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myhahnestopinion · 8 years

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The Night AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL, UNCOMMITTED, FOREVER BLUE MAN Came Home: ETERNAL EVIL (1985)

Two more days... Just two more days ‘til Halloween... Just two more days until this unrelenting unleashing of frivolous film-making and hackneyed horror comes to an end. As much as I’ve enjoyed mocking these terrible films (and I hope you have enjoyed reading them), I’m ready for this journey into horror’s weird and terrible to be over. I don’t know how much longer I can handle watching these incompetent, insensitive, and irredeemable movies pile up. I mean, how can there possibly be this many examples of incompetent film-making out there? How can no one learn from another’s mistake? There has to be an end to this all eventually, right? I mean, nothing is eternal, right?

Oh. I see. Well, here we go again, I guess.... I gotta say, I have such high hopes for 1985′s Eternal Evil. The film once again centers on a man who learns astral projection, and delivers the same kind of thrilling sequences from this power that we got in yesterday’s film. The movie is also directed by George Mihalka, who you may recognize as the director of 1981′s My Bloody Valentine. Mihalka not only failed to learn from his mistakes that turned that film into a nonsensical mess, but managed to get even worse.

The film’s opening is nowhere near on par with Mihalka’s delightfully ludicrous opening in My Bloody Valentine. The scene here is just as nonsensical, but without any of the fun. We see a man, Paul Sharpe, sleeping on a couch, cut together with shots of a camera dynamically zooming around the house and eventually the countryside outside. The crane shots here indicate a much higher budget and level of ambition than seen in The Astral Factor, but once again we are stuck with the POV camera angle of our killer, as a dog and a man stare horrified at us as we hover above them. This entire scene is four minutes long, and nothing exciting whatsoever happens.

Luckily, the next part is much more interesting. We cut to a shirtless, fat, mustachioed old man who begins to cry like a baby. He’s literally crying like a baby, as he’s acting in a diaper commercial centered on an grown man pretending to be an infant who wants his parents to buy this new brand, which is being directed by Paul Sharpe. Yeah, not exactly the next Don Draper. After filming, Paul visits his psychiatrist, Dr. Meister. Apparently , Paul is a super talented, deeply misunderstood and underappreciated movie director. Huh, wonder what Mihalka is trying to tell us with this character. So, Dr. Meister asks Paul what’s bothering him today, and Paul plainly states that he’s been experimenting with astral projection again. Paul explains that it fills him with energy and a sense of freedom, is the only thing that get’s him through the day, and tries to pressure Dr. Meister into trying it. Honestly, the whole conversation could easily be about drugs, I’m not sure. Dr. Meister fails in his psychiatric responsibilities and says he’s delighted that Paul feels that way. Come on, dude! Friends don’t let friends do astral projection!

Later, Paul falls asleep, and we once again cut to some swooping camera shots as we watch Dr. Meister preparing to go home for the evening. Just as I was about to comment that some of the camerawork is actually solid, the camera begins to spin wildly out of control. Our POV shot takes us right next to Paul’s face as he looks up at us, and begins to run. For some reason, everyone in this movie is able to see this astral projected form, and yet the film itself refuses to show us. Eventually, the camera corners him against the elevator, and Dr. Meister... holds his hand up to his throat.... and dies....

Oh, great. It’s another one. Hooray...

Paul’s family decides to go on a vacation to visit his wife’s father in the countryside... which amounts to about two minutes of screen-time. Why do we need this vacation subplot if it only lasts two minutes? Because it reveals that his wife’s father is the man who stared as the camera in the opening! Why did they make him live all the way out in the countryside, if the film didn’t even want to revolve around this vacation subplot? Because they needed to show that Paul can travel great distances through astral projection! This is how storytelling works, right? So, the father-in-law is suspicious, because he believes that the blue ghost thing he saw was actually Paul. However, the film continues to refuse to show us Paul’s astral form, presumably to imply that this inhuman, awe-inspiring form is better left as a implication, and not because they didn’t have any budget for this crap. The massive budget is once again on display in the scene where the father-in-law is choked by the invisible forces of a POV camera.

What can generously be called the “plot” from here on out becomes a bizarre splattering of scenes and vignettes, which miraculously have all the necessary pieces to tell a competent story, but these pieces are broken up, left to languish, and assembled so poorly that you can only ever get a fleeting glimpse of what the director was aiming for. It’s like we’re watching the unfathomable astral form of what this movie was meant to be.

After his two-minute-weekend, Paul is back to work, and we’re introduced to his partner at the production agency. I don’t know how he made it to such a high position, considering he apparently can’t even manage a reel of film without rendering it unplayable (though if someone had left him in charge of managing this film’s reels, I wouldn’t have complained). He has some subplot about marrying his secretary, Helen, who tries to seduce Paul. It takes up a considerable amount of screen-time, and amounts to nothing. The two are shown making another commercial though, this time of a housewife complaining about all the work she has to do, before revealing that its an ad for a housewife simulator video game. See, video games are for women too, just so long as they don’t allow them any escapism from the dominating forces of their lives! Man, how do these two come up with all these great, persuasive commercial ideas!

There’s another subplot running through about Paul’s son, Michael, who hears some faint whispering. It should have been a fairly standard “little kid has an evil imaginary friend” story, but since the film spends so little time with it, it essentially summed up as: kid with no personality traits draws pictures of what he calls “The Blue Man,” before deciding one day to break into his parent’s basement and drink bleach. Considering that the “Blue Man”’s usual method of killing is just invisible heart-attacks though, I’m still not convinced that the kid actually heard voices at all, and isn’t just a complete moron. Anyway, the mother tries to get the kid to throw up, before being attacked by the invisible POV camera man.

Another one of these concurrent subplots is Paul’s continued search for meaning. He goes to visit the woman who taught him astral projection, Janus. Paul complains that he can’t control his destinations when astral projecting. “I think you should be happy you can travel outside your body,” replies Janus. Yeah, dude, stop being so ungrateful! I mean, you may be accidentally murdering people in your sleep, but at least you can do that! When he meets Janus again later, he asks “Is it possible to harm someone unwillingly?” “Unwillingly,” she replies, “or willingly?” Um, pretty sure he said unwillingly, stupid lady! Did he stutter?! (Yes, I know what she meant, but the line is such trash writing that I have to call it out). The film tries to suggest that Paul’s unconscious desires are being acted out when he dreams in astral form, which would be a fine direction for the story. And since it would be an perfectly acceptable approach for the film to take, it, of course, does not. But we’ll get to that...

Running through all of this is one cop’s quest to discover how Dr. Meister and the father-in-law died. Unlike the officers in The Astral Factor, Detective Kauffman doesn’t get fingerprints right off the bat, but his detective work proves equally as inconsequential. After visiting Paul because of his connection to both victims, Kauffman decides to rent Paul’s only feature film, “The Wandering Soul,” a documentary about astral projection. Ah yes, documentaries! Perfect source for your police work and your exposition! The doc opens with some voice-over narration by Paul, where he declares that this idea of astral projection “defies all religious beliefs, but in our secular, industrialized society, may be possible.” ....Um, isn’t it normally the other way around...? I’m beginning to see why Paul only got to make one film, before being relegated to commercials. So, in the doc, Paul interviews a couple, William and Monica Duval, who state that they are ancient souls who use astral projection to possess other people’s bodies, allow themselves to live eternally.

Now, here’s the thing about Eternal Evil. That documentary is everything in this film. Yes, you may have thought, like I initially did, that it was just a clunky way to throw some more exposition at us, but you see, that couple he interviewed, who only show up for like a minute during this documentary, are the actual villains of the film.

This is how storytelling works, right?

So, yes, Detective Kauffman discovers that Janus is actually possessed by the spirit of William Duval, because they both said the phrase “life is death is life.” Yes, I know its a fairly meaningless phrase that could be found in fortune cookies everyone, but just accept that this is undeniable scientific evidence that Janus is actually William. Meanwhile, Paul discovers this same thing after visiting his son in the hospital, who tells him all about the “Blue Man”. You see, William/Janus and Monica/Helen were killing off all of the people close to Paul, so that they can make him weak and possess his body. Now you may be saying, “But why possess Paul when he’s not much younger than the body you have right now? And wait, how was it you guys that were killing them? How would Paul have seen all those murders then? Why would the father-in-law have seen Paul in the blue man form then? Why did you introduce your villains this way? What was wrong with the other astral projection plot you had going?” I would respond that you guys need to shut up! IT DEFIES ALL RELIGIOUS BELIEFS, YOU GUYS! YOU’VE GOT TO START THINKING FROM A SECULAR, INDUSTRIALIZED PERSPECTIVE, DON’T YOU KNOW! THIS IS HOW STORYTELLING WORKS, RIGHT?!

So, yeah, remember way back, in my My Bloody Valentine post, when I declared George Mihalka the OG M. Night Shyamalan, who included a unnecessary twist, just for the sake of having a twist, even though it makes the otherwise acceptable story fall completely apart? Well, I rest my case!

So, yeah, I’m still not exactly sure what the plot of this movie is, but I think we’ve reached the climax. Paul and Office Kauffman arrive at Janus’ place at the same exact time, and get into a scuffle, which ends with Paul kneeing Kauffman in the groin five times. I mean, dude, there’s effective, and then there’s sadistic... So, Paul heads in alone to confront Janus, who tries to persuade him to willingly giver her his body. “I will make you the great filmmaker you always knew you could be,” she offers. Yes, the central conflict of this film is a man who feels lost because his skills don’t match-up with his ambition, so all his films turn out poorly. Sound like anyone we know? No, of course not... I know I said I rested my case, but this is like the original version of M. Night Shyamalan in Lady in the Water. At least George Mihalka has the decency to cast some one else in the role!

So, as Paul talks to Janus, Kauffman sneaks in holding a shotgun. He walks slowly towards the two... very slowly... very, very, slowly... I mean, did this guy hit his cue too early? Anyway, he’s attacked by the secretary, who’s actually Janus/William’s wife, and shoots her. Janus lunges at him, and he stands then motionless, even as she begins to forcefully choke him. As she chokes Kauffman, Paul walks up with a pistol and blows her brains out. ...He.... he just walks up.... and blows her brains out... Um...uh... that’s our hero!

So, that’s it. Yes, once again a plot all about astral projection is solved by the power of bullets! Man, if only these people had a way of leaving their vulnerable, human bodies... Huh. Anyway, we cut to a scene of Paul and his son Michael biking through a park and getting ice cream. “I still miss mommy,” Michael says from out of nowhere, because... character arc...? This is how storytelling works, right...? Right....?? Anyway, he is informed that Kauffman left the force and went on vacation. We cut to... Japan?... where Kauffman writes a letter to Paul. “Pleasant Dreams,” he writes, before signing the note “Janus.” Oh man, Janus possessed him! Didn’t see that coming, did you?

Wait, but why would he sign it “Janus” if Janus was actually William all along?

Oh, that’s right. Because Janus was an actual character, whereas William was some random dude who showed up in a movie-within-a-movie for two minutes, before being exploited for a nonsensical twist ending!

For a movie called Eternal Evil, the film is certainly rushed for time. It had all the ingredients to make a coherent, perhaps even interesting, film, but it’s so indifferent assembled to ever work. It feels like the movie is three different films at once: 1 - A movie about a man who feels lost, turns to astral projection, and start unconsciously murdering people. 2 - A movie about a couple who possess other people’s bodies so they can live forever. and 3 - A film about a little kid with a supernatural best friend that manipulates him. Lumping all of these different direction together, alongside pointless subplots, causes the film to feel both overstuffed and underdeveloped. Much like Lady in the Water though, the film has a certain aching charm. Like that M. Night Shyamalan film, Eternal Evil is literally and figuratively about a director struggling with his inability to produce the great art he envision. Though both films attempt to end on a happy note, both are undeniably tragedies, as their actual directors had the misfortune of placing this story arc in some of the most prominent examples of inept directing you can find. Evil may be eternal, but these crappy movies are doomed to oblivion.

Eternal Evil is available to stream for free on TubiTV, to stream on Amazon Prime, and is on DVD.

Tomorrow: The Night SOME UNAVAILING, BENIGHTED, ZEALOUS, NON-SEQUITUR NAZI-LOVING DEVIL-WORSHIPERS Came Home...

#film #TheNightXCameHome #Halloween #EternalEvil

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