#especially in light of what she actually says to ana later after her confession

[niuxita21]

Are you sure about your feelings for Ferrán? Ferrán is a great guy. My feelings for him are super clear. I hope you’re trying to convince me and not yourself.

[cirrius-akiyo]

YOU ARE MADE OF STARDUST

(Part 1/?)

Evan: I'm craving for cheesecake. I'm going out to get some. Do you want any?

Eddie is helping Hen stocking up the ambulance after their last call depleted 'em dry when the notification came in. His eyebrows shot up after reading the message. 

 Eddie: You know you are not allowed to drive yet. I'll get you some later. 

Evan: :( But the doctor said I'm clear for light activities. I'm driving. Not running there. :<

Eddie: Which is still a bad idea with your condition. 

Evan: But I'm dying for a cheesecake. How could you. :( 

Eddie: You will not die from a cheesecake craving.

Evan: Meanie. I'll have the bed for myself tonight. >:(

 

Eddie can't help but to let his eyes roll so far, he thinks he saw his brain back there. He can actually hears how Buck is huffing in displeasure right now, looking like a kicked giant golden-retriever. He knows Buck is joking with the "d" word, but after experiencing how near death is always lurking around, the word just send shudders to his spine. 

He can hear Hen snorts in amusement beside him. "Already looking for trouble, that husband of yours?" Hen teases in mirth. 

Eddie just shakes his head in resignation. "According to him, he's dying for a cheesecake and wanted to drive out to get some. And now I'm the bad person for not allowing him to." Eddie rants, hands swinging around to make his point.

Eddie understands the house rests are driving Buck crazy. Not allowed to do everything he usually does himself must be frustrating. If anything, Eddie is actually proud with his husband for not throwing much tantrum in the course of his healing. Eddie's eyes proceed to linger on his phone's wallpaper, the recent image of Buck and Chris snuggled in their blanket fort acts as a reminder for him that Buck is still here. 

Hen, blessed the patron of observance that she is, notices how Eddie's facial expression suddenly falls. She gingerly moves closer to Eddie, patting his back in an consoling motion. "Eddie. Buck is okay. Little scratch there, but he is fine." Hen enunciates to Eddie slowly, like she usually would when comforting the distressed victims during calls. 

That makes the wall Eddie has build so thick and high crumbling down. 

"But he almost not be." Eddie chokes on tears. "He almost leave us, Hen. Buck almost died." Eddie swallows the bitter taste on his tongue. Oh God. Saying that out loud just make the whole ordeal more concrete. More tangible than Eddie had previously perceived. He was in a state of constant obscurity after the doctor delivered the news when Buck was admitted to the hospital. Feeling like the color of the world seeped out from the corner of his eyes, leaving only grayish fog in his view. 

Hen is now hugging Eddie, letting him to cry out his burden away. "Hey now. It's okay. Everything will be just fine."

"But what if it's not? I kissed another woman on the night before he collapsed, Hen." Eddie admits. He never tell anybody about that night, too ashamed of himself. But also afraid of the judgment that may come with it. 

Hen stalled. Her face morphes in confusion.

"But isn't that the night of the parents-teachers conference?" Hen frowns, recalling her memory to that day. It's not like Eddie goes to a bar or something. 

Eddie nods weakly. 

"Who?" Hen queries. Her face returns back to neutral and it make Eddie queasy in his stomach even more.  

"Ana." 

Oh boy. Hen knows Buck is insecure about Shannon, uncomfortable with the thought that he is replacing her in the Diaz's household. Hen also knows other women that Buck are still insecure about are Lena and Ana, both of different reasons but it is not her place to say. 

"Have you talk about it?" Hen then pries. She is still regretting the day she decided to cheat on Karen with her ex, and the downfall Denny might has to suffer. She knows what had happened between Karen and her was bad, so she is confident Buck and Eddie will come back from this, seeing that Buck didn't kicked Eddie out of his hospital room once he woke up actually lucid. 

"He forgives me, Hen. Easily." Eddie sighs. He still feels like he doesn't deserve love from Evan Buckley. Evan Buckley-Diaz now. "He forgives me too easily." Eddie murmurs under his breath, not intending for Hen to hear, but she heard them anyway. 

"If Buck forgives you, then maybe you need to  start forgiving yourself too." Hen offers. 

 

"We're only humans floating on a rock

But I think that you are made of stardust

Unconditional, you put up with so much

I can never repay the way you love

Back to the sky, we all have to fly back home, back home

The sweetest goodbyes are never with smiles at all"

 

///

 

Eddie swings open their house door without any grace, blaming his occupied hands. He can hear the clacking sound of his son's crutches and the stomping of Buck's socks-clad feet coming towards him. Within seconds, his once full hands are left empty when the box exchanged ownership. The duo are gone as fast as they come, robbing the cake away from Eddie. 

"Well hello to both of you, too." Eddie huffs in mock annoyance. 

The boys are too busy in deciding which flavor of cheesecake to start off with to even acknowledge Eddie's jeer. Eddie just smile fondly, not slightly bothered. He then snakes his hands around Buck's waist and pulls on his stomach so that Eddie's chest collides with his husband's back, tendering a chaste kiss to the corner of Buck's full lips. 

"Kiss later Daddy. Pops and I need to choose now." Chris admonishes him, as if Eddie just disrupt their very top-level mission. 

"Listen to our son. You know how much this decision is important to both of us. And you have me tortured all day craving for these." Buck teases, fluttering his eyelashes sinfully. 

"Well, sorry for missing my husband." Eddie pulls his lips downwards, feigning hurt but tighten his hug regardless. 

"You know I miss my cheesecake more than ever today. So can you please go take a shower while we plate this. You stink." Buck continues to bat his eyelashes, poking fun at Eddie. 

Loosening his hold on his husband, Eddie reluctantly walks over to their bedroom, ready to wash away the day. Being alone in their room, Eddie remembers what Hen had said. Forgiving himself. Eddie never thought that is an option until Hen had spelled out to him today. It is a nice concept. Nevertheless, Eddie cannot see himself doing just that yet. Eddie feels like if he ever forgives himself, then whatever Buck has endured is meaningless. Eddie does not deserve the salvation, what more from himself no matter how nice the sentiment is. 

Eddie is brought back to the reality when his phone vibrates in his back pocket. 

 

Evan: Better be quick. I'm not to be accountable for a sugar-high child tonight. ;)

 

Eddie lets out a chuckle, his self-loathing forgotten for a moment.

***

Showered and shaved, Eddie steps out to the kitchen where Chris and Buck are still sitting around their plates of half-eaten cheesy and sugary goodness, chatting about something school related. Seeing Eddie, Buck immediately stood up and walks towards the oven, pulling out Eddie's share of dinner, still perfectly warm when Eddie took the plate from Buck. What has Eddie done in his previous life to deserve this man. 

Sitting down next to Chris, Eddie can see the anticipation bubbling from Buck's face as he scoops up a hefty serving of lasagna with his spoon. Eddie doesn't need to pretend. He actually  honest to God lets out a huge appreciative moan when he took the bite. No offense to Bobby, but Buck is surpassing the Captain in no time in the cooking department. 

And there are the twinkles again. 

The twinkles that Eddie has longed before and now seeing them making their comeback just make Eddie's appetite that somehow was lost to grow. 

"I love you." The words automatically fall out of his mouth, despite being loaded with food. He can imagine Abuela scolding him for talking with his mouth full. 

Buck's cheeks tinted with pink. "You only love my cooking." Buck flusters, eyes looking everywhere but Eddie. His forks keep poking the remaining cheesecake in his plate. He's used with Eddie's declarations of loves, but often they are done privately. Other time is just chaste exchange of kisses and hand-holding or sometimes they were said in playful banter. Not in serious manner as how Eddie just did. 

Chris, blessed his innocent soul supplies, "No Pops. Daddy really loves, loves you. He's very sad when you're sick." Oh. Buck knows Eddie must be worried, but he is good at masking his emotions especially in front of Chris. For Chris to be able to see that, Eddie must has shown his vulnerability, which is unusual. Now the pink has changed to red. 

Eddie think it is impossible for Buck's cheeks to get redder than this. Eddie can actually see the flush travels down his neck to his chest and he tries his best suppressing the urge to imagine how far the tint goes like they usually does when they are in their bed. A child is present, Eddie. 

"I, I... I love you, too." Buck finally confess shyly. 

Chris cheers in delight while finishing his last bite of cake in one inhale.

"Am I still on the couch tonight?" Eddie wiggles his eyebrows seductively which only successfully making Buck to blush deeper. 

"You are." 

 

"But when our lives are running out

And your heartbeat has taken the draw

Could you try to look around?

I'll be there to pull you back up

I'll be around you

I'm nothing without you

I won't leave you alone

'Cause when the stars are falling down

There's love in the dark (I'll be there) (I'll be there)

There's love in the dark (I'll be there) (I'll be there)"

 

///

 

Eddie in fact did not end up on the couch.

Waking up to some delicious smell is not foreign in the Buckley-Diaz household now Buck has taken over the position as their chief chef. Buck literally is their savior, saving Chris and him from the damnation cereals, frozen meals and takeouts.  

Eddie rubs the sleep off his face, still feeling the leftover fatigue from yesterday. A 48 hours shift will never get easier no matter how accustomed his body might be. 

No matter how inviting the smell is, he knows he needs to wash up first or else Buck will dismiss him from the kitchen. "We don't mix filth and food at this table, Eddie." Not that Buck really mind when Eddie christened the kitchen, making Buck bending over the dining table some times ago. 

Later Eddie will find vast array of baking ingredients on the kitchen counter still unpacked in the shopping bags. 

"What are you doing?" Eddie asks once he steps into the kitchen. 

Buck turns around from the stove. "Erm...French toast?" He then expertly flips the toast to its other side. "Yours will be ready in a minute."

Eddie shuffles closer, stroking Chris' hair who is happily nibbling at the toast Buck had prepared for him. 

"No, Evan. I'm talking about the baking ingredients. Did you go out to buy all this?" Eddie's voice full of concern. 

Buck proceeds to transfer the toast to an awaiting plate before turning off the stove. "What if I did?" He challenges defiantly. 

"Evan, you know you shouldn't drive by yourself. Not yet." Eddie pulls Buck's hands into his. 

Buck's face breaks into mischievous grin. "No, you worrywart. Carla brought this over when she stopped by this morning." 

Eddie doesn't realise he was holding his breath. "Why didn't you ask me to buy them for you?" 

Buck actually scoffs. "Because you will mess with the list, opting sub-standard brands in favour for cheaper ingredients. Which I will not tolerate because this is too important." 

"And what is this that is too important to not have subpar ingredients in them?" Eddie knows Buck loves to bake, more than cooking actually. But the amount of ingredients on their kitchen counter is almost equivalent to what a bakery needs daily. 

That only makes Buck to grin even wider. "Tell your Daddy, Chris." Buck calls out.

"Bake Sale!" Chris shouts in excitement from his chair, hands high in the air cheering to the news. 

///

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Eddie chance a glance to Buck who is still unpacking the ingredients from the shopping bags, separating them from dry to wet. They have enough ingredients to bake almost anything, so Chris is in the living room, tasked to research on what will they bake for the school's Bake Sale. 

Buck looks at Eddie with confusion etched on his face. "Why wouldn't I be?" Buck asks without hesitation.

Eddie exhales. "Ana will be there." Now Eddie wish for a hole to swallow him down so he doesn't have to face his husband scrutinizing eyes. 

Buck pauses. "So? Why is that a problem?" Buck replied back, tone almost challenging. 

Eddie doesn't really know how to react to Buck's questions. He then clears his throat. "I...I don't want you to get uncomfortable." He stutters, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. 

A beat of silence wash over them. 

After a moment, Buck closes their distance, pulling Eddie forward. Buck smells like cinnamon and powdered sugar.

"Maybe I want to be there." Buck honest to God smirks at him. "Maybe I want to stake my claim." He whispers behind the shell of Eddie's ear, making him shudders in delight and terror. "Maybe I want to show her that you're mine. That I'm yours." Buck continues boldly, slyly. 

Eddie feels the heat burning him all over. He takes a shuddering breath, all while thinking about Chris in the living room to prevent him from grinding their hips together. Oh God. Is this how Buck will punish him from now on? To let him succumbs to blue balls? 

"Pops, I found it!" Christopher pipes in from the living room, yelling in delight. 

"I'll be there in a second, buddy." But Buck's seductive smile doesn't falter. In fact, he proceeds to wet his red lips sinfully before kissing Eddie deeply. It takes all of Eddie's willpower not to moan, but as fast as the kiss start, Buck breaks apart with teasing grin and a wink. Eddie's mouth went dry.

Dear, Lord. 

Eddie then is left alone in the kitchen with a hard on. Why does Buck likes to torture him this way? If this is the path to his salvation, dear God please help him. 

///

Just like the weather forecast had predicted, it's raining cats and dogs that night. Eddie leaves the couch and walk towards Chris' bedroom to check on his son in case he is woken up by the thunder and lightning dancing outside their windows. Seeing that Chris is still sleeping undisturbly, he decides to settle for the night, switching off the television and checking at all the locks again. 

When he enters their bedroom, he can see Buck's messy curls poking out from under the duvet. Buck is sleeping in the center of their bed, leaving little to no space for Eddie to squeeze in. 

Eddie stroke the soft curls lovingly. Usually that does the trick to wake Buck up. "Hey, darling. Move over a little will you." Eddie pulls down the duvet, but Buck doesn't budge. 

"Evan, you need to move over a bit so I can slide in." Eddie slowly shakes his husband gently, trying to rouse the man. Still no response. 

Worry immediately creeps into Eddie. He ungracefully kneels beside the bed, half of his body on the bed. "Please Evan, open your eyes. Hey, Evan. Wake up." Eddie craddles Buck's head in his hand, tapping his cheek firmly. Yet Buck's eyelids remain glued shut. 

"Sweetheart, please wake up. Please." Eddie pleads brokenly, still shaking Buck's shoulder. When Buck's head lolled back, his features slack and unmoving, Eddie can feel his heart stutters. 

No. Not again. Not yet. Not like this. God. Oh God.

"I'd do anything to relive our memories

And listen to your songs play in my head

'Cause I hate the silence, it's the only thing I get

I wish I could hear your voice once again

And your heartbeat, all of the small things, oh, oh

The sweetest goodbyes are never with smiles at all"

///

[wonderlandmind4]

Delicate Stages Drabbles: 18

Teach Them How to Say Goodbye

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OFC

Summary: Drabbles following Delicate Stages. Looking into the life of Bucky and Ana.

Warnings: Wow. There’s absolutely no bad language in this one. That’s the first. A little fluff. The beginning.

Words: 3,026

A/N: Hi. So. Here it is….the beginning of the end…game….(Do not read unless you’ve read Delicate Stages first)

The moment Ana and Bucky arrive at the palace, is the moment Ana is dragged away by one of the medical scientists. She knows she missed her vitals and energy level check up the other day, mainly due to nausea and the ever growing feeling of energy. Instead, she had snuggled against Bucky’s chest while he gently rubbed circles over her stomach, which lulled her to sleep.

Now, Ana keeps an eye on Bucky as he shoots an encouraging smile over his shoulder before he continues to the landing pad. Nervous trills of energy tingle throughout her veins, though Ana can’t decipher if it’s from the upcoming fight or being away from Bucky for more than two minutes. She chews her lip until her levels are recorded, nearly falling off the table in her hast to meet Bucky.

“Mrs. Barnes,” The Medical Scientist speaks up with concern, making her halt. “Your stress levels are climbing. This is not good for your body, especially in your current predicament. I would like to take an-“

“Later, please?” Ana begs, beginning to walk back. “I just need to be with my husband, is all. I feel fine, I promise.”

The usual kind man looks skeptical, but after a moment of hesitation, he nods. Ana smiles then quickly exits the lab. She barely catches the tail end of Bucky’s quip as he greets Steve with a hug. Steve, with a full-grown bread he didn’t have the last time they saw him. Ana catches the people standing just behind him and she picks up her pace, bypassing the two men and launching herself straight into Natasha’s open arms.

“Nat!” Ana cries, overjoyed with seeing her friend after a year.

“My favorite Barnes!” Natasha greets fondly, squeezing her tight.

She hears Bucky make an indigent noise behind her, before a pair of bigger arms wrap around them both.

“I guess I’m just ignored now? That’s cold, Ana.”

Ana pulls back enough to see Natasha roll her eyes, shoving Sam away from them. Ana turns to give him a proper hug, laughing into his shoulder.

“I could never ignore my favorite wing man,” She promises, tapping her fingers against his folded wings on his back before they break apart.

“It’s pretty easy, actually,” Bucky inputs, sounding much closer to her now. His tone is also fond, though he’d probably never admit that.

“He’s not giving you trouble right?” Sam questions sternly, though his eyes shine with mirth.

“No more than usual,” She winks.

Then she spots Wanda, her arm wrapped around Vision’s waist. Wanda gives her a tiny, exhausted smile as Ana makes her way over to them. She gives them each a hug, double checking if they are both alright, especially after her friend gives her the tightest, a little shaky, embrace. Bruce Banner gives her an awkward wave, making her roll her eyes and wrap her arms around him too. The energy she feels within him leaves her breathless, but she doesn’t ask about it, figuring she’ll know soon enough. Lieutenant Colonel Rhodes is next, shooting Ana a bright smile after a brief hug.

“Everyone doing alright?” She questions, worry settling in her heart. She can feel an underlying emotion of fear, dread. She eyes the advanced orthotic on Rhodes lower body.

He notices, tapping the side. “Tony made it specifically for me. Took some getting used to, but it makes me look badass.”

A bright laugh escapes Ana’s mouth, glad to see that despite his situation, the Colonel is in good spirits. Before the conversations can carry on, they are all being invited inside by T’Challa, him and the guards leading the way.

Ana can read Bucky’s energy before his fingers slip through hers. It feels, nervous. She attempts a reassuring smile towards him, then presses a quick peck to his left shoulder; vibrainum cool under her lips.

Natasha walks past them, pauses, turns and tilts her head. Her ever sharp green eyes scan Ana’s body. “Ana, are you…glowing?”

“It’s her thing now,” Bucky responds with a smirk.

She opens her mouth to answer, but a sharp surge of energy shoots up her spine. She presses her free hand to her chest, nearly doubling over before Bucky holds her firmly by the arms. She’s gasping, trying to control the strange chaos in her chest, reaching out to grip Bucky’s vest to steady herself. He instructs her to count her breaths quietly, pressing his forehead to hers so she can copy his own breathing.

“There you go, sweetheart,” He praises softly, hands rubbing up and down her arms. “Alright?”

Nodding, Ana straightens up, offering the best smile she can to her concerned husband. “Yeah, good. It’s just…stronger.”

Bucky frowns.

“Are you okay, Ana? What was that?” Natasha inquires carefully, curious wrinkle between her brows.

“I’m fine, promise.”

“Maybe you should stay-“ Bucky begins. He’s quickly cut off with a heat look from Ana. “Right. Let’s just go inside then.”

Natasha looks as if she wants to say more, but she moves pass them. Ana cups Bucky’s jaw, scratching his beard lightly before pressing her thumb to the corner of his mouth to raise his lip up. He chuckles, eyes soft as he wraps his fingers around her wrist.

“I just worry about you, Annie,” He breathes into her palm.

“I know. I worry about you too. I am worrying about you now,” She confesses. She brings his face closer to hers, pressing a light kiss to his mouth. “We should be inside. Important things to discuss.”

Bucky kisses the tip of her nose, lacing their fingers together. “Let’s go then.”

*

A plan of action has been set. Bruce had explained everything he knows and what he saw; a giant purple Titan with an alien army who thinks he is right. Bruce even tells them his hunch of where Thor might be. Shuri is doing something fancy with the Mind Stone embedded in Vision’s forehead, Wanda hovering close by, and Bruce looking on with interest. Steve is still chatting with T’Challa, some of the Dora Milaje including General Okoye and Ayo.

Ana had to step away, retreating to her work space within the lab, Bucky trailing right behind her. She fiddles with the rings on her fingers, barely containing the heavy atmosphere of emotions and nervous energy. It doesn’t add too well with the storm cloud that had been brewing for months with the apparent war for the fate of the Earth. She presses her hands over her stomach and her chest.

With every passing second, what she feels grows worse. Her veins singe like they’re burning, her heartrate is picking up. Before she can panic, a soft sense of comfort washes over her right as Bucky takes her hand. He tangles their fingers together, lifting hers to press a gentle kiss against the scars of her wrist.

Instantly, the tension eases from her shoulders. She watches as Bucky places a kiss to each of her knuckles, then he pulls her closer, softly pressing his lips over her eyebrow. Ana traces the lines of his left arm with the fingers he isn’t holding, grounding herself.

“Breathe, Annie Doll,” Bucky murmurs, lifting her chin with his metal fingers. His eyes are calm as he stares into hers; shifting like they do when he counts the gold speck. His irises the color of the unique rocks that surround the mineral spring; a cool grayish-blue. Almost as if his eyes sense the ominous clouds over them.

Nodding, she does as she’s told, inhaling and exhaling deeply. “Are you feeling alright?” She checks after a good two minutes.

Bucky narrows his eyes suspiciously. “I’m fine, darlin’. Don’t you dare think about changing anyone’s energy. Especially mine.”

He adds a good-natured poke to her nose just to make her scrunch it. She gently tugs his hair, a bit wavy now that it’s dried.

“Promise,” Ana smiles, pressing a fleeting kiss to his jaw.

“Do you just want to stay here until it’s time?” He questions somberly. Ana nods. “Here, sit down.”

“No, you sit,” Ana insists, guiding him over to one of the medical tables instead of her desk. “It’s more comfortable, and you’ll need the rest.”

“So do you,” Bucky grins, tugging her between his legs after he sits.

“I’m not an invalid, honey,” She teases.

“Not at all, just my best wife and best girl, who is-“

Ana gasps abruptly, a sense of chaotic energy pulling at her chest again. Bucky’s hands firmly hold her steady by her hips. The moment passes quickly. Twice within the spa of ten minutes.

“I’m okay,” She reassures once she sees the panic in his eyes.

“If you’re going to feel this the entire time, Ana,” Bucky begins reluctantly, “maybe you should stay in the apartment and-“

“No, absolutely not.”

“Annie-“

“James.” Ana snips, giving him a glare. Bucky’s mouths snaps shut, but the corners pull up just a tad. “You refuse to allow me to fight, even though you know I will be more protected than anyone with the rings. I won’t be on the battlefield, this is as close to you as I can get.”

“I just…I know you’re angry about it, but I can’t just let you go, not with this threat and with your-“

Ana cuts him off by sharply tugging his hair. He pouts.

“Worth a try?” He shrugs, offering her a sheepish grin. “Even with your stubbornness?”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Snowflake.”

Suddenly the teasing mood is gone as they continue to hold each other’s gazes. Ana carefully runs her fingers through Bucky’s soft hair, watches as his lashes flutter from her touch. He keeps his hands on her hips, fingers sneaking under her shirt to rub soothing circles over her navel and hipbones.

Neither of them knows how much time passes. A sense of urgency settles over the room, but they ignore it, or try to. Ana can feel the prickle of Bucky’s nerves beginning to break through; can practically hear his thoughts and worry. His fear, and she knows, it isn’t fear for himself. It’s fear of something reaching her in the Lab. All the surrounding voices fade into background noise as Ana inhales slowly.

She hugs Bucky close to her, his forehead pressed to her stomach, just between her ribs. His grip is tight, the only visible sign of anxiety coming from him. Internally, she feels different whirls of emotions with each passing second. Ana is almost sick to her stomach because she doesn’t have a good inkling about this. Between everyone in the room, the darkening threat, and Bucky trying to hold back but failing. She tightens her arm around his shoulders, the hand that was brushing his hair slips to the back of his head.

With a tiny defeated sigh Bucky releases, Ana finally gives in. She slowly morphs his energy around, hoping to at least find an ounce of courage and positivity in herself and convey it to her husband. The thing is, she is on the brink of her own anxiety attack because it just fully hit her.

Bucky is about to go off to fight another war. She knows how long he’s just wanted peace and happiness; after all the shit he has been through. He just wants to manage their little farm and play with the goats, Cat, the children, for the rest of his life, and now. Now it’s shattered. His peaceful, blissful life- their peaceful, blissful life- is shattered.

Bucky’s fingers dig into her hips as he shifts his head to peer up at her. His beautiful blue eyes narrow at her dubiously. She meets his glare, quirking an eyebrow. He straightens up, now level with her chest, snaking his hand from her hip up to her side, until his palm is resting directly over her heart.

“I told you not to do that, Annie,” Bucky murmurs, his breath causing goosebumps along her skin. “You shouldn’t be wasting your own energy.”

“Shhh, let me do this for you,” She whispers, moving her hands to cup his cheeks. “Please.”

He nods in submission, bringing his hands up to catch hers and thumbing over the rings. “Turns these on the second I leave.”

Ana goes to respond, but the same feeling she’s been getting shoots through her chest and up her spine again. It’s stronger this time. As if her body can feel them getting closer. Her stomach rolls, her body tenses, Bucky pulls her tighter to him.

“You can feel them.” Bucky states quietly.

Ana shuts her eyes, and nods.

“Buck,” Steve’s voice breaks their little bubble. “It’s time.”

They both glance over at him, a hint of guilt gleaming in Steve’s eyes. Bucky nods as Ana bites her lip. When they meet each other’s gazes once more, a split moment passes before Ana dips her head down the same time Bucky leans up. Their lips connect firmly, her fingers gripping the roots of his hair. It tastes like a goodbye and she loathes it. It feels final, and despite knowing how dangerous this fight is going to be, she refuses to see it as a farewell.

Abruptly, Bucky slides off the table, standing to his full height, never breaking their kiss. Ana just follows his lips, her hands dropping to hug around his shoulders. He presses his thumbs into the sides of her stomach as his hands pull her even closer. A soft, gentle tongue swipes across her bottom lip, opening her mouth slightly to taste him, before they break apart.

“Is this what going off to war feels like?” Ana mutters shakily against his lips. Her heart clenches.

She hears Bucky’s breath stutters in his chest. His hand comes up to cup her jaw. “This feels worse.” There’s a short pause. “Real?”

Ana huffs. “Yes. You are. Unfortunately, this situation is too.”

“I just feel you, Annie.”

The tenderness of Bucky’s voice makes tears sting in her eyes. She swallows the thickening lump forming in her throat. She squeezes his shoulders, hoping he can carry the weight of her fingers with him.

“Always feel you,” Ana murmurs back.

“Guys, I’m so sorry, but we gotta get moving,” A reluctant Steve urges.

“One more minute,” Bucky replies, keeping his eyes locked on Ana’s.

She sees them shift back and forth, and she know he’s counting the dots again. Ana moves her hands, holding his face between them.

“You be careful, Snowflake,” She commands lowly. “I mean, it. Run if you need to. I’m safe here, don’t get distracted,” She kisses him briefly. “You come back to me. Got it?”

“I swear to you,” Bucky tells her with such conviction, she has no doubt. “I love you.”

Ana blinks, her vision beginning to blur with tears. “I love you, Bucky.”

They share another tender kiss, then Bucky steps away from her; his eyes look like it pains him to do so. His fingers trail down her jaw, her neck, over her pounding heart, down her stomach and hip. He takes her hand, squeezes three times, and then he’s turning, walking towards the landing dock.

Ana turns her back, not being able to watch him go; because she can’t. She’s ready to help Shuri with Vision in any way she can, but Steve is standing in her way. She opens her mouth to say something, but the gentle yet amused look in his eye halts her. She frowns, until he nods his head up.

Before she can fully turn, strong arms wrap around her, and a searing kiss is pressed firmly against her mouth. Bucky dips her back, fully supporting her weight in his strong arms. Ana can’t help but smile at his dramatics, though it makes her heart flutter and her stomach curl with heat. She grips his shoulders, fingers digging into flesh and metal and cloth.

“You’re ridiculous,” She chuckles against his mouth.

Bucky hums, slowly straightening them again. “For you, doll face. Always for you.”

Then he’s leaving again, but he’s throwing a wink over his shoulder. Ana smiles brightly until he turns his face forward, then her smile drops, as does her heart. She really doesn’t have a good feeling, and with each passing minute, the energy surrounding them grows worse.

She feels a firm, comforting hand squeezing her shoulder. It’s a brief gesture, a silent goodbye as Steve moves to walk past her. Suddenly, she jerks her hand out, grabbing his hand and halting his steps. Her eyes are still on Bucky’s retreating back.

“Steve,” Ana whispers, trying to tamper the quiver in her voice. Her eyes slide over to his stoic face. “Bring my husband back to me.”

Steve faces her, gripping her hand tight. “I swear to you, I will.”

Then he pulls her into a hug, and she hasn’t had someone who has felt like a brother in so long, but Steve has become just that. Her brother. And it’s not just her husband that’s walking off to fight against these aliens, to save the world. It’s her entire family.

It’s Steve who had became her rock for ten, long lonely and heartbreaking months. It’s Sam and Natasha. It’s Bruce who she hasn’t seen in nearly two years. It’s T’Challa and Okoye and M’Baku, people who have accepted her and Bucky into their humble home. It’s Wanda, who was forced to grow up so fast, and is now still fighting to protect the one she loves.

 It’s Vision willingness to sacrifice himself if the time comes. It’s Shuri who is doing everything in her power to help him. It’s Tony, who she hasn’t heard from, but she knows. Part of the feeling she has, is because he’s out there putting his life on the line.

They all are.

“Stay safe, Steve,” Ana tells him against the patch with the missing star on his suit.

“You too,” He responds lowly.

Steve releases her then, sharing one last look before he follows after Bucky.

Ana inhales deeply, pressing her hand to chest as if she can feel Bucky’s heartbeat within her. Then, she turns to assist Shuri, ignoring the prickling of energy warning her.

*******************************************************************

Drabbles: Seventeen    Drabbles: Nineteen

Tags: @thecreatiivecorner @kat-lives @stressedasalways @watchoutforfrostbite @justreadingfics @keldachick @fics-i-read

A/N: I am possibly taking a short hiatus for the rest of march. I suddenly lost a co-worker, someone I became quick friends with. My mom is have a major surgery in two weeks as well. So, March will be a tough time. Please be patient with me as I update these Drabbles and my other fics. Thank you guys for being amazing and reading my stuff <3 <3 <3

[wonderlandmind4]

Delicate Stages: Chp 8

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x OFC Ana Rios

Summary: Bucky Barnes agrees to participate in Deprogramming Sessions. What he gets is not anything like he expected.

Warnings: Language, mentions of anxiety/panic attacks, mild PTSD. Self doubt/loathing. an over use of coffee consumption

Words: 2.8k+

A/N: it’s 2:30am when I edited this..also, we are all Ana. Just saying. Enjoy :) @justreadingfics @nerdyandproud9​

Despite the talking sessions, Ana doing everything she can to coach Bucky through it, she still sees his self doubt like it’s tattooed on his skin. She notices the signs whenever he begins to fall into a self loathing spiral. It dampens the blue of his eyes, ashens his smile, always tucking his left arm closer to his body, the metal plates clicking to lock against his side. Ana sees it all, and she can never help her heart aching for him. There are times when Bucky sits on her right, arms brushing once in a while, when he abruptly leans away, his arm glued to his side.

Ana doesn't comment on it. Instead, she continues to focus on redirecting Bucky's anxiety onto other things. She pulls out a few blank notebooks and a coloring book, which earns her a bewildered look from Bucky. Once she explains that coloring can help focus the mind, they end up coloring half of the book. All the while Ana ignores the glances being thrown her way from the guards, and Agents surrounding them.

They're getting antsy, impatient, though Ana refuses to start the first step into the Deprogramming. Not until Bucky is confident enough he can get through it without a panic attack. Earning an ounce of his trust took more than a few days. Earning half of it took more than a few weeks. She will do it when he's ready.

Two days later, Bucky has a bad day. He informs Ana of his vivid nightmare, how it took nearly an hour to calm himself down. How it took an hour for him to decipher what was real in front of him, and not haunting the shadows of his brain. Ana advises the next time it happens, he is welcomed to find her for she is always willing to talk him through it anytime. She doesn't miss the way Bucky grips is left forearm with his right hand, keeping it close to his ribs.

It's how they end up on the roof again, quickly becoming their secluded spot the past few days and nights. In the observation lab, there are an abundance of people mulling about, doing their work tasks. There are guards who pretend they aren't keenly watching Bucky. Who pretend they aren't ready to pull their guns and shoot him if need be. She hates that.

Here, on the roof, it's just them. Their own peaceful little haven. Confessions can be made here, emotions can be shown, secrets can be uttered without being overheard. They are alone up here, and Bucky seems to open up just a tad more about the demons that haunt him at night.

"I think that's why I can't figure out what's real or not, because...I remember." Bucky ends up admitting as they lay on the floor.

Ana quietly observes him. He turns his face towards the night sky, hiding his expression like he's ashamed of his next words. His lips tremble briefly as the air thickens between them. Ana frowns.

“At least, in my dreams, I remember it. Subconsciously." He continues softly. "It was like I was trapped in this unbreakable glass box, helplessly watching. Do you have any idea what it's like to have no control over your body, over your own mind. Locked away so deeply, your screams can’t even reach the surface. You’re only somewhat aware of it, so at night, you lay there, wondering if it was all just a dream. Or if it wasn’t, and you’re left with knowing of the horrific things you’ve done.”

Bucky shoves his hands through his hair, briefly gripping the roots. “It doesn’t really matter in the end, because it was all me. I did it all. Do you have any idea what it's like for those memories to consume you, and when morning comes, you aren’t sure if you just woke from a nightmare, or stayed awake to relive it all. If it was real the whole time.”

A self-deprecating ghost of a chuckle emits from his mouth. A bitter, sad noise that shouldn't be leaving his lips. Ana spots a tear escaping the corner of his eye, racing down his temple and soaking into his long dark hair. Her fingers itch to wipe it away, but if she touches Bucky now, with how vulnerable he is, it could make or break the heavy energy surrounding them. 

Ana is considered an emotional and psychological Healer, an Energy Alchemist; it doesn't mean she likes having to use her so called gift. She rarely does so outside of helping the Avengers. However, maybe if she reaches out, she could understand Bucky a little better. Maybe it can help in the healing process. Ana knows it's time to tell him. She just hopes he won't be angry for keeping it from him for a month.

"No, I don’t." She tells him softly, answering his rhetorical questions. "But I can. If you want me to."

Bucky turns his head to face her, eyes glistening in the soft orange light of the roof. "What?"

"I'm uh- something called an Empathetic Healer." Ana confesses nervously, rubbing her collarbone. "Also an Energy Alchemist, according to everyone around here. I just tamper it down, quite a bit actually. But if I wanted to, I can feel peoples emotions. I can sense the energy surrounding them, can transmute- morph-  negative energy into positive energy, if you will. I just prefer not to do it often. Touch people with it, I mean, unless directly requested."

If Bucky is angry or upset about keeping this major part of herself a secret, he doesn't show it. Those sky blue eyes unreadable. His eyebrows twitch together. 

"You manipulate peoples emotions and feelings."

It's not a question. It's a statement, one that needs to be corrected quickly, before Bucky misunderstands and takes it the wrong way. If he hasn't already. Ana shifts, leaning up on her elbows to look down at him. She vigorously shakes her head.

"Not at all!" She clarifies firmly. "I can't manipulate emotions or feelings. That is completely different. I don’t- I can’t control them and if I could, I would never do that to anyone. Especially you. Alright? Plus that's against people's rights and free will and a total invasion of privacy and that's absolutely horrible. Even if I could, I wouldn't, you know? That is not not me, not my protocol."

"Rambling seems to be." Bucky quips.

It takes a second for his words to sink in, all the while noticing the mischievous gleam in his eyes. Ana narrows her own, tugs at a strand of his hair before falling on her back again.

"You're a dick." She huffs while Bucky chuckles. "You scared me for a moment. I thought I really upset you."

"I'm sorry. I figured you had something else special about you though." Bucky responds, but that little chuckle is still coloring his voice. "Continue."

"I should just leave you out here. I hope it rains." The inky sky is clear of all clouds. She makes to sit up, a hand on her jacket pulls her back down.

"Stay, please." 

It falls silent after that, a nice peace between them. The moon is directly above them, high in the sky, a faint halo of light surrounding it. Ana is trying to ignore how close Bucky's right hand is to her left. Can practically feel the heat radiating off his skin. 

Ana attempts to keep it at bay, but the weighted energy between them is prickling at her skin. It's like it woke up the moment she confessed about it. She tries to just focus on the moon and the twinkling stars, instead of her heart rate kicking up a notch. It's Bucky who breaks the silence.

"I wouldn't mind if you wanted to." He begins, voice soft and reserved. "Though I'm not sure you should. These are the horrible, terrifying feelings."

"Then I won't."

"Maybe another time."

"Okay."

A beat passes. "Ana."

Ana turns her head towards him. Bucky appears...open. His expression clear of any haunted memories for the moment. His eyes are wide and trusting, and so so blue. It's ridiculous how they look like sapphires shinning against the bright light of the moon. He licks his lips and Ana can't help but track the movement, especially when his breath shudders.

"Bucky."

"I think I want you too. Before you ask, yes. I'm sure."

Ana sits up again, wiggles around until she's facing him as he follows. She blows out a breath, and ruffles her hand through her hair. Because laying on the hard wood flooring of the roof does wonders for knots. Before she can ask, Bucky holds his hand out, palm open and waiting.

"You won't feel anything, in case you were wondering. It doesn't amp up current emotions." Ana elaborates. "If I wanted to change your energy around from negative to positive, that's the only thing you'll feel. Be it bad or good or a sense of calm. I take on everything else. It helps me relate better to someone."

Bucky acknowledges the information with a dip of his chin. Allowing her eyes to shut, Ana mentally pulls down her walls where she usually blocks her gift, and feels energy rush through her veins. She gently places her hand in Bucky's, his skin a little calloused, but warm and somehow still soft. Nothing happens for a few moments, just the sound of their breathing throughout the night air.

Abruptly, a surge of emotions come crashing through her body, makes Ana gasp audibly. Her body immediately begins to tremble, wave after wave of chaotic emotions crash over her, but she doesn't pull away. She can feel Bucky tighten his fingers around her hand, as if he's trying to comfort her, because it's not enough for him to feel this everyday, he has to comfort her as well. She can't see any of his memories from the pass decades, but she starts to feel it all. Every single emotion.

Fear. Hurt. Anger. Relief. Pain. Confusion. Sadness. Torment. Hatred. Heartbreak. Fear, pain, anger, confusion. Fear, pain, anger, confusion. Torture. Fear, pain, anger, confusion. Loneliness. It all whirls around inside her heart in an anarchic flurry. It's nearly crippling, seizing around her heart, ensnaring her brain, attacking her soul.

"Enough!"

A hand is ripped away from hers and Ana's automatically press both of hers to her chest. Attempts to calm the storm that rages inside her. She's panting, just trying to steady her breathing. That was quite a lot to take in after keeping her gift dormant for a while. Usually, she just uses her energy alchemy to help Wanda after her nightmares of her brother, but this- this was too much too soon.

"Turn it off, Ana!"

She hears Bucky, but it takes five slow, deep breaths to do so. She nods her head to let him know it won't happen again. Ana slowly opens her eyes, finds Bucky extremely close to her face, concerned eyes searching her own. Exhaustion assaults her body, her eyes flutter in a fight to keep them open.

"I'm good." Ana assures him breathlessly.

Bucky frowns, moving his lips as if he wants to tisk at her. Instead, he brings both hands up to her face, gently cupping her cheeks, and she is way too fucking exhausted to figure out what that means. He swipes both his thumbs beneath her eyes, wet trails smearing across her skin.

"Is that why you're crying?" Bucky asks softly. He swipes his thumbs again. “Maybe that was a bad idea."

Ana attempts to move her head. The cool metal of his left hand feels good against her skin, but so does the warmth of his right hand. It's a rather serene contraindication. Bucky is a contraindication in many ways. It's getting harder to keep her eyes focused on his, blue, blue, so blue eyes. Some strands of his hair have fallen over his eye. Ana finds that rather rude of them to obscure her view. 

So she lifts her hand and slowly pushes the long hair away from his face, her fingers running deeper. Ana brushes his hair back until her fingers follow the curve of his ear. Trails her touch down his neck, over his racing pulse, his slightly exposed collarbone, to the middle of his chest. Thinks that this might be her favorite spot on his chest, where she can feel this raw tortured yet gentle heart of this man yearning to be redeemed. She leans forward slightly, his hands still holding her face. She's too tired to pick up on the little hitch in Bucky's breath, and the quickened beat of his heart.

"I am so sorry, Bucky." Ana murmurs, another tear races down her cheek. "I am going to help you, because that's what friends do. I will help you." 

And that's what was missing in all of his emotions. Friendship, family, comfort, trust, love. A sense of belonging. Acceptance.

"I know you will, darling." He whispers back. "I really shouldn't have let you do that." 

Ana shrugs one shoulder causing Bucky to laugh lowly. She can feel it rumble in his chest beneath her palm.

"Let's get you to bed." He finally drops his hands from her face, using them to stand. 

Bucky reaches down to pull her up. Ana stumbles, not sure if she can make it down the stairs to her room. Her own energy completely drained, a side affected to her ability. She leans her body on Bucky's for support, her head swimming, vision blurry. Stairs will literally be the death of her, she can barely stay awake at this point. Maybe it was a bad idea. She doesn't understand what is really happening anymore, just that she feels like she's floating and a low drawl of a voice is seeping into her veins. She can't fight the pulls of sleep any longer.

***

When Ana wakes, an unusual tiredness aches throughout her body. It's expected after her little show last night. She rubs her eyes, massages her temples while yawning, then makes herself get out of bed. Her trek to her bathroom is ungraceful, regaining her foots before she gets in the shower. The steaming water is a welcoming sting on her stings, helps pull herself together, because if she doesn’t, she can be very empathetically clingy if she isn't careful. Ana can read and feel people's energy, but that usually leaves herself open and vulnerable in the aftermath. 

Once she reaches the main floor of the facility department, greeting everyone she sees along her way, including Max with a hug, she spots something sitting at her desk. She begins to smile before the smell even hits her nose. Ana picks up the large cup of coffee, inhaling the strong aroma before cautiously taking a sip. It's of drinkable temperature, and she nearly moans at the comforting roasted taste.

"Strong." Ana mumbles against the rim of the mug.

"And blacker than my soul." Bucky quips from right behind her.

Ana snorts against the mug, and nudges his elbow once he's standing next to her. "You're ridiculous. Thank you."

"Take it as a lame apology for last night." He hops up on the desk, gently nudging her shin with his boot.

She waves her hand as a response to forget it, since she offered in the first place. She takes a rather slow, long sip, watching as Bucky smiles, then occupies himself by starting the breathing techniques. He appears well rest despite the emotions of last night. His rich brown hair is pushed out of his eyes, falling more to the left today than usual. The scruff covering his face from his plump upper lip to his neck is becoming a little more thick, it's definitely working well for him. It also doesn't hide his strong jawline. 

Ana is distracted by the rise and fall of his toned, broad chest, muscles defined slightly under his gray henley shirt. The first four buttons are undone and she cannot tell if he did that on purpose or just doesn't care, but Ana appreciates it.

She's abruptly hit with just how attractive Bucky really is. Not that she didn't notice that on the first day they met, but it rises up stronger this morning, smacking her in the face. He is handsome, rugged, soft and hard like the contraindication he is and- this is completely, utterly inappropriate. Ana blames the effects of last night, although, maybe that's not entirely true; maybe something else shifted between them on the roof.

She swallows a big sip of coffee and goes for another one. That's when Bucky decides to stretch his arms above his head, his shirt riding up enough to reveal a sliver of skin, just a hint of lower abs, and the beginning cut of his Adonis belt. Very appropriately named. 

Ana's eyes drop without her control, watching as he leans back to arch his back, arms in the air. His legs spread wider, thigh muscles flexing thickly, hooking his calves under the table. Ana stares as he arches his back again, eyes dropping back down his stomach, exposed skin above his sweatpants, and lower to follow the line of his-

Ana sputters against her mug, pulling it away and coughing out the coffee she inhaled into her airway. She waves at Bucky, signalling that she's fine, since he stopped stretching. She informs him once her coughing has stopped, that she loves coffee so much she decided to literally breath it in.

"Told you it’s unhealthy." Bucky tells her smugly, crossing his arms. It makes his peck muscles bulge a little. His biceps are ridiculously defined.

Ana lets the remark pass, because that was not the reason why she suddenly choked. Empathizing was a bad idea.

*********************

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