#especially izzy and aether like honestly you're both fucking saints for letting me ramble in your dm's all the time
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#random vent post i'll prob delete later but i wanna scream in the tags to get this out of my system#i wish my anxiety wasn't so goddam crippling especially when it comes to my hobbies#hobbies are things i'm supposed to enjoy doing and help me relax but my stupid brain won't stfu no matter what i'm doing#like my current problem is my brain trying to tell me that I'm playing farming sims incorrectly or that i'm a fake writer#like i sunk back into my rune factory addiction and farming sims are supposed to be cozy/relaxation games right?#no I'm constantly stressing myself out that I'm not optimizing my crops correctly or progressing the story fast enough or something stupid#like I have an obsession to make every crop/flower level 10 and making sure I always have an obscene amount of corn#since i'm dumping like an unholy amount of nutrients into my soil so i need the corn to bring it's hp back up#i spend most of my time in game micromanaging my crops to make my fields look nice only to realize the shop closed and i cant buy more seed#then i gotta make sure i'm only taming the 'right' monsters and then all the boss monsters#and lets not forget about murakumo because i plan to have Ares ride that innkeeper but fucking Lucy and Priscilla keep overtaking him#because i have to talk to them every day to buy recipe bread and seeds#so i end up throwing grilled skipjack at murakumo every day to make sure my friendship level is always highest with him#because i tried confessing to him in game yesterday AND HE FUCKING FREINDZONED ME#took 10d8 physic damage from that because it was the day after the firefly festival and i thought we had a moment on the beach murakumo#you were blushing and everything when Ares said you looked impressive#but anyways enough about my farming sim rant because honestly that's just a smokeguard so that i'm not perceived#my real issue lately is that any time i open a word document my imposters syndrome starts beating my brain with a spiked bat#or if i start interacting with anything tigerghost related my chest feels like it's getting torn apart#like for some reason it's become a fucking uphill battle to read other people fics and I don't understand why#i think it's because i'm scared that they're way better than me or that if i read these fics it's going to subconsciously affect my own#and then i'll get called out for plagiarism or something cus that's what kinda happened when I was active in the pokespe fandom#i read someone else's fic and realized that they took several scenes from my fics word for word and just threw in an extra character#i called them out on it and it started all this drama that just tainted my experience with fandom in general#it honestly hurt me so badly i left tumblr and stopped writing for a very long time because it killed my creative drive#it took me literal years to finish my stardew fic because of this like it's supposed to be a hobby i do it for fun right?#but no my brain is fucking stupid and keeps telling me that i'm doing it wrong#there have been so many amazing and creative people in the nicktoons unite fandom and everyone i've talked with so far is really nice#especially izzy and aether like honestly you're both fucking saints for letting me ramble in your dm's all the time#like i love talking with people esp about stuff i'm passionate about (which is usually about the characters in whatever story i'm writing)
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