#especially the beginning of ch10. ouch

[gabugabs]

ditch the vampire court, go to your kid's play

ch5 of thicker than if /// @barbwritesstuff

[chiyalawritesrewind]

Rewind, Chapter 19

Fanfic: [ch1] [ch2] [ch3] [ch4] [ch5] [ch6] [ch7] [ch8] [ch9] [ch10] [ch11] [ch12] [ch13] [ch14] [ch15] [ch16] [ch17] [ch18] [ch19 on AO3] [ch19 on ffn]

Podfic: [ch1] [ch2] [ch3] [ch4] [ch5] [ch6] (Rest coming soon)

Pairing: Gratsu - Gray Fullbuster / Natsu Dragneel ; Acnologia / Zeref

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Major Character Death; Graphic Depiction of Violence

Summary: When a mission turns out to be fatal for one of the team members, Natsu finds himself being given another chance to change the events.

Additional information: weekly updates; every Sunday.

Beta by @serpenttailedangel and @wildrhov <333

Tagging list: @f-r-f-t @truedreamchasing @mushi0131 @eitomagical @galaxiesandfairies @eternalsterekbitches @becausewhenyoupracticeyouimprove @oliversantics @nekodemon73 @moonlustelara @pantykawa @ice-bringer (if somebody else wants to be tagged [or not tagged anymore] in the future, please let me know!)

Notes: If you read the last chapter, then this one shouldn't be a problem for you. If you skipped the last chapter because of the trigger warning (which wouldn't be a problem because it basically just contains Natsu committing suicide), then I'm not sure if this chapter might be triggering for you as well. It contains suicidal thoughts, especially at the beginning. Proceed with caution.

Also, because it's long ago and some people might have forgotten: Ultear keeps a diary, just like Natsu. That's why she 'remembers' the most important stuff. She and Jellal have a communication lacrima, so that's how he's informed pretty much right away if there's something wrong.

Enjoy!

"Come to me..."

"You are ready."

"I can help you now."

Was he dead? Was this was being dead felt like? Hearing voices?

"You were very brave."

It sounded like a female voice. An angel?

"You have a pure heart."

No, that part wasn't true. However, he couldn't answer. He didn't have a physical body.

"Salamander. Natsu Dragneel. You are ready now. Come to me."

Was it only one person talking? Or many?

"Can you hear me?"

'Yes,' he wanted to say but he couldn't. It was strange though that he could see something when he didn't have eyes. A woman appeared right before him. She had long blond hair, a gentle smile on her lips. She seemed familiar.

"Come to me. Alone or with your beloved one."

'My beloved one isn't here. He's still in the world of the living,' he wanted to say.

The smile of the woman grew more tender. "He is with you. You love him after all. He will always be with you."

'Gray... don't tell me you're also dead... permanently?'

"If not physically, he will be with you in your heart."

Oh, so that was what she meant.

"Promise you will come to me."

Why promise? Could somebody who was dead still keep promises? He'd failed so many of the promises he'd given. He couldn't be trusted with keeping them anymore. Besides, he was already right before her.

"Not in this realm. Come to me in the real world."

What was the real world? Was there even such a thing as a 'real world' for the dead?

"You are not dead. I can help you. Please come to me."

Not dead? Had Ultear not granted him his last wish? Didn't she know that she couldn't force somebody to live? Natsu had committed suicide once. He could do it again.

"What she did was right. You can save your beloved one now."

Save Gray? How should he be able to save him?

"Come to me. Promise."

Who was this woman? She seemed so familiar. And why did Natsu feel like he was drawn to her?

She held out her hand. "You know me. You promised something to me and you kept it. Now that your first promise is fulfilled, I want you to promise something else. Come to me. Please."

Natsu stretched out his hand, surprised to find that he had one. He jerked shortly before they touched, but when his gaze met hers, the hesitation was gone. They shook hands.

'I promise. I'll come to you. I'll save Gray.'

"I take you at your word. I am waiting for you, Natsu Dragneel."

She nodded and then shoved him backward.

Natsu jolted upright in his bed, panting heavily, the strange feeling of falling slowly fading. His whole body was shaking, and he couldn't even bring his hands to wipe the sweat from his forehead—instead, he ended up punching himself in the face.

"Ouch..."

'Useless body.'

He lowered his hand and looked around. His room was as untidy as always, but what caught his eye was the locked diary on his bedside table. Everything seemed so real. The stench of his own sweat, the pain in his face, the sheets. This couldn't possibly be a dream or the realm of the dead. So it was real then and Ultear hadn't respected his last wish.

If the circumstances were any different, Natsu would've become seriously angry at her. However, with the prospect of being able to save Gray's life this time, his spirits were revived. He pushed aside all thoughts that weren't directly related with his goal of saving Gray.

Since there was no way Natsu was going to save Gray while smelling like a gym locker room, he needed to take a shower first.

Just as Natsu stood in the middle of his bathroom, drying himself with his flames, he heard the door to his house bang open. He closed his eyes, listening closely and trying to identify the intruder. Before he even had the chance to process that the person was coming closer at a rapid pace, his bathroom door was kicked open, revealing a frantic looking Gray.

"Nats—oh."

Oh? Oh, right! He was still naked. Natsu grabbed the nearest towel, wrapped it around his hips, and tied it in a makeshift knot.

Gray was out of breath and flustered, but he neither backed off nor took his eyes off Natsu.

'Why is he here? He's never come to my house before. Did Lucy send him? But it's a bit too early for that. She's in the shower at seven. It can't be any later than twenty past seven. What happened yesterday? After my death...'

Natsu had to look away. He couldn't stand this strong feeling of guilt, couldn't look Gray in the eye. He felt that he shouldn't even be around Gray anymore, yet there was probably no way he'd be able to save him without being near him, right? He'd have to endure it, if only for a while longer. When Gray was saved and time didn't loop anymore, Natsu could atone for all he'd done.

"Jellal told me you're suicidal and that I need to check on you immediately. He wouldn't explain anything to me, he just said it would be too late if I don't run. What the hell is going on?"

Oh, great. That left Natsu with the task of explaining everything all over again. Because if he didn't, then Gray wouldn't believe him. That much was painfully clear since the morning of that fateful day when he'd tried to have sex with Gray without confessing.

He sighed. "Let's sit down somewhere. This will be a long story."

They decided on Natsu's bed since every other surface that was originally meant to be used for sitting was cluttered.

Natsu got the standard explanations over with, clumsily trying to leave out the fact that he and Gray had become lovers, but Gray noticed that something was off when Natsu was halfway through. It was bound to happen, with Natsu flinching and cutting off his sentences regularly. He wanted to wiggle his way out of the question, but Gray didn't let him.

"Come on, I can see that you're hiding something. Whatever it is, please tell me. I want to understand all of it. I won't judge you."

'Of course you won't. You'll like this part, and that's the problem. I'm not good for you, and you shouldn't want me of all people.'

"I'm sorry, but I can't tell you. It's not important for the story anyway."

"It's important to you, I can see that much. Please. I beg you."

Gray lowered his head, indicating a bow. This movement brought his head much closer to Natsu. If Natsu just stretched out his hand a bit, he could touch Gray's soft hair, his face...

'Cut the crap! You killed him. Get this over with, save him, and then get the fuck away from him! If you confess this time, he'll know and won't forget. He won't leave you alone. He'll find excuses for everything, he'll reason that you didn't do anything wrong when you clearly did.'

However, his body wasn't listening. His heart hurt so much it was unbearable. Only when his hand softly touched Gray's cheek did he notice what he'd done. Was there any way this could be mistaken for a friend's touch? Friends didn't caress each other's cheeks, did they? Natsu certainly didn't.

Gray sucked in a sharp breath at the contact and didn't move for a moment. Why couldn't Natsu just stop caressing? He was despicable, indulging in his feelings like he had every right to.

Hesitantly, Gray lifted his hand and placed it over Natsu's. His skin was always so warm. He was an ice mage, so shouldn't it be cold? Before Natsu even noticed that Gray had moved at all, he found himself staring right into icy blue eyes, the most beautiful pair of eyes Natsu had ever seen. He didn't deserve the way they looked at him: so warm, so full of love.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but... c-could it be... that y-you... uh, l-love me?"

Natsu wanted to object but he couldn't. He couldn't lie.

A tear dripped from his chin. Just when had he started crying? Gray wiped the tears away, and his hand lingered on Natsu's cheek longer than necessary.

"You must already know my answer. What's wrong then? Why are you crying? Or is it that you don't feel the same and you've just taken pity on me the last times?"

"I don't do such stuff with you out of pity!"

Gray's eyes widened only a fraction, and there was a glimmer that hadn't been there before.

Oh shit. Had he just... Yeah. Confessed. Stupid. Incredibly stupid.

"That's... good to hear. C-can you... uh, maybe tell o-or show me what kind of... err, stuff you've done with me? Though I think I can imagine... Probably... this."

Gray inched closer, a blush on his cheeks. He cupped Natsu's chin, tilted it slightly upward, and shortened the distance between their faces.

The moment their lips met, Natsu snapped back into awareness. He shoved Gray backward onto the bed and wiped his lips.

"Don't touch me! I killed you. On the ninth day, I killed you with my own hands. I have no right to be kissed by you anymore, no right to be loved by you. You shouldn't even be here. You should despise me!"

Gray's eyes widened, and he took a moment to sit back up.

"Is that why you're suicidal? Tell me exactly what happened."

That was what Natsu intended to do anyway, so he did. He needed to take a moment to calm down halfway through. Gray respected his wish and stayed away, calming him with words alone. The rest went smoothly. Telling Gray that he really did commit suicide the previous time had him feeling nervous and guilty, but as soon as it was out, there was nothing left. Only emptiness. He didn't dare look anywhere but at his sheets, too afraid of Gray's reaction.

"You said you 'killed' me, but what you did wasn't something you could control. I don't see any reason why you should blame yourself. I mean it. You were talking of fate; why can't you accept that fate had this planned for you from the start? I don't want you to feel like shit because of that, and I'm sure I didn't blame you when it happened."

Natsu punched the bedsheets, but didn't look up. "You didn't have time for that because that sword pierced your heart! You died right away."

"Well, that doesn't change the fact that you can't be held responsible for my death. And anyway, why does it even matter? I realize it must be hard for you, but try considering it from a different angle. It didn't change anything, right? If you hadn't accidentally pushed me into that sword, I would've died of a heart attack."

Natsu knew that this would happen. Gray didn't understand what he was going through. How could he, if he'd never experienced something like this?

"You can't possibly know that. I could've saved you. You don't know how this feels..."

At that, Gray cupped Natsu's chin and tilted his head back up, glaring daggers at him.

"I do know what it feels like. Don't you remember that Ur died because of me? I might not have pushed her into a blade, but I did cause her death. If it weren't for me, she wouldn't have fought against Deliora. She wouldn't have had to use Iced Shell to protect Lyon and me. She was like a mother to me, and I had to live on with the remorse of having killed my mother."

"That's not the same!"

"Of course it's not. But the resulting feelings are similar. Remorse. Guilt. Self-hatred. Do you know who helped me get over it? You. You and the others, but mainly you. When we first met, I didn't enjoy life at all. I was full of hate and thirst for revenge. My smiles were rare and mostly fake. I hated you and your positive attitude, but our rivalry gave me back what I thought I'd lost forever. I didn't even notice at the time, but it was you who saved me from my inner demons. It was you who made me laugh again. So please, let me be the one to save you from your demons now."

Save him? What if Natsu didn't want to be saved?

'That's not true and you know it. You can't lie to yourself. Of course you want to be saved! Of course you want to spend more time with the one you love. You're selfish, and deep down you know that it wasn't entirely your fault this happened. You want to atone for what you've done, yet at the same time you want to be forgiven and be happy, even though you think you have no right to be... What is right, what is wrong? What is okay and what is not? Why is this situation so fucked up?'

This train of thought lead nowhere; it only made his head spin, as did the current conversation with Gray. They could talk about this once everything was resolved. There were more urgent matters at hand, and they were only wasting precious time. Thus Natsu decided to change the topic and get to the point.

He gave a noncommittal sigh and said, "Anyway, there's still something I didn't tell you. This morning I had a dream. Lydia, the oracle, called me. She said she can help me now and we should come to the Magic Council again."

Gray let out a surprised gasp. "You mean you had to commit suicide in order to move things along?"

Natsu flinched. "What? How should me committing suicide make any difference?"

"I have no idea, but what else could've caused this? If I understood correctly, the only thing you did the last time was committing suicide, right? Or maybe it was because you didn't try to save me for once."

Gray didn't expect Natsu to answer, that much was clear. Natsu wouldn't have been able to provide a proper answer anyway because he hadn't given the why any thought until now. Questions and possibilities flooded his mind, leaving him unable to form a coherent thought for a moment.

What if he needed to offer up his life in exchange for Gray to live? What if that was the key to stopping this? Could he die for Gray, exchange his life for the man he loved to end the cycle?

His answer was clear: he'd do it without hesitation. Just like Gray had done the first two times, Natsu wouldn't have to think twice about his decision.

Gray snapped him out of his thoughts by jumping up and saying, "Anyway, that's great, let's go! And just to be clear: I won't let you commit suicide again. I'll do anything I can to heal your wounded soul." He held out an inviting hand, encouraging Natsu with a nod to take it.

Well, if he was going to die and thus redeem his sins, he might as well enjoy his last day, right? Not only did Natsu take Gray's hand to pull himself upright, but he also stumbled right into Gray's arms. Maybe it was selfish, even undeserved, but he pressed their lips into a much-needed kiss.

Gray didn't reciprocate at first, but after a few heartbeats, he wrapped his arms tightly around Natsu's waist, kissing him back. Natsu let out a contented sigh, pushing away all the negative thoughts for now.

Having Gray so close again, being held by his strong arms, having his soft lips pressed against his own... It was so much more than Natsu had let himself hope for. No, it wasn't a matter of hope. It was a matter of self-restraint, which Natsu evidentially didn't possess.

Gray licked over Natsu's lips, and before Natsu even knew what was happening, he opened his mouth to welcome Gray's warm tongue. When Gray loosened the embrace, Natsu nearly let out a grunt of protest, but the next second Gray's hands slipped under the towel, groping his ass. The movement untied the makeshift knot, and the towel slid down Natsu's legs, pooling around his ankles. Natsu knew he shouldn't let himself be seduced, he totally wasn't going to, but indulging for a few seconds more wouldn't hurt, right?

However, when his cock stirred, a wave of guilt overcame him. He shoved Gray away and covered his crotch with his hands, feeling self-conscious.

"Don't. We have a mission to do. Let's go."

Gray's face was flushed, his eyes fixed on the floor. "I'm sorry. I got carried away."

"It's okay, but let's focus. I'm not gonna let you die again."

Gray gave a small nod. He said he'd wait outside and left Natsu alone. Natsu could hear Happy questioning Gray about what happened 'between the two of them,' but he tuned their conversation out in favor of getting ready quickly.

He was almost done when the diary on his bedside table caught his attention again. He hadn't yet opened it to check if there was something new written in it. His throat constricted when he thought of all the possible outcomes of the previous day. They surely found his diary and thus knew that he committed suicide.

'But what if they also found my corpse? Gray... what would you do if you found my dead body? I didn't want you to find it. I thought I went far enough... Far enough so that nobody would find me... But still... what if...'

His hands were shaky as he removed his necklace and reached out for the diary. He needed several tries until he managed to fit the key into the lock, growing more nervous with every second.

'Just a quick glance, maybe skim over it, but then I'll close it again. We already wasted enough time as it is.'

He should've known that it wouldn't work, that he would sit down on his bed and read all of it. His insides clenched painfully as he imagined Gray sitting beside his dead body, crying, desperate, probably angry. A needle piercing his heart couldn't have been any more painful than this. When he finished, he went back and reread the sentences that had the most impact on him, blinking his sight clear of tears every few seconds.

I can barely see anything anymore and my throat is sore. I can't believe you did this.

I beg you, don't kill yourself again. Do it for me.

Let me be your reason to live.

I love you so much, I don't know what to do with myself.

Life without you will be possible... but it's pointless.

You've clearly lost all hope, and I want nothing more than to give it back to you.

And then, of course also the whole last paragraph, written by Lucy:

Gray didn't fully let it on in his text just how devastated he actually was. He went on a rampage. It took Erza, Freed, Laxus, Mirajane, and me to stop him. Don't do this to him again. Don't do this to all of us. We love you. We'll help you get over your trauma. We'll always be there for you. But right now, we have no other choice than to put our faith in you. Please save Gray. And please let yourself be saved by us.

Natsu bit his bottom lip and wiped his face dry.

'Stop wasting precious time, idiot. We have to leave now.'

He shook his head, resolutely closed and locked the diary, put it into his rucksack and got up.

When Natsu emerged, Happy was in Gray's arms, crying. Gray had told him everything, or at least most of it, then. The sight sent a stab of pain and remorse through Natsu and his feet automatically carried him toward them. He laid his hand on Happy's head.

"I'm so sorry, Happy.HapHhh"

As a reaction, Happy hurled himself right into Natsu's arms, and his sobbing intensified.

'That's right... Happy and Gray are the ones who would suffer the most from my death. I haven't thought about their feelings at all. What a selfish way to act. Didn't I blame Gray for the exact same thing on the third day? For "throwing away his life" without considering my feelings? I'm such a failure.'

Natsu squeezed Happy in a weak attempt to apologize, although he wasn't sure if Happy even knew of his suicide. Maybe he was just crying because he heard Gray died so many times already. Natsu couldn't ask Gray what exactly he'd told Happy without calling attention to the fact that there was possibly something Happy hadn't been informed of yet.

However, Gray locked eyes with him, shook his head, nodded toward Happy, and held a pointer finger to his lips in a shushing gesture. Then Natsu understood; they weren't going to tell him. Natsu gave Gray a curt nod and a thankful smile, relieved that Happy didn't notice the gesture, or at least didn't let on.

Had Gray already told Happy that they had to go to the Magic Council today? Would they take Happy with them or not? Natsu had neglected him too much in the past days, and if this was his last day, then he wanted to spend his last hours with the two people most precious to him. In his dream, Lydia said that he should come 'alone or with his beloved one,' but Happy could just wait outside, right? It shouldn't be a problem.

"Shhh. Don't cry. It's gonna be okay. Did Gray already tell you that I can save him today? I've been called to the Magic Council. The oracle will help us."

Happy's grip on Natsu tightened. "It's o-okay, I c-can handle i-i-it, you d-don't have t-to lie—"

"I'm not lying. I have been summoned to the Magic Council in my dreams. That lady can help us."

Happy peeled himself from Natsu's arms and looked at him with a frown. "Why didn't she help you earlier, then? Gray said it's the eleventh day."

"She couldn't. I don't know why, but we'll find out once we are there. Let's go!"

Natsu flashed a bright smile, grabbed Happy's paw and Gray's hand, and pulled them along.

Finally being on the way to the person who could help them save Gray's life lifted Natsu's spirits and mood palpably. It seemed to have the same effect on Gray and Happy. He only let go of Happy's paw after the umpteenth complaint that he would prefer to fly. Gray didn't complain. Quite the opposite; he laced their fingers together, a soft smile on his face as he easily matched Natsu's pace.

Natsu only realized now how much he'd missed seeing Happy smile, and how much he'd missed being together with his two favorite people. His heart clenched painfully at the thought that this was possibly his last chance to enjoy their presence in a somewhat carefree setting.

Even so, it would be worth it. There was nothing more important to him than Gray's wellbeing. If that meant sacrificing his life, Natsu would do it without hesitation or regret.

Things are heating up~

This is your second last chapter where you have room to wonder about their bond and Natsu's sacrifice. Things will be revealed in Chapter 21.

Do you think Natsu is right with his thought process? Maybe you have another idea altogether?

See you next Sunday :)