#especially when all these kids who believe in gender stuff and nonbinary identities are just partaking in a different kind of conformity

[cosmic-kiwi]

So close and yet so far.

Because the thing that you're getting brainwashed about is thinking that 'nonbinary' needs to exist at all and should be defined by a resistance to social norms.

A woman who doesn't follow the 'expected' social norms is still just a woman. A man who doesn't follow the 'expected' social norms is still just a man. I don't know how anyone can think otherwise (without being incredibly sexist).

There is no "correct" way to be a man or a woman, or to dress as a man or a woman, or to act as a man or a woman. "Man/Boy/Male" and "Woman/Girl/Female" are simply biological states. Nothing more. Those labels don't tell you *anything* about another person beyond which gamete their reproductive system should theoretically produce.

You people keep talking about this 'gender binary' when none actually exists. Sex is binary in the vast majority of cases; that is true. But the way "gender" is defined (if you can even define it) is so vague and meaningless that it seems to just mean personality/style, which is, of course, not binary and never has been in the first place.

Yes, societies have and do (either intentionally or not) had/have a way of promoting or outright enforcing certain behaviors among men and women. But I thought that kind of thing was the very thing so-called progressives were supposed to be fighting against, not reinforcing. Societal norms don't actually provide accurate information with regards to reality. For instance, a woman who insisted on wearing pants in the 50's was not 'nonbinary'. She was just a regular woman who wasn't a fan of the fashion norms of the time.

-------

The real reason "so many autistic folks" are "trans"/nonbinary is because autistic people tend to see the world in black and white rigid categories. Including concepts like "boy" and "girl". And so if you're a girl who feels you've never fit in with the other girls (because you're autistic) you're more likely to mistakenly think, "well clearly, I don't fit in this category -- that means that I *must* belong to the other one or some brand new other one that I must make up." (Hence "nonbinary" and all the other supposed 'genders').

But... that' so obviously not how anything actually works. Being a girl in no way means you automatically fit in with the other ones or do all the things you think that they do.

----------

"the current binary definition of gender" --- which is WHAT? Can anyone explain to me, a woman, what 'identifying' as a woman apparently specifically entails without sounding incredibly sexist or relying on stereotypes (which most likely would not be accurate in my case)? Because I don't see how you could.

Actually being trans is in no way about 'not following society's rules' or whatever. It is an actual (very rare) medical condition or mental illness (the science isn't settled on this) that very few people have. And I think a lot of people are getting sick of people appropriating it and pretending like they have it when they clearly don't as if all it is is a way to say 'FU' to society.

terfs keep mentioning the % of autistics who are trans/nb and that we're 'brainwashed'

and because i'm an asshole, i decided to look into why so many autistic folks are trans/nb. it's not an inaccurate statement, at least the first half, but terfs lie through their teeth so i decided to get to the scientific root of it.

the answer blew my fucking mind.

the study on gender and autism i found said two very specific things about autistic people: we are more mentally resistant to things like social conditioning and binarism. we like our secret third things, y'know.

an excerpt:

“The finding that non-binary identities are most elevated seems to support hypotheses focussed on autistic resistance to social conditioning, which are consistent with existing evidence of the same effect with respect to self-description of sexual orientation. Perhaps elevated rates of trans identity in autism might result from a rejection of the binary cisgenderist norm, which combined with a below-typical concern for social norms could promote the disclosure of the identity.”

94% of autistics surveyed for that paper identified themselves as non-binary.

other studies have found autistic people have higher levels of critical thinking, and require more evidence to maintain or convert to a belief system (hence why many of us eventually fall away from religion) than allistic people.

which means, at least from my perspective, that:

a) the 'brainwashing' terfs are accusing the trans community of inflicting on autistic folks would likely not even work if they tried.

b) the current binary definition of gender flies directly against embedded autistic modes of thinking to begin with.

you cannot brainwash someone into thinking something they already believe.

[frostbite-the-bat]

doodled some feelings on a bleed thru sketchbook page (text in alt text)

Congrats to Kalvin Garrah to successfully traumatizing a whole generation of both nonbinary and transmasculine people (is both) cringe culture sucks fuck transmeds

Anyways ramble below

I had a few other times I got misgendered as "he" through my sona art, because they were more masculine and ambiguous on purpose before I accepted I'm trans

I use the word accept because I fought it for a long time, and I was scared of suddenly changing my pronouns and stuff even while most of my friends at the time were literally furry trans girls - one day I bit the bullet and went by she/they and realized how unhappy feminine pronouns made me and so I just said OK Fuck You They Only. Then it evolved as we all know (Speaking of "it" I may throw that in my pronouns pile as well)

And honestly I'm proud now but it's a bit disheartening to look back at how much I suffered, due to the misinfo and queer/trans content I consumed. My feelings were basically undeniable but I kept lying to myself because I didn't want to be a "TRANNY TRENDER" because the YTbers who were cringe culture transmedicalists said so. Kid me and other people around me did NOT have to go through that and man I'm sorry to everyone who went through that if you questioned your gender identity around like 2016-2018

I kinda always knew I was queer and a flavor of aroace so I engaged with queer content online but as we all know that was the time any queer person was bullied and other queer people kept telling each other what the RIGHT WAY TO BE QUEER was oh are you fat are you afab did you dye your hair YOU TRANSTRENDER TUMBLRINA!! ugh it was so stupid but it harmed so many. Shit sucked back then

I remember I'd be crying during P.E. classes (majorly gendered, girls and boys were seperate) in the bathrooms because I just felt so wrong but I knew I can't be trans because to me at the time the only way to be trans was to be MAN TO WOMAN and WOMAN TO MAN only and I did have some dysphoria especially chest dysphoria hell I still experience that but I didn't have bottom dysphoria or voice dysphoria which people kept saying was NECESSARY and like. In the middle or nonbinary or other wasn't an option because THAT'S WHAT THE LIARS ARE!!

And just. Struggling to understand my feelings because I was so unhappy and I believed I myself was somehow convinced by THOSE TRENDERS to feel this way and that no I can't be this and AAHH. like. I know better now I grew up I'm literally a gendered little freak entity but. I don't know it's just so sad that me or anybody had to feel that way yknow??

So it's sweet to think about the times I did enjoy some Transgenderism without beating myself up over it much. Well, I would go at myself like "HEY WHY DID I LIKE BEING CALLED THAT" but I wouldn't be gripping my head crying over it yelling "WHAT THE FUCK AM I" over it yknow?

Another time was when I was going home from school and some boy behind me called out to me as he possibly mistook me for someone else - in a masculine way in Czech. Despite my long ass hair which is FOR GIRLS ONLAY (seriously anywhere I go I have the longest hair it goes up to my ass I'm very sensitive about cutting it. I both want to but also UGH LONG HAIR SWAG.)

And I turn around like huh? And the boy goes OHH SORRY you're a girl. And I go oh it's okay heehee

And I walk off like HEE HEE HEE HEHEHEE :33 :DDD ✨✨✨✨✨✨waigth why did I like being misgendered as a guy hold up

And just looking back at the wholesome silly moments rather than the ouchies wowchies IS VERY NICE AND FUN and I get to pope fun at young me like YEA sure kid MX. IM NOT TRANSGENDER

[stoneworldsimp]

what’s mine is not yours —a request

platonic senku x reader

warnings: swearing, anxiety, talk of insecurities and worries, gender dysphoria

your name!

your name!

YOUR NAME!

your hands slapped to your ears, eyes shut tight. i can’t take this so early in the morning.

the voices from your dream had lingered longer than you would have liked. it reminded you it was time to face another day, to endure another long long day and night of hearing the wrong things.

maybe if i went and lived on my own again��i wouldn’t have to deal with it—no. senku needs me. he needs me…what does he need me for again? you rolled onto your stomach; your pillow rustled as you flopped it on top of your head. he doesn’t need me. i’d rather be lonely than hear everyone say some bullshit about me.

everyone in the village knew you as a miss. yuzuriha made you more neutral clothes upon request, but everyone assumed you were tomboyish. luckily, no one read more into it; it was nice to dress comfortably, but it was like no one else understood. why were they still calling you a girl? and the older folks, you knew they meant well! but you couldn’t help but feel like their constant “sweet girl”s were making fun of you at this point.

i can’t do it, i can’t do it, they’re making fun of me right now, as i think. as i exist!

you felt a tear trickle down the side of your nose.

oh, you’re kidding. crying? again? is this—

a knock on your door halted your thoughts; you quickly flipped back and sat up in your bed on the ground of your hut, and wiped your face quickly. you lightly slapped your cheeks to stop yourself from continuing crying.

“yeah.”

“it’s me. can i come in?”

senku’s voice brought some sort of relief; personally you felt it was better for him to come in at such a time than anyone else.

you took a deep breath. “sure, but i just woke up. i’m staying under my blanket.”

senku laughed behind the door. a small shove was made and it opened, revealing a quite chipper senku. he liked to come early in the morning when the rest of the village was quiet.

his smirk faltered once he saw your face. you believed you hid your crying well; you didn’t think to check your red eyes or stinging cheeks.

“what’s wrong?” he asked, his words much gentler than when he asked to come in.

damn. how could i not realize i was so obvious?

with a deep breath, you whispered, “senku.. we’re pretty good friends, right?”

he snickered. “of course we are, way more than that asshole gen.”

his voice was closer. you laughed as well, and wiped your eyes clear. he slowly walked over and sat down on the floor next to you. senku was looking at you, really looking at you; it was intense, almost if he was making sure his closeness or anything about his presence wasn’t bothering you.

“okay…i’m about to say a lot of stuff. let me know if you need me to explain more, or if i’m talking too much. or—“

your words halted as senku put a hand on your shoulder, a smile light on his face. “all ears.”

you smiled back softly. “okay. so—back in..our time,”you gestured between the two of you with your hands, “i told my family and friends i was, uhm… nonbinary. like i don’t feel male or female, i use they/them pronouns; all that good stuff. still feel that way now. and, for quite some time, they didn’t believe me. not in a direct ‘you’re lying’ way, but more of ‘i don’t understand it therefore you shouldn’t understand it’ type of thing. i got a lot of shit from people who weren’t my friends, too. but with my friends’ support and getting more confidence after coming out, my parents were able to kinda see it. but yeah, it took quite some time. probably like.. eight months? even then, i had to remind them constantly, ‘not a daughter. please don’t call me she or he. please don’t call me a woman.’ but we were getting there. and right when we got petrified, right when it happened, i saw the look on my mom’s face.

“we were talking about me and my identity and it was like something had clicked in her brain. like, she knew exactly what i meant and how i felt when i said what it meant to be nonbinary. i don’t even remember what i said specifically, but i remember her expression as if she were standing in front of me right now. i was so hopeful i’d see her again, her expression got me through my petrification and even helped me break out of it. but of COURSE, i didn’t ever see her again after i woke up. and then i almost lost my own sense of self after being by myself for probably a year.. i was under the assumption i’d never meet another person again, so when i did run into your village—i had this gross feeling of dread. and i realized it was the same feeling that basically lived inside of me before i came out.”

you sat up straighter and looked away from senku. “it’s like, i have to rebuild my identity all over again. people always say you shouldn’t care about what other people say, but i can’t help it. i’m a sensitive person. i get hurt easily, no matter how hard i try to thicken my skin. they all, they all just use ‘she’ and ‘her’ and ‘that girl’ so often, it feels like they’re making fun of me, like they’re constantly telling me i’m not who i say i am. and i can’t tell them senku, being nonbinary was confusing for so many people in our time, i hardly believe they’ll understand it now. sure, my parents were fine, but it took a while before they got it. i can only imagine how long it’ll take for everyone here.”

senku was quiet. have you over explained yourself? was it too overbearing? in all honesty you’d only been good friends with senku a short while; you should have waited at least a little bit longer before letting him in on something so personal—

“it all, it all kind of makes sense now.”

huh?! “what?”

“what you told me, i think i get it now.”

you gave him a look up and down. it was possible, but you didn’t think there was much of a chance that senku would be so..cool with it. not right away. you expected some form of silent treatment for at least a day or two, so he could collect his own thoughts.

“i’m gonna say something, and i need you to listen. yeah?”

you stared at him like your brain short-circuited. what the fuck is he gonna say to me.. oh god, he doesn’t wanna be friends anymore. but he’ll be too nice to kick me out of the village. but it is his village—

“hey, hey…are you with me?” you both sat facing each other now, and his hands rested on your shoulders.

just hear him out. “yeah. all ears.”

he smoothed your shoulders with his thumb. “you’re just as valid as everyone out there. i know you’re scared, but believe me when i say they will not be mocking you in any way. sure, it might take a while for them to understand, but theyre not going to give up just because they dont get something right away. it took me a few months to fully convince this village i could help them, and even then, there were still a few who didn’t fully understand the experiments and contraptions i made until a while later. i know that isn’t the same as your situation… but what i’m trying to say is that they will try their best to know you, the real you. they aren’t going to mock you; if anything, they’ll have lots of questions to ask you.

“also, you have me, you have gen to help out in case you don’t have the capacity to answer everything yourself. i’ve a few things about gender before the stone world, and gen definitely knows a lot of things that are relevant to it as well.

“everyone here… they’re all so eager to learn, i highly doubt they’ll be unaccepting. they’ll be curious. and they’ll be happy you’re letting them in on something that is so important.”

tears had made their way down your face and on your clothes halfway through his mini-monologue; you didn’t notice him continuously wiping them away until he was finished. “it’s going to be okay. trust me.”

with a quiet sob, you pushed yourself into his arms for a hug.

“thank you.”

you knew he wasn’t particularly one for any type of physical contact, but he gladly accepted. for the occasion, he thought. his arms slowly wrapped around your slightly shaking body as you tried to calm down. neither of you spoke for a few minutes; only your soft sniffles were heard in the hut.

“senku, i think that was the most i’ve heard you talk about something that wasn’t directly related to science,” you laughed into his neck.

he laughed back. “i had a lot saved, since there were moments i could tell you were kind of uncomfortable. i didn’t want to force you into talking about it either, so i just waited. tried to figure out what i was going to say. it had to be good.. you are one of my closest friends, after all.”

both of you embraced each other a little tighter. “i hope all of this helped, i want you to live here with none of those worries. especially after so many months of having it bottled inside.”

you nodded in response.

today.. today will be the day i tell everyone not to use what they used to call me; that won’t do at all anymore.

today, i’ll tell everyone my name.

[vizowrites]

My BlitzStrike Twins: Headcanons and Shenanigans~ [probably with a bit of my M&M kids thrown in just for fun]

So today I got a couple of fantastic asks about Blitz and Striker as parents, and since there seemed to be a pretty positive response to them--and because @helluva-simp​ is amazing and encouraged me to be brave enough to write this up--I thought I’d go ahead and make a full post of my headcanons for these two little devils.  I really do love the hell out of them and hope you guys enjoy hearing about them too!!  <3 <3

Twist’s and Ty’s full names are Twister and Typhoon but literally nobody calls them by their full names ever so they like to make the joke of “the ‘-er’ and the ‘-phoon’ are silent”

Ty is actually the older of the two [though not by much] but everyone thinks that Twist is because his name is always called first.  It’s always “Twist and Ty” [or just collectively “Twist-Ty”] instead of “Ty and Twist”.  Ty honestly doesn’t mind that much as far as following after his brother goes, just don’t make the mistake of trying to label him as the younger of the two.  There are a lot of things Ty’s perfectly content to let Twist take the lead in, but having the title of “the older twin” is just going too far.

Twist and Ty are mirror twins, meaning that they’re mostly identical except for a few key things: 1. Twist is left handed and Ty is right handed, 2. they both have heterochromia but Twist’s eyes are Left: Red | Right: Green-Gold whereas Ty’s eyes are Left: Green-Gold | Right: Red, 3. Twist has a birthmark on his right hand and Ty has his birthmark on his left hand--and yes when you put the two marks together, they form a design not unlike the heart shaped one on Blitz’s forehead :) 

Both of the twins are incredibly agile, but Twist is faster and Ty is more flexible

Striker affectionately calls Twist “Whirlwind” because of said fastness

Blitz affectionately calls Ty “Noodle” because of said flexibility

.....Though it should be noted that it’s not all fun and games because Twist is CONSTANTLY crashing into things or tripping over his own two feet from going too fast, and Ty is so flexible that he’s able to contort himself into positions that honestly make both of his parents throw up a little in their mouths with the split-second panic of “OH GOD OUR BABY WAS BORN WITHOUT BONES!!”  DX DX  They’re both usually just fine tho!!  :D

As noted in an earlier post--but I want to say it here too--Twist’s first word was “Bang!” and Ty’s first word was “Fuck!”  Twist was the first one to talk, though, and it made Striker and Blitz second guess the context of his first word by the time Ty said his. XD

Another thing that was noted in another post but I want to put it here too is that Twist and Ty have incredibly high self esteem and both Striker and Blitz wouldn’t have it any other way

Twist is dyslexic and so gets easily frustrated when he has to read a book, but he love love LOVES the hell out of stories.....and so Ty is almost constantly making up random stories to tell him

This actually also works out well in Ty’s favor because Ty’s attention span is about as short as Blitz’s patience and he has a lot more fun telling stories than he does sitting still long enough to read the ones that other people made up unless it’s a book about something he’s reeeeeeally interested in

It’s also made Ty hella good at bullshitting on the fly, which I think most of the older/adult members of his family wish he was a lot less convincing at

Twist knows how to lie and is a natural at acting, but his flair for the over-dramatics tends to give him a way a lot easier than his twin

They both have what I’m calling a “hierarchy of obedience” within their family which really translates into a range of “eh I can think about maybe listening to this person sometimes” to “oh SHIT I need to listen to this person 5 fucking minutes ago”.  For Twist, his hierarchy of obedience is: Millie --> Blitz --> Striker --> Loona --> Moxxie.  For Ty, his hierarchy of obedience is: Loona --> Millie --> Blitz --> Striker.....and Moxxie doesn’t even make the list for him because honestly I’m pretty sure Ty just naturally tunes him out most of the time and not even fully on purpose.  As he puts it: “You just have one of those voices”. XD

Ty can sleep literally anywhere and on anything.  I’m pretty sure there have been mornings where Blitz and Striker have to play the game of 'Where the hell is my kid??' because they THOUGHT that he went to sleep in his bed like their other child did but NOPE they go into their room in the morning to get them out of bed and are just like, “.....Twist where the hell is your brother??” and Twist just gives an innocent shrug and says, “I don’t know--probably on the roof or something.” u3u and goes out into the kitchen to make himself breakfast--and then two seconds later Blitz and Striker hear him calling out “NEVER MIND!  HE’S IN THE OVEN!!” and that starts off a whole new kind of panic because they know damn well that Twist’s favorite thing to have for breakfast is cinnamon rolls XD

Twist’s laughter is infectious--this really cute witch-like cackling that just bubbles out of him in the most adorably genuine way when he’s that delighted about someting

Ty does this adorable thing where--when he sticks his tongue out at someone--he flicks it in a very snake-like fashion and even gives the tiniest of hisses in lieu of a raspberry when he does it

Ty also manages to twist himself into the most uncomfortable-looking positions when he sleeps but rest assured, he’s never been more comfy

Twist’s tail never stays still.  It is constaintly flicking to and fro, back and forth, swishing and swirling like a cat’s tail, and he loves flicking it in front of people’s faces to get their attention

Twist in general doesn’t really stay still very often but the one time he did was when Ty broke his arm--and then he spent almost every moment of the day and night plastered to his side because he knew it was driving Ty crazy not being as mobile as he usually is while having to wear a cast

The twins really don’t ever go that far apart from each other.  If you look and only see the one, you can rest assured that the other one is around somewhere nearby and it’s probably not a good sign for you if you can only see the one.

Ty is much more of a biter when it comes to self-defense and Twist always goes straight to using his claws

Twist is the outwardly more protective twin and is vicious with his words when defending his brother.  He will force every last ounce of moisture out of your body from how hard he makes you cry.

Ty, on the other hand, will fuck you up hard physically if you try to hurt his twin--and Lucifer himself would not be able to save you if you actually do hurt his twin

As they get older, and their sexualities and gender develop and grow, Twist would discover that he’s a nonbinary he/they homosexual panromantic and Ty would discover that he’s a genderfluid he/she pansexual homoromantic

The above being said, both Twist and Ty wholeheartedly say “fuck you and your gender norms” from a very young age and well into their teenage and adult years, with Twist enjoying painting his nails and Ty carrying all of his stuff around in a purse--and they both have a preference for wearing high heeled shoes [Ty because he just likes being tall in general and Twist because he likes being specifically taller than his parents because it drives them crazy XD]

Twist and Ty’s best friend is “Missi” [Moxxie and Millie’s eldest daughter, Missile] and she’s honestly an absolute hero for putting up with as many of their shenanigans as she does

Whenever they go out on family outings, Twist is that kid who just NEVER wants to leave--and so Blitz usually, after spending ten minutes of trying to get him in the damn van and Striker even using his Dad Tone (TM) and that not working, will just be like, “Alright kiddo, I tried playing nice.  You asked for this.”  And he puts his fingers to his mouth and whistles with a, “Loona Sweetie?  Fetch.” >3 And Loona gets the BIGGEST grin on her face and Twist gets the biggest “oh shit I’m so fucking screwed” look on his face and Ty--who’s honestly probably very awkwardly coiled up in Striker’s arms because after a long day of family fun he’s tired af and decided that he doesn’t want to use his limbs anymore--just kind of looks over at his twin and says, “I believe in you, but also maybe try to run faster than last time” u3u

I think that they would both love their Auntie Barbie a lot and she would have soooooooo much fun teaching them different circus tricks--especially how to yeet each other back and forth on the trapeze XD

I also think that their Auntie Barbie would really love just how close they are.....and probably inspire her to make up for lost time in her relationship with her own twin too

For some reason I can’t shake the thought of the twins being great at acapella and I have no idea why but I’m also ttly here for it XD

In school, I feel like Twist’s favorite class would be Art [he loves to paint and happily makes all kinds of messes with his “expressing creativity”] and Ty’s favorite class would be P.E./Gym [because he loves testing the limits of his physical body]

Family game nights are always fun in their household because usually what happens is Twist and Ty team up against Blitz and Striker, and while they’re in the middle of duking it out, Loona ends up getting a monopoly on every street and is just like, “Pay up fuckers.” u3u

Moxxie and Millie both love and hate babysitting for the twins because on the one hand, they love them to pieces and love seeing how well they get along with their three kids, but on the other hand.....the twins keep finding Millie’s strap on and putting it on their middle child [Mark]’s head and calling him a “cockicorn” XD

Ty’s favorite food is ramen noodles and Twist spent three weeks [and probably set their kitchen on fire at least twice] learning how to make them with JUST the right flavor profile that he knows his brother likes the best

While I think both of the twins know that they can talk to their dads about anything, I think that they still keep their most personal thoughts reserved only to themselves and each other

Twist’s favorite type of weaponry tends to be more of the flashy ‘sharp and pointy’ kind whereas Ty’s favorite type of weaponry tends to be more of the aggressive ‘point and shoot’ kind.  However I honestly kind of think that in terms of what they’d use themselves in the field, Twist’s primary weapon of choice would be a whip [though he would definitely have some throwing knives and handheld revolvers in his back pocket too] and Ty’s primary weapon of choice is honestly poisons.  Assume that everything this kid has that he throws at you--be it a knife or a bullet or even a fucking cannonball--is poisoned somehow.

They both definitely play wrestle like Blitz and Barbie did as kids.....and just like Blitz and Barbie, they also get their horns tangled together more than once and need to have someone come rescue them.  There’s almost always a photo taken that gets posted to Voxtigram first tho. XD  

There are plenty more headcanons where this came from but I feel like this is already waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too fucking long so I’m going to go ahead and stop here for tonight!!  If you guys are interested in hearing more about these two, please please please feel free to let me know and I’d be happy to write up a Part 2 to this, or just overall write up a quick little oneshot with them in it, or if you want to send me specific questions about them that I can answer, feel free to do so!!  Thanks so much again and I hope you guys have as much fun reading these as I did writing them up!! <3 <3

[bi-dazai]

honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

[bubbelpop2]

see, a lot of people get confused or upset when they hear about the term bisexual lesbian, because from the bisexual side, it feels like Erasure, it feels like you're being told that being bisexual is just a gateway into being either gay or straight, and from the lesbian side, you might be insulted at the fact that somebody might think that you're attracted to the opposite sex that you're not attracted to. And it's okay that you're upset, that's natural.

But I want to talk about the history, and the origin of bisexual lesbians come especially around Stonewall. I did a paper on this, and while it was a paper in high school, I'm also a gay kid, and wanted to do this topic for a very long time. not specifically about bisexual lesbians, but I did a paper about Stonewall, and it included a brief history of bisexual lesbians.

So, when the world is against you, gays have a habit of banding together. sticking together, not only because it's safer, but because the LGBT community has a certain culture that you can only get from another gay person, and you know this, every time you watch a drama show with two straight people in it acting like their unhealthy relationship is normal. You know LGBT communities are different, and have different cultures, than straight people.

And so what we do, is we band together. And during Stonewall, the people who were at the front lines, throwing bricks at the paddy wagons, were often, trans women of color, butch lesbians, bisexuals, and gay men. A lot of the bisexual women, quite a bit of them, banded together with the lesbians, because they could relate to the more than they related to the bisexual men at the time. and because they were around lesbian so often, because they were so immersed in lesbian culture, and because they interacted with lesbian so often, they ended up dating women a lot more than they dated men.

Does this mean they are not bisexual? No, it does not, not at all. They're just as bisexual as the next bi person. But their sense of communion, who they often spend their time with, and who they identified with the most, both as comrades against the patriarchy and against the cops, and as available romantic partners, was solidified through trauma, hardship, and camaraderie. it's like, how most of my life, before I even knew I was gay, I sort of, gravitated to people that held similar ideals as me.

Bisexual lesbians, which do exist, whether you like it or not, may seem confusing to you. those are two completely different identities, which mean two completely different things. One is monosexuality, the attraction to only one gender, or at the very least, one side of the spectrum. And the other, is attracted to multiple genders. It seems like those two labels, when put together, would be mildly insulting it best, and Erasure at worst.

But instead of thinking about the definitions of the words, let's think about the kind of people we think about. when somebody says bisexual, I imagine the 3-5 friends in high school, and online that I have had that are bisexual. When somebody mentions lesbians, it reminded me of my girlfriend back when I was still feminine presenting, and of her friends.

And when I thought about bisexual culture, and lesbian culture, instead of the definitions of both the words, the identity made more sense to me.

Imagine that you're bisexual. A lot of your friends are lesbians. You've dated a lot of lesbians. You are still attracted to other genders. You are still attracted to men. You have dated men. You like men. and on the rare occasion that one feels confident enough to present in public, you also like gender-nonconforming people, and non-binary people.

But.. weirdly enough, spending so much time with lesbians, and being on the front line, being such a welcome part of the community, without them disrespecting that you're bisexual, you feel. More at home. they recognize that you're bisexual, and they welcome you into their Community anyways, because that's just how most lesbians are. kind and considerate, because of the hardships they had to go through as adolescents when they figured out who they were. You feel welcome. You don't feel unwelcome when you hang out with other bisexual people. And you don't feel discriminated against, when you choose to hang out with lesbians.

You've become very invested in their culture, the people. You know the lesbians that frequents bars, you know the lesbian bars, you know a lot of people in the community. You're the friendly neighborhood bisexual, and they're completely fine with that. You feel safe.

Yes, you're bisexual, and you always will be attracted to more than one gender. And that's okay. But, After all you've been through, and how accepting the lesbians are of you, you consider just dating women for the rest of your life, and identifying as a lesbian.

And then you realize that, no, that's not going to change the fact that you're still attracted to men, and you're still attracted to people who aren't women. You're still bisexual. But you're so invested in the lesbian community, and you talk to lesbians so often, you're so invested in the lesbian culture, that you feel like one of them. Accepted. not necessarily one of them by definition, but one of them in the way you act, and think, and who you hang out with.

You think- I'm right at home here. I'm Bisexual. I'm a lesbian. I'm a bisexual lesbian.

Written by a very queer trans man that thinks that you should explore what concepts are instead of immediately rejecting them, which is why we have all of this anti nonbinary and anti ace stuff circulating around that doesn't help anybody. I'm not one, but I support people who are bisexual lesbians. And I also support people who are bisexual. And I also support people who are lesbians. I did my really deep digging research into Stonewall, and bisexual lesbians were at the front lines, with everybody. their identity is not malicious, and they did not create it with you in mind. They created it for them. For them to feel comfortable.

And honestly? I feel like we have no right to police anybody's identity. At all. there's no need to put every human into a separate little box for every single category that they may or may not fall into. Which is why I also firmly believe that trans lesbians are lesbians, non-binary lesbians are lesbians, and he/him lesbians are lesbians.

Trying to be "normal" and lying to police the "weirdness" that's inside of your community, or trying to police the stuff it doesn't make sense to you, is just as bad as homophobes that immediately attack what they don't understand. I didn't used to understand either. I thought it was stupid, honestly.

And then I got confused as to what bisexual lesbians even were. Who they were attracted to, and how that affected what they labeled as. And I looked it up and.. they're bisexuals. They may have a preference for women, they may just prefer hanging out largely at lesbian gathering sites and bars, or maybe they used to identify as lesbian, and it's just a more comfortable term for them.

And honestly? The reasoning behind their identity is none of my business. And it's not really any of yours, either. I don't have to understand it to be able to respect it.

They're not trying to tear the community apart, they just exist.

-Adam, who's reblogged things supporting bisexual lesbians before, so if you're surprised by this, you might want to leave.

[nszypher]

In Honor of Pride Month

In honor of pride month, I’ve decided to share my story. This is the first time I’ve done such a thing, and done anything more than silently root people on during this time. It’s been a big year of change for me and several of my friends, so I think this pride month is possibly the most important one to me.

This is deeply personal and I debated on posting this at all, but I want it out there somewhere and I don’t think anyone is really going to read this crazy long post so...here goes nothing.

Long story short, I identify as a non-binary asexual. More specifically, I feel I fit into the terms of demigril, mascandrogyne, genderflux agender asexual. Which is a lot of terms, some seemingly conflicting, but all fitting.

As most do, I felt I was differing from “the norm” fairly early on. I was considered a tomboy as a kid as I tended to gravitate towards things that were largely considered to be “for boys.” My parents let me do and be what I wanted without shaming me for how I chose to dress or what I chose to do. They did dress me in more traditional feminine clothing when I was young, but once I was old enough to make my own choices, they let me do as I pleased. They never once forced me, after that point, to wear something because it was appropriate, or do or stop doing something for the same reason.

I know I am very fortunate.

I once expressed to my mom that I wished I had been born a boy. I knew then, and still know now, that the reason I felt that way was not because I felt I was a boy, knew I was supposed to be, but because I saw the privilege bestowed upon males. They were allowed to play outside and get dirty without comments. They were allowed to play video games and like animals other than dogs, cats, and horses. They were dressed in blues and wore pants. It seemed to me, in my eight-ish year-old mind they were given more freedom. Girls like me were frowned upon in society, at least at the time. I wanted to do whatever I liked and wear whatever felt nice, and society as a whole did not want me to do that.

My parents told me, in nicer terms, fuck them and do what you like. You’re not hurting anyone, so why should they care?

Then puberty hit, and the differences in everything became so much clearer. Or at least, the fact that I was different became clearer. We were told that we all would start having urges and thoughts and feelings, and it’s all natural. And people around me did, I suppose. I can only go by what happened in media and what little I saw of people at my school through my own lens. They told you that these things were natural, and everyone did them, so what are you to think when it doesn’t happen for you?

The problem is, especially where I grew up, you were told there were two genders, male and female, and that the only thing you should be is heterosexual, or straight. If the mentioned homosexuality at all, it was in the context of things that were wrong and bad. There is only dialogue about this, as I see it now, very narrow window of how things should be. Two genders, one orientation, no variation of those.

So when you don’t fit into that slot, it can be very disorienting. I spent my high school years wondering what was wrong with me. I got into a semi-romantic relationship because “that’s what people do.” I say semi-romantic because I think he felt it more than I did, and while I did really enjoy being with him and around him, the most we ever did was hug. I really cared about him, but looking back, it was very true that it was never going to go any further than close friends. I realize now that what I liked in that relationship was not being a girlfriend or having a boyfriend for the romance and god forbid the sex, not that we ever did it, but having someone who was dedicated to me, that made time for me, that would come over at a moment’s notice if he wasn’t busy, and that wouldn’t put others over me.

I want a friend and companion. That’s about it.

It wasn’t until college, I think it was sometime in Senior year (weirdobagel corrected me because I was wrong) that my roommate and best friend found the term asexual. And it was...life changing for the both of us. I believe I can say that much for her. Suddenly, there was a word describing what I had felt. Suddenly, there was validation and the promise that I was not broken or lying or just missing it. Suddenly, I had something to cling onto. I am this. There is nothing wrong with me. Identifying that was such a relief, and finding that there were more people in the world besides just the two of us that felt the same way. I just cannot describe the elation. 

What are the chances of not only finding someone else just like you completely by chance, but also rooming with them and having them find that?

I thought that was where my revelations would end. But years later, there was more to come.

In 2017, two of my friends began transitioning from female to male, one early in the year, one near the end. I only found out about the first by chance because they mentioned HRT, and knowing their previous history with gender identity, there was only one thing that could stand for. He did not tell me directly, and to be fair, hasn’t actually told me anything about it, but he has plenty of support where he is and doesn’t need me. 

It’s okay. This same person who came out as bi to me six years earlier is also the same who told me, in that same conversation, that I couldn’t be ace because I haven’t had sex yet after I confided in them about being ace. I had never questioned them in any way before then, and didn’t even laugh or flinch when they said they were bi, and yet, they told me I couldn’t be ace because I hadn’t had sex, so how would I know?

But the other has been one that was scared to come out to me (which saddens me but I understand...I was in the same place. More on that later), but is one I have been supporting from a distance since they have. They came out to me one October afternoon in a long message over Facebook Messenger while I was at work trying to solve a huge problem. At the time, all I could do is send a short message back saying that while it was a bit of a shock, I was behind them 100%.

While I was working on the problem and getting through the day, I got to thinking. Feeling that you are one or the other was...I realized, kind of strange to me. I had always said I was a girl, and I think in part because I had always been called one. I had not questioned it because my logical brain said that I must be. That is what everyone calls me. I have boobs and lack a penis. So isn’t that what I am? But then, why do people who loose their boobs or penis or what have you know they are still female or male? And why do transgender people feel they are the opposite gender? I realized that it sort of baffled me...because I don’t really feel like either.

I say I’m genderflux because I do feel like a female stronger sometimes than others, but I mean, if you put it on a scale from 0 to 10, with 0 being feeling like nothing at all and 10 being totally, unquestionably, no doubt female (in my case), I peak at a 3 at most and hover more around 0 to 1.

And this was a revelation brought about because my friend was transitioning, and it got me to thinking about things in my own head. Crazy how those things work, huh? And I started looking around, reading on the internet about various things, and I came across these terms.

Demigirl: Not nessecarily identifying as female, but not having a problem being called those pronouns.

Mascandrogyne: Feeling mostly androgynous, but presenting in a more masculine manner.

Agender: Not really feeling attached to either.

Nonbinary: Not falling in the binary spectrum of male or female.

And suddenly, it made sense. It makes sense to me now. I will say that it’s not because my parents didn’t push me to this. I did what I did, dressed how I dressed, because it’s what felt good. I have never done anything because it was “male” or not because it was “female.” I do buy things from the male clothing sections because they are more comfortable, and I gravitate there because history has taught me I am more likely to find something I like there but if female stuff had the form and function male clothing did too, I would buy from there. I don’t tend to like the look of female clothing, cuts and patterns, on me, but can appreciate them on someone else. I like shorter, male-type haircuts because they feel nice and suit me.

My last haircut was not great. It didn’t...quite do it. It actually almost looks a little too masculine for me. Shock!

When I was younger, it used to bother me when I was misgendered, but it also bothered me when I was forced into a thing that felt wrong. 

When I was twelve, we went on a cruise and because I was female, I was forced to wear a skirt to dinner because that is what was mandated for females. I hate dresses. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just wear nice pants.

When I was in middle school, before I cut my hair, I had someone at the church I was attending at the time convince me, after much convincing, to let her do my hair and make up. I had done make up things before in Girl Scouts and with my mom, and I already knew I hated it. I hated the feel, and I hated the time and effort it took. But I let this person do it anyway because...maybe I’ll change my mind? Because it’s what people do? I don’t know for sure why I did, but I did. I hated the result. My mom said I did look very pretty, but I didn’t look like me, and looked even less happy.

In middle school and high school, I had a friend who used to tease me that I didn’t know what gender I was, whether I was a boy or a girl. That really bothered me, though I didn’t know why exactly. I thought I did, thinking it was just because he was calling me something I’m not.

I used to be extremely bothered when people called me the wrong gender. Like much more than maybe it should’ve bothered me. I had a manager of mine at GameStop as why he let his twelve year-old son work there. I was seventeen at the time. They proceeded to make fun of me after he corrected them. He also then told them I was a valued employee and if they made fun of me again, he’d kick them out. I let an older lady with a few items go in front of me at WalMart because I was buying groceries for the month. She told the cashier that “this nice young man” let her go in front of her. The cashier and I shared a knowing look.

My mom actually said to me, not meaning to sound callous, that I bring it upon myself by dressing and cutting my hair the way I did.

I now realize that it was because I was nonbinary, but I didn’t know it. I didn’t understand what that meant. I wouldn’t hear the term until nearly ten years later. And I wouldn’t identify as that until almost 15. That sort of thing is not discussed or accepted around where I grew up.

With these new terms, I came to understand why I didn’t like swimsuits made for females. I came to understand why it was that I did whatever felt right and good without worrying about how it was “gendered.”

And now, call me whatever you like. I have, in the past two months, been called a male in at least three different occassions, and since finding the nonbinary term, it didn’t bother me. I don’t really mind being call either even if I still go with the female ones.

I saw a post somewhere that said “Nonbinary does not mean vaguely masculine.” But for me, it does honestly. I wear male clothing, I get a male haircut, and more than anything, I want top surgery to remove my boobs. I have been wearing a binder almost every day since early November, and it feels so right to look and be like this. I literally cried tears of joy when I found a binding swim top, and again when I used it for the first time last Thursday night. I enjoy swimming again. I have wanted to rid myself of boobs ever since I grew them, I just didn’t really see that it was an option until late last year. I knew trans people could do it, but I didn’t know I didn’t need to be trans FtM to get it.

I don’t want to be on testosterone. I don’t want facial hair unless it’s fake for a cosplay. I don’t want to get a penis. I just don’t want boobs.

I’ve been saving real hard for the surgery. I reached out to a surgeon late last year in my area for a cost estimate. It’s pricey, though I’m hoping for the lower price area and saving for the higher one, but I want it. I was worried it was just a fad of mine, but I think the fact that the cost did not scare me off and the fact that even considering it might not happen gives me anxiety proves its not. I had some unexpected expenses come up and take a big chunk out of my savings for it, and have already come up with a plan B if I fall short. That is how important that is to me. Most people won’t see the difference, but I will.

There may be more for me to discover about myself, but for now, this is all. I never thought Pride month would matter to me so much, but this one is something special to me so I had to share. Because of my friend, transgender issues matter to me more than they did. Before it was “yeah, be a good person and don’t be an asshole.” But now it’s much more personal. And because of them, I found out more about me, and found a path to making myself that much more comfortable.

So to all those who fall outside the “normal” spectrum, you are awesome! Everyone one of you! You matter so much and you just keep rocking whatever it is you do! 

To those who are still hiding away, or are unsure, you’ll come into your own. You’ll find your way. Hang in there. Your day is coming. Coming out, in any sense, is hard. I had a hard time bringing myself to express to my mom (whom I still live with) that I wanted top surgery. She took it pretty well. Still processing but wants me to be happy. And I had a hard time bringing myself to tell my ace bestie, which is crazy because she of all people would welcome me with open arms regardless of what I identify as. I nearly cried from relief when I told her. I shouldn’t have expected anything else, but my anxiety-riddled brain asked “But what if she DOES reject you? What then?” So I know, it’s hard. But one day, you won’t have to hide.

And to all those who support us but do not identify as something else, thank you for being there for us! You matter too.

For everyone else, to those against us, to those who say we are wrong or that we don’t exist, fuck you! We are going to be who we are. You can’t change that.

[theclaravoyant]

also okay - if you're ever wanting to write more in the trans!fitz universe, i'd absolutely love to see a fic where someone on the team learns what 'nonbinary' is and decides they might be nb, and come talk to fitz about it! :) and maybe talk about fitz's experiences being trans and his view of gender and stuff like that

AN ~ awesome prompt! It was a lot of fun exploring nonbinary-ness and different experiences of gender (which is probably why this almost hit 2K!). 

Disclaimer: I’m a cis woman, but I based what Fitz talks about on experiences of several trans and non binary people (from these sources as well as past research, friends, tumblr posts, etc.). I hope I have done the topic some justice!

For those not familiar with my trans!fitz universe, this fic takes place in the Bridget!verse where Fitz transitioned (FTM) from a young age. He is out only to a few select people as trans, and prefers it that way, although this fic also allows for him to be more out re: his sexuality (which is not specified in this fic, but implied to be non-straight).

As for who he’s talking to… I know they’re not part of “the team” exactly but I couldn’t resist using this opportunity to write about everyone’s favourite nb lesbian, Agent Piper!

Anyway, without further ado-

Read on AO3 (~2000wd)

Piper

Pride season was an opportunity for a splash of colour in the increasingly gloomy lives of Shield’s now-underground team. The younger Agents especially filled the base with life and vibrancy while the older ones, for whom Pride was much if not more a commemoration than a festivity, provided strength and fortitude, serving as living reminders of a whole range of struggles that could affect an Agent, and a whole range of ways of being a survivor. Pride was a light in the darkness not unlike the end of year holiday season, if directed at a smaller cohort.

Tonight, many of the Agents were preparing to drive out to a Pride Parade in a nearby city, and were donning all manner of bright colours and some of them even preparing spectacular outfits for a night on the town. Daisy had on a hot-pink sundress with platform sandals and chunky jewellery in blue, purple and silver. Jemma went for a look that somehow managed to be more subdued, in a bright canary-yellow t-shirt and black jeans, with a pink bandana tied around her neck. Fitz was stuck in his room trying to figure out what to wear that was different, but that didn’t scream a Pride flag vomited all over me, when he heard a knock at the door.

“Oh, thank God,” he sighed. “Jemma, I-“

Fitz cut himself off when he pulled the door open and saw not Jemma, but the shorter, stockier, also somewhat-bewildered-looking Agent Piper waiting for him. She was still wearing fatigues, not yet prepared for the evening’s outing, and her expression was a little too serious for Fitz’s liking.

“Um. Hi,” Fitz greeted after a moment. “Can I help you? Is something going on?”

He stuck his head further into the hallway, but Piper shook her head before he could work himself into too much of a panic.

“Nothing, it’s all good out here, I was actually wondering if I could – maybe – have a private conversation with you.”

“Okay. Sure.” Still a little unsettled, Fitz invited Piper into his and Jemma’s room. He waved a hand apologetically at the suit-jackets, feather boa, dresses, heels, and button-ups that had sprawled across the room during their preparations, but Piper seemed content to ignore them even as her eyes cast about the room a little, not quite sure how to broach the subject she’d come here to speak about.

“Sorry,” she said eventually, bringing her eyes back to Fitz as she seemed to remember she was prying in a private space. “It’s just, I know you’re not really out with it and I didn’t want to be creepy. I wanted to talk about… gender. I’ve been thinking about some stuff and Jemma sort of mentioned that you might be someone who knows something about it. If you’re not comfortable with talking to me you can send me on my way and I won’t breathe a word of it – I know how it is – but it’d be really cool if you could help me out, man.”

Fitz shrugged. “It’s alright.”

“You sure?”

“Sure.” He smiled. “Happy to help out if I can.”

“Awesome.” Piper sighed, and a lot of the tension left her body. For want of a better place to plant herself, she perched on the corner of a desk.

Fitz sat nearby, in a clear space at the edge of the bed, and waited for Piper to gather her thoughts. He hoped she wouldn’t ask too much about him. Then again, he hoped she would. If it would help. If it would maybe mean he was sharing something of himself with someone who might get it in a way that the others didn’t. He wondered what she would ask. What was questioning even like? What was it like not to wake up and know? Of course, he’d been through his own questioning period, but most of that had been forced upon him, particularly by his father’s efforts to reshape him. Inside Piper’s head, Fitz knew, there could be a whole different set of sensations going on. Legitimate questions. Questions in which politics and oppression only played a part. Questions that could be daunting, and probably moreso to a thirty-year-old mind than to a seven-year-old, who didn’t yet understand so much about the weight of the world.

“Want me to start?” Fitz offered. Piper groaned.

“God, please.”

“Do you think you’re a man?”

Piper recoiled from the suggestion, but quickly recovered.

“Sorry. But no. I don’t think so – it feels wrong. It’s just that… I’m not really sure I’m a woman either. Does that make sense? Is that possible? I mean, I’ve always been a bit of a tomboy but like… recently, it feels different somehow. It’s difficult to describe. Maybe I’m just being weird, but to be honest, it’s kind of freaking me out. I thought I’d already done the whole identity-crisis thing, you know?”

Fitz laughed a little. He could relate.

“There’s no need for a crisis. You’ll figure it out eventually. And believe me, I get the double-take. Identity is an ever-changing beast.”

“How was it for you, though?” Piper wondered. “The gender thing I mean. How did you know?”

“I don’t think I can really help you with that one, unfortunately. I’m one of those people who just always, sort of, knew. I’ve known since I was a kid. I don’t really know why. Some of it was the obvious I guess. I played with model trains and cars instead of dolls. I hated wearing dresses. Tried to cut off all my hair with scissors. I wanted a pee-pee.” He snorted. “Seven-year-old me didn’t really get into the philosophy of it all, but there must be something to it, because… well, let’s just say I went through some things that would have chased it out of me if that were possible.”

Piper nodded solemnly.

“Not all the confusion is bad though,” Fitz continued. “My mum raised me, mostly, and she did it without a lot of that masculine bravado bullshit. She taught me to be gentle, sensitive, forgiving… sometimes it felt like I was less of a guy because of that kind of stuff, and the teasing didn’t help, but in the end it gave me faith in my identity. Mum always told me there should be more guys like me. That it shouldn’t be left to the girls to be the soft ones.“

“I like your mom,” Piper put in.

“Me too.” Fitz smiled. “And honestly I think having someone who believed in me like that made it all so much easier, even though she didn’t get it entirely. She started calling me by the right pronouns – you know, he and him and all that - and even gave me a different name. Helped me transition in lots of other ways, too. I couldn’t have done it without her.”

“Oh, I don’t want to transition, either,” Piper clarified. “I’m happy with my body just the way it is. Is that – I mean, does that mean anything?”

“Not really,” Fitz explained. “I mean, for me it did. I had… I had dysphoria in a big way. Phantom body parts. Huge discomfort about my dead name and pronouns. Not every trans person gets that. Some have it the other way, actually. Euphoria, it’s called. They just feel more happy when they express as their gender, or when they’re referred to by some other name or pronouns or, you know, gendered words, even if they’re not particularly unhappy with their assigned ones.”

“See, that sounds more like me,” Piper agreed. “But can you be, like, gender-neutral trans? Or is that a different thing, I don’t know. But can you?”

“You mean like nonbinary?” Fitz suggested. “Some people think of it as trans and some don’t, but yeah, sure. It’s a thing.”

“It means you’re like, somewhere between a boy and a girl, right?” Piper speculated. “Like on the spectrum.”

“Basically,” Fitz agreed. “I mean, for some people it’s more complicated than that, and just like with sexual orientation there’s a whole bunch of subsets. Some people like the spectrum, some people go with a third non-spectrum gender, some people even prefer no gender at all. It’s up to you. I can’t really tell you which one to pick, unfortunately – I mean as far as I’m aware, we as a scientific community still don’t know what gender even is yet – but if you’re feeling like nonbinary’s an option for you, try it out. There’s no harm in a label if you’re safe and happy with it. And even if it doesn’t work out, it’s not like you’re getting in anyone’s way.”

“Really?” Piper checked. “You think I should go for it?”

Fitz held his hands up, palms out. “You don’t need my permission.”

“Can I keep my name?”

“Sure, if you’re happy with it.”

“What about that pronoun stuff?”

“Well, if it bothers you when people call you she/her, tell them so. If not, you can keep them and still be non-binary. It depends on you. If you’re looking for a more neutral pronoun, ‘they’ is getting pretty popular, relatively. There are some more obscure ones around, so Google it maybe, but if it’s not a strong point of contention for you, or none of the others really speak to you, you could try they/theirs.”

“You’re right, that does sound better,” Piper agreed, a smile breaking out across her face at last. “Thanks so much, Fitz, honestly. I feel like I’ve lined up so many things in my brain right now.”

“My pleasure.” Fitz found himself beaming too, unexpectedly broadly. He kicked his legs in glee. “Glad I could help.”

“Wait.” Piper interrupted, her tone heavier again all of a sudden and, if Fitz was not mistaken, tainted with dread. “Can I still be a lesbian, then?”

Fitz’s excitement faded a little too. With the weight Piper put on it, he could tell, this part of her identity was important to her. Painstakingly so. Handling it with care was essential, and yet, he had to walk blindly into it and do the best he could.

“Well, I don’t know,” he offered truthfully. “If someone else, if another lesbian, came to you with something like this, what would you say, d’you think?”

Piper’s eyes searched the floor, the carpet, the nose of Fitz’s dress shoes poking out from under one of Jemma’s discarded dresses. She took a deep breath.

“Well, I’m sure as hell not a man. And even if I’m not a woman exactly, I still feel pretty close to it. I’d like to think I’m enough of a woman to be a lesbian still.”

“Then there you have it, I guess. Maybe talk to the girls, they might have more to say about it, but I think that’s fair enough.”

“Cool.” Piper nodded once, and then twice more for good measure as she let it all settle in. Her eyes trailed the mess that was FitzSimmons’ room and, as the mess in her own head cleared away, she remembered why it was all there.

“Shit, we’d better get ready, hey?” she reminded Fitz. He escorted her to the door, as best he could through the widespread pig-sty.

“Again, thanks so much for the talk,” Piper continued. “It was really great. Really helpful. If you don’t mind though, can we keep it on the DL for now? Sprinkle a couple ‘they’s here and there if you could, but the other stuff, I’m still easing into it.”

“No worries,” Fitz promised. “And you know, my stuff –“

“Lock and key,” Piper promised in return. “See you tonight.”

“See you there.”

[cassolotl]

Autistic Survey: Results

As you may be aware due to my splashing this all over my social network presence, I’ve been running a survey of autistic people for 11 days, since January 19th 2017.

There were 1340 usable responses at closing time. This is after I removed one duplicate, removed two or three abusive responses, and removed one at the request of the participant. I promoted on Tumblr, Twitter and Reddit, and I’m aware that others promoted on Facebook on my behalf. There’s a more detailed breakdown of where everyone came from further down.

This survey was ultimately pretty aimless and led by my own curiosity. I wanted to know how we as autistic people tend to think of ourselves, how we identify and describe ourselves, and whether/how we are diagnosed. I wanted to test a few stereotypes that I’ve picked up over the years. I also threw in a couple of questions for my own personal wossname, like monogamy/non-monogamy, and how people feel about Autism Speaks, etc.

I like to do this kind of stuff for fun, and am in no way professionally or academically educated/experienced. Because it’s on the internet, self-selecting, and mostly promoted on a small number of social networks, the results are hella biased and can’t really be held as representative of any group except autistic users of Tumblr, Twitter and Reddit. Still, with over 1,300 responses, I think the results are pretty interesting.

You can see the results in full on Google Sheets here. Beware, it is huge and unwieldy. Feel free to make a copy of the sheet and mess about with the stats however you want; if you publish anything using them I’d appreciate a link back to this blog post. :)

Read on for wild and amateurish speculation!

~

IN RELATION TO THE AUTISM SPECTRUM

I’ve seen people refer to themselves in so many different ways, and with varying capitalisations, so I was curious to see what was most common.

Generally, people preferred not to capitalise autistic, aspie, or autie. People preferred “autism spectrum” over “autistic spectrum”. Aside from that, people overwhelmingly preferred identity-first language - “I am autistic” rather than “I have autism”. The fourth most popular was Asperger’s Syndrome, which I thought was interesting, because my understanding was that it’s slowly being phased out.

The top 5 ways for us to describe ourselves were:

I'm autistic - 66.3%

I'm on the [autism] spectrum - 40.8%

I'm Autistic - 30.9%

I have Asperger's Syndrome - 29.9%

I have an ASD (autism spectrum disorder or autistic spectrum disorder) - 23.1%

It’s also worth noting that this question let you choose more than one answer, and lots of people chose both capitalisations. By this I mean that it was not uncommon for one person to choose both “I am autistic” and “I am Autistic”.

~

DIAGNOSIS

For this question, participants could again select as many as applied. I wanted to allow people to, for example, tell us that they had been formally diagnosed in childhood and self-diagnosed later - or that they had been formally diagnosed as a result of self-diagnosing and then being later diagnosed by a specialist.

While the survey was ongoing, I had a conversation with someone who was opposed to self-diagnosis and felt that it shouldn’t have been an option on the form. I didn’t feel I could remove it so late in the game, and anyway I knew that if it hadn’t been an option I would’ve had to process hundreds of people’s manual write-in “i’m self-diagnosed” submissions, so I left that option there.

But I also wanted to acknowledge that self-diagnosis is very context-dependent. The best I could think of doing that wouldn’t take an enormous amount of work was to split the results by all self-diagnosed people (including people who are formally or informally professionally diagnosed) and people who are only self-diagnosed.

Here’s the numbers. Only two people didn’t answer this question.

Formal/professional/medical diagnosis - 49.0%

Self-diagnosis (all) - 45.8%

Self-diagnosis (where only this was selected) - 32.5%

Informal professional diagnosis - 22.5%

Formally diagnosed but not told about it at the time - 11.3%

~

PRE-DIAGNOSIS

I was curious about this because I know a few people who self-diagnosed before they were professionally diagnosed.

This question was single-choice-only, and there was no “other” box. About a third of participants didn’t answer at all - which matches the ~33% who are only self-diagnosed in the last question.

If I had more spoons I might look into whether age plays a part here. A friend of mine suggested that unless you have parents and/or teachers who’re very on-the-ball, you might have to work out what’s going on on your own, and that means that a lot of people might conclude that they’re autistic in their teens - around when a lot of kids are working out, for example, that they’re not straight.

~

AGE

Many graphs! Here’s the ages of all participants:

I feel I should very remind you here that this statistic shows how biased this survey is. This age graph is more representative of the ages of people who use Reddit, Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook than it is of autism in the general population by age.

This next graph is a bit more fun though:

Age of diagnosis (red) is relatively spread out, because a lot of folks were diagnosed in childhood - presumably before they could work out they were autistic on their own, and instigated by parents who are a bit sensible and pay attention to how their kids are generally in life. The youngest age of diagnosis was 1, and the oldest 55.

You can also see how around the early teens people started to work out that something was up (blue), and there’s a corresponding bump in the red diagnosis line a few years later as those suspicions turn into formal diagnosis for a chunk of people - 22% of people in an earlier question knew that they were autistic before they were formally diagnosed.

Overall the yellow and blue lines suggest that most people worked out they were autistic, like, 3 years ago - in their early teens. And the red line suggests that a bunch of those people got a formal diagnosis soon after. There are a lot of people, about a third, who haven’t got a formal diagnosis, but perhaps this is not surprising - most participants were only in their late teens to early twenties when they took the survey. Since services and support for autistic people are so bad perhaps there’s not much advantage to getting diagnosed, especially if you’ve made it this far maybe not even knowing you’re autistic.

~

GENDER

My fave!

I’m sure a lot of you are aware of the anecdotal overlap between the trans/nonbinary and autistic communities. My gender identity clinic doctor, at the oldest gender identity clinic in the world, says that they see about ten times as many autistic people as are in the general population. And for a long time it was believed that autistic people were more likely to be gay - but now that being gay is more socially acceptable, the numbers are starting to converge. (I don’t have a source for this but I’d love one! If you’ve got it, throw it at me.) I’m curious to know whether there’s anything to suggest a similarity between the autistic-and-queer thing and the autistic-and-trans/nonbinary thing.

Again, this survey is very biased. It’s biased by age group and by the places participants came from, and the fact that it was a self-selecting sample on the internet. It would not be reasonable to extrapolate these figures to the general autistic population. On that note, here we go.

This is as many as I could fit onto the chart and still have all the gender labels showing. Here’s the percentages of the top 10:

nonbinary - 34.1%

woman (or girl if younger) - 33.7%

trans - 24.3%

man (or boy if younger) - 23.3%

transgender - 19.8%

agender - 15.9%

genderqueer - 15.8%

cisgender - 15.2%

fluid gender/genderfluid - 12.5%

enby - 11.8%

The low number of people identifying as cisgender is not as indicative as I first thought. It occurred to me that a lot of cisgender people wouldn’t describe themselves as such, and might not even know what it means. A lot of people whose genders differ from the ones they were assigned at birth also don’t relate to the trans/cis labels either.

The list of genders was taken from the annual survey of nonbinary people, which includes man and woman. I also added the three autism-related genders that I’ve ever heard of. There were a few comments in the feedback box by people who were annoyed by having to search through the long list for their gender; I’d guess around 5? But only two people skipped the question, so I’d guess the vast majority of people had no practical problems with it, even if a significant number of people may have disliked it. The wording of the question itself was taken from the results of a report from the Equality and Human Rights Commission, who found the following to be most inclusive: “Which of the following describes how you think of yourself?”

I was nosy about biases based on social networks, so I split the top 10 gender identities by social network:

Reddit is notably less diverse, with a significantly smaller percentage than Twitter and Tumblr for every gender identity except cisgender and man/boy. The only reason I can’t say the same for Reddit vs. Facebook is because Facebook respondents were slightly more likely to say they were cisgender.

It’s worth noting that for Twitter there are only 141 responses, so the respondents here are likely only a few degrees of separation from me - and I am aware that my Twitter followership is mostly queer nonbinary people! (They’re only 10% of respondents though.)

I’ve run a few surveys of subreddit memberships in the past, and the percentage of nonbinary people is usually around 6-7% for the subreddits I tend to spend time in. (/r/bulletjournal, for example, and I ran one for /r/polyamory years ago but I have no hope of finding the URL of the results.) So it’s interesting to me that the autistic people of Reddit are just as likely to be nonbinary than the general population of Reddit.

The subreddits I promoted in were /r/autism, /r/samplesize and /r/neurodiversity.

~

SEXUAL AND ROMANTIC ORIENTATION

People could pick as many as they felt they identified with for both of these questions, and plenty picked more than one. For example, lots of people feel that terms like bisexual and asexual fit under the queer umbrella and could truthfully check queer and another term for one question.

The top five sexual orientations were:

asexual - 31.2%

queer - 30.3%

bisexual - 23.3%

pansexual - 18.4%

heterosexual - 16.8%

The top 5 romantic orientations were:

queer - 27.3%

panromantic - 25.1%

biromantic - 17.2%

heteroromantic - 15.2%

I don't know - 15.2%

This one I messed up a little. I regret not including “gay” and “lesbian” as checkbox options from the start; I added them at around 100 respondents, though earlier responses containing those words will still be counted in the stats. I also didn’t include “straight” at any point.

I only picked up on “gay” and “lesbian” because someone specifically said that they’re gay and they find the word homosexual to be really unpleasant, so they would have liked for gay to be added to the list. No one asked for “straight” to be included in the list, but a few people did write it in the “other” box.

A few people mentioned in the “other” box that I had missed demisexual and demiromantic off the list. If more than one person mentions a particular label I tend to assume that there’s a lot more who would check the box if it was there, so if I do this kind of survey again I will include them.

~

RELATIONSHIP PREFERENCES

I have no idea how this compares to the general population or the Tumblr-Reddit-Twitter-Facebook population. But hey, it’s pretty cool, huh? Here it is in number form.

It started out being super non-monogamous, because I am non-monogamous and so a lot of my online circles are too. I could tell when the survey was making it out of my immediate circle, because at around the 300 participants mark it started to get a lot more monogamous.

~

LIVING SITUATION

I asked about current living situation and ideal living situation, and I’m thinking these figures are mostly representative of the fact that 85% of participants are between 11 and 30 years of age? I’m thinking as people get older they’re more likely to attain independence and an ideal living situation. But I’m not really sure!

56% of people live with the family that raised them, and only 8% of them want to.

30% of participants want to live alone, but only 13% are doing so.

A little over a third of people would ideally like to live with friends, which I think is lovely and a very underrated and under-represented lifestyle choice!

And 20% of us live with partners, whereas 65% of us would prefer that. I wonder how many people living with partners would rather be alone, but it would be too much work for me to find out so there we are. Forever a mystery.

~

PERSON-FIRST vs. IDENTITY FIRST LANGUAGE

Identity-first language, as in “I’m autistic”. It acknowledges one’s autism as an inseparable part of one’s personality and sense of self.

Person-first language, as in “person with autism”. This seeks to define a person by their humanity rather than by their diagnosis.

I remembered that a while back the National Autistic Society in the UK did a survey and found that autistic people tend to prefer identity-first language. I was curious to see if my results would fit this, and they did - the majority of participants sometimes or always used identity-first language to describe their autism.

This was another question where you could select more than one answer, and there was an “other” box - but it’s very difficult for me to count those. Google Forms tells me 30 people selected “other”, but it doesn’t take into account the fact that some submissions were removed. If this number is accurate, then for perspective it’s less than half of the number who chose “I don’t know”.

~

DISABLED?

This question asked whether participants would describe themselves as disabled, in whole or in part due to their autism diagnosis.

It seems that 83% of participants sometimes or always describe themselves as disabled due to their autism.

~

DESCRIBING OUR ASD-NESS

This one was a make-it-up-as-I-go question; for about 100 responses I’d put “disorder” and “condition”, because those were the only terms I could think of. After a few people had entered “neurotype” I added it to the list, and around that time I noticed a few people had put “difference” so I added that too. That means, I think, that over 1,000 people had all four options available to choose from.

Neurotype took the lead pretty fast despite being added after the start, and stayed ahead.

I can kinda imagine how this happened. Disorder is pretty negative, difference is a little condescending for a lot of people, and condition is a very medical-subtext word. They could all, depending on context, carry a less than implication. Neurotype, on the other hand, is a very neutral word. Autism is one of multiple neurotypes, alongside non-autistic, and probably other neurotypes. It puts autistic people on the same level as non-autistic people in terms of power and social status and mental health. It’s interesting, and I can see the appeal.

Again, this was a question that let you choose multiple answers and it’s very difficult for me to count the “other” answers, but Google Forms tells me it’s 146, around 11%. These included words like “disability” and “impairment”, and also terms like “my brain” and “a way of thinking”.

~

WHERE DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THIS SURVEY?

Again, a question that lets you choose more than one answer, and the “other” answers are hard to count, but Google Forms tells me it may be around 33, or 2.5%.

I feel like I’ve covered the stuff about diversity and bias regarding the social networks in sections above, so I don’t really have much to say here!

~

FEELINGS ABOUT AUTISM SPEAKS

This question was just thrown in there because it’s something I’ve always wondered. A lot of people are very angry-shouty about Autism Speaks. Is this the prevalent opinion, or does it just seem that way because of the aforementioned angry-shoutiness?

That’s a yes, most people did not feel good about Autism Speaks. And it’s worth noting that I listed the “other” answers in the spreadsheet because wow.

People skipped having their vote counted as merely “bad” in order to vent some pretty visceral feelings here.

~

OVERALL SUMMARY, THOUGHTS ETC.

Well, erm, I don’t really know what to say here. We are autistic and we use social networks, I guess? This was a lot of fun for me, and I hope the results are interesting for you too!

I threw this form together hastily, and that probably shows; I think I would be more thoughtful about the wording next time. I also used Google Forms, which is great and accessible and freeeeee but it does have some limitations - mainly in counting the “other” entries and not adjusting its Forms-associated summary graphs when I delete troll or duplicate entries. This is fine, it just takes more time and energy to get the blog post graphs and numbers to be helpful.

So yeah! Thank you for taking part, if you took part! And if you’d like to be notified of a future autistic survey that I may or may not run, please feel free to put your email address here. :)