#even if its phum's parents

[fuck-i-like-too-much-stuff]

I know everyone is touchy about Peem being like "maybe you should reconsider making it up with your dad" and everyone also wants a fix it fic about it. But just for a second if we keep these expectations aside and think-

Peem has been very close to his parents since forever. He can't imagine a life without his parents. He knows how much of a role they play in his life and he knows that if he didnt have them, life would not turn out the way it did for him.

When he looks at Phum, knowing only how much pain the boy has been through but barely the reason behind it, he wants Phum to have less pain. He isn't pushy about it, just optimistic because he himself is a family first sort of person.

Yes it would be great if we would have Peem being supportive of Phum's decision to never reconcile with his father, and it would be great if Peem voiced that conversation that way.

But guess what? This Peem would still do that even after saying this to Phum in private. If anything happens between Phum and his father, you sure as hell can believe that Peem will not leave Phum's side and will stand by him/up for him.

The scene, while couldve been better, is still true to their characters.

[happypotato48]

We Are: Fighting Toxic Masculinity With The Power Of Friendship

Wow, who would have thought that it We Are of all things that make me write this, i really need to expand my horizons.

I will mostly be talking about Phum and Toey in this post, on how i feel related to certain aspects of their characters that related to toxic masculinity and how that ties in to the overarching theme of this show, Friendships.

So i've mentioned before that the way Toey talks is very noticeable, let me elaborate that further. both the way Toey use his name as a first person pronoun and his mannerism are very childish but its not just that. becuse of toxic masculinity and societal norms in thailand it's more acceptable for women to talks like that and use childish pronouns than men. for an example the pronoun Nu. boys are expected to drops that when they reach certain age (some don't and continuing to use it exclusively with their parents especially their mothers, including your truly.) cause of that the way Toey talks also can be read as feminine + satang performance made him feels like a very visibly queer character to me.

And here i think We Are strength come in cause the show never break its bubble but alluded that Toey had been bullied in highschool. and it so heartwarming to me knowing that Phum and Fang stood up and protect him then, and now with this current friends group who never one even remotely mentioned or tease him in anyways and ready to protect and fight for Toey's happiness, its give me all the feels. Toey can be himself and never felt like he needs to change and conform to the standard of masculinity because he have men in his life whose said no you are perfect the way you are.

Now Phum oh my dear baby boy. as first i was not vibing at all with PhumPeem as main couple but after the slow burn of 11 episodes they had won me over wholeheartedly. first thing first though i don't know anyone mentioned this before but the word that got translate as "slave" is เบ๊ *Be which in this school context have more of a bullying vibe and feel less harsh than the word slave. anyways we learned that Phum had a lonely childhood abroad far aways from his family and how stuffed toys are his only comfort at the time. as the start of the show Phum because of his childhood had walls up around himself manifested as toxic asshole exterior. and i loved that it not just only because of Peem that those walls came down, the show made the point again and again by having Phum said that he loves spending time with Peem and his friends that being with them makes him feels at ease.

And that why i think this show is goodish (it still a bit trash but hey i love it anyway.) and not a show that has nothing to say because how much it give important to the friendships. the show clearly stated that friends are as important as lovers and through friendship us queer guys can protect and better ourselves with each other. that male friendships can be more then what the world told us to be.

These are the reasons why i think We Are is one of my favorite BLs this year. because the nature of it never breaking the bubble its, for one hour made me feel like i can breathe, that for one hour i don't have to think about queer truth that hurts sometime and live in this queer fantasy. and i appreciated that eminently when i have to leave that bubble and face the music.

tagging for reasons >.> @bengiyo

[thunder-point]

Cole, I haven't been able to stop thinking about this but how do you think it goes down when Peem introduces Phum as his boyfriend to his parents?

Cause I keep imagining Peem realizing he doesn't know the extent of Phum's issues with his family/his dad and comes to the realization of how hard it was for Phum to go there (with the possibility of his dad being there).

So, Peem decides to introduce Phum (so Phum knows he always has another home he can turn to). But of course Phum is nervous because he knows how close Peem is to his parents and how much his parents love him. So, Phum decides to bring some fancy, expensive alcohol.

But when they get there and Peem tells his parents, Phum doesn't even have time to give them the alcohol because of how ecstatic Peem's parents are.

His mom is so happy and is hugging Phum because all of her sons have found significant others (she's still waiting on Chain and Pun to get together). She's fawning over Phum and asking him questions about himself and their relationship.

Peem's dad is more laidback and teases Peem about how long it took him to bring a significant other home. Then he welcomes Phum and asks him about himself, he's interested in his studies but he's even more interested in Phum's photography. He goes to get his own camera and tells Phum about the best places in Chiang Mai to take photos.

Phum is of course slightly overwhelmed because this is most positive attention (and just attention in general) he's ever gotten from parents. Peem is also ecstatic, but seeing how flustered Phum is he steers the conversation to the gifts Phum brought.

Needless to say, Peem's parents get even more excited when they see Phum's gifts.

Just Phum getting showered (and slightly overwhelmed) by positive attention from Peem's parents and getting adopted by them like he was adopted by Aunt Pui.

Peach this is Everything. I’ve read this so many times because it’s so full with emotions and yes, this is what should happen. Phum and Peem’s parents creating a bond so strong that it would shatter any stability to his insecurities towards parental figures.

!!!! Also Peach imagine. Just imagine Peem’s mom starting to call Phum like she calls Q. Just from time to time, just to ask about his day, or how Peem is doing, or how Fang and Toey are doing (because she knows those are his beloved brothers), just to see what juicy gossip he has to offer.

The first time she calls him, Phum is trembling whole with an emotions he hasn’t felt in so long. He can barely talk through the knot in his throat. And then, the next times she calls he gets emotional from other reasons entirely. He gets emotional because she remembers everything he tells her. Every little detail of any conversation they have. And she recalls them and asks about advancements in certain situations and it’s such a whiplash from his conversations with his own mother, where she’e tuned to him with one ear only most of the time.

Imagine that he gets so comfortable and so happy with their calls that he starts calling her back. Peem finds his boyfriend and his mother giggling at each other as they face time one day, going on about idk knitting or something.

His relationship with Peem’s father takes a bit longer to get to a deeper level of comfort, because of obvious reasons (he has a harder time letting his walls down), but it gets to a point where Peem’s dad sends Phum all kinds of locations around Thailand, and lightly teases him “take cat to these places, son ;)” and fiejdiej AAAAAAAH I WILL COMBUST ITS JUST SO

So soft, Peach 🥺 Thank you for sending me this ask. I need face time calls with Phum and Mama Peem and Peem being so overly soft at seeing them doing it.

[calciumcryptid]

We Are Episode Thirteen Thoughts:

Fai, Mick, Matthew, and Beer content (someone save Beer please)!

The Subject of Kluen: As someone who tells people I have a crush on them right away, Kluen being transparent with Peem was nice to see. He has been a green flag in general, and I do quite like him even if he entered a losing race. Love how his jokes came across as awkward instead of ill-intentioned.

More Demiromantic Q! The evidence keeps growing with each episode. I'm starting to think I might have to separate my essay by episode or it might be a little too scattered.

Honestly, I was the least interested in ChainPun because I thought the twist was they were already together, so I was thrown a curveball when Chain said Pun should turn his cupid arrows on himself. I've seen some people's theories tossed around, and I think the new one I subscribe to is Chain confessed his feelings for Pun but Pun either misunderstood or put him on hold due to not wanting to change their friend group's dynamic.

QToey being so cute it was distracting. I'm glad Toey got the chance to tell Q he was the one who inspired him to go into art. I have a lot of thoughts about their dynamic, but a lot of those thoughts also tie back into demiromantic Q so I guess I should really continue my essay.

The misunderstanding plot not really existing. Like it did, but We Are is good at making it's episode to episode plots watchable and solvable without feeling unnecessary.

Full transparency, I'm not quite sure I completely vibe with the 'fought with my parents so I couldn't pick you up' plot point. Not because I found it stupid, but because I feel like I didn't understand why Phum couldn't pick Peem up. Did the argument really last that long or did Phum simply not want to show up on a sour note (which would be valid!)? Felt like a little further explanation could have done it some good.

PhumPeem are officially dating! This show is three for four in confession scenes that make sense for the characters involved, and three for four in first confession attempts vs second confession attempts (though technically TanFang's confession success was in its first attempt). Glad Peem didn't accept the affections of cocky Phum but nervous Phum.

I still refuse to believe Series!Phum is a top.

[jojotichakorn]

the funny thing is if they want me to believe that phum not forgiving his father is a mistake that he has made, i would need to put it in the same line as all the other mistakes he has made. there are just two problems with that though: reason and reaction.

looking at the way he dealt with the initial confrontation between him and peem, the mistake emerged from him not knowing how to deal with conflict and jumping to defensive if not actively aggressive tactics to protect himself automatically. what is the reason for him being so bad at dealing with conflict, you ask? well, you see, he has been stuck in a perpetual conflict with his parents pretty much his entire life. as for the reaction, he catches up with the fact that the slave deal is wrong relatively fast and eventually wants it to be over. him coming to this conclusion is the slowest reaction he has to a mistake we have witnessed, but he at least stops bringing up the deal mere weeks after they have made it and feels apologetic about what he did to peem's painting every time it is brought up.

looking at the way he dealt with leaving peem to wait for him at the mall, the mistake emerged from him thinking that peem would definitely leave almost immediately. what is the reason for him being sure no one would wait for him, you ask? well, you see, his parents ignored him his whole childhood, and when he finally returned back home, it didn't feel like they were waiting for him at all, as they didn't even care enough to celebrate his birthday. as for the reaction, the second he realises peem actually waited for him, he regrets what he did immediately and apologises for it.

looking at the way he dealt with feeling ignored by peem and slighted in favour of kluen, the mistake emerged from his abandonment and self-esteem issues. what is the reason for those issues, you ask? that's right. his parents again. and as for the reaction, he once again regrets what he said immediately and makes a really good, sincere apology for it.

we can even take a look at him going mia on peem the day they wanted to submit the painting and he got into a fight with his father (though i wouldn't really call that one an outright mistake). the reason why he decided to simply disappear was because his parents always made him feel like there was too much of him, like he demanded too much attention, and that's why they couldn't give it to him. and his reaction to peem being upset because of his disappearance was once again an apology and a promise to do better next time.

you see, the direct reason for all mistakes we see phum make is the horrific neglect he experienced at the hands of his parents. so if they do want me to consider phum's relationship with his father a mistake on phum's part, it is a "you made your bed, now sleep in it" sort of situation at best. and even then, you can't complain about something you literally caused just because it blew up in your face after.

but then there is, of course, also phum's reaction to his mistakes, which is always an admittance of guilt, an apology, and an improvement of character. yet you want me to believe his inability to fix his relationship with his father was due to some sort of unreasonable petulance and stubbornness? please.

so even in the event that i stop considering the state of their relationship a mistake on the parents' part and look at it as a mistake on phum's part instead, if i then follow the reason for this mistake directly to its cause, it will end up eating itself like it's the fucking ouroboros, and the ones at fault will still end up being the parents - not phum. and as such, fixing the relationship was never supposed to be phum's responsibility. even forgiveness should have never been expected from him. not that either of the parents ever uttered the word sorry either, by the way.

[almayver]

The thought of Peem having art block and being stressed over an assignment, so he goes over to Phum's. And Phum, who had been learning recipes from Aunt Pui and Peem's mom, makes him something familiar to the best of his ability. And Peem who eats all of it because he saw how hard Phum work and that makes it taste even better (even though the food had some issues). And then Phum tells Peem to take a shower and once Peem is dressed in comfy pajamas that have rain drops on them (that Phum bought for him), Phum brings him over to the couch and Phum puts a pillow in his lap. And once Peem is laying with his head in Phum's lap, holding Noi (the name I gave Phum's bear stuffie), Phum starts stroking Peem's hair and going "close your eyes Cat" and Peem falls asleep like that, won't leave me.

Well now its not going to leave ME either peach. !!!!!!! Gods yes yes yes.

Them being just, domestic. Being each other's comfort. And the implications of Aunt Pui and Peem's mom teaching Phum, being so gentle and kind when teaching him while simultaneously being overjoyed because this is exactly the type of love they always wanted for Peem?? And also imagine him serving Peem a special dish and Peem looking completely awestruck even before tasting it and when Phum is like “what? Did I do something wrong?”, Peem tells him that this is a family recipe that his mom usually guards with her life, that she never even taught Peem. And then Phum cries, and Peem cries, and we all cry.

Additionally, I guess Peem is shit at cooking because his parents and aunt always cooked for him, and Fang is shit at cooking, but he also still lives at home. I assume Phum actually cooks way better than both of them because you develop some skills by living alone, but he gets SO MUCH BETTER once he has someone to cook for. Like my boy is going to become THE cook of the friend group. The way he communicates his love so often by doing and giving things to others? Yeah that boy is learning to cook and becoming a master. And he starts collecting everyone's favorite dishes so he can comfort them when needed because words sometimes are hard for him but this, this he can do.

ALSO Noi is the plushies name now. Its canon

... this was a lot damn. Thanks for sending this my way Peach <3<3

[ambivartence]

get to know you

i was tagged by @nctnews-main 😍🥰 thank u!! sorry this is so late u tagged me 3 weeks ago LOL

tagging (if ur bored n wanna do this) @24hoursofdaisy @evrxx @fleeceyang @idonghyuck @peachjaem00 @ptrbprkrs

What day is your birthday? ♐︎ 19th

What is your favorite color? mustard yellow

What’s your lucky number? im not superstitious enough to have one

Do you have any pets? no

How tall are you? 163 cm

How many pairs of shoes do you own? 8-ish?

Favorite song? lover boy by phum viphurit

Favorite movie? i dont have one atm but in the past i've really liked little women and the farewell and inception. i might still have captain america the winter soldier memorized.

Who would be your ideal partner? i know MBTI is pseudo science but probably a xNFx type lol also someone who knows how to cook so i dont have to do all of it

Do you want children? dunno

Have you ever got in trouble with the law? no

Baths or showers? showers

What color socks are you wearing? not wearing any rn

What type of music do you like? kpop... also indie or rnb or hiphop

How many pillows do you sleep with? 2

What position do you usually sleep in? side or stomach

What you dont like when you are sleeping? waking up

What do you typically have for breakfast? i wake up at lunch time rn

Have you ever tried archery? no (but its def my fave isac event if that counts for anything)

Favorite fruit? watermelon, lychee, persimmons (tell me ur chinese without saying ur chinese lol)

Favorite swear word? shit or cabrón

Do you have any scars? theres one on my chin thats not visible but i can feel it. also acne scars does that count :)

Are you a good liar? not at all

What is your personality type? intj-a

What is your favorite type of girls? girls that play video games

Are you an innie or an outie? innie lol i had to search this up ive never heard of it put like this before

Left or right handed? right

Favorite food? chinese

Favorite foreign food? mexican

Are you a clean or messy person? clean

Most used phrased? "Also"

How long does it take for you to get ready? half an hour

Do you talk to yourself? no

Do you sing to yourself? yes

Are you a good singer? no but idc it's fun

Biggest Fear? my parents' health / safety ... and crawly bugs

Are you a gossip? not really

Do you like long or short hair? short

Favorite school subject? art 🤓

Extrovert or Introvert? ambivert(ence haha) but more introvert

What makes you nervous? public speaking and heights / falling

Who was your first real crush? the popular kid down the street in elementary school lol

How many piercings do you have? none

How fast can you run? i was ok in high school (10 min mile) but i haven't timed my running since. i prefer swimming for cardio

What color is your hair? black

What color is your eyes? brown

What makes you angry? sasaeng fans and white supremacy

Do you like your own name? ya it's cool. means remember / appreciate where u come from in chinese which is p deep. thanks mom n dad

Do you want a boy a girl for a child? child is child, gender or no gender. do i even want a child :\

What are you strengths? staying up late. sleeping in. being organized. going down youtube rabbit holes.

What are your weaknesses? mornings. timeliness. my biases and my growing WIP pile.

Color of your bedspread? white

Color of your room? off white

[asianhappinesss]

The Blue Hour (2015)

Summary

The story of a bullied teenager Tam who befriends and has a sexual relationship with a mysterious gay boy Phum at a haunted abandoned pool. Their affair starts out as a romance but, later, shifts to a darker territory.

Review

This review may contain spoilers

This is my first movie comment. I felt compelled to write this review because many viewers and reviewers haven’t given this movie credit for how good it is primarily because they have a preconceived notion or expectation of what the movie is before watching it and feel unsatisfied at the end because they don’t fully understand it. If you think this story is a gay coming-out/love story or a horror movie the you’ve been badly misled but give it a chance and you’ll find it to be a pretty worthwhile watch. I will admit that the first time I watched it I was confused as to what happened. Much like the movie the Sixth Sense this one made you think and required you to watch it a second time. The second time around it makes more sense. This is not your conventional horror movie or a gay coming of age love story. Think of it as the reaction of the mind because of horrors that it has to endure. The title The Blue Hour is very significant to the meaning of the movie. The Blue Hour, also known as Onthakan, is the time between day and night; dream and reality; good and evil. This is where this movie lies. My personal thoughts on what the movie means after watching it a second time. Don’t read the next section till you’ve watched the movie at least once, The story is about Tam, a High School student who’s bullied at school and physically and mentally abused at home by his family for being gay. To escape, his mind creates an alter ego named Phum. The movie goes back and forth between Tam’s reality and dreams — hence the blue hour — with the majority of the movie in Tam’s dreams. Phum is strong, independent, self-aware and confident, traits that Tam doesn’t have.

Phum essentially acts as the trigger (imagine that little devil on Tam’s shoulder) that unleashes the horrors that lie within Tam’s mind. Phum frees Tam sexually; makes him feel at peace with himself and who he is (any of their poolside chats and the rooftop scene); allows Tam to metaphorically see what his parents have taken away from him (the empty field with so much potential that became a garbage dump - Tam is accused of everything that is bad with their family, including being gay), rationalize murder to save himself (stuff that happens while he’s in the dump); and to learn how to mentally get away from it all (I think this is what the whole holding breath thing is, to be dead without being dead).

The pool represents the dirty section of Tam’s mind. The random images that show up on the pool walls that look like images of people made from crap are manifestations of Tam’s problems specifically his family that keep on showing up no matter how hard he tries to remove them. Tam nearly drowning in the pool is essentially that, Tam drowning in his problems.

Not sure what the meaning of Phum saving Tam from drowning means. However, after Phum saves and revives him, Tam admits that he can’t remember anything that happened - thereby admitting that he’s struggling between dreams and reality or maybe even good and evil thoughts. The gangsters, who Tam and Phum meet at the pool, are the manifestations of Tam rationalizing murdering his family and a willingness to give up parts of himself to do it - the whole negotiation and Phum listing all the things he’s willing to give up.

The ending scene, Tam and Phum meet at a calm river representing Tam’s mind at peace and calm. I too struggled with this movie at first. A second viewing with an open and objective mind will really make you appreciate the movie and its subtle complexities. Gun and Oabnathi did a great job acting in this movie that you wanted to believe that they were “real” couple/friendship as opposed to just that little devil on Tam’s shoulder. Thats the genius of movies like this and the Sixth Sense.

[anasianpotato]

30 Days Writing Challenge

I just found this challenge on twitter and, well, i dont really have much things to do soooo here we go!!

DAY 1: its either im way too excited for things or idgaf at all, theres no in between. im socially awkward, especially around new people, but once you get to know me theres no way to stop me from talking! im a lil bit sarcastic and like to throw shades at people ehe and lastly, i love spilled tea but not spilling them #guilty

DAY 2: good music makeeeeeeessss me super happy, like literally it can set my mood for the day. i loveee cute animals, just looking at them makes me happy! and also mini-sized things makes me want to explode from happiness hehehe lastly, hugs and kisses

DAY 3: Bandung, June 22nd 2019. The place, the moment, the person. Everything was soooo perfect. We went to see Phum Viphurit and it was nothing less than amazing. The rough chair, the 8 hr trip, the sunset. We started to grow apart at that time, we both knew it but refused to talk about it. Joji’s Sanctuary just recently came out, he suddenly took out his earphones, plugged it to his phone, offered me the left piece, then he played the song. We were immersed in the song and lyrics and just enjoyed the sunset while sitting on the train.

DAY 4: Greece!!! UK!! Budapest!! Bandung!! Surabaya!! New York!! There are lot of places i want to visit but im in short of money soooooo yup :-) 

DAY 5: They are doing pretty much good as parents. I mean they are not the best but also not the worst. I appreciate everything they’ve done for me and yeah im grateful to have them in my life even tho im not really fond of them, i guess?

DAY 6: Being single comes hand-in-hand with happiness. I mean, its literally the time and the chance for us to learn something new about ourselves. Being single means you are not tied down to do things that you dont want to do. Being single makes you realize that you are the ONLY one person that is responsible for your own happiness. Dont let other people define your happiness!!! lol this literally is something that i write for myself.

DAY 7: Cant pick one. I loveeeeeee romance comedy movies. Cheesy, i know. My favorites are the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, 500 days of summer, hes just not that into you, love actually, bridget jones’ diary, music&lyrics. I also love shrek the third, idk why i just love it, watched it hundreds time. The emperor’s new groove also my fav. Ghiblis’ movies are awesome too!! Spirited away, howl’s moving castle, the wind rises, and ocean waves are so so so so goodddd!! Oh and i also love Lalaland, The King’s Speech, theory of everything, the danish girl, and the imitation game.

DAY 8: Music is soooooooooo powerful!!!! I mean it. It really is powerful, well, at least for me. You know that feeling when you just found a really good song that somehow relates to you??? Music makes you feel things. I guess its just how art works? They make you feel things? Oh and also, music is the closest thing to time machine right now. See? Music, well, art in general can transport you!!

DAY 9: Happiness is def something that you need to earn by yourself. You cant just depend your happiness on someone/something else. Happiness is different for everyone, just try to find the meaning of YOUR happiness and go for it. Well, im still struggling to find my own happiness tho but lets just keep trying, shall we?

DAY 10: I dont really have that much of friend tbh but you know what they say, quality over quantity. My best friends are literally the main reason why im still here. They mean the whole world to me.

DAY 11: There’s nothing much to say about my sibling if im being honest. My sister lives in Jkt with her husband and her kids. My brother is autistic. I love my brother to death and will do anything for him. Thats all.

DAY 12: I LOVEEEEEE TV SERIES HAHAHAHA. From the good ones, to the shitty ones. Some of my favorites are modern family, the good place, brooklyn 99, stranger things, how to get away from murder, next in fashion, the amazing world of gumball, andddd i suddenly cant remember anything else

DAY 13: I dont really read books a lot, but one of my favorites is Norwegian Wood. Its just soooooo beautifully written. You can feel the love, the pain, the warmth, you can feel everything through Haruki Mukami’s words.

DAY 14: Im not the most stylish person you will ever meet. I wear similar things everyday. Neutral colors paired with culottes and sandals or sneakers. Thats it. I actually love colors but not confident enough to wear it.

DAY 15: New York or London. I dont know, i’ve always admired busy places. Cities filled with busy people doing their own thing. No one gives a fuck about what you do. Busy places make you think no matter how shitty your day is, there will always be tomorrow.

DAY 16: we used to do everything together. we used to talk for hours about everything. we used to share our favorite songs to each other. we used to laugh at our own stupid jokes. we used to go to music gigs together. we used to watch movies together. not sure if he is the one that im missing or is it just the memories? the time that we spent together was beautiful. its kinda funny to think now that we act like a stranger to each other but yeah time changes people. he was my first everything. sometimes i wonder what would happen if we’re still together to this day, would i be happier? or would i suffer more? this may sound ridiculous, but what we had was as beautiful as lyrics in songs, melodies in musics, colors in paintings. ewwwww this is sooo cringe worthy lol okay i’ll stop.

DAY 17: im so attracted to funny guys i dont know why lol i love guys who can make me laugh. i also love a guy who knows what hes doing. Guys with knowledge also turn me on lol oh and im sooo into guys with glasses.

DAY 18: 1. My full name is Bernadetha Sari Jasmine, 2. I was born in September 21st 1998, 3. I’m a middle child, 4. I’m socially awkward, 5. I literally overthink about everything, 6. I have low self-esteem, sad i know, 7. I’m majoring in Industrial Engineering, 8. I always speak the truth, 9. I’m loyal, 10. i love listening to musics, 11. i respect art, 12. i love the magic of cooking, 13. im an introvert, 14. i get shy around people im not close with, 15. im slow witted, 16. im detail oriented, 17. i know everything i want to know, 18. i wear glasses, 19. im the-go-with-the-flow kind of person, 20. i dont know what i want to do with my life, 21. i used to date a guy for 8 years straight lol, 22. i wear braces for 10 years (and still counting), 23. i hate dramas thus i always try to avoid it, 24. im a hopeless romantic, 25. im a pessimist, 26. i love ayam geprek so much!!! 27. i love buildings, 28. i also love the sound of the road when we drive around the city, 29. i daydream a lot, 30. i live in my own fantasy.

DAY 19: just read my writing for day 16

I think thats it for now, im getting tired lol prob going to continue this at some other time sooo see you!

[ruminativerabbi]

Two Life Heroes

One thing I’ve noticed over all these many years in the rabbinate is how differently people respond to life’s tragedies. Some respond, well, tragically, allowing the sadness and worry that tragedy naturally engenders to overwhelm their natural optimism to the point that it suffuses them with a kind of rage-tinged sadness that eventually affects every aspect of their lives and effectively prevents them from truly enjoying any of life’s pleasures. But other people respond in precisely the opposite way to even the most calamitous disaster, allowing such events to inspire them to devote themselves to repairing the world, to doing what they can to prevent the horribleness that they personally have encountered from wrecking the lives of others as well. In other words, there are those who are ruined by misfortune and those who are ennobled by it. That, I suppose, is almost an ordinary observation. But what strikes me as I consider that thought from the vantage point of all these years in the pulpit is how difficult it would be in advance to predict who will fall into which category.

I was very moved about a month ago watching Marie Nahmias light the national Independence Day torch in Israel, one of the nation’s highest honors for an Israeli civilian, and decided on the spot to write about her in this space. Mme. Nahmias came originally from Tunisia, where she was just a girl of seventeen when the Nazis occupied her homeland. She understood herself and her family to be in mortal danger, but they somehow survived until the British pushed the Germans out in 1943 and things calmed down considerably. But that turned out only to be a temporary respite for Jewish Tunisia: once the country became an independent Arab republic in 1956, anti-Jewish sentiment became rampant and violent. And so, after surviving the Germans, the Sabah family (Nahmias is Marie’s married name) emigrated with almost the entire Jewish community to Israel, where they were housed, not in modern apartment houses or on welcoming, verdant kibbutzim, but rather in one of the vast tent cities called ma·abarot that were set up to accommodate the massive immigration to Israel from the Arab world in the 1950s. Conditions were, to say the least, primitive. There was a strong sense among many that the states assets were not allotted fairly or equitably to all immigrants regardless of country of origin. No one wished to stay any longer than necessary. And Mlle. Sabah, now Mme. Nahmias, didn’t stay either, eventually moving out and becoming the mother of eight children. Things became much, much better. But then Marie’s son Shaul was critically wounded in the Yom Kippur War.

So here was a woman wholly entitled to be irritated with the world: her teenaged years spent first hiding from the barbarians who occupied Tunisia during the dark years of the German occupation and then trying to evade the anti-Jewish thugs that terrorized Jewish people in her newly independent homeland, her twenties spent under the most primitive of conditions in a country that could barely accommodate the level of immigration it itself encouraged relentlessly among the Jews of the diaspora, and then her oldest son very seriously wounded in a terrible war that took the lives of thousands of the nation’s young people. Yet Mme. Nahmias did not respond angrily or bitterly, but instead resolved to respond to her own life by doing good. And so she opened up her house to foster children, but not just to any foster children at all. Instead, she made it known that she would accept in her home solely children with the kind of grievous physical and mental handicaps that basically made them unplaceable elsewhere. Eventually, she took in fifty-two such children, Jewish and Arab, Israeli and foreign, making of her home a warm, accepting place and a wholly safe space specifically for children whom no one else would take in regardless of their level of physical handicap or special needs. 

Mme. Nahmias is ninety-three years old now and has over 100 descendants, including great-great-grandchildren. The committee that chose her to light the Independence Day Torch heralded her as “a symbol of the immigrants who established Israeli society on a foundation of mutual solidarity and help to the needy, and of the thousands of foster families in Israel who opened their hearts to help children in crisis.” At first, she appeared overcome with emotion. But then she was asked to offer the nation her personal blessing, which she somehow managed to do with such unexpected eloquence and graciousness that it was beyond remarkable to watch. Click here and listen carefully—even without Hebrew, you won’t fail to be moved by this woman who had so many reasons to be bitter and angry at the world, yet who responded to her life’s calamities by choosing to do only good…and who even now in her nineties continues to do good.

I’d like to compare Mme. Nahmias’s story to someone a universe away from Israel, a man named Arun Sothea who lives in a town named Phum Thom in Cambodia.

I’ve written before about Aharon Appelfeld’s great novel, Blooms of Darkness, and specifically about its stunning conclusion. In those final pages of the book, a little boy—recognizable to all readers as the author himself, but of course maintaining his in-book identity as little Hugo as the story progresses—a little boy who finds himself entirely alone in the world after the woman who hid him from the Nazis was herself executed by her countrymen for collaborating with the enemy, this friendless, protectorless, completely defenseless waif makes his slow progress through the streets of his hometown in search of his parents and his own past. As he walks, the hearts of the those reading the story are broken: Hugo is still living in a child’s dream world, whereas we, the readers, know that it’s all gone, that his parents and his entire family have been murdered, that the life he is expecting to find intact in the setting in which he last saw it has irrevocably and permanently vanished, that the only way for him to survive is to start life anew…and that we are asking that kind of mature effort to self-define and self-invent of a boy of nine. (To revisit what I wrote back in 2012 about Appelfeld’s book, click here. If you haven’t read the book, I can’t recommend it too highly.)

I have read almost all of Appelfeld’s novels and have come to esteem the closing pages of Blooms of Darkness as one of the seminal passages in Appelfeld’s entire oeuvre. I’ve read it many times and never without tears coming to my eyes. (To read that passage and not be moved to tears would require having a heart made of brick.) And now I read that same story, almost exactly, about another little boy from a different universe.

In the late 1970s, the Khmer Rouge ruled Cambodia. To subdue the nation, its rulers used the usual tactics of totalitarian regimes to bring the populace to its knees: mass executions, forced deportation, interment in labor camps, intentionally inflicted mass starvation, and the threat of merciless torture for all who run afoul of the authorities. Arun Sothea was a child back then. For the crime of stealing a fish, the starving child was sent to a labor camp for “re-education.” And then, in 1979, when he was still only nine years old, he was released from the work camp in which he had been imprisoned. And now he steps into Appelfeld’s narrative. He had no family, no money, no friends, no concept of what he could or should do. And so he undertook to walk on his own back to his hometown, a distance of 150 miles. Like the boy in the book, he maintained the fantasy that he would find the setting of his earlier childhood intact, his family and friends waiting to welcome him home. But, of course, like young Hugo in Appelfeld’s novel, he found nothing at all. Indeed, it was upon arrival in his village that he learned that the Khmer Rouge had murdered all thirty-six members of his nuclear and extended families, including his parents. He was totally alone in the world. And there was no one to whom to turn or on whom to rely.

He somehow found his way to Phnom Penh, the capital, where he lived on the streets for years. So if there was every someone who could claim the right to be angry, bitter, and resentful it would be he. But he chose a path more akin to Mme. Nahmias’s than the one most people would feel entirely justified in taking: he grew up to found and run two different orphanages, one in Phnom Penh for children on the street like he himself was and one in his home village for children with neither parents nor extended family to take them in and watch over them. I first read about Arun Sothea in a Times of Israel article that detailed the way that various Jewish charities have reached out to help Sothea in his work. Click here for the article, which is very impressive and quite moving. I can promise that you’ll be moved.

It’s a low-rent operation, especially the branch in Phum Thom. The children sleep on mats on the floor; there are no beds. There are a handful of computers on site, but no internet connection. There is a single classroom. I hope that things improve as time passes and Sothea’s work becomes better known. But the point I make here is more about the man than his work: here is yet another person who responded to the most horrific tragedy—the murder not solely of his parents but of his entire extended family and his own childhood imprisonment in the kind of forced labor camp that many adults didn’t survive—and yet who came through the whole experience imbued not with the desire for revenge but with the desire to do good in the world and to reach out to children in need. 

These stories—Arun Sothea’s and Marie Nahmias’s—are very encouraging to me. It’s impossible to read them without wondering how I myself would have responded as an adult to a childhood spent trying solely to survive the almost unimaginable brutality of my nation’s oppressors, poverty unlike anything I personally have ever known, and a sense of uncertainty about the future that makes it only marginally possible that I will even have one. Those same thoughts, of course, come to mind when I speak with the surviving survivors in our midst, people who lived through the camps and the death marches, through the brutality and daily degradation that was the lot of Jews caught in the Nazis’ net and somehow not murdered immediately. In the end, I suppose, the answer is that I don’t know—that none of us can truly know—how we would have responded to experiences like those. On the other hand, what I do know is that tragedy embitters some and ennobles others. But why some fall into one category and others into the other—that is a riddle I have yet to come even close to solving.

[zelq]

q tag!

answer questions about yourself and tag people!

tagged by: @daely​ thank yooou for tagging me!!!!

ABOUT YOU

Hair Color?

black

Is your hair long or short?

short

Eye Color?

black but brown in the sun HAHAHA

Blood Type?

idk :^(

Nickname(s)?

i dont have any anymore (i think) but it was poison ivy

Relationship Status?

single :^)

Pronouns?

she/her

Tattoos?

nooo sometimes im like leaning to the idea of getting one tho

Piercings?

nope but same thing with tattoos like i wanna get like 4piercings on my ear idk the terms

Do you want (more) piercings or tattoos?

wow my dumbass answered this above

Right or Left handed?

right, according to my parents i was left handed but then my grandma said thats not good? buT THE THING IS MY OLDER BROTHER IS LEFT HANDED so (thinking emoji)

Zodiac?

virgo

RIGHT NOW, WHAT ARE YOU….

Eating?

nothing, i ate ice cream tho

Drinking?

water

Listening to?

phum viphurit lover boy check him out!!!

About to watch?

nothing bc i need to do work, i spent the last hour watching random videos already :^/////

Waiting for?

not really something im waiting for but am? the next day where its my grandpa’s bday!! and i get to see my cousins im excitd

THE LAST…

Phone Call?

auntie

Text Message?

friend

Song you listened to?

post malone sunflower ft swae lee

Time you cried?

uuhhh when i watched iu’s drama my mister,,,, one of the best dramas i’ve ever watched

HAVE YOU EVER…

Dated someone twice?

no, i havent even dated

Kissed someone and regretted it?

no

Kissed a stranger?

no

Been cheated on?

game wise yeah, relationship wise no 

Had sex on a first date?

no..

Lost someone special?

yes

Been depressed?

i mean

Drank hard liquor?

nop 

Gotten drunk and thrown up?

nope

Talked to a person named Tom?

no

Had surgery?

no

Lost your glasses?

no, i dont wear glasses

Turned someone down?

yea

Broken someone’s heart?

i think my mums heart

Had your heart broken?

idk tbh no?

Been arrested?

no im a good citizen

Cried when someone died?

yeah

Fallen for a friend?

nope

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU…

Made new friends?

yessss 

Fallen out of love?

nope

Laughed until you cried?

i think almost

Found out someone was talking about you?

nope

Met someone who changed you?

yeah

Found out who your friends are?

yea

Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list?

nope

FAVORITE…

Drink?

peach green tea, soda chanh (sososososo good) and others

Color(s)?  

peach and kinda purple

TV Show(s)?

if its variety 1n2d, kdrama: oh boooooy, i’ll name 2 only; its okay thats love and bc this is my first life (i exlcuded iu’s bc i already mentioned it HHAHAHA)

Sports

lacross but like high school level (small sticks and shit)

Movie(s)?

i really enjoyed the outlaws but im not sure about fave movie

Actor(s)?  

moon chae won! my sweetes!t i have so favourite actresses and so little actors but lee je hoon!!! 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

Miracles?

yeah

Love at first sight?

for me this always chnges

Santa Claus?

no, growing up in an asian household its straight up known santa is fake

Kissing on a first date?

tbh idk

Angels?

not really

Yourself?

sometime..

WHICH IS BETTER?

Hugs or Kisses?

hugs

Lips or Eyes?

eyes

Shorter or Taller?

as like partner? taller actually shorter too, both!

Older or Younger?

any?? idk

Nice arms or nice stomach?

arms what is a nice stomach

Hookup or relationship?

relationship

Troublemaker or hesitant?

a bit of both

RANDOM

What’s your best friend’s name?

uhhh i dont think she would want me to say it

What is something you can’t wait for?

to finish the hsc (biggest exam)

What time did you wake up today?

7.20am on school days

Do you want to change your name?

noooo

What did you do for your last birthday?

go out to eat then celebrate with cake

What were you doing at midnight last night?

sleeping or doing work

What is something that gets on your nerves?

cockiness 

Do you have a crush on someone?

no :^(

What’s your most visited website?

ig

Where do you want to go on vacation?

japan

How many Facebook friends do you know IRL?

almost all of them

Do you have pets?

yesss

Do you want to get married?

yes

What career do you want to have?

i just wanna do something im passionate about like i dont wanna hate my job pls

What is something you want?

to be happy with the people i love

What do you like about yourself?

that i can make people laugh HAHAHAHHAHA esp myself

pleasepleaseplease do this if you want, i dont really tag people in these bc im scared i’ll be bothering them HAHAHAHHA

[thunder-point]

crawls over the wall into your inbox

Sorry to be unhinged in your ask box, but I have been overthinking your We Are Hybrid alternate universe. Mainly about Phum and Fang's canine tails and their ability to wag.

The idea Phum and Fang have tails they can wag when they are happy make me eat the drywall, because they grew up not having many things to be happy about so they probably can't control their tails and when their tails wags.

So when Phum sees Peem again, his tail starts to wag. Phum is trying to hide it, but Peem believes it is a mischievous wag so crisis adverted Phum hasn't revealed his attraction to the cat hybrid. Fang isn't so lucky, because during the night at the bar the moment he sees Tan his tail starts wagging (Phum looks away in second-hand embarrassment). The game is up, Fang is happy to see Tan again. Tan is delighted Fang doesn't hold any resentment for him.

Just canine hybrids Phum and Fang and their tails.

(Side Note: Pretty iconic to make Tan a bunny hybrid. Yes prey animal, top that predator it is what you both deserve.)

(calcium, hi <3 so sorry for the late response. i couldn't get to responding to any asks because time has been so hectic.) Alan and I talked about instincts in this specific phumpeem universe, and how some people think its undignified to let animalistic instincts take over, and others embrace it fully.

Taking Peem as example-- he is very much in tune with his inner cat. His parents never stopped it from happening, they even encouraged it. He loves purring. He doesn't stop it, ever. He doesn't mind that he sometimes has the urge to hiss, or that he climbs furniture in his house because that's what he used to do as a kid when he felt sad-- climbed high places. Or that he sometimes makes biscuits.

In the case of Phum and Fang, their father always told them to act proper, to dig into their human side and leave the animalistic tendencies for when they are alone at home, or not even then. So you're right; it's not only from the lack of happiness that they weren't able to wag their tails, but also because they would often get scolded for it.

But as they get older, their surroundings and new arrivals in their lives make them accept it more. They may not do it at home, but nowadays they accept and even embrace the fact that sometimes the urge to wag their tail gets so big that they can't even control it. They really can't stop it, because happiness is finally here. For Fang, is Tan, is seeing Phum finally smiling with all his face. And for Phum, is Peem, is his friends, the new memories and experiences.

Woah, I rambled so much. But yes!!! They for sure wag their tails a lot around their favorite people.

(haha, thank you <3 i feel like bunnies fit tan's character very much. personally i see these two as being versatile for each other, but that also mean that hell yeah, bun!tan gets to top dog!fang pretty often! they have a lot of fun with it.)

[fuck-i-like-too-much-stuff]

Tan doesn't punch him back. Thats because his mouth is full of blood and he feels like throwing up. He falls to the ground, the grass piercing his knees and shouts in pain.

Fang's eyes lose the light confidence had lit in him. He didnt mean to punch Tan this hard. He had never punched anyone this hard.

It was just that his parents never had time to come see him cheer or see Phum play. It was just that their mother forgot to make them food and they couldn't eat spaghetti on match day so even though Phum ate with Beer, he didn't have the time. It was just that he had been trying to find this school's cheer captain in the beating heat for half an hour. It was just that Tan was getting on his nerves and damn, he did look sorta punchable.

But now, he had gone too far. Tan was being escorted to the medic, Fang was being pushed back by concerned shoulders focussing on his victim. Fang wanted to run. Away, and far, and towards the dark.

Would he get suspended? Would he lose captainship of the cheer team? Would his parents be disappointed? Would they even care? Would they compare him to P'Oat? Would they send him away this time? Would he lose Phum?

1 day, 2 days, 3 days passed and no news of any sort. So Fang, after keeping it a secret from Phum and Beer about being the reason why their football match got mysteriously cancelled, goes to find Tan at his school.

He waits outside the school at dispersal time, a peace offering in his hands. Out comes Tan, a parade following him. A parade of friends it seems, for an annoying guy, he sure is liked a lot.

Tan sees Fang, Fang sees the red in his eyes. He knows he is in trouble as Tan approaches him. "Why the fuck are you here?" Tan is fuming. Fang brings up the snack, offering it with sincere eyes and an apology.

"Oh, okay. Its all in the past now."

What? Fang thinks. Just like that he is forgiven. Tan doesn't punch him, get him reported, make a fuss. Doesnt even tell his friends who all seem to be giving him his space.

"You aren't mad? I almost broke your tooth."

"You didn't though, just my cheek that was hurt. You throw a good punch, but it wasnt that strong. "

Now Fang is forgiven but Tan is curious about why this boy looked like he had seen a ghost when he saw Tan. Why he punched him in the first place. Why the likeable Tan was found this annoying by this boy. Why was this boy's first impulse to punch Tan and why was he so good at it and yet surprised that it led Tan to bleed. Why did he care to bring him a peace offering. Why. Why. Why.

Curiousity kills the cat but the satisfaction brought him back. That's because then they start seeing each other around at football matches ever since, making jokes about their first meet to liking each other as friends. Eventually, "dont punch me but i think i like you. As more than just friends."

"I like you too but i still want to punch you for incorporating that into your proposal."

"Fine I'll take the punch now but you cant do it when i ask you to marry me."

He did, though. He took the punch, years later, to his lips with Fang's.

Fuck PhumPeem (affectionately) alternate first meetings, I need someone to explain to me their ideas for TanFang alternative first meetings. What happens in a universe where Fang doesn't punch Tan? What happens in a universe where Tan doesn't punch back? What happens in a universe where Tan isn't there that day?