#even if there WEREN’T things going on idgaf like it’s no big deal. after 15 minutes YOU ask for a server like is that HARD

[ultravioletlesbian]

truly do not understand customers who complain that literally could not be me. and not in a “i don’t want to bother anyone because i don’t want them to be mad at me” way but in a “i don’t want to bother them because i literally don’t give a fuck” way like it literally does not matter to me sorry. if you sit down at a restaurant you’ve never been to and then aren’t served for 15 minutes and you’re like “i’m never eating here again” like you’re an idiot maybe. did you try waving down a server. did you walk to the counter and ask to be served. like. i would not give a fuck if that happened to me like maybe some things are going on you don’t know. could we have a little understanding please? let’s have some understanding please.

[madnadidraw]

Parents/Caregivers Take Note:

It is currently 12:15 AM at the time of me beginning to write this. 

The night before this post, I tried to make a text after 11 PM  (it was at 11:10 PM to be exact) and found that my phone would not send the text. I then received a text from my cellular service provider (CSP) stating that “Your phone has been restricted by the account owner. You cannot send messages until the time of day restriction ends”. The very first thing I did was screenshot it, send it to my mom (because I knew it was her that had done this), and asked if she was serious, and why? She was hoping it would help me go to bed sooner, but added that she had started it as of a week or so ago. I replied that this could only hurt my situation.

Why? Because I stay up until very late, the absolute earliest I go to bed is 2 AM and that is rare. I usually end up falling asleep at 4 AM, or I don’t sleep at all. Why? Because I have chronic nightmares that leave me waking up unable to get out of bed in time for school. Why? Because I have been through traumatic experiences, and every time I dream I relive those experiences. Just mentioning my dreams is breaking me close to a breakdown, but this post is important.

My mom is aware of all of the above information 

Turning off my texting and calling abilities only meant I could not reach out to any type of mental health professionals (specifically the ones I use), usually not something I’d need, but important in a crisis. Here’s where we get to the important bit, crises. Catastrophic breakdowns. Ones that greatly inhibit my ability to do much of anything, or at least specific tasks.

It is currently 12:27 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 12 minutes.

At 11:04pm I open up Snapchat, the app I use to message everybody I am relatively close to, excluding family, to respond to a text from my partner. It does not go through. I try again. Nothing. Again. Nothing. I try all kinds of social media again, and again and again. And Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. No. Thing. At all. I am locked out. Now. Now I’m in crisis. For the past hour and a half I have been riding the waves of “IM HAVING A BREAKDOWN” and “I cannot shut down I have work to do”. I have done nothing but cope for the past hour and a half, yet I am still trying to do work before I fall asleep. I am currently on my desktop, rather than a mobile device in bed, to avoid falling asleep. 

It is currently 12:36 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 21 minutes. 

Why? Because I have a test tomorrow, a test which I have to teach myself content for due to extreme amounts of absences. A test I cannot afford to get any less than an A on, as grades close quite soon for this quarter. A quarter I cannot afford to fail (or receive less than an A on), because then I’ll be stressed for all of next quarter, because this is the only AP level or college level course that I have had an A in this year, all year. An A I promised myself I would get, because last year I constantly rode the line of a high C and a low B. I ended up getting a C first semester, and a B second semester. The C was a result of my traumatic experiences, and I promised I wouldn’t let that affect my math grade ever again, because math has always been one of my strongest classes. One of the strongest reasons I had been admitted to my dream school. Failing this test? Not an option. So, since I got home from school, finished dinner, and grounded and isolated myself (7 PM) I had been working on studying for this test. That’s four straight hours of studying, which is extremely abnormal, as I rarely do any assignments, much less studying. But at 11:04 PM that all stopped. Everything stopped. I shut down. I focused on grounding, coping, and recovering. I had had a terrible day, all day. 

It is currently 12:47 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 32 minutes.

Why? I had gone to bed early. So I had a nightmare. So I was uncomfortable from the start, I was ashamed, paranoid, triggered, scared, and I hated every inch of my body, but I didn’t want to be late again to first period. So I forced myself to make this a good day. It was a Wednesday. We had Friday off (Good Friday). I could get through this day. I didn’t have the ability to attend the partial hospitalization program (PHP) I attend to treat my PTSD today, because of an appointment I had been planning for months (well before I knew I would be in PHP). But I knew I would be there tomorrow, and although I usually leave school at 12:45 PM, my appointment would have me relatively excited, so it felt as though it would balance out. It didn’t.

It is currently 12:55 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 40 minutes.

 Assembly for seniors which pertains to the big class events, mainly Senior Prom. My friends decide to sit directly in front of The Jocks TM, people I just generally don’t get along with, but I followed because I can handle myself. Or I thought so. A group of The Jocks TM decided to boo when our principal came out to speak about senior prom. I needed as much info as possible, because I am bringing my partner to senior prom, and they attend a different school. So I am already anxious and nervous, but they’re making it worse because I can’t listen and get the info I need. And then he mentions the breathalyzers, a mandatory part of just about every prom across my state. And they boo. They’re yelling, so much so that the principal has to pause and wait. This wouldn’t be a big deal, but now I’m worried about senior prom. Now I’m worried they’re going to do their best to get absolutely wasted and I do NOT want to bring my partner into that environment. Not because I’m possessive and want to shelter them, but because prom is an expensive event that I invited them to specifically so that we could enjoy it together, even though it was expensive. I haven’t even made it to my second period yet, and my paranoia is already through the roof.

It is currently 1:04 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 49 minutes.

Second period flows, I speak to some people, I calm down a bit. Then third period hits. Third period is my math class. The teacher would be out, so it was essentially a study hall. I was hoping to use it to catch up/study, but instead I’m discussing the assembly and senior prom with kids I know might have info, some, any, a fucking word idgaf, about what to expect after our principal announced the breathalyzers, I mentioned how I was bringing my partner and they attend a different school, and I didn’t want them to have that as their one and only experience with my school. Nothing. Not an ounce of anything remotely helpful. I’ve already used just about all of this period to discuss senior prom, so I decide to focus on catch up work. Nope. Not happening. Instead a group of kids sitting directly next to me start talking about a trans-girl I know, and they are saying ignorant things. Based on the conversation, I can rationally deduce they weren't being transphobic/homophobic, they just aren’t up to date with the language. But as a now extremely paranoid gay woman, hearing something remotely anti-LGBT put me into an even greater state of paranoia, and fear, because I am openly gay and they are discussing this right next to me. Finally the period ends, and I can relax into one of the two lunch periods I have (because I have a heavily reduced schedule to help cope with stress and trauma, both of which are heavily tied to the school building itself). I get through that, enter my fifth period class, acting, and finally get to my second lunch, sixth period. Sixth period I go to see my guidance counselor to continue discussing what can be done about AP physics, the class I have next period (two on lab days). The class I am currently failing. The main stressor out of all my classes. She says my dream school, the one I will attend in the fall, has not gotten back to her about dropping it/taking it as a pass fail. 

It is currently 1:20 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for over an hour now. I have not left the room, gotten a drink, gotten a snack, or even stood up out of my chair in the since 11:04 PM.

No big deal, I’ll just tell my physics teacher what’s goi- “Nadia the test you were supposed to make up Friday, but haven’t been able to yet? I want you to take it now. I figured you might as well get it out of the way considering you have this period and next to work on it” 

It is currently 1:25 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for 70 minutes.

Oh. Can I check my phone real quick?

Sure.

+4 new emails to your school email!

*Opens*

(From my guidance counselor): Nadia [dream school] just called, please come see me

Hey uhhhh, my guidance counselor wants to see me RIGHT now.

Really? That’s odd. I’ll call her, you get started on the test.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I filled in random answers on the multiple choice, skipped the open ended questions, and made it look like I was working on it until the end of eighth period. I cover up the blank spaces where writing should be with the multiple choice packet, hand it into the teacher of the room I was randomly thrown into, and book it to my counselor’s office to catch her before my appointment.

It is currently 1:29 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but hold back tears, ground myself, and write this post for the past 84 minutes.

They said you can’t drop it if you want to be certain you’ll be there in the fall, they want to see you get a C or above in the.....

That’s it.

That’s the last piece.

I’m broken.

Since 11:04 PM I have done nothing but try to ground myself and cope with the fact that I lost my connection to almost everything. That I will continue to lose this connection every night at 11:00 PM. That I will lose any and all electronic based or assisted coping mechanisms I may have, until after I wake up. It is currently 1:33 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 89 minutes, and I have been trying to cope and ground myself for roughly two and a half hours (149 minutes).

So. Let’s recap

I have had a bad day.

After my appointment I got home and began studying for my test at 7 PM

At 11:04 PM I had a break down, and have been trying to cope and ground myself since. 

I have not finished studying yet, and I intend to stay up, rather than try to sleep earlier, to finish doing so.

The test I was and will be studying for, whether this is true or not, feel as though it will decide where I spend the next year of my life.

Now for the obvious question:

How could this have been avoided?

Am I asking for my mom to not have turned off service for my phone? No. She had already turned off texting, this was the obvious next step.

Now my answer, my main take away for parents and caregivers.

Talk to your kids.

Talk to your kids about punishments you intend to use, whether they’ve done something wrong or not, so that you can be sure it won’t break them.

Talk to your kids. 

Talk to your kids about what you expect from them, ask them to honestly tell you what their limits are, even if they conflict with these expectations.

But most of all.

Talk to your kids.

Talk to your kids when you’re trying to help them, make sure your proposed solution or support does not end up hurting them. If my mom had told me about this, even at 10:59 PM, a minute before it would take place, this break down could have been avoided.

RECOGNIZE THAT YOU DO NOT ALWAYS KNOW BEST

Parents and caregivers; if you expect your kids (or those receiving your care) to trust you? To respect you? To be honest with you? 

TRUST THEM FIRST

If you always assume that you and you alone know what’s best for your kids, that you alone know how to best support them and reprimand them. 

You need to recognize that kids are still people and can speak for themselves.

I am 18 years old, I am not asking you to start talking to your one month old as if they are in high school. I am asking you to give us the respect that you think you deserve. The fact that...

...It is currently 1:46 AM (14 minutes before the earliest time I fall asleep) as I am writing this time-log, I have been trying to cope and ground myself for 162 minutes, and working on this post for 102 minutes...

...should be message enough that assuming you know best, does not work.

[regularbeans]

Best Albums of 2017 (20-11)

If I’m really honest this year could’ve been amazing album-wise since a bunch of huge names I’m moderately interested in released albums this year but instead I was mostly preoccupied with a few bands in 2017 only a few of which actually did things this year. Add that to my ever-increasing depression and you’ve got the usual scramble to find albums to add to this list that happens every goddamn year. But hey, it’s part of the fun ^^

This year has more than a few honourable mentions that I either didn’t have time for or didn’t feel like they were just good enough to be mentioned on the same list but are still a good time. There’s also a ton I never even got around to listening as always so... you’ll probably hear me complain about that this time next year when I catch up with those.

This year’s honourable mentions are:

Manchester Orchestra: A Black Mile to the Surface

Susanne Sundfør: Music For People In Trouble

All Time Low: Last Young Renegade

Daughter: Music From Before the Storm  

20 Dua Lipa: Dua Lipa 

I find Dua Lipa’s voice so captivating, I could listen to it forever, and she’s got this independent and free vibe about her, this confidence that comes across with every line she sings. She’s infuriatingly young and yet her sound is as confident and coherent as that of someone who’s been in the industry for decades.

My favourite songs from the album: IDGAF, Be the One, Garden

19 Hurts: Desire

Hurts sort of went the way I was afraid it would go, similarly to Foster the People. Their first two albums were amazing, it felt like being steamrolled by an unstoppable force, it almost seemed too perfect to be real but then Surrender was sort of a let down. A few years later they’re back with another album that sees a divorce from their signature mopey shoe-gaze-y synth pop and tunes into a more boppy vibe, almost Bruno Mars-ish in places. Realising there can only be one Exile, I accept this new dancey, more upbeat Hurts.

My favourite songs from the album: Hold on to Me, Ready to Go, Wherever You Go

18 Starsailor: All This Life

Ah, the old faves. Starsailor is from back in the days when I first started writing about music. Then promptly after that they went on a hiatus, the dreaded. I remember James Walsh saying he loves Starsailor but he has to put food on the table somehow. It made me quite sad because it meant they weren’t appreciated enough for them to be worth keep doing it. Then he went on to work with other people and make like... movie music? I don’t even know. Then this year they revealed Starsailor would be back with new music and where first I felt sadness I now feel relaxed. They’ve been in the music industry for so long there’s really nothing that can surprise them anymore. With this album they don’t aim to top the charts (even though every song would have a rightful place there), they’re just playing that sweet, sweet melodic piano pop that I love so much. And James Walsh to this day remains one of my favourite male vocalists. Such a good tone.

My favourite songs from the album: Caught In the Middle, All This Life, Fallout, Blood

17 Paramore: After Laughter

Paramore and I have a long history of not really getting what the big idea is. I understand they were a big deal when everyone ironed their hair and people just found out about winged eyeliner and even though I enjoyed quite a few of their songs I just couldn’t really get into them. Once I grew out of my teens and realised it was all the internalised misogyny I became a lot more tolerant. Their 2013 self-titled was so good and once I heard they were changing up their style for After Laughter I became intrigued. The good news is they still sing about relatable stuff like quarter life crisis, depression, growing up, The Industry, and even more good news is that they’re treading some stranger waters instrumenting-wise. It’s very indie pop-ish, I dig that.

My favourite songs from the album: Idle Worship, Caught In the Middle, Told You So

16 You Me At Six: Night People

I don’t know much about You Me At Six so I can’t put this album into perspective, I only know that when it popped up on my Release Radar I liked it. Every song is really energetic, no artsy fartsy bs (not that there’s anything wrong with that but sometimes you just need simple things). Great for headbanging, for background music, it’s simple rock music at its best. If you like melodies, you should check it out. And to Spotify, more accidental surprises like this, please.

My favourite songs from the album: Plus One, Take On the World, Heavy Soul

15 Maxïmo Park: Risk to Exist

The dangerous thing about creating perfect albums is that it’s really hard to live up to them. Such is the case of more bands on this list and Maximo Park is no exception. The National Health was such an absolute gem that Too Much Information, even though not a bad album in its own right, was infuriatingly inadequate when putting it next to it predecessor. So this time I tried not doing that and even though it took me a few tries but eventually made peace. A little milder, a little slower, a little more quiet, but still Maximo Park at heart, Risk to Exist is a sensitive, dancey sort of soulful indie rock record.

My favourite songs on the album: Work and Then Wait, The Reason I Am Here, Make What You Can

14 Walk the Moon: What If Nothing

Long story short Walk the Moon’s first album (the real one, not “i want! i want!”) is a masterpiece and I regard it as one of the best albums of all time, no joke. With the release of Talking Is Hard the guys sort of turned away from indie rock and pursued a more synthpop direction that I wasn’t entirely on board with. The songs were nice but I just didn’t feel the same energy from them. Unfortunately for me What If Nothing continues down that road but I just love these boys too much to not follow along. I still think they’re wasting so many opportunities by “watering down” their sound but you know what? The songs are still nice. Nicholas Petricca’s voice is insane, and the album’s full of life-happy, joyful songs. It’s nice.

My favourite songs from the album: One Foot, Kamikaze, Can’t Sleep (Wolves)

13 Beth Ditto: Fake Sugar

I know and like Beth Ditto even though I only know two or three of Gossip’s most famous songs. They weren’t my favourite back when they were still together but Beth’s insane range and tone was never up to debate. I listened to Fake Sugar on a whim and it was the only album from my panic-catch-up list that I wanted to keep listening to over and over again once I was done and decided it would get on this list. The style just about matches Gossip’s (from what I heard); easy-listening synthpop/rock that draws you in for singalongs. If you like the genre you’ll think this is awesome.

My favourite songs from the album: Oh My God, Oo La La, In and Out

12 Andrew McMahon In the Wilderness: Zombies on Broadway

If you know nothing about Andrew McMahon I can sum him up really short for you: he’s a genius. For real, he’s only 35 years old and he’s been at this shit for decades, since high school pretty much. He just oozes music wherever he goes. He’s been the head of the late 90s pop punk sensation, Something Corporate while playing a piano (how punk is that? it’s pretty punk) then after forming his second project Jack’s Mannequin he almost died (like, literally), then came back to release some more albums (one of which, The Glass Passenger is also one of the best albums of all time) and he’s been doing it solo ever since. He’s a versatile creator that doesn’t just write and sing songs, he creates whole worlds and universes. He’s so versatile and relentless, and Zombies on Broadway is just another addition to his world of never-ending miracles.

I’m hyping him up real good, but honestly, I admire him so much. And I love that his current project, as much as it is similar, couldn’t actually fit Jack’s Mannequin’s profile at all. It’s familiar but something different altogether.

My favourite songs from the album: Walking In My Sleep, Island Radio, Birthday Song

11 Kesha: Rainbow

I love strong and successful people and I love happy endings. Kesha’s had her fair share of suffering but luckily it looks like she’s back on her feet and finally making the music she wants to make. Sure it’d be nice to not have to regard what happened to her personally when judging what she’s doing professionally but it’s impossible to go through something like that withou it affecting what you do. In Kesha’s case it’s double-through since she used all that bullshit to boost her craft. The songs on Rainbow are all about that, the pretty parts of the storm, the aftermath of the rain, positivity in remembrance, strength in letting go, and having fun.

I like this new sort of country-ish sound that is present in a few songs but also the ones that kept her dance pop roots, it’s a pleasant record that is as multi-layered as a rainbow.

My favourite songs from the album: Learn to Let Go, Rainbow, Boots