#especially how this is ALSO a recontextualization of a memory

[bar-guest]

There is something about changing "Memory is a monster." to "Memory is the monster." that makes me incredibly sane*

*chewing the carpet, crying blood

[thumpypuppy]

hey can you talk about I WON’T LET YOU GO HOME from ISAT and how you went about making it? It is so good. me and friends really like it. thank you in advance if so! the game is so good and your soundtrack has played a key role in making it literally life changing.

Lindar here!

Thank you SO MUCH for the kind words.

Firstly, I have to give credit to InsertDisc5 who gave incredible direction and has been to date one of the best people I've worked with.

So let's start from the beginning: We establish a specific instrumental tone with the pseudo-chiptune synth we've heard a lot, especially in the title theme. This was created using NI Massive, which was one of the most heavily used synths in the OST. We're doing kind of a basic heavy metal riff here, but making it chiptune-y.

Next we fade in for the first and only time in the soundtrack a SNES strings pad to fill out the chord structure and provide additional melodic content.

Then of course for our more intense moments we roll out Toontrack Superior Drummer 2 + Metal Foundry, featuring the amazing drumming styles of the one and only Sandra Baker. I think she went absolutely ham to contrast with how simple the first section is.

So next we hit our stride and establish what the piece is really saying. The drums simplify a bit to leave room for the melody, and then we hit a "drop" of sorts into the next section.

Now we're rocking to a reprise of the title theme in a more major tone, but it's feeling less hopeful and more like a longing attachment to memories of the past.

In the second half of the title theme we run a reprise of the death/loss theme as a counter-melody while also introducing a new little motif stab underneath. We hear it in the strings as sort of the response to a call that hasn't actually been made, and then it's repeated in the bass, and finally the whole band states it all at once as we move into the next section.

Again we're stating the title theme, but this time in a different mode with a gliding, reverby, monophonic lead that feels like it's floating. Each phrase keeps rising in intensity, desperately reaching for that memory.

Finally after all of that wildly changing energy and anxiety ramping up we hit a breakdown featuring probably some of the best orchestral composition I've managed thus far (not to toot my own horn). I was really shooting for "pained" as the sound of this section. Half-time feel drums where we're so incredibly out of energy, but no! The drums pick up into double-time as we desperately reach out for comfort!

I gotta say Sandra went absolutely wild with the blastbeat snare while still doing a half-time feel. Like it feels like there's so much tension even while we're winding down to the end of the piece, floating in a place where we keep moving towards hope but always resolving on the minor. We have a lot of movement here through different keys and modes that continually give us a feeling of moving forward while always returning to the feeling of loss.

Finally, for the album version, we cap the ending with a slow restatement of the beginning of the piece for piano and violin (I don't remember the specific piano I used here but it wasn't the Spitfire Labs muted piano for once, and the violin is from Spitfire's Sacconi Quartet).

As far as an in-depth musical analysis goes, I'd have to open the session again to get really specific with what I did on a theory level because it's been like a year or more since I wrote it, and my computer's primary hard drive died (luckily I have all my sessions on a different drive), so I'm spending the weekend reinstalling everything.

I think the crux of this piece in particular is that, while there is new melodic content that explains the emotional context of the scene, we still rely on the recontextualization of leitmotifs for added effect. I'm not sure if it makes me lazy or a genius, but it's something I leaned into heavily.

It's like…

Step 1: Someone is crying. Their friend tries to cheer them up. Play something kinda sad and a little bittersweet.

Step 2: Play that same melody in a different situation but slightly different to be totally appropriate while also calling back to the original event.

Step 3: Make it into a major-key power metal song because you're winning with the power of your friends caring about your feelings.

Humans are pattern-recognition machines. It works with motifs, it works with specific instrumentation, it works with pretty much anything. Make an aesthetic choice about your instrumentation, utilize it, and punch people in the feels.

As soon as the studio is back up and running I'll see if I can't add on to this with an actual theory analysis, and meanwhile I'm gearing up to start doing classes on mixing and sound design, so look out for that as well!

Thank you again for your ask!

[thatringboy]

A Body Built for an Undeserving Soul, A Boothill Theory

My definitely sober thoughts while grinding for the eventual Ruan Mei rerun and writing some robinhill have led me to a startling train of thought. I’ll do my best to sound sane as I say this, but the 18 minute discord voice memo I originally made is definitely anything but. Spoilers for Boothill’s backstory, character stories, and other lore, and no I’m not really gonna be citing things because it’s 3 in the morning and I’m high. If at any point I say something that isn’t really supported by canon, please be nice i’m a little silly boy

Anyways

I don’t think Boothill is a Pathstrider.

Let me cook, please. Here’s my reasons why:

The way he talks about Aeons and Paths

The way his body is designed

And 3.

Enjoy the madness below the cut

So, there’s not really a proper way to word any of this without it being an ADHD word vomit. Bear with me. Please.

Penacony has been a fantastic update for those of us waiting for worldbuilding. We’ve learned a LOT about the many factions in the cosmos, the true nature of the IPC, the powers of the Aeons, and that the Paths are tangible things in the universe. The Luofu arc opened up a bit about this, but since it was so focused on The Hunt and The Abundance and The Permanence, we sort of fell back into the same story beats as the Herta Station arc. Either way, Penacony has been amazing for little lore bugs like me.

So what does this have to do with the wild claim that Boothill somehow isn’t a Pathstrider?

Let’s touch some grass for a minute and consider our places in the irl universe. Hi, I’m Perseus, a young transmasculine white adult guy from South Texas who grew up reading too many Rick Riordan books and now has a complicated relationship with both the christian god and the greek gods. It’s an autism special interest of mine to learn about the greek pantheon and while I don’t know everything about it, I’m a silly little guy and can recite fun facts about dozens of gods. I can also recite fun facts about the christian bible and christian mythology because I was forced to study christianity when I was younger. Nice to meet y’all. Now, when I, Perseus, talk to people about the various religions I know a thing or two about, I infodump. A lot. I think I once ranted about Dionysus for 20 minutes before my sister told me to shut up. It happens.

Now focus back in on the important topic: the fictional cyborg with jiggle physics. I’m working purely on memory, but I’m pretty sure when he first meets Dan Heng and Pom-Pom, he does go on a spiel about the Aeons and Paths as he tries to prove his identity as a Galaxy Ranger and Acheron’s identity as Not a Galaxy Ranger. The way he describes The Hunt, The Nihility, Emanators, and Paths, it all just sounded… i don’t know, canned? It came across as very emotionally disconnected, even as he talked about The Hunt, but he was saying all the right words. Like someone who studied a religion but isn’t actually a part of the religion. 

On its own, this means absolutely nothing besides just reminding us of his home planet’s hostile takeover by Qlipoth-worshiping IPC workers. If you haven’t seen the post yet, I really recommend reading the So, Honkai: Star Rail made a cyborg cowboy... an INDIGENOUS cyborg cowboy. post by @ahworm I’ll link it here, please check it out because it recontextualized a lot of how I viewed Boothill’s actions and mannerisms

So the way Boothill talks about the Path he should be a Pathstrider of sounds more like an encyclopedia than a follower. Now, maybe this can be explained by the fact that Galaxy Rangers aren’t the most zealous bunch, especially when standing next to the Xianzhou Alliance who worship Lan as a deity more than The Hunt itself. The Galaxy rangers are the opposite, they are hunters first and last regardless of what Lan in THEIR “greatness” does.

But if Boothill is just a normal Galaxy ranger (whatever that means), then how does he recognize the Jade Abacus of Allying Oath instantaneously? Dan Heng’s barely put the damn thing on the table and Boothill’s already jaw on the floor amazed. One could make the argument that, well, Boothill’s a well-traveled guy, of course he’d know the most valuable artifact to his Path. To that, I say: there’s more to it.

Boothill’s main accusation against Acheron in the beginning is, what? “An Emanator that shouldn’t exist.” He talks about The Nihility and Device IX the same way he talks about The Hunt; learned and detached in an agnostic way. He’s aware these are real concepts and beings, he’s crossed paths with an Emanator of Elation before so he can’t deny the existence of literal gods in the universe

We also know that it’s canon in the star rail universe that there are planets who haven’t heard of the Aeons before, like Sigonia - Aventurine’s planet. Instead of Aeons, we know the Avgins worshiped the goddess Giathra Triclops. I’ve seen the argument that Giathra is just another name for Xipe since THEY have three faces, but Aventurine’s flashbacks are very clear in showing that the worship of Giathra was very different from the worship of Aeons. We don’t know much about Aeragan-Epharshel, but from how the IPC described the indigenous people as needing civilization and other disgusting things (not to mention how they forced a synesthesia beacon into boothill when he was maybe like a teenager? And then his brain nearly broke from the influx of information?), I think it’s safe to say that the tribes of Aeragan-Epharshel also didn’t follow any specific Aeon.

But Aventurine is now a Pathstrider of Preservation, so why can’t Boothill be a Hunter Pathstrider too? Well, dear reader, allow me to bash my head against the wall trying to form words. Aventurine doesn’t believe anything about the sovereignty of The Preservation, just like the rest of the Stonehearts. He has his agenda, and if he has to play Preservation to do so, then he will. I think Boothill is the same, which is also why I can’t wait to see what happens in the upcoming quests with the two of them in the same room. That being said, Aventurine’s Preservation powers only come from his Cornerstone, crafted by an Emanator of Preservation. It’s how he and Topaz and Jade can all be such different people but all be classified as Pathstriders of Preservation, the sheer proximity to an Emanator’s powers canonically give them powers equivalent to actual Pathstriders.

So… what about Boothil? This leads me into my next point: Boothill’s cyborg body. By looking at his Character Story Part 3, we learn that Boothill VOLUNTARILY became a cyborg to become stronger. He literally shed the skin and name from an ancient, dead tongue to become a real loaded gun. His voice lines in combat talk about death a lot, his name literally is in reference to a graveyard - this man cannot wait to finally die in some sort of blaze of glory and vengeance. I say that with a little bit of sarcasm, but Boothill designed his body to be a weapon. 

In a lot of parts of the USA, it’s illegal to even insinuate that you have a firearm as that constitutes as the crime of  “armed robbery”, even if you don’t even have a gun. The threat alone is enough to warrant a higher penalty. But Boothill is already a great shot with a gun, why does he also need augmented teeth and crosshair eyes and hips that can fold his body into any sinful shape he needs? Because the threat alone is enough to give him power over his prey. Almost as if he’s compensating for a lack of magic godly powers. He needs to be able to keep up with even the strongest IPC goons, to pierce their Preservation shields with his bullets so that he can get closer and closer to Oswaldo Schneider.

But how can I prove that Boothill doesn’t have any Path magic? Well, let’s take a spin around his character model. What’s that thing sitting snugly against his exposed asscheek? His pistol? But that’s not weird, Perseus, most cowboys hold their guns there!

But what other playable character has their weapon on their actual model like him?

There are so many in-game cutscenes showing that, canonically, the Pathstriders summon their weapon from some sort of unseen storage or hammerspace. I like the term hammerspace, let’s use that. The playable Pathstriders all use hammerspace to easily summon their weapons. None of them actually carry their weapons on their model. Even Welt Yang has scenes of him summoning his herrscher cane (I’ve never played hi3 please forgive me for using incorrect terms) from his hammerspace. But not Boothill. He has his arm gun and he has his trusty 9 millimeter pistol on his little slutty hip. His idle animations involve reloading his weapons and putting them back on his person. No particle effects, no vanishing tricks, just a man sticking his tongue out to catch a bullet for a snack.

So what have we learned?

Boothill doesn’t have an emotional connection to his Path, it most likely is just the Path he figured met his needs and decided the philosophy was good enough

Boothill’s body is designed to perform specifically to kill Pathstriders, especially sturdier Pathstriders of The Preservation

Boothill either can’t or won’t use the same hammerspace the other canonical Pathstriders use

Each point by themself means nothing, or can be chalked up to unique character designs. But together? My intoxicated mind theorizes that Boothill is not a Pathstrider, merely a broken man trying to play the game according to the rules of the oppressors that colonized his planet and bombed his tribe into reservations and the dirt. Thank you for your time.

[the5n00k]

An observation about TGAMM The End

Big big spoilers ahead, click away if you aren't caught up

This is also my first NEGATIVE TGAMM analysis post! Wowie! So if you don't want to see me bitch, also click off now

The End and how Molly McGee's character was disrespected

The End is. An episode. I have many MANY thoughts about it but it would be far too long to put in one post so I'm going to explore one of my more reoccurring opinions. This episode recontextualized a lot of things but I'm going to talk about how it recontextualized Molly as a character. Most importantly as a MAIN character. A TITLE character. A character with her own past and personality and feelings. All of which this episode completely stomped all over, handed her the check, and said "figure it out"

I want to apologize to my friend who called this so SO much earlier into the series and that he had to listen to me watch this show on lethal amounts of copium. You were right but I knew neither of us wanted you to be.

Now let's get into the meat of it, shall we?

All throughout season 1, Molly's history and relationship with the concept of friends is always treated with complete sincerity and the emotional pause it needs to sink in with the audience that she's been through it. Moving away and leaving friends is why she put so much importance on the "forever home" in the first place because she's had to leave so many people she loved. She had a rocky beginning with Scratch during the early season but quickly became on equal footing with him as they began to understand each other and their boundaries. Because she genuinely cares about him. Similarly, season 2 explores the boundaries of their friendship and shows Scratch more willing to participate in whatever Molly is doing, even begging sometimes to be included. And Molly is very patient and kind with him all throughout trying to help him regain memories of his past. And Scratch actually reciprocated a few times like helping her learn Thai and working with Libby to set her up with Ollie. They're the closest they've ever been and something I can confidently call true best friends, possibly the closest and healthiest friendship I've seen portrayed in media. Season 2 showcases how far either of them are willing to go to help each other.

Then The End happened.

Molly is the same understanding and supportive friend as she had been all season, almost to a fault. She encourages scratch to go back to his life, knowing the risks that come with it. Why did there need to be the risk of forgetting her when his spirit didn't immediately forget his living life? Don't know. Something to do with an unreleased episode although I doubt the rest of season 3 would have sweetened my opinion of this episode. Only she knew he was about to do this, she didn't talk to any of his other friends or family before he went out to Todd's house. They only found out after the fact and the next morning is when he left. None of them had any time to process that they just lost a family member, especially not Molly.

The scene where he's talking to her on the bench breaks my heart. Knowing your friend is no longer there and is replaced with this stranger. So much of this episode would have been fixed to just let him keep his memories. Considering how hard it was to pull his living memories out of his spirit, it's very likely that even the small fragments of her he remembers will slowly fade away. She had to do the one thing she never wanted to do again and repeat the same pain that's plagued her for the entire series. And it sucks! Why doesn't she get a happy ending? Hell, I'm not even convinced this was a "happy ending" for scratch since he can't remember any of the people he just spent the last two years with.

The biggest slap to the face is when Libby, Geoff, and the McGees come up behind Molly and just act like all of this is fine? They're treating scratch like this wild animal that deserved to be released into the wild because he could never fit in with society when he was PERFECTLY HAPPY with the McGees. He proudly displayed to the entire ghost world that he was an "honorary McGee" and told a ghost hunter to his face that him and Molly would do anything for each other despite their differences. Was all of that completely pointless? Because it sure feels that way. He had this entire new "life" he just completely abandoned because oh I guess I'm not really dead. Guess I better go reconnect with my childhood friend I haven't seen in person or had any meaningful conversations with in decades!!! See ya, chumps, hope you weren't attached to me or anything!

It's so disrespectful to the audience's investment in Molly and Scratch's friendship, the themes of friendship overcoming all odds and lasting forever, and Molly as a character. And to a lesser degree, it's even disrespectful to Scratch since most of the season he spent brooding over the fact that he didn't remember his past! Now he's forgotten a large portion of his "life" all over again. Now he's going to have to live with this nagging itch at the back of his mind that he's forgetting something until he manages to completely repress it too. And to rub salt in the wound, the credits don't have near sight nor mention of Molly McGee outside of a painted portrait of her and (spirit) scratch. All this does is tell me a LONG time has passed and neither of them have managed to successfully contact each other. The dream team is gone, this is a story about a girl and a ghost and none of it meant anything.

"he'll remember when he dies again!" Where does it say that

"he didn't forget, he said Moll! That means something!" The longer he spends away from the McGees and Brighton, the more likely he is to completely forget them altogether. The vague memories will eventually fade away and every "forever memory" will be worthless.

"it doesn't matter, this is Scratch's story" then why isn't it called 'scratch and the human girl'? Or 'the scratch show'? Why is Molly a title character if she's nothing but a plot device for his character development.

"Molly had to learn how to say goodbye." No she didn't. She's been doing that her entire life. She's pretty well aware of how to say goodbye. Making her relive 13 years of trauma from the other side of the vehicle doors is not a useful life skill. Pain is not necessary to grow up.

I don't care what the excuse is. This was a terrible ending for both characters and no amount of "he's happy now!" coping from both the fans and the writers is going to get me to see this any other way. If you enjoy the episode, great! I'm happy for you, there's a lot to love in the music and voice acting and breathtaking animation. But none of that could save me from this abysmal attempt at a series finale. I was so viscerally disgusting by this as a finale that I spent a good two days completely nauseous thinking about it. What a disaster. The sad part is I like the story potential! Him reuniting with Adia is what I've wanted for him all season so he could get closure. Molly and Scratch having to say goodbye is heartbreaking but understandable, a lot of shows nowadays end that way and I half expected it. But him completely forgetting the girl he owes his new lease on life to? My gosh it's just a deal breaker. It is such a cruel end for these characters and I cannot wrap my head around why they thought it was a good idea outside of cheap angst.

I wanted to like this episode and I still do. But they just did so much wrong when one thing could change and it would have completely flipped my opinion on the episode and series in general. But what do I know, I'm just a negative nancy.

Anyway idk how to end this off, justice for Molly McGee, Scratch deserved to be called Scratch McGee, kill Todd Mortenson, peace out

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

the shroud parents

Okay, so I’ve been thinking about this for a while 🤔: “Why are the Shroud parents so warm and loving when the impression we had of them from Idia are so... negative?” And then I realized it’s very obviously because CHARACTERS CAN BE UNRELIABLE NARRATORS.

Like. That does NOT mean that what happened to the characters didn’t actually happen. The events very obviously DID happen as described (especially as it pertains to post-OB flashbacks), but it’s how the characters tell the information that paints the perception of events and how certain elements are presented or omitted entirely.

***Content warning: I briefly mention a few dark topics under the cut (including suicidal ideation and depression) and link to a related post on those topics!!***

As an example, let’s look at the Shroud parents. Idia previously described his grandma and dad as being very gloomy and negative people. He also says his parents as being the types to value results over their children’s feelings. We also notably do not see Mr. or Mrs. Shroud in Idia’s backstory flashback when he was going through a difficult patch of coping with Ortho’s death. This all led to us having an impression that the Shroud parents were cold, distant, calculating, and just overall not very good parents. Then we meet the parents in book 7 and Mrs. Shroud is SUPER bubbly, and both parents readily welcome Ortho as an official member of the family. It’s a huge juxtaposition which completely recontextualizes the information Idia previously gave us.

Idia is Mr. Doom and Gloom, a huge pessimist. It could be possible that he was greatly exaggerating elements of his parents’ personalities, usually when it pertains to them asking him to do something he doesn’t want to (ie pulling him out of school to research on his classmates). Alternatively, it’s implied that he barely left his room for two years following Ortho’s death. The lack of the Shroud parents in Idia’s flashback could indicate that as their own method of coping, they distanced themselves or they gave Idia space to heal on his own. Or maybe Idia was even the one who actively shut his parents out? It’s extremely possible, especially given that there are theories floating around that Idia’s memories and thoughts are greatly impacted by grief, depression, and/or suicidal ideation.

This makes me kind of want to go back and reevaluate all the other OB boys’ flashbacks and see just how much of the information could have been colored by the bias and the perspectives of the storytellers 🤔 POV actually adds a LOT to whatever is being told!! Like you can tell in Riddle’s flashback that even though he now knows his mom’s parenting has fucked him up, he doesn’t appear to hold any ill will toward her. He’s moreso confused and unsure how to proceed, feelings which are perfectly encapsulated by Riddle asking why his chest still hurts, even though he has followed every rule his mom has set for him. As a result, Riddle is shown to be a lot more hesitant and charitable to his mother compared to other people.

Interestingly, fans are quick to bypass Riddle’s own neutral telling of his story and demonize his mother (I think maybe because his circumstances are more relatable?), whereas with Idia he tells us the worst of his parents and it paints our ideas about the Shroud parents in accordance with Idia’s telling.

I also wonder if the fandom’s assumption that Leona’s whole country despises him or that Azul’s mom didn’t know about him being bullied is true at all??? Because if you think about it, Leona’s flashbacks only ever depicted palace servants talking badly about him, which are not representative of all of the Sunset Savanna. We don’t meet locals that speak badly of Leona in his hometown event either??? Then for Azul’s flashback, you can’t really take omission of information as confirmation of anything.

This line of thought also applies for the information the boys relay to us; how much of it is embellished or slightly altered in order to project a certain outward image to their peers? Especially considering how NRC is teeming with (mob) students ready to pounce on you if you seem weak??? It’s really interesting stuff to think about.

[elendsessor]

@paraseleneblur you have no idea how many goddamn thoughts i’m having about this because like. honestly made me appreciate the contrasting relationship more and the tragedy.

i’ve mentioned this a few times before but if there’s one thing base 5 did right was illustrating different kinds of relationships using the two halves of the same being/soulmate concept not necessarily always being romance. we get some of that, yet it’s not the same for every pairing.

most important to this is koshimizu and atsuta’s since they’re more of a boss and trusted employee/sort of a father-son dynamic, but it’s definitely based in the need to protect tokyo and not anything that much more.

despite the interpretive nature, aogami and vkun’s relationship is based in a need to protect and understand each other. they communicate a ton more than we see of any of the other nahobino pairs—aogami makes it all the more clear with the newly added bench. he fused with the protag to protect him, and considering how vkun “commands” aogami, it’s ultimately up to him to also keep him safe.

while we don’t get much characterization, v is seen to be a bit of an outcast, or at least struggling socially (same here sis). we don’t see him with any friends—atsuta considers him a friend at the beginning of the game but it’s implied they likely haven’t actually hung out or talked much. he seems distant in a couple of the school cutscenes, basically disassociating himself from the rest of the world (again, same here sis). aogami definitely changed him as a person, and he gets into the nahobino role easily because there’s that connection there. this was a meant to be pairing.

they’re both entirely different dynamics with differing viewpoints.

comparing canon of creation along with canon of vengeance really elevates and recontextualizes both narratives but especially how devastating losing a nahobino partner is for both parties involved.

brought it up before but to me, it seems that entire dynamic is a suicide pact. we don’t see any of the pairs die at separate times in canon of creation, and there’s oddly something more peaceful about it. kinda not in sahori’s case bc that was actually a genuinely sad moment in the og and she wasn’t exactly herself (i can’t decide if her being mercy killed in the middle of a half-hug surrounded by people who care about her is better or worse than her dying alongside tao in a pretty brutal way only to be mocked by/seen as fodder by lilith) but for the throne stuff, there’s at least some form of content.

vengeance doesn’t have that during the main conflict, but it’s heavily implied that it’s straight up soulmates in every universe due to the law route. if it weren’t for the fact that they were all drawn together due to the circumstances, vkun and the gang wouldn’t be shown hanging out in that ending. hiromine not wearing the jouin high uniform despite being in the school is proof that shit still happened, plus da’at forming is proven to be inevitable (at least if luci is to be believed). we can assume there’s some memory of vengeance’s events, and since the gods are heavily implied to still be around, yeah safe to say if nothing else, they’re aware of who their partners are. tne is the only ending where all the gods are wiped from that universe but with how megaten’s franchise-wide world building is, it’s heavily implied every ending is canon or at least ends up occurring in one version of that universe, so that meeting is a canon event.

that being said, it does make the deaths all the more tragic because if they are destined to be together no matter what, being destined to die at the same time isn’t entirely guaranteed. only in the vengeance canon do we see partners die separately. hell, dazai and abdiel never become a nahobino in that canon regardless of route despite sticking together. this could be due to mastema’s influence since the power of a fused nahobino could likely shut down his stupid brainwashing bullshit. they at least interact with one another upon death in creation but not in vengeance. abdiel still does technically die first. regardless, both end up dying. this goes for nuwa and yakumo, and the same for koshimizu and atsuta. their fates are intertwined.

both koshimizu and vkun lose their other halves right in front of them and knowing that soulmate stuff, there might be an even stronger connection present, which probably fucks them both up beyond repair. this also shows that just because they’re compatible for fusion doesn’t mean everything is hunky dory. in some ways, this defies the laws of the universe. if it weren’t for aogami’s status as a proto-fiend of a similar type to tsukuyomi, there would be no fusion. they would’ve lost.

god that’s what i genuinely love. we only saw aogami care for the protag in base 5 but the protag not only caring to such a degree that he can’t even act like himself anymore and how defeated he looks when he’s separated is depressing. and there’s some obvious separation anxiety in general. vkun is seen relying on aogami’s input in some situations, or at least consulting with him to see if it’s okay to do certain things. naamah killing a bunch of people at the subway with her fucked up dog freaked the shit out of vkun, but he only stands up and tries to show he’s willing to take her on because he feels aogami would be there. as funny as the arm wave is, it’s clear he’s a much different person when he’s with aogami. also he doesn’t seem nearly as nervous in cutscenes with aogami there than without.

this doesn’t apply to koshimizu.

it’s not just the change in color or the fact that koshimizu is less dominant (his nahobino form with atsuta barely had any atsuta in him). heck, you could also argue the fact that his mouth being covered as the tsukuyomi nahobino could be symbolic of their lack of communication. his moveset also got more brutal. some of the flashier divinity is gone from some of the tsukuyomi-coded ones, or at least are considerably moodier. not just the battle end animation but his idles are a lot less lively. the battle music, too, isn’t as upbeat or cheery. it’s gothic. it’s dreary. it paints a clear picture of how uncomfortable the situation is.

koshimizu at least cares about aogami to a degree. enough to both consider him his brother (mainly due to aogami being modeled off of him) and care for vkun, but the dynamic is different. again, koshimizu and atsuta were bonded in an obligatory way. while aogami was programmed for a similar purpose, due to being susano-o, he would inevitably develop individuality. it was his decision to sacrifice himself, he did ultimately care for vkun as a person, and they were comfortable with one another. at the end of the day, the decision for koshimizu to fuse was because he not only knew vkun needed a partner, not only would aogami want someone to keep him safe, but there was going to be nobody left to stop the qadistu. atsuta is gone, so he only has one option. both of them only have one option.

all their decisions onwards are definitely to avenge their partners, and how they speak to one another proves a lot of it. vkun doesn’t seem comfortable but forces himself, meanwhile the same could be said for koshimizu.

i think about this smile a lot too

he fucking knows there was only so much he could do with vkun, especially with aogami explaining tiamat can’t be killed unless it’s at the hands of a godly dragon slayer. nice touch with murakumo being what finishes her off since if i recall correctly that’s the name of the sword susano-o gets after slaying orochi.

but koshimizu seems at peace here. the one destined to protect vkun is there, and though he could’ve definitely further stuck around in case something went wrong, he still sacrifices himself to revive tao/hiromine. i think that’s not just because he’s no longer needed, but because he could finally die and be reunited with atsuta. he was never meant to continue living, after all. he was never meant to fuse with vkun. he still seems to be grieving over his own loss. regardless of the ending, he does get to finally rest.

it’s so bittersweet and i fucking love it. actual amazing writing.

[ariaste]

I just read your theory and I'm SO blown away by it! I was skeptical at first (I know how bad the theorizing for Supernatural and Sherlock got) but honestly your analysis is incredibly sound compared to those. You took all the things that rubbed me wrong about this season and recontextualized them so well!

Here are some things that I also noticed:

The depiction of Job's misery seems ... out of order. Jumbled, even. I re-read the entire Book of Job as preparation for s2 and he isn't stricken with boils/bad health until *after* he finds out about the destruction of his children and property. I figured that someone as well-versed in mythology as Neil (especially when it comes to Judaism/Old Testament stuff) wouldn't necessarily present it that way. It really took me out of the loop - and that might also be why Aziraphale looks pensive after revisiting the memory, and why he seemed to want to ask Crowley about it. So much is just slightly off-kilter there, like it's a botched rewrite or a conflicting memory.

And Dalrymple. We've heard of him before. He's the guy crazy enough to devise a thundergun that fires silver bullets, garlic, and bricks to hunt witches with. And THIS guy is suddenly a very sane, very grounded, "why the hell would I put myself in danger to go bodysnatching" surgeon type? Witchfinder Dalrymple and Surgeon Dalrymple may be two different people, but what's the point in that? Dalrymple is such a stupidly distinct name. It smacks of the Metatron taking a random person and repurposing them for the edited version of a story.

Then again, the historical minisodes weren't entirely written by Neil and so they're the most prone to genuine mistakes and inconsistencies. Idk how much Neil got to meddle with the details there but I choose to believe your theory anyway, it just fits too well :'D

"And Dalrymple. We've heard of him before. He's the guy crazy enough to devise a thundergun that fires silver bullets, garlic, and bricks to hunt witches with." OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH SHIT i forgot about that! FASCINATING! WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN. I will reverently add that pushpin to my murderboard and contemplate yarn choices, thank you for this

[afreakingdork]

Crush Too Much - Part 13

RotTMNT Donatello x GN!Reader

Warnings: Longing, Angst, Fluff, Embarrassment, Overbearing Siblings, Aged-up Turtles

Synopsis:  So you met a customer three times at work and that made a pretty big impression on you? That’s nothing to necessarily get worked up over, but when you’re all prepared to ask for his number the next time you see him and his brother gets involved instead, you might be in for something more than you bargained for.

FIRST 💜 PREVIOUS

Heartbreak.

It was strange how an ailment he’d been suffering from for well over a month felt so new with a proper diagnosis. Donatello had grown tired of the constant recontextualizing and recategorization of his memories he had been forced to do as of late. The past week had softened the initial blow and he was left with a single clear frame of reference: he was done with preconceived notions. He patted himself on the back for being having had the wherewithal to admit it. Fiasco after fiasco caused by his failure to make judgments on subjects that were far out of his depth had humbled him. That, though, didn’t mean there wasn’t time for research.

Heart·break

/ˈhärtˌbrāk/

variable noun

Heartbreak is very great sadness and emotional suffering, especially after the end of a love affair or close relationship.

Though there was no trace, Donatello had casually lamented the state of his browsing history. The tricky thing about these types of subjects is there is a true testable physiological response, but there is also a myriad of baseless think pieces. Sifting through them was arduous at best and comical at worst. Outside of the digital world, his brothers had retained some shreds of his dignity. He’d found that they’d placed no bets on his realization timeline and they were mostly just glad to have him present. He wasn’t sure if he would have suffered an indignity if they had tried teased him about his denseness. He felt no humiliation. He akined it to ridiculing a child for not knowing how to read if they had never been taught. He simply had nothing to compare it to. He did, however, feel immense guilt over acting out on half-baked assumptions. He prided himself on being a better scientist than that. In that regard, he’d let himself down.

Which was why, he decided, he was no longer going to make anymore guesses. Unfortunately, that ruling also meant he was stuck with different unsolved question: what was the source of his heartbreak? It was undeniably you, but in what way? The online consciences agreed that heartbreak was felt on a spectrum and he could subscribe to that logic. Where his feelings for you landed on that spectrum was a mystery. He’d warped them through a lens of dismissive science to such a degree, he wasn’t sure what was real anymore. It was yet another reason why he fatigued of pouring over the memories. He needed fresh, untainted data if he were to start the study anew. Though he’d come a long way in acknowledging his ignorance, he knew for a fact that reaching out first would be extremely stupid after everything he had done.

Frowning, Donatello stared down a long stretching rack of garments. Several rows over, he spied Mikey stretching out a blazer and squinting over it.

“Explain to me again what we’re looking for?”

There was a loud metallic clank as Mikey forcefully shoved a hanger back into its spot. “Aw, come on, Donnie! Haven’t I explained it a million times already?”

“Yes, it must be me who is failing to understand.” Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Donatello settled on drooping his lids.

Instead of going around, Mikey simply threaded himself through several racks of clothes until he reached his brother. “I need a fabric for the torso that screams ‘shaaazaa!’ Then maybe a thick retro material that kinda had a ‘ba-boo-roo’ thing going for it and, finally, I need something with that oomph factor!”

Each descriptor had been paired with a matching full body gesture. Mikey’s consistency had impressed Donatello, but that didn’t mean they made any more sense to him. “Riiiiight...”

“Glad we cleared that up.” Mikey punctuated the statement with a confirming wink before a pair of pants caught his eye.

“Does ‘ba-boo-roo’ have a English language color name?” Donatello scrunched his nose up from having to use the descriptor.

“It’s more of a pattern.” Mikey hummed, testing the elasticity of the stitching.

“Exasperated sigh.” Donatello mumbled to himself as he stared at the same rack he’d been standing at their entire duration in the store.

Mikey looked past the bottoms and to his brother. Lowering the garment, he made a move as if to grab something from in front of him, but shifted direction at the last moment to elbow Donnie's plastron instead. “Hey.”

“What?”

“You’re helping.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not, having you here helps.”

Donatello turned to give his younger brother the full extent of his doubtful gaze.

“You are!” Mikey threw his arms up, pants trailing the move. “You got up early to come shopping with me right when these stores open.” Looking around them, only a few older women of poor eye sight were milling around. “I probably should have showed you my sketches so you had more of an idea what we’re looking for, but regardless; it’s emotional support!”

“My strong suit.” He could no longer withhold the eye roll.

“Suit…” Mikey rubbed his chin with the fabric. “Great idea! See, you are helping!”

“Michael, we really need to work on your elaboration.” Donatello raised his hand with the point but Mikey hung to pants hanger on the appendage instead.

“You go find three pin-striped suit jackets or…” Mikey squinted and looked to the upper right. “Any pattern that isn’t just blah in preferably a sack silhouette.” Bringing his gaze back, his eyes shimmered with the idea. “Let’s put 15 minutes on the clock, what’dya say?”

“I’d say that’s probably the most in depth instruction you’ve given me all day.” Donatello responded dryly, hanging the pants back up on a rack.

“Great, then let’s go!” The younger brother then disappeared by diving headfirst into a clothing stand.

Shaking his head at the action, Donatello set a timer on his cuff. He then looked up at the large signs that marked each section. Following them with an upturned gaze, he located suits. To accommodate the various lengths and paired items, this section's racks were twice the height of their companions. Turning down the row, he was met with an ocean of blacks and navys. Sighing audibly at the lack of selection, Donatello headed down the line and let an outstretched finger follow along the garments.

As if sifting files, he came to a halt when his digit caught a subtle brocade that barely stood out due to its similarly dark threading. Pulling the item out and lifting it up to eye level, Donatello activated his goggles. A detailed manifest popped up with notes about the cut. With the piece held high in his right hand, he both brought up his left to compare acquisition to time and deactivated his goggles. One suit in under 5 minutes wasn’t a great start, but he could only work with what the store provided. Prepared to continue to search, he lowered the hanger and like a curtain dropping, you were revealed on the other side.

His heart stuttered in his chest.

He stared openly, wondering if he should run. He watched as you compared the sleeve lengths of two jackets, seemingly not noticing his presence. Torn between choices, Donatello felt stuck. He watched your lip purse, unsure, before finally something seemed to spark in your eyes. He leaned his head back incrementally as you turned to him in slow motion.

“Oh, sorry! Am I in your wa-?” Your words dropped off as you let go to the jackets you were examining. “Donnie.”

It felt like his brain was lagging with a spotty internet connection. The page finally began to load. As the information filed in, his first thought was another summation of the chances. Dismissing the possibility of having run into you randomly in New York City on three separate occasions, Donatello swiveled and stretched his neck out to see over the rack. If his younger brother was the mastermind, he wasn’t watching his scheme unfold which was unlike him. Blinking, he realized he’d ignored you in favor of an errant thought. Donatello turned back to find you still waiting, though no longer colored with surprise. “Y/N.”

“Looking for some new clothes?” You gestured to the jacket in hand.

He watched as each little sign of your discomforting body language seemed to note itself as if his goggles were still active. He couldn’t process the information as he was still stuck on the part about how you ended up running into each other. “Absolutely not, the thought of wearing something that someone else wore even if it’s washed?” His lip curled up with distaste. “I’ll stick to regular stores.”

You stifled a snorted chuckle. “You know people try those clothes on too?”

“Trying on is quite different than schlepping off some garms to a thrift store.” He folded his arms and the suit jacket swung with the motion.

“Hm, maybe.” There was an airy quality to your voice that sounded pleasant to his ears.

“Most second hand shops don’t even wash the clothes! I’m just hoping they were deloused.” Noting the fact caused him to scoot away from the rack.

The laughter couldn’t be held back any longer. As you giggled, Donatello could swear the sound resonated with some unknown harmony. “So what are you here for then?”

“Mikey enlisted me into some project.” Though he had moved his feet, he was painfully aware that he couldn’t seem to keep himself from facing you.

“Mikey did?” You turned your head to glance around. “Is he here?”

“It’s a long story. Presumably, he’s around.” Part of him wanted to accuse you of being in league with his younger brother, but a secondary thought reminded him that he wasn’t going to make those kinds of guesses anymore. Plus, since his gaze was trained on you, he had yet to notice a mimed action. “What about you?”

“Oh.” You seemed to remember something. “I’m, uh, ‘filling out my office wardrobe.’”

He watched as your face shifted from sheepish to quoting and then finally to a bright proud smile. Reaching up, Donatello tucked a hand underneath his hoodie to touch his goggles. They were still clicked into their stationary position on top of his head. If that was the case, why did everything around you look so colorful? “Your internship…?” He trailed off trying to recall the sparse notes he’d gotten before you both parted.

Your gaze dipped as you shimmied side to side. When you returned it, you had a sly smile. “’Full time job’ would be a better way to describe it.”

Donatello also wondered why your eyes seemed to be magnified. “They hired you on.” The information was still lagging. “Wait, they hired you on!?”

“Yep!” You chirped.

He finally pinged the harmony as being similar to a birdsong. “Congratulations are in order then!” He clapped around the hanger in his hands. “It is well deserved though I do hope that the employment comes with a moderately higher salary to afford you more than….” He looked around the store to emphasize his point. “This.”

“It does.” You turned away and ran a hand down one of the suit jackets you had been examining earlier. “Starting out is tough though and, unlike you, I think a nice hot wash will clean these up just fine.”

“Unless they are dry clean only.” Donatello tried to clear his throat stealthily in an attempt to stifle the small dip he felt in his stomach from your movement.

“Those are ‘suggestion’ labels, right?” There was a wry tone to your voice that Donatello pegged as goading.

���I see your comedy remains unchanged.” As soon as the sentence left his mouth, his eyes widened. Something about giving voice to the separation felt like an instant taboo. Looking back to you fearfully, he found your shoulders raised slightly in a move which he read as apprehension.

“Is… this really a coincidence?” Your eyes were cast down.

Though the question pricked like a nettle, it was absolutely valid. “Do you remember how suspicious I was when you found me at the food truck park?”

He watched your gaze raise with recognition. “’A little over 9 million?’”

“I swear to you that as far as I know, this is naturally the third time this has happened.”

“That can’t be…” You shook your head slightly in confusion.

“I agree, for locations that we rarely frequent, the probability of it happening is not incalculable, but the numbers are hard for even me to comprehend.” He nodded, his eyes shutting as his mind unconsciously started to do the math.

“I guess it’s not a coincidence then.” There was a tone to your voice that Donatello didn’t recognize so he brought his lids up to find you smiling to yourself. “It must be fate.”

It was only spoken softly to yourself, but something about the sentence seemed to ring loudly in his mind. “I don’t believe in that. I create my own destiny.”

You snickered. “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“And what does that mean?” He leaned forward suspiciously.

“Not a thing!” You clucked and used your other gathered garments to create a barrier between the two of you.

Donatello looked down at them, wondering why he hadn’t registered them earlier. Cataloging them in conjunction with the suit jacket you were browsing, he frowned. “You’re not getting that are you?”

“What?” You shifted, looking at your items.

“Give me a quick rundown of your position.” He nodded thoughtfully as you explained and then shook his head. “I’m sorry, but I can’t stand for this. The pieces you selected are both under and over dressed and it doesn’t seem like you’re even taking utility into account!”

“Now wai-”

He heard you begin, but the bandwidth was already being diverted elsewhere. Though Donatello himself hadn’t moved far from the original rack, he had been watching Mikey sift through pieces in rapid succession. From those earlier leavings, a few stood out. “Come with me!” He turned and started walking, trying to plot out the shortest course to said clothes without having to resort to Mikey-type short-cut method. “Here!” He grabbed a top and spun around, remembering something else. “And this.”

“Donnie, are you serious?” Your voice sounded a bit distant and when he looked up he found you a whole rack away.

“Yes, just look!” He held up the top he selected and he watched as your expression shifted from confounded to thinly veiled stubbornness with an undercurrent of intrigue. “Shall I continue?”

“Is that my size?” You looked close to stomping your foot.

Something about that made his chest feel tighter than it should in his hoodie.

“What do you take me for?” He threw his hands up, raising the other item he selected into view.

“Glossing over the fact that you know that, I want you to make a note that I’m not super ok with this!”

“I’m sensing a but…?” He drew out the word, just knowing that his prowess was about to be acknowledged.

“But…” You hesitated before slumping with defeat. “I do want to see what you pick.” The statement came out of the corner of your mouth.

Donnie would have jumped for joy had he not seen another piece out of the corner of his eye. “Allow me to curate the wardrobe of your dreams!” His feet began to move and his goggles dropped down to start a running tally. At one point his cuff had an alert, but from beneath the hangers that had moved onto his forearms for the extra real estate, it was silenced. Once he had grabbed what he deemed a suitable amount of clothing, he made one last glance over his shoulder to make sure you were still in tow. He wanted to verbally acknowledge how well you had kept up, but something held his tongue. Instead he steered both of you to the shoddily constructed changing rooms.

“Alright!” He waited until you got the message to take a readied position in front of him before rifling through the garments. “Here’s outfit one, but keep the pants on because they’re going to be a staple piece you can then pair with the next top.” He thrust the clothes into your unprepared arms and used the confusion to snatch away your previous selections.

You rolled your eyes and pulled back the curtain to the changing room. “Yes, sir, Mr. Fashionista!”

“We shall see how that tone fairs once you’ve seen my work!” He snapped back, preparing the next few choices.

After an appropriate amount of rustling, the curtain drew back and you stepped out. “How…?”

“Hm…” He leaned forward, his goggles noting information about cut and shape as you shifted side to side to get a look from all angles.

“Seriously, when did you take my measurements? These shouldn’t fit so well!” There were dueling notes of astonishment and annoyance in your voice.

“Details.” Donatello waved the question off. “There’s creasing along the back.” He watched as you tried to catch a glimpse and ended up spinning in a circle like a dog trying to catch its tail. He tried not to divide his attention from the task at hand, but a fond smile pulled at his lips.

“I don’t think it's a problem.” You stuck your hands out and waved them.

“How do you feel about getting the pieces tailored?”

“Maybe down the road, but not if I can help it right now.” You stopped shuffling around and came to a neutral stance.

“I see.” He added the entry to his data points and passed you the next items. “Swap the top, keep the bottoms.”

You gave him a mock salute with the clothes in hand, causing them to obscure your face as you headed back into the changing room. Donatello shook his head, the smile growing ever wider. It’s not that he hadn’t realized he’d missed the banter; he’d ruminated on it in slivers of time, but being faced with it actively enforced the point. As you emerged from the curtain again, the repartee resumed. It was as if you had never been apart. After passing off the next selection, the moments where you changed felt like a weight. It was within the fragments of silence that the existence of your separation made itself known. It held the enormity of all his failings and the apologies he wasn’t even sure he could truly recompense. In equal exchange, he watched as your apprehension melted away as his grew. After several more costume changes, he’d twisted inward and focused more on cycling through the digital closet inventory for maximum effectiveness.

“These fit right style wise…” Your voice drifted in, signaling you’d emerged once more. “…but the waist needs….” He looked past his display and watched your nose wrinkle with thought. “Like a belt?”

Lifting his goggles, he squinted as he returned to normal view. “It looks like there might have been a matching piece of fabric that should loop here.” He pointed to a small tailored slit in the side of slacks.   

“Someone probably lost it. I’m gonna go run and get a belt. Watch my stuff?” You tossed the question over your shoulder as you already started to walk away.

He nodded and returned to his catalog. He vaguely heard you return and disappear into the changing room as he put the final touches on his curation. Nodding to himself, he took a deep breath and shifted his goggles to rub his eyes. “With this you should be able to make 21 separate outfits! Did the belt work out?”

“Oh sure, but I think something else got lost in the shuffle?”

“Pardon?” He watched as you emerged from the curtain in full strut. His jaw laxed as he gazed upon the most garish combination he’d ever seen. You were donning a pair of what looked like shiny latex purple leggings that disappeared into slinky neon green leg warmers on one end and the hem of what could either be classified as a sequined mini dress or top depending on the height of the wearer on the other. On top of that, you’d slipped on an 80's blazer that had shoulder pads so high it was skimming the territory of your ears. He watched as you struck a vogue pose causing the oversized leopard print glasses that were taking up most of your face to jostle.

“I was also thinking hat, but I’m not sure if that would be too much?” From behind your back a large church crown appeared with several flowers and a fake bird sticking out of it. You brought it up over your head, but didn’t quite place it as you waited for his judgment.

Several seconds ticked by and your plastered on smile hadn’t faltered. Donatello bent forward slightly before a loud laugh tore from him. “When did you even-?” He wheezed.

“So, that’s a yes to the hat?” You put it on and made another pose eliciting more laughter from him.

Stumbling forward with amusement, he reached out for an anchor point. He found it in the pad on your shoulder and as soon as contact was made, it felt as if there was a sudden breach of contract. He didn’t feel you flinch underhand, but your gaze snapped to his with metered surprise. The sudden feedback painfully reminded him of the paradigm shift that had yet to be addressed in any way. Still high off the endorphins from the outburst, he retracted his hand carefully and brought it to his chest while clearing his throat.

“It’s…” You started, he popped one eye open from where they had closed to recompose himself. “…ok. I’m glad I was able to make you laugh. You were really getting lost in your head there for a moment.”

Giving you his full attention, he cursed himself for being so obvious. “I don’t know where we stand.”

“To be honest…” You hesitated, a vexed smile on your lips. You glanced up and removed the hat, lowering it in front if you. “I don’t either.” A small awkward laugh bubbled up in your throat. “But, what I do know is…” You trailed off again and looked straight into his eyes.

It was as if the fake flowers from the hat were sprouting all around you.

“I missed your snooty attitude.” Any contention on your lips switched to playful as you leaned forward and placed the hat on his head.

His lids dropped with feigned annoyance as you giggled at his appearance. It was a thinly held veneer because internally he was overjoyed that you had at least offered to crack the door to friendship back open. He reached up, feeling heat uncharacteristically pooling in his cheeks, and pulled the large brim down to mask whatever was passing over his face. “I missed you as well.”  

He didn’t have time to analyze the sound you made because another voice emerged.

“I finally found you!”

“Angelo.” Donatello murmured, the memory of his original mission rushing back to him.

“Hey, Mikey.” You shyly responded.

Donatello removed the hat to clear his view.

“Y-Y/N?” Mikey jolted with surprise before taking in your appearance. “Ok, whatever this is is wild, but I am here for it! Are you gonna get those glasses?”

Studying his brother closely, Donatello tried to pick up any traces of nefarious intent. He watched as you waved your hand turning down Mikey’s question before taking off the glasses to pass into his excited hands. If his younger sibling had set any of this up, he was operating on a level of lie that Donatello had never seen. Today really had been an absurd coincidence.

“For the record, your disappearance is forgiven and I’m all for trying new things, but that hat…” Mikey twirled his attention around, bringing a L-shaped hand of thought to his chin.

“Maybe if it were in black and we switched out the sparrow for a motherboard?” Donatello offered wryly as he placed the hat on his brother’s head.

“Crossing styles! Perfection!” Mikey clapped his hands jostling a handful of hangers he was toting.

“I did find one piece.” Donatello remembered the brocade jacket and removed it from the collection of your clothing.

“Woah, look at that design!” There were stars in Mikey’s eyes as he grabbed the piece.

You gave Donatello a small signaling wave and bobbed your head toward the dressing room. He nodded with understanding and you left to change. Gathering up the rest of your clothes, Donatello turned to find Mikey had thrown the suit jacket in with the rest of his picks. “It looks like you faired pretty well without me at least.”

“Can we hit one more store though? I’m looking for a showpiece kind of jacket.” Mikey's gaze was distant as he imagined the garment.

“Sure, but it’s going to start getting busier.”

“This time I know exactly what I’m looking for! Speaking of…” Mikey’s head lead the way as he curved his body closer to the dressing room curtain and raised his voice. “So the two of you are…?”

“Unlabeled.”

“Undiscussed.”

You threw back the curtain in your original clothes and split a smile of agreement with Donatello.

“I see…” Mikey trailed off, his voice thick with understanding.

This time you and Donatello shared a look of skepticism.  

“That means you can come to my fashion show!” Mikey bounced as Donatello handed off your clothing.

“Fashion show?” You wondered trying to heave the sudden load.

“I’ll take half.” Donatello corrected himself, separating the lot of hangers into equal parts before shooting a raised brow to his brother. “Practice elaboration, Mikey."

“Oh.” This time a real and more nervous look of comprehension passed over the younger sibling's face. “I was gonna tell the whole fam about it only after I was sure I was gonna get the pieces done in time…”

“Wait, you’re going to make your own clothes?” You lit up.

“Yeah! I’m usually not super into the concept because I’m more about letting your inner best shine, but I met this artist in my woodworking class that reframed the whole thing for me so I’m treating it like a canvas!”

“That sounds great! When is it?” You stepped forward and the group naturally begin to head towards checkout.

“Two weeks from now. Saturday night, I think…” Mikey tried to shift his clothes to one hand and fish out his phone with the other. One top started to fall from the hanger and he scrambled to fix it. “Actually, D will text you the details!”

Donatello lolled his head back before sweeping his gaze to you regretfully. “Is that alright? Don’t let him steamroll you.”

“It should be fine. I think it sounds fun.” You nodded, but he caught the slight note of reservation in your gaze.

“Now I’ll be forced to make the deadline!” Mikey spun around and in doing so took the first place in line at the cashier.

“You still weren’t sure?!” Donatello scolded.

Mikey stuck his tongue out in response and you giggled at the interaction with that same sweet melodic twitter.

NEXT

[ouppyjamie]

mentioned this in my royjamie fic but i love learning about the relationship between trauma and BDSM. first important to acknowledge that enjoyment of BDSM is not conditional on trauma and trauma does not cause an interest in BDSM but there has been research into how trauma relates to BDSM

this article in particular was really interesting in looking at how survivors of childhood trauma use BDSM to “heal from, cope with, and transform childhood abuse or adolescent maltreatment”

some of the themes they found were cultural context of healing (using bdsm and therapy to reframe kink and trauma), restructuring self-concept (self-image), liberation through relationship (learning to be valued by intimate others), reclaiming power (setting and maintaining boundaries), and redefining pain (transcending painful memories through masochism)

*this is getting long so jamie / royjamie interpretation under the break*

i think this is super fascinating when looking at jamie since he canonically was abused by his father and seems to engage in kink on-screen (puppy play with keeley, EVERYTHING he has going on with roy)

i know others have probably said this before but i think BDSM and kink would genuinely be very healing for jamie! like kink itself is not a substitute for therapy but it can be helpful in the aforementioned themes

just pulling some more stuff from the article, having safewords is a prime example of having control and it is such an important aspect of safe kink that when someone wants to stop, their wish will be honoured. and we can see with jamie how this is not something he gets with his dad (repeated “don’t speak to me like that” yet his dad doesn’t stop)

also looking at restructuring self-concept, we have jamie specifically acknowledge how much he hated his dad calling him soft and we see his dad calling him a bitch when he tries to set boundaries. i think if jamie were to engage in a BDSM relationship with roy, name calling and degradation would be something they would have to be very careful with but it could also help jamie change his perception of those words and thus himself (like ideal scenario for me is roy calling him soft but in a super fond voice or just praising him in general) i also think feminization would be fun for them and a nice way for jamie to reshape what it means to be soft or girly or “weak”

since BDSM requires a lot of trust, it can allow a person to let go if they feel safe in their partner’s hands. we see jamie really listen to roy when they start their personal training since he knows roy is doing what is best for him (besides almost getting his dick ripped off lol) so i think this would translate well into a kink relationship with jamie as the submissive partner since he trusts roy to take care of him

being able to set boundaries that are respected is also really important, something he doesn’t get from his dad (“i’d rather them not” repeated). being able to set limits that roy respects would let him reclaim a sense of power

repurposing behaviours i think would play into the physical abuse jamie experienced, so being able to “re-enact” that in a sense with someone he trusts could help recontextualize that, especially since these experiences are about centering pleasure which can actually help survivors “salvage their bodies” and view that as a vehicle for pleasure, thus redefining pain

plus, aftercare would definitely fulfill jamie’s desire to be taken care of and pampered

i think engaging in kink and bdsm (specifically masochism, praise, power exchange, bondage, puppy play, and more) with roy would be very therapeutic and also a lot of fun for both of them!!

[batbeato]

I accidentally sent the previous ask early, but just - Ikuko put Tohya in her car, and he had to have been covered in both blood and dirt, and all of that would have been on the inside of her car. She would have needed to have her car cleaned - and why not have her car cleaned and repaired at the same time? After all, she has to take care of Tohya, so she can't leave for some time. There's also the morbid fact that Tohya mentions he thinks he is 18, which means he's a minor, Ikuko is aware of this, and rather than bring him to a hospital as the doctor who examined him suggested - or contacting the police about an amnesiac minor, so they can go and find dental records that match his own - she. doesn't.

Though we get mentions of Tohya eventually going to a hospital, we don't know when he went (and moving around with a broken leg isn't exactly an easy feat), and I doubt it was in 1986 - Ikuko lives on an island near Rokkenjima, which is probably how Battler washed up and reached the road in the first place. Even before the message bottles made the incident renowned at least in occult circles, the island would have been airing news about the explosion - the sole survivor and victim would, at least for a week or two, be on the television, the newspaper, magazines. Hospitals would have recognized Tohya as Battler, just the same as it's extremely probably that Ikuko did.

Which is so...fucked up, because if Ikuko really did know who Tohya had been - it puts an entirely new spin on watching how hard he tried and wanted to remember who he was, before gradually letting the matter go due to his migraines (and then her unintentionally triggering his memories). If she had told Tohya, things could have been so different - especially with his struggles over denying and accepting Battler.

The amount of effort Ikuko put into everything (bribing the doctor, cleaning her car of blood/dirt, potentially repairing it to cover up a hit and kidnapping) is... kind of staggering and terrifying when you think about it.

18 is also so, so young. Not even at the age of 'adulthood', potentially still even in high school... A doctor told her to take him to the hospital to assess the damage to his brain and she covers it up and he's only taken later on. And, given the timing that you mention, it is... probably a well known possibility to her that he's related to the very very recent Rokkenjima Incident. Funny that when she's explaining it to him excitedly, she doesn't bring up that, around the same time as when it happened, she found him...

Another aspect of it is that, whether Ikuko did or did not have good intentions, it's still such a huge violation of someone's right to consent. There's no indication that Ikuko ever told him that she knew/suspected his identity, that it might be traumatic to remember, and then gave him the choice to learn about it: if she did know, it was kept from him entirely, and if she didn't, she still denied him - a completely amnesiac teenager, one that potentially had a loving family and/or friends who missed him dearly - the ability to learn about his past.

I think that a big part of Tohya's difficulty with accepting Battler is the time he lived solely as Tohya: not just that he's lived with this entirely different identity for so long, but also the guilt of having abandoned his family, the survivor's guilt of feeling responsible for their deaths, and also facing the fact that Ikuko's treatment of him was, in various ways, unacceptable. Because while Tohya has very little or no frame of reference for acceptable behavior, Battler does. Battler has had loving, caring guardians and understands that if someone is injured on the side of the road, a normal person would take them to the hospital. But Ikuko is the only person Tohya has been close with for years now; how difficult is it to recontextualize all of your relationship with someone and realize that they have wronged you, especially when it's someone you care so much about?

[goattypegirl]

Hokay so I have reached the final boss of the dlc, I think. I say reached because I have not yet beaten it; I got to phase 2 once. This is going to be a doozy I can already tell. Super spoilers below.

First, the fight technically. First phase is like a schmixed Radahn; muscle memory is kind of helping but it might be placebo. It's probably placebo. Phase 2 reminds me of the twin princes, I can't say more than that because I got got approximately 2.3 seconds into phase 2. I think some people are going to be mad about the twin princes similarities, but I like how Fromsoft tends to iterate on ideas from previous games. I don't mean like overt stuff like patches or the moonlight greatsword, but like the guardian ape and the bloodletting beast, the lamenter and pinwheel, or leda and crew and gideon. Assuming I get to phase two sometime this calendar year, it'll be cool to see how they've built on the twin princes concept.

Story and lore wise, like I said in my other post, I knew the dlc was going to fill gaps but boy howdy I was not expecting them to be filled this way. So grain of salt, I'm not actually done with the damn game yet. My initial reaction was confusion, and I'll need to sit on it more, but I like it.

From what Ive gathered, ascending to godhood apparently requires a consort, a Warrior to the Thinker, the Red King to the White Queen, and so Miquella did something to Mohg's body to make it a suitable vessel for Radhan. (Maybe it's cause I'm a freak but I think it would have been cool to see that process. Who knows, maybe there's a cutscene into phase 3 where the body deteriorates back into Mohg.) Radahn 2 has a move where he casts bloodflame, and you can see horns peaking out of his cuffs and boots. Actually, whenever I've died he's spun around to face away from the camera. I wonder if that's intentional? In universe it's Radhan hiding his face because he knows something's wrong, out of universe the devs wanted you to notice the horns.

I know people are wondering why it isn't Malenia or Godwyn, and I think I can come up with some in and out of universe reasons why.

For in universe reasons why Godwyn isn't the final boss, maybe the night of the black knives killed his soul so badly it was unable to be retrieved, or because his body couldn't be killed. Maybe that's what castle sol and the eclipse thing was for, if it worked and Godwyn died a true death, he could be used as Miquella's consort. Honestly I didn't expect the dlc to feature Godwyn at all, the whole 'oh the scadutree is being choked by deathblight' thing felt like a reach, but there's something going on with Godwyn here. Don't think I didn't notice the two death knight fights have the Stormveil face in the back of the arena, or that their weapons reference a "surrogate corpse."

Out of universe Godwyn, the only thing I can think of is that Godwyns simultaneously an obscure character but also relevant to two game-spanning, ending-determining questlines, fia's and ranni's. Radhan meanwhile is a shardbearer in an area right next to the starting area. If you asked the average player who didnt really talk to NPCs or read item descriptions, they'll probably recognize Radhan and not Godwyn.

For in universe reasons why Malenia wasn't the final boss, it depends on how you view Miquella's character, but I think it's because he knew making a consort would require killing his sister, and he didn't want to do that. That's just my hunch right now working on incomplete information, and you could probably come up with a lot more uncharitable reasons why he didn't pick Malenia. (Side note. If Radhan was chosen as his consort early on, and therefore needed to die, thats yet another potential reason why Malenia battled Radhan.)

Out of universe, the devs probably didn't want to lock the dlc behind the base game's super boss, and they were probably wary of making Miquella's consort his literal twin sister.

The dlc recontextualizes a lot of stuff especially about Miquella's character, and I'll need more time to think on it, but I think if Miquella could have ever been called a "good guy", it was long before the events of the story. He probably had good intentions going in, but the dlc as a whole is showing how power necessitates corruption and compromise. One literally cannot become a god until you discard more and more of yourself, your doubts, your fears, and your love. The Miquella at the end of the game wouldn't have had qualms over killing his sister.

Something worth examining is that Miquella's an Empyrean. We still don't really know what that means* besides that they're candidates chosen by the Greater Will to replace Marika. And like. Isn't that what Miquella is doing? Like was the transition from Marika to Miquella supposed to require such chaos and bloodshed? Is Miquella following along the Greater Will's plan? Mohg's body had to be modified into something unrecognizable in order to be a proper host, a proper puppet. Is Miquella doing the same? If so, what exactly makes him any different than Marika?

*the watchful spirit item description vexes me. I think about it every night. What the hell do you mean Empyrean grandam.

As a final, very petty note. The 'Miquella is pure evil, he's literally Griffith!' and heccin wholesome chungus gigachad Radhan bros are going to be fucking insufferable.

[awakenedsalamander]

I really need to go through all the Dark Eras supplements sometime, because I was reading the Sundered World again and damn, what a cool way of recontextualizing the setting.

I especially love the Awakening content, because of course I do— the notion that even Sleepers in the Neolithic Era have some vague, instinctive memory of the Time Before is fascinating— but I also find the Forsaken stuff quite cool.

To see the Uratha in their prime and see that they were kind of horrifying at the time, and also potentially play out how the patricide of Father Wolf created the Forsaken as we know them, even through tragedy…

Man, it’s good stuff for a nerd like me.

[entryn17]

heyy can I know your thoughts on in stars and time? I like your thoughts on things

ahh, yes, of course!!! spoilers ahead for anyone else that might be reading :3

genuinely saying this - i think it's one of the best games i've had the pleasure of playing recently! it really does the idea of "character stuck in a time loop" justice. one of the things i'm particularly glad about is the pacing especially considering this all technically takes place in like, two locations for (technically) two days for the entire 20-30h of playtime. the dev did phenomenal writing it! the characters are all solid, the worldbuilding is good, the red herrings it pulls also, with the wish/time craft thing. i'm also really, REALLY glad it left some things unanswered at the end.

to elaborate on the pacing, it DOES feel like siffrin is slowly, surely losing their mind throughout all this. i don't think it happens neither too quick nor too slowly and i was immersed throughout! i like how different items have different dialogue and usage depending on when you interact with them at certain points throughout the story, and i thought all of the horror segments were truly unsettling!!

siffrin was a really compelling character and both them and odile really spoke to me because of the way the dev handled their relationships with their respective heritage. i burst into tears when i was playing odile's friendship quest; i hadn't really seen all of those particular thoughts and fears expressed for a while before playing ISAT, and so seeing them written out like this just felt like.. reopening a wound you thought had healed but was actually still pretty raw? and siffrin's desperation to connect, to learn more about where they came from, the hurt that is left unaddressed for so long that it blooms into resentment was just so poignant. odile and siffrin are really, really important to me because of this.

i really love the different small things that get recontextualized when you learn more. like the king asking if siffrin remembers, which i had assumed was about the loops in the beginning! and loop's "you may refer to us with the royal We" and such!! and the missing island too! reached the part where it had been mentioned for the first time in the library and then the game went on for a while to the point i was starting to think "isn't anyone gonna bring up the island that got erased from everyone's memories" and then THEY BROUGHT IT UP. AND IT WAS SO PAINFUL!!! the segment where siffrin tries to say the name got to me so bad!!!

also the little details i'll always die for the little details. the changes in flavor text, menu portraits, inner monologue. it's tiny thing after tiny thing until you pause, look back and realize that you don't even recognize siffrin anymore! like god!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm genuinely really curious how the dev managed to keep track of everything! how many switches and variables they must've used, how many event pages there are, etc.

ANOTHER THING. i think it's so fun how it does a subversion on RPGs as a whole. it's still that at it's core, of course! i'll always enjoy turn-based combat and it freshens it up with the rock/paper/scissors crafts system, and it's incredibly story rich and character driven but it's like.. i guess the RPG conventions that it plays with that i really, really enjoyed. like the whole "mysterious protagonist gathers a party and then goes on a journey to fight the big bad boss" (the big bad is even called The King!!!) except the majority of the journey leading up to that boss already IS over when we start, characters are leveled up and have gathered plenty of usable skills, and they've already have formed dynamics between each other! but we get to learn more about them through the loops! and at some point the king isn't even a threat anymore!!! i REALLY loved that when i realized how unimportant he'd become in the grand scheme of things!!! it was so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but yeah in conclusion i feel only moderately strongly about this game. LOL

[purplerakath]

What I expect, and don't, from a Scott Pilgrim Season 2

Spoilers for all of the Scott Pilgrim works as I go through various plot points in the comics, and the ending of the first season, into hypothetical expectations if Bryan and BenDavid decide to do another.

What NOT to expect:

Memory Holes

Scott's gaps in memory are a good rug pull to the narration, it allows things we've previously seen to be recontextualized as Scott becomes aware he's not actually the hero. Thing is, Scott already knows this possibility from the end of Season 1 so we don't need it. This isn't a statement of 'no Nega-Scott' but we'll come back to that later.

Kim/Knives

Kim and Knives making out was a tool to set-up a Book 5 plot detail about Kim's relationship with Scott and Ramona. The part of that matters is we need to see Kim isn't straight, and there weren't a ton of female characters who would realistically make out with Kim and weren't busy in another plot. We've done this by having Kim try it out with Roxie, so Kim being bi is established already if they want to do the complicated 'I think I'm in love with either my best friend/ex or his current girlfriend' thing that was a bit of Kim's character. We also don't need to fish for 'reasons Knives is still around' she's in the band now, she's good.

The Glow

This is more of a 'that needed foreshadowing that isn't there' thing and we didn't foreshadow it so it probably isn't there. Ramona got her plot forward and her baggage detonation so it's not super useful anymore.

The Powers of Love, Self-Respect, and/or Understanding

So they could do these plot beats, but I don't think the swords work here. See, the swords work as a perfectly solid 'Scott leveled up' visual by making him cooler. And it plays even better in the movie because of how sword fights film vs. fistfights. Thing is, it's still saying that all 'understanding who you are' or 'respecting yourself and your needs' or 'being in love' is good for is stabbing people? It really feels hollow. Especially compared to Ramona's self-acceptance being 'turn into a God temporarily.' So if Scott gains any of those titles, it won't just be a sword.

Okay now that I've gone through a bunch of stuff I don't see coming up. I'm listing them as 'options' less because any two are mutually exclusive but all four cannot be done together.

Option One: Scott Gets a Life

So Scott didn't get to do most of his character growy things on account of him being dead for Tax Purposes. So he's still a useless mooch without a job, or anything to do other than play music. This isn't necessarily bad, but it is something they have to do something with. First is to do battle of the bands, lean all in on Sex Bob-Omb and the music going forward as the endgame to solve that Kim is also jobless. It isn't terribly grounded (but it could be very pretty visually), so I'm not super sold on it but it isn't off the table. They can also lean into 'Scott can cook' and do his cooking chef route from the books. This is more grounded and also can be visually pretty if done right. They can also do all manner of other job routes for Scott especially if the joke about job class systems because video games!

Option Two: Gideon is Still Evil™

So when Matthew was running from Gideon in G-Man Media's Headquarters he ran into a vault he couldn't blast through. That probably has even cryopods with six occupants. Because Gideon is still the worst. And 'but he's Gordon now' or 'but he has Julie now' are both not answers to the fact that Gideon is meant to be an incarnation of everything Scott could become. Notably Gideon didn't do any of his cool things™ from either book or movie in Season 1. Gideon still punishes women who betray him and Julie hates Scott. Gideon frames his revenge as making Scott suffer it is the perfect in-road to go after Ramona. Putting Julie in the Envy spot from Book 6. Which is even better because the betrayal will feel stronger since Gideon seems to like Julie sincerely.

Option Three: Scott's Ex Quest

So Scott has three significant ex girlfriends to dive in on. (I'm not counting Knives as- well, S1 actually resolved Knives pretty well?) And working through how Scott hurt them, and how they hurt him, and how it changed him would be a good avenue to do his character growth. It's honestly some of the stronger elements of the book looking right at Scott's past sincerely. This is the closest we get to retelling the books, but the twist is probably in execution, or in who else is involved. As all of Ramona's Exes being around and not-evil means we have new in-roads to character development.

Option Four: Nega-Scott/Future Scott

Scott is aware that he could be the problem, that awareness and vigilance makes the book version of Nega-Scott hard to work. The Shadow-Link attacking from nowhere just won't cut it. But we can do a similar thing with his awareness of the potential, a manifestation of his fears. Because this is a Rule of Cool series Scott's Fears becoming a monster makes as much sense as anything. So Scott just occasionally seeing/fighting an EvilRyu!Scott who shows up whenever Scott is especially anxious is entirely acceptable. This especially works if the central theme of the series is Scott trying to become more mature and responsible, having this evil manbaby hunting him represents that nicely.

[hanszoe]

I don’t know if you have or not, but can you describe Hans’ physical appearance and personality? Or like how they seemed to be more disinterested in their passions throughout the show? I hope that makes sense.

hello, thank you for the ask!

i have some links in my pinned post talking about things such as their muscle composition and eye injury.

as far as their physical appearance goes, it seems like there are actually multiple official appearances for them, the one isayama illustrated and their anime appearance. isayama seems to make a clear distinction between the two based on this interview (cw transmisogyny). that translation translates 性別 as "gender" but it should be "sex", and i believe isayama actually wanted an androgynous appearance for them. most fans seem to draw them how they're depicted in the anime, and i don't mind either, but i will base my own work off of their manga depiction.

the manga style isn't detailed enough for us to know about most features of their body, so there's a lot of room for fan interpretation. things such as skin tone, blemish patterns, wrinkles, muscle tone, etc. are all mostly up to interpretation. i'll have to make decisions like this for how i want to depict them in detail at some point, i'll probably look for some athletes with similar builds to them. i've also thought some recently about their exact eye color and think i'm going to go with a dull light brown color like this one.

as for their changing in personality, i'm not confident enough to state definitively since i haven't taken exhaustive notes on the manga, but i think that hansi was actually depicted quite consistently in this way. there are very early pulls for hansi not wanting to be forced into a role and it's the core of their narrative arc, becoming unable to see beyond what sannes said to them in the cell. i've seen some complaints about their death scene and do believe it was an insert myself, but in my opinion it at least does a good job of concluding this theme, as erwin's dialogue finally relieves them of their role, one which they had to give their life to be free from. i don't believe that hansi was exactly right in being unable to see a life for them outside of it, but any attempts they made to connect with people in a way that might help them resolve it we see all shot down. ultimately they became a victim of the narrative's same persistent commitment to helplessness.

i also read a theory from tsuki no ura about eren potentially erasing something from their memory. i have yet to take detailed notes on the manga so i'm not sure what he would have erased or why, but this could be another explanation for their total lack of hope and losing interest in titan science, which suspiciously some mentions of marley's titan research association also seem to go nowhere, especially considering pieck's comment "you seem to know even more about titans than marley" to hansi. i have some theories on this, but nothing definitive yet.

even if that's not the case, i think there is sufficient textual explanation for hansi losing their passion for titans either way, as after finding out the walls are made of them they confess to moblit that it was terrifying, the same way the first time they left the walls on an expedition felt. being confronted with another huge unknown truth of the world was similar, and i believe by the time they're called to paths hansi just has nothing but terror left. there are only so many totally unforeseen recontextualizations of ones' understanding of reality that one can take before everything starts to seem meaningless.

[trevanent]

I think one thing I will say about the finale was that the most problematic aspect of the concept of the show was how it feels like they had to use the Fionna and Cake plot to Trojan horse a resolution to a swathe of loose ends Simon and Betty's arcs had. They pulled it off even better than I ever wanted to let myself hope for for the most part but I would say my main issue if anything was how cramped the finale felt when I think they could have left a lot more up to season 2 speculations (especially with the resolutions for the alt universes, they didn't really feel necessary when they basically just had to egg Scarab).

I feel I liked the understated melancholies of seeing Simon recontextualized and kinda infantilized in that temporary form hosting his mind, and some people have said the Casper and Nova thing felt hamfisted but I thought the vibes were too cute to care that it wasn't particularly "efficient" as far as metaphors go, but that does slow down the pace which probably crunched the ending a little harder :'). But it also worked in further showing the sad side-effect of the crown on Simon's relationships, including that of stunting his ability to have ever matured in his understandings of love and his relationship with Betty. I also think their last scene in the memory worked because it was Simon reconsidering how he viewed their relationship for the first time, even if his attempt to do for Betty what she did for him would have just been an inversion of their original flaw, the scene rests on them understanding it's unchangeable anyway, so that decision doesn't matter so much and it's not something for Simon to dwell on.

I also feel I liked the scene a lot in spite of how scarce it felt in the finale was because of what was most conspicuously unaddressed, which was just the sheer logistical impossibility of any different choices they made having possibly been any "better." It sticks out because Betty says they could have made better choices, which kinda seems to situate their relationship in a vacuum as if there wasn't a very high likelihood had they done anything different at that crossroads, they would have just been literally nuked into orbit regardless. Sure, it seems like enough time had passed for them to have worked out their relationship better at least and then died, but that kinda seems better by an arbitrarily less tragic amount, and really it seems the least tragic possibilities ever were either that they conceive their relationship more healthily, Simon finds the crown and protects Betty from exploding somehow and also doesn't warp her to the future, and they live some terrible survival life but at least they get a chance to live something kinda fulfilling and Betty probably would have taken care of Ice King decently for the remainder of her life once Simon was gone while also having a better understanding of what had happened to him. The only other hand would be that she also was still warped to the future he finds the crown but Simon had not enabled her self-sacrificial tendencies and so she becomes less undividedly obsessed with saving him and instead integrates into Ooo more properly and also accepts what had become of him (I find it hard to think she would have just let him die either way though lmao).

That all said, they had been around a long time to have reflected over everything. I think it is a bit of an issue that they don't really allude to that, but I find it easy to believe that they did recognize how thwarted a happy ending would ever be for them by all angles of their reality, yet they still had that tender ache of that simple and small tragedy just between them two that still exists within the torrent of catastrophe that engulfed them and the breadth of their fate. So much horror in their lives but they reconnect and find themselves primarily concerned with that last regret of not having been able to make the ideal relationship they quite thought they had.