#even during the periods of time when i wasnt active on here/in fandom i constantly

[bvckbiter]

not to be dramatic but the prospect of not being able to draw the sillies is filling me with a nauseating volume of dread

[kitkatpancakestack]

I had this saved in my drafts for awhile and I wasn't sure whether or not it added anything new, but I am feeling such EMOTIONS for these two that I figure wth I might as well chuck it into the void:

So, I know the fandom is frought with S5 speculations and head cannons, but as I have only begun to digest S4 in its entirety, I'm still thinking about it. They just gave SO MUCH, and in an abbreviated season no less.

This time I been thinking about Buck's character arc as portrayed in S4, and I've been doing my rewatch, and maybe I'm late to the party and this has been discussed ad nauseam, but I really think Buck Begins and Survivors are the literal bookends of his plotline that season. The parallels alone seal the deal for me. Can't believe I'm about to make a post primarily dedicated to Evan Buckley and not Eddie Diaz but here we go:

What I found interesting is the comparisons bw where Buck's character is in the beginning of each episode, where he wants to be, where he thinks he's headed, and where he ultimately ends up.

Where he is at the beginning

In Buck Begins, we obviously get Buck like a raw and gaping wound with his parents, completely untethered to his sense of self. His whole thing is feeling like he's lost purchase on the possession of his forged identity (Buck) in the wake of his parents - and Maddie to an extent - who intentionally or inadvertently corner him into the identity he is always trying to escape from (Evan).

In Survivors, Buck has supposedly gained sufficient closure by this point in the season regarding his disparate identities, but we find out this is still not the case. There's something holding him back, but this lack of closure is more portrayed to the audience through the surrounding characters: "Buck's gonna Buck", Bobby's use of the word "Buck" during their kitchen argument, Taylor dragging him for acting invincible like he always does. He's obviously improved from his starting place in Buck Begins, and yet the vibes are still the same: him seeking the correct way to be "Buck" from everybody but himself.

Where he wants to be

I think this goes without saying that Buck is just constantly trying to live up to the expectations wittingly or unwittingly placed upon him by the people he respects the most. In Buck Begins this concept manifests as an absence of meaning, which is noticeably filled during the end scene when the team (interesting how they chose to leave Eddie out of this moment 👀) is telling him what it means to be Buck.

In Survivors, whatever shaky grasp Buck felt he had on his identity is obliterated by the very same people who previously defined "Buck" as something good and noble, and then freely manipulate that name and ascribe to it a meaning with negative connotations. I think it's especially telling in Buck's scene with Bobby, when Buck feels he's being complimented, but this is not Bobby's intention.

Where he thinks he's headed

Buck is just so dumb sometimes, I say affectionately of course. In Buck Begins (and beginning of Jinx), it seems Buck believe he has gained the closure he thought would "fix him" from his parents and Maddie, that it's a work in progress but he's got what he needed. Nevermind this is conveyed in an episode titled Jinx. But I think he truly believes he has filled whatever hole is inside him, that he can now face the future without baggage, and that is just *face palms* *laughs sadly*

In Survivors, I'm going to humor the writers on the Buck+Taylor scenes, bc it's so obvious he thinks he's about to get what he needs, what he deserves, which is someone who chases him, and this is absolutely correct thinking, just not the correct individual. Since his parents, Buck's whole thing was seeking a meaningful relationship (he equates this with a romantic relationship) which he thinks he's headed for with Taylor.

Where he ultimately ends up

This is just me screaming my hiatus crackheadery into the void here, but in Buck Begins I Do Not get the sense Buck has ended up in that much more of a meaningful place than where he started. Yes, he has answers. Yes, he has closure (?). What he does not have is solidified sense of self. Putting my buddie hat on, me thinks it's very interesting of the writers to separate Eddie from the previous scene of everyone telling Buck what his name means to them, that they give Eddie an entire scene with just Buck where Buck doesn't have to explain himself, doesn't actively seek meaning or definition, there's just an implied sense of being Seen and Known which is of course confirmed by Eddie's, "No, I know you did ❤️."

In Survivors, this hanging plotline is resolved through Eddie. Absolutely insane of the writers. The buddie scene at the end of Buck Begins and the one at the end of Survivors have the exact same energy. They're saying the same thing. Eddie knows Evan. And when he says his birth name, when he says his whole spiel, I known I've mentioned this before but it feels like a period to the sentence started in Buck Begins. All Buck wanted, more than a place to belong or a relationship, was just to be Known. It wasn't resolved through his parents bc they didn't really know him. It wasnt resolved through Maddie bc, even they are the closest, there's something about the shared trauma of their childhood that prevents her from knowing him fully, in the way he seeks. It obviously wasn't resolved through Taylor bc despite what we get upfront, she doesn't know him either.

Eddie does resolve this bc he knows him, sometimes I think better than Buck knows himself, and the show makes sure to double down on that, and I just think that shit is beautiful.

[lemonboyjosten]

—tw//health deterioration, mva, depression

wow it's been awhile since it posted anything huh, hi i'm alive. i've got so much to say while i was away. personally, this year has been an extreme struggle for me and i can't express how much i needed this platform to confide in you precious beings. i sincerely hope you all have been well, and those of you who usually hang around in my comment section, i havent forgotten the lot of you. you can stick with me on this rant or choose to scroll away. either way i need to get this out of my chest so to those who have wasted your time reading this, thank you, i appreciate it.

if i calculated right, i've been off social media for give or take, 4 months now. this year started off sluggish for me because i got tested positive for covid early march and being immunodeficient really affected my health which pretty much deteriorated since then, not to mention my already suckish lungs were failing on me. hence, i wasn't able to continue with classes so med school was put on hold and then came the early signs of depression knocking on my door as though it was personally invited. i needed some sense of normalcy so i thought i would be healthy enough to get back to the flow of writing and i was, even had my thought process in order and my tiny lungs even started recovering slowly after a month. so i started writing again and even signed up for the aftg exchange and everything with full confidence that i'll be able to deliver and give back to the fandom. i had the whole draft ready to be proof read and posted, with a few other projects i was working waiting to be published but all that went to hell when i was involved in a motor vehicle accident that day which cost me partial function of my leg.

3 months of physiotherapy helped me recover some of my strength but my ambulatory power has reduced for the time being. to add fuel onto the fire, the accident injured my lungs further and i was unstable for quite a period of time. to say i was devastated would be an understatement , i thought of giving up altogether. plus, i lost my scholarship because i wasnt able sit for my exams due to being absent for many classes and that really brought me down. the thought of being a constant dissapoinment and burden to my family members was something i couldn't process the thought of having failed those who've constantly had hopes for me and that hurt even more. i failed to even to contribute in the fandom after receiving my exchange gift made me feel like shit but then i had the best support during these last few months which helped me get back into shape and the right mindset. they even encouraged me to get back on track, start with your close friends circle, family then on my socials and actively engage with others and as cliche as it may sound, it worked wonders, i'm not even joking.

hell, i thought all my socials would've evaporated but based on the number of interaction i've received despite not showing any signs of life made me so happy. (our tiny not so tiny fandom is throving huh) my irls couldnt care less about my absence but the dms that came in through this account asking about my obsession with a stupid sports/mafia series really brought up my spirits and i will to continue my efforts because apprently it's a way to get rid of thoughts of self harm or loneliness; they say it's some kind of positive reinforcement or something like that. so here i am after months of suffering from hell and back. anywho, that's all for my sob story. i didnt want to go detail into some things but if you're interested to know more,feel free to dm me and i'll be more than happy to talk. here's to hoping 2022 would suck less and i'll have the capacity to write more. i miss you guys so much. either way, get ready for more aftg headcanons and fics coming your way. happy new year lovelies! take care and stay safe:)