#even if i did take the rollator i don’t think i’d be up to it

[frizzillshiz]

I finally did something today that I’ve been considering for months. I bought a mobility aid.

After a short shopping trip (that was meant to cheer me up) that almost resulted in me fainting in the middle of the store (thankfully I was able to sit in a chair they had for sale, though I’m not sure if that was technically allowed), I broke down in my car and started looking at mobility aid stores nearby, and somehow there was one literally around the corner.

It took me a minute to gather the courage to actually go inside once I’d parked. I was so scared that whoever was in there would look at me, a 24 year old seemingly healthy person, and assume I was just messing around or not take me seriously.

When I went in, I started stuttering out what I was looking for and the sales lady looked at me and asked, “Do you need a hug?”. I gratefully accepted and cried a few tears and then was able to tell her what I was looking for and what I needed it for.

She did a wonderful job explaining the differences in their rollators and which ones she recommended and why she recommended them over the others. I ended up leaving with a mid-range priced one that I will be able to put in my car unassisted even on bad days.

I still have mixed emotions about needing a mobility aid at 24, but I’m incredibly proud of myself for finally taking the leap and getting something that I know will help me so much in every day life.

If you’re thinking about getting a mobility aid, I want you to know that it’s ok. It’s ok to get one if you’re 15,25, or 105. If you need it, if it will improve your life even a little bit, get it.

The main thing my friend said to me while I was considering one was this: “People who don’t need mobility aids don’t think about getting them”. Able bodied people do not think about how much better their life would be with one.

So, if you’re able, get that cane. Get that walker. Get that wheelchair, those forearm crutches, whatever you need (just make sure you’re choosing the right option for your disabilities!). It will be worth it.

[palms-upturned]

.

[redrosesartcabin]

Shadowsan x first perspective reader: What the future holds

(Y/n is your name, as always + lotsa fluff and angst overdoses) (Also I have a disclaimer: In this one shot, the reader is around 15 to 20 years younger than Shadowsan aka: It’s a one shot also surrounding the conflict of age gaps, if you don’t like that or don’t feel comfortable reading it, just blog the tag #agegap I will put on this and any following one shots that I may include this kind of topic, but please don’t attack me! Don’t report me! I’m not doing anything illegal nor am I presenting anything illegal: They are both consenting adults and the reader is still far over 25 years old. With that being said, I hope you all can enjoy this little one shot!)

The sun was shining in boiling summer heat as we were sitting on a bench in the park nearby where I lived. Luckily, some sheep clouds and a nice mild breeze were spending enough cool to make it a comfortable stay (I wasn’t too fond of the hot temperatures that ruled the season).

I exhaled the exhaustion of several months, looking forward to a couple of weeks where I’d get a well deserved break from it all.

So we continued to just sit there, Shadowsams arm cliché like draped around my shoulder as we proceeded to observe the people going for walks, children and dogs running around, playing games together.

Lunch time turned into the afternoon and it was noticeable, how lesser and lesser families were present now. Instead the visitors shifted to elderly women strolling around with their rollators, chit chatting with life long friends. What hit me though, were the old couples. Not the ones that fight without stopping or who almost ignore each other all together: No I mean the loving kind. The kind where one looks at the other in a way, as if they were seeing the most beautiful thing in front of them they’d ever seen. A kind of glance that tells you, that for them they’d always be beautiful, no matter how many wrinkles covered their faces, no matter how grey their hair would turn.

One of those couples was walking past us, just deeply infatuated with each other, holding hands as they did.

I felt that not only had I been hit by many feelings and thoughts, but so had Shadowsan.

I turned my head to the side where he was sitting. He did the same, turning to look at me

“Y/n”, he spoke, “I was thinking about our future, just now-”

“Me too”, I admitted, interrupting him before he could continue to speak what I’ve had in mind anyhow, “it was the old couple, wasn’t it?”, I asked

“Yes”, he confirmed my suspicion, “how did you know?”

“Because I pretty much had the same thought I think”, I explained, my voice a little silent, deep in thought, “though for me it was more like a feeling, that you’ve just now put it into words”

“Hm”, he answered with a rumble, a sound from deep within his chest, a moment of taking a breath and sinking deep into a sea of doubt.

It lasted about a minute before he asked, “what is this?”, nobody in particular really. I knew that by the way he was staring into nothingness, his eyes dilated and kind of staring. Thus instead of asking what he meant, I let him collect is thoughts in peace.

“What are we? What are we going to be?”, he continued asking after another while of thinking.

“I love you, and you love me. What else is there to know?”, I asked. Of course I had also thought about as at old age, or when we could finally move in together, but it seemed his thoughts went much, much deeper than that

“Oh Dear”, he answered, sounding worried, “there is a lot more than that”, he took a deep breath before he finally began to explain:

“Look my love, in the beginning of our friendship and eventual relationship it was all about the excitement of being together. I had not even thought that anything would happen, anything more than our deep friendship, so it was all very much thrilling for both of us when we had to admit that we were in love in spite of it all. You are so much younger than me and we have such different life stiles. Still it seemed we fit together perfectly, like a good couple should. Instead of butting heads, we complemented each other with our differences in life, personality and interests. We even found some things we had in common after a while, deep rooted affections for art of paint in the art of fighting. But this phase my dear, and I understand that you do not quite know this yet, is just the beginning of a relationship. It’s not going to be ‘oh I love you so much’ and ‘oh i love you so much too, let's go on adventures and have fun’ for the rest of our lifes nor our relationship. There is also a second phase: A phase where you need to rethink everything. You need to think about, if this is the person you want to move in, spend your whole life with, get old, or in my case older, together-“, I let out a sad sounding chuckle at that, “or…”, he took another heavy sounding breather before he said, “...or if it’s just some friend you wanted to fool around with for the sheer fun of it”

There was a very heavy silence before I noticed my strong disappointment and understood his implications

“You think just because I’m younger it means I’m foolish...that I’m toying with you?”, I asked, feeling my glare almost literally heat up and, I know this is cliche to say but: If stares could kill, this one could’ve

“Suhara, listen:”, I started scolding him, using the name he had originally been given at birth. He visibly gasped at that, his eyes widening

“Do not use that-“, he started to say but in an inappropriate sassy gesture, I laid my right pointing finger on his lips, shushing him gently

“Who punches first also needs to accept the punch back, and I will do so by calling you by this name in this scenario, because this is about something, that still is the same since you were born: Your heart, Suhara,your soul and everything that they imply. And I feel, Suhara, that they are in doubt about me, even though they’ve loved me... you have loved me, for a while” I spoke, metaphors spewing around, simply because I wasn’t able to say… it directly just yet.

There was another moment of intense silence before I then finally asked, what I had been meaning to ask and say “Why don’t you believe, in your heart and soul, that I take us seriously and truly love you Shadowsan?”

He slowly removed the arm he had draped over my shoulder, leaving a cold evening breeze to cover the spot where it had laid with goose bumps before he answered, his voice drunk with deep rooted sadness

“Because how could you, with your whole life in front of you. You, who still has so many possibilities and options in love and careers. You, who still is pure of heart, you who has not committed a crime whilst I’m here, probably over half my life already past, having made so many mistakes, committed so many felonies I cannot even count them on two hands. I...I cannot turn back, i cannot start over, I cannot take another road. I may be able to fix the road I’m walking on, but that still does not make it another road. You on the other hand have all the choices in the world, all the mountain paths and streets you can walk on. I cannot possibly ask of you to walk with me my way, this path full of holes into which you can fall to never come out again. Tell me, y/n, how can I ask of you, to not see me as more than excitement, as a thrill, if you still have so much to offer to the world, and the world to you. How can I ask you to walk on this run down road, if there are so many better ones for you out there”, he wasn’t crying, but I saw how there were tears collecting in his eyes as he was wearing a smile so sad and apologetic, that all the disappointment that had been making my chest feel heavier than a mountain it seemed, turned into endless, sad but light hearted love and sympathy.

This was a sort of attempt to break up with me, that was for sure, but it wasn’t because he thought I wasn’t able to commit, but because he didn’t think I wanted to. He didn’t think I could possibly want to stay with him, so he tried to push me away before I could push him away.

I sighed in deeply, taking his right hand, wrapping it in mine protectively, as if he had hurt himself. I took a deep breath, processing all the thoughts and emotions, a sort of relief, going through me, forming it into words

“Shadowsan: I may be young, but I am no child anymore. I have gone through every educational system the country has to offer, I have found work and have discovered my passions. I have made many experiences through all of that. Just the experiences I needed to find myself and my place in the world. I may still have a lot discover on my road, but I have found it and I like it just fine. So you, Shadowsan, aren’t another road for me, you are an addition, an upgrade. Our paths, our lifes, have intertwined and I have chosen to let that happen as much as you have. However: You have not understood, that that doesn’t mean that I have to choose. Of course I have to choose if I’ll still walk the intertwined way until it eventually becomes ours and one, but this will happen on its own, or it won’t. You will not get to decide that on your own though. We are in this together Darling, so you don’t get to push me away, even though you very well know that you love this intertwined path as much as I do.

To put it into simpler terms: I love you Shadowsan. I don’t care who you were before. Your past is a part of you, but it doesn’t need to identify you completely as the person you are. You are so much more than your past! I mean after all: The road continues doesn’t it? It doesn’t stop just because that part of your life is over now. And I’m here for that, for that new part in your life. That part where you love me and I love you and we’ll see where this love leads to. I know it’s important to think about the future, if we want to move in together, if I want to live fully aware of your, even though not evil, still dangerous job. I know that. But I also have loved you long enough to know, and I’ve gained enough experience in life to know, that we want each other, cannot stand to be without each other, for however long that may be. I personally think it will be for a very long time. What it is to you, that is up for you to decide. If you don’t love me anymore, you can leave me, and de-intertwined the ways, but as long as you do love me, don’t ever do what you tried to do again. You are worthy of my love. I know this to be true, don’t push it away”

I exhaled, finally having finished my monologue. Thoughts that I had unknowingly hidden for a long time had finally been released.

Shadowsan looked deeply into my eyes for a couple of seconds, before we inched closer, giving each other a kiss that sealed away the ugly doubts we’ve had away.

The kiss lasted for a while before he backed away to take a good look at me

“Love”, he eventually said, “How could I have ever doubted you? My beautiful, wise angel, do I truly deserve this kind of affection from you?”, he asked, caressing my left cheek softly.

I giggled at that, answering in delight, “Of course you do. Angels help the people, don’t they? Well then I’d love to be your guardian angel”

“I am honored, my love”, he simply chuckled, laying his arm over my shoulder to let us snuggle in peaceful silence again.

We watched the sun set behind a couple of trees, happy to know there was a new dawn to soon come, that would bring a new day of beautiful uncertainty of what our love with bring, and what the future holds...

[relucant]

well finally had an actual meeting with my father’s care team at rehab (for the first time in three weeks) and talked to an actual doctor for more than ten seconds (also for the first time in three weeks) and the fact that i am currently chasing xanax (which i have taken probably once or twice before in my life) with a glass of bourbon sums it up.

because, of course, the care team and the doctor had wildly different things to say about his progression and prognosis. which, to be fair, it’s predominantly physical rehab, and physically he’s improved a ton, so they’re anticipating discharging him, tentatively, in about a week. which, physically, seems appropriate.

so we finally managed to catch the doctor, and talked with in a hallway with my dad looming nearby and banking on his deafness for privacy, and she’s like yeah of course he can’t be left alone ever, he needs somewhere there round the clock. we’re like wait what? she’s like yeah, his short-term memory is effectively totally shot, and it’s unlikely to make any major improvements, so he’ll need in-home care. (she glances at me and mom and i are like nOPE.)

which, realistically, doesn’t change the situation a whole lot; my brother and i and my SIL had already agreed that for my mom to stay at home, she needs at the absolutely bare minimum someone coming multiple times a day to check on her and do things like take out the trash and such, and if she’s there alone, she really needs a live-in caregiver -- not a round-the-clock nurse or anything, but someone to pretty much, well, do what i do, errands and meals and making sure the household chaos stays somewhat in check, and that she doesn’t fall and die. and if dad coming home means that needs to happen much sooner than later, well, it’s a bit of a silver lining for me, at least.

but my mom of course is now in a ramped-up state of meltdown nonstop, which means she has her head so far up her own ass it’s hard to even et any sense out of her, and increasingly resistant to the idea that saying “oh you know i don’t want to keep you here” doesn’t hold up much to her doing everything she could possibly do to make it hard for me to leave, and becoming increasingly unaware of the fact that ilke... i’m a person. 

like i have something embedded in my left foot which makes it super painful to put weight on it, and favoring that foot fucks up my borked right ankle even more, and my back spasms every time i have to fold up her rollator to put in the trunk and then get it back out and haul in groceries and put away the dishes etc etc. 

which, like, is fine. given our current situation, i am genuinely glad that i’m here, as miserable as it is, because i am able to do those things, and i frankly can’t imagine what she’d do if i didn’t happen to be around. but when she’s like oh, i need to stop at the bank for some cash, and i’m like okay, drive through is good? wellll... no, i think i’d like to go in, i like for them to see me. and she waits for me to limp to the trunk, get her rollator out, limp inside, wait for her trying to find a way to stand that hurts the least amount of places, limp back out and cram the thing back in the trunk, etc etc, and she’s just looking around like yes, that was a good idea, i’m glad i did that... my patience grows thin.

and the fact that for a decade+ she has flat-out refused to lift a finger to improve her physical health, and flat-out refused to even try to address her crippling anxiety and adhd, all those types of things aer just another pulse in the stress headache i’ve had 24/7 for a couple weeks now.

and when my dad does come home, he’s going to immediately be a nasty, abusive shithead to her as usual, and she’s going to silently take it and enable his shitty behavior, and then snarl to me about him -- and complain daily about why doesn’t he remember this despite like the doctors saying HE DOES NOT HAVE SHORT-TERM MEMORY ANYMORE and i am just about at the end of my rope.

i planned to stay here until early june for my brother’s graduation, but he really doesn’t want us to come (because he loathes his school, not us, and would rather celebrate it otherwise), and like, jesus christ, i don’t know if i would make it that long without a gun to my head. seriously debating buying a ticket literally anywhere but here as soon as plans are in place, which today suggests will in fact be sooner.

(bonus: being now full-time nanny/babysitter/cook/maid/only person of semi-sound mind and body means my time/ability to work has plummeted and im making like at best half as what i could make before this shitshow really hit the fan.)