy Monday that was so bad it made me sleep 12 hours and be late to work, my two favourite colleagues and I went upstairs for happy hour at the Mexican restaurant and got a $6 margarita and chilli fries and honestly it was so nice. I think I haven’t had a casual social interaction with people I like in so long that I was really craving it. I wish they weren’t both leaving soon.

I’ve been enjoying playing Fantasy Age/one-shot HP RPG with my regular group and I’ve gotten into a proper DnD group which has been so much fun. I want to join more groups but I know it’ll stretch myself too thin. I still can’t join any regular social groups like musicals (which I desperately miss but can’t get Sundays off for), but there are some casual games groups I’m looking at locally now.

When we’ve settled in the new house, we’re going to start a proper Wasteland Warfare campaign, and I’ve got a few projects I want to get a start on:

- I’ve been learning a little song from the SPG personalised OCT songs that I requested - it’s really simple to play and now I’ve got an electric and acoustic guitar from my friend (now ex-colleague thanks to my boss), I can record the rhythm and lead guitar and probably record the vocals separately. I can’t see what Michael is playing in the video though so I’ll have to sit down and pick it out by ear.

- I’ve been writing here and there but I’ve finally had a resurgence of inspiration for one of my longest fics so I want to get back to posting that on AO3. Goal is to have that coherent enough to be put up even as chapters with biggish time gaps between each. I am that bastard who posts 5 times and then goes silent. Sorry world.

- I have some more Wasteland Warfare Minutemen to paint, and I’m thinking about getting Necrons or Blackstone Fortress but that’s a way off because I have too many games as it is that I haven’t played until I’m bored of them. Would love to join the local games shop when we move and finally make some friends in this hideous city after two years. All the people at work who are JUST on the edge of tipping over into outside-work friends are leaving. :/

- I’d like to take a 2 day driving trip down the Great Ocean Road when I get the time and it coincides with bf’s time off. Preferably in March but not likely to happen. Want to avoid the schoolkids.

- I’d like to go back and visit family in NZ and QLD. I’d need time off for this though. I’ve found out that I can book myself a set of flights that go MEL - AKL - BNE - GLT - MEL for not much more than JUST doing AKL return OR GLT return, so why the FUCK wouldn’t I do both? :D Still $700 all up but better than $600 for just one destination. Miss my family a lot and it’s already been 8 months since GLT and 14 months since AKL! Time flies when you’re in an existential daze.

I think that’s probably it for now. If you’re one of my 11 followers including cheesebot and you actually read all this, thanks for stopping by! There’s a ludicrously in-depth snapshot into my life and a bit of juicy, uninvolved gossip for you. It’s past midnight now so I’m off for a shower and bed. Have a lovely day & feel free to drop by my ask box/messaging any time because I’m always up to chat or listen to a vent if you need it, and I do really mean it. : )

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 70

Seventy.

Life is going on. With ups and downs. Good days and bad days. Well life is mostly grey for me. 

As every day passes, i just realize more and more how much i love him. I really dont want to bluff about it but I just couldnt stop from typing it out because the realization blows my mind away. And one big reason is because I would never do what i did, or can do for him, and no one will ever mean anything even remotely close to how much he meant to me and will always mean to me. 

This might all just sound like a cheesy note any person in love would say but Oh God! trust me, this is what comes to my head after quite a good number of not-so-nice crap i have in my big fat head. So yeah! thats how i just know. This is not ever going away. And if I ever got a chance to re-live, i wouldn’t have wanted to fall in love with anyone else, orrrrrrrrrrr id just wish I was alone. That’s pretty cool tooo!! lol 

Speaking of which. Yeah. I pretty much do enjoy my own company. I just dont like communicating much with people. for a lot of reasons actually. Well, to begin with. I believe im a really complicated person. LIke, everyone has their own story and theres something twisty about everyone and bla bla but then I really do thing Im just not that easy to understand, and to top all that, I dont even like opening up to people so thats more of a reason to not get me. I am kind of aware of the fact that i seem to have a lot of ego and seem to be filled with pride and arrogance. But thats not true, thats just how some people see me, and i cant blame them because i think that is something i mask myself with. However, many people do find me really sweet and all but whatever side anyone sees, its always clear, im not really interested in getting too close with anyone and that i appreciate my own space. Sometimes, i do wonder if i really do enjoy being on my own or i actually want some good friends. But then the thing is, i have really really good friends back from high school. the only thing is, theyre not in the same country, theyre far away. but then again, even when we were all on ksa, we still mostly communicated on social media and stuff so it shouldnt matter much i guess. what im trying to say is. despite all the misunderstanding people might have with me, or people actually finding me sweet or whatever. or me not liking them much or wanting them to be my friends or whatever. the thing is, its not that i dont have anyone at all. because i do have people who know me. they dont know every little detail about me though, and thats because i dont talk much to them either. but they know me as a person. like i dont need to kiss their ass to get their attention, i can be myself with them.. i can be mean, and rude, or not keep in touch or act like im full of ego, like im so full of my shit and theyd still accept me. because they know that thats just how i am. im not sugarcoated. 

But.. it still doesnt matter

What im saying is. I prefer sitting alone on my own. doing literally nothing. no phone. no laptop. no means of communication with the outside world OVER actually chatting with anyone. or even someone who knows me so well and is close to me. 

Ok man, i talk a lot! So yeah that’s the thing! but when we were together, i wouldve done anything to not miss a chance to talk to him lol - thats just an easy way to put it out there, that he was different. 

And also putting it out there how my life is right now. I prefer my own company. I dooooo badly wish i had a ‘partner’ though - an ‘eating partner’!!!!!! haha! I really wish i could go to restaurants with someone to try food randomly. But then. idk. i mean its not that easy to find someone who has the same love for food and aso someone whos willing to spend money to try food or someone whod be able to hang out with me. especially i dont even have any good friends in ksa right now Ugh

Another really important reason i dont like talking to people much is the commitment. I hate commitment!!!!!!! And when i say commitment i dont even mean something serious like being in some relationship. i mean.. even the smallest commitment. like when you even knock someone and the person expects you to reply fast. Like okay give me a break! We dint exchange vows or something, yth do i need to reply fast. or whyd you even expect me to reply fast like idk. do people just pause their lives and just talk to other people? bleh Im not even ready for that so yeah! 

buttttttttt then again - with him. it was SO different. but like i said. it was only him!!!!

Something cool was the fact that i had a dream of him the other day. we never met each other f2f after our last conversation, so him in my dream was the first time we met f2f which wasnt actual anyways!!! But!!! I was so full of attitude. Like I could totally see my facial expressions and go like. “Oh God Youuu” to myself! Im usually full of attitude in front of other guys, if i ever am, which is kinda rare. just saying! 

So i read his post about him going to bd and stuff, and i wont even lie about how i totally never like that. but then this time its different obviously. In many ways though. One way to look at it is how i just remembered about the time when he was in bd last year! ~~~ And the award for the roughest of all times goes to!!!! 

Now comes the part were I actually give the reason why I dont blog much! Well tbh i want to blog all the time. But then!!!! Who am i kidding???? Its obviously cause I want him to read my post and blabla so yeah I dont! I mean. I really want to, but i dont. The same way. Forget blogging man. I mean. In this generation, with all these advancements and i say, no barrier at all. If we could decide like two mature adults to stop talking for nothing but good intentions then i sure as hell can keep myself from blogging about every little thing, and keep my shit together, and only blog when my mind and my heart says that i got it in my hands and im not going to screw up! 

and so that would mean that anything i post about, is just a very little, incomplete detail of the entire story and i almost always will sugarcoat it a million times and put it up here! 

but like i said - every thing just ends with me realizing how in love i am with him and as long as that is how it ends, i like it. 

So “losing weight” is like the --aim of my life-- right now. Just that its so boring oh maa gawd - and so i end up watching suits. which is soooooo niiiceeeeee omgg. And i actually love the couple there. Mike & Rachel! - oh and also its kinda funny to me idk why but whenever i see any couple onscreen that i like, my inner me kinda teases me going like “sarah, you loser!!!!!” and then i look down from the screen for a second or two like an actual loser would doo and then yeah i just “laugh it away” - like silently! ~ No hard feelings!

umm.so yeah i was saying. The main thing is losing weight and i want to lose one kg a week WHICH I AM NOT BY THE WAY. so i kind of get sad from time to time and all, and then idk get ok with it, and then sad again and alll that. and then battling myself against food is there. Today though i kind of figured out that if i watch suits while on the treadmill ill kinda stay distracted, and it wont be boring anymore and ill be able to go somewhere i guess. 

so theres around 9 weeks left for uni to open and i wish vacation never ended but yeah lets just face reality. And about my brother, 6 weeks left.   So that means I wna lose around 9 kgs before uni reopens but its smart to kind of plan a bit more than you actually want so that if you dont totally achieve your goal youll still land somewhere good. if you know what i mean. 

Now there is a lot i want to say. SO muchh. But I cant be fooling myself. It would obviously be for him only. So Ill just hold everything back in!!!!!! 

But one thing I want the world to know

Everyone has their own problems and their own imperfection and perfections and whatever. But ever since I had my eyes on him, i knew he was different. infact that is exactly why i liked him in the first place. I dont wna go in depth with this but ill just say it in the simplest way I can. 

When I was with him, yes, I did pray for a fairytale story. But not an actual one. because those dont exist. I had my own modified version of a fairytale ending. And in their, everything was not perfect. Everyone was not perfect. there was pain, there were people who didnt know what they were worth. All I ever wanted is to be the person to be ale to mend hearts, to help someone find their way out from the sufferings, to be a part of someone happiness. And even though we are not together right now. I wish the same. I just wanted it to be through me before. Now it doesnt necessarily need to be, cause it definitely will be coming from Allah both ways inshaAllah. 

I pray he gets to see what I see in him. And what people see in him. And most importantly, what he sees in himself but fails to value at times. 

P.S. My family is excluded from consideration in this post. when i talk about people, i mean everyone else except my family.  --ALSOOOOO-- I just randomly sat down at 5am and decided to blog today and so i sat with my laptops and this is all what flowed outta me! 

A totally random post! 

BUT i do wna mention how the tumblr app on my phone s.u.c.k.s. Cant give notifications properly *&^&%&^$%&%*^(0

Bye c: 

[peachescrossing-nya]

Im sorry about how long this post is but idk I’ve posted before about how I’m feeling and stuff and I guess I keep doing it just because I love you guys so much. So here we go.

Lately, I’ve just been feeling so so very lonely and left out and idk. It started when one of my closest friends wasnt allowed to attend the same university as me bc her parents were in control of the money and where she was going, despite her wanting to go to the same school as me when it came to audition time. I was really stressed and I was acting up again in the depression department at that time just bc I don’t feel like I deserved to be accepted bc I thought I sucked, in addition to thinking I would never get in. So those residual feelings plus the news about her leaving to go to a university 2 hours away from where I’ll be was starting to get to me. I was dealing with drama from the toxic “friend” I’ve posted about before and people were starting to decide on prom tables. Usually no one wants to be with me and Ive known that for years because that shit has been happening for years. Being left out of things by people who claim to be my friends and stuff, etc. I was just feeling left out bc my close friend was asked to sit at a table with a bunch of other people from music who I’m also friends with and I wasn’t even considered by the person inviting them. Now this girl is really nice but we aren’t exactly close so it wasn’t really that big of a deal, but when a close friend of yours gets invited to sit at a prom table and they tell you that all they could think about was where you would be sitting, however, they weren’t sure if they could invite anyone to the table they were invited to (it sounds complicated so I’m sorry but I’m not good at explaining this shit) it feels kinda shitty I guess. It just kind of continued (and got worse) when a friend who was supposed to sit at that table wanted to give up her seat to me bc she knows I’m friends with them and wasn’t actually going to be sitting there and then the girl who invited everyone knew bc I asked politely if she had talked to my friend about her giving her seat up to me and then I guess forgot or something? And gave that seat to someone else. Also, another friend of mine invited someone to the table but my close friend didn’t invite me and idk that whole situation was just messed tf up and really made feel like shit.

I guess it might have started there bc I wasn’t feeling shitty or left out as much as during that time. I’ve sorted out my table situation and I’m actually sitting with my friend who was going to give her seat to me. (When I told her that they filled my spot I felt so bad bc she looked a bit sad idk). After this was when the drama started to really pick up with the toxic “friend” and I guess if you want to know how I’m dealing with that you can message me (I’m not dealing with it as well as I should & stuff idk but it was pretty serious and she threatened a few of us and yeah but if you’re curious I’m willing to talk about it. If you don’t want to thats fine!) But anyways that stuff with her started to escalate and it turned into this whole thing and it just brought so much more stress into our lives since it got especially bad right before our last concert/big performance at our school and we were all already stressed about that (we didn’t think we would do well bc we sucked at our last rehearsal ngl). The stress from hearing back from universities and everything was adding to everything but to cut it short most of the people in my friend group (like 92%) are going away for uni and my toxic “friend” is going to the same university as me for the same program. That sucks. I know. There have just been little things in between that have just been making me feel really shitty for the last few months.

I talked to my close friend about some stuff and I told her I would be fine but that was like 2/3 months ago and look at me now. I’m very much not ok. I went for so long without crying about this and feeling this lonely, alone, sad, idk (we’ll say 4 years. It’s been 4 fucking years and I thought I was getting better but I guess not). I started to feel left out and i started to notice how my friends don’t always include in me in conversations or interactions and I end up silent and alone despite sitting with them or being in the same room. I guess that shit just really fucked me up. Also I felt so bad today and idk…

We had an award ceremony for music and most of friends are in music so everyone was there. I got a bronze pin and a certificate so not that special but I felt like nobody really clapped or cared when they called me up. Idk if it’s just bc when I’m really nervous or overwhelmed my ears make sounds more muddled (I don’t know how to describe it but it’s like my hearing gets muffled when I’m feeling really nervous) and I just wanted to break down right there. I was happy for my friends and I clapped for them but it just seemed so much louder when everyone else went up for their awards. I looked at a few of my friends and saw that they were clapping but it didn’t feel like anyone was. I got a few high-fives from people I wouldn’t normally expect to give a high-five to me but I didn’t really feel like people clapped. Maybe its because everyone likes all the other kids more or people just don’t like me or they don’t know who tf I am but I felt like shit that entire time. (The only good side was seeing my crush there for like 2 minutes before he left but that doesn’t overshadow anything). Idk that’s just really making me feel shitty and I guess idk why I should be feeling this way bc it sounds so stupid and shit.

It didn’t help that the toxic “friend” went up to get her award and all the people who actually hate her and have shown so much disdain for her in the past were clapping loudly and I didn’t feel like anybody did that for me.

Sorry for all this but I couldn’t help it… 😢