#→ here to stand between you and the chaos / 911onfox

[caralynsmoved]

stay with you always

fandom: 911onfox characters: evan “ buck “ buckley, eddie diaz, hen wilson, bobby nash relationships: evan “ buck “ buckley/eddie diaz rating: general audiences setting: season two, episode eighteen; this life we choose a/n: so this isn’t complete, but i was at work today and got this sudden rush of this moment this with eddie pleading with buck to stay with him and buck just .. if i could i’d tell him i’d stay with him forever and i clung to it until i could get home to write it. i added to it, worded it out a little bit, but as of now this is all i have and i just wanted to get it up before it languished unfinished in my google docs. 

" stay with me, buck, stay with me. " eddie's voice soothing as always echoed above him, one hand holding his tightly and he thought about how nice that felt, that everything else hurt except for eddie's hold on his hand, " stay with me, evan, please. "

nobody ever called him evan, maybe maddie or bobby a few times and it usually meant something bad, but he liked the way it sounded when eddie called him that, wanted to hear him call him that again and again … 

" evan, hey. " the hand that was holding his moved to touch his cheek and it might have been the gentlest someone had ever touched him … " look at me, come on, we're here .. i'm here. "

everything after that happened in a rush of noise and pain; the crowd, the searing white-out pain in his leg, the heavyweight of fear and he wanted to scream, wanted to cry, wanted to reach out blindly to the familiar voices around him as felt himself placed on a gurney, but mostly he wanted to give into the tempting darkness wrapping around him slowly.

" no, no, no, hey no. " eddie's voice pulled him back, it kind of always did, and he blinked up and saw eddie's features swim above him and red-rimmed hazel eyes and a soft smile met him, " there you are. you're okay, you're okay, ev. "

he was so tired, he wanted to tell eddie how he loved his smile, that it was one of his favorite things, but all he could seem to do was nod, leaning against the hand on his cheek. a thumb stroked just beneath his eye on the undamaged side of his face and he forced his eyes open once more, “ m’tired. “ 

“ i know, i know you are but, you gotta hold on for just a little while longer, “ eddie said, leaning close after sharing a look with hen who looked just as worried as eddie did, “ come on, just keep your eyes open, talk to me. “ 

“ bobby ? “ bobby had been there, he had remembered when the pain had crested bobby had been there, he had sounded so calm, so sure that everything would be alright and buck remembered a soft kiss against his hair just like his mom used to and that was it, “ is he … ? “ 

“ he’s okay, “ hen reassured him, firmly pausing in her motions for a moment to look at buck as she spoke, “ he’s with athena and chim, he’s okay, we’re all gonna be okay. “ 

“ okay, “ buck murmured quietly, relief echoing in his aching chest and making the pull of the ever-encroaching darkness even stronger, “ okay. “ 

“ -uck, buck, evan ! “ the shout echoed in the ambulance and buck jolted with a pained gasp, blue eyes wide as he looked at eddie’s features, hovering close, fear tinged and sharp and reached up and brushed his fingers along eddie’s shadowed jaw. something flashed then in the other man’s eyes as he leaned into the touch,  “ you’ve gotta stay with me, evan.. please .. stay with me. “ 

and buck wanted to listen to him, wanted to tell him that he wanted to stay with him, wanted to stay with him always, always, always. that things were better when he was by eddie’s side, that he breathed easier when they were shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, but it was all fading away, he was fading away and all he could do was listen as both eddie and hen shouted at him to stay awake, heard the rapid beeping of machines, felt calloused hands against his face and skilled ones on his leg and he looked at hazel eyes like they were his home because they were,

“ i love you, “ 

and he faded.

[caralynsmoved]

WHATTA MAN WHATTA MAN WHATTA MIGHTY GOOD MAN

to be honest when people call out shows for queerbaiting, more often than not, I think they're reading too much into it but with 9-1-1 ..... holy moly. they use SO many common romantic tropes I struggle to read it as anything other than a budding romance.

[caralynsmoved]

press me to your heart 

fandom: 911onfox characters: evan “ buck “ buckley, eddie diaz, bobby nash, maddie buckley, howie “ chimney “ han, hen wilson, christopher diaz, carla price, athena grant pairing(s): evan “ buck “ buckley/eddie diaz, maddie buckley/howie “ chimney “ han, bobby nash/athena grant rating: general audiences setting: honestly no clue ?? maybe in some vague auish space where there was more time between buck coming back after his injury/lawsuit and the iceskating ep ?? 

∞

eddie looks up from the book in his hands when he hears the door to the bunk room open and sees buck's familiar form walk in.

" hey, bud. " 

buck just groans at him as he kicks off his shoes and eddie goes back to his book expecting buck to crash out on one of the spare bunks .. what he doesn't expect is buck falling onto the bunk next to him, curling up and tucking himself under his arm. for what feels like the longest moment eddie doesn't say anything, frozen as he watches buck's eyelashes flutter against his skin, watches buck's fingers curl into his shirt and then he finally breathes. it's not as weird as it should be when he thinks about it, buck curled against his side and breathing sleep-soft. eddie’s glad no one’s around though still to see the unbelievably soft smile that crosses his features as he leans down just the short distance to press a kiss against buck’s hair. 

“ okay, “ he said, quietly for no one but himself and the walls to hear as he tucked his arm snugly around buck’s shoulders and went back to his book … well half of his attention went back to the book, the other half stayed on the sleeping blond at his side, “ okay. “ 

[caralynsmoved]

the most wonderful time of the year

fandom: 911onfox characters: quinn callahan ( original female character ), athena grant-nash, sean callahan ( original male character ), bobby nash, fire fam ft. karen wilson and maddie buckley.  pairing(s): athena grant-nash/bobby nash, maddie buckley/howie “ chimney “ han, hen wilson/karen wilson, allusions to evan “ buck “ buckley/eddie diaz rating: general audiences setting: sometime after the ice skating and a little before the christmas spirit episode, idk timelines are hard and i wrote this before the actual christmas ep aired.  notes: so quinn is my oc formed of my love of kennedy mcmann and my need to just want more ocs basically. also s/o to @henwilsons bc she is pretty much quinn’s creator and a second s/o to @liesoverthec because when i posted hey who wants to hear about this oc you know nothing about it sweet bon-bon went me ! i do ! and made me giggle at work so here goes ??  ps. you can refer to this original post about quinnie if you want ! 

∞

“ should i ask how you found me or should we just skip to the why ? “ quinn asked, not even looking up from the drink in front of her. 

“ maybe skip to why you haven’t been answering my calls, huh ? “ athena asked, taking a seat beside at the nearly empty bar. 

quinn was sure in a few hours the now nearly empty bar would pack up with hopeful christmas couples, people looking for someone to spend the holidays with, mostly people trying to avoid the holidays in one of the most effective ways around .. at least that’s what she was trying to do before athena showed up. 

“ i’ve been busy, you know holidays make people nostalgic for estranged family, lost holiday gifts, missed connections with that certain somewhere who winked at you while you were singing to last christmas on the subway. “ quinn said, taking a drink before she looked over to the woman at her side.

“ think you could still make some time for holidays, quinn, get your stocking all hung up. “ the stocking had been an addition during her first christmas with the grants. she had slept in the guest room and woken to a stocking on the fireplace bearing her name right next to everyone else’s. it had been one of the first times she had let herself celebrate the holidays since her dad … the stocking now got put up every year. 

“ athena … “ quinn pressed a hand against her forehead, eyes closed tightly for a moment as she thought of the bright lights of christmas, watching rudolph curled into her dad’s side, hot cocoa in the middle of the night like a secret and the shadow that hung over them after he was gone, “ i don’t know, “ 

“ i know it’s been hard for you, lately. “ athena said, pushing the glass away just enough in hopes quinn wouldn’t notice, “ especially now, but baby you can’t keep hiding yourself away, there are people in your life now who love you, who want to be there for you .. if you’ll let them. “ 

quinn knew they would be, they had proven it in a hundred different ways; bobby being by her side after the tsunami when he wasn’t at buck’s, eddie going sparring with her at the gym when it all became much for either of them, buck and maddie stubbornly tailing with her on long stakeouts, hen and chim pulling her into team dinners at the station, it was even christopher or denny’s little hand reaching up for hers like they could trust her implicitly. the problem wasn’t that she didn’t know they were there the problem was they could easily be gone in an instant; one wrong call, one second too late, between one breath and the next … gone just like that. she’s already carrying one ghost she doesn’t know if her chest has room for any more. 

“ one more ? “ the bartender, either not catching athena’s warning gaze or not caring ( it was more likely the second ) asked, jolting her out of her thoughts and she fumbled. 

“ i .. i … ummm, “ words suddenly stuck in her throat as she felt the weight of it all fall on her shoulders with a rush, “ i need some air, “ 

the young woman pushed away from the bar and athena’s well meaning hands as she stumbled her way to the alley, falling down against it and letting the cold brick pressed against her back and shoulders chill her heated skin. out of control wasn’t a feeling she liked at all, out of control was something she didn’t get a luxury to feel because there wasn’t anyone around to catch her when it happened, no one to shield her when she fell or got too loud or did the wrong thing. out of control is how all of this made her feel and she pressed her forehead to her knees with a frustrated whine. 

“ merry christmas, baby girl. “ 

the hands fell away from the little girl’s eyes and she saw white decorating the ground and it felt like magic, 

“ snow ! “ instead of whirling straight into the white fluff the girl beelined for her dad behind her, wrapping her arms around him, “ you did it , daddy ! “ 

strong arms picked her up and twirled her around as she squealed and laughed as bright as the sun even as her dad clutched her to his chest and fell backward into the soft whiteness of the snow that glittered across their yard. she wriggled from his grasp as he rolled them around in the snow and looked up at her dad who smiled at her like he always did, “ told you i’d make it snow for you, quinnie, anything for my girl. “ 

it had never snowed like that in la and now that she was older she knew her dad had pulled strings to get snow in their yard, a simple call to a company, but to a little girl who wanted the realness of snow it had been everything and her dad had known that. they had stayed out there all day until they were soaked and shivering, he had coaxed her inside with hot chocolate and rudolph and she had fallen asleep in the window seat watching the snow settled in the yard … it had been their last christmas. 

there was the click of heels on asphalt, a ruffle of fabric and a sigh before athena was settled next to her once more, wanting nothing more than to reach out and pull the girl into her arms. 

“ i’m sorry, “ the words were old hat to quinn who spent her life either spitting them dismissively or profusing them to a grieving client … or the woman next to her, “ i’m so sorry. “ 

“ there’s nothing for you to apologize for, quinn. “ the softness in athena’s voice, the mom voice she and may always have teasingly called it makes her ache, makes her want for things she’s too afraid to have, too afraid to lose. “ i know you’re scared and it’s hard for you especially this time of year and as much as i want to just make it all better for you i can’t. “ 

quinn felt her green eyes sting with the press of tears and a sniffle following athena’s words had a gentle hand brushing pale red curls away from her face, stroking through her hair, “ i don’t … i don’t think i can do this anymore. “ 

the hand that was slowly brushing through her curls moved to turn her chin and she was met with a sad but no less warm smile, “ you don’t have to, not anymore. not if you don’t want to.  “ 

it could be so easy … 

“ i’m terrified, “ it was quinn’s breathless admission that had been held back like a warning she displayed to anyone who came close; damaged goods, broken toy, don’t come close; dead inside. athena had seen it all, pushed past the warning signs like a challenge and held her close even when she fought her, maybe especially when she fought her. 

“ i know. “ two words seemed to signal some sort of click in quinn’s head as the tears built up spilled down her cheek and off her chin, “ being scared though it’s just a part of loving something or someone but it doesn’t mean you should just never let yourself feel it again. i’m scared whenever bobby walks out the door in the morning, i’m scared when i say goodbye to the kids, i’m scared whenever you don’t answer the phone and maybe it would be less terrifying to just pack it all in, but then i’d miss out on all the good that love brings me, all the people it brings into my life. “ 

a sob crackled through her chest and escaped her, it sounded aching and tired, it sounded like her. in a second she was swept into warm arms and cradled like she was something fragile. “ you’re going to be okay, i’ve got you now, i’ve got you, baby girl. “ 

she wasn’t naive enough to think one breakdown in a bar’s alleyway would magically fix everything, that she would dry her eyes and feel put together, but it was a start, it was a soothe to some of her jagged edges, it was a way to breathe again. 

∞

tears dried and smudged makeup wiped away by skilled fingers, quinn shuffled in behind athena into the warm chaos that was the grant-nash household. there were decorations strewn about throughout the home, soft christmas music playing over a speaker, the smell of dinner wafting throughout and the sound of voices carrying over everything. 

“ and i’m telling you that you’re wrong ! “ was buck’s shout that rang out through the house and greeted the two women as they came into the living area. the blond was sat on a couch with eddie and was halfway leaned off of it to meet chim who was sat with a fondly grinning maddie, hen with an arm wrapped around her wife rounded out the team. 

“ except i’m not and you are, respect your elders, remember, buck ? “ chim quipped back at him, hands waving around that maddie skillfully dodged before gently grabbing one to hold which of course earned a sappy smile from her boyfriend. the words themselves drew a snort from eddie whose shoulder was promptly whacked by buck. 

“ what are they arguing about now ? “ athena asked as she came into the kitchen where her husband was opening a bottle of wine with quinn once more trailing behind her, feeling oddly unsure even in the shelter that this home was to her, “ i thought when i left they were bonding over the music. “ 

“ which of course led to them arguing about christmas music .. i’m pretty sure they’re actually arguing about which is the classic christmas song. “ bobby said, an amused smile on his face as he came around to hand his wife a glass of wine and a kiss, “ glad you could make it, quinn. “ 

eyes drifting towards the mantle hung with stockings quinn almost started as she was pulled back to the present and offered the older man a half smile, “ me too, bobby. “ 

“ just because you’re older doesn’t make you right, chim ! “ buck said, leaning that much more forward only to be pulled back by eddie’s hand on his shirt keeping him from toppling straight off the couch. 

“ and just cause you’re the baby, doesn’t make you right either ! “ whatever response buck had ready and waiting fell away at chim’s words and he sputtered. 

“ baby ?! i am not the baby ! “ 

“ you’re literally the youngest person here, buckaroo. “ 

“ that doesn’t make me the baby ! “ 

“ throwing the temper tantrum might though, bambi. “ quinn quipped, making her way to the crowd and taking a seat next to karen who gave her a smile and a pat to her knee that had her sinking easily against the cushions. 

“ come on, “ buck said, voice dropping from a shout to an indignant whine as he looked around at all of them, “ did you guys have to tell her about that ? “ 

“ well you just looked so adorable flailing around out there, i couldn’t help it. “ hen said, cooing at him leaving buck leaning back against the couch with a huff. 

“ says you, i think i grew like ten gray hairs everytime he almost faceplanted. “ eddie chimed in, the same fondly exasperated look on his face he had on the ice that day. 

“ i was not that bad. “ buck said, dodging the hand that eddie used to ruffle at his hair as his cheeks flushed with a blush. 

“ not how i heard it. “ quinn said, pulling her socked feet up underneath her on the loveseat as her words caused buck to pout. “ aww, don’t pout, bambi. it’s almost christmas. “ maddie teased her brother earning a dramatic kiss on the cheek from her boyfriend. 

“ i swear if that sticks .. “ the blond said, looking at all of them with a half-pleading, half-glaring expression on his face. 

drinks were passed around as bobby and athena came to join them and for a moment it seemed like everything was there, everything she was so afraid to have and she thought once more of how quick and easy it would be to lose it all. then like that day in the hospital bobby asks her to help him in the kitchen and the confused glances are worth the easiness to draw in a breath, 

“ better ? “ she’s not stupid, she knows there was nothing bobby actually needed help with and something about the realization makes her fingers tingle and ache as she runs a hand through her hair and looks up to meet his sympathetic gaze. 

“ thanks, bobby. “ quinn doesn’t ask how he knew, how he always seems to know because the answers are there in all the things he does and says; the shadows that sometimes swim behind his gaze, the way he looks at buck, may and harry like he’s found something he never thought he’d find again .. sometimes she thinks they just see echoes of their pasts in each other. 

“ no problem, kid. “ bobby said with this understanding smile as he stands next to her, a hand rubbing her shoulder and she thinks last year she never would have been able to do this, never would have let bobby this close, she thinks maybe this is what all that cliched talk of healing is supposed to mean, little things like this. she thinks maybe this she can do. 

green eyes floating towards where the stockings hung once more and then towards the crowd of family scattered throughout the living room she took a breath, thought of her dad without a vice grip on her heart, the way the snow felt against her cheek when he rolled them around and how it felt when she saw her stocking on the mantel with all the others and how if anything else it made all the painful ache in her chest ebb just enough. it was funny how she felt like bambi herself in this moment, shaky legged and unsure as she made her way towards the mantle and picked up the red and white striped stocking with her name stitched in green lettering. 

“ you’re my brave girl, you know that ? “ her dad said, reaching out to tweak her nose causing her to scrunch her features with a giggle. 

“ daddys always say that. “ she protested, legs swinging where she was sat on the kitchen counter. 

“ that’s because daddys are always right, “ he said with a knowing smile as he smoothed the bandage over her knee and reached behind him and like the magic she always assumed her dad had produced a bright blue sucker, “ especially when it comes to their brave girls. “ 

a breath in and a breath out and she carefully placed the stocking on the hook already placed and waiting for her. 

“ looks good up there. “ athena’s voice called from where she was sat and quinn nodded, a smile she hadn’t felt in what felt like such a long time curving her lips as she looked at it before making her way back to her seat with the family and sat down, legs curling underneath her as she looked around at them. these people; these, crazy, wonderful, hilarious, strong and sweet people were hers and maybe she was even theirs. for now, that was enough, for now she could do this. 

“ yeah, yeah it does. “ 

“ merry christmas, baby girl. “ a ruffle of her hair, a kiss against her forehead and the smell of his cologne so clear and present, curling around her like a memory, like a blanket.

[caralynsmoved]

don’t wanna know the other side of a world without you

fandom: 911onfox characters: evan “ buck “ buckley, eddie diaz, bobby nash, maddie buckley, josh russo ( s/o to @henwilsons & @transbuckley for reassuring me russo was josh’s last name and i hadn’t made that up in my head ) relationships: evan “ buck “ buckley/eddie diaz, maddie buckley/howie “ chimney “ han, bobby nash/athena grant, hen wilson/karen wilson rating: general audiences, teen setting: somewhere between 2x14 and 2x15 ( second s/o to @transbuckley ) for remembering the exact episode “ eddie went full spiderman during the house fire with the gas line “ 

∞ 

buck had been hovering at his side ever since they got back from the call which in itself was weird enough especially lately. any free time they had, whenever a shift ended buck was racing towards the door for maddie or chim’s or towards his phone to call them. now though buck hadn’t even touched his phone just followed eddie around, looking unsettled more than anything. eddie grabbed the makings for a sandwich out of the fridge catching buck still hovering he let out a quiet sigh,

“ you want a sandwich, buck ? “

blue eyes widened at the question and buck took two actual steps back and one step forward, “ uh, no, no .. i’m fine. “ 

“ okay, “ it was only years of learned patience as a dad that stopped him from prying, buck would open up when he was ready not when he was pushed. he continued making his sandwich and sat down at the table all while buck hedged around before taking a seat himself. he had just taken a bite when buck finally spoke,

“ you really didn’t think about it at all ? “ confusion creased eddie’s features as he chewed and swallowed before buck explained, “ the whole spiderman thing, “

“ no, not really, “ it was the same answer he had given everyone at the scene and it hadn’t changed. he had seen a little boy in danger and immediately thought of chris, of what he felt every time chris was hurt, of what he would want someone to do for his kid, it all had just surged him forward without a thought, “ i mean .. it’s what we do. “ 

“ it’s not what you do. “ once again buck’s words caused a wave of confusion and the multiple emotions displayed clearly on the other man’s face caused it to grow even more.

“ what do you mean ? we’re firefighters, we help people when they’re in trouble, “ a half laugh escaped him as he leaned forward, arms resting against the table, “ it’s exactly what we do. “ 

buck shook his head, seeming to grow frustrated, “ it’s not, it’s not what you do. you don’t do things like that. “ 

“ like what ? “ it was a gentle nudge on his part now that buck was finally opening up about whatever was bothering him. 

“ reckless things, stupid things. you think, you’re calm, you - you - you’re safe. “ was buck’s exhalation of an answer, fingers twitching as a clear sign of his stress over this, “ sorry, this is stupid, i don’t - “

“ hey, hey, hey, “ a soft hush passed his lips as he reached out, wrapping his fingers around buck’s wrist both to soothe him and stop his departure, “ just talk to me, buck, huh ? tell me what’s wrong and i’ll try to fix it, “

with a ghost of a nod buck sat back down at the table and it was only after a few moments of silence that eddie realized he was still holding on and regretfully let go and waited for buck to speak.

“ you scared me, “ it was such a simple declaration, something he had heard a hundred times before from his teammates, shannon and even chris but it still felt like a swift punch to the chest. he racked his brain for anything that he could have done to scare buck into this state until he realized the glaringly obvious answer.

“ you mean at the house fire ? “ eddie probed, feeling slight relief when buck’s eyes lifted to meet his, “ okay what was it that scared you ? “ 

“ you, “ buck started, shaking his head once more and this time his own fingers went to rub around his wrist, “ you just .. you don’t just .. jump, eddie. you’re not me, you’re calm and you think and you’re safe and after everything i really need that and today you rushed in there without me, without thinking and i couldn’t do anything to help you and i thought you were d- and it scared me. “

the silence that followed buck’s confession of sorts hung around like a cloud signaling the start of a storm. he wanted to say something, felt the urge to say something that would fix this, that would get rid of the clear upset in buck’s eyes because it was twisting his chest in painful ways. a thousand words flew through his mind, 

i’m sorry, it’s gonna be okay, i’m okay 

but, they all seemed so empty and lacking that all he could produce was a worried gaze and a shake of his head which apparently sent the wrong signal to buck who pulled himself to his feet, stepping back, 

“ like i said, it’s fine. it was stupid. “ buck plastered on a smile that felt entirely wrong and looked nothing like the wide and cheerful grin the blond almost always wore. “ i’m fine. “

it feels like something is slipping through his fingers, something important .. it feels like he’s losing something. once more he reaches out looping his fingers around buck’s wrist and it seems like buck is about to shake him off before he instead pulls him closer. confusion and relief mingle on his features before both are wiped away when bucks grabs his shirt and pulls him forward. the kiss is impulsive, quick and amazing and then its over and buck is staring at him with wide, panicked eyes,

“ i’m sorry, “ was all that seemed coherent enough to escape buck as he backed away and darted out of his grip. he stood there stunned, only his gaze tracking as buck raced away.

“ diaz ? wanna tell me what that was about ? “ was cap’s concerned inquiry as he made his way towards where eddie was stood still frozen, half his attention still turned towards the exit. “ eddie ? “

“ i - i don’t know. “ 

[caralynsmoved]

seriously guys let’s not do this to them, they deserve so much better than to be railroaded by a demanding fandom. it’s just going to upset them and make them uncomfortable. they have been so nice and understanding, they care about us as people and we care about them so please don’t do this. 

*taps podium mic* hey there friends. Just going on record to say that I think trying to start a trending hashtag to ‘make buddie happen’ is a terrible idea:

At best, the showrunners/writers/producers already intend buddie to happen (because really, are we watching the same show? The romantic tropes are everywhere) and the hashtag is just going to read as impatient. Think 200k slow build here, folks.

Or, at worst, the showrunners/writers/producers will find the hashtag irritating and pushy, it will put the fandom in a very bad light, and it will give everyone else more fuel for the age-old “fandoms are the worst, shippers are crazy” argument.

Overall, listen: they know about buddie. Everyone knows about buddie. Either it’s happening, and the hashtag is moot, or it’s not happening, and the hashtag is dangerously annoying. But either way, the hashtag will not change anyone’s mind I can almost guarantee ya that!

Look at fandom history, beyond 911. This kind of behavior usually leaves a bad taste and an umcomfy feeling.

Keep fandom in its fandom spaces ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[caralynsmoved]

so who wants to see a soft&angsty drabble centered around my 9-1-1 oc, quinn callahan, that i’ve hidden to myself, ames, emily and kat ?? she’s fc’ed by kennedy mcmann and i love her angsty little self so i wrote this christmas thing based on a request from ames who i can never say no to and figured hell i was pretty proud of it, why not share it. basics for quinn are that she was raised by her single father who she idolized until seven or eight until he vanished. she was raised in various foster care homes until she aged out. she was constantly getting in trouble with the cops ( mostly athena who developed a soft spot for the girl ) for pulling robin hood moves, going full vigilante and some counts of breaking and entering until finally with athena’s help quinn got her pi license and she’s been full magnum ( minus that god awful mustache ) ever since. so, yeah i kind of love her and thought why not finally share her with the tumblr world. 

[caralynsmoved]

it’s human nature to miss what’s right under your nose

fandom: 911onfox

characters: bethany flynn ( original female character ), evan “ buck “ buckley, tommy kynard, fire fam, original male characters. 

relationships: bethany flynn/tommy kynard, evan “ buck “ buckley/eddie diaz ( supporting ), maddie buckley/howie “ chimney “ han ( supporting and adorable ), bobby nash/athena grant ( supporting ), hen wilson/karen wilson ( supporting and amazing )

rating: general audiences, teen

setting: i guess post season two since that’s when beth appears and maybe leading into season three ? 

∞

“ again ? “ 

“ sorry, beth. “ aidan, the man behind the counter at the coffee shop she’s fallen in love with apologizes like he’s been apologizing because the pumpkin muffins were gone .. again. “ guy took the last two an hour ago, you just missed him. “ 

“ sorry beth stops feeling sorry four muffins ago, “ a pout colored her features as she ordered her vanilla latte and blueberry muffin as a consolation prize, “ i’m going to find this muffin thief one day, “ 

“ of course you are, justice will be served ! “ aidan calls after her, raising a stirrer in the air as she raises her own cup in answer as she leaves. 

“ huzzah ! “ 

∞

“ still no pumpkin muffin huh, pumpkin ? “ buck teases her with the smile she knows means he’s holding back laughter at his own joke and she throws a napkin at his head, “ come on, that was hilarious ! “ 

“ you really need to learn what that word actually means, dork. “ beth said, refraining from letting out the laugh that would give buck vindication on his awful jokes, “ and no, the muffin thief struck again and aidan did nothing but let him have it ! “ 

“ you mean he actually let someone buy a muffin and then gave it to him ? “ buck affected a mock horrified look, “ i can’t believe he just did his job like that ! the horror ! “ 

“ you know when casey phillips said you tripped him i said he was lying and backed you up, you could at least pretend to do the same for me, best friend. “ beth said, kicking her shoes off as she took a seat next to him on the couch. 

“ that was in second grade and he was lying ! “ buck exclaimed, with all the offense someone could muster over a 12 year old argument, “ casey was a complete klutz ! “ 

“ of course he was, it’s why he was the only third grader to become equipment manager instead of playing gym with the rest of us. “ beth said, picking at the remains of her muffin before rolling up the wrapper and laying it on the table, “ what i’m saying is i was on your side so you’re supposed to be on mine and not mr. muffin thief. “ 

“ fine, i’m sorry, “ buck said, making sure he was not sorry at all as he spoke with a familiar smirk, “ do you want me to stake out the muffin shop, find the first customer who buys a pumpkin muffin and hold him upside down by his ankles until he apologizes for his crimes against humanity ? “ 

“ let’s save it in our back pocket but, i like we’re you’re going with this. “ beth said, nodding as she drummed her fingers along her leg, “ for now, i’m thinking a more verbal approach, “ 

“ you’re a crazy person, you know that ? “ buck said, the words undercut by the amusement and affection in his eyes, “ an absolute crazy person and athena’s not going to bail you out like moms did. “ 

“ but, i’m your crazy person. “ beth said with a dimpled grin as she leaned over and pressed a kiss against his cheek, “ besides i’m not going to get caught, you’re the one who always gets caught. “ 

“ you know sometimes it baffles me how people think you’re the innocent one in this relationship, “ the blonde said with a near pout, “ you’re like half the reason we get into as much trouble as we do, “ 

“ hey ! you’re the other half of that, buddy, it’s not like you’re some innocent angel yourself, mr. no one will notice if we steal one golf cart as long as we give it back. “ beth said, thumping her foot against his side. 

“ hey, we didn’t even get written up for that one ! “ 

“ because my mom was the arresting officer ! “ beth insisted with a laugh, remembering the look on her mom and her partner’s face when they had stopped the aforementioned stolen golf cart and seen her and buck at the wheel, that had been a lecture for the record books, “ and trust me she was this close to arresting us anyway. “ 

“ lies, mom loves me. “ buck said, reaching over to snag her coffee off the table and take a drink, “ everybody does, it’s the buckley charm. “ 

“ yeah, the maddie buckley charm. “ beth said, under her breath only to hear an overdramatically offended gasp in response. 

“ see, now i’m glad you never get your pumpkin muffin, “ was the petulant response she received, “ maybe the person who gets it is actually super nice to the best person in their life. “ 

“ again, i’m super nice to maddie, i brought her lunch yesterday and we went shopping for boots. “ beth said, playfully oblivious to the point buck was trying to make as she fumbled around for where they had left the remote last night, “ we had a great time. “ 

“ i’m getting a new best friend one day and you’re gonna be heartbroken, “ buck said, full on pouting now as he sank back into the couch cushions, adamantly refusing to help her find the remote even though she knew he was probably the one who lost it. 

“ is that best friend going to be an eight year old boy who thinks you’ve hung the moon ? “ she said as she got off the couch to look underneath it wondering if one of them had fallen asleep with it in their hand during a bout of insomnia induced bingeing. 

“ maybe … but at least he’s got better taste in movies than you do, “ with that he reached over and pulled the remote out of the couch cushions with a smirk, “ and now i don’t have to watch another re-run of the office. “

“ well excuse me, mr. suddenly i’m too good for the hard workers of the dunder mifflin scranton branch, “ 

∞

“ hey, there’s my favorite customer ! “ aidan’s wide smile greets her, overly wide and she quirks a curious brow at the at the door greeting, “ how are you today, bethers ? “ 

“ wondering if i love or hate being called bethers, “ beth quipped, trying to peek past the young man to see what he was hiding from her, “ what are you hiding, aid ? “ 

“ why do you assume i’m hiding something ? “ the affronted look came and went in a second before aidan sighed and moved away to let her move towards the counter, he followed after slowly and made his way behind it, “ okay, fine i was hiding something but it wasn’t my fault ! it was jake ! “

“ liar ! “ came the affronted and maybe a little scared shout from the back where she assumed jake was doing prep. 

“ okay, fine. it was me, but i thought we had more .. apparently our truck isn’t coming until tomorrow, which means … “ he trails off, eyes darting to the bakery case and she already knows what she’s going to see or more likely what she isn’t going to see. 

“ dude, seriously ! “ beth cries, green eyes wide as she stares at the once more empty pumpkin muffin plate, “ we had a pact, you cretin ! “ 

“ nice use of the word cretin, b ! “ jake once more shouts from the back and she moves her glare from the pumpkin case to aidan who threw a empty cup, blindly at the backroom. 

“ thank you, my new favorite barista ! “ she calls back, crossing her arms over her chest which earns her aidan’s puppy eyes. thankfully, though a lifetime of being friends with the buckleys gives one an almost immunity to puppy eyes … almost. she softens just a little. 

“ come on, i’m sorry ! “ aidan cried, arms flailing about as he spoke, “ it was so crazy and i was going to keep one just for you, but then the truck was supposed to be here so i sold it thinking i could make you a fresh batch, but then i didn’t get the memo that truck was going to be late. “ 

“ oh my god, breathe, aid. “ beth said, a laugh threatening to escape her and undermine her totally justified anger, “ just give me a cinnamon roll and call it even, dork. “ 

“ no problem, on the house. “ aidan was quick to place the cinnamon roll into a small bakery box and hand it over, “ vanilla latte, extra whip ? “ 

“ at least no one can steal that from me. “ a pout colors her features as aidan goes about making her latte and she takes a seat at the small section of the counter designated for customers. 

“ did you show her ? did you show her yet ? “ is jake’s excited question as he comes rushing out of the backroom, dark hair a messy tangle and apron covered in flour. jake is nothing if not excitable and adorable as anything, he won her over in seconds with coffee puns and goofy designs in the foam of her coffee, he and aidan are definitely one of the main reasons she’s always come back to this coffee shop. 

“ show me what, cracker jake ? “ it’s become one of their rituals, the million and one nicknames she and jake can come up with for each other and his snort of laughter is almost enough to distract her from his curious question. 

“ the note ! “ aidan sighs with a fond smile as he reaches into the drawer and pulls out a brightly colored sticky note and passes it to her, “ pumpkin muffin guy left it for you ! “ 

“ you got into the chocolate covered expresso beans, didn’t you ? “ was bethany’s question as she reached for the note, “ you know you’re not supposed to after last time. “ 

“ that was an accident that totally wasn’t fueled by the beans besides, that’s not the point ! after like weeks of back and forth, muffin guy left you a note like some sort of scavenger hunt ! “ jake said, growing only more excited and if her heart wasn’t already stubbornly stuck on one dimpled firefighter named tommy jake would have had it in minutes. “ aren’t you the littlest bit excited ? “

“ fine ! maybe i’m a little bit excited if not for the chance to finally know his name and get some revenge. “ beth said with a playful grin as she unfolded the note. 

too slow, babe ! maybe next time ;) 

“ no name ? he can tease and write winky faces like a teenager, but no name ! “ beth dropped her forehead to the counter with a groan and one of the boys reached out to pat her shoulder before she looked up, “ how much do i have to pay to poison his next muffin ? “

“ you know we can’t do that. “ 

“ how much we talking ? “ jake said at the same time aidan protested and the other man reached over to smack his forehead, “ ow ! i mean i’m not allowed. “ 

“ buzzkill. “ bethany groaned once more, sticking her tongue out at them. 

“ well … are you going to say anything back ? “ jake asked, curiously as he poked at her shoulder, “ anything at all ? “ 

“ what would i say back ? thanks jerk for taking away my favorite muffin ? hey thanks for the note, maybe eat that instead next time or ooh ooh how about if you take my muffin again i’ll have my cop mom find you ? “ bethany suggested, picking aimlessly at the remains of her cinnamon roll. 

“ or how about something vaguely less threatening .. maybe a hello or try the blueberry ? “ jake offered with a grin and shrug of his shoulders. 

“ fine, i’ll write something. “ beth said, reaching across the counter to grab the sticky notes and a pen, scribbling out a quick note. 

hope you enjoy it for now, your pumpkin days are over, buddy ! 

“ that works ! “ jake approved and aidan shot her a thumbs up as he tucked it behind the counter, out of sight as she tossed the remains of her pastry and coffee into the trash, “ bye, bethany ! “ 

“ au revoir, jacob ! “ bethany replied with a playful bow as she made her way out of the store and into the early winter morning, a brightly colored post with a winking face still forefront in her mind.

[caralynsmoved]

nothing like a snowy and slow morning at work to write my 911 christmas fic featuring a magical blizzard in la because who cares about the logistics of weather when i can have snowball fights 

[caralynsmoved]

put your hand in mine

fandom : 911onfox characters: bethany flynn ( female original character ) / tommy kynnard, kynn rating: general audiences setting: set between seasons two & three

∞

“ you know there’s no hiding from me, buckley, “ beth poked her head on the other side of the firetruck, trying to catch sight of her wayward best friend, “ i know you better than the back of my hand, “ 

for a moment her green eyes darted upstairs but, there wasn’t much room to hide up there so she moved her attention to the gear room and quietly opened the door almost positive she would spot a blonde buckley hiding amidst the coats trying to get out of his latest therapy appointment. there was a rustle of coats, the sound of breathing and she darted to the back, “ see ! told you i’d - “ 

the victorious smile dropped from her lips when the young man sat on the floor in front of her wasn’t the hidden form of her hidden best friend but, the curled up form of tommys, “ tommy ? “ 

his knees were pulled to his chest, one arm slung loosely around them and the other fisted tight in his dark hair and there was a look on his face; something lost and hurting and maybe even angry that caught her attention, but more than anything it was the sheen of tears in his normally bright eyes that had her kneeling down in front of him, “ hey .. “ 

it was like at first he hadn’t even seen her before she spoke. he looked at her for a second before he seemed to almost come back to himself with a shake of his head, rubbing his hands over his face, " oh, he-hey beth. "

concern blossomed in her chest and she moved a little closer. tommy was usually bright and loud, running around like an excited puppy so to see him looking so quiet and sad felt wrong, made something in her ache at the sight, " hey, you okay ? "

" course, i'm fine, " the frown on her features grew even more at the strained smile he gave her and when he moved to get up she was grabbing his hand without really thinking about just feeling this need to soothe his distress.

" you can talk to me you know ? " she said, green eyes sincere, " if you want, i'm here and i’ve been told i’m a pretty good listener. " 

a few different emotions crossed his features before the strained smile fell away and he moved to sit back down, " i'm fine “

“ because most people who say they're fine are always totally fine, " beth said, an odd combination of concern and frustration on her face. if anything the words got at least a strangled laugh out of tommy and the sad sound drew her closer and she sat down next to him, her shoulder flush against his, " so, how fine are you, tommy ? "

he looked at her with this almost guarded look before it fell away to an open vulnerability that made air catch in her chest for a moment before he looked away, resting his chin on his knees, " not so fine, i guess. " 

“ you want to talk about it ? “ she offered, pulling her own knees up against her chest wondering how this wasn’t uncomfortable, how it seemed so normal and easy to sit here with her shoulder against tommys with her hand still holding his. 

“ not really, “ he admitted before letting out a long sigh, “ should i ? cap always says talking about it is better but, honestly, i really don’t want to. “ 

“ okay. “ she nodded simply and she wasn’t sure if it was because of the sad turn of his lips or break in his voice but, she found herself stroking her thumb along his hand, “ i mean bobby’s not wrong, sometimes talking about it does help but if you’re not ready that’s okay, too. “ 

“ that’s it ? no pushing me to talk ? just an its okay ? “ he looked baffled almost at her conscencion, like he couldn’t understand how she was just content with his desire to not talk about whatever it was that had him so upset, “ really ? 

a short confused laugh escaped her as she looked at him, “ of course, really. “ she let out another soft laugh before looking away letting out a readying sigh before speaking, “ look, i’ve had some stuff happen to me too, not the same stuff as you, but it’s a lot and sure sometimes talking about it is nice, i talk about some things with my moms or buck, but sometimes the stuff just wants to stay inside for a little while. nothing wrong with that. “ 

“ thanks. “ the grateful and almost shy smile he sent her way definitely didn’t make her heart flip a thousand times inside her chest, not at all, not even a little bit, “ really, thanks. i like talking with you. “ 

“ you know what, tommy ? i kind of like talking with you too, “ she said, tilting her head back against the wall and then turned to face him, “ when you’re not driving me crazy, that is. “ 

“ haha, “ this time his laughter was easier, sounded less strained and she could see some of the tension falling away from his shoulders and even with the realization she was still stroking her thumb along his hand she really didn’t want to let go, “ keep it up, i know you like me, flynn. “ 

“ and just like that all the good feelings are fading .. “ she said, with that amused and silly smile of hers that tommy always seemed to bring out of her, “ funny how that works huh ? “ 

“ you say fading, i say the opposite, “ she felt tommy slide impossibly closer, looking down once more at their hands still laced together with this soft smile and he seemed to be ready to say something else before there was the sound of the truck entering the house and then chim’s loud call of his name and whatever he was about to say passed, “ i gotta go but, thanks again. maybe next time, beth, we can do this over a drink. “ 

“ if you’re lucky, maybe even two drinks. “ she said, pulling her hand away from his and before she could stand tommy leaned over and pressed a kiss, sweet and soft against her cheek, lingering for just a moment before he pulled away with just a breath between them. 

“ i don’t know, i’m actually feeling pretty lucky, “ he quipped with a grin before standing and making his way out of the gear room and up the stairs with the rest of the team. 

beth let herself sit there feeling incredibly ridiculous as she raised her fingers to her cheek for just a moment before shaking her head with a sighing laugh. the blonde pulled herself to her feet and made her way out of the room herself and paused at the bottom of the stairs where she could see upstairs where tommy was stood over bobby’s shoulder who was stirring a pot on the stove. 

“ hey, beth .. didn’t think you were stopping by today, “ chimney’s warm voice greeted her and she nodded, “ if you’re looking for buck, he’s stopping by dinner with maddie. “ 

“ yeah, didn’t think i was either, things change, you know. “ she watched tommy give her a smile from the kitchen before he was given the spoon to stir by bobby and his overexcited smile once more definitely did not make her heart do flips in her chest, “ besides, i have a best friend to shake some sense into anyways and then if i’m lucky maybe drinks with this guy. “ 

“ ooh, finally got a date, beth ? “ she saw the amused look flicker between hen and chim at the woman’s playful tease, “ someone special ? “ 

beth looked upwards at the kitchen once more with a soft smile curving her lips, “ yeah, yeah he is. “ 

[caralynsmoved]

care

fandom: 911onfox characters: evan “ buck “ buckley, bobby nash, athena grant, maddie buckley, ( the fire fam and christopher are mentioned )  relationships: evan “ buck “ buckley & bobby nash, athena grant/bobby nash, mentions of evan “ buck “ buckley/eddie diaz, maddie buckley/howie “ chimney “ han rating: general audiences warning(s): mentions of attempted self harm, no actual self harm in this story but it is assumed and mentioned quite a few times in the beginning of the story and will be brought up throughout the course of it. be safe !  setting: set during 3x06 “ monsters “ but goes au pretty much as soon as bobby shows up to the hospital.

“ hello ? “ 

“ is this robert nash ? “ a female voice he doesn’t recognize on the other end asks and bobby feels his brows knit together as he steps away from the sink where he had been washing up last night’s dishes, unable to close his eyes without his mind racing. 

“ speaking, “ he says warily, wiping his hands on a dish towel before he moves to hold his phone more securely from where he had had it resting in the crook of his shoulder. 

“ i’m calling from cedars-sinai, an evan buckley was admitted early this morning and you’re listed as his next of kin, he - “ 

“ what ? “ the confused and immediately worried question slipped past his lips as he started to look around for his keys, “ is he okay ? “ 

concern clawed at him as he thought of buck’s eager face, the deflated set of his shoulders, the plea in his voice and how last night as he walked away the confused worry on buck’s face, how he couldn’t believe bobby’s care for him. he had been angry and hurt, letting his feelings overshadow his love for buck and now buck was hurt and once again it might have been all his fault because for all his talk and thoughts of wanting to protect the younger man all he had seemed to hurt him more. 

“ he’s stable, he cut himself and because of the blood thinners he was on he needed a transfusion - “ 

all of the woman’s other words were drowned out in a rush of white noise, static rushing to fill the void as the words he cut himself, he cut himself .. he cut himself echoed. maybe there was a rational explanation, maybe buck had simply nicked himself shaving or broke a glass but … but. there was a voice in the back of his head telling him that buck had been through so much lately, lost so much and sure they had been there for most of it, but after a while buck really had been going through it alone, the second recovery after the pulmonary embolism, the tsunami, the lawsuit … buck had been convinced he was doing it all alone and maybe one some level they had let him. guilt curled around his ribs like a familiar vice and he forced himself to breath, if that had happened, if buck was so hurt that he had done this then the kid needed him, them, now more than ever and this time he wouldn’t let himself be pushed away, wouldn’t convince himself that buck was okay, he’d there, they all would. 

“ I'll be right there, “ bobby was quick to hang up the phone, pocketing it as he finally spotted his keys hung up on the rack and was out the door and down the driveway before it could even swing shut.

∞

“ mr. nash ? “ 

the call of his name stopped bobby’s pacing and his debates over whether to call his wife or maddie or anybody, but every time he thought about what to say the words dried up in his throat and now at least he could put those aside for now, “ how is he ? is he okay ? can i see him ? “ 

“ take a breath, mr. nash. “ the doctor instructed him not unkindly, “ i’m doctor rice, i’m the one who treated him. your son’s going to be just fine, I can take you to see him right now, if you’ll just follow me. “ 

“ thank you, “ the words seemed hollow, seemed not enough as he spoke them but, she seemed to understand, once more giving him a kind smile before leading him past the double doors and into a quiet room where the lights were dimmed and it was only when they were in the quiet and he could see buck in his sights that what she had said finally filtered through;

your son’s going to be just fine

when she had first said that he had just focused, clung to the fact that buck was going to be okay that he hadn’t even really registered the wording she had used. it wasn’t the first time someone had mistaken buck as his kid, whether teasingly or seriously and he usually just shook his head, brushed it off, a few times with a smile, sometimes with a declaration that buck wasn’t his kid, but maybe it finally the weight of everything that had happened, maybe it was sitting across from buck at arbitration having their relationship pieced apart, maybe it was his wife’s words, maybe even it was the way buck looked at him with worry and fear when he had told him to go home, but maybe it was mostly standing in his kitchen with a nurse telling him that his kid was hurt...

… he just didn’t correct them this time, held onto it for just a little while longer. 

the early morning light filtered through the pale curtains of the room and cast a pale glow over the sleeping young man curled up in the chair.

“ like i explained he needed a transfusion just to be safe and antibiotics. after he was all cleaned up he crashed, been in and out since. “ 

bobby nodded, making his way to buck’s side, resting a shaky hand on the side of his face not hidden in the blankets and finally breathes. buck for his part snuffled in his sleep, leaning into the touch with the softest of sounds like nothing was wrong at all anymore. 

oh, kid … 

“ he should be fine to leave once he’s up, cuts were sealed up and he ran out the antibiotics and transfusion, just need to sign him out. “

“ thank you, really, thank you, “ she reached out to lay a hand on his shoulder with a sympathetic smile, “ i’ve been really worried about him, lately. “ 

“ i think we always worry about the ones we love, no matter how old they get, “ doctor rice said, shaking her head with a soft laugh, “ but your kid ? you don’t have to worry too much, he’s a hero, saved that guys life last night and the woman’s too, neither of them would have made it too long if he hadn’t found them when he did. “ 

confusion washed through him at her words and he found him fishing for words, all the thoughts that had been lurking and growing in the dark recesses of his brain falling away in the realization of her words, “ he didn’t … he didn’t do this ? “ 

similar confusion played across the doctor’s features before realization dawned and she immediately shook her head, eyes wide, “ oh, oh mr. nash i am so sorry i thought the nurse had explained his injuries, i had no idea .. “ she shook her head once more, features firm as she explained, “ your son didn’t hurt himself, from what i understand he found a woman with a man through her windshield of all things. the woman herself had a bleed in her brain and the man was in need of serious care as you can imagine and he managed to pull them over and keep them stable until help arrived, he saved their lives. “ 

“ it’s what he does, “ bobby said, a lump in his throat and a sad smile crossed his lips, fingers gentle as ever stroking along blonde curls, “ drives me crazy sometimes with it, “ 

“ don’t they all, “ was the fond response he got as she walked away, clipboard held to her chest, “ i’ll give you two the room, whenever he’s up just let the charge nurse know and they’ll set up with discharge. “ 

[caralynsmoved]

more than just a friend

i. i’m scared i’ve never fallen from quite this high falling into your ocean eyes ii. i wanna be alone alone with you does that make sense iii. i won’t mind even though i know you’ll never be mine iv. i can’t have you, no like you have me v. oh, oh i wanna find a home and i wanna share it with you vi. and are we there yet home home home vii. and i need you to know i’m not asking for a miracle but if love is enough could you let it show viii. i’m fighting for you i’m hiding for you but it’s killing me to love you ix. cause i was lost at sea while the waves were dragging me underneath x. i had a dream about a burning house xi. can you keep me close can you love me most xii. tried to rearrange did you feel that everything was strange xiii. he said in my heart and in my head tell me why this has to end xiv. all my nightmares escaped my head bar the door please don’t let me in xv. this is enough now says the shape of your brow xvi. and is this what you call love love love this is what i am thinking of xvii. caught before i hit the ground tell me i’m safe you’ve got me now xviii. it comes and goes in waves it always does xix. tell me we weren’t just friends this doesn’t make much sense

[caralynsmoved]

on today’s episode of my feels be wildin. 

two ghosts by harry styles is giving me all the eddie.shannon feelings kiddos 

we’re not who we used to be, we’re not who we used to be ..

the fridge light washes this room white moon dances over your good side and this was all we used to need ...

.. and to be quite honest it’s wrecking the hell out of me 

[caralynsmoved]

do you ever just think about how much eddie trusting him with christopher means to buck ?? i mean for most of buck’s life nobody has trusted him with really anything especially not anything as precious and amazing as their child and eddie ? eddie does. eddie who has heard all the stories of buck 1.0, who was on the full receiving end of buck’s tantrum when they met, eddie who has seen him at his lowest and worst, eddie who stood  and still trusts him completely and honestly with christopher,  with the most special part of his heart the way nobody ever has before. like do you ever think about that especailly when buck is sort of lost after abby leaves, after maddie comes back, after trying to be buck 2.0 and eddie swoops in, eddie who is reserved, in a new place with parents who don’t think he can do this, a wife who ( while yes dealing with her own trauma and issues because there is no hate for shannon diaz on this blog  ) , just coming off an extremely traumatic part in his life, and puts his trust in buck, puts him into their little family giving buck that safe ground, that stability that he’s wanted more than anything in such a long time. 

and i rambled a lot here and i’m probably going to meta about how much it means for eddie to trust buck at all, how much it means for him to let himself need buck not only for christopher but for himself, but i’ve had this thought for like a while and i needed to get it out so i can finally get this writing done without constantly coming back to this thought tbh.