#especially without just completely fucking up the severed guys that apparently just permanently live there???

[calypsolemon]

Man. What the hell do they do if there's a fire on the severed floor

[eyeofthedrgn]

A Heavy Battle Symphony Chapter 14

Trigger warning: language, mental abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, violence, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, self harm, self-esteem issues, sexual abuse (only alluded to briefly in future chapters), drinking (comes up late in the story) just a lot of trauma, angst, smut

Word count: 3407

Chapter 14 - Sharp Edges

Sharp edges have consequences

I guess that I had to find out for myself

Sharp edges have consequences

Now every scar is a story I can tell

His mother was staring at him in disbelief.

"What the fuck was that, Rowan?"

He blinked at his mother, she had never cursed at him before.

"What do you mean?" He got defensive. "I think I'm allowed to be upset if my boyfriend doesn't tell me what he's been up to for the last, however long."

His mother's eyebrows shot into her hair. "Wow, Rowan. Wow."

She grabbed her box from the bag and left Rowan to stew in the living room.

---

Lorcan was laying on his floor, bleeding on an old towel. He was finally numb after a couple hours. All he could feel was the sting in his arms. His head was a little fuzzy.

There was a knock on the door.

"Lor, can we talk? Please?"

Lorcan closed his eyes and ignored the man he had been wanting to see for months. Things weren't going the way they were supposed to. So much for being proud of himself.

++++

It was the next day and Rowan still didn't understand what the big deal had been yesterday. He hadn't seen Lorcan all day and he was getting frustrated. Rowan was only here for a week and they were wasting time over this.

So, Rowan called Aelin. He needed to vent. He didn't feel like he was being unreasonable. But apparently, he was being an asshole. Aelin cussed him out and told him he was a stupid shit. Aelin had gotten Elide on the line, and she also ripped Rowan a new one.

"If I were there, I would slap you. You are ridiculous. Lorcan found a hobby using your dad's old tools and made you something. He wanted to surprise you and your mom. Why on earth do you think you have any right to be mad at him?! Lorcan probably thought he was being sweet! And for the record, he was!" With Aelin defending him, Rowan knew he was in the wrong, but he still wasn’t grasping why. He was pacing in his room.

"Yeah, Ro. I did that with Manon, I learned how to crochet without her knowing and made her a scarf. She was so excited when I gave it to her." Elide sighed. "Rowan, what made you so upset anyway?"

"Fuck, I don't know. It made me feel like I don't know him.” He ran his hand through his hair as he continued his pacing. “That he could just do so much without me knowing."

"Are you saying you don't trust him?"

"What? No!"

Silence.

"Really, guys?"

"Well.." Elide was holding something back.

Aelin chimed in, "He's been through hell, he's only ever felt safe around you. He went to you when he got out of the hospital after he almost died!" The last word was overly emphasized. "Can't you understand that he probably just wanted to feel confident in something before he told you about it. He probably didn't want to be hounded about his progress. This is the first thing he's done for himself, Rowan! Let him have this thing!" She was basically yelling at him at the end.

He didn't know what to say. Especially since Aelin was on Lorcan’s side. She hadn't ever really liked the boy.

"You are being selfish."

He was. Fucking Hel.

"You're right. You're right. Gods damn it. I need to go."

They both said bye and hung up.

He walked over to Lorcan's door again.

"Love?" He knocked. Nothing. "I was an asshole. A selfish asshole. Can we please talk?"

He heard the bathroom door behind him open and turned to see Lorcan behind him. He was wearing one of his ratty old hoodies that had been too big for him before and a pair of sweats. His face was blank, not a hint of emotion.

"You're a prick." He pushed past Rowan and shut his door in his face.

He stared at the door. "I guess I deserved that."

His mother walked by him to the stairwell carrying a basket of laundry. "Give him some time and maybe cool off a bit more yourself. Come help me with lunch."

He looked back at Lorcan's door with a sigh as he followed his mother to the kitchen.

---

Lorcan laid curled up in bed. His stomach growled, but he ignored it. After rebandaging himself, he had found Rowan at his door. The desire to filet his arm flooded his mind. He just called Rowan a prick and shut himself away again. He couldn't handle it right now.

It felt like all the progress he made was just reversed. Here he was floating yet again in his own ocean of despair.

There was a soft knock on his door that interrupted his thoughts. "Lorcan, dear?" It was Barb. "I brought you some food."

He got up and opened the door. She gave him a sad smile.

"Can I have a hug?" His voice was no more than a whisper.

"Of course, love." She hugged him and he cried on her shoulder. Her hand made soothing circles on his back.

They stayed like that for a while. Lorcan finally pulled away, wiping his face with his sleeve, he said, "I'm sorry I got your shirt wet."

"Nonsense. Come here." She shut Lorcan's door and went to sit on the edge of his bed. Patting the spot beside her. Lorcan obeyed, looking at his hands on his lap.

"Rowan has had trust issues for most of his life. The few boyfriend's he's had have cheated on him or ghosted him. So, I assume he thinks that since you didn't tell him about this, that you won't tell him other things." Lorcan's brow furrowed. "You had every right to keep your new hobby a surprise. Rowan overreacted. Sometimes, he's a little selfish." She gave his knee a squeeze.

Lorcan thought back to Solstice break when Rowan tried moving too fast for him. He sighed. Selfish indeed.

"I know you're upset, love. But I do think you two should talk. He's only here for a week."

Barb got up and left. The door clicked shut.

++++

Rowan didn't know what to do. Lorcan wasn't talking to him, he had already done some chores and worked out for an hour. So now, he was standing in the kitchen stealing cookie dough out of the bowl.

His mother hit his hand as he went for more dough. "Out! I'm tired of your moping! I don't want to see you again until you two make up! Go!" She shooed him and his semi-permanent frown away.

He decided to go outside. The fresh air should do him good. He wandered around the backyard. The trees were blossoming, the flowers were blooming. It was a beautiful sunny spring day, but he felt hollow.

After several minutes, he found himself in front of his dad's shop. The light was on and the door was cracked. Pushing open the door, he found Lorcan hunched over a piece of wood with a carving chisel and mallet in his hands. He had headphones on, completely oblivious to the world around him.

Lorcan blew on the work in front of him and wood chips flew. The chisel met the wood again. Rowan just watched him work for a while. It was relaxing. His boyfriend looked like he belonged here. Honestly, it reminded him of his father. Gods he had been so fucking stupid yesterday.

Waiting until Lorcan was brushing away wood chips, he knocked on the door frame. Lorcan looked up. His lips pressed into a thin line. Any emotion he had had while carving, left his face the moment their eyes met. It made Rowan’s heart drop to his stomach.

"Hey," Rowan said tentatively.

Lorcan just set the chisel and mallet down then took his headphones off after tapping the pause button on his phone, and set them next to his work. He lowered his eyes. It hurt that Lorcan didn't even want to look at him. Rowan took a deep breath as he took a couple steps into the shop.

"I'm a huge fucking selfish asshole. I was stupid and immature and wasn't thinking of you. Aelin, Elide, and Mom told me I was an idiot. And they're right. You were right to call me a prick. I let my insecurities get to me. I had a gut reaction to assume that maybe I wouldn't be able to trust you in the future if you were going to keep things from me. But I realize that I'm being stupid. Aelin ripped me a new one for thinking that as did Elide. And I totally deserve it.” He took another deep breath.

"Honestly, I don't feel like I deserve your forgiveness. But I hope-" He swallowed, pausing for a moment to gather his thoughts. "I love you and I'm so fucking sorry." Tears were falling down his cheeks now, Lorcan always made him more emotional than he felt he should be. Lorcan still sat frozen, staring at the workbench. Rowan roughly wiped his tears away before continuing. "I really am proud of you for finding something you enjoy and those boxes you made.. they're fucking gorgeous." He wiped his tears again and sighed.

It felt like ages before it looked like Lorcan would acknowledge him. But then, he shifted and Rowan saw the white knuckles of his fists. He was obviously digging his nails into his palms. Rowan wondered how often he did that.

"I'm-" Lorcan took a deep shaky breath. "I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel right now." He finally looked up at Rowan, his eyes were shiny with tears. "Do you trust me or not? Because if you don't.." His face started to crumple.

"I trust you. I trust you with my life." Rowan's feet finally moved forward, his heart breaking at the hurt on Lorcan's face. "I just let my past relationships control my feelings yesterday. And I'm so sorry. You are nothing like any of my past boyfriends. Nothing. You are the best thing that has happened to me, Lor. I promise." Rowan hoped to the gods that Lorcan believed him. He really wanted to touch Lorcan, but wasn't sure if it would be welcomed.

There was a long pause. The silence was deafening.

Lorcan just nodded. "Do you want to see what I'm working on?"

Rowan sighed in relief and nodded. He knew that was Lorcan's way of forgiving him. Lorcan had never been good with verbalizing words.

The rest of the afternoon he watched Lorcan work. It was really nice hanging out in the shop again, though it made him a little sad that he wasn't watching his father work. He was amazed at the talent that his lover had after only a few months. Lorcan was working on an intricate Celtic knot carving. The way he held the chisel and the small mallet, the way his muscles moved on his forearms, the way his… scars. So many scars. Rowan’s eyes roved over the dozens upon dozens of scars across both of his forearms.

Rowan felt like Lorcan forgot he was here. He had pushed up his sleeves. He never pushes up his sleeves. And now he knew why. How had he not noticed them when they were intimate? The insides of his arms were covered in scars and there were matching bandages on both. Fuck.

Tears instantly welled in Rowan's eyes. His throat tightened, so his voice was higher than it usually was. "Lor?"

Lorcan jumped. He had definitely lost himself in his work. He slowly set the chisel and mallet down. Looking at his arms, he realized what was happening. He pulled his sleeves down and over his hands. He started trembling, he wouldn't look at him. Rowan set his hand on the table in front of Lorcan, palm up, inviting him to stay, to trust him.

---

He wasn't ready for this.

Lorcan had lost himself in his work. It was so easy for him to do. He liked working with his sleeves pushed up, the fabric got in the way otherwise. But he forgot Rowan was there. And now, Rowan knew. He knew. Lorcan wanted to disappear.

Now what? Rowan wasn't running away from him, if anything he was asking him not to run away. Rowan had set his hand on the table, palm up, waiting. Patient.

He was shaking. He released a shaky breath as he grasped the hand waiting on the table. Rowan finally breathed. They just stayed there for several minutes.

Rowan finally broke the silence, "When?" He must have been talking about the bandages. Lorcan dropped his head in shame and embarrassment. He had let his emotions run high and take over last night. He hadn't thought, he just did.

"Did I-" he sucked in a breath. Rowan's voice shook, "I caused those… Oh, gods, Lorcan. I'm so fucking sorry." Rowan's hand tightened and his other hand covered his face as he did his best to hold in his sobs.

Lorcan turned to him, shocked that Rowan blamed himself. He stood and wrapped his arms around Rowan's shoulders, pulling them tight together.

His voice was quiet, "Hey." Lorcan reached up a hand to gently pull Rowan's away so he could see his face. "Hey. Rowan, please don't blame yourself. I let my emotions take over last night. I'm sorry." He placed a kiss on his forehead. "It's not your fault."

"Yes it is." His eyes were so sad. It made his heart ache. "It is. It is." They rested their foreheads against each other. "Can you forgive me? I.. I feel like complete and utter shit. Gods, you shouldn't forgive me. I- fuck.." Rowan's eyes shuttered and tears fell.

Lorcan just wanted him to stop talking. He knew Rowan was sorry, he knew it wasn't Rowan's fault. All he wanted was for Rowan to be happy, that's why he made the damn box in the first place. But right now, he wasn't sure how to fix it. He was terrible at talking. So, he just did what he would want.

He kissed him. Softly. He tried to put his emotions into it, to let Rowan know that everything would be okay. Everything would work out. They would work out because there was no one else for Lorcan.

A moment passed when Rowan didn't return the kiss and Lorcan felt his heart sink, but then he was being pushed up against the wall, open mouthed kisses pressed to his lips. The passion emanating off of Rowan felt like he could reach out and touch it.

They were just a tangle of tongue and lips, hands everywhere, anywhere. Moans and whimpers, their names said as prayers.

Rowan moved to Lorcan's neck and he leaned his head to the side to give the man more access. He needed Rowan. The last two days had been Hel. Lorcan had missed him so much. Having felt so far away from his lover even though they were in the same house was killing him.

Lorcan rolled his hips against Rowan's and the glorious sound that rumbled against his neck, oh, he wanted to bottle it and save it for later.

"Rowan, please." He didn't know what he was asking for. He just wanted more.

Rowan stopped, he whined. His lover's hands cupped his face, looking into his eyes. "Lorcan Salvaterre, I love you more than anything in this world. And I am so incredibly sorry that I caused you pain. And I am so amazingly grateful that you still want to be with me and have me in your life."

Lorcan pressed a soft kiss to Rowan's swollen lips. And another. "You are mine." And with that Lorcan claimed his mouth. His fingers curled into silver hair.

++++

"You are mine."

Rowan's toes curled at the authority in Lorcan's voice. He was at Lorcan's mercy. Somehow, he was against the wall now. Strong fingers were tangled in his hair, their tongues clashed as Lorcan fought for dominance. Rowan let him have it.

As he exposed his neck, it was covered in kisses and licks, grazed by teeth. He shivered, it felt like he couldn't breathe. Lorcan's hands were slow as they caressed his body. They wandered under his shirt, brushed against his nipples, he gasped. Then, they slowly moved down. Down. Farther.

There was the softest caress at the hardness in his shorts. He moaned loudly as Lorcan pressed his hand against him. He sucked in a breath and held it as he rocked his hips against his lover's hand.

He felt Lorcan smile against his neck before an open mouthed kiss was pressed to his burning flesh. "Lor.. love, please."

Lorcan's hand moved up, causing a whine to escape his lips at the lack of contact. But then, strong, calloused fingers slid under his waistband. He paused, a question. "Please."

His hand touched bare skin no one had ever touched before. And it felt so right for it to be Lorcan. He didn't go straight to his cock and that frustrated him, until he realized Lorcan was relishing in the feeling of his skin.

Dextrous fingers fluttered over his hip. Was he breathing? After those beautiful fingers had taken their time memorizing his hip, they then skated slowly down his Adonis belt to where he needed him.

"I love you, Lor."

---

Lorcan's nose brushed up his neck and then he breathed on his ear. "I love you, Rowan." He gripped the hardened, velvety flesh of his lover and watched as his head fell back against the wall as he groaned. His thumb caressed the head of Rowan's cock and hips thrust forward on their own.

"You're so soft." A smile in his voice. Rowan whimpered and melted into Lorcan at his words. "You feel good in my hand." Lorcan claimed Rowan's lips and he stroked the man at his mercy, slow at first, taking his time, enjoying how the taut skin felt against his fingers. Enjoying the noises coming from the glorious silver haired man pressed to the wall in front of him. His green eyes were blown wide with lust. He was sure his looked the same.

He quickened his pace. But only enough to push him just to the edge. Lorcan had been rocking his own hips against Rowan's thigh. He wanted them to come together. And he wanted Rowan's touch to bring him to climax.

He whispered against Rowan's lips, "Touch me." Shock flitted over his face, Lorcan just nodded.

Warm hands gently found his waistband and brushed his skin, he closed his eyes and dropped his head to Rowan's shoulder. He stopped all other movements to focus on Rowan's first touches. Fingers wrapped around him and he let out a guttural moan, it was almost primal. This feeling was nothing like what he thought it would be. It was so much better. He felt Rowan's cock twitch in his hand and he almost was undone right there.

Rowan placed a kiss on his temple and slowly started stroking him.

"Ro. Rowan." His name was just a breath of air as it left his lips.

He started his ministrations back up and brought his lips to Rowan's. After several heated moments, they broke the kiss, foreheads together. They were both close.

"Lor, come for me. I love you so much, I want you to come in my hand."

They were breathing heavily.

Lorcan managed a chuckle as he said, "Only if you come in my hand, love." He pumped his hand faster. "Come for me." Rowan's eyes rolled back and he started spasming as he crashed over that edge. Watching and feeling his love in front of him coming in his grip had him finding his own release shortly after. They milked each other until they were both spent and trembling.

Lorcan collapsed against Rowan. It felt like he just ran a marathon. His legs shook and he couldn't get enough air into his lungs. But fucking Hellas was that worth it. Rowan’s hand on him felt so much better than his own.

He pressed several, slow chaste kisses to his lover's mouth.

"That was.."

"Yeah." Lorcan was on cloud nine. "Yeah." He buried his face in his lover's neck and inhaled the scent of home.

____

Thanks for reading!

@thenerdandfandoms @starlightorstarfire @tanvee1231

[justjessame]

A Little Ass and A Lotta Sass: Chapter 7: Pulling Out All the Stops...Did He REALLY Think That Would Work?

Seriously, I was locked in the terrifying gaze of Negan’s eyes and I was very, very curious as to how I’d NEVER really allowed myself to contemplate how fucking scary he could be. I must have made some sort of noise, or maybe I flinched, all I know is that I did SOMETHING without realizing it and it broke the fierceness of his attention on me. It did not, however, remove the rampant hard on that he was STILL sporting. Shit.

I felt the breath come back into my lungs, had I been holding my fucking breath? When he cupped my cheek, after he yanked the glove off his hand with his teeth, I found myself leaning into his touch. I should be biting him, a part of me screamed, anything to get away from him. The other part of me, the one that actually controlled my body, didn’t agree apparently. I felt his sigh, and his lips kissing my forehead. I felt his entire body begin to relax, and let out another long breath.

Rule Number 1: Laughing at Negan during sexy fun times is a NO NO. Huge no. Let’s not play with that version of fire, at least not yet.

He finally pulled away from me, and I realized that Dad had wandered off during the standoff. I found myself curious as to how long it had lasted. “Rick has the worst timing in the entire motherfucking world.” He leaned against the wall beside me, watching my profile. “Come back with me, Callie, and we’ll never be interrupted again.” He was laying the temptation on thick now.

I smirked. He truly didn’t know me. Really, truly had no fucking idea how bad my luck was at getting caught and being interrupted. Seriously. “And if we were interrupted, I’m sure someone would be punished for it.”

I closed my eyes, realizing that it was more true than I could have allowed myself to believe. The man beside me, so close I could still feel the heat pouring off of him, was exactly the type to kill or maim someone who got between him and his wants. I wondered if that included me, if I had the audacity to walk in on him and one of his other women? Would I be punished so severely that I’d wish I were dead? Or would he mark me, a more permanent reminder than a love bruise on my neck? I’d seen the man who had worn Daryl’s vest with his half ruined face. I heard from Carl’s story of his tour of Negan’s abode what made a face look like that.

“Callie,” it was a cross between a groan and a sigh. “I’m willing to give your people their freedom, or at least most of it. I’m willing to give them peace. For you. Hell, I gave back the redneck because your dad seems so attached.” I knew he was being honest, but to me, it just wasn’t enough of an incentive. “Do you want me to be completely fucking different? Want me to fucking give up my entire life for you? Cause you’re hot as shit, baby doll, but that’s a bridge too fucking far.”

I rolled my eyes, still not looking at him. I didn’t want him to change entirely. There were definitely some very attractive parts of him that I was becoming more than slightly accustomed to. Yet, there were a few things that I couldn’t live with being a part of. ONE huge one, actually. “If I wanted a man to bend completely to my will, I think I would have picked Spencer Monroe.” I huffed out a breath. “You know, the weak and trainable type?” I heard him give a snort. “I don’t want you to be COMPLETELY different, Negan. I just don’t want certain aspects of your lifestyle to be included in mine.” There, I thought, a rational argument for why I couldn’t just pack up and go.

I felt his fingers touch my neck, brushing the skin and feeling the goosebumps develop from his touch. “One part,” it wasn’t a question, so I figured he was coming to the right conclusion. “The others?” Or not, I realized when he ended that part with the question mark dangling.

I finally turned my head to look up at him. “The others.” I answered. “It’s probably not fair, in your mind, that I disagree with your current relationship status. Especially since I’m basically a bartering tool. But it does. And I can’t, no I won’t go there knowing that if I piss you off, or if I’m not in the mood, you’ve got a pack of skittles worth of others to divert you until I become more accommodating.” He was studying me, listening to what I was trying to say. “Look, I know how women act, especially if there’s one alpha male that is releasing ALL the pheromones in the fucking place. They can be more fucking hateful and spite filled than you, your little bat there, and all the guards you have running around like a biker version of the Secret Service.” Vicious, that’s what women like those he was collecting could be, or were, judging by the way he seemed to get exactly what I was saying. “I’d rather piss you off a million times by saying ‘no’ to going back with you, than have to put up with a bunch of possessive bitches who got there first.”

He chuckled, not without a hint of mirth, but also not as boisterous as when he found me funnier than usual. “I can’t deny that they are a handful.” He seemed to be recalling some of their less attractive moments. “They serve a purpose, Callie.” Seeing me roll my eyes at the purpose I imagined, he took my hand in his to get my attention refocused. “Not just fucking, Jesus woman. Most of them I offered to join me to get their men in line.” I noticed he said ‘most’ and not ‘all’ He clearly saw my glare forming. “Yes, the others propositioned me. I won’t deny it, it’s nice to have variety.” My glare was becoming more furious by the minute. “Hey, calm the fuck down. What I’m saying, and clearly fucking not getting through to you, is that not a single one of them is you. I didn’t give up a single fucking thing to get them. Not one. I may keep them in the lap of luxury, but that shit doesn’t really cost me a fucking thing. You, Callie? I’m willing to fucking give up all THIS.” He gestured around us, at the house we were standing in, and knew he meant the entire community. “For you. To take you back and get fucking lost in you.”

I considered what he was saying. I sort of understood. I still didn’t fucking like it. “I’m going to have to-”

“Take more fucking time.” He finished for me, running a frustrated hand down his face again. “Of course you are. It couldn’t possibly become fucking simple now could it?” I stared at him. He truly looked, was that, no. He looked tortured by it. Well, fuck, that’s a new power for me to add to the growing list. I could fucking torture Negan without laying a finger on him.

“You know,” I turned my entire body to him and gave him a small smile. “I’d fucking LOVE to be able to send you off with a bang, on my bed, upstairs.” I saw his dimples come out to play at the mere thought of it. “But some raging asshole with an ego the size of my house stole the bed, and the mattress. And not just mine, every fucking one’s.” Cold water, without a drop of rain, right over top of his fucking head and hope.

He groaned, and reached down for the bat. “I guess I’m gonna have to have a talk with that asshole.” He looked at the bat, almost lovingly, and I wondered if I’d start to feel jealous of a piece of fucking wood. “Lucille and I will go, I guess.”

Wait, did he name his fucking bat? “Lucille?” I choked out, trying desperately not to laugh. “The bat has a name?”

He smiled down at me. “Fuck yeah, she’s got a name.” He held ‘her’ out for my inspection. I was fucking thankful that she was clean, with no noticeable part of my family still showing. “Lucille, meet Callie. Callie, meet Lucille.” I glanced up at him, hoping he wasn’t so fucking crazy as to expect me to actually talk to the fucking thing. “My two dirty girls.” He winked and then whistling he left.

What the literal fuck? He had to be crazy. Had to be a fucking certifiable lunatic. And of course ,I, Callie Grimes, mistress of logic and reasoning, had to find him sexy as hell. Shaking my head, I wandered back upstairs, thinking about the latest meeting with Negan and what he’d told me. And tried, beyond reasonable doubt, to convince myself that going away with a man who thought women were bargaining chips to keep others in line and that a bat had a personality, was actually a good fucking idea.

  How much time did it take for the Big Bad Wolf to come calling again? Two days. Seriously, I had to wonder if he drove back to home base, showered, changed his fucking clothes, and drove all the way back to Alexandria.

Judith and I were rocking on the porch when he approached this time. I nearly laughed at the absolute certainty that Judith would be a far more effective cock block than Dad had been. Especially since she’d be here from the first moment he locked eyes on me.

“That is a fuckin’ picture I want framed.” He greeted me, taking in me and my baby sister. “Fuck, you’re going to be an amazing mama, Callie.” A mother? Well that escalated quickly.

“I think you’re putting the cart way before the fucking horse there, Negan.” I answered, bouncing Judith as I rocked. “Unless you’re thinking of me and some other guy, YEARS from now.”

I saw his eyes squint at the mention of me and someone else, but then his smile was back, like he knew something I didn’t. “Actually, I’m pretty fucking certain that there’s already a chance that you’re possibly halfway, or already there, darlin’.” His dimples seemed to deepen at what I could only imagine was my confused expression. “Think about it, princess, think about it.”

What the fuck was he-shit. Fuck. Well, god-fucking-damn it. I huffed out a sigh as I heard his laughter. The boisterous one. That fucking asshole. Although, actually it had been both of us to absolutely fuck up. Shit.

“How do you know I’m not on any-” I started and his laughter grew. Dickhead.

“Callie, didn’t Carl tell you why he tried to fucking shoot us that first day?” His eyes were actually fucking twinkling at me in amusement. “Must have missed that story, huh? Your sweet baby brother was trying to stop us, me from taking your medical supply.” Shit, fuck, damn it. “Do you really think my fucking guys don’t know what birth control looks like? I mean, they may look stupid, but they’re not.”

“That doesn’t mean-” I considered which way to go with my statement. It doesn’t mean I didn’t have a secret stash of birth control. It doesn’t mean I don’t have an IUD that I got years earlier. It doesn’t mean that there’s the spawn of the spawn of Satan growing in me after one fucking time.

“It doesn’t mean that you’re not, either.” He offered. And I swear to fucking hell he looked like a cat that ate a fucking canary. “When you find out you are, I HAVE to be with you when you tell Rick. That’s a fucking given. I HAVE to see his face when he realizes his first fucking grand-baby is mine.’

I rolled my eyes. “You’re going to be disappointed.” I said, noticing that Judith was watching him with rapt attention. Dear lord, he was like her new favorite toy. “You’re just trying to confuse me with this bullshit, the odds are truly not in your favor.”

He held out his hands to Judith after carefully putting Lucille (did I honestly just use the bat’s name?) down against the banister. And my baby sister, like a true traitor nearly fucking jumped into his arms. He chuckled and kissed her soft hair. Then he took the rocker next to mine, almost like that second time he’d come to Alexandria. “I won’t lie,” his voice was careful, careful to keep Judith feeling warm and fuzzy toward him. “It’d fucking tickle my balls for you to be pregnant with my kid. Like really fucking tickle them. And not just to piss dear old Dad off.” I felt his stare as I was looking over the street in front of us. “You and me? Fuck, that kid would get started off fucking right.”

I couldn’t stop the laugh that had built. Jesus. My mouth and his, on a child. That poor kid. Or rather, anybody who had the misfortune to meet that fucking kid. “I think I’ve just been terrified out of ever wanting kids. With anyone.” I smiled at him and his grin held firm. “Dear God, just imagine that.”

“Oh, I have.” He kissed Judith on her tiny nose. “I fucking have.”

[itsjayyyy]

June 26th, 2019 11:50 am

holy hell it’s been a long time since my last update. First of all: that last update ended at a really climactic moment and I’m mad that I don’t remember what happened next, or even that it ever happened. It’s like reading a book that ends on a cliffhanger and has no sequel.

So I did end up getting everything from the last update resolved. Rose took a week but finally responded with “you’ve made a lot of valid points, I want to work harder to repair our friendship.” Regardless of whether I believe her, at least I had this exchange to hold her accountable. I got my tire changed a week after I said I would. My mechanic looked at it and was like “what the fuck is wrong with you” because the strip became a continuous 2.5-inch wide belt of smoothness. We passed the apartment inspection, but they did charge me the $250 for the pet fee. No big deal tho.

Recently mom has been wanting to move back to michigan. She’s tired of florida and the market is perfect for selling the house now. But dad says he won’t move until he can see for sure that rose gets her degree and can move out on her own terms, financially stable. Mom wants to give rose a hard deadline to move out. I agree with mom, rose is getting far too old to be living at her parent’s home rent free considering she makes almost double what I do, and I’m entirely independent. Like seriously, where is her money going? An ounce of weed a week? Buying her boyfriend a new xbox and games? Fixing her piece of shit car which broke down again a week later? (she wants to buy a stick shift this time. I’m not gonna tell her it’s a bad idea, bc she’ll prob sell it to me for cheap after she gives up learning to drive). Now iris and I are trying to apply gentle pressure on her to get her life together, and by that I mean I lashed out pretty strongly over text and now iris is gonna come by and comfort rose while also subtly agreeing with me.

I just barely passed my classes and kept my scholarship with a 3.008 gpa. tell me that ain’t god’s work. I failed calculus with a whole F again, but I’m gonna really give it a better shot next semester. I *will* at least get a C. 

My comp 2 professor nominated me for the stylus award. I don’t think I’ll win because personally I think my essay was a rushed mess, but it’s nice to know that he thought it was that good. I picked up my portfolio from him, but haven’t reread it yet. Also, I stopped browing r/braincels like I used to. Even after the semester ended, I would still read every post for a long time, but I finally stopped when I felt like my mental health was declining. I mean, I don’t need to keep reading it anyways, the project is over. Sometimes I’ll go back on it and read a few posts, but not often.

This update is just pure procrastination btw. Not only am I procrastinating studying for my two midterms tomorrow, but also because I got back on Tinder last night and got three messages. I’m really an all-or-nothing kinda guy, I don’t like the idea of dating multiple people at once. which apparently isn’t how tinder is supposed to work; some online articles say “it’s best to have 10 conversations going at once” which I hate because it makes people seem so disposable. I swear, straight people treat dating as a business transaction, they’re always trying to shop around and discard what they have for a better thing. Anyways I don’t know how to respond to the messages, especially since I really only want to talk to one person at a time.

So anyways. Last semester ended, the summer semester began. Do you remember the first semester of college, how that one guy at a club meeting was a total creep and followed me (us?) onto the city bus and couldn’t take a hint to leave? Well I’m pretty sure he’s in my comp sci class, and he sits three seats to the left of me and looks over at me like once every 5 minutes. Also, two weeks into the semester, savon figured out I’m in discrete structures and has since then come to sit in on the lectures. And last thursday he loitered around the bookshelves near my seat in the library for an hour. I mean really, is he SO interested in plant diseases that he stared at the spines of the books for a whole hour?? I hate men.

Because of that, I had to study in HPA instead. It brought back memories, from when I thought I wanted to major in social work. Still love that vending machine they have that can make a latte for $1.50, I wish they had more of them on campus. Anyways as I was sitting there, this guy walked past me, then turned around and was like “oh I think you’re in my comp sci class.” He asked what we did in class and tbh it took me a hot minute to remember because my attention span has been shot recently. Dude didn’t even know we have an exam on thursday. He seemed kind of friendly, he’s majoring in computational physics. He asked me what my discord username and I hesitated before telling him bc like 2 hours prior, I said “man, that’s the first time anyone has said they love me in years” (in regards to the professor telling us he loves us).

I’m doing pretty decent in my classes. Definitely gonna get A’s or B’s in them. I’ve become more cordial with my parents too, I visit them once a week/every two weeks-ish. Rose and I had an argument on memorial day. She was basically delegating me to permanent third wheel, because she says she “never gets to act like a couple with peter in front of other people.” Apparently I’m a second-class citizen to “other people” since I’m the one that gets excluded. And it’s even worse considering the fact that rose is pretty much the only person that I talk to these days, like I have no other friends, so the few moments we do hang she wants to ignore me. I told her about this and all of a sudden she started saying “oh well you don’t even care about me anyways” like wow that’s not gaslighting or anything. 

That was about a month ago, and I’ve been in virtually complete isolation since then. I’ve hung out with heather for about two hours total in the last month, and other than that it’s just utter loneliness. Honestly I’m pretty sure my vocal cords are gonna grow weak from disuse; I mean I’ve rarely spoken my entire life and now it’s just getting worse. Severe isolation like this really feels like it’s deteriorating my brain; my memory is getting weaker, I can’t focus, all I think about is how I’m completely ugly and unloveable and nobody wants to be my friend because I’m such a horrible person. 

This lasted for all of gemini season, and at the start of cancer season I just started crying at everything. On sunday before I went to work I started watching she ra on netflix. By the second episode I had already cried twice; once because I thought it was so great that adora had friends who cared about her, once because I felt bad for catra for feeling abandoned. Then I cried at work because this family came in, dumped off their son in a wheelchair with a laptop, and then never came back for him the rest of the night. Then I cried the next morning because I felt lonely. Then I opened r/sad, read the most upvoted story, and cried again at that. I hate cancer season.

My life (financially and academically) is going fine, but the loneliness is what’s still making me feel like shit, which is why I got back on tinder. I mentioned that already, right? yeah, I still don’t know how to respond. There’s this one girl who also looks hapa like me, and by her bio I really want to talk to her but I’m nervous. Last night I was like “lemme smoke a little to relax then I’ll message her” but then after smoking I was like “lemme have some vodka and punch” and then I decided to do a hair mask, followed by a long shower, followed by taking nudes (it was a lot of vodka, man). And by then it was 10pm and I couldn’t respond without looking sleazy. So now, here I am, at 1:17 pm the next day, and I still haven’t responded. Or studied for my midterms tomorrow. I’m gonna die.