#especially since i've always struggled with drawing emotions in the past

[bluegekk0]

Doing the expression challenge was so fun, it definitely lived up to the name cause portraying some of those emotions was a bit of a struggle (especially those I've never heard of before haha). I do hope people like it as much as I liked making it ;;

[shima-draws]

I've been teasing her for months!! But at long last her ref is complete 🌷

I actually DON'T have a 5 page essay on her backstory this time (like I did for Ilari LMAO) but I do have some info about her if anybody is curious!

Name: Ione

Age: 25

Hair color: Silver

Eye color: Orangish-yellow

Element: Light

Grabbing info from the few posts I've talked about her already, Ione was originally a very famous singer, pretty much an idol within the world of ATS. She'd hold huge concerts that were always sold out and people from around the world would flock to see her perform. Eventually tho all of the attention started to attract the wrong kinds of people, and sooner or later Ione was "scouted" by a very rich man who wanted her all to himself. She was manipulated and blackmailed into signing a contract with him that would essentially end her touring and make it so that she would become a private singer for him. He basically chained her with this contract and so she disappeared from the public eye.

Ione soon discovered that other people with similar talents had also been gathered and trapped by this man's contracts. Among them was a prodigy violin player who she grew very close with. The two of them struggled under the demands of this man, and eventually violin boy started to get physically abused by him 😭 Things escalated to the point where Ione decided she wanted OUT and was determined to do anything to escape. This led to a very...traumatic event that caused her to go mute by choice.

When Ione finally makes her escape, thankfully she's changed so much that people don't recognize her in public (mostly her hair! It used to be short and didn't cover one of her eyes before). Shortly after she runs into Nahu and his group, and is unceremoniously recruited to join them lol (Nahu can be VERY persuasive). Ione communicates with them through sign language, which luckily a couple of them are fluent in--Ezio and Sage to be specific. They then teach the others in the group sign language too. It takes Nahu a bit to get the hang of it bc he has like, no attention span whatsoever, but being a dragon elemental helps since his senses are super attuned all the time, so he can generally tell what Ione is feeling and what she's trying to convey when she talks to him :")

Over time Ione grows closer with them, and like everybody else is hit with the Found Family, and realizes that yeah. She'd do absolutely ANYTHING for this group of crazy weirdos. She starts to fall in love with Nahu (bc who WOULDN'T), and slowly gains the courage to use her voice again. This leads to secret meetings with Sage, who helps her relearn how to use her vocal cords.

Eventually her past catches up with her, of course, but the group all bands together to set her free from it. She has to face off against violin boy, who thought she'd abandoned him and got Messed Up Mentally as a result, so THAT'S a thing she's gotta deal with. But she's able to reach him by singing for the first time in over five years, and everyone absolutely loses their shit at how beautiful her voice is and they all cry and it’s very emotional!!

Even after regaining her voice she still prefers to stay quiet most of the time, as that is what she's comfortable with, but she's totally okay with speaking when she needs to. Also I need to mention this but bc she used to be like. An idol. Obviously her routines consisted of both song and dance so she's a pretty good dancer. Out of everyone in the group, Ione is the ONLY person Ezio will dance with (and he is a very VERY good dancer himself, but will only dance with someone who can keep up with him, which Ione can). Everyone is very jealous of this, ESPECIALLY Nahu lol bc he wants to dance with Ezio too 😂

Ione's a light elemental! I haven't given a LOT of thought into her powers yet but I do know that her singing makes her stronger and also gives her powers a boost, which in turn helps the rest of the group. She also can ride on these light waves--I will have to draw them sometime bc I can't really explain them in words, it'd be better to show them visually lol

And that's her!! My flower light mute girl <33333

[gemapples]

my new year's artwork won't be done until tomorrow, but i at least wanted to make a little post celebrating it before it turns! see you in 2025 ❤️

going into a personal ramble about my year under the cut. im mostly just talking to the void but feel free to read if you want!

this year has been. wow. if i had to put the definition of an emotional rollercoaster it would be this year for me

so much happened, yet so much DIDN'T happen simultaneously?? i don't really know how to think tbh 😭 i think above all i'm relieved it's over and i get to (hopefully) have a fresh start again

i got a lot accomplished this year. i graduated and got a degree which is a huge thing!!! i went for and accomplished lot of difficult things i had to do that i wouldn't even think about considering last year, and i feel my mental health has been beyond improved from it. last year i took note of how i consistently put myself in a box to make others happy, and i noticed i significantly improved in regards to how i see myself and made sure to put my own health first. there's still MUCH more to work on, god, and i've still been struggling with it, but i've been taking steps and that's all that matters to me. i want to continue taking better care of myself next year

on the downside though.. a bunch of personal stuff i had no control over happened in july and to put it in a way, i was scared for my life. it's settled now, and even got better, but i haven't been that terrified in a very long time. it was so difficult for me to cope with and i'm very grateful it's not something to worry about anymore, but i would be lying if i said i wasn't scared for what horrific event next year will bring for me. i noticed the past few years, something awful happened that made me seriously question, doubt or even straight up hating myself :') and i'm not looking forward to experiencing that again next year in the slightest. but at least, i'll try to get better at it

i've felt pretty disappointed and unhappy with my art this year as well, for whatever reason. it was mentioned to me that it could just be burnout (i HAVE been drawing more consistently than i ever have throughout this year, especially due to college, which makes sense) but whatever i try to do experimental-wise, i just can't be happy with it. i think the major reason is the way i've been shading, because i might be instinctively holding myself back. i don't want my art to be too eyestrainy or give people headaches by looking at it obviously, but i feel like as a result i've been making my art feel too "muddy" for my liking. so! i decided one of my new years resolutions will be to be way more spontaneous with the way i use colors and try not to put that box on myself. one thing i can say is, i tried a Lot of new things with art this year, including working on complex backgrounds, putting in way more effort into pieces enough to be full illustrations, etc etc. and i hope to break a ton more boundaries next year too. regardless, i can't thank you enough for your continued support. it seriously means a ton to me. i know i repeat myself a lot but i always mean it

hopefully 2025 will bring us more kirby too! we haven't had a full year without a new kirby game since 2021, and even then forgotten land got revealed! so i get the feeling something HUGE is coming. also looking forward to pokemon legends z-a too (im insane over it). and the hypothetical manager magolor plush. <- copium.

thanks for reading, and i hope 2025 is a fun, enjoyable year. hopefully it'll be nice to us

~ mac ❤️

[nolongerapileofashprobably]

I just want to say that BOTW/TOTK's Zelda is the first version of the character I've ever loved, and I've been a LoZ fan since OoT. It just frustrates me the way some fans lambast her for being angry at Link in BOTW and also claim she was wasted/fridged/sidelined/reduced to "pure sacrificial maiden" and had her adorable nerd personality stripped away in TOTK (also claiming her sacrifice in TOTK is an attempt to validate Rhoam's treatment of her in BOTW). I thought her arc in TOTK was a wonderful continuation of the one she had in BOTW and showed how much stronger she had grown. Poor gal can't catch a break. What are your thoughts?

….I do not know how long of an answer you expected, but I have so many thoughts. So. Many. Thoughts. And boy do I go on tangents when I should be sleeping. Anyway. Here you go :)

For the most part, I hold a lot of the Zelda’s near and dear to my heart! Though, admittedly, it comes from the fandom’s exploration of these characters rather than just purely canonical content.

But Botw/Totk Zelda…. I don’t need any ‘additional’ content or exploration beyond what we see in the games to make me absolutely love and adore her. She is the most developed Zelda and she has an amazing arc— her complex feelings regarding her own magic, the complicated relationship she had with her father, the realistic exploration of her feelings regarding Link and how they went from jealousy and dislike to acceptance and adoration.

I always find that many complex and well developed characters are nearly always wasted on those who cannot look past mistakes (especially ones that set up future developments and start plot lines). Sometimes, people fixate on the moments writers use to cement that yes, this character is in a very low point of their life and the way they cope is not the ‘good’ way to.

The first memory in botw tells us that Zelda is none too thrilled to have Link as her knight attendant and the Hylian Champion. That she’s using him to project her own frustrations regarding her own failures. Which is the very introduction used to draw us in, make us curious about her history and how Link is tied into any of it.

So many just… can’t see past the reason we are shown this memory, nor why her frustrations led her to yell at Link. Because she was absolutely powerless and unlike Link who has had the Master Sword since he was 12, she had nothing to show. And her character is constantly forced to listen to her father, to heed the teachings she was vaguely given through one-off comments her mother and grandmother said. She was forbidden to pursue her hobbies and give it all up for the sake of the prophecy.

And then, to find out that Zelda awakened her powers through love, love for Link who she initially misjudged and mistreated, is so so powerful. Because she had grown to resent the spirits and herself. But Link. She grew to not only care for Link but to fall in love with him. And that instinct, that belief, that faith, that love. That is what sparked the power within her.

Zelda finally heard the spirit in the sword. She understood her part in this fight. For so long she had struggled to find her power, and she awakened it just in time to save Link, but at the cost of everyone else she held dear.

Something I don’t think a lot of people who criticize and hate Zelda understand is that Zelda’s pure and unwavering faith in Link is her drive to make these sacrifices. She knows it will be worth it. Because she believes in Link. And she supports him in whatever way she can. The reason they don’t understand this is because they can’t see past Zelda’s initial emotions regarding Link. They can’t see how she never believed in herself but she always had unflinching faith in him once she got to know him.

Then to see her accept that her magic has been sapped from its constant, draining use for the last 100 years at the end of botw…. It is a powerful moment. She fought so long to have those powers, ones her father berated her for not having access to, but she can finally accept that she can’t hear the spirit in the sword anymore. That’s development.

And for those who think Zelda’s cute adorable nerdiness was wiped from totk obviously don’t have the greatest history of understanding context clues. Zelda legitimately geeks out in the very first opening sequence of totk.

*totk Spoilers ahead*

She goes on and on about the Imprisoning War and the Zonai, taking pictures and obviously ecstatic about the discovery. She finds the Master Sword’s ability to heal itself fascinating. She founded research teams and build a school to further education in Hyrule. She wasn’t just a nerd. She was the Princess of Nerds.

Her sacrifice in ToTK is at surface level the action of a sacrificial maiden. Those who can’t read beyond that won’t understand it any other way. They won’t see how important it is that Fi sought Zelda thousands of years into the past, when in the beginning of botw she couldn’t even hear the spirits. They won’t understand how Zelda’s unflinching faith in Link parallels Link’s unflinching loyalty to Zelda. ToTK is a zelink centered game. Yep. I said it. We all know it’s true.

The entire plot revolves around, get this, Finding Princess Zelda.

Link’s entire motivation behind this game is to find Zelda. That is quite literally all he truly wants to do. He wants to find her. He isn’t there for duty. He just simply wants to find her.

And she is in the past, ensuring Link has every possible thing to help him secure a future for Hyrule. She went from detesting her place in the prophecy, from being forced to comply to her father’s choices, to embracing her role as the Princess of Hyrule and choosing her own way of aiding Link.

Totk gave Zelda the supportive father figure and guiding mother figure she sorely lack in botw. It showed us and Zelda that despite having the things she didn’t have, they still failed. Sonia was killed. Rauru had to sacrifice himself.

Zelda had to sacrifice herself. She was known for being stubborn, perceptive, analytical, and independent. Now she is known for her kindness, her intelligence, her empathy, and her compassion. And she sacrificed it all just to give Link the Master Sword. Because she had unwavering faith he could defeat Ganondorf.

Zelda is a RIDICULOUSLY complex character who has been through so much. But complexity is lost on those who only look for the simple, easy to understand things. So she is bound to have haters.

But for those who can understand and admire that development, we see Zelda for who she is. And if it’s any consolation, so does Link. While this game didn’t officially make zelink canon, they did make it canon that Link stayed by Zelda’s side after the Calamity. Once she was gone, they again made it canon that he would not stop until she was back with him. His Zelda. The one that rambles and excitedly tells Link that so much has happened.

Botw/totk Zelda is so so complex. And for that reason alone, she will have haters. But they don’t know or understand her. Not in any way that truly matters. Because those who do understand her and love her, well, it’s pretty clear that’s the way to go if Link’s main purpose and the entirety of totk tells us.

[straykidsnerd255]

Hello!

Its ✒️ nonnie! I was wondering if you could do a Solo leveling matchup for me please and thank you!

MBTI: INFJ

Chinese zodiac: Snake

Astrological sign: Gemini

Appearance wise: I am 5'5' with brown almond shaped eyes, a button nose, and an oval face. I have pale manilla skin, a softened hourglass figure, and straight black hair that goes to my shoulders.

Overall, outfit wise, in the cooler weather, I like wearing large scarves and cozy sweaters. In the summer, I either wear loose summer dresses or athleasure due to my preference for comfort. But the overall theme is light accademia

Hobby-wise, I have quite a lot. In my free time I can be caught napping, reading, drawing, learning new things, singing (my voice is best for softer songs), playing videogames (kirby, Ender Lillies, Stardew Valley), and dancing. I actually get super shy when people find out my hobbies, especially when they catch me singing, I get flustered and become a bit of a tsundere.

Personality: I’ve been described as carrying an elegant yet intimidating vibe when people first meet me. To strangers, I am reserved and anxious. After warming up to people, I am akin to a kind grandma. People tend to come to me for advice, comfort, or just to listen. In contrast to popular belief, I am quite chaotic and philosophical. With friends, I am known to be witty, goofy, and melodramatic. At times, I am unhindged and give really chaotic advice. I've also been described as being pretty simple due to my enjoyment of the little things. But also, I've been described as a cat, since kinda just ask for hugs and leave people alone mostly (also because I like to sit on tables and stuff ajdbhsbsj). I'm not afraid to tease people who I am close to or make fun of myself either. When I'm alone, either im completely silent, sing, or talk to myself since my brain is always so busy, akin to constant radio static.

By nature, I am quite secretive despite appearing as an open book.(I am described as a "riddle, wrapped in an enigma, shoved in a beehive") It is more of I do not show off, but if not asked, I won't tell people. I’ve been described as observant and calculating because of my tendency to read people and act oblivious on purpose. I’m super dense in the events of romantic pursuit (which is ironic beacuse I'm requesting a matchup ) My world view is realistic/ pessimistic, due to past experiences (bullying and religious trauma)  and have struggled with self harm, severe depression and an ED.  Even though I am still working on it, I am in a better place now than before. I have a deep sense of self-awareness and understanding of my emotions, and I think that's why people approach me for comfort.

My love language is quality time! I don't nessessary need to be with someone 24/7, but just being able to hang out with someone doing mundane things or just going out once in a while means a lot to me. I am quite timid with physical affection (the type to ask for hugs). I also tend to worry about others more than myself, so I may neglect my own needs.

Here are some fun facts:

• I like subdued pastels or darker hues over bright colors (I have sensitive eyes)

• I like to travel or just explore places in general.

• My favorite kind of weather is either a blizzard, heavy rain/ thunderstorms, or sunny with strong winds. My favorite season is winter

• I love to learn! I am prone to hyper-fixate on topics and learn as much as I possibly can about said topic (as a result, I have a plethora of knowledge on random subjects, i.e., wine history, beer history fashion ext)

• I am a fan of the sciences (specifically environmental sciences,  sustainability, and plants)

• I am awful at math :(

• I will try anything once despite my sensitive stomach (I’ve consumed a North Carolina Reaper pepper burrito ((even had to sign a contract)) and got sick as a result

• People are really surprised that I can sing. It's to the point that people keep insisting I should join a choir (which I declined regularly, since i like to sing since its fun)

(Ps: i got carried away wity the info, but i hope its okay 😅)

I love the longer info for match-ups. It gives me more to write and I can have more creative fun with it too.  I hope that you enjoy this and hope that it's what you wanted! Thank you so much for requesting!!<3

I will match you with our beloved S Rank Healer Min Byung Gyu! (I’m still not over his death by the way. I freaking miss him so much.)

Now, Byung Gyu absolutely adores you. He would burn the world to make sure you are smiling. He’s also extremely protective of you after hearing of the trauma and the pain you have experienced. He will and would do anything for you if it means you can find the peace you deserve. He loves all your shortcomings. Byung Gyu loves playing with your hair. He loves the way it feels when he brushes his fingers through it. He finds your unhinged and chaotic side the most lovable about you. He loves seeing you act like yourself even when he is around. 

Byung Gyu loves your personality. He finds your elegant yet intimidating vibe is just you. He finds it beautiful when you open up to him for the first time. When you tell him everything about you. When you tell him how much you trust him and view him as more than just a friend. How he makes you feel safe and protected. Byung Gyu is always telling you just how much he loves you and everything about you. When you purposely leave things out, he never questions it and never asks. He knows that when you are comfortable, you will tell him the things that you didn’t tell him before. He respects your boundaries and won’t ever step over them. Byung Gyu is the king of making you feel comfortable about yourself. He is always complimenting you or making you feel special in some way or another.

The first time he found you sitting on the table, he was confused, but just shrugged, knowing how much you like sitting on tables and things. When he’s had a rough day as a healer, he just wants to sit with you on the couch and watch movies together. When Byung Gyu wasn’t having to play healer, he often sat with you on the couch while you were playing video games and he would be reading. Sometimes Byung Gyu would be sleeping on the couch, exhausted from being a hunter.

The day you told him about self harming, he wanted to use his healing on the scars. To take them away, but he also wanted you to learn to love those scars. He would kiss each of them, telling you everything he loved about them. When you are having a bad day, he will open his arms and let you choose if you want to give him a hug or not. If you decided not to give him a hug, he would lower his arms but allow you to vent to him. He would listen to you. He would console you. He would let you cry on his shoulder. He was there to protect you. If you decide to take up his offer for a hug, his arms would wrap around you, holding you gently. It felt like a blanket when he hugs you. He knows you are not too keen on physical affection, but he takes whatever he can get when you let him. 

He remembers coming by to visit you one day after a mission and heard you singing. You had given him a key to your place but he was still a gentleman and knocked on your door. He heard your singing stop and you walked to the door. When you saw him standing there, a smile on his face, you grew shy before huffing and turning away from the door. He chuckled but entered the house, shutting the door behind him and making his way to the couch, his body sore and needing rest. He finds your voice so calming that he has fallen asleep to you singing when he comes to visit. He’s always polite and always asking you if you need help with anything even if you tell him no every time.

Byung Gyu loves taking you out on little dates around the city, showing his favorite things he likes to. He loves watching you get excited. The way your eyes shine and the way that you move around to see everything. He is absolutely whipped for you. He always asks if he can hold your hand and loves when you take his hand in yours. He always keeps an eye on how you are doing. Makes sure that you are drinking water, or eating something when you look hungry or thirsty. Byung Gyu is an attentive partner,even if you don’t take care of yourself and are always fussing and worrying over others, he worries about you and if you are doing ok. 

He finds your love for learning fascinating. How you could talk about fashion for hours at a time. He would just place his chin on his fists and listen to you talk all day. When you are done about a certain topic, he will ask you to talk about others, watching your eyes light up with happiness as you start talking about a different topic. When you guys are out shopping, and he knows the place has brighter colors more than the subdued darker colors, he places a pair of sunglasses on your face. Ones that are meant to tone down the colors. You find his caring side absolutely amazing. He’s always taking care of you no matter what. After leaving the store, what used to be a sunny afternoon, became blanketed in a dark sky. Rain began pouring from the dark clouds, a loud clap of thunder filling the air. Byung Gyu remembered you telling him how much you love thunderstorms and watched you run out into the rain and spin around as another thunderclap could be heard rolling across the sky. 

When he asked you what you hated the most, your immediate answer was math. You told him just how much you hated math and watched as he laughed before nodding his head along to what you were telling him. He noticed the animated way you spoke about your dislike of math and smiled as you continued. You told him that you were awful when it came to it and that you struggled more with math than normal (I feel that. I can’t do math to save my life.) When asking about a subject you enjoyed, you immediately told him that you loved science, specifically environmental science. You could just talk about the plants all day everyday. Byung Gyu loved listening to you talk about plants just like he loved when you talked about the other things you loved. Byung Gyu just loved listening to you talk in general.

When you told him about the time you ate a North Carolina Reaper burrito, you mentioned that you had to sign a waiver about it and it ultimately ended with you getting sick because of it. Byung Gyu was worried for you but you tell him that you are ok now. You told him that you liked trying new things even if you had a sensitive stomach. Byung Gyu was amazed that even with a sensitive stomach, you were willing to try anything. One day, both you and Byung Gyu pressed back to back when you started talking. You asked him if he liked to travel, and when he said he wanted to try and travel somewhere, you mentioned a few places that you had been that you really adored. 

Remembering the time he heard you sing; he brought it up again, asking if you had ever wanted to join a choir or anything similar, but you told him that you didn’t, mainly because you liked to sing just for fun. Byung Gyu nodded his head, his eyes shifting as he looked at you, a soft smile on his face. “Would you consider singing if I was in the same room? I really like your voice; it puts me at ease.” He said, watching as your face turned bright red. Normally, you get really shy when something like that is said but with Byung Gyu, you felt happy. That night, you and Byung Gyu sat on the couch of your home, completely relaxed, reading books you both had wanted to read, as a sense of security fell over you both. ‘This is nice. I like this warm feeling.’ You thought, diving back into the book you were reading.

[inhumanetrash]

Random ramblings post bc life

I think it's so crazy how fast the past four years have gone by

It feels like I was just going to first grade of high school and now I'm somehow one month away from the final exam and a few months away from going to college.

I usually say I don't feel that I've changed at all since I was like 10 but looking back at who I was during first grade of high school I realise how much I've actually changed. Personality,interest and art wise.

So much has happened in the past two years especially that it's so crazy but ultimately there are now moments where I feel like an actual adult and moments where I feel like a child in an adult situation but I've learned to actually take things head on and not to run away into daydreaming like I used to.

I still struggle with the fact that I barely feel emotions but I've actually put effort into trying to dig them out. For the past two years I've felt dissatisfied with my art because i had no connection to it,it felt artificial. So I took a break from fanart and fandom culture and after doing art that would classify as projecting/vent i do feel like what I draw now feels like me (and I hate showing it because it feels like showing my vulnerabilities lmaoo)

Also I've been in a relationship for a year now and it forced me to actually try and improve my issues instead of just acknowledging them and doing nothing and I think it's one of the Greatest things that could have happened .

I'm scared of the future but I feel like no matter what I do it'll turn out well as I'll never have to be in high school again and even if I don't get into college I can just get a job and try again.

I failed my driver's test twice but I'll try again this summer to finally have freedom of not relying on public transport and Uber.

I also constantly overthink whether going to college for a painting degree is the right choice but I can always quit and change my college degree (love free education).

I still feel the long term effects of not having any friends in the pandemic and before the pandemic (like,some social skills are not there 💀) but I'm learning to overcome them and it's coming easier than expected.

[enetarch-working-w-adhd]

7 Things Needed for a Successful ADHD Quest

OH LOOK! Something Shiny and New off in the distance!!!

Describe your Quest to your Team

Story Board and Scrap Book your Quest

How long will this Quest take?

What are the rewards along the way?

How will you face set backs?

One of the things that I tell clients when they ask how to prepare for classes in a new area of study, is to begin studying the subject by taking a school book, reading through it, then working through the problems. Blog about their progress, if they can. But only, when they feel comfortable, should they start attending classes. They want the classes to be easy. Getting (A's) are very motivating.

What does this have to do with our quest model above, let's review.

The first thing that all ADHDrs have problems with is the Shiny and New. We love it. We create a whole world around it. We will stick with it for ... Oh look, something Shiny and New!!! .. ever??? The shiny and new is not forever, it's until we find the next shiny and new thing, which makes having very long goals very hard. So, to maintain our focus on a very long term goal, we need to have external reminders about our long term goal.

This is where team building becomes important. Your team will remind you and support you as you achieve your long term goal. You don't need team members who remind you about all your failures, but team members who know about how you got derailed last time, and what works to return you to this one goal. Team members who want to read about your struggles and small successes and are willing to write back words of encouragement.

This is where story boarding / brain storming come in handy. You can front load your quest guide so that you can keep track of mile stones. Like, if you're taking a 4 year bachelors program, each class could become a milestone. Or, each book you need to study, even before you start the class. Or, getting a list of the courses, and then a list of books, and building your own topic list concerning everything you have to learn.

As you won't know how long this quest will take, you will need to write down estimates on your quest guide. These can change as you become more familiar with the material you are learning. What seemed like it would take days, may actually take months / years. It's ok, readjust, write down your new estimates based on new information, and remind your team to keep cheering for you.

This is why a scrap book is needed. Not just a story board. The scrap book contains your greatest highlights of your successes to help you keep going. Long term goals take time. Seeing how far you have come, in in itself can be a positive motivational experience, when things look hard. And, provide material for your team to call upon when you're hitting an especially hard milestone. You've got this.

How will you reward yourself at each milestone? How should your team celebrate your successes. A small party? A video night? A night out? Ice Cream? The rewards can be big or small depending on the amount of work you feel you need to put into each milestone to achieve it.

There is always something that will set you back. If it's not the shiny new, then it's a life event, or maybe you missed something along your quest's path. The set back isn't a bad event, just an event. You'll get past it and back on your quest. Have your team help you work through the block. Slay the beast! Climb the mountain! Crawl through the bogs of despair! You are strong. You got this.

Now, since I've been describing this from the perspective of a quest, I suggest that you draw out your quest as a map that has twist and turns, hills and valleys, scary caves, and slides into valleys of flowers and cupcakes. Use a push pin board so that you can mark your progress, and use various push pins to represent your emotional state at each stage of progress. You can tape rewards from others to this board. You can put dragons on the path to represent hard times ahead. Or beams of sunshine. Make the board work for you.

Above all remember .. positive events motivate you .. And, there are ever very few negative events. Find ways to curate as many positive events as you can to remain motivated to remain on your long term quest. And, make sure you're honestly posting an emoji about your emotional state daily.

[hollowsart]

I just wanted to say thank you for doing self-insert ships. For years I've struggled to so much as write/draw oc x canon ships, and seeing you do self-inserts is very encouraging for me. Maybe it's old Tumblr or the circles I've frequented as a preteen, or maybe it's the videos I watched as a kid claiming to "fix" ocs... but I'm always worried about how others feel even though I never even post these ships. It's all for fun, and I am enjoying myself especially because I'm discussing these ships with my gf. But there's always an old part of me that cringes and worries that I keep shipping ocs with canon characters. It's unpleasant, yeah. But watching you be so carefree really motivates me.

hello anon! I'm really happy to hear that my self-shipping sillies are encouraging/motivating for you!

oc x canon, and self-insert x canon are both incredibly valid and extremely fun. they are harmless and people who find it "disgusting" or "cringe".. that's their problem. we are doing no harm loving and being loved by our favorite characters, be they platonic or romantic feelings towards those characters.

self-shipping, for me, has been incredibly helpful on my emotional/mental health and on how I see and feel about myself. It really has done wonders to make me love and appreciate myself more over the years which is something I've struggled with (still kinda do, but it's better now) due to my extensive past of being bullied for various things about myself that are entirely outside of my control. (mostly things about me visually/physically.. y'know?)

so, ever since I learned about self shipping being a thing, I've slowly opened up more and become more comfortable and happy. I hope you can experience the same over time! Please don't feel discouraged about what makes you happy due to the petty, trivial cringe culture in the past.

as many self-ship related posts I've seen have said: Your favorite characters love you just as much-- if not more-- as you love them! they want you happy and to not worry.

plus, the self-ship community has been very welcoming and kind. we're all just lonely and touch starved and want to see everyone happy in little ways.

tl;dr: Cringe is dead. Ship your oc's with canon. who the heck cares. canon is made of oc's anyways. oc's of the creator. it's just another way of engaging with your favorite media.

You go and have fun, anon! Do what makes you happy!

[theprinceandthewitch]

...Another reason why I'm not going to call the Calen/Evelyn parallels "unintentional" is because this show has always been very detail-oriented:

Edit: 10/27/2022: I added pictures

The most prominent example being the whole "Hunter is a Grimwalker of Caleb" mystery. Which was established in Hunting Palisman and concluded in Thanks to Them.

Hunting Palismen gave us a glimpse of what Hunter looks like. This is a relevant detail for what's shown in Eclipse Lake. I also want to note Flapjack taking a liking to him despite them not making an emotional connection yet.

Eclipse Lake: We see a book about Grimwalkers with drawings that look suspiciously like Hunter. This is supposed to make you think "Oh shit? Hunter is a Grimwalker? And Grimwalkers are implied to be clones of a deceased person. So WHO is Hunter a clone of?" Again, I want to note how Flapjack was really intent on sticking by and looking out for him despite Hunter being dismissive of him up until the end of the episode.

3. Elsewhere and Elsewhen: On one of the papers that fall out of Philip's journal we can see a drawing of Philip with someone that looks like Hunter. So you're like "OH so, Hunter is a clone of this guy, but who is he? Is he Philip's friend? A relative? What's their history?". I'm going to point out something: at the end of the episode, where Philip is in the cave, you can see a poster of a Grimwalker diagram and bags filled with Caleb's bones on the table.

4. Any Sport in a Storm: When Hunter is struggling to find a first and last name to call himself by, Flapjack tells him to use "Caleb" as his first name.

5. Hollow Mind: The reveal is dropped about Hunter being a Grimwalker. But we still don't know WHO he is supposed to be a clone of. Well, most of the audience don't know. But WE, the people who look at the background details know. Through the portraits in this episode, we get a glimpse of Philip's backstory. We can see he used to know someone who looks like Hunter - going all the way back to his childhood. So then you're like "Oooooh, okay so he used to have alot of history with this person, but are they childhood friends or brothers?" Btw these paintings are out of order in the episode. You had to search for them in the background, screenshot them, then piece them together in approximate chronological order:

6. And then In Thanks to Them we get the answer: they were brothers.

... The thing I've been trying to get at this whole time is this: TOH was clearly written for people who like to look for the subtle details. Again, we can see this in Hollow Mind where we're told The Tale of The Brother's Wittebane before we even hear about it in Thanks to Them

So, do you see why I'm not going to assume that The Owl House writers don't know what they're doing for the important story details? Do you see why I'm not going to overlook all the parallels between Evelyn/Caleb and Luz/Hunter?

Because while most of the audience will say Luz and Hunter as a couple would come out of nowhere WE know it won't because the foundation for their relationship has been laid out since Hunting Palismen. It's written in the bigger and the smaller details scattered throughout the story.

Luz and Hunter aren't minor characters - Luz is literally the protagonist and Hunter is a major character who has history with the main villain of the story. Both of these characters parallel past lovers whose actions are the only reason this story exists in the first place. So HOW can I assume that they don't know what they're doing - especially when they go out of their way to include details that MOST people will overlook?

[the-mostdiabolik-of-lovers]

Matchup please?~

I'm a very short girl, average weight (and more on the flat side lol), very pale skin and dark hair and eyes, with partial heterocromia in one of them. I tend to feel cold easily.

I'm very shy and introverted, suffering from anxiety especially when it comes to social interactions. People often say I'm smart, and I've always been very good at school but little do they know, I actually never study much and what saves me is my good memory and my absolute fear of failing and not meeting either my own or others' expectations. Sadly though, this trick doesn't work with Math because my brain can't understand anything past the four operations, no matter how hard I try 💔

I'm very harsh on myself and I'm often a perfectionist. I love animals a lot, especially cats and birds. I'm typically quiet and I don't talk much, I especially hate small talk BUT if the conversation is about something I actually care about, then I easily get carried away with it, raising my voice and putting so much passion and emotions into what I say.

I have a good sense of humor and, despite my anxiety and shyness, I laugh easily. I love drawing and I quite enjoy baking, plus I like playing videogames and watching movies (but I can't help but commenting the movie as I'm watching it, which often bothers the people around me lol).

I like discussing philosophical matters and I'm quite a melancholic person, often feeling stuck in the past as I struggle to let go of it. Speaking of which, I've been bullied a lot and I haven't really recovered from those traumas yet (I have severe trust issues).

I adore things that are commonly viewed as childish such as plushies, and I collect mugs/cups. I love hot tea and I drink a bit too much of it ... I also have a sweet tooth in general and I can't stand spicy flavors.

I may seem all proud and mighty during a verbal fight, but if you hit the wrong nerve I'll start crying a lot and feel very helpless and vulnerable.

Despite not being a blatantly rebellious person, I'm definitely not the submissive type either and I'll probably try to rebel by outsmarting the other person without being noticed. I hate it when things aren't at least partially under my control so I guess you could say I'm lowkey a dominant person although I don't seem like it on the outside. I'm pretty cuddly especially when I feel down, but I'm not clingy and I absolutely need my my alone time.

Huh I don't know what else to say// I hope that's enough, haha~

I wish you a great day 💗

YOU’RE MATCHED WITH RUKI MUKAMI!

“You’re slacking behind again, come now. You know you must study to avoid overwhelming yourself and buying into your perfectionism, Livestock. Here, let me get you started.”

Appearance:

　　���  Layers, layers, layers. Ruki will not let you leave the house without  a decent amount of layers on since you tend to feel cold easily. He won’t have you catching a cold on his watch.

　　❈  Short is fine by him. You’re shorter than him, even in heeled-shoes (hopefully) so he’s perfectly content with how that makes him feel.

　　❈  He doesn’t really care about chest-size. Sure, one or two comments may be made for his own amusement, but he’s no Ayato so you’e not going to find him complaining.

　　❈  He finds your eyes stunning. Kou technically is in the same boat as you, but Ruki finds your heterocromia particularly nice to look at.

Personality:

　　❈  Ruki isn’t opposed at all to the fact that you’re more quiet and shy than some others. He likes the peace and quiet, and enjoys spending time with you in the quiet when he can. Of course, though, he does enjoy when you both have something nice to talk about  or reminisce on.

　　❈  He probably notices you don’t study often and, instead, use your memory and fears to achieve good grades. So, prepare for a shift in your schedule; He is going to ensure you don’t overwhelm yourself and feed into any of these fears. You will be studying.

　　❈  From time to time, Ruki also seems to be nothing but harsh on you too, but he only wants the best for you. He is also one hell of a perfectionist, so trust him to be just as worked up as you about grades and the like. Together, you’ll need to work on taking a chill pill and relaxing. 

　　❈  He actually loves when you get worked up about something you’re interested in. The passion and emotion you display really reminds him why he finds such a deep interest in you.

　　❈  You’re also both deep thinkers, so you work perfectly together when discussing ideas and reflecting on life. Both of you can be stuck in the past too, but in certain ways, you ease each other out into the here and now.

　　❈  Ruki acknowledges your more sensitive sides and takes care most of the time to avoid striking any nerves (unless that’s his aim). He has a way with words, so these verbal fights ma easily get out of hand, after all.

　　❈  You needn’t be totally submissive to him, no. Your lowkey dominance is something he finds thrilling; Something he enjoys both subduing and re-enforcing depending on his own mood.

Your Interests:

　　❈  You for sure bake together. It’s Ruki after all. He notes your sweet tooth especially to make sweeter things (much to Azusa’s distaste).

　　❈  Video games and moves are something he usually just takes a back seat with. He’ll watch you play or watch the movie, but doesn’t ever seem overly interested/invested so your commentary is actually engaging for him.

　　❈  Drawing though? He loves that hobby, as it’s more quiet. He can read whilst you draw, it’s perfect.

　　❈  He may or may not be financially invested in our plushies (if you beg him, he’ll be spending a eye-watering amount on it). 

Other Possible Matches: Kou Mukami, Carla Tsukinami.

[rein-ette]

If you still fancy a drabble prompt, I've always seen Canada and England having a very warm and comfortable relationship- if it interests you, maybe a prompt could be one going to the other for advice about something?

It does indeed interest me, thank you for the prompt! I've had a bunch of Mattie-Arthur scenarios swimming around in my mind for a long time, so I'm glad to have a chance to put one of them down on paper. As always, this was supposed to be a "drabble" but magically lengthened itself the more I thought about it -- I don't think drabbles are supposed to have historical notes.

"Come in."

Matthew shifted his pile of papers to his other arm and pushed through the door of Arthur's office. Inside, the fading afternoon light illuminated the rich mahogony floor and danced on the spines of the hundreds of books that lined each wall. Remembering the excitement he felt when he was first allowed to peruse these shelves, Matthew couldn't help but smile softly to himself.

Arthur himself sat at his desk, one ankle propped up on his knee as he stared idly out the window. Matthew could just barely see a white trim of bandages that peeked out from underneath his collar. That dimmed his smile. It had been more than two years now since the war had ended in Europe, but Arthur still looked as gaunt as he did during the days when engines still roared over London and — though Matthew had not thought it possible — even more exhausted. The worn smile Arthur offered him said as much, and Matthew pushed away a twinge of guilt.

Arthur jerked his chin at the seat in front of his desk and Matthew sat, stacking his documents in a neat pile in front of him. Instead of immediately going through them, however, he gazed worriedly at his old guardian.

"How are you feeling?"

Arthur sighed and shifted in his seat, dropping his leg and turning to face Matthew. He stared at the ancient, ink-stained wood of his desk for a while, and Matthew could almost see the warring emotions on Arthur's face as his desire to be honest fought with his lingering instinct to conceal and protect Matthew from the worries that plagued him. But because they were past such pretenses, he finally murmured, "Tired."

Matthew hummed sympathetically in response. There wasn't much he could do or say to change that, and he expected the reports he brought would only exhaust Arthur further. So he merely asked, "Are you remembering to apply the salve twice a day?"

Matthew flushed a little when Arthur rolled his eyes at him good-naturedly, realizing he was fussing like Arthur was his child, instead of the other way around. Thankfully, Arthur spared him further embarrasment by only answering a tad dryly that yes, he was actually capable of following simple instructions. Matthew mumbled out a reply before deciding that he might as well get on with what he was actually here for, knowing Arthur had never been one for small talk. Clearing his throat, he slid the top half of his stack of papers across the desk.

"They sent you a copy of Lord Mountbatten's plan, I think with annotations, though I haven't gone through the whole thing. And this part is the proposal for the national flag. Also," he pulled a cream letter from the pile and passed that over as well, "India asked that you be there personally, in August," he finished.

Arthur hummed and rifled through the papers. Matthew couldn't quite read his expression. After a few moments, he stacked them again and placed them to the side, with the letter on top. "Thanks. I'll go through them later."

Matthew nodded. "And here I just summarized the letters and stuff from the others. I've left them back in the box, in case you wanted to read them yourself. There's not too much going on really. That you don't already know."

"Yes. Thank you. This is a great help, Matthew, truly."

"You're welcome," Matthew murmured, and watched Arthur scan the notes before setting them aside as well. His eyes traced the shadows underneath the other nation's eyes, before dropping back down to the cotton bandages around his neck. He wondered if Arthur was sleeping at all.

"Is there anything else I can do? I'm heading back to Ottawa next week, but if you need me to take over some stuff for a bit, I can stay longer —"

"No, no, it's fine," Arthur cut him off. "Like I said, I'm just a little tired, that's all. But all this," he waved a hand at the documents , "isn't anything new."

Matthew frowned. "Isn't it?"

"Hmm?"

"I mean, I know the paperwork isn't new, but, these," he drew a breath, "reforms, and the war, of course. That's — I mean. No one's, you know, had to deal with that, before."

Arthur frowned, and traced a finger along the edge of his desk, before sighing, "No, I guess not." He turned again to look out the window behind him. After several long moments, he said, quietly, "But it's not entirely unexpected, either. I just—" The corner of his lips jerked down, and for a moment it seemed as if he was almost in pain. He drew in a breath, and said, "It's just. Difficult. That's all. To—but." He stopped again, grimaced, as if at his own ineloquence. Finally, he said, slowly, as carefully as if he was embroidering the words onto the air between them, "The world is changing. Let us not stand in the way, lest they make us out to be fools."

Watching him struggle, Matthew found himself at a loss as well. Never had he imagined that Arthur — sharp-tongued, quick-witted Arthur, who could neither be bullied nor silenced, who could quote from more books than Matthew had ever read — would be scrambling for words. But then, as he watched Arthur's shoulders curve in towards himself like Matthew had seen a thousand times before in another stubborn, sandy-haired nation who also seemed to have endless words but never quite the right ones, he knew what he needed to do.

Smiling again, Matthew stood, drawing on Arthur's arm so he would turn to face him and said, "I think you need a hug."

Unnecessarily Long Notes are Unnecessarily Long

I didn't state the specific setting of this scene, but the timing of the historical events mentioned means it has to have been sometime between June and August of 1947. Despite the fact that Mattie says "not much is going on", my lord, a lot was going on in 1947; hence why Artie is doing his best impression of the walking dead. Besides the Indian and Pakistan independence movement, officially achieved in August 1947 which is alluded to (Mountbatten, or 3 June Plan, was the precursor to the Indian Independence Act of 1947), Europe was also going through complete social upheaval. To mention just a couple highlights: Germany was in such ruin it was said to have returned to the Roman ages, Britain was rationing harder than ever despite the war having ended, and of course Mr. Truman and Mr. Stalin were gearing up for the Great Showdown. A quote I like which captures the feeling of the time is from H.G. Wells: "[where] other civilizations rolled and crumbled down, the European civilization was, as it were, blown up." [quoted by Tony Judt, Postwar]. Also directly concerning Arthur was the issue of Palestine, which as we all know was and is contentious, to say the very least.

Arthur's attitude to decolonisation is...complicated. Clearly I went with a softer view here, but certainly not all (or even many) British held the view in 1947 that the Empire should be decolonized at all. Hence Arthur during this time was probably a raging hypocrite and, if he wasn't already, at least 50% psychologically unstable. However, I allowed Arthur a little dignity here, in part because he's 2000 years old and as such should have a tiny more perspective than us humans, and also because the weakness of the Empire was much more evident to those in government and the army. Even if it wasn't popular opinion yet, anyone with half a braincell could see that every day Britian didn't decolonize was costing them more than they could afford. Additionally, Britain did decolonise much, much faster than all the other powers and in a relatively peaceful and orderly manner, though what ensued in the countries they left behind was neither. I should also add that Matthew is not the most objective of narrators either -- Canada, despite being a former colony, was still strongly Anglophilic, especially right after WWII. Still, I hope ya'll won't begrudge Arthur a hug.

[fitzs-trained-monkey]

Chapter Thirty-Six: How I Did It - By Jack The Ripper

Rated PG-13: For dark themes and language

Masterlist

~We'll never get free Lamb to the slaughter What you gon' do When there's blood in the water? The price of your greed Is your son and your daughter What you gon' do When there's blood in the water?

Beg me for mercy Admit you were toxic You poisoned me just for Another dollar in your pocket Now I am the violence I am the sickness Won't accept your silence Beg me for forgiveness~

"He's here."

Crossing the Event-Horizon

That's what that's called. I've always thought that's the most beautiful way of putting it. The words have a certain ring to them.

Crossing the Event-Horizon

It means crossing the point of no return. That itself - the point of no return - could mean a lot of things. It could mean the beginning. It could mean the end. It could mean the infinite. It could mean life. It could mean death. It could mean war, peace, happiness, sadness, or anything in between.

But it means one thing for sure.

Crossing the Event-Horizon means there's no going back.

If I had to identify a beginning to the end of my story, then I think that little red dot on the map of time is where I'd stick my proverbial pin. That one little sentence, those two little words.

Yes, it was that moment, I think.

That was when it all started to go wrong.

"Felix is here," I said quietly, "He's outside."

I didn't know what I was going to do to get my revenge from that point. All I knew was, in order to kill Felix, I would need to get to him. And that meant getting away from Jack. Getting away from the son of the devil is something certainly easier said than done.

I would have to do it in a manner which would compel him and the Winchesters to come 'save me'. Of course, I could just knock Jack out and ditch him, but then I would have no back-up if things with Felix went sour. Now, if there was one thing I had learned in the five years leading up to my presence in that lighthouse, it was redundancy. It never hurts to have a safety net. Mine just happened to be a Nephilim.

"You remembered to lock the door, right?" Jack joked. I huffed a laugh. "We're safe in here. Don't worry, Marty. I'll protect you."

Isaac shook his head. "Felix has hostages. Two of 'em." He informed me.

"It's not me I'm worried about," I said to Jack, "This is a hostage situation."

The Nephilim's expression darkened and Isaac rolled his eyes.

"Personally, I say we go on the offensive. I mean, ya boyfriend here has more than enough juice to disintegrate seven dudes, right? Just waltz out there like we own the place, boom, clap, poof, TA-DA!"

"Ya know, that's actually not that bad of a plan," I said, nodding. I relayed the message to Jack who nodded.

"I could do it." He seemed confident.

"Felix brought six helpers. Have you ever dusted that many guys before?" I asked.

"I have, yes. Many more, in fact."

Well, that was... thoroughly disturbing. He seemed so calm about it. As if anyone who stood against him was nothing more than an obstacle. That could be me one day. That could be me tomorrow.

"Alright then, lead the way," I said, smirking.

Is it bad that I hoped something would happen to Jack? Nothing deadly, of course. Just something that would stop him from using his powers to take my revenge for me. Felix was mine. I needed to be the one to kill him. If Jack did it then what had been the point of it all? So, was it bad of me to hope that the quickest, cleanest solution wouldn't be the one that played out?

Was that wrong?

Did that make me evil?

Did I care if it did?

"Everything's going to be fine, Marty. You'll see." And Jack smiled at me softly and I wondered how long that would last.

I found myself standing beside him at the door to the lighthouse. My blood was boiling for a fight because this was it. Felix was on the other side of that door and in a few hours, I would be free, one way or another. Jack turned the handle.

Across the Event-Horizon.

A vampire, a ghost, and a Nephilim stepped out into the muggy night air. It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, but it was more the beginning of a new era, at least for me. I stayed mostly hidden beside Jack, maintaining my air of powerlessness. Isaac stepped into place at the Nephilim's other side to match. I could feel the heat of Felix's presence bleeding through the space between us. He carried with him the foul stench of burning tar and just his scent made me want to wrinkle my nose.

He stood about ten feet away from Isaac, Jack, and me, flanked by six other vampires. There was no army, not that I had expected there to be - that wasn't how Felix worked. He didn't need an army, he'd brought two hostages. Two humans knelt on the ground in front of each of Felix's lackeys, poised to die.

Felix's lips stretched into something that approximated a smile but his little ruse was transparent. I could see the hate simmering in his eyes.

"This little game of ours has been fun but a score still stands to be settled and its resolution, I do believe, is long overdue. There is no place left for you to run, child. Are you finally ready to face judgment for your crimes, Martina?" He said. A smile spread across my face to match his.

"Are you?" I challenged, leaving all human emotion out of my voice. I had been so afraid of him before, but that fear was in the past. I had come to witness true power, I had seen it up close and Felix Ashton Monroe was nothing in comparison. I wasn't afraid of him anymore.

"I suppose you'll just have to find that out," He said. "Now, I've just had a rather unsavory chat with one Samuel Winchester. Barbarians those boys are - him and his brother. I do so hope you'll remember the manners I taught you and come along like a civilized being."

"Ready when you are," Isaac reported. His Darth Vader figure was tucked safely in my boot and I counted the fact that Felix didn't know about him as one of the few advantages I had. Both Isaac and I knew that in order to keep that advantage my brother would have to suffer through being dragged behind a car via his attachment to the figure to prevent Felix from noticing his presence. We had decided a long time ago that I wouldn't face Felix alone. Isaac had protested against us facing him at all.

It was ironic, really. He was the ghost, yet out of the two of us, I was the vengeful one. See, Isaac had never sought revenge against Felix. The only person Isaac wanted vengeance against was himself. He sought punishment for his failure to keep me safe, to keep any of us safe. I suppose he got his wish. Ever since that night, Isaac remained trapped on earth with what was less of a mission and more of a duty. To keep me alive. If one looked at it properly, that was another advantage. Isaac had been formidable when he was alive, but as a vengeful spirit and with a threat on my life to power him up, Isaac was alarmingly deadly.

I didn't need to send him a discreet nod to acknowledge his words. The two of us had been preparing for this moment for five years. We knew our roles. We knew what we had to do.

"Marty isn't going anywhere with you," Jack cut in, his voice firm.

"You're Jack Kline I presume," Felix said in his usual drawling tone. His voice too reminded me of tar with the way it oozed lazily around his words. Everything about him was so clean and sharp yet somehow it was all horrifically revolting.

"I am, yes." Jack nodded. He was trying to sound confident and authoritative, mimicking Sam or Dean or Castiel. But he wasn't like them, it wasn't in his nature. Jack was too soft. Felix regarded him with a smirk, studying the boy in a calculating manner as if Jack were merely a rare antiquity he was appraising in an effort to determine its value.

"The boy born to rule..." He hummed, drawing out the words almost reverently. "Yer smaller than the rumors describe ye to be."

"So are you," Jack replied, standing up straighter and lifting his chin confidently.

"Oh, I'm afraid not." That slime ball cracked a smile. "I'm much too careful to allow for rumors of my physical appearance to drift beyond my reach."

"Really?" Jack challenged. "Because it seems like Martina found us. She told us everything about you."

Felix just laughed like he was talking to something as insignificant as a flea.

"Do ye never listen, young one? I said I don't allow rumors to drift beyond my reach. Seeing as Martina is standing directly ahead of me, I'd say she is well within my grasp. That which is mine does not escape me, laddie. She knows that better than anyone," Felix said.

"If you're so careful, then why come here yourself?" Jack asked, struggling to remain impassive. He didn't really have a poker face.

"Why, because unlike an amateur I actually quite enjoy getting my hands dirty every now and again. Especially with a vendetta this personal. Isn't that right, Martina?" Felix taunted. "Will you be coming willingly or not?"

"I said you can't have her," The half-angel forcefully growled. Jack pushed me behind him, shielding me from my creator's gaze.

"Is that so? I was unaware you had a choice in the matter," Felix accosted, seemingly amused. "Were your circumstances not clearly implicit in the situation? No? Very well! If you insist against using so much as a modicum of intelligence, I suppose I'll have to explain this situation to you. See, these dirty, pathetic excuses for intelligent life forms you see trembling before you are called humans, dear boy. I hear you're quite fond of them, and today they are playing the role which we in the criminal world usually refer to as the hostage. Now, their miserable little lives are in your hands, Jack. I am a man of my word thus I will gladly release them, alive and well, upon the prompt return of my property. However, I will not hesitate to rip them both to shreds right in front of you if I don't get my way. Do you understand that , boy?"

Jack didn't respond. He appeared torn between protecting me and saving the lives of the hostages.

"Good," Felix droned, "Now, are you ready to leave, Martina dear?"

" You don't get to speak to her ," Jack snarled. His teeth snapped together with an audible click as he threw his arm out in front of me, not quite ready to give up. Felix rolled his eyes.

"Must we really do this the hard way?" He asked, boredom evident in his tone.

"Yes."

Felix tilted his head and his gaze flicked to me. I could see a hint of amusement in his expression.

"Tell me, lassie. Have you kissed him yet?" He chuckled. Then, abruptly, his expression darkened. "Or is he just that stupid? "

"Who says I did anything?" I replied evenly. Felix huffed, rolling his eyes.

"So you have?" He turned his attention to Jack who just seemed confused. "Did you enjoy it, me boy? If you'll recall, I did wish you a very exciting first, did I not?"

"Marty, what's he talking about?" Jack asked, doubt wavering in his voice. I didn't answer him. Felix was taking a chisel to the wall I'd built in that boy's head. Not causing enough damage to send it crumbling, but planting enough doubt for it to hurt even worse when it did.

"Ah, my devious little Martina," Felix sighed, shaking his head dramatically. "You're as predictable as you are appallingly cruel."

"Guess I learned from the best," I hissed, glaring at him.

"Does that mean you'll be sensible?" He asked, raising a brow.

"You're not taking her!" My angel boy yelled. "She's mine. " A shock ran through my bones as Jack's powers ignited and his metaphysical wings spread out in front of me in a terrifying reminder of what he truly was.

Felix didn't flinch. Instead, he chuckled.

"That's cute," He said, gesturing to Jack's massive wings. Then, he straightened the cuffs of his suit and sighed. From out of his pocket he retrieved a box of matches, pulling one out and striking it. He tossed the match lazily in front of him, the reflection of its tiny flame dancing in his eyes.

The match hit the sand and flickering orange flames erupted from where it landed. The fire spread outward in a ring that encompassed the entire lighthouse, trapping me, Jack, and Isaac inside.

Jack hissed through his teeth as he watched the flames die down. They were low enough to pass easily through, so how were they supposed to contain us?

"In case ye can't tell, that there is holy fire," Felix informed, tucking the matches back in his pocket. "Any angel who finds themselves encircled by holy fire is rendered powerless, and if one tries to step through those flames, one will be instantly vaporized." He looked up again, unimpressed. "Don't get smart with me, boy . I am thousands of years your senior. I'll do with that disgusting whore whatever I damn please."

"No, you won't !"Jack yelled. His wings flared out and a blazing golden light poured from him like molten metal. The air buzzed with a divine power that burned my skin from standing so close. He was like sunlight, and it burned. I cowered away but watched in awe as Jack's veins lit beneath his skin as if gold were pumping through them instead of blood. Because that's what Jack Kline was. He was power. With a sudden ferocity, the flames leaped up, roaring around his body in an effort to keep him trapped inside. But Jack did the impossible and stepped beyond the ring with a cry of effort.

Felix did not cower away as his underlings did; he merely tilted his head with slight interest.

"How intriguing," He mused, folding his hands in front of him. "Tell me, lad. How did you manage that?"

Jack glared at Felix, his chest heaving, for I could tell that act had caused him pain.

"I'm not an angel."

Jack raised his hand, poised to snap the monsters all into dust.

"Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you," Felix half-heartedly warned.

"Why not?" The Nephilim ground out.

The vampire smiled coolly. "Because these fine specimens here are not my only hostages." Of course, he had more. He was always prepared.

"Where are the others?" Jack demanded, eyes flaring.

"They're safe and sound, I assure ye. Unless, of course, you try to do somethin' stupid, such as kill me. If that's the case, and I do hope it's not, then my people have orders to do some rather unsavory things to a room full of children." Felix raised a brow, daring Jack to make a move against him.

"I can save them," Jack said, confident.

"Please! Ye don't even know where they are!" He scoffed. "Do what ye must, Jack Kline. But I really do fear for the children." Jack gritted his teeth but said nothing. He knew he was beaten. "That's better." Felix turned his attention to me. "Give up this pitiful act of yours, Martina. Come on out. You know this is checkmate."

I stepped away from Jack and stood tall, allowing the thing that had made me to see the steel in my eyes. I passed Jack and planted myself in front of Felix.

"This isn't checkmate, Monroe. This is merely check. I'll be damned before I walk into something with no way out, you know that better than anyone." My voice was calm and cool and I let it chill him. It was my real voice, not that other one I always used to put people at ease. My real voice was the one that makes people do what I want.

The corner of Felix's mouth twitched up. "Oh, yes. I know." He leaned down, his face merely an inch away from mine. "I'm looking forward to it."

"So, where's the car?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Right this way, m'dear." He gestured towards the dirt road a ways away and started toward it. I began to follow but Jack's voice made me stop.

"You're a monster," He spat, shaking with rage. His pained expression had morphed into one of hatred and his glowing golden eyes fixed on Felix.

Felix twisted around, mildly amused more than anything.

"Empathy, humanity, and morality make you weak, boy. Alas, weakness is a bitch , isn't it?" He smirked, basking in the pain he caused.

"I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU!" Jack screamed. His power flared with his anger but there was nothing he could do. The absolute helplessness and hopelessness of his situation finally dawned on him. He never could stand feeling helpless.

"Hold on, I'm confused. Is that not what you do ?" Felix jeered, lifting a brow. Jack froze, his eyes going wide and puppy-like as the vampire's words hit him in the heart. His rage and power dimmed.

"W-What?" Poor thing. His voice sounded so small. He had never been made for this.

"You're the Winchester's attack dog, are ye' not?" Felix clarified. "Playing judge, jury, and executioner for anything you deem a monster."

"You are a monster," Jack scowled, clenching his fists.

"Oh, I know that!" Felix laughed. "But I like to think I've done quite a bit to earn me that title. There are, however, six quite innocent and quite human patients in critical condition at a Manhattan hospital. Six patients, who you put there. Those weren't monsters now, were they?"

Jack's face paled. Sam and Dean had said everyone was fine. Sam and Dean had lied. "H-How did- How did you-"

"That was some stunt you pulled in Times Square, boy," He mused. "Did you really think I wouldn't know about it?"

"Th-that w-was... I-it wasn't... I didn't mean to I-" Jack shook his head in denial. "It was an accident!"

"Why, of course it was!" Felix laughed. "You've not a malicious heart nor the disposition to take an innocent life. Dear boy, you are but a loaded gun for the Winchesters aim at anything they don't like."

Jack shook his head. "T-that's not true! I kill things that are evil because they hurt people." His words sounded hollow like they were something practiced. Like something that had been pounded into him.

"Do ye now? Because as I recall, you killed your own mother and ye' don't even know why. Sad, that." Felix smiled. "You kill because you were bred to; it's your purpose. It's almost cute, the son of the devil thinking he's a hero."

"I am ! I'm a hunter!" Jack insisted.

"You are not a hero," Felix sneered, shaking his head. "You are a murderer, Jack Kline. What else could ya be?" The Scottish man turned on his heel, not caring much to hear what the Nephilim had to say.

"Y-you're wrong. You're wrong about me!" That was all Jack could force out. He tried so hard to keep the tears at bay. I shook my head and turned away from him to follow my creator. "M-Marty?" Jack called out from behind me, his voice laced with desperation and confusion.

I stopped.

In that moment, I finally stripped away the final pieces of the human girl I'd made for him. The girl I'd designed for him to love. Jack would never see her again. That girl was gone now. And good riddance to her; I hoped she'd never come back.

Because she was weak.

And I was not.

Because she was human.

And I was a monster.

Because she was kind.

And I was cruel.

Because she was innocent.

And I was insane.

Because she was honest and grateful.

And I was a deceitful manipulator.

Because she was the blissful mirage.

And I was the horrid reality.

Because she was perfect.

And I never could be.

Because Jack Kline loved that sweet girl.

But that girl wasn't ME.

She never had been.

Of course, I still loved him which only made this harder. But I supposed that in a few hours that would be of no consequence. He wouldn't care. And that fact hurt like a needle to the heart, but pain only brings power to those with nothing left to lose. So, I threw my head back and I laughed as I embraced that pain, just as I did for every other cut and bruise I had ever received. That needle was one in a million and all that pain was what made me real. So, I sighed and turned back to where my angel boy stood, staring at me like some lost puppy.

"I'm sorry, Jack," I said sweetly, "Thanks for getting me this far, I don't think I could have done it without you. Unfortunately, this is something I have to do on my own. This is my last page and nobody can write it for me."

"You can't go," He said, shaking his head. There were tears in his eyes but none in mine. I smiled at him and that was the first he'd seen from me that was real, because, for the first time, Jack was talking to me.

"Why are you worried, Jack?" I was surprised at how smooth and pleasing my own voice sounded, now that I took notice. My real voice was why I was dangerous; when I used it I could make anyone do anything. But there was a reason I had been masking it for so long. It was what had gotten me into this in the first place. "I know you'll come to save me."

"What if I'm too late?" He asked, his voice breaking.

"Then I'll be there waiting for you," I answered.

"You'll die," Jack whispered. I laughed lightly, shaking my head.

"I'm not going to die today, Jack."

"You don't know that!"

"I've known for longer than you think," I said. I watched his teary, desperate expression and copied it to my memory as best as I could. It was the last time he'd look at me that way. At least for a while. "Just do me one last favor?"

"Anything," Jack promised.

"There's a girl you haven't met yet, try not to hate her when you do." I smiled and Jack nodded, trying his best to stay strong.

Then I left him there.

Alone in the sand, he watched a stranger he thought he loved going to what he thought was her death and vowed to save her from it.

Was it wrong for me to deceive him?

Did I care if it was?

***

Sam paced back and forth along the length of the lighthouse as he waited for Dean and Castiel to return. Every few minutes or so he would check his watch anxiously and run a hand through his hair, muttering something unintelligible under his breath before he resumed his pacing.

But Jack wasn't paying attention to that. He was busy staring at his hands. There were too many thoughts racing through his head for him to focus on any one of them. It had all happened so fast and there was nothing he could have done, but it didn't feel that way. Jack felt responsible. Martina was going to die because of him. It was his fault.

It was always his fault.

The door of the Lighthouse burst open, revealing Dean and Cas standing there in the driving rain that had come on before anyone had time to notice. Dean threw himself inside and Cas trailed after him, taking the time to close the lighthouse door while Dean shook the rain off like an oversized dog.

"What took you so long?" Sam was immediately questioning. "Where were you?"

"Gettin' information," Dean smirked. "It took a while, but one of the bloodsuckers squealed. What happened here, Jack?"

"I kissed Martina," Jack blurted out.

"What?" Sam, Dean, and Cas asked in unison, sharing the same disbelieving expression.

Jack hadn't meant to say it but it just sort of came out. It probably wasn't his fault, though. Jack simply couldn't stop thinking about every detail of his time with the girl in the lighthouse. He wanted to focus on what had happened after, but his brain simply wouldn't cooperate.

"I, um... I kissed Martina..." He repeated, somewhat nervously. "And I think I liked it..."

Had he liked it? Jack thought so; he was pretty sure. But something about it felt off.

Why had he kissed her in the first place? What had compelled him to do that? Jack didn't know.

His memories of the kiss were strange. He remembered clearly the emotions he'd felt, and the intensity of them. Yet, for some reason, Jack couldn't seem to recall where those feelings had come from. He had wanted to kiss Martina, but not like that... Or... maybe he had? It felt to Jack as if the decisions he'd made weren't his own. He couldn't even remember making any decisions, really. All he remembered was those feelings and acting on them. Something about that seemed off to him but Jack wasn't sure. He supposed it wasn't that out of the ordinary for him to behave impulsively. On the contrary, he tended to do that quite a lot. So, what was bothering him?

"Wait..." Dean paled, "You and Marty... You- You two didn't, like... do it in a lighthouse, right?"

Jack tilted his head, brows furrowing. "Do what?"

"C-Cas?" Dean's face whitened another shade as he turned to the seraph. "Please tell me your son didn't-" Castiel gave a long-suffering sigh.

"No, Dean. I really don't think they did anything," He said, rolling his eyes.

"Not everyone is like you," Sam added. Dean waved him off.

"Yeah, okay, but why am I the only one gettin' weirded out by this?" He exclaimed.

"Because we have bigger problems, Dean!" Sam pointed out, exasperated. Sam seemed anxious and Jack wondered what he wanted to tell them.

"Well, I think this is pretty big!" Dean insisted, turning to Jack. "Dude, what the hell?"

"I don't understand what you mean. Martina and I kissed." Jack said simply.

"Dean, seriously. I-" Sam tried. Dean held up a hand, sighing.

Dean sighed. "Jack... Y-You don't do that."

"Dean! Listen-"

"Not now, Sam!" Dean cut him off again.

"Why not? Jack asked, frowning.

"Look, ya just- Ya gotta wait a little while, man!" Dean said, running a hand over his face. "I mean, Marty's like, twelve!" He insisted. By then, Sam had decided he'd had it.

"No, Dean! She's really not!" The younger Winchester yelled, throwing his hands in the air.

"What?" Dean was shocked by his brother's sudden outburst. Sam took a deep breath to calm himself now that he had everyone's attention.

"Martina's not as young as we think she is. I-I think she's older, m-much older." Sam said, stress leaking into his tone.

"What are you saying, Sam?" Cas asked.

"I'm saying we've been played."

***

The car ride was smooth and it was the first time I'd been in a limo, so naturally, I took the comforts offered me. I stretched out across the seat, lounging as I stared out the tinted window. I didn't worry about Felix sitting directly across from me. I knew he didn't want to kill me. Not yet anyway.

"I'm curious, how did you manage to fool them?" He asked, watching me with a comfortable expression.

I shrugged. "Long story, lots of boring details."

"Indulge me," He insisted.

"Why should I?" I asked. He shrugged, mimicking me.

"I'm simply curious."

I hummed. "I bet you are."

He smirked. "Well, what can I say? It's just my nature." I nodded vaguely, continuing to stare out the window. We both knew how this would end. There was no real reason not to tell him.

"Sam Winchester and Dean Winchester and the angel Castiel..." I said their names thoughtfully, allowing the corner of my lips to twitch up into a sly smile. "They seem so simple at first glance. You have the poor unfortunate soul who lost so much yet kept his kindness, the perfect killer who spent his whole life at war, and the fallen angel who found a home. But if that was all there was then I never would have fooled them. However, for men who claim to be so faithless, there's so much they want to believe in."

"Whot do ye mean?" Felix asked, tilting his head. I smirked lazily. T

"I'll start with Sam. Sam is kind because he's damaged, but the last thing he is is a fool. When someone's good at unraveling lies, the last thing you do is give them a really big one to unravel. If you do that, then they'll cut right through and they'll figure you out easily. So, what do you do? You give them distractions. Hide puzzles within puzzles and Sam will stop to solve each one because he loves it. But how do you get him to ignore the big picture?" I stopped and grinned.

"It's easy really. All I had to do was appeal to his hate. Sam Winchester is so extraordinarily full of such raw and powerful hate, that if you simply aim it at a conceivable target, he can ignore anything else. And of course, with his hate blinding him to the truth, Sam can't figure out the lie. All one has to do to fool Sam is give him a puzzle to solve and something to hate.

"So, I made him hate you."

***

"How?" Castiel asked, tilting his head.

"It's Marty. We can't trust her," Sam said. Dean scoffed

"After all that lecturing earlier? Why the hell not?" He demanded. Sam took a nervous breath.

"Because she's been lying to us, Dean," He said. "I-I think she's been lying to us this whole time."

Dean's jaw clenched and he crossed his arms over his chest. "What are you talking about, Sam?" His voice was tight and guarded.

"I talked to Felix after I saved the little girl," Sam admitted.

"You just stood there and talked to that son of a bitch! He's a sick, messed up, psychopath! Sam, what the hell is wrong with you?!" Dean yelled. Sam held out his hands in a peacemaking gesture.

"I know w-what he is, Dean. A-and, believe me, I thought the same things you are now and I swear it was over the phone a-and all he did w-was tell me things. But-" Sam hissed through his teeth and tugged at his hair, seemingly at war with himself.

"But what, Sam?"

"I don't know. He- he just-"

"You don't know?!" Dean interrupted accusingly.

"H-He said things, alright! Felix told me things. Things about Marty. A-and they- they made - They just made so much sense! And I hate him just as much as you do and I don't wanna believe him but-" Sam's voice faltered and he shook his head seeming lost.

"What did he tell you?" Castiel pressed, gentle but still firm.

"He told me Martina killed his wife."

***

"Now, Dean? Dean's a little harder," I said as the driver made a sharp left-hand turn. "Dean's not just a hardened killer, though that's mostly what he wants people to see. He wants people to see the machine without a heart so no one will see how horrifically broken he really is." Thinking of what Dean was really like made me laugh and I flicked my gaze at Felix. "And believe me when I say that there's nothing that could fix him by now."

"But there's so much more to him than the killer and the brokenness. Dean's the righteous man who's never known a day away from war. There are so many things he wants so desperately. Dean dreams of walking peacefully along a beach yet he's never even been to one. For all he's never had Dean tries to give it to others. For all the blood and death he's seen he's remarkably full of love. Love is the key, really. Dean Winchester loves more powerfully than anyone I've ever met. If Dean loves someone he'll do anything for them.

"He sees my age and sees in me the child he never was. He sees me afraid and wants to provide me the protection no one gave him. He sees me flinch when someone yells and wants to offer me the security he never knew. He sees an orphan and wants to give me the parental love he never had. All one has to do to fool Dean Winchester is give him a child to love.

"So, I made him love me."

***

"And you believed him?" Dean scoffed. "Marty is a kid, Sam! She's a kid! Just a scared kid who needs our protection! Marty never could have done something like that."

"Why not?" Cas spoke up. All eyes snapped to the angel.

"BECAUSE SHE'S A KID!" Dean roared. Jack flinched away from him, he'd always hated when Dean yelled. It scared him. Though, this time Dean sounded less angry and more desperate. As if there was something he didn't want to believe. As if yelling the words would make them true.

"T-that's what I thought too. But what if we're wrong?" Sam asked.

"How could we be wrong?" Dean demanded.

"What if Marty's not a kid?" Sam carefully spoke, "What if she's not human?"

Dean shook his head. "No," He said, "No, you're wrong. I know what you're thinkin' and you're wrong." Jack shook his head too. There was no way... was there? Something itched at the back of his mind. He didn't know what it was. Did he want to?

"Dean, I know this is hard to accept, but we need to think this through," Sam said, holding his hands out beseechingly.

"We don't have time for that!" Jack spoke up. "Felix is going to kill Marty! We can't just let her die!"

Sam held up a hand. "He's not gonna kill her, not for a while. We have time."

"No, you don't get it! I promised I'd save her!" Jack said.

"Exactly!" Sam pointed out. "Jack, that's exactly what she wants! She's been planning this the whole time."

"What do you mean 'the whole time'?" Dean inquired, crossing his arms.

"Think back to the beginning, w-when we first met Marty," Sam said, walking them through it. "Why were we in Copper Harbor?"

"For a ghost hunt," Jack answered, impatience leaking through his tone.

"You're right, but there was another case there. What was it?"

"Blood was being stolen from the hospital..." Cas said slowly as if remembering.

"Exactly! Exactly." Sam took a breath. "Now, that ghost in the viral video, who was it? Was it whoever's bones we burned?"

"No, it was..." Jack made the connection. Why hadn't he noticed that before? "It was Isaac."

"Okay, so that means..." He trailed off.

"That Marty was lying about the hunt and the bones," Cas finished.

"Right, now why would she do that?"

"I dunno, professor. Maybe so we wouldn't torch her brother?" Dean rolled his eyes.

Sam pursed his lips, sighing. "Well, yes, b-but no! This isn't about Isaac, this is about Marty. What would she have been hiding?"

"The blood theft," Cas said decisively. Dean shook his head.

"That's a coincidence. Marty can't be - She can't-" He couldn't even say it. He could hardly think it. "Marty can't be a vampire."

***

"Castiel was harder," I continued. "Aside from the fact that he's a multi-billion-year-old cosmic being, Castiel also lacks a soul. That made tapping into his emotions significantly more difficult, but once I did that it was quite clear that I could never fool him. At least, not directly. He's intelligent, not easily deceived, and he always tries to do what he thinks is best. Whatever that course of action might be, more often than not, it hasn't been the right one.

"Castiel is, primarily, a screw-up. There's a lot of history and even more drama involving his fellow angels and the Winchesters, and he has consistently attempted to fight for both sides of the war between them. His torn loyalties have caused a great many more problems than they've fixed and it seems as though any attempt to fix one of said problems breeds yet more chaos. Castiel is rebellious. He can never seem to do what he's supposed to. So, naturally, that makes him the most dangerous piece on the board.

"When Castiel sets his mind on something, there isn't much that can sway him. His actions have proven, repeatedly I might add, that he is even willing to go behind the backs of the Winchesters if he believes it's for the greater good. But his destructive pattern stops only for the one person he's never betrayed. Thus, to fool Castiel one has to fool his son.

"So, I got my hands on Jack."

***

"Why not?" Cas snapped.

"'Cause she just can't!" Dean's voice broke.

"She single-handedly killed five vampires, Dean! Remember?" Cas pressed. "There's no way a mere child her age could have done that."

Jack shook his head, refusing to believe it. "Marty can't be a vampire. Dad, she just can't be."

Castiel sighed, his eyes soft. "I know you want to believe that."

"Why shouldn't we?" Dean challenged.

"Because she killed five vampires single handedly! What part of that escapes your understanding?!" Cas repeated with frustration.

"We don't know what happened in there!" Dean persisted.

"Exactly! WE DON'T KNOW!" Cas yelled.

"THEN WE CAN'T ACCUSE, CAN WE?" Dean shouted back. Jack flinched again and Cas took notice, forcibly relaxing his posture in hopes of reassuring his son.

Sam groaned. "Look at the facts, Dean. The research!"

"Damn the research, Sammy! This is Marty! We know her!"

"We know she's an empath!" Sam spat. "She's been playing with all our emotions, we know that! We need to look at this objectively and, as hard as that might be, it means looking at the facts!"

"What about the facts?" Dean asked reluctantly.

"Think about it," The younger brother said. "W-we did the research, remember? Remember how none of it lined up?"

"Yeah, because Felix messed with it!" Dean tried.

"Not all of it," Sam pointed out, "Marty said she was nine when she died, but her youngest brother was ten. Remember that? How could she have been younger than her youngest sibling?"

"Sam, that-"

"Because she wasn't, Dean," He hissed, "She wasn't nine. Marty was sixteen."

"I-I remember..." Dean froze, his eyes flicking up to meet his brother. "Sammy..." He said, his voice tense and shaking, "How did I forget that?"

Dread coated Castiel's tone as he answered instead.

"I think she wanted us to."

***

"Jack is a very special boy," I said, sarcasm lacing my tone. "Although, he is the offspring of a fallen archangel, so I'd assume that 'special' comes rather naturally. Thanks for that clue, by the way. It would have taken me much longer to figure him out if it wasn't for that itty bitty little detail."

"You would have gotten it regardless." Felix shrugged.

"Of course I would've!" I snorted, shaking my head. "I didn't think my abilities were of any question."

"They weren't," Felix replied. "I know what you're capable of, lassie."

I smirked devilishly. "You should." Felix's hand clenched into a fist and he sent me a tight smile.

"Indeed." He forced the word through his teeth. "Which is why I'm surprised you enlisted to lie to that boy so completely. Doesn't that violate whatever moral code of Donoghue's it is that you've adopted?" I nodded and shrugged with a sigh.

"You're right, it does. Jack is in many senses young and vulnerable and on top of that, he's dreadfully naïve. He could never deserve what I did to him." I huffed out a humorless laugh as my face twisted into a sneer. "But you do. So I made an exception."

Felix shook his head as if disappointed. "Now, now, Martina. When one has a goal, one does not make exceptions. Lest they desire to fail, of course. Only hypocrites make exceptions. Did I teach you nothing?"

"I'm not like you," I spat.

"Is that what it looks like from where you sit?" He mused quietly. I flashed him a barred toothed grin and continued.

"There's only one that Jack Kline truly wants in this world. He wants to be good - to prove to himself and those around him that despite his parentage, he can be good. He's been told that there's something wrong with him, so he wants to find a way to somehow purge it. But he can't because there's nothing wrong and there never was. Yet, he can't believe that. So it leaves him with an insatiable desire to please.

"It's pathetic, really. He seeks validation in everything. He thinks he has to be useful to be loved. Otherwise, he's just a burden, one that nobody wanted. Jack doesn't want to believe that; he wants to be told that isn't true. Jack Kline may be powerful but he's also soft - moldable if you will. See, he's so haplessly needy that it's honestly sickening. He'll do anything for you to tell him what he wants to hear. And he'll do anything to keep hearing it.

"Jack is a combination of his three guardians. He's desperate. Like Dean, he doesn't want to see what's right in front of him. But he's not stupid. I had to erase his memory more than once. Then, like Sam, I simply distracted him and, much like Castiel, I had to keep him in line by appealing to that insatiable need of his. To fool Jack Kline one has to give him someone to save.

"He thinks he's saving me." I smiled fondly when I'd finished, glancing up at Felix with a challenge in my gaze.

"Well, we both know that's impossible," He said, eyeing me with a smirk, "There's nothing left in that cold shell of yours worth saving." I grinned, showing him the insane thing he'd created.

"You're damn right."

***

Then, like a memory, there were words running through Jack's head. Words and voices, but he didn't remember hearing them.

'You said you were nine then! But y-you - you weren't!' That was his voice in his ears. But Jack couldn't remember saying those words. 'You haven't aged a day... Five years and you haven't aged a day.'

'I aged about a month, actually.'

The other voice was Marty. The words buzzed like static, making his headache. Jack shook his head. It was like Deja Vue but entirely more vivid. Sam, Dean, and Cas kept talking. It was hard to hear them through the ringing in his ears.

"Cas, are you saying she can wipe memories?" Dean asked.

"I'm not sure," Castiel replied, shaking his head. "But she can certainly suppress them."

"But it-it must only work when she's around b-because when she's gone - I know for me - When Marty's not around I-I start to remember," Sam said.

The ringing in Jack's ears intensified, making him groan and grasp at his head. He clamped his hands over his ears but the ringing only grew louder. It was like angel radio, but instead of being surrounded by fire, Jack felt like he was burning from the inside out.

"Jack?" Cas was calling his name. "What's going on?"

"I-I don't- I-" Jack gasped, the pain growing stronger. "It hurts! Dad, please make it stop!"

"Jack? JACK!"

He stumbled into Cas's arms as another blurred memory hit him like a train.

'I'm gonna need you to forget that,' Marty's voice whispered in his head. She sounded so gentle, so inviting. She sounded like a spider.

'I wish I could,' His own voice shook as Jack listened to himself say words he couldn't remember speaking. It felt like a memory that didn't belong to him.

There was more to it this time. There was a picture frame, but the picture inside was out of focus. There was an image. It was Martina. She had fangs. And there was something else too. Jack could feel it like a phantom pain. It was terror. The paralyzing kind. The feeling of being trapped. Jack felt the shadow of limbs and he couldn't move. He was trapped. Jack couldn't get out. He was trapped like a fly in a web. Marty was the spider. He couldn't get away. He couldn't get away from her.

She wouldn't let him.

'I can make you forget,' She was going to hurt him. ' Take us back to the night we met. '

'What do you mean?' His voice asked cautiously. He was scared. He was so scared. He couldn't get out.

'I'm going to talk to you, and then you're going to forget, and everything will be back to the way it was.'

'You're a monster.' He'd said

The ringing in Jack's ears faded and he bolted upright, gasping and shaking as panic set in. He needed to tell Sam, Dean, and Castiel what he'd remembered but he couldn't seem to find the words.

"S-She lied." That was all he could force out.

"Jack, what happened? Are you okay?" Castiel worried, checking over him. Jack just shook his head.

"She did something to me," He choked out, shaking. "I don't know. I can't remember. Why can't I remember? She did something to me!" He felt sick. There was something wrong with him.

No.

There was something wrong with Marty.

She was sick.

"What? What did she do?" Dean demanded, eyes wide.

"She-She made me forget. I knew. I-I knew and she made me forget!"

"Forget what?" Sam asked.

"I figured her out a-and she made me forget but I remembered." Jack stopped and only then did he realize he was crying. "She's one of them."

Because she had betrayed him. Marty had betrayed all of them. Jack didn't even know what to believe anymore. Had any of it been real? Or was it all some twisted lie?

"I'm sorry, Jack," Cas offered quietly.

"You were right, Sam," Jack whispered. He couldn't stop his voice from shattering. "Martina is a monster. A-And she lied."

There was silence for a moment. Then, Dean spoke up. Because someone had to take the lead and it was always him. It wasn't fair, but it was always him.

"We gotta go," He said, struggling to make his voice sound cold and firm. But he'd lost a daughter today.

"W-Where?" Sam asked.

"Me and Cas know where Felix is taking Marty. That kid's got some answering to do," Dean answered, his green eyes darkening with his tone. Castiel stood, helping Jack climb to his feet.

"Martina is dangerous, Dean. Are you sure you're willing to do what may be necessary?" Cas asked, watching Dean with a somber expression.

"It's not gonna come to that," Dean said.

"And if it does?"

"I will." Jack's voice was quiet but it caught the adult's attention.

"Jack, are you- Are you really sure?" Cas asked gently. Jack shook his head.

"I don't want to kill Martina. But you're right, she is dangerous." His voice faltered. "I can't let her hurt anybody else."

***

Felix's limo pulled into the garage of what was easily a multi-million dollar home. It was four stories and it reminded me of a castle with its dull grey stone and tall windows. The interior of the garage was constructed simply of polished cement and was entirely empty aside from the car now parked within it. I sent Felix a smirk and climbed from the vehicle, slamming the door shut behind me. The car was surrounded. Twenty or so of Felix's vamps stood guard but I knew they were more for display than anything else. Some of them I recognized, some I didn't.

"And here I thought this little girl's night was just gonna be you and me," I huffed dramatically upon seeing them, "You had me feeling all special."

"Sorry to disappoint, Lassie," Felix drawled. "But don't worry, I invited some of your friends too. Well, just one to be exact."

I shot him a curious glance but shrugged before sauntering my way past Felix's lackeys like I owned the place. I supposed I had, but that was so long ago. Were his minions really still so afraid of me? I surveyed one of the vamps as I passed him, taking notice of the bead of sweat dripping down his neck. He was clearly terrified.

So, they remembered who their queen was. Good.

Spinning on my toe like a ballerina, I let a bubbling laugh escape my throat. All of Felix's soldiers turned to face me, watching with careful eyes.

"Hello, Lovelies!" I called, grinning. A few of them shifted nervously. "Just thought you all should know, both your beloved Prince and Princess are dead! I killed them!" Murmurs spread around the empty garage, echoing off the polished grey walls. "That's right! Boyd's head I ripped off with a tractor, though I'm sure your leader was glad to finally be rid of his bastard son." I glanced at Felix who stood there stoically and winked. "I knew about that, by the way. As for Elwyn, I had the Devil's son snap her into dust like Peter Parker in Infinity War. 'Cept she ain't comin' back!" I giggled in reaction to the horrified expressions of Felix's soldiers and send the man himself a smirk before whipping around again.

"Ye know, Martina?" His voice made me pause though I kept my back to him. "I look at you and I don't see anyone looking back..." He trailed off, his tone thoughtful. "Where is that soul you used to have?"

"Just like I told your daughter, I lost it in the woods in favor of something else. You wanted me to learn something and I learned it!" I eyed him over my shoulder. "You never should have sent me there."

"I know that now." Felix sounded almost solemn. "Whatever Sampson brought back with him wasn't the girl I tossed in, was it?"

I shrugged. "That's where you're wrong. It's still me. Like I said, I just learned something over there is all."

"And what did you learn?" He wondered.

"That you were wrong."

"It doesn't seem I was," He said. I chuckled softly.

"You said I was made to be a queen. You were wrong."

"Aye?"

"I'm not a queen, Monroe." I turned to face him. "I'm a damn Empress." I grinned. "And, honey, you should see me in your crown."

I didn't bother to watch his expression. I just turned and walked.

Pushing my way through the garage door, I skipped down a long, dark hallway decorated with dark wooden pieces that I was sure had cost more money than they were worth. I smirked upon hearing Felix's footsteps trailing behind me. Whirling around and walking backward, I grinned at my former torturer.

"Got anything you didn't wanna say in front of your minions?" I taunted.

"I do, actually." He huffed a laugh that held no humor. "For the record, I'm sorry."

My expression soured. "No you're not."

"I am, truly." He placed his hand over his heart in a gesture of sincerity. "I apologize for my greed and my stupidity. I unleashed you upon this world; that will be my greatest regret, I think. I made you into a plague and I lost control over you."

"You never controlled me," I hissed.

"And I the second I realized that I should have put you down," Felix said. "I just hope the Winchester's don't make the same mistake."

I shook my head. "That's the think, Felix. They will."

"Perhaps. Perhaps not." He shrugged.

"I guess I'll find out, won't I? So! Where's this friend of mine?" I asked, rubbing my hands together.

"Two doors down on your right," Felix answered. I glanced at the door he was referring to then back to him.

"Ooh, goodie. Before I open it, why do I get a present?"

Felix shrugged. "Call it a joke."

I nodded. "Dope."

Then I skipped over to the dark wooden door and grasped the handle. It wasn't locked, of course, so I pulled it open. I didn't look for traps. I knew Felix would never stoop that low. The room was pitch black and there were no windows, but I found the light switch easily enough. Bright fluorescent bulbs flicked on and washed the space with light.

Sitting on a wooden chair in the middle of the room, was a rather muscular man. His arms and legs were tied to the chair and his head was tilted down. I may not have been able to see his face, but I would have recognized that old, grungy cap almost anywhere. I crossed the space between us and tapped him on the shoulder. The man inclined his head, squinting against the light, but when he caught a glance of my face, his usually bright eyes filled with terror.

I had forgotten how fun it was to instill that level of fear. I smirked.

"Hey there, Benny! I haven't seen you since the Hunger Games!"

~We'll never get free Lamb to the slaughter What you gon' do When there's blood in the water? The price of your greed Is your son and your daughter What you gon' do When there's blood in the water?

Beg me for mercy Admit you were toxic You poisoned me just for Another dollar in your pocket Now I am the violence I am the sickness Won't accept your silence Beg me for forgiveness~

Lyrics from: Blood In The Water by grandson

[fillingthescrapbook]

Rewriting The CW's Kung Fu, Part 1: The Characters

Hello. I've written a few posts complaining about how The CW's Kung Fu was written and plotted. So instead of just complaining, I decided to do something productive: I'm going to rewrite the show.

This will be the first part in an eight-part series that would detail the things, I think, could've made the first season much stronger in terms of story-telling and character-building. Do take note that I will be writing this for The CW's target market: teens to young adults who are looking for both entertainment and representation.

Before we start with the story, let us first start with re-configuring the characters.

NICKY SHEN, mid to late 20s. The eldest daughter of first-generation immigrants, she feels pressured into following the path made for her by her parents. She carries a lot of guilt, having seen her parents struggle to raise her and her siblings in a land that's not always welcoming to foreigners--and then running away when she felt like she no longer had control over her life. She has spent the last three years in a monastery where her days are spent training in the martial arts, meditating, and farming. Upon her return home, she doesn't know what her place is in the world--and in her family--anymore.

HENRY YAN, mid to late 20s. A martial arts instructor at the Chinese community center, he becomes intrigued by Nicky's unique background and insight into their community. A working student, he has only recently continued his collegiate studies because of a checkered past he needed to deal with, as well as his family's financial struggles. He feels like he has a lot to prove because of people's preconceptions of who he is, based on what he had to do to survive.

EVAN HARTLEY, mid to late 20s. A San Francisco Assistant District Attorney, he is Nicky's best friend from childhood to law school. He is part of a hiring initiative that prioritizes people who can speak in multiple languages, and gets assigned many cases that come from Chinatown. He has recently proposed to his girlfriend, a fellow classmate of his and Nicky's from law school, thinking he has finally moved on from being left behind by the woman he loved three years ago...and then she, Nicky, comes back into his life.

RYAN SHEN, mid-20s. Nicky's younger brother who has just recently finished his internship at a local hospital; he is currently working as a resident physician at the same hospital he interned for--while volunteering his free time at the Chinese community center's free clinic. He is gay but has yet to tell his parents the truth, blaming Nicky for abandoning him when he was just about to confess. (Yes, I put him back in the closet for storytelling purposes.)

ALTHEA SHEN, mid-20s. Nicky's younger sister has put her career on hold to get married to her high school sweetheart. A sought-after computer engineer, Althea has surprised everyone--her parents included--when she suddenly gave up her high-ranking position at Cloudrush Capital to focus on her wedding. She is the most adjusted and mature out of the Shen siblings, seeing as her parents didn't have as much expectations from her as they did Nicky and Ryan.

SHEN MEI-LI, late 40s to early 50s. Nicky's mother comes from a very strict family and this has made her guarded with her emotions. She is very protective of her children and will do anything to keep them safe--including hide parts of her history she thinks will lead them astray. She works as the manager of Happy Dumplings, the restaurant she built with her husband Jin.

SHEN JIN, early to mid 50s. Nicky's father immigrated to San Francisco when he was a young man, inspired by the American Dream. He has a go-getter attitude which was further bolstered when he married Mei-Li, pushing him to move on from being a line cook at a faux-Chinese fast food chain to opening his own restaurant. Having been denied of better opportunities, he works hard to make sure that his children never has to face the same challenges he had in the past.

Okay, those are just broad strokes of who the characters are when the story begins. I've upgraded Evan to becoming an actual main character with a romantic subplot with Nicky since, if I'm not mistaken, that was the intention when they introduced him in the pilot. I've also downgraded Pei-Ling Zhang, Nicky's mentor to a recurring character--who we will get to now:

ZHANG PEI-LING, early 40s. A female monk at a Shaolin monastery, Pei-Ling helps Nicky escape from an arranged-marriage "love" tour by allowing her to hide in her truck. Pei-Ling is in charge of the martial arts training at the monastery, teaching her students that to keep a strong hand steady, one must also have a strong heart.

ZHANG ZHI-LAN, mid to late 30s. A businesswoman whose worldwide travels hide an international hunt for eight mystical weapons that would give the collector untold powers. She is Pei-Ling's sister who holds a lot of resentment because of the way their family broke apart. She keeps a cold and calculating facade to keep people away from her, afraid of being vulnerable enough to get emotionally hurt again.

DENNIS SOONG, mid 20s. Althea's fiancée who is the heir apparent of the Soong business empire. He has the practiced charm of a high school outcast who was slow to grow into his looks; although he became part of the popular crowd by the time he graduated, he never forgot the people who treated him as an equal back when he was a societal pariah. He is also a loving son, brother, and husband-to-be.

JOE HARPER, mid to late 20s. A freelance graphic artist who uses his talents, and his gift of gab, to fight for human rights. He is passionate, headstrong, and he never backs down from a challenge.

CHLOE SOONG, late teen. Dennis's younger sister who has fallen in with a bad crowd of bored rich teens. She feels out-of-place in her parents' perfect world, which draws her towards Nicky--who identifies with her plight to break out of the mold assigned to her.

SABINE SMITH, mid to late 20s. A classmate of Nicky's and Evan's from law school, Sabine is Evan's fiancée. She is nurturing and helpful, she is the one who pushes Evan to help Nicky settle back into her San Francisco life--not realizing she is also pushing Evan's feelings for Nicky back into the picture.

KERWIN TAN, late 20s to early 30s. A young socialite who becomes part of Nicky and Zhilan's race to find the eight mythical weapons of power. He is the youngest son of a business tycoon, Raymond Tan, who is also interested in collecting the weapons. He resents the competitive upbringing his father has given him and his siblings, which makes him decide to also join the hunt for the weapons.

MEI-XUE, late 40s. Mei-Li's younger sister, she ran away from home after discovering their family's warrior lineage--wanting to be the one to find the mythical weapons so she could keep them from falling into the wrong hands. In her journey to find the weapons, she discovers more about the power they can wield--which scares her into hiding in the mountains of Canada, with the help of a rich friend she made in her journeys.

STANLEY ANG, early 30s. He is an original character that I wanted to include for additional Chinese diversity. The only son of an old couple who were Mei-Li's friends before she migrated. He is intelligent, very savvy, but isn't very fluent in English. He works as a software developer for a programming company who had him (and his parents) move to their US office so he could oversee the projects he manages better.

Kung Fu has a few more important characters they introduce, but I'm staying with the ones who will make an impact to the story I'm rewriting.

If you've read my past gripes about the show, you would know that I don't like the fact that Zhi-lan (and Kerwin, later on) was shoved into our throats even when their storylines didn't need to be told. That opinion remains. But it doesn't change the fact that they do make an impact to the story--especially with the finale the show left us with. So they're retaining their recurring status in my rewrite.

And this is where we end for now. In the next post, I will be rejigging the pilot to better set-up who Nicky is and what her relationships are at the start of the series.

[zahkilimasac]

the quarantine that we thought would only last weeks took much longer than we expected.

During the quarantine, we've gone through many struggles. like, adjusting to the new normal, being forbidden to go outside, hang out with your friends, and go shopping. This was one of our ways to relieve stress and enjoy ourselves. But with the pandemic, we can't do any of that. We're stuck at home, left with nothing to do. This causes our mental health to get worse. As a teenager, I also experienced that and it is indeed a hard experience.

So here are 5 things that help me cope up with the situation and enjoy myself during the quarantine that might help you too!

1. Engaging in Arts

The first week of quarantine I was already bored. So, I browse through “shopee” an online shopping app, and the first thing that caught my attention is the cute and affordable drawing materials and stationery. I thought that this would help me to kill some time during the quarantine so I pressed the add to cart button and “check order”! after weeks (some took a month because of the pandemic) items I ordered finally arrived and I don't regret anything. the drawing materials I ordered indeed help me a lot to kill some time and enjoy myself.

Drawing, painting, designing my room with the cute and cool designs I bought, helps me distract myself to think negative things that relieve my anxiety, it disconnects as from stress, express inner thoughts, and even meditate. Aside from that, When drawing, we actively use both sides of our brain, the right for creativity, and the left for logical thinking. This strengthens both and helps develop the ability to focus and think strategically.

Here are some of my works!

2. Journal Making

now that we are quarantined, we can't hang out with our friends, classmates, and enjoy ourselves with them, we can't tell them our stories, no one's gonna listen to our problem. We have our families to speak to that will also listen to us too, but I'm just not open to them, it's hard to open up to my family. I'm not the type of person who shares their problems with their friends. I just tend to keep it myself until I recover from it. But this situation still made an impact on me. I used to love it when I'm alone, but now it's different, It feels lonely. I want to go outside and talk to my friends. I can't handle being alone anymore. My mental health got worst and fragile because of that.

Mid- January I had a panic attack. I was anxious for an unknown reason, to the point, my head hurts from thinking too much, then I start shivering like crazy, I couldn't control my breathing, tears keep falling from my eyes. It lasts almost an hour. I was so afraid. What I did during that time, is wrote in my journal random things, the thing that makes me happy, encouraging words, and my problems to calm myself and distract myself from negative thoughts. Journaling is a tool that allows you to explore the experiences that make you anxious. It helps you clear your mind of intrusive thoughts that “won't leave you alone”. Journaling helps you calm your mind. It releases negative feelings and thoughts.

Here are a few of the pages from my journal!

3. Taking Pictures

Quarantine and left nothing to do. Just scrolling through my social media, Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram. Admiring their pictures, their visuals. It made me a little bit insecure about myself, of how I look like and lose my confidence. So I thought to myself if I can do it too. So I tried it thinking I can get my confidence back.

Aside from pictures connects us to our past, remind us of people, place, feelings, and stories. It becomes my coping mechanism to dress up and look decent and take a picture. Especially now that we are in quarantine, stuck at home. There are no rules that my hair should only be 3 inches long and such. I can express myself and my creativity more. Now that I've been posting my pictures on my social media I gain my confidence back. The amount of love, compliments, and validation they're giving to my pictures are just astronomical.

Here are some of my pictures of me feeling myself!

4. Making Friends Online

I've been feeling lonely since the quarantine started. I'm not a friendly person. so, I only have few friends in real life, and I couldn't message them every time because they have their own lives too, and I don't want to bother them.

So I started by making a new Facebook account to have a new set of friends I can talk to then I posted the pictures I took. Through that, people added me from different places Luzon, Visayas, and Mindanao, and even from other countries like China, Japan, and Lithuania. Some of them I meet through online games. They become a big part of my life as they're the ones who help and cheer me up when I'm down, encourage me, and boost my self-esteem. Though it is kind of sad that you can't meet them for now because they are from far away, and it's hard to communicate with them. Especially when they speak a different language. But with the help of the new technology, we can now watch movies together, translate messages, video calls, and more!

These are some of the screenshots of me and my online friends' face time!

5. Watching Netflix

And Of course, watching Netflix!

Anime, K-Drama, J-Drama, Movies, Cartoons, you name it, you can watch it all on Netflix.

Since I was younger, I always watch anime to kill some time and enjoy myself at the moment. It also becomes my stress reliever. Also, watching movies encourage emotional release. Even those who often have trouble expressing their emotions might find themselves laughing or crying during a film. This release of emotions can have a cathartic effect and also make it easier for a person to become more comfortable in expressing their emotions.

here are some of my favorite scenes!

That's all! thanks for reading! stay safe!

[side-effect-of-the-meds]

Hey! There's this hc that's been on my mind for a while now but it's a bit dark so I've kinda been scared to ask people about it because IDK how it'd go down.... Okay, it's AFTG, and: What if after Aaron's trial with the whole Thanksgiving thingy they propose Aaron should be on mood altering drugs? What would happen? What would people do?? Also I know there are some fanpeople that don't like how Andrew's medication was represented in the books so I completely understand if you'd rather not reply

I’m sorry this took so long and I’m sorry for my recent inactivity. I’m still not ready to come back from my surprise hiatus but here’s this. It’s largely unedited so please forgive my bullshit. Thanks so much for the ask, love <3

“Aaron Minyard was oft-referred to as "the normal one" of the two, though that was usually followed by a debate over whether or not he could be sane when he shared genes with Andrew.”

Anyone with half a brain knows that Aaron doesn’t need the drugs. Hell, anyone with half a brain would have known better than to put a minor on something so strong but Andrew was on them for like 4 yrs + Exy is a thing so obviously no one in this universe has a single functioning brain cell. Another thing to be considered is that Aaron is a rehabilitated drug addict. He’s been sober (or as close to sober as he’s going to get) since he was 16. In the real world, I seriously doubt they’d put him on anti-psychotics, especially considering his past. But this is The Foxhole Court and I’m invoking suspension of disbelief. 

Screams reverberated through Aaron’s head. There weren’t many words Aaron could discern amid the broken sobs and dry heaving. The overwhelming stench of vomit hit his nostrils. Pain shot through his left arm. It was likely dislocated from ramming it into the door at an odd angle. Staggering to his feet, Aaron saw himself in the mirror. Dark circles rimmed his bloodshot eyes. A cruel smile slowly curled the lips of his reflection. Andrew. Swinging a punch at him with his good hand, the mirror shattered. Shards of glass embedded themselves into his fist. Blood ran in rivers down his arms. 

His surroundings distorted, exchanging the soft glow of yellow bulbs for the harsh glow of fluorescents. The blood was gone along with the mirror shards. In their place was a motley of scars. None of them seemed too severe. The acrid smell of smoke clung to the air and mixed with the alcohol and vomit, making Aaron’s stomach roil. The sound of someone retching caught Aaron’s attention. Whirling around, Aaron felt his heart stutter. Matt lay twitching on the floor in a pool of his own spew.

“That’s what you looked like,” Andrew said from beside Aaron. “Pathetic.” The word echoed through Aaron’s head. 

“Aaron?” Nicky said, laying a hand on his shoulder. Aaron jerked away from him as though he’d been burned. Nicky’s face crumpled. Aaron’s gaze darted around the room.Taking stock of his surroundings helped ground him. Overstuffed chairs lined one of the walls. Three sofas boxed off the corner they were sat in. Orange fox prints decorated the white walls, a name, number, and photograph at the center of each. Aaron was back at the Foxhole Court. 

“I told you not to touch him.” Andrew’s voice froze the blood in Aaron’s veins. Stalking forward from the corner he’d been standing in, he moved to stand in front of Aaron. Cold brown eyes identical to Aaron’s own now held his gaze. Aaron wanted to look away but, as always, there was something about his brother’s eyes that never failed to command his attention. 

“How’s he going to play if he’s medicated?” Kevin asked. Aaron felt his heart sink. After spending two years with him, Aaron should have known better than to expect Kevin to care about anything other than Exy but he couldn’t help it. Just as he’d begun to think that the last few months had meant something, Kevin squashed the tiny bud of hope that had blossomed in Aaron’s heart.  

“How are you going to play if I break your other arm?” Andrew snarled. Aaron watched the color drain from Kevin’s face. A part of him wanted to smirk in Kevin’s face. It served the asshole right. All Kevin ever thought about was Exy. Exy and himself. Half of the things the foxes had been through could have been avoided had it not been for Kevin. They wouldn’t have suffered the graffiti attacks nor would they have been constantly dogged by the media. They sure as shit wouldn’t have had Neil and the mafia to contend with had Kevin not been such a selfish asshole, insisting on dragging that good-for-nothing junkie out of the middle of bumfuck Arizona. 

A larger part of Aaron wanted to cradle Kevin in his arms and protect him from Andrew’s wrath. Had Kevin not run, Aaron would never have had the chance to feel the press of Kevin’s vodka drenched lips on his. He definitely wouldn’t have had the chance to hear the soft keening moans that fell from Kevin’s lips when Aaron fucked into him. Worst of all, there would be no soft smiles or lazy kisses before Kevin drifted off to sleep.  

“Andrew,” Neil’s voice was uncharacteristically gentle. Well, not really. Neil’s voice was always gentle when he spoke to Andrew. Gentle and tender and full of love. Aaron couldn’t help but notice the way his brother’s brow softened and his shoulders drooped. Fuck you, Neil Josten. 

The door down the hall slammed shut. The sound of Coach Wymack’s footsteps echoed in the silence. Taking a moment to glance around the assemblage, Wymack read the room and decided it was best not to say anything. Instead, he held out a plastic bag. Aaron’s hand shook as he accepted it. A paper bag resided within the first. Extracting it, Aaron read the label. He’d seen the label a thousand times before but, up until today, it had always borne his brother’s name. 

Pills rattled ominously inside. Sweat slicked Aaron’s palms. Upending the second bag, the sight of the orange bottle jarred Aaron to his core. Andrew took the bottle from Aaron’s lap and squatted in front of him. 

“Two pills in the morning after breakfast,” he said. 

“And two again at 4,” Aaron finished. Andrew pried Aaron’s hand open before unscrewing the cap. Tipping two pills into Aaron’s palm, Andrew lay a hand on the back of his neck. Aaron knew his brother struggled to express his emotions but this was one gesture Aaron had learnt to recognize. It was a gesture of comfort meant to offer support. Staring into his brother’s eyes, Aaron forced himself to bring the pills to his lips. He swallowed them dry, painfully aware of every inch of their passage down his throat. 

Anyone watching knew that Aaron’s descent into madness was swift. Aaron himself didn’t know that, though. To him, time seemed to slow. Staring down at his hands, Aaron flexed his fingers. Were those his fingers? Maybe. Maybe not. Aaron opened his mouth and felt the skin around it stretch. Laughter bubbled out of him at the odd sensation. 

“Aaron?” Nicky asked. Aaron turned his gaze to his cousin and a smile split his face. Once again, the odd sensation of his skin drawing taut left him in a fit of giggles.

“It hurts,” Aaron said. 

“What hurts?” Kevin demanded. 

“Looking at your face,” Aaron replied. Had the words passed anyone else’s lips, Kevin’s anger might have flared to life. Instead, any remaining signs of life seemed to drain from him. Now it really did hurt.

Nicky had always told Aaron that if you looked at something over and over again, you would eventually get it. Perhaps it was because seeing the reward would motivate a person to work towards their goal, but no matter how much Aaron looked at Kevin nor how hard he worked, Aaron knew Kevin would never truly be his. Why he kept tormenting himself by staring at him, Aaron didn’t know. Maybe he was just as self-destructive as Andrew. 

Sadness welled up in Aaron’s chest. A bone deep yearning had settled into him long ago but he suddenly felt the full intensity of- 

“Stickball!” Aaron cried as Neil wheeled the racquet cart out. Rocketing out of his seat, Aaron caught his brother’s arm and yanked it hard. “Andy, come play stickball with me!” 

“Play what?” Kevin squawked.

“Who?” Andrew choked at the same time. 

“Stickball, Andy,” Neil said. A smile curled the edges of his lips. Kevin opened his mouth to say something but Aaron didn’t stick around to hear. Instead, he followed after Neil chanting ‘Stick! Ball! Stick! Ball!’, dragging Andrew along behind him. 

So that gives you a general idea of Aaron’s madness.

Unlike Andrew, Aaron doesn’t really fight his meds. Where Andrew was terrified of not being able to properly watch out for his family, Aaron finds himself freed from all his anxieties. As such, he’s quite content with drifting through his life. I’ve always hc’d the twins as ADHD but are undiagnosed so it’s just a more intense version of how he normally is.

In the last two years, Aaron’s managed to make quite a few friends so they do their best to support him. Since he can’t focus very well and is no longer burdened by his anxieties, I feel like he also kinda relaxes around them??? Like he’s not as awkward. Very easy, breezy, joking around all the time. They really enjoy how much he’s opened up but they care a lot about him and are scared because they don’t know how to help him with class. What ends up happening is Katelyn is an absolute sweetheart. She convinces all of their friends to sit at the front of the room to record the lectures and upload them to a drive along with any extra notes that’ll help Aaron.

All the Foxes have to go to tutoring but Aaron’s tutor gave up the second he started his meds. After getting special permission from Wymack, they cut that time out and changed up the practice schedules a bit so Aaron could get out early and head back to Fox Tower. Once he’s made it through withdrawal, Katelyn will sit him down and help him work through his assignments. She’s a godsend. 

Aaron is usually off his meds on weekends. He usually goes out to Columbia with the Monsters. He still dances with Nicky and has his fair share of fun. They go to the mall pretty often bc there’s a carousel with spinning tea cups. The twins have spent an entire afternoon riding the spinning tea cups, competing to see who hurls first. Aaron almost always wins. Andrew will take him out late Saturday nights and speed down closed sections of highways or do donuts in parking lots because they're both dumbasses with death wishes. 

One weekend a month, Aaron remains at Fox Tower with Katelyn for spa day where they wax poetic about their respective crushes. Kate’s got a bit of a thing for a boy on the lacrosse team. Aaron screams bc he hates the guy. One time, at a party, the dude was talking to Kevin, shit talking both Kayleigh and Exy, completely unaware of exactly who he was talking to. Kevin ended up with a blackeye but the lacrosse kid couldn’t play for nearly two months. 

Speaking of Kevin, he’s only thing that ever seems to hold any of Aaron’s attention. He’s just so… pretty. If Exy is Neil’s shiny object, then Kevin is Aaron’s. Since Aaron makes even less of an effort to pay attention than Andrew did, there's times when he straight up can’t play. It infuriates Kevin to the point where Aaron gets pulled off the court. At first he doesn’t mind because it means that he can sit back and watch Kevin without any fear of getting caught. However, ever since he got put on his meds, Kevin hasn’t touched him. Not even in a non-sexual way. Before, there were casual touches: a hand on the small of Aaron’s back, shoulders pressed together as they squished into a booth, ankles hooked beneath the table. Now? There’s nothing. Kevin leaves a conspicuous space between himself and Aaron and it’s the only thing Aaron can feel anymore. 

So he starts paying attention on the court. Whenever they have a scrimmage, Aaron makes sure that he’s marking Kevin. Everytime Kevin crashes into him, Aaron’s consciousness slams back into his body. The heat of Kevin’s skin on his, their limbs tangled together, their ragged breaths intermingling, their helmets the only thing keeping their mouths from colliding together. Those little encounters are the only times when Aaron finally feels like himself. Those little encounters only last a few seconds and leave Aaron craving more, more, more. 

Aaron noticed that medicated Andrew was always brushing up against Neil but he’d never really thought much of it. Now he understood. Andrew had craved Neil just as Aaron craved Kevin. 

Speaking of Neil, he and Aaron get along well? I feel like Aaron is just as much of a smart mouth as Neil so the two of them just go around roasting the shit out of everyone. The drugs don’t change Aaron’s opinion of Neil but he begins to understand why Andrew broke their deal. Realizing that Neil didn’t steal his brother from him, Aaron starts to see the appeal in him. He’s stupid and funny and actually kind of pretty. Not as pretty as Kevin but pretty nonetheless. On weekends in Columbia, Aaron begins to notice all the things Neil does for his brother. Neil wakes up early in the morning to make breakfast and spends hours in the kitchen baking. He always picks up an extra pint of ice cream at the store and takes photos of stray cats to send Andrew. One time, Aaron couldn’t sleep and went to the kitchen for some water. His heart almost stopped when he heard Andrew’s rumbling laughter. Sneaking a peek around the corner, his heart really did stutter. Neil was standing on Andrew’s feet as he waltzed around the kitchen to the soft strains of music flowing from the radio. After aaron’s heart restarted, he hurried away because OH MY GOD ANDREW WAS LAUGHING AND DANCING AND HOLDING NEIL SO TENDERLY AND OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

Okay so maybe Neil did sic the mafia on them but he also makes Andrew happy so that evens it out right? It’s v slow but Aaron is very slowly learning to accept Neil.

Slipping back to his room, Aaron placed a hand to his chest, feeling his heart racing a mile a minute. Off his meds, Aaron found it hard to stem the surge of jealousy threatening to overwhelm him. He was glad Andrew had found someone who loved him the way he deserved to be but didn’t Aaron deserve love too? 

A soft knock sounded behind him. Aaron nearly leapt out of his skin at the sound. Oh, fuck. What it was Andrew? What if he’d seen him? With shaking hands, Aaron opened the door. For the second time that night, Aaron’s heart stopped. 

Vodka stained lips crashed against his. Aaron’s mouth opened on impact and he felt the warm slide of Kevin’s tongue on his. A moan tore from Kevin, reverberating down Aaron’s thought. It was a shot right to his core. Suddenly, Aaron’s clothes felt too tight, his body too warm. Grabbing the collar of Kevin’s shirt, Aaron hauled him into the room. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Aaron panted as he tore himself away from Kevin.

“Missed you,” Kevin slurred as he leaned back in. Aaron shoved him away, sending Kevin crashing into the wall. The look of anguish that washed over Kevin’s features threatened to tear Aaron’s heart out of his chest. 

“You haven’t come near me in months,” Aaron hissed. “Why now?” Kevin opened his mouth but nothing came out. He tried two more times before dropping his gaze. 

“Because I got scared.” Wrapping his arms around himself, Kevin retreated into his shoulders. “No one’s ever made me feel like this before. All day, all night, you’re all I ever think about.”

“You don’t think about me on the court,” Aaron sneered.

“And you don’t watch me from the sidelines.” Aaron felt the blood rush to his face. It had been years since Aaron had prayed but now he begged God to bend the shadows of his room to hide the burning of his ears. “Exy was all I’ve ever had. Back then, I played to stay alive but now… now I play because I know you can’t take your eyes off me when I do.” Kevin reached out slowly, giving Aaron time to move away. Relief flooded his face when Aaron didn’t flinch. As Kevin’s hand cupped his face, Aaron leaned into the touch. Pulling their bodies flush against one another, Kevin bent down enough to rest his forehead against Aaron’s. “I don’t want Exy to be the only thing I love anymore.”

“Then pick something,” Aaron whispered. He could feel his heart slamming against his ribcage as though it was trying to escape. He knew what was coming but nothing prepared him for actually hearing it.  

“ I pick you,” Kevin replied. Their lips collided once more and Aaron let Kevin steer them to the bed. Collapsing onto it in a tangle of limbs, Aaron felt like himself for the first time in months.  

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

Hiya. I've been noticing a large inequality in the amount of attention each 19 Days couple has been getting, specifically how the fandom seems to favour Tianshan over Zhanyi. I was wondering why you think this is, especially since Zhanyi is the more romantic couple and have been around a lot longer. Do you think there is any reason behind it in the narrative or do you think this speaks more to the fandom's nature?

Good afternoon, dear anon-san! <(_ _)>

I feel like I’m starting every answer with this lately but I’m sorry it took me a while to get to your question. Thank you for your patience! One of the reasons why I took my time answering this is that your question was a bit different from what I usually get. I feel like whenever one talks about Fandom Discourse™, it requires a different kind of thinking hat than analyzing the story and characters themselves.

Also, before I get into this further I think I should remind you that all of this is coming from someone who’s OTP is Tianshan. I always try to include objectivity and keep my biases in check in my answers, but Tianshan is my personal disposition. Just something to keep in mind when it comes to my thoughts regarding hot potato topics like this one.

The  fandom rhetoric and discourse of Tianshan vs. Zhanyi

I think a good place to start is to take a step back and look at the overall rhetoric and discourse of this conversation. The way we talk about something and the kinds of words we use play an essential role in how the topic, in general, is seen. Words carry our attitudes and have the power to tint the nature and tone of the conversation.

Your ask is a good example. Words like “inequality”, “favor X over Y”, “more romantic”, and “been around a lot longer” carry on the discourse - a way of talking about something - that I have seen around quite a lot. That it’s unfair Zhanyi doesn’t get at least an equal amount of attention compared to Tianshan. That they are the first couple - the main couple - but now they have been taking the backseat for quite a while both in the fandom and comic itself. They’re also the more “romantic” couple which usually translates into “healthier”, so surely they should be more popular.

Now, I don’t know if you chose to put things in that way because it reflects your personal thoughts on the matter or for some other reason. And I suppose it doesn’t really matter. This part isn’t meant to point fingers at anyone - yourself included, dear anon-san - but rather discuss the nature of the conversation in general.

I want to address this aspect because I think this kind of rhetoric carries some misconceptions and counterproductive attitudes. There is no rule anywhere that says the first couple A)is entitled to the most love and appreciation of the fans or B)is the only main couple/focus the story can have. This isn’t about unfairness, inequality, or readers somehow owing anything to the first couple. I think we have passed the point of thinking 19 Days only has one main couple a long time ago.

Also, when it comes to Tianshan vs. Zhanyi, people are quick to be evaluative. In other words, to think one is somehow better than the other based on their own personal tastes and, in Tianshan’s case, morality. Just because Zhanyi is more “romantic” doesn’t mean it should appeal to the readers more than Tianshan. They are two completely different dynamics that appeal to people differently. And just because the one deemed more controversial is also the popular one doesn’t have to mean the fandom is somehow problematic.

All that being said, though, I don’t blame the Zhanyi fans. I understand their frustration and where it stems from. As a Tianshan shipper, it’s easy for me to get on my high horse and just tell them to deal with the shift in focus in the comic and that the Zhanyi tag is quite dry compared to Tianshan. I get all of that and I feel for you guys. I just really don’t agree with the usual arguments about fairness, being there first, and owing something. I understand those are probably the most convenient arguments to grasp and take your frustration out on. But they’re not based on some truths or principles of fiction like some people seem to think they are.

Is Tianshan more popular among the fans than Zhanyi? If so, why?

It’s difficult to say which ship has the most fans. There aren’t any records of such things, and I believe many of us are fans of both. But based on my experience, I think it’s safe to say Tianshan is at least more active. Many content creators and readers love both Tianshan and Zhanyi but are just more active with Tianshan for some reason. And active content creators and consumers feed new creators and attract even more consumers. For example, whenever both of the couples are featured in a chapter, a lot more Tianshan art based on it flows through my feed than Zhanyi. (Even if I check the tags.) So yes, I think it’s not completely baseless to assume Tianshan is the more popular one out of the two.

As to why that is, I can only speak for myself and draw some very tentative general conclusions based on that.

I think it mostly comes down to Tianshan being the kind of dynamic and MGS and HT being the kinds of characters that often appeal to people and attract their interest. A pushy seme who is devilishly mischevious but also has a dangerous mental switch that - when turned on - excites the readers. Under the seemingly carefree surface, he hides a traumatic past which he doesn’t want to reveal to anyone because it makes him vulnerable. The only exception who is trusted to get close enough to the seme emotionally is a reluctant blushing tsundere uke who loudly claims not to care but who occasionally shows affection in unexpected ways. And the uke’s misunderstood delinquent background combined with his responsible nature and devotion to his family invites us to feel protective of him. Both characters are quite heavy on the “hard exterior, soft/vulnerable interior” type. I think many of those tropes are often featured and very popular in boys love (BL) stories one way or another. 

I also feel like Tianshan as a relationship is more active and dynamic which inspires its content creators and sparks discussions. Both HT and MGS are developing as their relationship keeps developing. And in return, the development of their relationship drives their character development, and round and round it goes. Of course, the same can be said about Zhanyi, but it’s just... less, you know? Smaller in scale and big parts of it are already done.

Compared to that, Zhanyi is more static. Admittedly, they have had less “screentime” than Tianshan, but I’m somewhat struggling to see drastic changes in ZZX and JY’s characters in the future. As a couple and respective characters, ZZX and JY are lightyears ahead of Tianshan (and HT and MGS). But that also means they have already gone through some of the significant emotional turning points. It seems JY’s pending kidnapping is the biggest ever-looming plot point for them for now. But then again we already know they seem to pick up where they left off even after that, so... Is their endgame comfortable domestic bliss and ZZX getting more and more used to their relationship? Whereas Tianshan will probably always carry the theme of right vs. wrong and what it’s like to learn to trust and open up?

I’m not saying either storyline is inherently better than the other because it comes down to everyone’s personal taste and interests. But I could see why Tianshan could attract more readers.

Personally, as much as I adore and root for Zhanyi, I’m more pulled towards Tianshan’s dynamic and MGS’s character. They’re more to my taste and where my interests usually tend to lie. As a content creator, they inspire me more. I feel like Tianshan, MGS, and HT have more complex layers for me to explore. But I’m also sure many Zhanyi shippers would argue otherwise.

So, the narrative of the story or the nature of the fandom? I think it’s a combination of both. And on top of that, it’s different for everyone, so one should be careful about making broad assumptions. One thing is for sure, though: it’s not somehow wrong to have preferences. You don’t have to feel obligated to like something or guilty about liking what you like. It’s unfortunate there’s been a lull in the Zhanyi story and neck of the fandom, but it’s not fair to take it out on the Tianshan fans. 19 Days’ fandom doesn’t have the burden of big ship wars, so please, let’s not create them for nothing. Both Tianshan and Zhanyi are obviously the endgame relationships, so there’s no reason to worry either of is going to be left behind. 

Thank you for your very interesting question, dear anon-san! <(_ _)> I’ve been wanting to talk about this, actually, so I’m glad you gave me this nudge.

Also, I want to take this opportunity to wish a happy, healthy, safe, and successful new year to you dear anon-san, all my followers, and anyone reading this post! <(^_^)>