#even if it is or isnt soemthing to be mad about

[izmaddieyt]

hey so

First of all, if I’m on anon, it’s for a reason, mainly my own protection.

Because not only is flowey just uncomfortable to me but has hurt my friends in the past, has been ableist and threatening. I would appreciate if you took down the posts with me mentioned in it and you block me as well and we can move on from this.

Your response to my question came off as hostile and scares me a little

I get that, its just the ammount of those who do abuse anon is worrying enough, i didnt mean for it to seem that hostile or hostile at all, but moreso a question as i was slightly confused and confused on who it whould be, i have and had no intention on it being agressive or to be agressive, im not the best at answering those kinds of asks as they are concearning to say the least. I dont mind takeing the posts down at all if thats what you wish, but i am happy you got the confirmation i wanted you to have!

I get the uncomfortableness, and to answer the previous question, i really am unsure if the friend thing, never truely messaged them about it or anything and either have they, and mostly @ them due to being a mutual i find it fun or easy to get along with, ive interacted with them before any of the drama around such things had started and i just didnt want any of it on my blog.

Im not one and never will be, i do find it weird and such but im just not one for drama and misunderstandings so ive never said anything about it just to not be put into the drama it holds and held, as i personaly dislike the dangerousness of the drama and those who took things quite far as to go doxxing others and sending them death threats to even there direct homes and as far as going TO there homes, and much more that i rather stay away from, since those who were doing that sort of thing were either being supported for it or asked to stop, i assume you had seen those posts about it at the time the drama started with the whole thing and it is scary for many, so theres much concearn when getting asks that are potentialy related to it and not knowing who its from can also hide those who dont have good intentions.

I hadnt ment to scare at all, that i do apologize for haveing it seem. I was not known of them being threatening to anybody, but its nice to get confirmstion sorted.

[ryuseitai]

animal jam is so fun especially w someone else.. and so so nostalgic. staying up late playing animal jam w kenny. ghis was my life every night in the summers of elementary school. Well with no kenny I didn't know him. but u know. aahhhwowouyyyeooo.. and now I have to wake up for work in 4 hours but that's okay ❤️

[stxrslut]

cw : based on this, severe hunger, reader taking care of jj, mentions of struggles with money, kook!reader. this blurb obviously contains sensitive topics, I stress that this is in no way to make fun of or undermine these struggles, I know first hand how bad it can get. this is simply something I imagined, and wish to share.

“jj you’re shakin’,” you note, looking up from your positon against his chest, “whats wrong?” you ask.

he looks down, eyes half lidded, “huh? didn’t catch that baby.” he murmurs, words almost slurred together. you furrow your eyebrows. soemthing is wrong.

“I said you’re shakin’,” you repeat, “you don’t look too good either.” you frown, sitting up now and reaching to feel his forehead. “when was the last time you ate?”you inquire, not quite expecting the answer.

he shrugs, “couple days ago.. dunno, maybe last week.” he murmurs, trying to lay back down. you can’t help but let out a little gasp.

“jj.. it’s thursday.”you stress, face all twisted in concern for your boyfriend who is clearly starving.

he frowns, “yeah, what about it?” he speaks, tone becoming irritable. though you can’t bring yourself to be mad, you’re just worried.

“if you haven’t eaten since last week that means its been at least four days,” you look down, he doesn’t seem even the slightest bit concerned for himself. “that isnt healthy jayj, why haven’t you eaten?”

“take a wild guess sweetheart,” he sarks, “or even better, take one look in the cupboards. you think i starve myself for fun?” he raises an eyebrow, letting out another irritated sigh when you don’t answer.

“I told you to just ask me if you needed money, you can’t just go without food!” you speak exasperatedly, he always does this, refuses to let you give him anything under the pretenses of not wanting to be a 'charity case'.

“don’t need your pity money, f’you wanna do all that fuss ‘bout what’s healthy n’ what’s not then you can leave, m’tired enough as it is.” he speaks, again in that annoyed spitting tone, but you can’t blame him. he must be uncomfortable.

you huff and stand up, knowing he won’t listen right now. you turn to leave, “ill see you later jj.” you speak before going out the door.

he might have thought ‘later’ meant in a few days, but no, you’re going back today. you just have some stuff you need to do first.

you know jj has the means to cook food, and you know he has the means to store it too. he just doesn’t have the actual food. your plan is to go and cook up batches of as much you can, stock up his freezer enough to last him if he needs to go without food again. maybe he won’t take your money, but you’re not going to let him refuse this.

once you’re home you spend hours cooking. you make easy comfort meals like soups and stews. you prepare pasta sauces and some pastry pies. a couple of sweet treats as well. once you’re done theres enough food to last him at least a month by itself.

you pack everything into containers, all ready to store in the freezer. you put a few portions of rice and sauce aside, knowing he’ll need to eat plenty tonight, and that it might take him a few tries to be able to keep it down.

you show up to his house late. when he opens the door to see you he huffs out of irritation, already guessing what it is, “told you not to go buyin’ me stuff.”

you frown, letting yourself in, “didn’t buy it, I made it.” you smile, placing the bags of food up on the counter. but he doesn’t speak. “c'mon jj,” you sigh, “you know I don’t think you’re a charity case, I just want you to be healthy.”

he sighs, “i know you do... just feels like too much y’know, like i dont deserve all this.” he looks down as he gestures towards the food, speaking quietly, self conciously.

“jj,” you frown, “this isn’t special treatment baby, this is basic human needs. of course you deserve food, everyone deserves food.” you come up to him to give him a hug. “don’t ever wanna hear you sayin’ you dont deserve this.”

jj chuckles shakily, finally returning your caring touch, “what would I ever do without you huh?”

[buff-borf-bork]

love when my mother gets mad at me for reacting to a situation the way she raised me to :))))

[gayspock]

ok enterprise eppy 1 liveblog

awwhrhh awwww. awhehhghhgh. aweehhghghgh. aowow. sorry. yeah ehrm well im scared of archer fyi but this little intro with a crumb of archer is really rather darling ... i love a little gent who makes model ships. you cant get much better than that. shame he becomes scott bakula but what can you do

Omg...t he like quality of this is also really disconcerting . hewwo. its like theres different freaking camera angles for reals. madness.

th

NOOOOO NOT A SILLY PUTTY BEASTS... HANG ON DIDNT I MAKE A POST AND PEOPLE WARNED ME ABOUT THEM. OH GOODNESS ME

bro why did you shoot my friend. my friend the klin- FTHE UFKCING INTRO I ALREADY KNOW THIS...

IM GOING TO VOM MAYBE.

CAUSE IVE GOT FAITH. OF THE HEART. IM GOING WHERE MY HEART WILL TAKE ME. IVE GOT F

also i dont want to be unfair to enterprise but i am going in with reservations bc i know, like, some vague ongoings with it that make me raise an eyebrow and i am sorta going in this antiicpating taking the piss a BIT more than with others, and i will say love the intro i dont care i love the song the lyrics so funny BUT the visuals are also making me freaking piss myself im so sory.... this is so early 2000s american core...

i cant tell the men apart yet.. thats one of the white blokes.

mister archer isnt AS scary with this little supernatural getup. sorry to call it a supernatural getup. sorry. early 2000s white man core. aesthetic. whatever. sorryyyyyy. stupid brown coat and jeans that are melting on the body.

be quiet archer.

ARCHER..... DO NOT......

LEAVE MY FRIEND THE KLINGON ALONE.... MANS GOT SHOT. GET OUT OF THERE ITS QUITE RUDE...

hes britissh

why did no one put a tw: british cunt on this fucking sh-

WAIT NO SOMEONE TOLD ME MALCY MOO WAS BRITISH BUT STILL FUCKING. THAT ACCENT. SCARY. WHY CANT THEY EVER JUST BE NORMAL BRITISH.

i like travis he's cute isnt he

you are all being so freaking mean to the vulcans. i'll kill you- wait---- HI PORIYHTOOOSSOSO HI PUPPY HI BABYYYYY AWWW MWAH MWAH WHOS A GOOD LITTLE BABY BOO.....

i like phlox hi phlox isnt phlox quite lovely

archer do not look at his feet youfreak.

PHLOX'S SMSIELELELLELEE

HE SAID: :>

HE SAID THAT

HE SAID ^v^ he said THAT

can everyone just be fucking nice to t'pol ive notfelt the stress since tos i forgot you guys are so rude all of the time to my friends the vulcans, my best friends the vulcans....

the girls are fighting.... sad face... why msutwomen fight. women should love women. soapy. smile.

again with malcy moos voice. JEUSUS- FUCKING HANG ON NEVERMIND THE PUTTY PALS ARE FUCKING SQUIRMING ALL OVER,

THEYRE FUCKING WRIGGLING LIKE BEASTS

anywaybefore i was rudely interrupted by interprative dance type creatures i was going to reitera- JESUS ITS LIKE A SPIDER IT KEEPS GOING SORYR- i was about to reiterate that malcolms accent specifically like i thought the actor was british but also theres soemthing so exaggerated .... i cannot cope

can you show some fucking enthusiasm for phlox. hes so phreaking polite. and you are not showing the enthusiasm he is due.

i like trips accent though isnt it fun. i dont know the difference between american accents but it has that quality to it. like an elastic band .. bwang. ^_^

again with the effects. so scary. will it always be this scary . i need to be held gently. like how tos held me gently.

but also its so nice to be visiting actual places... god. it feels like so long like- OH MY GOD LTIERALLY BUTTERFLIES SO GOOD OMGGG even if . well this is rather ... cheeky - but yes well sigh. i always got a little frustrated with how limited tng was. but smile i hope we get so many little adventures toplaces like this ... like how tos was. smile..........

t'pol is literally saving grace here..... goodness fucking gracious.

hoshi is s o pretty btw smile

DOES ARCHER HAVE EARRINGS ? DID I MISSEE?

okay thTSTHe halfway point im going to break now nods (walks away)

[jadegiantess]

"sound of da police" doesn't need a remix it's already a banger

And your remix taking out all the discussion of police oppression of black people, the force's roots in slavery, and misconduct of officers automatically disqualifies it from slapping

[kaito-is-baby]

THH boys with a non-binary S/O who has come out to their parents and was rejected by them

This was requested by a beautiful anon for some comfort so here I have it! I have a big writer block so I have my three fav boys here for you and I will try to write the rest on a second part some day

2 part

Makoto Naegi

•You know, Makoto is a very common guy, he doesn't really understand how it is to have been rejected by your own parents

•He thinks about it and... they really need to be heartless to reject you for that, he wouldn't reject a friend for almost anything and even less for soemthing that isn't wrong

•He is not a boy who hates easily but the most near emotions to hate he has ever experienced are (the whole trial against junko) and this exact moment, against your parents

•What he surely understands us how you feel

•And he needs you to understand that you are completely valid

•He is not something especial and usually keeps thinking to himself that you could get someone better

•You were extremely unique, and you know how much Makoto craves that

•He loved how you embraced your real identity and show it to the world

•He was proud of you and tought you were the strongest person he had ever know

•And he knew you were failing now, you were trying to hide from everyone and come back to the closet, to the wrong pronouns hurting you everyday and to your dysphoria being intensified by it

•He wasn't going to let you do that

•"Baby, you're amazing, I don't care if they don't accept who you are, I do, our class do, just... I know they are your parents but you are much more loved than they might be making you feel now. I love you and I will never ever throw you aside" he said, doubting, as always, holding your hand timidly and wrapping his arms around you

•You had to admit that in his warmth you felt much better

Leon Kuwata

•I love this boy, I really do but he is not as sensitive as Makoto, yet he loves you with all he has and wants to make you happy

•And to be happy you have to accept yourself

•And the people around have to accept it as well

•And if they don't screw them

•That's exactly what he tells you

•"Babe, I don't care they are your parents they are two stupid shitheads and that's all. I-" He tried to calm his extremely anger issues for you "You deserve much better than that"

•You knew he was right but... they were your parents you couldn't just... stop loving them even if a part of you hated them for not accepting you... you didn't want to lose them, you wanted then to accept you

•"I... I know it must be hard..." he started to doubt of his words, screeching the back of his neck and looking to his side

•"But I promise I will be with you, at your side, all the time" he hurried up to you and cupped your face in his hands "we will make them understand you and accept you and if they don't then just... come to me, I will be with you all the time, my parents are cool, sure they may even let you stay and call you by your actual pronouns" you laughed at how he remarked those words with pure hate towards your parents in them

• "And if they don't accept you just.. screw them! You're perfect and I love you I don't want you to be scared or ashamed of your identity, so if they ver make you feel bad again come to me" he pampered your face with kisses "and I will make sure you remember how proud I am of you showing yourself"

Mondo Oowada

•ASSHOLES

•It's the first thing your boyfriend yells when he sees you crying

•"What shit did they say to you?" He says, full rage mode

•You explain to him the whole situation and his first reaction is to fight

•"I will make them understand with a good-"

•"Babe, no, please, I just... want my parents to love me back... Am I that disgusting?"

•His eyes open in fear and anger, an expression of wanting to protect you from the whole world, and this self hate feelings included

•"I... You are absolutely amazing" You know he isnt good with words, he always ends up screaming and cursing "and fuck those who find you disgusting you aren't, you are sweet and nice and always try to help everyone. Damn "he curses to himself "you make me smile every single day just reminding that you exist so never ever dare say you are disgusting again"

•He was almost mad when he kissed you

•You had expect a sweet loving kiss after those words

•But not it was an angry and passionate one

•When he finally pulled you out he looked at you with admiring eyes

•"Now let's go somewhere, we can give a ride alone or call some of your friends who actually respect you" He hugged your wrist with his arm and grabbed you to his motorbike "come on"

[mehlll]

MORE LATINO/HISPANIC BAKUGOU HEAD CANONS

just wanted to put some more latino/hispanic bakugou out for the world <333 also this is hella self indulgent so like oOp aNYWAYS have fun reading bBy

he thinks it’s v cute when you refer to his parents as “tus suegros”

lives for that shit

absolutely loves it when you will randomly switch languages and go off

he thinks it’s hot as hell

unless it’s directed towards him

if you’re getting angry at the man and you switch to spanish

he knows that he’s in deep shit

and as much as katsuki isnt one to back down, he chooses life

has his “respectable” personality that he uses in front of your parents

you tease him a lot during that so it’s v hard for him to keep his composure and not blast your ass into outer space

but he knows if y’all aren’t on that best behavior type shit, your tias will talk mad smack

and as much as the both of you would love to say soemthing back, you know your parents would beat your asses before you got a word in

speaking of parents, his parents always ask about you

making sure you’re good and “que mi hijo te este tratando bien porque si no yo le pongo en línea rapidito, okay y/n?” ( that my son is treating you good because if not i’ll put him in line )

his mom calls you all the time to see what you’re up to and to chismear ( gossip )

sometimes he’ll go over to your place just to find you talking on the phone with his mom

cue blasty boy taking your phone to tell his mom your busy with your BOYFRIEND and ending the phone call

aLso him immediately calling his mom back and apologizing bc he knows that she could get her ass to your place and end his life but if you ever tell anyone that you’re gone too

call him “el amor de mi vida” and he’ll have hella heart eyes, you’ll even see a cute little blush appear in his face

~~~

hoped y’all liked this headcanon ! i love making bakugou feel a little closer to me this way and like aH it fits him tbh so oOp

[tylerwritez]

Hey guys its uhhh Saturday July 3rd 2021 9:53 a.m.

I literally got 1-2 hours of sleep •_• because I was up into the earliest hours of the morning talking to Jay and Ariel.

... Its homophobic that Jay was away /j :P and not in my room that night because... how do I say this without saying too much... he turns me on, simple. He's in LEDUC. DUDE. COME BACK I WANT TO FUCK YOU /HJ

I told him this before you guys, but my brain does this thing where it randomly sends me back to some memory and I have to live through the feelings yknow? And I twitch a bit. Well my brain has been sending me back to almost entirely memories of him now. And it's. Not even funny. My crush on him grows...

Oh well, I'm patient.

The forums last night were as usual, unhelpful. My dad looks at me as if I'm a tragedy, as if my skin is a crime scene, and we have a total of *drumroll* TWO COMMENTS! One of them was okay in helpfulness. They mostly just wanted to write about their tattoo cover up of their scars but. They were right about how you are the only person who gets to decide what you think about your scars.

If he thinks of me like that... doesnt mean I HAVE to think of my own self that same way.

So true.

Next person said maybe he doesnt think I'm damaged, maybe hes just gawking at the damage done to me?? And how he couldnt stop it?

And like isnt that the same thing honestly.

Oh hey, yeah I gotta tell you about TODAY. not yesterday or last night.

Well uhm I just woke up on my BEDFRAMELESS BED Cos they packed it and left me with the MATRESS xD (I wonder if this is their way of cockblocking me /j)

I got ready and uh I was told like, GET THE FUCK UP DUDE WE R GOING TO THE LAKE RIGHT FUCKING NOWWW

So I'm rushing 2 get ready... well not really rushing. I don't rush. I was getting ready. I go to brush my hair and theres NO BRUSH. ITS BEEN PACKED???? WHAT???

I did my best with what I had on hand and then we left

I'm in the car with my friend and annoying ass sister right now and I got music on

We got Tim Hortons (muffin + ice capp) for breakfast (already over my cal limit... •_• as if that's getting followed nowadays)

lol I dont usually eat breakfast tho so I'll try to skip lunch or have a light lunch, so it doesn't mess me up.

Right now as we are driving to the lake... it's mostly canola fields. Theres lots of canola grown where I'm from lol, just drive a little bit out and you'll see the fields and fields of bright yellow like millions of little highlighters sticking up from the grass. I cant make them out individually though... still waiting on those contact lenses.

Again, I'm patient.

I don't think we're super far out... I mean theres still lots of cars, signs, farms, roadside ads, trees, uh, shrubs, and if we WERE further out the land would be more bare... #grassland #praries #Alberta

Also the sun just makes everyhting look more alive.

Oh NOO IM DESCRIBING THE SCENERY... boring!

Idk. There isn't much to discuss, I'm just listening to music because I'm content with just that. If I come up with anything funny/Insightful(?) I'm gonna make a twitter draft.

10:17 a.m, signing off temporarily,

Judas/Jude Shepard.

4:25 p.m.

We got to the lake, talked, got ice cream, talked, went in the #water... lake stuff.

My friend was gushing over this guy and like...  DILF. IF YOU SAW HIM... xD of course I'm just looking though. He just had big pecs which is attractive to me, and the overall build with these broad shoulders XD.

Tbh? I know me and Jay are TECHNICALLY not dating, but I feel like I'm dedicated to him. That's probably because of my crush on him but oh well.

I just keep thinking horny thoughts it's a plague within my brainnnnn and I know its his fault

I did end up asking him but by then he had already logged off so.... he'll respond soon and I gotta be ready. It appears that my mom is signing up for a Christian dating app... we'll see how that goes.

As for Jay's responding, I'll just tell him nevermind.

Anwyays we are headed back, possibly to the bookstore, possibly home.

I KNOW I talk a lot about the same things but that's because I'm infatuated with them.

I'm infatuated with... him.

I think of him in my mind and bam instant horny

I'll try to think of soemthing else,,, this is. Uh. Inconvenient right now.

I'll keep updating you though lol.

Hope I'm not annoying talking about Jay all the time.

I AM doing other stuff, I have a life. I just... I guess I unintentionally highlight certain parts a lot.

11:55 p.m.

IM EXHAUSTED GODDAMNIT MY DAD WAS MAD AT me...

... I wanted to ask to go to my friends house tommorowbut my dad is pissed at me for... closing my door??? dude omg hes like “what were you doing for two hours with the door closed” uhm reading? on my phone? jacking off? im a normal person lol. i said reading and on my phone which IS true and he said”sure...” all  sarcastic WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?? YEAH I JACKED OFF???? stfu

hes not even mad at me hes mad cos my mom is goign on a date lolDONT TAKE IT OUT ON ME STFU

I'm dead.

So I didnt ask cos I was scared shitless lmaooo but I have an appointment anwyays so it works out.

I just read a bunch of this comic called outcast. That's it really. Now I'm gonna sleep after I post to twitter a bit...

ALSO I asked Jay finally about uh. Yeah. Scarring. and he said beauty is in the eye of the beholder. He said I was hot but then he said that on the other hand it feels weird when he runs his hands over them, but in general, he loves me.

So he said "I don't care if you have scars or not, you're still you"

I love him honestly hes so supportive.

I admit I'm a bit sad thinking they feel weird but honestly? Yeah. They do. I felt up my leg where the scars are to check and it feels like hard ribs/ridges to the touch of a hand but he still thinks I'm pretty so I'm not gonna let the scars get me down. Cos I'm still me. It's just scars. Doesn't affect anything.

:,)

Also erin found a hagstone!!!

Gn,

Jude Shepard

[abrakophile]

I was looking through a bunch of junk and found some letters from my dad when he was in the army. I’m afraid I'll accidently toss them, so maybe I’ll put them here?

OPs Name JUNE 02 03

I LOVE YOU

THIS IS MY NAME IN KURDISH

*my dad wrote his first and last name, and under it, in Kurdish*

ILL TRY AND FIND OUT HOW TO WRITE YOUR NAME AND MOMS TOO.

ITS STILL HOT. I WORK AND READ BOOKS TO PASS THE TIME AWAY.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? GOOD I HOPE. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN? DO YOU EVER HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS? TELL THEM I SAID “WASSUP?” NAH, DONT TELL THEM. TELL ME WHAT YOUR THINKING. I’M TRYING TO SEND YOU SOME MORE OF MY DRAWINGS. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DRAW YOU? DID YOU LIKE THE DRAWING I SENT YOU OF YOU NAME? ITS ALRIGHT IF YOU DIDNY. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU DO WANT ME TO DRAW YOU.

(Flip Page)

THIS IS WEIRD! (The page does not have lines on the left side of it) i WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS PIECE OF PAPER. HaHa

I MISS YOU ALOT. PLEASE SOND ME SOME MORE OF YOUR DRAWINGS, YOU CAN DRAW ME ANYTHING YOU WANT TO.

ARE YOU BEING GOOD FOR YOUR MOM? ITS NICE IF YOU HELP HER OUT WHILE I’M AWAY.

HAVE YOU BEEN ANYPLACE NEW? HOW IS SCHOOL GOING FOR YOU? IS MOMMY GOING TO SCHOOL? I KNOW I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL WHEN I GET BACK. HOPEFULLY I GET THE CHANCE TO LEARN EVERYTHING THAT THERE IS TO KNOW. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

ALSO, ID LIKE TO DO SOME FISHING? HOW ABOUT YOU? I GUESS ILL END HERE. BE GOOD AND STAY IN SCHOOL. AND JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

THEYRE BAD.

I LIVE YOU OP

*hearts and x’s* DADDY

---

(I don’t know if all these pages are in order or if it’s missing any, but this was the letter in the same stack as the last but this one was for my mom. In some places his indents indicate passage of time.)

I HAVENT HAD ANY TIME TO WRITE SINCE WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD, NOT TO MENTION THAT WE CAN’T SEND MAIL WHEN WE’RE MOVING ALL THE TIME.

WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR ABOUT FIVE OR SIX DAYS, I HAVENT REALLY BEEN COUNTING. I KNOW I TOLD YOU THAT WE’D BE IN KUWAIT FOR A WHILE, BUT THAT WAS SO YOU WOULDNT BE WORRIED. I’M GOING TO KEEP THIS LETTER THOUGH, TILL I GET HOME.

ABOUT TWO NIGHTS AGO, WE DROVE THROUGH BAGDHAD, SOMEBODY SAID THAT THERE WERE PILED BODIES, I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS TRUE.

AND I GUESS YESTERDAY, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE SAID THEY SAW A MISSILE OR SOEMTHING SHOT AT US. I WAS TRYING TO FIX A TRUCK SO I DIDNT SEE IT.

ITS NOT AS DUSTY HERE IN IRAQ. IT REMINDS ME OF THE CONVOYS IN KOREA.

MOST OF THE PEOPLE WILL WAVE “HI”. SOME OTHERS DONT.

I SAW A KID OPEN HIS HAND ONCE WHILE MOVING, AND IT SAID “BUSH” THAT WAS KIND OF COOL.

OH YEAH. HERES A STORY. WHILE OUT DOING A MISSION, ONE OF OUR “BRADLEY” TANKS FIRED ON AN ENEMY AMMO TRUCK AND CLIPPED A KID. THE ROUNDS BLEW ONE OF HIS LEGS OFF AND SOME OF THE OTHER, FROM THE KNEE DOWN. SO THE MEDICS PICKED HIM UP AND BROUGHT HIM TO OUR RECONCOLIDATING POINT FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT. I GUESS HE EVENTUALLY DIED FROM LOSS OF BLOOD THE NEXT NIGHT AND YESTERDAY THEY TOOK HIM OUT AND BURIED HIM.

ALSO WE PICKED UP ABOUT 25-30 P.O.W.s AND SENT THEM SOUTH.

IT GETS PRETTY COLD AT NIGHT. AND THE DAY’S ARE VERY HOT.

SINCE WE LEFT KUWAIT ITS BEEN ME AND MENDOZA IN THE FIVE TON WRECKER AND I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT ITS BEEN EXCITING. WE KEPT GETTING SEPERATED FROM THE CONVOY AND BREAKING DOWN. BUT I THINK THAT WERE BETTER NOW. HOPEFULLY.

IM STILL WAITING TO BE AMBUSHED TO MAKE ALL THIS SEEM REAL TO ME. A PART OF ME WANTS IT AND ANOTHER DOESNT.

AND IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY OUR UNIT HAS TO STAY IN UNIFORM, EVERYONE ELSE WEARS T-SHIRTS AND BANDENA’S AND RAGS ON THEIR HEAD

WERE STILL GOING NORTH. NOBODY KNOWS HOW LONG WE’LL STAY. ITS NOT THAT BAD HERE. MEANING, IT COULD BE WORSE. 

I USED A “SHIT-CHAIR”. ITS JUST A METAL CHAIR WITH A HOLE CUT IN THE MIDDLE AND THE SEAT FROM A TOILET BOLTED TO IT, GROSS.

HELICOPTERS CAN BE HEARD ALL DAY AND NIGHT. I GOT TO SEE THEM DROP BOMBS ALL DAY ABOUT 3 DAYS AGO, FROM A DISTANCE OF COURSE.

ILL BE DRIVING AGAIN, IN A MINUTE. PROBABLY RE-FUEL AND BACK ON THE ROAD AGAIN. IM ENJOYING IT.

I HAVE 8 MAGAZINES FULL OF ROUNDS. NO GRENADES, BUT I LIKE IT LIKE THAT.

SOMETIMES IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT.

I GUESS ILL END IT HERE FOR NOW

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU TWO TWICE IF NOT THRICE AS MUCH AS YOU MIGHT MISS ME TOO.

HELLO AGAIN. WERE SOMEWHERE NEAR TIKRI + MOSUL. YESTERDAY, ME + MENDOZA WENT LOOKING FOR MOMENTO’S. WE BROKE A LOCK TO A NEAR BY BUNKER AND FOUND 6 A.K.47s! BUT ON OUR WAY BACK TO TURN THEM IN, MAJOR TATU GOT THEM FROM US. I WAS SO PISSED. BUT I GOT A GAS MASK w/ FILTER, A FULL MAGAZINE CLIP FROM ONE OF THE A.K.s AND A BERET WITH IRAQ 1 RANK ON IT.

I MADE A STENCIL FOR THE TRUCK WERE RIDING IN. ITS CALLED THE “GAMBLER.” YESTERDAY MENDOZA DROVE, SO TODAY ILL BE DRIVING.

IM NOT POSITIVE, BUT, I THINK WERE GOING TO TURKEY. NIETO SAYS THAT HE OVERHEARD SOMEBODY FROM S1 (or SI, I’m not sure) SAYING WE MIGHT GET PAID EXTRA FOR GOING THROUGH BAGHDAD.

I THINK NIETO’S MAD AT ME. CANT EXPLAIN WHY. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE IM RIDING WITH MENDOZA AND HE DOESNT LIKE MENDOZA TOO MUCH. OH WELL, WHATEVER REASON, HOPE THINGS GET NORMAL AGAIN. HAVE TO GO,

*hearts and xs*

TODAY IS THE 25th OF APRIL, I RECEIVED FIVE OR SIX (OR SEVEN) LETTERS YESTERDAY. THE LATEST WAS DATED 07 OF APRIL. THAT TELLS ME THAT ITS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO COMMUNICATE.

WE HAVENT RECEIVED MAIL BECAUSE WEVE BEEN MOVING NEVER STAYING IN ONE PLACE MORE THAN A DAY, OR TWO, UNTIL NOW. WE’VE BEEN IN THIS SPOT GOING ON FOUR DAYS TOMORROW?!

GIVE ME A MINUTE...

FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS IVE BEEN HELPING MENDOZA PULL THE ENGINE OUT OF A 5 TON TRUCK AND SWITCH IT w/ ANOTHER ONE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASY BUT THE FLY WHEEL SEIZED UP INSIDE THE BELL HOUSING. ITS FINISHED NOW AND THE RUMOR IS WE’RE LEAVING  (OR MOVING) AGAIN TOMORROW.

ITS 10:33 THURSDAY MORNING. YOUR TIME IS 12:32 JUST TURNING THURSDAY.

I ALMOST CRYED WHEN I SAW ELIS PICTURE. I REALLY MISS BOTH OF YOU. LET ME BACK TO BEFORE I GOT DISTRACTED. I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SEND MAIL BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN MOVING. BUT I GUESS THAT WHATEVER THREAT THERE WAS (IF ANY), ISNT SO THREATFUL ANYMORE, WE CAN START RECEIVING AND SENDING MAIL. NO PHONE TO CALL FROM, AND NO INTERNET TO E-MAIL FROM.

THE WHOLE UNIT IS SCATTERED, SO EVEN IF I GET WHAT YOU NEED IT’LL TAKE FOREVER TO GET IT TO YOU. LET ME PULL THOSE LETTERS BACK OUT. OH WAIT. I DID LAUNDRY AND SOME UNDERWEAR THATS DRY, FELT HARD, OH WELL, WAIT A SECOND, K

I HAD TO FOLD SOME T-SHIRTS. ALL MY SOCKS ARE STILL DAMP. 

YOU CAN USE MY CONTRACT TO SHOW THAT I ENLISTED IN TEXAS AND HOWS THIS

*On a separate sheet my dad wrote a detailed note for my mom to give to someone to confirm that he did want to buy a house. He writes “I AM ALIVE AND WELL.” and “PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PAPER”, then he signed it with his scribble signature, and underneath it wrote his name in print and added “1st SQUADRON 10th CAVALRY HEADQUARTERS TROOP (I have no clue what this means)*

HOW’S THAT? HOPE I SPELLED EVERYTHING CORRECTLY. IM ALMOST READY WITH A DESIGN TO COVER THE OTHER TATTOOS ON MY LEFT FOREARM.

I JUST FINISHED LOOKING OVER ALL THOSE LETTERS YOU SENT FOR ME

IM BACK! I GOT SLEEPY SO I TRYED TO LAY DOWN FOR A LITTLE BIT. NO SLEEP. I DONT THINK. I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH WATER TO WASH MY DCV’S AND A PAIR OF BDV’S. BESIDES FOR DRINKING WATER, BUT WE HAVE TO CONSERVE IT.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE RUMORS. TOMORROW WE’LL BE LEAVING FOR THE IRAN/IRAQ BORDER TO DO “PEACE KEEPING” FOR 3 TO 6 mths. OTHERS SAY THAT THE 4ID (i think is what this says) GENERAL WANTS TO KEEP US HERE TILL NOV., THATS WHEN 1 CAV WILL COME TO REPLACE US. WHILE OTHERS SAY WE MIGHT LEAVE BY JUNE. NOTHINGS FOR SURE.

SMALLER RUMORS FLOATING AROUND THE SITE ARE; RAMSEY AND SFC BACON ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER. SGT SIREK HAS PLANS TO TAKE NIETO AS HIS APPRENTICE AND PADIWAN LEARNER OF THE DARK SIDE. LITTLE BLACK ARNOLD IS MILITARY INTELLIGENCE FOR SPECIAL FORCES OPERATING UNDER COVER A SURVEILLENCE AS PART OF

*the rest of the page is blank*

IM BACK. TODAY IS THE 27th. I GOT BACK TO THE LITTLE CAMP AREA ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO. I LEFT YESTERDAY MORNING TO, WELL, AS PART OF DE-CON (DE-CONTAMINATION) MISSION. HERES THE INFORMATION THAT I GATHERED.

A SITE HAD BEEN FOUND THAT WAS THOUGHT TO HAVE CHEMICAL WEAPONS AND 1-10 WAS APPOINTED TO GO TO THE SITE AND DE-CON THE CIVILIANS THAT WERE GOING TO OPEN THEM. AS IT TURNS OUT THE CIVILIANS HAVE BEEN DE-LAYED AND WOULD BE SET BACK 1 DAY.

THE NBC TEAM THAT I WAS WITH WERENT PREPARED TO STAY OVER NIGHT AND AS FORCASTED BY SSG MINOR WE MIGHT HAVE HAD TO STAY 3 TO 4 DAYS. EVERYBODY WAS PISSED.

LATELY ITS BEEN GETTING REALLY COLD AT NIGHT AND WE JUST HAPPENED TO BE NEAR A RUNNING RIVER. SO THE, ITS ABOUT 9 O’CLOCK AND IM BEAT, NO SLEEPING BAG OR ANYTHING TO COVER UP WITH AND I DECIDE TO TRY AND SLEEP. I GET AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE AND I GET ATTACKED BY MOSQUITOS. NOW IM PISSED SO I DECIDED TO JUST TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT. ABOUT 10PM ONE OF THE HEMTT (this might just say “hemi”, I don’t know) FUELERS SHOWS UP AND SGT TORRES SAYS HE HAS EVERYBODYS SLEEPING BAG! THE SITES ABOUT 45 MINS AWAY AND THEY LEFT SOMETIME MID AFTERNOON TO GET OUR SHIT, I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

RIGHT NOW ITS 9:01 PM AND ITS 11:02 AM YOUR TIME. I MISS YOU.

RIGHT NOW IM GOING TO ADDRESS AN ENVELOPE AND HAVE IT READY TO SEND TOMMOROW THE 28th. IM SORRY IF IT SEEMS THAT IM NOT WRITING VERY OFTEN. FOR A WHILE WE COULDN’T. AND NOW THAT IT SEEMS WE MIGHT BE HERE A LITTLE WHILE, THEYVE KEPT ME REALLY BUSY. LET ME ADDRESS THE ENVELOPES (he drew a star here)

ALL DONE. I THOUGHT ABOUT THE HOUSE A LOT TODAY AND YESTERDAY. IM SURE BY THE TIME THIS LETTER REACHES YOU, YOU’LL HAVE EITHER GOTTEN IT OR GAVE IT UP. IM O.K. WITH EITHER DECISION YOUVE MADE.

YOUVE KEPT THIS FAMILY TOGETHER, AND THAT MAKES ME PROUD. YOUR SMART, ATTRACTIVE AND FUNNY. AND YOU DONT TAKE ANY SHIT FROM ANYBODY. I LOVE YOU.

I HOPE THAT OUR DAUGHTER TURNS OUT TO BE LIKE YOU.

I GUESS ILL MAIL THIS TOMORROW, FIRST THING, SO

EVER YOURS

EVER MINE

*my dad signed it with his scribble, and wrote his name under it. under that are hearts and x’s with my mom’s name and then my name under hers.*

[naturenaruto]

o.O so something ive just recently found to be Actually Helpful is that intstead of ranting and raving™️ (which isnt a bad thing or a thing to be ashamed/guilty of but) but like instead of doing it at a specific person or group (like instead of an individual person like a politician or a group like an entire political party) instead of going at the individual Thing,,,,going off about an idea or concept itself is way more helpful and constructive imo and i end up feeling way better in the long run ,,,,,

ie instead of spending massive amounts of time and energy directing hate to a specific person,,,,instead i think abiut like what /thing/ that person did and think/talk about that instead. ita rly helpful bc it seperates that one person from whst im mad about so that i feel like if anyone else ever does the same thing id ont have to rehash it over and over in a perpetual cycle of unending rage like its helped my internal rage alot i think?? bc now i can be like well that thing they did....is Wrong and i KNOW its Wrong and rather than just being like 'o i hate this person etc~' i can be like i hate this thing that they did, and at the same time acknowledge the person did that thing and that i know that thing is wrong and its been helping for me bc rather than feeling weird about it later like ~ohh maybe i was too mean/bad/hateful to them and now iiiiiiiim the one feeling like i did soemthing wrong ,,,,,,now i can be like this thing here....its a badwrong thing and this person did this thing and therfore this person did something badwrong. and i know they did. and they know that i know that what they did is wrong and im saying it. and theres a point to saying it and to knowing, bc alot of bad ppl dont want you to even be aware that what theyre doing is wrong or they wanna act like your reaction was just as bad or worse etc, making you feel guilty/gaslighting all The Usual, but as long as you can be like this thing here, its wrong, and this person, did the wrong thing, so thats why im mad.

its just helpful to point of the...,,,,point of your rage and to seperate it from who youre mad at so that it doesnt seem like youve just got this personal vendetta against someone and thats why ur mad its like no ur mad bc they did this thing, and so thats why.

maybe veryvery helpful for anyone who often feels worse/guilty after getting mad when ppl do bad things to them, put the emphasis on the action and then point out that they did that action, rather than making personal attacks on the indivudal themselves which might end up making you seem like the asshole or taking a cheap shot and could end up distracting from what they did.

put all the focus on the bad thing they did, be clear, concise, avoid verbal attacks on anything not related to the wrong thing they did

keep the focus on their action and not on your reaction

[peachessence]

hmph every now and then i find it funny how men think it’s okay to ghost you and then try to make contact with u again as if they’re that special that you’ll make time for them as if you don’t have anyone else or anything else in your life . as if it’s not possible that you’ve realized how worthless they are of your time and company fnfnfjsnsks like when i think about it more i realized it’s rlly egotistical tbh like they expect you’re just gonna be ready at any moment to accept them back into your life bc they think they’re that special ... even tho they took advantage of you and never explained why they left u hanging multiple times :/ stupid stupid

[nicocola]

Waddup im dirk. Im 19. And my teacher hates me

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

slike part of me doesnt care if he fucking kicks the shit out of me for it part of me doe snt give a fucking fuck any more because what di fference does it make i fucking gave up months ago but m still s cscared of hm i still care too mch about what they think nbecause  i knwo its the turht. theyre ufkcing right!!!! like its not me being ha rsh on my self i reall y am a fucking. waste of eveyrones god dan time an di know i am because i fail everything. if uck it all u . and the second p eople get the chance to le ave they do ebcause they cant be dealing with it and ykno w frnakly neither can i . like i know why m alone and i know why m sad and its all My fault klike for real for genuinely real because its always em whos never enough whos enver fucking been enough and can i get MAD? can i r eally, rightfully be ups et and mad at them for fucking hating my g uts when theyre well within their riht?? like its nebver like hs totally out of line is it i  cant exlacty say that im innocent and i did fuck all wrong im the one who fucks it up time and itme aga in and i would lose patience with my self too fucking he ll i have and i dont know . i dont know what els eto do ecause  fuck man. fcfk.  i ke ep trying its never enough its nEVER fucking en ough ebcause i cant do it right i c an neer fucking do it right even if i hrt myelf aover it and i dotn know id ont know its been a fudll ass year almost since i fucking trie d it and i wantto again because i dont fcking. i jsut want to di appear and walk into traffic or do soemthing about it i dotn kow i dont know i dont know how o uckigng. g ggod. a

and you know when youre like SAAT there trying to FUCKING remember when it wasnt like that wh en you didnt fcking just fe el the exhaustion and “im done!” in your bo nes beecause i ca nt !! man i cant i alwyas just feel the. ohh just RUN away becaus ei cant fuckign fix it i cant fucking fi x anyhting i jsut. WHY . man. WHY do i fucking. useless worthless fucking eice of shit and i deserve it i DO desvere it and ts stupid its fucking stuipid that i fucking cry over and oever again buecause that isnt h. i dont know im sot ired and i cant hink straight i jsut. i dont care!!!!!!1 i dont FUCKING care 

[grimmthought-blog]

MAD

fuck what did i do, i honestly hope you never get to read this cos im gonna talk a lotta shit about myself and maybe even a little about u. i cant believe i actually got to this i feel so bad to be honest. idk why i called this mad but im mad like literally crazy and im mad at myself for doing this to u. i cant believe i was too blinded by the whole thing and thats the only thing i focused on. this may sound fucked up but i do hope u break up with me if i spiral like that again. u dont fucking deserve that shit baby u can do so much better than me,,, once again idk why u even w me,,,,,,,im not a 10 so i have to be perfect personality wise to make up for it. BUT IM NOT MAKING UP FOR IT LMFAO!!!! i want u to break up w me,, yes i said it..,,..,..,wa=wefsdhvhudsv=- cos im so shit for u,,, i feel like im holding u back and u dont wanna do certain things cos of me and thats so TOXIC i hate it i hate myself so mucj. its gonna be so hard to bounce back to being “comfortable” to “how i started w u” I like how i was when we first started but i feel like that was me letting shit slide w girls and i also feel like thats all we ever fight about and yes at least 99% is just me over reacting but u do fuel me up for it and talk about ur exes or some shit. like yes u stopped doing that which feels so great for me u dont even kno. and i kno this is probably so different for u like in any relationship you’ve had and im sorry im so difficult and different,,,.,. not the gay shit like im ur unique relationship, cos lmfao im probably ur worst yet most intense one. and i mean that both ways loving each other so intensely but ALSO fighting so intensely with u. i fucken wanna kill myself everytime we fight because were so alike in some ways,, a lot of ways really, like u said we both have too much pride and stubbornness and its funny to a certain point but i know i get to u and u get to me. ill change for you and i really mean that. ill make myself go thru that to make u happy. ill let shit slide and just think that u love me and ur “cement and not going anywhere”. my thoughts are always so conflicting and im scared im jsut gonna explode and get depressed or some shit cos i feel like im halfway there anyway. but i dont care cos ill do that for u. ive done too much to u to be selfish about myself. imma make myself endure shit like it doesnt phase me but ill do that for u cos ur the only person i like doing shit for. ur literally the only one i can think of who i will voluntarily put first before myself. this isnt said with any sarcasm at all i promise u. but i promise u im learning and im tryinb im so sorry im really fucking bipolar and crazy and im scared the reason we’ll break up would be cos of me and it probably will be if it were to happen. im always thinking about u i swear it and i love u so much to keep hurting u. so i guess id rather hurt myself in a sense, rather than hurt u. i cant believe i got to this and im truly sorry cos i hate myself even more. i love u dude, we made too many plans and promises to let this all go. and im just telling myself this. ill try to be a little more confident but in all honesty i just think i cant be confident cos im not in the right place to be,,,, u think that u being w me made me feel confident about myself??? cos i got a mans now??? idk how i did it but i just got lucky it doesnt mean aything if someone has a boyfriend, it just means they got a boyfriend lmfao u dont have to be pretty to get a mans and u probably dont mean it that way  but u kno just sayin,,,, i honesly just get mostly hurt when u joke about HEAUX  and shit like ok im right here!!!! i dont even joke about htat shit cos i cant! u can! but doesnt mean u should... it hurts baby it really does but like i said,,, im truly willing to hurt myself than to hurt u,,, u must be thinking i need some fuckin hobby or some shit as an outlet but ill think of somethin ill find soemthing and everytime u say shit like that or just bring up a girl my crzy ass will just think of the times u say I love you to me and think of the plans and promises u  told me and thatll be enough i swear it..... i love u with everything i have and im sorry u got offended if u ever got to read this....... ur my fucken heart i cant do life without u and im not gonna let u go so easy..... once again im so fuckiing sorry and if u cant promise to break up with me if i put u through bullshit then i will

i promise that if i hurt u like that again, ill just leave. because thats the best thing for u and u kno it.... if ur scared to leave me then i will because i dont deserve u one bit if i even think about doing that to u.... theres no promises about me spiralling so im saying this now. if i do it again and u dont leave me, ill leave u..........................im sorry but for the time being, i love u greatly and i wish i never became like thisss im sorry im so fucked up bywe

[tylerwritez]

I started this off with a question. ("Why do I crave being lesser? Why do I want to be treated as a child and not as the man that i am?")

But then I realized that literal human love affection and decency isnt being treated as a child. Adult men need love too. And that includes me.

(Okay but. You DO want to be legit treated as a child. Not just love but like. Actual babying.)

What does that mean to you anwyays? Being treated as a child?

(You're picturing it in your head already, degenerate. Wishing it was real. Wishing you could just cry into someones arms. An actual adult. Someone to protect you and care for you... someone whose love you can feel in a good happy way)

And I'm a bad person for wanting... a hug? You're insane. Youre actually fucking crazy dude.

(You HAVE people who love you. You just always want more and more. You never feel like if the void is filled. You still cower and cry when your parents are upset... you still get the urge to self harm when you're yelled at or even if they're angry around you because you just cant handle them mad at you. I'm sorry but you gotta man up.)

Man up? You're joking, right? The impact they had on me as a kid is REAL. I cant believe youd try to downplay it for the sake of your masculinity. The truth is you didnt feel loved at all. Even if you were... you FELT hated, unwanted, and most importantly, you felt UNSAFE. it's no fucking wonder you cant handle them being angry at you years after the fact.... you've been conditioned to be afraid of them. You tense up, you dont speak. I've seen how you react when they seem angry. Even if it has nothing to do with you. And now you're thinking about the test and how if you fail, your dad will likely be mad at you. And you're crying. You havent even TAKEN the test yet. And you're crying, on the edge of full blown panic. You see how that's fucked?

(Arent you depressed or some shit? That's the issue here. Not them. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. This grief inside you is 1. Made up 2. Your fault 3. You being mentally ill and 4. somehting you need to get over)

I DO NEED TO GET OVER IT. And it is. Partially. My fault... but at the end of the day I was just a kid. A kid who needed support and didn't get it. A kid who learned! Who was taught! By his experiences... to isolate himself and to never speak a word of the shit he went through.

This void. In you. Won't ever go away. Its always there. Every time you think of little jude. Every time your parents are mad at you... even if it's for good reaosn. Even if they arent THAT mad. A slight shift in tone of voice and you're about to cry, and you've stopped talking altogether because you dont wanna say soemthing to set them off even more. You are fucking damaged. I'm sorry dude, it's the truth. Nobody notices. It's so easy to slip by undetected. It's so easy to slowly die on the inside. Imagine what I couldve been! Imagine who I couldve been, imagine the man youd see in front of you, if this void didn't exist.

It took everything from me. I am left with nothing but PAIN. It's horrible. I don't know what I can do about it.

When I talk in therapy, all that's ever mentioned of my parents is their Current do-goodery. I dont mean to sound ungrateful, but does that take away from their past wrongdoing? No! Of course not! I was still affected by that and I hate having to act like it never even happened. I wish they knew and I wish they felt bad. I wish they cried just once at least, how I do every night. I wish they held the pain that I hold just one night. They wouldnt make it. Theyd kill themselves.

Maybe then theyd know to be more gentle with me, and kinder. Maybe then they'd understand why my eyes are red every morning and why my clothes smell like smoke and why theres bloody paper towels in the garbage bin.

When does this pain go AWAY? How much fucking prozac have I gotta take? Should I up my dose to 20mg without consulting the doctor?

Theres more to it, but that's the core part that never goes away.

The more to it part seems to have subsided MOSTLY.... but that core. Is always there. Theres never a moment in my life where I'm anything but younger versions of myself, fearful, teary eyed, self destructive, withdrawn, FEARFUL, in such pain... I'm always little Jude. I'm always this little fucking kid who just wants some fucking love but will not receive it for the majority of his life. I'm a little fucking kid who just needs someone to listen to me. I'm a little fucking kid and I don't really hug my parents. It feels fake to me. Im not even 9 yet and I've already accepted the fact that my parents hate me. Maybe it's not a fact, but to me it is. Maybe it's not a fact but I'm still afraid to tell them anything I feel and that's because they never listen. They dont know how to. All they do is get mad and punish.

And now I do that to myself.

My therapist says to remember to be a good friend to myself. That's cos she sees that I'm really mean to myself. Stupid. I always say I'm stupid and I always apologize and say that I'm sorry if this sounds stupid, I dont know... (I dont know is very common. It's like I just dont have opinions on things anymore because I was afraid my parents would get mad at me for them)

I say I'm stupid and she says, who told you that? And I just... its literally my parents. My dad called me tonto TODAY. literally today. Because I took my backpack out of the car when I was getting out to go to the dentist's. A simple mistake right? Well of course he has to be pissy about it. And that sorta thing makes me feel so bad.

And it conflicts me a lot that my parents can act so loving and kind in one moment and then in another yell at me and refuse to give me space and say mean shit about me... it makes it so idk how to feel about them.

Every time I feel like maybe I'm ready to do better and I'm chill with them, they take their anger out on me again.

I literally fucked around with old fucking pedophiles because of the empty space I felt in my heart where my parents love should be. Its VERY real. I forced myself to do such gross shit just to have someone their age tell me they love me. To have someone their age praise me. This is very fucking real. My pain is very fucking real. Nobody has any right to tell me it's not.

I dont know what to feel or think or do. I just feel sad. I think I've been ruined now for the rest of my whole life to jsut be in pain. I feel like nobody can understand. I dont know what to do. I should try to die again if I have the guts.