#even if i went from rock bottom to the bare acceptable minimum or whatever

[cosmicwafflemam]

Feeling stars

Texture-glitch-esque version

[yuckyxgirl]

just all my thoughts loll

i grew up in a small ass town with strict parents that literally monitored everything in my life and gave me no privacy and of course like every other teenager would i thought it was stupid af. that made me start sneaking out of my house and being gone all night, stealing cars to go places, i’ve even snuck people into my house lol. i did a lot of shit wrong because i hated my parents and how they treated me. i just wanted to be a terrible kid because that’s just who i was at that time. my parents of course hated that and put even more bullshit on me with the control games and made me do all these sports and clubs i was never interested in. i felt like they made me do those certain things and be that certain “perfect student/athlete/daugher” for the image they wanted our judgmental little town to have for our family. they have ruined so many damn important memories in my life too. they have kept me from my own family, ruined important school memories with controlling bullshit like keeping my family from seeing me at my high school proms, my high school graduation, my 18th birthday. i never got to make those happy memories with the family that i loved and wanted to be surrounded by. instead i was left to put on my fake smile and act like i was so happy and they were giving me the biggest parties and best college things because they wanted to be able to show everything off that they did for me.  they wouldn’t even let me go to college for cosmetology because that’s how much they didn’t fuck what about what i wanted with my life. i was so sheltered and so brain washed its not even funny. i wasn’t raised right. never learned the right way to do things or anything like that because my parents were shady af. 

i will never forget the humiliating moment i was trying so hard to remember dee’s phone number to call from my roommates phone for help because my parents had forced me into a counseling session that didn’t go like they thought it would. they ripped my phone and keys from my hand saying that it was theirs and to get the fuck back to my dorm however i could. i started walking and i will never forget how scared i was then. i was in small town so it was nothing dangerous but just that my own parents could just rip everything away and leave me stranded like that. i couldn’t believe how they had just done that to me and drove off like nothing wrong had happened. i remember my roommate picking me up as i walking back to my dorm freaking out that i wouldn’t even be able to get back to my dorm room because they had taken my whole key ring with them. i was so embarrassed to have her show up to pick me up on the street walking. i remember how nervous i felt to have to call dee’s phone and try to explain what had happened and that i needed her help. i have always depended on her my whole life and when my parents took me away from her i didn’t really fight hard enough i just laid down and accepted the rules and punishment when i had to go back home after my step dad beat me. I hadn’t gotten to talk or see her in so long and here i was calling again in an emergency because my parents had done something wrong to me again. that was the second time i had to make that phone call to her begging for her help because she was all i had. i will never be able to put into words how selfless dee was both times i called her in need. she has picked me up from rock bottom more than once and has never failed me. she has somehow always found the good in me when i never saw it or even thought there was any in me. she has shown me a motherly love that i would give anything to be able to experience my whole life. 

i still to this day hate my fucking parents. like both sets of them tbh. my mom and step-dad treated me like shit and always tried to making me look like such a terrible kid but they were just shit parents. he beat me, they stole money from me, tried to ruin my life and control every single part of it. they honestly fucked me up for the first 18 years when they raised me. then at 18 i was lucky enough to meet the piece of shit known as my sperm donor. i thought he was so great after the first visit because of course they were like so excited to meet me. i went back for christmas and fuck them. my dad is a felon alcoholic that literally got his ankle bracelet off and a month later was drinking like he was when he got it on!! he never financially provided for me as a child when i was alive for 18 years so when i asked him for help while i was in school he was going to give me the bare minimum amount that i asked to help me pay for my car while i worked to pay rent and live. his fucking stupid ass washed up version of my mom (my new step mom) bitched every fucking month about sending me $100 for it and i fucking hated that bitch from the beginning. she is a terrible mother that doesn’t raise her brat fucking daughter right. she has just as bad of a drinking problem and felt so threatened when i came into their life. life i hadn’t already been his daughter for 11 years prior. but whatever the insecure bitch felt so threatened by me and always tried to sabotage my relationship with my dad. i never got to bond with him or get to know him other than the shit parts that i saw and heard. when i went for their wedding was really when i fucking lost it. they had the most disgusting backwards wedding and visit. that bitch was so fucking evil and i honestly wish now that i would have tried harder to ruin their wedding. they don’t deserve to call me their daughter and be happy that i’m “finally in their lives” so i’ll probably let me know that soon just so they know how i truly feel about them both. both sets of my parents are so fucked up and honestly that’s probably why i’m so fucked up and feel like i have so many things wrong with me. i’ve suffered thru traumatic experiences and never got proper therapy or recovery from it so that’s my next step in my life to get past this. but i am so relieved to know that i never have to speak to any of them again. they never deserved me as a daughter and i never deserved to grow up like that. fuck all them i won’t let them ruin my life forever. onto bigger better things without them and they will never ever get to know or be apart of it.

i guess i hold a lot of anger because of how much it feels like they ruined my lives. not only with the control and not being able to figure out who i am as a person but when my step-dad (guy who always literally claimed to have given me life lmao) beat the shit out of me and made me literally run away to a middle school friends house to get help from his mom because that’s the only thing i could think to do. they had taken my phone and ipad so i couldnt contact anyone for help. how fucking bullshit i felt in that moment having this huge guy beating me in the face and shoving me down and digging his thumbs into the bottom of my chin. i will never forget how helpless i felt then and how much i can’t ever fucking forgive my mom for just watching the whole thing happen to me and just watching. then when i explained what happened she would lie and say that it wasn’t happening but she was right fucking there. that night has got me so fucked up probably forever. i am always so sensitive to guys yelling or anything with angry men because i am probably still traumatized from what happened to me that night. fast forward to being forced to move back home and becoming so fucking depressed i ruined my life at that time. i was coping with my depression by sleeping a fuck ton. i didn’t want to be awake or in that house which they trapped me in so i just always felt tired and could sleep. 18 or more hours if i was left alone or unbothered. i kept my door shut and had a room in our basement living area so no windows and would just stay in the complete darkness of my room and try to avoid everything. i think at that point i was just so fucking done living life. i really did want to kill myself at that time and honestly if i could have been alone more during that time i probably would have just done it one day. that’s how much my life wasn’t even worth it anymore. i made it thru the rest of the bullshit acting and being something i’m not for the show my parents put on. the typical big school trips and graduation parties and presents because they wanted to look like the fucking best parents ever ya know?? because maybe then everyone would be like nah he didn’t beat her. no way. whatever and fuck anyone that has ever accused me of lying about that night. i finally had the shittiest experience in college. i was sleeping so fucking much again. i skipped classes for like a month before i dropped out. i hated it at that school, the program i was in, the people, fuck that college. of course that was the college my parents picked and made me go to. what a surprise right 

uhh fast forward just a lil bit i was in hair school and had finally moved out onto my own. i was terrible and idk what the fuck i did with my life at that time. i wish i never would’ve gone that early and fucked everything up for myself. but as usual the whole time i was in school and after i wasn’t confident and literally hated myself. i let depression and fuck up meds control my life. i would take them so i like couldn’t even remember things. my memory just started becoming like a fog when i would try to remember literally anything. i slept around because ya know the attention felt nice. i wouldn’t respect myself or my body to know my worth and not do the shit i did but at least i learned from it. i’m not proud of it by any means and i’m sure as fuck aware of all my terrible fucking choices in men. i will forever know that and be like damn girl you let that fuck up your life a lot lol

i finally left kansas and for a long time was pretty unhappy. idk probably a lot of trying to adjust being away from my family and we just lived in a shit situation at that time. but we finally got our lives together. i fucking work on my depression and shit and make it more known that way vince can help me to get thru it. for the first time in like forever i actually feel fucking good about myself and how i look. it feels really fucking good. like now that i’ve had this huge realization that the way i was raised and everything i thought was normal was actually wrong and bullshit. i can honestly say that i’ve seen so much and changed so fucking much this year and its so awesome. i have figured out who i am and cut so many undeserving fucks out of my life. i’ve blocked all those fucked up people in my life so they can’t even see what i’m doing lol. i have finally figured out that i don’t have to take the shit i don’t deserve anymore. i used to be a huge fucking pushover and i’m not going to be anymore. fuck that. i know who i am and my worth. i’m living my life and worrying about myself because that’s the only thing that fucking matters.