#even before starting hrt this was a problem because i have PCOS

[vamptastic]

reading about literally anything medical as a trans person is so annoying. im not like, offended by gendered language in medicine beyond concerns about insurance coverage & such. but it can be frustrating to not know if variables that have a different average between cis men and cis women are the same for transgender people on HRT, and if levels that are normal for a woman but abnormal for a man would be harmful to a trans woman on HRT, for example. and then there's also variables that have different averages for different races (body temperature is the most well-known one iirc). like a lot of what we assume to be true medically is based on studies that do not include trans people and mostly only include white people. this isn't really a major problem when it comes to like, curing infections and developing surgical techniques, but when it comes to more... everyday kind of medicine it can feel like every doctor i talk to is just of a completely different mind as to what quality my overall health is and what i should worry or not worry about. you kind of just have to hope you can find a doctor who's worked with lots of other trans people and is on top of what medical literature does exist on us.

[theconqueringchicken]

The Stress of Accessing Gender Care

It took me years to decided to have any type of gender care and the process of accessing it is really stressing me out.

I met with my provider in summer after waiting about a year and a half to establish care. I told myself I was going to treat my PCOS and get on birth control or other hormones like I was supposed to but the words stuck in my throat. I told her I couldn't do it, that getting care to be more properly a woman felt like going in the wrong direction, and I wanted to try testosterone therapy.

She was very supportive and so said we should schedule a longer appointment to talk more about that. I was expressionless, tense, and closed off throughout. I wasn't ready to talk about the what I want. I have been holding it in since I was a teenager hoping the desires I have would go away.

No one wants to hear about it. It's not even something I can talk to my trans relatives about. One told me to come back and talk when I knew what I was and what my pronouns were and not before. Another told me that I just needed to learn to be a woman properly and my problem was lack of guidance and community. Step by step aigot pushed back into the closet.

My therapist's first reaction was "There's a lot of ways of being a woman. Maybe you just need to find the right one." Basically asking if I've tried not being trans. Oh yes, I have, for 15 years. Subsequent conversations were just as unproductive.

At my next doctor's appointment we talked briefly about health risks and why I wanted to try HRT. Never mind I'm already facing those risks from PCOS. My body is already making enough T to give me extra body hair and stop my periods for six months at a stretch.

I didn't know how to articulate why I wanted HRR. I've never talked about it and I feel so numb from depression and am so used to repressing these feelings they just slip through my fingers.

I only know that they are there. A pang of jealousy when I meet a trans man, a stab of shame when I don't meet a standard that was never meant to apply to me. A burst of pride when I push my body. The secret, desperate joy when I started growing chest hair and facial hair. The deep wrongness of being too feminine or completely masculine.

I can clumsily say what I feel but I do not know why I feel it.

I told her I was never normal, being a girl never fit, and if someone had offered me HRT when I was a 14 I would have taken it without a second thought.

She listened though I knew she didn't understand at all and I thankex her though I knew it wasn't what she was looking for. I was no less closed off to her and to myself.

Heading home I finally let myself feel happy. It was such a a fragile feeling, like a soap bubble floating along beside me, and if I looked at it too hard it might burst and all my fears would come crashing down on me again. Letting myself believe that HRT was a possibility for me felt like asking for disappointment or humiliation but I let myself have that hope,to pretend to believe in it just for a little while.

Then the gender limbo began. I was supposed to have an appointment scheduled with an endocrinologist but no one ever called me back. I felt this spark of panic and paranoia. Was someone trying to hook up my care? Like the person at the front desk who angrily snatched my ID out of my hand when I used my chosen name and not my given name?

After two weeks I called to ask what was going on. That day the entire phone system at the clinic went down so I got up and I went in person and was assured they would get back to me asap. They did not so I called them.

I asked about the scheduling and they told me it was being held up because they didn't have my new insurance information. Then, after another week it was being held up because they needed to do "information gathering". They did not specify what information they were gathering or why it took more than three weeks.

The next week I got another call telling me that they still had not scheduled anything and had no idea when they would be able to fit me in. So I made an appointment with a different provider and started the whole thing over again.

I had so much anxiety about keeping that appointment. I could feelyself panicking as I headed out the door and then when I reached the clinic I felt excited and relieved and so so glad I came. Then I was told my appointment was at another clinic. There was no time to get there on the bus so I just had to go home.

I told the receptionist that it was okay, that's just the way it goes sometimes, and then I went to the restroom and cried quietly on the floor for a few minutes. I kept myself together as I left and walked past the weirdos prowling around the clinic. Then I made the call and told scheduling I couldn't make my appointment and they told me that there never was an appointment and I started crying all over again.

I cried half the way home, then got junk food and a face mask, and made up my mind to fill my day with chores and crafts and go out later so I wouldn't be stuck at home. Yes, I am aware, getting the address wrong was my fault. That really doesn't make me less miserable.

This whole process has been so exhausting I don't know how anyone even does it. I don't know how people in the UK deal with all the wait times and all the nonsense.

I don't know how folks in the US copewith finally getting that prescription and then finding out that a pharmacist can just refuse to fill it because they hate transgender people.

I don't think what I've been dealing with personally is bias, it's just that healthcare is a shambles and has been for years. It's so stressful and it must be for everyone. I hope your journies are going better than mine.

[genderqueerdykes]

Hi! I saw your post about being put on estrogen for too many androgens, and how testosterone HRT actually helped you more for the symptoms. I think I need to talk to my obgyn about how I suspect I might have PCOS but I'm a pre-T trans man and terrified they'll tell me going on estrogen/androgen blockers is my only option. I was on progesterone for a month and it was a baaaad time. Have you written more about your experience with this somewhere?

i totally get that fear, i was actually afraid of that, myself, when i was pursuing transition. i was afraid they'd tell me i was too fucked up or something or that i already had too much testosterone in my system

i haven't written about it elsewhere, but i'll take the time to write about it now! i'm going to be also starting a Wordpress site to compile my experiences, so i'll be adding this to there as well!

i was placed on estrogen for a few years (from about 15 - 21) to try to combat the high levels of androgens my body was producing due to PCOS + hyperandrogenism (and possibly other non diagnosed intersex conditions as well), they told me that was the "only way" to fix the heavy periods and other problems i was having.

i noticed during this time, my energy levels were way, way down. i was exhausted, tired, and overall falling asleep and struggling to be present and awake. i would come home from school and pass out for 5, 6, 7+ hours and wake up in the middle of the night for a bit before sleeping even more.

i was generally very irritable, prone to snapping, mood swings, and being very "on edge" in general during this time. i got into a lot of arguments with my sister and told her heated, emotional things i didn't mean because i was so worked up all the time. i had a very negative outlook and couldn't stop myself from being pissy and short and mean with people.

i noticed that i got "baby fever" during this time and became OBSESSED with thinking about having children, what i would name them, and so on. i could NOT stop thinking about having children, even though i was a child, myself, for a lot of it. i was also gaining a LOT of weight and putting on weight in areas that were making my dysphoria so, so much worse.

my periods never really became regular or normal during this time, due to me being intersex. the volume of the menses decreased to more tolerable levels, but it never made them 'regular'. i also never stopped growing facial hair, it never even reduced the volume of facial hair i was growing, which was my mother's concern. and it never changed the fact that i wanted that facial hair.

overall, it was just a waste of my time to achieve a very, very slight difference in my menstrual cycles. the only thing that has fixed my menstrual cycles and stopped them from being so heavy that i get sick is testosterone hormone replacement therapy. testosterone has been live saving for me as an intersex person and i hope you're able to communicate to your doctor that you as a trans man WANT those increased testosterone levels and for you, that's not a problem.

having naturally high T can actually be a good thing in some cases because some doctors who are aiding you in transition will see that as something pointing toward your case as a trans man. you already having a high level of testosterone can mean they can potentially prescribe a lower dose of T to you or not have to take as long to titrate up, so hopefully they will be receptive instead of pushy about you "needing" androgen blockers or estrogen.

if you face problems with this, feel free to come back, but ultimately, it shouldn't (hopefully) cause a problem. you have the right to put your foot down and say no, actually, i want higher levels of testosterone in my body and i refuse to go on hormone blockers. i wish i had refused estrogen when they put me on it. so many afab and intersex people get put on estrogen and hormonal birth control regimens and it actually causes far more problems than it helps. estrogen and birth control should not be the first "solution" to reproductive health issues.

i hope that helped you! feel free to come back and send another ask, we're always happy to help with stuff like this. nobody really tells you what to do once you get a PCOS diagnosis. you feel really lost and confused and i get that. i hope things work out for you and you can get on T down the road, if that's what you want for yourself

[loretrip]

Had my first crush on my girl best friend at 9-10 years old. Proceeded to have a crisis because I'd definitely had feelings for boys before too, but this felt so much more intense. Was I a lesbian, who was only liking guys because thats what I was "supposed to" do? And what was I gonna do about liking my best friend?

Well, I told my friend about my feelings, but her family was homophobic so we just stayed friends.. Until we couldn't anymore.

As I got older I would develop more feelings, and I definitely had more relationships with women than men overall - eventually I realized that this was in no small part because I was able to get women to talk more to me and open up more to me, and that heralded another crisis where I realized I related to asexuals quite a bit but I definitely had sexual feelings so I couldn't be ace, right?

Realized I was demisexual. Then a few years later after figuring out how my attraction works, realized I was demiromantic, too. Realized I had a preference for women but could develop feelings for folks of all genders.

Started to saw memes about how folks figured out their sexuality, finally, then started questioning their gender. Brought up feelings in me I couldn't describe, laughed it off and moved on though.

Hit my 30s. Hit autistic burnout without knowing it was autistic burnout - got late diagnosed with autism. Covid happened so I suddenly had a lot of free time to figure myself out, and when burnout hit, realized I couldn't not explore this anymore, it was affecting me to much.

Met my current partner, @anarchicraven, who was out and openly nonbinary, was openly going to start HRT/E at some point, and started relating to them a bit to much. After some thought, and some time alone just to assure my anxiety they weren't influencing me at all, realized I was not cis.

Tried on she/they pronouns, thought I was a demigirl. Realized everyone besides my partner would only use she/her, and that bothered me for reasons I couldn't explain yet. Started exploring other gender identities when I realized I was not relating to other demigirls at all - even when I felt "feminine", it was in a gendernonconforming, butch/masc sorta way, not a "girly girl" way and so demigirl just didn't fit me. Tried on demigirlflux, tried they/them pronouns, thinking that way my gender would shift to masc was some form of being a demigirl AND genderflux - that didn't feel right either, but kept the they/them pronouns as they made me euphoric when my partner tried them out.

Decided to just stick with nonbinary for a while, then realized that being intersex complicates my identity and presentation a bit so I went with genderqueer. I still prefer genderqueer for that reason - whatever my gender is, its queer. But I am alright with genderqueer being used interchangeably with nonbinary. Proceeded to have yet another crisis when I realized I wasn't confused, my gender did in fact change sometimes, but not in the usual way a genderfluid person's does - I never felt entirely one gender, I felt like a mix of multiple. Thought I was pangender or bigender for a while, but that didn't fit either because I never felt like all genders at a time nor did I ever feel like just two. Stumbled on the term genderflux, realized it fit me like a glove - identity mostly settled, I'm transmasc nonbinary and genderflux, and my genders all fluctuate into masculine of center ones except in very very rare circumstances.

Had a crisis on if I wanted to start HRT or have surgeries, next. Wasn't sure it was even feasible for me with my multiple health problems. Did research into that, realizing it was perfectly safe and if anything gave me a bit of a headstart - I have severe PCOS, it gave me hirsutism, and complications from it meant I had to have one ovary and my tubes removed as a teenager - hence why I identify as intersex. Even my bits weren't normal looking thanks to PCOS.

Decided to start T. Shots were to intense for me though, then learned about microdosing and started microdosing T gel.

Had another crisis when I started getting chased out of FTM communities for being nonbinary - which made me realize I wasn't just nonbinary, I hated being viewed as woman lite, and just how important masculinity is to me and how I identify/present. Changed my pronouns to they/he, where they're at now. Started finally getting recognized as the masc I was, made me euphoric and happy.

As I got further into transition and presenting the way I wanted, my sexuality changed a bit, and I realized some things. I'm still double demi and pan - but the way I experience attraction to others differs depending on what their gender is. My attraction to cis men is gay - which explained to me, finally, why my relationships with cis straight men when I was a woman never worked out for long and why I had a preference towards women and femmes - I was subconsciously expecting a gay relationship, not a straight one, and it would always make me massively uncomfortable when I was treated as a straight woman for reasons I didn't entirely understand then. Thats not even getting into how we were constantly boxing for who wore the pants in the relationship, its no wonder those relationships never lasted.

My attraction to women is still sapphic - as is my attraction to femmes. My attraction to mascs is also gay. And my attraction to nonbinary folks like my partner seems to depend on what flavor of nonbinary they are - for my partner and I, its 90% sapphic and 10% gay because thats how they identify.

So now here I sit, transmasc nonbinary/genderqueer, double demi, pan, using they/he pronouns and on T. Looking to get top surgery soon which has opened another crisis tbh - I'd like to get nippleless top surgery because I really like how genderfucky it feels. Lately I've been quite into genderfucky stuff. I've even been considering adding its/itself to my pronouns, lol. So that will likely be the next pipeline.

LGBTQ+ folk what was your gender/sexuality pipeline?

[doberbutts]

@hikko-g

Because that post is already long enough, a condensed timeline for how my doctor was able to put things together and figure out that I’m intersex:

I brought a lot of evidence that I’ve been gathering for the past 5 or 6 years and then asked her to look into it, because I found out by complete surprise after thinking maybe I had PCOS or endo that I might actually be intersex instead. How did I find that out?

I had an ovarian cyst I didn’t know about burst and the pain was so severe that my face turned a light grey color (and I’m black so that is... Not A Great Sign) and I collapsed to the floor in the middle of my shift, and it was in the right spot for my appendix to have burst, so my job immediately sent me to the ER because if your appendix ruptures you either get surgery or die. Pre-op bloodwork revealed that my appendix is Fine Actually, so they did an ultrasound and discovered one very upset ovary covered in cystic scarring [bastard] and one ovary that very much did not look like an ovary but did look like an undescended testicle sitting where an ovary should be.

Which I took directly to my mother who proceeded to tell me “oh we’ve known about that since you were born”. WELL IDK WHO “WE” IS BECAUSE I WAS VERY NOT INCLUDED IN THAT DISCUSSION

She linked me to a study on CAH- Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia- which according to her the doctor told her I very likely had when I was born, which she deliberately kept from me because she was afraid it would make me want to be a boy. That was right before I moved to this state so about 5.5ish years ago. I have been working with PCPs and OBGYNs since trying to figure this shit out and at the end of the day I was told to go to an endo armed with all of these “well have you ruled out-” and “could it have been-” dead ends.

My endo looked at the evidence I provided and the medical records ruling out the more common stuff, did a brief physical exam of my body, and went “yeah probably”, did a quick blood test, and as the results trickled in over the next week she went “yeah that’s it all right”.

The specific things she was testing for were: baseline levels of estrogens and androgens [needed for HRT anyway], cortisol levels, and special tests for the components of cortisol as well as what people with CAH make instead of cortisol that the body converts into androgens. What do you know, my estrogen levels are at or below post-menopausal despite me definitely having periods, my testosterone is juuuuuuuuuuust touching the low end for a cis man, There Is No Cortisol Here, and I have a lot of loose ends my body should be turning into cortisol but is actively choosing not to do that and to turn it into androgens instead. So, that pretty much sealed the deal.

As for my ovary vs testicle problem- that is still a mystery and honestly one that will be resolved hopefully next year when I have the damned thing removed. My OBGYN looked at the images from that ER visit and went “yeah that sure doesn’t look like an ovary” but then on her own ultrasound said that it could be deformity or even a benign tumor causing the weird shape and so without actually seeing it outside of my body it will be hard to determine either way. CAH does not inherently do this- most people with Nonclassical CAH have perfectly normal internal genitals, but a study did discover that a non-insignificant number do have some form of mixed genital presentation either externally or internally, so it’s hard to say either way.

This was not a quick process but I do have to say that it would have been slightly faster had COVID not happened, as I was all lined up to start this process mid-2020 and then March Happened. And then things kept happening and I lost my health insurance and I just got it back. So instead of taking 5 or 6 years it would have been 3 or 4. Still not a fast process tbh.

[bassiter2]

believing that it should be difficult to get hrt or gender-affirming surgeries is 100% transphobic. believing that a trans person should have to spend weeks if not months *proving* - to a cis person, most likely - that we’re Actually Trans in order to get a service that can literally save our lives? is fucking transphobic.

yes, there are people who get hrt and later regret it or realize it wasn’t right for them. but why should that be the problem of the doctors who prescribe it? no one walks into a planned parenthood and just goes “gimme the gender juice” and then gets it immediately. it’s called Informed Consent for a reason - they sit you down and ask for your medical and mental health history, they ask you how long you’ve known that you were trans and whatnot, and most importantly they go over ALL the changes that are expected to happen on hrt. they make sure that you KNOW what will happen and you give them your signature to confirm that you still want it, just like any other medical procedure. 

you also get your blood drawn and have to wait several days to get the results back and have your prescription called in, AND most permanent changes don’t start becoming noticeable for several months. you have plenty of time to change your mind.

not to mention how most of the changes ARE reversible once you stop taking it, for both testosterone and estrogen. and any that aren’t? well guess what, there are cis women with pcos who have all the traits that being on T for a year would leave behind. and there are cis men with no facial hair and breasts and small testicles and high voices. they find ways around it or deal. it’s not the end of the world.

in any case, adults have the right to make decisions about their own body, full stop. i could walk into a tattoo parlor with $500 and say that i wanted squidward with his cock out on my back, and because i’m an adult, they would give it to me. i’m not required to spend months giving my life story to someone who’s never even gotten a tattoo themself so that they’ll sign a piece of paper that confirms i REALLY want even such an objectively awful tattoo. so why the fuck should it be different with gender-affirming treatment?

i know why YOU think it should be different, at least. because you think that trans people don’t know what’s good for ourselves. because it hasn’t occurred to you that trans people often spend months if not years agonizing over our gender in total silence before even coming out, let alone pursuing medical transition, and so you think that cis people should be in charge of what we do.

which makes you transphobic.

[fulcrum-agent]

Dysphoria

I’m going to talk about some things that I need to get out there a bit more than I generally do. So today, I’m going to discuss my gender identity, gender dysphoria, and what it’s doing to me emotionally and mentally. Before I end up falling into a repeat of March.

People on both sides of the fence in regards to gender and sexuality (meaning both the LGBTQ+ community and the “straights”/”cis” world) aren’t going to like everything I’m about to say here. But the past few days and weeks, I’ve been feeling the same kind of horrible pressure I had largely freed myself from a year ago, some of it is almost as oppressive as when I was a teenager.

It’s not just going to be anecdotal information, not just “feels” - I involve science in everything.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why the LGBTQ+ community can get upset about the use of science with gender identity and sexuality. A lot of really bad science has been done in an attempt at erasure and vilification. But that shouldn’t lead to discounting the good science that is starting to make its way into the fore.

All that out of the way, let’s get started.

Taking a trip in the Way Back Machine, when I was in utero, mum wasn’t keen on getting ultrasounds. It wasn’t something that was well covered by her insurance, and she had issues with the gel they use for them. So the doctors were more heavily relying on other methods to determine gender, and the few ultrasounds mum could afford weren’t very conclusive due to positioning. This was back in the late 70s/early 80s, and the tech wasn’t as good as it is now.

The vast majority of markers pointed towards the concept that I was a baby boy. The pregnancy and much of the social stuff surrounding it were treated like I was going to be a boy. There was a stupid amount of pastel blue involved.

As it turned out, not only were their predicted due dates off dramatically (an entirely separate story there), but physically, I was a female baby; it was so expected that I’d be male, they had no female names handy, so they used the name of the type of piano they bought for me (spoilers: I’ve always hated my birth name because of this).

Essentially, I’ve had gender issues since birth. One of my doctors expects that I’ve had PCOS nearly my entire life, possibly even before puberty, since my testosterone levels even in utero were higher than they should be.

While I personally had almost 0 concepts of gender and the societal bullshit around till around puberty, it still affected me all the damn time.

I was almost immediately labelled a tomboy, because I was physically active - climbing trees, playing sports, wanting to do martial arts, and I also liked things like GI Joe and He-man while having an obsession with dinosaurs and science. However, people who viewed me as a tomboy would get confused by the fact that I also liked dance, music, My Little Pony (this was before bronies), and dolls like Jem and Barbie.

Back at the dawn of the 80s, things were rather black and white when it came to gender norms.

Despite the people around me having issues with my “gender weirdness”, I was perfectly fine till around 11, when puberty started.

Much to my distress, my body became extremely feminine. Before I was even 12, I was more than an A cup, and I started getting curvy hips and rear. For some reason, I really just did not like the way my body was starting to look, yet I had tonnes of people telling me how “lucky” I was, and how I should dress to compliment my form.

I also was absofuckinglutely not okay with menstruation. It was beyond the typical uneasiness about this new thing, about learning how to manage it - there was visceral hate I didn’t understand. It didn’t help that having my period made me ill, something that only got worse and worse as I got older. Between the dysphoria related anxiety/depression and the actual physical problems, I wanted nothing to do with menstruation and decided I wanted a hysterectomy even before I had my first procreation systems problems. I also realised before I was out of high school that I really wanted a breast reduction; increasing back and shoulder problems were what I thought the root of it was, but I realise now I actually just wanted a more androgynous body, even back then.

Throughout part of junior high, and all of high school, my friends who were female were always being pushy about making me dress like a girl, and to weaponise the body I was “so lucky to have”. At the start of junior high, I dressed like a goth skater boy - in part because I was slowly building a gothic wardrobe, and in part cus men's clothes were just super comfortable. And cheaper - most of the stuff I was buying with saved lunch money, so buying boy’s/men’s clothes was also something of a financial strategy.

Despite often feeling awkward about my body, by the time high school landed, I had just given in to the pressure. I dressed like a little goth princess, I wore push-up bras (even though I was already a D cup at that point), most everything I wore either accentuated my breasts by being tight or super low cut. On one level, fashion was always fun for me, I nearly became a fashion designer before realising how horrid that industry is, so the putting together outfits and such was fun - it was when I was actually wearing them that I could feel super awkward.

Once I moved from Salt Lake to San Diego, I was able to ditch a lot of that. No one knew who I was, I didn’t know anyone else, and SoCal was a lot more chill about things than Utah could ever hope to be. I still would sometimes dress the goth princess, but my default style swerved back towards skater/raver in cuts. I wore rave pants and tank tops with men’s graphic button downs.

While I was in San Diego, I met a transman and transwoman who were both chill with explaining gender transitions to me. I suspected someone I knew in SLC was along those lines (I was wrong, they were intersexed, and parents made terrible decisions for them). While I was aware that I didn’t want to transition entirely to being male, I knew there was something along those lines that I needed. Sadly, I didn’t meet any non-binary people, and no one really ever brought up the concept to me while I was in SoCal.

About ten years ago, after I had gotten sick and had to move back in with my mum, on the Eastern Seaboard, I met an incredibly knowledgeable transwoman who pointed out to me that androgyny isn’t just an art style but also was gender. She was the first to explain to me what being non-binary was the full spectrum of non-binary - from being gender fluid to androgyne to flat non-binary.

For once in my life, I felt normal as far as gender was concerned. I wasn’t some weird tomboy, I didn’t have to conform to what I’d been told to while growing up, I wasn’t weird for having certain previously odd dreams. It all made sense.

At this point, I’d already done a lot of research on what all transgender, the emerging science behind it, the process of transitioning, chest binding. But at that point, I did a lot more research into non-binary aspects of gender; there’s not nearly as much as there is on MtF/FtM transgenders, but there was a fair bit.

Since I was having problems with depoprovera actually helping with the PCOS and nixing menstruation, I decided that I wanted to do low dose HRT. It took a lot to get to a facility to do so, but I managed to start that in 2015. I was also hoping that if I was right about my hunch, that a number of other medical issues I have could be affected for the better. There’s a lot of emerging science pointing to the fact that transfolk have chemical imbalances - their chemical make up doesn’t really match that of their birth gender; about how HRT helps move their different hormonal chemicals to the range their body actually needs; how many times transfolk feel better physically once their HRT reaches stable levels, and how often times being on HRT reduces or eliminates different chronic medical issues.

Locally, there was no facility that could manage HRT. Even with the hard science in my hand, local doctors couldn’t wrap their heads around it, so I couldn’t even “cheat” and have a mainstream endocrinologist manage it for me. Most didn’t even want to look at the science. I still have to go to Philadelphia for HRT, and half the science I take with me is still relatively new to the Mazzoni Centre.

Getting HRT was the lesser struggle. Although I had started addressing the need for a breast reduction clear back in 2012, insurance coverage in general on reductions is trash. A certain amount of mass has to be removed for them to cover it, which often times cannot be accurately gauged before the surgery; much of the time, a person needing a reduction would go under, get mass removed, only for it to be too little for insurance coverage, leaving them with a $7,000 bill.

The only surefire way to have them cover it entirely for almost the entire decade I was working on this was a full mastectomy, whether or not it was related to cancer. For a while, I was very on the fence about a full mastectomy, because I didn’t want to transition to being male - I wanted a body that was just a hell of a lot more boyish than mine’s been since puberty.

Eventually, I came to be at peace with the idea of this, thanks to people like the fabulous Elliott Alexzander, who promote non-binary fashion and are also male-bodied. Seeing someone who had absolutely no breasts rock women’s fashion helped immensely.

I did finally luck out, however. By the time I was okay with the concept of having to have a full mastectomy to get insurance to cover the surgery, a WPATH certified surgeon had moved into the area. With his help, I was able to get what he termed a hybrid top surgery, 100% covered by my insurance, due to gender dysphoria.

While recovery was rough, as it became painfully apparent that the boyfriend who lived with me at the time had massive issues with all of it, despite having been warned back in 2013 that I was going to be doing all of this. He’d always been lowkey abusive, often in ways that evaded mum seeing him be so, but that escalated rapidly after the surgery, to the point where even mum could see it; I had an HRT check up not long after the surgery, and the nurse who roomed me asked if I was okay, or if I needed help - the abuse had become that apparent, and constant. (Yes, the relationship was terminated, though it took 3 or 4 more months for him to find a place and move out.)

For most of the time since the top surgery, I’ve not had my dysphoria trigger all that much; at most, I have a lowkey fear of some crazy, conservative, Christian redneck here is going to decide they don’t like how I look, and try beating me up - or worse. This has already happened once since the surgery: some loon was sitting on his porch at like 2 AM, and I was out on a walk; I had my headphones in, and music on, so I couldn’t hear everything he said, but caught something about how I was a vile dyke, and he started coming down off his porch at me - I ended up just looking at him as if he were less than a gnat, while continuing to walk, and he backed off. The power of looking like you don’t give any fucks.

Recently, I’ve been having more and more dysphoria, due to people just not getting that I as a person am non-binary. I have pronoun preferences. Ignoring them isn’t okay. I actually have to have my characters all have small breasts still because I get the same sense of dysphoria I’ve had for my entire life when they’re much past an A cup. I’m not going to wear a dress when I don’t want to, and I’m not going to wear an a-shirt/muscle shirt when I don’t want to. I’m not going to forgo mixing and matching men and women’s clothes for someone else’s comfort.

Generally, I’m not one to get aggressive about this stuff, because I don’t believe that aggression helps the LGBTQ+ community (or any community) considering its aggression that creates the situations we find ourselves in right now. I’m more about educating someone politely, giving them time to adjust, to remember that for me as a person, it’s They (or Xe) and not She. Let those who know me offline adjust to the fact that no, you can’t use my birth name, you have to use the name that I go by (even though that’s about as variable as David Bowie during his early musical career). You can prefer people with more curves, but you can’t tell me that I can’t be okay when you want me to be curvier, in a game or out.

Initial microaggressions are fine. Persistent ones after the fact aren’t.

If I ask you to stop doing something because it’s causing dysphoria, you don’t get to shrug it off, and just continue to do it. You don’t get to ignore the fact that what you’re doing is harmful to me, just because opening your eyes to who I actually am is inconvenient to your current world order. You don’t get to invalidate me as a person because you think your religious doctrine is against who and what I am (spoilers: nearly every religion on the planet preaches love as its highest law - and doing any of this shit to anyone violates that tenant of your faith).

You don’t have to entirely understand the why of all this. You don’t have to be savvy on all the different points on the gender spectrum. You don’t have to know the science behind it.

What you have to understand is that your actions are harmful and that if you want to be a better person, you have to stop those harmful actions. Not just because they’re harmful to me, not just because you care about me, but to just be a better person overall - to avoid doing this to anyone and everyone.

If that’s asking too much, well:

EDIT: It occurs to me that I should probably mention that it doesn’t bother me when people refer to my characters by their gendered pronouns. Ashe, Claire, Fia, and Vaylin can be referenced by she/her while Rel, Saber, and Kym’a can be referenced as he/him. Vieno will probably lean more towards they/them. The only one it’s a hard must be they/them with is Dwynd, because when I made her, it was an outlet for being completely out of the non-binary closet when I couldn’t yet be RL.

[ftmtranstastic]

Hi! I saw my doctor for the 1st time this week after getting my name changed. She positively commented on it and then told me a story about her brother changing his last name. I wasn't planning to come out, but I vaguely told her I didn't like how feminine my birth name was "and other stuff..." and she replied "oh I get it, I get it" with this look. Then she paused and said "But you don't want to become a man, do you? Take T?" #facepalm I said "I'm nb, but I've thought about it..." (continued🌱)

(part 2🌱) So she gives me this *omg* face while telling me that "T makes ppl angry & irritable". I wasn't expecting to have this type of convo with her so I just went "errr.. I think this isn't true for all" & she was like "I have a few patients on T and they all became more angry and irritable!" Then she told me that T gives ppl PCOS. I've never heard that, is it true? Also, if any1 has good French ressources I could give her or know of trans friendly docs in Quebec city, plz let me know! Thx! 

Hi! 

I’m no medical professional, but I can tell you that she seems extremely misinformed. It’s not an uncommon myth that T makes people aggressive though, and it may come from the fact that if your testosterone levels are too high you can experience, among other things, being irritable. In that case you should go to your endocrinologist and get your levels checked and corrected. That’s why it’s so important to monitor your T levels with blood tests, especially in the beginning. It’s very easy to fix. I wouldn’t call it a danger or risk or whatever, just something to be aware of when starting T. (Sidenote: this is my own personal speculation, but maybe it can also have to do with the fact that a lot of people find it harder to cry after being on T for a while. Perhaps lacking that emotional outlet leads to people feeling more irritable in certain situations where before they would cry or feel sad/upset. In that case, if that irritability is a problem, I’d say they need self help books and/or professional help and I’m sure it will be fine.) 

I’ve personally never seen any evidence or even big discussion in the trans community about whether or not T gives you PCOS. My endocrinologist did not mention it to me when he gave me the rundown of the effects of testosterone. If PCOS was a known and proven effect, him not mentioning that to me would have been horrible. Which leads me to think it’s not a known and proven effect.

This PDF says (on page 8): 

“Themain symptoms of PCOS are similar to the changes that happen whenFTMs start taking testosterone: • acne• obesity• growth of facial and body hair• no menstrual period or infrequent period; infertility or reducedfertility.”

Maybe that’s where your doctor’s confusion lies? Idk.

I’d also like to add that for a lot of transmasculine people, our mental health suffers incredibly if we are prevented from taking T when that’s what we feel we need. I think that’s important to take into account. While risks are important to be aware of, to say a decision isn’t a good decision because of risks that can’t be proven or are possible and easy to fix is neglecting to see the vital mental health aspect of HRT.  

Followers, got any resources in French?

- Emil

[beingaseahorse]

My wife and I have been trying to conceive for about 4 years and keep encountering fertility problems. My wife was recently diagnosed with endometriosis, 5 fibroid tumors were found along with polyps. She had some thankfully benign polyps removed just a few years ago that we’re blocking a tube, so it’s beyond frustrating to learn that they’re back already! She also has a low egg count for someone her age and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). Due to the findings of these recent tests, along with her age, 39, we have decided it’s my turn again to try to conceive (TTC) and carry. That was always our plan, before it got to be too much for me, as I’m 12 years younger, so when her fertility door closed mine was to open. It was challenging for her, and us when my mental health wouldn’t allow me to TTC any longer!

During the past year when I was not TTC we were searching for a fertility clinic that would work with us. The best and most affordable one we found is in New York & were in Wisconsin, so it wasn’t easy! Our plan was for her to have a laparoscopy & hysteroscopy to get her uterus ready to carry my eggs. To break that down a little bit we would have to harvest my eggs for reciprocal in vitro fertilization (IVF) aka known directed egg donation to her.

We struggled to find a clinic that would even work with me because I’m Transgender. The clinics didn’t believe that I was not doing hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Our awesome gynecologist was willing to write them letters to confirm that I hadn’t started HRT.

The frustration of finding a clinic, and the cost of IVF weighed a lot in my decision to TTC again. We are eager to grow our family and have a biological child. It was heart breaking to find out how bad things were for my wife! It’s been a dream of hers to have children her whole life. We have always talked about having kids. My thought at the moment is “I have the parts might, and I might as well use them before I have them removed”.