#evan i’m afraid of picking the wrong couch again buckley

[meep-meep-richie]

[thisissirius]

because @hearteyesforbuck​ told me i should post it

you have (1) voicemail eddie/buck, angst with no happy ending lalala a sequel to @hearteyesforbuck​‘s you have (1) missed call and yes, it’s exactly what you think it is

Okay, Chim says. 

Take care of Maddie, from Bobby.

I’ll stay at the hospital in case Eddie comes, Hen’s sent. 

 Frank writes. Writes more. Writes even more. Eddie’s life is reduced to a spiral notebook with peeling Hello Kitty stickers on the front. Eddie wonders if they’re a gift from Frank’s daughter. Maybe a niece? Sister?

-------------

If Eddie took his phone—

If Eddie let Buck stay— 

If, if, if. 

-------------

“If he let me drive him to work like I kept saying,” Eddie says, angry. 

Mimi and Kitty are staring at Eddie, smudged with dirt, part of Kitt’s face curling over. Frank shifts the book on his knee, Mimi disappears into the curve of  Frank’s jacket. “Would that help?”

“I don’t know, Frank, I think he’d be alive.”

-------------

Eddie doesn’t know what he’s expecting when he diverts from the station, heading straight for the hospital, but it’s not this;

Hen, eyes red-rimmed and defeated, saying, “I’m sorry.”

A bag of belongings in her hand that Maddie won’t, can’t, is afraid to take. 

As if Eddie’s able to function instead of feeling this cold, dark emptiness well up inside of his chest. 

“No,” Eddie says. 

-------------

No, he says to Frank, and goes with it for a very, very long time. 

-------------

Chris folds in on himself.

Eddie’s heard it before in the books Buck likes (liked) to pretend he doesn’t (didn’t) love. It’s a stupid description and he’s always laughed, burying his face in Buck’s shoulder, and telling Buck to fuck off and read some good literature— 

“He won’t talk to me,” Eddie says. 

“Eddie,” Frank says gently. 

“I can’t even help my own son through the grief I can’t let myself feel.”

“Because you’re angry.”

“Damn fucking right I’m angry,” Eddie snaps. 

-------------

“Who leaves a fucking message,” Eddie waves his phone in Frank’s face, “telling someone they love them as the last thing they do?”

------------- 

Someone who’s got nothing left to lose.

------------- 

Chris is curled up on the couch.

Eddie stares at his face, slack with sleep, tear tracks drying on his cheeks. Athena’s hands are running through his hair, saying something to Bobby that Eddie can’t hear. 

The kitchen is the safest place in Eddie’s house; it’s empty but for crumb-littered plates, discarded napkins, and half-empty bottles. Stumbling out of the back door, Eddie makes it to his dying bushes and throws up what little food he’s managed to eat.

A hand rests on his back and he jerks away, snarls at Chim to, “get the fuck away from me.”

“Eddie,” Maddie says, stricken.

“What?” Eddie stalks away from them, hands clenched into fists. There’s nowhere to go, it’s a fucking yard, but he stalks to the end anyway. He hates this, fucking hates it. 

“He wouldn’t want this for you—”  

“Well,” Eddie snaps, turning and looking Maddie in the eye, “he sure as shit didn’t leave that in a message for me.”

Maddie’s eyes widen, her face shifting into confusion and despair. 

“Edmundo Diaz,” Abuela says, crossing the yard with a thunderous look on her face. There’s a trickle of others from the house, everyone spilling into his yard, all dressed in black, looking solemn, ruining his grass and his solitude and his grief. 

“Stop it,” Eddie breathes. “Stop it, just stop.”

-------------

“I don’t want to go to his funeral.”

Frank raises an eyebrow. “Yet you’re hosting.”

“Who else was going to? Maddie and Chim don’t have the space, and Buck practically,” Eddie cuts himself off, stares at a point above Frank’s left shoulder. “Thought he lived in my house.”

How does that make you feel, someone else might say. 

It’s okay to not want that, he remembers his mom saying. 

“The fact that you want makes this worse?” 

Eddie’s never hated Frank more.

-------------

“Clear the yard,” Bobby says. 

“Time to go,” Hen says, voice carrying over the din. 

“Is Dad okay?” Christopher’s words drift over the yard. 

“I don’t know,” Eddie starts, shaking. 

Maddie touches his face, thumb stroking over his cheek. “Eddie—”

“He left me a message,” Eddie gasps. “Said he—he loves me and then—” 

“Fuck,” Chimney whispers. 

Leaning in, Maddie brushes a kiss over his hairline. Eddie doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t know what to do, how to feel, can’t be what Christopher needs because he, “can’t do this.”

“You can,” Maddie whispers. “We can. Together.”

Eddie looks her in the eye. “What’s wrong with me that I don’t get to keep the people I love?”

-------------

 The Hello Kitty stickers have almost completely peeled. Mimi’s missing a head, and Kitty’s handbag is restuck to the bottom of the notebook. 

“How’s Chris?” Frank asks. 

Eddie shrugs, swallows thickly. “Sad. Clingy. Missing Buck.”

Frank’s eyes are kind. “And you?”

“I loved him,” Eddie says. He picks at a loose thread on his hoodie. It’s Buck’s hoodie. “He’s not here anymore.”

The notebook slides to the table. “You never say died. Or dead. Dying.”

Eddie bites at the inside of his cheek, fighting the tears burning his eyes. Why does Frank always do this? Strip away the anger and the emptiness and just leave the feelings Eddie doesn’t want to face? 

“You’re not pretending he’s still alive,” Frank says. 

“Think Bobby might have me taken off duty indefinitely,” Eddie points out. “The only reason I’m still here is that he needs you to sign off on me returning.”

-------------

The plot is colourful. 

Probably not intentionally; so many flowers and plants and notes taped to sticks. 

Eddie feels sick. 

Crouching down in front of the headstone, Eddie looks everywhere but at the name. 

“Chris is gonna visit this weekend.” There’s a lump in Eddie’s throat that he can’t shift. He closes his eyes, breathes out slowly. Finally, he lifts his eyes. 

Evan Buckley. Beloved brother, friend, firefighter. 

Choking on a sob, Eddie runs his fingers over Buck’s name. “I hate you for leaving me.”

-------------

There’s no notebook. 

Eddie frowns as he takes a seat. “You’re not writing today.”

“I don’t think there’s a need,” Frank says. “How do you feel?”

Like my best friend’s dead. 

“Chris has stopped crying,” Eddie says instead. He licks at his bottom lip. “He did his last project on Buck. Keeps saying he’s gonna make Buck proud by doing everything he and Buck planned together—” 

“How do you feel,” Frank says again. 

Eddie shuts his mouth abruptly. Opens his mouth. Closes it. Says, “Buck’s dead.”

“Yes,” Frank agrees, “he is.”

“He left me behind,” Eddie continues. “I thought I had—that we’d—I’ll never get that and I’m angry and hurt but not, not at Buck.”

Frank nods, and Eddie doesn’t think he’s imagining the pride shining in his expression. “I’ve signed you back for work.”

“I almost didn’t want to,” Eddie admits, clenching his hands into fists. “I don’t know if it’s—being there without Buck hurts.”

“What would you do instead?”

Eddie’s startled. “You don’t think I should go back?”

Frank smiles gently. “It’s your life, Eddie. Your choices.”

“I think I choose,” Eddie says, pauses, “to take my time choosing.”

-------------

“I love you too,” Eddie whispers, resting a bouquet against the headstone.

[caralynsmoved]

the most wonderful time of the year

fandom: 911onfox characters: quinn callahan ( original female character ), athena grant-nash, sean callahan ( original male character ), bobby nash, fire fam ft. karen wilson and maddie buckley.  pairing(s): athena grant-nash/bobby nash, maddie buckley/howie “ chimney “ han, hen wilson/karen wilson, allusions to evan “ buck “ buckley/eddie diaz rating: general audiences setting: sometime after the ice skating and a little before the christmas spirit episode, idk timelines are hard and i wrote this before the actual christmas ep aired.  notes: so quinn is my oc formed of my love of kennedy mcmann and my need to just want more ocs basically. also s/o to @henwilsons bc she is pretty much quinn’s creator and a second s/o to @liesoverthec because when i posted hey who wants to hear about this oc you know nothing about it sweet bon-bon went me ! i do ! and made me giggle at work so here goes ??  ps. you can refer to this original post about quinnie if you want ! 

∞

“ should i ask how you found me or should we just skip to the why ? “ quinn asked, not even looking up from the drink in front of her. 

“ maybe skip to why you haven’t been answering my calls, huh ? “ athena asked, taking a seat beside at the nearly empty bar. 

quinn was sure in a few hours the now nearly empty bar would pack up with hopeful christmas couples, people looking for someone to spend the holidays with, mostly people trying to avoid the holidays in one of the most effective ways around .. at least that’s what she was trying to do before athena showed up. 

“ i’ve been busy, you know holidays make people nostalgic for estranged family, lost holiday gifts, missed connections with that certain somewhere who winked at you while you were singing to last christmas on the subway. “ quinn said, taking a drink before she looked over to the woman at her side.

“ think you could still make some time for holidays, quinn, get your stocking all hung up. “ the stocking had been an addition during her first christmas with the grants. she had slept in the guest room and woken to a stocking on the fireplace bearing her name right next to everyone else’s. it had been one of the first times she had let herself celebrate the holidays since her dad … the stocking now got put up every year. 

“ athena … “ quinn pressed a hand against her forehead, eyes closed tightly for a moment as she thought of the bright lights of christmas, watching rudolph curled into her dad’s side, hot cocoa in the middle of the night like a secret and the shadow that hung over them after he was gone, “ i don’t know, “ 

“ i know it’s been hard for you, lately. “ athena said, pushing the glass away just enough in hopes quinn wouldn’t notice, “ especially now, but baby you can’t keep hiding yourself away, there are people in your life now who love you, who want to be there for you .. if you’ll let them. “ 

quinn knew they would be, they had proven it in a hundred different ways; bobby being by her side after the tsunami when he wasn’t at buck’s, eddie going sparring with her at the gym when it all became much for either of them, buck and maddie stubbornly tailing with her on long stakeouts, hen and chim pulling her into team dinners at the station, it was even christopher or denny’s little hand reaching up for hers like they could trust her implicitly. the problem wasn’t that she didn’t know they were there the problem was they could easily be gone in an instant; one wrong call, one second too late, between one breath and the next … gone just like that. she’s already carrying one ghost she doesn’t know if her chest has room for any more. 

“ one more ? “ the bartender, either not catching athena’s warning gaze or not caring ( it was more likely the second ) asked, jolting her out of her thoughts and she fumbled. 

“ i .. i … ummm, “ words suddenly stuck in her throat as she felt the weight of it all fall on her shoulders with a rush, “ i need some air, “ 

the young woman pushed away from the bar and athena’s well meaning hands as she stumbled her way to the alley, falling down against it and letting the cold brick pressed against her back and shoulders chill her heated skin. out of control wasn’t a feeling she liked at all, out of control was something she didn’t get a luxury to feel because there wasn’t anyone around to catch her when it happened, no one to shield her when she fell or got too loud or did the wrong thing. out of control is how all of this made her feel and she pressed her forehead to her knees with a frustrated whine. 

“ merry christmas, baby girl. “ 

the hands fell away from the little girl’s eyes and she saw white decorating the ground and it felt like magic, 

“ snow ! “ instead of whirling straight into the white fluff the girl beelined for her dad behind her, wrapping her arms around him, “ you did it , daddy ! “ 

strong arms picked her up and twirled her around as she squealed and laughed as bright as the sun even as her dad clutched her to his chest and fell backward into the soft whiteness of the snow that glittered across their yard. she wriggled from his grasp as he rolled them around in the snow and looked up at her dad who smiled at her like he always did, “ told you i’d make it snow for you, quinnie, anything for my girl. “ 

it had never snowed like that in la and now that she was older she knew her dad had pulled strings to get snow in their yard, a simple call to a company, but to a little girl who wanted the realness of snow it had been everything and her dad had known that. they had stayed out there all day until they were soaked and shivering, he had coaxed her inside with hot chocolate and rudolph and she had fallen asleep in the window seat watching the snow settled in the yard … it had been their last christmas. 

there was the click of heels on asphalt, a ruffle of fabric and a sigh before athena was settled next to her once more, wanting nothing more than to reach out and pull the girl into her arms. 

“ i’m sorry, “ the words were old hat to quinn who spent her life either spitting them dismissively or profusing them to a grieving client … or the woman next to her, “ i’m so sorry. “ 

“ there’s nothing for you to apologize for, quinn. “ the softness in athena’s voice, the mom voice she and may always have teasingly called it makes her ache, makes her want for things she’s too afraid to have, too afraid to lose. “ i know you’re scared and it’s hard for you especially this time of year and as much as i want to just make it all better for you i can’t. “ 

quinn felt her green eyes sting with the press of tears and a sniffle following athena’s words had a gentle hand brushing pale red curls away from her face, stroking through her hair, “ i don’t … i don’t think i can do this anymore. “ 

the hand that was slowly brushing through her curls moved to turn her chin and she was met with a sad but no less warm smile, “ you don’t have to, not anymore. not if you don’t want to.  “ 

it could be so easy … 

“ i’m terrified, “ it was quinn’s breathless admission that had been held back like a warning she displayed to anyone who came close; damaged goods, broken toy, don’t come close; dead inside. athena had seen it all, pushed past the warning signs like a challenge and held her close even when she fought her, maybe especially when she fought her. 

“ i know. “ two words seemed to signal some sort of click in quinn’s head as the tears built up spilled down her cheek and off her chin, “ being scared though it’s just a part of loving something or someone but it doesn’t mean you should just never let yourself feel it again. i’m scared whenever bobby walks out the door in the morning, i’m scared when i say goodbye to the kids, i’m scared whenever you don’t answer the phone and maybe it would be less terrifying to just pack it all in, but then i’d miss out on all the good that love brings me, all the people it brings into my life. “ 

a sob crackled through her chest and escaped her, it sounded aching and tired, it sounded like her. in a second she was swept into warm arms and cradled like she was something fragile. “ you’re going to be okay, i’ve got you now, i’ve got you, baby girl. “ 

she wasn’t naive enough to think one breakdown in a bar’s alleyway would magically fix everything, that she would dry her eyes and feel put together, but it was a start, it was a soothe to some of her jagged edges, it was a way to breathe again. 

∞

tears dried and smudged makeup wiped away by skilled fingers, quinn shuffled in behind athena into the warm chaos that was the grant-nash household. there were decorations strewn about throughout the home, soft christmas music playing over a speaker, the smell of dinner wafting throughout and the sound of voices carrying over everything. 

“ and i’m telling you that you’re wrong ! “ was buck’s shout that rang out through the house and greeted the two women as they came into the living area. the blond was sat on a couch with eddie and was halfway leaned off of it to meet chim who was sat with a fondly grinning maddie, hen with an arm wrapped around her wife rounded out the team. 

“ except i’m not and you are, respect your elders, remember, buck ? “ chim quipped back at him, hands waving around that maddie skillfully dodged before gently grabbing one to hold which of course earned a sappy smile from her boyfriend. the words themselves drew a snort from eddie whose shoulder was promptly whacked by buck. 

“ what are they arguing about now ? “ athena asked as she came into the kitchen where her husband was opening a bottle of wine with quinn once more trailing behind her, feeling oddly unsure even in the shelter that this home was to her, “ i thought when i left they were bonding over the music. “ 

“ which of course led to them arguing about christmas music .. i’m pretty sure they’re actually arguing about which is the classic christmas song. “ bobby said, an amused smile on his face as he came around to hand his wife a glass of wine and a kiss, “ glad you could make it, quinn. “ 

eyes drifting towards the mantle hung with stockings quinn almost started as she was pulled back to the present and offered the older man a half smile, “ me too, bobby. “ 

“ just because you’re older doesn’t make you right, chim ! “ buck said, leaning that much more forward only to be pulled back by eddie’s hand on his shirt keeping him from toppling straight off the couch. 

“ and just cause you’re the baby, doesn’t make you right either ! “ whatever response buck had ready and waiting fell away at chim’s words and he sputtered. 

“ baby ?! i am not the baby ! “ 

“ you’re literally the youngest person here, buckaroo. “ 

“ that doesn’t make me the baby ! “ 

“ throwing the temper tantrum might though, bambi. “ quinn quipped, making her way to the crowd and taking a seat next to karen who gave her a smile and a pat to her knee that had her sinking easily against the cushions. 

“ come on, “ buck said, voice dropping from a shout to an indignant whine as he looked around at all of them, “ did you guys have to tell her about that ? “ 

“ well you just looked so adorable flailing around out there, i couldn’t help it. “ hen said, cooing at him leaving buck leaning back against the couch with a huff. 

“ says you, i think i grew like ten gray hairs everytime he almost faceplanted. “ eddie chimed in, the same fondly exasperated look on his face he had on the ice that day. 

“ i was not that bad. “ buck said, dodging the hand that eddie used to ruffle at his hair as his cheeks flushed with a blush. 

“ not how i heard it. “ quinn said, pulling her socked feet up underneath her on the loveseat as her words caused buck to pout. “ aww, don’t pout, bambi. it’s almost christmas. “ maddie teased her brother earning a dramatic kiss on the cheek from her boyfriend. 

“ i swear if that sticks .. “ the blond said, looking at all of them with a half-pleading, half-glaring expression on his face. 

drinks were passed around as bobby and athena came to join them and for a moment it seemed like everything was there, everything she was so afraid to have and she thought once more of how quick and easy it would be to lose it all. then like that day in the hospital bobby asks her to help him in the kitchen and the confused glances are worth the easiness to draw in a breath, 

“ better ? “ she’s not stupid, she knows there was nothing bobby actually needed help with and something about the realization makes her fingers tingle and ache as she runs a hand through her hair and looks up to meet his sympathetic gaze. 

“ thanks, bobby. “ quinn doesn’t ask how he knew, how he always seems to know because the answers are there in all the things he does and says; the shadows that sometimes swim behind his gaze, the way he looks at buck, may and harry like he’s found something he never thought he’d find again .. sometimes she thinks they just see echoes of their pasts in each other. 

“ no problem, kid. “ bobby said with this understanding smile as he stands next to her, a hand rubbing her shoulder and she thinks last year she never would have been able to do this, never would have let bobby this close, she thinks maybe this is what all that cliched talk of healing is supposed to mean, little things like this. she thinks maybe this she can do. 

green eyes floating towards where the stockings hung once more and then towards the crowd of family scattered throughout the living room she took a breath, thought of her dad without a vice grip on her heart, the way the snow felt against her cheek when he rolled them around and how it felt when she saw her stocking on the mantel with all the others and how if anything else it made all the painful ache in her chest ebb just enough. it was funny how she felt like bambi herself in this moment, shaky legged and unsure as she made her way towards the mantle and picked up the red and white striped stocking with her name stitched in green lettering. 

“ you’re my brave girl, you know that ? “ her dad said, reaching out to tweak her nose causing her to scrunch her features with a giggle. 

“ daddys always say that. “ she protested, legs swinging where she was sat on the kitchen counter. 

“ that’s because daddys are always right, “ he said with a knowing smile as he smoothed the bandage over her knee and reached behind him and like the magic she always assumed her dad had produced a bright blue sucker, “ especially when it comes to their brave girls. “ 

a breath in and a breath out and she carefully placed the stocking on the hook already placed and waiting for her. 

“ looks good up there. “ athena’s voice called from where she was sat and quinn nodded, a smile she hadn’t felt in what felt like such a long time curving her lips as she looked at it before making her way back to her seat with the family and sat down, legs curling underneath her as she looked around at them. these people; these, crazy, wonderful, hilarious, strong and sweet people were hers and maybe she was even theirs. for now, that was enough, for now she could do this. 

“ yeah, yeah it does. “ 

“ merry christmas, baby girl. “ a ruffle of her hair, a kiss against her forehead and the smell of his cologne so clear and present, curling around her like a memory, like a blanket.