#even if only for a moment ... could durge feel almost as if enver goddamn gortash

[enduringmoth]

i know i'm not the first person to write a post like this but i simply cannot stop thinking about how much it stings for a trying-to-be-redeemed dark urge specifically to be so heavily supported at every turn by the vast majority of their party in all things, from handling their urges to acknowledging that they are a bhaalspawn--

only for literally each and every member of the party except for astarion, in part to absolutely BLAST them when gortash reveals their part in originating the absolute crisis.

i'm not saying that they don't deserve to have plenty of feelings about it. karlach in particular gets a large pass due to her trauma regarding gortash. all of them are allowed to have a reaction, all of them are allowed to need time.

but the fact that the dark urge (again, referring particularly to a dark urge attempting to break away from bhaal's influence) receives not an ounce of credit from the party for their efforts thus far. the fact that the party goes from empathetic and supportive to acting as if they'd been intentionally harboring this secret the whole time (hello?? amnesia??). pretending as if the person they are working with hasn't proven time and time again that they are not the same person they once were.

yes, obviously the extent of the netherbrain and the chosens' harm on life is extreme -- i'm not saying they should let it pass like water under a bridge. i'm just saying that it's such a sharp turn and it is absolutely agonizing to think about how durge must feel.

additionally, isn't there something to be said about how so much forgiveness is offered for ALL other party members for what they do/ have done for their masters?

even shadowheart is offered far more sympathy if she chooses to slay the nightsong. clearly people don't agree with her choice, but they don't turn on her entirely, even though it is objectively the worst choice.

astarion choosing to ascend is, again, not agreed with by many, but the 7,000 people he happily benefits from the deaths of are not given any significant scrutiny from the party.

etc etc ...

it just absolutely guts me. a redemption-seeking dark urge has to be hurting after all of that. they have to feel like they're floating in a vast ocean with not even driftwood to cling to.

the party made them feel like maybe, just maybe, they didn't have to be alone in their suffering. in this moment, though ...

there aren't words for how i'd feel if i was in their shoes.